#and there doesnt have to be anything metaphorical about it. we are a real brother and sister. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

haley770 · 2 months

Text

glue me by los campesinos! is my favorite song(by my favorite band) ever and it is so so wilmon. literally everything about this song is perfect and beautiful. the lyrics represent wilmon and young royals so much. so lets go through it, shall we?

just a little note: almost nothing about this is in any order of the show(it is in order of the lyrics), basically just what scenes/things i am reminded of by some of the lyrics because so much of it lines up with this amazing show [:

youtube

/this song begins with such an amazing line, "the clouds salivating, drooling from the sky at the thought of the trouble to wreck" it is raining. water is such a big component as a metaphor in this show to represent everyones feelings. (thank you @tvmicroscope i love your analysis') its also just such a beautiful way to describe the rain as well, the clouds salivating, oh my god (!!! WTFF thats AMAZING I LOVE IT). and then it continues, "and its high tide, as the sewers rise and the drains have become obsolete" it is flooding. both of these just make me think of how it was raining on wilhelm in the soccer/football field scene. when he was soo fucking high and confused and overwhelmed, his brain was being flooded by so many feelings and emotions. probably conflicting each other. wilhelms entire life as he knew it is falling apart, he lost his brother, his best and only friend. he blames himself. he feels guilty. he is burdened with the title of the crown prince, which is the last thing that wilhelm wants. and most importantly(to him at least) he had to reject the love of his life because the crown prince cannot be gay like that. he felt like he was drowning in all of these emotions. he couldnt handle it, "i cant do this anymore", earlier in this same episode when he yet again rejected simon. but still, he goes on and makes the most amazing(and somewhat embarassing) love confession to simon because that is what he really feels. it is the only thing he can take a chance with for him to feel anything nice. and real. (ily tvmicroscope your analysis' are so beautiful)

/and now simon turns up, "seems theres no place in this town, for something as pure as you seem" wilhelm definitely thought this when simon actually came to rescue him in the middle of the night all like "you came, oh my god you came, im so glad youre here, youre so beautiful" wilhelm was definitely shocked simon actually came, especially after all the back and forth wilhelm put him through. it just further proves how amazing(pure) simon is(for this world/town).

/another heartbreaking one "water to my waist in a shark-infested bin" again reminds me of the football field scene when it was raining. wilhelm is so overwhelmed with everything. the water. he just wants to talk to somebody, but he is surrounded by fake friends who want to use him, people who dont give a shit about him as a person. the sharks. he doesnt have anybody to turn to. so he takes the chance of calling simon.

/this time, i hear simon. "and i heard, that it hurts" it literally echoes simon's "love shouldnt be this difficult" from the season 3 trailer. or maybe even in season 1 where wilhelm completely betrays simons trust and then doesnt understand what he did wrong. its just so heartbreaking for both of them ): especially because simon still loves wilhelm but hes also angry at him. at first, wilhelm didnt want simon to be mad at him because of the drugs, and he wasnt. but now he lied, and their relationship has since changed, and simon is mad at him, rightfully so.

/this one is more direct, "two wrists, two wrist watches. tick-tick-tocking second hands slightly out of time" how many times have watches been brought up or specifically highlighted in just seasons 1 and 2? SO MANY TIMES. (haha get it) we even saw some watches in the season 3 trailer! even boris! "ive had this watch for 40 years and it still works" 40 years is honestly crazy though, what the hell. let me see that watch.

/yet another heartbreaking one, "i requested a room with a view, in the middle of a war between me and you" is literally wilhelm looking at the beautiful lake in season 2 crying because he has completely lost hope for simon and he felt soso alone )): thankfully(...)felice came to rescue him, replacing simon from season 1. parallels am i right?(we did NOT need another kiss between felice and wilhelm. one was enough. or apparently it wasnt i guess)

/and, excuse me, OH MY GODD, i can HEAR wilhelm telling simon: "ill be gloomy til they glue me in the arms of [he] who loves me, til the rats and worms are all interned at least five feet above we" he will not give up on simon until he is sure there is no hope left(which we saw in season 2 until the valentines day ball kiss, also in the previous paragraph). another scene that fits is how wilhelm asked simon to hold him ): and finally, just wille being silly (the rats and worms because rats and worms are inherently silly like come on) reminds me of their 'date' by the water in s1e5, but its also so sweet because he is saying he wants to be together with simon until death. which is really the only thing wilhelm definitely wants(as well as for august to rot in hell, or jail, either works but both would be best, but thats besides this point).

/then simon, "[he] smiled, at a joke" just in general how happy he is when theyre together. this reminds me of the lake 'date' again and how totally in love simon looked whenever he was looking at wilhelm. as well as the laugh at the end of s2e5 after wilhelm closed the curtains, im glad theyre healing and can laugh about that.

/once again, excuse me, THE FOOTBALL REFERENCES(its los campesinos' thing to have a lot of football/soccer references in their lyrics but i dont really know much about football/soccer, i just know the references are there) WITH THE WHOLE FOOTBALL METAPHOR AND HOW FOOTBALL=SOMETHING REAL(from what i remember about the tvmicroscope analysis, read it if you havent it was so amazing and it was just so nice to actually see someone take the time to go through the show and each clip and write everything down, i am not very good at spotting metaphors but i love reading about them). but we have roshs great line, "rowing isnt a sport. football is a sport." very insightful for this entire metaphor. i guess you could say when they were at rosh's football/soccer game for these lyrics, but i think thats a bit boring, sorry. i would also like to note that, because of my non-existent knowledge on football/soccer, i chose not to talk about them in detail because i really dont understand the references in the song. from what i do know and so we are on the same page, the references are "im diving into headers, put this pretty face where the boots are flying in" | "but we connected like a yeboah volley" | and "of missed panenka penalty" as well as the chant at the end of the song, but i will actually talk about that in depth because it isnt very specific. there might be more(probably) but im not 100% sure about them.

/finally, we have the entire ending, "ex-boyfriend, boyfriend, give us a song" repeating. another football reference by los camp! which also fits the young royals narrative. the repetition is used as a chant for football, a play on "give us a wave". firstly, the valentines day ball comes to mind. this scene is showing simon who he really(again football is a real sport, thank you tvmicroscope) loves at the valentines day ball, hence him chasing after and kissing wilhelm. he also previously said he couldnt fall in love with marcus, "it just feels like he likes me for real" and "i just dont understand why i cant fall in love with him" ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD. too bad he didnt take the hint back then. also(unrelated) he couldnt even spell marcus' name right. "Hej Markus" seriously simon? too bad he never sent that text. they could have potentially broken up sooner. and then at the end of the valentines ball when marcus wille is listening to his ex-boyfriend his boyfriend sing a song he wrote about HIM(despite him being unaware of this fact until the next episode). it is such a crucial moment in season 2's whole plotline(and wilhelms sanity). next, this reminds me how he literally fell in love with simon when he was singing for him when he was being welcomed to hillerska. the glance around at erik and august like "are you seeing this shit?" or "are we watching the same thing?" look because of simon is so iconic. and the smile is so sweet. his first gay panic experience. moving on, it reminds me of how they sang the same song together later in this same episode "it takes a fool to remain sane". finally, when wilhelm was PISSED because simon couldnt sing his song at the jubilee(and they broke up yet again) and he asked jan olaf about it. he really wanted to see simon perform that for him ): and for simon to be able to perform his song and be happy. at least wilhelm was able to give his wonderful speech. really i am so proud of him, nobody could have expected this from him, especially at this point. not even simon! "it was a.. um.. a moment i didnt want to share, with anyone else, so i lied about it". he has matured so much in such little time, he didnt even want to give this speech either. he shouldnt have to. his anxiety must have been through the roof and he probably threw up afterwards. and of course the infamous consequences. the only reason the queen talks with her son. at least he has simon with him now to hold him when it gets too much(no more fights season 3 please i beg i cant handle it after season 2, the ending did kind of make up for it all though). i got a little off topic but you get the point. also, i brought each of these different scenes up because the ending specifically repeated this lyric several times, like all of these different moments line up. its literally wilmons song, you cant tell me otherwise.

well, that was a lot. i have been thinking about this for WEEKS. months even. and while i typically wouldnt post something like this, i put soso much thought into writing this. like ive actually put so much thought into this its driving me insane. its literally wilmons song, in my opinion. i also just needed a reason to talk about my favorite song and band and relate it to my favorite show. please listen to the song(or anything by los camp! theyre AMAZING). thats really all i need in life, for more people to hear this masterpiece.

🩷💜 thank you💜🩷

i dont know if i will ever do anything like this again, perhaps. im not sure. i did actually enjoy writing this though. i didnt originally plan on writing anything significant but i got carried away. i was supposed to be drawing more wilmon, i want to finish it before season 3 is officially out but it is just so detailed📚. someone yell at me to finish the drawing PLEASE ! time is ticking but its so fucking DETAILED and TEDIOUS. oh my god theres only a week left WHAT THE FUCKK. anyways i loved this [: very fun!

[if there are any typos or just flat out mistakes, either no there isnt or just let me know, i probably wont fix it but i appreciate it. i also want to say i am aware i am HORRIBLE at staying on topic i just had so many things ive wanted to say]

💜

#Spotify #young royals #yr #wilmon #wilhelm young royals #simon eriksson #los campesinos #los campesinos!#Youtube

8 notes · View notes

sningo-prompts · 2 years

Note

Here’s a little something for ya:

Ingo, wanting to not feel tired, eats a crap load of vitamin B gummies, not know one of its major “upsides.”

Improved hearing.

Cue that plan horribly blowing up in his face (metaphorically and possibly literally).

Sorry this has been in my box for what feels like forever. Im struggling with getting anything of value out of my brain on this lol. I dont have a lot on it but i do have a get key points i had planned for writing the lil snippet. Just couldnt get the motivation to write it so heres those key points

First and most important. Dont eat a lot of gummys ok yall if you do go crazy on them calling poison control is gonna be in your future. OD on vitamin B is gonna make you very sick. Though idk if its the same thing, i think this comes from the fact to Vitamin b12 helped some people with tinnitus? Idk

Ok on to sningo

So Emmet and Ingo always took vitamin gummys because shit i just spilled my fucking lunch they didnt like real pills. I imagine Ingo didnt mind the solid pills but Emmet hated him. So they both switched to gummys.

Ingo has to be sneaky about his which means figuring out how to get up on the counter quietly and figuring out how to open the bottle. Which probably isnt that hard. I mean i can open a pill bottle with my teeth and this is just a over the counter vitamin bottle. Those dont have the child locks. If i can do it he can do it.

Now heres where Ingo fucks up. He takes the amount he used to tame to stay up. Which is like waaayyy to much for his body weight. So normally he would get super sick and yes poison control should be contacted asap but we are gonna ignore most of that for now. I just want to go with hearing +4

Oh they live in the city. The cars dont stop just because its late. Its quite a lot on the regular for Ingo now his hearing has that buff he has to wait out.

So here we are now. In the apartment Emmet typing away and Ingo flinching at every keystroke. Normally Ingo hangs out jn the room with Emmet but tonight somethings off. Emet noticed Ingo isnt sitting quite as close or maybe Emmet noticed Ingo holding his head in his paws. Calling out to him caused hos brother to flinch. But Ingo quickly shakes it off and acts as if hes going to bed. Emmet, much quieter, said he would be along soon.

Ingo still plauged with his too heighten hearing cant get the headache to go away. Every sound sets a stab of pain to his head. He retreats to the closet hoping the extra door and clothing with help muffle the sound. It does a little.

Emmet is sus and when he finds Ingo isnt in bed he calls out. A whimper from the closet. Oh yea be quite. Emmet fletches at the sound the door made since another whimper came in response. Oh Ingo is there huddled up, grasping his ?ear?ears? Idk we gotta talk about that later.

Emmet doesnt know whats going on but he knows its sound related. He goes and closes the curtains, they do sctually help muffle sound I swear, and he closes the bedroom door. The only thing is to wait for it to work its way out of Ingos system after all. Emmet doesnt know much of whats going on just that Ingo is sensitive to sound right now. So he just sits there with Ingo as they wait it out.

Ingo letter tells Emmet what happened to which Emmet scolds him which totally not laughing.

Ok i was watching tv while writing this oneso i kinda lost my train of thought a lot sorry if this makes no sense. I just feel like i have held this ask as long as i can.

#sneasel ingo #transfer error au #sneasel ingo au #liz answers

18 notes · View notes

mattelektras · 3 years

Note

Hey what are your favourite + least fav x men characters and why im curious i love seeing ur thoughts (also, to make it easier hopefully???, i mean specifically X-Men you do not need to include like the 100+ teams connected to them like new mutants or Excalibur etc)

tbh these are just from. everywhere. a lot of my favs are xforce and sub teams. just mutants in general really

least favs

xavier. hes just a dick like. objectively. hes got no business mentoring young kids with the way he went about treating young scott and young jean. also mr i would never invade someone's thoughts without there permission. and then he DID

beast. just kinda boring like. we get it youre smart and patronizing and blue and furry, what else is there. kurt is the only blue man

havok. i dont like. hate him. i just think he should be made fun of more. mr all lives matter avengers stan. bully him more

deadpool because i hate that some people think he’s a mutant n it irritates me idk

brian braddock sorry betsy ur brother is dull as all fuck. he barely has anything to do w mutants as a whole and it’s like why do we even claim him as one when he ran around calling himself captain britain for so long like. cringe, sir braddock

favs:

storm. like objectively i think if anyone doesnt favour ororo in some kind of way then theyre insane. she has a lot of wonder woman isms in that a lot of people see her as this. ethereal above reproach goddess but shes ironically a very human character. like just the little facts that shes into botany and is claustrophobic etc. and the fact that everyone loves her is because shes a good person, not because she’s beautiful or powerful or perfect in anyway. like she’s loved because she’s earned it and she deserves it. she’s a good friend and a GREAT leader without needing to physically be in charge. shes very open and loving and loyal but is also someone u really only get one chance with?? she has a much smaller circle of incredibly close friends than people would think. idk i love that shes allowed to be both kind and flawed AND hugely powerful

domino. ive gone on about how i love neena a lot before so i wont bore u but she is. genuinely one of my favourite characters of all time from anywhere. she has a persona that she puts up but there's so much in her backstory that no one would expect if theyd only read recent domino stuff. like she really shines in her solos more than anywhere else i cant stress that enough

magneto. if i had to like. objectively pick a best character ever i think it would be magneto. i think superhero comics are best when they SAY something. like not to be all We Live In a Society but if youre not making some kind of commentary on the real world with your good vs evil media concept then what are you doing. and we all know the mutant metaphor doesnt hold up like. ever. but its as close as it gets with magneto because his fictional mutanthood is linked w his real jewishness and its never like. a replacement or one or the other. and one fuels his activism in the other? idk im not sure how to phrase it but i think he embodies what being a MUTANT is about, in universe, not what being an xmen is about. hes so REGAL and smart and so powerful just in the way he carries himself, even when he was depowered. they simply do not make characters like magneto other than magneto. and YES the dilfery of it all

kwannon. i love where her story is going and how much attention theyre giving her since the body divorce. just that shes being allowed to be bitter and resentful of betsy about having years of her life stolen. her learning how to be her own self again and what's her own. also i like betsy just fine but my first intro to ~~~psylocke was the betsy/kwannon mash up and like. for ME. with what i like in characters??? pretty much all of what i liked was kwannon's. the assassin stuff, the sword stuff, her brutality and harder attitude. like u all know my taste in female characters and shes IT. and theres a lot of potential in exploring her backstory

wolverine. unfortunately. i love a little weasel man. He Is My Dad. i think he has such a rich variation of relationships with other people whether it be as a rivalry, romance, friendship, parent etc etc. this bitch contains multitudes!!! i think he as a character has so much bought to him by the other characters around him. likes YES he is a grmupy old man who probably hasnt showered today but hes a very loving person despite everything

angel. this might seem like a wild pick for me but. the concept of a rich pretty boy with seemingly everything going for him being turned into this monstrous apocalyptic razor bird with varying self control is SO GOOD TO ME IDK IDK. like hes very gentle and atypical for a male character in a lot of ways and i enjoy that a lot??? just the contrast of it all. i think there should be more horrific pretty boys

monet. forever obsessed wither attitude and her confidence even when so much of her story is wrapped up in people stealing her identity and the betrayal in that and being controlled by others physically w the penance stuff like. shes been through all of that and is STILL probably one of the most sure of themselves characters out there. her yes i AM the shit actually, better than you attitude, not afraid to be a bitch superiority. ladies i think we should all be more like monet as a rule. her powers just being that shes pretty much better than everyone at everything. also shes just funny as fuck

im allowed to say this because shes in x books on the regular now but selene. i think shes so fuckin cool and maybe this is the wannabe goth death witch from my teenage years possessing my body right now but i LOVE an insanely powerful woman. shes like 20000 years old, shes physically incapable of dying, shes the FIRST mutant and has a very rich backstory. shes a great villain but i think now shes more vaguely xmen aligned with the krakoa situation theres huge amounts of potential with her to be on heroic teams as the untrustworthy but begrudgingly helps out kind of addition. with everyone being like. remember that time you resurrected half of us as zombies and traumatised us all for life and she’s just like. god don’t you people ever move on

#q & a #anonymous

6 notes · View notes

hellerism · 3 years

Note

I want an essay on #12)

12. symbolism: tell me about some cool symbolism in spn! your pick

*puts on my english major hat* im about to put more effort into this than anything ive ever written for college. ok top 10 supernatural symbolism...this isnt in any particular order its just whatever i think of first. also it might not be actual top 10 im just remembering random shit. this has gotten out of hand so im putting it under a read more

1. the most obvious one, the impala. many have discussed this before me and im probably just repeating what others have said, but the impala is an extension of deans body/a representation and mirror of both his physical and mental state. obviously the impala gets destroyed in the season 1 finale when dean is dying. and he rebuilds it in season 2, while he is trying to regroup and rebuild from the death of his father. ive seen a post about how dean losing it and smashing the impala is a metaphorical form of self-harm which is :(( also, the impala staying covered and hidden away while dean is living with lisa and ben with this reading is so interesting. i do think dean loved the idea of a normal life with lisa and ben more than the reality (not that i dont think he loved them! any scene with dean and ben makes me soft). but this also makes it that much sadder because supernatural considers dean unable to live a life that doesnt involve hunting; the impala is hidden and dean is a shell of his real self. in season 7, they once again have to hide the impala away and use other cars. the impala is gone and hidden away; something is wrong. dean is hurting. he isnt his full self. why? whats missing during that time? cas. and in season 10, when dean is a demon, he stops caring for the impala. you know, because something is wrong with him. because hes a demon.

2. dean knocking over and breaking the angel statue in the beautiful room. he makes it fall with a single touch, hardly a push. and all it took cas was a single touch for him to fall and break. dean, of course, doesnt mean to shatter cas, though he does mean to make him fall. dean repeatedly argues with cas, acting as the human opposite to cas’ emotionless faith in heaven, pushing him toward the edge, pushing him to rebel, pushing him to choose humanity. and it works; cas learns to love through dean, and through that he rebels against heaven and falls in “every way imaginable.” and when he hits the ground, he breaks, shattering all his faith in god and everything, leading into the godstiel arc as he tries to put his pieces back together.

3. the streetlight as a halo over cas’ head in on the head of a pin. it flickers when anna appears, which is physically meant to show her power. however, it also shows cas’ wavering faith in heaven. interesting how anna, the angel who chose humanity over heaven and decided to fall, is the one making cas’ halo flicker. he is beginning to question things. he is beginning to feel. he is beginning to fall.

4. deans leather jacket in the first few seasons. its not actually dean’s, of course. it belonged to john. dean picks it up and puts it on while he and sam are searching for him, physically shouldering the weight of johns expectations of him. its too big on him. and dean is 26 at that point. hes well past done growing; he’ll never fit perfectly into that jacket. no matter what he does, he’ll never fit perfectly into johns expectations: the perfect son, the perfect soldier. and leather jackets are heavy even if they fit well. there is a physical weight on his shoulders now, a manifestation of the weight of the world and the weight of being a parent for his younger brother and everything john has piled onto dean since he was a child. he eventually stops wearing it (bc some absolute legend stole it irl), and i wish they’d taken that as an opportunity to have dean grow out of the shadow of his father, but supernatural is a bad show so they didnt.

5. mary, who just happens to be named after the mother of jesus. the perfect wife, the loving mother, the tragic figure, the victim, clad in white, the color of innocence. except shes not. she was raised a hunter. shes lived the bloody dark side of the world hidden from most. she loved her children, but she wasnt a perfect wife and mother. she didnt know how to cook. she and john fought, and he even moved out for a few days, and she needed her four-year-old son to comfort her. she is not the virginal mother; shes an imperfect person just trying to do her best. the dabb-era deconstruction of the very concept of mary makes me crazyyyyyyy if you couldnt tell.

6. these shots from 9.14 captives

in the first shot, we have a statue of cupid over cas’ left shoulder and a cross over his right. and in the second shot, there is a bible on the right side of the table, and nothing on the left. and cas turns to the left. he turns away from god, continuously choosing to turn away from stability and what he always knew in favor of love and humanity. there is nothing on the left side of the table precisely because there is nothing certain in cas’ future with humanity, but he chooses them anyway. plus, cas inventing free will by falling in love with dean retroactively makes this shot that much better; there is nothing on the left side of the table precisely because there is nothing written for him. cas falling in love with dean created an empty space in gods story. this show is pure fucking insanity oh my god.

7. serafina the angel (the pantheistic view in that episode makes me crazy but we wont get into that). serafina, whose name is audibly similar to seraph, the class of angel that cas is. coincidentally, the only seraphim we see in the show are cas, who falls in love with dean, and akobel, who married lily sunder. serafina, who fell in love with adam, the literal progenitor of humanity. and who is the character in supernatural that has always stood for humanity as a whole? dean. serafina literally had me convinced that deancas would happen in the finale.

8. the removal of -iel from cas’ name. dear god this one drives me crazy and i doubt it was on purpose. castiel, the shield of god. for eons he existed as a warrior and tool of god. and then along comes dean winchester, who does a very human thing. he gives him a nickname. cas. he removes the “of god” part. he removes god from cas, because dean doesnt value him for being a good soldier or a good son. he values him simply because hes cas. and cas questions everything, his loyalty to heaven, his blind faith that god would one day return. he is no longer a warrior of god. he is simply cas, the shield, and this time he chooses to be a shield for humanity, for the winchesters, for dean. for the michael sword. the shield protects the sword. cas dies shielding dean. this got off topic but its just sooo insane.

9. this shit from 2.13 houses of the holy. i know it was an unplanned coincidence but jesus christ.

10. ...lamp. i know i know but it still boggles my mind. the completely out of place tap dance that they had to spend time and money on to train two actors who had never tap danced before. the lamp being a source of light. divine light. cas. the whole thing being set to the song lets misbehave. WHY LAMP.

#this took me over an hour #are some of these a stretch? maybe. but what is literary analysis other than stretching media way past what the author intended?#ask

51 notes · View notes

iconsumeheadcanons · 4 years

Text

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :((( so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff. joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

#my writing #p3 #p4 #p5 #persona 3 #persona 4 #persona 5 #ren #futaba #souji #hamuko #minato #vibes straight thru the sun #i sincerely hope the read more works #im so srry for grammar problems #i literally cant read rn

81 notes · View notes

dolokhov-is-fierce-and-important · 4 years

Text

Why "Pierre & Andrey" is the most complex and emotionally charged song of the entire musical

When I first heard this song, I didn't think too much of it. But when I watched the scene in a bootleg, I got 𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑠. Once I fully soaked it all in, I was absolutely astounded and obsessed with this one, three minute long scene. Here's why.

Everything that's happened thus far has been leading to this point. It's repeated again and again throughout the musical; ANDREY ISN'T HERE. Malloy makes sure to really drive home how important that detail is as the story progresses. It's the first line we hear in Prologue, and its repeated another TEN TIMES in that song. And while that line itself isnt repeated again after that, it's still painfully obvious.

Natasha is waiting for Andrey to come home so they can be together again. She and Sonya go to Moscow because Andrey isn't here and they have to wait for him. She goes to the ball and meets Anatole because Andrey isn't here to stop Anatole. Pierre goes out drinking with Anatole and Dolokhov, two men he doesn't really like, because Andrey isn't here to occupy his time or stop him, which leads to the duel. Natasha goes to the ball because Andrey isn't here to stop her or keep her busy. Natasha kisses Anatole because Andrey isn't here. Natasha breaks up with Andrey because Andrey isn't here. Anatole attempts to abduct Natasha because Andrey isn't here. Natasha tries to kill herself because Andrey isn't here.

Andrey isn't here, and that one detail is the reason we have this story at all. If Andrey hadn't gone off to the war, Pierre wouldn't be having (as much) of an existential crisis and Natasha wouldn't have had the affair with Anatole. But instead his absence causes a chain of unfortunate events.

And all throughout this, we still don't know exactly 𝑤ℎ𝑜 Andrey even is. We don't get to know him like all the other characters; all we have to go off of is how the characters feel about him.

Natasha is in love with him (for a little while, at least), and she sings an entire song about how deeply she loves him in "No One Else". Marya talks about how great it is the two of them are getting married in "Moscow" and how good it will be for the family. Pierre talks about how much he admires Andrey, his good friend, for fighting in the war in "Letters".

Everyone who talks about Andrey, talks about him in a positive light.

And then, we get to "Pierre & Andrey", and we get to see the 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙 Andrey, and it completely shatters the way we saw him.

When he enters, light fills the room, and he walks through the large door we saw him leave through at the very beginning. All of the cast sits down except for Pierre and Andrey as the light returns to normal. And we're faced with that dawning realization;

Andrey is here.

For the first time, we actually see him fully, we hear his voice. No longer is he the name mentioned time and time again, the looming background force driving the story. No, now he is a tangible and very real character in this plot. And he is appearing right in the midst of all the chaos.

The scene begins with Andrey and Pierre jokingly insulting each other, as bros do, but the mood is far from what the lines suggest. There is obvious tension in both of their voices. They are trying to seem casual to one another, but both of them know it isn't a conversation that they're going to enjoy. No, shit's gone down, and they stand in the rubble face-to-face for the first time and have to deal with the consequences.

Pierre addresses the tension first, and Andrey brushes him off for a moment. Then we get then line.

𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑠 𝑎 𝑤𝑎𝑟 𝑔𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑜𝑛.

Now I could go on for fucking hours about this one, single line because of how powerful it is and what it implies, but I'll try not to take too long.

It's the line we heard again and again in the first song, along with Andrey isn't here, but theres one other key change to it; it doesn't end with "out there, somewhere." And that's the most important part.

By not adding in that ending, it tells us that the war isnt something far away anymore. It isn't something can can just be brushed off or ignored anymore. No, Andrey has seen the war, he's fought in it, he's seen the harsh reality. But he's not only talking about the war between the French and the Russians. Now, theres a new war, the war between the characters.

Similar to Andrey being absent is a looming force in the story, the war is one too, though much more subtle. All of the characters didn't need to pay attention to it; it was something that could be ignored because it didn't affect them. They could stay ignorant to the horrors because of their wealth and turn a blind eye to what has been going on.

But now, the war isn't far away anymore; a new war is here, and it is affecting each and every one of them personally. With his return, Andrey has metaphorically brought the war back with him. It can't be ignored anymore.

After basking in that line for a moment, Andrey gets to business. He asks Pierre if what he had heard about Natasha and Anatole's affair was true, but there is more going on here than just trying to get the information. Firstly, Andrey refers to Natasha not by her name, but by her formal title, "Countess Rostova". This emphasizes how wounded her refusal was and how he is trying to save face by distancing himself from her personally. But another thing, he calls Anatole not by his name, and not even by his title, but instead refers to him as Pierre's brother-in-law. He directly calls out the connection between Pierre and Anatole, and by this we can start to see that Andrey holds a seed of resentment towards Pierre. Pierre is close with Anatole, so Andrey is questioning how something like this could have happened without Pierre's noticing.

Moving on, Andrey gives up the letters that Natasha had sent him, breaking all ties with her and giving them to Pierre to deliver so he wouldn't have to see her. He again refers to her only as "the Countess".

Pierre tells Andrey that Natasha is sick, near death. You can hear the tenderness and worry in his voice, showing how he cares for Natasha. And how does Andrey respond?

"I much regret her illness."

Andrey has to force out the words. He doesn't actually feel bad, and this is shown even more by the next lines; "Pierre: And he smiled like his father / Coldly, maliciously / Andrey: Well, it doesnt matter." Andrey isn't just unbothered by Natasha's illness, he's ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑦 about it. He is happy that after her betrayal Natasha is getting what he feels she deserves.

And this is the point where we really see him. No longer is he this great guy, this heroic figure, this savior. Now we see him for who he is, and it's not a pleasant person. He is compared to his father by Pierre, a vile and abusive old man.

(This similarity is also emphasized in the last line of the song, where the actor slips into his voice for Old Prince Bolkonsky to show how Andrey is becoming like his father. It's also extra emphasized when he walks away and pushes away Mary, instead sitting down in the chair we see Old Prince Bolkonsky sitting in during "The Private and Intimate Life of the House".)

Pierre is confused at this point as his view of Andrey as his hero begins to crumble. He says, "You told me once / A fallen woman should be forgiven." He's frustrated and confused, and you can hear it in his voice. He wants to support his friend but he's starting to realize that his friend isnt who he thought he was. He starts siding with Natasha over Andrey.

"But I didn't say that I could forgive. / I can't." Fuck, this line hurts every time I hear it. This is the point where the carefully constructed image that is Andrey The Good Guy completely dissolves. He is a hypocrite. He preaches about being good and forgiving those who have wronged you, but he himself cannot forgive Natasha for what she has done. She has hurt him and embarrassed him, and he can not forgive her, even if she is on the verge of death.

This isn't only a turning point for our view of Andrey, but for Pierre as well. This is his good friend, best friend, even. This is the man he's thought so highly of and looked up to for the longest time. But now he sees the reality, and he sees Andrey for who he is. His whole mindset built around Andrey and who he is comes crashing down.

But oh ho ho, it gets worse.

"If you wish to be my friend / Never speak of that again."

Andrey gets right up in Pierres face during this part, jabbing him in the chest and looming over him, essentially threatening him. You can see the fear and confusion in Pierre's face, and the way he stumbles back, the way he stares after Andrey long after he's left. Pierre is completely shocked by his behavior because he would have never imagined Andrey to do anything like that. His view has been permanently anc irreversibly shaken, and that's what drives him away from Andrey and to Natasha.

In just three minutes, this scene not only shows us the character that had driven the plot of the musical for the first time, but also manages to shake our foundations of who he is as a person. It changes Pierre's entire view of his hero and friend and drives him to reconsider everything he'd known about Andrey, and turns him against him and to Natasha.

This is the best climax one could hope for in a story, but if you don't pay attention, it could go completely over your head.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk. I'm very sleepy. This took 3 hours to write. Goodnight.

175 notes · View notes

awellboiledicicle · 3 years

Text

Mm.

May have plotted out a fanfic in the hades setting where Lokis more put together children are like "idk I really dont feel like dying and ending the worlds? I mean, I got stuff to do?"

By which I mean Hel. I mean Hel picked up my Oc (Loki ate an elf heart and got pregnant, it happens) and went "Well, havent heard any portents about *you*, but we all got something going on in ragnarock. Let's put you someplace not even fucking Heimdall can find you. Maybe the Norns will just forget"

And just. Pulls a diplomacy with the Underworld bc their spheres TECHNICALLY overlap and the humans dont know about the oc so she just. Goes to Hades.

"I will pay you to watch them"

"With *what*? I hardly need wealth."

"...would you like to avoid your realm being destroyed when my family has an all put apocalypse? At the very least, doing this puts you ahead of any backlog. Because there will be backlog. And you, yourself, may even die if this comes to pass. Not a desired outcome."

And this happens more bc she doesnt want to deal with the upheaval Ragnarock will cause, than concern for her sibling. Sure life will go on, MAYBE, but she would just rather not. Also she'd have to deal with her brothers going wild and making her life harder. She doesnt sort the dead, really, but shes still aware of them squirming around and it's hard to let reincarnation happen when theres no more bloodlines. And the whole ship thing and having to go to war when death is literally the only option is not fun.

So she just rolls up with Osk (the oc) like "I will give you a box that makes gems every morning, and u can make them cry you some gold. Make them fight in your arena. I honestly dont care so long as it shakes out."

Meanwhile, Osk-- who has been just been kinda vibing and keeping low profile in midgard and Helhime-- is just there. Deeply amused by the fact Hades involved paperwork in all this and also theres only one dude corralling these dead. Curious where all the decorative bones came from. Deeply aware that Nyx, who they're supposed to appeal to for favor with the fates, is much close to the full devourer side of their family which is nice but also her keeping things in order feels weird.

Basically Hel wigged out bc Demeter put the planet in deep freeze and while it's not officially fimblewinter, it MIGHT be. And she's good out here, thanks. Osk has no real dog in this hunt past that they also arent crazy about dying.

Osk trying to wriggle around fate ends out with them accepting that if it happens it happens. Befriending people on the way. Racing Zag during security runs bc they get Bored otherwise. Being deeply hype about Asterius bc at this point anything half something humanoid could be their brother so might as well check. Says Cerberus reminds them of their brother.

I'm basically deeply amused by the fact multiple pantheons exist in hades and they most certainly know of one another, even if the mortals dont. Also the mental image of Zag and Osk being "who the fuck knows what we're gods of" pals pleases me. Also the fact that giants in norse mythology are blatant entrooy/chaos metaphor and the fact Chaos is literally present in the game tickles me.

Yes I did put off sleeping to vibrate through pondering. Why? Hmm

#ocs #au idea #tempting fate

6 notes · View notes

teashadephoenix · 4 years

Text

Okay so I tried to finish this yesterday before I crashed for a nap, but I am old and weak so here it is.

Lucifer Season 5A overall thoughts!

SPOILERS!

-i called it. I knew if they opened with Mr Said Out Bitch it was gonna be bc he was dead-- had to be, bc Lucifer was in Hell. Didnt like being right. Thanks for heaping a bunch of character development on a great bit of comic relief just so he can be dead.

-not enough Trixie. What the fuck. Is this a Chandler Riggs situation? Can Scarlett not act or something? Give her stuff to do please.

-EIGHT EPISODES AND NO SINGING LUCIFER???? GODDAMN BLASPHEMY

-i get why people are frustrated with how Maze is written bc it seems like she never does anything but go back and forth but I mean... that's just the writing across the board for this series. Lucifer, Chloe, and Dan have all flipflopped as the seasons progress-- character growth is handled the way real people are, with relapses in bad behavior and having to reiterate lessons more than once. Unusual for television writing, which usually addresses an idea once and then fucks off it forever.

-That said, I enjoyed Maze's arc of dealing with abandonment and seeking a soul. It made sense and was in character-- Lesley played Maze like she felt utterly lost, near madness from frustration, seeking comfort the way she best knows (sex and violence) from the people she loves and not knowing what to do when it wasn't working. I hate that she's so easily manipulated but I feel like it really is bc she wants to feel normal so badly and doesnt realise that normal is relative.

-tangentially, Lilith did not play as big a part as I expected and i was sort of disappointed.

-I wonder if the ring will now be used to pass lilith's immortality to someone who needs it?

-Tom Ellis' performance as Michael was v good as I previously said, but the entire concept of him was nothing inspired. I really had high hopes for him bc I love twins and especially twins who are like the bane of each other's existence but ffs they didn't do anything with it! So he's the polar opposite of his brother, so what! He's a wicked little American hunchback who lies and schemes and plays on people's fears... why? To what end? His plan kept changing and his entire motivation seems to be "bc I'm a dick." Boring. And he dresses like a twat.

-Lucifer was not stuck in Hell for remotely a long enough time. I am an angstwhore and I wanted pining. The same fucking thing happened when they made Dean a demon on SPN-- oh no we've had a decent idea and gotten our hero up the tree, now let's do absolutely nothing with it and get him back down aqap! Fuck off. They gave us this difficult, interesting situation to work with (how can Lucifer have a relationship if he has to run Hell) and then the moment he came up for the tiniest amount of time, Hell apparently no longer needs a warden! Srsly? When only two months ago, all hell was breaking loose???? Fuck your fucking convenient handwave.

-also I am sad they dropped the hinted mental/emotional toll on Lucifer for having to return to Hell Granted the article is a year old, likely discussing ideas that were in the infancy, but I was looking forward to seeing the "alcoholic running a liquor store." Obviously once they decided they were doing Michael-playing-Lucifer and summarily realised nobody would believe Lucifer changed that much, it was easier to just come straight out and say "yea thats not him, thats the evil twin."

-Amenadiel is lovely as ever. Charming, funny, the perfect mix of earnest and awkward. DB Woodside nails him and I love him. I love his friendships with Dan and Maze, the big brother instinct he gets with Luci and Chloe. He's a big black dude whose primary role is caretaker and I am here for it.

-Nice to see happy funny Dan back after taking a bereavement sabbatical in s4. I like Kevin Alejandro's performance a lot and so I dont like when Dan's being a dickhead bc it makes me wanna smack him. Loved him reading Diablo scenes w Luci-- reminded me of s2 when they were dorking out about the Weaponizer movies. And the cemetery scene, wow. Dan realising Heaven and Hell are real and that he is in danger of damnation and how bad that scares him-- ow my heart. That having been said...

-I didnt really like characters having these massive bombshells dropped on them just bc Michael is a douche-- that's so lazy. It felt like the writers ticking off checkboxes. Okay so he tells Chloe she's a miracle. That's fine I guess-- there are stakes there. We know it's going to rock her world bc we know how much it damaged Lucifer when he found out. But then he orchestrates Dan finding out and apart from the shock factor... who cares? It matters after, but not before. There was no set-up for that punchline. We knew when Linda pushed Lucifer to "drop the metaphor" that it was going to be a biblical shock for her. We knew what a relief it was going to be for Charlotte, who thought she was losing her mind, to learn that Hell was real and she could change her fate. We knew it was a gamechanger when Chloe found out. And that's why Dan gets the fuck over it super fast, bc it doesn't matter. It was just a box to be checked. Boo.

-it was nice getting to see Tricia Helfer bc I adore that woman but i really do hope that we get to see Charlotte properly again. Take me to the silver city already i am sick of not knowing what it looks like.

-i love Linda to bits. She's funny, she's heartwarming, she's the owner of the single braincell and she and Ella occasionally share it while they watch the others try to bite their own elbows.

6/10

s4 > s2 > s5A = s1 = s3

#lucifer s5 spoilers #lucifer s5 #lucifer spoilers #lucifer #season breakdown

17 notes · View notes

histeetharenotsoft · 4 years

Text

honestly i have no idea how i’m supposed to make it to ep 165

because 162 killed me, like 3 times

spoilers below the cut!

ITS GERRY!!!!!! MR KEAY I MISS YOU

but this is the first time we’ve actually Heard him, not secondhand or with spooky ghost echo, just as a normal voice on a tape. and i just want to hug him so much because ohhhh boy he has no idea what’s going to happen and also i am love him

“do i get to hear them?” “perhaps. if you live long enough.” shut up gertrude shut the fuck up don’t just mention gerry dying so casually its Rude

hmmm i might write a fic where jon, sasha and gerry are somehow all the archivist because I Can Do What I Want

ooo here we have more fire in the archives foreshadowing

did. did gerry’s chair scrape when gertrude raised her voice. like he flinched. someone hug this man

and then his voice goes all quiet when gertrude is lecturing him and Mary Keay Can Catch These Hands

“you are occasionally useful despite your foolishness” wowwww gertrude. what glowing praise. don’t just say that to his face come onnnn

but “useful” though. “useful”. i know we already know gertrude is an ‘ends justify means’ type character but goddamn if that isn’t just a perfect description of her relationships with people: categorised by their use to her plans and nothing more

“the network of sinister tunnels that snake beneath the archive” gertrude definitely knows about the tunnels lets be real. she’s just protecting jurgen leitner stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner goddamn fool book collecting dust eating rat old bastard shithead idiot avatar of the whore

what i wouldn’t give for gerry to have canonically beaten up jurgen leitner more than once. that’s going in my triple archivist fic

“what happens if we fail” oh. oh no. oh no whats gertrude going to say

“i suspect death puts us beyond their power” hmmm. seems like a fair point but i feel like the end would come up with some fuckery because this universe is a bastard and doesn’t let anyone get the rest they deserve. this isn’t really important to the plot (at least I Hope Not) but the thought of eldritch fear gods being able to reach us after death... chills

“[actual death] is preferable to lingering in a world they control” oh no that’s not good for jon to hear

“they might even stop death entirely.” hmmm. HMMMMMM

“and taxes?” “taxes i imagine will continue” hell yeah jonny get his ass (’him’ being capitalism). also i know the coronavirus lockdown isnt exactly an apocalypse caused by eldritch fear gods forcing themselves through into our world, but considering the shit thats been going on? yeah i imagine taxes would continue

“could it be undone?” “no, i don’t think so” oh no. oh no jon. jon nooo. he’s just playing it over and over and god he must be feeling so guilty and helpless. he also gets a hug. and another. and then three more. then one more but it lasts for like an hour before i have to phase back into my own dimension

TIM AND SASHA i’m still not prepared to hear their voices i love they

sasha is so competent she’s incredible and i am in awe of her

hell yeah tim is drinking his respect woman juice

“jimmy magma. joany magnum? jack magnet” asjdfhakjfhakjhfk tim you’re the best

“what if we kill him” Fuck Off Jonny You Can’t Do That

SADHJA WAS GOIJNG YO QUIKT I AM SJDFHKJLASLKFDJGKSDJHF

holy fuck we got canon timsasha. also “you’re not the love interest”??? sasha was a lesbian. source: me, also a lesbian. who can Do What She Wants

“you might be the character they drop after the pilot” sasha no dont say that!!!! as the character who was dropped after the pilot (ok season not episode but still) i have determined that is Illegal. and yes i know sasha was killed off for entirely valid reasons and not just dropped but shhhh i am hurting

“i dont have anything keeping me here” oh sasha. oh you sweet summer child. i wish that was the case. i really do

oh hey sasha knew about tim’s brother? martin told tim about his CV? THE S1 ARCHIVE STAFF WERE FRIENDS AND I MISS THEM A LOT BECAUSE GODDAMMIT THE S3/4 STAFF DIDN’T FOUND-FAMILY LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO

“no such thing as the real you”? “it’s all just masks”??? jonny stop stop im already dead you dont need to kill me again

(god i fucking hate that i get the stanislavsky bit. i only did drama gcse but the exam was terrible because none of the exam board’s practice questions were even anywhere close so no one was prepared and i spent so long revising all these pointless notes on how to answer the difficult questions and i regret it So Much and any reminder of that fucking bullshit exam i had to do Fills Me With Rage

“if you get eaten alive by improperly filed statements, me and martin will avenge you... we’ll burn this place to the ground.” god i am in pain. not only do we have more archives arson foreshadowing but we also have this line that hits like a punch in the gut because they didn’t avenge sasha, did they?

“i find it highly unlikely this sasha ever even existed at all” “i’m unforgettable” shut up shut the fuck up is this allowed? IS THIS ALLOWED???? because it fucking shouldnt be. it’s murder jonny time lads!!!

is. is jon crying. oh no

and then he gets fucking posessed by the cabin?? i love how the format of the statements has changed its very interesting

The One You Love The One You Love The One You Love

jonmartin are so in love that even eldritch fear cabins can’t not see it. jonny really said “you can read their relationship as platonic... but i am going to do my goddamn best to make that hard for you” huh

and fuck, this statement. it’s so creepy and i love how we cant distinguish which entity it is, because does it even matter any more? the list of 14 was a human creation anywhere, i think the ‘different parts of a body’ metaphor l*itner used is makes more sense now. it doesn’t matter which part of the body is attacking you, it matters that you’re being attacked in the first place so figuring out which part it is isn’t really a priority any more

but i think it’s mostly stranger and spiral? i also get very vague corruption vibes from the description of the planks because “they are warmer, softer and more yielding than the timber they present”? ugghhhh. corruption has often been associated with this kind of ‘wrong’ warmth (think jon amherst) and it also brings to mind that episode where the guy nails meat all over his walls and the rot makes the statement giver’s ceiling collapse. but then there’s the lonely there too, because yes jonmartin have each other but jon says it himself: “it will not let you feel the warmth of joy this love may claim to gift”. just try tell me the concept of being unable to find happiness in love isn’t Lonely, even if it’s not entirely true

but yeah basically i love the merging of entities present in this creepy statement

“our tomb” huh. the pov changes here, it’s gone from talking about jon in second person, to talking as jon in first person. so if jon wasn’t possessed by SpOoKy CaBiN like i thought (because if he was, why would he suddenly switch like this? it doesnt make sense)... then what was making that statement? my instinct is to say it was The Archivist or rather, The Archives talking about jon but like a separate personality, which... yikes

“[this will be] my chrysalis. it is time that i emerge.” monster jon? monster jon. this line gave me chills because damnnnn i love me some good eldritch!jon

“i wanted to leave and hunt down elias” hell yeah jon go and brutal pipe murder that bastard its what you deserve

martin has packed bags already and he brought tea and i love him so muchhhhh

and jon’s smile is AUDIBLE he loves martin so much my tiny heart can’t handle it

“we got this.” “apparently so 😍 “ just tell me you can’t hear the heart eyes in jon’s voice. oh wait. you cant

LET MARTIN BURN SOMETHING ITS WHAT HE DESERVES

“we can’t fight the world, martin” “says you” afkjhasfkjhadkjghdakjghakdgf

to summarise:

get ready for me to type out the same summary for all 40 episodes because jesus fucking christ. jonny’s writing never fails to make me Feel All The Emotions at once. i give this one a spooky sentient cabin out of 10

#tma s5 #tma episode 162 #tma spoilers #my s5 rambles

10 notes · View notes

occultruby · 5 years

Photo

i did this a while ago but heres my imscared white face gender transing theory diagram. putting explanation under the cut for... courtesy? the amount ive thought about this is kind of embarrassing

ok first off i think wf is genderless because its not human or even corporeal, its just a terrible little computer curse. if anything i honestly think its more aligned with the feminine. idk its weird to me that most people gender wf as a man when ivan zanotti (hello sir if youre reading this im sorry) at least from the perspective of an english speaker, has pretty much done everything to avoid gendering wf at all (only ever having used “it” pronouns for wf! hello!), besides the only other appearances of humanoid forms (also wf) being coded as women/images of womanhood/concept of womanhood/whatever

down to business. maybe it isnt as specific as this but a potential idea is the entity being made and intended to be female or at least read as female. since it clearly is sentient and keeping in line with the knowledge that wf is not human and isnt the ghost of the deceased, i dont think its hard to believe wf would not only not understand gender, but also feel constrained by it. if the question is “why would it give a shit” my answer is 1. throughout the game its pretty clear that wf doesnt like being constrained, literally or metaphorically and 2. the same reason any actual person would feel trapped and uncomfortable with their assigned gender or any gender. it comes with expectations for how you should act, look, talk, where you should go, and what you should do there.

the sketch labeled “original” isnt really literal, more of an idea of “someone made a computer virus and its a girl i guess”. HER i think is what white face perceives itself to be, and therefore becomes, as its world is essentially made of its own imagination

everything about HER screams “caricature of womanhood” just straight up This Is How Dysphoria Makes You Think You Look. her huge [REDACTED] and hips/thighs, cinched waist, exaggerated limp wrist, and absurdly long hair. her name is literally “HER”. HER is white faces experience of feeling “this is all i am”, an embodiment of unwanted expectations.

what in general we know to be “white face” is the same entity, named for its appearance as a floating head. i read this as wf hiding its body (something that could be done by editing its own code to make it invisible) but i visually represent it as a black cloak. i also thought a neat but kind of odd idea would be wrapping itself up in its own long dark hair?

on the events of the game. the important part lies in the transition from the first part into BURY HER, in which wf changes into HER, making its body visible and adopting somewhat different behaviors (which seem to communicate a more depressed demeanor and an instinct to self isolate/hide). wf if pretty clear with the player that it makes this change to keep the players interest. personally i have known other trans people who, despite knowing they were trans and going through some levels of social transition, will go back to performing their assigned gender in an attempt to please someone whose approval they desire. and like in real life, wfs practice isnt sustainable. wfs monologue before shooting HER has SO much to dig into. of course it established that it made this change for You. but then, the rain turns to blood as it bitterly remarks that it hates what it became (knowing that wf feels like the mask of HER takes the players interest away from itself, meaning that even if HER and wf are the same entity, wf does not identify as HER. in the end its just an act to impress you). the part that gets me the most about the grave level is that she specifically tells You to “bury [HER] in front of [HER] birthplace”. she was already dead and buried. wf dug her up for You. even though You are the one playing the game, wf is the one seen with the gun. in the end, it was about wf once again burying this past version of itself that it cannot stand any longer.

i dont think it hits as hard as the main events of BURY HER, but im going to come back around to the concept of all figures in the game being coded as women. in the labyrinth we see the various portions of womens bodies (which some people use to theorize that wf is a serial killer but this is nothing to me because. it wasnt a human person lol) that lead into/are portals to a “dark world” (the whole thing with having to reconstruct shards of a broken mirror also kind of screams dysphoria, the whole dress thing! idek how to put this into words im just feeling it), the portrait of a girl in the house (maybe an “original vision” for what wf was intended to be? wfs one source for what a “woman” is?). you could argue that the weird little things with the long arms when youre trying to break the gramophones arent female but 1. literally whatever and 2. theyre essentially extensions of HER made to be mini jumpscares and 3. i think they parallel the “you shouldnt be here” area where HER is seen hanging from the sky by weird distended limbs.

we know wf is entirely unreliable and likely s completely lying on occasion. but i think lies, especially in a game like this, can be dissected to discover something truthful in the narrative. something so specific is the story wf tells about having a brother that it had horrible thoughts about getting hurt in an appliance store, only to reveal that it never had a brother. this is in one of the more vulnerable text files in the game. im gonna go on a limb here and say the story isnt literal, but also does hold significance. no one is reading at this point and its 2:30 so im going to word this more abstractly because thinking is getting harder and i have a 9am class. brother/not real brother is about an imagined person, who wf wants to be or how it perceives itself to be. like it is metaphorically the brother that it doesnt have because it WANTS to be that. honestly if you wanted to you could argue this point works towards the idea that wf is a trans man because of the idea that it wants to be a man but doesnt perceive itself to be a real man so it tells the story of a brother it does/doesnt/is/isnt/wants to be. the whole thing about being injured in the appliance store probably means something about the fragility of the concept or identity or whateverless complicated idea came to me like two paragraphs ago. and its that imscared is about coping with the loss of a sibling by trying to recreate their identity as a program but that its inherently impossible (program saying “i never had a brother” because the brother MADE u to be his sibling but you ARENT because you are just a little game file) but like i got too invested in white face transgender ANYWAYS SO IMSCARED IS OFFICIALLY ABOUT GENDER DYSPHORIAAAAAAA

#imscared #imscared a pixelated nightmare #six will do #bury her #sketch

78 notes · View notes

mama-germany · 4 years

Text

Submission: {IIRC, submission format is bad. This is feminists-against-feminism, hopefully unedited by Mama Germany :^), and ill end my submission with “/submission”, and the rest, if anything, is mama-germany. Also, hopefully the paragraph breaks take, and if they dont…. welp…}

Imma be real with u chief, I dunno what you want me to do with this. I’m a Jew. I don’t like communism. I don’t actually live in Germany. And I’m not reading all this. Idk.

Karl Marx’s “On: The Jewish Question” seems a prototype for conflict theory, but has ‘the real jew’ as the 'Haves’ the in place of the 'bourgeois/rich/capitalist’ 'oppressor class’. Conflict theory, icydk, is the collectivist egalitarian pseudoscientific theoretical paradigm taught in sociology, underpinning essentially the whole social justice perspective, and directly encompassing marxist theory, feminist theory, critical race theory, critical theory, gender schema theory (and likely influenced John Money’s gender theory, and builds on gender theory), queer theory, gender critical theory, postmodern theory, lysenkoism (mostly abandoned), standpoint theory, post colonial theory, animal liberationism, and of course, intersedtional theory which synthesizes them all together wherever they can be synthesized. Marx said the nature of jews is huckstery, he said the real lofe manifestationnof the god of israel is money itself, he said eliminating money would render the jew an equal and normal person. His whole theory, and every conflict theory since, relies on the presupposition the indovodual is irrelevant and what matters is only the aggregate disparities between groups. This turns his theoey ultimately against all boundaries of the individual, their private property and necessarily their innate natural self ownership, their right to self ddetermination. Marx viewed liberalism/individualism as egoism. His whole family was actually jewish, IIRC, he just didnt succeed like they did, he was jealous and a mooch, kind of a beta, likely an aspie if i am to go off the symptomology. He hated them, he was jealous, he wanted success and they had it and he didnt, and so he was basically spot-on like the character Cain from hebrew legend.

Martin Luther. He wrote “On The Jews and Their Lies”. He described jews as piglets suckling from their mother pig, israel, and blamed jews for pretty much everything he viewed as wrong in society. He was basically the predocessor to Hitler and Marx. And one might actually say Marx was an additional predocessor to Hitler. I sure would posot that as likely, even if by proxy of Hitler being influenced by left socialists. I mean, he literally modified the marxist “'class struggle” into his own version of “the struggle”, “MY Struggle/Mein Kampf”. Which brings us to out next german collectivist philosopher. If youre picking up the theme im putting down.

Third subject, Hitler. Self explanatory. Jew-hating anti-egalitarian ethno socialist. Obviously fits in with the last two subject entries. BTW,I have a larger point to all this random pattern listing. One more.

Slightly diverging from hatred of jews, and more toward the begining of postmodernist thought, Max Horkheimer who said freedom and justice are incompatible opposites, and argued everything are oppressive social constructs, every letter and word and phrase and interaction. He said there is no way to know what a just society is, but that we can complain and struggle against the things we dont like and dont find just. And so if you also consider he in the same sitting said freedom and justice are opposites, and this was while summarizing his academic ideas to an interviewer, we can deduce he was directly opposed to freedom, despite considering himself anti-authoritarian…. Anyways, he was bonkers, hope you dont live near Frankfurt, theyre bonkers around them parts, and i know someone who has told me firsthand just how horkheimer style bonkers that town is.

{Honorary mentions. The Kaiser Friedrich Wilhelm Viktor Albert. Although there was clearly nuance here, Prussia WAS part of the German Empire, but the german youth injunction/sinker was still set in him, to which collectivism was his driver/floatation. He was a nationalist and refused advisors compelling him into an anti-left policy. Honorary mention 2. Antifasciste Aktion, the communist vanguard formed by the german communist party, the KPD, formed to forght fire with fire, using brownshirt tactics against the brownshirts (to whom they lost).}

All four, all German. All of them. 5 if we include the Kaiser. The father of protestantism, the father of communism, the left reformer whos students sparked the “New Left” movement, and Hitler, HITLER. ALL GERMAN. Which is not an implicit racial claim im implying, but one about a sour philosophy. I refer to this as German Collectivism. It is the archetype if collectivism which germany seems particularly possessed by. These have ravaged the whole world, toppled entire nations and enslaved likely over two billion people considering just the PRC, USSR, and Nazi Germany esp with its labir camps. Luther could be viewed as the origin, certainly the origin of modern german collectivism (protestantism & lutherean conspiracy theory, left socialism, and nazism), but the purpose of germany has not changed through any of its past or present phases. It’s purpose seems to be unintentionally destroying itself in the process of intentionally trying to destroy the rest of Europe in attempt to conquer Europe and/or the world. Maybe it came from its clash with Rome, and it never left that modality of picking away at its neighbors. Perhaps its influence from the abrahamic faiths it long traded with, maybe that caused the sort of over-populate-and-make-conquest-youth-army kind of societal reproductive modality, by influence of the abrahamic faiths that did that in the middle east for millennia (with obvious great success, whereas Germany fails at the same niche). Maybe it’s because of their empire-orientation, their pre-lutherean state where they were catholic, and so the culture, thinkers and leaders became oriented toward empire. I dont know. But i do know Hitler, the Kaiser, and Marx were all three alienated children who were very disturbed, and assume Horkheimer and Martin Luther were of similar origins, it seems the common theme among these german influences. Disturbed children make for great communists, and germany has long been riddled with communists. Communists & new left communists like intersectionalists have been frequently compared to a religion, and germany was previously, according to Neitzsche who overtly shared my distain for German philosophy (to my surprise, i love him even more now), he said it seemed to him 4/5 people in germany were part of protestant clergy. The whole state seems in an unending modality if one total hegemonic culthood after another.

The purpose for german collectivism being so consistently against jews, i assume. It is that jews are very successful on average by comparison to every other category in the west. So theyre integral to the structure of society, particularly around power. So to do the sort of semetic strategy, the strategy of Mohammad and Moses, the strategy of just toppling societies and inheriting the remains, in the west, one must (perhaps in a sidenote of historical irony) go through the jews. If they want to make their collectivist totalitarian ideology dominate, they have to go full cain, and stab their brothers - the jews. And just as stabbing Abel didnt wirk well for Cain, obviously taking out the most success oriented demographic (OF WHICH THERE ARE TWO) in your country is not going to work well for Germany. The other the German Collectivist opposes is the individualist - the English liberal, the stoic, the empiricist, the existentialist, the naturalist, the skeptic, these sorts. These sorts of ideas bring success, and so the authoritarian german collectivist requires their demise as well. The Kaiser hated types like us, the Fuhror hated types like us, marx hated types like us, Horkheimer, and Luther to a clear extent.

i should mention, im not a supernaturalist, the supernatural is all metaphor taken as superstition, im woth Neitszche. Theres certainly no supernatural, and race is a politically meaningless concept to me. But what is contained within the borders of germany…. There seems to be an eccentric kook persona, as a sort of cultural clone prevalent in germany, parallel to the American redneck or hillbilly. Theyre not all terrible people, but theyre often super fucked up like longislanders are in NY, or hillbillies from appalachia, or rednecks from alabama. Or just extremely eccentric like a german lady i knew IRL or Joerge Sprave, or oh my god, Max Horkheimer the kook. And it doesnt miss the city, theyre like that, but converted to progressive ideology. Crazy brutes from yesteryear, mostly tamed, or stubby and eccentric out the wazoo, or tall frail and vegan and metro af. And it’s not limited to the old german. Einstein, (not shitting in einstein, not calling him collectivist, but) absolute weirdo jewish german, Horkheimer, absolute nut job, jewish german, Marx, jewish family, the only correlation is they lived in Germany, like Hitler, the SS, and the kaiser. Even the nations east of them who share similar culture, look at Freud, absolutely a german collectivist type, but from Austria, which today is apparently an ethno national socialist state in all but admission. Prussia influenced the Kaiser’s collectivism. Even people i know from america who have all german ancestry and only third gen american, theyre bonkers, like ICP & Twisted clown-rap omega bonkers, and believe in shit like vampires and wicca and werewolf “lychen”. Oh, and i forgot to mention in summarizing Hitler, his wackjob supernaturalist beliefs. What is that? Why is this so normal there for so long and nowhere else for so long? It seems to spread from there more than anywhere else.

It has to be cultural, and deep seeded. It can be changed, and it needs to be. A german lady mutual of mine sees it and is clearly very weighted by it; i was hindered by it drastically, and i live in America. The nihilism, the self hatred, the narcissism, the psychopathy, the selective empathy (ie, selective psychopathy), the tribalism, the scapegoating. You live in germany, you must see it. You dont seem to like sj or right socialism. You seem closer to an individualist. A westerner despite Germany.

Would you consider it a real phenomenon? 'German Collectivism’? A label for describing the seeming german modality of collectivist government and the german philosophical origin of the majority of world’s largest, most wide spread, and deadly collectivist movements? Particularly today regarding the medium of marxian/intersectional conflict theory ideology? I can easily empirically trace intersectionalism and the french fake-gobbldigook-espousing 'intellectuals’ Peterson points at, back to the ideas of Marx (a german). What are your thoughts on it? What caused it? Why is it so historically persistent to this day? It’s still trying to domineer and control Europe via the proxy of the EU. And what the hell is wrong with so many (#notall) German children?! Or, likely, should i moreso be asking about ***the (#notall) parents***? But today, those parents were raised by nazis, or people raised by nazis. (#notall) but those nazis were raised by communists and imperialists, and those imperialists and communists were raised by communists and lutherean protestants, and those communists and lutherean protestants were raised by more protestants, and then catholics before them, and tribalist pagans before them. The hegemony is just unending waves of wacky who begat waves of wacky. Id like to see the origin of this crap fixed, see germany liberalized, just to show german collectivism undone SOMEWHERE it has been established for once, and in Germany itself no less. My first thought is just end the EU.

Is it real? What’s the cause? How do we undo it?

1 note · View note

gojngdown · 5 years

Text

why every tøp song is for the gays

there’s at least one reason for each tøp song as to why it’s for the gays. so please enjoy. if i missed anything please feel free to add it in. written by a disaster nb lesbian.

SELF-TITLED

implicit demand for proof: the first time i heard this song, i was in world history class. we were learning about ancient greece at the time. ancient greece is literally the gayest place on the planet. implicit demand for proof is for the gays.

fall away: the backing vocals of “la da da da da” are just . it’s Gay. fall away is for the gays. also there’s that one live video of fall away with an epic trumpet solo and i watch it religiously and i’m gay. fall away is for the gays.

the pantaloon: i am too lazy to draw it out but the rhythm of this song is roughly the same as “mama” by my chemical romance. if mcr isn’t for the gays, i don’t know what is. the pantaloon is for the gays.

addict with a pen: this is my crush’s favorite song. addict with a pen is for the gays.

friend, please: this song is so meaningful and powerful, just like gay rights. friend, please is for the gays.

march to the sea: this song mentions spaceships. space is gay. march to the sea is for the gays.

johnny boy: simply because it is a Huge Bop that also has really relatable lyrics, johnny boy is for the gays.

oh, ms. believer: one of the prettiest songs tøp has ever wrote. you know who else is pretty? GIRLS. oh, ms. believer is for the gays. snow is also super cool just like gay rights. oh, ms. believer is for the gays.

air catcher: this song flows with passion, just like me when i see any girl ever. air catcher is for the gays.

trapdoor: “everyone gather around for a show.” show = theater. theater is gay. trapdoor is for the gays.

a car, a torch, a death: again this is one of the prettiest songs tøp has ever wrote. and who else is pretty? GIRLS. a car, a torch, a death is for the gays.

taxi cab: the live performance of this song absolutely knocks everyone off of their feet. this is also one of the safest songs on the planet. it’s also my favorite song off of self titled and i’m gay. taxi cab is for the gays.

before you start your day: “put on the glitter that your soul hides behind” can be alluded to closeted gay/trans kids having to hide who they are because they’re closeted. before you start your day is for the gays.

isle of flightless birds: “we put our worth in giving birth and stuff” single-handedly, this line makes the whole song for the gays. we put our worth in heterosexual intercourse when the most important thing is to be gay and do crimes. isle of flightless birds is for the gays.

REGIONAL AT BEST

(i did the songs on rab that are not on vessel!)

slowtown: “i put my socks on my feet.” a beautiful, meaningful line. also a very very gay line slowtown is for the gays. also this song mentions pokemon and pokemon is for the gays. slowtown is for the gays.

forest: the whole chorus is just,,, it’s so gay. like bringin all ur friends out and just singing songs in the middle of a forest there’s no heterosexual explanation for that. forest is for the gays.

kitchen sink: this is @serainechor’s favorite song and sera is a LGBTQ+ ICON. kitchen sink is for the gays.

lovely: the ending. that’s just. it’s. words fail. lovely is for the gays.

anathema: the whole last rap part is from no phun intended, aka For The Gays. anathema is for the gays. also it’s the song playing during that one scene from dreamers at best by @vialism u all know that scene yep. anathema is for the gays.

ruby: “UR AN ANGELLLLLLLLLL”- me @ girls. ruby is for the gays.

be concerned: “where’d you go, HUUUUUUH?” that line is so gay like u hear it and u just Know. be concerned is for the gays.

clear: so many good puns and misheard lyrics can be made out of this song, and we all know memes are for the gays. clear is for the gays.

VESSEL

ode to sleep: literally half of this song is from npi which as we all know is a Gay Album. ode to sleep is for the gays. also this song practically SCREAMS be gay do crimes. ode to sleep is for the gays.

holding on to you: tyler held up a gay pride flag during the live version of this song. holding on to you is for the gays.

migraine: AMM I THE OOOOONLY ONE I KNOOOOOOOW that’s gay that’s so amazing and Gay Culture also i listened to this on repeat on the way back from a band field trip and band field trips are gay. migraine is for the gays.

house of gold: this is the first ukulele song tøp ever released. it’s common knowledge that playing the ukulele is gay culture. house of gold is for the gays.

car radio: just the fact that tyler screams half of this song makes it for the gays. also during the alter ego festival, tyler said “peace” after this song which is gay. car radio is for the gays. also josh takes off the mask at the same time as tyler but no one notices and that’s also very meaningful just like gay rights. car radio is for the gays. tyler illegally climbs a lot during this song and once he literally built his own tower which is chaotic and gay. car radio is for the gays.

semi-automatic: hope is ur friend!! that is very gay and very powerful also keep telling me those sun metaphors those are extremely gay. semi-automatic is for the gays.

screen: another uke song. ukes are for the gays. screen is for the gays. “excuse us while we sing to the sky” is a Gay Line. screen is for the gays.

the run and go: DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO thats just the grandest gayest lil tune what a Bop also tyler called josh baby on stage during this song “oh hello josh! hello josh”. the run and go is for the gays.

fake you out: this song is very sad and very real- just like me. i’m gay. fake you out is for the gays. “i have committed dirty crimes” HEY BE GAY DO CRIMES. fake you out is for the gays.

guns for hands: turn ur guns into a fist. rise against the homophobes who spread hate. guns for hands said gay rights. guns for hands is for the gays.

trees: the live performance of this is everything and is enough of a reason as to why it’s for the gays. trees is for the gays.

truce: a meaningful yet simple song about staying alive. fantastic as Fuck. it’s also in the key of G aka the best key ! truce is for the gays.

BLURRYFACE

heavydirtysoul: THERES AN INFESTATION IN MY MINDSIMAGINJDHDJDNDBSJBBSBM. heavydirtysoul is for the gays. also the drum tabs are chaotic just like the gays. heavydirtysoul is for the gays.

stressed out: this is the tøp song that so many people heard first. as we all know, the clique is very very gay. stressed out is for the gays.

ride: once again, a song that a lot of people heard first. and the clique is like, SUPER FUCKING GAY. ride is for the gays. during alter ego fest, tyler said during this song “save the best for first” aka the most chaotic and gayass thing i’ve ever seen. ride is for the gays.

fairly local: the contradiction between the first and second verse is gay. fairly local is for the gays. also YEEEEEEEEEEAH is gay. fairly local is absolutely for the gays.

tear in my heart: this song is about jenna. tear in my heart is for the gays. it’s also the first tøp song i ever heard and i’m a gay icon. tear in my heart is for the gays.

lane boy: the riff on this boi. i mean Wow. lane boy is for the gays. “will they be alive tomorrow” he’s talking bout the straights that shit on the awesome lgbtq+ community i don’t make the rules. lane boy is for the gays.

the judge: i listened to this song on repeat when i first got my gay haircut. the judge is for the gays. tyler did a mashup of this and holding on to you (quite obviously for the gays, of course.) on the ukulele (a gay instrument.) the judge is for the gays. the simple act of screaming “JOSH DUN!” is gay culture. the judge is for the gays.

doubt: “don’t forget about me” me @ my crush. doubt is for the gays. no to be completely serious i interpret this song as a message to god and i feel like a lot of lgbtq+ ppl can relate to that sort of interpretation. doubt is for the the gays.

polarize: this is @poisonous-vibrations’s favorite tøp songs. ty is a LGBTQ+ ICON AS WELL. polarize is for the gays.

we don’t believe what’s on tv: tyler once dedicated this to josh. wdbwotv is for the gays. it’s also a ukulele song and the uke is a gay instrument! wdbwotv is for the gays. “YEAH YEAH YEAH” is gay. wdbwotv is for the gays. this is my brother’s favorite tøp song and my brother is a gay icon. wdbwotv is for the gays.

message man: this song just slaps u in the face and screams GAY RIGHTS. message man is for the gays. also the sleepers version of this is on the ukulele a gay instrument. message man is for the gays.

hometown: THE SLEEPERS VERSION OF HOMETOWN WAS MADE FOR THE GAYS I DONT MAKE THE RULES. hometown is for the gays.

not today: the brassline in this is absolutely gay. not today is for the gays. JUST BECAUSE I PLAY THE PIANO DOESNT MEAN IM NOT WILLING TO TAKE U DOWN im sorry. that’s the gayest and most chaotic thing i’ve ever seen Hello???? not today is for the gays.

goner: tyler screaming is gay culture and he screams a lot during this song. goner is for the gays. “i wanna be known by you” me @ my crush. goner is for the gays. to be serious this song is so meaningful and powerful and raw and i love it so much. goner is for the gays.

TRENCH

(there isn’t a yellow this is home of phobia)

jumpsuit: tyler screams in this one too and that’s gay culture. jumpsuit is for the gays. i feel like anyone who joined this fandom before july remembers exactly when and where they were when this came out. and of course, the clique is very gay. jumpsuit is for the gays. also throwing yellow flowers on ppls head is gay culture. jumpsuit is for the gays.

levitate: tyler fuckin rapping a mile a minute non stop is the epitome of gay culture! levitate is for the gays. also vultures = clifford. clifford is a gay icon. levitate is for the gays.

morph: every line of this song is gay! i don’t make the rules. morph is for the gays. (gorph is for the mays) the simple act of morphing to someone else is a metaphor a lot of gay/trans kids can relate to. morph is for the gays. “not done not done not done josh dun” is the gayest thing ive seen in a while. morph is for the gays.

my blood: this one is all about family and friends. a lot of lgbtq+ people have a chosen family, and i feel like my blood emulates not only family by blood but your chosen family as well. my blood is for the gays.

chlorine: ned is a gay icon. chlorine is for the gays. the arpeggio in the second chorus is gay culutre. chlorine is for the gays. red carnations were used by the gays to tell other gays they were gay. chlorine is for the gays. josh wearing a bucket hat is my aesthetic and i am gay. chlorine is for the gays.

smithereens: this song is about jenna. smithereens is for the gays.

neon gravestones: neon has a very important message. 100% for the gays. also it’s a very pretty song and i know ive said this twice already but who else is pretty? GIRLD. neon gravestones is for the gays.

the hype: the second verse is all about not caring what others think of you! the hype is for the gays. a sample in this song is from the two piece video and that is ... :((((( the hype is for the gays. the bridge has a uke in it and ukes are gay. the hype is for the gays.

nico and the niners: EAST IS UP im fearless when i hear this on the low EAST IS UP wearing rebel clothes is gay culture. nico and the niners is for the gays. flying from a fire is also gay culture. natn is for the gays.

cut my lip: “though i am bruised face of contusions know i’ll keep moving” gays have always persisted thru prejudice and u can totally take that line as 100% gay. cut my lip is for the gays.

bandito: this song is all about the fans. the clique is so gay y’all have no idea holy fuckin shit. bandito is for the gays. also it’s such a pretty song ,,,,, repeat after me ,,,,, who else is pretty . GIRLS ! bandito is for the gays.

pet cheetah: THE BOP OF THE CENTURY. absolutely gay culture. pet cheetah is for the gays. also josh takes his shirt off right before this song so. pet cheetah is for the gays.

legend: me and sera were talking abt how ned is a legend and we referenced this song. two gay icons talking abt a gay icon. legend is for the gays. also !! ukulele song. ukes are gay. legend is for the gays.

leave the city: i have no words to describe this song other than that.......... it’s definitely for the gays. <3

SINGLES/UNRELEASED SONGS

heathens: once again a song that brought many more gays to the clique. heathens is for the gays. the piano intro to this song live makes u ascend to heaven. heathens is for the gays.

cancer: this is a mcr cover. my chemical romance is gay culture. cancer is for the gays. this song is also super frickin pretty and girls are also pretty. cancer is for the gays.

two: so eerie and pretty at the same time. just,, really hard to describe. but definitely , definitely two is for the gays. me and sera are gonna do a two piano duet when we meet and we’re both gay icons. two is for the gays.

time to say goodbye: this is my favorite tøp song . the song i DO NOT SHUT UP ABOUT. as such, it’s automatically gay culture. ttsg is for the gays. also it was the first tøp song josh ever heard i’m not crying you’re crying. ttsg is for the gays.

in conclusion: every tøp song is for the gays and i just proved it.

thanks for reading this whole thing i really hope u liked it this took me two hours but hey . Gay Rights.

#mine #txt #twenty one pilots #tøp #21p #tyler joseph #josh dun #lgbtq #WOOOOOOOOO OK HERE U GO GUYS !!!!!!!!!!#<3333333 #long post /

398 notes · View notes

nightmaretyrantvantas · 5 years

Text

Sleepless nights and a shift in character developments- A homestuck au strider story

I wrote this during a bout of insomnia(partially caused by excitement) and I couldnt stop thinking about it

@turing-tested This comes from one of the MANY things I babbled about this character, so if you see this you might recognize it.

Im going to post more about this character soon its just alot to compile for one post-at least 5 years worth or development and passion so bear with me please

Note before reading : This is in the best put terms, an au epilogue i made before homestuck even finished, and the only thing accurate to any current epilogues is the canon kids ages.

This is long and gets a bit dark and emotional and angsty but I promise it has a happier ending. It also glosses over some heavier themes like mentions and brief discussions of nonspecified eating disorders, so if that makes you uncomfortable you can skip this

enjoy

whrrz….whrzz…..whrrzz….

The damn clock ticking was endless. The figure tossed and turned restlessly on the bed, kicking and pulling up the cotton sheets as they ceiling fan lazily spun uncaringly from above. After another bout of struggling for comfort there was a glance at the nearby digital clock

2:45 a.m

“Goddammit……”

With a angry groan the girl fell heavily onto her back and dragged her hands down her face, staring up at the ceiling with exhaustion. This just kept happened to her, ever since she and all her friends and people she gave any shits about crashed here in a new world. No matter what she did she could never get a full nights sleep, plagued by either ruthless insomnia or vicious night terrors. Pick your poison a night. It didnt matter what the 19 year old did really, nothing eased it. And so she stared at the bedroom ceiling and the spinning fan hopelessly before she finally dragged herself up into a sitting position, head hung low. Even with moonlight streaming in blue light things felt too dark. So one tired Dian Strider fumbled her hand around the room and turned on tv on the other side of the room, wincing and squinting as its bright changing light filled her room. She glanced back at the clock and grimaced at the two minutes that had passed. Then she shut her eyes and listened, muting the tv. The apartment was quiet….too quiet…

Her eyes snapped back open, a new look of anxiety crossing her face.

“ Hes not back yet….its Wednesday…hes late…” She shook her head and looked at the wall by her bed, at the pinned up pages of scribbles hanging there contently

WEDNESDAY : RETURNS BY 1 AM

Now she as on her feet and pacing around on fragile boned legs, absently gnawing on the scarred knuckle of her index finger. Her thoughts drifted and tumbled through her sleep deprived brain worriedly, though she wouldnt admit it aloud just yet.

Dirk wasnt home yet. He shouldve been home by now. But hes not….is he?

She stopped and looked at her bedroom door, unlocked and fully capable of opening and revealing the knowledge she wanted to know, all outside her little space.

But could she handle opening it?

With a new look of tired firmness she padded barefoot across the carpet and opened her door as silently as she could. If he WAS back she didnt want to wake him up. And there it is illuminated by the light in her room and the gently dim moonlight from the staircase and hallway window : Dirk’s bedroom door, firmly closed. She took a few light steps and Dia was now in front of it, hand grazing the doorknob as doubts made her pause. Sure, she had been living with him for almost 5 months now, and sure he had been more than welcoming and generous in his…weird stoic and socially avoident tendencies and eccentricities. Dia couldn look passed those, who was a shattered and violently anti social and mistrusting girl to judge the man who gave her and her little brother a roof to sleep under and a home to call their own when he had absolutely no obligation to? The answer was she wasnt anyone to judge him.

Not after he let her take on his last name to ease some of the trauma.

But were they really close enough to give her the right to just….turn the knob and open his door as if she was really family?

‘ Yes. we…we are? God i dont really know…But Hal gave me an ok to do so if I needed to talk or got too anxious…he said Dirk doesnt mind me leaning on him a little…so…this should be fine…to just peek in and see if hes in there…even if hes not asleep…I can just make some excuse about…fuck…anything…’ With a metaphorical slap to the face and a small huff of “ Just do it already dia stop being a pansy its just Dirk” she tightened her grip with more false confidence and turned it, slowly pushing it open just enough to poke her head in…

Just to find it empty.

She blinked and her shoulders slumped in disappointment. He wasnt there, which mean he just…probably wasnt home yet.

So she re shut the door without venturing further and walked over to the stairs that led down to the first floor and front of the apartment and ended up slumped across one of the sturdy steps, glaring at the wall upset and exhausted….so exhausted that her eyes fell without her realizing…letting her drift into an uneasy sleep….

And fell straight into a unrelenting nightmare.

She was forced out of it by the sound of something slamming downstairs followed by a thump she didnt register. Because she was sitting straight up shaking violently and tearing up, fingers digging painfully into her arms as she hugged herself, breathing too fast. She looked around like a cornered animal until she was able to calm down a little, her surroundings settling back into her mind. But that slam…

Dia was on her feet gasping for breath a little as she stumbled down the rest of the stairs and out into the living room, tripping on her own two feet in her panic. She felt so small and alone and alone was the one thing she didnt want to be for a little while–

And all the spinning in her head stopped when she saw him.

He was sprawled out not all that gracefully on the beat up grey couch, one of his arms hanging off as his legs dangled over the arm. His blonde hair, much lighter than hers was a damp mess of spikes from being outside in the misty rain of before dawn that plastered against his forehead and into his uncovered, shut eyes. On his hand against his chest were his sharp shades, a dim and fading red glow slowly going out on them, a clear indicating Hal was asleep. She watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically and deeply, indicating he was already fast asleep. She figured it was from the past couple all nighters he’d pulled, between work his own projects and his nightly outings. Dia watched him sleep for a few moments then quietly walked over to his side, noting the familiar bags of insomnia under his eyes even in the dim lighting Silently she sighed and walked over to another chair in the room and grabbed a two blankets off it, a soft knitted one Dave left here from someone she was had met two times now named Rose and a thicker fabric quilt thing Dirk’s had since before she arrived, mentioned by Hal to have been a apartment warming present from friends named Jane and Roxy. She carried them over to him and with a wobbly stance and some struggling to not wake him or Hal up draped the quilt over his body, making sure it wasnt awkwardly on him.

Then Dia wrapped the knitted blanket around herself and plopped down on the floor next to his side, facing him and watched over him for awhile.

It wasnt anything special or life changing to her at first. She just…her brain was in a dark place and right now, The man before her was a very real and very present and constant reminder of the good in her situation. She was out of that hellscape, she was free.

She was safe and in a better place. Next to him the these early hours of the morning on the living room floor nothing bad from her past could hurt her or reach her. And that was all she needed.

So Dia made herself more comfortable and leaned on the couch in the space next to his chest and side and leaned her head against the quilt covered space until it barely, just barely pressed up against said bodily area as her body curled and folded into a comfortable spot doing so and her tired clementine eyes drowsily watched the movement of his breathing and the distant tick of a far off clock until she didnt even notice herself falling fast asleep at his side, nightmareless for the first time in months.

‘ Dirk…dirk wake up already.’

‘Dirk I know you can still hear me, wake up’

It was irritatingly bright with the morning sun when Dirk finally pried his eyes open, squinting up in pain at the ceiling. God was he fucking regretting passing out on the couch right now. So he quietly unfolded his only small salvation from the light and slid the shades over his orange eyes, blinking the exhaustion from them after with a yawn.

‘ nngh….Hal buddy you on already?’ He got an immediate, if not amused answer that made him practically imagine the body motion and expression that shouldve accompanied it. He couldnt help but smile a little and crack his neck in an attempt to ease the stiffness….god he needed a new damn couch.

‘ Dirk…dirk look down.’ He quirked an eyebrow but didnt even get a chance to ask

Because he moved his hanging arm and brushed against another solid mass that made him look down anyway.

He didnt dare move for a few moments when he saw Dia curled up beside him on the floor, his hand having brushed against the slim girl’s too bony arm. But didnt wake up, only shifted slightly as her head burrowed into his side a bit, looking more relaxed than he’d ever really seen her.

‘ When did she…?’

‘ I am not sure. she was already there asleep when I first started up this morning. I can only assume shes been there since we got home.’ He dragged a hand through his hair as he looked over her and carefully moved his arm so he didnt wake her up.

Dirk decided not to sit up or move from the couch yet either.

‘ She almost looks happy…’

“ Yeah… I know. Too bad she doesnt always look like this…’ There was a silence between them and Dirk sighed through his nose.

‘…im going to make breakfast.’ Was the only thing Dirk finally said before carefully getting up and heading to the kitchen. ‘ Oh? Thats a first for you…you normally skip breakfast.’ Dirk didnt respond right away, scavenging the simple, cluttered kitchen for anything to cook and scrunching his nose a little when he wasnt really finding anything.

‘ Dirk you KNOW there hasnt been any grocery restocking since you started your latest project…’ He groaned and pressed his forehead against the freezer door and stayed quiet for another moment, gears in his head turning and things lining up in his head. Hal didnt try prodding him too much for an answer. He knew the human too well by now, Dirk was working something out in his head. And on top of that he had barely been awake maybe twenty minutes after a total of maybe four or five hours of sleep, doing three all nighters before that. So Hal wasnt quick to call Dirk all to responsive lately.

Maybe he should contact Jane after all to get him into a healthier…well…anything.

“ ….I really didnt want to go outside this early…but if the kid will be asleep for awhile…hmm…”

‘ Hmm what?’ The blonde shook his head a little and rubbing an eye with the palm of his hand as if forcing the drowsiness away.

“ Hey Hal….mind messaging Dave for me and asking when he’s planning to come back home from Karkat’s this week?” ‘…alright Dirk I am, anything else?’ Hal asked, a bit sympathetic at the exhaustion in his voice. He knew Dirk didnt like to bother Dave with too much, especially when the younger strider stayed with them specifically to make sure Dirk took care of himself. He wanted him to live his own damn life without worrying about him, and so didnt ask him when he was coming back or how long he’d stay.

“…yeah. Ask him if its today and if he could possibly grab some groceries on his way home…” There was a silence but Hal told him he would and Dirk’s shoulders slumped when they got the reply that Dave would show up in about a half hour, and asking for a general list or if he should just wing it.

Dirk said to just wing it. He wasnt picky right now.

Dia hadnt woken up by the time Dirk pulled on a decently cleaner shirt and his shoes, though she had shifted somewhat. He was a little relieved, she’d been sleeping worse than him recently and any rest was good rest. Yeah…it was was all he concluded as he slipped outside into the bright sunlight and sat on the stoop step that led into the apartment, absently gazing over the city lost in thought.

“ Yo Dirk.” He glanced down to see Dave coming up the steps in casual clothing, face mostly neutral as he carried up two big bags of food. Dirk saw the slightly furrowed brows and the way his mouth tugged down in concern and heaved a sigh, standing and walking down to take one of the bags.

“ Gotta be quiet when you go in, the kid’s fast asleep in the living room and I kinda want her to stay that way. Where’s Derik?” Dave shrugged as he followed him up.

“ He was video calling Jay when Hal pestered me, so I left him be and came alone.” He got a nod as they walked in, Dave raising an eyebrow seeing Dia on the floor but not voicing the question.

Dirk probably didnt move her so she’d sleep longer. He knew she had issues with being touched.

Though when they entered the kitchen his eyebrows furrowed again.

“ Dirk when was the last time you cleaned the damn apartment? You’ve got shit lying everywhere again it wasnt like this when I was here last.” The older man shrugged as he shoved junky clutter out of the way and replaced it with the bag of food, not exactly wanting to answer. The knight sighed and resisted any urges to smack the other person he considered family. Because goddamn was it hard to resist when he was falling back into bad habits and going back on months of progress being made.

“ You know what? Dont worry about it Dirk. I’ll help you pick up later or something since I’m here. Lets just get all the food put away and make something to eat, because damn am I starved and Im sure she will be too once she actually wakes up.” Dirk mumbled an agreement and started putting things away and setting stuff up to cook…something, anything.

“ So…what is with the sudden desire to make breakfast? Hal and I usually have to force you not to skip it.” Dave wasnt really expecting an answer, To be honest neither was Hal at that point. Dirk was clearly in a more antisocial mood and that was fine really, but the silence was making the shorter blonde…twitchy. Maybe he just wasnt used to it anymore, when he considered half the time he stayed with Karkat further out of the city in a house that was distinctly more…energetic with two teenagers running around living with them. He had thought having Dia here might break him out of that but she could be just as bad as he was honestly, a sometimes too perfect match in their isolation habits.

He was thinking about it so much he almost missed Dirk’s reply, turning towards him blinking.

“ Wait wha–” “ I said I’m not doing it for me…im making food for Dia.” There was a moment of a much more fragile silence and dirk pulled off Hal and set him on the counter, gripping it with both hands as he stared tiredly at the wall and cabinets in front of him, his eyes a bit distant as if he was seeing something else entirely Dave couldnt. He sighed heavily and continued with a low tone that sounded like he was trying to stay neutral, unemotional about it.

“ She doesnt eat enough. Coming from me already is a big deal but, I…Im almost positive she has some sort of eating disorder Dave. One she just wont tell me about. But I see the signs of it all over her. The underweight, the fragility of her whole body, the fatigue, the way she tries to avoid eating as much as possible, the way she hides herself away after meals…but I cant push her either because well fuck. What place do I have to really say anything? I’m not blood related, I’ve only known her about 5 months and ive barely tried to get to know her that much or get close to her but she’s grown on me a little and im worried one of these days her insomnia and her lack of eating are going to do her off right under my nose and there’ll be no one to blame but myself for not looking out for her enough. Like fuck,” His nails scrapped along the counter as his fingers curled in frustration. “ Im a goddamn wreck half the time and she’s almost worse than me and I just…I dont even know. The kid deserves better than that? She probably deserves alot better than staying up at night waiting and worrying when I’m going to get home and falling asleep on the goddamn floor and–maybe…maybe I should’ve had Roxy or Jane take her instead. Or even Jake. Somewhere where’d she’d-she’d get help for her issues, not a place to let them fester.” The air was heavy as he finished, his shoulders slumped in defeat and his head hung as if it had become too much to stay up on its own, eyes screwed close in a frustrated kind of pain. Dave was a little speechless, he knew Dirk felt a little responsible for Dia and part of that mightve been from himself but…He didnt know.

He shouldve known though.

“ Dirk…Jesus Dirk why didnt you mention any of this sooner? If you’ve been so worried you could just tell me and I’d help you.” He moved closer and put a hand on his shoulder, pushing up his shades and leaning over to try to look the older man in the eyes.

“ Dirk cmon dont shut me out now after that damn word vomit of you actually opening up. You are not shutting down on me, hell no. You opened your own floodgates and we’re going to swim through what the fuck you released together and work this out because clearly help is needed right now. If it wasnt you wouldnt have asked me to come back out of nowhere, and we wouldnt be having an emotional brotherly moment in the middle of your shitty kitchen at nine in the goddamn morning with the kid you’re clearly worried about dead asleep on your living room floor. So, lets talk ok?” With another tired sigh Dirk nodded as they kept cooking, neither noticing the thin figure slip away upstairs to shower.

After Dave left things were awkward. The two sat at Dirk’s kinda crappy dining table with a non microwaved meal in front of them both poking at it in silence. By the time they both decided they were done the house apartment felt delicate and tense. But regardless Dia holed up in her room for the rest of the evening to prepare for another fitful night and around ten Dirk pulled on his shoes and headed out.

Dia checked the clocked a couple hours later, noting tiredly that it was only ten past midnight. So she simply rolled over to face the wall and shut her eyes, trying to shut off her brain. It almost worked too…

Click.

Her eyes snapped open and she lifted her head to look towards the door briefly confused, almost assuming she was hearing things. She glanced at the clock again. 12:13 am. She rubbed her eyes and slowly sat up.

“ No way…I heard him leave at ten…and he usually doesnt come back until at least two on thursday…” She listened for a moment to make sure, and sure enough there was the sound of shuffling downstairs, slowly coming up the stairs. When she heard Dirk’s bedroom door open she got up and shuffled over to her own peeking out of her door to see his back. Before she could stop herself she made a noise to announce her presence and Dirk paused, looking back at her. There was a moment where they both stared at each other as she briefly panicked at the fact she started this conversation.

“ y..you’re back pretty early tonight…” She almost visibly cringed at herself as he gave a small shrug.

“ Didnt feel like being out for long tonight…besides, keeps some anxieties down if im not gone too late.” She stood up straighter and looked up at him stunned. He…he came home early…so she wouldnt worry? Her mind flashed to the morning before and something warm filled her chest. She nodded and murmured that she appreciated it and swore she saw a smile on his face before he continued into his room.

“ Hey um…” She saw him pause again and she took a nervous breath. She wasnt used to this, but…

“ I um…im not that picky when it comes to food…but I dont mind spicy foods, as long as its not deathly spicy. I’m also willing to try most things put out for me to eat at least once…so I’ll at least try to eat most meals…” She glanced back up to see him nod, a small smile now clear on his face.

“ Alright kiddo, I’ll keep that in mind. Try to go to bed before sunrise.” She nodded back and slipped back into her room, somehow feeling a little lighter.

The next couple weeks after that were different for them both. At first it was hard to describe, but things were less stiff so to say. They both came out of theyre rooms more for meals together and…just talked. The talks were awkward as hell at first, but the more they did the more she looked forward to meal time, and the less she dreaded eating. Even though she struggled to open up to the older man she could still find things to talk about. At some point she started cooking again, which she hadn’t done since she took care of her little brother, over five months ago. Dia started when she noticed Dirk skipping meals, lost in his work.So…she started making things and leaving them for him with a reminder to eat. And once his portion was gone she ended up eating what was left for herself, the portion being enough to not make her feel too guilty most nights.

But things were on a better track, Hal pointed out as much one night as Dirk slipped back into the apartment as the clock read 1:00 am. Dirk raised an eyebrow and got a bit of a half smile. “ oh yeah? You really think so huh?”

‘ Yes I do actually. You havent noticed? She’s opening up to us both more than she has in months.’ Dirk nodded with a hum as he made his way to the stairs, listening to hear if Dia was moving about and noticed it was quiet. Maybe for once she managed to fall asleep.

‘ You know, you two are alot alike, at least with your issues and and some of your traumas.’ Dirk paused halfway up the stairs and tilted his head as he thought about it, not exactly responding. But Hal continued on.

‘ I think at this point, the best course of action for you both would be for you two to try having a deeper conversation. It would benefit you both greatly to try discussing and sympathizing over your similar issues. At the very least it would help you both open up more, something we both know is very needed in this apartment.’ He…couldnt really argue with that one.

“ Ya know what? fuck it why not. I’m not going to push her too much but…I’ll give it a shot.”

And he did. When he saw her at breakfast he motioned for her to listen and took a deep breath through his nose, preparing for the worst. He vividly remembered how she could lash out when she felt cornered or afraid, and that was the last thing he wanted.

So he tried as gently as he could, following some of Hal’s advice and the advice of Rose who he’d talked about this with much earlier in the morning for ideas to approach the subject…delicately. He even vaguely put some of his smaller issues on the table first, made them vulnerable which made Hal rather proud of him for.

“ Look Dia…I get it ok? I get the not wanting to talk to anyone about it and the need to be strong and unbreakable. But I also know how that can fuck you up even more. It has for me for years…and…I’ve lost trust with close friends because of it. I did things I still dont forgive myself for trying to bottle it up.” She listened and nodded. Then Dia looked down and touched one of her scarred knuckles and took a deep breath. Then she looked up with an expression he hadnt seen before, it was tired and sad and vulnerable. Suddenly she looked like her age, a broken and exhausted 19 year old who’d been suffering on her own for too long, and he watched her shoulders droop as she spoke as if a weight was starting to lift off them.

“ I…I-I have alot wrong with me Dirk…maybe too much to be fixed…so much you may not want to bother with me if you knew everything…I’m…Im beyond screwed up and I cant even eat anymore without trying to loss the nonexistent weight it brings…I…I’ve done too much I dont deserve this I dont…” She trailed off and Dirk reached out and hesitantly, understandingly placed his hand on her wrist, making her look him in the eyes.

“ Why dont we start by just being screwed up together kid? You arent alone in it anymore…and about the eating, we can work on that first and get you started on recovery however you need it. But lets start small and see how we survive it.” She smiled a little and nodded, relaxing.

“ Yeah, ok.”

A few nights later Dia was tossing and turning again after waking up from another nightmareThis time a light rain drummed on the roof from a small passing storm. She looked at the clock and glared at the two am glaring back at her before sitting up and pulling on her hoodie. Maybe…

She got up and walked over to her door and stepped out, looking at Dirk’s door and expecting him to be out. But what she saw instead was a soft light coming from under the door, signifying he was still home and awake. With a deep breath she walked over and raised her hand to knock, only to pause and stare at the wood. She started doubting her right to interrupt him when their last talk flashed to mind. He had opened up to her a little and she had done the same, they had shared a moment and she felt…closer to him. She didnt feel like a burden as much.

So with more confidence than she had she grabbed the handle and turned it, letting the light wash over her warmly as she gazed at his back, sitting at his desk across the room making something. She only hesitated for a moment before her body relaxed and she smiled a little, taking a step in.

“ H-hey Dirk…I cant sleep…do you mind if I hang in here for awhile?”

She shut the door behind her when she saw him smile while declaring she can have his bed since he’ll be up awhile longer.

She fell into a peaceful sleep that night, feeling safe and at home.

End

Tadaaaa, this took a long while to write but I hope it was worth the wait! And I hope you guys like it!

taglist

@phantommoonpeople @turing-tested

#My writing #homestuck #Homestuck AU #homestuck oc #dirk strider #dave strider #dirk fanfiction #homestuck fanfic #long fic #hal strider #karkat mention

11 notes · View notes

xaoh-f-goon · 5 years

Text

Denouements: A Spotter’s Guide

In this essay I shall be attempting to identify the distinguishing features of the Denouement siblings, and then theorising on what this means for their character and scene-to-scene motivation. Being just one person I will have biases and projections, so please do say if something doesn’t feel right. Also, a lot of what I will try to describe won’t be visible in screenshots, only in motion, so I encourage watching clips to help understand my angle.

I am taking as a starting point, which will be revised if it doesn’t bear out, the theory that the brothers embody their name: Frank is frank, and Ernest is earnest. Both words mean truthful, but in different ways. Frankness comes via bluntness, factual, to the point, brusque. It implies serious and businesslike, efficient, rooted in reality. Earnestness comes via (positive) emotional intensity, sincerity, enthusiasm and being willing to please. It implies personal conviction, being trustworthy, friendliness and passion for the subject at hand.

Both men are keeping up a controlled facade in order to catalogue and manipulate the hotel occupants, and I believe the word definitions characterise their respective approach to this. Remember, Frank is the fireFighter, ErneSt is the fireStarter. Let’s trust Kit Snicket’s words (and netflix’s intentions) and do some close observation. Here is a screenshot from when we know who is who.

So, the characterisation I am driving at here is that Frank is being impenetrable, relying on saying exactly the right thing, analysing the response and passing judgement to keep safe. Ernest is being quickly ingratiating, performing as a warm presence that you are more likely to trust, especially in the face of his brother’s apparent rudeness. Plus, Kit calls him out as an active liar (’Do not trust him, no matter what he says’) rather than Frank’s passive status as a person the Baudelaires need to behave right to gain access to.

This Denouement is secretly observing before making himself known. He is blunt with his sentences and his impassive face gives no indication of what he wants to hear in return. His rattling speed of speech implies efficiency. I am presuming he is Frank.

He introduces himself in a position of power, having startled them. He wields his authority by assuming his orders are being followed, leaving sharply without checking to see if the kids are following. He speaks in a low flat monotone manner. He uses an air of disdain to keep himself distant and above those he is talking to, and his default position is to look down at you with narrowed eyes. These are things we have learnt about Frank.

This Denouement lets the kids know he is coming, calling out to them softly and clearly. He is smiling and welcoming. His quick speed of speech implies enthusiasm. He sounds relieved to see them, thus initially giving the impression of power to the Baudelaires. His open manner invites openness in return. He is the only one to ask outright for vital information. I am presuming this is Ernest.

He talks calmly and clearly, and emphasises important words that he wants the kids to pick up on and react to. He looks and sounds appropriately curious, worried, and pleading when he asks for information, hoping for an automatic sympathetic response or at least to evoke some sort of tell. When he gets an answer he doesn’t like, he signals being disappointed and hurt. However he still seems very distant from what he’s saying, and his expressions are switched between quickly and grandly, like a performer. It feels disingenuous and too symmetrical. His default position is looking up at you with an expression of concern. These are things we have learnt about Ernest.

Now there is Dewey. He does not have the facade of his brothers. He alone has natural asymmetrical expressions that lend him a twinkle in the eye, as if about to wink, and an actual air of confidentiality. Incidentally, ‘dewy’ as a word doesn’t only mean moist, but also naive, innocent, unwary etc, implying a lack of artifice. He talks quietly and furtively, conveying information quickly because There’s Not Much Time.

So we have our potential players. Now lets prove the theory.

Who does Violet meet?

He remains impassive, does not speak until asked and considers his answer, he seems tired, aloof and critical as if he knows that he knows best. He speaks in a low voice and only in factual information. And, he is very blunt, for example saying very clearly that Not Doing This Would Be Suspicious and saying the name VFD out loud. He’s Frank.

Who does Klaus meet?

That’s Ernest.

Therefore Sunny...

There’s nothing to suggest this isn’t Dewey.

We have a Confirmed Ernest appearance, and he does superficially appear deadpan and stern, possibly throwing doubt on the definitions. However, he is no longer trying to be ingratiating, he is acting villainous and threatening and theatrical. Which is very much in line with what we presume to know of him.

In Part 2, we have a Confirmed Frank appearance, which I have documented here. I think you’ll agree Frank’s manner is perfectly in line with previous conclusions - the mask-like lack of reaction, the disdain in his comment to Poe, the looking-down-from-above posture, the unmoving mouth. Yet there is emotion in his eyes for the first time, staring hatred towards Olaf (and being rough with him) outside of his safe businessman persona. I think some of that is directed towards the Baudelaires too, as he approaches his gaze is fixed on them like a laser. But that could also be an unspoken question for them, or high emotions in general.

[Edit] Further analysis and other possibilities discussed here.

Supposing all of the above is correct, here’s how I see the courtroom scene.

Frank on the left, having had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Ernest on the right, holding a tense but pretty unreadable expression of attentiveness.

Ernest is the one to let Olaf out of the closet. That’s his same thug stance and poise type from when he’s facing down Larry. It’s Ernest’s way of making himself look big - Frank’s way is to appear a superior authority. ....also, there’s the rope thing.

At the submission of the harpoon gun and mention of Dewey’s killing, Frank looks down and is visibly processing. Watch his mouth. Ernest remains an entirely emotionless mask and bows his head at the appropriate time.

Then the Baudelaires make their statement.

Ernest is showing a textbook expression of wonder and compassion, and immediately joins in when the clapping starts...

...and Frank is exasperated. He hates it. It’s fair to say he knows his brother and very clearly doesn’t believe a metaphorical word of it. And I don’t either. Because we’ve seen Dewey happy. We’ve seen Max Greenfield play genuinely happy. And this perfectly even grin does not reach his eyes in the slightest. There is no twinkle. And to my eye Frank’s reaction backs me up on that.

Here, Count Olaf is listing shooting Dewey Denouement as one of the Baudelaire’s crimes. What Ernest is doing is visibly blinking back tears. I do not know whether they are real or fake or both. I do not know what Frank is thinking. It’s something, but I don’t know what it is.

Until finally, we end up here.

Why would the brothers appear to swap roles, Ernest supporting them and Frank condemning them? Here’s what I think.

Both brothers are feeling the loss of Dewey equally deeply.

Frank has come to blame the Baudelaires, perhaps not directly but at least in the sense of them bringing their situation and causing unpredictability in the perfectly ordered hotel. Certainly in this moment, he blames them from an emotional standpoint and is incensed enough to argue with the kids almost on principle. Or, perhaps, he does in fact truly blame them. They weren’t very good at their job, they were indiscreet and didn’t know any codes, perhaps that made him suspicious of them and was already unsure about working with them before Dewey died. It certainly didn’t seem like the kids ever convinced him of anything, and it’s reliably reported in all the news that the Baudelaires are definitely there when firefighters die.

Ernest, while running on almost an autopilot of acting how he is expected to be seen, has come to blame Count Olaf. He knows first-hand that Olaf’s thirst for violence, specifically for the people in this hotel, is very real and dangerous. After all, he did just boil a man with him. Ernest may not care about the Baudelaires, but he very likely doesnt care for this nonsense of a court proceeding either, and wants eyes on Olaf as soon as possible. Or, perhaps, he does in fact truly believe them. Maybe Dewey’s death sent him reflecting on the probably unbelievable and definitely tragic series of events that got the triplets to where they are now. Maybe he is feeling the futility and wants even just a small revenge or point scored. Olaf was right, there is arguably a lot more truth on the firestarting side and Ernest knows, he knows with a certainty his brother cannot have, that the Baudelaires didn’t murder anyone.

#asoue #denouement siblings #asoue spoilers #frank denouement #ernest denouement #dewey denouement #a series of unfortunate events #max greenfield #asoue theory #the penultimate peril #penultimate peril #netflix asoue #netflix a series of unfortunate events #netflix scrutiny #hotel denouement #denouement #denouement brothers

230 notes · View notes

alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

Text

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

7 notes · View notes