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devildom-moss · 7 months

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idk how to verbalise this idea properly so bear with me but: mc whose entire logic in life is 'fuck it we ball' including when it comes to romance, so they just completely go along with any attempts at flirting in a sort of "yes, and-" fashion

which probably only encourages said suitor and then mc has the Audacity to be surprised when it gets intense enough for them to realise they're actually being seduced lol

gn mc with just the brothers for now pls!! thank u for your services

Hopefully this request is what you were looking for. Honestly, I had a bit of confusion while writing, but I tried. I went with headcanons because that seemed like the best fit. Thanks for the request.

gn!MC who casually flirts back with the demon brothers headcanons

(and then has the audacity to be surprised that they're being genuinely pursued)

(Suggestive)

Word Count: +2700

Lucifer

Lucifer is an awful flirt, trying so hard to fluster MC and convince them of his dominance. (Where’s it at though? I don’t see it.) His flirting is so suggestive that it’s actually pretty easy to just assume it’s a bit of playful teasing between friends.

For MC, it plays out like those posts that say something and then escalate immediately – something like “Kiss your homies goodnight. Kiss them with tongue. Eat their ass.”

Having an MC who flirts back with him can be a bit embarrassing, and it gets Lucifer’s hopes up so much. (“Could you pour me another cup of coffee, MC?” “Third one this morning, Luci. Not sleeping well?” “I’m afraid not. Perhaps you should come over and help – but then again, we might not get much sleep if you do.” “Aw, Luci, do you want me to fuck you senseless to help you fall asleep?” “If you’re offering, who am I to refuse.”)

He’ll be frustrated that MC keeps flirting with him, but they never follow through.

Lucifer is so horny that it’s absurd. MC could be completely normal, and this man would be thirsting. (“I really don’t want to do this lesson. This chapter is so boring.” “Normally, I wouldn’t use positive reinforcement, but if you complete your work, I’ll reward you.” “What kind of reward?” “Come to my room tonight and find out.”)

Poor MC doesn’t realize they’re being seduced until Lucifer has dragged them into his bed.

“Sleep with me.” “I’m not really tired, Lucifer.” “Good. Then you’ll have plenty of energy to make out and maybe even fuck me – if you want.” His touch would be so intimate – rubbing their inner thigh or groping their ass. “IF I WHAT?!?”

Lucifer would turn pink up to his ears. Part of him thinks MC is just teasing him again, but he would quickly realize that they’re being genuine. He’d feel absolutely humiliated. Did they not want him at all? Did all of that flirting mean nothing?

Before he could die from the shame, Lucifer would manage to blurt out, “Do you want me or not?” He wants some honest commitment in return for his affection, and if MC won’t bring that, that’s unacceptable. Of course, there is some thrill in a chase, but in that moment, Lucifer won’t have it in him. It would be a battle to fight some other day.

If MC tells him no or gives a half-hearted response, he will ask them to leave his room with one hand covering his blushing face. He wouldn’t even be able to look at them as he closed the door – and he’d probably avoid them for a day or two. (Also, he might cry a little after the door is locked).

If MC insists that they do want him, he’ll be especially needy while also acting all sadistic – attempting to tease them to distract from his own embarrassment. This poor loser will require so many kisses to reinflate his ego.

Mammon

To be fair, Mammon would bring this upon himself. He loves to act like he’s uninterested – constantly interrupting his fawning and puppy-like following of MC to save himself from the absolute humiliation of being *gasp* honest about his feelings.

I can see Mammon regularly initiating flirting, but this man can’t follow through to save his own life (maybe to save the life of someone else, though). An MC who reciprocates his flirting would leave him a blushing, flustered mess. Most of the time, his embarrassment cuts the interaction short.

“Ya just can’t get enough of the Great Mammon, can ya?” “Of course not, you handsome devil~” “I- uh! Hmph! Damn right!” he’d say it, crossing his arms and avoiding eye contact while the blush rises in his cheeks. How is MC supposed to respond?

If they tease him further and flirt more, he’ll just yell and tell them to knock it off. If they just shrug it off and move on, Mammon will be too flustered to make another move on them that day. The flirtatious spark just kind of fizzles out like a defective firecracker.

It takes a lot of boldness on Mammon’s end to get MC to realize he’s being serious. And honestly, Mammon is so adorable, MC may have the opportunity to take the initiative and push things a little further first. (You want to tell me most MCs could just flirt with Mammon, reducing him to a blushing, aggressive mess, and go back to watching that movie or playing that video game upon Mammon’s belligerent demand, and not want to kiss his face? Okay, sure.)

But let’s ignore that thought and say MC follows Mammon’s flirting in the “yes, and” fashion. After Mammon continuously sabotages his own chances, eventually, he’s going to get so frustrated that he will smother his own shyness long enough to get what he wants.

He’ll get MC alone and string together some make-shift confession – a plea for more. “Ya know, if ya wanna kiss the Great Mammon or somethin’, I’m not gonna stop ya – like, I mean, I want a little more outta ya. So, don’t hold back just cause ya think I don’t want to or nothin’.” (translation: Please kiss me. I know I act like I don’t want you, but I really, really want you to kiss me. Please, please, please.)

His face will burn, and a blush will work its way up to his ears. It’ll be hard to deny the intensity of his feelings, and it will weigh down on MC – a truth previously held in a bag on their back, tethered to dozens of helium balloons that disguised its weight, and then suddenly found every string cut loose by Mammon’s admission. He really loved them. For his confession, all Mammon would get was a stunned but heartfelt “oh.”

He gets so upset and embarrassed that MC didn’t realize he was being serious before. He went on a rollercoaster of emotions; meanwhile, this whole time, they hadn’t even taken his advances in earnest. It’s practically offensive.

The only remedy for Mammon’s bruised dignity is for MC to immediately hold and kiss him until he’s temporarily satisfied. (“Ya owe me big time for not takin’ me seriously.”)

Leviathan

I mean, he kind of has to flirt before MC can flirt back – unless we’re going to count accidentally blurting out his innermost perverted desires as flirting. Sure, I suppose it’s basically flirting to tell someone “It’s sexy when you tell me what to do. I can’t stop imagining you doing that in other settings.”

He’s so bad at flirting that nothing will happen for a long time after he realizes he’s head over heels. Levi is fine spending the rest of his (or at least MC’s) life pining for them – or at least he believes that. But the longing and desire will start to creep in, and he’ll wonder how much he can ask from MC. Friends can hold hands and maybe even cuddle, right? Maybe even kiss? Could they even –?

The thoughts eat away at him until he can’t wait for MC to make the move anymore. It slips out of him like some mating request written by Dr. Suess: “Would you –? Could you –? With an otaku? A gross, disgusting one, too?”

Levi is so visibly flustered that he doesn’t leave much room for ignorance. Even the most extreme masochist wouldn’t subject themselves to the furiously blushing, trembling state that Leviathan had worked himself into. He’d be on the brink of tears. All his hope in the world would be precariously perched on a ledge, awaiting your response.

I can’t see MC not knowing that Levi was attempting to seduce them, but perhaps the timing of it came as a surprise. Or perhaps they had never taken his affection seriously. He has so many favorites that he can’t pursue; just because he has a massive crush on MC doesn’t mean he had plans to act on it.

He will get even more embarrassed and down on himself to know that MC didn’t take him seriously at first. He understands, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

He will require physical reassurance – as much of it as MC is willing to give him. And honestly, if MC doesn’t end up kissing him until he forgets how to think after his confession, he’ll probably hide in his room for a few weeks purely out of shame.

Satan

With an MC like this, the back-and-forth flirting goes on for an inordinate amount of time. Satan is not a flirt by any definition, but when there’s someone he likes, he knows how to turn on the charm. He’s smart, passionate, and mentally quick on his feet; he’s a natural charmer for the right audience.

Satan moves pretty slow when romance is concerned. If Levi wasn’t such a hopeless cause (affectionately), Satan would probably be the slowest to escalate a romantic relationship. He and MC will have a dozen dates under their belts before the desire for more had become an unbearable burden for Satan to silently ignore.

Eventually, Satan would find himself reading in his room with MC, unable to hold back anymore. He would ask, “Would you mind if I kissed you?” “No, I don’t mind if you want to.” “Could I kiss you now?” “Eh, sure.”

Everything up to that point could have been misread as platonic or some casual interest – maybe even curiosity on his end.

But he was serious, and it was evident in the way he approached MC to collect that kiss. He would straddle their hips, set their book aside (face down to mark the page like a real gentleman), and lean down for the kiss. Then, his lips would move against theirs, and the smallest sigh would escape him like a quiet release of sexual tension that had pressurized his entire body. Then, it would all click for MC.

Surprisingly, he wouldn’t be upset or humiliated if MC hadn’t taken him seriously before. In fact, he sees it as more of a personal failing, and in a low, seductive voice, he would tell them, “Allow me to prove how genuine and deep my feelings are for you.”

Asmodeus

He flirts with everyone, so how was MC supposed to know??

He asks them on dates so often. He’s probably the only one who could make out with MC and they’d still think, “yeah, we’re besties” because when Asmo pulls away with a giggle and a grin, telling them how much fun that was, it doesn’t feel serious.

It would take a moment of angst – either Asmo feeling like MC doesn’t take his advances seriously enough (and they don’t) or MC getting down on themselves – for them to realize.

Asmo would pull them into his room and leave small kisses all over them, peppering in compliments. “You’re so gorgeous, and I adore looking at your face.” Then, he would kiss their cheek. “You’re such a sweetheart.” Then, the other cheek. “I always have so much fun when I’m with you. I don’t ever want you to leave my side.” He would kiss their forehead. “I want you to feel confident; you’re such a wonderful soul.” (He would probably add more compliments if MC was feeling self-conscious.)

His words would get sweeter and more honest. “I feel seen in your eyes – like every part of me is accepted. I don’t have to play it up or try.” He would work his way down their neck with soft pecks to their skin. “I want to share everything beautiful in this world with you.” In part to avoid meeting their gaze. “I want to make you smile with everything I have.” And in part so he could whisper the words into their ear. “I want to help you whenever you need me. I’ll sit right next to you through any pain and hardships you encounter.” No one else had earned the right to hear his praise and affection. “I want to be a comfort for you – someone you can return to like a home.”

Finally, he would face them with a striking affection. “You know I’m in love with you, right? It’s not just lust and fun. You’re everything. You matter the most – after me, of course. It’s me and you and everything else.”

Asmo seduces everyone. That isn’t shocking. But this was more than seduction. It was genuine courtship. He won’t fault MC for being surprised. It caught him off guard too.

Beelzebub

Beel is not super flirty, but he makes it known that he cares through his actions. So, there aren’t many opportunities for MC to “yes, and” flirt back with him.

He asks them out to get food often and brings them snacks, but that doesn’t signal any romantic intentions. Sometimes he might stare at MC affectionately or admit how happy he is to spend time with them, but it’s nowhere near intense.

Sometimes, he asks for something more selfish. It starts small: petting his head, holding his hand, hugging him. None of those register as seduction from Beel for MC, especially compared to the affectionate nature of his twin. In fact, no one would fault MC for thinking these were platonic wants. After all, Beel has been through a lot. Sometimes this sweet, big baby boy just needs physical affection.

Then, he would get a bit bolder with his requests: “Could you feed me?” “Can I feed you?” “Would you hold me?”

As innocent and platonic as Beel may seem, he makes a lot of off-hand remarks that sound a bit perverted. “I bet MC’s lips would taste good.” “I wonder what you taste like.” “MC has nice hands. I bet they would feel good…” These comments could open the door for some flirting from MC, though. “Wanna taste me, Beel?” “Should I give you a massage? Or maybe something more?”

MC flirting with him would make his heart race. Even if MC didn’t follow through with their flirtatious offer, it would encourage Beel to keep pushing his luck.

Finally, he would ask, “Can I kiss you?”

Beel would look so shy and embarrassed, holding his hands awkwardly to his chest, that it would be hard not to take him seriously. The question – and his desire – would be a slight shock. Beel wouldn’t mind that MC was surprised, although he would be disappointed if he was turned down.

If MC takes him up on that offer, they will come to realize that his ravenous hunger showed itself through a kiss, too – as if he had been starving for MC’s touch and affection.

Belphegor

He’s so affectionate and cuddly. In that way, he’s similar to Asmo; it’s pretty hard to tell how serious and intense Belphie’s feelings are. He’s just kind of like that.

It’s common for Belphie to ask to be spoiled with affection – head pats, feeding him, hugging him, sleeping together, going out with him, praising him, holding his hand, being his pillow, etc.

His need for attention doesn’t cover up for how flushed his face gets when MC is the one to give him affection. His neediness doesn’t explain how much he clings to MC or how he blushes and tells them not to stop touching him.

So, actually, he’s less flirty than he is demanding of attention. Going along with his demands only encourages him to vocalize and act on more of his desires. He’d even ask permission to kiss them and to be kissed.

MC probably wouldn’t figure it out until Belphie starts sleepily trying to make out with them.

“Belphie, are you half-asleep?” “What? No. I’m awake. Why?” “That was a really heated kiss.” “Of course it was. Can we keep going?” “I’m sorry, what?”

“Don’t you like me back? We sleep together, go on dates, cuddle, and you even let me kiss your face and neck whenever I please. Don’t you want to go further?”

It hits them. Belphie can read the look of surprise on MC’s face, and it makes him pout. MC really should have known how he felt by then, but he’s confident that his affection is reciprocated before MC even responds.

“Sheesh. You’re really difficult, you know? I’ve had to do a lot of the work here because you’re so dense.” Belphie would straddle MC’s lap and take off his shirt. “I’ll let it go this time, but you better start putting in more effort from now on.”

A/N: Only about 1 hour left to vote in the poll. And we just got to 100 so y'all are getting 2 posts this month. Genuinely, I typed this a/n up, talking about only needing one more vote, checked it again, and the one vote is no longer needed. Good job, y'all. I swear if there are ties...

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sweetpandorabox · 1 year

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Peter Pevensie as a Boyfriend ⚔️🛡️

⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨sweetpandorabox୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎…⋙

Warnings ⚠️: Slight mentioned of sexual themes and some spicy stuff.

Dating this incredibly attractive, loyal protector and brave older Pevensie sibling could include:

👑👱🏻‍♂️🏰

He's really protective of you and often expresses how much he loves and cares for you, so much so that if anyone even tries to come close to hurting you by words or physically he won't hesitate to eliminate them.

He's quite a gentleman and believes that he has to take care of all the ladies in his life including his Mother, Susan, Lucy, and especially you. He would offer his arm when the two of you are waking together, he would bow to you when he greets you and he never lets you carry anything, Peter has that timeless chivalry personality about him.

Sword fighting lessons with him only for it to turn into an extremally spicy make-out session after, because of the build-up of sexual tension over time and the fact that he always wins with him pinning you down on the floor without even trying.

You are the only one that can calm him down after he blows up after fighting with his sibling or is stressing out about ruling Narnia.

He would see you falling asleep nearby the entrance of the castle waiting for him to return from a patrol ride around Narnia which he finds to be the most precious thing, then he'll pick you up in his arm and carry you to sleep in his bedroom and not your own one.

He calls you cute nicknames like Darling, Pretty, Lovely, or Princess.

Likes when you call him Pete, Darling, Sugar, or Your Highness (He likes when you call him that because it sounds so seductive coming from your mouth).

His love language is probably Acts of Services, sure he loves a good PDA once in a while and all the things you both did together as a date, but he's a natural server and protector. He shows his love by protecting you, making sure you're fed well and healthy, or the little things like helping you take off your gown, brushing your hair for you, or helping bathe you.

Ask for your input before making a big decision because he trusts you and relies on you for support especially if he has to debate it with his siblings first.

Horseback riding around the beach in Cair Paravel to watch the sunset, but the both of you would ride and share one horse with you sitting and wrapping your arm around his torso, while he leads the horse.

Whenever he sees you doing something and looks about busy he comes up behind you, and turns you to face him by spinning you around by the waist before caressing your cheek softly and then pulling you into a sweet yet passionate kiss.

He requests you specifically when he's hurt/injured after a battle or some tough fight training days to take care of him, like cleaning his wounds, being there to kiss him, holding his hand to lessen the pain, or performing some oral sex on him if he's in the mood (😏) instead of choosing his other loyal servants.

The two of you are always smiling around each other before it erupts into a fit of laughter out of nowhere ending up with you and Pete on the floor dying.

Lucy and Edmund would catch the both of you kissing or showing PDA somewhere then they'd look at each other and get grossed out saying "Eww" or "Get a room you two, there's a billion inside this castle", then you and Pete would somehow share the same mindset and start teasing them by kissing even more, or exaggerating the PDA until both Lucy and Edmund can't take anymore and run off, giving you and Pete a good laugh after.

When it comes to sex he's very gentle with you making sure to put you first before himself, despite how much you drive him crazy with lust because of how attractive you are to him, so it's mostly slow, passionate sex but he does love giving you a good hickey mark all over your neck and chest area or when you give him a bit of ear play to get him turned on.

He's actually quite funny intentionally most of the time and can be quite sassy as well which you find hilarious especially when he's annoyed, hungry, or frustrated.

Let's you wear and steal his white long-sleeve tunic for bed instead of proper pajamas because it looks adorable on you and fits slightly larger.

He falls for your cute puppy eyes every time, even if he says no multiple times or refuses your request at this moment it always works and he always says "Oh come on don't do this to me Darling" but then you'd plead and he would sigh before smiling and boom he says yes.

He never goes to sleep without solving a fight and he wouldn't let you sleep either until the both of you have a makeup kiss.

He doesn't seem to be the jealous type on the inside because he hides it so well from you, but when he sees someone staring at you for more than 5 seconds he rolls his eyes and kisses you out of nowhere.

Taglist:

@igncrantbliss @milivanili99 @thatdummy-girl @nighttimemoonlover

#peter pevensie #peter pevensie x reader #peter pevensie x you #headcanon #the pevensies #chronicles of narnia #narnia #narnia fanfiction #the chronicles of narnia #narnia fandom #fluff #romantic #imagines #imagine #aslan #cair paravel

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dukereviewsxtra · 4 years

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Duke Reviews Xtra: The 10th Kingdom Part 3

Part 3 Starts At Prince Wendell's Castle, Where The Royal Council Gets A Letter From Wendell (Coughs, The Evil Queen) Saying That He's Laying Low With A Sprained Ankle And Staying At The Royal Hunting Lodge Till It Gets Better...

With Most Of The Members Happy That Wendell Will Back In Time For The Big Day, One Member Is Not...

I Don't Remember These Guys Names So For Give Me If I Don't Call Them As Such...

Anyway With This One Guy Wondering Why Wendell Hasn't Done Anything About The Troll King's Challenge And His Invasion Of Beantown, He Decides To Go To The Royal Hunting Lodge To Tell Wendell About The Troll King Himself

However, There Are Eyes In That Room As The Queen Watches From One Of Her Mirrors, Contacting The Huntsman, She Sends Him To Kill The Guy Before He Tells The Council That Wendell's Letter Is A Fake...

So, He Kills Him As He Rides Back For The Castle On His Horse...

Meanwhile, Wolf And Tony Search For Virginia, Only To Hear A Wood Chopping Noise. Running Into A Woodsman With An Axe They Ask Him If That's The Magic Axe That Can Cut Through Anything...

Telling Them Maybe, He Says That They Can Have It If They Guess His Name And However, If They Haven't Guessed It By The Time He's Done Chopping All This Wood, He Will Have Wolf's Head.,,

This Leads To The Best Reaction Ever...

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(Start At 4:43, End At 4:58)

But Saying That He Knows His Name Wolf Sadly Goes Along With It, This Leads Tony To Say That His Name Is Rumplstiltskin, However, He Is Wrong Despite Saying It Again...

Tony Guesses Many Names Including Elvis And Ringo...

Go Figure...

But Eventually One Of The Talking Birds That Virginia Saved Appears And Whispers The Woodsman's Name To Tony (As It Was In The Woodsman's Hat) So He Can Say It To Save Wolf And Get The Axe So They Can Cut Virginia's Hair...

And Speaking Of Virginia, She Is Interrogated By The Huntsman Only To Be Taken To The Top Of Tree Where The Huntsman Relays His Backstory To Her, Saying That When The Queen Offered Him His Crossbow, He Killed His Own Son When He First Fired It...

Yeah, I Know It's Screwed Up, Even Virginia Thinks It's Screwed Up Believing That Everyone's Crazy Here...

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(Start At 2:35, End At 2:42)

About To Kill Her, The Huntsman Stops When He Realizes He Has Buisness Elsewhere And Leaves Virginia Where She Is, Promising To Deal With Her When He Gets Back..

Visited By Another One Of The Talking Birds She Saved, It Says That They'll Help Her One Last Time But That's It, Anyway, She Tells It To Find Tony And Wolf And Tell Them Where She Is...

Doing Just That, They Can't Find The Door Which Leads To Tony Suggesting To Chop The Tree Down, But Wolf Has A Better Plan By Using Virginia's Hair To Climb Up The Tree Like Rapunzel In The Tower...

Despite Virginia Being Against This Idea, They Do It Anyway...

Eventually Reaching The Top, Wolf Gets Virginia Free Only For The Huntsman To Return From Where He Went This Leads To A Fight Between Wolf And The Huntsman With Wolf Being The Inevitable Victor...

But Despite Wanting To Kill Him To Prevent Him From Going After Them, Virginia In An Act Of Pity, Has Wolf Spare The Huntsman's Life...

With Tony Digging The Golden Wendell Up, Wolf Uses The Axe To Cut Virginia's Hair, However, He Cuts It Shorter Than She Wanted...

Meanwhile In Beantown, The Queen Contacts The Troll King To Warn Him That His Invasion Is Inviting Trouble From The Other Kingdoms, But He Simply Says That He's Not Afraid Of Them And That He's Taking His Half Of The Kingdom Now Whether She Likes It Or Not....

Back In The Forest, Virginia And The Others Find Acorn And His Wagon, Asking Him For The Mirror While Telling Him Their Story, He Sadly Tells Them That He Doesn't Have It Anymore Saying That He Swapped It For Sheep...

Contacted By The Queen, Wolf Tells Her That He's Changed And Is No Longer In Her Service, This Leads Her To Remind Him That There's A Full Moon Out Tonight, Knowing That His Blood Is Already Boiling...

Eventually Breaking The Connection With The Queen, Wolf Goes With Virginia And Tony To The Village Where The Mirror Is...

While Slowly Transforming Into What I Like To Call PMS Wolf, What Do I Mean About That? Well, It Means Wolf's Emotions Are Going To Be Completely Mixed Going From Horny In One Moment To Cranky In Another While Also Causing Pointless Fights That Eventually Lead To The Wolf In Him Taking Over...

But We're Not There Yet So Be Patient...

Wolf Tries To Convince The Others Not To Go To The Village As He Has A Bad Feeling, But Determined To Get The Mirror Back, It Leads To Pointless Arguement #1 Between Wolf And Virginia...

Eventually Making Up With Virginia As They Arrive In Town, Our Heroes Are Met By A Shepardess Named Sally Peep (Played By Lucy Punch) Who Flirts With Wolf To Which Virginia Moves Him Along With Her And Tony...

As The Little Lamb Village Competition Goes On, Virginia And The Others Talk With The Village Idiot, Who Aside From Telling Them The Story About The Magic Wishing Well He Guards And About Prince Wendell's Coronation Gift, Doesn't Really Tell Them Much...

Spending The Night In A Barn, Wolf Acts Up Again, By Asking For A Rabbit To Cuddle Only To Lead To Pointless Argument #2...

With The Owner Of The Barn Pointing Tony And Virginia In The Direction Of The Judge Who Bought The Mirror, He Basically Tells Them Finders Keepers Losers Weepers And Says If They Continue Talking About It He'll Kick Them Out Of The Village...

With Wolf Arriving, Virginia Wonders What Happened To The Rabbit Only For Wolf To Say That He Hopped Away Despite Us Knowing That He Probably Ate Him...

Flirting With Sally Peep Again, Virginia Takes Wolf Back To The Barn When He Gets Into Trouble While Tony Sticks Around To Have A Couple More Drinks...

But Eventually Leaving The Bar, Tony Ends Up At The Peep's Barn Where He Discovers That The Peep's Stole The Magic Waters Of The Wishing Well That The Village Idiot Guards And Uses It To Enhance Everything They Have...

What Do I Mean By That? I Mean, Every Sheep They Own And Every Food They Make Is Made Better When They Dump It In The Waters Of The Well...

Returning To The Barn With Virginia We Go Into Pointless Fight #3 Only For Wolf To Again Feel Guilty Afterwards As He's Contacted By The Evil Queen...

Telling Her That He's Not Going To Tell Her Anything About "Her" It Has The Evil Queen Questioning What She's Like Only For Wolf To Tell Her To Stay Away From Him As He Again Breaks The Connection As He Goes Running Off...

The Next Morning, Tony Arrives With A Sheep To Dump Down The Peep's Well In Secret As He Plans To Have Virginia Become A Contestant In The Sheep And Shepherdess Competition Despite The Fact She Knows Crap About Sheep...

But Knowing It's The Only Way To Get The Mirror Back Virginia Goes To Work On Her Costume Only To Run Into Wolf, Who Looks Like Shit After Last Night...

But Knowing He Can't Fight His Nature He Asks Virginia To Tie Him Up As Tight As Possible, Moving Into Pointless Argument #4 Which Leads To The Wolf In Wolf Starting To Take Over...

Now, If That Actually Happened That Would Be Awesome But Still Can't Argue With The Effects We Got..

Signing Up For The Sheep And Shepherdess Competition, Despite Threats From Sally Peep The Contest Starts With Each Shepherdess Performing A Sheep Shearing Song

With The First Contestant Performing Baa Baa Black Sheep And Sally Performing A Provocative Little Bo Peep Rendition While Virginia Goes To Get Her Sheep From Tony Who Has No Clue What Sheep Shearing Song To Sing, Leading Us To One Of The Funniest Scenes In This Part Of This Miniseries..,

youtube

(Start At 1:13)

Basically Throwing It Out Of The BallField, The Judge Decides To Give Both Sally Peep And Virginia First Place...

But With Both Sally And The Peep Family Not Willing To Accept A Tie, The Judge Deciding To Set Up An Obstacle Course And Whoever's Sheep Gets To The Finish Line The Quickest With The Help Of A Sheepdog Wins...

With Tony Wondering Where The Hell They're Going To Get A Sheepdog From, The Village Idiot Suggests Using The Golden Wendell Which Tony Believes Is Crazy, So Crazy That It Just Might Work!

Taking Wendell To The Peep's Magic Well In Secret, He Dumps Him In And Prince Is Alive Again!

Calling Tony An Idiot In Every Form Of The Word, Tony Fills Him In On What's Going On And He Arrives Just In Time To Help Virginia Win The Obstacle Course And The Mirror...

Being A Brat About Her Defeat, Sally Goes Out To The Field Only To Be Murdered By An Unknown Person, But Wolf At The Scene, The Townspeople Accuse Him Of The Murder...

Contacting The Troll King The Same Way She Did At The Prison, He Tells The Queen That The Next Time He Sees Her She's Dead Despite Her Warning Him That He Will Be Overrun If He Doesn't Stop His Invasion Now, But Tired Of Waiting, He Says He's Taking The Kingdom Now...

Hearing About The Troll King's Invasion And That That Guy's Horse Has Returned Riderless, The Council Decide To Accept Aid From The 1st And 9th Kingdoms Which In Turn Will Cause Wendell To Forgo Any Chance Of Ever Becoming King...

Figuring Out How To Work The Mirror, Virginia Visits Wolf To Tell Him That Her And Tony Are Going Home But When She Starts Crying She Realizes She Has To Help Him So Virginia Agrees To Become His Attorney...

No Offense But With These People, Wolf Would Have Better Luck If Matt Murdock Was His Attorney...

As The Trial Begins, Tony And Wendell Go To Search For Clues, Eventually This Leads Them Back To The Peep's Barn Where They Discover The Well Has Been Destroyed By Sally Who Was There At The Time Of The Murder...

This Leads Them To Find Critical Evidence Which They Need To Show As Soon As Possible And They Better Do It Quick As Wolf Has Just Been Found Guilty By A Hung Jury!

How Do I Know This? Well, The Jury Is Full Of Nothing But Ewes And Rams And When They Go To Pronounce Sentence They Have 2 Sides, 1 Represents Innocent And Another Represents Guilty...

And On The Guilty Side...

There's Food To Lure Them In!

So Yeah, I'd Say It's A Hung Jury To Me!...

So, Yeah It Looks Like What The Gypsy Foresaw Is About To Come True, Luckily Tony And Wendell Show Up To Point The Townspeople To The Real Killer, Who Just So Happens To Be The Matriarch Of The Peep Family, Wilf...

See, Sally Promised To Make Him Pay After Her Loss At The Shepherdess Competition, So She Destroyed The Well Which Pissed Wilf Off To The Point That He Murdered Her...

Asking For Proof, They Show Them Wilf's Coat He Wore Last Night All Covered In Sally's Blood...

As The Townspeople Lynch Wilf, Tony And Virginia Free Wolf And Head Back To The Barn Only To Discover That The Cart They Mirror In Is Gone...

But Before They Leave, They Visit The Village Idiot One Last Time Only To Give Him A Coin Which Leads Him To Discover That The Water Is Back In The Well, Granting His Wish Of Letting Him Become A Complete Idiot...

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Reading Wolf's Self Help Books While Travelling On Our Heroes Are Unbeknownstly Followed By The Huntsman Who's Healing A Sprained Leg After His Fight With Wolf...

Hasn't The Evil Queen Ever Heard Of Sick Leave?

Arriving In The Most Magical Place In All Of The 9 Kingdoms, The Kissing Town Where Everyone Falls In Love....

(Singing) Yes, Love....Exciting And New...Come To Town....We're Expecting You....

The Love Town!...Cupid Is Definitely Here Somewhere...The Love Town...

All Right, Enough Of That...

Anyway, After Arriving They Find The Carriage From The Village Of The Lambs Only To Discover The Mirror Isn't There And With The Driver Not Knowing It Was Theirs He Gave It To A Guy For 5 Copper Coins...

We Get A Little Backstory On Tony As He Ends Up Finding The Mirror (Along With The Golden Remains Of The Troll King's Children) But Anyway, Turns Out The Mirror Is Going For 10 Or 15 Gold Coins...

But As Tony Goes To Get Virginia And Wolf, We Find Them At Snow White's Coffin, Which Has Become A Tourist Attraction For The Town...

All Throughout This Part And Part 2 We've Had Hints About A Possible Romance Between Wolf And Virginia And This All But Nearly Confirms That They'll Be Together By The Time This Is Over As They Nearly Kiss Only To Be Interrupted By Tony...

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But When They Discover That The Mirror Has Gone Up In Price (Thanks To The Huntsman) From 10 To 15 Gold Coins To 5,000 Gold Wendells

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With Our Heroes Worried That They'll Never Raise That, Part 3 Ends On That Very Cliffhanger...

To Be Continued....

#the 10th kingdom #kimberly williams paisley #scott cohen #john larroquette #dianne wiest #rutger hauer #ann margret #camryn manheim #wolf x virginia

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papermoonloveslucy · 4 years

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SORROWFUL JONES

JULY 4, 1949

Sorrowful Jones is a remake of the 1934 Shirley Temple film, Little Miss Marker. In the film, a young girl is left with the notoriously cheap Sorrowful Jones (Bob Hope) as a marker for a bet. When her father does not return, he learns that taking care of a child interferes with his free-wheeling lifestyle. Lucille Ball plays a nightclub singer who is dating Sorrowful's boss.

Although the official opening night in Hollywood took place on Independence Day 1949, it was premiered in New York City a month earlier, and seen in Australia on June 24, 1949.

Directed by Sidney Lanfield Produced by Robert L. Welch Written by Edmund Hartmann and Melville Shavelson based on a story by Damon Runyon

CREDITED CAST

Lucille Ball (Gladys) was born on August 6, 1911 in Jamestown, New York. She began her screen career in 1933 and was known in Hollywood as ‘Queen of the B’s’ due to her many appearances in ‘B’ movies. With Richard Denning, she starred in a radio program titled “My Favorite Husband” which eventually led to the creation of “I Love Lucy,” a television situation comedy in which she co-starred with her real-life husband, Latin bandleader Desi Arnaz. The program was phenomenally successful, allowing the couple to purchase what was once RKO Studios, re-naming it Desilu. When the show ended in 1960 (in an hour-long format known as “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour”) so did Lucy and Desi’s marriage. In 1962, hoping to keep Desilu financially solvent, Lucy returned to the sitcom format with “The Lucy Show,” which lasted six seasons. She followed that with a similar sitcom “Here’s Lucy” co-starring with her real-life children, Lucie and Desi Jr., as well as Gale Gordon, who had joined the cast of “The Lucy Show” during season two. Before her death in April 1989, Lucy made one more attempt at a sitcom with “Life With Lucy,” also with Gordon, which was not a success and was canceled after just 13 episodes. She died on April 26, 1989 at the age of 77.

Ball's singing voice is provided by Annette Warren, who also sang for her in Fancy Pants and later provided the singing voice for Ava Gardner in Show Boat. Her first screen dubbing was for Lured featuring Lucille Ball, although Warren did not dub Lucy’s voice. She provided the singing voice for Pepper (Iris Adrian) in the Bob Hope film The Paleface (1947).

Bob Hope (Sorrowful Jones) was born Lesley Townes Hope in England in 1903. During his extensive career in virtually all forms of media he received five honorary Academy Awards. In 1945, Desi Arnaz was the orchestra leader on Bob Hope’s radio show. Ball and Hope did three other films together. He appeared as himself on the season 6 opener of “I Love Lucy.” He did a brief cameo in a 1964 episode of “The Lucy Show.” He died in 2003 at age 100.

Mary Jane Saunders (Martha Jane) makes her film debut. She went on to do a season of TV’s “Tales of the Welles Fargo” (1960-61) and made two appearances on “My Three Sons”: one with William Frawley and one with William Demarest.

William Demarest (Regret) is best remembered as Uncle Charlie on “My Three Sons,” a role created after the death of William Frawley. Demarest and Frawley appeared together on screen in The Farmer’s Daughter (1940). He was nominated for an Academy Award in the biography, The Jolson Story (1946). Demarest did two other films with Lucille Ball: Fugitive Lady (1934) and Don’t Tell The Wife (1937). He died in 1983 at age 91.

Bruce Cabot (Big Steve) appeared with Lucille Ball in 1934′s Men of the Night. In 1950, he joined Hope and Ball once again in Fancy Pants. His main claim to fame is rescuing Fay Wray from King Kong (1933).

Tom Pedi (Once Over Sam) did one season of the short-lived sitcom “Arnie” (1970-71). He was in the 1980 remake of Little Miss Marker, upon which Sorrowful Jones is based.

Paul Lees (Orville Smith) was blinded by enemy artillery during his service in World War II. He received 32 military decorations and ribbons, including the Legion of Merit. Despite his lack of vision, Lees learned to act and signed a contract with Paramount. He would memorize script dialog by having someone read it to him twice.

Houseley Stevenson (Doc Chesley) was a British-born character actor who had just finished doing The Paleface with Bob Hope.

Ben Weldon (Big Steve’s Bodyguard) appeared on “I Love Lucy” as the thief who breaks in to the Ricardo apartment to steal “The Fur Coat” (ILL S1;E9). He was seen in a season one episode of “The Lucy Show.”

Emmett Vogan (Psychiatrist) did four movies with Lucille Ball previous to this one. In 1954 he played Mr. Bolton in The Long, Long Trailer.

Thomas Gomez (Reardon) was an Oscar nominee for Ride the Pink Horse the previous year. In 1953 he was seen as Pasquale #2 on CBS’s “Life With Luigi”. He did a 1964 episode of “My Three Sons” with William Demarest.

UNCREDITED CAST (with connections to Lucille Ball)

Ethel Bryant (Nurse) was also seen with Lucille Ball in Broadway Bill (1934), another film involving a racehorse. John Butler (Jack - Bettor on Green Diamond) was also seen with Lucille Ball in The Affairs of Annabel (1938).

Bill Cartledge (First Jockey) was also seen with Lucille Ball in The Joy of Living (1938).

Maurice Cass (Psychiatrist) was also seen with Lucille Ball (and John Butler) in The Affairs of Annabel (1938).

Michael Cirillo (Horse Player) joined Bob Hope in Paleface and Son of Paleface as well as Critic’s Choice with Hope and Ball in 1963.

Charles Cooley (Shorty) was seen with Hope and Ball in Fancy Pants (1950) as well as a dozen other Bob Hope films. He also was a regular on “The Bob Hope Show” on television.

James Dearing (Spectator) was in eight other Lucille Ball films between 1936 and 1954.

Jay Eaton (Horse Player) was in eight other Lucille Ball films between 1937 and 1946.

Chuck Hamilton (Police Officer) was seen in the background of eight other Lucille Ball films from 1937 to 1950.

Selmer Jackson (Doctor) was in six other Lucille Ball films between 1933 and 1949.

Kenner G. Kemp (Bookmaker) was in seven other Lucille Ball films between 1936 and 1960 as well as doing background work on a 1965 episode of “The Lucy Show.”

Bob Kortman (Horse Player) was in four other Lucille Ball films between 1934 and 1950.

George Magrill (Horse Player) makes the last of his nine film appearances with Lucille Ball. He started in 1933 with Broadway Thru A Keyhole.

John Mallon (Horse Player) was also seen with Hope and Ball in Fancy Pants (1950).

John ‘Skins’ Miller (Jockey) was also seen with Hope and Ball in Fancy Pants (1950) and previously with Ball in The Big Street (1942).

Frank Mills (Horse Player) makes the last of his ten film appearances with Lucille Ball. He started in 1933 with The Bowery.

Ralph Montgomery (Horse Player) was one of the policeman on the scene in “Lucy Goes To The Hospital” (ILL S2;E16) in 1953.

Ralph Peters (Taxi Driver) was also seen with Lucille Ball in The Big Street (1942).

Suzanne Ridgeway (Nightclub Patron) was also seen with Lucille Ball in That’s Right - You’re Wrong (1939) and The Magic Carpet (1951).

Arthur Space (Plainclothes Policeman) was in four other films with Lucille Ball between 1945 and 1950.

Bert Stevens (Nightclub Patron) was a background player in four Lucille Ball films as well as one episode of “I Love Lucy,” and many of “The Lucy Show.”

Sid Tomack (Waiter at Steve’s Place) was also seen in The Fuller Brush Girl (1950) with Lucille Ball.

Harry Tyler (Blinky) did three other films with Lucille Ball between 1937 and 1950.

Walter Winchell (Himself, Voice Over) was a journalist and radio host who was the narrator of Desilu’s “The Untouchables.” He also joined the cast in their satire of the series on “Lucy The Gun Moll” (TLS S4;E25).

The film was made at Paramount Studios in Hollywood, with location shooting in New York City. This was Lucille Ball’s 70th film!

The New York Times, August 16, 1947. Note that Lucille Ball is not mentioned. (Thanks to @ericthelibrarian for the scan)

THE STORY

Sorrowful Jones (Bob Hope) is a New York bookie who keeps his operation hidden behind a trap door in a Broadway barber shop. He suffers a financial setback when a horse named Dreamy Joe, owned by gangster Big Steve Holloway (Bruce Cabot), unexpectedly wins a race and Jones has to pay all the bettors.

Jones learns that the race was fixed by Big Steve, who tells him about giving the horse a "speedball." It turns out Big Steve has informed all the bookies in his circle of friends about the fixed race, and demands a sum of $1,000 from each one of them in exchange for this information.

Before the next race, Jones learns Dreamy Joe will lose, but still takes bets on the horse from his customers. He even takes a bet from gambler Orville Smith (Paul Lees), who leaves his four-year-old daughter Martha Jane (Mary Jane Saunders) as collateral. Orville overhears a phone call where Big Steve reveals that the race is fixed, so he is killed by one of Big Steve's goons, Once Over Sam (Tom Pedi). Jones is forced to take care of Martha Jane and brings her home with him.

The next day Jones gets help from his ex-girlfriend, burlesque performer Gladys O'Neill (Lucille Ball).

Big Steve tells Jones he is being investigated by the racing commission so he is quitting the race-fixing business. Big Steve plans to make one final race before he gets out of the game, where he is fixing it so that Dreamy Joe will win. He also transfers the ownership of the horse to Martha Jane, unaware that she is Orville's daughter. After the race, Big Steve will kill the horse by giving it a high dose of "speedball."

Jones tries to find Martha Jane's mother, but discovers she is dead. Gladys suggests that Jones give all of Dreamy Joe's winnings to Martha Jane to help her survive, or she will contact the police and tell them about Jones' operation. She has no knowledge of Big Steve's plan to fix the race.

Big Steve finds out that Martha Jane is Orville's daughter, so Jones must hide her to protect her from being killed. When hiding on a fire escape's landing, Martha Jane falls down and is seriously injured. In a coma, the little girl calls out for Dreamy Joe.

In order to save Martha Jane and wake her up, Jones and his partner Regret (William Demarest) steal the horse from Big Steve at the race track. They take it into the hospital room where Martha Jane lies. Martha Jane wakes up and the police find out that Big Steve is responsible for Orville's murder.

After Big Steve is arrested, Jones proposes to Gladys. The police want Martha Jane to be placed in an orphanage, but Jones and Gladys, who have married, decide to adopt the girl. They go away on their honeymoon together with their newly adopted daughter.

TRIVIA & BACKGROUND

“Little Miss Marker” (1932), a short story by Damon Runyon, inspired the film Sorrowful Jones.

Damon Runyon’s 1940 short story “Little Pinks” served as the basis for the Lucille Ball / Henry Fonda film The Big Street (1942).

Little Miss Marker (1934) starring Adolphe Menjou as Sorrowful Jones and Dorothy Dell as Bangles Carson. Shirley Temple as Marthy Jane. The film was directed by Alexander Hall, Lucille Ball’s one-time fiance.

Sorrowful Jones (1947) starring Bob Hope as Sorrowful Jones and Lucille Ball as Gladys O’Neill. Mary Jane Saunders as Martha Jane.

40 Pounds of Trouble (1962) starring Tony Curtis as Steve McCluskey and Suzanne Pleshette as Chris Lockwood. Claire Wilcox as Penelope Piper.

Little Miss Marker (1980) starring Walter Matthau as Sorrowful Jones and Julie Andrews as Amanda Worthington. Sarah Stimson as the Kid.

"Lux Radio Theater" broadcast a 60 minute radio adaptation of the movie on November 21, 1949 with Bob Hope and Lucille Ball reprising their film roles.

“Havin' a Wonderful Wish (Time You Were Here)” by Jay Livingston with lyrics by Ray Evans is sung by Lucille Ball (dubbed by Annette Warren).

“Miss Beverley Hills of Hollywood” comic book issue #6, January / February 1947 promoted the film. Lucille Ball still is purporting to have been born in Butte, Montana. Here her birth date is also incorrect: August 6, not August 8. Note how much the Drama Teacher resembles Lucy’s mother, Dede Ball.

Lucille Ball advertising both Armstrong Tires and Sorrowful Jones.

Lucille Ball advertising Sealright Sanitary Containers using Sorrowful Jones.

In “The Bob Hope Christmas Special” (1973) Lucy opens a small wooden box and removes a lock of Hope’s hair she says she snipped from his head when they were making Sorrowful Jones together.

The film was mentioned when Lucille Ball and Bob Hope guested on “Dinah!” in 1977.

In 1989, after Ball’s passing, a clip from the film was incorporated into “Bob Hope’s Love Affair With Lucy.”

#Lucille Ball #Sorrowful Jones #Little Miss Marker #Bob Hope #Mary Jane Saunders #William Demarest #Damon Runyon #Walter Winchell #Bruce Cabot #Thomas Gomez #1949 #Paramount Pictures #Annette Warren #Sidney Landfield #movies #Hollywood #Lucy

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wazafam · 3 years

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Spike TV's reality series Bar Rescue has been on the air for several years. The show, hosted by nighttime entertainment consultant Jon Taffer, features a roster of bar owners, nightclub managers, and experienced restaurateurs who offer their expertise to help floundering businesses rebound from financial ruin and to avoid bankruptcy.

RELATED: 10 Best Netflix Reality TV Shows You Need To Watch

Bar Rescue premiered in 2011 and has tallied more than 200 episodes in the span of nine years. The series also inspired a spin-off show called Marriage Rescue, which debuted in June of 2019. here are the best episodes of Bar Rescue ranked according to IMDb.

Updated on February 5th, 2021 by Kristen Palamara: Bar Rescue continues to be an engaging reality television show that is similar to Gordon Ramsay's various shows like To Hell and Back and Kitchen Nightmares where he goes to the most disgusting restaurants and tries to help fix them. Jon Taffer has continued to host Bar Rescue throughout its entire run as he goes into each failing bar with a crew including a mixologist and tries to help turn the bar around through mainly helping the owner with their leadership skills, their employees, their menu, and their decor.

15 Silence Of The Ants (S5E26) 7.7/10

In Silence of the Ants, Taffer takes fellow bar consultant Tiffany Derry along with show narrator P.J. King to the shores of Long Beach, California to help clean up a serious insect takeover.

When John and the crew arrive in Long Beach, they discover a squalid barroom overrun by fruit flies and sugar ants. The title of the episode is an obvious reference to the Thomas Harris novel, The Silence of the Lambs, which was adapted as the 1991 Best Picture Winner by the late director Jonathan Demme.

14 Taken for Granted (S7E7) 7.8/10

Jon Taffer travels to try to save a bar called The Grant Bar. The biggest problem the bar has is that the owner believes that he isn't at fault for any of the bar's issues.

He always blames everyone else for the problems that arise in the bar, but obviously, Taffer isn't going to allow the bar to continue to operate this way with an owner who doesn't take responsibility.

13 Second Base Third Strike (S4 E11) 7.8/10

This episode follows Jon Taffer as he returns to a bar that the team had already rescued previously in the first episode where they attempt to re-rescue a bar called the Second Base Bar & Grill.

Taffer returns to a bar to find that the entire staff and bar is struggling mainly because the owner has become disengaged with actively running the bar and everyone is suffering because of it. It's one of the few episodes where Taffer walks out and refuses to help.

12 Phishing for Answers (S6 E15) 7.8/10

Taffer travels to save the bar Phish Heads when a couple asks him to come and try to push their son to successfully run the bar. The couple is on the verge of bankruptcy and their son is failing in running the bar and is threatening his parents' financial future if he doesn't get his act together.

Their son refuses to try and instead is lazily approaching the serious issue of their finances and his responsibility to owning the bar and doesn't have any determination or passion.

11 Mother Doesn't Know Best (S5E24) 7.8/10

In Mother Knows Best, the ninth highest-rated episode of Bar Rescue, John Taffer and his team take their advice to Sin City.

RELATED: 10 Fakest Current Reality TV Shows (And 10 That Are Surprisingly Real)

Upon arrival in Las Vegas, Taffer and his crew meet a matronly woman who owns a severely struggling dive bar along the strip. Prone to having a good time and abdicating her professional responsibilities, Taffer makes an impassioned plea for the woman to take greater ownership of her business and conduct herself with more discipline.

10 Storming The Castle (S4E16) 7.9/10

Taffer and company get more than they bargained for when attempting to help an attitudinal bar owner in Storming the Castle, is one of the highest-rated episode of the series according to IMDB.

When Taffer arrives at a barroom called Stein Haus, modeled after an ancient castle, he meets the owner, Ivan Vuich. Taffer soon realizes Vuich has extreme temper issues and an inability to control his anger. Taffer makes suggestions on how to improve Stein Haus, but they are met with surly sneers at every turn.

9 Antisocial Media (S5E4) 7.9/10

In Antisocial Media, Taffer attempts to help out a self-defeating bar owner and his brother, a military vet in California beset with severe PTSD.

In small-town California, John discovers a pub owner who is not only known for bad service, but also for a slew of negative social media posts made in response to critical customers. The owner also takes care of his PTSD-ridden brother, who can't shake the scars of combat, pulling his attention away from his business duties.

8 Operation Puerto Rico (S6E19) 7.9/10

In the one-hour special Bar Rescue: Operation Puerto Rico, Taffer was joined by the celebrity likes of Mark Cuban, Luis Guzman, Bethenny Frankel, and NBA player J.J. Barea for a major humanitarian effort.

Taffer and his crew faced his biggest challenge yet when tasked with helping rebuild the family-owned beachfront bar called El K'Rajo in Puerto Rico. The establishment was completely annihilated by Hurricane Maria in September of 2017, leaving its owner in total ruin as a result.

7 Still Bill (S7 E4) 8.0/10

This episode of Bar Rescue follows Jon Taffer as he tries to rescue The Midway Tavern bar that has fallen into disarray in Bill Rowe's leadership.

Rowe is a passive leader who isn't sure about what he should be doing in his position and tends to let everyone do what they want instead of being a successful and clear spoken leader. Taffer tries to get him in shape and help him become a successful leader so he can run the bar at a profit and pay back his in-laws.

6 Desi, You Got Some 'Splanin' To Do (S5E20) 8.0/10

In the 20th episode of Bar Rescue's Season 5, Taffer takes fellow nightclub consultant Brad Bohannon to help an elderly bar owner recover his business after suffering from a near-fatal stroke.

When John and Brad meet the owner, they realize he's too ill to keep his business afloat, much less successful. The man turns to booze to drown his pain, dwindling his own alcohol supply and dipping into his own profits. The episode title refers to the classic I Love Lucy episode in which Ricky (Desi Arnaz) tells Lucy "you have some splainin' to do!"

5 Breaking Brandon (S7E3) 8.0/10

The only episode of the most recent season to rank among the top 10 episodes of Bar Rescue includes Breaking Brandon, a titular reference to AMC's hit series Breaking Bad.

RELATED: 5 Of The Funniest Bar Rescue Episodes & 5 Of The Worst, Ranked

In the episode, Taffer tries to offer his services to a bar owner in the throes of a psychological meltdown. After sinking his mother's life savings into a business investment, the man is left with only four days to shut down his dream bar. With time ticking and pressure mounting, the man loses his senses.

4 All Twerk And No Pay Makes Taffer Shut It Down (S5 E18) 8.3/10

In this episode, Taffer tries to save Speakeasy Bar & Grill in Louisiana. The owner of the Speakeasy Bar & Grill has an emotional breakdown when it seems that her bar is going to fail before Taffer attempts to rescue it.

The bar and the owner suffers several setbacks and it all becomes understandably overwhelming and she worries about her well-being and the bar's future.

3 Casually Tapped Out (S5E22) 8.3/10

In Casually Tapped Out, Taffer faces a unique problem he never experienced in all his time on Bar Rescue, owner fatigue.

Taffer arrives at a shuddered neighborhood bar and learns the owner, who happens to be a firefighter, is completely burned out by the business. Taffer is tasked with reopening the bar, which cannot occur until the firefighter rekindles his passion and summons the energy to press on.

2 Punch-Drunk & Trailor-Trashed (S3E33) 8.4/10

Taffer's patience is pushed to the ultimate limits in Punch-Drunk & Trailor Trashed, in which he and mixologist Russell Davis get involved with an abusive and dysfunctional family in Council Bluffs, Iowa.

When arriving in Iowa to help rescue the O'Face Bar, Taffer meets a volatile family whose argumentative antics are too much to bear. Taffer ultimately decides the family and bar are beyond repair and walks away. It's the first bar in the history of the series which Taffer refused to rescue. In 2014, the government of Council Bluffs was so outraged by the owners of the bar that they refused to renew their liquor license. The decision has since been reversed upon appeal.

1 Things That Go Pahrump In The Night (S5E23) 8.5/10

The highest-rated episode of Bar Rescue to date according to IMDb is Things That Go Pahrump in the Night. In addition to Taffer, the show features fellow consultants Tom Bonello and Chef Vic Vegas.

Taffer's task takes a medical turn when arriving in Pahrump, Nevada to find a bar owner in desperate need of salvation. Not only is the man's bar in financial ruin, but a medical condition may permanently claim his eyesight. Taffer and his team race against time to help the man before it's too late.

NEXT: The 10 Best Reality TV Podcasts You're Missing Out On

15 Best Episodes Of Bar Rescue, Ranked (According To IMDb) from https://ift.tt/2AlGRVm

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persephonestourrp · 7 years

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@quinnfabray:

♫ I used to hold my freak back ♫

Lucy Quinn Fabray was born to a life of which most people could only dream. The Fabray family was, after all, rich and beautiful. Her dad, Russell, was a partner of a major law firm in Dallas, Texas, and his wife, Judy, was the most beautiful woman in their country club, which was saying something. Of course, Lucy knew from a young age that their marriage was far from the picture perfect ideal they showed the rest of the world, but she also knew not to say that. The world didn’t need to know that Judy drank or that Russell worked mysteriously late hours some nights. It just wasn’t what good, Christian people like her family talked about. Ever.

Oh, and there was one more member of her family: her older sister Frannie.

Frannie...well, Frannie was nice, really, even if she initially resented Lucy for ruining her only child status. And Lucy has always loved her sister, but it was hard growing up as the younger Fabray. Everything Lucy did, Frannie did first, and due to the age difference, she was doing even more important things than her baby sister. When Lucy got straight check pluses in kindergarten, Frannie got elected president of her class. When Lucy had her first school dance in fifth grade, Frannie won Prom Queen. The only thing she ever got to do that Frannie did was band. Her school made everyone play an instrument or sing in fifth grade, a policy they started after Frannie had left. Lucy took a liking to it rather quickly and became fascinated by making music. She easily made first chair, but her parents weren’t really amazed by it, especially not with Frannie getting her Ivy League acceptances. It was a relief when Lucy started middle school and Frannie went to college (Harvard, of course), since at least she wouldn’t constantly be overshadowed.

The other thing that made being Frannie’s little sister hard was that she was...well, Lucy. While Frannie grew up slim and svelte and with naturally blonde hair, puberty turned Lucy into a brunette, chubby, glasses-wearing, awkward loser. At school, everyone called her “Lucy Caboosey” and she was constantly picked on. It made her develop a thick outer skin and made her start spending more time alone. She spent most of her free time playing her flute and reading books.

Eventually, Judy made Lucy sign up for dance classes and put her on a diet, since it seemed even a growth spurt didn’t help her lose weight. And somehow, that actually started to work. And as Lucy’s body trimmed down - and as she, frankly, got a bit obsessed with lowering that number on the scale - some of the teasing stopped. And for the first time, Lucy felt like she could actually be like the rest of her family. So after sixth grade, she started bleaching her hair and got contacts, and for her thirteenth birthday the next year, she begged and pleaded until her dad took her to a plastic surgeon and gave her a nose job. In eighth grade, she finally found the right medication to clear her skin. And for high school, Lucy got to transfer to a new school district and managed to convince her family, including her cousin Kitty Wilde, to call her by her middle name, Quinn.

The transformation was completed.

Quinn, of course, was totally different from Lucy at that point. Quinn still got straight As, of course, and still had parents who fought all the time, but she quit band and, instead, was the only freshman on the varsity cheerleading team. She was a Homecoming Princess, a member of the services club, and the founding member and president of the Celibacy Club. Quinn Fabray, after years of taunts and jeers thrown her way, was now the person throwing them, and Lucy Fabray was just a mere memory.

But at the end of her sophomore year, things collapsed.

Just a few months after Frannie’s perfect wedding, Russell ran off with his secretary, leaving Judy and Quinn alone with the house. She was his little girl, the apple of his eye, and yet he just left her, like it was so easy, like she wasn’t even worth staying around for. But that didn’t make sense. She was Quinn. She wasn’t Lucy. She was the perfect example of a Fabray. She had changed everything about herself to make her parents proud, to make him proud, and yet he still left. Quinn was devastated.

To make matters worse, when her boyfriend (some football player she didn’t really even care about that much) comforted her, Quinn fell into bed with him in order to just stop thinking. That wasn’t the bad part, though. Well, yeah, he wasn’t that good and she didn’t really orgasm or anything, but that wasn’t what was bad. The bad part was when some girls at school spotted her buying Plan B the next day. No one believed Quinn’s insistence that it was her first time and that it was an accident; the whole school soon assumed the whole Chastity Princess deal had just been an act. Her reputation was ruined. Between her home just having her lush of a mom and her school full of kids calling her a slut, Quinn felt like she didn’t belong anywhere. The only person who seemed to still be there for her was Kitty, but she lived all the way in San Francisco.

So she spent a lot of time after that at church. Judy found a new one after the divorce to avoid judgment, and their new church had some college-aged youth minister who wanted to start a worship band. Since Quinn was there a lot, she figured she’d volunteer to at least sing back up or maybe set up instruments or find a way to play the flute, since she picked it back up (colleges loved musicians). But the minister ended up teaching her guitar. After a few months, she was confident enough to perform at the band’s first service. While her life had become a bit weird, she still felt some spiritual connection, and putting that in music was amazing.

Somehow that confidence spread throughout the rest of her, and she went back to school her junior year determined to do what Fabrays did best: win. So by the time she graduated, Quinn had become the captain of the cheerleading team, the founding member of the God Squad, president of National Honors Society, vice-president of the student body, and the school’s valedictorian, all while still playing Christian rock music in the basement of her church. Of course, her popularity never returned to her pre-Plan B level, and she never got that Homecoming or Prom Queen crown. Though that bothered her a bit (and she hated that it bothered her), Quinn was satisfied with her high school experience, but she was ready to get the hell out of Dallas.

She had applied almost exclusively to Ivies and a few other high profile schools. After some debate, she settled on going to one of her Ivy choices, Columbia University. If anything would be different from conservative Texas, it would be New York City.

♫ Now I’m letting go ♫

New York City turned out to be just what Quinn needed. Immediately upon moving into her dorm, Quinn found herself among people that were so unlike anyone she knew back home. All the women were defiant, worldly, and proud to be women. She ended up bonding with a lot of the women at Columbia’s sister school, Barnard, and took classes there when she could. Those classes introduced her to feminist texts from multiple points of view, all of them challenging her own feminist beliefs and developing her thoughts. She really lived up the college freshman experience that way, while doing other dumb freshman things, like experimenting with weird hair colors, cutting her hair, and getting piercings in places that weren’t her earlobes.

Of course, feminism and politics and hair colors weren’t the only thing Quinn experimented with. In yet another clichéd college experience, Quinn found herself kissing a girl and liking it. Really liking it. Kissing led to touching which led to clothes coming off and Quinn having her first real orgasm ever. And, okay, it freaked her out a little. Okay, a lot. But pieces of her life started to fall together as she realized that, holy shit, she was not straight. Those things she had thought and felt about other girls were not heterosexual.

And while she wished she could say she took it in stride, she ended up feeling a lot of self loathing. She panicked and stopped talking to that girl, bleached her hair back to blonde, and tried to go back to “normal”. She couldn’t be gay or bi or anything because she was a Fabray and Fabrays are not gay. Quinn hated the whole Fabray brand, but if she wasn’t a Fabray, who the hell was she? And what would happen if her dad, who was paying her tuition to this very expensive school, ever found out? And was it wrong for her to want to still be on her dad’s good side despite the divorce and abandonment?

Quinn had a bit of a crisis and it got bad enough that she did another thing that wasn’t Fabray approved: therapy. Though it took a while for Quinn to open up, since she was a very private person, she eventually poured everything out to her doctor: how she felt inadequate compared to sister, how she always wanted her dad’s attention and how that possibly influenced her trying to get guys’ attention, how her mom drank, how she was attracted to girls...She told her therapist things that scared her and disgusted her about herself, and her therapist never even blinked. In fact, her therapist, while sympathetic, was direct about how she wasn’t completely alone. Through talking about it and realizing she was normal and not some freak of nature, Quinn started to get better. She let herself experiment more and focused on finding herself, not on living up to the last name she had. Of course, she was still stressing out a lot over school and needed some kind of release. So she may have slept with a few other girls to help, and maybe drank a bit too much and started to smoke. It wasn’t that bad, though, because she only smoked at parties. Or when she was really stressed.

What really got her interest, though, was a flyer for auditions for an all girl band. They needed a rhythm guitarist, and Quinn had honestly come to miss the confidence that came with playing live music. While she played a lot alone in her room, it was never the same as performing with a band. She probably wasn’t the best, but it was worth a shot, right?

She never expected to connect with the other girls as much as she did. After her audition, she talked with all of them and honestly felt connected to all of them right away. Marley Rose was sweet and funny, with this sassy side she loved. Kat Hummel was very similar, but also gushed with Quinn over her clothes and makeup. And Norah Puckerman...well, there was a connection there right away, and it wasn’t just a mental and emotional one.

The Sirens, the band name she suggested, quickly became her best form of release after hours of studying, and she also made some money with the gigs they kept getting. Eventually she graduated Bachelor of Arts in Women Studies a year before the rest of her band mates were scheduled to graduate. Quinn had planned on going straight to law school in the area in order to become an attorney focusing on women’s cases, but she ended up deferring her enrollment. After graduating summa cum laude, the idea of going straight to another intense program scared her. Also she honestly wasn’t sure she wanted to go to law school, either, not when the highlights of her days were writing and singing and hanging out with the other members of The Sirens.

Somehow she managed to get a job as a receptionist at a dental clinic, and it was enough to foot the bill for a studio apartment. It also provided some health insurance, which meant she could see her therapist for some sessions, though they weren’t as often as she liked. Still, Quinn was enjoying her life and truly felt like she was living the way she always wanted to.

Then Sabrina Smythe came to a show and things just got better.

Quinn threw herself into writing for the album, spending time at work writing out lyrics or coming up with chord progressions. Eventually she got to give her two weeks and, just a few weeks after she left, their first single came out to critical praise and commercial success, with the album following a similar fashion soon after. Now Quinn has an actual loving family with her bandmates and is successful and basically living the dream. She’s even started to accept her sexuality and came out to her bandmates (not that they were surprised, because, well, Norah, but more on that later) and even to Kitty.

But, of course, nothing’s perfect. And, even after years of therapy, Quinn still wants her family to approve of her, even though she still feels betrayed by her father. In order to do that, she’s a lot less honest to them than she is to her real family (her bandmates and Kitty). They don’t know about the little flask she keeps with her, the cigarettes she smokes when she’s stressed, and they definitely don’t know about her sexuality - or how she’s used it to her advantage in the past, but, again, more on that later. They see her tweets sometimes have Biblical captions and assume she’s spreading the good word. They assume she’s a virgin since, well, she hasn’t even dated a guy in years and only hangs out with girls (oops). For now, Quinn’s okay with that. After years of having to be the black sheep of the Fabray family as Lucy Q, Quinn is okay with pretending she’s still the perfect Fabray Girl™.

Oh, and that Lucy thing? Well, her bandmates know her real first name is Lucy, and she’s mentioned a few things about being a bit awkward and overweight as a kid. But Quinn’s not the most open person to begin with, even with her favorite people, so they don’t know the whole story. They don’t know how much she changed herself. They don’t know that the whole Quinn Fabray thing is someone she invented. They don’t know that they don’t know the real her.

They don’t know that she doesn’t really know who she is, either.

♫ I make my own choice ♫

Norah Puckerman: Norah’s like a cigarette; she provides physical release when Quinn’s stressed and Quinn has a hard time quitting. Quinn was automatically attracted to Norah from day one, and she could tell Norah felt the same way. After a few months in the band, a private rehearsal went from Norah helping Quinn on a fingering of a chord to Norah doing something much more pleasurable with those fingers. They constantly would resolve to stop, only to end up with the two of them stumbling to rehearsal together with mismatched buttons and messy hair. They managed to stop for a while when they started working on their debut album, but after the release and subsequent tour, weeks on the road brought them back to each other’s beds. Of course, it was clear from the get go that this was just about sex and desire, enough so they wrote a song about it. They finally stopped again, and the two have managed to get back to the “just friends” thing pretty easily. After all, they’ve always remained friends the whole time; they just don’t want to risk anything by feelings turning to more than friendly feelings. Quinn loves Norah with her whole heart and she knows the feeling’s mutual, but it’s for the good of the band...though they may have already slipped a few times before the tour has even started, though they’ve been better at keeping it a secret this time. And thank god Kat and Marley are going to help keep them separated on tour.

Kat Hummel: Quinn truly admires Kat in several ways. Kat knows more about fashion and makeup than anyone and she can pick the perfect outfits for anyone’s style/body shape - and, god, don’t get Quinn started on her gift giving abilities. Not only that, but Kat is so confident in who she is that it’s insane. Quinn always felt like she had to be one way while growing up - hell, she still feels that way around her family - but Kat is always true to who she is and has even come out to the whole world with no problem. And while Quinn’s religious beliefs are a complicated subject on their own, Kat has always known what she’s believed in that area; they’ve actually had some interesting conversations on the subject. All of that and more are why Quinn’s glad that her cousin has bonded so much with Kat. Quinn has also received endless lectures on smoking and drinking from Kat, since she’s kind of the mother hen of the group. They’re annoying, though accurate and warranted.

Marley Rose: Ever since Quinn met Marley, she’s felt a bit protective over her. Yes, even before she knew about the eating disorder thing. Marley just gives off this sweet and kind vibe, and Quinn loves that about her. Of course, Quinn’s style of protection isn’t as intense as Norah and Kat’s, which is ridiculously suffocating. Seriously, how do they not realize how frustrated Marley is with them? Quinn’s kind of seen herself as the cool, older sister type with Marley, so she’s always felt protective in the sense that she wanted to be there when Marley got interested in things like drinking. She shouldn’t have to experience parties and the like alone. So now that Marley has said she wants to rebel a little, Quinn’s grinning from ear to ear. She’s more than happy to help her explore the world and get out of her comfort zone - and she’ll keep her safe while doing so. And now that Marley’s eating disorder seems to be affecting her again, Quinn can keep an eye on her without suffocating her, either. After all, Quinn knows what it’s like to hate your own body.

Kitty Wilde: Kitty is the only family member Quinn actually looks forward to seeing. While she feels a need to please her parents and sister, and while she loves her nieces, Kitty was always her favorite. They were as close as cousins who lived in different time zones could be. They’d see each other at least twice a year and spent several nights talking on the phone or instant messaging or texting. Kitty’s family was even super helpful during Quinn’s parents’ divorce, even thought Kitty’s mom is her dad’s sister, and Quinn was always there when Kitty needed to talk about the sexual assault she faced. So when Kitty sent Quinn some recordings of Divine Influence, Quinn was more than happy to pass the recordings to higher ups at the label. She’s thrilled for her cousin’s success and is excited to spend months with her on tour. However, she’s still nervous as to how Kitty will react to the “new” her, since once Quinn entered college they spent less time together. So they haven’t even spent much time together since Quinn came out to her. Kitty knows she’s into girls, but she doesn’t know about Norah or anyone else. Quinn’s afraid Kitty will be disappointed if she finds out about the meaningless hook-ups, not to mention the smoking and the feelings she’s developing for her best friend. And while Kitty has gotten used to calling her Quinn, at least in public, Quinn’s afraid of what name might slip out of Kitty’s mouth on accident - especially if it’s not just her name.

Rachel Berry: Quinn heard a lot about Rachel Berry growing up. She was Kitty’s best friend, after all, so Kitty talked about her on the phone or when she visited the Fabrays or when Quinn visited the Wildes. It took a while before Quinn ever met Rachel (sometime after she had become Quinn and wasn’t Lucy anymore) and, sure enough, she got why Kitty liked her. She was a good friend. While Quinn never bonded with her as much as she bonded with Kitty, they still had each other’s numbers and IM names and Facebook accounts. They would message or text from time to time. The fact that Rachel was the lead singer of Kitty’s band was just an added bonus, since it met they’d get to hang out some more, too. So, months ago, when Quinn heard hyperventilating in the bathroom and found Rachel, she immediately flew into action. She knew the signs of a panic attack all too well. They talked a lot and Quinn got her in contact with her therapist with Sabrina’s help. Rachel asked her to keep all of that a secret from Kitty, though Quinn hopes she can convince her to tell Kitty about it eventually...which is kind of hypocritical when she hasn’t told Kitty a lot of things. She’s actually told Rachel a lot of things that Kitty doesn’t know. She’s never been so open and vulnerable with someone as she’s been with Rachel. And the fact that Rachel’s smile makes her heart skip a beat really doesn’t help matters.

Fiona Hudson: Like all The Sirens, Quinn was invited to Carole and Burt’s wedding, and she met Fiona there, and she’s seen her a few other times when the band was in town or her family visited them elsewhere. And now Fiona’s playing drums for them on tour. It’s just kind of weird, because the four girls in the band are so close and even end their tour set with a song sung by just the four of them, and Fiona’s just...there. Quinn knows that Kat isn’t too fond of Fiona, even if Kat hides it behind jokes, and that was also why Quinn chose to house Fiona for the rehearsals in New York City. While Quinn only has a one-bedroom, she figured keeping her away from Kat and easing Kat into seeing her step-sister more often would be preferred for everyone. So Fiona’s graciously taken the couch and the two of them have started to talk more. It’s surprisingly nice, actually, having someone else there, and Fiona’s been extra nice to her because of it. Seeing as they could use an official drummer at some point, Quinn has to say that Fiona might end up being a good fit, at least if Kat gets on board with it.

Santana Lopez: Santana is someone Quinn’s known for a long time, as well as someone she’s known in the biblical sense. The two of them shared a class their freshman year at Columbia, and Santana...Santana was Quinn’s first. Well, technically only her first girl, but still her first. So, as mentioned before, after her first time with a girl, Quinn went into deep denial and self-loathing and pushed Santana as far away as she could. When Quinn started to accept herself, though, she never really talked to Santana again, only to have her show up as their new publicist...and it’s weird. Really weird. If Santana wasn’t acting so professional, Quinn would be afraid of what Santana would do to her career. She wants to apologize, but, really, it seems better to just, like, not bring it up. After all, Santana’s been with enough people that maybe she doesn’t really care? Maybe?

Sabrina Smythe: Quinn is truly grateful for Sabrina. Somehow Sabrina stumbled upon one of their shows and ended up changing their lives for good and for the better. Sabrina not only discovered them, but she truly launched their careers mostly from her own manipulation of the public eye. Quinn, a fairly good manipulator herself, can appreciate that. She also appreciates that she sets up her therapy appointments as well as Rachel’s. Sabrina also happens to be smart and a great person to talk to for some intellectual stimulation. Whenever they talk, however, Quinn can tell Sabrina is looking for a lot more than intellectual stimulation...and while Quinn has no interest and knows that Sabrina would flirt with a rock if it had boobs (she’s like Norah in that way, honestly), she doesn’t mind flirting with her to get an advantage. And if flirting with Sabrina helped get her cousin a record deal? Well, Quinn’s a-okay with that. It’s not like she promised her anything or slept with her for it, but using her sexuality to her advantage is totally cool.

Blair Anderson: Quinn and Blair hit it off ridiculously easy. Blair brought up going to Cornell and Quinn “joked” that it wasn’t a real Ivy. Thankfully Blair took it as a joke, or at least wasn’t offended, and the two have been getting along ever since. While Quinn can’t necessarily understand turning down an Ivy education, she’s enjoyed having Blair to talk about books and films with, and she finds her similar background with an overshadowing older sister interesting, too. She can definitely relate to feeling like a stranger in her family, and Quinn just finds her easy to talk to. Ridiculously easy, really. But seeing as it’s not hard to notice the animosity between Blair and Rachel, she’s not sure what to make of her just yet.

Jackie Puckerman: Honestly Quinn has enough drama to deal with that she hasn’t thought much about Jackie at all. The two haven’t talked much, anyways. In a lot of ways, Jackie just reminds her of a younger version of Norah, and seeing how Jackie obviously looks up to her, it makes sense. But beyond that, she hasn’t put much thought into Jackie Williams and doesn’t necessarily plan on doing so unless she has to. She’s nice to her and Jackie seems nice back, and that’s about it since, again, it’s not like a mean thing or anything. Quinn just has enough to deal with.

Sam Evans: When Quinn found out Sam didn’t go to college, she was a bit shocked. In her mind, everyone should go to college and everyone deserves a right to an education. She even talked to Kitty about it to find out more, and Kitty mostly shrugged it off and said that Sam wasn’t confident about her abilities and she didn’t have the money. Since then, Quinn’s been very politely trying to correct Sam on grammar mistakes and trying to educate her as subtly as possible. What? All women should be smart, and while Quinn can’t replace a college degree, maybe she can inspire Sam to go after one in the future.

♫ Bitch, I run this show ♫

Do you plan on coming out publicly at some point in the future?

[answer here]

Do you regret changing from Lucy to Quinn?

[answer here]

JBI asks: Do you have any books or authors you want to recommend to your fans?

[answer here]

#quinn fabray #bio #c #the sirens #canon #qf #o

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ohgodsnowwhat · 7 years

Text

Fantasy in Metal

Yes; I am posting my first fanfic after my second fanfic. I'm a rebel like that. I have also come to the conclusion that I suck at endings, which may be why I don't always finish what I start. Oh well. Please feel free to offer concrit. I'm not used to writing stuff that isn't one-on-one smut. Thanks to @neko-otaku13 for her encouragment on this!

The light had returned to Lucis – to all of Eos, for that matter. King Noctis and Lady Lunafreya, the Oracle, had passed over into the realm of much-deserved happily-ever-afterlife.

Prompto, Gladio, and Ignis, however….

Look, not even Astrals are perfect. Clerical errors happen.

****

“What do you mean, they’ve been reincarnated into another universe?” thundered Bahamut at the little fennec fox. “For their service, they should have been transported to the same region as King Noctis and Lady Luna!”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine; those guys always manage. Nothing to be too concerned about, but when their time is up here maybe, um, you can take a more personal interest to see that they get to the right place? I was supervising the moogles in charge of reassignment, and with the chocobos on strike there were some issues getting everyone to the office. We are lucky that there aren’t more souls floating around in Limbo!” Carbuncle looked up at the Draconian Astral, gulped nervously and said, “But of course I will supervise their next reassignment myself.”

“If they had been born into their new roles it wouldn’t be so bad,” offered Shiva, “but they have been, well, stuffed into pre-existing personas! This is a DISASTER!”

“At least they will be worshipped as gods in that realm,” put in Ramuh.

Titan sighed and poured himself another whiskey-and-soda.

****

Charles Offdensen pushed up his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose. He had been going over the band’s financial statements when he was hit with the idea for a new recipe. This was odd because he didn’t cook; Jean-Pierre was more than adequate to fulfill his nutritional needs. “I must be working too hard,” he thought; when he was interrupted by another thought, this one in a more refined tone of voice: “Nonsense! It is a duty and privilege to serve one’s liege! And furthermore… One moment, where am I?”

****

Nathan Explosion was busy, working on the 67th of his hundred beers and putting the final touches on “Go Forth and Die”. Except… those weren’t the words he originally wrote, were they?

Trapped inside a crystal Ten long years Hiding from the world Forgotten by your peers

“Huh,” he growled, “sounds more like the plot of a video game. Well, these beers aren’t gonna drink themselves. New song idea: Self-drinking beer.”

****

Toki Wartooth was in his room, happily working on his model planes when a little voice in his head told him that he should see if there were any new pupper videos. Toki was okay with this, and hummed happily to himself as he flipped on YouTube. After about a half hour, the voice asked about video games, to which Toki replied, “We amsk gots a room full of video games! Is you my new friends in my heads, little voice? Is yous gots a names?” “Well,” the voice answered back, “I’m Prompto, but where am I and how did I get here?” “I don’tsk knows Promptos but let’s go play DDR! Yous is Toki’s friends now!”

****

Pickles noticed that there seemed to be something a little off about his manager and bandmates. Nathan was doing a lot more reading than drinking; although he still churned out songs unnaturally fast, now they were more about crystals, lost kings, and something called “chocobos”. The latter made Toki ecstatic and he would go on for hours about them. This was puzzling as Toki was known to have had an austere and abusive childhood, and whatever these “chocobos” were, Pickles was sure they weren’t native to Norway. Skwisgaar, as self-centered as he was, had mentioned that to Pickles. Sweden was practically Norway anyway, but Pickles knew if he said that, the blond guitar-slinger would retreat to his room for a week to get over his sulk with the assistance of various GMILFs. Normally that wouldn’t bother Offdensen, as he didn’t have to worry about paying for abortions or child support (Skwisgaar was SO. MUCH. CHEAPER in that regard than the rest of the band), but Pickles had noticed that Offdensen was now more prone to lecture the band about personal responsibility, hygiene, and the need to be cost-efficient. Well, he WAS their CFO, but he hadn’t minded before… Were they in financial trouble? Even countries went belly-up from time to time, and Dethklok’s income when ranked beside the GNP of other countries was at a healthy and respectable 7, so maybe…?

Pickles decided then and there to visit Charles Foster Offdensen in his office.

****

Murderface didn’t care. He drank another beer, belched, and scratched his belly over the “Pobody’s Nerfect” tattoo. That had been some night when he got that – too bad, he thought, that he didn’t remember it.

****

“Yo, Robot!” exclaimed Pickles as he burst into Offdensen’s office. “I been meanin’ to talk to you about how you’ve been acting lately and-” He came to a sudden stop as he took in Toki and Nathan already seated across from their manager, heads close together conspiratorially. “What is this? I know something has been going on, but this better not be fucking with our bread and butter here.”

“Ah, yes… Pickles…maybe it is time to explain,” came the odd cultured voice that had been emanating as of late from Offdensen. “From my observations, I believe you would have a better grasp of the situation than, say, Mr. Skwigelf or Mr. Murderface.”

“Yes, that is true,” came the more typical Offdensen voice. “Pickles does have a greater intellect than he lets on, despite the mass quantity of chemical substances he indulges with.”

Pickles was taken a bit aback and tried to recover as best he can. “This better not be some touchy-feely type of intervention, ya douchebags. Because that is so not metal.”

****

“Ignis”, as the cultured voice called itself, launched into an epic tale of kingdoms lost, love lost, Hell even daylight lost; lots of attacks from every angle, deep and mysterious dungeons filled with monsters and demons beyond imagination, and eventual redemption at the price of a blood sacrifice. When it came to drug-induced imaginings, no one – hands down – could come close to Pickles, which is what finally made Pickles realize that he was being told the truth. It also accounted for, he thought, a greater element of story-telling in Nathan’s lyrics recently (although he could do without the gothic romance stuff – so not metal).

The “Gladio” voice that resided in Nathan chimed in… well, more like “contra-bassooned” in - with “It’s not all bad; I think this could be fun for a bit. I’ve always liked writing poetry and I feel I am good at this songwriting. Not entirely sure what you and your resident blondie mean by “metal” but I’m sure I’ll pick it up. And women! And beer! I don’t have to stay sober and celibate all the damn time to watch over everyone else’s dumb asses!”

Toki’s resident “Prompto” piped up, “Yeah! It would be like totally cool to be rock stars! I…” and here the sunshine voice faltered and whispered, “I just wish Noct was here with us.”

The tone was so heartbreaking that even Pickles wanted to comfort Toki, much like Nathan and Offdensen were doing, even though he knew it was really the three specters within his friends that were engaged in a cuddlefest at the moment.

After a while, Pickles grew visibly uncomfortable at the snuggly intimacy before him. He cleared his throat. “Um, hey… so…like… Is there anything we can do to get you back to where you belong?”

Offdensen qua Offdensen shook himself loose from the huddle and said “Well, if Ishnifus were still with us, he would probably be able to help. I am the new High Holy Priest, but not all avenues are open to me yet. Right now, though, the only person who could possibly assist is the one person we are absolutely unable to turn to for help. Nathan, Toki – I am referring to Mr. Salacia. “

“You means the big creepy fella?” asked Toki. “The ones who tried to haves us killed?”

Nathan perked up. “Yeah, that guy is bad news. Probably at least as bad as if not worse than that Ardyn fellow you were telling us about.”

Here is where Pickles felt he could shine. “I have a better idea – Nathan, remember that tribe you are related to in South America? Honey Mangoes or something like that?”

“Yaneemango. Chief Otoe is my grandfather, but yeah, why – Oh. Yopo. That released our spirit animal forms, but – “

Here the “Ignis” voice jumped in. “What? That may be the answer. How can we best achieve this? I have noticed geography is vastly different than what we are used to, but I believe we can make it there from this Mordhaus of yours in a matter of 4 days, including stops for curatives and provisions. Prompto, Gladio, we must confer with our host bodies as it will be them bearing any physical discomfort caused by this experiment.”

Nathan qua Nathan softly growls “Close your eyes and become the animals that you once were… Yeah, I’m down for this. It was cool becoming an alligator. But we have to bring Murderface and Skwisgaar – you too, Pickles.”

“Like I would turn down a chance to be an octopus again? I could play drums and guitar at the same time.”

****

Ignis had no problems with traversing a rainforest. Neither did his fellow Crownsguard really; Prompto just liked to complain about his feet hurting and question if they were there yet with a whine in his voice. Quite the trouper, he was. But despite sharing hotel rooms and tents around Eos and being accustomed to the sight of each other’s bodies, at least while they had corporeal bodies, nothing could have prepared Ignis for Murderface splayed out on deck completely nude. It was a small relief that rest of the band felt the same way, since the retching noises did nothing to deter the bass player from sprawling naked on a lounge chair while reverentially whispering “Ah, freeballing”. Ignis supposed he should be grateful the man refrained from urinating over the side of the boat, after it was relayed to him by Skwisgaar how a fish called a “Candiru” managed to lodge itself in Murderface’s urethra the last time they made this journey. While Ignis respected Skwisgaar’s talent, he had a limited tolerance for the man, as aspects of his personality were too similar to Loqi Tummelt for his taste. He felt that in Charles Foster Offdensen, he found a kindred spirit. They would often have silent conversations about the importance of lighting, and what separates the good lamps from the cheap lamps.

Gladio-within-Nathan thought this was a fine adventure; very few critters were trying to kill him, and the resident large, spotted cats kept to themselves and didn’t throw lightning bolts with the wrath of Ramuh at him. He was also silently communing with Nathan, and wishing he could stay a little longer – beer, booze, women, fame, money, lack of people trying to murder you just for being associated with royalty – yeah, a guy could definitely get used to this.

Prompto liked Toki and could relate to the child-like nature of his host body; they had much in common. Animals, video games, models of aircraft (even though what Toki worked on was nothing like the aircraft Prompto was familiar with), not to mention a brutal and lonely childhood – Toki, much like Prompto himself, often exhibited a warm and cheerful exterior to hide the small, scared child inside. At least Toki had parents, but Prompto reflected that maybe having no parents was better than having parents that were outright cold and abusive. That clown, though… Prompto admitted to himself that Dr. Rockzo was on the creepy side, even for a clown; and that was saying something.

Offdensen genuinely liked and respected his spirit resident; he wished he had an army of Ignises around. He just wanted his body back with himself as the sole occupant.

Nathan thought Gladio was a bit of a tyrant with his extensive exercise regimen, but Nathan could appreciate the results in himself. For one thing, it extended the time he could go between liver transplants; for another, it gave him new perspectives and topics for writing songs. “Battle Coeurl” had gone quadruple platinum overnight! Dick Knubbler had practically came in his boxers when he heard that, and Abigail…. Nathan smiled slightly at the memory of Abigail practically dragging him to the floor for that one.

Toki was happy to have a new friend that liked the same things he did and could relate to a bad childhood. He felt sad at the prospect of losing Prompto, but he was excited to see if he would become a shamanistic bunny again.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf was completely unaware that anything had changed with either the robot or his bandmates. He continued running scales and arpeggios on his custom Thunderhorse and gloating to himself over how superior it was to Toki’s Snow Falcon. He experienced mild disappointment when Toki didn’t play “Stops Copies Me” at the gear library, something Pickles called “sporting goods store, ya douchebag – and now my blood sugar’s low again.”

Pickles was at a bit of a loss. He kind of wanted to have a spirit buddy to talk with, but at the same time he didn’t think he was ready for that kind of intimacy. He was actually pleased; he had been looking for a reason to go back down for another dose of Yopo, but it would have been awkward dropping in on his bandmate’s relatives without Nathan in tow. If he’s gonna die, might as well die high!

Murderface napped, occasionally belching and scratching himself in awkward places in his sleep. He was looking forward to being a white tiger again; as a bass player he didn’t get a lot of respect, but as a tiger? Wow! No one would dare turn a tiger down in the mix, or have the lead guitar player (that damn Skwisgaar!) record new notes over a tiger’s bass leads!

****

Both Offdensen and Ignis thought having hordes of Klokateers drag their boat over a mountain and through the jungle was a bit excessive, but not a single member of Dethklok showed any inclination of making the final trek under their own power. Gladio was fuming and silently berating Nathan for this lack of industry, and Prompto and Toki were too caught up in playing “I Spy” to pay attention.

They knew they had reached their destination when they found themselves surrounded by spears, which were lowered as the Yaneemango tribe recognized the faces on the mountain. Offdensen found he was able communicate their issues to the shaman, having briefly studied the tribe’s language after the last time the band ran off to experience Yopo. The shaman had recognized quickly that there were foreign spirits residing within, and agreed to perform the Yopo ceremony to attempt to free them.

****

“BOSS!” yelled a moogle to Carbuncle, “You gotta come here, Kupo! This realm where Noct’s entourage ended up is going to try to separate their souls, Kupo!”

Carbuncle scurried to the moogle viewing device as fast as his four furry feet could carry him. “Quick! Patch me through to Bahamut!” The communication device crackled to life. “This had better be important,” came the deep voice over the speaker. “Sir! The primitives are going to try separating their souls from their bodies! Can you please lend your assistance?”

In less than the time it took to blink an eye, Bahamut was in the control room. He didn’t feel there was anything he could do, but it would let the moogles feel as though everything was in order. He wondered for a moment if it was blasphemous on some level for an Astral to pray.

****

The fires were lit, the chanting had begun. The shaman blew Yopo into the faces of Dethklok and their manager/CFO/legal advisor/High Holy Priest of the Church of the Black Klok. From their bodies rose the form of a hawk (Skwisgaar), white tiger (Murderface), octopus (Pickles)… and instead of an alligator and a rabbit from Nathan and Toki, there were the ghostly figures of a mountain of a man with long dark hair, glowing amber eyes, and chiseled abs; a fluffy-headed blond with eyes like a sunny afternoon and a smattering of freckles, and drifting over from Offdensen was the figure of a tall, lean man with glowing green eyes and medium brown hair; although they could see remnants of massive scarring around his eyes, he had the most beautiful smile and he gazed peacefully back. The three linked hands, slowly dissipating into small blue glowing orbs, then a sudden flash of light as –

****

The moogle crew, Carbuncle, and even Bahamut were whooping it up in the control room. It was a success! Souls retrieved and Bahamut made a mental note to add a paycheck bonus for all those involved. Even himself.

****

The three Crownsguard found themselves abruptly in what looked like the throne room of the Citadel, before Niflheim attacked. Prompto was the first to recover, yelling “NOCT!!!!” as he barreled up the stairs and was met by a charging King Noctis, wrapping their arms around each other, swiftly followed by Ignis and Gladio. Tears were shed, and no one spoke – or could speak – for the longest time. There was no need. They were home.

#FFXV #Dethklok #metalocalypse #Ignis is SO Charles Foster Offdensen or maybe he's Ignis

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chvrchesrp · 7 years

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Here is additional information on the other non-played characters on the Board of the Heavenly. Thanks so much to @madeofvirtue for helping flesh this out with me!

Brief descriptions of Temperance, Patience, Kindness, Diligence, and Humility:

TEMPERANCE

Connor Murphy / Age: 62 / Reference FC: Kevin Spacey Promoted to Board Position: October 24, 1991 (~25 years)

Background: Some people can be born with the best intentions, but have the worst luck imaginable. That’s what might one day be inscribed on Temperance’s headstone, for before Virtue found him. He was neck-deep in some of the most brutal underground gangs. Temperance had started out well-enough, had a nice family growing up and was of moderate means—only halfway through college both of his parents died in a drunk driving accident. The insurance payout gave him the chance to finish out school and get a Masters in business, but the spark that had gotten him into the world was gone. So he focused on his companies, on making more and more and more money, thinking that might fill the void in his chest. Then one day, Temperance looked up and there was a gun to his head. The executioner’s hand shook: a man with black wings smirking at Temperance from the corner, offering him a form of salvation. Temperance could have given up then, but the small voices of his parents reminded him he was more than this, that he could have the world if he only he tried, but surprisingly their voices didn’t come from his head—but instead from another man, almost forgotten by the others in the room. Virtue had come to save him from the life he’d been leading, and Temperance had never forgotten.

PATIENCE

Irene Chen / Age: 50 / Reference FC: Lucy Liu Promoted to Board Position: January 01, 1996 (~20 years)

Background: Patience has always been a bit of a hardass. She knows what she is capable of and isn’t afraid to go full steam ahead, but also knows when to wait for the perfect opportunity to arise. It’d been what made her such a great defensive lawyer, protecting those she felt needed the extra voice to prove their innocence, only... she couldn’t always help those she wanted. There were too many cases where she had to help someone she knew was guilty, and after a few years of hearing stories of those people she’d helped walk free going out and committing more crimes, it got to her. The final straw to break the camel’s back was when a case dealing with the Church of Saints came up across her roster, and she was to defend the man who had assaulted one of the Church members in “self-defense.” Patience had never felt like she was bad at that job, but the day when she was forced to stand up in front of that judge and help protect a man who she knew with every fiber of her being was wrong, she did. She flubbed every last piece of examination she possibly could, and with a heavy heart, guilt eating at her chest, she walked to the quiet man in the corner, the one she’d recognized from the very moment he’d walked in to watch the proceedings, and asked for help. Virtue had smiled, taken her hand, and brought her to the Church.

KINDNESS

Taylor Moore / Age: 39 / Reference FC: Laverne Cox Promoted to Board Position: March 19, 2002 (~14 years)

Background: Kindness grew up as part of the Church. Her mother and father, and their mothers and fathers before them, had all been a part of the Church of Saints from the very beginning, so she’d never seen anything wrong with it. Kindness loved the Church, had been one of the first up on the morning of service. She remained faithful as she grew, continuing her commitment to the Church of Saints even as her career in acting took off and put her on magazine covers. With her increase in fame, it was natural that interviews asked about everything under the sun—including her beliefs. When appropriate, she spread the word of the Church. She received some ridicule for being outspoken about her view of faith, but she has never once let it get to her, not when she knew that every step of the way she has had the Church, and Virtue, at her back, helping her, protecting her. It was this very faith that caused Virtue to take a closer look at the young child he remembered seeing on the shoulders of her father. Kindness may look different than she had when she was three feet tall, but he’d never forget the absolute joy he saw in her eyes every week. When the position of Kindness opened up on the Board, it had been a no-brainer to elevate her. It never hurt to have a bona-fide celebrity endorsing you, and especially one who was smart as well as soft, clever and critical as well as thoughtful. People believed her, believed in her, and Virtue admired that about her.

DILIGENCE

Selene Sharma / Age: 35 / Reference FC: Freida Pinto Promoted to Board Position: April 21, 2011 (~5 years)

Background: Convincing people to do things came easily to Diligence growing up, almost too easily. She recognized patterns in people’s behaviors, found what they enjoyed the most, and adjusted her image to reflect that. That wasn’t her only talent; Diligence also was an artist. Rather than going to school for psychology, she went for Marketing and Design, hoping to merge the best of both worlds. After a short stint as an unpaid intern—she vowed never to do that again—she was picked up by one of the biggest pharmaceutical companies around. Diligence created designs that enticed people to pick their products over others. Campaigns that disguised the side effects and lured people into taking not-quite-legal drugs were the norm. Diligence never thought twice about it, she was good at what she did, and took pride in that. Only, one day, a report came in that one of the drugs she’d helped market ended up killing over a hundred people in a single month, with toll still rising. Diligence walked out of the building that day and somehow through her meandering, questioning who she was and what she had done, she found herself at the steps of a Church of Saints. She’s never looked back. Diligence feels she’s atoning; while she doesn’t regret what she did, she is regretful of an FDC that let it happen, and all the lives that were lost as a result. Through hard work, she became head of marketing for the entire Church, and with every new person she can bring to the church, she hopes it helps atone for those lives that she had inadvertently cut short.

HUMILITY

Evan Carter / Age: 32 / Reference FC: Aydian Dowling Promoted to Board Position: August 08, 2014 (~2 years)

Background: Humility never wanted to be anything special, but he believed in freedom. In high school, he made his way to a recruitment office and joined the military. It was a bit of an uphill battle to pass the evaluation in his favour, but being post-op and having prepared for what to expect helped a little. But the second he was shipped overseas, he realized it wasn’t like how he imagined. Still, Humility served two tours, coming back more and more scarred each time, until the person who came back to an empty apartment, and an even emptier bank account, was not the same naive teen who had left. Humility had trouble adjusting after returning, couldn’t focus on work, found it hard to relate to others, and struggled to keep a roof over his head. Humility’s re-integration went poorly, to say the least, and he didn’t have the veteran care he needed. Eventually he found his way to a food kitchen run by the Church of Saints, and through them he found a new purpose. They gave him a job volunteering at the kitchen, they pointed his attention towards people who could get him help for his nightmares, and they gave him a second chance at living life. In repayment, he keeps his eyes open, finds lost causes and humanitarian crises that need to be seen, that need to be protected; he rallies up protests and brings the world’s attention to these things that need saving. With his history and his activism, he was a particularly good candidate for the board.

#worldbuilding #lsrpg #lsrp #literate rp #the boards #board of the heavenly

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christinaepilzauthor-blog · 7 years

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The Infamous Countess of Carlisle

by Cryssa Bazos One of the most intriguing characters in historical fiction is Milady de Winter of the Three Musketeers. Alexandre Dumas depicted her as a lethal spy whose loyalties were sold to the highest bidder, notably the Cardinal Richelieu. The inspiration for Milady was a socialite and renowned beauty of her day, Lucy Hay, Countess of Carlisle. Though Lucy was not an agent of Cardinal Richelieu, she held court at a time of social upheaval when men were drawing battle lines against King Charles I. The real woman was even more fascinating than the fictional one.

Lucy Percy, by Anthony van Dyck [Public Domain] via Wikimedia Commons

Lucy Hay was born Lucy Percy in 1599 to Lady Dorothy Devereux and Henry Percy, the 9th Earl of Northumberland. Lady Devereux was the daughter of the Earl of Essex and Lettice Knollys whose second husband, Robert Dudley the Earl of Leicester, had once been a favourite of Queen Elizabeth, that is until he and Lettice married without the Queen's permission. Through her maternal line, Lucy was the great, great granddaughter of Mary Boleyn, sister to Anne Boleyn. On Lucy's father's side, the Percys were an old and respected bloodline having first arrived with William the Conqueror, and later, descendants of King Henry III. The family stood for centuries as the bulwark against Scottish and Welsh invasion of England. Given Lucy's stellar connections, she was well poised to be a courtly influence.

Unfortunately, her early years were marked by notoriety and not the favourable kind. When Lucy had been six years old, her father had been implicated in the Gunpowder Plot (to blow up Parliament and murder King James I) due to his kinship with one of the leading conspirators, Thomas Percy. For the next seventeen years, Lucy's father was a prisoner of the Tower of London (along with famous prisoner Sir Walter Raleigh) and during this time Percy indulged his interest in alchemy and chemistry. He was committed to his experiments (even lost the hearing of one ear) and everyone called him the "Wizard Earl."

While Henry languished in the Tower, Lucy's mother tried to secure her husband's release. She appealed to her friend Queen Anne, who put in a good word with her husband, King James I, but unfortunately the King levied a crippling fine that the Percys couldn't afford and they found their estates seized. This was Lucy's early introduction to the influence women could yield in politics as well as the fickleness of royal prerogative [1]. Sometime around 1617, Lucy Percy caught the eye of James Hay, who would become the 1st Earl of Carlisle. At the time he was a baron and a widower. Her father was furious. His imprisonment put him at a disadvantage to squelch his daughter's choice, particularly since his wife favoured the match. Henry Percy did not have a high opinion of the Scottish faction at court, the courtiers who had followed King James to England upon his ascension of the English throne, and James Hay was one of the King's more extravagent favourites. Henry Percy had been reputed to say, "I am a Percy and I cannot endure that my daughter should dance any Scottish jig."

James Hay, 1st Earl of Carlisle, by Unknown National Portrait Gallery: NPG 5210 [Public Domain] via Wikimedia Commons

James Hay was not considered a handsome man, but he was suave, charismatic and knew how to entertain in style. He introduced Lucy to a sophisticated set, lavished her with courtly masques, fine music and theatre. For an ambitious woman like Lucy, James Hay was irresistible. More importantly, he pulled her from the shadow of her father's disgrace straight into the royal limelight. In November 1617, Lucy became James Hay's second wife. Her wedding was attended by the fashionable and the powerful, including Charles, Prince of Wales and George Villiers (later the Duke of Buckingham). In the early days of Lucy's marriage, her husband served as a Privy Councillor and a Groom of the Stool. Between 1618 and 1622, Hay travelled to foreign courts on behalf of the King, counselled the King on the growing troubles in Germany and recommended England's support for the Protestants in Bohemia and the Palatinate. He was a voice for the Huguenots in France though not a successful one. In 1622, the King made him the 1st Earl of Carlisle and Lucy became a Countess. Lucy flourished in the years to come, greatly celebrated for her beauty and accomplishments. She had a gift for politics and intrigues, enjoyed poetry and theatre, and cultivated admirers by the score. In later years when she contracted small pox, the entire court feared that she would be disfigured. For a time, she wore masks to hide her healing face and managed to turn them into a fashion statement. Fortunately for Lucy, the disease did not leave lasting scars. Men waxed poetic over Lucy's charms. One admirer, John Suckling, wrote a risqué poem about the bewitching Countess of Carlisle in the form of a dialogue between himself and another admirer of hers, Thomas Carew. The poem was entitled, Upon My Lady Carlisle's Walking in Hampton Court Gardens. Here is one of the stanzas:

"Twas well for thee she left the place; There is great danger in that face. But hadst thou viewed her leg and thigh, And upon that discovery Searched after parts that are more dear"

Lucy and James Hay's star continued to rise after the ascension of the new king, Charles I, and the growing influence of his favourite, George Villiers, the Duke of Buckingham. Lucy was rumoured to have been Buckingham's mistress, and through Buckingham's influence, she was appointed Lady of Queen Henrietta's Bedchamber, while her husband received a similar honour for the King.

It suited Buckingham to install Lucy as a companion to Queen Henrietta Maria, in order to be informed of the Queen's visitors and activities. The Queen was passionately against Lucy's appointment. After all, Lucy was beautiful, witty and entirely Buckingham's creature, and as her duties brought her in close contact with the King, Henrietta feared that Buckingham worked to install Lucy as the King's mistress. Charles was not so easily led astray and resisted Lucy's charms; he even refused the Queen's petition to get rid of her. Over time, Lucy overcame the Henrietta's suspicions and became a close confident to her. Through her proximity to the Queen, Lucy became the centre of fashionable society, gathering poets and politicians within her circle.

George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham By Michiel van Mierevelt [Public Domain] via Wikimedia Commons

It was around this time when the story of the French Queen's diamonds surfaced, made famous by Alexandre Dumas in The Three Musketeers. A 17th century French diarist, Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (Prince de Marcillac) wrote in his memoirs that Lucy stole the diamond studs that Anne of Austria, Queen of France, had given to her admirer Buckingham. Lucy's motives were reputed to be revenge for having been jilted by Buckingham by his obsession with the Queen. Dumas borrowed heavily from Rochefoucauld's memoirs and created the character of Milady de Winter in Lucy's image.

James Hay meanwhile continued his diplomatic service for Charles I, engaging in intrigues against Cardinal Richelieu of France and was even named Governor of the Caribbees. Eventually his health failed, and he died in 1636. Now Lucy found herself a wealthy widow, and it gave her a degree of freedom that she had never previously enjoyed before. Though she would not be shy of male companionship, she never remarried and so maintained her independence. During this chapter of her life, she fell in love with Thomas Wentworth, the Earl of Strafford. Intense, serious and ambitious, Strafford was the exact opposite of Lucy's late husband. Strafford had at one point been a vocal supporter for the rights of Parliament against royal prerogative, but he eventually switched sides to become one of the King's most ardent supporters. As discontent against the King grew and the country headed toward civil war, Strafford became a scapegoat for the country's ills, and Parliament called for his impeachment. The impeachment failed but a bill of attainder was passed against him, and Charles I had no choice than to sign the attainder and seal Strafford's death. To read more about Strafford's trial, see Strafford Must Die by Annie Whitehead. Politically astute, Lucy managed to distance herself from Strafford so she was not brought low by his ruin. Lucy Hay was a survivor, after all. She switched sides and started passing information to one of Parliament's most ardent advocates, John Pym. Some even said she became his mistress. Perhaps one of the most important pieces of information that she passed to Pym, and which was credited with igniting the spark of civil war, was a warning that the King was planning to arrest Pym and four of his companions. Pym managed to escape, and a week later, he returned triumphant to Parliament to resume his crusade against the King. When the English Civil War broke out in 1642, Lucy favoured Parliament, though she took care to not entirely burn her bridges on the other side. She had a growing aversion to royal prerogative. Lucy favoured moderation, where the nobility retained their privilege instead of being irrelevant by the whims of the king. By the end of the 1st civil war, when it became apparent that Parliament was being circumvented by a fanatic Puritan faction, moderate Lucy switched sides to help spy for the Royalists.

During the second civil war (1647-1648), Lucy raised funds for the king and acted as a go-between the Royalists in the north and Queen Henrietta. In the end, all her efforts were for naught. The King was captured and in January 1649, executed. Two months later, Parliament arrested Lucy and sent her to the Tower of London for questioning. They threatened her with torture but could not break her. Lucy remained in the Tower for eighteen months, ironically not far from where her father had been kept all those years. Eventually she was paroled and released. In the final years of Cromwell's Protectorate, Lucy became a Royalist agent, joining others who worked to restore Charles II to his father's throne. A few short months after the Restoration, on November 5, 1660, Lucy Hay, Countess of Carlisle quietly passed away.

Femme fatale, informant, spy, Lucy Hay was a fascinating character. Alexandre Dumas obviously agreed. Further reading: Court Lady and Country Wife: Royal Privilege and Civil War (Two Noble Sisters in 17th century England), by Lita-Rose Betcherman. [1] The English Civil War: A People's History, by Diane Purkiss Poem of the week: Upon My Lady Carlisle's Walking in Hampton Court Gardens by John Suckling. ~~~~~~~~~~

Cryssa Bazos is historical fiction writer and 17th century enthusiast with a particular interest in the English Civil War. Her debut novel, Traitor's Knot, will be published by Endeavour Press and will be released in 2017. For more stories about the English Civil War and the 17th century, visit her blog cryssabazos.com. Follow Cryssa on Twitter (@CryssaBazos) and on Facebook.

Hat Tip To: English Historical Fiction Authors

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