Friends with benefits but the benefit is giving each other societally unacceptable long hugs and generally being more touchy while literally being friends and not actually a couple

Hi there, could you help me maybe label myself? I have a partner whom I love dearly. They're the only person who ever made me feel this way. Just a thought of being that intimate with someone else makes me nauseous. I used to think im demisexual and demiromantic but i guess my attraction is limited only to this particular person. I only want to be purely platonic with other people. Am I demi or aroace?

Yeah, demi is a possibility. Especially if you already had a bond with this person before you started being attracted to them.

Aroace is fine too, some aroace people will experience attraction rarely, so only having feelings for this one person still falls under the aroace umbrella.

Another label you may find useful is borearomantic/boreasexual, which means having an exception to your normal orientation. So if you normally have no feelings for anyone and then this one person is an exception to that than borea may be a good fit. Especially if it resonates with you.

Graysexual and grayromantic is another label people who experience attraction rarely will sometimes use. (Gray has two meanings, the other is an umbrella term for anyone who fits in that gray area between allo and ace/aro.)

A-spec, ace-spec/aro-spec, aroace-spec are others which are umbrella terms for the entire community (a-spec=all ace/aro spectrum identities, ace-spec=all ace spectrum identities, aro-spec=all aro spectrums identities, aroace-spec all aroace spectrum identities). And these ones sometimes appeal more to people who want to identify more broadly.

It's worth nothing that when get to this point in figuring out labels it starts to look more subjective, and there's multiple labels that may apply (including others I may not have considered here). So the question stops being 'what label is the most accurate' because they're all accurate, and it starts being 'what way of labeling myself is useful? What makes sense to me? What describes me how I want to be described?' Or even 'what appeals to me?'

These labels also aren't mutually exclusive, you can use one, or a few or all of them or none of them if you want to. Basically at this point you're going with what feels right. And feel free to play around with things too, or try on a label to see how it feels. I always liked the metaphor that labels are like clothes, see what fits and what feels comfortable, go with what fits your style and don't be afraid to discard anything that doesn't fit right or you're not liking.

All the best!

I don't know if I can tell whether the fact that I don't want to use an ace-spec label (despite the fact that it's probably accurate) is internalised acephobia or something else. I've identified as an aro bisexual for years and years now and being aromantic is one of the most important parts of my identity to me. I liked being aro allo but I don't... actually think that I am. I can count the number of real life people I've wanted to have sex with on one hand. I've identified as ace in the past and yet calling myself aroace now feels uncomfortable, like it isn't quite right. Idk, I guess what I'm asking is like. Does it matter? Do I need to figure this out? Does this part of myself need to be acknowledge when it really doesn't change anything for me? Do other people have any right to know how I feel? Idk, idk, idk.

Definitely you do not have to use a label that you’re not comfortable with. I like to look at labels as tools, take the ones that are useful, but leave the ones that aren’t. If at this time a label doesn’t feel useful for you, you’re allowed to just leave it. 

Could there be some internalized acephobia going on? It’s possible, but even if we assume that that’s the case, I still wouldn’t recommend forcing yourself to use any ace-spec labels if you’re not currently comfortable with.

If you’re really concerned it could be internalized acephobia and that’s something you want to work on, the usual advice applies, which includes cutting out as much as you can any acephobic or anti-ace people or media (actually this is always a good idea no matter what). Avoiding anything that puts being sexual or sex in general on a pedestal. Exposing yourself to ace stuff (which could include following blogs, joining a-spec communities that are inclusive of aros who aren’t ace--and most aro communities unless they’re specifically set up for alloaros or non-ace aros will have a lot of aces too--consuming media with ace characters, etc.). And just in general regularly reminding yourself there’s nothing wrong with identifying as ace, even if it may not be right for you personally. 

And if you decide to do this (it is optional), and you find ace-spec labels still don’t feel right to use, then that’ll probably give you your answer. But if you’re not comfortable with it or even if you don’t really want to, don’t feel pressured. I’m mostly putting it out in case it’s something you want to do or you’re really concerned about.

“Does it matter?” Only if it matters to you. Your sexual orientation is your business, and if you want to you don’t even have to identify with one at all. Some aros identify only as aro (some people use unit aro for this, but you can also just straight up use aro and nothing else). So that can be another option to consider too, though you can also just stick with bisexual. It’s about what feels right for you.

But yeah at the end of the day what labels are useful for you, and what you’re comfortable with or what works for you matters more than accuracy. And you never have to use a label you don’t want to, so it doesn’t matter how much ace or ace-spec or any of those labels may describe you, it’s still your choice at the end of the day if it fits you or not.

All the best, Anon!