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kettlefire · 2 years

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Vomit Pile #3

Fandom: Stranger things

Pairing: Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson

Summary: Steve Harrington was raised to never be a bother, to always be invisible unless he was a rising star. Sometimes... sometimes you can't live the way you were taught. Especially when the man you've been falling for shows up in the middle of a rain storm.

Warning: Angst without a happy ending.

Steve Harrington knew nothing more that being a popular kid. If he was going to get his parents attention it was going to be this way. He was going to be great at sports, or catching all the girls attention.

Things his parents could brag about.

The he met Eddie Munson. Eddie fucking Munson.

He was jealous. How could he not be? Dustin made a new friend. A friend that was apparently so much cooler than him. Steve couldn't blame him.

To himself, he was nothing more than a 2D piece of cardboard. He shared basically nothing with these kids when it came to interests.

Then Eddie showed up. With his perfect long hair, and large brown eyes. Suddenly, all Steve could think about was Eddie.

Eddie Fucking Munson.

And the way he shifted his voice when called for. The way he left the kids laughing with tears. And the way all his kids would go to him for advice, or for their nerd things.

Steve hated it. He would wish Eddie never came into their life, but he also knew that Eddie was making it easier for everyone there.

The day Mike found out Eddie was gay, he left and talked to Will. The tension that was building between the group vanished in the matter of days.

After Steve spent months trying to get everyone to be okay with each other. After Steve spent nights awake, and stressing over it all. Eddie showed up, and within days, it was fixed.

Don't even get Steve started on how well Eddie connected with Max.

Max who fought him every time he showed concern. Max who yelled, and got defensive when he tried to show any interest in her life.

Steve hated Eddie.

But he also loved him.

Loved him for showing up and being there for the kids. Helping them in ways Steve could only dreamed to do. He wanted to always hate Eddie, but every time the nerd opened his mouth-it changed.

Every time Steve saw the way the kids stared up at him like he was a god. It shifted. The hate and jealousy Steve felt at first turned into something else.

Something Steve couldn't name.

Not that he'd tell the kids. He will take this to his grave. He won't tell a soul about the way he tried hard not to flush when he's called 'big boy'. Or the way he felt a warmth grow in him like a rising sun, every time the kids' face lit up seeing Eddie.

Eddie was his internal secret he won't tell anyone about.

Except Robin.

How could he not gush to her, and she took all his annoying rants in strides. Hell, most of the time he's sure she knew about his man-crush before he did.

He had to tell her, after the day she helped him realize he was bisexual, how could he hide this from her.

Ignoring his internal turmoil, Steve was there every time Eddie needed a safe place to stay. Every time Eddie needed to vent about how he was trying to start living with his uncle.

Every time Eddie needed to feel safe enough to cry.

It was never at the Munson household. Eddie hated his parents. Hate was a strong word... Eddie feared them, in a way Steve would never understand. Regardless, Steve was always there.

He stamped out his heart, so he could be the safe space for Eddie. Just like he was for everyone else.

Until that night.

It was pouring rain, you could barely see five feet in front of yourself. So, Steve opted to stay in. He kept himself busy with records, and the occasional call to Robin before phone lines went down.

He saw how his day was going, and resigned himself to a lonely night in with his music.

Until the knock.

The bone-soaked Eddie that stood in his porch was jarring enough. What made it so much worse, was the horribly done buzz-cut the man was sporting.

Steve ushered him in, offering a fresh jacket from the coat closet that was never touched. Eddie refused it, not to Steve's surprised.

Once entering, Eddie immediately asked for anything. Alcohol, weed, drugs. Anything to help him forget about why he's hair was gone, why he showed up to Steve's place in the middle of a storm.

Steve should have backed off. He should have indulged Eddie in his need for mindless distractions, and not push for why.

Then the argument happened. It started so quickly, and dissolved into something worse.

"It's no big surprise you turned out this way!"

Steve regretted it the moment it left his mind. But Eddie was being defensive, and pushing Steve away. Even when Steve was trying his hardest to comfort the man. All he got in return were aggressive jabs, and anger.

So Steve snapped. He was getting fed up. Maybe it was between holding in his feels for the other man, or it was just the tiredness after a long day with his parents, and watching the kids.

"Fuck you!"

Steve wasn't surprised by the reaction. Although, he expected Eddie to turn around and leave, afterwards. For once, he didn't.

For as long as Steve has known Eddie, the man has only stood up for one reason. Always. To protect the one's he loved. Never himself.

Steve should have stopped. He should have apologized, and actually given the shorter man comfort. He didn't.

"They shaved off your hair, and you ran away! You figured I'd be the best comfort?!"

The way Eddie's face crumbled at his words almost stopped Steve in his track. Almost. Instead he kept going. Yelling in a way he knew he'd be hoarse by morning.

It was ugly. No other way to explain it.

But so much was put out into the open. Only on Eddie's end of things. The disgusting way his dad treated him. The way his mom cried slurs at him on the daily since they found out he was gay.

The way Eddie never felt safe. The way Eddie yelled about the bruises he's endured in silence. Why he was so connected to Max.

In those moments, the fight was slowly slipping from Steve. All he could think about was protecting him. Just like he did the others.

Lies. Not like the others. Eddie was the only one he ever dreamed about waking up on a lazy Sunday with. Half-heartedly debating about getting up, even if they knew they had nothing to do.

A domesticated life.

By the end of Eddie's rant, Steve had tears in his eyes. He was trying to hard to stop himself from pulling the metal-head in close. Holding him tight, and attempting to kiss the pain away.

Instead he tried to pick the best words to say. The best way to fix an already fucked up situation.

"Please just stay here. Until you can live with Wayne at least."

The harsh laugh that left Eddie was like a stab to the gut. Steve already felt his heart drop passed his gut, all the way to the floor. When Eddie spoke, it was like someone twisting the knife.

"Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way."

Then he was gone.

Eddie finally ran away.

Steve tried to hold it together. As Dustin questioned him about Eddie, as everyone apart of the club came to him. For some fucking reason.

Steve didn't break.

He told them he had no clue where Eddie was. That the man must have given up on trying to graduate before leaving Hawkins. He must have finally left.

He held it in as best he could.

Until one drunken night with Robin, and he told her everything. Told her about how Eddie told him he loved him before he left. How he blamed himself for why Eddie left. Worse of all, he told Robin how much he wished he had kissed him.

Wish he told Eddie how he felt. Wished he told the man that there was someone in Hawkins that loved him.

He sobbed late into the night. While Robin held him, trying to console him. But no matter what anyone told him. There was one thing Steve believed.

Steve Harrington failed Eddie Munson when he needed help the most.

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sysig · 1 year

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A very normal scientist doing very normal gene splicing experiments (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Handplates #Gaster #Wobbledogs #Sometimes media flooding bleeds over into other interests at the same time and yes that is my only justification for this lol #I'm always most amused by the sequence of things lol - I'd already started in on Handplates again but then got very diverted by Wobbledogs #Which is especially weird to me because I was introduced to the game like half a year ago and it didn't really grab me #It's cute but eh it's fine - and then I watched a proper lightly edited playlist not like jumpcut-jumpcut-jumpcut #That can make for a very punchy one-off but it doesn't really reflect the gameplay loop #So actually getting to see it properly made the difference and I kinda Get It now and also kinda want to own the game lol #MeanWhile - Ghoster's been hanging out as my desktop buddy literally /while/ watching and I was getting new ideas on that front #They smushed together lol #Having him onscreen is just a good excuse to do a quick once-over style of study and follow some silly ideas haha #What would Gaster think of a progressive mutation type game ♪ Watching them grow watching them struggle to walk #Only uses the scold feature - or the worse option that he treats the dogs better than the skelebros noooo haha #Pretty much all of the creatures in Undertale are sentient to some degree aren't they :0 Wobbledogs are just dogs #They're not monsters but they're not humans but they're not exactly just dogs either - just little creachurs haha #It's fun to imagine him nurturing anyone or anything haha ♪ Goes from ''???'' to ''How can I help this reach their full potential''#Whatever ''potential'' means in his own context hehe #It's cute in its own way

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wildbasil · 8 days

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group therapy (they make each other worse)

#gwyn ap nudd #edern ap nudd #blodeuwedd #arthuriana #mabinogion #pa gur #medieval literature #welsh mythology #artists on tumblr #digital art #alcohol cw #art tag #------------------------------------------------------------#just as i don't think owain ap nudd exists i think gwyn godyfrion is gwyn ap gudd 😌#ok hear me out though #there are lots of gwyns in medieval welsh literature and i don't think they're all gwyn ap nudd (sadly)#but my man gwyn godyfrion. look. “dyfr” means water. like in the word dyfriog (watery). and gwyn ap nudd is very much associated with water #rides the watery horse du y moroedd. has a little chat with gwyddno garanhir who's the ruler of a kingdom that gets flooded.#dormach's funny flipper legs. rival gwythyr is associated with fire.#and there's the idea that annwn (of which gwyn ap nudd is the ruler) is itself underwater. and so on and so forth #sims-williams (‘the early welsh arthurian poems’ in arthur of the welsh. 1991) suggests godyfrion as a place name. underwater maybe.#so if gwyn godyfrion is “gwyn from under the water” i don't think it's unreasonable to suggest he's in some way connected to gwyn ap nudd #“but dizzy!! gwyn godyfrion is mentioned alongside gwyn ap nudd in culhwch and olwen!” the answer is that i simply choose to ignore that #while we're on the topic. the ddylad in creiddylad = flood #ok class dismissed #anyway gwyn and creiddylad i am pleased to tell you that my irl name means “sea” 😌 i am one of you

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sincerely-sofie · 5 months

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Continuing from this post:

Bud doesn’t handle seeing Dusknoir very well at first.

Don’t worry, she warms up to him eventually.

#very rushed execution in this comic but I had to get the idea down #Bud later becomes Dusknoir’s greatest cheerleader but starts out absolutely petrified whenever she sees him #which. like. is totally fair.#if I was constantly hunted down by a big scary ghost who wanted to kill me and my brother when I was a little kid #I would be not very excited about seeing him again #he eventually wins her over by doing fatherly nonsense that Bud (unlike Twig) absolutely eats up #but it takes a bit to get there #(Jsab-fujii inspired that last panel so everyone go flood her with thanks for her Dadnoir content)#stuff by sofie #the present is a gift: paradox edition au #the present is a gift au #(kinda sorta. tagging it just in case.)#pmd2 #pmd eos #pmd explorers #pmd sky #pmd #pokémon mystery dungeon #pmd grovyle #pmd dusknoir #pmd hero #pmd au #PMD comic #pokemon mystery dungeon #dadnoir #pmd comic #pmd sableye

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fictionadventurer · 1 year

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&

#'what do you do for fun?' people ask me #'write 1300 word essays about lincoln's secretary of state' i don't tell them #i am no doubt pushing the limits of your tolerance for american history facts #i'm pushing the limits of my own tolerance for my nerdiness #but i haven't had a fandom this fascinating in years #let me get this out of my system #i feel guilty about flooding my dash with this stuff #i'd feel guiltier except that fandom is kind of tumblr's thing #if i can deal with peoples' ghosts and vampires they can scroll past my presidents #i scheduled the post for tomorrow morning to give you a couple hours' break #i wasn't even going to write it out until i was like 'what other kind of post should i write?'#and the main idea coming to mind was about how the seward-lincoln story was giving me thoughts about some of my ocs #and i decided to cave and just write about the guy himself #it was a lot more extensive and time-consuming than i expected #i got a bit embarrassed when i realized how much time i'd devoted to that this evening #hadn't realized quite how far gone i was #i should really cleanse my mental palate with a fairy tale or two #or at least stop writing these tags and get some sleep

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makotonaegiunderstander · 1 month

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thinking about my Tokyo Ghoul au I made for Danganronpa. It was meant to be kind of its own thing, not necessarily doing THH and not necessarily copying the plot beats of Tokyo Ghoul. Either way Makoto takes Kaneki’s place kind of, mainly bc when I read the opening I could not stop thinking about what supernaturally bad luck Kaneki had. And the way Kaneki ended up being the “bridge between two worlds” and represented justice and a means to an end for BOTH sides at different points gave me ‘Ultimate Hope’ vibes. At the same time Kaneki could EASILY be replaced with Hajime due to the conspiracy that Kaneki’s accident was done on purpose to basically experiment on someone to see if they could create the hope they needed. Only reason I didn’t jump to it is bc back then I was sticking Makoto in any scenario I wanted AND there’s another Tokyo Ghoul character that fits Hajime’s story. Anyway. I wanted to toy with the idea of someone who values life and helping others so deeply as Makoto being forced to do horrible things or else lose himself entirely. Becoming something you feared and only viewed as a monster until they revealed themselves to be people, but still horrified to find yourself in the middle. I think Makoto would have a unique reaction and I think he’d lean much more towards self sacrifice and helping try to get both sides to see each other’s humanity much faster than Kaneki did or Hajime would. But he’d also be ashamed and scared of what he’d become and desperate not to hurt anyone, which would be a disaster in the making as the longer a Ghoul goes without eating a person, the more beast like and unhinged they become. It’s not ALL that much different from a vampire au save the fact that there’s no option to just. get a little blood from a living person and leave them just slightly woozy or raid blood bags from donations. You HAVE to seriously injure someone or outright kill them to live, which is what separates the two.

#I’m rambling and losing the ability to type so this may be incoherent sorry #all my memories of the shit I did with Danganronpa has come flooding back to me in waves #I had art of Makoto and Hajime’s kagune somewhere LOL #Makoto’s was like a vine with thorns that could shoot out like bullets. I may workshop that if I ever revisit it though #Hajime’s was essentially a Kagune version of Izuru’s long tendrils of hair. this mass of dark tendrils #almost like a kraken #I MAY change Makoto’s to be the wing ones though bc they can shoot shards (Touka for example) and it could have the bullet effect #in which case I’d give Hajime the vines for an ‘overgrown’ look #Togami is secretly a ghoul from a very affluent house much like that guy that runs the colliseum in TG #Kirigiri works for the. fuck what’s their name. the group that investigates ghouls #but can’t stand the way her father runs things #lots of other shit. I genuinely considered making Junko a normal human who just is the same btw #instead of giving her Rise’s role just making her normal Junko. which would be fun #my idea in that case would have been for Hajime as Izuru to be the ghoul who’s kagune is used on Naegi to make him half goul #OR it could be some random ghoul for whom Naegi’s luck plays a factor #that’s right I’m keeping Hope’s Peak Academy in this the world in this au is well and truly fucked one way or another

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itspileofgoodthings · 2 years

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I love being surprised by good things in life but in order to be surprised by things you have to have let all specific expectations of receiving them go free which is hard to do when you KNOW that there are good things and you love being surprised by them. Hard not to crane your neck to get a better look at them in advance though doing it spoils the whole thing.

#I am really good at being surprised and also really terrible at it #I am really good at it because I am oblivious sometimes and stuck deeply in my own head/whatever has my attention #and then good things will spring out at me and I’ll be so astonished and then joyful #and then I’m really bad at it because I will look too hard for it/be overly aware/expect too much #I guess it’s hard because my total obliviousness is something that I lose more and more as I get older #and good things DO happen to me and I have experience of them and start to form ideas #whereas when I was younger the first time I really had an experience of love or beauty I was totally unprepared for it #and so completely flooded and filled by it #Like. There are moments I remember where someone would hug me or smile at me or say something kind and I was just Overcome by it all #but that does fade with time and understanding #but maybe there’s still a way of keeping some of it if you don’t let specific expectations take too strong a hold of you #And just keep taking what you’re given every day and letting things unfold #Except then it’s more like you start being surprised (in a good way) by the pattern of things #not just a moment anymore #but a bigger view of the picture #and the surprise doesn’t come from not knowing about good things but about not demanding them #Or looking for them too much #But just trusting and attending mostly to the present moment #Anyway! These hands etc. etc.#also ‘give us this day our daily bread’ I mean !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway I love being surprised by good things more than I love anything. It’s my favorite way to experience joy #so I’ve absolutely had moments where I’ve ruined it by over-expectation #making a lot of posts these days thank you for reading. It’s the season I guess!

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dear-kumari · 2 years

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It’s kinda odd to see ppl defend Legendary Disaster’s lion swap in 2022. I get that there were interesting meta reasons behind it but like, we do all remember that “let’s have the paladins match their lions and then switch them all up to match their original 80s placements for the nostalgic appeal” was arguably the genesis for all the worst choices in VLD’s narrative and visual design, right

#Kumari comments #Kumari abuses the tagging system #No shade to people who liked the homage I just think it was an awkward decision that spiraled out into some disastrous storytelling #I guess having an in-universe explanation for the mismatched colors was a cute idea in theory but man did it not work in practice #From a purely aesthetic standpoint it was just plain Bad #and if it'd been planned out properly all the lion cockpits wouldn't have been flooded with a single color #Lance and Keith looked terribly out of place in Red and Black and there's really no getting around that #and all the post-swap discourse basically amounted to 'but when are they gonna swap back tho' bc the expectation to match had been planted #not to mention Everything that went into getting Shiro out of the picture #idk.#sometimes … homages … aren't worth it #If they'd just gone with the original colors/placements from the start and handwaved it as an 'Altean' quirk I could've respected that #it would've felt more like an attempt to respect the sentai tropes from GoLion and less like the producers trying to have it both ways #as-is I just get the impression that they didn't respect the source material /or/ the story they were supposedly trying to tell #It's a lot like the pedantic fuckery in those live-action makes of Disney animated classics ya know?#like 'we want to shamelessly capitalize on your nostalgia but we also need a Logical Reason for xyz fairytale trope'#but perhaps a smidge more earnest bc Voltron isn't/wasn't a huge cash cow on the level of a Disney film #idk. if we're entering a 'VLD was okay actually' era of discourse can someone give me a heads up so I can go scream into a pillow for while?#bc that's not something I wanna be around for

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loverboybitch · 1 year

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getting really attached to the idea of living in my little apartment forever actually.//.

#imjustsittinghere #i know iv complained about this apartment alot but i think i could make it really nice if i tried #been thinking about moving a bunch n stuff cause i thought my roomie was moving out in the summer but apparently not #was also just playing around with the idea that if he does move out id just rent the whole thing for myself if i get my promotion #n that still sounds like a really fun n cool idea #literally 1 bedrooms in the city are like 2000$ anyway and we pay 1900 here so like.. i could have two bedrooms lol #keep mine as a bedroom as is cause its cozy n nice in here #turn my roommates room into a nice living room . like i already know how id lay it out #turn the space we currently have as a lil living room/my sewing space into an actual just nice little workspace maybe #and i was flipping through my zines just now and i have one from billie about making a darkroom and now im thinking how easy it would #be to turn our weird little grotto thing into a really nice lil darkroom for developing film.......#wouldnt that be sick.. i know so many people who shoot film i could develop and do prints for people #like yeah that little grotto flooded literally yesterday cause of a storm but i think i could improve upon the space alot #of course cant really move on this cause my roommate is presumably still gonna be living here for a while (two years most likely)#but smthn to think about. in the meantime im working on getting a new couch for our tiny living room so its at least a nice spot #i was rearranging some stuff the other night n i think im gonna add some shelves n make it alot cozier of a space #or maybe ill end up moving who knows!#anyway interview for my promotion on monday wish me luck my loves <3

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kakusu-shipping · 1 year

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Finally decided to jump in AO3′s Mariocest collection, which is really good btw I recommend Priorities Rewritten by Karatecake, easily my favorite one I read all night

Anyway I accidentally ended off on an Angst/Unrequited Love/Dark fic because I apparently cannot read warning tags so now I’m sad and it’s 5am so I have to go to bed sad

#I don't know how to use AO3 I love it it's so cool people there are incredibly powerful #I am just stupid #I have no reason to actually tag this Mariocest I don't wanna be the guy flooding the tag with personal posts #but it might end up there anyway sorry read the fic I linked and don't read anything else I guess dkfgjdfkjgk I'm annoying #Aaaaaaaaaaugh #I'm SUCH a bad Angst/Non-Con guy it just BUMS ME OUT #I have no idea how people do this more power to you and all but man #MAN #I don't even know how I got there it was ALSO the only Smut I read because I don't care about Smut #How did I GET HERE #I didn't read the damn tags is absolutely what happened it was my own fault #I did this #The best Mariocest fics aren't tagged Mariocest btw they're Mario/Luigi + Sibling Incest only #And a few that should be tagged Mario&Luigi but kfgjdkfjgf I don't think the kids are ready to know that difference just yet #I'm making this post to procrastinate going to bed because I'm legit gonna just lay there and be sad over this fic I read #And I don't know how to fix it #Hhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna write a Mariocest fic but how and about what other than the Bros Kiss huh #Brain tumble #Aight off to bed to be sad and mildly triggered by my own choice (accident) to read Fucked Up Shit #I dub-coned myself with a Fanfiction. I consented but did I really #Anyway.Good night to my Baled Mario plushie I kissie him head and know he is fine and nothing is wrong between him and Luigi #They are in romantic love

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sysig · 8 months

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Goal: Be normal

Obstacle: Watching literally any interpretation of Treasure Island, apparently

#Why's it Stevenson again. What has he done for me lately (Jekyll and Hyde)#That was like the one book that I just straight up refused to read in school and it's back to haunt me #And honestly I'd be fine if it was just one thing! But no it's a weird fucked up web of loving stuff!#'Cause first of all it's RLS as previously states - Jekyll and Hyde author (love) which just puts me in a clone/doppleganger state of mind #Okay fine I'm already there you got me #But then you've got me in a pirates mood which my brain Is Still After All This Time in love (love!) with the Pirate Fic #And it super doesn't help that Treasure Planet is also sci-fi as if I wasn't aliens enough lol #But like the relationship between Silver and Hawkins and growing into your own person and just jfskalfsdf #Stop being good! Stop it! You're giving me Feelings and Feelings spawn Ideas and I Am Trying To Edit!!#I am backlogged to fuck btw I am suffering :'D I legit might have to pump the breaks I have so much to edit #We're talking in the hundreds - meanwhile my brain is trying to point me back to the Pirate Fic because look ♥ Authors (love) Stories (love)#Stop your nonsense! I'm trying to focus!#Doesn't help that I haven't drawn for a couple days either so The Energy is building meanwhile I'm trying to wall up against the flood #Stop making! The two halves are out of whack! I'm making way way Way more than I can keep up with!#Editing has gotten boring as well which is :/ It did used to be relaxing but I'm just so impatient now #I want to draw! But then I also want to show off what I've drawn! But I want it to be pretty!#I need to tear through this notebook - drawing brain likes this idea and editing brain hates it - 'cause the paper is subpar :/#Dark lines with a grain that catches graphite not fun to work with - fine to draw on but a pain to edit #Anyway lol ♪ Back to what I was doing before #Update: WAIT I forgot the Feelings I had about Arrow fjdslakfdjf #The dynamics are non-specific and apply all the way around because I say so

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noxtivagus · 1 year

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random thought usually i kin characters that i love the most or characters i rather hate in a way (hate is too strong of a word though hmm)

#i usually don't exactly share things outright or directly abt myself to others. if you go out of your way to do so or analyze me you're #always welcome to do so ngl that intrigues me a lot. i do that w others often n the idea of the same happening to me just feels too foreign #i know hmm why exactly i'm like this rn n i don't care enough anymore to rlly write about it anymore #each time i think i write too much or say too much that's usually when i get worse n worse #earlier this year this summer when i was doing pretty well but then.. 'i talk too much'#n then part of me just disappeared since then #it hurts when it always feels like a part of me is just always hidden in a way. not that it's my intention bcs #i really want to just be myself n be authentic or wtvr but #this.. loneliness that has always been with me that i #hmm. thinking abt it n i haven't had any good dreams lately huh. despite sleeping early i still haven't rlly slept well #n the real world feels like a dream too. n then #this emptiness that's just always there despite all the things that have made me happy lately. it all feels like a dream #the past feels so far away. the sight of the stars the dawn on the horizon. the clouds yonder over the beach #all of it slipping out of my reach. the chill breeze hugging me n how free i felt in all those moments #reaching out.. reaching out wld leave me be to either fall or drown #in a literal sense n. also metaphorically #in hesitance for either outcome. perhaps everything's just taken away by the wind instead.#every trace taken away by the rain that floods my mind?#dunno what i'm writing. i just can't feel that i'm.. living properly. despite all of this #that disconnection or wtvr along w the regret n guilt n wtvr that just. piled up or wtvr #i lost a part of me that night. all these reflections confuse me so much n just warp my mind to other worlds #dilemmas so many dilemmas n these thoughts n emotions just contradict so painfully n #i'm fine. but. i don't want to forsake my progress or my younger n future self n #who am i? what do i want? why can't i.. reach out? incompetence on so many levels it gets hard to hold unto myself #but still i'll hope i guess. still dream n wish n write. but i'm just losing my energy n motivation to connect w reality #i'm sorry. for everything. so much i can't write.. but everything's crammed in my head or smth. but i'll be fine i'm fine #this is my fault. i'll do this on my own. i'm sorry #it's so confusing bcs i love myself more than i hate myself n i know what i need n should do but. yeah #i'll be fine eventually. with wtvr i'll do n wtvr pain so long as i still live even if i lose hope so long as i hold unto tomorrow..#i'm too tired to reach out for others n for myself anymore. i'm sorry. i'll be fine though i'll just think of other stuff for now

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daz4i · 2 years

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my dad: you're going to sleep now (19:30)? why not wait about 2 hours so you can wake up in the actual morning?

me, after spending most of today watching horror related videos, knowing this will def feed into my brain and cause me to be anxious and unable to sleep until I'm straight up just too exhausted to stay awake: don't worry i won't fall asleep for awhile now :)

#listen. listen. I'd like to consider myself a logical person.#which is why. i can logically say. that even though i don't believe in ghosts or demons or spirits etc etc.#i am perfectly aware that in a heightened state of anxiety (esp whej you're tired) our brain may cause mild hallucinations.#which. after watching a lot of horror content. your brain would naturally be flooded with these ideas.#therefore creating them for you to see/hear/feel etc.#which is still scary. even when i know all this. and logically know they're not real.#you understand me i think. no judging please. i did enjoy the horror content i watched tho #the thing is that the idea of spirits and such don't scare me I just hate scary faces i really do #not even scary ones. any shape that my brain decides to decipher as a face looking forward creeps me the fuck out idk why #something about eyes looking at me. makes me very uncomfortable. to say the least.

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tvweeklogieawards · 2 years

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See I'm sort of sad that my hyperfixation moved on from Brassic in May cause Brassic 4 is coming out and I went insane when s3 came out but I know it won't be the same. Like I just won't be as excited. I mean tbf Brassic 3 caused a hypomanic episode but STILL.

#flood warning #brassic #why does being hyperfixated cause me hypomania what is up with that #when succession became my hyperfixation i was literally yelling my 'genius' kendall ideas at my ex #and when brassic 3 came out i walked all like 15 kilometres just thinking about it and watched the season 2 times over

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mimicteruyo · 2 years

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Me, calculating the estimated lengths of everything on my highest priority WIP list: “I could 100% finish all of these drafts before the end of the year.”

The realistic part of me: “That’s never going to happen.”

Me: “That’s never going to happen.”

#it's annoying because i have written that amount before in half as much time #but every time i make confident plans about clearing out my priority list one of the following happens:#a) i end up flooding the list with even more ideas #b) i burn out and mostly stop writing #c) both of the above #and for some reason whenever i do make headway i get scared #'what if i'll never have another story idea again oh no'#someone tell me to just write the goddamn things already and then take a break or whatever #editing it all out will take forever anyway #teruyo talk #also yeah wow am i a salty baby today what the hell is up #oh there's also d)#d) get completely distracted by a shiny new idea and chase that instead

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reidslibrarybook · 2 years

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i’m so overwhelmed cuz i just had a meeting for ONE of my outside of class commitments and i already feel like a little piece of shit lmao 😀

#i’m so overwhelmed #and i’m flooded with things #and i just ? don’t know if i’m up for it #but there’s no choice for me anymore #like i can’t just drop them but it’s not like i would anyways #i ran a meeting today which is one of my responsibilities and i had no idea what i was doing #and ppl were staring at me #and i was freaking out and the advisor approached me after and told me that i was too quiet. etc.#and ik she wasn’t trying to bash me but i felt rlly bad afterwards #ugggghhhh my brain is lagging and i have another stupid meeting to run tmrw and the advisor for that little commitment is a douchebag #nat’s tangents

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