something i've been thinking a lot about is that just surviving is often both the least rewarding recovery experience and also the absolute most critical skill.
i think many of us have spent the last few years of our life just... holding the line. our legs trembling under all that weight. many of us backslid in the sand; and that was agonizing. we have spent so much of our life pushing, and to be forced backwards... we are already so exhausted. it is unimaginable to think we must remake the progress that had already been hard-won.
there's a graph that exists of how you can roughly expect any artistic skill to grow. we all go through periods of rapid growth and discovery; only to plateau. there is often a little sorrow in the plateau, because we're not moving quickly. we don't see those huge strides. there's no obvious sense we're learning.
but the art we're making in that plateau matters. it can still be effective, evocative, exciting. you can still feel inspired, happy, creative in that plateau; because the skills you have are growing, it's just that you're a spot where you don't need to focus on skill-building, you've finally reached a place where you can focus on actually making things. and at some point, without you expecting it, and as long as you work for it - another sharp increase in skill will happen. if you ask any of us how we did it, most of us would tell you the same thing: i just kept trying.
i have spent a lot of my life believing that just-surviving was the same thing as stagnating. i don't have any tangible goals or desires and the idea of making longterm plans makes me want to set my hair on fire. i am fucking tired. i don't want another year of scrambling, of falling down, of slipping in the mud. I love my friends, but i'm watching them settle down, have a life, get what they want: and i'm still here, in the part where i beg my life to be barely functional.
i think... maybe this whole time it wasn't standing still. it was still learning. it was still growing. i just got used to the plateau and forgot that "even surviving" isn't something i used to be able to take for granted. that in all this horrible, thankless effort - certain things are easy enough now. i can forget them.
i have spent so much time hating that i'm not getting better faster. i forgot that it used to be unthinkable to me to even consider recovery. these last years; i've been comparing my plateau to my eras of quick-discovery. i've been unfair to myself. no, the progress isn't as obvious. that doesn't mean it's not still-happening.
we make the mistake of saying "this year i want to live, not just survive," as if the effort of just surviving is useless, or could be shrugged off. the effort of surviving is beautiful. your years spent like barely-here are enough. you're not wasting time. you're not wasting your one precious life. "just holding on" means you were able to actually find and grab the rope. you're here; and the effort of your survival is work. you've been seeking the sky when it used to be impossible to imagine putting down roots. i know it is hard, and i hope you are able to feel better soon. i hope we both reach our next quick-climb. and i know - the weight might never ease up.
it's just that, over time, with effort: we will get strong enough.
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Top 10 2023 BL Kisses
If you've seen at least a couple BLs you know that some of these actors are either uncomfortable kissing another man or just didn't get enough practice kissing literally anyone. So when they get it right and genuinely seem to be enjoying themselves, it is worth noting. Soooo grab a pen and paper, and take some notes:
You Are Mine: This Taiwanese drama was problematique with the unbalanced workplace power dynamics, but this sweet upside down kiss was worth the wait.
Dangerous Romance: This may not have been their first kiss, but it felt like the most romantic. By this point, they'd shared many scenes filled with awkward sexual tension, but this one didn't have an ounce of humor, and Kanghan and Sailom just melted into each other's arms.
Kiseki: Dear to Me: The lighting for this kiss really emphasized their till-death-do-us-part themed dialogue where they vowed to die seconds apart.
Stay By My Side: Lackluster supernatural subplot aside, this Taiwanese drama delivered the most adorable kiss as the main lead was too nervous to give in to his desires without closing his eyes.
Be My Favorite: It took Kawi a frustratingly long time to pull his head out of his ass and realize he would be lucky to have Pisaeng even as a friend let alone a boyfriend. Thank goodness for Pisaeng's patience, cause ours was wearing thin.
Love Class 2: Very happy Ma Ru realized he had feelings for his bestie and wasted no time making that clear with an epic kiss that I have probably rewatched a dozen times.
Only Friends: Honestly, all of their kisses were incredible, because both of these actors went from supporting characters to lead roles, and did not skip a beat. There was no awkward beginner's kiss phase. Those intimacy workshops must've been lit.
Step by Step: Their kiss chemistry was on point, but the car scenes were the most memorable for how very possible they would've been caught in the act in the parking garage of their place of employment. Caution meet wind.
Wedding Plan: These two were about five seconds away from making a baby in that car, and if this were the omegaverse, they probably would've.
Hidden Agenda: There was hunger in that kiss on both sides, and it took every ounce of strength in Zo to shove Joke out the door once he made his intention clear.
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Winter Self-Care Challenge
Use towels right out of the dryer
Invest in or make a good moisturizer
Find a fun new winter hobby
Watch a holiday ambiance videos
Make your home smell more festive
Do a thing you loved as a kid
Have a day of hygg
Wear something warm and fuzzy
Go for a walk with a warm drink
Give yourself a neck massage
Do a comfy yoga routine in your pjs
Foot warmer or heated blanket
Get cozy and read a new book
Have a hot drink like tea or cocoa
Make a holiday favorites playlist
Bake cookies or other small treats
Have a lazy day spent relaxing
Make a tray of fun snacks
Find a festival phone wallpaper
Look at holiday lights
Watch a cozy holiday movie
Take a little cat nap
Love and appreciate your body
Take a long, hot shower or bath
Make a cozy nest or pillow fort
Makes a get-well kit for sick days
Journal or reflect on the past year
Check in with your stress levels
Put out food for wildlife
Write your own holiday story
Self-Love Rainbow
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This Week In BL - I’m pleased with what’s airing, but conflicted about what’s ended & getting started
Aug 2023 Wk 1
Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.
Ongoing Series - Thai
Laws of Attraction (Sat iQIYI) 4 of 8 - Omg the way the bodyguard (handler?) looks at the rich kid. Gah. I see why @heretherebedork loves these 2. But I really hate him (not the handler, the kid). Fun fight scene. I love lawyer babygirl SO MUCH. HE WILL BE MY 2023 FAV CHARACTER. I’M CALLING IT. This ep, Srs? You’re killing me. Suits! Pussycat bows! And then... The Public Claiming!!!!! One of my favorite tropes! And openly flirting? Boys. I’m getting spoiled. Wait… is that…? NO SINGING. Ah well, Thai BL giveth and Thai BL taketh away.
Hidden Agenda that isn’t hidden (Sun GMMTV YouTube) ep 4 of 10 - I like the script for this. It feels like the conversations they have are very honest to a uni experience. It’s comfortable and breezy. I did not expect the kiss. Bit early in the arc. There is either going to be a lot of backend drama, or a long domestic honeymoon period. (Bet you can guess which one I vote for.)
Low Frequency (Sat iQIYI) ep 5 of 8 - It’s moving along in a Ghost Host kinda way (minus the killer chemistry). I’m not mad about it, I don’t think I'll remember it tho.
Be Mine Super Star (Mon Viki) ep 5 of 12 - My ambivalent relationship with this drama continues. Cohabitation trope. Punn is basically a huge puppy trying to spoil/cuddle/fuck his pretty kitty prince. It is what it is. Meanwhile, I just want more of Big Daddy & the Hot Doc. (Also the name of my burlesque show.) Why does Kevin have more chemistry with Ashi in a 1 min long scene than Punn has had… ever? Is this nascent bad boy effect or nascent 2nd lead syndrome I’m feeling? (Meanwhile Ben! Hi! Long time no see!)
Be My Favorite (Fri YouTube) ep 11 of 12 - Whatever. Trash(ish) watch here.
Dinosaur Love (Sun iQIYI) ep 6 of 8 eps - Aw pretty baby is unhappy his bf got injured. But also very blushing maiden. This is profoundly NOT GOOD.
Wedding Plan (Weds YT & iQIYI) ep 3 of 7 - I have decided that Lom’s theme song is BigBang’s Monster. Listen. You’ll see what I mean. Also BigBang = also very problematic but banging. What I’m saying is, I wanna punch Lom so bad, I went slightly bonkers. Water sports are addressed. A trash watch is happening!
Ongoing Series - Not Thai
Jun & Jun (Korea Thurs Viki) 3 of 8 - How DARE they make me love this show so much? I feel personally attacked. The smell thing! Gah. The way they automatically go informal in private. The flirting. The language. The suits, the EVERYTHING. It’s embarrassing how much I rewatch the final bits of each ep.
Stay By My Side (Taiwan Fri Gaga) 6 of 10 eps - I adore this ridiculous show. (I just realized that the actor playing Jiang Chi played Ray’s evil 2-timing bf in About Youth). Baby boy is quite clueless. Sweet dreams tho. I love them both so much. The washing his jersey scene was so fucking cute. Couple’s numbers, couple’s keychains, bridal towel, kisses. Thank you Taiwan for NOT activating blushing maiden. However, confident gay/confused bisexual is a go. And we got us some justifiable angst. Sigh. I’m so happy.
Sing My Crush AKA Follow The Wind (Korea Weds iQIYI) 1-2 of 8 eps - supposed to have released in the first half of 2022 this is a adaption of Myung’s webtoon, from the director of My Sweet Dear, and Love Tractor’s production house, basically Korea does About Youth. It’s sweet (the singing bits are easy to skip) and very much a story of young first love but less stiff than KBL’s usual high school fare (kinda Taiwan feeling). I like it but that very imprecision in production makes me concerned for an HEA, especially with such a low MDL rating.
Tokyo in April is... AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 8fin - Rough final episode, but it does end happily. Fortunately, I had some warning for my personal triggers, but this is Japan and they did go dark. Full review below.
Minato's Laundromat Season 2 AKA Minato Shouji Coin Laundry Season 2 (Japan Thu Gaga) 5 of 12 eps - Shin is so cute and proud and boldly out. I love him. Movement in the relationship with both couples, even if it’s movement into arguments and misunderstanding. I suppose we got 12 eps they need to do... something.
Stay Still (Hong Kong Tues YouTube) 1 of 5 eps - It’s confusing. And… not good? Some flashbacks some present day?
It’s airing but ...
Stay With Me ... NO I WILL NOT! And you can’t make me.
Review: Tokyo in April is... AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa
I had to chew on this for a while but here’s where I ended up.
Two young men with a shared tragic past reunite and fall in love all over again, but the past will not stop hunting them. Based on a manga, this office set reunion romance is GREAT… damn it. It’s Japan in full on soft focus which means it gets emo, abusive, and chewy. These two characters are giving parts of their souls away in a desperate attempt to shape themselves to the expectations they have of each other.
Japan gave us the Bed Friends that Thailand could never even imagine. But here’s the thing: I don’t enjoy my BL this heavy and cutting. I know that for The 8th Sense crowd this is peak BL and I can’t argue with the fact that the romantic devotion, domesticity, script, and acting IS all on point. It’s just not my personal preference for that point to be so damn sharp. I appreciate that this being 2023 I have the luxury of consistent quality (especially from Japan) and thus the ability to say…
I acknowledge that this SHOULD get a 9/10 but I can’t emotionally go higher than 8/10
RECOMMENDED BUT KNOW WHAT KIND OF BL THIS IS AND TRIGGER WARNINGS LIKE CRAZY
Japan = sticking to its lanes like their BL is on rails.
Next Week Looks Like This:
Starting:
8/11 Love Class Season 2 (Korea Fri Viki) 10 eps
8/12 My Personal Weatherman AKA Taikan Yoho (Japan Sat Gaga) 8 eps
Still Coming August 2023
8/19 Love in Translation (Thai Sat One31) ? eps - Two strangers start working in a cafe together.
8/19 I Feel You Linger in the Air (Thai Sat Gaga) 12 eps - The time travel historical romance many of us have been waiting for.
8/20 My Universe series (Thai Sun iQIYI) 24 episodes - This is sampler pack BL, 12 pairs, each pair gets 2 eps, not sure on the order they’ll drop. Known couples include EarthBank from Destiny Seeker and KaownahTurbo from Love Stage!!!, mostly fresh faces otherwise. Jane to direct several.
8/22 Kisseki: Dear to Me formerly known as Miracle (Taiwan Tues ????) 13 eps - From screenwriter Lin Pei Yu (We Best Love, H3: Trapped) features a student doctor forced to take care of a gangster. I love the premise and like the writer, Viki or Gaga will get this one.
8/24 Man Suang (Thailand movie, domestic cinema release) - historical drama about Thai burlesque with KP’s MileApo. Tong is in this one too?
8/? Why R U? (Korean remake) is supposed to be out this month, filming started in sept 22. I find everything about this hilarious. I mean if Korea remakes it, we lose all the sexy and then... would we have a story at all? No we would not. Not even for six short eps. It’d be like one of those mesh shopping bags.
Oh yeah, Only Friends is coming.
2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)
THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS
Hidden Agenda. I love them.
Public claiming with the waist grab maneuver! A true hero.
But I think we can all agree that THIS is the hero all love triangles deserve. (both Laws)
(Last week)
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