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#and now for the real jokes | //ooc
spring-lxcked · 2 months
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hi i completely forgot i had this page "hidden" on my carrd like—
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widowshill · 8 months
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it sure has been a Day, woof 💀 between breaking my glasses and now spraining (?) my ankle, I just am endless suffering. and on my idiot son’s birthday, nonetheless.
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godblooded · 10 months
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okay i’m feeling eepy i’m gonna capitalize on that and try to crash.
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deathfavor · 9 months
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HELLO NOT THE SINNERS BEING TURNED INTO CHILDREN ??? whispers oh god, poor chief...
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steadfastspirits-a · 2 years
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[ like this post and i will dump a terrible amazing cyno pun/joke in your inbox
ex, @riteburdened​ once sent me a hu tao joke: once upon a time there was a 12 inch king. he made for a terrible monarch, but he was a great ruler!
i’ve cherished it ever since ]
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spacebugarts · 10 months
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Leaf was separated from the party for a while and tonight we FINALLY got our reunion which means the party finally found out that they met Snod (snail god that gave them cool fire powers :3)
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glamourful · 1 year
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bravevolunteer · 1 year
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favorite running michael joke is his fear of bees
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withoutawar · 2 years
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remind me to talk about skrull steve when I return
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theburiedgay · 17 days
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I was annoyed at first when I realized my character would be cursed to be a tiny creature for the last 2 sessions of the campaign, but her paladin bf is being so nice to her and it's actually so cute I can't even be mad. You know what, she could even live happily ever after like that... it's actually beautiful...their love is so wholesome....
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statiicstag · 26 days
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[ tag dump ]
#【 ☓ 】 ❙ THIS BROADCAST HAS ENDED. ❙《 ooc. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? ❙《 anonymous. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ GOOD TO BE BACK ON THE AIR. ❙《 ic answer. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ MAY I SPEAK NOW? ❙《 ooc answer. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ THIS FACE WAS MADE FOR RADIO. ❙《 visage/about. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ SINNERS REJOICE! ❙《 memes&prompts. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ TUNE ON IN. ❙《 musings. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ SO ITS A DEAL THEN? ❙《 wishlist. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ NEVER FULLY DRESSED WITHOUT A SMILE. ❙《 aesthetic. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ STAY TUNED. ❙《 in character. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ ITS TIME I REMIND EVERYONE WHY I AM HERE. ❙《 abilities. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ OFF AIR. ❙《 about the mun. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ WHAT A PERFORMANCE! ❙《 dash commentary. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ SALUTATIONS! ❙《 self promotion. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ WHATS A FAVOR BETWEEN FRIENDS? ❙《 promotion. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ RADIOS NOT DEAD. ❙《 queue. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ THANKS FOR ANOTHER FORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE. ❙《 keep. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ WHOS JOKING? ❙《 crack. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ PULLING ALL THE STRINGS. ❙《 headcanons. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ CHARMING DEMON BELLE. ❙《 charlie. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ EX EXORCIST. ❙《 vaggie. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ TWISTED LITTLE MIND. ❙《 niffty. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ BITTER BARTENDER. ❙《 husk. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! ❙《 angel dust. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ REALLY BAD AT THIS. ❙《 sir pentious. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ MUCH SHORTER IN REAL LIFE. ❙《 lucifer. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ DARLING DELIGHTFUL & DANGEROUS. ❙《 rosie. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ ALL HAT&NO CATTLE. ❙《 vox. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ QUITE A TALENT. ❙《 mimzy. 》࿏#【 ☓ 】 ❙ NOBODY IMPORTANT. ❙《 the vees. 》࿏
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dutybcrne · 2 months
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Actual footage of what would happen if Diluc ever decided to try and drink
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rubiesintherough · 10 months
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.
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puthyflapps · 1 year
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What are your thoughts on the Kirin and Ivan dynamic?
I would’ve appreciated their whole enemies to friends arc had their relationship not been like tainted by homophobia and racism 🫢
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animeshotsh · 3 months
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Family meeting | Dad!Lucifer x Kid!Reader
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Summary: Lucifer wants you to meet Charlie, the only problem? He needs to go to the hotel.
PT2 Of This and a full one shot of this.
Warnings: Off Canon in terms of time | Mentions of past abuse | Cursing | Reader gets loved by everybody | Probably some OOC | SFW | Grammar mistakes |
Lucifer undertood, really, he knew Charlie was too worried about her Hotel to ever leave it alone. He also felt bad about asking her to just come home to meet you, after all he was not a present figure in her life.
"(Y/n) are you ready ?" Lucifer called you who went to him with a cancerberus plush on your hand and a backpack with some toys.
"Im!" You declared showing off your things, and letting out a smile. You were now dressed in the best quality clothes Lucifer could afford, he had to take a moment to snap a pic of you (again).
"Let not keep them waiting then" Lucifer said taking you and supporting you on his hip, his wings out.
"ARE WE GOING TO FLY THERE?" You screamed making the house shake, your hyped self could not be contained.
"Yes, what better way to travel?" Lucifer joked. The first time you two took a fly together Lucifer was distracted and ended up dropping you. His reaction time was fast so he was able to catch you, already making promises to never fly again with you but your laught stopped him, turns out you loved to fly and loved the adrenaline from falling. Lucifer found it strange but decided not to question it.
He later went to the internet to look for more information.
Once you two took fly everything felt at peace (and you two were in hell...). Demons and sinners could see their King, no one dared to mess with him. Some ignored him, others bowed and some even waved at you.
From the Sky, the city seemed beautiful in its own type of way. The fire from fights and the buildings falling apart...big neon adverstiments...
If you were honest you liked hell.
Lucifer felt your self become sleepy making him smile. This would usually happen, something about flying with him relaxed you. Maybe being with the king of hell and on top of that flying around the city made you feel Powerfull and protected, enough to make you dizzy. Closing your eyes you let the feel of the wind caress your skin as Lucifer's wings moved towards the Hotel.
~☆~☆~☆~
Charlie was not nervous, not at all!!
That was a lie. Charlie was so stressed over his dad coming to the hotel and with you no less. When he had called her and asked to meet up she had said she had too much work (and it was true) then after listening to how he wanted her to meet you and how you have been asking about her.
Her heart could not take it so she accepted, saying she would make the hotel the safest place for you.
"Husk, put the alcohol away, OH! And be sure to remove any broken glass" Charlie exclaimed getting the most are you for real look from Husk.
Any sharp object had been locked down, weapons hided away and they even took extra care of things that could fall over you.
"Angel, try to...keep the sex jokes as...."
"As good as a good suck in a alley corner after some Drugs?" Angel asked getting an annoyed look from Vaggie. "Fine, I get it. Im not a monster you know" he responded offended going for a drink only to get some appel juice from Husk.
"Princess rules" he simple said.
Vaggie was behind Charlie as she went on checking everything. This was worse than one Lucifer had first come, this was Lucifer and you. The New kid, the new lil relative of Charlie.
"And- and did we get Alastor to go out?" Charlie asked Vaggie knowing how him and his dad were not at good terms.
"Well..."
"Now my dear, why would you want me away?" Alastor asked appearing besides her. "Its because your dad its coming today? Dont worry the hotel wont suffer any type of damage" he promised bowing "or maybe a bit"
~☆~☆~☆~☆
The sound of the door being opened alerted everyone. Charlie was sweating as she saw her dad entering with a small kid on his arms. Puffy sheep skin and cat hears and tail could be seen but their face was pressed against Lucifer's chest.
"Charlie!! Its so good to see you again" Lucifer exclaimed getting closer. "Sorry, (Y/N) felt asleep when coming here" he explained looking down with a lovely father gaze at the kid.
"Oh...thats...thats fine!! We have made everything kids safe for the time (Y/N) is here" Charlie responded still stressed, however now seeing you in the flesh and not only by photos her dad would send her, her heart softened at your sleepy form.
"Well, not everything..." Lucifer let out a groul seeing the Radio Demon who stood with his usual smile.
"Greetings your majesty, I never expected to be seeing you again so soon, maybe grow a few inches instead of getting kids from the streets on your free time"
"Hahaha, oh at least kids like me" Lucifer responded going towards Alastor.
"Hahaha only because you are their size"
"Hahaha, or because I dont have that broken record voice"
"Hahaha, fuck you"
The small beef between them was enough to wake you up, looking up you first saw Lucifer's face. A very angry look then the look of another Demon, a redish one that looked like a deer.
"...are these your ears or hair?" You asked half sleep getting everyones attention.
~☆~☆~☆~☆
"Oh ignore him, we are here to meet with by daugther!!" Lucifer quickly turned around making you face Charlie. He carefully let you down on the ground and saw how you went to her.
Charlie went to your eye level, her heart beating fast. "Hello! Im Charlie, and welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!!" She cringed at her introduction, laughts from Angel and Husk could be hear at the back.
"Im (Y/N)! Are you my older sister?" You asked moving your head to the side taking her appearence, no doubt she was Lucifer's child, she had a different aura, something cheerful and good, something your insticts told you to reach for.
Charlie's mouth went dry, her eyes having now tears as she remember the story her father told her about you, about how you ended in hell. How unfair it was and how Heaven would not listen.
"Y-yes Im" she responded trying to content her tears then almost getting knocked off when you hugged her. Your soft hair rubbing against her cheeck.
"I always wanted a sister"
Vaggie had to look away to keep her emotions in check. She undertood the malice from heaven and was thankul you had ended in Lucifer's way. Her heart broke a bit seeing your small form hugging her gilfriend.
Heaven its damed she tought to herself.
~☆~☆~☆~☆~
"And this is Angel Dust!" Charlie presented you the spider Demon who was looking down as he was thinking about someone else.
"Hello Kiddo" he ruffled your hair getting a laught from you.
"You have four arms?" You asked looking at Angel who showed them then picked you up
"You bet!! And do you know what form arms can do?"
Everyone was holding their breaths now.
"Lots of ticklets!!" He finally responded tickling you. Your laught and smile resonated in the hotel. Your cat hears moving from side to side as Angel tickled you with a small smile of his own.
~☆~☆~☆~
You pulled Angel around the hotel, telling different tales you have been reading from Lucifer's private collection. Angel just nodded at you, he took note of how your eyes would light up when you were talking about a favorite character or a special part of a story.
It melted his heart.
"I want juice" You suddendly said stopping and making Angel almost fall over you. Luckly he was able to catch his balance.
Juice? Angel thought then smirked looking at a very sober and pissed Husk.
"Here, this one makes the best drinks and im sure he has some juices for you" Angel said taking you towars Husk who was giving Angel a very do not dare look.
"Uhhh, he seems scary" you said softly looking at Husk while Angel seated you carefully.
"Scary? Pff he is just sober" Angel said getting a confused look from you.
"I mean-"
"What would you like kid?" Husk asked keeping his voice with no emotion. He had hear you said he looked scary and honestly, that was funny. By the fact that you had touched Alastor's hair and ears earlier and you got the radio Demon to almost break his cool.
Yeah not scared over the radio Demon but scared of him? You were something.
He passed you a juice with appels. You were quick to forget your fear as you sipped the drink looking at Husk. "I liken your wings"
Husk looked a bit suprised but soon relaxed giving you a easy smile.
"I like your horns...what are you?" He finally asked getting an annoyed look from Angel.
"Well...im not sure?" You responded now feeling shy.
"You are a sinner my Dear!" The voice of Alastor echoed as one of his shadows picked you up keeping you from touching his hair again.
"And who are you?" You asked back macking Alastor glitch, static forming around him but then going away.
"Im Alastor, the Radio Demon! I have a show, maybe you ever listen to it or you prefer these boxes..."
"You mean tvs?" Alastor nodded "I used to watch a bit during mornings but...my father hated when we did it he would scream at me and-" your voice broke making everyone look towards you Lucifer almost going for the Demon's neck.
"Oh you poor thing" Alastor said deep down (very deep) feeling bad. Memories of his own life coming to haunt him. "Then here!" He made a move and a old fashined radio appear "this radio hosts only my shows, and no one will be angry at you because you listen to it" He said smiling at you, his shadow still holding you and playing with your horns as Alastor watched Lucifer for a reaction.
"Uh...thank you Mister" You finally said getting a lick from the shadow itself.
"No problems Dear and if you ever need a New dad you know for who to look" He smirked at Lucifer.
"But Lucifer its my dad..." you responded, radio in your tiny hands "...could you be my uncle?" You asked innocently ignoring who you were talking to, one of the most powerfull Overlords in the circle.
Alastor moved his head his shadow getting you closer to him, he took a moment to examine your soul. So pure and so...so unlike him.
Alastor could be chained to someone, but right now the only one who could hold a leash on him was you.
"Of course Dear" he finally responded taking you from his shadow and to his arms.
"And can I play with your hair?"
"Hahaha, absolutly not"
Lucifer was being hold in the back by Charlie and Vaggie sending daggers to the Demon.
~☆~☆~☆~☆~
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literaila · 3 months
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one in the morning
gojo satoru x fem!reader
summary:
"satoru. where did you get these kids?"
warnings: slight angst, awkward child rearing, a bit of arguing, and pining (of course), slightly ooc gojo
a/n: because i am a sucker for little megumi
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*
year zero. year one.
it's not that you're not expecting the call. except that you're not. 
like not even a little bit. an asteroid coming down and destroying only you and your apartment building is slightly more likely than satoru gojo calling you in the middle of the night, like he hasn't done in the last six months. 
the last year, really.
a year ago you would've known who it was immediately and probably would've cursed satoru out for calling you at three in the morning to see if you wanted to go get ice cream with him (and then you would've gotten up and put on your shoes to find him outside of your room, already grinning). 
but now you have to check the caller id. 
you blink around in the dark--struggling through the dregs of dream you're still waking through--and sigh. 
unfortunately, you've never had quite enough willpower to ignore this phone call. shoko has called you an idiot many times--too many times, actually--telling you that satoru's attention-seeking habits are not your responsibility. not that she's had to say that in a while, though... and it's not like you're going to sneak out in the middle of the night with him anymore--you can't sneak out. you have your own house. there’s no yaga to look down on you disapprovingly here. 
and he hasn't called you in six months. you haven't even heard about him beyond some irritated remarks from yaga, and shoko's knowing glances when you try to nonchalantly bring him up.
and still. 
it takes you a moment to pick up the phone, your thumb hitting the answer button before your mind can stop you. 
"satoru?" you whisper, listening to the breathing on the other end. 
there's some muffled moving around, and then a breath, and then someone in the background speaking, and then-- 
"i need your help." his voice is quiet like he doesn't want anyone to hear what he's saying. 
what time is it? have you ever heard satoru say those words before? 
your first thought is that he's on another mission. that there's a cursed spirit and he needs some assistance. but when has satoru gojo asked anyone for help with a cursed spirit? when has he ever needed it? suguru was typically there to keep him from-- 
you pause, sitting up in bed. this might be a nightmare, but usually, you're more accustomed to them. "where are you?" you ask him, speaking in the same soft voice. 
you expect him to name off some city, some house, some country that you couldn't possibly get to. you expect him to crack a joke, say something to you about being lost without him, or laugh at how serious your voice sounds. but he only murmurs, "at your door." 
like it isn't a completely crazy thing to say. how does he even know where you live? 
"it's one in the morning," you say, frowning. some small part of you wants him to actually be there, expecting a knock to come from the void of your hallway. and the other, much bigger part, thank you, wants him to be joking. 
"i know," he sighs, and the receiver is muffled again, and then, "can you open it?" 
"what's going on?" 
"please," he repeats. there's no joke to this. this is not satoru asking you if you want to go get donuts at six in the morning, or milkshakes at midnight. "i'll explain. i just need your help." 
you bite back some remark about how he hasn't needed your help for the past year. about how he hasn't called, hasn't texted, and hasn't even asked about you since-- 
but you stand up, trying to untangle a knot in your hair. you hang up on him without answering. your heart gets a bit of satisfaction from that. 
and go to your door, giving yourself two seconds to prepare for the real-life satoru in front of your face. blue-everything eyes, you think, wall white hair, and a stupid smile. 
but when you open it, your eyes drift to his (sort of) like they're already sure of where exactly he might be, it isn't just him. 
there's a little boy--as tall as satoru's waist, with dark hair and furrowed brows to match--standing in front of another little girl--the same dark hair, but blank face--glaring up at satoru like he's kidnapped both of them. 
your eyes widen as you realize that he probably has. 
"this is basically every kid's dream," he's telling this boy, his playful voice like they’ve known each other for years. "i got you candy and i'm letting you stay up late. why aren't you normal?" 
"why aren't you?" this boy retorts, and his voice is hard. unreasonably sarcastic for such a small person. it might make you giggle, the obvious tension between the two of them, if you weren't so worried about these kids' poor parents, freaking out at their disappearance. 
the little girl is the first to notice you there, and she waves, her face much softer, much more exhausted than the boys in front of her. but she doesn't look frightened; not concerned with wherever this strange man has taken the two of them. 
and satoru looks up at the motion, his mouth turning as he looks at you. 
the little boy frowns, but his eyes settle. there's a brief moment where he watches you and you think that he's about to start begging for your help, but then it's gone. and his eyes trail back to satoru, still angry. 
you blink, swallowing at the three of them. this is not ice cream.
"satoru," you get out, eventually. "where did you get these kids?" 
*
"okay," you set a glass of water on the coffee table, trying to put on a normal smile. your hands are shaking, so you tuck them under your sleeves. "i'm sorry i don't have a lot of extra blankets, but if you get cold i'll go look through some boxes and see what i can find." 
it's been ten minutes with them inside your apartment, and you already feel like you're doing something wrong. satoru, obviously, just briefly introduced the two of them to you, before you grabbed his arm and dragged him--along with the kids that trailed behind--into your apartment. 
you'd hissed at him about how it was cold, and one in the morning, and they needed to be asleep. he only smiled and asked how you were. 
so now they're cuddled up on your couch, with your only spare blanket, both of them with dreary eyes. you're trying not to look too closely--to check if they've been crying, or if they're harmed in any sort of way.
the little boy--megumi--nods and tsumiki smiles at you. 
how four little eyes can look so appreciative, you're not sure.
satoru is leaning against the wall behind you, watching you move around these children like it's normal, and you have to bite your tongue to keep from screaming at him.
"is there anything else you need?" you ask them, trying to be softer than you are. you should’ve taken that babysitting job when you were twelve; you’re completely out of your depth here.
megumi shakes his head. 
"no, we're good," tsumiki says. 
and you seriously want to get them to a hospital. where did they come from? why does satoru have them? is he insane? are they insane? have you just dreamt this all up?
"okay, satoru and i are just going to go talk in the kitchen for a bit. come get me if you need anything." and you smile again, taking a couple of hesitant steps as they both look away from you to the show that tsumiki put on when you handed her the remote. 
at least they're not outside anymore.
you drag satoru into the kitchen, thinking about knocking the wind right out of him. he's always been particularly punchable, but right now he's even more so. 
and he's smiling adoringly at you. 
“satoru," you grind out, trying to keep your voice down. he leans against your countertop, crossing his legs. 
and he hums inquisitively. “you know, i don’t think megumi likes me very much.” 
“satoru.” 
“not sure…" he scratches his head, white hair falling over his sunglasses. "i mean he’s kind of a weird kid but still. i took them to the store to pick out anything they wanted and neither of them got anything. even when i showed them the different cakes they had in the bakery. there were matcha rolls today, too. do you think they’re robots or something?” 
“satoru. where did you get those children?” your voice is a step away from furious. 
why is he here right now? why does he just barge into your life at unprecedented moments, acting like nothing has changed between the two of you? 
acting like you haven't missed the sound of his voice or the way he speaks with his hands, or how he's standing right next to you, warmth radiating off of him like a toxin. 
“is that important right now?” he asks. “we’re talking about their spending habits.” 
“i’m talking about you. tell me that you didn’t steal them from the park and that i’m not obligated to report you.” 
“are you serious?" he shakes his head at you, his voice still teasing, calm as ever. "you think i’d just take some random kids home with me?” 
“i don’t know!" you tell him, finally breaking--your voice is raised, and you almost don't notice. "i don’t even know how you got here, or where you’ve been in the past six months, or whose children those are because they are certainly not yours.” 
he pouts. “you don’t think they look like me?” 
“you’re too pale.” 
“that’s rude, you—“ 
“whose kids are they? now, satoru.” 
you hope your face looks intimidating, but honestly, your demand is more like a suggestion when it comes to satoru. he can listen or he can leave. 
you don't know which one you want more. 
there’s a beat of silence where he rubs his foot on the ground, messing up your tiled floors probably. and then he sighs, relenting. “…toji zenin’s.”
he could’ve said anything else and you wouldn’t even care. oh, he found those kids abandoned in a warehouse on a mission? cool. oh, he found some long-lost cousins? great. if it were anything else, you would've waved him off and told him that he needed to get them new clothes, or something. 
but this? 
“what?!” 
“shh. you’re the one who said they need to sleep," he tries to look around the corner of your hallway, even though you both know he doesn't need to.
you’re gawking at him, but, really, can it be helped?
“toji zenin?!”
“well technically fushiguro according to the records i dug up. but zenin nonetheless...” 
“you stole his kids?!” 
“i didn’t steal—“ 
“he tries to kill you so you kill him instead and take his children hostage?!” 
this would be a wonderful moment to wake up.
satoru waves this statement off, frowning. “you’re really brushing over the ‘tried to kill me’ part. what? you don’t care about me?” 
“why do you have them, satoru? what are you planning to do? torture them for information?" your eyes are wide and your heart is panicked. "they’re kids—“ 
he scowls. “of course not.” 
“then what? tell me everything, starting from when toji tried to kill you.” 
“why do you automatically think i did something?" he complains. "it’s not like i asked zenin to kill me first. i didn’t bait him into slicing my throat open.”
“because you always start the problems.” 
“not true. sometimes i solve them, and sometimes i—“ 
“how did you find out about them?” 
he sighs. “he told me about megumi, before he, ya know,” and then he makes a motion across his neck. and a terrible noise that supposedly indicates death. 
you don't even mock him for it “why?” you ask. 
“megumi might inherit the zenin technique. he’s worth a lot to the zenin clan, and i guess that toji made a deal with them.” 
“you guess?” 
“well, it’s not like i had a whole lot of time between the resurrection and murdering thing to ask him. i didn’t invite the guy out for tea so he could tell me about his pride and joy," his voice is riddled with sarcasm, so you can't decide if he's joking or not. 
he is the most infuriating person you've ever met. 
“so what? he asked you to keep megumi away from them?”
“no, he didn’t seem the sentimental type. maybe he told me cause he didn’t want megumi to grow up there, or maybe he told me so i could claim the prize money for myself.” he shrugs. “it doesn’t matter.” 
you glare at him. “oh, it doesn’t?”
“no. i asked megumi what he wanted and this was it. he doesn’t want to live there and leave tsumiki behind, or have her live in that misogynistic shithole.” 
“how old is he?” 
satoru almost winces. "uh, six?”
“you don’t even know how old he is?” you close your eyes, shaking your head. 
“he’s in first grade! we haven’t gone through all of the basics yet.” 
“and tsumiki?” 
“…nine.” 
“satoru.” 
“i’ll figure it out. megumi acts like he’s fifty years old anyway, so what do i care?” 
you can practically see him rolling his eyes. 
“what do you care?" you repeat, mocking. "you just told me that megumi made this decision for himself. he's a kid. he probably doesn’t understand—“ 
“he understands that if he goes to the zenin clan his sister will suffer in whatever way they deem fit. i mean, you know what it’s like for girls there—especially without any cursed energy.” 
“you cant just make this decision for them on a whim, satoru. have you thought any of it through? where are they going to stay? who’s going to watch them when you’re sent away? where are they going to go to school? what if megumi does inherit his cursed technique?” 
“all of that doesn’t matter. i'll figure it out," he waves off the topic of their lives like it's a mere suggestion, "what matters is that i keep those kids from being subjected to a life of servitude and competition. that they get to be kids while they can.” 
you swallow. is there a way not to be frightened by this? “i know—i know where you’re coming from," you give him a weak smile, trying not to yell, or fight, or question this so much that satoru shuts down. "it’s nice of you to be… worried about them. but this isn’t like taking in a lost kitten, satoru. these are children.” 
“do you really feel the need to point that out?” 
“yes. what do you know about kids?” 
he smiles, wide. “nothing!” he exclaims. “that’s why i came here. and you’re already doing a great job.” 
you frown. “what do i know about kids?” 
“well, you like them, don’t you?” 
“what?” 
“when we went to that daycare center during second year you played with all of the kids. you like them," he nods as if affirming it himself. 
you went to a daycare with satoru once to take care of a grade three curse and apparently, it's led him to insanity. 
“you’re comparing my hide-and-seek skills to taking care of those two kids on my own?"
“i mean, i’ll be here too...” 
“taking care of three children on my own?” you correct. 
satoru pouts. 
you think about what suguru told you after riko amanai died; about satoru and the shift within him. some sort of manic strength he hasn't uttered a word about since. 
but you continue, swallowing. "what's this really about?" you ask, softly, trying not to be mad, or worried, or concerned about why he came here to you. "it's not like you to... take responsibility for something you're not responsible for." 
his pout turns into a frown. you can see his brows furrow. "you don't think i'm capable of helping people?" 
"i know you're capable. but why? why now? i mean, it's been a year since toji died, and you're just getting them now? you suddenly remembered what he said to you?" 
"i had to figure out the logistics of toji's deal." 
"okay," you shake your head, "but still. why not have a family take them in? find someone who can give them a relatively normal life before they're pushed into all of this?" 
satoru's face is blank. "no. what happens when megumi is eight and his new 'parents' put him in a hospital because he's seeing things that they can't?" 
for the first time since he's walked through your front door, he sounds almost serious.
"i--" 
"what happens when they're afraid of him because he draws in cursed energy? when his 'family' rejects him like yours did? like suguru's did?" 
"satoru." 
"honestly, do you think that's any better?" he gestures to your living room, to the kids he's proclaimed responsibility for. "if he does inherit his technique then the zenin clan will go looking for him anyway, and he won't be able to protect himself because there was no one to teach him how. no matter where he goes he's going to be ripped away from tsumiki, who seems to be the only thing he actually cares about. he didn't even want to know--" 
"is this about suguru?" you ask him, the words falling before you can catch them. 
satoru stills. you can see every one of his muscles tense. preparing for a fight. "what?" 
"are you trying to... make up for his decisions? do you feel guilty? is megumi supposed to replace him?" 
"replace him?" 
"i know you think that you can take care of everything on your own, satoru, but you can't. it's not your fault that toji died. and it's not your fault that suguru left--" 
"it is my fault." he says, so softly the words are almost caught before they can reach you. "it is." 
you shake your head. you should've had this conversation months ago. a year ago, before any of this could happen. 
"c'mon, y/n," he continues, no laughter, no smile, no swagger. "i saw what was happening. everyone did. but i was his best friend. i was supposed to be there for him." 
"suguru didn't want you there. he didn't want you to be a part of it." 
"well i could've stopped him. even if i couldn't save suguru--" his voice cracks on his name. "i could've saved everyone else. but i didn't." 
"that's... that's a ridiculous suggestion. how are you supposed to kill your best friend? why should you have to save everyone? why would you even--" 
"megumi isn't some replacement. he's a little boy, and if i'm not there for him then he's going to be stuck with his family. just like i was. he's going to be used for his cursed energy and who knows how he'll turn out? if he'll kill people recklessly like toji, or die trying to do the right thing?" 
you're silent. 
"i'm the only one who can protect him from this," satoru says, and you realize that he's been thinking about this for the past year. that every second since he almost died, this has been on his mind. "they're not going to touch him if i make it clear that i won't let them. i won't--i'm not going to let him become someone he doesn't want to be." 
you sigh. "satoru..." 
his body moves at your voice and he smiles again, shaking off whatever anger you drew out. it's almost a complete shift in who you're talking to. like the stakes no longer matter to him; these kids are just another obstacle to face, a power to control. 
like he's remembered the role he's supposed to play. 
"besides, someone's going to need to take over for me eventually. i might as well train him myself." 
you cant see his eyes, and that’s probably good. you wish someone else were here to take your side, explain to satoru that he’s just a kid himself. that he shouldn't have to take care of everything on his own. 
because when it’s just you, he always has the upper hand. he always gets his way. 
"okay," you say, eventually, after you realize that you'll never win this fight. that you don’t want to fight with him at all.
"okay?" he repeats. "so you'll help me?" 
"help you?" 
"yeah. why do you think i brought them over here?" 
you pause. "you want me... to what? raise them?" 
"with me, yes." 
"are you kidding?" 
"no. you're probably the only person i trust to help." 
the words do something almost indescribable to your body. the person you were a year ago would've cried out in relief, would've clung to him like glue to paper. 
but you frown instead. "seriously?" 
"you've already taken care of them better than i could. look." he drags you around the corner to where tsumiki has her head on megumi's, both of them snoring softly, folded into the blanket you gave them. 
the tv flickers in the background, bothering neither of them. how they've managed to fall asleep with all of the yelling that's been going on, you don't know. 
"see? they already feel safe around you." 
"they're exhausted," you correct, but feel yourself soften at the sight of them. they are kinda cute without the scowl or concern plaguing their faces.
"we're going to be great parents," satoru coos, slinging an arm around your shoulder. 
you push him away. "we are not their parents. we are... permanent babysitters. nannies." 
satoru fixes you with an amused look. "okay." 
"and you still owe me an explanation. i want a complete narrative about what you've been doing for the past six months. and how you found the two of them." 
"okay," he steps closer to you again like you won't notice. 
"and--" you don't have anything else. it's one in the morning. how clear is your mind supposed to be? "and you're paying for anything they need." 
"uh huh." 
eventually, you sigh. it's a surprise that you've lasted this long. "fine. i'll help you. but only because they'd probably die if they spent more than twenty-four consecutive hours with you." 
satoru doesn't say anything--not to whine or roll his eyes--and it's a small acknowledgment, a thank you he doesn't have to say out loud. he'll take this win, at least. 
the two of you watch them, relaxing into the wall. 
after a minute satoru whispers. "by the way..." 
"what?" 
"i didn't tell megumi that i killed toji." 
you turn to him. your eye might as well start twitching. 
"what? he said he didn't want to know--" 
*
you're sneaking into the kitchen when you notice him sitting at the table. his hands are crossed in front of him, his eyes focused on a stain you haven't been able to get off of the wood. 
he's very small, you realize, watching him. his hair is messier than it was the night before, sticking to his head like he slept slumped against it. 
he's not doing anything, really. just sitting there. you can see his legs swinging in the air. 
and before you can prepare for what to say to this little boy who you're probably going to be spending a lot of time with, your mouth is open. "hey," you say to him, just whispering. 
tsumiki must be sleeping. 
megumi looks up, quickly, like he wasn't expecting you to be there. his eyes are wide like he's been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. but then he slumps down again and gives you a brief nod in acknowledgment. then looks back down, because the table is very interesting.
you wonder how many mornings he's woken up alone, with no one to tuck him back in.
"can't sleep?" you ask him, standing across from him and leaning against the table. 
"this is when i usually wake up," you recall his voice the night before when satoru was teasing him, rougher than a boy's should be. but it's soft now, quiet. 
it's probably seven if the clock on your bedside table is to be believed. 
"you were up pretty late, though." 
he almost rolls his eyes, remembering the events of the night before. 
and you can tell that he doesn't really want to talk to you. he doesn't know anything about you, or what you want with him. why should he trust you? 
you clear your throat. "how old are you?" 
he looks up again. "six. why?" 
"satoru wasn't sure." 
this time, megumi actually rolls his eyes. you're familiar with this sort of annoyance directed at satoru, so you smile, just a little bit. at least there's something you can relate to. 
"and tsumiki?" 
"seven." 
you nod, stepping away. 
what do you say to a boy who has been dragged into your home by a maniac? 
you sigh, clearing your throat again. "are you hungry?" 
megumi's eyes narrow. there's a brief second between the two of you, where some sort of understanding passes through his eyes. who was the last person to make him breakfast? 
and then he nods, slowly. 
you smile. "okay. c'mon, let's see if i have anything you like." 
*
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