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lord-of-the-queers · 4 years

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The Fellowship reacts to ur top surgery

((This is 100% self indulgent. im dysphoric and in need of validation ok leave me be))

At least in my experience, showing off ur chest after surgery is a trans thing. Trans femmes, trans mascs, androgynous non-binary ppl, agender ppl, doesn’t matter. Makes sense too, when at least in the US u pay thousands for that designer chest. So here’s my take on how the fellowship would react. CW for top surgery and the things that come with it. Also for those who are pre op and dealing w dysphoria it could b emotional.

Gandalf would give u advice beforehand, telling u what to ask ur surgeon, walking u through the procedure and what to expect in recovery. Upon seeing ur chest post op for the first time he’d prob say something like “ah yes, fine work indeed. Be sure to thank your surgeon for me.”

Aragorn, man of few words, will simply high five u n say “nice”

Legolas would 100% be the “OOH IT LOOKS SO GOOD” kind of friend, u know? Prob would ask lots of questions abt the procedure and healing process.

I 100% believe and support the headcanon that dwarves are super chill abt gender. They do not give a fuck and i love it. So gimli being himself would prob react like an overly proud dad. like “YEEESSS!!!” (U know, like the one part at the end of FOTR) and attempt to raise u up on his shoulders. Depending on what race u see urself as In Middle Earth, he’d have varying degrees of success.

Merry: *lifts shirt* hey me too! Teet yeet buddies ((I love trans merry so much I’m physically shaking. Trans Meriadoc rights))

Pippin, upon hearing abt loss of sensation after surgery, would start repeatedly poking ur chest (with consent) saying “well can you feel this? what about this?” He’ll also bring up how he’s heard of ppls n!p grafts falling off after surgery and will ask u if ur worried abt that, and what u would do if they did fall off. U can’t tell if he’s being serious. Also bc I’m a believer in genderfluid/genderqueer pippin, i feel like he’d def make t!tty exchange program jokes.

Ik a lot of ppl headcanon him as being a little transphobic but I’ve always headcanoned Boromir as the person who takes time to learn but once he does is aggressively affirming and pro trans rights. Or like the ally who’s the embodiment of the “he a little confused but he got the spirit” meme. So like he doesn’t get it but he recognizes it makes u happy and is happy for u bc of that. Also he will 100% go up to bat for u. He may not always say the right things but he’ll show up when it matters. I think he’d be curious abt the process and want to ask u abt it, but would b nervous to say the wrong things.

Sam is the person who asks abt ur recovery, checking in to make sure ur feeling ok, and is ur after surgery support. He’ll help u for the first couple weeks after, make sure ur taking ur meds when u need to and u have everything u need to make recovery as quick and easy as possible. He also learned as much abt it before hand as possible, even asking ur surgeon more questions than u did. Upon seeing ur chest for the first time, he’ll make comments abt how it’s healing very well, and ask if u have been doing everything the doctors said.

I feel like Frodo would say something v intuitive. “I’m not sure if this is an alright thing to say, but this looks right on you. I’m not sure how to explain it. It just seems better for you. Like a weight is gone. You look happier, is what i mean.”

Bonus:

The Fellowship as a whole, but specifically the Rich Boy Squad (Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Legolas and Boromir) see to it that everything is covered, so u don’t have to worry abt the cost

U express concerns abt post op depression/regret and some of the members of the fellowship (u decide who) help u write letters to remind urself why u did it in the first place.

U go swimming for the first time post op w the Fellowship and it’s one of the best and most affirming experiences ever.

I don’t know why. I can’t explain. But I’ve decided gimli is good with textiles. He makes u a very large and very soft blanket

To be continued. Also feel free to add to this!!

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 4 years

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Hi I read in the faq your answer to someone about top surgery for fat ppl and I just want to ask for a bit more info... do you think i should wait until I lose weight first? Like I’m worried that even if I get surgery... I’m still going to be fat and then I’ll just have breasts still? Thank u! Sorry if this is a dumb question!

Lee says:

As long as you don’t have any serious health complications because of your weight, you can get top surgery.

Fat folk are probably going to have to get double incision top surgery, since their chest would be too large for a keyhole or periareolar, but they can get just as flat as anyone else with double incision.

It’s more likely you’ll get “dog ears” at the end of your scars towards your armpits, but that can be dealt with by getting a revision which is often free. Make sure you ask your top surgeon what their policy on revisions are, and what fees you’d have to pay if you needed one.

There can be some fatphobia when you’re looking for a top surgeon- there can be some increased risks for overweight people going under anesthesia, and some top surgeons use that as an excuse to turn down a patient even when it is possible for them to get surgery safely.

You may have to “surgeon shop” a bit to find a surgeon who is competent, capable and willing, but it’s possible and achievable! I have two fat trans guy friends who got top surgery in the past year, and they’re totally happy with their results.

Cancer-related mastectomies remove all of the tissue, while top surgery only removes like 90-95% of the breast/fat tissue and the last bit is used to create a “masculine” contour. So a complete mastectomy for cancer would result in a very flat, almost concave chest. You can see some examples of what “going flat” after a breast cancer related mastectomy looks like here.

There are some fat folks who choose to leave in a little more fat in their chest because they feel like the extra fullness fits their body type because some fat men have “moobs” but that’s a personal aesthetic choice and not required or something, and it’s possible to get a flat chest with top surgery if you tell the surgeon to make you flat. I do think the majority of folks choose to go fully flat, but there’s nothing wrong with choosing otherwise.

Because a typical trans double mastectomy leaves about 10% of the tissue in for contour, and a few fat folks opt for even more (although this isn’t common), it’s still possible for post-top surgery folks to get cancer in that tissue. That means top surgery may decrease the risk of breast cancer, but it won’t prevent breast cancer.

So you should still get mammograms if you are the age to start getting mammograms, or you should at least do self-checks. This is something you’ll have to talk to your doctor about, and see what they recommend!

On the website of one top surgeon, they said they took off enough tissue it was unlikely you’d get breast cancer, but another top surgeon’s website said that it’s still possible.

“Is top surgery the equivalent to a mastectomy? In short, NO. At least 10-20% of normal breast tissue is preserved in most patients, especially behind the central pedicle (by necessity), and peripherally by design, to avoid unnatural contour irregularities. In addition, the female genotype is generally still at play, and there is no evidence in the literature that the use of testosterone is protective against breast cancer. Therefore, we uniformly advise that all patients engage in self-breast exams (generally easier with less overall tissue remaining) and start getting mammograms when they would otherwise be recommended (generally starting at age 40), especially (and occasionally earlier) in patients with a strong family history of breast cancer, or positive genetic testing. If a breast cancer were to develop, this would likely be managed (by a surgical oncologist) as it would in any smaller-breasted patient.” -Source

I think it depends on what procedure you’re getting as well, like how an inverted-t incision might be a bit fuller than a double incision with grafts. This article says you might also want to be tested for BRCA gene mutations to help decide what kind of surgery you’ll get if there has been breast cancer in your family.

If you’re worried about getting breast cancer because you’ve tested positive for BRCA gene mutations or family members have gotten cancer, you may want a cancer preventative mastectomy where they take out all the tissue instead of a cosmetic mastectomy like they do for top surgery. If you don’t like that look, you may be able to get silicone pectoral implants once you’re fully healed. But the procedure and your options should be discussed with your treatment team, and this whole thing really only applies to folks who are at a high-risk for cancer so it’s something you could talk to your surgeon about at your consultation.

Anyway, that’s a lil tangent. Top surgery (via double mastectomy) is pretty customizable in the amount of fat you choose to keep, so you can choose if you want a very flat chest, a more contoured chest, a breast reduction or “moob-like” chest because they’re doing large incisions which means they have lots of room to work with when it comes to excising the fat and using liposuction.

If you gain a lot of weight after top surgery your chest may get a little larger, but it won’t regrow to whatever your pre-surgery size was because the breast tissue has been removed.

You can see an example of a larger fellow who got a flat chest here, and another example here. It’s definitely possible for fat folks to get flat chests after top surgery if that’s what they want from the procedure!

Trans Bucket has a ton of pics of this, but right now folks say the website seems to be acting up so your mileage may vary with getting an account.

The Facebook groups Top Surgery Support (removal/reduction) and Non-Binary Top Surgery both have a ton of pictures uploaded as well, but you can’t see any “before” pictures there because of Facebook’s NSFW ban. They’re still worth checking out though for the personal experiences, community, support, and post-op pics.

There are a lot of folks who find it really hard to lose weight even if you’re eating healthy and exercising and all that because the body really doesn’t want to lose weight, so waiting until you’ve lost a significant amount of weight might not be an ideal timeframe for getting surgery because you might find it really difficult to lose weight which means you’ll keep pushing back the process of getting surgery until an undetermined date in the future, and not having surgery or an idea of when you’ll be getting surgery can be bad for your mental health if you have a lot of dysphoria.

And it may also be easier to start getting active when you’re healed from top surgery because you don’t have to worry about wearing sports bras or hiding your chest while in the gym and stuff.

Personally, my advice would be to start the process of getting surgery now if you know that it’s what you need. So that means finding a surgeon, getting your WPATH-compliant letter or whatever else your surgeon/insurance needs to perform/cover the procedure, and schedule a consultation.

If your surgeon tells you at the consult that they are requiring you to lose weight before you get a surgery date, at least you’ll have an idea of how much weight you have to lose which can help direct your goal and keep you motivated.

And you may also want to consider getting a second opinion with another surgeon too, which would be my recommendation if the first surgeon has a weight-loss condition before they’ll operate and you don’t think that goal is possible within a reasonable timeframe, because the second surgeon may be more comfortable with the risk and say that you can get surgery with them without losing weight.

Anyway, what you choose to do is up to you, but I’d try to get a consult ASAP and go ahead with surgery because if you don’t get completely flat after top surgery and you end up with dog ears or something, you can always get a revision.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to lose weight at the same time (in a healthy way with the guidance of your doctor) if it’s something you want to do, and trying to get started on both goals simultaneously is possible, but even if you don’t lose weight you can still get great top surgery results.

So you definitely can get a flat chest after top surgery even if you weigh a lot pre-op and have a big chest- I’ve seen it myself a ton of times!

#Lee says #weight loss #weight #weight m #weight loss m #top surgery #surgery #chest m #breast m #cancer m #Anonymous

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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i'm not trans but i want to write trans magnus, what are ig the dos and don'ts? (only if you dont mind <3)

i don't mind! happy to reply to those. altho i'll be real, there's a lot of stuff, so it's a bit hard, which is why i'd say that my first tip is to have a sensitivity reader (even better if it's multiple). i even offer to do that, more trans magnus content is what i want! so i'd tell you to consider that

i'm going to make a list, but i ask you that first of all, you try to understand the reasons why i'm saying what i'm saying (i'm trying to outline them as clearly as possible) instead of just taking it as a checklist of what you're supposed to write or not. the most important thing is that you understand why certain things are/can be harmful, and approach them accordingly. there is rarely ever going to be a rule like "EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU DO THIS THAT'S TRANSPHOBIC". it depends a lot on the story and how you do it

(sidenote: of course there are things that ARE always transphobic, like using men in dresses as the butt of a joke. but that's not the case for most things, and I hope this kind of very obviously transphobic trope is already understood to not be a good thing doiajdsoija)

other than that, i think the first things that come to mind are the following (i'll try to have more do's than don't's cuz i feel like giving you a path to follow is more helpful than paths NOT to):

DO research about transphobic tropes in media and make sure you understand why they are harmful. that's a great way to avoid the most glaringly obvious Bad Takes™

DO try to understand your character's identity as much as you can. are they a trans man/woman? are they nonbinary? if they are nonbinary, what do they identify with? you don't have to have a fully fleshed out identity, but at least know whether they lean more towards neutral, fluid, multiple gendered, outside of the gender binary, etc. if you want a culturally specific gender, KNOW WHICH ONE. have details. and do your research on that. i don't recommend doing that if you don't know exactly what you're talking about

DO try to incorporate the character being trans into your understanding of their backstory. did they have help from their community? what was that like? how did that influence other parts of their story? when did they realize and when did they come out? being trans is going to have an impact on a person's story, so the more you know about that, the more you can build a character that feels real, not a cis person with "trans" slapped on their forehead

however, DON'T have their entire backstory and life be about them being trans. that's not how it works with anyone. you want to understand how being trans intersects with their life, not reduce everything about them to being trans. your goal here should be to incorporate the aspects that are related to that person being trans and the ones that are not into one thing that feels cohesive, because that how it works

DO wait until it's pertinent to mention the fact that your character is trans. it's kind of *sigh* when the fic starts like "Magnus Bane (who is trans) was buying groceries". that feels like what i just mentioned in the last don't: everything revolves around him being trans. you don't want that. if it only comes up halfway through the fic, then it only comes up halfway through the fic. i actually think that's kinda rad because it really normalizes a character being trans, but it all depends on what the rest of the story is like

DO approach their transness like any other element in the story. if it's a light-hearted story, you don't have to approach their transness from an angsty perspective. that doesn't even necessarily mean u can't approach transphobia as a topic, but it's just weird when the whole fic is happy and upbeat and then suddenly there's an on-screen transphobic microaggression and the person is very sad, and then back to upbeat. if you really want to broach this topic on your light-hearted fic, you can do it in ways such as "*flops down on the couch* god, i'm exhausted. some asshat tried to pick up a fight with me today" you know? again, i'm not saying "don't talk about X or Y subject", you just don't want the tone to be completely different from the rest of your story. it feels not only like his transness is out of place (which alienates the reader) but also like just... bad writing, i guess you don't have to take that as an absolute rule, just... as with anything else you're writing, make sure that it fits the story you're telling. if it's gonna have a different tone when u mention something, know why and how you want to do it

DON'T feel obligated to approach every aspect of their identity/backstory/everything they face as a trans person. it's good that you, the author, know it, so you can even know what is or isn't important to mention. but you don't have to give the reader a whole exposé on his transness. approach what's relevant

DO include them making jokes, puns about being trans, having other trans friends, etc. it just feels more real and we do all that all the time. it's just unrealistic for a trans person to hear the word "transparent" and not crack a joke (with people they feel safe with, of course)

when you do mention them being trans, please DON'T treat it like a big deal. when the whole narrative stops so you can mention that a character is trans, it just feels like their transness is a spectacle for a cis reader. similarly, if the reader can tell that their reaction is supposed to be like "*gasp!*" it just feels like trans people aren't supposed to be seen as normal. i'm talking specifically about how the narrative treats it here, not necessarily what happens in the story. you could have a scene where the character comes out, for example, and then of course this is going to be a big deal for them. but there's that, and then there is "magnus bane put on his binder. that's right, hE IS TRANS!". a trope i wouldn't call harmful but that i particularly hate and turns me immediatelly off any story, particularly, is the thing where the character is like "I put on my binder, getting ready for school. I am trans, and anyone who has a problem with it can fight me". no one thinks about how they are trans every time they do anything that's related to their transition. that'd be exhausting. you don't brush your teeth and are like "that's right. MY TEETH NEED CLEANING! i want to avoid caries, because i am human and that might happen"

DO try to think of every element of how they express their transness in relation to that character. you don't have to outline the reasons in the story (that'd be exhausting) but don't just go "well, magnus is trans, therefore he wears a binder and a packer, wants surgery, and [list of Transmasculine Traits™]". WOULD magnus want a binder? WOULD he want a packer? remember that those things are all choices, not a checklist that determine whether or not you're trans. each trans person is an individual, and thus each trans person's relationship with their transness and how they express it is different. so treat your character as such

DON'T make him being trans something that is only used for sad things!!!!!! again, i'm not saying "you can't approach transphobia", but if him being trans only comes up when it's to bring Bad Things His Way, it just feels like being trans = bad for you. know what i mean? try to mention it in neutral or positive ways more than you do in negative ways. a few things that i think are positive: you get to choose your own name, you get to rethink every bit of how you want to express yourself instead of just following a script, you get a lot of friends who Get It, you have the jokes about all the guys named Skylar, the flag is cute, transitioning feels so good! every new thing is a discovery. coming out as trans and transitioning is very liberating, it feels like you are so much more real. sex feels a lot less like a scripted ordeal when you have a completely different relationship with your body, i feel like trans ppl naturally communicate a lot more about sex and explore a lot more of different ways to touch their bodies even when they don't necessarily have genital dysphoria. the puns and jokes are also a nice bonus. the slang is so fucking funny. you learn a lot about your body and hormones and the such just from having friends who hormonize and looked up every detail. as for neutral things, just being like "magnus put on his binder" is a neutral thing. it's just a part of his life! when you only remember that a character is trans because they are going through violence, it just makes people scared of being trans

and i guess those are the most important pointers? just, don't make trans identity a whump thing and remember that not every trans person is the same, build that character just like you do any other. if anyone wants to add more stuff, feel free to! i have a tendency to forget to mention or explain certain things (like "don't make trans ppl the butt of a joke") because to me they are obvious and i forget that they aren't obvious outside of trans circles. i have very few cis friends (that's something that makes a difference too) so ya know. diajsda

another tip i think can be helpful is, if you're uncertain whether or not something sounds natural, try to imagine that instead of talking about a trans character, you're talking about a person who wants to be a mechanic. when you're building a character who wants to be a mechanic, that can be part of a super angsty backstory about how they lost their parents in a car crash due to a car malfuction... or not. it can have relevance to a certain point of the story, or not. it can fit naturally into this part, or it can feel like you just really want the reader to know that the person wants to be a mechanic. it can be integral to the plot, or it can be just another thing about that character. you know? that sounds kinda lame, but i think it's a good way to try to think about what you're writing without all the pre-conceptions and pressure not to Fuck Up Your Representation. idk, something to try out and consider whether or not works for you

if you have any questions, let me know! and ask other trans ppl about their perspectives too, i'm just one person. if you want a sensitivity reader, i'd really be super happy to help :) just DM me, or whatever you feel more comfortable with

#ask #anonymous #societal issues #idk how to tag this lol #sh #trans magnus bane #long post

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take-some-vampire-money-bro · 5 years

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here’s a little post for folks who realized they were trans/nb whilst in a relationship and haven't come out to their s/o yet:

- make sure you understand what kind of person ur s/o is. it’s important to know if they’d be too weirded out or hostile about trans/nb identities!!!

- try having a conversation with them about it!! you don't have to come out then, just try to find a way to bring it up just to see ahead of time what their stance on it is b4 u plan on telling them anything. like specifically for nb ppl maybe send them a meme about “tHERe’s oNLy tWO gENderS” and be like “what do you think about that”

- but you really don't have to know their stance if you know that just in general they’re a sweet and accepting person who’ll love you no matter what. its really just up to your own judgement to see what are the necessary steps towards coming out to that specific person

- it’s okay to be nervous regardless of how nice ur s/o is!!!!! I know I was when I recently came out even though I knew that they weren't going to be a shithead about it!!

- if you come out and they’re chill with it but confused, that’s totally fine and valid! that’s where you come in to try to explain it to them. as tiresome as it is, it’s important to be informed as a trans person so you can get the right information to ur honey when educating them. if they still don't get it that’s okay too, this stuff’s tricky, even for actual trans and nonbinary ppl. as long as they accept u and support u that’s all that really matters

- if they don't believe in the whole trans/nb thing but they’ll respect ur pronouns and treat u right then that’s really just up to u! if ur uncomfortable with the whole notion of them not believing in it, then that might warrant a long talk about it and you’ll both have to consider the fact that perhaps ending the relationship might be a better option that’ll make you more comfortable. but if you’re not as affected by that kinda shit, then by all means go for it!! if they aren't being transphobic/enbyphobic then I think it’s fine if you’re alright with it

- if they have a certain sexuality that doesn't align with whatever you’re transitioning into, I personally think it’s fine if they feel the need to end the relationship. but it really just depends. if y’all are like in a 7 year relationship and going strong, I feel like at that point they care more about you as a person than your gender, so it’d be a little strange to me if ur breaking it off that far into the game because of something like that. but idk, I just think as long as both parties are understanding of one another then it’s fine. I've never dabbled in a situation like that and i’m still a lil unsure how I feel abt that so don't take my opinion of this too seriously lol

- make sure you lay some ground rules!!! tell them what they can and can’t joke about around u when it comes to trans issues!! they may very well not know what’s generally offensive to trans ppl and what isn't. educate them on that and which things personally offend u. tell them GOOD trans jokes that aren't offensive if they love joking around abt shit and still wanna do it in a way that doesn't offend u. make sure you inform them on the slurs and whether or not you care about being called that. tell them what pronouns and terms to use for you. explain how your dysphoria and euphoria works for u personally. tell them what makes u dysphoric so they know what not to say/do, and tell them what makes u euphoric so they can try to help u feel better w that in mind.

#coming out #uncloseted #trans #nonbinary #trans tips #coming out tips #lgbt+ relationships #trans culture #nb culture #seriously tho I just came out as a transmasc nb to my bf recently so I felt inspired to make this post #hope this helps lol

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carnifcrous · 5 years

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could you give me a rundown on what being gender critical is? i get the basics i think but if you don’t mind explaining your views?

oh boy anon i’ll sure try!! idk if im the best person to talk about it tbh and ive confused a lot of people trying to explain my views before ahfjkfh but ill try REALLY hard to keep my adhd ass in check lmfao. if theres anything i said thats confusing & you need cleared up feel free to @ me againi dont know how long gender critical has existed as a concept, but i wouldnt be surprised if it was developed as a reaction to a certain VERY vocal part of the trans movement/trans rights activists

(so when you talk to people (trans ppl) about gender i think people usually break it down into several a few categories: gender identity, gender roles, and gender expression. i think most trans people are aware of & separate their sex from their gender identity, the identity being something innately part of every person, the roles generally speaking the bullshit that society expects & should be rejected, and gender expression really just being the traditional “feminine” or “masculine” behaviors/dress you use regardless of your innate identity.in trans circles/lgbt (merch, lol) sites i’ve seen the phrase passed around “gender is a social construct.” i think trans people who do/used to say that meant it kind of like that since gender was created by societies so it doesn’t matter how you identify/why not expand the understanding of gender (ergo, non-binary genders getting popularized). i think this fell out of popularity because it was transppls attempt to validate ourselves and conservatives cant wrap their mind around social constructs are/the distinction between sex and gender and so it wasnt really working out lmfaobut now there’s been some scientific studies getting popularized that have Suggested the existences of male & female brains and that trans ppl have the brain of their identified gender, therefore the disconnect between their brain and their body manifests as gender dysphoria. (i think the transmed community has especially taken to this idea esp because of kalvin garrah discovering these studies & now kind of preaching them as facts & science. with this comes him, his friends, and all the transmed ppl who stan him ryan and london saying that Gender Isnt Socially Constructed)then theres the posts circling around here saying Transwomen Are Women/Real Women + when the women’s march happened in america after trump got elected, i saw quite a few things on facebook where ppl were saying that all the talk of vaginas and shit were transphobic and trans-exclusionary and they should keep in mind that not all women have vaginas, etc etcthen u have what i believe (or at least hope) are outliers in the trans community being dug up (usually transwomen) who say........ The Most ridiculous shit imo. like saying theyre more of a woman than ciswomen (i’ll use cis strictly to mean not-trans in the context of this post), transwomen claiming theyre having a period, and just in general perpetuating “cotton ceiling” stuff like lesbians just needing to get over their transphobia to be with a pre-op transwoman. (again i would like to reiterate i DO NOT believe this is what the majority of transpeople believe, its just a vocal minority thats gotten attention from receipt blogs IMO.))**sorry that this post is already becoming an essay and if its derailing from the question, but this is what i think gender critical stuff is meant to react toso kind of in opposition to mainstream ideas of what gender is, i think radfems/gender critical people dont really break down gender into the different things like identity, roles and expression. from my understanding, gender was socially constructed based on sex stereotypes. i think we can all agree that stereotypes are Bad, so why should we identify with some set stereotypes?

the gender critical beliefs is that there’s not right or wrong way to be male or female (male and female in this post meaning to strictly refer to biological sex). gender is holding us back by continuing to subscribe to sex stereotypes and is counterproductive to building a society where people are free to express themselves however they like. (a lot of gender critical ppl equate gender identity with personality, and while i think this can sometimes be the case w nondysphoric people & mogai genders, it isn’t always and usually isnt, because as i mentioned before, a lot of ppl know enough to say that gender expression is something independent of gender identity.)as for my personal take on it & how it plays a part of my life (apologies that this is going to get super anecdotal):this all is related to my own transition. since questioning being trans, i fluctuated between different non-binary identities. i didnt think i was Trans Enough to call myself a transmale because i didnt want to kill myself over not having a penis (or even trans enough to call myself trans at all lol), so i thought i needed to stay as being nb. then i realized they/them pronouns did...... nothing for me. the whole time i had she/they/he or they/he in a profile i was always secretly hoping someone would just call me he lol.

but i felt like i was an insult to REAL transmen. it took me a while to realize that i didnt care too much about the specifics, i just needed to do what made me happy. that happiness was being read as male & using he/him pronouns.

but even then id still struggle. id have moments of thinking that i was just copying my best friend (who had a similar nb -> binary transmale path as me), or that i didnt even feel like a boy, that i was STILL faking being trans, that i should feel more of x y & z, that id made a mistake with starting testosterone, etc. reading radfem/gender critical stuff used to trigger the fuck out of me lmfao.i think what i eventually realized for myself and the sentiment other gender critical transppl share is that i was setting up an expectation/standard for myself that was impossible to attain. with mainstream gender theory, a cisman and i share our gender identity, our gender is the same (”cis” as its used to “identifying with your biological sex”). the thing is though, in terms of sex/gender, theres nothing i find that i have comparable to a male. i dont act like a “man” because im not one, im a TRANSman. ive lived most of my life so far as female and being socialized that way has been significant to me. i relate a lot to women and its always felt wrong to me how suddenly because im transitioning it felt to me like i was expected to revoke my right to speak on feminism/womens experiences. way before i discovered gender critical things i was pissed off at people trying to be “allies” to transpeople saying shit like “all men are trash transmen are real men so theyre trash too uwu!” like. fuck that. and fuck you for insinuating i would EVER treat a woman the way that men do.

like i know there are transmen (and just transppl in general, for that matter), who try to overcompensate with misogyny/misogynistic ideas because they think itll help them pass better but fuck

anyway. im proud of being a natal female and being socialized that way. being trans isnt exactly a party but im glad i could get the insight i have into the treatment of women and so forth. and the thing is, this isnt a contradiction to me being trans at all. once i let go of whether or not i was “male enough” of “valid” as a boy, i could once again just focus on the very concrete evidence in my life: i was EXTREMELY dysphoric about my chest. i’ve been on hrt for almost two years now and ive had top surgery. my dysphoria is almost non-existent since ive had surgery. i dont mind & even get excited about all the changes coming from being on testosterone. (dont like that i cant sing like i used to and that i’ll probably end up balding at least by my 50s if my dads head is any indication, but cismen have this problem too so whatever)

also ive never felt quite right when i was calling myself gay (exclusively attracted to men). i share some issues that gay men might, i Can be affected by homophobia because i Do pass as male, but its still not 100% the same experience and i think that distinction is importantmy concerns & how being gender critical is important to me:

me coming out as trans was a process over time. using the usual trans rhetoric, i was having difficulties explaining myself to people. specifically im thinking about my mom. when i said i was uncomfortable with being seen as a girl, she said she was uncomfortable too. she liked dressing more like a boy. some other shit she said too that i dont remember, but my basic takeaway: cispeople, particularly ciswomen, arent necessarily enthusiastically identifying with their correlated gender to their sex, because..... no reasonable person likes gender roles.

and i get worried about people like my mom who might be encouraged to identify as nonbinary just because theyre gender non-conforming. the identity itself wouldnt be much of a problem except that it seems to me like its being pretty normalized for nonbinary people to just kind of....... experiment with medical transitioning to try to achieve some Ideal androgynous form that would be.... Very difficult to achieve. i worry about people not thinking medical transitioning is a big deal and just kind of.... disregarding all the potential health consequences, how powerful testosterone is as a hormone, and so on. with the permanent changes that come people THEN end up experiencing dysphoria and life is.... really pretty difficult for detransitioned women from what i can tell, and a lot of people talk about how theres been a spike of people detransitioning lately.

i think part of the problem is 1. transmed/truscum people harassing & bullying nondysphoric trans-identified people, so they feel the need to medically transition to Prove Themselves and 2. just in general the aforementioned idea that everyone has a gender identity. i think itd be very uncommon for people to “identify” as cis, and so you get this whole mess of people thinking they need an androgynous body to match their androgynous identity......... etc.

bonus: my mom crying on her birthday because she said she didnt think shed be able to ever see me as a guy. “nonbinary, maybe, but you dont act like a boy.” problem solved, i dont act like a guy, i act like a transguy!!

also again, need to reiterate that i cant relate to men. i can never Become Male, not with our current technology. i was not socialized as male and thats okay!! its okay because im just doing what i need to in order to be comfortable with my body and myself. i dont need to worry about my dating pool seeing me as a Real Man because they can see me fully as the transman i am and my relationship with being a natal woman and just, shit like that. ive gotten a lot more comfortable with even being called she when it does happen (by accident by family members). its not a swear word to me and ive let go of a lot of expectations i thought i had to meet with being uncomfortable talking about my female organs and my past as living as a woman etc etc. im not trying to Be anything anymore. im just trying to live as myself

some of my issues with the gender critical community just as a disclaimer:

i have a lot honestly and im not going to be able to name them all off the top of my head

makes sense that it would be, but i think the community is rampant with transphobia in the sense of flattening transpeople to the “transcult” stereotype where they just..... dont seem to think of us as individuals. they think we’re all genderists getting triggered by misgendering & demanding our pronouns. they think all of us are “delusional” about our natal sex. they think we’re all gender conforming. they dont take dysphoria seriously in general, ESPECIALLY males experiencing dysphoria (i get that your feminism doesnt have to be concerned with “men” but come on). misgendering is just disrespectful to me (idgaf about rapists, whatever use whatever pronouns you feel the need for those people.)

just in general some people dont get that trans people can still exist in a post-gender world? and you can still be critical of gender while respecting people’s pronouns? by their very nature i think the transmed, radfem, and especially gender critical communities are attractive to bullies so you have those flocking to it, and thats an issue but... yeah.

this answer has gone on long enough and im really sorry anon im sure you didnt sign up to read a 13 page essay. i just got lost in my thoughts and felt like i had a lot of explaining to do. i think my feelings are both simple and complicated so idk if i even really answered your questions, i hope i did..., ;;

#sorry in advance guys i literally never proofread #and i had family come over in the middle of me typing this so i lost my train of thought midway #i dont know where to put this but some last thoughts #the transpeople who insist they have nothing to do with their natal sex make us look like a fucking joke #like thats so easily exploitable by transphobic conservatives #and im tired of them having that leverage because theyre fucking idiots and dont deserve any sort of intellectual upperhand #gender theory has a lot of holes in it i think and its way too easy to poke at right now #also i think even more important than transmen its important for transwomen to acknowledge they arent the same as ciswomen #i know dysphorias a bitch i know it sucks i know it hurts #im trying not to let my privilege let me forget because i DO have a lot of privilege #but when we're talking about females as an oppressed social class #you dont neatly fit in & share that same experience #doesnt mean you dont have problems/face oppression! but its most likely because youre trans #not because of your identity #also my take on gender critical theory is that it just..... fits for me #i had that whole section about why its important to me #but i also dont really care that much about ppl still subscribing to gender theory #like you do you boo i just think it can be harmful sometimes #anyway #long post #radfem #gender critical #discourse #pine speaks

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jadecringecomp · 5 years

Text

jade is most definitely transmed and they refuse to even talk abt this because they know what they said and done is wrong.

jade has tried calling my friend out for being transmed and since ive come out abt these screenshots, theyve stopped calling him transmed and hasnt even talked abt the screenshots.

“[gideon] I dislike/hate most truscum and what most of them tend to believe, thought I personally do think some form/amount of dysphoria is needed even if it’s pretty much only social dysphoria or very minimal of any type of dysphoria.

[gideon] I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding the belief that dysphoria is necessary so long as you aren’t policing, harassing, misgendering, etc.

[jade] oh yeah that makes sense. i can kind of see both sides? idk yeah

[gideon] I think both sides actively involved in ‘the discourse’ are fucking nuts, just to be clear lol”

they had even agreed with his statement. so its kind of weird for jade to call my friend gideon transmed over smth... they agreed with. it only gets worse with them.

“[jade] basically lainey like. claims to be trans but constantly does shirtless pictures and like borderline nsfw stuff, flip flops on who gets to call her what pronouns

[jade] claims to be a boy but then like.. claims to be agender

[jade] but then says they ARENT agender and like...

[jade] but like. just because they dont want labels?

[jade] idk what were u gonna say abt tearzah

[me] ok i can see that other stuff as faking it but like. i dont see how you cant be trans if you post shirtless pics or whatever

[jade] oh i mean

[me] also idk?? what i was gonna say

[jade] thats more the fact that she claims to have dysphoria but then like. does this”

jade straight up policing how dysphoria should work for others. and no it doesnt end there. i mean its jade we’re talking abt here. theyre really weird abt dysphoria not only from this, but asking me this question out of nowhere.

“[bot] Disconnected.

[jade] yo rae im just wondering but do u have dysphoria

[me] sometimes yes

[jade] vawid”

which is.. such an odd question to ask out of nowhere.

“[jade] do they claim

[jade] to have dysphoria”

jade talking abt tearzah and asking if they ‘claim’ to have dysphoria. and only to top the cake...

“[jade] dysphoria my fat ass cmon (picture of tearzah and their gf shirtless)”

so theres a good chance jade is transmed and they probablyare with how badly they try to avoid talking abt these screenshots. i think that alone says a lot.

update 3/31/19:

its been brought to my attention jade is claiming i made this all up. but really how could i be making this up when i have these screenshots. especially this one of jade blatantly using the term “transtrender”.

“Anonymous asked: in the call outs it shows u doubting people’s dysphoria and posting their pics to say the must not? why do this if not tr//scum? im confused and i do not want to follow tr//scum ideology thank u for answer

laineys whole transtrender or like. honestly whatever u wanna call it idk thing is like. a big topic for anti onision shit (which i follow like? kinda loosely but not rlly) so like. if literally just explaining it makes me transmed and pointing out how lainey fucking sucks (she does and if you are literally going to defend onisions wife in my inbox i’ll vomit blood all over my keyboard) makes me transmed and pointing out the Same shit with TEARZAH (god Help Me i can’t believe my abuser is so fuckign,dfkjdshfkjs she’ll defend tearzah to lie and victimize herself)”

first of all, nobody is defending lainey. i merely pointed out jade polices how ppl should experience dysphoria. and neither is the anon, as theyre implying in this ask. they simply agree jade displays the same ideologies as transmeds do. and apparently me pointing out how they even policed how tearzah should experience dysphoria means im defending them and trying to victimize myself...? way to gaslight jade. especially when all i did was show it to show more proof jade is transmed.

after someone pointing the ask out to me, i make a post on my blog calling them out on it.

“like dont get me wrong i fucking hate tearzah but me just showing proof of you being a freak and policing how ppl should experience dysphoria……. isnt………………. me defending anyone. nor is it even me trying to victimize myself. like what. crack are you on. its just proof you have transmed ideology. like i. really dont know what else to tell you. you just exposed yourself even more by using “transtrender” btw. what transmed doesnt say that honestly.

so im gonna have to ask you again to pull your head out of your ass and act human for once.“

and only minutes later does jade rb that same ask, to say this and try and backpedal.

“LIKE my point wasnt to call lainey a transtrender bc its fucking stupid but like basically thts what the whole subject is abt?? but like then again. cant speak for everyone so”

and they make yet another post right after, practically digging their own grave.

“claiming dysphoria and then posting topless selfies is sus and contradictory so shoot me i guess

#look up body dysphoria perhaps”

i think we can all conclude at this point that jade is definitely transmed.

#hugttos #dickcruncher #sorry for those who have seen this already #i decided i would make a separate post on this blog jic i decide to move again or smth #transphobia

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official-queer · 6 years

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i don’t rlly know many details abt the discourse over whether or not u have to be dysphoric to be trans, i only know that the ppl who say u DO have to are generally disliked by everyone but that side sorta makes more sense to me bc dysphoria is part of the definition of trans that i was taught, and i was wondering if u would be able to explain why dysphoria wouldn’t be needed? i don’t want to argue or anything, i just want to learn because i’ve only been exposed to the other side of the argument

i think that’s most ppl’s first impression of transness. i mean, i remember when i was little, like, a toddler, i knew what trans was but i thought it was like, a man who had to get surgeries to get lady parts and such. and tbh truscum basically say this exact argument but they dress it up in smart sounding words like dysphoria and the trans experience and shit, and they get to say these things and get away with it because they’re trans. but make no mistake, “you need dysphoria to be trans” is the same as “a trans person is someone of one gender getting surgeries to be the other gender”.

if that doesn’t make sense i’ll break it down. specifically when truscum talk about dysphoria they’re talking about body/sex dysphoria, which is when a trans person feels a strong need to change their primary and/or secondary sex characteristics to feel more comfortable in their skin. some transcum will accept social dysphoria but in my experience, most don’t (social dysphoria as in, feeling a strong need for people around you to recognize your gender for what it is. this is what i mostly suffer from as do most trans folk, although not all.)

even without the constant use of “biological male/female” and “transitioning to your desired gender” and “preferred pronouns/name” rhetoric that does exist in the transcum community, their message is quite clear: a trans person is not truly the gender they say they are unless they want their sex to “match”. requiring dysphoria to be trans by default is one admitting that they think that gender and sex are the same, and that in order to be a certain gender you must also be the “matching” sex. they may accept your gender if your sex doesn’t match but only if you yourself feel the dire need to have your sex match and pretty much make an oath to get all the surgeries you need (not a literal oath but you know what i mean)

furthermore, by merit of not accepting social dysphoria as an acceptable form of dysphoria to get your Trans Card™, they’re solidifying their stance that gender and sex are the same, as with social dysphoria there is not always an immediate or dire need for physical body changes (as in my case - it sucks that ppl don’t see me as a man but i could probably live comfortably in my own skin without ever doing a thing to transition, save for change my name legally)

so the deal with not needing dysphoria is accepting that gender has no matching sex. tbh, i’m not someone who’s gonna say that gender is fake. i think it’s real and solid and important and unchanging. i think this because that’s how i experience my own gender. i ask myself, what gender am i? and the answer is resounding and firm: i’m a man. there’s no questions not implanted by transphobes. i’ve felt this way since i was a kid. and yet, i already feel my body matches. this body, in every way, is that of a man. as i said, i could live my whole life comfortable in this skin if it never changed. trans ppl who don’t have this experience are of course valid. there’s no one right way to be trans. the only requirement is that you have a gender different than that which you were assigned at birth. no proof needed, since we’re adults who trust each other when they say something about their own identity lmao

tl;dr truscum believe gender is the same as sex by requiring body dysphoria to be present when that clearly isn’t the case and no gender “matches” with any sex.

thanks for the question and i hope i helped!

#real trans #transmed #truscum #trans discourse #lgbt discourse #transphobia #and actually i think truscums' arguments are more popular #both in general and in the lgbt community #because of a long history of gatekeeping trans ppl from getting the medical help they require #and putting up massive and specific barricades to determine if you were a #it still exists today ofc #worse in some places than others #and i think truscum are just gatekeeping transphobes but they're trans so it's ok uwu #i've seen them get mixed reactions in my own communities #and i have to say it's shocking to see someone you agree with on most things just straight up say #that a trans man who doesn't need to have his own penis is actually just a woman crying for attention #wild #long post #Anonymous

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rosirae-a · 6 years

Text

first, context. ok so i already wrote abt it in the replies of this post but i figured this would be easier for people to reblog in this format & i can maybe write a bit more abt it.

the reason why cisswaps, rule 64/63 or whatever the rule is, also known as GENDERBENDS are transphobic are the usual reasons: invalidating trans ppl, etc. etc. etc. i won’t repeat that, because if you weren’t listening then chances are you won’t now.

though even KNOWING JUST THAT—that it invalidates trans ppl—y’all cis ppl won’t stop. like c’mon that’s all you should have 2 kno tbh. there’s already sumthin wrong w that.

still, though, hopefully i can clear things up a lil bit, & PLEASE TALK TO ME if u have more questions instead of vaguing at me or w/e. i’m so sick of seeing genderbends tbh. final note: i’m not tryna attack you, so don’t use that as an excuse to not listen.

so sum1 brought up the following idea (which i’m glad they did, since y’all need to tell us what’s confusing u so we can explain it. maybe logic will work ? who would’ve thought — sorry i’m salty):

Its funny how many people will say “I won’t interact with cisswaps they’re transphobic whats in their pants shouldn’t matter!” yet a lot of the time when they make muses trans they’ll usually swap their birth sex, usually to take a canon male muse and making them female-at-birth but now a transman instead of making them a transwoman or something, or just leaving them as their canon sex in the first place. Because what’s in their pants doesn’t matter, right. Has no one else caught this hypocrisy?

frankly, i can see where you might be a lil confused, if u’re viewing it that way/ so lemme clear a couple things up. i think a lot of the problem is people not seeing how writing characters as trans isn’t cisswapping/genderbending/w/e.

NOTE: the following is mostly applicable to mtf & ftm, though people who are other genders may also identify as trans, like me, whomst identifies as masc nb. this is not to ignore them; i would like to recognize them but focus on what the community generally identifies as a trans person when they’re writing noncis characters, since typically they’ll just call those ‘nonbinary,’ which they are as well. (it’s an individual choice to be called whichever, or both.)

first of all, whether the interpretation of the muse is cis or trans, the idea is that they end up with their canon gender.

this means that even if you have a muse that’s ftm (born female, identifying as male,) but they’re canonly identifying as feminine, that’s bad. that’s transphobic. we’re not excusing that, that’s some nasties who think they can get away with it cause their muse is trans ‘uwu u can’t hurt us !!!’ nope. still bad.

EDIT: I WROTE mtf INSTEAD OF ftm IN THE ORIGINAL POSTING OF THIS. mtf WOULD’VE BEEN FINE.

why is it bad? because that is basically cisswapping, but trying to cover it by saying that “no it’s just trans hcs.” that’s just as bad, so don’t get that idea in your heads that that’s okay, either.

if you say that a cis masc person is the “same thing” as someone who is trans mtf, by following the idea above of it being okay (since it’s “not really transphobic,” as some people claim, which the op of the confession noticed & rightfully identified as wrong) that’s nasty because it’s insinuating that even if someone is trans, it’s their sex that matters. cisswaps work similarly.

why are either of those bad? first of all, because trans people say so. but that’s not enough for you guys, clearly, so let me try to explain it another way:

it isn’t a cisswap when someone is trans mtf when their canon gender is female. that entire thought—that someone is cisswapped if their gender doesn’t match their sex—is inherently transphobic, because it’s saying that their sex is more important than their gender; that they aren’t “truly female.”

it’s okay that you may have thought that way. recognize it for what it is—a transphobic thought—and move on. you may think transphobic thoughts, but you can recognize them for what they are & move past them. it’s a significant step.

also, please note that y’all, when focusing on sex vs gender, ignore the fuck out of intersex people, whether y’all are cis or w/e. that’s a whole nother can of worms, though, so i’ll move on.

what we mean by “what’s in their pants doesn’t matter” isn’t that sex doesn’t matter—it does, to some extent. it changes their experiences if they are trans (having to bind, general dysphoria, etc.), & i can see that some of y’all wanna write about that.

but recognize that if you’re just trying to make them the “opposite sex” (again, real quick, reminder that intersex ppl exist,) to change that, you’re also harming millions of people. so maybe lay off on that. instead, you can have them deal with that but also be the same canon gender. that’s chill.

trans ftm ppl have to deal with sexist actions on the daily, just like cis fem ppl, or generally fem presenting people do. so y’all can have ur little ‘what if’s without being transphobic. y’all can write abt how sexist things are, or the different expectations that both men & women face (talking about them as society views them, as again intersex people) without being transphobic.

if you want to write that sort of stuff, just change their sex, not their gender. some mtf people will face sexism, though, to be clear, notably if they look female/passable for “naturally” female. (again, gross, since that implies being trans isn’t natural/it’s a choice beyond whether to actually transition.) however, it is because of that concept that you don’t have to cisswap to write your ‘uwu how’d it be different’ stuff.

they’re the same person, no matter what sex. their personality, won’t change, though maybe their views on how they experience the world — that you can easily also address by just writing a trans character. it’s that simple.

however, you should not write about transitioning & other trans experiences if you yourself are not trans. again, another can of worms, though. just take my word for it—and the hundreds of other trans ppl in our community that have to see themselves being invalidated & misrepresented every day.

when you have a genderbend, you’re saying that what’s in their pants does matter, past their daily experience (that tbh is often sexist bc often they’ll be written as shyer if they’re a female or w/e but another can of worms)

before you tell me you’re not saying that, rmmr that you’re insinuating that the character can’t be the same gender even if they’re another sex by saying that it’s cisswapping.

to finish this already too-long post:

your muse can be whatever sex you like, just keep the gender the same. (loosely, ofc, as they can be interpreted as being a diff gender canonly, such as demiboy or w/e)

#ok 2 rb /#actually pls rb if u can #( * ∘ ∙ ——ᴘssᴛ ɪ ɢᴏᴛ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ₂ sᴀʏ. / psa )#long post /#transphobia /#discourse /#i haven't read this over #so i might edit tomorrow #but yeah #i think a lot of the problem #is ppl not seeing how cisswapping #& writing a muse as trans #is different #hopefully this helps !

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loverboi1998iloveyou · 3 years

Text

it’s been almost 2 years and still to this day not a day goes by that you’re not on my mind.

Every waking moment and especially in my dreams, it’s all about you. I have a dream probably about every night of you. Us meeting again in the future and me just apologizing for every ounce of pain I ever caused you and just trying as hard as I can to convince you I’m not that man anymore. The one who hurt you.

I don’t know how to fully describe it, but the growth I’ve made in just 2 years physically and especially mentally is just out of this world.

I now know what true love is, and what I felt for you, and do now, and always will, is honestly the only real love I’ve ever felt.

Whatever love I thought I had in the past with past ppl wasn’t love. It was just pain and that’s all I knew.

Especially the love my parents had together. That toxic love. I just thought that was how love was supposed to be. I thought the “love” from my past abusive relationship was real love and I just hated myself so much deep down that I just thought abuse was apart of love and how it was supposed to go. But I’ve never in my life been more wrong.

I guess I had to learn my lesson though because it’s made me blossom into the strong, kind hearted, loving, empathetic, man I am in this present day writing this.

I never thought I’d be able to make this much growth but here I am. I finally know my worth I finally know that I’ve always been more than man enough and that I deserve to be here and deserve to be alive. Of course some days are still hard and of course I may still get down on myself or get dysphoric at times but now it’s just different. I don’t ever feel the urge to just disappear anymore and leave this earth I call home. It never ever once crosses my mind because I’ve truly realized that I’m meant to be here and I’m meant to be alive and to live the life I’ve been given and to live and make that little Mason that little boy in my past, proud of the man I am today. Make my mom and family proud.

Make you proud.

Tbh I don’t see a point in dating anymore.

Yeah I’ve tried but it’s never gone anywhere and honestly I don’t think it ever will.

I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that we’re all put on this universe for a purpose in our tracks of life. And that there is so many signs out there and callings and manifestations, and some ppl may think it’s silly but I really do believe that life and the universe sends us signs and signals and just whenever I receive any sign or signal it’s just always you. Every time I look at the clock and see 11:11 just randomly or 4:44 or 3:33 or just anything. I always know it’s for a reason.

And I always know these dreams I have of you that are so intense and so vivid and so life life making me wake up from them and just be so weirded out because I realize they weren’t real, even though I so badly wish they were. I know they’re for a reason and I know life wants me to keep holding on. And if it didn’t want me to keep holding on I feel like none of this would be happening. When I’ve tried with someone new it goes no where and I know it’s because they’re not you and they never will be, and therefore I just want nothing to do with it or them.

Because no one will ever be you sienna. And I don’t want them to be.

I’ve always meant it when I said my heart belongs to you and always will.

You’re my person and I finally know what that truly means.

That you are the woman I had always dreamed of as a kid, meeting and being with one day in my future.

The woman I’ve always dreamed that I’d wake up to every morning and go to sleep every night, who always leaves me smiling and knowing that everything’s gonna be okay in the end because I have you by my side.

The woman who has taught me to truly love myself for me and the Man I am, regardless of what anyone else says, or regardless if some ppl don’t love me, because it doesn’t matter cuz I love me and that’s really all that matters.

I used to hate who I was and I just had so so much pain and hate inside my heart from all the trauma I never healed from in my past and in my childhood etc.

Until I finally confronted that trauma and realized I needed to heal those demons. And when I finally took on that healing journey I just realized my full potential in that healing those demons has finally taught me to truly love myself in full.

And now I just do. I can’t even describe to you how much I fully do love myself now. But I just, I love the man I’ve become.

Exactly the way you loved me and viewed me, the way I never believed that anyone could.

I finally see that, and finally see the amazing human I am. And I love him.

So so so god damn much. More than I ever thought I’d be able to love myself. But I’m finally here and I finally see what you saw, the good that you saw in me at least.

And I just wish more than anything that I could go back in time and literally knock myself out with just some fucking sense you know?

To realize that I was in so much pain, to help heal those demons, and to be the man you truly deserve. To love you the way I knew you always deserved to be loved. You deserve more than anyone I’ve ever met. Real, good, pure, and more importantly healthy love.

And now that I’m him and continuing to

Heal and get better every day, you’re still the one thing that’s on my mind every passing moment. And honestly I know that won’t ever change. No doubt in my mind.

I know for a fact that it won’t change actually. The universe is literally screaming at me to keep hanging on. Because I know you’re it. The one for me.

You’re everything to me sienna. It makes me cry such happy tears every time i write something on here to you. Because all I think about is the good times we had together and then makes me sad realizing I was the reason and cause of all the bad times.

Because I think about it now and I just get so mind blown at how I was back then.

Because it’s just so utterly not me.. it’s insane thinking about it now.

To be honest with you I think the best way to describe it is that I literally felt like someone else was in my body back then.

Because I feel how I feel now and think how I do now and I’m just like, I don’t feel anywhere near like that person. That person is a stranger to me and I just don’t understand how I was Ever even like that.

Cuz literally all I have in my heart now is just love. In general, for everyone around me including myself the most now. And I guess that’s just all I really needed.

I just had my 4 years on T, my T bday at the beginning of this month and honestly it just made think of you and picture the exact picture of you I took with the cake you got me for my 1 year T day bday and balloons and how you had them write “HappT Birthday” on it and just it was you holding the cake in my room with the biggest smile on your face and wow. That image is always in my head. You looked just so god damn beautiful and it was just my everything. You were my everything and are my everything even more now.

I was just too god damn distracted at how much pain I was in that I literally couldn’t focus and couldn’t love you correctly.

Gosh.. I just I hated the world so much /: I hated that life made me born the way I was. I hated my past ppl for hurting me so badly and that one specific person putting me through so much pain and thinking why I ever deserved to go through something like that with them. And then it’s like all of a sudden, now that you’ve been gone for so long I’ve realized I’m not my pain and I never was.

That I didn’t and don’t have to become my pain and my past. That I needed to use that pain to make me stronger and to hold nothing in my heart but love and not pain.

I became my pain and I took it out on you because in all honesty for awhile I didn’t know why I did that, mainly not even subconsciously. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

But then now I’ve truly realized I did all of that because you truly loved me and treated me the way no one ever had or has. With love, and kindness, and purity. It was real and you actually looked at me like I was the entire world, a way no one had ever looked at me before.

So I pushed it away, and kept pushing it away until you were finally gone. Because I thought I deserved shit, I thought u were way too good to be true and that it had to be fake.

I thought there was no way a woman as amazing as you could ever love me as this trans man who had never felt man enough for the world and that I wasn’t attractive or good enough for literally just anything.

You looked at me like I was your whole world and I just I couldn’t believe it. No matter how hard I tried I just kept thinking over and over again that u were gonna hurt me and that u were sent to me just to be another person who was gonna break me down and make me feel like I’d never be man enough. Even tho you did everything in your power to help me and prove me wrong and make me see other wise. And I just couldn’t see it.

No matter how hard I tried. I was convinced you didn’t mean it.

And it’s like that was just the stupidest thing ever. I let my pain in my past define me. I let my hard core insecurities I had back then and dysphoria convince me I didn’t deserve you.

and honestly back then I Didn’t deserve you. Not at all.

I’ve healed my demons, I’ve finally seen how man enough I am and just I really wish I could fully describe it to you.

I’m just me now, I like to describe it the best now as I’m just I’m finally fucking home.

In this body of mine. I finally feel at home and don’t feel like such a stranger or out of place. I’m beyond man enough and I’m just so proud to be a trans man. I never as you know like to ever be known as that trans guy you know I’m just a regular guy and only come off as that. But When it comes down to it, I am so so beyond proud to be me. The growth I’ve made, changes, everything. Is just out of love for myself and realizing like wow I hated myself for so long.

That past person made me hate myself so badly.. they made me feel like I literally was dirt on the ground and even when I first started dating you in the past they told me you weren’t shit or special and all this bull shit.

And I never ever believed them and always defended you, but it’s like those words made me feel like shit. They Made me feel like maybe u weren’t my person or that honestly I’ve just really realized

All of those things they told me about myself, about you, my family, were out of jealousy. They were jealous I had a family and a mom who truly loved me for the man I am, who supported me, and then realized that they were jealous that you loved me so deeply and so purely and well so real. They tried to convince me you weren’t special so that I wouldn’t ever think I myself was special or that I deserved good things.

They always made me

Feel bad about me being the man I am and would always compare us and talk about how I couldn’t grow facial hair back then and it’s just with therapy and pure growth within myself, I’ve finally realized that all of those were just manipulative abusive tactics to get me to hate myself so they didn’t have to hate themselves as much as they did deep down.

Wow did it take me a long time to realize all of that but I’m damn glad I did.

I just never saw that that was honestly probably the main reason I hated myself so badly. I just didn’t heal from all that trauma I never understood why I went through. And just kept putting off,

Until I lost the girl who meant the entire world to me, you.

Finally made me realize I’m not this piece of shit that I was when I was with you.

I just became a piece of shit because of all that un healed trauma.

Until I finally healed it and finally said that’s not me and proved it.

And now life is showing me just how badly I miss you every day. And how literally not a day since you left 2 years ago has gone by where I haven’t thought about you.. honestly every day there is something that reminds me of you or makes me think of a memory. Like it was all just yesterday.. when in reality it was 2 years ago and it just will forever blow my mind just how long ago it was cuz to me it doesn’t matter how much time goes by.

It’ll always feel like just yesterday that I was with the most amazing woman I know I’ll ever meet. I’ll never be able to meet another girl like you.

Simply cuz there is no one else like you, and because I never want anyone unless they are you. And there’s only one you hahaha

The one picture I remember most is of you in those weeds and flower plants behind your moms house near that swing at the top of that hill. You hated that pic of you but I absolutely loved it.

And the image doesn’t ever leave my head.

Same with the one in front of my car on the street and I saw a flower plant near it and picked it and put the flower behind your ear. And took a picture of you and just wow.. you were so gorgeous and I remember telling you just how gorgeous I really thought you were and I remember keeping that photo for so long.

And now it’s like I wouldn’t need the physical copy of the picture anyways cuz it’ll forever be in my mind clear as day.

That gorgeous smile, those eyes, everything.

I was the luckiest man in the world to be able to be with you sienna, and the stupidest man alive to have lost you, from hating the world so much and hating myself so much.

I’ll always wish I would have been able to heal myself back then when we were together but I again know everything happens for a reason and that all of this was meant to happen and I was meant to get a wake up call to truly heal my demons and myself to become the good man I am today.

Along with maturity and aging, my 23rd birthday is coming up in less than 2 months and I just remember literally like

It was just yesterday too that it was my 21st birthday and I just was a monster to the woman who loved me. You. And if I could go back in time and literally slap myself in the face I would in 2 seconds. But I again know it had to happen that way so I could just be able to

Heal myself and become who I am today.

In hopes that one day you’d come back to me and I’d be able to actually be the one you needed back then.

I couldn’t even be anything for myself and now that Im

Healed and finally just me and

Home and

Can be here for myself every day even when things get hard.

I now know I can be that man and that love you needed then and what you truly deserve.

You are an absolute queen to say

The least and always have been and deserve more than anything to be treated as such. And I just hope with everything I have in me that I’ll be able to prove that to you one day. I don’t care if it takes even more time being without you, anything is worth being able to see your face again one day.

I’d do absolutely anything to prove to you the man I can be and prove how it’ll always be you and you’ll always be the only woman for me.

I love you sienna. I did then. I do now. I always will.

You are my person and I’ll never ever lose that hope for you one day.

But for now I send you all the

Love and well wishes and good vibes your way. You deserve it.

I love you I love you I love.

-Mase

February 17th 2021

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mukhannath · 6 years

Note

I don't know why people keep expecting androgynous having to mean "hairless boy" like that "no hrt" person. Having hair and growth can be exactly what a nonbinary person wants or surprising changes might not be unwelcome in the end. I'm not on t but I do have a hormone imbalance thing that works like I were on t and thus can't start actual hrt bc my cocktail of hormone supplements is keeping my body functioning and taking additional t would lead into hospitalisation (according to hormone 1/5

specialists). So, when I actually started growing a very "manly" batch of chest hair (not to mention back, knee and arse hair (sorry, tmi) and a spotty beard) and my voice lowered on its own plus other stuff when my body started to rearrange itself, I went to see my gp. Long story short all of the changes are permanent and my gp and the specialists were beside themselves and there was all sort of talk about laser hair removal and support groups bc they expected this to cause me dysphoria bc what my body had done to itself was pretty much natural hrt. Now, the thing is I'm genderless and this whole unexpected hair thing and other stuff *is* making me feel *less* dysphoric (to the point of postponing top surgery indefinitely) because it's taking me farther away from being seen and feeling "typically female" and actually makes me feel fairly androgynous in a mix'n'match type of way with my features. So I turned lasers and the rest down. I admit I was baffled when my body started changing but I had no idea what was happening unlike people who knowingly start hrt. And when I've talked to enbies who are on hrt they're aware of how there's no set order re the changes and some might be unwelcome ones. But it's not that different to what binary trans people feel. Several of them take pauses with hrt to catch up with the changes and they don't necessarily like them either. Your body is changing pretty much according to what genes you have and you have little control over that. What we need is more open discussion about what hrt does in different doses and how far do you want to go with it and how it's ok to take a break from it. Not some person with a very narrow idea what androgyny is and something against nonbinary people especially with their motivation being the shortage of t and apparently it get's wasted on enbies who stop hrt. (Because of course a youtube video speaks for every enby and no-one has ever restarted hrt...) 5/5

wow first of all thank you for sharing and sending this to me, its cool to share your story ! youre right that I didn’t point out that person’s limited idea of what androgyny is and thats probably because i have that same limited view with regards to myself. this is probably a combination of dysphoria and internalized transphobia and you know what?? also internalized racism because a lot of things that are common in my race (like dark body hair!) dont fit my own personal goals. but I recognize that this is a very harmful ideal to apply across the board and thank u for pointing out that i didnt mention that sry abt that.

youre also totally right that sometimes binary trans people arent fine with changes on HRT either. fuck lol like i dont think anyone is 100% happy with their body, even cis people going thru the expected puberty of their agab. so its pretty fuckin ridiculous to apply this double standard to specifically nonbinary people!!

also i think being frank and practical for this, a lot of the time ‘androgyny’ for a nonbinary person means doing things that move them away from characteristics that have them perceived as their AGAB. this of course isnt true across the board but it certainly is in my case and a lot of other ppl ik. that person said “Estrogen won’t just make you a little more feminine. It will make you look like a woman” and im just like... ok well it doesnt seem to be doing either of those for me because i got on it late in the game (20) but if it keep me from “male” aging then im fuckin down for any side effects.

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alien-bodies · 6 years

Text

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now.

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco.

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

#Open For Sicc Facts Abt Me #ianposting

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cute-trans-people · 7 years

Text

Mod Frankie here.

In light of the stuff that got posted last I’m going to post an in-depth response, but I’d like to start it off with saying; I do not agree with Ash. I am trying to remove him from the blog as we speak.

This is gonna get long, so I’m posting under a read more.

Hey, @ashthenerdiestnerd here’s a long response. Go fuck yourself and get the fuck of my blog please.

I have deleted the original post as well as the ask Ash answered, but I will keep up the second thing he posted at least temporarily.

I don’t agree with anything that Ash posted. I haven’t spoken to him since March and he has only ever posted 4 things on this blog, I don’t know why the fuck he hasn’t removed himself from it yet.

I don’t think that you need dysphoria to be trans. The only requirement to being trans is identifying as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth. Being trans is not a disorder. The DSM-5 explicitly states that it is not a disorder.

The myth that non-dysphoric trans people (and especially nonbinary people) are taking away resources and from “actual” trans people is bullshit.

I’m also going to be responding the the asks he deleted here (I get emails for all asks and I will be copying and pasting from there)

@thecreepycrow

"To be tran, you need to have dysphoria" is probably one of the more ignorant things I've hear in the last week. No, no you don't. There are nonbinary people who have little to no dysphoria, those people are still trans. There are people who are born a biological sex and ID as a different gender but have zero issue with their actual body and don't feel the need to medically transition and just look however they'd like. Being trans is not that cut and dry in a lot of cases

I agree completely. If you look back on the other things posted on this blog I have always and will always support all my trans siblings; with and without dysphoria.

Anonymous

Why have you betrayed me like this?

I assure you that I don’t agree with anything Ash said and am getting him removed from this blog as quickly as I can.

Anonymous

good to know your blog is trash! thanks for being open about it, at least. transphobia is transphobia and theres no excuses. i dont have to cut myself up for your fucking benefit.

I’m so sorry for what he said, I would’ve thought it’d be apparent that this blog as a whole does not agree in any way shape or form with truscum beliefs.

Anonymous

Hey, just a reminder that being trans in not a disorder, that a lot of dysphoria is due to society not accommodating trans people and varying trans narratives. Some trans people have dysphoria, some have euphoria, some have neither or both; the defintion of trans is not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth, and thats the only qualifier. The only person that can comment truely on persons gender is that person

Very well put! Gender euphoria is often overlooked in discussions about being trans, but I think it's very important in combatting the idea that being trans is just suffering.

Anonymous

Wasn’t honestly going to say anything but it’s important. I’m going to be unfollowing. I have been trying to find positivity. That post was negativity and I don’t honestly want to see more of it. Trans people shouldn’t have to hate themselves to be trans. If they say they are a bit then take that and know that they are a boy. Getting surgery won’t make them cry and say “I’m not female enough” just because they didn’t hate themselves before doesn’t mean they’ll hate themselves after lol

I understand unfollowing. I try to keep this blog as positive and discourse free as possible. I’ve deleted that post and am currently trying to do some damage control before going back to the regular schedule of posting.

Anonymous

then why the hell post this here? This is supposed to be about positivity, not telling people who don't want to go through bottom or top surgery that they aren't valid for ANY reason they might want it.

I know and I’m really sorry that got posted. I would’ve deleted it immediately, but I was asleep.

Anonymous

it was rlly hurtful seeing transphobic stuff on this blog, is ash gonna be kicked off?? pls do bc most of what he said isnt even true! being trans is cool! dysphoria sucks yes Ok but u cant be negative and be "being trans is constant suffering and pain and if u dont feel that ur not a real Trans" like thats not even useful or helpful, also; many cis ppl can feel dysphoria (not to b confused w dysmorphia) and they cant be trans just bc they have dysphoria? idk but i dont want him on this blog thx

I’m trying as hard as I can to get him off this blog, but from what I remember he lives somewhere where its like 4am right now so he hasn’t responded to my message.

Anonymous

im actually super glad for that response to that post... as a transguy i literally can not fathom someone not even experiencing SOCIAL DYSPHORIA (which is literally just wanting to be seen as your actual gender and not your assigned gender). I personally experience strong physical and social dysphoria and if someone doesn’t experience even a mild form of either of these.... they arent trans. If you dont want to be seen as your “true gender” (for any reason other than safety) you arent trans.

Hey, kindly fuck off. I don’t want you following this blog. This is a positivity blog and that post was uncalled for. I don’t want truscum or transmedicalists following or interacting with this blog at all.

#mod: frankie #dont reblog

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transdib · 7 years

Text

i just wanna…complain a bit here but im hesitant to cuz when i talk about my head stuff and wellbeing theres always someone who stumbles into my ask box criticizing me but whatever

just had my first appointment with a psychologist about gender transition and im…..unhappy? i mean if this is the shit you have to go through to transition then bloody hell are the people who got through it are strong

firstly i was talked over and did more listening than explaining. she kept making assumptions and kinda acted like i SHOULD be saying yes to them.

she just….had a lot of generally shitty views. she kept basically saying “pronouns are too confining cuz im just me ^_^” and she even said similar about autism (cuz i had to talk about my family and that came up). shes like “what even is autism anyway ya know? it’s just a collection of traits ppl have. YOU could even be on the spectrum” and basically alluding to that whole “everyone is kinda autistic” BULLSHIT. made me super uncomfortable.

she asked me if i had any support networks and i explained i get a lot of support online. i was going on to say i get lots of rl support but she cuts me off and goes into this ramble about online not being validating enough cuz u NEED rl support. after her rant i kinda defensively said i have a good rl support network. didnt even get to explain WHO cuz she kept fucking interrupting me with her bullshit.

then i had to give a brief timeline of my life and of course that means talking about dad. she asked if i had any suicide attempts which i stupidly said yes. she keeps relating my experiences to “oh yeah lots of trans ppl have had this happen….father issues among transmen is very common” and im like…what are u getting at. ugh. i explained one of my suicide attempts that was inspired by my older brother’s attempt method. she said i was being a bit of a copycat cuz i saw bro do it and she trivialized it to “playing chicken with a train” and “would you even count that as a suicide attempt?”

also she kept going on about how the brain isn’t developed until 22 years old and then kinda used that as an excuse to start talking about how young trans people are …..god idk?? she basically said “in the 70s it was punk….these days it’s gender haha” kinda like a statement?? that pissed me off. got to the point where i felt like i had to add in exaggerated anecdotes about my childhood to even SEEM VALID. all what i said was true, just exaggerated.

i didn’t tell her about my bpd out of fear, but she mentioned bpd at one point basically saying “ppl like that have identity issues so we’re hesitant to let them medically transition”

then it got really fucking awkward when i was talking about my depression and how much better im managing it. i mention i have ambition and hope for the future, which is different to a few years back. she asks what things make me hopeful, i tell her my partner (we talked about him before this but i’ll explain this soon), my friends, the idea of gender transition, making a living, etc. then she’s like “if gender was taken out of that mix, would u still be hopeful?” and im like “uhhhh….i mean…life would be harder for me but i could get by…i just dont see myself in a future without transition…im tired of living like this” and then shes like “thats a bit of a red flag. are you saying you’d kill yourself if you didnt get to transition?” (we had just been talking about suicide) and im like….legit shocked. im like “no??” and then had to spend 5 minutes, nearly on the verge of tears, trying to explain that that’s not what i meant. she said that that’s the WRONG reason to want to transition and puts pressure and manipulation on her to approve it. i said thats not what i meant and that i find the “lemme transition or i kill myself” thing wrong.

so that made me feel extremely fake and manipulative and awful lmao

and earlier before this convo when she asked what my support networks were, i FINALLY got to explain i have a lot of rl friends and roommates and honestly the only prominent online support is from my partner since he’s from the uk. this turns into a running convo that appears throughout the session about internet safety. she questioned “but how is that even a relationships, like what do u do?” and then i shyly say that we talk on skype/video chat almost daily and then she goes on this spiel about “people on the internet can make themselves out to be like anything they want to be to appeal to you” and i got super defensive. i said i trust him and i know what im on about. she asks how long we’ve been dating (there goes my wanting to tell her it’s a qpr) and i exaggerated AGAIN saying weve been friends for 2 years and been together 6 months. lets not forget when i finally tell her about my mum and shes like “did u seek out your relationship with your partner after your mums death? did u get attached bc of that?” and then she said some other shit about autism that i dont even wanna talk about on here.

and oh goddddd what else.

OH YEAH i had to tell her about my abuse history and by extension mums and she basically asked “how do u know youre not being abused by this partner in the uk?” following her logic that im doomed to be abused just because mum was and i have been in the past.

and then as i left she kept stressing that i need to get approval by other doctors saying im emotionally stable and not at risk of suicide bc hormones can fuck u up. and yeah ok fair enough. i tell her im very in touch with my emotions and she says back “well if you’re reading them properly”

who fucking knows anymore.

lady, you’re trans so you know better than anyone else what dysphoria feels like. you talked 80% of the time for an HOUR. you DON’T KNOW who I AM. you do NOT know SHIT about me or my struggles or the fact that ive been ACTIVELY WORKING ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS FOR YEARS. (OH AND ACCORDING TO HER “MENTALLY ILL” IS A PROBLEMATIC TERM CUZ ???? WHY??)

and i cant even use my psychiatrist to write a letter saying im stable and ready for transiton cuz earlier to-fucking-day he told me i should hold off transition until my bpd is under control and that it’s not smart to pursue it. oh and also he put me on medication. :)

yeah uhhhhhhhh…..i think i know myself better better than anyone. im not coming into this expecting transition to be easy. dont even think i was oblivious to how emotional it can be. it’s fucking awful. i know this. ive had literally 3 different doctors tell me “OOOOOO YOURE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TRANSITION ISNT A GOOD THING YOU PROBABLY JUST CONFUSED” and im like….yeah…..definitely confused after all these years. definitely. it’s not like i stayed trans even after all this shit or anything. gender psych wants me to “unwrap” my sexual trauma so she can….idfk….deem me really trans or some shit.

how the fuck do people deal with professionals. ive had small doses of this sorta shit my entire counseled life, always trivializing my symptoms to just being “stressed”. i wasnt believed about my symptoms besides depression+anxiety for YEARS…and now that im finally opening up about my bpd and gender stuff, im getting this intense dose of professional bullcrap and im already sick of it.

gender psych interrupted me and condescended me the entire time. shes so fucking ableist ESPECIALLY towards autistic people (and once again my allistic privilege played a part cuz i can only IMAGINE how differently that appointment wouldve gone) and seems very technophobic, or at least against the way things are these days with LDRs and young trans ppl.

whatever. lets hope next session wont be so fucking messy.

#life of doge #suicide -#dont come running to my inbox lecturing me either cuz im actually pissed #gender -

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