being chubby means there are wars going on in my mind every single day with millions of soldiers dying

fallout tv show ghoul discussion

the only thing i dislike about the show is their retcon of ghoul lore- everything else is a banger i had a great time but the lore changing the ghouls baffles me, as it retcons and changes literally every other game in the franchise. its funny, im not mad about it, im ok with the show having different lore than the games. i just hope they make it clear that its an AU kind of thing haha mainly because if someone gets introduced to the series from the show, and they go off to play the games, theyre going to be confused. so, what are the changes? well-

in fo3, theres an entire side mission involving the underworld, where the ghouls there really hammer in that the rumors like; that they regen and so can only be killed by headshots, that they eat people, that they can go feral at any point, and that they're zombies.

all of this is just propaganda spread by the brotherhood and bigots to justify murder and genocide.

none of it is true. they bleed and die like anyone else. but in the show, these things are not rumors, and they are completely true. cooper constantly has to take this drug from a vial that prevents him from going feral. theres no explanation on where this medicine came from, who makes it, whats its made out of, etc.

so, while in the game, turning feral is unknown, seemingly at random (theories range from genetics, lack of socialization, insanity, radiation exposure, and time) and ghouls dont just- randomly turn feral. but in the show its enevitable and therefore the hate towards them is justified. the only things that are special about them is that they; age much, much slower than non-ghouls, that they can heal faster using radiation. (to my knowlege, they still need to be patched up. they do not just regen. they can still get shot to death, or maimed. they just heal a little faster.) and they need more potent drugs, as it doesnt affect them as strongly (mentioned in fo3 by some ghouls in a subway) the changes made in the show heavily changes the stories of a few characters and places in the entire series.

for fo3: changes the entire underworld. these ghouls cannot leave this place. if they do, they're shot and killed immediately by the brotherhood nearby. they discuss how they're discriminated against. in the fo3 dlc, point lookout, the ghoul there presumably hasnt left the manor he lives in for well over 200 years. he wouldnt have access to these vials. tenpenny tower. their ban on ghouls would be justified then. the entire narrative involving the water purifier and putting the serum in that will kill off all mutants. with the changes the show makes, the decision whether or not you do this has no weight and eradicating mutants becomes justified. for fallout new vegas: dean domino. he hasn't left the Sierra Madre in over 200 years. he wouldnt have access to these vials either and would have probably gone feral a long time ago. for fallout 4: diamond city. diamond city's ban on ghouls wouldnt be an issue anymore. since in the show, ghouls cant die aside from headshots, the ghouls being thrown out into the wastes to the elements wouldn't really be as heavy of an issue.

(i cannot comment for fallout 1 and 2, as i am not as knowledgable about the ghouls in those two games. feel free to add on in reblogs if you know more about them than i do)

i love the show, i think its awesome. im basically consuming it now with the idea that its canon -within its own story and lore- and is separate from the game itself. cooper is a badass and the changes work for the show itself, not so much the entire series. which is fine in my eyes.

god i honestly hate when theres an article or passed around statement (that may or may not be true) about how [really common food/ingredient] is ~secretly bad for you~ because like. god do yall really wanna die hungry and unsatisfied bc you stopped consuming anything that wasnt Three Specific Vegetables and bottled spring water? this isnt even like a "you MUST eat chocolate, wine, three loaves of bread, one pound of rice, and a pan full of bacon grease EVERY day" but like...dont you get tired of abstaining from shit completely bc it has the potential to cause problems in the future? like having a sandwich with white bread once a week will not kill you, i promise. and its just....hm...food is something people created because generally speqking humans like variety, different tastes and textures and the like. food constantly evolved because we Wanted to expand our palates, use new spices and fruits and herbs and meats, like its a very human thing! if our ancestors didnt on some level crave bread (and other carbs) they wouldnt have gone to the trouble to keep experimenting with the ingridients. additionally a large portion of cultures and nations on the planet have Some verion of bread so like...cmon now.

and before anyones like omg shut up youre literally fat 🙄 i did in fact do the rigid restriction, keto, no-drink-but-plain-water thing for a while and it made me feel physically and emotionally awful and is still affecting the way i view food to this day. i am so fucking lucky to have access to a wide variety of diverse foods, im not going to rob and starve myself out of some misplaced desire to assign morals to food groups. like idk maybe its just me but i honestly think there will come a point when almost every food will be slapped with a negative label by Someone, and obsessing about it seems needlessly stressful. like have some cornbread baby, eat your mother's homemade cookies, have some of your niece's ice cream cake, i promise it wont kill you!

(do not come into my inbox talking about x, y, or z diet created with the intent to lose weight bc i promise i do not give a fuck)

“In another life”

Those were the words Simon gripped onto, dying words that he wouldnt let go of. Those words kept him going

When the sniper had gone limp it seemed as of Simons whole world shattered

If took a while, hell- a long time for Simon to get over Sunshines death, it seemed that the crimson blood still tainted his hands from when he first- and last, held the sniper close.

With the new way Ghost was preforming in battle, Price had weighed his options. Ghost had become somewhat sloppy yet affective. Through all the mangled corpses and the wounds inflicted on the grieving man there were obvious deeper intentions than wanting to get the job done.

It seemed that Ghost wanted someone to get their own job done and finish the man killing machine

Luckily some wishes do come true, especially Simons.

He could tell he was dying, with the black spots forming and drowsiness hitting him hard Simons was ready to give in to the sweet release of death. One release that would hopefully lead him back to the one person he could call home.

He was greeted by a bright white light and a weight on his shoulder.

“You’re not supposed to be here” a soft spoken yet rough voice pierced the silence, one voice to recognizable. One that Simon missed more than he would admit

“Sunshine?”

“Y/n. Youve known me long enough to call me that, Simon.”

A flutter bursted in his chest, and although he wished to turn to see the (insert gender) face something stopped him

“-I’ll say it again, youre not supposed to be here..” and glint of sadness was heard with the familiar voice.

“But, Y/n I-… died, I died.”

“Its time you wake up, Now”

“What?-”

“Wake up.”

A stabbing pain is what he was met with when Simon sprang out of bed, he was met with a familiar white light and tools, the doors that were open led out to the hallway

A cleanish and Vinegar smell hit him hard when Simon leaned back onto the soft white pillows

“Someone finally woke up” someone spoke- well not someone, the Infamous Saint spoke before starting again “Someone left a note on the stand, didnt say from who.”

As the tall(?) doctor stepped out of the room Simon painfully leaned over to grab the nameless note

Opening the envelope and pulling out the paper and unfolding it, simple words were written

“In another life”

———

OK SO LIKE TEHE, fhis was lowkey really bad but i suck ass at writing relationships cause that just aint my thing right- so woooo

SANO!?!??!? pain

PAIN

SANO THIS IS FUCKING PURE PAIN MY HEART IS HURTINF

PLEASE

PLEEEEASSSSEEEE

ALSO HOW U GONNA TAKE THE PLOT TO TWILIGHT NEW MOON AND MAKE IT HURT SO MUCH

Okay i don't have the brain power to watch the rest of NRN NAT video but god that first half was horrendous anyway here's my "Reason You Suck" Speech for anyone who cares

Okay i actually got so railed up about this i got a headache so i need to counter argue to many of your points about Steven. Starting with something i see a lot of people not realize and is that yes, indeed, all endings ARE canon. This is pretty clearly explained by Henry in the secret tape (you get it from fishing it out the ballpit or from the dodo, both very annoying methods so i dont blame anyone from missing this) and it explains Jack's soul is one with time powers that will revert time based on regret. With this, we know not only EVERY ending and game over is canon but also something Jack remembers.

Keeping this on mind, Jack's obvious bias towards Dave compared to Steven MAKES sense, because there's no timeline where Steven is nice unless he's doing it out of being forced to do so (owing you a favor). On top of that, there's another detail: Jack DID know about Dave's backstory!

When he learned it is obviously not clear but there's to places where its implied he does, in fact, know about it: Dee's fight, obviously, and Jake's backstory. In Dee's fight she asks him for confirmation on whether this was true and he's like "yeah" meaning this isnt news for him, and in Jake's backstory he talks about this EVEN if he didnt go to the flipside or heard the tapes, meaning that at some point he had an honest heart to heart with Dave about his past and such.

Now, relating it back to Steven: I feel that they cannot even be fucking compared. I think Steven would be better compared to the other two phone guys we see making a decision like this, those being Harry (ironically the one who made Steven) and Peter. I mean, Roger and Jake are also in the same situation, but they're just following what their boss says so they cannot be counted in.

Peter for his part is an outlier, because he's the first Phone Guy we EVER see decide to not send someone to the factory (that being Jimbo), completely ignoring what this would mean for him (if anything, since we don't really know if there are consequences or not). Harry and Steven, obviously, did send their respective coworkers there, but there's a main difference: Steven was utterly remorseful about this while Harry kind of... thought genuinely this was a good idea?

Which does say a lot about how Harry views himself but it also says something about Steven: that he's a fucking coward. Which we did, in fact, know, but this reinforces it.

Steven made a choice by his own voalition, and i don't think this is even fair to compare with Dave. Dave was being abused and manipulated by his father figure and the only person who had ever been nice to him, the only person he thought he had in the world. He was regretful too but he really wanted to trust Henry because what did he have if he left? Steven on the other hand is not being "molly cuddled" by anyone but a manual.

This isnt to say Steven isnt tragic, he is! He, like everyone else, is a complex and tragic character who did unfortunately go quite unexplored, but he's also a bad person because he chooses to be so. He'd have been like Peter, he'd have broken the cycle, he'd have done anything a man aware of the weight of his actions could do, but he didn't, because he was scared!

Also i must point out this very cowardice also reflects on his own violence because to say he's not as bad as Peter is just plain bullshit. Peter was a bit more festive yes but he at least let you Pee On Slides and Gave You Warnings. Steven kicked me in the fucking springlocks because my puns were bad. That guy was brutal and cruel but also wouldnt dare to kick Jack's ass if he was out of that stupid cool cat suit.

So, to wrap this up now that my blood pressure went to safe levels again: when you look at the whole picture Jack's feelings towards Dave and Steven are not entirely unjustified. The way that tangerine goes about doing anything at all is highly questionable though but he's like everyone else just a flawed individual. And that's what makes this franchise so compelling

So to summarize:

"If Azazoth wakes up the universe ends" and "Shiva could Dr Manhattan anyone and anything out of existence by looking at them"

are mythologies that can and should co-exist, and picking just one is yet another example of FGO finding the one wrong answer and going with that.

they kept the shiva dr manhattaning ppl out of existence thing but ONLY for kama and ONLY to make shiva look like a colossal dick as well. like lets be real here if you were actively grieving your dead wife (who killed herself protecting your honor against her father no less), had made it explicitly clear you weren't ready/in the mood to remarry even if it was to her reincarnation, and some guy tried to love arrow you to get you to fall for said reincarnation anyway you might lose your temper! and he DID bring kama back to life as anaga as an apology in the actual myth, they just made it happen by accident in fate bc...idk screw the idea of a god trying to make up for hurting someone else i guess? this is off topic tho ghkldsf

like ideally if you wanted to make every religion canon AND absolutely had to bring powerscaling into it youd probably have it be something like current faith of believers+overall cultural impact+age of actual religion/myth/whathaveyou so you COULD give cthulu mythos some weight when up against like...idk the greek pantheon as it DID have a marked effect on specific styles of horror (ie it invented a new one) and is sort of known by most people in a pop culture kind of way (in that it is more relevant to the current cultural zietgiest than greek mythology. this is a bad example bc greek mythology is also still wildly popular just as the stories but ykwim). that being said no one really actually worships them, so actually having them square off against gods is...silly for lack of a better word?

and to use my previous example, if you wanted a like cthulu vs zeus showdown using the parameters i mentioned while its true that lovecraft mythos is much more well known/current to today and operates on a much larger cosmice scale, greek mythology and the culture it created HEAVILY influenced other mediterannean cultures which in turn heavily influenced a whole bunch of other cultures and that would need to be taken into account even if zeus is 'only' a thunder god. (ignoring that he was also actually worshiped, and for a far greater period of time than any lovecraft god)

so like, keeping all of the cosmic scale of the lovecraft gods but going 'uh well actually none of the other gods are like how you heard they were' is annoyingly inconsistent. even with whatever excuses they have re: sefar or whatever its just...bad storytelling. why is this one made up pantheon the only one exempt from their own rules, and why is it the one that actively seems to go against the franchise's general themes of the human spirit? it just BOTHERS me lol like picking and choosing when to follow or break their rules isnt at all new to fate but i think the fact that out of all the god pantheons they couldve left unaltered they chose the one invented by lovecraft touched a nerve in me.

this is all a very long way of saying that if azazoth DID exist and DID have all those powers it wouldnt even matter if he woke up bc the minute he even thought about stirring all the other equally omnipotent omniscient all-powerful gods from across cultures would simultaneously flip him off so hard hed cry

1658.

What is in the back seat of your car right now? a box, a coat, umbrella, box of tissues and more shit tbh. i need to clean.

What was the last thing you threw up? i dont remember the last time i threw up actually!

Menthol or regular cigarettes? i dont smoke anymore but when i used to, it was strictly menthols

What is your favorite episode of Friends? hot take but i dont watch friends. ive tried before and just didnt find it funny

Does anyone have any blackmail on you? no lol

If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be? i wouldnt, i havent had a true celeb crush in so long! if any celeb was the ‘package’ it would be wentworth miller but he’s gay so i wouldnt stand a chance 

Have you been to a strip club? never! i actually cant believe i havent

Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? yes

Are you wearing socks right now? nope, its a cold night too

What was the last thing you had to drink? water

What are you wearing right now? pjs

Last food you ate? pizza

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? yeah i bought a few new dresses for the warmer seasons plus two upcoming weddings

When is the last time you ran? haha like 2 weeks ago?

What’s the last sporting event you watched? im watching a football game while doing this

Last person’s house you were in? my fiances

Last movie you saw? catwoman. yeah, its as bad as they say it is lol

Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? andrew

Ever go to camp? while i was in school, yes

Were you an honor roll student in school? we didnt have one at my school. they would honour first in class for each subject

Do you like sushi? yes, one of my fave foods

Do you have a tan? not right now

How old do you want to be when you have kids? im already 31 so hopefully i can get pregnant after the wedding next year

Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? of course

What is your age? ^

Are you someone’s best friend? yes

Where is your dad right now? at home What was the last thing you said? oh well

What color is your watch? rose gold

What do you think of when you think of Australia? home? lol

Ever ridden on a roller coaster? yes

Favorite gemstone? diamonds for sure. i never used to really care about them but after getting engaged i just cant stop looking at it

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru

Do you have a roommate? no Do you have any bad habits? complaining lol

What is your favorite number? 7

Do you know anyone named Lori? yes but spelt differently

What color is your mom’s hair? black

Do you have a dog? not anymore :( i miss him everyday

What happened to you in 1993? i was a toddler

Does your first memory involve your dad? i remember him coming home from a trip once and me running through the hallways to hug him

Do you remember singing any songs as kids? yes of course! i used to have disney singalong video tapes lol

When was the last time you went swimming? april

Has your luggage ever gotten lost? yes lmao. i got talked into checking in my hand carry luggage and of course it got lost. it turned up a week later and the airline delivered it to my house

Biggest annoyance in your life right this minute? losing weight in time for the wedding :(

Have you ever thought it would be cool to smash a guitar? nope, id just feel guilty

Do you like watching a bonfire? sure

Are you allergic to anything? dairy

What is one thing you miss about your past? not having to worry about anything

Do you ever get flu shots? i actually dont. knock on wood but i havent had the flu in years

Favorite shoes that you wear all the time? black huaraches 

What is one thing you’ve learned about life recently? not to worry about work. 

Are you jealous of anyone? no

Is anyone jealous of you? haha no

Yeah we Explorer fans get crusts shdhfnsns

Ngl I mostly read Shovelbug for my fics,, I highly reccomend his stuff !!

Also like- so many people like tall dudes. Onyx is the tallest Explorer!! What's not to like abt him??? (Apart from the fact that he's a major red flag and probably can break you in half. I'll take those odds.)

Don't feel sorry abt spaming my DMs,, Idm it at all shsjsj,, I'll actually be able to reply on time,

Also that is true, Zir does look like the type to drink protien powder and does 10 push-ups before calling it a day,,

Also that meme is so accurate.

Ngl for me Zir just gives off the vibes that he'd live off of (or just like) protien powder and creatine (I think he reminds me of my brother to an extent, so that might be another reason),

I have a screenshot where my friend says smthng like "He (Onyx) looks like the type to gym, feel sad, and lay down on a bench" somewhere in my camera roll, but I can't find it-

OMG YEAH !! I think I remember someone recommending Shovelbug to me on my side blog (ever since that day, my life has changed) and i think i was scrolling through one of their fics when I came across one of yours (i think it was the amethio hcs one) .

Tbh, I feel like if you were somehow to get w Onyx, he wouldnt be much of a red flag. Just...expect a few fights every so often here and there. STOP I JUST HAD AN IDEA. It's linked w Onyx training and stuff but like I just have this feeling that if you were to have some rival, Onyx would like slap their face onto a punching bag and beat the shit out of it 😭😭😭He gives off "If my bae's got opps, they're my opps too" sort of man.

STOP OK ANOTHER WEIRD SCENARIO TIME: Ok, in my home country, we mix milo (yes the powder) and rice as a snack (PLEASE DONT JUDGE HELP) and i can just see Zir doing the same thing. Like he mixes protein powder in with rice or steak or even his salad cuz its "eating healthy". Conia and Amethio just look at him weirdly but he doesnt care.

STOP BAHAHAHAH

NO CUZ IMAGINE ONYX MID BENCH PRESS JUST BEING HIT W A MIDLIFE CRISIS AND THEN THE WEIGHT JUST FALLS ON HIM.

Sango finds him laying down on the bench half an hour later cuz she was looking for him to open up a pickle jar or smth, and even through her screams, HE DOESNT HEAR HER.

Speaking of Onyx, I have this little theory for him:

He seems to be walking with an arched back and I feel like thats part of his character in a way. Like you said, he's the tallest Explorers member and his build is quite strong so I think that he suffered a similar fate to Grusha. (being injured from sport and being put into hospital for some time) But unlike Grusha, he never got the mental and physical therapy so instead, he turned to other means of getting better and thats how he joined the Explorers. One of Hambers grunts or Hamber (or even Gibeon himself) promised Onyx that he would regain his strength overtime if he helped them. Another thing that you said was that he seems like the type of guy to have a dislike for protein powder and stuff like that and it gave me another theory, the reason why he doesnt like it is because he ended up using some form of drug thats similar to try and get himself back to his original health.

I COULD BE READING TOO MUCH INTO THIS BUT ITS JUST INTERESTING

Intellect over emotions its strange how i see how me and wife are on different plains of existence on this planet. She is very emotional and i may express how happy i am to be around her but man those triggers for her are like a landmine field and navigating and astroid belt all at once. I try not to be hooked on the negative of the pst anymore because if you stay hooked on the past it weighs and slows down your future. In my wife’s case she would probably only tale that as letting go of a long term relationship and not look back which is sad, im alot like a loser in most cases in my life but man does she and the kids make me feel like a winner. Thats whats important. Family and defending them truly being there for others is a privilege cause there was a time when Neanderthal clans would just kill each other because they were on their land. I would like to believe that the people i am choosing to be around are evolved enough to recognize and practice this. Im not like most of the people i see. Not really. I could be but that type of grit cause with a certain title of weight and baggage that just seems illogical, if people put half as much effort into doing true positivity instead of negativity we would be way farther off, maybe even chillin on different planets traveling the time belt like surfers, its weird how some energy can be so positive but like a crest and trough it changes like a phase mapping cube marking positives and negatives. Instead of trying to trigger people just help them. My wife wont clean up vomit and i wouldnt ask her to, i want to give her backrubs and be around her, but i am also needing deeply a mastermind group that doesnt focus on negativity but positivity and positive outlooks and outcomes. I know i am no longer the same person in many many ways that i was before, if i could just break that final layer, i would blossom into a burning star radiating positivity and creation for all. I dont honestly like the person that most of the people around me make me into no judgement other than the fact that they have control over my power, who am i becoming if i choose bad ideology over good being and actions. I am pretty sure i had a revolver pointed at me today playing russian roulette i felt no fear but more like really is this what you call positive good and the future for your kids. I dont get why people dont get it and how honestly how easy it is to push people to negative heinous actions even, if those same pushers put that towards positivity we might actually have a chance, the motto the stongest defense is a powerful offense is a thing that should be deeply reflected on, after all youll stick up for a true mentally ill patient but not a dickhead, you would rather records karens and mad maxs instead of being like bro do you need someone to talk to maybe a keyword healthy night out. Do you live double lives, i dont, i genuinely want to be a good person, and just be harmonious with society, like be my friend not my judge and jury be my confidant and not my tale teller, teach me good things and help me step away from unhealthy habits and lifestyles, and be like bro i think your about to make a bad choice, if i was exposed to the world i would like a big scary moron whos to dumb to have a thought, but i have thoughts and maybe one day would like to get of this “mood stabilizer” and be in complete control over my emotional responses not responding like a cold computer but in amanner that is like an angel who sees you may have had a bad day or week or month or years and i can help make your life better not worse or kill your vibe but make you cry with tears of joy, maybe people will call me sofety or unexposed to “the real world” but if thats your real world why arent you doing something to change for the better so your kids dont go through what you went through, just saying take it from a world class fuck up, make better choices.

stomach pain, guilt

i ripped the bandaid off and ended my relationship. I did it over text, which makes me an absolute asshole. I just had to get it done with because I was not able to in person, and I'd tried. Its not too much of a shock she was angry about it. she's often angry and aggressive. I just thought she may be a bit more understanding.. but it was still spun onto me saying because there hasn't sex, that our love wasn't valid. which is not true at all. it was the fact that I felt invisible, I didn't have any control. I was abandoning my friends. We woke up in the morning and she wouldnt even make eye contact. She would leave the room and just expect me to follow her, because everything was in her control. Yeah maybe I could have just taken the wheel sometimes, but no, I couldnt. it had to be her thing, or what I would do would be wrong for her and I'd feel stupid. She never called me any sweet names or treated me like someone she adored. she was dry over text, unless it was her conversation, or about pets. and even then it was still dry. we would sit not talking at all, until a pet came around and then we played with them. she immediately told me what would happen to our shared subscriptions. like it was her first thought. tried to guilt me for not asking how she was, but it was so fast.. she was obviously angry, so how could I have asked right then "how are you?" obvi shes mad.

I feel a sense of relief that I can go back to how my life was. Being surrounded by people who give me the emotional support I need. True freedom to be home whenever I want, or be with a friend whenever I want. I don't have to text anyone all day everyday about nonsense. I feel bad, but its almost like I'm losing weight. I feels weird being single again. Theres pros and cons for it. Pro is that its best for my mental health. Con is that I still love her and want love in return. but she could never show love in the way I needed. Eye contact, smiles.

HELLO 18/09/23

HELLO T'IS ME AGAIN. Been doing pretty good, i watched the one piece live action and its very good amazing i loved it so much, i started reading the manga and over 2 days ive gotten to chapter 9 so this will be a very lengthy process. got my english papers today v good v good. i had science twas swell. and maths was mediocre, irish i had a free class. ok so i have a list of peoples code names incase they find this they wont be able to figure out this is about them or if their friends recognise them. so without further ado i introduce "Greaseball" hes not too funny, hes kinda racist aswell, theres not too much to him tbh, also were glossing over the racist thing bc its mostly ppl saying the n word bc its not too common to see someone not say it, generally beacuse they dont realise the weight of the word or just because they can. but anyways i guess i should also introduce "apricot" the worst person consistently in my life i wouldnt be sad if they got maimed honestly hes that bad. apricot = a pricot = a pric = a prick i know im a genius right. but anyways apricot goes up to greaseball and says, "hey i saw a video of you licking your toes in the river." LIKE WAHT??!??!? EXCUSE ME? AND THEN TURNS OUT ITS TRUE. HE IDNDT EVEN TRY TO DENY IT HE JUST SAID " Oh yeah" crazy shit man. nothing much happened after that except greaseball said he did it cuz he was bored. nothing too much happened, i might talk about a situation with a sub tmr bc there will be a lot of goss. anyways hope you have a good morning, day, or night xoxo

i think, at the end of the day. it’s about being stubborn.

i’ve been feeling the urge to run away, like i always do. the fear of opening up, of being seen, of having someone look inside those rusted, grimy parts of me and saying whatever they will about it

i deserve love, even with all of those scraped edges and cigarette butts sitting at the bottom of me.

i’m practicing doing that for myself. even when i’m throwing myself a pity party, when im carrying heavy things, when im bogged down and shook to the core by the people around me.

truly, what i must do, is keep going. that’s all i can do

to look every day in the face, even when it’s overcast, and thank the sun for showing up for everyone.

maybe it should be spite, if that’s what drives me. that sounds too negative. 

i told him its like a scab. you see it, you feel the bump, but you pick it anyway, out of habit. it bleeds and it hurts, oh god it hurts, but you keep doing it.

time heals all wounds but people pick scabs, i suppose.

i dont even know what im trying to say

i guess what im trying to say is that i see it. i see it when i force myself up in the morning and clean myself, when i look in the mirror and am kinder to myself than i was 5 years ago, when my dad smiles at me and his crows feet deepen, when my friend looks at me with giddy surprise or laughs at a joke i made, the deep pull of connection i feel sitting next to people i love. my mom sitting in the drivers’ seat, handling the grief of a divorce, the weight of the world sitting on her chest, telling me that i need some goals. telling me that i am loved, freshly out of the psych ward. telling me that it hurts to know that her daughter wanted so badly to be no one at all that she would actually try to make it happen.

but telling me she loves me anyway. always.

i worry all of the time. i say mean things to myself all of the time. i tell myself there’s no hope all of the time. but i’m still here, somehow.

im stubborn about the world, and the way i know it has love woven into the very fabric of itself, how i know that when i am telling myself that my love will never last, that things were born to die, that the earth is screaming and crying and pain is the only constant

i know that’s not true, otherwise i wouldnt still be here.

i am making a vow to myself, right now. I am going to be as stubborn as it takes to keep myself open to love, and light, and companionship. I am not a lost cause. i deserve love and i will say i love you back to the love im given, without a second thought.

i will not let myself fall victim to the world around me, i will stay soft, and i will choose to believe, every day, that the world is good. that people are good. and that the only thing that ever was and ever will be is love. the ugliness, the grime, the fear and pain, the cavities and the sore pimples, the anger, the guilt, that i hold so much of, comes from a place of, and was always heading towards, a place of love.

something i need to remember is that my anxiety, my fear, and my panic, come from a place of loving the world so much, of wanting so badly to live in it the best way i know how, that it terrifies me when i feel i am not doing so.

its all love, baby. and i need to be gentler with myself.

I’m sad, i cant even write a fucking complaint anon’ on the internet right. without accidently deleting the whole thing. im tired of bringing those around me down. im tired not being the first want someone feels when they have free time. im tired if feeling this mental soulful thirst for someone to fill the void in my chest by truly wanting and loving me. im tired of hating being alone im done im emotionally exausted and simply only surviving. and its not getting any better. 

i think about running away 

but even if the people change i cannot fill the void in my chest.. 

I can say its from xyz, but idk really what the void is caused by, or why it happened. but 

thats why i dont want to be alone. because when im with someone i love my chest doesnt feel that weighted space, i call my void. 

i cant feel that gasping dry thirst for acceptance, for being wanted-

being wanted is a good thought. 

i dont know one people who i truly say wants me. because idk a single person who knows how truly painful my heart is, and how must i suffer, and how im spritually dragging my feet along -not knowing how many more steps i have in this walk of my will to live. 

idk anyone who i could trust, that could see my ugly colors and my abusive crys for help and actually still want me. 

i dont even want me why the fuck would i believe anyone else would.

i just want sweet sweet release. that beautiful word. releasse. im tired i dont want to play this cry game of life anymore. the game is over and ruined for my character. let me donate to someone who can use my privileged healthy body, that i am not worthy of. let my soul rest and release from this pain it squeezes tightly. let my soul relax and not feel any fucking desperation

why do i love nature and animals so much is because it feel like what ldove would be if i was to be able to be loved. 

i can love but not be loved because no one person on the planet could make my void heal. 

no one would have me if they knew 

knew all the uncomfortable things i am, do , or feel 

i wouldnt be respected or held to the same light anymore

im tired of being a disappointment to my spouse. my self and my family. 

im tired of being a disapointment to myself 

im tired of the weight of being dissapointed in myself 

my ego of myself is chained to my ankle drowing me in the dark of the sea while i suffocate in all im lacking. 

a smoke will make me feel less pain less sad

but i wish i could not be so weak 

weakness is not what gains me love

its not what my spouce or friends would love 

im a strong act. supposed to be bubblegum pink and cotton candy, brick that sheild from pain and someone who others can depend on to look after them. 

my childhood hurts

my child

me child

childme* hurts. im tired of letting people down, i love n so very much but he deserves so much better then me. i only pain everyone who loves me. and i dont say hurt. i cause worse. pain. internal pain that doesnt heal. because im a cancer in the life of happy people and yet i dont want to hurt them. yet if i was a good people i would hid from my loved ones and let them move on, friends fam and n, so then they can keep me in the past where i cant suck the soul out of them anymore. that would be the true defintition of loving someone. love gives you the strength to hurt yourself at the reward of knowing they can move on and heal from me and bloom again without me. 

my period. 

brings up all the pain i feel to my lips and finger tips.

f the spelling f the punctuation. f the lot of it. i just needed to direct my emotions as i feel them and release them out on to surfaces they can infect. 

i want to be worthy of him 

and make him smile 

make him feel trust that i love him - but i cant make - anyone - feel. that part is up to them but i wish he could see. how my love for him brings me to tears. that fall to my smile being loving him is the closest ive ever felt to filling the void. its given me the ability to feel what i imagin i want to be felt for me from someone else. 

thinking about how much i l o v e him brings me peace in my chest and makes me think this is the feeling i missing inside. and altho not a perfect fit. it fills me with enough to no longer be exhausted by the void,despair,and dissapointment in myself. 

loving the dogs gives me the same feeling almost. 

only them 

the dogs and n make me feel like life is spring blooming instead of exhausted drowning. 

but i hurt who i love 

and it hurts me to hurt them 

hes better off without the constant nag and need and despair making him feel like hes inadequate. 

he feels that way because i get overwhelemd with emotions from others or other thoughts and lash out. or in the moment high expectations and then its almost what i call a manic. moment. where i emotionally think unlogically. and then when i come down i realize how stupid i am and how its not okay 

saying he wants to live together, but i know we wont make it to that. im not that lucky to have a perfect pleasant prince of himself to want to be with this damaged potato sack . 

i am chaos, 

im tired of chaos. 

tired feels the same as chaos 

so i am infinite chaos and nothing felt so right in my gut to say but im a chaotic void

time for a smoek

a few my hero academia headcanons (mostly kirishima, kiribaku, and bakusquad) (3rd year)

kirishimas laugh is a very wonderful sound that everyone fucking adores, so lots of people think hes flirting because he laughs a lot but he isnt lol

i believe all the bakusquad can sing but their all shy so they pretend to be really bad but theyre all closeted theater kids so when 'the room where it happened' from Hamilton played one night at karaoke night they all sang and hamonized and everyone freaked the fuck out

bakugo and denki cross dress because it makes them feel powerful and they are often seen in fashion magazines and shit

kirishima is best friends with bakugos parents and all of katsukis family adore eijirou

bakugo cries the second any kind of animal or child is hurt in movies

adding onto that ^ bakugo loves kids, more so as he gets older

kirishima will go to interviews for really important people, but because of his adhd he forgets important shit so he has to call bakugo while in the interview and ask and they always keep the clip because he always puts him on speaker

kirishima will put on classical music but like really nice music and dance with people in the dorms. hes danced with all the girls, and was caught slowdancing with katsuki once at like 3am on a saturday (aizawa cried like a little bitch)

all of 1a calls aizawa dadzawa by the time 2nd year rolls around. like, if someone calls him aizawa now he thinks hes in trouble or someone died or some shit.

kirishima can handle any kind of spice because one of his mamas is half latino and so he basically grew up with lots of spice. bakugo challenged him to a spicey wing eating thing and they ended up having to stop because bakugo ran out and threw uP BC HE WASNT GONNA LOSE OKAY

kirishima will escort young ladies home if they feel unsafe, or he will just scare the shit out of men who harass anyone

sero becomes super fucking popular with ladies like everyone thinks hes hot and he doesnt know why but like- BITCH- ..... he is so fine, next

bakugo and midoriya go to therapy together and work shit out. kirishima ends up having to go with bakugo to therapy a lot bc he says he gives him the courage to open up and not feel weak 🤨..... idk sounds kinda gay to me

a majority of class A has a mission near an animal shelter, and damage is done to the shelter and a really dangerous aggressive dog starts running at mina and bro this dog- this dog is fucking BIG like wolf big and out for BLOOD and is so loud and kiri, ya know, grew since first year and is now like a tank like 6"7 and 300 pounds of muscle and so he gets infront of mina and just goes "HEY!" in a really fucking deep like angry as shit voice and makes himself big and the bear of a dog immediately flinches and runs back into its kennel. and everyone kind of freezes and looks at him, and hes like "jeez, i didnt mean to be so loud" and bakugos like "oh no that was the hottest thing ive ever seen in my life" anyways

bakugo can cook, kirishima can bake

bakugo gets super bad sensory overload sometimes when hes had an especially bad experience with a quirk or something and will have meltdowns about his clothing or how sweaty he is, or how loud his quirk is and how bright it is and kirishima will help him. when it first happened everyone handled it really well, and turned off the lights, and momo made him a weighted blanket and noisecancelling shit and kirishima put his head on his chest to help him match his breathing and shit. v wholesome.

kirishima and bakugo got in a super big fight near the beginning of second year when bakugo was in a bad mood and called him weak again and kirishima blew up on him and told him how he wasnt gonna let katsuki walk all over him just because he feels insecure or weak or whatever and kirishima got super fucking pissed because bakugo got defensive and told him he shouldnt take it so seriously and that it was true and he needs to get stronger and kirishima was like fuck you, at least i admit i have some weaknesses to overcome, and some things that need to be fixed, and they were both hurt and shit but bakugo wouldnt apologize so he stopped talking to him for a while. and then kirishima kept teaming up with midoriya and working together and bakugo confronted him and was obviously trying not to cry and apologized and shit

^ adding onto that. kirishima is equals with bakugo, and will always be equals with bakugo. he never ever comes back crying first, and he always leaves bakugo alone until he apologizes. thats called being partners bitch, and bakugo tries his best. they barely ever argue, unless its about mac and cheese or some shit

kirishima loves calling bakugo pet names, and bakugo will absolutely never admit to anyone it makes him feel like the strongest person alive, but he will to kirishima

kirishima called bakugo "puppy" once while he was sleepy and bakugo broke down crying because he didnt know why it made him feel so nice. kirishima felt horrible. they werent even dating yet 💀

when minas bored she'll teach one of the boys a dance and make a tiktok with them. bakugo is surprising good at dancing.

bakugo, kaminari, and kirishima are the absolutely fucking hilarious when left alone together.

bakugo is super innocent so everyone will ask him random questions at the most random times just to see his whole body blush red and he turns into a grandma, like "bakugo how do lesbians have sex" and hes like "WH- WHAT THE- EW!!! GROSS I DONT KNOW! WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT!!! YUCKY!!!"

bakugo has to have braces for a year and then wears a retainer and kirishima likes it alittle too much while everyone else thinks he looks fucking stupid

denki will go wake up aizawa and sleep in his bed when he gets sick or has a nightmere. present mic will make denki breakfast if he comes to the dorms to find his spot taken.

mina and bakugo are barbz, and so is kirishima just much more on the DL.

kirishima and bakugo can talk telepathically by the time they get to 3rd year, so they always make up the best excuses. also they have really weird nicknames that only they get. kirishima did make the mistake of joking around and saying he wants to be called big daddy boss man and bakugo wouldnt cook for him until he had a written apology.

bakugo really loves cuddling but doesnt know how to ask for it so he just acts like a cat and headbuts kiri and sits on him angrily until he gets the message.

Schrodinger’s Game Theory: The Fate of Daud

Ever come up with a theory, and then halfway through creating it, the evidence changes and so you’re stuck with a lot of well-put-together ideas but nowhere to go with it?

Anyway, I did that with Daud. Lol.

I just rediscovered a whole ass rant in my drafts (which is now in the link above for private viewing and judgement PLS read it, if you’re missing some context to this post) that I clearly spent a lot of time and energy on, where I came to the conclusion that Daud in Death of the Outsider is actually a imposter/doppelganger, and it was because of the writing from the book contrasted the writing in DotO so poorly, that I came to believe this. I was like, VERY convinced prior to Billie’s book coming out that this was, in fact, a viable game theory. !00%. There was a chance that out there, somewhere, Daud was still stuck in his mind, and needed someone to come rescue him. Stranger things have happened to explain characters coming back from the dead in a video game, okay?

Somewhere along the line, though, it stopped being game theory and was more like, a fan idea. I had collected enough evidence to come to the conclusion that my theory wasn’t sound. That, and Billie’s book released, and there’s no way I could argue that. Instead, imposter!Daud moved to Fan Theory, something I could fictionally, write about, put into an AU.

But... Just because it’s probably not true in the scheme of the game doesn’t stop me from thinking about it, from wanting to talk and share those ideas with others. Even if, at the end of the day, they hold no water and it wouldn't matter because, well. If Billie’s book is to be considered post-DotO canon, then there’s no reason to believe my theory would hold weight. It wouldnt matter, because Daud well, he was left for dead either way. Nobody was coming to rescue him. I’m sure there’s plenty of questions people have in response to this, the most chief one being

“If its not Daud how is he in the Void talking to the Outsider and Billie at the end of DotO??”

And my usual response is: the end of Return of Daud saw Daud becoming trapped within his own mind, through a trap laid by witches from the very beginning of the book. That meant, even if his physical body was still, well, physical, he was trapped inside his mind.

I proposed that out of survival, well, a sliver of his mind would hole itself up in the Void, maybe even be stuck there (this is not so uncommon as it appears; think of what happened to Jessamine in the Heart). Once the spell on his mind and the Outsider were gone, the sliver could return back to his mind. And he’d still be alive.

From a gamer perspective, looking at the mechanics of the game, and everything else, it makes sense. I’m sure some people would say this theory would ‘cheapen Daud’s death’ and I would refute that by simply saying ‘all of DotO cheapened Daud’s death, and despite being a playable character in the franchise he dies unceremoniously off screen and we just take Billie’s word for his death to heart.’ Nothing cheapens a death faster in my head than ‘time to renege on this character’s entire past arch and have him die off-screen.’ His death was ruined far before they went into the Void. If anything, this would give Daud a change to explain himself. 

But I digress. I actually did do a stupid amount of research on this. And what it all really boils down to is that there was bad writing involved in DotO when it came to timeline consistency and quality checkers not checking for that, + the book having been rewritten like, twice, to keep up with what Arkane was changing in DotO in real time.

That’s post marked 9/25/18. I’ve had this theory sitting around for a long time. I enjoyed it. I find it compelling. But ultimately, it was me trying to save Daud, in my mind. Would it be cool for the witches to have stolen Daud, replaced him with a dummy body Eyeless/Envisioned, given that dummy body his memories, and then, when it had outlived it’s usefulness of sending Billie astray, the magic broke and it perished? Hell yeah it would have been cool. and honestly, according to the books, it was a viable option! They could do all those things. You can’t tell me that

Billie can steal faces,

Emily can create copies and

They witches had access to a gemstone that can make prisoners of their own mind/see the thoughts of others,

and NOT immediately think that they’d try and replicate one of the strongest Marked to ever live. The one that TRAPPED DELILAH, no less. And because the witches messed with Daud’s dreams at the beginning of the book (it’s subtle, but its there, its like, you see it on the reread sort of thing), that’s the whole reason he thinks the Outsider is supposed to die, so of course the double would fervently believe the singular obsession that brought Daud into a trap in the first place...

I’m digressing again. Anyway.

What does this mean for Dear old Daud?

It means Daud canonically died, and it was shitty and poorly written and I’ll be salty about that until the day I die because some schmuck on twitter wrote one singular essay and Harvey Smith decided ‘you. you’re the one who needs to write this story’ and then we got Corvosider fanfic in a Dishonored game and I wanted to die. It doesn’t help that this writer was notoriously pretentious and shit-stirring in the fandom at-large BEFORE their hiring-- anyway, this isn’t a salt piece on that. I AM SALTY ABOUT IT, but I’m not the person to discuss it at length. Just know that that’s why some of the narrative decisions in DotO are so out of fucking whack, and we all have to deal with it.

MOVING ON....

There is still... a very slim chance. To save Daud.

Realistically speaking, this chance will never occur. It’s clear and obvious that Arkane has no plans on returning to the Dishonored universe, so despite all these loose ends that Arkane left and all these pieces that need to be picked up and all this lore that’s been reneged on, there’s really not much of a chance that we’ll see, say, Billie, return in a game that is specifically designed to save the timelines. Which, honestly, would be fucking baller. I want a game where I play as Billie, where the shattered timespace of Dunwall is saved by her capable hand, and Emily is free to rule for decades without having to fear that the Isles will fall into the Void like it’s Deimos falling into Hell in DOOM. We KNOW the timelines are saved because we KNOW that Emily has a long and Just (or unjust, if you went high chaos lol) Rule over the kingdom. That can’t happen if, just three years down the line, Billy is running all over the place trying to make sure time doesn’t break at the seams.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Because of how Daud meets Billie in RoD, we know that a Billie three years into the future (’YOUR future,’ she tells him) is trying to save his life. There are other timelines she’s saved already, for sure. Including saving Daud in the past, saving Corvo and Emily in the past, saving Granny Rags in the past -- basically, saving all the Marked from coming to an untimely end. And then, after all that, she goes back in time and tries to save Daud, tries to save him from being poisoned by witch magic and falling into a trap that is triggered when he touches her Future version of the Twin-bladed Knife. She goes through a sort of Groundhog Day scenario, where she confesses that she’s tried hundreds of times to save him, and she couldn’t save that Daud.

But why show us Billie failing to save Daud, if she was destined for failure? Because, eventually, she must succeed.

And therein lies Daud’s (potential) salvation. Is it realizing the other Daud is an imposter? Well... let’s think of it this way. Is the Billie who regained her arm and eye an ‘imposter’ where the ‘real’ Billie is in a timeline where she lost those body parts? Is the Aramis Stilton who went mad in the basement of his mansion the imposter? Or is it the one that Emily saved and was able to keep lucid? These people aren’t ‘imposters’ to their timelines, but they kind of are to the timelines that are saved. Which means DotO could be an entirely separate ‘timeline’, one that we manage to play through and see the ending of. But the ‘true timeline’ may never be known. But at least, we know it happens, and we have Billie to thank for that.

FIN.