Hey hey did you know my favorite fic trope is hypothermia? I just think its so nifty

Cabin House

if this dosen’t take im shooting myself $wag no TW except usual sadness. Slight simp anakin and breeding kink but iykyk

She sat outside on the porch in her rocking chair, watching the ship in front of her lower its self onto the meadow surrounding the cabin that she lived in with her husband. She smiled to herself, her hands rubbing her pregnant stomach in relief that he was home. It was a new feeling to both of them, homeliness. A family that is now back together. Or at the very least, the start of one. 

They had met when they were both young, Anakin was in Jedi training, and Y/n was a mechanic at the same temple. It was a decent gig, she reasoned with herself. The many hours and days spent watching and learning from her father in his shop had paid off. 

Born and raised in the capital of the galaxy, the high life never slowed down. There was always loud traffic, busy trade; the planet never slept. Anyone could go to a party or club; some festival was always happening. The temple was different, a little peace in the concrete jungle. As the war started, the need for maintenance shot up—the urgency to fix whatever droids or ships needed to be rewired or mending broken welds. Simultaneously, the Jedi and the politicians tried to restore the balance, maintenance fixing everything else. 

A job was a job, and getting herself out of her father’s small auto body garage was a priority for her. Pulling night shift sucked, but the lack of staff and management who wanted to do nights meant she could get away with a lot. 

It started when the shy padawan walked up to her, the shift partner in the area she worked with was sleeping in his chair, and even tho he was older than her and had more experience, Y/n didn’t wake him up. It was her first real interaction with someone who was force sensitive, and she was thanking the stars that this boy somehow made his way to her.

It wasn’t because he was lost. Anakin had been at the temple long enough to know it by hand and could probably draw blueprints of the entire layout. The way around maintenance wasn’t that hard, as he often borrowed material from them to fix small stuff he could handle. Anakin had caught glimpses of her, he would stare at her for the few seconds it took to pass each other while he was leaving the ship and for maintenance to check it for any repairs that needed to be done.

“What’s up, Starboy?” Y/n teased. Even though she had never met him formally, he was quite well known for his destiny. 

He shuffled his feet around, and all the confidence he once had was gone. He looked at her before looking down at the table she was in front of, watching her set down the wrench she was fiddling with. 

“I need an arm.” He shot out, not even knowing how to ask for such a thing. 

“An arm?” She had responded, wanting to make sure he had said the right thing. “Why do you need an arm-” She asked but quickly stopped as he dropped his robe, and she realized he was missing the very thing he had asked for. “Oh. You need an arm.”

It took about six months for the arm to be built. It took a lot of measurements, calculating, and many, many nights for it to be made giving Anakin time to grow his confidence back up and flirt relentlessly with her. Telling her that it didn’t bother him that he would almost get little to no sleep because ‘being with you is a dream I never want to wake up from.’ On the nights he didn’t see her he would tell her, ‘Even though I couldn’t be with you, I still see you in my dreams. The best dreams I will ever have will always be the ones where you are in it. My dreams with you are so sweet to the violent reality of being a Jedi.’ 

The last night the two spent together working on his arm, or to be honest it was just her while Anakin would pour his heart out to her, hoping for something, a kiss, or even the simple statement that she returned his feelings. 

“If I have any problems with my arm, I’m coming to you. For my arm and my heart, you are the only one who knows how to fix them. Help me Y/n, my heart hurts, it burns for you. Every time I leave you or think about how you aren’t mine it aches. It’s so painful. Fix it, please. Tell me you don’t feel the same way, that your heart beats differently to the tune of mine.” He told her, watching her with doe eyes as she concentrated on wiring the last few things together. 

“Isn’t that against your rules?” 

“Attachment is forbidden, possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi’s life. So you might say I am encouraged to feel this way about you.” He stated, awkwardly biting his lip which made her giggle. 

“In three days, I have time off, maybe then you can teach me about this new teaching, and I can teach you something about how to use the arm.”

Neither of them expected it to be like this. Married and expecting. The moment she had told Anakin the news, he had immediately begun thinking of moving. Getting away from the city life and going somewhere more quiet and peaceful. Somewhere the war could not disturb them, so they landed in Alderaan. The whole planet was pulled right from a painting, and the moment they settled on the cozy cabin, they both realized that after years of running around, they finally found their home. With each other, in their soon-to-be family, and in Alderaan. 

As the ship lowered its self to the ground, the woman awkwardly got out of the chair and stood up, holding onto the wooden frame of the porch. Anakin swiftly got out, smiling from ear to ear as he saw her waiting for him. His feet moved on their own as he ran to her, watching her take careful steps to meet him. Before she knew it, his arms were around her, pulling her into him. “Don’t strain yourself for me.” He whispered, kissing her head. 

She was thirty-three weeks into her pregnancy with twins. The two babies growing safely in her womb had made things more difficult for her in terms of moving around, and she had long forgotten her shoes. 

They didn’t move in right away. They waited until work became difficult for Y/n, getting down to work on something wasn’t easy anymore, and she couldn’t be on her feet for more than an hour and a half until her feet started hurting. On the other hand, Anakin wanted to move in as soon as they got it. ‘You shouldn’t have to work, you’re pregnant with our babies, and I want you to enjoy this.’ He also knew how chatty the maintenance section was and was not looking forward to any rumors that could be spread about his wife. ‘Tell them they are mine. I’m not going to let them disrespect my children by disrespecting you. Tell them that I got you pregnant, that you took me in, and this is what my seed is doing to you.’

“How are you, my angel?” He asked, watching as the moonlight hit her face. He had been gone for most of the pregnancy, being forced to leave after her first doctor’s appointment that confirmed that Y/n was with child. Only then, she was nine weeks far too early to be showing anything. He came back to her a few weeks later, and the first thing he did when he greeted her was to kiss her fourteen-week stomach, but he didn’t stay long. The three days they were together were spent moving quickly into the new house. Only the important things she needed were to stay back at the temple so she could continue with work. They didn’t have much, but Anakin insisted on carrying everything, telling her that she was not even to lift her jewelry box because he didn’t want anything to happen to the babies. 

“Bored. I’ve been itching to get back to work; there’s only so much you can crochet before you want to stab yourself with the needles.” She joked, making them both laugh. 

“And the babies?” He asked, his hands dropping to rub the sides of her stomach. It brought him pride to see her like this. Seeing her carrying his child, seeing her full belly, smiling at the thought of the stretch marks that clung to her round belly, knowing that her body was adjusting well. The few times he was able to see Y/n through the hologram, he always admired his wife’s new changing body.

“Restless. I’m hoping now that you’re home, they’ll calm down for a little bit.” Anakin pulled her into a soft kiss. The whole time he had been away, she and the babies were always on his mind. He would wonder if they were kicking or thinking about what to name them. He would think about Y/n, if she was sleeping and if she was pushing herself too hard. He felt terrible for not being there to hold her hair back through morning sickness or walk her around to make sure she got the proper exercise she needed. He felt so useless. 

“How long do I have you back for?” She asked. It was an impossible question because no matter what time frame they had, it wouldn’t be enough. She just wanted him to be here with her, safe. The only good part about being away from the temple was she got away from all the rumors about her husband being dead or being held somewhere and tortured. She wanted him here in their home, enjoying the moments and milestones that she was going through alone. She had convinced herself that if - stars forbid it- something happened to Anakin, she could do it by herself. She could raise the kids and do what she could to make ends meet. It’d be challenging, and she understood that. But in her opinion, what could be harder than going through this pregnancy alone? Forcing herself to get the rooms ready, forcing her co-workers at the temple to help her in the later stages because she couldn’t depend on Anakin. 

He quietly led her to the house, purposefully ignoring the question because he knew that it wouldn’t be the one she wanted to hear. Only when she asked again as they reached the front door, he answered. “A week. Then I have to go back, and I don’t know where the council is sending me. Probably to Hutta.”

“You’re gonna be here for the births, right?” She pressed, stepping into the warm cabin and away from the cool breeze of the night along with his arms. 

“Y/n, I promise that once our children are born, I will be there for everything,” He reassured her. He knew it was a promise that he couldn’t keep. That the Jedi council would most likely tear him away from his family sooner or later. With war, or keeping the force away from the Darkside, he knew that it would be something. “Don’t look at me like that, Angel. You know how hard this is for me. You knew what you were getting yourself into.” He took a step towards her, but she shook her head and stepped back, turning around and began waddling herself towards the shared bedroom. 

“But I didn’t expect it to be left by myself throughout this.” His wife began, with Anakin following her quickly. “All alone and pregnant just to have you, my husband, show up for a few hours or a few days if I am lucky. Then to have him leave me alone again.”

“Am I not here, in our home when I can be?” 

“Our home?” She raised her voice, “It feels as if you are no more than a guest.” Finally turning around to look at him before walking over to the bed and sitting down facing away from him, looking out the window that gave a view of the spacecraft out front. “Anakin, I want to go back to the Coruscant.”

“Going back wouldn’t change a thing.” His words were forced, trying to stay calm and not lose his temper. He was a good husband, or at least he tried to be. It wasn’t easy - for anyone. But he tried, skipping meetings and purposefully doing stuff to get close to you, reporting ships and droids as broken so he could sit with you as you worked on them. Even now, with the war, just being on the opposite side of the same planet was enough for him. “You know that I can’t control what happens out there. I don’t get to pick and choose when I get to stay home!” His anger was cut off by the sound of her whimper. 

“Y/n, Starlight,” He was cautious with his words now, “Y/n?” She would not face him as he sat down next to her on the corner of the bed, his head down in shame. “Please tell me you don’t regret this.” Any of this, he thought to himself, knowing it was always her who got the short end of the lifestyle they had to hide. 

“Anakin, our love is like the Coruscant. It’s messy at first glance, and it’s hard to understand why it hasn’t just fallen apart in chaos. It doesn’t make any sense. But if you squint hard enough and really focus in,” She began slowly, trying not to fall apart. “You can see how nice and beautiful and all of the great things you can get out of it.” Her lip quivered, and her voice broke, letting the painful tears she was holding in anymore. “But I’m so tired of squinting.”

Neither of them looked at each other. While Y/n cried into her hands, Anakin just sat there, trying to figure out what to do. “I-” The reality that this could be it, this is all about to end, made him re-think his words. Did he miss something? Was he too happy that he was starting a family with the girl he fell in love with at nineteen to realize that she was now, what? Fallen out of love for him while she was right about to give birth? For once, Anakin was speechless. He could still fix this, right? I have to fix this. She’s fucking pregnant with my children. Our children. 

“What do you want then? I’m here, now, Angel. I -I don’t know what you want.” His voice was pitiful, but she was strong. She had to if she was going to do this alone.

“I want you to get in your ship and leave.” 

As soon as she said it, he was protesting, ”Go where? Baby, please, don’t make me go back.” He was the one crying now, tears falling mercilessly down his face, realizing that this was it.

“I don’t care where you go, Anakin. Just- you can’t stay here. You make me too sad.” 

Highly

A/n: this is really long I’m sorry!😂

Words: 2000 ca.

The cloud that erupted from your lips vanished into thin air, reminding you of the man who used to fan the smoke away from his reach. Now the spot next to you was empty, no one was complaining and no one was bugging you about being unhealthy. The thick joint was pressed between your lips once again, sucking the poison into your lungs. The relaxing plant infected your system and everything slowed down. The stars swimming above you dripped into the moon that was filled to the brim. You finished the joint, leaning back with a heart that was aching. Moving around you found the position that allowed your heavy heart some rest, your phone was out of reach and you were too lazy to retrieve it. You wanted to shoot him a text tho, telling him all the words he never got to hear.

Instead you lay there, images burning behind closed eyes. Images of his green forrest eyes that disappeared when his laughter erupted, how you would kill to hear that laugh again. The feeling of  the vibration through his chest as he sung you a new tune. How he used to look at you, eyes searching for inspiration and the look in them the second he found it. Being his muse had been the greatest achievement of your life. Your favorite memory was from the frosty night in December only five moths prior, ditching a party the two of you had ventured off into the night. He had held you close when you arrived at your shared home, bodies moving in sync, the rhythm you fell into in the bed had been steady and slow. Intimate love making till dawn. Your bodies not craving sleep, instead you had moved to the patio. His large body had been pressed firmly against the lounge couch and he had pulled you against him. Limbs draped over each other's and low voices filling the air with words of adoration. The conversation following the flow of the wind, the chilly morning offering you an excuse to snuggle closer to your love. He had happily accepted the closeness, and soon series of laughter had erupted into the slow morning. Just the two of you, bodies pressed together and love flowing freely.

You mind had turned off to the memory of him, and next thing you knew you woke up in your lonely bed. It had never felt so big when Michael had been taking up half of it. The empty room taunting you and the long halls hunting the memories that was made here away. As days fell into night and night turned into days your speckle off hope had vanished. The hope of feeling his body once more, his lips on yours and his voice rumbling against your skins. Instead you tugged away your emotions everyday walking through life as someone else, and only allowing the emotions to take over at night. Most nights your mind raced to the loving memories, but some nights it was the burning memories of pain the pressed into your head.

Dating Michael had been fun and easy, when he asked you to build a home with him you had been ecstatic. Slowly reality dawned on you, the rockstar lifestyle being far away from the life you wished to led. His drinking turned into situations that was hurtful, a large number of girls pressing on. Wishing to enter your relationship, you begging him to change every night when he would stumble through the door.

The last time you saw him stung in the back of your mind. Just mere hours after you had told him that he had to stop with the excessive amount of alcohol and he has kissed you with a promise of doing better. You were fuming when you heard him fumbling with the front door, the creaking of the door setting you completely off. With steam clouding your mind you had entered the entrance and he had shot you a short smile. As he came close the words that left his mouth dragged your breath away, leaving your body defenseless "I though you were out with us? Who was the girl I kissed than?" He carelessly moved through your house towards the bedroom. Tears drawing pathways down your cheeks and hiccups threatening to spill passed your lips. You stayed up all night, waiting for him to sober up. Every minute of the night was spent considering the conversation of tomorrow. When he was clear in his head, he yelled out for you, his words bouncing of the walls. Your fragile body towering over him, and your voice anything but fragile. He was shunned from the house, leaving in a hurry as you yelled out your pain. Months passed where you awaited his next move, silently hoping that he would beg for you to forgive him. Instead you got nothing.  His stuff was still where he left them except from his guitars. And you knew everything but his guitars was replaceable. When Calum had turned up at your door with a sorrowful painted across his face you knew he was there to pick them up. It hurt every time you glanced at the empty room having yet to entered it, dust was covering the corners and slowly tugging the room into a dull forgotten memory.

Your high ponytail was swinging from side to side as you strutted down the sidewalk. The pep in your steps were just a reminded to yourself that you had the power to move on. When you spotted him at your favorite coffee shop, your steps came to a halt. His eyes meet yours long before yours meet his. He saw you and froze. Your smile telling him that you were doing good but your eyes spilling your secret. Awkwardly you walked over to him "hi stranger" your voice was a pitch higher than usual and you mentally scolded yourself for the preppy outburst. His voice was darker than you remembered but the impact of his words stronger than you expected "Hi. How are you?" The concentration on your face told him that you were trying your best to stay cool "I'm good , yeah very good. What about you?" The forced smile made his heart ache and his guards grow weaker. "Im glad you are doing good y/n. Im getting through day by day. 4 months sober yesterday" His voice grew with pride as he told you about his sobriety, and his smile grew even larger as he saw the proud look on your face. Without thinking twice you leaped into his arms, hugging him tightly against yourself "Im so proud of you Micky." Your cheeks grew red as you realized that this wasn't what was normal for you to do anymore. The break up meant that you had to sacrifice being close to him and just watch his life from afar. You knew he was sober, his instagram had told you so. But to hear the words leave his mouth made you ache with pride. When he felt you draw back he pulled you into himself again, not ready to let you slide through his fingers once more. Your smell was filling his nostrils and he wanted to keep you wrapped in his arms forever. When he let go of your body, you stumbled back and took him in. He looked better than ever, more fit and more alive. The silence laid as a blanket making the air hot and thick and just as you were about to say your byes he spoke up "Do you wanna catch up some day? maybe drink a cup of coffee?" you smiled shyly at him, and the fact that he had cheated on you was forgotten, "Yeah I would like that." Just like that you had a date with him, your body felt like yours for the first time in months and the pep in your step were no longer forced.

The knock at your door alerted you that he had arrived. You opened the door and smiled at him a laugh followed shortly behind "Quite weird having you knocking on your own door" he smiled back at you before he spoke "Thats ok, you look absolutely beautiful love" he handed you the flowers in his hand and you felt oddly embarrassed, such gestures never fell naturally to Michael. More a man of words he would praise you, shower you in physical affection but stray away from gifts. The ride in his car was longer than you remembered it, the small drops of sweat that was collecting at Michaels hairline let you know that you weren't alone with the crippling feeling of anxiety that started to form the second you woke up. His hands were both clutched to the steering wheel and as he turned into the coffee shop your stomach turned with anticipation. "I was thinking we could do to go? And then go to our spot?" You smiled at his idea, that he remembered how much you enjoined your spot.

The car came to a halt at the empty parking spot. Michael was quick to climb out of the car and open your door for you. Slowly you made your way towards the spot. Surrounded by nature you felt your breath become easier. The large stones that leaned against each other offered a place to take a seat. He came prepared with a blanket and a packed picking. Like so many times before you took place next to each other, the still warm air clinging to both your bodies as the sun continued it's decent. The ocean reached the stones and splashes were sent into the sky. His legs rested and made contact with the firmness of your other thigh. Slow conversation filled the space between you and drew you closer. Coffee was sipped and sandwiches shared. The sun came into contact with the ocean and Michael dived into the cruel conversation that was awaiting you. His body turned to yours "I'm sorry" his words were low but you heard him, your eyes meet and you signaled for him to go on. He took deep breaths of fresh air, worried that his fragile words wouldn't be enough "I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I've realized that I was so far out of line. All my decisions fell back onto you. And I'm awfully sorry about kissing another woman. You are truly the only one for me. I understand if you aren't interested in being with me ever again, but I've changed y/n. I'm still working on myself, but you are my motivation every single day and I want to make it up to you." You mind was clouded by his words, the mentioning of his infidelity was like salt in wounds but you wanted to give him a chance. "Yeah you sucked" you tried to lighten the mood but you both knew that, that was a light way to put it. You continued while gripping his hand " I want to be with you Mickey. But it is definitely going to be difficult for me to trust you" you smiled a careful smile at him and he moved even closer, desperate to feel you. His hand moved to your face as he silently asked for your permission to press his lips against yours. You nodded your head, eager to feel the movement. The world stood still, birds chirping became louder and the intensity of the small gesture made you dizzy. Michael was right there with you, you soft lips sending him into a feeling of ecstasy.

Silent promise between lovers who had been torn apart filled the now colder air. Sun kissing the ocean and dancing in warm colors. Pulling one another closer, and thinking of each other highly.

Bakugo, Todoroki, and Shinso quarantining w black s/o

Bakugo x Todoroki x black!reader x Shinso

TW: Swearing, refers to sexual activities at the end of each of them

Note: Yes, I did do most of this stuff in quarantine. [And they're aged up as always]

BAKUGO

He honestly feels like he's losing his shit

And he probably would if he did have you with him

You guys are staying up all night and watching Wild n Out, Basic to Bougie, 90 Day Fiance, all that shit

And of course Bad Girls Club

He claims he hates 90 Day Fiance and BGC, but he stays watching that shit, even if he has the remote or youre on his phone

His sleep schedule is fucked up

And by fucked up, I mean its a few hours past the old man's bed time

He goes to bed at 1 am now instead of 9 pm

But still wakes up at 9 am

He took a leave on hero work because of covid

He loves his job almost as much as he loves you (aw💖)

But hes not gonna risk his health for it

"Fuck all that bullshit, as much as I love my job, I'm staying my ass in this house. And you are too. I'll be damned if you catch it, especially if its from me."

Yall only go out once a week

He could minimize it to once every other week, but he tried that and it almost drove him crazy

There aren't any exceptions unless there's an emergency

Makes you wear gloves and use a reusable mask that he washes as soon as yall get home

And you get mostly essentials but he'll ask you if you want candy or anything and he'll buy a big box of brownie mix if you like brownies just to hold you over for a while

Also stocks up on meds like pain killers and allergy pills

No fucks given, he will hit up different stores for toilet paper

"WHY ARE ALL THESE FUCKIN IDIOTS TAKING THE TOILET PAPER?? I KNOW DAMN FUCKIN WELL YALL DONT SHIT THAT MUCH, AND HALF OF YALL PROBABLY DONT EVEN WIPE."

Hes gonna experiment with cooking more now that he has time

Writes down all the recipes that work out

Youre his taste tester so you best believe you bouta be eatin good 😌

If you want your hair done he'll order it online unless yall are already out

Hes gonna make sure that you're eating good and feeling okay because these are tough times 🥺

But hes gonna do it in his own way and act like he's not concerned

"Hey idiot, do you wanna pass out? You haven't been drinking water today, I can tell. I'm getting you a full cup, you better drink it all."

"You haven't eaten anything today, I'm making you dinner."

"Your hair is dry, come here so I can help you put oil on it. I keep telling you to take care of it, ill laught at you if you go bald." He wont

Also has you work out with him do you can stay in shape

Libido?

Yessir

Every other day, anywhere (except in public because hes not about to get sick), at anytime

It goes 50/50

Sometimes its just because hes in the mood

Other times hes feeling really soft and wants to show you that he loves you

All in all its a mixture of Bakugo losing his shit and loving you all in one

TODOROKI

He's pretty chill about it

Just super bored

Starts watching BGC, binges Basic to Bougie and 90 Day Fiance

Oddly enough he really enjoys watching Love & Hip Hop????

He finds it interesting

Especially likes Cardis season because its funny and hella memes came out of it

Don't get me wrong tho I aint a Cardi stan but you gotta admit that she's mad funny im a barb at heart tho

His crackhead really comes out over quarantine

He'll start referencing random ass memes

Hes mostly on leave for hero work unless they really need him

In that case he wears a mask and gloves out

When he gets home the first thing he does is reference BGC

"WHATS UP BAD BITCHES"

And thats how you know he's home

Goes to bed at like 1:30 - 2 am

Only because he doesn't want to be passed out if he's needed for hero duties

Goes out every other week

Mainly for basic essentials, but if you want a little extra he'll buy it

Anything else he'll buy online

Also goes to other stores to buy more toilet paper

Figured out that hes really good at crochets

So if you want your hair done he'll order any crochets you want off Amazon and do them for you

Takes care of you and makes sure your doing well all together

"Did you eat today baby?"

"How much water have you had today?"

"Have you been putting oil on your hair?"

Lotsss of cold soba

But he cooks a few other things so that its not the same thing 24/7

Asks Fuyumi for help when he doesn't know how to cook something super well

If you're the type to go to bed hella late, he'll make sure you sleep a full 8 hours

Even if you wake up after 5 he'll ask you to take a nap with him

Has you work out with him every now and then so you can both stay healthy

Not too much libido

He didn't get in the mood like that even before quarantine

Its not every other day like Bakugo though

More like twice a week

Anymore than that and it'll probably be because you needed it rather than him

If its after a mission it'll be slower just so he can show you how much he loves and appreciates you for being someone he can come home to and just being you

If its more spontaneous he'll be slightly rough but still a pretty slow

But it's a lot of crackhead Todoroki and soft Todoroki

SHINSO

He's doing fine

Just more bored than usual

I feel like Shinso likes cartoons so hes rewatching a bunch of childhood cartoons

Steven Universe, Adventure Time, Regular Show, all that good shit

Lotsss of cartoon quotes

Yall are having a pillow fight and he grabs 2 pillows and claps you?

"Cheatin ass bitch."

"Street rules, man." (Regular Show quote for those who don't know)

Please sing the bacon pancake song (Adventure Time) with him while yall make breakfast

He'll be so happy

If you do something stupid hes gonna do a lemon grab (Adventure time) quote

"UNACCEPTABLE"

On leave for hero work

Really doesn't care about getting himself sick unless he gets super sick or dies

But hes not about to get you sick

He'd genuinely rather get himself sick and die than get you sick

Yall go out twice a week

Once to get essentials and another just to get out

I feel like shinso is a decent cook so he'll cook for you

Write down recipes that you like

Also gets some off the internet

Works better with natural hair than braids and crochets

So he'll do slick backs for you and maybe give you a ponytail or something if you ask but he'd rather do 100% natural just because hes better at it and he likes natural black hair

Can also do half wigs

Takes care of you more than himself

So you have to take care of each other

"Did you drink water today, Doll?"

"I did, did you?"

"Did you eat today?"

"No, and you haven't either. What should we eat for lunch?"

"You havent been putting oil on you hair. Do you want me to help you, kitty?"

Small work out sessions

Maybe like 15 min a day

Full body tho because hes too lazy to split up days

Does to bed at like 4 - 6 am

Mostly just watching YouTube and binging cartoons and eating

Insomnia Cookies? (If you dont know, its a cookie place that delivers till 3 am and theyre so good-)

YESSIRRR

Yall gain back any weight you burned off from exercising earlier that day

Pizza, cookies, chicken nuggets, fries, fried chicken, etc.

Basically just a constant sleep over

Libido to the max

Once or twice a day

Nothing public because germs

Normally rough

But every now and then he'll get soft and just tell you how much he loves you and appreciates you

His aftercare for times like that consists of a bubble bath, lots of hugs, food and cartoons😌

Table for Two

A/N: Hi! This the first fanfic I’ve written for literally anything! (I’m an on and off writer in general tho) I’m hoping to write a collection of unconnected short stories currently called Smaller Sides to Life, that focuses on small/short moments in time during specific events. I’d be so grateful for any comment or feedback, but honestly I just hope you enjoy it first and foremost! >///<

Pairing: Logicality Words: 2468 Content: Human AU? A lot of descriptions of anxious waiting, so I guess it’s got a lil angst. Happy ending! (Please tell me if I need to mention anything I am very unfamiliar with how this works ;///;) Summary: Logan grows ever more anxious as he waits for his date, who, at this point, he isn’t even sure is coming.

If you wanna read my google doc for this instead you’re free to. (I like Cambria font u///u) I have an Ao3 but I am currently not using it.

Logan was alone, sitting comfortably at a table for two in the back of a halfway decent food establishment, silently watching as the ice cubes in his water shifted and tapped against the glass while they melted with each passing second. Well, “comfortably” was a lie, of course. There was absolutely nothing comforting about being in such a place on his own, with only the dim flickering candles on the table to keep him company. He didn’t really know what the worst part of the whole thing even was. Was it the ever encroaching chatter that surrounded him? The sickeningly sweet music that played in the background? The blank, unflinching cold stone wall in front of him? Or perhaps, it was the still empty seat that sat mockingly at the other side of the table.

Indeed, Logan was unhappy, uncomfortable, and alone.

The nervous tapping of his foot was practically synonymous with the pattering rain against the windows. The typically majestic city view now nothing more than an amorphous glob of glowing lights amidst the water droplets and fog. He couldn’t help but repeatedly switch between checking his watch and frantically clicking his pen, occasionally scribbling down a loose nonsensical thought or two onto his little notepad. The action barely made a difference in soothing his racing mind, but he had to do something to distract himself. He’d do practically anything to ease the agony that was continuously settling in his heart with each passing minute. The absolute dread hanging over him like an impending guillotine.

This was foolish. Logan sighed. Surely he was overreacting. There must’ve been a reason. He thought to himself, but it was no use. Not a single thing he told himself could possibly make the immensely slow sinking weight forming at the pit of his stomach go away. Not. A single. Thing. For someone who typically prided himself on being able to, and rather efficiently mind you, keep his calm in the most stressful of situations, this was quite distressing to say the least.

He’s simply running late. He reasons to himself. It happens. You know that. Well, of course he did. There were practically an infinite amount of possibilities that could’ve delayed the arrival of the person he was waiting for, and most of them were not inherently related to Logan’s personal character. That was the most logical conclusion, anyway. Did that thought comfort him any though? No.

It’s been an hour, Logan. You must be joking if you still think he’s coming. Another thought tore through his mind. Well, he may not have been joking, but he was well aware of how ridiculous it must’ve seemed. Just him, sitting alone at a table for two, growing ever more and more desperate by the second. To hold on to even a sliver of hope must’ve seemed utterly utterly foolish. Every pitying glance by the passing waiter refilling his cup only served to make him feel even more miserable. He wished desperately, in that moment, that he could just disappear; he hoped he could shrink down in size so small that he wouldn’t have to be seen anymore. He wanted to completely collapse in on himself and crumple up like the pathetic scraps of paper he’d been unconsciously tearing out of his notes. He wanted the world to just fade to black, and for him to simply drift away into an endless void, away from everything. Away from this. Maybe then he’d be free from the dreaded weight that sat heavily upon his shoulders. He didn’t think his heart could even beat this fast, but there it was, hammering in his chest like a hyperactive hummingbird. 

He hated it.

He’s not coming, Logan. That thought instantly sank itself into the depths of his soul. He felt a lump begin to form in the back of his throat; it was almost nauseating. He’s not coming because he doesn’t want to see you. Another thought that dug itself into his mind. He felt his teeth harshly grind against each other as his jaws clenched, begging himself to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. He didn’t even give you a call. The world suddenly seemed to freeze. A quiet realization sent an absolutely disparaging chill down his spine. You didn’t even get the courtesy of knowing you’ve been rejected. He let out a weak shaky breath before finally lowering his face into his hands, completely defeated. This was beyond pathetic, honestly. How unbecoming of him to be this way. He wasn’t coming. He already fully knew how illogical it was to remain in his seat. Yet, a part of himself still refused to let him throw what remained of that practically shattered hope away. 

And so, the clock kept ticking still...

Logan wasn’t really sure how long it’s been at this point. Everything had begun to slowly meld together in his mind. Beyond the disappointment and despair was just the dull aching pain of rejection in his chest, not to mention the utterly dry and bitter taste in his mouth. He berated himself for being this pathetic about the whole thing, and a coward who couldn’t even muster up enough courage to stand up and go home. It was frustrating, because he knew better than this. It was both impractical and nonsensical to keep waiting. But he felt weak, and his two feet remained firmly stuck to the floor as if they were made of solid, immovable lead. The waiters have collectively decided to leave him alone at this point, which he had considered a small blessing. He didn’t want to bother pretending to smile or claim that everything was ok anymore; the energy was long depleted by now.

Logan let out yet another shaky breath, wrapping his arms around him and hugging himself tight, trying as he might to figuratively and literally “get a grip” on reality. What was he even waiting for? Why had he been so eagerly anticipating sitting at this table just a few hours before leaving work? What was the point? What was he doing? He still had tasks to do! There were still piles upon piles of work that had to be done at his desk but no, he was here. He was here, sitting alone, and doing nothing. Logan glanced down at his watch yet again, but its face was unreadable. His eyes blurry and unclear even as he rubbed the tears away, adjusted his glasses, and squinted. The only message it managed to send was just how much time he was wasting away by remaining where he currently was. Nobody was coming. His grip tightened, nails practically clawing at the sleeves of his suit. Never in his life had he felt so betrayed by something that originally had a perfect and fitting place within his schedule. What had he done wrong? Where did he make a mistake?

The gentle laughter and casual chattering of the surrounding atmosphere were  like needles in his back as he felt himself curl inwards. The sweet and decidedly romantic music that served as the loving backdrop for what was to be a pleasant evening for patrons was now mocking and decadent. It sounded almost like a distant echo, far far away. Something that he was always in the vicinity of, but will never truly be able to enjoy; a happiness he cannot obtain. He was trapped. He was trapped here, in a dim corner of a restaurant, with a lukewarm cup of water, weakly flickering candles, a cold unflinching wall, the pitter patter of rain, the incessant (and mildly imaginary) ticking of his watch, crumpled up scraps of note paper, sickening chatter, unappealing music, a dry bitter taste in his mouth, an unnerving feeling of cold sweat, a dizzying headache, a fast racing heart, a barely registering breath, a lump in his throat, and clearly watering eyes.

All at a half empty table for two.

He hated it.

He ended up sitting there for so long that he felt drained, empty. His eyes now only slightly stung when opened, but he kept them closed while he leaned against one arm against the table. By now he had, at the very least, managed to catch his breath. He felt so tired. Logan took a deep breath and glanced down at his watch yet again. It had only honestly been an hour and a half, not that much time at all in the grand scheme of things. And yet here he was, feeling like he had been stationary for several years. Perhaps it was finally time to go. He shifted his aching body to finally attempt to escape from this prison, but a hurried rush of footsteps instantly made him freeze up yet again.

It couldn’t be.

But it was.

“Oh my goodness god, you’re still here!”

Logan jolted at the sound of the sweet, silvery voice that rang out, very obviously filled with concern. He turned towards the person who hastily ran up to him, the cold hands cupped around his face immediately snapping him awake from his previous haze.

“I can’t believe you waited for me for this long!! Have you been here the whole time?? I’m- Oh my god I’m so so sorry Logan I-”

He honestly couldn’t even process what he was seeing, much less feeling. A man stood in front of him now, frantically gesturing and apologizing, and absolutely soaked to the core. Logan could very much feel the gazes of dozens of patrons on them now, but it didn’t matter. All he could do was stare with wide eyes at his date, whose suit was completely muddied and shoes absolutely ruined by the rain. He blinked a few times as he tried to understand what the man was even saying as he kept pausing and stuttering while constantly sweeping his matted and wet light brown hair out of his eyes. Seeing him there, standing in front of him, was enough to make Logan feel his heart slowly begin to beat once again.

“God, Logan, I know you must be mad at me, I’m- How could I possibly ever make this up to you? Oh god, oh dear, I can’t believe I did this to you! I’m just so sor-”

“Patton…” Logan finally managed, taking one of Patton’s cold hands into his and finally stopping his rambling. He took a silent moment to just quietly immerse himself into the other’s sparkling and visibly apologetic blue eyes. A beautiful and comforting sight for his literally sore ones. He felt something start to bubble up inside of him, and it began to slowly rise in his chest. A warm, fluttering feeling that rose, higher and higher, until a soft laugh finally slips from his lips. Patton’s expression instantly lightens at the sound, and Logan could feel the once soul crushing weight that surrounded him finally melt away. He gives Patton’s hand a light squeeze, an absolutely relieved smile now upon his face. “Patton. It’s ok.”

There wasn’t a single moment’s hesitation when Patton sprang forwards to wrap Logan in the tightest hug he could possibly manage. Despite the water that slowly seeped into Logan’s own clothes, and the hug being admittedly cold on account of Patton being completely drenched, he had never felt his heart swell with so much warmth in his entire life. They stayed locked in each other's embrace until Patton remembered his current condition and quickly backed off with yet another series of apologetic bows.

“Dear lord, now look what I’ve done. I went ahead and ruined your clothes too!” He giggled, trying his best to wipe away the water with a napkin to barely any success.

Logan just couldn’t help but smile at the clumsy yet adorable gesture. “Don’t worry about it. It’s clearly not as bad as whatever happened to you.” He pointed out. “Say, whatever did happen to you anyways? You weren’t answering any of my calls and I...I thought you weren’t going to…” He paused for a moment before opting to take a long sip out of his cup instead before shrugging. “You know.” He murmured, his body unintentionally stiffening at the insinuation.

Patton looked crushed at the thought, which he was unfortunately terribly aware of. He embarrassingly rubbed at the back of his neck and lowered his head. “I-I know, and I really am so sorry Logan. I...I didn’t expect you to still be here either. And I couldn’t even tell you! Oh geez… After making you wait so long, you probably honestly should have just-”

“It’s ok, Patton.” Logan reassured with a nod, voice barely a whisper. He gently lifted one of Patton’s hands and brushed his lips against the man’s knuckles. “What’s important is that you’re here. That’s enough.” He felt a small bit of pride as he watched Patton’s face flush at the unexpected gesture.

The man quickly took the hand back with a laugh before settling down in the seat across from Logan. At last, filling the space that completed the whole picture. 

“Still, the fact that I made you wait that long is terribly unreasonable. So just please let me-”

Logan chuckled, gesturing towards a leaf that was still stuck in his date’s hair, to which the other quickly pulled out with a flustered huff. 

“Logan, I’m trying to apologize here!”

“You already have.” He stated, quickly dismissing the concern with a smile. The other clearly had no defense against him doing that, to which Logan was fully aware of. The smile then curled into a satisfied smirk upon his silence. “So, are you going to tell me?”

Patton blinked in response. “O-Oh! Right! You aren’t going to believe this, but-”

And as Patton energetically attempted to recall his unfortunate run-in with the storm while trying to rescue a cat from a tree, forgetting he’s allergic to them, slipping up and falling out of said tree, missing the bus, and losing his phone in the entire process, Logan simply sat comfortably across from him, fully content to listen to his story. It was ridiculous, it was nonsensical, and it was of course, entirely hilarious, but he enjoyed every word that came out of the mouth of the sweet and adorable man that now accompanied him. Patton’s rain stained glasses, half dried and now puffing up hair, and his freckled smile, completely lit up the once dim and lifeless corner of the restaurant they sat in. Nothing could have detracted from that moment in time. Not the rain, not the stares, and certainly not how the time just seemed to fly by, even during the comfortable silence that sat between them while they both enjoyed their meals. Logan wouldn’t have missed any of it for the world.

Here at this table for two.

At the Edge of Nowhere

(( So, guess who went ahead and scratched that crazy itch I got yesterday? Yep, Scotty did. It turned in a small fic instead of a drabble, since apparently I had more to play out than I initially thought, but...here it is. I took the chance to experiment a bit with the writing style too, while I was at it, ‘cause...why not? ))

(( I’m not really sure of where the idea came from, I just really wanted them to have interact, somehow, without inventing something too complicated. And this was the result. Also, it doesn’t mean that I won’t try to shove Five into John’s universe or vice versa at some point, but for now I’m good with this xD ))

(( Sharing just in case anyone is in the mood for some random oddity! ))

(( I even posted in on Ao3 if anyone wants to have a look at it there! ^^” ))

They sit side by side, watching the eternal sunset of Eternity stretching before them, swinging their feet past the edge of the Abyss, unfazed by the danger of its depths. The darkness seems to be threatening to suck them down, condemning them to an endless fall, and yet they pay it no mind, each of them far too interested in sipping and enjoying his drink.

The silence floods past them, over them, through them, carrying the whispers of their lives. However, for this ephemeral moment, they are given the almost unique chance to ignore them. It’s a rare gift, one that deserved to be savoured, like a fine well-aged vintage. Like the ambrosia that the ancient gods, legit and false, so much have lauded.

And so they sit, the Boy and the Fool, side by side, on the edge of the Abyss.

The atmosphere is almost companionable, as much as it can be when shared by two strangers who carry with them too much baggage. A past and a present that are too dark, too painful. There’s as much kinship and understanding between them as there’s mistrust.

They let the quietness linger for a while, listening only to the taste of the alcohol that coats their tongues, knowing that the stasis won’t last. Neither of them is good at keeping his mouth shut when something is making their skin itch.

“Th’ ‘ell ‘s a lad like yeh doin’ in such a place?” The Fool finally asks, turning his eyes away from the magnetic horizon and landing them on his unlikely companion.

The Boy scoffs. Why is it always the same old story with everyone he meets? “I’d watch my fucking tongue if I were you, young man,” he shoots back, with a withering look. “I’m far older than I look. And I’m older than you for sure.”

A half laugh rises with a small cloud of smoke, but it dies in the matter of seconds as the seriousness of those declarations settles in.

“Blimey. Yeh ain’t pullin’ me leg, are yeh? ‘Ow old are yeh s’posed to be den, mate?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding? Trust me, mate, I’m not. I’m fifty-eight. And I’m stuck in the body of a thirteen-years-old. There’s nothing funny about it.”

“Bloody ‘Ell. Fifty-eight n’ still a lad? Tha’s...insane. I dun envy yeh. Nay.”

The Fool shakes his head, but, despite the lingering astonishment, there is a glint of amusement in his eyes. “Tell us, tho. Woh’s yeh secret? I gots me diabolical trick to slow down agin’ n’ all, but it obviously ain’t workin’ as well as yehs.”

“I got stuck in the future for forty-five years and, when I finally figured out the equation to go back to my time, I missed a typo and...this is the result.”

“Soddin’ math. ‘S one o’ th’ bloody reasons why I ne’er managed to get alchemy rite. T’in’s keep blowin’ up in me face.”

“Sodding math indeed. Cheers.”

“Cheers.”

They clink their glasses together and go back staring at the frozen skyline. Two sets of blue eyes. Different shades of the iris, similar heaviness burdening them.

The Boy steers his drink with his straw, lips pursing pensively. “Speaking of things that suck, what is this place exactly? Am I dreaming? Or did I accidentally take some of my brother’s drugs and this is like the most boring trip in history?”

The Fool scoffs. “Gonna pretend tha’ yeh didn’t jus’ insult me too, together wit’ dis soddin’ place.”

His gaze wanders for a split moment, touching their motionless surroundings. “Ah, I dunno, mate. Could be yeh dream, aye. Could be mine. Or maybe we bot’ stepped inside another real wit’out noticin’ n’ ‘ere we are. Wouldn’t be th’ first time for me. Won’t be th’ last either.”

“I’ve never been in another world. I’ve travelled through time, maybe a bit too much, and I’ve rushed through the fabric of space but this…” The Boy waves his free hand. “This is new. It’s easier to think of it as a dream, so I’d go with that, if you don’t mind. The last thing I need is another headache.”

“Wohe’er works wit’ yeh, mate. I get it. At times, ‘s be’er pretendin’ life ain’t real. ‘S good for yeh mental sanity. Even if yeh got none left.”

The Fool takes yet another drag from his cigarette. Curiously enough, it doesn’t seem to be shortening, even if the ash falls down on his trench coat.

“One t’in’ I can tell yeh ‘bout dis place, tho. It ain’t somewhere e’eryone can visit. Yeh gotta carry some serious shite wit’ yeh to ‘ave stumbled in ‘ere. Do yeh?”

The Boy shrugs. “Maybe? I kept pushing and pushing, even after my father had told me not to and I ended up after the End of the world. I heard the bastard’s voice echoing in my head for the past forty-five years.” He makes his voice thicker for a moment. “I told you so, boy. I told you so. Asshole.”

A long sip from his drink, as if he is trying to wash away that intrusive voice from his ears, before he continues.

“I worked for this organisation that monitors the timeline for a while as a trained assassin. They made me into the perfect killer, a tool for their plans. I had my goals, though, since the start. I took their deal just so that I could go back to try to stop the Apocalypse and save my family. We ended up breakin the world anyway, so I dragged them all back in time to try again. Of course, all that shit followed us. Because it’s never that easy, is it?”

The Fool nods and the Boy can tell that his companion knows that sort of feeling far too well. It’s nice to be fully understood, for once. Even if the understanding comes from a nameless stranger he’ll probably never see again. Assuming that their meeting is truly happening in the first place.

“So...We saved the world this time but broke the timeline. And now my childhood home is gone and me and my siblings are stuck in a timeline that holds no place for us anymore. I’m still trying to figure out how that’s supposed to work. Oh, and that bastard of my adoptive father is hunting us down using the kids he adopted in our place. It’s a real mess.”

There’s bitterness colouring his voice, the embers of a fight that’s too stubborn to die just yet, but the exhaustion is stronger.

“Though, between you and me...All I really want is a decent nap and a dozen more drinks. Maybe get a dog too. Not necessarily in that order.”

The straw produces a light slurping sound as he takes the next sip. “What’s your story? You must have one too, since you’re here...wherever here is.”

The Fool tips his head, in a sign of acknowledgement. No comments follow the tale, and there’s no real need for them there, out of time and space.

“Grew up in me own particular version o’ ‘Ell. Me oul man was th’ fuckin’ opposite o’ ‘father o’ th’ year’...So, I ran in my teen years, still thinkin’ I coulda owned th’ world. Stuck me nose in e’ery bloody t’in’ tha’ was magic n’ occult. One nite I got too cocky and damned an innocent girl to Hell. Earned a bloody place wit’ me name down there too in the process.”

The voice that spells out the words is casual, but there’s something haunted in his expression, darkening his eyes.

“Spent all me life tryin' to make up for tha’ bloody mistake. Ended up messin up meself and most o’ me mates n’ th’ people who ‘ad th’ ‘orrible o’ puttin’ their faith in me as a result. Girl’s still in ‘Ell, th’ bloody Devil ‘imself gots an eternal grudge against me, I gots demon blood in me veins n’ me soz arse ‘s still damned. I might not be a professional like yeh, but I bet I gots jus’ as much blood on me ‘ands. N’ even more souls on me conscience.”

The ice clinks against the transparent walls as the glass is lifted. More sourness to wipe away the one that the words have left on his tongue.

“Nowadays, ‘s mostly me, meself n’ I. Me best mate, too, from time to time. No clue o’ ‘ow he survived bein’ by me side for so long. ‘M still tryin’ to make t’in’s rite, but...for th’ most I jus’ try to be there to do th’ bloody dirty job no self-appointed ‘ero gots th’ time to do. I might be lost, past th’ point o’ no return, but there are lots o’ people out there who aren’t yet. Th’ fuckin’ least I can do ‘s tryin’ to ‘elp ‘em, aye? Make dis soz existence o’ mine wort’ more than misery n’ destruction.”

A drag from his cigarette and there’s a small hand landing on his shoulder, in a brief pat, before he has finished sucking the smoke in. The light pressure says more than a thousand words could.

“Between you and me, tho...I could use a dozen drinks too. Maybe more. N’ a bloody vacation. To sod off somewhere, even for jus’ a day. Maybe take me best mate n’ dis other lad I know. Oh, he could use a break too, th’ poor sod.”

The Boy makes a sound of agreement and he is back stirring his drink. “What a pair we make, you and I. And I don’t even know you.”

“I ‘ear tha’ loud n’ clear, mate. Bloody loud n’ bloody clear. Woh’s tha’ yeh drinkin’ anyway?”

“What? You ne’er seen a margarita? Where the hell are you from? England or Mars? Come on, try it.”

“Oi, I know woh a fuckin’ margarita is, oul man. Yehs jus’ a bit...flashier than woh ‘m used to.”

“Special recipe. I perfected it myself.”

“Now, tha’s more like it. I like a bloke who can make ‘is own drinks. There. Yeh like g n’ t?”

The glasses pass from one hand to another and then they both turn to look back at the unchanged horizon, holding each other’s drink.

A moment to sniff the liquors, in unison, and then the Boy dips his lips in the clear spirit while the Fool wraps his mouth around the straw. The tastes mix in the silence and it’s a symphony of citrus and sourness, with just the right amount of sweetness coming at the end.

“So, what happens now?” The Boy asks, after a moment.

The Fool shrugs. “Ah, I guess we wait till all dis fades. Or till we do. ‘S always ‘ard to tell when it comes to dis sort o’ shite.”

A huffs, with the faintest hint of irritation. “For someone who’s supposed to know a lot about this stuff, you give the worst cryptic answers. I can’t tell if you’re that ignorant or if you’re just fucking with me.”

A nudge in a smaller, slender side and a sharp smirk. “Who knows, mate. Yeh guess ‘s as good as mine. Keep th’ drink. I gots more back where I come from. Consider it a safe trip back home present. I’ll keep yehs as a reminder.”

“A present from a guy I never truly met? And a reminder of something we didn’t even speak about?”

“Nay. Jus’ th’ memory o’ some peace n’ quiet in decent company.”

“Fair enough. I can drink to that.”

The Wishing Well

Whew, I made it lol.  This is my story for the awesome @nalufever for the Nalu server’s secret Valentine’s Exchange.  LoL we had each other!  Omg, I hope you like it, I was trying to come up with a story around the idea we once talked about.  It ended up being a fluffy short story lol.  Okie here we go.

“Miss Lucy!” the little girl waves her hand excitedly from across the room.  “Miss, Miss, Miss!”

“Yes, Wendy?” the teacher’s aide walks up to the table and kneels, “are you finished with your drawing?” Nodding her head with a small blush upon her cheeks, the child holds her drawing up for Lucy to see.  “That’s wonderful Wendy!  Is that your cat?  But why is it blue?”

Wendy smiles wide, “name’s Happy!  Don’ know why he blue tho but it’s cute!”

“Yes,” Lucy chuckles, eyes brimming with delight, “he’s very cute!”  

Content with the response, Wendy goes back to doodling a new cartoon while the teachers aid floats around the room checking on other students.  Lucy loved this part time job even though it wasn’t quite in the field she was studying for, the credit still counted, the pay was decent, and not to mention the students were adorable most of the time.  Of course, there were a few that could be a handful, but nothing the bubbly 22 yr old blonde couldn’t handle and besides, the teacher Mirajane was also a blessing to work with.

Storytime was probably Lucy’s favorite part of the day.  Books had always been her sanctum even from a young age and to impart that same love into these children was like paying it forward for the new generation.  They would gather round her with their snacks, the eager little faces and once a week she even delighted them with original little stories she would create just for them.  Filled with characters like Princesses and Dragons, of mythical elves and other magical creatures, even using their names mixed in to make it come alive for the awestruck youngsters.

Lucy smiles from her desk, this school year was shaping up to be a great one.

Across town at Magnolia University, a young man hurries out of class.  Checking his phone, he’s got 30 minutes to get to the primary school and pick up his sister, but traffic is often a pain at this hour.  His sister-in-law Mavis usually picked Wendy up but today she had an appointment leaving Natsu to rush.  It’s been a struggle for the 24-year-old, being thrust into the role of guardian at the age of 20, to drop out of college and take time off to raise a 2-year-old.  Not that it mattered, there was no way he was going to allow Wendy to be sent to a foster home after their parents died.  It wasn’t her fault tragedy struck and left her an orphan, so he was going to lavish that little girl with all the love and affection their parents would have given her.

He thrums his fingers on the steering wheel, as the car slowly crawled its way towards the front of the school.  The line of parents patiently waiting to pick up kids was pretty typical, however annoying it may be, but a requirement for the students in kindergarten and first grades for release at the end of the day.  Teachers and security waited with the children, handing them off as each car pulled up.  Natsu smiles when he finally sees the tell-tale blue hair of Wendy bouncing as she waves to him.

“How was your day at school Wendy?” popping the question as the first grader buckled herself in to her booster.  

With a click and a bubbly response, “lots’a fun!  We drew and Ms. Lucy read us a story!  Ms. Lucy always has awesomest stories to tell!  Yuck, then Mrs. Dreyar gave us reading to do.”  

Natsu chuckles, side-eying through the rearview, “What’s with the pouty face?  I thought you like reading?”

“Not for homework.  I wanna read for fun!”

That only makes him laugh harder, “tell ya what, how about we get some ice cream at the mall, then I’ll read with you, sound better?”

Wendy’s face lights up, “Yay!  Ice Cream!”

“Kozmic Cones it is!”

On the opposite side of the mall nestled near the food court, Faeries Café was a popular little hangout.  Good food that even a college kid could afford drew them in at all hours of the day. Lucy was no exception and today was her weekly meet up with her best friend Levy McGarden for coffee.  It had become a routine ever since they’d finished their undergraduate programs and moved on to graduate work, she in the field of English Lit while Levy focused on Ancient Linguistics.  Between classes and working jobs they rarely had much time anymore to hang out.  

“How are things going with Gajeel,” the blonde stirred at the slowly warming coffee, “did you guys pick a date for the wedding yet?”

“He said not until after I graduate, which is only one more semester, so I agreed.”

Lucy leans onto her propped hand with a light smile, “You’re so lucky you found someone already Lev, I’m really happy for you two.”

“Aww, Lu you’ll find someone,” the bluenette reaches over the table and grabs her friend’s free hand, squeezing it before retracting back into her seat, “and I bet it’ll happen when you least expect it to.”

But the blonde just sighs, “Doubt it, I’m so busy I don’t have time to meet anyone unless they are under the age of 7,” chuckling lightly, “and no one in my college classes are very interesting to me.”

“You haven’t dated anyone since him that I can recall.”  Levy taps her chin, “maybe it’s not that you can’t but won’t look at anyone else.”

“What are you my psychiatrist now?!”  teasing at her friend.  “I’m fine, really, not like I don’t have enough on my plate to deal with, right? And as for my ex,” Lucy shrugs her shoulders, “we lost touch in college…”

The girls spend about an hour chatting and catching up, planning that upcoming weekend when another friend will be dropping by town.  Cana Alberona was never one to stay still for very long but luckily her job in fashion fit her personality well, jet setting around to photograph models and actors for Sorcerer’s Magazine.  She was so different in personality from the other two girls and yet the trio were inseparable in high school.  It wasn’t really their thing, but for Cana, hitting a bar or club was definitely going to be on the agenda.

Which was fine, she guessed, nothing wrong with hanging out with a couple of girlfriends at a bar.  Hopefully no one bothers us….  Ugh, but some guy always does!  As she walked away from the café, Lucy hangs her head wondering if her love life would always be a struggle.  She was sick and tired of even trying to meet guys when it usually turned out they only wanted her, sighing, for my assets….  It wasn’t her fault she was born with these curves, even thought about getting a reduction one day just so she didn’t have to deal with them anymore.  

There had only been one serious relationship in her life and while the guy definitely loved her body, Lucy knew it wasn’t the reason he’d asked her out in the first place.  Back then surrounded by so many friends, she’d never cared much about having boyfriends or being in relationships but funny how things change and now 5 years later, it was kind of lonely.  

She sees the wishing well a few feet away, absent mindedly pulling out a coin as she walked towards it. It was such a silly thing to make a wish and throw away a perfectly good quarter but well, flicking the shiny metal into the water, what could it hurt, right?  To have someone like him back in her life again, maybe the false smiles she wore would finally be real.

“Ms. LUCY!!!”

“Wendy?”  The young blonde turns around to the voice of her student, semi-surprised though this was a mall and all, just in time to have the little girl hugging to her legs.  “Wendy, what a nice surprise to see you here!” Lucy hugs the girl back, “but who are you with sweetie?”

The little girl, with eyes practically shining, bounces on her feet pointing behind her, “my brother gots me ice cream.”

“Your broth…” As she follows Wendy finger, Lucy cannot believe what she’s seeing.  “N-Natsu!” a light gasp as her hands fly up to her mouth and moisture clouds her vision.  “Oh my god! I-Is it really you?”  

Sporting the trade mark goofy grin that she knew better than most plastered on his face, “Yeah it’s me, heya Lucy,” scratching his head, “Didn’t realize you were the teacher she always talks about.  How ya been?”

Tears trickle down her cheeks and before she can stop them, her feet carry her towards him, hands flying into fists.  In that moment Lucy’s surroundings fade away and all she can see is Natsu, standing there in the flesh.  No Wendy, no shoppers, just him.  “Why!?” She beats at his chest, “no calls, no texts, no goodbye!  Four years! Y-you just left me hanging how could you Natsu!”  

“Luce…” he had no idea what he could say to the sobbing woman in his arms to slow her tears, grabbing her hands to stop their fury but keeping them held tightly to his chest. She was right, everything she said was the truth.  Natsu was an asshole for not making the effort to contact her as soon as he could, and he knew that.  So, he did the only thing he could and held her quietly, whispering soft apologizes and hoping it would be enough to soothe the pain he never knew she had held onto.        

Eventually Lucy slumps against him, liquid still flowing but her sobs withering into lighter exhalations. “I’m sorry,” her voice strained and muffled, “I didn’t mean to break down like that.”

“No,” Natsu pulls her head against his shoulder, cradling the back of her head, “don’t be sorry, I should have reached out to you too it’s just that…”

“I know about your parents….  I ran into Gray a couple years ago and he told me that’s what happened.”  Lucy pushes away just enough to look up at the taller man. “Natsu I would have been there for you if you’d have let me, you didn’t have to do it all alone.”

“I know Luce…. We…”

A meek voice breaks through the din, “I-Is Ms. Lucy okay?”

“Oh my!” Lucy pushes away and drops to her knees beside the little girl, followed quickly by the elder brother.  Still wiping away the streaks of salty liquid, Lucy takes the child’s hand, “I’m so sorry you had to see that Wendy.  I’m okay really, I am I promise.  We,” glancing to Natsu who nods, “we went to high school together and haven’t seen each other in a long time.”

The poor child’s face is still sullen and full of worry.  “Are you, are you mad at my brother Ms. Lucy?  Did my brother hurt you?”

“He…”

Natsu put his hand on Lucy’s shoulder, cutting off her response.  Turning to his little sister, “I did, a long time ago when you were still very young, I made Lucy very, very sad.”

“But he didn’t mean to sweetie,” Lucy chimes in trying to comfort the child, “your brother was going through a lot of things and it just happened.”

“So, you really aren’t mad at my brother?”

“No, I’m not,” the woman smiles.  “I rather like your brother a lot.”  Lucy feels the warmth tingling in her cheeks but does her best not to show it.  “He’s, you know like how we learned about the bad guys and the good guys in class?”  The child nods.  “Your brother is one of the good guys.”

That brings a delighted smile back to Wendy’s face.  “I think so too!  He takes really good care of me after mommy and daddy died.”  

“I’m sure he does,” Lucy smiles back.

“Wendy, honey,” Natsu steps in handing out some change to the girl, “would you like to go make some wishes while I finish talking to Ms. Lucy?”  The child looks to her teacher, then back to her brother nodding, taking the change and skipping off to the wishing well.  “What’s the odds that she’d end up in your class?” turning to the girl still crouched, Natsu helps Lucy to her feet, “or running into each other at the mall’s wishing well?”

Lucy shakes her head rather than respond.  Magnolia wasn’t a large city, it was bound to happen sooner or later so there was no point in making it out to be anything more than mere coincidence.  “I-I sh-should probably go so you can get back to Wendy.” Lucy turns away.  “I must look like a mess right now…”  

“You are still just as beautiful as the last time I saw you.”

The blonde stiffens. His words…. His tone… sends an electric shock through her frame.  Tingling along her skin when his hand comes to rest on her shoulder and the heat radiating from his body infringing upon her space.  

“I’m such an idiot for letting you go once.  You must be settled down by now with someone….”

She shakes her head, refusing to turn around, and answering in a soft tone, “there hasn’t really been anyone since you.  No one’s ever treated me…. the way you used to treated me…”

One hand on her shoulder turns into two around her waist.  “I don’t expect you to forgive me Luce, but if it’s any consolation, I still love you, maybe even more now, knowing how much Wendy adores you too.”  Lucy squeezes her eyes shut, willing back the tears again. “Would you give me a second chance?”

“Please say Yes!”  The young man and woman’s heads whip around to see a beaming Wendy practically bouncing.  “Please say yes Ms. Lucy!”

Natsu let go of Lucy’s waist, turning her to face him.  “Well, Ms. Lucy?”  A large grin growing on his face with the thought of buying his sister that new dress she’s been fawning over.  “You wouldn’t want to make your student sad, would you?”

“Gah, you really haven’t changed,” she punches his arm, playfully with a smirk.  “Lucky you,” grabbing his shirt, “I still love that goofier side,” and pulling him down for a kiss….  

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

back

03/04/17 || 1:14 am

I picked up today. 2.5gs I somehow ended up back here. She was understandably disappointed and frustrated. Ironic that it’s today. Seeing how I was crossfaded af yesterday night, and tomorrow I have therapy. I have 6.5-7 lines set up. Let’s do this.

Started off with the 2 smaller lines. 

I want that high full force. I’m doing one more.

Still not quite there, going to do half of one.

1:39 am

I did a bit more a bit ago. I think she fell asleep. She doesn’t think she can help me anymore I think. Also, she said something that sort of made me appreciate her a bit more. When she said she doesn’t want to give in to me like she did to him. In a way that’s both comforting and hurting at the same time. Oh well. 

This...numbing...the clearness...the adrenaline...yet relaxation...I missed this. 

Nevermind she’s not asleep. We’re talking about the whole how I learned how to tie a noose yesterday.

I don’t know what I need help with. Not for like myself, but figuring out wise. Maybe the therapist thing will help with that, maybe I do have a problem and I’m afraid to admit it. But as it is now, I just know I’m trying to figure out something related to her and probably him too, I just don’t know what. I’m hoping I have an epiphany or something and find out.

1:45 am

Going to do the other half of a line I did earlier.

1:58 am

I have one line left. I might get some more. I just said something to her that made me realize it while I said it. I can’t run away anymore without the help of something. I don’t know if that;s a normal or a bad thing, but it’s the truth. Substances are the best distraction, because they don’t let me think as much as I do.

2:03 am

Great, I just admitted to her that in ways I’m more of a coward then him. Wonderful.

Fucking gotta love coke, letting me admit all kinds of things I would never sober.

2:11 am

She went to go sleep. I think I’m going to do the rest pretty soon. I sort of want to get some more out but I don’t know if should. Probably not of course but...yeah.

2:16 am

Did the rest. I think I might do a little more. The lines looked small in the first place anyways. Also, talked to him super briefly about the therapist, then he went mia when I asked him how he’s feeling...

2:23 am

I set up 4 more decently sized lines. Going to do one right now.

2:31 am

I’m reading our conversation from last night, when I was crossfaded and drunk out of my mind. Going to do another line, it’s a smaller one anyways so the whole line should do for now.

It’s 7 minutes later and I feel a little bit too sober rn even tho I’m not at all, I’m going to do half of a line.

2:42 am

I’m going to do the rest of the line I started. Whoa just felt a little dizzy for a second, probably because I was sucking in through my nose like mad just now lol.

2:47 am

I’m going to go do the thing and probably do my last line while or right before I am. I’m going to keep this open...maybe I’ll have some sort of final thought.

3:17 am

Honestly I’m just exhausted...but I sort of want to do a bit more. This is so bad. So so bad. But I want to do a bit more...Just a little. Then I’m actually done. For real...hopefully...

I’m going to wait a bit...maybe I don’t need more. Hopefully I don’t.

3:26 am

I feel like I’m slowly slipping back in to reality. I don’t like it...makes me anxious. Also downloading the new ed sheeran album right now.

3:30 am

I feel a bit uncomfortable around my chest. Guess that means I shouldn’t do anymore...even though I still sort of want too...sigh

I’m so awake. So sober. I don’t like this. I hate it. 

3:43 am

I made 3 more lines. This is the last for tonight. For sure this time. I’m going to either do the whole thing or half right now, depends how I feel. Also, the ed sheeran album is a pleasant surprise.

I did half. That burned my nose a little, fuck.

Sorry Ed, but it’s time for Adele for sure right now.

If I OD tonight...I guess that’s it. I don’t really know where I was going with this. I’m going to do the other half of the line right now even though I normally wouldn’t with how I’m feeling, I want to see if I can get even higher.

Also, switched halfway through someone like you to when i was your man. I want to switch again, probably i’m not the only one.

God that first drum/kick just gets me everytime, this song is honestly a masterpiece.

Switched to stay by rihanna.

3:52 am

Everything suddenly feels like it’s slowing down now, relaxing, releasing tension. I sort of want to do another line, but at the same time want to wait so I can enjoy this for at least a little longer...

Switched to young and beautiful by lana del rey.

I feel like doing one entire line right now might be too much but I sort of don’t care... Probably will just do half and do the other half again soon.

Holy shit lana del rey is so pretty in the music video for the song. Never realized.

This song is the only one I’ve fully sat through so far without switching. Interesting.

I put on haley reinhart’s cover of can’t help falling in love.

Just did the other half of the line. 

4:01 am

Why do I feel so sober today.... I dont understand. It’s definitely not because I didn’t do enough.. Realistically it’s purity, but my gut tells me it’s my mind, my psych keeping me feeling awake and very aware, overly aware of the shitty anxiety and emotions that life has just been giving me lately.

Also, listening to haley’s cover of creep.

I was going to listen to the pmj version of habits, still might really briefly, but now I want to listen to the emmylou cover.

How does it work when you pick the person who barely seems to put in effort over someone whose always been there lol. I’m not even trying to be salty, I just don’t understand, but that’s love right? I’m not even going to bother ranting about this, I have enough, this tumblr is proof of that.

I will say this, the thing that liquor has over other things is that it makes you open up really easily, helps you encounter your emotions. Coke is the opposite I fee like, it numbs you out and even though you might be aware of them, they dont actually affect you as they normally would.

4:10 am

I saw the picture I took while wasted at the park by her place last night. The quote...I’m glad I did. Also I feel too sober again. Time to finish off doing it all... I’m going to wait a little more though...just a little more.

I started going through the screenshots I took whenever she recommended me songs, none of them I’m feeling too much but it’s nice. 

Holy shit, I found this song called say you won’t let go by someone named james arthur, I’m definitely late on this but I’m glad I found it now at least. It’s so good.

Listening to a song called perfect from ed’s new album. Oh wait I’ve heard this before. But it definitely didn’t sound this good. Probably because I’ve never properly heard it haha, just heard bits and pieces.

I’m going to do the rest in a minute, or actually maybe at 4:20 haha.

4:22 am

I just did the last one, and of course I feel like I want more. No more though, that’s more then enough for tonight. 

She wasn’t lying, save myself is really good.

I don’t know what’s the right thing for them anymore. I don’t know if I should be caring. I don’t know if I want to care. I don’t know why I do. But I know that as of right now and up until now, I always have. I don’t think there’s anything I can do for him, not unless he completely opens up to me which I know he won’t. So I’m hoping that at least he will to the therapist, that’s their job anyways, so I’m hoping that’ll help him with his problem. 

She on the other hand is more complicated...so many different things are contributing to her seemingly never ending problems. Maybe I’m being cocky and assuming wrongly, but I don’t think I am. Between her court case, her dad, school, the stress from his school work, her cautiousness with her relationship, she just has so much. Before, I felt like I could at the very least help with any problems she had about her relationship...but lately it feels like I can’t. She said she’s going to see someone too, so hopefully that helps with at least a lot of her problems. 

Then there’s me, the substance abusing, lying, untrustworthy, failure and disappointment that I am. Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself, but lately it’s been feeling like that is really the case. I still don’t know what my problem is, what the root of it is. I really think if I did have a problem, at most it be substance abuse. (Also holy fuck I feel so sober fuck me) Since that’s what I seem to turn too every time I can’t figure something out or don’t want to think about something. I’m very much aware of the “elephant in the room,” which is that this all probably was caused from me being in the middle, being between them and having to watch out and care and be there. But I refuse to think that that is the reason I’m like this. If anything, it’s because I’m weak. I had a moment of weakness that led to this. Am I addicted? Maybe, I don’t know, only time will tell for sure, not to be cliche. I don’t know what I’m going to tell the therapist tomorrow. An hour to tell someone all my problems...everything that’s been on my mind. Not bad, but I don’t think I’ll be able to properly open up, because of the 1 hour time constraint, and also because I just really can’t to randome people, it’s too weird, unnatural. Maybe I’ll show her my tumblr posts. Probably so random for her, but I actually might. It’s the closest to the truth that there is in terms of what I really think.

I wonder if I’ll start to feel suicidal again now that I’m doing white again. I did quite a lot tonight too, at least compared to what I normally do. I think I’ll be fine, but I do have a slight headache and minimal chest pain. It’s a decent trade off for the peace and other things that being high off it lets me.

Wow, this album is definitely a lot better then I expected. I’ve never actually properly listened to his songs, but wow this album has some great songs. Happier and Save Myself are for sure my favorites right now.

I still don’t know if I’m still hung up on her. Part of me thinks I’m not, the other is not too sure. Whatever, I don’t really care right now, have to make sure they’re happy first. Then I can worry about things like that then. 

I want to be sad as ridiculous as that sounds, but I can’t because of the coke, one of the things that is both a negative and a positive depending on why you’re doing it. 

4:41 am

Just giving a time update. Been listening to Dive from the album, it’s also good. This album is not disappointing at all. 

Listening to Supermarket Flowers now. What a name for a song, it says so much on it’s own, just from the title. 

I think I’ll listen to his more upbeat songs later. I’m in the mood for slower songs right now, and his are definitely hitting the mark. Also the process of sobering up from coke is not that pleasant lol. I can’t tell if I’m still high or not. I just had the thought of doing more and for a second was tempted. fuck lol. Or as you would say in mando, wo cao haha. Fuck me is right....

4:49 am

I should probably sleep soon, it’s getting late. But I found myself reading what she said to me yesterday again. I have Save Myself on repeat going right now. I don’t know what I’m trying to feel or think right now...but I just know I do, ironically enough.

4:53 am

I just finished reading it, again. I got this feeling while reading it that I feel like maybe, I don’t know for sure, it’s just a guess, but maybe I lost myself. I don’t know when, I feel like it must be pretty recent, but if it happened, it definitely happened during or after that first period of time I was doing blow regularly. I’m trying to figure out why, how I lost myself. Going to go through my tumblr post to see if I can’t realize anything from it. 

4:58 am

I’m going through them right now, and I realized I forgot about something that’s been with me all my life, my want to have someone to love, something that’s not one-sided like it always seems to be. I feel like I’m slowly remembering who I am? Or maybe not and I’m just being delusional, I am high after all. I think. Also, my posts before about why I don’t feel that way for her anymore sort of helped me stop doubting it. Not completely, but nearly all of it.

5:02 am

I’ve narrowed it down to 2 possibilities. One is that it happened early December, around when I posted the one titled “Tired,” I talk about feeling done, fed up with it all. And unless I’m mistaken, I’m pretty sure that was the first time I ever felt that way about anything related to their relationship. The more I write and think about it, I’m convinced that this was when I started to slowly but surely lose myself. The other possibility I was thinking was that it happened around mid December, when I wrote the post titled “Empty.” I think that was probably one of the first or if anything the first of many days at the time that I felt really empty, really alone, like I was nothing but a shell of a human being. Yeah... based off what I wrote at the time, I lost the energy, the will to keep living at the time of writing, or around it I guess.

Both seem like pretty solid possibilities, but either ways I was right. It was while I was starting to use coke more often. I don’t know if the coke was a contributing factor to it happening, probably was knowing it’s side effects on your mood and emotions, but it definitely stemmed from where I always thought it did. Doesn’t matter now how or why it started though. I need to start finding myself I think, that’s the only thing I can think of that might work in terms of helping me get out of whatever this is, this “drowning” as she called it. But how? How do I find myself? What does it even mean to find yourself... I guess I know what I’m asking the therapist tomorrow...she’s a professional after all...hopefully she knows. 

I don’t really have the suicidal thoughts or anything like that anymore, haven’t for the past while since I stopped using. But I’m going to guess that it’ll come back since I’m doing coke again. 

So I’m writing this to future me, to the possible me that might be suicidal, thinking of ending it all. The one who will lose the will to live again, the energy to try for anything, who feels like he has no passions, no reason, no purpose in this life. You’re right. You’re probably right about a lot of the shit happening to you. You’ve always been real with yourself at the very least even if you aren’t to nearly everyone else. So I’m sure you know what you’re over exaggerating and what you’re not. But remember that you do have a purpose, at the very least for now. It’s to be a good brother and son for your family. To learn mandarin and maybe be successful enough where...maybe one day you can pay back your dad for everything he’s ever done and gone through, to make sure you, mom and your sister are able to live happily. Remember that you are fortunate enough to have friends in your life, who are more then just that title.  People who rely on you, and need you to be there, alive and well, even if it might not always seem that way. People who genuinely care about you from the bottom of their heart. Remember that you have someone in your life that you pretty much place above nearly everything else. Because somewhere along the line you decided to make sure you do everything that you can to make them happy. Remember that you used to once have dreams and aspirations as a child, that once there was a time when you had no responsibilities and lived carefree, and wanted nothing but just another good day. Remember all the heartbreaks and one sided crushes that made you want that special someone in your life as much as you do. Remember that, at the very least according to her, there is always a light. It might be hard to see, and at time feel impossible to find, but if that happens, you let yourself be guided by the people who love you and care for you, you let them take you to the light, to a better place, to a place in life where not everything seems as lost. Everything happens for a reason, might not always seem that way, might seem like things just happen for no reason other then to take you down, but for sure if you can get through it, you will come out even stronger. Things get better, they always do with time. There’s a reason why you always say it to her. It’s because while it seems far-fetched, it’s the truth. Things will always eventually get better. It might take a long time, might seem impossible, but it always eventually will. Life has it’s up and downs, there’s no such thing as a life with no moments of sadness, anger, and all that. But the reason why life is worth living is because the happy moments that also exist, that make you forget about everything bad, and just let you be happy and enjoy the moment. Stay strong. You’ll get through this.