#and self-destruct internally
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Fuck this blog (user)name was meant as a joke, or to refer to my small occasional doubts of feeling down
Now I feel like I actually gotta go and hunt down that serotonin
*furiously makes chamomile*
#serotonin#chamomile#gimme my chamomile#okay imma shut up now#imma just go and drink my chamomile#and self-destruct internally#:)
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More oc lore from my fursona's universe "We are, as I am" this time of Nishou the Doppelgänger. Definitely read tags before clicking the click more for his info.
Read more of his info under the cut vvvvvv
Full name: Nishou S.
Coding: Jamaican/Chinese
Gender/ sexuality: Masc/ Pansexual
Pronouns: He/Him
Size: 6"3'
Species: Doppelganger
BirthPlace/Birthday: ???(Never born but created)
Zodiac Sign: ???
Voiceclaim:N/A (supernatural/distorted voice is bolded)
Speech quirk
" You are the worst of us and I'm the better of you.....there is no reason for your existence.."
" You never say what's on your mind..maybe that's why you're always in trouble..pity you, it couldn't be me...I know how to get what I want and how to destroy what I don't need."
"Did you hate yourself so much..that you cast me out..now look at you..a lesser..than what we both are...what we both could of been....I'LL ALWAYS HATE YOU."
"One day I will devour you and when that day comes.. I'll make it enjoyable for the both of us.. remember...our oath...blood in..and blood out..right..."
personality music
N/A
General info
Nishou is the forced out utmost extreme negatives and positives of Nish, the best and worst. He was originally a part of them but grew tired of how placid Nish was with themselves. He is the pent-up aggression of all they were throughout their life joined together. He is blunt and doesn't hold back from anyone or anything. His words are as visceral as his fangs and he's proud of the handy work his jaws can do, metaphorically and physically.
Despite his high aggression he also has a high passion and a dual personality. This is also believed to be a product of Nish hiding most of their feelings in situations resulting in unintentionally creating a personality for their doppelganger. Unlike the original, Nishou is not lovey-dovey and seeks passion through intimacy in the most primal of ways. Due to his ferocity, they can confuse the lust for the flesh.. for the hunger they yearn for and easily make quick work out of lovers. Very contradictory to their original that seeks love but can never act on it.
Though consuming their lovers isn't the same as taking their original's place in life. It is an easy way to sate the hunger and craving to fully feel like their original in some twisted way. To Nishou their original stands in his way to having an actual presence in life. It is very well known that a doppelganger must kill their original in order to take their place. To take the originals, they have to consume their heart. And in doing so, living the life he could never live through theirs.
Stand-alone they seem intimidating, harsh, and overly confident. He is the only one to assume many forms, the feral, anthro, were, beastrial, a penghou, as well as a semi humanish creature called Final fatalis. The original can not assume the last three forms. These forms are solely for the doppel. The last tree forms are said to be transitional forms of his supernatural powers. Forms slowly define him farther away from his original vessel. The humanoid form is his strongest out of the bunch. You can tell the doppel is present by the eyes. Only he has red and blue eyes swirling in rings. He could never mimic the original's eyes for some reason. Something having to do with the lack of their soul contained within the heart. Which is what he has to consume from his original vessel to take the life back he helped create.
Though Nishou is not evil, he is the product of the original vessel. When the original could not confront internal struggles with themself, it caused a rift creating him. Nish's subconscious cast him out of their body by throwing up a supernatural black substance that formed Nishou. When formed he was hateful to be abandoned instead of accepted. He formed.....resentful...distorted and vowed to devour every aspect of Nish to regain some peace in his lack of sanity. Which he is slowly losing the more time he remains out of the original's body on his own. He knows only the extremes of the original and acts according to his basic instinct. He believes full heartily when you betray your true self, your real self will be vengeful to regain what it helped you build. You can never escape yourself.
Powers
Slit split- A power only useable in his final and stable form known as "Final Fatalis". A supernatural power where he will slit his wrists to cause the black substance that makes up his very being, to create physical puppet-like replicas of his past forms. These forms can retain memory and take heavy damage in battle. The puppets can be killed but all memory is gained back to the doppel. The damages done, work as a memory function. The doppel will absorb the pain inflicted, which causes the final form to be invincible, indestructible, and distorted over time. This distortion is permanent to him.
Heart inflict- The more time the doppel spends outside the original's body can cause deterioration effects on him entirely. Heart inflict allows him to devour the hearts of those who love or lust after him to keep him stable. This extends the time he has in the physical realm in order to consume the heart he needs to live his life in absolution. The original's heart is what's needed to be fully alive and of the physical realm the original vessel inhabits.
Any heart he devours must have the initial intent in wanting him. Though the want doesn't always have to be positive towards him. To the doppel, even if the meat is soured by unjust distortion, meat is all the same to him.
Shadow waltz- Is a teleportation power. The doppel can walk through shadows, even your own. The doppel however does not have a shadow himself. He uses the shadows around him to his advantage. This power can also detect energy. Once in your presence, the doppel is very calculating to not only you but the energy you give off. This makes it easier for him to teleport to your location to find you in an instant.
Vanta pressure- The same feeling you get when you are in the presence of a shadow person or anything paranormal, is the same presence the doppel gives off. This particular move also can cause paralysis when the doppel is tired of hunting you. If you are in close range, your movements cease. Once you stare into his eyes, you will feel the pressure that slowly tears down your emotional and physical barriers. At this point, you are powerless against him and he will devour you.
Catalyst break- This power is used constantly. The doppel can take in high amounts of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual damage. The more he takes in abuse/damage.. the stronger he gets. There isn't much that can hurt him since he isn't exactly physical yet. Though this power has side effects. The more power used against him, the more he has to consume to stay stable. This sometimes means friends may be on the menu.
Dream Inflict- When trying to keep a low profile, he can actually tamper with your dreams and cause you mental harm that will reflect on you physically. In this state you are fully powerless because once he has broken your mind you are done for. The harm he has done to you in your dreams will reflect on your body in the physical. He can use this power to his advantage in a non violent manner as well to just talk with you. Though many will assume it is a vivid or lucid dream.
Vanta Canon- A flameless thrower attack that can rot the flesh off of bones. This attack is in fact not flames but the same creational fluid that acts like an acidic blast through the mouth. The fluid is a focus of acidic trauma distortion once held within the original vessel. Once said trauma was absorbed by the doppel to protect the original vessel when they were in one body, he focused it into a physical attack. The mock flame is the purest form of black and can deteriorate someone from their very core consciousness.
But not before replaying said victim of said attack to relive all their life's trauma through their minds eye. Before melting slowly to death. Ripping you entirely from existence not just in a physical sense. This attack isn't used lightly since its one of the doppel's most vindictive and hate filled attacks. You must of did something horrible/personal to bring this upon you.
Vanta Dismantle - Not many know beyond the original vessel, but it is very wise to not cause any splitting injuries to the doppel. This attack can only be used if the doppel is split in half. He can never fully split and usually the split will stop near his pelvis. He is very dangerous in this mode and can use his internal liquids as hardened weapons before he regenerates his body back in place. Unlike the original vessel, the doppel has no internal organs, bones, muscles or anything. What he has is a creational black fluid that can be molded at his will. He can even trap you within the middle of his split body which can easily crush you to death..leaving zero traces behind. Though when absorbed into him due to his supernatural link...all traces, memory, and you as a whole cease to exist. He can not feed off of you using this attack.
Minor miscellaneous powers such as:
Hyper regeneration
Supernatural strength
Imperceptibility
Psionics
Voice manipulation
Immortality
Inaudible movement
Haunting
Darkness Aura
Darkness Empowerment
Darkness Manipulation
Enragement triggers:
High-frequency noises
Reacting physically violent towards him
Weakness
His original vessel showing self love/forgiveness
Connection to Self-Nishou has retained all information and memories from Nish, and uses them against his original vessel. While what he says isn't exactly wrong, it is presented as aggressive, angered, and distorted. They have seen through the eyes and sorted through the feelings of the original when they were once one in body and mind. With his forked bluntness, they verbally lash at his original with their shortcomings. Using family, friends, relationships, and life traumas against them. To show without him they would have been dead in their teenhood.
Reminding them it was him who kept the noose from around their neck for so long. It was him who broke the rope at the last minute when they tried. An how ungrateful they are for abandoning him when they felt he wasn't needed or would cause hardships in their life. Nishou knows every aspect and every hole the original tries to hide to seem strong. The strength was all him and only his doing. He reminds the original vessel.."It's easy to hide from others but not from one's self".. and he makes sure the original never forgets it.
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Friendship with a Doppelganger
Though he knows loyalty and values it, unlike their original he is quick to pick up on the lack of it. The minute you let slip you have ulterior motives you are as good as dead. He plays the dance of course. He lets you believe you didn't slip. He enjoys watching you lie, just to see how far you're willing to go. You feel some form of false safety as he still shows you loyalty while you show deceit.
He likes the game even if you aren't aware of it. The minute you initiated it by lying and trying to use him. He doesn't gain much other than fun and quick blood from the play you started. Unlike his original, it's not above him to be vindictive. In fact he takes pleasure in it by giving you pay back. He is very eye for an eye in that mind set. A head space the original vessel quickly abandoned deeming it a toxic trait. An thus the doppel adapting it, seeing it useful to those who sought to harm or use him.
He is the extremes of his original..so like his malice and hate..his love is equally so. Turning on him or using him will hurt him severely, but he will never show it. He doesn't understand forgiveness, because he can't even forgive his original, which in turn he can not forgive himself. He simply will get rid of you permanently to stop the pain you have caused him. He knows no other way to cope with emotional pain of betrayal and abandonment.
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Spot the difference
Nishou has a distinct look. While he is Nish's doppelganger, his markings are more pronounced and jagged. His demeanor is a bit more serious, aggressive, and forthcoming. He always seems to have a scowl on his face or an expression of hunger and happy malice. He has a swirl to his eyes that seems hyper-focused and intense. Though this is an assumed adaptation so you can not focus on his eyes, since he believes that the eyes are a window to his inner workings.
Thus he feels if you can't focus on his eyes it will not leave him open to vulnerabilities. He is the only one able to assume many forms. His height is also way taller than the originals. Unlike their original..they can not bleed red, only black. They were never born...but created. So they do not have flesh and blood like their original does. Everything about them is an intense mimicry. Nish has a bit softer quality in looks and markings, they also do not carry the intense bearded chin fluff. They can be seen with a solemn or emotional face. Though they can be serious in the face it is never the same as their Doppel. Nish's eyes are just red with a hint of blue.
Face to Face-Nishou when confronted with Nish is highly volatile and aggressive. He tries to kill and devour them to claim a life he feels he helped create. And in a sense he did. Without him or his ferocity..his original could not have made it in life when he was a part of them. Nish fears their masculinity more than anything. He represents a part of them they try to hide and destroy to be accepted by their loved ones. Unbeknownst to the fact trying to rid yourself of yourself breeds hatred within self. This hatred bred their doppelganger's personality throughout their growth. They forever are in turmoil with each other until Nish accepts them or succumbs to them.
If Nish shows Nishou any form of love...he seems to be in pain and tries to get away from their original. Being created and cast out from their original's body has caused a jaded mind set. When confronted with affections and acceptance, he doesn't know how to react. He will either run from them or try to injure their original to stay away.
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Nishou's representation
He is the physical manifestation of the extreme fear of the original vessel accepting their repressed shunned masculinity within themselves. An a physical representation of the original vessel's childhood through the eyes of manipulation and abuse. He is the warped aggression that has been done to the original vessel from their parental units, trusted loved ones, life experiences and harsh environmental adaptation. His actions with lovers is a severed hate for toxic masculinity in a relationship from experience of the original vessel's dating habits in past men.
These relationship natures are twisted into extreme vulgarities that are not normal. Usually the devouring of the flesh in a carnal manner is symbolic to giving oneself entirely both in body and emotions for the sake of another. An getting nothing but desecration in return. This repressed feeling is the unrequited love the original endured up until their early 20's. At this time Nishou was cast out from their body.
He is the only one from the two that can assume a multitude of forms. It is believed by the original vessel that this multi-transitional process of Nishou, is representations they helped create through self repressed feelings and trauma.
The feral, a form both have which represents basic and lesser instincts of mental adaption to situational issues. The Feral form is known as the emotional shield. It is a form used commonly to avoid emotional backlash within self. To see him in this form is to realize you are being monitored and if you can be trusted. In this form, he doesn't fully trust you. It is a neutral form towards anyone and everyone.
The anthro, is also known as the physical shield. Is a form that is the most mocking to the original vessel due to variations of similarities to Nish. The only difference is this form is bigger than the original. As well as markings being slightly more jagged and rougher in look. The rough look is believed to be akin to Father. This is the form the original vessel always wanted but could never have due to the fear of backlash from loved ones. This is also the most common form to see him in.
The were, otherwise known as the mental shield. This form is the unchecked repressed brutality of the original vessel. Unlike the beastrial, the doppel's were form is highly aware mentally. Something the original can not control in their form. It is unknown why Nishou can mentally be in control while in this state though. It's believed the were is more a form originally for the doppel. The were being a physical manifestation of a mental safeguard to emotional pain and abuse, when he was still within the body of the original vessel. It is believed that once he was cast out from the original, Nish could still resume their form but lacked mental clarity like the doppel. Since it was his form to originally achieve. A form he shared with the original vessel to overcome mental trauma from others.
The penghou, known as the trauma shield, is a form only the doppel can achieve. This form is said to be the head of a humanoid man and the body of a canid. This form is believed to be a representation of the original's repressed fear of accepting themselves due to parental resentment. The eyes in the mane are a form of paranoia developed from Mother always asserting dominance in their offspring's life. The eyes themselves are the colors of Mother's eyes. A constant reminder of being watched and stigmatized for trying to achieve being one's true self without her toxic help. This state like the beastrial is semi transitional. Unlike the other transformations, there is something eerily humanoid about this form.
The penghou is the doppel's most intense form. The doppel in this state is highly vengeful due to being abandoned by the original vessel. While the doppel is a manifestation of self-hatred entirely, the penghou is a distorted result of primal aggression to oneself through parental abuse. For favoring what others think before what the original vessel thought of themselves. It is known to mimic voices of those the original trusts in order to coax the original to get closer to harm them. The black ooze from this beast is the same creational sludge that helped form him. This fluid is highly toxic and if bitten could mean certain death. This fluid is what makes up the doppel's body and is also what he bleeds.
The beastrial, known to be the transitional shield. It is a were stuck in mid shift. It is believed this form only happens when the doppel is in a high aggressive emotional state. While it rarely happens, when it does Nishou is not in his right state of mind and will even harm friends without a second thought. This form could be forced out as a retaliation of the original vessel trying to accept themselves as well as their doppel. Another theory to this form is the original vessel's lack of trust for those who actually care for them. It is well known the original vessel holds no trust despite having others trust in them.
This residual is warped within the doppel entirely into something more physically aggressive. Thus the lapse in judgment in this form for turning on those who may actually love them, lumping said friends in with those who hold ill will towards them. This is the only form to also semi resemble "Mother". He is more feline than he is vulpine in looks in this state. Depending on the emotional state, the face of said form can vary.
This form holds no empathy nor time for negotiation within reasonable sensibility. It is all terror and all hatred from both the humanoid and beast in its utmost form. In this form he can no longer speak human tongue and regresses back into its most primal of languages. It's instinct is to destroy and kill everything that has harmed it and everything that is in its way, be it friend or foe. He will not show mercy in his wake and this form can not be halted until what ever caused this shift is destroyed or far within reach to be seen or sniffed out.
This form is easily irritable and highly sensitive to noise of high pitches and low baritones. Sudden noises that irritate them can send him off in a rage.
[No images at this time, they aren't scanned oh lazy me :p]
The humanoid, is the last and strongest form of the doppel. It is known to no longer be a shield form for the original vessel, but a form fully for the doppel. An offense form known as "Final Fatalis". Surprisingly even compared to his were or beastrial form, this form's strength is unimaginable. In this state the doppel is impenetrable and can not be harmed in any manner. This is the fully transitioned form of the doppel. In this state he is known to even shift out animalistic parts to his advantage at will. Though he keeps a lot of his markings and animal attributes, his face is no longer animal. The original vessel has no known defense against this form.
The humanoid is very large, hyper-aware, and at best unpredictable. They have a natural charm that can allure anyone to them unintentionally. The semi-humanoid is also alluded to have supernatural powers. Such as being able to teleport within and through darkness, pick up emotional intent, hyper-physical and emotional regeneration, high pain tolerance, and strike fear into those who challenge him with a simple glance. One of his most powerful tactics is splitting his skin open to release some of his black creational sludge to replicate walking puppets of his previous forms to do his bidding. They hold all powers of said form while sharing a mental link with him since they are him. Just now weaponized extensions. These puppets have blackened eyes, unlike his swirled eyes.
Nishou is a physical walking vessel of the original's self-hatred. His very imagery is a mockery of what the original could have been had they loved themselves, before pleasing and loving others. Though due to being forcefully shunned, Nishou has distorted from what he once was. This creature is walking self-hatred manifested as a doppel. Each form represents multiple pieces of the original's traumas and not being able to confront them to accept self.
Relationships- It's rare to see Nishou in a committed relationship-type setup like it is to see Nish in one. Nish can be seen holding their heart away from their partner or lovers constantly. There is a lack of trust to fully give themselves to a partner while still showing love fully. A huge contradiction but doable only by Nish. However, this is a glimmer of Nishou's nature still within them. When it comes to friends, they can be confident and flirty.
But don't mistake it for the commitment of a lover. You will never get this from them and they will make sure you never get this close to them. You will always feel something is off while dating them. While you feel loved, there is a slight distance, as if the minute you mess up they will disappear from your life as if they were never there. There is some truth to your feeling. It is not that they don't love you, they do. What they will not lose is themselves over you. They don't value you enough to put themselves in that predicament. This is a unique residual of what their Doppel left behind within them. There is a huge fear within Nish that they will lose themselves entirely within you. They already regret casting their doppel out, they do not want to lose anything else with what little they have left of themselves. This part is their heart. An organ the doppel is believed to be missing. The only perk to them having fun with you is your safety is 100% guaranteed. Unlike their doppel, where you are walking on eggshells due to their extreme natures. An a potential threat of death if you cross the doppel emotionally.
#asmtsm art#furry#furrydrawing#digital art#digital coloring#digital illustration#furry art#drawn trad first then colored digitally#mixed media#Monster boy#Doppelgänger#blood#paranormal#TW self harm#tw self hate/ internalized#Self trans journey through story telling and fantasy#Tw self harm#TW self destructive habits#asmtsm oc rambles#Tw attempted suicide mention
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Homura did nothing wrong. And I stand by that. Because, she didn't do anything wrong towards anyone nor did she do anything with malicious intent. The only thing she did wrong is entirely in regards to herself. Rather than basing Homura's entire character around an act she made out of love or reduce her character to an evildoer with no morals nor love in her heart like some people still do to this day under the poor facade of “valid criticism,” I'm going to explain what Homura actually did wrong in Rebellion and her what her act of selfishness actually was.
What Homura did wrong was condemn herself to suffering as an immortal deity, the Devil whom acts as a rebellion against God, The Law of Cycles, strict laws of the original universe, which included Madoka Kaname not existing. That is what she did wrong, but not in the black and white, Good-vs-Evil way most people interpret this as. Yes, they are meant to be enemies one day, but because God favors rules and always doing the right thing, whereas the Devil favors her desire to stay in a world where Madoka is happy, where her friends are happy, where they are safe and have a chance at a life. A desire for happiness vs maintaining order of a broken world for the greater good, even if maintaining order means making sacrifices and making hard choices that directly rebel against that desire and yearning for happiness.
But, here is why Homura is wrong in dooming herself to her fate as the Devil. It's very subtle, but seconds before the Flower Field scene, as they are walking, Madoka turns and tells Homura that it really hurts her seeing her in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it. This may seem like a simple thing a friend would say, but remember that Madoka lost her memories as a goddess. And, as a goddess, she was stuck alone in Heaven having to watch life go by, Homura's life go by, and wasn't able to interfere. Think about that for a second. Think about being Madokami.
Think about when she could finally understand just how much Homura did for her, just how much Homura fought for her in all those time loops; the moment she's able to reciprocate her feelings, she fades from existence as the consequence. Wanting so badly to comfort Homura as she bears the psychological burden of being the only person to remember her, to know her, to miss her, to grieve and mourn her. Thinking the only time she’ll ever be able to see let alone talk to Homura again is when she’s essentially dying from all the grief, the pain, the guilt, the sadness of not being able to save her from her fate of being a goddess trapped in isolation. Think about that, then look at what she says here again. Of course it hurts Madoka seeing Homura hurting so badly and feeling powerless to do anything about it. Because that's what she's been doing as The Law of Cycles. Much like how she said she'd never make the decision to become a Goddess in the first place a few seconds later, she says this because this is the real Madoka who loves and cherishes Homura, who hates to see her hurt.
Take that into consideration when looking at what Homura turns herself into at the end of Rebellion, how she's suffering and you can see the exhaustion on her face and in her eyes, how you can see the immortality essentially sucking the humanity out of her to the point where she herself believes she is evil. This was never about Good vs. Evil. This is about Homura hating herself so much not only for being unable to save Madoka, but possibly even for loving her in the first place considering her love is what made her powerful enough to condemn herself to her fate as a Goddess trapped in Heaven with her wish. This is about Madoka hating herself so much to where she only deems herself worthy so long as she's helping others, her self-loathing making her reduce herself to a sacrificial lamb and throwing away her life for the better of everyone else, caring so little for herself and being unable to even fathom that she'd be mourned or grieved if she were to die, thus sacrificing herself over and over, seeing herself as a means to an end if it means freedom for everyone she loves. Madoka has always been there to comfort Homura and protect her since the first timeline. How can she do that if her memories and powers to do so are locked away? She can't. Because Homura doesn't believe she deserves Madoka's love.
Homura doesn't believe she's worth Madoka's sacrifice in becoming a God and Madoka doesn't believe she's worth Homura's sacrifice in becoming the Devil. Madoka cannot understand that she is so so much more than what she can give to other people whilst Homura is the only one that does. Homura can't understand that dooming herself to immortality pains and hurts Madoka because she can't do anything about it thus she can't save her from her suffering like how Homura ceased her suffering. It's a cycle. A snake eating it's own tail. A pumpkin that spins round and round and round. They're both selfish and they're both selfless. Homura is selfish in the sense that she's not taking into consideration how Madoka would feel if she knew how much she were suffering as the Devil for her sake yet she is being selfless because she's only suffering as the Devil for Madoka and her family and their friends to have a happy life. Madoka is selfish in the same sense that she's not taking into consideration just how psychologically damaging it is for Homura to not only have to watch her die over and over again throughout 100 timelines but to then erase herself from existence with Homura being the only one to remember her and she is selfless by of course only sacrificing herself so much because she cares for everyone and all Magical Girls, Homura especially included. They both love each other enough to sacrifice themselves for the other but they both hate themselves so much to where they believe they are undeserving of the other's love hence they keep dooming themselves to suffering in isolation and in turn dooming each other.
#pmmm#puella magi madoka magica#puella magi madoka magica rebellion#mahou shoujo madoka magica#madoka magica#madomagi#pmmm rebellion#madoka magica rebellion#madoka kaname#homura akemi#madohomu#i dont wanna say they invented doomed yuri but at the same time....#did homura do anything morally wrong? no. she did something wrong in terms of dooming herself to internal psychological suffering#which is something madoka outright says hurts her to see homura go through whilst not being able to do anything about it#homura took away madoka's agency to help her because she feels she deserves this for madoka's sake#homura didn't trap madoka she trapped herself and locked madoka out so that she can't interfere bc she wants her to have a normal life#homura is really not the abusive monster y'all make her out to be the only person she's abusing is herself#she's my self destructive pookie bear and what about it#cw long post
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speakinf of hero. some old doodles of her featuring the second half of my switched au (where the plots of s1&2 are essentially swapped) simply bc Hero drives me BONKERS in that one. POV ur little brother gets sucked into a cult bc of his mascot obsession but he wont listen to you because he genuinely thinks these people are his (first ever) friends. wdyd.
#cal draws#dndads#dndads s2#hero oak#normal oak#uh lark and sparrow are also there but i dont feel like properly tagging this ones just for funsies#also ignore the horn doodle thing thats a separate thing for one of nyx's aus#(hence why. norm calls lark dad)#i just love hero a lot#switched au#HERO IN THAG ONE IS SOOOO. FOAMING AT THE MOUTH#sparrow when he has to break the news to his son that his new 'friends' are cultists 😬#lark when he realizes he may have caused his niece to internalize some pretty awful and self destructive stuff 😶#the second half is so funny to me. throwing the twins in henrys place you try rescuing ur kids on a magic adventure and from various cults
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how do y'all think Alicent + the Green kids would react to seeing their little selves. like if they saw them in some life like, vaguely magical, dream.
Alicent seeing herself prior to queen Aemma's death, or perhaps right after, right before she stopped being a child, and was terrified as to what was to come, feeling in her gut something bad was going to happen. would she hold her like she had Dyana? trying so badly to protect her, to keep her safe, while knowing she didn't have the power to do so, that it was pointless. Would she tell her it wasn't her fault, that she was sorry she had to go through so much pain, that she didn't deserve it?
Aegon seeing a little boy who had yet to do anything wrong, who had yet to be labeled bad or a disappointment, who was still under the illusion that he was loved unconditionally. what would he feel towards this naive and innocent little boy? would he hug him? would he cry? what would he say when this little boy who was still good and kind enough to ask him why he was upset and clumsily wipe away his tears? would he hold him like he struggles to do with his own children, pulling him a little too close and squeezing a little too tight? would he whisper to him that he was loved, that even when she was tough on him, their mother loved him so much? would he warn him, to tell him to be a better brother, to drink less?
what would Aemond do when he saw himself unmaimed? what would he do when he saw himself made meek and small by the bullying he faced. would he offer him advice? would he tell him it gets better? would he hug the boy to his side? or would he feel disgusted looking at himself, a version of himself he just wants to forget? would he walk away from him, rejecting himself because he cannot bear to remember being that pathetic.
what would Helaena do if she saw her little self, so innocent, too young to understand the weight of her dreams and prophecies? would she listen to her, because her words often fell on deaf ears? would she share he knowledge so her younger self did not feel so alone in her interests? would she comfort her in the ways she craved to be comforted but no one ever understood her needs when she was young? would she warn her about the future, or allow her to be content in her ways? would she tell her that Mother tries very hard, she just doesn't understand, and that it doesn't mean she loves her any less?
#the greens have so many issues#and I love them so much#not one of them is ok in the head#I don't know enough about Dearon to do one on him I'm sorry#the internalized issues aemond has to have is wild#and aegon just wanting to be loved even after he started to self destruct only to meet his little self and breaking down#cause that pain had been with him since he could remember#alicent struggling to look at her you fer self cause all she can see is a victim#a little girl who was taken advantage of#helaena knowing that she *knew* her fate but didnt understand till she got older#trying to treat herself how she longed to be treated all her life#just shoot me#aegon targaryen#aegon ii targaryen#aemond targaryen#helaena targaryen#alicent hightower#house of the dragon#hotd#team green#pro team green
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It is fun to be consistently, continually harassed by literally hundreds, and very likely thousands of TERFs while a bunch of trans people are doing their very best to make it Tumblr Trans Canon that I was and/or am a TERF.
cool trans activism. cool trans allyship. very conducive to uniting the community against common enemies 👍
#even when trans people ARE terfs- which absolutely does happen-#I feel more pity and concern for them than anything else?#because that is a position they are being manipulated into and that requires them to be internalizing massive amounts of self loathing#and self destructive self-harming behaviors.
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I cannot and will not stop thinking or ever talking about the connotations of Aventurine having BPD please i could go on about it for hours but never know where to begin. I am down on my knees crying and begging.
#they do such a great job at portraying it and showing us why and how#this representation is so importsnt to me#even if its not “canon”#we so clearly see why and how and the corrolations#he has to be manipulative because he was forced to have to be growing up to survive#he has no true sense of self#we hear of him actively trying to off himself#GAMBLING is a big “trait” too under self destructive behavior#his internalized self hatred we see#man if anyone wants to hesr more about this and ask more specific questions to help me focus in please i need this#it also makes me so sad how bpd is considered manipulative and abusive and#while some people certainly pribably see him as such#people will take characters like this with open arms but reject those of us irl who exhibit the same traits#anyway#hsr aventurine#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.1#bpd
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Finally drew the messed up guy of all time <3
#keese draws#rain world#rainworld#sliver of straw#consider my sliver more of an au than hc since I do a lot with them I wouldn’t do for an actual canon sliver#if we were to get a canon sliver characterization (which I wouldn’t want in the first place) I’d want smth Very different#with that disclaimer out of the way tho minor infodump time#my sliver is the youngest of her local iterator group along with being a fairly rare model#basically she’s built much more for efficiency and generally requires a lot less resources to power#this is largely because she doesn’t host a city like most iterators do and was made with the surrounding icy environment in mind#as a result she’s not nearly as environmentally destructive as most iterators#they’re not Not destructive mind you but generally their tundra like surroundings have stayed relatively in tact#they host a research facility atop their structure and was generally meant to aid in the research of the stationed scientists#because of this it interacted with far far less anchients than most iterators did and only did in professional environments#because of this far less effort was put into its puppet and vocal box with its voice being entirely flat#it still managed to manifest quite the strong personality however largely stitched from its local iterators#internally she’s quite the wreck being very emotionally unstable and desperate for attention#she has piss poor emotional intelligence however and as such tries to find very tangible ways to help the ppl she cares abt#this ultimately leads to a self distructive downward spiral as she clings to the idea of solving the great problem as the thing they need#and by they I mostly mean the eldest of her local group and their once close friend gaze from the stars#said friend was very very attached to her city citizens and as such took the mass ascension very poorly to put it lightly#and as stars became more bitter and isolated sliver became more desperate to fix this#leading to them diving deeper and deeper into their research and making stars feel more and more alone and betrayed#culminating I’m start cutting off her communications and sliver fully blocking out the rest their local group#until yknow. the whole tripple affirmative thing.#stars was still completely cut off leaving the rest of their group to watched in quiet horror alone as all the drama happened#they were a lot less close to sliver so they were in an awkward spot between not liking the idolization of sliver while also not quite#being able to comfortably point out how dehumanizing it all is given they hardly saw them as a person either before this#I’ll have to design my iterator ocs that are sliver’s group members soon I love them sm#they all kind of suck including sliver most distinctional family in existence
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dennis in dtamhd is so bpd recovery coded i feel so much about it <333333
#that shrug gif got me thinking that i know exactly what he’s doing there#like. i absolutely understand the headspace where you’re upset but trying to hold it together because goddammit you are tired of losing it#you attempt to cheerfully push through the thing that’s bothering you and get out on the other side without exploding#the processing out loud where you’re almost having a conversation with yourself. having an internal dialogue out loud.#the big exaggerated movements in an attempt to express his emotions in a more acceptable way#tense and release. tense and release.#he’s trying so hard to laugh things off. he’s trying so hard to make it through those interactions without snapping#when you have bpd you have to find victories in inaction a lot#choosing not to engage in something you really want to. harmful or destructive behaviors#so you’ll be in the midst of an episode just white knuckling it trying not to fly off the handle and self destruct#and then you outlast the storm and you’re still standing there like. wait. it’s over?#it’s over and i didn’t do anything?#and it’s hard to feel like you’ve accomplished something when all you did was not do something. but you did!#it’s fucking hard ok. but you have to try#and goddammit he’s trying. he’s trying#this isn’t really about dennis anymore i guess#thanks glenn howerton for creating and portraying a character i find so relatable#iasip#dennis reynolds#cateposting
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I LOOOOOVE AKANE ANGST!!! THERE SHOULD BE MORE!!!! In the fic I'm writing
Tw: self destructive behavior & internalize homophobia (better safe than sorry)
It's the red string au I talked about before. To spoil my own story :]
I changed the part of Akane whining and just staying home after he found out that Aoi wasn't his soulmate to a long angst filled chunk of the fic to be Akane basically going through a long panic attack. And specifically those panic attacks that you dissociate so hard you don't notice you're in the middle of an episode
He starts falling to really self destructive tendencies like isolating himself and avoiding Teru like the plague. All mostly because he feels like he shouldn't like Teru. That he should only like Aoi. That he's wrong for having Teru as his soulmate
— Colorcoding Anon (I shouldn't spoil any more 🤭 I'm still writing it. Oh, how I adore angst 🥰)
cc you’re so real for this
#I JUST REMEMBERED CC IS THE NAME OF ONE OF THE CHARACTERS FROM GACHA LIFE.#OH MY GOD I JUST UNLOCKED A CORE MEMORY (ME WATCHING GACHA LIFE GLITCH VIDEOS)#BRO I COMPLETELY FORGOT IT ISNT JUST A DRESS UP GAME & IT HAS LORE TO SOME EXTENT.#tbhk#terukane#from remy#tw self harm#<- self destructive behaviour is a form of self harm right???#jic.#cw internalized homophobia
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I am craving for a zcx' modern au, where, after years apart, jc, wwx and lwj encounter again. lwj and wwx are married and after some time, jc starts to hang out with lwj, but only with him (they are kind of exs... Or at least so lwj thinks!)
#Like the point of this au is that shit slowly becomes harder#In every universe wwx has to watch as a kid jc losing his dogs because of him. So that wwx internalizes that he brings nothing but trouble#and pain to jc. So yeah. He's married to lwj but jc wants lwj right? He's taking another thing from jc. And wwx doesn't want to hurt jc.#But he needs lwj too. And he doesn't know how to have both things.#And in every universe jc has to be told by wwx that everything that wwx did was out of duty! So that jc internalizes the concept that wwx#never truly loved him! Because jc is unlovable just like his mom! And his bad temper will force people to act out of duty rather than#genuine affection! and that wwx will lose things for him. out of duty obv#And in the middle we have lwj. Who is pampered in different ways by two men he loves! And then he can only watch as both slowly drift apart#from him. Their worst behaviors shining.#Look. lwj knows jc and wwx worst traits. And he can manage them!#But he has never handled jc and wwx together. While they are together. Because - and lwj never understood this before - jc and wwx bring#out of each other their best and worst qualities. In particular their worst self-destructive qualities#And lwj who isn't good with words and he doesn't know why they are behaving like that - and they don't share with him their problems -#doesn't know what to do#It's a mess. A beautiful fic in my head#Like. Both jc and wwx are carrying yzu and jfm' guilt on their shoulders#jc hates how his mother treated wwx (and it was because of him! Because she was scared for jc's future! And he knows it! )#While wwx hates how jfm ignored jc (and it was because of him! Because jfm found wwx more likeable! And wwx knows it!)#zhanchengxian
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Okay but thought: it's so interesting that Ben is closed off externally but so open with his feelings internally. He knows he has feelings for Devi and he lets them run amok in his mind but he is cannot express them unless he's multiple drinks in and puking at a party. Meanwhile, Devi is the opposite. She's so emotionally open, a firecracker, she wears her heart on her sleeve with all the emotions, but she keeps that part of her brain that has feelings for Ben locked away because she knows she hurt him, she knows she screwed up by cheating and thinks he moved on after. Once they become unhinged, she immediately expresses herself, she can't contain it any longer. Devi has a fortress in her mind, but Ben has a fortress in his world.
#does that make sense#i thought this was so deep#like it's fascinating ben can sit with his heartbreak for so long and nurse his pain and just be so aware of it#whereas devi cannot because pain is all encompassing for her and she self destructs externally#ben self destructs internally and devi self destructs externally#benvi#honestly even as just friends these two are fascinating#i would love to see jaren and maitreyi interact in any other project as well#never have i ever#grace rewatches nhie#im going insane#i might need to stop my rewatch bc im so emotional
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next // previous
july 24, 2021
12:01 a.m.
cathal and eimear's house
#ts4#the sims 4#sims 4#sims 4 story#sims 4 storytelling#simblr#hlcn: everything the stars promised#NOT GRANT DELETING PICS OF HIS EX OFF INSTA BUT STILL FOLLOWING HER#btw peep paivi's profile pic!! HE IS LITERALLY IN IT#also i didn't use a real insta template because i was too lazy to find the correct fonts#even though i've really been wanting to include graphics like this#p.p.s. this is how you know grant is doing okay at the moment because he can see people living their lives happily#without being internally sad and a little self-destructive about it#the other day (well a while ago now) in the story he was fully against going on social media but he's creeping back into it (and life!)#in a mostly healthy manner#holocene.docx#holocene.png#hlcn: grant#hlcn: shannon#hlcn: colm#hlcn: päivi#hlcn: ben#hlcn: vera
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There's something to be said about the same people who praised Vecna for being an allegory for mental illness in season 4 volume 1 are the same people who vehemently hate the character who has been self-destructing since season 2 and was ready to kill himself for a friend's baby teeth in season 1.
#mike wheeler#byler#mikewheelerdefenseclub#something something allegories are a way to seem profound without actually discussing the subject#something something people love supporting the mentally ill until they have the audacity to have symptoms that aren't desirable#yeah im going off today the way yall talk about mike is genuinely sickening to see#i was an asshole at mike's age! i had cptsd and beginning to have a personality disorder and was being abused!#nobody helped me so i got worse and worse and people got mad when i went from quietly suicidal to angry destroying friendships!#and mike is traumatized as hell. dealing with internalized homophobia. and evidence suggests he's in an emotionally neglectful home#he's going through shit! he needs help a year ago! he's self-destructing and has been!#but as soon as he went from breaking rules in season 2 to breaking friendships in season 3 everyone started hating him.#because thats how it is when you're mentally ill. you're ignored when you're quiet and hated when you're loud.#anyways. been thinking a lot.#mike#posting about the prick#gay mike wheeler#mike wheeler protection squad#stranger things
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listen mate I spent way too long suppressing the hard fact that I am extremely attracted to men and it did me no end of damage to smother and bury such an integral part of my person over the many years I did it due to internalized queerphobia and the fear I would be deemed lesser for it, even by people in my own spaces, so now that I've finally embraced that side of myself I am fully entitled to gushing like a teenage girl about men in as outta pocket a manner as I damned well please. fictional, irl, doesn't fuckin matter. i did my time. i've earned it.
#anyways i'm gonna go call another guy daddy#personal#personal musings#wow shira#transfemme#transfemme ramblings#like talk to me about the potent concoction that is internalized homophobia plus internalized transmisogyny#add in the Men Bad rhetoric so many queers seem to think is cool and based and you had a recipe for self destruction#i'm so glad i stopped fighting myself
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no but i love the fact that Dark Matters doesn't have something bigger and more insidious than the Theia
like. what they have is guns and prisons and corporate cronies. maybe a dragon's hoard of stolen tech that they're sitting on but are more concerned with controlling than actually using in any wide-reaching capacity. they're pretty big and spooky but in a smoke and mirrors way that belies the fact that their power is mundane and in some ways still vulnerable to a bunch of meddling kids plucky gay space rogues. maybe that's part of the power fantasy but also part of the message. idk there's something about the tension between how deliberately cartoon-y the tone of the show is and the way it deliberately inflates and then punctures that spooky factor that makes my brain go brrrrrrr like the power they wield is legitimately a threat but it's like how ursula k le guin talks about how evil is banal. and how sasha's both 'the big villain' and also 'you know what i'm not actually all that good at my job it's kinda embarrassing. guess i'll die. i hope we both die'
'evil is banal' and 'we changed some stuff enough to ruin some rich peoples' days and make things a little better and we're never going to fully grasp the long-reaching ramifications because nobody really can' and 'HEHEH MIND MELD ALIEN ROCKET ESCAPE' 'we don't look back at our explosions but not bc we're cool. we're not cool we're just looking to the future. maybe we're a little bit cool. c'mon let a lady and a car lady be a little bit cool'
i have some notes scribbled on my phone to the effect of 'sasha's not actually very good at her job bc dark matters is inherently fucked up' i should go find that
#also i have been living for the undercurrent of how much perfectionism fucks you up#like#all of juno's internalized doing good being good stuff yeah#but also#sasha's the latest in a long line that includes buddy vespa nureyev and arcana lately#tpp spoilers#lmk if anyone needs anything tagged re#suicide#canon-typical self-destructive behaviors#well-documented death wishes#the penumbra podcast#themes and layers and motifs n shit#juno steel#sasha wire#ruby’s busy SAMM play no children by the mountain goats
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