#and if someone literally just lost their chickens or if their husband is sick and needs medicine. he's willing to help them out
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hi im ranting (positively! this game kills me but in a good way) about breath of the wild again
i know it's controversial but i love the way the story of the game is told. because you start the game in the middle, perhaps near the end, of the story. the game is entirely through link's perspective and he wakes up knowing and remembering nothing. in turn, the player starts off knowing nothing. the past is revealed as the story goes along, and the player learns about the past and about the land as link does. there are little tidbits about hyrule and about the calamity scattered across the land. an old woman in hateno village tells you of an age of desolation that she grew up in. the travellers you see on the road are younger people because they're described by older characters as more bold, whereas the older characters grew up being told to never leave the village, it's too dangerous outside (compare this even to tears of the kingdom, where travellers are more common because the land has been safer. even older characters have left their home to travel elsewhere (not including the lurelin villagers)). battlefields are still strewn with old rusty weapons and deactivated guardians that no one but monsters will go near. myths and legends about the princess and hero have been passed down, to the point where their legitmacy is questioned and everyone has a different opinion on them.
it's environmental storytelling. it's things like seeing drawings and a bow in zelda's study and seeing a child reading a storybook with a hero that wears a blue tunic similar to link's. it's the stories that the villagers share about old myths that turn out to be true. it's the ruins scattered across the land, long since overtaken by monster camps but still unmistakably being houses that people once lived in. it's the utter lack of civilization anywhere remotely near the castle and the feeling of dread in the ruins of the town that surrounds it. it's a kingdom entrenched in its past, with no ability to move away from it until the calamity is finally defeated.
#head into the wall. i love this game so much#legend of zelda#breath of the wild#and no i dont hate totk for getting rid of the sheikah tech and replacing it with zonai tech#the zonai tech is foreign and new to the people of hyrule and theyre EXCITED about it#how many zonai researchers are there in totk vs how many sheikah researchers in botw?#people are wary of the technology that destroyed their home a century ago#and they're terrified of the guardians that still roam the land#i still hold that link likely was behind the reason why the shrine of resurrection was completely dismantled#it's kinda like majora's mask in which half of the story is in the side quests and the characters#mm had a plot yeah but it kind of accompanied the rest of the setting#link had a goal but he also had so many people to talk to#botw is similar. link has a goal in mind but he's also one to help others#and if someone literally just lost their chickens or if their husband is sick and needs medicine. he's willing to help them out#the world is just as important as the plot itself and i think i like that more#than just a linear plot which is accompanied by the world#botw totk and mm reward you for exploring#(along with some of the others like twilight princess and a link between worlds)#but it's very different i think when half of the game is about exploring#or more than half even. you have your goal but you have to get there first#and there are so many ways you can get there and so much you can encounter along the way#biting screaming crying#the bow is in zelda's room but close enough
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…wasn’t going to….but now it’s after 3 am and I can’t sleep….so long winded rant it is.
Today was a really rough day. My moms best fren passed away at the beginning of this month….and today was her memorial. Which in and of itself is sad and difficult. But also she was in her mid 90s, so it wasn’t completely unexpected….ya know? She wasn’t even sick or anything.
But having to go to her memorial was, I guess, triggering for me. It was like attending a church service. Which I haven’t done in like over a decade…..because we are extremely strong atheists on this blog. Religion is poison. And the whole thing made me feel things I didn’t want to feel while grieving for my mom and loss of her bff. Things like anger and the hatred of white saviors. One of the speakers spoke at the room as “all of us here as Christians” and went off about how Christians have such hardships. FIRST OF ALL. Speak for your self. Second of all, could you imagine the amount of good this lady would have done if it weren’t all done in the name of Jesus. Like, what if you just did good things because it’s the correct thing to do?? Not to force feed your bullshit god downs someone’s throat.
So many many many times people would say “she was a wonderful ✨servant✨” “such a great ✨servant✨ of the lord”
…..if anyone refers to me as a fucking servant at my fucking funeral I will literally pop out of that fucking grave and haunt their ass…..
And it was literally every single person in the room. It’s so absolutely demoralizing to me to encounter such large groups of cult worship. They made everyone sing worship songs and pray and stuff. It’s so hard for me to stomach any of that.
And I guess it makes me also feel bad for my mom. She so badly wanted the daughters that have stark white walls in their 5 bedroom suburban house with live laugh love hanging on them while they over cook unseasoned chicken in the kitchen. Married with 4 children while being worship team leaders and Sunday school teachers. I know she looks at her frens grandson and his “perfect” family and wishes that was hers. Not a happily single blue haired anti-religion atheist who hates children….or a multi-colored half shaved head who’s riding out the consequences of alcohol well into her thirties and whose significant other is not of the male gender. I think she’s come to terms with the fact that we will not be reproducing. So at least there’s that.
Another thing that bothers me, is going on about how they could never survive hardships without god. And how god is so great and loving and gave them the strength to work through the loss of a child and husband……I’m just like, no. YOU are the strength. YOU got yourself through that. There is no god here. If god did anything in that scenario, he’s the one who allowed your child to die in your arms. He’s the one who allowed your husband to be lost at sea. Because HE didn’t save them. So don’t start with the bullshit. I can’t stomach it.
And what really just got me, like just to put this in perspective, my mom had the audacity to tell me that I was a god send for being able to take her to this funeral. I’m like…no. I’m not. I chose to spend the entirety of my only two days off for this week entertaining you and having you stay at my house while driving you 9 hours in one day so you could attend your frens funeral. ✨I✨ did that. Because ✨I✨ knew it was the ✨right✨ thing to do, because I couldn’t sit by and have you miss your best frens funeral….and then let my sister pull an all nighter to drive you home after she got off work……only to drive back to Seattle to work her next shift with no sleep. God did not send me. I fucking sent ✨myself✨ and now I’m dealing with the emotional, psychological, and physical consequences of doing that.
And the black void of tumblr is where I’m going to shout about it.
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Some other quotes from Tommy’s stream.
Jack: “You died and you think you’re all that. And you think you know everything.”
Tommy: “I don’t think I’m all that! I died.”
Jack: “I died!”
Jack: “We died!”
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Tommy about Tubbo: “He’s staring at me like I’m not even real. And he’s got a new best friend.... a new husband!”
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Tommy: “I died! And now I’m not even back!!”
“I can’t believe so many people think I’m dead.”
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T: “Connor I died and it feels like I’m straight back there. Being punched to death. I need to be honest with you, it feels like I’m right there. I fall to the ground and I die and I see it and then I’m here for months. I was there for months Connor. In the void.”
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Tommy, to L’Manberg: “I fucking miss when times were simpler. All I had to worry about was defeating one big green guy and all I had to do was follow someone else’s lead. But now it looks like I’m gonna have to follow my own lead.”
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Tommy to Ranboo, about Tubbo: “He just looked at your ass.”
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Ranboo: “Did Sam lie?”
T: “Sam did not lie. I was gone.”
Ranboo: “You were... gone...?”
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Tommy: “Why’s he looking at you like that? Why’s he— is he your best friend?”
Ranboo: “Yeah he’s one of my best friends, yeah.”
T: “......Cool.”
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Quackity: “I don’t know what kind of sick fucking joke this is. Halloween was a long time ago and for you to be dressing up as a deceased person. I dont know who’s doing this, I don’t know who’s doing this shit— this shit is so disrespectful. I encourage you to go change your skin right now. Because this is not funny. This is not funny at all.
T: “..okay....”
Quackity: “You sound like him too...”
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“I know I’m here but... I still feel fucking dead.”
“And I’m not even Tubbo’s best friend anymore....”
“I cant do this anymore. I cant keep being dead. I cant keep being the one in the middle. I cant keep being the one alone in the middle. I need to kill Dream. And I need to do it soon.”
Jack Manifold Stream Quotes!
“Thank you for the raid Tommy! Thank you! Oh just remembered, You’re a dick head! Oops! Brain slipped there!”
“I shouldn’t have grieved Tommy the day he died. I lost my friend a long time ago.”
“Because Tommyinnit isn’t my friend and he hasn’t been my friend for a long time. All that remains is a ball of chaos. [Dream]’s in [prison] and Tommy’s still going the thing that he’s always done. Going after him. And all that happens is other people get hurt. Tubbo, me, Niki, everyone!”
“Dream didnt bring back a friend with that book, he brought back a monster.”
“He said that he came back and learned a lot. What did he learned? Because he just seemed to prove he didn’t change. All he did was belittle me and talk over me. He changed none.”
“Dream needs a *book* to bring himself back. Man does not. Does man need book, right chat?”
“Someone in chat said ‘if you knew what Tommy went through.—‘ if Tommy knew what *I* went through than we wouldn’t have any of this. I’d be up to talk. But he Isnt.”
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Niki: “We literally tried to nuke this child and he’s still alive, so can you blame me?” [for not believing Tommy was dead]
Jack: “Well Dream beat him to death with a potato so I bet that makes us feel better about the nuke plan”
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Niki: “Jack, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kill Tommy. Ya know Tommy has gone through a lot to and it’s not his fault Wilbur..-“
Jack: “He sacrificed nations and people for little discs of vinyl. He’s been through a lot but we haven’t sacrificed others like he has.”
N: “You’re right but... we don’t really need nations... do we Jack?”
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[After Niki describes her village as people take what they need as they need it and not having a government]
Jack:“What happens when someone comes along and wants to take too much? What then?”
Niki:“Nothing! I just.. I just built this place. That’s all. No one runs this place.”
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Jack to Niki: “Every time I’ve tried to go on and do my own thing he comes and ruins the picture. I cant go and do my own things. Today he came and shrugged me off and dismissed me. He hasn’t change and he’s gonna keep this up! I want to take him down.”
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Jack: “ ‘Been through a lot.’ ’been through a lot’ it’s like she forgot everything. Everything we went through together. As if it never happened. How do you just moved on? Knowing that he’s still alive and could do it all over again. It’s great she has baking and chickens and being an anarchist or whatever. But how. How, if she’s really with me, does she turn and look at me and go ‘yeah but he’s been through a lot’ as if he’s not gonna go back and do it again.”
J: “At least Tommy was killed by his enemy. Someone he knew would kill him. I got killed by my best friend.”
J: “That books didn’t bring back my friend. He brought back Dream’s toy.”
“I have never in my life have been so pleased to hear the words ‘You look poor.’ ” - After Foolish gave him two diamond blocks
Chat: “It’s time to ‘be worse’ Jack Manifold. Be worse to make the world better.”
Jack: “That’s a good point, chat. Good point...”
#tommyinnit#ranboo#Tubbo#Quackity#jack manifold#niki nihachu#dream#nihachu#connoreatspants#l’manberg#awsamdude#mcyt#mcytblr#minecraft yt#dsmp#dream smp#dreamsmp#mod caden#clingyblr
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So I've been playing The Hades Game like fucking mad for the last few weeks, and although I'm not very far in it (at least, I don’t think I am; I’ve only beat Hades once!), I'm absolutely in love with it! Anyways, a certain idea has been kicking around in my head for awhile now, so I thought I'd share it with y'all; feel free to tell me what you think of it! (Warning: spoilers for when you beat Hades the first time!)
Anyways, I've already seen a really cool AU post for if Demeter raised Zagreus on the surface by herself (which you can find HERE; please check it out, the outfit for Zag alone is an amazing concept, and I love the artwork!!!) but I keep thinking about an AU where, after Zagreus dies at birth, Persephone runs away and takes his wrapped up body with her.
On the surface, she reconnects/reunites with her mother Demeter, and with her aid, the two of them manage to resurrect the newborn baby, though now he has more white in his hair than anything else. After that, Persephone sends Hades a letter to tell him that Zagreus is alive and well (because she actually has some fucking class), before proceeding to raise Zagreus on the surface with her mother, far away from the entrance to hell. The Olympians also help her out a bit, but mostly they just help by hiding Zagreus when it’s necessary.
(The rest is under a cut ‘cus this got a bit long, sorry!)
Years pass in relative peace, until Zagreus is about as old as he is in-game (I think he’s around 20-25ish???) and is living well, working with his mom and grandma to take care of their gardens and live peacefully away from mankind; he especially loves tending to the animals and guiding lost mortals to safety. However, one day while foraging for fruit in the deepest corners of his mother’s signature garden, Zagreus happens across a strange man in long robes, who introduces himself as Thanatos.
The two men get along swimmingly from minute one, and after agreeing to meet with each other again soon, they leave and tell their families/friends all about the experience, having no clue who they are to each other. After all, Thanatos was told growing up that his lord’s first wife died giving birth to their first and only child, who was a stillborn, and Zagreus thinks his father died of disease (his mom didn’t have to heart to tell him anything bad about his dad). Needless to say, they’re gonna be in for quite the shock soon.
Cue Hades losing his shit and calling on Thanatos, Megaera, and Achilles to go find his progeny and bring him home; he gives them special permission to leave the Underworld without any resistance, trusting Than to lead the way back to Zagreus. Achilles is less than thrilled to be performing such a morally grey task for his master, but Meg and Than are eager to prove themselves, so he begrudgingly agrees to help, even if it hurts his conscience to do so.
Persephone and Demeter also freak the hell out on their end, scared shitless by the fact that Death incarnate has just met their son/grandson, and they’re worried that he plans on coming back again soon. Demeter suggests sending Zagreus to live with the Olympians until this all blows over, but Persephone disagrees, wanting her son to stay nearby in case he grows ill (it’s implied that she’s a bit overprotective of him, mostly because she’s afraid of him dying again; this also means she refuses to let him know that he’s in any danger, believing it would only make things worse for him in the long-run). Frustrated but understanding her daughter’s pain all too well, Demeter at least convinces her to call on the Olympians for aid, which Persephone agrees to do.
The gods promise to help of course, but... well, they're low-key lying; they wanna see how this plays out first.
After several days of traveling through hell (literally), the “let’s kidnap Zagreus” gang makes it to the surface, and they immediately head to Persephone’s garden. All this time, Zagreus has no idea that he’s being targeted, so he goes about his chores as usual, only to run into Than again, and hey, he brought some more friends for him to meet! Zagreus is friendly with all of them, being raised to be very polite by his guardians, and while he’s busy chatting with Than and Achilles, he doesn’t notice Meg sneaking behind him. Just as Zagreus is rattling on about how the animals have been faring this summer, Meg stabs Zagreus in the back with a blade coated in Hades’s blood, cursing him to belong to the Underworld again.
With Zagreus now unconscious from a sedative that was mixed with the blood, the trio hurry off with him back to the Underworld, but not without Persephone seeing what they’ve done to her son. Horrified, she begins to sob, and winter arrives in the mortal world without so much as a fall season in-between this and the summertime.
When Zagreus comes to, he finds himself in a bedroom similar to the one he has in the game, but it’s much cleaner and has less objects of personal value to him. Hades is standing at the foot of his bed when he wakes up, and very calmly, Hades tells Zagreus that he’s his father, and that from now on, Zagreus will be living in the Underworld with him and his people, where he so obviously belongs. It’s a shame his mother can’t be here, of course, but they just need to wait awhile, that’s all; surely she’ll come to her senses and return home soon, now that her husband and son are here.
Zagreus jumps out of bed and faces his father as soon as he’s done monologuing, ready to tell him off for what he’s done, but to his shock, Hades hugs him as soon as he’s on his feet, and admits that he’s waited for this day for a long, long time. He asks his son to please just accept that this is his home now, and despite still being a bit surprised (and subtly hugging Hades back because Longing), Zagreus tells him straight up that he can’t, that he has to get home, especially with winter coming in a few months!
Dejected but not overly surprised, Hades simply nods in acceptance, but he still warns Zagreus that it’s no use trying to fight it; he’s stuck here, now and forever, so he may as well get comfortable and try getting along with him, because no one’s going anywhere anytime soon. Zagreus is horrified, but he nods nonetheless, unsure of what to say or do just yet.
Later that night, as Zagreus is struggling to sleep in this new, unfamiliar place, Achilles comes to him and apologizes about what’s happened, and although he can’t magically fix everything for him, he tells Zagreus that it actually is supposedly possible to escape; it’s just that no one’s ever done it before. Driven by his desire for freedom and the thought of reuniting with his mother, Zagreus tells Achilles that he’s going to find a way out, no matter the cost. Achilles congratulates him on his tenacity, but warns him that it won’t be easy. Still, he’s willing to help Zagreus as much as he can.
From then on, I imagine the game playing out very differently from the original, with a rather frazzled and scared Zagreus trying to get home to his mom and grandma, but with none of his training from Achilles in this AU, he has to rely on something his mother taught him; his connection with earth and all it’s inhabitants. Or, in his case, his connection with the spirits of animals (a cross of his dad and mom’s powers). That’s right, I’m making The Hades Game into a fucking Pokemon-ripoff, but still with some rouge-like elements mixed in (mostly with Zagreus not keeping his animals after runs).
Having royally fucked up in not stepping in sooner to protect Zagreus, the gods end up helping him out by sending down animals associated with them for the young god to tame for a run (I’ll come up with them later). They usually offer a selection to choose from, and from there Zagreus can build up a team and use it to try and escape the Underworld.
To replace weapons, I like to think he’d have “signature” animals that can help him out for any of his runs, specifically ones from Achilles, Poseidon, Zeus, Demeter (once he reaches the surface at least once), and eventually even Hades gives him one if they bond together enough ((yes, it’s Cerberus... kinda; it’s a puppy version of him, otherwise he’d be OP as fuck)). Zagreus’s signature animals can all be given names, and they keep certain skills that they pick up through enough experience battling in the Underworld for Zagreus.
As for story-line stuff, Zagreus ends up in a very fish out of water situation as he tries to get to know everyone in Hades’s house (he’s still our kindhearted Zag, after all, and he knows most of them aren’t to blame, not even really Than!) while also focusing on his goal to get home to his mom. Hades ends up being a lot nicer to him in this AU, perhaps overly so, as he’s trying to make his son like him more in order to make up for lost time (and fill the hole in his heart that Zag’s initial death as an infant and Persephone leaving with him created). It’s part of the reason he’s even letting Zagreus try to escape; he wants him to learn that it won’t work on his own terms (and maybe also scare the kid so bad that he comes running to him for comfort afterwards).
Also, I should really note that Zagreus is 100% a sweet country farm boy in this AU, and he has no idea what the fuck is going on with pretty much anything in the Underworld, much to everyone’s astonishment. For example:
Meg: Gods, it must be weird getting used to everything down here, huh? Sick of stepping in bat shit yet? Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it, and Dusa’s pretty good about cleaning it up to begin with.
Zagreus: I mean, I guess? It’s not that different from chicken shit tbh.
Meg: What the fuck is a chicken???
After that... yeah, I dunno. I’ll try playing Hades some more, see if I think up anything else that could be interesting, but for now, I hope at least someone ends up liking this dumb AU (if not, I’ll still like it... might even try my hand at drawing for it a bit tbh). Again, please check out the person who’s post/art I linked earlier in the post, ‘cus their art is really awesome and inspired me to include Demeter more in this AU!
#supercasey ramblings#hades game#zagreus#zagreus hades#thanatos#hades#persephone#demeter#megaera#achilles#hades farmboy au#i dunno what else to fucking call it#thanzag#if ya squint
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Drop those shuunaki babies hcs please!
ABSOLUTELY ! Okay I have way more of these than I thought I just love these stupid dudes and their stupid kids
After those two extremely weird dudes got married, had a long honeymoon, and settled for awhile, they’d look into getting kids. Both never had any doubts that they wanted them, Naki likes kids and totally lit up when he realized he could have his own, and Shuu had always wanted to start a family since he was 9.
Their original plan was to get a surrogate. They’ve got the money and Shuu had assumed he’d have bio kids, but when Mirumo heard from Kanae that his son was planning on giving him grandchildren, he asked him to come in and talk to him alone. Shuu went in, excited to plan for having kids, and his dad immediately grabbed him by the shoulders and said something along the line of “I’m so proud of you for starting your journey as a father but I am literally begging you not to have bio kids. You’re the first gay in the family you have the option to adopt or use your husband as a donor and should.” Obviously Shuu is confused, he thought his father would want a grandson that had their blood, but was convinced by “you know how you’re a hemophiliac? Garbage genes. Rc absorption problems? Garbage genes. DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR BACK BRACE? DO YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO HAVE THE BACK BRACE? IT WILL!” Shuu is many things, but he is not a man who would subject another person to his bullshit Alabama genes if it means they’ll have to suffer through going to middle school in a back brace like he did. He was nervous to tell Naki about the change in plans after they’d already made them, but he was totally indifferent. Okay we doing store bought instead of homemade? Cool let’s get a blond one! Doesn’t care at all he just wants child
They send Kanae out to find some ghoul kids. It used to be easy, ghoul children used to be orphaned all the time, but since decriminalization they’ve all been cared for. Kanae tells them that they can literally just go to an adoption agency and ask for ghoul kids.
Obviously this gay couple made up of a flamboyant rich twink and an illiterate bastard who ate something out of the trash but had perfect eyeliner, both of whom ate people, were ushered immediately away from the human kids. Luckily they’re rich enough to not get dropped from the adopter list so, as rude as biased foster parents are, they still get to meet with the ghoul kids. While Shuu is looking around, realizing that he has no idea how to choose a child to be his own, Naki had already clicked with one. There’s a mute kid with two siblings who’s been there awhile, and Naki so happens to have two best friends who taught him some simple sign. After watching his husband chatting with this kid who looks tentatively hopeful about having someone who can communicate well with him, he knows it’s not even a question
They adopt the three kids. Satoshi, the mute boy, is the oldest at 9. Fudo, the middle boy, is 6. Hoshi, the only girl, is 3. They lost their parents shortly after the youngest was born and had been bounced around foster homes ill equipped for ghouls for awhile, so suddenly having two loving parents, a team of servants ready to help them, and a massive estate, is more than any of them expected
Satoshi immediately latched onto Shuu. The kid loves art and music and his flamboyant ass father couldn’t be more excited to take him to museums and concerts. Now all the upscale events he goes to he takes Satoshi, and it’s common gossip that Tsukiyama has a tiny, silent, blond clone of himself with him at all times. Seriously that kid took right to being a noble’s son, he’s got a tiny suit and everything
Naki has a talent for getting along with kids, he’s always been protective of kids and now that he has his own he’s never away from them. He’s never let Fudo out of his sight for long and barely puts Hoshi down. A lot of the time he’s got all three kids climbing on him and he’s never been happier
Since the Lets Not Eat People vaccine, ghouls have had trouble getting used to human food, especially kids who are picky enough on their own. Shuu always had the most gourmet dishes because he only allows the best for his kids, but they didn’t really like any of it. Shuu was ranting to Chie about how he’s worried about his children not eating, and she suggested that kids don’t want gourmet shit, they just was Dino nuggets or something. He refuses to believe her, but one day she shows up with some microwaved chicken fingers and the kids DEMOLISH it. Shuu finally relents and feeds his kids “middle class garbage” as he puts it. At least Satoshi likes lobster, the only loyal bastard in this house.
Speaking of Chie, she and Kanae make an amazing aunt and uncle. While Kanae is more of a Child Wrangler, Chie is a Child Enabler who gives them candy and firecrackers to scare the shit out of Shuu. They look forward to her visits every time
Fudo is hyperactive, even for a ghoul kid. They give him coffee, which for ghouls helps calm them since it’s how most of them deal with their own hyperactivity, but it doesn’t do much. This kid just needs to move and luckily he’s on an estate where he can do that. He and Naki go sprinting and chasing through the gardens, often with Hoshi or Satoshi on his shoulders, and zoom until he’s exhausted
Having dealt with ghoul persecution, parental death, and being a mute kid in ill equipped foster care, Satoshi understandably has some issues. He hides food in his room and tries to take care of illnesses or messes himself since he’s not used to having guardians quick to help him. Luckily his dads step right in to help him, they’ve gotten him (and his brother for good measure) a therapist and do whatever they can to help him feel at home. He hides food in his room? Okay let’s get a mini fridge so ants don’t get to it. Afraid they’ll be mad when he gets sick or makes a mess? That’s okay they’ll ask him all the time how he’s feeling and if there’s anything they can help him with. The kid’s been doing way better since getting there
Naki is always dragging everyone into family cuddles. He never got physical affection as a kid and is making Damn sure his kids do
Getting them to school was a priority. By the time they adopted ghouls have been decriminalized for a few years and schools are open to them, so they don’t have to go through the same thing Mirumo did for Shuu of setting up a network of ghoul teachers to protect him. They send them to the best elementary school they could find with ironclad IEPs and the only hard part was getting Naki to stop staking out the school. The kids are fine, go home
Mirumo is an awesome grandpa, he’s always visiting the kids. He’s also a very weird man and always telling wild stories
The white suits join in on taking care of these kids, if they’re Boss Naki’s children that means they’re all uncles now
Both Shuu and Naki freaked out when Satoshi started forming his first kagune. Shuu still shudders at the memory of the terrifying and painful ordeal of his and Naki’s wasn’t much better. They assume his will be just as difficult and scary, but it only takes a minute for him to form his, a lovely rose colored ukaku. Turns out the dads just had particularly bad experiences and their kid is fine, but was still immediately rushed into celebratory cuddles
The older these kids get, the more they understand how weird their family is but don’t dislike any of it. Sure Dad can’t read, sure Papa is embarrassingly dramatic in front of their friends, but they couldn’t ask for a better family
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do u have any krbk fics that u can rec? any favorites of urs! ☺️
you’re in luck bc i just made a rec list for a friend so i have this ready for you
also i’ve got over 200 krbk bookmarks on ao3 so feel free to check that out if you finish this rec list.
all (except one) of these are completed. they're in no particular order. i tried to find ones that are less known, bc idk how much you've read but i'm assuming all the popular ones are familiar to you. happy reading! 💖💖💖
Inevitable - Legendaerie - 8k - mature
CLASSIC 'bkg thinks they've been together and kiri thinks he's still pining' TROPE. it's INCOMPREHENSIBLE to me why this doesn't have more fucking kudos!!! why!!!
Tiny Truths - Quirk Archivist (OneHitWondersAnonymous) - 4k - teen
bkg gets de-aged. kid him reveals sth to class 1a, more imptly, to KIRI, abt some ideas about what it means to open a hero agency together. it's super adorable!!
Punch My Mouth with Your Mouth - QuestCat44 - 4k - teen
bkg spars with deku more bc OfA is acting up and he's the only one in the know. kiri gets jealous but he's so good-natured that his jealousy is only bc he misses sparring/spending time with bkg. BKG, on the other hand, is worried kiri is mad for different reasons asdkjfhasdhfa
all according to keikaku........... - carolinaa - 8k - teen
the title should already tell you how good this is. I LOVE JEALOUSY FICS WHEN THEY'RE MORE FUNNY THAN ANGSTY AND THIS IS SO FUNNY. kiri gets tired of deku being a pussy around todo and decides to flirt with todo to get deku jealous enough to do sth about it. bkg and todo are both horrified for VERY different reasons DHADSKDFHJS
doll me up - shizuumi151 - 6k - gen
kiri gets turned into a doll by a kid's quirk and no one knows. bkg still ends up caring for him :’)
These Words Are Ours - deviance - 2k - teen
soulmate au but bkg figures who's going to say his words before it happens, and honestly that's kind of the point. he's not the type to fall in love at first sight. he MAKES the choice to love kiri and that, my friends, is my kind of soulmate au.
all good things need sunshine - shizuumi151 - 3k - teen
FLORIST KIRI. BKG WANTS A BOUQUET THAT SAYS 'FUCK YOU'
Flour Power - WingSongHalo - 26k - teen
KRBK HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF A BAG OF FLOUR AND PRETEND IT'S THEIR BABY
feedback loop - bigstupidjellyfish - 1k - teen
PRO HERO BKG GETS THROWN BACK IN TIME FOR A BIT AND MEETS MIDDLE SCHOOL KIRI AND HE'S SO SOFT TO HIM ASDFHKASDFJ. i am a big fan of bkg being a fan of kiri. i can't get ENOUGH OF IT. can someone give me more fics like this
mixed signals - bigstupidjellyfish - 2k -teen
a short 'what if' fic where kiri and bkg went to the same middle school. bkg's still an ass but kiri's still his equal it seems, and is just as good as handling him as ever
Trash Goblin Finds Love - wrunic - 4k - teen
COFFEE SHOP AU. BARISTA KIRI GETS SICK ONE TIME AND BKG MAKES HIM SOUP AND FORCES KIRI'S COWORKER TO DELIVER IT ASDJHFS
Dreaming of a White Mocha Christmas - let_me_wander - 8k - teen
ANOTHER COFFEE SHOP AU. BARISTA KIRI AND HIS FAV CUSTOMER ;) GET SNOWED IN
Something Warm - let_me_wander - 15k - teen
YES FOLKS IT'S A A A ANOTHER COFFEE SHOP FIC, THAT'S RIGHT!! BARISTA BKG THIS TIME. also kr is in a band and writes a song for bkg asdfhksjd
Kneel - deviance - 7k - explicit
idk if you wanted explicit stuff but this is pretty light sub stuff, they're not even properly together at the beginning, and there isn’t sex til the end. i just liked how kiri is the only one bkg would rely on for sth this private, and it's more emotional than it is sexual?
Everyone Knows That Cats Are Independent - PurplePersnickety - 39k - teen
YET. ANOTHER. COFFEE SHOP AU. but also?? daemons?? katsuki's got a lionness, and kiri has a...i'll let you find out. anyway they become closer and closer and closer and the flirting is so fucking excruciatingly obvious but cute and sdkjfhasdjs it's such a queer experience like 'is he...no he cant be...but what if he did like me - no that's not possible. but what if?' and they get so domestic sometimes i swear i'm about to puke from how cute it is. this is my fav coffee shop au ngl
Broken Bridges - DeathBelle - 68k - explicit
plot fic!! krbk loses touch after gradutation. kiri comes back from korea and starts to work together with bkg, dealing with a series of murders and MAN the action is 👌 easy to follow but it hits all the beats, has that Flow. krbk being a power couple will never get old!!
Of Ghosts and other Inaccurate Things - chezka - 56k - gen
pretty sure you've seen this one around but STILL. BKG FALLING FOR 'GHOST' KIRI IS BEST. this au really takes FULL COMPLETE advantage of the fact that krbk CANNOT TOUCH and the yearning practically astral-projected me back into the my past life when i was a dung beetle that got crushed under the foot of an elephant. it hurt, basically. but it hurt so good. JUST LET BKG HUG KIRI!!! happy ending ofc.
Catching Bees - MonocerosRex - 2k - teen
bkg has to pay his classmates compliments. class 1a hijinks. the krbk in this is short but it made me squeal sdhfkakjl
i'm going to the forest to kick my own ass - WannabeMarySue - 5k - teen
TODO PRANKS BKG BUT UNLUCKY FOR HIM BKG IS COMPETITIVE AND ACTUALLY LEARNS SOMETHING
Hair Care 101 - overlymetaromantic - 7k - gen
ASDHFASDFHAJKS KIRI MEETS BKG'S MOM BY ACCIDENT AND GETS HAIR HELP AND THEY TALK ABOUT BKG AND IT'S SO. CUTE. AND THEN BKG DYES KR'S HAIR IN THE SECOND CHAPTER AND THEY'RE SO BLUSHY AND SWEET I CAN'T!!
Sometimes We Fall in the Dark - timetoboldlygo - 16k - teen
BKG TAKING PHOTOS OF THINGS FOR THERAPY. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT HOW YOU PHOTOGRAPH THINGS YOU TREASURE 👀👀👀
Corn Chip - smol_bird - 23k - teen
I DONT FUCKIGN KNOW WHY THIS DOESN'T HAVE MORE KUDOS. IT'S LITERALLY SO GOOD. DEMON KIRI IS JOKINGLY SUMMONED BY BKG AND FRIENDS. THEY FALL IN LOVE. KIRI HAS TO LEAVE. BKG IS DETERMINED NOT TO LET THAT HAPPEN. HAPPY ENDING. WHAT ELSE COULD YOU ASK FOR
'cause i love you for infinity - multiclassmaps - 23k - teen
SDHFADSJFASD DEMON AU AGAIN. THIS TIME IT'S KIRI THAT DOES THE SUMMONING. BUT WHY DOES BKG SEEM SO FAMILIAR??? WHAT CAN KIRI DO TO MAKE HIM STAY??
to the beat of your heart - drifting_i - 8k - gen
BAND AU. KIRI WORKS AT A RESTAURANT AND SOMEHOW BEFRIENDS DRUMMER BKG AND BKG'S BAND CAN'T BELIEVE THAT KIRI GETS AWAY WITH HALF THE SHIT BKG ALLOWS HIM TO
Playing Favorites - vaporeon_ninja - 2k - gen
AKSDJFHJADHFKA BKG GETS CALLED OUT ON HIS KIRI FAVOURITISM
(Not Quite) Proposal - imatrisarahtops - 783 - teen
DRUNK BKG IS SAPPY WITH HIS BOYF
something worth remembering - bbuggs - 1k - teen
DRUNK BKG AGAIN!!! THIS TIME HE DOESN'T REMEMBER KIRI IS HIS HUSBAND AND HE'S SO DISTRAUGHT ABOUT KIRI BEING TAKEN SDFJHSK
A Dragon's Hoard - chezka - 10k - teen
kiri gets turned into a dragon bc of a quirk. LOVE HOW DRAGON KIRI STILL LIKES BKG BEST
Love Notes - PurplePersnickety - 5k - teen
LOVE NOTES BKG LEAVES LOVE NOTES FOR KIRI IT'S SO SWEET
Define: Oblivious - PurplePersnickety - 45k - teen
this is the second part to Love Notes, it's still updating BUT PLEASE CHECK IT OUT TOO BC KIRI DOES STH SO BADASS DURING PRACTICAL TRAINING I LOVE HIM I REREAD THIS NOW AND THEN JUST FOR HOW COOL HE IS IN THAT ONE CHAPTER. also the steady, careful way krbk define their relationship and bkg's demisexuality is so sweet, so good.
The Hard Easy - dirtbag - 4k - teen
this one is pretty popular but i still gotta mention it bc. kissing lessons. KISSING LESSONS!!! i love how eagar bkg is askdfhks
Kitsune's Pride - kytrin, Mslead - 147k - explicit
okay this was A DOOZY like i???? the plot???? the time travel and the oni and kitsune stuff???? bkg and kiri being badasses??? bkg wanting the best for kiri and angrily supporting him??? this was the first time i kept up to date with a fic when it was still updating and commenting every chapte,r i was so hooked. and ALSO like the authors have written SO MUCH more longfics like this like they have NOVELS and i REALLY rec you check them out like....bro idk how they do they have so much out already and i think and they're updating two more rn and i'm. their bitch tbh
Burden of Proof - kytrin, Mslead - 153k - explicit
OK ONE MORE REC FOR THESE AUTHORS. burden of proof is so. so fcukign good. i have adhd and these guys have never one lost me even tho their fics are upwards of 60k. this fic has dragons, it has plot, it has growth and healing and found families and i WISH i could write sth this intricate.
Burger Kings - plantegg - 5k - teen
stupid teenage boys being stupid. kiri blackmails bkg into going on a date asjdfhkdsjfakd
Worth a Thousand Words - awareoftheconcept - 43k - teen
SDKJFHASKH THIS IS A GUILTY PLEASURE OF MINE I KNOW THE LACK OF COMMUNICATION TROPE IS OVERUSED BUT I CAN'T HELP FALL FOR ANGSTY KIRI AND OMG THE CONFRONTATION SCENE AT THE END IS SO. SO. SO MOVIE-ESQUE I HATE HOW LAME I AM. basically everyone thinks bkg is dating camie asdkjfhskd
Day 6: Fandom - PullingAllMighters, SweetBrew - 9k - mature
bkg and kiri don't know each other until they're pro heros and only bc they start a competition to see who's better and they go to each other's signings undercover and develop crushes on each other and deku is an enABLER ASHAHAJFS
Scales Ain't The Same As Feathers - Julietwasanidiot - 2k - gen
GOD THIS IS SO CUTE BABY BKG "FINDERS KEEPERS" A BABY DRAGON KIRI SKDHFHD but he thinks kiri is a chicken
Charades - orphan_account - 4k - teen
this is just soft....game night....at one point bkg acts out a really romantic word for charades and he's EMBARRASSED SDJFHA. also kiri falls asleep on him and there's some hair stroking....soft...
Cranky-rishima - PurplePersnickety - 29k - teen
kirishima is the one with nightmares in this one and he gets CRANKY and BKG has to be the one to reach out and i thought that was such a fresh reversal loved it
No Secrets to Success - kingdoms - 7k - teen
THIS IS MY FAV!! MY ABSOLUTE FAV JUST BC I LOVE IT WHEN FICS MAKE PEOPLE GAPE IN AWE FROM HOW SOFT BKG IS WITH KIRI. also krbk forming their relationship outside of school in this au was so??? sweet??? it's just them hanging out together. ALSO KIRI IS SO GOOD AT POKING BKG'S BUTTONS ASJDFHASK
Built to Fall - bigstupidjellyfish - 68k - explicit
pro heros fic. they had a bad breakup in third year and oh god the angst is QUALITY. DW THEY TOTALLY MAKE UP AND IT'S SO FCKN WORTH IT. bkg also got therapy so he’s a little more stable as an adult lol
A Name That You'll Remember - heronfem - 33k - mature
bkg is a fail!villain. he fell in with the wrong crowd when he was younger. he doesn't actually do anything wrong. in fact, all of his 'crimes' are generally stopped by kiri and somehow all end up exposing corruption anyway, so he's actually helping. kids love bkg. he always makes sure they're safe before he robs a jewelry store or sth. somehow kiri ends up flirting with him in all their fights and bkg has no idea what to make of him. the public can't get enough of them
strawberry mango sweet - redriotinggg - 9k - teen
it's just a really sweet smoothie shop au!!! it's good reliable fluff!! what else can you ask for!!
cultivating something so divine - redriotinggg - 10k - teen
redriotinggg yet again, i love this au, it's vet!au and kiri is so good at loving animals that bkg hires him and they fall in love and it's also got some competency porn, as in krbk are hella good at their job like power couple ayy
Tension Reduction - acernor - 10k - explicit
Kirishima is a massage therapist and Bakugo needs help relaxing.
Mistletoe? Mistletoe. - Tearsaresalty - 2k - teen
class 1a keeps making bkg kiss kiri and neither of them really mind wow i wonder why 🙄
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Smallville chronicles part 62 (Chloe's chronicles pun very much intended. But no I've never seen them) warning, there's a lot going on. Fortune. You get me. Carry on
Oh boy its lionel
"Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated" LIONEL YOU LITERALLY DIED 3 YEARS AGO YOU WERE SHOVED OFF A ROOF YOU FOOL
"What. No hug for your long lost daddy" I'll give E2 Lionel one thing. He amuses
The way Chloe is just laying on top of, admiring Oliver as he sleeps. I used to not like her all that much (way back in like season 1 and 2) now I want what she's got
Did I really just say that? Oh boy I've officially lost it
Also love that they've set up their bed in the middle of watchtower
Wait so uh, watchtower was bought by Jimmy. Lol this isn't weird at all
I'm going to stop because you know. I'm insane
I could take quotes from this Chloe Ollie bed scene but I'd be quoting the entire damn thing so I'll just leave it
Go mama K!!
Mama K??
Martha really just ripped off her sling
Chloe considers Martha as her mom!!
Oliver's non green arrow undercover outfit
Lois trying to make sure her muffins get noticed
"Lois. Don't worry. I've been impressed with you for years"
"That is so low rent and so rebel"
"Well what father doesnt want to make his son happy" he says after Lex tells him killing him was the greatest moment of his life
Chloe's outfit 😂
"That explains the smell of old spice and young ambition"
"I just need you to hack into a couple national news websites" "how many?" "All of them"
"You're a convicted felon" oh but so are you Lionel
"Well snow dad's been a little frosty lately right? Maybe we should figure out a different way to get that genie back in the bottle"
Mama K defending her son!!
"How can you be so good Clark?"
The way Clark whipped Lionel across the ground after pulling him from the mansion
The Luthor mansion burning to the ground was not something I expected to see ever
Lois and Chloe taking their stand against the vra!!!
"You have no idea how much you mean to people Clark Kent" my heart!!
"I saw me, I mean Clark Kent, disguised with glasses and a bad haircut"
Mama bear Tess!
Ok well.... that's peachy
"Look Clark. I want to plan this wedding as much as I wanna jump off of a building"
"Please tell me you didn't hop across the pond for a gallon of milk" "what makes you think I'd be in England?" Clark you're standing on Big Ben
"That better be some damn good milk Smallville" "Smallville. I must be in trouble"
"I think Oliver Queen would be an absolute fool to let someone like you get away" there is not a single Chlollie scene I don't enjoy
"I feel like I can't believe you did this to my jacket" I mean yeah it's terrible but it's somehow better
"You are going global now, which is awesome quite frankly"
"Why don't I just save you the trouble and superspeed out all on my own, ok. Whoosh"
"A phone call from your wife, Mr Jones"
*trying to keep it together* "hello dear"
"It's an adrenaline thing. See I'm little bit bigger than you"
Ok that whole Clark's telescopic visions with his eyes changing. Why are we just getting this now?
"You know, when I said I wanted to spoon earlier, this isn't really what I had in mind"
"This is definitely the most romantic of my recent kidnappings"
"Yeah he's right, we should probably introduce ourselves" *takes them all out**Chloe knocks dude out with a book*
That kiss after they kicked ass
"The last thing we want is a billionaire superhero ex fugitive kicking down the door of a sex club"
My ninja baby Oliver
"Don't leave goldilocks out in the cold"
"Should we just serve up charcoal too"
"It's my power I can call it whatever I want"
"Now stay put" "like hell" come on Clark you should've known there was no chance Ollie would
"You just have to act like you're re miserable" "that shouldn't be a problem"
"When they see this adorable blond, and you are, on this adorable blond's arm" I love Ollie calling himself an adorable blond. I mean, he's not wrong
NO OLLIE NOOOOO why did he have to get tagged
Ok I've arrived at what I've heard is one of the best eps of the series so I'm excited. But still scared for Ollie
I nearly pissed myself when Clark woke up with a lemur on him
He has a ring on 😂😂 Chloe?? I'm crying laughing already
*throws chip bag in closet for lemur*
What is Chloe's dress?
"Yeah well my memory etch a sketch is blank too"
Chloe just goes in public in this weird ass wedding dress
"Are those Emil's pants?"
"Holy matrimony that's my signature"
Clark runs into the wall
😂😂😂😂😂
"Well Emil always was an overachiever"
Emil and Tess duet 😂😂
"I'm looking for the girl I came in here with last night. She probably insulted you more than once"
"Clarkie, there's only one person I know that can make an armored car go adios in seconds" drunk Tess 😂
Oliver and Lois are just casually on a rail bed
Ollie's face hugging Lo 😂😂
His face when he comes to is even better
"Morning. Sorry" I'm still crying
Oliver's giggle when he sees his outfit
I may not get through anymore eps tonight because I'm taking 20 minutes per scene here
"Clark you're beeping"
The truck is in the barn 😂😂😂
"I hate to break it to you but the last thing I want to go around with for the rest of my life is a lie propagated by my ex boyfriend" "oh"
"There's something stuck in my bra" "that's not my territory anymore"
"I can't believe in my first drunken night out I lose Lois, commit a felony, and I land my friend in jail. I'm so reckless"
Why is Chloe still in that dress?
"My lucky lemur"
Huge siren flashbacks with Lois and Ollie tied up
"One, two, shuffle"
"I didn't exactly bring my green arrow gear to the bachelor party"
"Lois? Oliver?" The dance scene 😂😂
The casino fight this is beautiful
"The only one getting luckier tonight is yours truly" *knocks him out* who needs green arrow when you have plain old Oliver Queen
I just noticed Ollie lost the bra
"Way to go all in gorgeous" "back at ya hot stuff" I love Chlollie
"I found it in a puddle of champagne in the limo"
THE VIDEO 😂😂😂😂 I'm not going to bother quoting the whole thing
"A monkey?!" Chlo it's a lemur
"I hope you weren't gonna run off without your husband"
Now I have to endure some Ollie free eps and that's sad but here goes
"Tess. You didn't have to come all the way out here. There's caffeine givers in metropolis"
"he's outside in the car"
They made a child with Lex AND Clark's dna? This can only go one way
"I'm saving him from an encore performance of daddy dearest"
"Your son is dead Lionel" have I ever mentioned I love Tess?
"Mutation's a bitch"
"Are you like my dad?" "I prefer brother"
"Are you trying to tell me that Conner is the genetic lovechild of Clark Kent and Lex Luthor?" I hate that I laughed at that sentence
"But how is Lex able to shake up a human krypto cocktail without you realizing it?"
"Hold on chicken little"
Lois is pretty. That is all
Clark just standing there in a burnt shirt
It's like Kara all over again
"I was just stopping by to see how things are going but it looks like I should've brought marshmallows"
Well oops the child found out
Just when I was starting to like this kid
Oh good lord the kid is on red k this'll be fun
"Believe me I'll trade a little motion sickness for a bullet in the bonnet any day"
Lol Connor ok. This kid just grabbed a jacket and a necklace for Lois for
*Lois tosses stolen necklace back to police* "sorry"
"You destroyed Lex with your secrets and lies" Bull. Shit.
That fur coat is a look Lo
"I'll speed you away to Paris"
"It may bring out his inner angst a little but it doesn't turn him into this"
Clark busting the ring
Damnit Lionel
How does everyone but Clark bust kryptonite with their heat vision
Ok I did not miss the classical music in every Lionel scene
"You'll always be a Luthor" oh but she won't
"I hope it's not too presumptuous but I figured you needed a last name"
"I'm sure that when we have kids of our own, you will be an amazing father" damn right he will
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I was tagged by @lannister-slings-and-arrows to share five things about myself so we can get to know each other:
1. I would rather shop for new notebooks than new clothes.. well, except maybe chucks. I would never turn down the chance to get a new pair.
2. I am a textbook INFJ personality. The rarest type. I am not one to label myself or anyone else, and for the longest time, I refused to fit myself into a box, and the truth is, I often feel like the unicorn in the room. I am very private, I would much rather talk about your stuff than mine. But if I trust you I am extremely expressive and sentimental. I’m highly capable of offering understanding and compassion but the downside is that I pick up and absorb everyone’s emotions. I think I’ve developed this coping mechanism where a lot of times I get lost inside my own head. Sometimes so much that I cannot even see things, people, right in front of me. I will literally walk right past someone I know without seeing them or saying hello. I’m not ignoring them on purpose I just didn’t notice them because there was TOO muCh going on and I had to tune everything out LOL!! I hate last-minute plans and people who show up at my door unexpectedly. I feel drained when I’m around my sister and my parents for too long and I need a lot of time to recover after spending time with them. And that tells you everything you need to know about who my family are. Lol Basically, i am a delight.
3. I am highly perceptive and I have crazy sharp intuition. This does not mean that I know everything. And It does not mean that I am never wrong. But my instincts about people and situations are usually spot on. It used to freak my husband out for the first little while that we were together but now he always asks for my read on things and people.
4. I love the beach and one day I will live near the ocean.
5. I love music. Freddie Mercury singing Who Wants To Live Forever will make me tear up. Every. Time. And I love all kinds of movies, except maybe horror... I especially love Sci-Fi!! Return of the Jedi is my chicken soup movie. The movie I pick first when I’m sick, that or The Princess Bride. I love Sci-Fi tv too, Doctor Who, Star Trek, Stranger Things, too many shows not enough time. My youngest has been after me to watch THE 100 with her. Has anyone seen it? Is it good!
tagging a few of you who are infinitely cooler than me: @tastedheart @devilsblackflame@youhavereachedtheendofpie @just-add-butter @rise-my-angel @allez-argeiphontes @bucky-is-my-precious and if anyone else would like to play along, please tag me so i can see it.
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A Rip in Time
A Yuri On Ice Star Trek Inspired AU by @missmarquin and @theangryuniverse.
Read on A03!
Prologue
There is a lot resting on my shoulders, here.
He could feel it, the weight of his father’s expectations. He had joined Starfleet to get away from his strict and traditional family, but what a stupid idea that had been. Admiral Nikiforov was one of the most renowned Commanders in the history of the organization, and the moment that his own name had been uttered on the roll call lists, all eyes had turned his way.
That was the moment that Victor had decided to show off, rather than coast through the Academy on a low radar. Brilliant, flamboyant, and incredibly gay, he let his talents speak for themselves. He graduated a year early, with grades that were far above par. He was a prodigy when it came to military tactics and planetary navigation, and several of his maneuvers already graced the pages of textbooks.
But it hadn’t been enough. His first assignment had been on his father’s ship, but the man had been so embarrassed by having a gay son, that he had requested Victor to be immediately transferred. Despite happening nearly eight years prior, it still stung.
And now, there he stood on deck three of the Beta Centauri Space Station. Staring out of the forcefield, towards the port where the USS Agape was currently docked. Crewman in spacesuits walked along the hull, making their last minute inspections before it set off. The ship was a prototype model, brand new and sleek, and never-been-flown.
And she was his. Victor had been gifted this amazing Command, marking his place in history as the youngest Starfleet Captain ever, at the age of twenty-seven.
“Did he bother to show up?” he asked, but the moment the question left his mouth, he already knew the answer. Eight years was a long time, but not long enough for a bitter old man to realize that his son wouldn’t ever bring home a girl.
“I sent the invite, as you asked,” another man responded, following it up with a sigh. Victor turned to look at Admiral Yakov Feltsman, his lips twisting into a knowing small, knowing smile.
“I didn’t expect much, honestly,” he replied. “Even making history isn’t good enough for that old fool.”
“Fool indeed,” Feltsman said, “but still technically a superior officer.” He didn’t really mean anything by it though, and Victor laughed.
“I think I get a pass this time, being his son and all.”
“He’d court martial you on the spot, if he heard such informality.”
“He’d court martial me for plenty of other things too, if he could have his way.” Silence stretched between them, and it didn’t take a genius to know exactly what Victor meant. Finally, he back back to look at the ship, and said, “I know that I deserve this. I don’t have to sit here and wonder, ‘Why me’. But I can’t help but wonder-- will I do her justice? Will I do my crew justice?”
The Admiral reached out, pressing a hand against his shoulder. “That’s a question that every Captain asks, and it’s not just the first time. Every Mission brings such a question, and it never gets easier.”
At that, Victor frowned. “If you’re trying to give me a pep talk, it isn’t working.”
“I’m not done,” Feltsman continued with. “It’s a good thing. Imagine if it did get easier? Captains would get sloppy, and when Command is sloppy, people die. It is a good thing to be confident, but it is more important to question yourself. It keeps you in check, and it keeps your crew safe.”
Victor had served on plenty of ships, and he had saved plenty of lives. But never before, had he been responsible for them. But he was the most confident person he knew, and despite his momentary apprehension, he would remain that way.
“There’s nothing to worry about,” he said, reaching over to return the shoulder grasp, trying not to think of things that had happened before. There was nothing good about getting lost in his past. “We’re not going to war, or anything,” he finally finished with.
“That’s more your father’s style,” the Admiral said with a smirk.
Victor smirked back. “Now who’s breaking protocol, with all that informality?”
Feltsman just threw his head back, and laughed in response.
…..
How the fuck did I get here?
The question had been his constant mantra for the last four hours.
Initially, it had been what the fuck am I doing, as he stepped onto the small transport ship. Looking back at his mother, who should have been the concerned one. But she had looked excited for him instead, leaving him feeling like he was going to hurl.
Yuuri Katsuki didn’t do space.
He had graduated the Academy with flying colors, and he could crack complicated alien languages with little more than a few lines of dialogue and a decent set of headphones, but intergalactic space travel?
Absolutely the fuck not.
He was actually impressed with himself, now that he thought about it. He had only wanted hurl, the entire trip to the Space Station, but he hadn’t.
Yet. There was still plenty of time, and despite Beta Centauri being stationary, despite his feet firmly on the deck floor, and the gravitational control systems working to a perfect tee--
There was just so much that could go wrong. Space was dangerous. It was dangerous, deadly and worst of all, permanent. If you died in space, you stayed in space, where there was nothing else. And that freaked him out the most.
He had wanted a post on Earth, preferably. In the end, he would have taken any planet, really. He wanted his feet firmly on the ground, where you could stand nice and solid, and you couldn’t get blown out of the sky, careening to your death, or suffocating in space, or--
There he went again, thinking of the worst of things. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to settle himself.
Why the fuck am I here?
A slightly different question, with a slightly different answer. He had been posted to the USS Agape, and for whatever reason he had agreed. Clearly, he was sick.
Or insane.
And still not entirely convinced that he had made the right choice.
Someone stepped right next to him, dropping their bag onto the metal grate of the floor. “Seriously, what a beautiful ship, and she’s all ours!”
Yuuri winced slightly. There was literally nothing beautiful about that death trap sitting out there, and the idea of spending the next few years on there was slowly looking less and less appealing, and he--
He paused, taking a deep breath again. “Nishigori-san,” he said politely, as he turned to look at her. “I would appreciate it, if you wouldn’t remind me about my grave mistake of taking this assignment.”
Yuuko blinked back at him innocently, but he knew better. Finally, her lips curved into a smile. “At least you aren’t alone, you know. At least you have your best friend here.”
Best friend was pushing it, but he was incredibly fond of the woman, and her stupid husband. He had always been a bit of an outcast and a weird kid, and at the academy, they had looked right past that.
They also spoke Japanese, which was an instant comfort.
“It’ll be fine, Yuuri,” she said, opting to drop formality. She had always been casual around him, and he had always struggled with following suit. “I mean, you heard about who our Captain is, right?”
No, he hadn’t, and he told her as such. She looked at him dumbfounded. “I didn’t really read the brief,” he admitted. “I thought that if I did, I’d chicken out and well…” He cast a wary glance back towards the ship.
“You know, I’m honestly surprised that you haven’t passed out.” He was too, but he didn’t waste his time telling her that. She opened her mouth to continue. “Anyhow, we’re under the command of the illustrious Captain Victor Nikiforov. I could just about die, I do believe.”
That made Yuuri come to a full-stop. “Isn’t he the one that destroyed half a ship, with some crazy maneuver?”
Yuuko nodded enthusiastically. “He managed to survive on limited life support, while it took the fleet over two days to find him. Kind of amazing, yeah?”
“And isn’t he the one that the Riki Tiki Niki is named after?”
“I mean, it might be a ridiculous tactic, but it works. Apparently.”
Yuuri just stared at her, like she had lost her mind. It worked, sure, but only if you had a death wish, and didn’t mind being catapulted into dead space if it didn’t. Victor Nikiforov was famous for a million things, not limited to being insane.
“I’ve made a mistake,” he said, breathing faster. “This was a mistake, I can’t… Nishigori-san, I can’t do this--”
He felt two hands press against his shoulders, turning him to face her. “If you say what I think you’re going to say, I won’t hesitate to slap you. Seriously Yuuri, you haven’t worked your ass off to get anywhere but here.”
“Why couldn’t I have been stationed on a planetary outpost? That would be nice, and most of all safe.”
“And useless. Yuuri, this is an exploratory mission. A Xenolinguist of your caliber is necessary.”
“There are plenty of others to choose from,” he said, his throat feeling dry. But she shot him an unconvinced look. “Right?”
“Like I said, Yuuri,” she said, slinging her arm around his shoulder, and motioning to the ship. “You won’t be alone. Takeshi and I will be here with you, every step of the way.”
“More like making sure that I step onto that damn ship,” he muttered.
“Damn right.”
Yuuri sighed and pulled away from her, before leaning over and picking up Yuuko’s bag, and handing it to her. “Then let’s go, before I actually change my mind.”
I’m crazy, he thought, as they left the corner and headed towards the gate. I’m absolutely, fucking crazy, and I will regret this the rest of his life.
Yuuri decided that he could live with the regret.
He just had to survive space first.
…..
I’m tired of all these fucking ships. I’m tired of rules, and captains, and missions that I won’t ever finish.
Six ships. That’s how many ships Yuri Plisetsky had served on, within the span of a year. And he was tired of being kicked off of one, and immediately thrown onto another. The USS Agape would be no exception, he was sure.
He couldn’t help that authority pissed him off. It wasn’t his fault that Starfleet Captains were rigid, unfunny jerks, who couldn’t take a fucking joke. Or you know, something as simple as a suggestion.
Then again, his idea of a suggestion, usually consisted of blowing off an order entirely in favor of a different direction. Sometimes, those directions worked.
But most of the time, he was just some punk who couldn’t keep his mouth shut.
This ship was different than the last, smaller and sleeker in design. And brand-spanking new, from what he had heard, not even broken-in. Different, than his usual assignment. When Starfleet had realized that he had no intention on listening to authority, they had started stationing him on clunkers. Part of him wondered if they were just sick of him.
It wouldn’t be the first time.
He frowned, as distant memories of a mother who didn’t give a shit surfaced, before swapping to a much preferable one of his grandfather. He had told his mother he wanted to soar through the skies, and she had laughed, saying that the idea was ridiculous. Which was ironic, coming from a dancer that was way past her prime. But then he mentioned it to his grandfather Nikolai, who had only ruffled his hair and told him that he would need better grades for that.
Guess which parent he had listened too?
But it hadn’t been easy. Starfleet Academy was built upon rule after rule, classes and grades, and an overall sense of superiority that had pissed him the fuck off for years. The moment he had turned eighteen, had been the best moment of his life.
And then his first position had been a miserable disaster. And then the next… and the next… and the--
This would be the seventh time, he would try to do this whole thing called responsibility, and quite frankly, he wasn’t looking forward to it.
Suddenly, the bag hanging on his shoulder felt heavy, and not because of his belongings within it.
“They said that he asked for you personally,” Kenjirou Minami said from next to him. They weren’t friends, and they barely knew each other, but Yuri recognized his face well enough to remember having classes with him at the academy.
“Who?”
Kenjirou blinked, like he was surprised that he had offered to grace him with words. Yuri reminded himself to make these the last words that he ever said to the man. “Captain Nikiforov, of course.”
It was Yuri’s turn to pause and think. Finally, he blurted, “Why the fuck would he do that?”
The other man shrugged. “Not a clue,” he said, before turning and heading towards the gate.
Yuri hated the way that he followed after him, like a pet cat.
….
I super didn’t design this engine to actually be built.
Really, Otabek Altin hadn’t.
It had started out with mindless tinkering about with temporal mathematics, which had led to theories. He loved theories, and he just had to write them down, and so he did like always. It looked like gibberish to just about anyone except him, and there was literally no credibility to it, aside from the fact that Otabek was a literal genius when it came to these kinds of things.
But then his sister had found the stupid doodle he had made, covered in tons of equations, and she just had the brilliant idea to turn it into Starfleet.
And they had just had the brilliant idea to think that it actually might just work.
Sure, he liked to build engines. He liked the way that tools felt in his hands, and the way that oil and grease stuck to his skin. It was therapeutic, pulling things apart and putting them back together, in the warm heat of the engine room.
He hadn’t meant to design such a thing, and he certainly hadn’t ever planned to build it.
Otabek had met with Starfleet though, despite being a lowly engineer that only fixed warp drives. They had decided to task him with building this ridiculous engine that he had theorized, offering him as many grants and personnel that it would take.
Three years later, and it worked.
Well, at least it had in tests. Moving an entire ship was another matter, and while they had run test drives for months, throwing an entire crew aboard and calling it a mission was something else entirely. And he wasn’t sure that he wanted that responsibility.
He didn’t do people really, he only got along with engines and his sister Maya-- and that was only because they were twins. He had never liked serving on starships, and after having a team of scientists and engineers forced to work with him for several years straight…
Well, he wanted some alone time. And it didn’t look like he was going to get any.
He had to admit though, the USS Agape was just as impressive looking, as the first time he had seen her, for her initial testing.
Maya leaned against him, waiting a long moment before saying, “You know, if you think any harder, you just might break your face.” He didn’t warrant that with a response, prompting her to frown slightly. “Really, what’s going on in that head of yours?”
“The first time we took this engine on a test run, the Temporal Warp Drive blew out half of the ship’s hull.”
He eyebrows rose high and she let out a low whistle. “You told me that the first test hadn’t gone well, but damn Beka.”
“The second time we tested it, the engine imploded instead, throwing half of the ship into a space-time rift that had been ripped into the atmosphere. It took nearly three days to close it, and make sure nothing was damaged beyond repair.”
“And…?”
“The USS Eros was immediately decommissioned, and this one was built.”
Maya hummed lightly at that. “You’ve never been a worry-wart, Beka,” she chastised.
“Even if the Agape has been through extensive testing, that was with a skeleton crew. This time around there’s not ten people, there’s a hundred.” He pointed to her. “Even civilians.”
“And think of the future, when this engine works out perfectly. You’ll have literally changed space travel!”
“If, not when.”
“No,” Maya hissed, “when.” She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him shrewdly. “This isn’t about the ship at all, is it?”
“I want to go home, and I want to work on my bike.”
“Why work on a bike, when you could change history?”
Otabek to sighed, before looking at her. “I never wanted to change history, Maya. You made that decision for me.” When she had turned over his work to his commanding officer.
She leaned forward and patted his chest. “Which is why I’m here,” she said sweetly. “I take responsibility for my actions.”
“You’ve always wanted to own a lounge aboard a starship. This isn’t a punishment for you, it’s your damn dream. What was it you used to say? All Starfleet and no play, makes Maya very bored?”
She pulled back with a grunt. “Not everyone is an anti-social technophile of a hermit, who would rather grease up an engine, instead of a woman, if you know what I mean.”
“Maya--”
“You know Beka, I was only thinking of you. I was tired of seeing you mope around your garage--”
“I don’t mope--”
“--covered in who knows what. You’re an engineering genius, made top marks at Starfleet and could have your pick of a Command, and what do you do? You tinker with engines all day in a dirty jumpsuit, and you let that rank go to waste. You’re worth so much more, Beka.”
Otabek sighed. “It’s not about worth, Maya. I like fixing engines. I like working alone. I prefer it.”
Maya only shook her head, tutting at him. “What a waste,” she said with humor. And then she left him, heading for the gate. Otabek sighed again, this time dragging his hand down his face.
New goal-- get to the ship, find the engine room, never leave.
When put that way, it didn’t sound so bad.
#Yurionice#Yuri on ice#Fanfiction#Yuri On Ice Fanfiction#victor nikiforov#yuuri katsuki#otabek altin#Yuri Plisetsky#Star Trek AU#gays in space#victor x yuuri#Otayuri
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Making Fun a Priority VII
This is my first submission for @flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash ’s ‘Ash’s Birthday Negan Challenge’. I’ve waited to post it today, because it’s my birthday, and the next one will be posted on Ash’s birthday :):)
The prompt I picked for this one is Glitter!!
Masterlist
Summary: After accepting Negan’s proposal, Brandi is now tasked with figuring out how to deal with her new life and all the changes and challenges that will comes with it.
Warnings: Explicit language, smut, and a little bit of angst.
Bamby
After agreeing to marry Negan I was expecting things to change… but I hadn't expected it to be like this.
I was currently standing in the middle of a lounge area, surrounded by nearly a dozen women. All morning I'd been bombarded with information and little tips. Workers and wives were busy dressing, preparing, and filling me with all the knowledge they knew.
Yesterday was when Negan had made the announcement to the whole of the Sanctuary. It was then that he informed everyone that he had a new wife. It was then that he confirmed my new status. It was then that he declared I would no longer be working. It was then that my life changed completely.
As much as I felt for Negan, and understood what being his wife would mean, I had requested not to be present during his speech. Most of the community knew who I was, they knew me as the kind quiet girl who did the laundry. No one ever had a problem with me. But I was sure my new life would change people's view and opinion of me. I didn't want to be there to see the moment people no longer liked me…
Yes. I was having reservations.
No. It had nothing to do with Negan.
He was great. Since agreeing to be with him three days ago, he'd been nothing but supportive, grateful and understanding. Every day and night, he'd been there for me. Walking me to my room after dinner, walking me to work in the morning. He was always making sure I felt comfortable and was sure with my decision.
I was surprised when he suggested we not sleep together until everything was set in place and I was settled in. After the last time we were together I kind of thought things would blow up like crazy after that… but other than a few kisses, things had been pretty innocent.
Another thing that surprised me was how friendly his wives were being. Part of me had been in denial, I thought for sure they'd resent me, but yet here they were, being so helpful. It was as if they were… pleased? Relieved? Grateful?
Despite how nice they were being, the wives were just one of the reasons I was having reservations. Seeing them so glad I was around made me think this thing with Negan, this honeymoon stage, was going to end and leave me as miserable as they were.
Then there was everyone else. Everyone out of my marriage and the surrounding women. The workers and Saviours. My friends and family. My image never really meant much to me until the moment my image was tied to my safety.
What if someone hates my decision so much, and hates Negan even more… what if they try to hurt him by hurting me?
Then there was the pressure of being something I wasn't sure I could be. How long was it going to take before I was no longer interesting to him? How long was it going to take before I tired of sharing him?
Negan assured me I would never be replaced… but I just couldn't believe it.
Right now, I was standing in a room with about twelve other women and six of them were already married to Negan. That meant, at some point, each and every one of them got boring. If I were to go on Negan's history and the facts, my time would eventually come to an end.
"Here, sweetie. Wear this."
A dress was suddenly hanging in my face.
I couldn't remember the name of the woman handing it to me, all I knew was that she regularly tended to the demands and needs of the wives. There was a team of women who cleaned, cooked and cared for them… for us.
Shoving my train of thought over to the side, I took in the dress before me.
Honestly, it was beautiful. Black, all glitter and sparkles, short, caped sleeves, and a cut-out at the back. Modest, sweet, but subtle sexy all at the same time. There was nothing wrong with it… yet there was.
It just wasn't me.
Just as suddenly as the dress appeared it was gone. Then I was grabbed and pulled down to a sit on a chair close by before hands grabbed and worked on everything that was me.
Women were brushing my hair, pulling and teasing it. I had hands at my face, covering me in makeup. Others were close by, going through more clothes, arranging my new wardrobe.
"Now, remember, image is everything," one woman said for the millionth time that day.
"Always smile in Negan's presence."
"Stay out of the workers' area."
"Speak when you're spoken to."
"Don't cheat on Negan."
"Try not to talk to any man, just to be safe."
"Don't be afraid to ask for anything."
"But don't get too greedy."
"There's no need to get jealous if Negan pays the other wives attention."
"He will go back to you eventually."
"Be grateful when he does come to you."
"Definitely don't be greedy in the bedroom."
"Always try to look good for him."
"Don't try. Just do."
"Oh, and no going in Negan's room."
"No going in Negan's room," they all repeated in unison.
I sat there, taking it all in, finding my already confused and dazed mind getting dizzier and dizzier with each passing second. It was all just so much to take in, so much to remember, so much to do.
The longer I was surrounded by these women, the more I doubted my ability to actually go through with it all.
Tonight, was supposed to be the night. Tonight, was supposed to be the first night Negan and I would officially be married. It was supposed to be the first night we would be together since that night I decided to sign the life I knew away…
I stood in my new room, taking it all in as I waited for someone else to fetch me, or for my new husband to come find me.
The room was… nice?
Really, it was. It was lovely, luxurious, fancy, girly, amazing, beautiful. Dim lighting, a large four poster bed, a couch, cream walls, dark floor boards, a fluffy white rug, dozens of cushions, candles, an antique dresser, a matching vanity. Everything was soft and delicate and feminine… and not me.
After spending all day being bombarded with facts, and getting made-over like a doll, I was tired. I was mentally, emotionally and physically drained.
Sure, I looked nice. The dress hugged my curves perfectly. My hair was curled and pulled back out of my face with half a dozen pins. My face was caked with makeup and glitter. Even the black glitter heels I'd been given to wear were amazing.
But it just wasn't me.
The first day being married to Negan and I was already regretting it. I already felt like I was losing myself. If I lost myself, would he even be interested? If I lost myself how much of me would he still like? How much of me would he still want? How much of my would he still be attracted to?
There was so much doubt going on in my mind I was getting dizzier and dizzier. I was feeling sick. I was literally feeling sick.
I hadn't felt this kind of pressure in years. When the world ended everything actually got better for me. I didn't have to deal with anymore of the crap I'd been dealing with my whole life. Now, none of this compared to that crap, but it was still messing with me.
The last thing I wanted was to ruin what I had with Negan, but if things didn't get better, if he didn't help clear the crap out and reassure me that I'd made the right decision, I was sure I wouldn't last longer than a month.
For a few hours, I'd paced and waited in my room. I wallowed, my mind wondering and wandering. But when no one came, when I was left alone for too long, I decided to venture out. I needed a change of scenery. I needed to get out of my room.
I'd been told to wait. I'd been told someone would come by to check on me. I'd been told some food would be delivered to my room. I'd been told to take the time to get settled in. I'd been told Negan would come by when he had the time.
No one ever came, my patience ran out, my mind was going crazy, so I took matters into my own hands.
My intention hadn't been to go to Negan's room. Honestly. All I'd wanted was to take a walk. I just wanted to stretch my legs and lay my eyes on something that wasn't covered in fluff or glitter. Yet, being so distracted as I walked about, I eventually found myself looking up at the door that led to Negan's bedroom.
Many questions ran through my head in the moment I realised where I was. I questioned whether or not I should know. Whether or not I should go in. Whether or not I should just turn around and go back to my room. But as I stood there, thinking it over, measuring the pros and cons, five words kept repeating in my head.
No going in Negan's room.
When I pushed everything aside and focused on that, I was able to make my mind up and build up enough courage to move forward. Why? Because hearing those women say those words with such certainty made me think they'd never stepped foot passed this door. Or, if they had, whatever they experienced in the room was nothing like I had experienced. That there was enough to make me think I really was different to the others.
Taking a deep breath, I lifted my hand and tapped on the wooden door with three hard knocks.
"Come in."
Without allowing myself a moment to chicken out, I did as the voice said, reached for the handle, turned it, opened the door, and stepped inside.
Keeping my back to him, I closed the door behind me, giving us some privacy while also giving myself one more second or so to collect my thoughts and control my emotions, before I turned to face him finally.
He was sitting on the single seater couch he'd been sitting on the other night. In fact, other than the fact it was day time, the picture before me was a lot like the one from the other night. Negan sitting there, nursing a drink while also doing some work.
Seeing him so relaxed, seeing him like this, I liked it. It eased my worried just a bit. It reminded me of a nicer time when things weren't so complicated. It gave me hope that after all this chaos there might be some normalcy…
I didn't speak. I found myself unable to find any words. The courage I'd mustered up on the other side of the door was well and truly gone. The instant I laid eyes on Negan, the worry disappeared. Instead, it was replaced with a new haze… a haze only he brought on… a haze I didn't hate.
Luckily, Negan was never really the silent type. He finished up whatever he was working on before lowering the pages and lifting his eyes.
When his gaze fell on me, he was taken aback. His eyes racked up my form, his lips curving up into a grin, his teeth pulling his bottom lip into their grip. I could practically hear his thoughts. Once his eyes locked onto mine, he uttered one word in a single breath.
"Fuck."
Suddenly, I was nervous. I looked to the ground and fiddled with my fingers as a blush crept onto my cheeks. Still, no words came.
His grin grew. "Speechless, sweetheart?" He leaned forward in his chair, eyes roaming over my body again. "So was I for a second. You look so fucking hot right now. If I'd known this is what'd been waiting for me, I would have left work for later." His tongue ran over his lips, his eyes darkening. "Speaking of your room… what made you leave it? Needed to come see me?"
At first, I thought I should just lie and say yes. Feed his already huge ego. But then I remembered that there really was a reason I left my room, and if I didn't say anything then nothing would get fixed. I came here for a reason, it was time to speak up.
"It's all a little overwhelming, actually." My voice was small, unsure, nervous. I really didn't want to upset him. But I needed to be heard. "Don't get me wrong, I love the room, and the clothes and the hair and the…" I gestured to my face and all the makeup, "but it's a bit much. I'm just not used to it. And… I'm worried."
"Worried?" he repeated, curious and a little concerned.
I quickly nodded, going on. "It's not about you. And it's not about anyone else. At least, not entirely. I mean, it's not their fault. There's nothing you can do, or they can do. It's all about me. And if I wasn't so worried I'd just ignore it and move on, but I don't want it to come between us, and I don't want to ruin anything, and I'm worried if I don't say something you'll realise something is wrong, and the it'll be too late, and I really would have ruined-"
"Brandi," he cut me off, his smile still in place- only now it was smaller and sweeter. "You're rambling."
My head fell once more as a sigh escaped my lips. "Sorry."
Chuckling, he pushed himself up to his feet. "Sweetheart, don't apologise. I think it's cute you're so worried you're getting all tongue tied." He walked towards me. "But I can't help if you don't tell me what's actually wrong."
I waited until he stood in front of me, both of us looking at each other's eyes, that line of respect in place, before I spoke up.
"I don't want to marry you and then become someone else. All these clothes. The makeup. The room. All the information. It's a lot to take in, and it's making me feel like in order for this to work, I have to be someone else. It's making me feel like what we had before was you having a little fun, and now everything had to be managed and controlled like the rest of our lives."
Still smiling, he shook his head at me lightly. "First of all, whatever you've been told by the other women… forget it. They don't know what we've done. You're different. You're the first woman I've brought in here. You're the first woman I've spent the entire night with. You're the first woman I didn't give up on after she said no. So their rules and your rules? Entirely different."
Gotta admit… that made me feel a little better.
"Secondly, if you don't want the dresses, the makeup, or even the room, you don't have to have all that. I want you to be comfortable. But, if I had it my way, you won't be in those clothes or in that room much anyway." His grin turned suggestive once more.
My blush returned as I chuckled a little.
"And lastly, there's nothing you could do that will make me want you less. I know who you are. I chose you because of who you are, not how you look or what you can give me. I like you Brandi. I like this thing between us. Just because you're my wife now, doesn't mean any of that has changed."
"Really?"
"Really." He nodded, his smile slipping ever so slightly. "I thought I'd already made that clear. What do I have to do to prove it to you?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "I just… I need to know this is different. We're different."
Looking down into my eyes, contemplating my words, I could see his mind ticking and thinking. I wasn't entirely sure what was going on up there, but the longer he stayed silent, the more his smile faded and the harder his eyes grew.
"You wanna know this is different?"
I gave a sharp and short nod. "Yes."
Reaching forward, he cupped my face and brought my face to his. Before I could register what was really happening, his lips were pressed against mine in a kiss so deep I felt it settle in my chest. My heart fluttered, my stomach flipped, my head spun and my core began to tingle in anticipation for more of his touch.
Then, he pulled away. One hand continued to cup my face, his thumb stroking my cheek, but the rest of him pulled back.
"Tonight, I'm running you a bath. We're going to have a drink, sit in the tub and talk. Or not, maybe we'll just sit. Whatever you want."
I raised an unsure brow at him. "You, in a bath?"
"Yes." He nodded as if that was obvious. "There's no fucking way I'm leaving you alone to clean all that glitter crap off your face. I'm gonna be there to help you get that shit off. Then, you're gonna get dressed in one of my shirts, I'm gonna get in some pants, and then we're gonna go to bed. No sex. Just sleep."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
I was understandably sceptical. I thought for sure he'd try something while we were naked in the bath, or maybe once we were under the covers. But, for the rest of the night, he made no move. Other than a few kisses, a nice foot rub, and some cuddling in bed, nothing happened… and as I fell asleep that night I finally believed this would work.
Bamby
If you would like to be tagged please send an ask, and tell me what tag-list you want to be added to, it’s just easier to organise this way :):)
Ash’s Tags:
@flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash @negans-network
Forever Tags:
@ask-kakashihatake @bunnymelodies @inumorph @kellyn1604 @multy-fandom-lover @red-rose-flora
TWD:
@jessiellong1987
MFaP:
@collette04
#ash’s birthday negan challenge#the walking dead#the walking dead fanfiction#the walking dead fic#walking dead#walking dead fanfiction#walking dead fic#twd#twd fanfiction#twd fic#negan#negan fanfiction#negan fic#negan x oc#negan thirst squad#negan thirst#negan's thirst squad#Making Fun a Priority
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the last six months: a summary
* received word that we were losing our apartment in the most roundabout and confusing way possible, by getting a lease six months short of a full year. At Christmas. Nobody wants to explain to us why. We have to track down our building manager and sit her down and ask what tf is up.
*Turns out we are losing the apartment TO HER. Because she is losing her place, and she is buddies with the landlord, so she talked the landlord into kicking us out and giving it to her. Now, we have lived in this apartment for 12 years and we thought we were friends with the landlord, so this was fairly shocking. Lesson #1 Kids: you are never friends with your landlord. Never. Anyway, I would have been inclined to feel bad for said manager, who is older and her husband is sick and they are clearly having financial issues, but she gave us such an “I don’t have to explain anything to you” attitude that I have permanently crossed her over to Fuck You Forever category. Also she refused to explain exactly when and exactly how all this was gonna go for another bunch of weeks, and also refused to refund us our security deposit and our last month’s rent, because it was ten years ago and we can’t prove we paid it. After, again, twelve years of being perfect tenants and taking great care of the place. Yeah, fuck you lady. Our finances are no picnic either and sadly we are NOT buddies with a landlord to hook us up, as the next six months proved.
*for this reason, we’re gonna neglect to mention that we have had bats in the house again. Yeah, she can figure that out AFTER she’s moved in. Have fun with that.
*Anyway, cue months and months of looking for a new place to live. Friends, Boston real estate is BRUTAL. There are twenty other people looking at any one place you mange to get in to see and they will snatch it out from under you before you’ve pulled back the shower curtain. Every place wants first, last, security, broker fees, key deposit, your firstborn son, etc. We are used to finding places to live on Craigslist by searching for roommates, this is what we always did in the past before I moved in with Mr. X when his roommate moved out. Looking for a place just for us two, no roommates, involves dealing directly with Real Estate agents, building management companies, and landlords. All of whom, Lesson #2, are not there to help you, each other, or anyone but themselves.
*Whenever we did find a place that was not an actual hole in the ground and put in an application, we would get stone cold turned down. My credit score is shitty, and Mr. X is a freelancer without a steady paycheck, so we might as well have had leprosy. This despite the fact that I actually fully paid off my entire student loan this year as well as ALL my credit card debt, so I actually owe nothing to anybody. We have fantastic references, great rental history, and steady income. Does anybody care? Nooooope. They see that number and our application goes in the trash. Not that anybody would tell us this, mind, without me repeatedly calling to ask if they’d called our references yet and if they needed a paycheck stub. They just stopped calling and wasted our time rather than just tell us we were out of the running. This happened over and over and over.
*Couple other Fun Things That Happened: The place with the american flags and the Mystery Landlord who lived on the third floor but nobody ever saw - we chickened out on applying to that one because it sounds blatantly like Jordan Peele’s next horror movie. There was the place that suddenly was no longer available once we had parked on the street in front of it and texted to let them know we were there. Did he look out the window and see an interracial couple and suddenly go Nope? We’ll never know, but we got enough Weird Vibes at places we looked at to have to wonder. There was a summer sublet that was lovely and belonged to a professor who would be sending the summer in France, and we were this close to signing it but put an application down on a 1yr lease instead, and by the time we got turned down for that we had lost the sublet too. There were more real estate agents than I ever want to see again in my life and a whooole lot of basement apartments with no windows that made me want to cry.
*We got down to one month before we lose our current place and had already had our application rejected multiple times. We looked at an apartment right on my birthday that was beautiful, just down the street (so still in our neighborhood), and right in our price range. Put in the app, talked to the landlord, had long conversations with the landlord, landlord called all our references who gave us glowing reviews, were discussing move-in dates, and then she ran my credit report. Literally asked me to explain individual items on my credit report to her satisfaction. Then wrote us an email (after all this talk on the phone) to say that the place was no longer available because someone decided not to move out.
*I lost my shit. I cried. I am not a crier. We talked about moving into separate apartments with roommates again. We talked about putting our stuff in storage and couch surfing. We talked about me going out to North Carolina to live with my parents and him moving in with a friend (this to me was NEVER an option, but it was raised). Then we buckled down and went back to work. Entire days surfing the 18 different apartment listing sites. Contacting real estate agents. Me pleading for help on Tumblr. Making appointments on the phone and checking them separately to cover more ground. Pretty much around the clock stress and work.
*Lesson #3: After all this, it became clear to me that anyplace I get to live with Mr. X is gonna be home. Everything else is bonus. So we were gonna make something work, no matter what.
*Two weeks before d-day we put out three more applications on places we could easily see ourselves living in. By then we’re so pummeled by the process that we were totally prepared to be rejected again, but wouldn’t it be funny if the one time we put in multiple applications several of them were accepted…?
*It was. It was funny. All three places wanted us. On one we got the hook-up from a real sweet twentysomething real estate agent in a managed building with a good commute, another we met the current tenants who were doing the searching for their landlord and hit it off, and the third we went out to see on a whim right after it was posted and it turned out to be gorgeous. So then we had to decide, in really short order, what to do. Still scared of losing all three of them and ending up with nothing, I had already put a deposit with the real estate agent on the managed building apartment. So if we didn’t take that one we would lose a month’s rent. But the last place, the afterthought place, really stuck in our minds, and in the end we ate the cost of the deposit and took that one.
*SO. Our new place. It is the best place we saw anywhere this whole time. The BIGGEST place we saw this whole time. 3+ bedrooms, y’all. A dining room. New kitchen. New bathroom. I am pinching myself. I was trying not to jump up and down while we were looking at it. Landlady was doing up the place herself, showed the place herself, lives in the building herself, was cool as shit. We got on that fast. Applied that night. She accepted, we’ve been over there, signed the lease, it’s all set.
*Two more things fell into place: we got an extra week at the old place, because building manager does not have her shit together to move in yet. They were actually hoping to get a whole other month’s rent from us, but happily, we are outta here on Saturday after pro-rating a week of rent. This allows our new landlady to finish painting the last room, and also we don’t have to move on the first of the month which is always madness.
*Last thing? Astonishingly enough, after preparing ourselves for six months for our rent to go up several hundred dollars a month and have to tighten our budget and give up things, and after getting rid of a significant proportion of our belongings because it looked like we would be living in a basement 1-bedroom for the forseeable future? And after Mr. X pretty much gave up on the idea of having a home studio for his freelance work? Our new apartment with room for an art studio is CHEAPER than what we pay now.
*Holy shit, right? Lesson #4: Sometimes a few ulcers later it all works out.
ps. THANK YOU to all my tumblr buddies who supported me during my crazy stress over all this, and particularly the people who offered direct help and advice. @undeniablyotiose @liaratsoniii @mcnamak, other people who I’m probably forgetting, people who sent videos and supportive messages, bless your souls, thank you for the help.
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92 Truths
Rules: Write 92 truths about yourself, then tag 25 people
Tagged by my cyclone - @redrackham87
LATEST…
[1] Drink: black currant fanta
[2] Telephone call: dani
[3] Text message: reagan
[4] Song you heard: “pieces” by andrew belle
[5] What do you think?: well my general opinion on life is that everyone tries too hard, but I’m sure that’s not what you meant
HAVE YOU EVER…
[6] How do you do it?: maybe it’s maybelline
[7] He has cheated on you: do you mean my celebrity crush? because yes, he’s gone out with other girls and not me
[8] He kissed someone and lamented: i’m sure, because he’s never actually spoken to me
[9] How do you do? f(reaked out) i(nsecure) n(eurotic) e(motional)
[10] Depressed: eh, it comes and goes
[11] Got drunk and thrown up: never been drunk
LIST THREE PREFERRED COLORS …
[12] bright blue
[13] black
[14] lavender
IN THE PAST YEAR…
[15] made new friends: yes, and they’ve really helped me. they made life more bearable and made me see i wasn’t entirely alone
[16] fallen in love: with the people here
[17] laughed until you cried: yep, quite frequently
[18] discovered that someone was talking about you: yes. i hear “mzungu” everywhere i go and it’s not fun
[19] met someone who changed you: the mother of four who was dying of aids yet still forgave her husband for leaving her with the kids when she was extremely sick. i’ll never forget that
[20] discovered who your real friends are: when you move halfway around the world and only 3 people semi keep in touch, yeah, you tend to realize
[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: lol, no
GENERAL…
[22] How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: ...all of them? if you mean do i still keep in touch or regularly see them, no. i don’t really even use fb anymore
[23] Do you have any pets? 16 chickens, 7 cows, 3 cats, 2 dogs, and a partridge in a pear tree
[24] Do you want to change your name: i always thought it’d be cool when i was younger, but then i wouldn’t be an abstract concept and it’s grown on me also i feel like everyone i know will continue to call me hope anyways, or like “that person formerly known as hope” so...
[25] What did you do for your last birthday? went to the nearest big town and had a small get together
[26] What time did you wake up? this section says “general”, so i’ll go with anywhere from 5:45 to 7:00 on any given day
[27] What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. i’ve been sleep deprived this whole week and i needed the rest
[28] Name something you can’t wait for: flying back home
[29] When was the last time you saw your mother? like 3 hours ago??
[30] What is one thing that you wish you could change in your life: sometimes i wish i didn’t care so much or overthink things. it’d make my life way less complicated. but then other days i’d just say my hair color, probably
[31] What are you listening to right now: the waves of lake victoria crashing against the beach outside my window. also some birds. natural nature sounds are the best
[32] Have you ever spoken to a person named Tom?: he is my grandfather and lives 100 feet away so yes.
[33] Something that is getting on your nerves: the fact that MY PHONE FREAKING STOPPED WORKING AND I HAVE 1 MONTH UNTIL I CAN GET A NEW ONE!!!
[34] Most visited website: ao3 tbh
[35] Elemental: earth
[36] High school: did you mean: homeschool
[37] School: of repressing my feelings and acting like everything’s fine
[38] Hair Color: i’m pretty sure the shade is called dirty blonde, but that’s because i haven’t been to a salon in 2 years. it’s literally the first thing to go when i get back. i need it darker
[39] Long or short hair: long and curly, which means it’s actually super long
[40] Do you have a crush on someone: who don’t i have a crush on is the correct question here. but they’re mainly celebrities or fictional characters
[41] What do you like about yourself: that i continue to try even when i’ve messed up before
[42] Piercings: one in each ear, but i want to get a second set
[43] Type of blood: a+
[44] Nicknames: anyango, nyakwar kadem
[45] Marital status: i’m a single pringle that’s ready to stay inside and binge watch on netflix
[46] Zodiac sign: aries
[47] Pronouns: she/her
[48] Fav television program: it’s cute you think there’s just one. anything marvel really. i like fantasy, sci-fi, crime shows, some superhero shows, comedy. there’s too many to name
[49] Tattoos: my dad would kill me no matter how old i was
[50] Right or left hand: i always wanted to be ambidextrous, but any 3 year old can write better than my left hand
FIRST…
[51] surgery: tubes in my ears when i was 3
[52] piercing: ears
[53] best friend: i think my first best friend was natalie
[54] sport: gymnastics when i was 3
[55] vacation: mexico, age 4
[56] pair of coaches: i’m guessing this is for sports again? i can’t remember their names, but there were these 2 super nice ladies teaching my gymnastics class
RIGHT NOW…
[57] eating: nutella out of the jar (don’t judge, we all do it)
[58] drinking: water
[59] I’m about to: start preparing for something i have to do tomorrow. as usual, i’ve procrastinated
[60] listening to: the waves still
[61] waiting: for my life to chill (wishful thinking, right)
[62] wanting: a veggie burger and coffee milkshake
[63] getting married: eventually
[64] career: doctor or author. can’t decide
WHICH IS BETTER…
[65] hugs or kisses: there’s no cure like a really good hug from the right person when you need it
[66] lips or eyes: both are just so expressive.
[67] shorter or taller: taller so he doesn’t lean on me
[68] major or minor: i don’t really get this, but i’m going to guess you mean music. as most songs are in major chords, that’s probably the majority of what i like
[69] romantic or spontaneous: imo, they’re the same thing
[70] good arms or good stomach: okay but here’s the thing, tom hiddleston
[71] sensitive or strong: yes
[72] connection or connection: are there words missing here?
[73] troublemaker or hesitant: neither
HAVE YOU EVER…
[74] kissed a stranger?: nope
[75] drank strong liquor?: no
[76] lost glasses / contact lenses? not yet
[77] rejected someone?: yes
[78] had sex on the first date?: i haven’t period
[79] broken someone’s heart?: i doubt it
[80] had you heart broken?: quite a bit, yes
[81] been arrested?: no
[82] cried when someone died?: yes
[83] fallen for a friend?: yes. do not recommend
DO YOU BELIEVE IN…
[84] yourself?: i can do a lot of things right and be happy with myself for a day, then do one thing wrong and ruminate over it for weeks. i do try to believe in myself. sometimes it’s just really hard
[85] miracles?: yes i believe in miracles. where you from, you sexy thang
[86] love at first sight?: yeah, just not for me. someone can look/seem nice and be really terrible. there are also crushes at first sight. but those never turn out the way you want them to
[87] father christmas?: i never actually believed in santa, even as a kid
[88] kissing on the first date?: depends on if i know them really well before. if not, no
[89] angels?: yes
OTHER…
[90] Name of the current best friend: luz, and i’m so excited to see her again soon
[91] Eye color: i joke that i have mood eyes, but it’s really true. some days they lean towards green or grey, but on most they’re a variant of blue
[92] Favorite movie: avengers (and anything marvel), penelope, rodger’s and hammerstein’s cinderella, jane eyre, star wars, clueless, the fault in our stars, in time, around the world in 80 days, (500) days of summer, etc. (this is not a “one movie to rule them all” type of situation here. you’ll never make me choose. NEVEEERRRRRRR)
dang, that was a lot. i really don’t know who to tag, so if you want to do it, go ahead.
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Hello, dolls!! Hello, AUGUST! I am welcoming another busy month. I thought June and July were crazy but seems like August is shaping up to be crazier. We are invited to 5 parties this month alone so I’ve been running around buying presents and outfits for my tiny tribe! (cause duh! being a guest at a party is an opportunity to dress up). On top of everything that I have planned for the next 30 days, I am really hoping that I can post a couple of entries to get my blog up to date.
Baby A is 2 years old now — like for real, where did time go? I am not going to lie, my husband has been thinking about baby # 2 a lot lately. I am starting to think if we are ready for it….if I AM ready for it. But hey! Let’s save it for another post 😛
One of the blessings that I am truly grateful for is having a safe and joyful pregnancy. I still get surprised whenever I think about my pregnancy with baby A and how I was able to carry it through with no complications considering my lifestyle 2 years ago — physical and mental stress enveloped my entire being. No pregnancy is easy, it’s not a walk in the park but if you ask me if I would do it again, I would say YES a thousand times plus more.
As soon as A and I found out we were having a boy, we knew how we wanted his nursery to look like. It’s really heartwarming to see my husband be excited and talk about all the things he loved growing up, one of which — PIRATES! My husband has books and lego sets of pirate ships. I did not believe it when my MIL told me, not until she brought at least 6 huge boxes filled with ships and trains!
Eat Right, Not Eat For Two
I think everyone knows that the first rule in having a healthy pregnancy is to eat RIGHT — but it doesn’t mean eat for two, literally. I can never forget my second appointment with my OB. We started talking about my lifestyle — specifically my job since I wrote on the form I am a Chef. I am expected to lift 30-50lbs of stuff at a time and be on my feet for at least 8 hours, she told me some tips and to remind myself that I can always ask for help cause my bump comes first.
The one thing I can never forget is how she reminded me to never be the kind of woman who literally eats for two because I know I am carrying another human being in my belly. The baby is small that it only takes a certain amount of nutrients from the food that I eat — not the entirety of it. I think this helped me watch what I eat more and not put a lot of weight which definitely helped me during my last trimester.
Sesame Balls, Siomai, Steamed Spareribs, Siopao
Chicken Feet
I am not here to share some healthy recipes for pregnancy. Every woman is different….but let’s be honest, cravings are real during pregnancy.
Shrimp in Rice Noodles
We went to this dim sum place 15 minutes away from my house every weekend because it’s all I wanted to eat.
Har Gaw
I craved for comfort food during my pregnancy– dishes that I grew up eating. Which was really challenging because we only have 2 Filipino restaurants in Baltimore and I really did not have the urge to cook at home after spending 12-14 hours in the kitchen working.
Congee
Pork Asado Siopao
I think I was pretty good when it came to eating right and not overdoing the whole “I-am-pregnant-I-want-to-eat-everything” part of the journey. In fact, I hated how picky I got for 9 months! I couldn’t stand the smell or taste of garlic so it was hard for me to decide what I want to eat I almost felt like a was ready to pull all his hair out!
I honestly did not buy any books about pregnancy so most of my questions were answered by my Doctors, family, and friends who have kids — also Pinterest and common sense! 😛
Here are the top 3 foods I avoided while I was pregnant:
Alcohol and Caffeine – Though both of these were not really part of my lifestyle, I still made it on top of my list. Studies have proven that 1 glass a day won’t hurt your baby but I did not want to take that risk.
Raw Food – This was pretty hard for me. I LOVE oysters and steak/tuna tartare and since I work at an oyster restaurant, I was always tempted to eat a dozen!
High Mercury Fish – Again, this was challenging since I was around fresh seafood all day! Fish is also a big part of my diet pre-pregnancy so it was hard to cut it off right away.
Enjoy The Journey
…and the perks! One of the things that helped me de-stress while pregnant? Baby freebies from different companies and lots of love from family & friends.
Let’s be honest, having a baby is not CHEAP! You may have billions in your bank account and you will still feel the impact of having a baby financially. Before baby A was born, I told myself that I will try not to overspend and be wise on e v e r y t h i n g. It was challenging to do that because everything seemed unpredictable when he was born — will I be able to nurse him for 3 months and save money on formula? will we get away with only a case of diapers this week? can I make sure he won’t get sick next month so we do not have to spend on medical bills?
I honestly thought that getting freebies from companies were fake. I would always see posts on Pinterest and just ignore them. Not until I signed up for a Gerber account and they sent me 3 cans of formula. I got addicted and started researching, needless to say I got addicted! lol
I also appreciate family and friends from miles away who sent baby A presents! That made me feel that it wasn’t just A and I in that journey, there were many around us who are just as excited to meet our baby boy.
I wasn’t able to take a lot of pictures of my bump because I was just too busy with work, moving into our new home, and duh…pregnancy! I did not have a maternity shoot because I couldn’t find the time to do it, and truthfully, I felt like a different person.
Treat yourself and eat your favorites! Lost count how many times we had dim sum when I was pregnant. Lol
You Deserve To Be Pretty
I felt different while I was pregnant. Must be the hormones, or maybe because I can’t control all of the changes I was going through. I felt positive whenever I dressed up. The confidence that I felt gave me the motivation to get up from my bed and be productive.
I did not buy any maternity clothes. I felt like it was something that I can’t use for too long. However, I bought clothes that are stretchable especially around the waist.
You see, having a healthy pregnancy is not just about eating healthy and staying fit. Being in a positive mental state is definitely an integral part of being healthy.
Support Is Everything
Find support other than your husband cause there are moments that you can appreciate more outside your partner in parenthood.
I will forever be grateful that my sister was here in the US when I was pregnant. She was able to go with me to most of my Doctor’s appointments and be a solid support in times that I needed a hand to hold. I enjoyed going on lunch dates with her after my check-up and of course, shop too….for the baby 😛
Every Monday I would go to the mall to get my Godiva Trufflelata. It was my guilty pleasure!
Stay Away From Emotional Stress (As Much As Possible)
Though inevitable sometimes, emotional stress can greatly affect the baby. I had my worries that gave me sleepless nights when I was pregnant with baby A and I would often remind myself that my baby should come first. Every problem is temporary and after reading the effects of stress during pregnancy, I was more determined to be at my happiest. Nothing temporary should cause permanent damage.
Being a foodie, the best way I know to cope with stress is through food (aside from shopping! lol). Being a parent means working hard to give your child the best, and it involves taking care of yourself too!
Lucky for me, my husband loves being in the kitchen so I can request “healthier” versions of some of my favorite “junk” foods when I am feeling low. I wanted cup noodles so bad but I know how bad that is for your health and diet, so A made me a bowl of chicken soup all made from scratch (well except the Chinese noodles).
Love Is the Best Vitamin
Nothing can compare to the love and support you will get from your partner. Knowing that I have someone beside me throughout this journey to welcome my new role as a Mom is truly a blessing. The love that I receive from A definitely helped me be strong through all of the physical changes and emotional stress.
2016 was a busy year for A and I. Celebrating Valentine’s was the last thing on our minds so I did not expect anything. Having an amazing husband, A surprised me at work and brought me some of my favorites for lunch and a new charm for my Pandora bracelet ❤
Find someone who will take you to the diner at midnight because you are craving dolmades 😛
The best part about having a supportive partner? My belly was always full!
A made sure I had food! Little things like this definitely made me the happiest Mama-to-be!
I think most Mommies can agree with me when I say, the third trimester is out of this world. The last 3 months of my pregnancy felt like a year. There were things that I couldn’t do anymore, one of which was to bend. A offered to clip my toenails. How lucky am I?
EXERCISE!!!
Most women get scared to workout, but let me tell you — it is the best way to prepare your body for labor! I am on the move all day at work, but I wanted to do something specifically for me and my bump so I enrolled myself in yoga classes.
I am so lucky because there’s a yoga place 5 minutes away from my previous job. I loved Wednesdays because I got to leave work a little early, go to the local cafe to get a smoothie, then I’ll walk to my yoga class. I felt strong physically and mentally. I truly believe yoga helped me stay calm during labor and delivery.
Walking to my yoga class with my favorite smoothie from my favorite local cafe.
I also enjoyed looking at the buildings in the neighborhood. Somewhere deep in me, I felt like I was bonding with baby A already because I was doing for “us”.
I truly believe that having a healthy pregnancy is not just about the food that you eat or how you prepare your body for labor and delivery. It’s also about being in a good mental and emotional state. Everything starts from within.
Showing off my bump at 6 months — happy and healthy! ❤
xx
R ❤
How To Have A Healthy Pregnancy Hello, dolls!! Hello, AUGUST! I am welcoming another busy month. I thought June and July were crazy but seems like August is shaping up to be
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Stages of a Breakup: Week 46
1. Wake up around 1:00pm
2. Immediately eat leftover pancakes
3. Talk
4. Make a plan to hang out with the now non-crush friend bro on Sunday
5. Watch some episodes of a YouTube drag talk show called, “Unnhhh”
6. Do a photo shoot with Nate!!!!!!!
7. He suggests you open the refrigerator and take the pictures in there
8. You guys do
9. It’s phenomenal
10. You feel special and goodish in your body
11. Order Chinese food
12. Edit pictures
13. Get food
14. EAT
15. Watch But I’m A Cheerleader for the first time
16. It’s incredible
17. Drink so much whiskey
18. Upload two of the photos you and Nate took
19. They get over a hundred likes in the first hour
20. Feel pretty and like you accomplished something
21. Watch 2 episodes of Ru Paul’s drag race
22. Split up the Chinese leftovers
23. Go home
24. Try to watch the end of XXX
25. Eat half a sandwich out of the trash and 3 bags of fruit snacks
26. More whiskey
27. Feel a little sick
28. Take a shower, wash your hair
29. Try to throw up
30. Can’t
31. Lay down
32. Stress about what time you’ll get up tomorrow cause it’s already 4:32am and there’s a lot you have to do
33. Wake up fine
34. See you have a facebook message from this guy you messaged like a week ago trying to reconnect you haven’t spoken with in literal years, he says he never checks facebook, to text him instead
35. Text him
36. Don’t hear back
37. Read a lot of posts about sexual assault between the Aziz Ansari thing and the theatre you did improv at in New Orleans which is in the midst of a scandal
38. Upload another picture of yourself from the photoshoot with Nate
39. Go to the gym
40. Buy three gel nail polishes for 6 dollars from a man on the street
41. Post about it in a beauty group
42. Get met with a BEAUTY CONSPIRACY THEORY about people who reproduce packaging and formula to sell for less and give you diseases
43. Feel so annoyed!!!!
44. Do three mics
45. Eat two free pizzas and two paid for beers
46. See Molly
47. Talk about the theatre/sexual assault thing in New Orleans
48. Have 1 ok set 2 bad ones
49. Find some abandoned books on a recycling bin
50. Take four of them
51. Including “Dry” by Augusten Burroughs that you read and loved in high school
52. Start re-reading it on the train home
53. Remember it is about an alcoholic living in NYC
54. Time for some self-examination baby!!!!
55. Get home
56. Keep reading
57. Binge eat
58. Drink a little
59. Sleep
60. Wake up with a lot of plans
61. Slowly abandon them all
62. Have a lost day
63. Talk to your dad and Grandma on the phone
64. Don’t leave the house once
65. Slowly get your period
66. But you have an IUD so you never fully get it there’s just a little brown blood hovering around
67. Eat like 15 packs of fruit snacks feverishly
68. Spend all day reading about the sexual assault situation unfolding in your old improv theatre in New Orleans
69. Feel ----------!!!!!!!!!!!!
70. Write a long post
71. Resign yourself to being inside
72. Eat too many chicken nuggets and mac and cheese and some leftover Chinese and a peanut butter and nutella sandwich and three IPA beers which you don’t even really like
73. Talk to one of your best friends from high school on the phone
74. Make a plan to talk to your friend Mary-Devon tomorrow morning on the phone for the first time since she got engaged and you miss her a lot
75. Feel better
76. Watch the new Katt Williams special
77. Love it
78. Write a review
79. Read your ex-boyfriend’s interview with him
80. Look at who shared it
81. One of them is a person who wrote, “My boyfriend does cool stuff”
82. Whoops you found his new girlfriend
83. Feel your stomach drop outside of your body
84. It’s 4:30 in the morning you can’t even call someone to walk you through these emotions
85. Look at her facebook
86. She is hot and thin and has tattoos
87. Her name is Chandler
88. Ugh
89. She’s a chef
90. Ugh
91. She has a chest piece and you remember him telling you he thought a chest piece would look really sexy on you
92. UGH
93. Some of her cover photos are bell hooks quotes
94. Lololol good luck with that!
95. Ugh you try to get out of there
96. She is pretty and thin and that makes you feel
97. Like human garbage
98. You have started your period today and you have a pimple on your chin and your body’s been off and on sweating all day so you’re slippery and gross some places and your hair is that of a fifth grade boy who likes fish sandwiches
99. Write a little in your journal about it
100. Write a snarky tweet you will probably regret
101. Thank Jesus in Heaven above you didn’t text him back so you can feel like you have one ounce of power in this hell of a situation you’re going to encounter in a few short weeks
102. On her profile she made their relationship facebook official but it’s not on his profile
103. Ugh
104. Wonder if his dog likes her
105. Think about them doing all the things you guys did plus more because she likes to cook and is probably outdoorsy or something
106. Wonder if you’re allowed to be mean to her because she’s thin
107. Feel relieved you’re going to talk to Mary-Devon tomorrow who’s met her and will know some things
108. Prep yourself to cry
109. Try not to think about losing a bunch of weight in the next month
110. Health
111. Body positivity
112. Hate this girl and your ex-boyfriend
113. Hope she’s lame and dumb and he’ll never love her the way he loved you
114. Doubt yourself
115. Feel inadequate
116. Remember you have a wonderful and engaging book
117. Also that it’s 5:14am now
118. Decide to leave the computer
119. But not this hell!!!!
120. Ugh
121. Wake up
122. You’re ok and alive!
123. Do laundry!
124. Talk on the phone with your friend Mary-Devon
125. It feels good
126. She tells you that girl is weird
127. And that your bodies aren’t that different
128. Feel roughly 80 times better
129. Laugh with her a lot
130. Catch up on some New Orleans comedy gossip
131. Get dressed
132. Go to work
133. Make some $$$
134. Call like 4 different people on the walk to the train because you want to talk to someone, get no one
135. Home tired
136. Gabe calls back!
137. Talk to your friend Gabe on the phone
138. Decide not to eat because it’s 12:30am
139. Go to sleep!!!!
140. Wake up naturally at like 10:30am!!!!!!!
141. Text with your friends Rachel & Molly about the new gf
142. Feel incredibly comforted after an extensive talk with Rachel about clothes being an extension of ourselves that we control
143. Take out ALL the recycling in your apartment that has been building up for weeks and is a huge pile
144. Find an entire Alaskan salmon and beef filet RAW/ROTTING that was in the bottom of your roommate’s Blue Apron that she never unpacked/found
145. Go to the gym
146. Feel good working out
147. See that there’s a Rainbow across the street from your train stop
148. Head in!
149. Gather a bunch of items to try, realize there’s no dressing room
150. This is your Russian Roulette
151. Buy four pieces WITHOUT TRYING THEM ON
152. Get home
153. Take a shower
154. Finish watch XXX and eat a TUB of salad
155. Try on all the clothes
156. Decide to keep 2, think about the other 2
157. Agree to make a tour poster for someone for money!!!!!
158. You’re worried about getting it done in time, and also the quality, but very excited as well!!!!!
159. Go to work in new leggings
160. Make 85 dollars, meet some beautiful foreign gays
161. Realize you haven’t lived until a beautiful gay man whispers in your ear, “Did my husband tip you?”
162. Pack a lot of free food in cups
163. Ride the train home
164. Your feet hurt so much from standing
165. Cancel escorting at an abortion clinic so you can go to the Women’s March tomorrow with your friend Ariel
166. Be so excited!
167. Prepare yourself for 6 hours of sleep
168. Wake up feeling exhausted but excited
169. Stare into your phone for a solid 15 minutes before being able to physically move
170. Eat weird bean sandwiches you took from work last night for breakfast
171. And some carrots
172. Get dressed
173. Bring your work stuff with you
174. Have one of the most terrible train rides of your time here so far-nothing crazy happened you just felt really claustrophobic and people kept sneezing without covering their noses & someone was wearing a very intense perfume
175. Finally get out of the train
176. Meet Ariel!!!!!!!
177. She gives you feminist pins to wear!!!!!
178. Run into another friend on the train
179. Go to the Women’s March!
180. March for a little
181. Stand for a little
182. See a girl whose boyfriend is a Trump supporter…….get outta here!!!!!
183. Try to march
184. Get thwarted by the police 2 different times
185. Sneak into the Museum of Natural History with your friend Ariel to go to the bathroom
186. Stay
187. Explore in there for a while
188. Leave
189. Rejoin for like another hour
190. Take a stroll through Central Park
191. Get Mexican food!
192. Hang and talk
193. Go to the gym
194. Go to work
195. Do a three hour party
196. Get good tips
197. Have fun!
198. Lose your voice
199. Go home
200. Write a long status about the women’s march at 2:30 in the morning that probably won’t get any likes
201. Text this guy you kind of have a crush on but he is seeing someone else but is taking you out to dinner to apologize for leading you on/misunderstanding/friendship?
202. Feel wayyyy better about this whole thing/seeing your ex-bf/him having a gf
203. Feel honestly grateful to him bc maybe if he hadn’t hurt you so much you wouldn’t have left New Orleans/gotten to New York
204. Be excited for your single life!!!!!!!!!!!
205. Wake up at 10 something
206. Go back to sleep until 1:00
207. Stay in bed
208. Eat cake for breakfast and macaroni and cheese from the trash and leftover Chinese food
209. Have trouble motivating
210. Do bed stuff
211. Go to the gym
212. Return a blue velvet dress to Rainbow across the street
213. Work out but it’s hard
214. Stall there for a long time
215. Go back to Rainbow
216. Get really excited about buying sexy clothes for Mardi Gras
217. Spend 84 dollars
218. Have the female cashier look at what you’re buying and say, “For you?” and when you confirm she says, “It’s not gonna fit it’s too small”
219. Feel awash with too many negative emotions to separate and name
220. Feel robbed of the joy you’ve had about your body for the past three days
221. Swallow some tiny tears
222. Put one thing back
223. Still get the rest
224. Walk home in sadness
225. It’s alright
226. Eat in a way that if drawn in cartoon would look like a sugar tornado
227. Drink a spiked seltzer & 1 beer
228. Text your friend good luck who’s opening for Rory Scovel
229. Finally start at 9:30pm on this poster project you have put off all day
230. Put on Love Actually to watch while you draw
231. The Lord of the Rings
232. Finish somewhere during Lord of the Rings
233. It’s not perfect but it’s ok and you can hopefully clean it up tomorrow on the computer when you scan it in at the library
234. Feel ok
235. Stalk your ex-boyfriend and his new gf on fb a little
236. Feel still ok but less so? But still ok
237. She’s 26 and that’s truly insane because you’re 28 and he’s 37 and you felt like THAT was a big age difference but hey
238. Take a shower which you DESPERATELY need
239. Mentally decide to try on clothes afterwards, also sleep which is key
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Day 20: 1/20/18
Soooo... we are considering not finishing this Whole30. I’ll get into why, but let me first just say that I realize this seems like a really lame cop out. And I think it would be if this was the first time I was doing Whole30. But I already did the whole thing once so I know I’m capable of it - so it doesn’t feel like giving up to me, it feels like considering my options knowing how I’ll feel in both scenarios and trying to make the more mature move instead of focusing on the guilt that I think people will be disappointed in me or make fun of me or whatever might happen.
Actually, lemme just tell you about my day because I think then you may understand where I’m coming from.
Breakfast
I woke up at 5am again, sneezing and with a constantly runny nose (I should have taken a picture of how many tissues I used in the next hour; I think it was probably like 30). For some context on this: I have woken up between 4-5am every single day for the last... I think 2 weeks? We finally acknowledged today that it seems like I might be allergic to something in the apartment, because it seems like as soon as I leave home I’m fine, and as soon as I come back (like right now, as I type this, I am sneezing again, and I have not sneezed in hours) it starts up again. So that is stressful thing #1.
So I woke up at 5, put in a few hours of work (stressful thing #2: work is crazy right now for a bunch of reasons and I know someone’s going to yell at me about work/life balance but I work at a very early stage startup that is doing a lot of cool things and this is not the time for me to have a work life balance so just don’t yell at me about it. But yes I basically work 24/7 currently and it’s exhausting), and sat around sneezing and feeling miserable.
Erik woke up eventually and offered to make some of those yummy smashed potatoes out of leftover cooked potatoes we have in the fridge. I said that sounded great. Then he came out of the kitchen with ONE plate with a couple potatoes and a sausage on it. I asked him where my breakfast was and he said he didn’t realize I wanted any. “What made you think,” I asked him, “That I would be making my own breakfast at some time in the future? I’ve been awake for hours and I’m starving. I also literally can’t stop sneezing long enough to even make it into the kitchen, PLUS I’m in the middle of a bunch of work.” (I am a joy to build a life with.) So he made me some breakfast:
Then he went off to skate (his current passion) and was so excited because this is the first day in months where it’s warm enough that he can go do it outside. He came back only an hour later, which is always a bad sign because it means something went wrong. It turns out the skate park was closed (and still full of snow), and he crumbled. The problem is, as I may have described here before, that January removes everything Erik loves. He’s not allowed to have beer. He’s not allowed to eat any comfort foods. He doesn’t have any free time because he’s constantly doing the dishes (or helping with other household chores that I don’t have time to do because I’m cooking every second of the day that I’m home). And he can’t spend any time outdoors, which makes him totally insane.
So on days like this, where he thought he might have something nice to do and then even that got taken away from him, it’s really not easy for him to bounce back. To his credit he tried, but it illuminated for me yet again how miserable this diet is making him. It’s just withholding one more thing that has the potential to make him have a good day. So there’s stressful thing #3.
Lunch
We went to see a couple apartments (as I think I mentioned the other day, we just found out we have to move), and since this was my first time really moving around today I noticed that a subtle lower back pain from yesterday had blossomed into what felt like a full-on muscle sprain. It was bad enough that I was limping a little because it hurt every time I moved my leg (back injury: stressful thing #4). When we got home from looking at the apartments, we did some stretching, which helped a little, but when I stood up from the floor I got really dizzy and that thing happened where I blacked out for a few seconds and couldn’t see anything and had to hold on to Erik until it passed. (Concerned family reading this: I promise I am fine, this is not something that happens often.)
This is when Erik totally lost his mind. He started expressing some concerns that I guess he’s had for a while, which is that I’ve basically been sick the whole time we’ve been doing Whole30 (as he put it, "I’ve never seen you this frail in the entire time I’ve known you”) and he strongly feels I should consider whether or not this makes sense for me to keep doing. I argued that I don’t see how eating less healthy would make me feel any better. What, if I was drinking regularly and eating pasta all my problems would be solved? And I really don’t know the answer to this - I don’t know if these things are a coincidence or if my diet really is hurting me somehow - but I do know that last year at this time I felt great, and for whatever reason I do not feel great now. I do have more energy at work, yes, which is nice, but I think that’s just because I’m not drinking and I’m not eating sugar and I’m going to bed earlier. But I feel sick, and weak, and exhausted at the end of the day, and I can’t sleep. So something certainly doesn’t feel right. Stressful thing #5.
Anyway, we argued about that for a while and then I made us a greek salad, which was really good!
It’s just romaine, hardboiled eggs, tomatoes, and kalamata olives. The dressing is olive oil, red wine vinegar, lemon juice, garlic, and salt and pepper. While I was making this admittedly very simple and quick salad, I was also heavily guilting my husband about not offering to make it. But the problem is, he hates cooking more than anything in the world, I think maybe even a tiny bit more than he hates seeing me in pain, which is certainly a lot. So I made lunch while I moaned every time I had to move because my back hurt, and constantly blew my nose because it wouldn’t stop running, and generally gave him a hard time. The thing is, I joke about this a lot here, but this kind of intense diet really is tough on a (or at least our) relationship. It’s so much work, and it’s neverending. Erik has done the dishes 3 times today, and somehow there are still dishes in the sink. There’s always groceries to order or something to clean or something to cook. And it is very much not making us enjoy the limited time we have together at home. Stressful thing #6.
I took a nap after lunch and that helped (so did the heating pad I put under my back).
Dinner
We did have one really nice part of our day. Remember that angel Duncan who cooked us a Whole30 dinner last year? He did it again this year, and this time he had help in the form of a second angel, Sarah:
They hosted us for dinner, and made us a delicious salad, a spatchcocked (??) chicken, and a truly amazing slow cooker curry cauliflower korma that you should 100% make. This was the best dinner I’ve had probably all month (half because it was good, and half because I didn’t have to make it). We brought the La Croix. They wouldn’t let us clean up any of the dishes after dinner. Like I said: angels.
They read the blog, so we talked a lot about how it’s going and the pros/cons. And while we were talking about it, I realized... there aren’t really any pros this year. In addition to all the health problems I’ve been having, I also still haven’t dropped more than those original 5 lbs (and I’m convinced that was just from getting rid of alcohol). And we’re just... so... miserable.
Duncan also made us a “second course” (since we’re not allowed to have “dessert”) which was a sort of smoothie made from bananas, coconut milk, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Oh my god it was heavenly.
On our walk home, Erik and I had some real talk about the Whole30. He told me how guilty he felt eating that paleo crack bar the other day because it had raw maple syrup in it, and how it got him thinking that so many of the Whole30 rules seem so silly because we already know (from doing it + reintroduction last year) that a bunch of the forbidden foods don’t make us personally feel bad. I also think I’ve been relying on the Whole30 too much as my sole (theoretical) method of losing weight or staying skinny when really what I should probably be doing is exercising. And, ya know, sleeping.
I think we just don’t... really believe this is the right diet for us. And we actually DO eat relatively healthy (much more than we used to before Whole30). We went down the list:
We almost never eat bread or pasta at home
We almost never order in food
We eat breakfast every day, and it’s usually some variation of the eggs and meat/veggie we’re eating now
We’ve both cut down on our caffeine
We’ve both massively cut down on our sugar (outside of my one vice, Pumpkin Spice Lattes in Nov/Dec)
I eat way less cheese than I used to, and Erik eats way less fast food than he used to
We’re not perfect, but we don’t have any serious dietary reactions to anything we eat, and we’re relatively thin, active people. I just don’t really know what we’re trying to get out of this anymore. It doesn’t really feel like it has a point this year. Last year, we had a goal: finish the Whole30. Prove that we can do it. Now it just feels like a dumb project we’ve finished already.
I feel pretty confident that even if we choose not to continue doing the Whole30, we can still use January as a healthy month (no alcohol, little to no sugar, more veggies, and actual exercise) and get more out of it if we’re not stressed and miserable all the time.
So there you have it. I don’t know what we’re going to do but I can tell you that I’m leaning towards giving up on this. We have enough stress in our lives without a self-imposed diet that seems to be killing both of us slowly. I still super believe in the Whole30 and think it’s worth doing once to learn what works and doesn’t work for your body, but I think what I’ve learned this time around is that rather than doing something extreme like this again, a smarter thing is just to take what you’ve learned and incorporate that into your life in a sustainable way. I’d like to be healthy year round, not just in January.
And Erik would like to eat a pizza.
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Miscarriage: How I shot a wedding 5 days after we lost our baby | Andrea Rodway Photography
Time Doesn't Stand Still
There are days, months, and even years when you're younger and you wish the time would fly by. This is definitely not the case when you're moving at what seems the speed of light when you're pregnant. I don't know about any other mother ... but when I was pregnant, it seemed like the months were flying by. When I felt like I had months to plan and prep, the next moment I realized I was almost five months into having our baby boy with me.
I knew keeping up my photography business and working my regular full time job was going to continue to be a challenge, especially if we were going to have children. You don't really know how your body is going to react when you are finally pregnant. I was absolutely exhausted those first few months, and luckily I never got sick ... not even one day. I craved tons of veggies, steak, and chicken and I was extremely proud of how well we were eating. Then that week came. That week of 20 weeks pregnant. That week where it all came crashing down. That week that I never felt him move, not even once. That week that I would never get back. That week where we went in with a baby and saw parents come out with a baby, but those parents weren't us. That week where I honestly didn't know if I would ever be okay. And that week where I didn't want to see or talk to anyone, especially anyone who was having a baby.
You Are Never Prepared For Loss
There are days where I don't think about our loss, and then there are days when I do. I never know when that will hit me. For instance, the other day I saw the most adorable little boy and I just smiled and told his mother how beautiful he was and kept walking. I felt great, amazing even. And then there are other days when you see something on Facebook or in the grocery store and you want to throw your phone or you leave your cart full of items and walk out of the store. This is my reality. There are no experiences in life that can prepare you for any sort of loss. I remember when my grandparents passed, I was quite young for the first two and then the last two I was a bit older. But it still hurts no matter how old you are. When you're pregnant you have milestones. Once you hit them, you are so proud of yourself that you and this little blessing are still in it to win it.
Then that dreaded day comes. The one that you secretly knew was coming, and there was nothing you could do to stop it. You couldn't rewind, you couldn't force time to stop, you are just stuck with the words that the doctor tells you, and the extreme pain and emptiness from the aftermath of surgery. They literally wake you up and make sure you can go to the bathroom and then say see ya later, here's some pain meds. There's no guidebook to handle the sadness or pain from the loss you've just had. While we were waiting for me to go into surgery I had to get a new nurse. We had been waiting so long that the previous nurses shift was over. She came in smiling, and without reading my chart she asked me why I was there. I couldn't help but want to choke her, but I knew that she was just doing her job ... but saying the actual words made it real. And that part I wasn't ready for.
Putting On A Smile
When you're a wedding photographer, it's not like you have PTO that you can cash in and say, "Eh I guess I'll take today off ... someone else will cover." You have promised to be there, unless you've already worked out something with the couple. Our loss was completely unexpected and I had surgery on a Monday and had a wedding to shoot on Saturday. It wasn't just a wedding, truth be told, none of them are for me. The difference for this one ... the bride is a friend of mine and some of the bridesmaids were also friends. I wasn't really sure what to do, because when you're pregnant everyone asks how you're feeling or wants to see your bump. These are things I didn't want to happen. The mere thought of it sent me into a downward spiral.
I just wanted Rachel to have the most amazing day of her life and I didn't want my loss to be talked about or have any attention on me whatsoever. I emailed my friends that were in the wedding and told them the news and asked them to privately relay the message to Rachel. I just couldn't bare to send another email and being a former bride I know how much stress goes into your wedding week. The last thing I wanted her to worry about was if her photographer was going to show up.
Strength comes from within
My husband being the amazing person he is, asked me if I really was physically able to do this. Another thing a lot of people don't know is that when you have surgery after losing your baby you basically become a TV ad for adult diapers and your body feels like it's been put through absolute hell and hit by a truck. I had a baby, but he didn't come home with me. My body was completely destroyed. I wasn't feeling the best, but I had to go and I needed to do this for them and honestly ... I needed to do it for myself. I needed to prove to myself that my life is going to go on, and all of these things that I have worked so hard for are worth all the pain and sadness that I felt inside.
I channeled all of those emotions and pushed myself to do the very best job for Rachel and Mike that I could. Their wedding day is the beginning of their family. They shared some of the most precious moments in life that anyone can ever ask for. This joy and these moments are why I drug myself out of bed and slapped a smile on my face. This day wasn't about me, it was about them and their love for one another. It was a huge milestone for me as a person to be able to overcome grief (even if for just a few hours) and channel my loss for someone else's beginning.
Here is Rachel & Mike's beautiful wedding day blog post:
Other posts on our miscarriage:
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