darkraiiiiii

Chivalry Fell On Its Sword (9/23)

Summary: All Arya wanted so to feel normal and go outside of the damn castle. Now, through a series of unfortunate, she’s stuck with a bodyguard that she accidentally flirted with: Gendry Waters.

AO3

A/N: what? two chapters in one week! well one is a joke chapter, we get productive. i'm only here for the laughs. xx and i did promise slam poetry so,.......

10:31pm - Arya: So, what youre saying is that you were awkward cause you could see through my blanket? 

10:32pm - Gendry: dude, your nipples were showing through it, it was a turn on and then because incredibly awkward when your fucking mum walked in.

10:32pm - Arya: and everything else?

10:32pm - Gendry: fucked up universe keeping us apart, sorry

10:33pm - Arya: awwww you’re so cute when you’re desperate 

10:33pm - Gendry: i don’t think you’re allowed to complain when you fucking yell at me in a hallway begging me for an answer for something i wasn’t intentionally doing 

10:33pm - Arya: i stand by my reaction 

10:33pm - Gendry: ok then 

10:33pm - Arya: alright 

10:35pm - Arya: soooooooooooooo

10:35pm - Arya: you still in the palace? 

10:37pm - Gendry: You’re seriously horny right now? 

10:37pm - Arya: aren’t you 

10:38pm - Gendry: literally always, but i’m still in my meeting 

10:38pm - Arya: i’ll send you nudes to keep your spirits up 

10:42pm - Gendry: pls for the love of the gods, don’t, cause my spirits won’t be the only thing that’s up 

Arya chew on her lip as she read over his name. His apology. His casual confession of love. And she beamed. 

10:43pm - Gendry: can i see you later? 

10:43pm - Arya: yes

~~~~

Bran wheeled up to the stage, a few stares and whispers as one of the wheels caught on the last step. In the end, the manager of the club and a few bystanders had to help him. It wasn’t embarrassing, just a little awkward to have three grown men fondling his chair and not him. 

He had invited Arya, who happened to bring along Gendry - funny how her security followed her absolutely everywhere, but Bran wasn’t. He thought it may have been some ableist crap, but when he saw Arya’s hand on his wrist as Bran edged towards the mic it was clear what the real reason was. Also the hickey on his neck was a dead give away. 

Bran cleared his throat and Arya and Gendry stopped speaking. The open mic night was his idea. Bran had worked up this plan for a while, knowing full well he could get away with it - but now he was here, and only confidence and determination ran through him. Chaos wheeling - if you will. He took a breath, then spoke into the mic. 

“I’m a theology major, I can take confession, even with this wheelchair condition. My legs stopped working when the car flipped, now it seems like I’m the one that’s dicked. I make light of the frame that holds me, even when it’s the thing that has made me lonely. I smile and wave, even when no one thinks I’m gay. The wheels tend to avert the eyes, even when I wanna talk to guys. I hear sympathy from women across the world, but I can still make your world whirl. I don’t wanna talk about how the chair feels or what kind of drink I want with my meal - I’m a grown ass man, a man that just can’t stand. I’m filled with love and wanting, and I’m a fun guy that deserves some flaunting. I’m a theology major, I can take confession. And yes, to answer your question, my dick does work, and I have a suggestion. Either mind your business, apologise for the transgression. Or date me, I can still fuck, no repression, in succession, with or without discretion.”

When everyone was roaring with laughter, and Bran was helped from the stage, he wheeled over to Arya and Gendry’s table. They were trying hard to catch their breaths, hands on the ribs as they tried to form sentences. 

“Your highness,” Gendry started before promptly bursting into laughter, patting Bran on the shoulder as he wheezed out another laugh.

“What the fuck was that?” 

“I wanted everyone to know that I still fuck.” 

The pair looked at each other before banging their hands on the table, the entire venue a stream of laughter. It made Bran happy. 

The next day, Robb texted the group an article. 

TO GROUP ‘The Ghost Fan Club (Jon fuck off)’ 

9:40am - Robb: “Prince Bran does the worst, most inappropriate poem at an open mic night”

9:40am - Robb: What the fuck did you do?

9:41am - Arya: 

9:41am - Rickon: YOU FUCKING DIDN’T!!!!

9:41am - Sansa: i thought you were joking! 

9:42am - Bran: I’m single, and the people deserve to know that my dick still works 

9:42am - Jon: He’s right

9:43am - Davos: PRINCE BRAN - YOU DID NOT SAY THIS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE 

9:43am - Arya: he said, and a quote ‘to answer your question, my dick does work’

9:44am - Davos: I might actually have a heart attack 

9:44am - Rickon: HE NEEDS SOME MILK

9:45am - Davos: i think this is it for today. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed. 

9:46am - Rickon: press f in the chat for a fallen brother 

9:46am - Robb: oh...that’s cold davos 

9:47am - Sansa: this year we lost our dear brother bran

9:47am - Bran: quit telling everyone i’m dead 

9:48am - Sansa: sometimes i can still hear his voice 

*

The Memes of the Royalest Kind @TheRoyalMemeFamily: The family portrait for the Stark siblings is FINALLY out!

@TheRoyalMemeFamily: they are dressed in traditional Winterfell garments - only the royals now wear them. And they stink. 

RobbWinterfell: @TheRoyalMemeFamily how can this be a family portrait if i’m not there 

TheRoyalMemeFamily: @RobbWinterfell ohhhhh…..you must be that imposter king. We know you’re related to the actor Richard Madden

Sansa Stark of Winterfell @PrincessSansa: also, the only reason Arya likes wearing this outfit is cause hers comes with a sword

@TheRoyalMemeFamily: @PrincessSansa can confirm this outfit was made for a child

@AryaStark: @TheRoyalMemeFamily @PrincessSansa still as sharp as a real sword 

*

@wetbreadvevo: so...the fucking starks have been posting pics from their family photoshoot this entire time and no one has questioned it? What the fuck 

*

3:14pm - Jon: hey, mate, you know Richard Madden in gonna be at this event night, right 

3:15pm - Robb: fuck….are you serious? 

3:16pm - Jon: yep, saw the guest list last night 

3:17pm - Robb: *typing*

3:17pm - Jon: yes it’s too late to cancel 

3:17pm - Robb: fuck 

3:18pm - Robb: can we just avoid him the entire night? 

3:18pm - Jon: I mean sure but it’ll be a bit rude 

3:19pm - Robb: okay new plan, I’ll greet him at the event, but if you see anyone taking pictures, tackle them to the ground 

3:19pm - Robb: I don’t need the girls finding photographic evidence that I’ve met him

3:20pm - Jon: you know that I know you’ve met him before right 

3:20pm - Robb: yes...but the girls are gonna give me so much shit, especially if we look buddy-buddy in the photos

*

TO GROUP ‘The Ghost Fan Club (Jon fuck off)’ 

8:20am - Sansa: so

8:20am - Sansa: richard madden was at that even last night huh? 

8:20am - Sansa: the fuck robb 

8:21am - Robb: i’m very proud of my ability to ignore the man all evening 

8:22am - Jon: he hid behind a plant at one stage 

8:22am - Jon: yes, everyone noticed 

8:23am - Bran: who’s the idiot now

8:24am - Arya: still you 

8:25am - Bran:

*

The Memes of the Royalest Kind @TheRoyalMemeFamily: rare photo of Arya Stark growing up

*

TO GROUP ‘The Ghost Fan Club (Jon fuck off)’ 

2:11am - Bran: you guys 

2:11am - Bran: anyone awake 

2:12am - Arya: yes but i’m trying to sleep 

2:13am - Bran: too late now fucknuts

2:14am - Bran: you ever think about davos hears the message alerts for this chat and just kinda….dies inside? 

2:15am - Sansa: oh for sure 

2:16am - Jon: I’ve seen his eyes close and pray for it 

2:18am - Robb: once in a meeting, i swear i saw him almost throw his phone across the room cause you guys wouldn’t shut up and he doesn’t know how to mute his phone 

2:20am - Rickon:

2:25am - Davos: i think this is how you kids say it 

2:25am - Davos: mood

2:25am - Bran: DBIGIWEBGOUWR

2:25am - Arya: IUQWBIUBUIBUIBIUNOI

2:25am - Sansa: WTFFFFFFFFFFFF

2:25am - Jon: i’m fucking dreaming 

2:25am - Rickon: I CAN’T BREATHE 

2:25am - Robb: im

2:26am - Arya: WHAT IN THE WORLD IM LIVING 

2:26am - Davos: go to bed

*

The Memes of the Royalest Kind @TheRoyalMemeFamily: a queen can party 

@PrincessSansa: @TheRoyalMemeFamily we stan a legend

Mother of Dragons @QueenDany: @TheRoyalMemeFamily @PrincessSansa i seem to remember this was at least two bottles of wine in for you 

@PrincessSansa: @QueenDany @TheRoyalMemeFamily pretty sure you were 4, but who was counting 

*

@DailyMail: it’s highly inappropriate for a sitting monarch and other royal members to be out drinking and showcasing that online - read the article here 

@QueenDany: @DailyMail 

@PrincessSansa: @QueenDany @DailyMail 

*

The Memes of the Royalest Kind@TheRoyalMemeFamily:Royal bodyguard spotted yet AGAIN with a different model

@TheRoyalMemeFamily: who is he 

@PodrickPayne: @TheRoyalMemeFamily 

*

Arya ‘Not Today’ Stark @AryaStark:

@JonSnow: @AryaStark 👀

@PrincessSansa: @AryaStark 👀

@RealBranStark: @AryaStark 👀

@RickonStark: @AryaStark 👀

@RobbWinterfell: @AryaStark 👀

*

@RickonStark: 

@RickonStark: That’s it. That’s the tweet

*

8:29pm - Pod: so what youre saying is that i’m a chad? 

8:29pm - Sansa: no a himbo is necessarily a chad 

8:30pm - Pod: im more himbo than chad 

8:31pm - Sansa: you can be a chad if you’re not a himbo but you can’t be a himbo if you’re not a chad 

8:32pm - Gendry: you guys know this is the group chat right? 

8:33pm - Sansa: now gendry is a chad 

8:35pm - Gendry: low blow sansa

Eternal Purgatory: Chp 4 Seeing is Believing

Eternal Purgatory Chp 4: Seeing is Believing

 Robby bursts into chris’s room asking where his Naruto headband is lying about. Chris groggy in his sleep, looks robby in the eye and tell him to get the fuck off his bed before he busts his nut sack and throws him out a window. Robby looks around chris’s bedroom and throws his stuff around, only for chris to grab him by the collar and drag him out of the room knocking on pauls door. Standing naked in the doorway he smirks and asks if chris and robby have something important to say as a girl wraps her arms around him. Chris reiterates that the weaboo needs help finding his lost costume piece.

“yeah, the shonen reject lost his headband, your omnipotent and im tired as fuck.” Paul looks at chris like he should care and flicks him on the head

“there now your awake, so you deal with it, I got no class so im chilling with sarah.” Chris feels his head throb as Robby incessantly continues to bitch about his headband. Chris in his rage, throws a 50 at him and tells him to buy a new one so Chris can get some sleep. Robby gives him back the money and says that its one of a kind and cant be replaced. As chris looks around he starts contemplating why hes doing this.

“an all knowing ghost who can find anyone and anything, cant help for five minutes and decides to plow some chick before helping his friend, oh who am I kidding, I’d do the same thing.” Paul comes out from the tv and stares chris dead in the eye

“of course, now did you find the headband?” Chris looks at him with a looks of utter disgust

“yes I found it no matter how much shit you say its found and that’s why im flipping the courch over, btw found that missing dime bag of reefers.” Paul snatches the bag and smiles

“ill be sure to hand it back to him.” chris just darts a look at paul and raises his eyebrow knowing full well whats going on.

“you’re going to smoke that aren’t you?”

Paul rustles Chris’s hair and goes back into the tv with the weed. Chris cleans up the stuff he turned over to look for the headband to no avail, only to see robby wrapping it around his forehead. Twitching his eye, he goes to robby and asks him where he found it. Robby looks at him happy as can be.

“funny thing I left it in the game room, must of came off as I fought helen in mortal kombat, damn shes good as sonya blade.” Chris gets a little furious clenching his fists and taking a deep breath.

“good for you, now im going to get dressed, I have to meet with Brendan for tutoring at 11.” Robby looks at the clock noticing its 11:30 and points to it, with chris looksing and rushing out the door to the library.

“FUCK FUCK FUCK, why do I need to be late?”

Brendan looks at his watch while drinking his Starbucks and wonders where Chris is. The only thing he was told was Friday 11am at the library, but being late really screws him over. Chris arrives completely drenched in sweat and looks at Brendan.

“Ready to get the books cracked open.” Brendan looks at him as if hes completely worn out

“you look like you ran a marathon, your still in your pjs and you barely look awake.” Chris explains that Robby and Paul were not much help and that he had to find the weaboos missing headband or else he’d throw a cry fest. As the two go inside, Brendan goes to the small café inside and buys chris a coffee. Chris rolls his eyes and thinks that he would get it wrong, considering he has specific taste. After taking a sip, his eyes widen and looks at Brendan.

“this is exactly how I love my coffee, hazelnut cream and warm not hot, no one ever gets it right.” Brendan looks at chris and just says he noticed him having the same coffee for months in class and got a hint. Chris while looking nervous over a weird piece of information like that cracks the books open and helps with notetaking.

In the meantime, Helen wakes up at 12pm and asks robby where chris is. Robby getting food from the fridge drops his cookies and stares at helen. Helen puts her hands on her hips and asks if she knows what shes wearing.

“right a bra and panties, cause I need to cover up cause boys may see me, don’t be so pure, your in college you’re going to see a lot more in your life.” She picks up the cookies and takes them to her room turning on the tv blasting the volume as paul snores from his love fest. She knocks on the wall telling the panda to shut up and let her watch tv, only to hear a fuck you coming from the hall. Robby is screaming at his laptop freezing during an episode of one piece. She calls up her friend asking if anything is going on. Helens friend says there’s a concert that night and she had two extra tickets if she wanted to take someone. Looking at a pic of her and Chris flipping off reefer the first day at the house, she says she knows just the guy to take.

Chris looks at his phone seeing its 3pm he and Brendan call it a day and starts walking home, getting a text from helen that their going to a concert only to be stopped by Brendan who thaks him for the fleece the other day and that it’s a very warm one for autumn. Chris tells him hes welcome and starts turning back to walk home only to be stopped again.

“hey, so im throwing a party tonight, if you wanna come by, booze weed the works, if you wanna hang out and stuff.”

Chris looks at his phone.

“ill see what happens, the sis wants to do something but that would be fun.” Chris runs back home as Brendan goes back to his house seeing his roomamtes frolicking about chugging booze and welcoming him back. One of them makes a remark towards him insulting his weight while the others try to crack puns on his fashion.

“hey pudgy, black wont make you slimmer, why not try working out sometime.” He goes to his room and puts out a notification on the school blog a party going on at his place, crossing his fingers hoping everything works out

While helen and chris prepare to go to the show, robby wants to tag along but helen insists theres only two tickets and its reserved for her and chris.

“oh come on guys I can sneak in and be very stealthy.” Chris chuckles and tells robby how stealthy he is.

“dude, your about as stealthy as a arsonist setting fire to a napalm factory.” Helen tells robby everything will be okay and he can have fun with paul, as he passes by telling them that isn’t happening.

”party off campus going there, don’t like the people but free booze and weed, so accepting the invite, have fun at the show.” Helen and chris look at one another and head out as paul goes the opposite direction, calling out to robby.

“open invite narutard, you coming or what, leave the cloak.” Robby jumps over the railing to the porch and runs to paul while chris and helen wave them off. Chris looks at helen with a smile on his face.

“either paul sets the house on fire, or robby insults someone so bad a mob breaks out, wanna take a bet on which happens first.” Helen shakes Chris’s hand and tells him she’ll take robby for $500. At the concert the two enjoy a good dose of power metal only to be bringing up how they miss their friends mentioning pauls name, being front row the two are asked by the lead singer if they know a paul stone. Mentioning he is their roommate he invites them out back for after the concert.

Brendan throws a massive bash with almost everyone there; all the while robby is insulting the group of ghosts from japan asking if they ever truly call western cartoons, anime. While Paul gets high with two girls beside him. Brendan goes around the house finding paul high as hell asking if chris came with him.

“naw, went to aconcert, wont be back til late, killer weed dude.” Brendan laughs and says he brought it from home, only to hear knocking on the door. At the door is a girl with jet black ahir and blood red eyes standing before him.

“ALICIA, what are you doing here, family weekend is next month.” “oh I know I just wanted to see what the fuss was about with this university, you know how I’m tired of your old college.” “you cant be here, private party, you’re not allowed.” “awe whats the matter, afraid I’ll embarrass you, well step aside im hunting hearts tonight.” “oh god please don’t play matchmaker, not here, please not here.”

The girl walks about the house seeing paul and offers some weed, which paul happily smokes without question. She looks around and sees nothing but horny college kids walking about like they own society.

“what a waste of a life, this one is all kinds of directions, and Brendan is acting very suspicious, might as well enjoy myself.”

As she grabs some rum and sits next to Paul, he notices her getting tipsy and remarks she looks new and introduces herself. The two seem to laugh off a lot of the stupid shit the party goers are doing and Brendan looks facepalming hard.

At the concert, no over the two go backstage to find the lead singer offering joints. The two partake and notice the mood is dimmer and more tense. Chris remarks that its not what he expected.

“so you guys are like friends with paul, hes never mentioned you.” the lead singer goes on about they know all about paul and how hes a old friend not someone they should trust, as he hides a lot of what he knows from others for the sake of personal benefit. Not to mention how he gets what he wants whenever he feels compelled.

“you could say, hes the reason were in purgatory.” Helen and chris both drop their drinks and excuse themselves from the backstage and go outside. Helen remarks that even though paul is indeed somewhat secretive he keeps to himself, never blackmailed the group or made remarks about others unless deserved.

“helen, look, I don’t believe it either, paul is a lot of things, a sociopath, and arsonist, a spymaster, a nerd, and a massive ass, but not a killer.” Helen looks at Chris as if he has two heads and retorts hes right, but hearing how someone died and came to purgatory because of someone else is pretty big. The two decide to head home and walk past the party with chris seeing robby dancing to angel beats while pauls stoned on the couch, he sees Brendan go to the back and follows. As he comes to the back he sees Brendan walking towards a lake taking his shirt off. As he does so chris leaps out and startles him, forcing him to try and cover his chest.

“Jesus Chris, what the hell?, thought you were at a concert.” “yeah well it was a bore so we decided to head home, saw the party and thought might as well have some fun, what were you doing near the lake anyway, its autumn.” “its also like 89 out tonight, for some reason, so I figured id go for a swim.” “without a swim suit on?” “uhhhh, yes I just thought it be relaxing, but if you’re going to be a prude. Then maybe…” as he continues talking chris stripped off his clothes to his boxers and jumped into the lake yelling if hes gonna join him.

Brendan looks on as he gazes at chris’s husky body and under the light of the moon his belly hair glistens in the water. He takes his pants off joining him as the two swim, chris dunks brendans head in the water pushing him down.

“hahahahahahaha, come on lets have some fun.”

As chris wrestles Brendan he gets him in a headlock under the water while Brendan squirms out and grabs chris by the wait. In the ruckus Brendan looks under the water in chris’s eyes and immediately pulls back up getting out the water. Sitting at the shoreline wrapped in a towel, chris comes up asking what happened.

“nothing I just got cold, why not warm up I can go start a bonfire.” “I uh cant, not right now.” Brendan looks at chris wondering why he wont come out and asks if he made chris uncomfortable. Chris gets a little red in the face and tells him its nothing like the sort.

“you uh, pulled off my boxers when we wrestled.” “You mean your,…”

“naked yes, just bring me a towel.”

Brendan walks to the shore as chris covers his crotch looking away but catches a glimpse of his groin as he wraps the towel around himself drying off. Blushing he looks at chris as he thanks him for helping.

“So you manscape, that’s hygenic.” “yeah always had, keeps sweat off and everything looks a lot bigger in all honestly.” Brendan cant stop looking and remarks that chris is even cuter with his shirt off as he drys off and puts his pants and socks off and puts his shirt over his shoulder walking off to the house.

“hey chris, um I gotta say, you really fill out well, uh I mean your not thin or muscular  but you seem fit for someone your height.” chris smiles as he thanks Brendan for the compliment going back inside to see paul talking to helen. Paul has come down from his high and asked how the concert is. Helen and chris tell him what was told to them only for paul to get up and walk through the door past robby, drunk off his ass.

“whoa Paul, where’s the fire?, going to go kill someone or some shit.”

Paul tries grabbing robby by the shirt but just lets go and heads home, chris and helen drag robby back to join him. Alicia gets up and walks out as well running into Brendan.

“enjoy your nightly frolic, you’re really just like dad.” “shut it sis, I know exactly what your trying to do and its not working and no I didn’t get to frolic I ran into someone.” Alicia eye glow a purplish tint and looks into Brendan’s eyes.

“Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make me a match, Find me a find, catch me a catch, someone seems to have caught your eye.”

Brendan gets rosy cheeks telling her to shut up as the group makes it home with paul walking inside without a word to his room. Chris opens up to ask whats wrong and paul explains that hes just pissed and confused and doesn’t wanna talk to anyone. Chris puts his hand on pauls shoulder and it begins glowing icy blue. Paul suddenly gets less tense and looks at Chris.

“but that seems to be helping.”

Carly & Ali

Carly: last nite was good of you Carly: saying thanks cuz i read my text from last nite & it was Carly: I cudnt read it k thats facts Ali: nah, don't mention it, no bitch left behind Ali: plus, I know the cunt doing the ditching, been there, like Ali: was trying to translate but yeah, you were pretty fucked 😂 Ali: how you feeling this am? 💚 Carly: yea? hes not that bad Carly: im a slag like he said tbh Carly: feeling like i had a decent nite all things considered Carly: you? Ali: Gurl, yes he is and no you ain't! Ali: Probably Ali: Who cares if you are, he is, and the rest Ali: I dated him for a bit, so there's no shady, tryna steal your man on the sly going on, don't worry Ali: much the same, my head feels like someone took my eyes out and shoved 'em up my arse, you know? Ali: standard sunday vibes Carly: aw you're sweet but it's no diss on me Carly: like ive cheated on him a few times Carly: but he does it too you're right w that Carly: hes a good fuck when he's not too wasted tho which you kno if you got it too Carly: you're single now tho? Carly: can have him back if you want Ali: Fair play Ali: why not call it open and call it a day? Ali: Probs 'cos he likes fighting as much as he likes fucking Ali: Meh, yeah, was passable, gotta have some reason to keep him around, like Ali: Nah, going out with the girl that drove us back Ali: Remember? Dark hair, angry Carly: yea Carly: you know Carly: shit my bad Carly: she was scary is what i've got in my head Carly: idk my head is sketch cant trust it Ali: That's a fair assessment, I reckon Ali: She wouldn't hate it either so you good 😉 Carly: pretty tho Carly: call it a trade up Ali: Yeah, she's cute Ali: you need any more of the night filling in lemme know, I'll do my best Ali: it was pretty standard though, nothing too wild Carly: no faking it w her cuz shes too drunk Carly: designated driver be like Carly: last i see i was getting with his friend lowkey and he went off about it im blank from then Ali: its a fucking gay crime to ever fake it, no matter what Ali: I can get behind that one tho, not got the time or energy tbh Ali: yeah i think him and his friend then got in a scrap and then they left Ali: bros before hoes mentality hardcore, like idk, have fun jerking each other off then, if that's ur vibe boys Carly: k that sounds legit from what i caught on his socials Carly: didnt upload the circle jerk bless Carly: gay crimes must of been committed Ali: sad face Ali: coulda spat on his back Ali: protip Carly: ill let him know when he texts me later Carly: how did you kno where i live? state of me Carly: sorry to drag you this way Ali: plottwist, i'm a massive stalker with bad intentions Ali: I truly don't know, but I'll tell Lene she should be a cabbie 'cos she managed and I don't think we got any puke in her car Carly: k big lesbian crush on me yea Carly: ioher lots Carly: stealing her girl and wrecking her car in one Ali: Naturally, you cute Ali: I'll give you her number if you like, or just pass along the thanks and soz Carly: awh you're cuter Carly: probs still drunk tho Carly: giving me those kind words Carly: you handle the now ex if you love me Ali: Hahaha, he'd LOVE that Ali: ghosts of gf past Ali: Let me and I'll love you forever Carly: go for it Ali: let's see if I've still got his number Ali: this contact list is a minefield of mistakes but the real embarrassment would be getting them muddled up, fo'shame! Carly: i can give it Carly: used it more recently than you Carly: up there at my top Ali: won't be tellin' him that Ali: don't need the ego boost Ali: but tah Carly: makes it more fun to fuck him over if you praise him first Carly: but maybe thats me Ali: like a shit sandwich Ali: I get it Carly: hungry for anything but that rn Carly: [Sends the number tho] Ali: wanna come for brunch Ali: now you are newly gay Ali: that's what they do, fucking sex in the city up in dis bitch Carly: yea? weird Carly: not what i thought Carly: awh first date tho Ali: forreal, even the butch ones, don't let 'em fool you, its all fancy fucking eggs and screwdrivers by 11am Ali: you call 'em mimosas tho, gotta pretend you're being classy Carly: wtf is a screwdriver Ali: Babe! Ali: Vodka and orange juice Carly: i call it that Carly: gays and their labels Ali: save it for the rant sesh honey Ali: love you talking about how men ain't shit as well Carly: thats the ones i fuck Carly: cant be bringing no poshos to a caravan Ali: Posh boys are only good for the money anyway, I'm sure Ali: not finding any in 24 like regardless Carly: not gonna find out if they do drive by now im a lesbian wife Carly: sorry lads Ali: they had their chance Ali: unlucky boys Carly: should prob tell me your name again if im taking it Ali: Ruins the mystery a bit but alright Ali: Its Ali Ali: Ali McKenna if we're being formal Carly: k you've got the hot brothers Carly: makes sense Ali: 🤔 Ali: I think you're thinking of someone else, babe Carly: not trying to have our first fight but you coulda told me before we got hitched, bitch Carly: you're still hot tho don't be sad Ali: so you could run off with one of my brothers? i think not Ali: unless you meant Tommy 'cos he's very single but that's unlikely because he's never here Ali: stuck with me for now, hoe 😘 Carly: a slag like me could do worse Carly: has Ali: bitch, same Ali: we can compare notes, see how many regrets we got in common Carly: yea Carly: doing it Ali: Good, save it for brunch 'cos I'm coming forreal Ali: we don't have to deal with a gaggle of gossiping gays tho, bring you a maccies breakfast? Carly: k Carly: be fun Carly: you are from what i remember Ali: I like that Ali: No bullshit Ali: Imma start all interactions like be fun please or I'm out Ali: ✌ bringing the fun and the bacon babe Carly: you're not bringing your gf are you Ali: Nah, how awkward, meet the missus, honey Carly: like there's usually a lad in my trio sorry Carly: still learning this lesbian life Ali: oh, are you bi legit? Ali: she's way too jealous for threesomes, you're good Carly: nah i just know what lads want Ali: Oh gurl Ali: that's why Lene ain't coming Ali: the lecture you're avoiding Carly: idc Carly: youre my wife now bitch Ali: 💍💍 Ali: Productive morning, if I do say so myself Ali: and we're hanging, fuck with us Carly: good influence of you cuz i havent done fuck all this week Ali: Hard work being a bi icon, babe Ali: wait 'til I get you on the yoga hype Carly: wtf Carly: is that a joke Ali: nah, I've already done half an hour this morning Carly: bitch i had my fingers crossed you mistyped yogurt Carly: i love you but its a no Ali: 😂 lets be really into yogurt, not fancy stuff, like fucking froobs Carly: phallic Carly: slurping on my dick shaped yogurt Ali: exactly Ali: what do men love more than a representation of their genitals shoved in your mouth? nothing, is the answer, bar the real thing Ali: so seductive Carly: they don't like food in bed tho, but maybe thats my technique Carly: thinking you could use whatever Carly: k just gonna dump this curry out yea bear with Ali: spicy Ali: imagine the yeast infection you'd get from a fromage frais Carly: like sorry but if i can handle cum in my eye you can deal with some saag aloo boy Carly: googling those symptoms would be a laff tho Ali: ugh, now i want indian Carly: date 2, babe Ali: 😍 Ali: this is all moving so fast Ali: 'bout it Carly: thats all i kno about lesbians k Ali: Its so true Ali: Can confirm Carly: is your gf gonna be mad that im flirting with you Carly: cuz im scrappy but she's scary Ali: 😂 Ali: Probably but when I tell her you're straight she'll have to chill Ali: yeah, we're married BUT SHE'S STRAIGHT, BABE Carly: can't tell her how many girls ive fucked cuz i dont remember Carly: convenient Ali: Best keep that on the DL, yeah Ali: like your blatant gay feelings for me Carly: k Carly: been a secret before no big Ali: Awh babe, ain't nothing dirty about this Ali: I shall tell the world Carly: you're sweet Ali: Probably not if you still wanna be getting that D but you know, noblest intentions, like Carly: im over it Carly: go off Ali: when your pussy's the cure Ali: how can I be humble now? 😏 Carly: dont be Carly: proud slags who fucking love froobs Carly: its a mood Ali: that is a whole ass mood Ali: put it on a t-shirt, babe Carly: earn some bread for my table Ali: solid business plan Ali: we can't be the only ones Carly: independent women who don't need no dick Carly: anymore Ali: hell yeah! Ali: unless that dick wanna pay the bills, in which case we'll let 'em Ali: so we can get more froobs Carly: point Ali: oh no, someone put a pic of Molly Briggs vomming on Insta Ali: 1. gross 2. who hasn't been there, poor bitch Carly: sad Carly: hope she's alright Ali: I'd ask but don't really know her and her phone must already be blowing up Ali: plus she threw a netball right in my face once and I don't forget, bitch Ali: jk, I'll just report the pic 😂 Carly: they all call me a whore cba to keep track of which mollys or other bitches Ali: She is a bit of a bitch, ain't gonna sugarcoat it so probably Ali: not saying Karmas real but posted on that friggin' TallaghtSlags page so 🤷 Ali: grab a froob, darling Carly: her name makes me wanna party with her dad but thats as far as im fucking with that family Carly: or mum i dont know who picked it like Ali: Init, proper old skool ravers, obvs Ali: think I'm out of eccies, sadly Ali: last night depleted me Carly: Watch me call my son Bennie cos I got anxiety, baby Ali: Cute tho, whole medicine cabinet of babies Carly: why not im married now Ali: We'll get on that, date 3, like Carly: where you taking me? Ali: up the wheyyyyyyyyyy Ali: well, we had brunch, indian, obvs we're fat bitches Ali: get on that chinese buffet life Carly: you can get on your yoga mat tho Carly: im fucked Carly: letting myself go so soon my bad Ali: Please, you're perfect Ali: I'll have all the kids if you want Carly: blushing is what i am Carly: how many you want? Ali: how many people names are there for drugs? molly bennie mandy charlie umm Ali: and our preachy child, frank Carly: ha Carly: tina that's one Ali: Ooh, yes, a gay icon Carly: billy, bud our weak child, cosmic kelly who's gonna have to style that out Ali: oh kelly, I hope you have the personality to match or we've really fucked you over there, soz babe Carly: can't forget dimitri, lucy or mandy Carly: sweet sweet mary joy Ali: My fanny hurts just thinking about it Carly: christine and tina are obvs twins thats a relief Carly: how manys that? Ali: 13 Ali: Unlucky for some but my actual lucky number! Ali: Fated Carly: ha Carly: it's love and keeps being proven Ali: can't fight what's clearly so right Carly: true Ali: you want a milkshake Ali: i'm having one Carly: yea Carly: strawberry Ali: 'cos u so sweet 💚 Carly: awww Ali: I shall be right there, with brunch fit for a pair of proud slags Carly: k Carly: my parents arent here no need to break the news of wedded bliss Ali: Would be a weird first impression but I could rock it Ali: new fave in-law? I think so Carly: yea Carly: cant fight fate like Carly: been said Ali: forreal, catch me outside if you got something to say, lads Ali: alone time with the bae is always good tho Carly: you kno Carly: love you bitch Ali: love ya 😘