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#and obviously i'm not trying to swing the other way here. communities ARE important. support networks ARE important.
captainjonnitkessler · 9 months
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"American individualism has a lot of problems and can lead to a loss of supportive community networks" - true, a problem worth talking about
"Individualism is a poison and anyone who wants to maintain a level of independence from their family, culture, or community is suspect" - BAD. WRONG AND BAD. THIS IS EXTREME CONSERVATISM DRESSED UP IN A PROGRESSIVE HAT
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birdofmay · 7 months
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Hi! If you don’t mind me asking, what are some ways that we can help support higher level/support needs autistic in real life? Like not just online and stuff like real policies that we can change and everything out in the Real World
That highly varies from person to person because everyone is different with very individual ways of how the needs have to be met.
Obviously the first point would be "If they can tell you what they need themselves, listen to them first." Apart from that, here are some possible things that can apply to some, but not to everyone:
speak slower or don't give too much information at once, some of us need time to process everything (unless we tell you that we don't need you to do that. As I said, it varies)
repeat important words of what you just said. This, too, is for processing everything
it's possible that we misunderstand you completely without realising it. Regularly check if we got what you said right to avoid misunderstandings.
make us aware of changes in advance and give us enough transition time. For literally everything, even if it seems absolutely small and unimportant to you. Some of us need step by step instructions to manage transitions. Every transition has the potential to cause a meltdown or badly overstimulate us
keep in mind that many of us can't tell you what our sensory triggers are, or that we're not aware that we're overstimulated until it's too much and we suddenly apparently "overreact" out of the blue. Learn to recognise possible triggers and make sure that we don't encounter them
make sure that there are enough breaks after a situation that has the potential to overstimulate us. We may not feel the need for a break, but it really is important. Make sure that we actively do things to relax/calm down, just sitting in a quiet room isn't enough. What helps varies from person to person. Some prefer music, some rhythmic activities, some swinging, some pressure/weighted things, some a massage with a spiky ball
some of us don't know what to do or where to start when it comes to easy multi-step tasks. If we can't find something, for example, and you tell us "It must be here in this room. Just look for it." we will stand there confused without knowing what to do. Better: "Lift the blanket. Is it there? No. Ok, then open the wardrobe.", etc.
try to always assume the best and take things in good faith. Level 3 means struggling greatly to communicate and to understand what's being communicated by the other person. "Just tell me" doesn't work here, very often we're not even aware that we want something to change or that we have the ability to communicate.
my parents have "yes no" cards with them in case I don't respond when they ask me something. That's when I'm not aware that I have to respond, how to respond, or that they can't read my mind. It helps me to respond without having to think how I want to respond.
always check if we're comfortable with you helping us with something. If we can speak, ask us if we need your help (but stay there just in case if we tell you no), if we can't, observe if we seem stressed or otherwise uncomfortable or angry. It happens often that carers "help" us with BADLs at a time when we don't want to do them because, for example, it's off routine. Even if you've always done it that way with us and it always was ok, it's always possible that suddenly we don't consent for whatever reason. Your routine isn't our routine.
This is what I can think of so far.
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jamesbi-canonbarnes · 3 years
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I'm having trouble connecting the emotional through line between episodes 2 and 3. In the therapy session Sam tells Bucky they can just finish the mission and then they're done with each other, after that it seems like things have cooled a bit and Bucky even starts to say, "I feel awful" before they get interrupted by Walker. Then in 3 things seems relatively fine between and they even (especially Sam) show some concern for the other?? And Bucky totally still not trying to understand Sam's POV
Ok ok mood. I’m not an expert on writing, but I do have lots of thoughts on this, so lemme talk this through w you (long post ahead). Some of these thoughts are going to be theorizing super hard about what’s going to happen in future eps so for sure take that with a grain of salt.
IMO for a show where the most interesting thing is literally just the emotional states of these two men and how they relate to each other through those emotions, their emotional arcs are not nearly pointed enough for my taste...I suspect that’s partly because we’re pulled back and forth between the more lighthearted banter and the more heartfelt expressions of their internal lives. But also bc, I think, the whole thing is that these two CANT communicate because if they DO, their emotional states will reach RESOLUTION too quickly.
And IMO, I actually think it’s the therapy scene alone that is throwing the balance off leading up to 3. I didn’t feel like threatening not to ever see each other again was earned, or at least it wasn’t clear to me where it’s coming from writing-wise. (Not that I wouldn’t support Sam cutting himself off from the toxicity of someone else’s unfair expectations, if this were real life and not a function of a written story). It just feels too far a swing of the pendulum compared to directly before and after. Sam just saved Bucky, and yes he never got to finish railing Bucky over Isaiah, but *because* that argument didn’t hit its crux, I don’t think it’s enough for most viewers to explain the kind of statement Sam makes in the therapy scene. Yes Sam does keep shutting Bucky down in a lot of ways, but we also know that before Bucky confronted him in episode 2, he was doing the opposite and trying to reach out to Bucky. So it feels a bit confusing to me. I don’t know what Sam wants, besides to be left alone, and that itself feels neither genuine nor like good enough motivation on a character level for this story. So. In lieu of any other story reason, I guess I think Sam’s reaction in the therapy scene is a way to artificially raise the emotional stakes so that the eventual resolution is more satisfying. That’s the only thing I can think, although if that’s the case, they started building back up extremely quickly.
Bc you’re absolutely correct, immediately after that therapy scene, Bucky is upset but clearly wants to communicate that to Sam, contrary to any agreement to squash it and move on. And though there’s no time for dialogue then, they approach walker/Hoskins essentially a united (though frustrated) front. And then after that and all through ep 3, though they are functionally on opposite sides of the entire zemo argument in every way, Sam basically rolls over repeatedly throughout and actually ends up expressing more care for Bucky than we’ve previously seen and also opens up to him more... and IMO bucky breaking zemo out of prison without asking and with clear premeditation was a major violation of trust, for which Sam was not afforded the opportunity to express proportional ire. (For me Bucky’s speech there asking Sam to do it for him did not hit as reasonable motivation for sam). You would think after the level of ire sam expressed to bucky’s genuine (though self centered) vulnerability in the therapy session, the level of ire to bucky’s lies and even “betrayal” (as I see it) would be notable. It should be at least above essentially saying “you’re dead to me once your usefulness runs out” which I think is the dark but fair implication of “let’s just finish this and never speak again” or whatever he said in the therapy scene. Instead he says a reluctant version of “ok, I’ll do exactly what I just explicitly said I didn’t want to do, just because you asked.”
The thing is, clearly neither of them actually hate each other. They have both repeatedly shown genuine care for the other. So why is the animosity even happening?
The emotional throughlines should help us figure that out, and vice versa. So what I’m thinking is, a throughline has to have a beginning and an end, and figuring out those can help you figure out what the points in the middle should be. Here the beginning of Bucky’s emotional throughline w Sam is clearly from a starting point of straight up misplacing his grief and aggression onto Sam, bc he’s projecting Sam as the distant figurehead of stability to replace Steve. His not understanding Sam on a personal level is the primary obstacle to his realizing and resolving that entire emotional throughline, thus the end point of the throughline necessarily requires passing through Bucky understanding Sam’s POV and empathizing with Sam. In my prediction, that empathy leads to self actualization through purposefully accessing his own feelings (rather than letting his blocked emotions break through and then ignoring both the cause and consequences of them). Then he can start down a path of true restitution leading to his own healing through healing his relationships.
IMO bucky has never hated Sam. He has always fully just been jealous of him. Jealous of how happy he is, how few problems he pretends to have, and his relationship with Steve, if you want to go there.
So because Bucky does not hate Sam, there isn’t really anywhere to go after hitting the mark of seeing Sam’s POV... besides, essentially, restitution as resolution. Bc it’s through that realization>restitution that Bucky’s going to have to face the actual issue, of who he actually hates. Only then can he heal. He doesn’t have to forgive Sam. He has to forgive himself. So that he can restore himself, which he can only do after restoring Sam.
(And, if they’re really going to go there, he has to forgive Steve. I’m unsure if that’s going to be directly drawn for us or not)
I think that bucky’s throughline will resolve itself relatively quickly after Sam gets what he needs from Bucky, hence why he can’t have it yet. So in the meantime, Bucky comes off as frankly a bad friend who is self absorbed/entitled and unwilling to unlearn white supremacy bc it requires uncomfortable empathy with a Black man.
Sam’s emotional throughline as filtered through how he relates to Bucky is a little harder for me to grasp, I’ll be honest. Obviously the end point the emotional throughline has to underline is accepting the mantle of captain America (accepting himself?) So maybe that is woven among the throughline of his journey to accepting Bucky as an ally??, but I’m not sure what the starting point even is to be honest.
I do think that what is clearer (at least to me, and maybe this is only applicable to me?) about Sam is that we as the informed audience already know an important part of why he gave up the shield. It’s very much about race. Sam has not expressed that to Bucky, but we know it. Bucky has no idea that this is about race—or more accurately, that’s it’s about trauma regarding race. He hasn’t connected Sam’s ultimate motivation to Sam’s statements and experience re: race. Sam has certainly expressed anger and hurt, but he hasn’t connected them to race and then to the symbol of captain America for Bucky, whereas they’re already connected for many viewers. I’m not going to give Bucky a pass for not connecting them because that type of ignorance is not neutral. But he clearly does not know, and he DOES keep asking. He has asked multiple times in words why Sam gave up the shield. But instead of giving a direct answer, Sam continues to shut him down, each time literally by refusing to speak and walking away. Now I tend to agree with Sam that it’s none of his business. Sam shouldn’t have to bare his trauma to explain something to Bucky just because Bucky wants him to. Especially when Bucky has not indicated that he’s willing or able to empathize with the reason. And on top of that, it being something sam knows Bucky cannot fully understand? I mean, I’m on Sam’s side here.
But the thing is, the show is setting it up so that Sam has to open up. He has to let Torres touch his machinery (metaphorically) he has to let Bucky get close to him (metaphorically). Sam has to let others in and he has to do it for himself, for his own healing. But I’m not yet sure why that’s so important for his journey, besides the obvious being this is a story about how to heal from trauma from every side.
So right now I think we’re just seeing Sam continue to drop hints both about what his trauma is and about the fact that he cares for Bucky, bc those are the important things for his resolution. This is continuing despite the therapy scene and not because of it, which I find odd, from a writing perspective. And we’re seeing Bucky miss a lot of those hints, bc he’s too busy being defensive to take them as genuine expressions of what they are, of exactly what he’s asking of Sam. That *does* make sense to me from a writing perspective. Because once he understands Sam’s POV, the throughline has to move forward toward resolution.
Idk. I just am not sure that I’m really getting Sam’s arc yet. That’s not to say that it’s not emotionally hitting, necessarily, bc I am firmly finding myself behind Sam.
And allllll of that is just to say: I agree that the emotional throughline feels a bit wobbly here, and I don’t have a way to reconcile it. I will take further suggestions if anyone has them.
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I'm so glad you’re back - Chapter 2
Chapter 1  Chapter 3  Chapter 4  Chapter 5  Chapter 6  Chapter 7  Chapter 8  Chapter 9  Chapter 10  Chapter 11  Chapter 12  Chapter 13  Chapter 14  Chapter 15  Epilogue
It's been 3 weeks. Or more specifically 22 days since the snap. Since they lost half of the universe. Half of the planet. Half of their friends.
All Natasha could do was work. She needed to do something. Anything. Anything that could help them.  She barely slept. Afraid to be alone in her bed having got so used to having her soldier there. She didn't even have sam or Wanda to keep her company either. They both were lost to the snap too. All three of her friends that she had spent the last 2 years with, they were gone. She could barely eat as well. Anything she did she couldn't keep down. Everyone left had noticed that the snap had affected her the most, just in the way she had changed since they had known her. Even Carol who she had only just met noticed how distraught she had seemed to the rest of them.
It took them a few days but eventually using the pager they found they were able to send the signal to her. And thankfully she came.
Carol felt for the woman. She had obviously lost someone important to her, they all did but she suspected it was more than just friends. She didn't want to ask Natasha directly, but she figured she lost the love of her life by the way she was reacting.
---
The white glow of the bathroom light stings Natasha's eyes as she looks up into the mirror. The blonde could barely even look at herself anymore, her own face, proof that she hadn't been taking care of herself. Bags under her eyes, the paleness in her skin. She could barely even keep food down for god's sake. She's experienced loss before, she'd been through battle, missions, and wars, but this, the aftermath of the snap. This had shaken her to her core.
Just as she observed herself in the mirror the ground started to shake. Almost like an earthquake. Almost. It wasn't the ground that started it, it was coming from above.
Rushing out of the bathroom in her room and Grabbing a jacket the blonde spy ran outside of the Avengers compound along with bruce rhodey and pepper. In the distance of the sky, she could see a small glow underneath a massive ship. It was Carol, she was back, she’d found them.
Once they had talked to Carol when she first got here, they had explained that some of their friends were still missing, on another planet somewhere. Rocket told her that he could help track his ship if she was able to go get it. It took a while but they worked to locate it and found it drifting in the middle of space. Once Rocket had confirmed it was his ship she left to go bring it back. They didn't know who she would be bringing back though. There was no way to communicate with the ship since it was damaged from the fight on Titan, they would just have to wait.
Natasha watched as Carol carefully brought down the ship and landed it on the field, she hoped they found more than 1 of them. Rocket had lost his tree friend Groot. She didn't want him to lose everyone. And god she hoped her friends were still alive.
Once the ship was steady, the ramp for the entrance came down. Stumbling from the inside of the ship was tony. Natasha instantly ran to grab him along with Rhodey. God she was glad to see him, she let herself smile for just a moment before she got closer to him, He was so thin, so tired. He'd been up there for too long.
“I've got you tony, don't worry.” Grabbing onto his arms to support him, Natasha let Tony use her as a crutch, whilst reassuring him that she could help him. He was gasping for breath, having almost run out he was gulping as much as he could. His mouth dryly trying to speak to her as they made their way down the ramp.
“I lost everyone. I lost the kid.” The man of iron sounded so defeated. Natasha let a tear fall at his words. The kid, Peter. Peter was gone. Peter was awfully sweet when she met him. God, He was only 17. Shaking her head at Tony she tries to give him a sad smile, trying to make him feel better.
“It's okay, it's okay, it wasn't your fault.” As they get to the bottom of the ramp, Natasha loses her grip on her oldest friend, letting him walk the rest of the distance to his love.
Pepper practically ran over, her arms wrapping around tony as she pulled him closer.
Natasha watched as they reunited, she couldn't be more thankful that she got her friend back but there would always be a small part of her that was jealous that they still had each other.
---
“He used the stones again?” Natasha asked the racoon. After giving Tony some treatment and letting him rest, the rest of the Avengers gathered in the common room, trying to formulate a plan. The rocket was explaining to them that the stones created a power surge, bigger than anything anyone has seen before. Something so unique that they would know if a power surge like that ever showed up again, it would be Thanos and the stones. Luckily he and nebula traced another surge, exactly the same as the snap on another planet. Far across the galaxies.
“You don't think he used them to kill people again do you?” Rhodey asked as he walked closer to the hologram in front of them.
“I doubt it. If that's what he had done we would've known about it.” this time it was nebula who answered Rhodey's question, her deep voice sounded pained at talking of her father.
“We need to get them back. If we get the stones we can bring everyone back. We owe it to everyone who’s not in this room to try.” This is it. Natasha thought. They finally found something. They had a chance. She almost thought she might have sounded crazy as she spoke since no one agreed straight away. Until someone did.
“Your right. We need to try. We have to.” it was Carol. Natasha could already tell her and Carol were going to get along well.
…..
Since Carol had brought tony and nebula home, rocket and the blue cyborg had been working relentlessly to fix their ship. And she guesses they finally did. All of the Avengers boarded the ship and strapped themselves in their seats, rhodey sat at the back, Natasha and Thor next to each other, Carol and rocket in the pilot seats and finally bruce and nebula sat down the front of the ship.
Rocket slowly flew their ship into the atmosphere and then suddenly slowed down, talking about how they were ready to hyperjump, or something similar, Natasha wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. All she could think about was getting everyone back.
"Okay, which ones of you haven't been to space” the racoon spoke up. both her and rhodey raised their hands, and then looked at each other in almost a worried way.
“ Don't throw up in my ship.”
Then they jumped.
The Russian had never seen anything like it before, it was beautiful. Space just flinging past her at light speed as she travelled through the universe. Out of instinct, Natasha turned to her right, ready with a small quip about star wars. But when she realised there was nothing there except the interior of the ship, she slightly turned into herself. She’d almost forgot that he wasn't there. It was just second nature to her now to turn to her right.
A few seconds later the ship entered another hyperspace portal or whatever it was called.
They were here.
Flying out from the ship, Carol used her powers to fly out in the middle of space, turning back to the ship she told them she would look to see if he was alone or what they were up against. To see if he had armies or defence.
He didn't. There was nothing. No army, no defence, no satellites. Nothing. It's just him
----
Using the ship to enter the atmosphere they landed it quietly in the field.
The purple titan moved slowly around his farm, preparing himself food when suddenly he was attacked, but he didn't have the strength to fight back. They had overpowered him.
As thor and carol restrained him, Bruce and rhodey used their weapons and suits to threaten him to stay where he was, Natasha walked up through the door. Marching up to the monster in front of her, she asked him calmly, to give her the stones. He struggled to reply since carols arms were choking his neck but the words he could get out left her devastated. He didn't have them. He destroyed them.
“I Used the power of the stoner's to destroy themselves. Reducing them to atoms. They're gone for good. They served their purpose.” No One knew what to believe. All shocked from what they had heard.
“No. no, they can't be. Where are they.” Natasha shouted into his face, her eyes wet with tears, brimming, threatening to fall down her cheeks in front of this nightmare creature.
“I told you. They're gone. I'm inevita-” with the swing of an axe his words were cut off. Along with his head.
Natasha gasped as she watched Thanos's head fall to the floor in front of her. He was dead.
Looking up at the axe’s owner, her eyes fell on thor. His face showing nothing but sadness and guilt.
“What did you do thor?” marching over to the god, her body filled with rage and sadness, she stopped herself in front of the large god and angrily watched him. Waiting for his answer. All thor could do was look at her in sadness. In guilt and sorrow.
“Why did you do that?” she yelled. Then he felt a blow to his chest. Natasha had hit him. To the god, it felt like nothing. But to her, it was all her pent up rage being channelled into her fists as she hit his chest over and over and over again, at the fact that he had killed the monster that had the stones.
She got a few blows into his body as she raged before he grabbed her arms and pulled her into his chest, the Russian avenger had tears running down her face at this point and just fell into her friend's arms defeated. Thor knew she was mourning for Steve and all their friends, but so was he. That's all they could do now, and they knew it. There's nothing they could do. Just mourn. This was it. Their last chance and they were too late.
The ride home was silent. Natasha sat at the back this time on her own. All she wanted to do was be alone right now, as she waited to arrive home she Just silently cries to herself. There was nothing she could do. She lost everyone, her friends, bucky, sam, wanda, Steve.
This was it. There was nothing, no chance. She lost him for good this time.
Once they arrived back home, Natasha made sure she was the first one off. Practically running back to her room at the compound so she could be alone. Not even bothering to remove her uniform before she made it to the bathroom, Natasha immediately went for the toilet, hunching over it and throwing up. The journey of travelling through space being too much for her body to handle right now, she was tired, with everything she had been through it didn't surprise her she was coughing her guts up every day.
Standing back up from the toilet, Natasha pushed herself away and back into her bedroom, her small fingers pulling at her belts, buckles and zips, releasing her from the tightness of her suit. She had changed into more comfy apparel, it was almost midnight here, all she wanted to do was go to bed and just sleep to escape the reality she was living at the moment. But as she pulled back the covers, her eye caught one of the photos she had next to her bed.
It was of Cooper and Lila holding Nathaniel when he was just a few weeks old. Looking at the photo hurt her. When they came back to new york the first people she tried to check on where the Bartons. But she couldn't get through to them. And when they went to check themselves, her niece and nephews were nowhere to be found. Neither was Laura or Clint. She tried to make herself feel better by thinking maybe they had just left but the picnic bench left outside full of food, that hadn't even been touched and a bowl of salad on the ground confirmed her suspicions.
She’d lost them too. Just looking at their faces, she couldn't help but feel like the universe had been extra cruel to her, taking away her best friends, her godchildren, her soldier, her steve.
She's known them since they were babies. She was there for Laura when she needed help, even to go get her food when she was craving something, even to help Laura through her contractions when she was pregnant with Lila. She remembered every second.
As Natasha reminisced about Laura and the kids, she almost froze on the spot. Dropping the picture, she took a few steps back.
Natashas breathes were getting deeper and deeper as she let her mind race with the facts.
Everything she's been going through. She was tired, sick, more emotional, she hadn't cried this much ever, she assumed it was because of Thanos and losing everybody but this was different, she'd seen this before. With Laura. All three times.
But it was impossible. “I can't- it's not possible,” she whispered to herself. Not believing her own hypothesis. She needed to make sure. She knew for a fact it wasn't possible but she couldn't get the nagging feeling out of her head. If Laura was here she’d know what to do, Natasha thought.
Natasha waited about an hour before she left her room. She assumed everyone would be gone by now, back to their rooms, thinking about their lives and futures and what they were going to do know.
She was doing the same, she needed to know if it was true.
She had to know.
Heading down to the medic lab, Natasha quietly let herself into the clinical room. Rushing over to one of the holo-screens. She used her hands to activate the AI.
“Friday, I need to you to do a scan on me.” she took a breath before she spoke. She couldn't believe what she was about to ask.
“Of course miss Romanoff, is there something wrong? Should I alert the others.” Fridays Irish accent sounded out over the speaker com.
“No! Everything's fine, I just need you to scan me, I just need to make sure.” no one could know about this not right now.
“Yes miss Romanoff, what scan shall I perform.”
“An internal one, mainly across my stomach.”
“Certainly miss Romanoff. “
A light flowed down her body as the artificial intelligence scanned her. Slowly analyzing her internal organs for any signs of her suspicions.
“Your scan is complete.”
Once Friday had stopped talking, her scan glowed in the dim room.
There it was. In black and white. Well, the blue glow of the hologram.
PREGNANT - POSITIVE
Natasha couldn't help but let out a gasp of surprise. It couldn't be? How is it possible. This can't be right. No, it can't be, not without steve here. She refused to believe it.
“Friday run it again, you can't be right. Just run it as many times as you can. “
A few more minutes went by but it felt like a lifetime. She knew what Friday had said but she needs to check. She had to. There's no way she could do this right now, not without Steve. Jesus, as if life had not been cruel enough to her. Not only had her friends been taken but now she may face the possibility of raising a child, their child on her own. In this terrifying new reality, Thanos had created.  She was in the middle of thought when the sound of the AI popped up again.
“Miss Romanoff I re-ran the scan 3000 times. My answer is certain. You are pregnant. I estimate around 2 months.“
“But how is that possible. I'm- in… I can't have kids Friday. This can't be happening, it just can't.”
“I'm well aware of your medical history miss Romanoff but my results are not wrong. You are indeed 2 months pregnant.”
Slightly stumbling backwards Natasha stops against a table, her thighs just hitting the edge at her back. This can't be happening. She was pregnant with her and Steve's child. At the realisation, Natasha's hand subconsciously rested itself on her stomach, where her child lay. She didn't know how to feel. Overjoyed? If she was a normal person in a pre-snap world, then yes. Sad? She just found out she had no hope of bringing her friends back. Numb. that's probably the most accurate feeling right now.
She shouldn't be doing this alone. This was hers and Steve's child. He should be here. He was supposed to be with her when she found out. To celebrate with her. To promise her everything in the world. To protect her and their child. He should be here. He would have been over the moon.  The thought of her child and Steve almost made her sob. He’s wanted a child of his own for as long as he could remember and he finally had it, but he wasn't here.
Suddenly behind her, she heard a noise. Turning her head to find the source
Natashas face falls at the sight of Carol. The glowing words PREGNANT still in bold letters next to her. Carol looked on at Natasha with shock and sorrow in her eyes.
The Russian just looked at Carol in defeat. There was no way of trying to explain this now, and there was no point of denying it either. Natasha turned back round to the words in front of her as Carol walked herself into the room.
“Natasha I- I don't know what to say.” Carol nearly stuttered as she spoke. She couldn't even imagine what Natasha must be feeling right now, she knows Natasha probably didn't want her to know either.
“Neither do I, but I don't think there's a lot to you can say to be honest.” Natasha couldn't move. Still froze in her same position after Carol came in, her eyes welling with tears at the thought of her near future.
“That's probably true but I'll give it a try anyway because I think you might need it.”
“I know how hard today was for you. And I'm sorry about your friends and Steve. But I think you should consider this a gift. You still have a part of him with you now. I know it wasn't supposed to end up like this and you probably never planned this. But now you have a chance to raise this baby. Yours and Steve's. Not everyone is gonna get this chance. You should cherish it. And know you're not alone.”
You're not alone. Those words stick with Natasha, she guesses that it's kind of true. This was her baby, and with it, she'll never be alone again. She had her friends that were still here.
Nodding at carol once she had finished, Carol moved a bit closer and her arms widened a bit opening up so she could give Natasha a hug. Natasha couldn't find the strength to refuse so she gladly hugged Carol back. After a few seconds, Carol and Natasha let go. Carol held onto Natasha's shoulder to comfort her until she pulled away to leave the room.
It's a depressing next few days for the Avengers. For the past 3 weeks they thought they still could have a chance but now they know they didn't, it was just quiet.
The first person to leave was Carol. She explains that she needs to help other people in the universe and that she needs to tell them about what happened and now they know there's not much they can do, she's not much help back on earth. Everyone is understanding, mainly because they want to go their own way too.
Next, are Rocket and Nebula. The last remaining Guardians. The cyborg and the racoon tell the rest they want to get back out there into space, try and get information on anything that could help them get everybody back, and also to help others.
Bruce says he wants time to himself to work things out with the hulk. After their little domestic during the war with Thanos, they needed to sort everything out.
Thor, Natasha can understand the most. He needs to find his people and find them shelter on earth and take care of his people. Thor is their king and she respects that he has other people he needs to take care of.
And rhodey says he wants to go around the earth, helping people and spreading the word of what happened. And helping to deal with the government
And Tony, well tony right now is still trying to get better since he was almost starved of oxygen and food in space for 3 weeks, but pepper was adamant when she told them she's taking him home And they are staying there till he's better. Besides, there was nothing tony could do to help now.
Natasha, of course, accepts everyone's reasons, they have their own lives, she can't expect them to stay here in the compound forever. Once everyone discussed what they were doing, the Russian avenger told them she would miss them.
“what are you gonna do Natasha?”  Rhodey asked her, it took her a few seconds to reply with an answer but she knew what she would do.
“I'm gonna stay here, at the compound.”
Everyone else looks at each other in question, almost worried. She would be all alone surrounded by the memories of all their friends that are gone.
Noticing their looks, Natasha defends her decision to them.
“Guys, stop worrying so much, I can see it on your faces, I'll be fine. Listen I can stay here as ground control, you can keep me updated on everything your doing to let me know your okay and I'll return the favour, this means we can contact each other regularly and gather information. “  their remaining teammates look around at each other again, taking in the spy's words and agreeing to what she was saying.
Natasha made sure not to mention her pregnancy, it would make things a lot harder, she didn't want to stop anyone from going on with their plans. If she left the baby out, everyone could just leave and not feel bad.
Through the course of the next week, Carol, rocket, nebula, Bruce, Thor, Rhodey, Pepper and Tony all leave one by one. Leaving Natasha alone in the compound. Just her, a hundred rooms full of memories and her baby.
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Text
Im so glad you’re back  chapter 2
So here’s my second chapter!! I was originally planning on uploading this on Friday but I couldn’t help but upload it early!!
Next chapter should be up soon and I hope you enjoy this one!
Please leave a comment and tell me your thoughts or ideas
You can also read this fic on AO3:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19045453/chapters/45375688#workskin
  It's been 3 weeks. Or more specifically 22 days since the snap. Since they lost half of the universe. Half of the planet. Half of their friends.
All Natasha could do was work. She needed to do something. Anything. Anything that could help them.  She barely slept. Afraid to be alone in her bed having got so used to having her soldier there. She didn't even have sam or Wanda to keep her company either. They both were lost to the snap too. All three of her friends that she had spent the last 2 years with, they were gone. She could barely eat as well. Anything she did she couldn't keep down. Everyone left had noticed that the snap had affected her the most, just in the way she had changed since they had known her. Even Carol who she had only just met noticed how distraught she had seemed to the rest of them.
It took them a few days but eventually using the pager they found they were able to send the signal to her. And thankfully she came.
Carol felt for the woman. She had obviously lost someone important to her, they all did but she suspected it was more than just friends. She didn't want to ask Natasha directly, but she figured she lost the love of her life by the way she was reacting.
---
The white glow of the bathroom light stings Natasha's eyes as she looks up into the mirror. The blonde could barely even look at herself anymore, her own face, proof that she hadn't been taking care of herself. Bags under her eyes, the paleness in her skin. She could barely even keep food down for god's sake. She's experienced loss before, she'd been through battle, missions, and wars, but this, the aftermath of the snap. This had shaken her to her core.
Just as she observed herself in the mirror the ground started to shake. Almost like an earthquake. Almost. It wasn't the ground that started it, it was coming from above.
Rushing out of the bathroom in her room and Grabbing a jacket the blonde spy ran outside of the Avengers compound along with bruce rhodey and pepper. In the distance of the sky, she could see a small glow underneath a massive ship. It was Carol, she was back, she’d found them.
Once they had talked to Carol when she first got here, they had explained that some of their friends were still missing, on another planet somewhere. Rocket told her that he could help track his ship if she was able to go get it. It took a while but they worked to locate it and found it drifting in the middle of space. Once Rocket had confirmed it was his ship she left to go bring it back. They didn't know who she would be bringing back though. There was no way to communicate with the ship since it was damaged from the fight on Titan, they would just have to wait.
Natasha watched as Carol carefully brought down the ship and landed it on the field, she hoped they found more than 1 of them. Rocket had lost his tree friend Groot. She didn't want him to lose everyone. And god she hoped her friends were still alive.
Once the ship was steady, the ramp for the entrance came down. Stumbling from the inside of the ship was tony. Natasha instantly ran to grab him along with Rhodey. God she was glad to see him, she let herself smile for just a moment before she got closer to him, He was so thin, so tired. He'd been up there for too long.
“I've got you tony, don't worry.” Grabbing onto his arms to support him, Natasha let Tony use her as a crutch, whilst reassuring him that she could help him. He was gasping for breath, having almost run out he was gulping as much as he could. His mouth dryly trying to speak to her as they made their way down the ramp.
“I lost everyone. I lost the kid.” The man of iron sounded so defeated. Natasha let a tear fall at his words. The kid, Peter. Peter was gone. Peter was awfully sweet when she met him. God, He was only 17. Shaking her head at Tony she tries to give him a sad smile, trying to make him feel better.
“It's okay, it's okay, it wasn't your fault.” As they get to the bottom of the ramp, Natasha loses her grip on her oldest friend, letting him walk the rest of the distance to his love.
Pepper practically ran over, her arms wrapping around tony as she pulled him closer.
Natasha watched as they reunited, she couldn't be more thankful that she got her friend back but there would always be a small part of her that was jealous that they still had each other.
---
“He used the stones again?” Natasha asked the racoon. After giving Tony some treatment and letting him rest, the rest of the Avengers gathered in the common room, trying to formulate a plan. The rocket was explaining to them that the stones created a power surge, bigger than anything anyone has seen before. Something so unique that they would know if a power surge like that ever showed up again, it would be Thanos and the stones. Luckily he and nebula traced another surge, exactly the same as the snap on another planet. Far across the galaxies.
“You don't think he used them to kill people again do you?” Rhodey asked as he walked closer to the hologram in front of them.
“I doubt it. If that's what he had done we would've known about it.” this time it was nebula who answered Rhodey's question, her deep voice sounded pained at talking of her father.
“We need to get them back. If we get the stones we can bring everyone back. We owe it to everyone who’s not in this room to try.” This is it. Natasha thought. They finally found something. They had a chance. She almost thought she might have sounded crazy as she spoke since no one agreed straight away. Until someone did.
“Your right. We need to try. We have to.” it was Carol. Natasha could already tell her and Carol were going to get along well.
…..
Since Carol had brought tony and nebula home, rocket and the blue cyborg had been working relentlessly to fix their ship. And she guesses they finally did. All of the Avengers boarded the ship and strapped themselves in their seats, rhodey sat at the back, Natasha and Thor next to each other, Carol and rocket in the pilot seats and finally bruce and nebula sat down the front of the ship.
Rocket slowly flew their ship into the atmosphere and then suddenly slowed down, talking about how they were ready to hyperjump, or something similar, Natasha wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. All she could think about was getting everyone back.
"Okay, which ones of you haven't been to space” the racoon spoke up. both her and rhodey raised their hands, and then looked at each other in almost a worried way.
“ Don't throw up in my ship.”
Then they jumped.
The Russian had never seen anything like it before, it was beautiful. Space just flinging past her at light speed as she travelled through the universe. Out of instinct, Natasha turned to her right, ready with a small quip about star wars. But when she realised there was nothing there except the interior of the ship, she slightly turned into herself. She’d almost forgot that he wasn't there. It was just second nature to her now to turn to her right.
A few seconds later the ship entered another hyperspace portal or whatever it was called.
They were here.
Flying out from the ship, Carol used her powers to fly out in the middle of space, turning back to the ship she told them she would look to see if he was alone or what they were up against. To see if he had armies or defence.
He didn't. There was nothing. No army, no defence, no satellites. Nothing. It's just him
----
Using the ship to enter the atmosphere they landed it quietly in the field.
The purple titan moved slowly around his farm, preparing himself food when suddenly he was attacked, but he didn't have the strength to fight back. They had overpowered him.
As thor and carol restrained him, Bruce and rhodey used their weapons and suits to threaten him to stay where he was, Natasha walked up through the door. Marching up to the monster in front of her, she asked him calmly, to give her the stones. He struggled to reply since carols arms were choking his neck but the words he could get out left her devastated. He didn't have them. He destroyed them.
“I Used the power of the stoner's to destroy themselves. Reducing them to atoms. They're gone for good. They served their purpose.” No One knew what to believe. All shocked from what they had heard.
“No. no, they can't be. Where are they.” Natasha shouted into his face, her eyes wet with tears, brimming, threatening to fall down her cheeks in front of this nightmare creature.
“I told you. They're gone. I'm inevita-” with the swing of an axe his words were cut off. Along with his head.
Natasha gasped as she watched Thanos's head fall to the floor in front of her. He was dead.
Looking up at the axe’s owner, her eyes fell on thor. His face showing nothing but sadness and guilt.
“What did you do thor?” marching over to the god, her body filled with rage and sadness, she stopped herself in front of the large god and angrily watched him. Waiting for his answer. All thor could do was look at her in sadness. In guilt and sorrow.
“Why did you do that?” she yelled. Then he felt a blow to his chest. Natasha had hit him. To the god, it felt like nothing. But to her, it was all her pent up rage being channelled into her fists as she hit his chest over and over and over again, at the fact that he had killed the monster that had the stones.
She got a few blows into his body as she raged before he grabbed her arms and pulled her into his chest, the Russian avenger had tears running down her face at this point and just fell into her friend's arms defeated. Thor knew she was mourning for Steve and all their friends, but so was he. That's all they could do now, and they knew it. There's nothing they could do. Just mourn. This was it. Their last chance and they were too late.
The ride home was silent. Natasha sat at the back this time on her own. All she wanted to do was be alone right now, as she waited to arrive home she Just silently cries to herself. There was nothing she could do. She lost everyone, her friends, bucky, sam, wanda, Steve.
This was it. There was nothing, no chance. She lost him for good this time.
Once they arrived back home, Natasha made sure she was the first one off. Practically running back to her room at the compound so she could be alone. Not even bothering to remove her uniform before she made it to the bathroom, Natasha immediately went for the toilet, hunching over it and throwing up. The journey of travelling through space being too much for her body to handle right now, she was tired, with everything she had been through it didn't surprise her she was coughing her guts up every day.
Standing back up from the toilet, Natasha pushed herself away and back into her bedroom, her small fingers pulling at her belts, buckles and zips, releasing her from the tightness of her suit. She had changed into more comfy apparel, it was almost midnight here, all she wanted to do was go to bed and just sleep to escape the reality she was living at the moment. But as she pulled back the covers, her eye caught one of the photos she had next to her bed.
It was of Cooper and Lila holding Nathaniel when he was just a few weeks old. Looking at the photo hurt her. When they came back to new york the first people she tried to check on where the Bartons. But she couldn't get through to them. And when they went to check themselves, her niece and nephews were nowhere to be found. Neither was Laura or Clint. She tried to make herself feel better by thinking maybe they had just left but the picnic bench left outside full of food, that hadn't even been touched and a bowl of salad on the ground confirmed her suspicions.
She’d lost them too. Just looking at their faces, she couldn't help but feel like the universe had been extra cruel to her, taking away her best friends, her godchildren, her soldier, her steve.
She's known them since they were babies. She was there for Laura when she needed help, even to go get her food when she was craving something, even to help Laura through her contractions when she was pregnant with Lila. She remembered every second.
As Natasha reminisced about Laura and the kids, she almost froze on the spot. Dropping the picture, she took a few steps back.
Natashas breathes were getting deeper and deeper as she let her mind race with the facts.
Everything she's been going through. She was tired, sick, more emotional, she hadn't cried this much ever, she assumed it was because of Thanos and losing everybody but this was different, she'd seen this before. With Laura. All three times.
But it was impossible. “I can't- it's not possible,” she whispered to herself. Not believing her own hypothesis. She needed to make sure. She knew for a fact it wasn't possible but she couldn't get the nagging feeling out of her head. If Laura was here she’d know what to do, Natasha thought.
Natasha waited about an hour before she left her room. She assumed everyone would be gone by now, back to their rooms, thinking about their lives and futures and what they were going to do know.
She was doing the same, she needed to know if it was true.
She had to know.
Heading down to the medic lab, Natasha quietly let herself into the clinical room. Rushing over to one of the holo-screens. She used her hands to activate the AI.
“Friday, I need to you to do a scan on me.” she took a breath before she spoke. She couldn't believe what she was about to ask.
“Of course miss Romanoff, is there something wrong? Should I alert the others.” Fridays Irish accent sounded out over the speaker com.
“No! Everything's fine, I just need you to scan me, I just need to make sure.” no one could know about this not right now.
“Yes miss Romanoff, what scan shall I perform.”
“An internal one, mainly across my stomach.”
“Certainly miss Romanoff. “
A light flowed down her body as the artificial intelligence scanned her. Slowly analyzing her internal organs for any signs of her suspicions.
“Your scan is complete.”
Once Friday had stopped talking, her scan glowed in the dim room.
There it was. In black and white. Well, the blue glow of the hologram.
PREGNANT - POSITIVE
Natasha couldn't help but let out a gasp of surprise. It couldn't be? How is it possible. This can't be right. No, it can't be, not without steve here. She refused to believe it.
“Friday run it again, you can't be right. Just run it as many times as you can. “
A few more minutes went by but it felt like a lifetime. She knew what Friday had said but she needs to check. She had to. There's no way she could do this right now, not without Steve. Jesus, as if life had not been cruel enough to her. Not only had her friends been taken but now she may face the possibility of raising a child, their child on her own. In this terrifying new reality, Thanos had created.  She was in the middle of thought when the sound of the AI popped up again.
“Miss Romanoff i re-ran the scan 3000 times. My answer is certain. You are pregnant. I estimate around 2 months.“
“But how is that possible. I'm- in… I can't have kids Friday. This can't be happening, it just can't.”
“I'm well aware of your medical history miss Romanoff but my results are not wrong. You are indeed 2 months pregnant.”
Slightly stumbling backwards Natasha stops against a table, her thighs just hitting the edge at her back. This can't be happening. She was pregnant with her and Steve's child. At the realisation, Natasha's hand subconsciously rested itself on her stomach, where her child lay. She didn't know how to feel. Overjoyed? If she was a normal person in a pre-snap world, then yes. Sad? She just found out she had no hope of bringing her friends back. Numb. that's probably the most accurate feeling right now.
She shouldn't be doing this alone. This was hers and Steve's child. He should be here. He was supposed to be with her when she found out. To celebrate with her. To promise her everything in the world. To protect her and their child. He should be here. He would have been over the moon.  The thought of her child and Steve almost made her sob. He’s wanted a child of his own for as long as he could remember and he finally had it, but he wasn't here.
Suddenly behind her, she heard a noise. Turning her head to find the source
Natashas face falls at the sight of Carol. The glowing words PREGNANT still in bold letters next to her. Carol looked on at Natasha with shock and sorrow in her eyes.
The Russian just looked at Carol in defeat. There was no way of trying to explain this now, and there was no point of denying it either. Natasha turned back round to the words in front of her as Carol walked herself into the room.
“Natasha I- I don't know what to say.” Carol nearly stuttered as she spoke. She couldn't even imagine what Natasha must be feeling right now, she knows Natasha probably didn't want her to know either.
“Neither do I, but I don't think there's a lot to you can say to be honest.” Natasha couldn't move. Still froze in her same position after Carol came in, her eyes welling with tears at the thought of her near future.
“That's probably true but I'll give it a try anyway because I think you might need it.”
“I know how hard today was for you. And I'm sorry about your friends and Steve. But I think you should consider this a gift. You still have a part of him with you now. I know it wasn't supposed to end up like this and you probably never planned this. But now you have a chance to raise this baby. Yours and Steve's. Not everyone is gonna get this chance. You should cherish it. And know you're not alone.”
You're not alone. Those words stick with Natasha, she guesses that it's kind of true. This was her baby, and with it, she'll never be alone again. She had her friends that were still here.
Nodding at carol once she had finished, Carol moved a bit closer and her arms widened a bit opening up so she could give Natasha a hug. Natasha couldn't find the strength to refuse so she gladly hugged Carol back. After a few seconds, Carol and Natasha let go. Carol held onto Natasha's shoulder to comfort her until she pulled away to leave the room.
It's a depressing next few days for the Avengers. For the past 3 weeks they thought they still could have a chance but now they know they didn't, it was just quiet.
The first person to leave was Carol. She explains that she needs to help other people in the universe and that she needs to tell them about what happened and now they know there's not much they can do, she's not much help back on earth. Everyone is understanding, mainly because they want to go their own way too.
Next, are Rocket and Nebula. The last remaining Guardians. The cyborg and the racoon tell the rest they want to get back out there into space, try and get information on anything that could help them get everybody back, and also to help others.
Bruce says he wants time to himself to work things out with the hulk. After their little domestic during the war with Thanos, they needed to sort everything out.
Thor, Natasha can understand the most. He needs to find his people and find them shelter on earth and take care of his people. Thor is their king and she respects that he has other people he needs to take care of.
And rhodey says he wants to go around the earth, helping people and spreading the word of what happened. And helping to deal with the government
And Tony, well tony right now is still trying to get better since he was almost starved of oxygen and food in space for 3 weeks, but pepper was adamant when she told them she's taking him home And they are staying there till he's better. Besides, there was nothing tony could do to help now.
Natasha, of course, accepts everyone's reasons, they have their own lives, she can't expect them to stay here in the compound forever. Once everyone discussed what they were doing, the Russian avenger told them she would miss them.
“what are you gonna do Natasha?”  Rhodey asked her, it took her a few seconds to reply with an answer but she knew what she would do.
“I'm gonna stay here, at the compound.”
Everyone else looks at each other in question, almost worried. She would be all alone surrounded by the memories of all their friends that are gone.
Noticing their looks, Natasha defends her decision to them.
“Guys, stop worrying so much, I can see it on your faces, I'll be fine. Listen I can stay here as ground control, you can keep me updated on everything your doing to let me know your okay and I'll return the favour, this means we can contact each other regularly and gather information. “  their remaining teammates look around at each other again, taking in the spy's words and agreeing to what she was saying.
Natasha made sure not to mention her pregnancy, it would make things a lot harder, she didn't want to stop anyone from going on with their plans. If she left the baby out, everyone could just leave and not feel bad.
Through the course of the next week, Carol, rocket, nebula, Bruce, Thor, Rhodey, Pepper and Tony all leave one by one. Leaving Natasha alone in the compound. Just her, a hundred rooms full of memories and her baby.
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