#and i'd LOVE to clean houses!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway · 1 year

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Okay, I think I have finally found a cleaning strategy that is compatible with my fucking MYRIAD MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES while also not being so hard on my body that it causes an autoimmune flare up so buckle up lets go.

First things first, I have taken to using Grove for all of my cleaning supplies. Are they bougie as hell? Yes. Could I pay less for the literal same products (down to the volume and brand) somewhere else? Usually yes. Does the environmental footprint of the delivery of these supply boxes every month probably outweigh the environmental friendliness of their packaging? Almost certainly. BUT!!!!!!

My brain doesn't do the feel-good biochemicals real good (or really any of the biochemicals) so getting a delivery of pretty, autoimmune safe household goods every month triggers that lovely little hit of dopamine so without fucking fail every time one arrives, within a day I have carefully unpacked all my little goodies (they even send me a surprise** present with every box???? What more could a depressed burnt out bitch with no executive functioning want???), and within a week I have gone on a cleaning binge where I hyper fixate on my apartment one room at a time until the whole goddamn thing looks like it could be coming straight out of a designer tiny house catalog because I'm just???? So excited???? To smell all my nice scented cleaning supplies and play with my pretty new organizer items????

**the best part is that the surprise gift isn't actually a surprise because you get to pick it yourself from one of three options during the order process, but because I have extremely limited working memory and recall, I never remember which one I picked and can somehow have both the experience of a specifically chosen by me tailored extra gift AND a special surprise present I didn't expect at the same goddamn time.

So. A+ marketing strategy honestly, hits me right in the neurotransmitters every time, and given how long I can go without lifting a fucking spray bottle normally, I'm calling it an accessibility tax.

Anyway, horrifically this is only step one of my new cleaning process, and, honestly the rest of it is probably A) personal, and B) gross as hell so I'm gonna put this under a cut and you can feel free to skip it. But all my comrades out there who can't for the life of them keep a cleaning schedule because the dopamine don't work good, get you a cleaning product subscription (Grove isn't the only one but they're all about the same) because that bad boi will get ya every time, tricking you into thinking cleaning is fun by making it feel new and jazzy.

Okay, so your cleaning supplies arrived this week and have been burning a seasonally scented hole in the back of your fucking brain for the last 4 days, and you finally have an entire 24 hour period with zero time specific obligations, which means the cleaning fest can begin as soon as you convince your executive functioning to allow you to put down your phone, stand up, and walk into the other goddamn room.

This takes approximately.....six hours. Mostly because that's how long it takes for your wife to take the dogs to the park for the afternoon and the day has some serious "may not be perceived in your natural habitat" vibes, so that's how long it takes for the house to be empty of every living thing that cannot help but be up in your business. The cats don't go anywhere but that's okay because the second they see you go for the cleaning supplies the retreat to their dens and refuse to come out until at least 24 hours have passed. There is no danger of the cats perceiving you until this whole farce has ended, so the cats can stay.

Now your brain is on some unmedicated OCD, autism, ADHD, CPTSD, and suicidal depression shit and has been since at least 1997, so there's a lot of conflicting motivations/needs happening up in your grey matter meats right now and here's how you're going to rank them for the duration of your cleaning binge:

You skipped your last couple of cleaning deliveries because you were broke and miserable and that means it's been about 2 months since the last time you cleaned anything which would be fine if it weren't for the fact that 2 people, 2 dogs, and 2 cats live in this 550sqft apartment and these 6 living creatures somehow seem to secrete filth like a weird protective outer layer, which means that for the past 2 weeks at minimum you have been Carefully Never Thinking about what might be on the surfaces that you're touching and the only thing allowing you to still set your bare foot down on your hardwood floor is the layer of dirty laundry that develops over everything when you've forgotten to do laundry for a month, and if you have to really think about what you're cleaning you're going to cry, vomit, and then bite something, only possibly in that order

This is true in all 3 total rooms of the house, which means some of what you might have to clean is definitively more triggering than others, but also the dogs DO have a tendency to destroy anything they can fit in their unhinged maws directly on top of your sheets and pillows on the bed and this means that while technically the content is less upsetting, the experience is So Unfathomably Much Worse, but you only ever have one room's worth of cleaning in you per 24 hour period and anyway your wife will be back with the dogs in a max of 2 hrs so some Decisions TM will need to be made

Once the momentum stops so does the cleaning and god help you if you're halfway done because neither your wife nor your trained service animal nor g-d them fucking selves will be able to stop the meltdown that happens every time you have to walk in that room until you manage to finish the job

So you decide to clean in the following order:

Bathroom

Bedroom

Galley kitchen/front entry combo

Pros to this decision:

If your wife brings the dogs back before you're done cleaning the bathroom is the only room where you can close yourself in long enough to finish cleaning.

Tiniest room in the house

Clean tub (don't think about the implications here or you will spend the rest of day in paralyzed hysterics)

Clean toilet (if you even begin to consider the implications of this, drop 50mg of THC tincture immediately or wifey will find you flat on the floor screaming so hard you don't make any noise)

This is where most of your preferred clothes end up when they turn into laundry so the basket of clothes you collect is an absolute guarantee of having the Good Clothes back in rotation if you can also schlep down 3 flights of stairs to the basement at least 3 times to do some washing.

Bathroom is very pretty when clean, and will stand out really fucking hard from the rest of the house after your done which will increase the chances of the OCD making you clean the other two rooms on future 24 hour periods of zero obligation, which will help you roll the cleaning motivation from your delivery over until next weekend because you will need 2-3 weeks to actually clean every room (there is only 24 hr period of zero obligation guaranteed per week)

When you're done cleaning you can take a bath and it'll feel really fucking good as long as you rinse down the shower enough not to have a dermatological reaction to your cleaning products from soaking in tainted water

Now that you have crossed the first hurdle you will need the following supplies in order to complete your mission (supply list backfilled after writing out your entire process because like fuck will you ever remember every item you need in order to clean a room literally ever):

Multi purpose cleaner (with secret ingredient dish soap)

Tub and tile cleaner

Paper towels

Microfiber cleaning clothes (at least 3)

A pair of those shitty dish washing gloves from the dollar tree

Broom and dustpan

Trash bags

Trash bins

Sponge/scrub brush

Phone (for music and also missing all of your wife's text messages and phone calls about the dogs because your brain literally cannot comprehend external existence while cleaning)

Your oldest pair of ER scrub pants and a sports bra built for a fucking linebacker's worth of titty (mine's made of terrycloth because I love myself and would rather die than feel sweat on my skin)

Empty laundry hamper

Now that you collected all of your shit (definitely prior to starting and not by scampering in and out of the bathroom the entire cleaning process like a deranged chicken looking for the Good Foraged Seeds) you're going to hunker down and get to work. You put on your most boogying playlist and get to work.

Step 1) pick up all the textiles on the floor and add them to the hamper (step 1a is to shake them out before throwing them in but you have to walk the line of thinking about this just enough to remember to do it but not so much that you notice all the fuckingggggggg debris????? that falls out of your clothes.

Step 2) pick up any objects off the floor that you will not be throwing away and set them in the bathtub, you'll come back to this later

Step 3) grab that broom and sweep up your floors into a big pile on the floor. Best if you sing and dance and really get all hyped up about your music while this one happens or you will be forced to reckon with how many times your skin has made contact with your floor seasonings.

Step 4) take your new trash pile and scoop that shit into one of your trash bags you don't need to be meticulous here because you'll be doing another pass on the floors later, but you need to get the big stuff up and outta your way.

Step 5) take all the stuff off your sink and add it to the bathtub pile

Step 6) empty the bathroom trash and then pop the bin into the bathtub with everything else

Step 7) spray down every goddamn surface (except the bathtub and its contents) with your multi purpose cleaner. Mine's in an orange bottle and smells like grapefruit because I'm not allowed to eat grapefruit anymore or I'll die, but fuck man I just love grapefruit?????? Floors are included as a surface in this spraydown.

Step 8) use your paper towels to do a first pass of "wiping up" on your surfaces. This will be upsetting. Keep the toilet lid up for emergency vomiting, vut try to head it off by breathing in through your nose for a 4 count and out through your mouth for a 6 count.

Step 9) now that your surfaces are sanitary, spray down another layer of multi purpose cleaner. Floors are included as a surface in this spraydown.

Step 10) use your microfiber cloth to scrub your surfaces and really clean up any of the stuff underneath the stuff. This will be the first time you feel capable of acknowledging the reality of what you are cleaning because at least now it doesn't look like a fucking yeti tracked hair, mud, and plant matter through every inch of your home

Step 11) shake your microfiber cloth out in a trash bag, and then drop it into the laundry hamper

Step 12) remove any items from the tub pile that shouldn't get wet and wipe them down with wet wipes or a damp paper towel before putting them In Their Spot

Step 13) fill the tub with about 2 inches of the hottest water you can manage and toss any rim-of-tub items into your remaining tub pile

Step 14) start washing, drying, and putting away each of the items in the tub pile one at a time until the tub pile is gone. Rim of tub items go in the sink temporarily.

Step 15) spray down the tub with tub and tile cleaner on the outside, inside, and rim

Step 16) use your sponge to scrub the tub with the cleaner and wipe the leavings down onto the floor of the tub.

Step 17) use paper towels to wipe up the leavings on the floor of the tub until it's nearly dry and all debris is removed

Step 18) rinse tub, but no need to get meticulous

Step 18) spray down the tub, the walls of the shower, and the lower half of the shower curtain with multi purpose cleaner

Step 19) use a cleaning cloth to wipe down the entire tub, walls, and curtain

Step 20) thoroughly rinse the tub, walls, and curtain with water and wipe down the outside with damp paper towels

Step 21) spray some multi purpose cleaner directly onto a clean cloth and use it to wipe down baseboards, heaters/radiators, walls, etc.

Step 22) put the rim-of-tub items back on the tub rim now that it's mostly dry

Step 23) spray scented disinfectant in the room including two spritzes directly into the trash can and two spritzes directly into the toilet bowl

Step 24) restock the toilet paper and top off the soap dispenser, etc

Step 25) add a bleach tablet to the toilet tank which you thankfully HAVE been remembering to do regularly because it means you don't have to scrub your toilet bowl literally ever and honestly that's a small mercy because you used to just end every bathroom cleaning day vomiting into the bowl as you cleaned it, so life hack those consequences!

Optional step 26 is to excitedly tell your wife as soon as she and the dogs roll up that you just cleaned the bathroom and she should go see it when she has a minute and she looks at you and says "i take it that's why I couldn't reach you?" And you go "oh shit, we did talk about this didn't we?" And she goes "it wasn't an emergency, but I am glad you're alive" and you go "I'm really sorry I'll figure something out for next time but also it really does look super clean and pretty and I am still waiting on the last little bit of dopamine that comes from external validation and praise?" And she says "fine" and goes to look and then gives you a forehead kiss and says "it looks really good baby, thank you" and you say "!!!!!!!" and then you go collapse in bed for at least an hour while your body catches up with the fucking stunt you just pulled.

Your bathroom does look fucking spectacular tho, so at least there's that.

#my own special version of how to keep house while drowning #obsessive compulsive AuDHD edition #like folks #i cannot emphasize enough how badly my contamination obsessions mesh with my executive dysfunction #this is literally the only way I keep up with cleaning #and keeping up with cleaning is the only way i don't slowly disintegrate into a hysterical lump of goo #cleaning routines are the stuff of nightmares for me #but i hope this helps someone else because fuck knows i'd have loved to not have to reinvent the wheel on this one

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elektroyu · 1 year

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This is a bit random, but you know what I'd do if I had a couple hundred or thousand bucks to spend?

I'd get a bunch of animal skulls/ skull replicas asap. First of all, a thylacine one, and then a dog and wolf for comparison.

#random stuff #thylacine #skulls #taxidermy #I also need another house cat for comparison but technically I already have 2 in my freezer #I'd love to get into bone cleaning myself but acetone #thankfully I know a taxidermist who can help with this sort of stuff

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omarfor-orchestra · 1 year

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"Non farlo piangere" girl he literally cries in his mother's arms when he's trying to fall asleep because he gets frustrated when he can't and now I'm making him cry???????????????

#i don't understand how they see this child thing #he's a child. he cries. sometimes he cries for things you have to say no about #like you must say no. why is it so hard for you to understand it and most importantly why the HELL am I the one who's somehow behaving #like the mother when she's not around #I'm so pissed off about this situation Imma scream one day #again. i love my nephew more than my honestly unworthy life for what I'm doing with it #but I'm 23 and i never asked to be a mother and i just want to do my things and have like a little corner for myself #and to be left alone for 5 minutes #which can't happen apparently bc I can't even go to the bathroom without my mother going 'let's see what auntie is doing!'#gurl what do you think I'm doing???????#I'm so fucking tired #and once again why the hell does he have to sleep here tonight when his father is perfectly able to take care of him #i swear if i were to see him once a week I'd be more than happy but every day gets exhausting #and in the middle of it all i also have to listen to my mother scold me for no reason. no one ever says 'oh thank you'#jesus christ #I'll never EVER have children btw #and i hope I don't fall in love with a cis man because if this is how they are I'm very tempted to commit a murder rn #I'm tired out of my mind bc me and my mother had to cook and clean the whole house for tomorrow. do you think #my father raised a single finger despite knowing we needed a hand?#fuck them when i get financially stable enough to leave they'll see me once a year #if they're lucky #again. I can't have my therapist tell me all this things which i start to think about daily and leave me on my own for a whole week #bc then i go insane #sorry I'll prob delate this later #rant #i realize now the post doesn't make sense without context but i was trying to make him sleep and he cried a little #like he. always does btw but somehow today it was my fault

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katya-goncharov · 1 year

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ONE day i will finally be in a position where i can adopt a cat

#i want one so much and it's evil that i'm nearly in my mid 20s and still not in a position to look after one properly #and i don't know if i will be until i'm in my 30s. because it seems mean to get one when you're still constantly moving house and also with #my dysfunctional sleep routine i don't know if i'd be able to feed one or keep a house clean enough until my life is slightly more sorted #but ohhh i would love a little kitty companion

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nunap · 2 years

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Private message:

I'm sorry Christopher but when we'll get married I can't come live with you in Australia my arachnophobia is too severe. U gotta come live here and kill tiny spiders that look gigantic to me for me instead

#so tonight i heard a voice istg telling me to look up in the dark and there was this ugly ass spider over my bed so i yelled woke up half #the house then went take some spray. usually big ass spiders don't move but this fucking monster jumped!!!#a horror Pokémon evolution jumped #on my pilloew!so my dad tried w a slipper and it jumped again fucking peter parker x man spider that wasn't a jumping spider wtf #and we don't know where it went so i went sleep on the couch and today i cleaned all sheeps and moved so many stuff and idk where it is #hopefully outside or he found a dark corner far away but idk and I'll be terrified forever #how do people live in places where spiders eat birds istg I'd kill myself #and worse chris would never love me?can u believe?the only obstacle to our connection smh #also i sprayed all my bed w poison ik it's unhealthy but tbh desperate times call for desperate measures #*sheets

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lastoneout · 3 months

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Like I know we all love making ADHD seem cool but like, don't forget it's actually a disability? My ADHD is bad enough I've nearly been evicted for forgetting to mail the rent check to the property manager, I've forgotten to pay the utility bills and had my water or power get turned off or had to pay fines bcs I missed a credit card payment. Once I was supposed to cat sit for a friend and I lost the house key she gave me but didn't realize until she was already out of town, and she had to call the apartment office to get someone to give me the spare so her cats would have food for the week. When I'm unmedicated I can't even get myself to shower half the time, forget eating or cleaning. Before I started living with my fiance I'd just like, not eat for days because I didn't have anyone to remind me to eat or go buy me food. I've forgotten to turn the stove off so many times and ruined kettles and tbh been DAMN fucking lucky the house didn't burn down. I've done stupid, impulsive shit that's nearly gotten me KILLED. I can't remember to close the shower curtain reliably even through my fiance points out every single time I forget, and he's almost out of soap rn bcs for the last MONTH neither of us have been able to remember to order more once we get out of the shower.

I've had such bad memory my entire life that to this day someone suggesting I forgot something because I simply didn't care enough is a legitimate trigger that, in the worst cases, makes me have a breakdown.

I get that for some of you this is just something that makes studying hard or you forget to take a pee break when you're playing Minecraft or whatever, that's still a valid struggle and you do deserve help and understanding, but like, ADHD is a disability. It's disabling. It's not impossible to improve and learn coping skills, meds help a lot, there are great accommodations out there(LIKE CLEANING SERVICES), but not every case of ADHD is the same, and a lot of them are pretty ugly ngl, and just because you managed to do something doesn't mean someone else is gonna be able to manage it too, or that they're being lazy for struggling. And that obviously doesn't mean ADHD people have a free pass to never work on themselves and make everyone cater to their every need or whatever, but we do deserve some understanding when we explain that our disability is actually disabling in ways that aren't palatable to you. So like, idk, maybe don't immediately recoil in horror when you find out that someone with ADHD can't keep their house clean. And for fucks sake don't ridicule them for it.

#people when the disability is disabling *surprised pikachu face*

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inkskinned · 6 months

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i love finding out how big this world is. my girlfriend has only visited boston a handful of times, but i grew up here. i told her we'd be going to do the tourist traps in salem, and she said - which salem?

to be fair to her, there are a lot of other states that have a town named "salem." and i think there's some evidence that the witch trials actually happened in what is now called Danvers. but the thing is - she thought "salem" was like, a made-up thing. there wasn't actually a salem, massachusetts - like there isn't a gotham city.

they don't talk about it that much where she grew up, is the thing! and this made me laugh. a week ago she was talking about her hometown and said something akin to "well the museum's kinda like the one in richmond," and i had to explain i still had no frame of reference for what the hell this museum was like.

i love finding out what knowledge i take for granted. i used to live with 5 other women. 3 of them were from south korea. they had to take, like, a solid fifteen minutes to explain their birthday system to my gay math-blind ass, laughing as they did.

that same month, our roommate from denmark taught me the danish word for wreath by accident - she'd been talking about decorations, used krans, and i'd been able to figure it out through context. i just picked it up and kept talking. our entire house used krans as the word. she came home and slammed the door one evening, mock-angry, shouting: you motherfuckers! it's a - a wreath!

and how often do you use certain words, anyway! i am cuban, so i was raised with certain spanish words sort of sprinkled in there; but never how you'd think. in middle school i asked someone to pass me the recogedor - in a completely american accent, like i was speaking english. i hadn't registered it as a spanish word. i mean, how often in school do you actually use the word "dustpan" - i'd only ever heard it in the context of cleaning my house.

there are places that you grew up that you, just, like, know. that you assume everyone knows. there are things and people and "common knowledge" that you have that, just, like. doesn't exist for me. i don't know what you call your public transportation system, but in boston we call it "the T". our train cards are called charlie cards because of a song where a father accidentally abandons his family, which was written because our system of transportation. in boston, most people would snort and say everyone knows that, kid.

i think you and i should go on a long walk - it's getting dark early these days and we need any sun we can manage. tell me about the first time you saw snow. tell me about the stuff everyone knows about your home. tell me about the cities "everyone's been to," about the food "everyone's already tried." who knows. maybe it will feel nice to you - watching someone learn about it for the very first time.

#spilled ink #warm up #4/10 #loved this interaction with them tho i have to be honest.

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buckleydiazmp4 · 8 months

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hey guys what remedies do you have for sore shoulder, back, chest and arm muscles. i am planning on taking painkillers but i also would like other alternatives

#i had a long long day of filming yesterday and my entire upper body is soooo sore #i love filming and everything but the equipment is so heavy and most of the takes where on-shoulder so i am dead on my feet rn #i'm happy but tired lol and i have to clean the house and cook lunch #which i'd rather do with less stiff muscles lol but hey. that's life #sara talks nonsense

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absentlyabbie · 11 months

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i'll tell you what converted me to being all-in on keeping cats indoors only:

living for a year and a half in a rural area with a sudden feral cat colony explosion on the property.

i moved in with my folks for a bit and at that time, one (1) stray cat mama had taken up residence on the property, but was too feral to let my mother anywhere near her. but especially after she brought three kittens around, mom fed her and the kittens in hopes they'd grow trusting enough she could catch for spay and neuter at the minimum. momcat stayed mean and hella wary, but the kittens would hang around a little nearer and play with my mom via long stick, but still wouldn't come close enough to touch or catch.

unfortunately, two of the three kittens were girls and started having kittens of their own before further progress was made, shortly after i moved in. and that was pretty much instant doom.

there were so many kittens. SO MANY. multiple litters. every time we turned around, more kittens.

we fed them. we hunted for and located the kittens every time anywhere on the property and would move them to a repurposed doghouse anytime a mama cat had them somewhere else, so that they could grow up human-socialized and we could spay/neuter them when they were old enough. (also it was a handy tactic to push the issue of the mamas getting more used to/trusting of us themselves. only really worked with one of them, though.)

and we watched them die.

we watched litter after litter of kittens never make it to the age they could be spayed or neutered. the moms stayed, for the longest time, too skittish to more than briefly touch, much less catch and crate for a vet visit.

it sounds like a silly joke to say i have kitten-related ptsd, but i absolutely do.

too many goddamn times i'd walk out of the garage and find the carport and gravel drive strewn with tiny bodies. others simply went missing, never to be found.

one in particular, i wish i hadn't found, and the visual literally haunts me still, almost a decade later.

i saw so many kittens die of snake bite, spider bite, wild dogs, birds of prey, hit by cars, respiratory illness, covered in fleas and eyes crusted with infection.

and we loved them all. scrimped for antibiotics if the vet could be convinced to give it to us despite our being unable to bring them in. bought flea collars and ointments. we cared for them and fed them and petted them and played with them, brushed their fur and cleaned up their little faces, put ice in their water in hot summer, rigged a heating lamp in their house in the winter.

and they died. horribly. that property is pocked with unmarked graves of kittens and cats.

all the best intentions, not enough resources, and it didn't matter anyways because the population went from three to almost twenty (at times, over thirty) in the blink of an eye.

they died and died and died. our hearts broke over and over again. the stress and anxiety wore us down like sandpaper. i think, by the end of it all, we managed to find less than 10 of them all homes, including batman the disabled kitten i found a home across the country through tumblr.

it was carnage and tragedy, frankly. and we were helpless.

it only ended because they started dying faster than they could be born, and because we finally caught the two remaining mom cats in traps and got them spayed.

the points about outdoor cats being invasive predators devastating to local wildlife populations is true and valid and important.

but i know cat people, and cat people who don't know better than to let cats outdoors. what matters to you is the cat itself, generally. the cat being happy and taken care of.

keeping cats outdoors, letting them outdoors, is not taking care of the cats. it's not protecting them. it's not giving them any happiness or invigoration that couldn't be provided to them as indoor-only pets with just a little research and effort.

they die. they get ill. they get hurt. they're at risk of predators, and cars, and disease, and carelessly cruel children and deliberately cruel adults. they're at risk of disappearing on you because someone else saw a cat outdoors and intervened to give it a better, safer life not in conflict with the local environment.

and if that offends and angers you that someone would just take a cat they saw roaming outdoors, even collared, and that it sounds like i'm endorsing that, i am, but not if you intervene and be that person yourself for your own cat.

if what matters to you is doing right by your cat because it's family and a living creature whose happiness and health and safety is important to you,

keep them indoors. not part time. always. exclusively.

edit: since apparently i need to clarify this, i'm saying cats should live inside, that they should not live outdoors, even part time. visiting the outdoors supervised on a leash or in an enclosed catio is not the same as even part-time living outside, and i am certainly not advocating against it.

#long post #cats #indoor cats #outdoor cats #keep your cats inside

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moineauz · 17 days

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જ⁀ 𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔 , various ! pt two

synopsis: his voice lines about you as his beloved partner

including: boothill, aventurine

side comments: my first voice line fic was well received and for that I thank you all <3 so of course this is for all my boothill and aventurine lovers out there! (including myself for boothill...)

extra: gn reader, angsty and fluffy moments, I genuinely loved writing boothill's, minor spoilers for both favourites: boothill word count: roughly 1000+

care to see the first part? includes dr. ratio, jing yuan, & blade!

𝐁𝐎𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐋

WHO ARE THEY? I "Out here askin' question huh? Well if you're that curious... then you better listen close."

FIRST MEETINGS? "Met them on a bullet train in a neighbouring star system. Turns out we were chasing after the same fudge-heads. You could've seen them- a sly creature that's who they were, whipping out the most slick sniper I've ever seen. I'd reckon that was one of the most thrilling fights I've ever had: came out with dents all over my arms and a broken gun. Their bullets nearly punched a hole through my cheek... hah!"

GREETINGS? "They may be a load of dormant gunpowder, but they sure are sweet! Full of laughter and courtesy. But I'll let you in on a little secret... ( Name ) likes to walk in, pretty as always- and plant kisses all over my cheek before they even say a word."

PARTINGS? "Being a Galaxy Ranger means never staying in one place. ( Name ) is no Galaxy Ranger... I'd reckon it's better that way."

ABOUT US: SHOES IN THE HOUSE "I can't exactly 'take off my shoes' now can I? But ( Name ) likes to keep the house tidy and I best not anger them... like that one time- anyways, we came up with this whole fudging system just to keep the bottom of my damn boots clean! It's fudging ridiculous! *Chuckles* I can't help it, but ( Name ) is understanding. Even if I trudged through all the grime in the universe- they'd still wipe it all off."

ABOUT US: FAMILY "You see, ( Name ) has this big family. Siblings, cousins, extended cousins, aunts and uncles, you name it. We were on their home planet once, and I finally understood where ( Name's ) knack for puttin' a real good home together came from. Their family lives in the countryside where all you can see are open fields, lush hillsides, free-roaming animals and wildflowers. Consider it a quiet paradise. They even grow their own food for fudging sake! Everythin' made by hand and land. Darlin' nearly coaxed me into joining them for dinner once, but I knew better. Best not spoil the family get-together."

CHAT: HATS N' POSES "Personally, I like my hat and flare the way it damn is. How would fightin' be without it? But of course, your partner has to be a cheeky tease about it."

CHAT: WARMTH " I've seen it in the movies- those fudging 'romcoms'- and read it in books. When it gets cold... I'm no help. Can't do much except reach for a blanket and wrap them up. But even then, metal and skin don't fudging work."

PASTIMES DONE TOGETHER? "Count me in on a dance sugar plum! Have to admit, darlin' has a fair share of good dance moves. Nothin' like a hard-earned victory being celebrated with a cool glass of whisky and a smooth dance."

ARGUMENTS: "Bitter things that's all they are. Leaves you knocked out cold. Reminds you of all the things you can't take back."

SOMETHING TO SHARE: "Following the hunt ain't an easy task. But someone has to punish the wretched. That's the thing about the hunt- you get cold, hard. Sugar follows another path that doesn't make any fudging sense to me. But that doesn't matter. None of that ever mattered, not to them, not to me or even the hunt. Call it selfish, but I'd like to one day settle down... Just like their family. Out where no one could find us."

WHO ARE THEY? II "They call me their 'sweet lover'. But really it should be me saying that. If anything I am the sweat of their brow- a nuisance at times. But they still love me. They still fudging love me."

EXTRA: IPC ENTRY "Normally, Galaxy Rangers travel alone. However, we have seen the wanted Galaxy ranger- Boothill- be accompanied by someone who appears to be a vagabond follower of Xipe. Despite the information we possess, the relationship between Boothill and his supposed 'partner' is very limited."

𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐄

WHO ARE THEY? I "Fancy meeting you here- oh? A rumor you say? Rumours do have peculiar ways of reaching the ears..."

FIRST MEETINGS? "All business ventures possess their gains and losses. However, I did not expect my pockets- alongside others- to be picked on a night meant to celebrate the Strategic Investment Department. The person who did it played their cards exceptionally well. I applauded them and the subtlety of their skills."

GREETINGS? "Despite their rather cunning nature, ( Name ) is quite kind... shockingly so. I thought their smile was a chip they played for their own meticulous advantage. *Chuckles* I was wrong, there was simply nothing to understand behind that smile."

PARTINGS? "One transaction after another, the universe keeps spinning. Don't keep up, you fall behind. Simple. I don't have to worry about that around them, or at least, for a while, until another wager must be made. Until the peck on the cheek is over."

ABOUT US: LOCKET "( Name ) has a keen eye for trinkets and bought- well stole- a locket for the two of us to share. I keep it with me, a lucky charm if you may."

ABOUT US: NAPPING "Personally, I don't nap. But, ( Name ) is a terrible influence and says I should. I must admit, waking up to them in the afternoon is not a bad way to spend my time."

CHAT: THEVERY "( Name ) is a thief... a good one at that. Oh don't worry, they struck a deal with the IPC. Primarily on their terms because they have been such a nuisance to the IPC. It's rather amusing seeing the IPC chase their own tail. We've definitely shared laughs over it."

CHAT: CONFESSIONS "Who could possibly love something so broken? It's like keeping a clock that won't tick or a deck of cards missing a queen. Sometimes, I wish they didn't care so much. It would be... easier."

PASTIMES DONE TOGETHER? "Of course, a good game of cards is a fun way to pass the time. *Chuckles* Though, ( Name ) is a terrible player. Not that I mind, I'll guess I'll play the role of 'loser' this time around- best you not tell them."

ARGUMENTS: "What else is there to say? Nothing. That part is the worst."

SOMETHING TO SHARE: HEART OF GOLD "( Name ) steals to give to the poor. It's their motto... I saw them once with a group of kids on a planet in a distant star system. They were giving back to the orphanage- the smiles on the children's faces when given toys, marbles to be exact, were so bright."

WHO ARE THEY? II "In all honesty, I'm not quite sure. However, what I do know is that luck finally worked in my favour... I'll hold onto that for as long as I can."

EXTRA: DR RATIO'S OPINION "The gambler- without hesitation- will bet 'all in' even if it means his own life hangs in the balance. However, amongst the chaos of his bets, there is one person who will drag him back to reality... ( Name ). Aventurine will never gamble nor forfeit the one person who truly understands him. Even I don't fully understand the gambler's crafty nature. I suppose a thief is the only one who can and more importantly, will."

masterlist.

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riality-check · 10 months

Text

The eagerly awaited part 2 of the DILF!Steve concert saga is here!! Part 1, in case you missed it.

"You're not going."

"Come on! I haven't thrown up in an hour!"

"The drive to the venue is an hour and a half."

"Steve-"

"And if you throw up in my car-"

"Oh my God-"

"I'll kill you."

Steve doesn't need to see Dustin's eye roll in order to feel the full force of it through the phone.

"I'll just kill you. You'll have a headstone within the week that says Here Lies Dustin Henderson: Rightfully Murdered for Puking in Steve Harrington's Car," he continues as he packs Capri-Suns into the cooler for the car ride.

He doesn't remember ever being that thirsty as a kid, but if Anna wants strawberry kiwi, Anna gets strawberry kiwi. It helps that it's Steve's favorite flavor, too.

"I'd need a big ass headstone to fit all of that," Dustin snaps.

"Your big-ass ego would demand no less, shithead," Steve shoots back.

"Swear jar, Daddy!" Anna calls from her room, across the house because while she doesn't listen to Steve when he's right in front of her, she can hear him break the swear jar rule from halfway across the world.

He zips up the cooler, fishes a quarter out of his pocket, and throws it into the half-full soup can next to the stove.

(A quarter doesn't mean much, but Anna doesn't know that. The day Steve teaches that kid about inflation is the day his pockets become permanently empty.)

"Did she just swear jar you?" Dustin asks from over the phone.

"You baited me into it."

"I did no such thing."

Steve rolls his eyes. "You're not coming, though, are you?"

Dustin sighs, and, for all his teasing, Steve does genuinely feel bad. "I still feel like if I breathe wrong, I'll hurl, so, no. I don't think I'll manage the car ride, nevermind the actual show."

"Sorry dude."

"Don't be. Some dickhead will live stream the whole thing on Instagram, anyway. I'll live vicariously through them."

Steve snorts and picks up the cooler. He got Anna dressed beforehand, so it's just a matter of getting her to stop playing with whatever toy she dug up - Play-Doh has been the fixation of the week - in her room so they can go.

"Besides," Dustin continues, and Steve hates where this is going. "Anna loved the show, and you've got a reason-"

"Nope," Steve says, knocking on Anna's door. "Don't finish that sentence."

"All I'm saying-"

"I know what you're gong to say, which means you know my answer. I don't date."

Anna opens her door. From the little Steve can see inside, there are at least three containers of Play-Doh open and strewn across the floor. He thinks her Barbies are involved in it somehow.

"Time to go," Steve says, and he thinks, Please don't let there be Play-Doh in the Barbie hair.

"Five more minutes," Anna tries.

"Nope. Clean up and roll out."

"Hi, Anna," Dustin says through the phone.

"Uncle Dusty!" Anna shrieks, and she starts jumping up and down. "Are you comin', too?"

Dustin sighs, and Steve can't tell if it's at the nickname or if he's still cursing the universe. "No, but you and your dad have a great time, okay?"

"Can you, can you tell Daddy I should get five more minutes?"

Steve raises his eyebrows at her. Anna, to her credit, ignores him wonderfully.

"If you clean up," Dustin says, because he's actually Steve's favorite person right now, "you get to do more headbanging at the concert."

Anna gasps like Steve didn't already tell her that earlier today, and she gets to work on putting her toys away. Steve helps, of course, and he finds that there is, in fact, Play-Doh in two of her Barbies' hair.

Fun. They're going to turn into Buzzcut Barbies when Anna goes to sleep because he can already tell that they are the furthest thing from salvageable.

But that doesn't matter right now. What matters is getting Anna in the car, deploying the first two of many strawberry kiwi Capri Suns from the cooler, and making the drive to the venue, which Steve does with minimal road rage and accompanied by the Disney radio station.

Success by all metrics, really.

Dinner might as well be now, so Steve shells out a truly disgusting amount of money for overpriced chicken nuggets and fries at the venue. Anna will only eat half her portion but say she's hungry later, but that's what the snacks and water Steve smuggled in via his jacket are for.

They get to their seats, dinner finished up, just as the lights go down for the first opener. Steve looks to his left, half-expecting Eddie and his friends to be there before remembering that they won't be.

He tries not to feel too disappointed. He fails miserably.

The seat next to him, however, isn't empty. There's a note taped to the back of it, one addressed to Steve and Miss Anna, so Steve feels alright taking and opening it.

At the top, there's a messily scrawled phone number. Underneath, it says:

Here's my number. Probably a bad idea to call with all the noise. Texting works, though you should do that after the show. I'll be a little busy until then.

-Eddie

Steve puts the note in his pocket, puts Anna's ear defenders on, puts his own earplugs in, and looks at the stage, where-

Hang on.

He squints at the stage, where four guys have started playing a song that, frankly, sounds too much like literally all the music Steve listened to yesterday for him to care about all that much. The drummer is pretty small, with wild, curly hair. The bassist looks familiar. The lead singer, who is very talented but not to Steve's personal taste, also looks familiar. And the guitarist-

No way. No way in hell.

It's a total coincidence. Lots of guys have long, curly hair and heavy jewelry and big eyes and are wearing formal wear, for some reason, and catch Steve's eye, and-

"Thank you for such a great welcome!" the guitarist says, and his smile totally isn't doing anything to Steve, thanks very much.

Anna stops moving, where she's standing next to Steve, and climbs up into his lap to get a better look at the stage. She looks out, then back at Steve, then out, then back at Steve, making a face as confused as Steve feels.

Some days, he thinks he ended up with a clone, not a kid.

"I'll get off the mic in a second. I only do the talking because Jeff," the guitarist points at the lead singer, who ducks his head, "is really shy."

Jeff. That name is definitely relevant, but Steve is a permanent resident of denial.

"We fought about what song we were going to include next in our set list, so much so that we didn't decide until yesterday and had to consult a tiebreaker."

Okay, maybe Steve is a less permanent resident of denial than he thought.

"So, thank you to Miss Anna, who did great at headbanging for her first time-"

Anna whips around so fast, her forehead nearly collides with Steve's jaw.

"And to Steve, who's a big fan of American Psycho."

At the song name, the crowd loses their minds, and if Anna wasn't sitting right in front of him, Steve would join them.

Because what the fuck is happening right now?

His question isn't answered. In fact, about five more questions pop up in its stead when, during the bridge of the song, Jeff puts on a clear rain jacket and picks up a prop axe.

Please, God, don't let this traumatize my kid, Steve thinks.

Anna, thankfully, doesn't get scared. When Jeff brings the axe down, again and again, Steve's weirdo daughter fucking smiles. And giggles. It's kind of cute, actually.

When the song ends, she turns back to Steve.

"That's Eddie onstage," Steve says, and saying it, somehow, makes it real.

"I thought so!" Anna says, and she turns back to watch the show. Steve puts an arm around her waist so she doesn't fall off his lap when she bangs her head to the music.

The rest of the songs, in Steve's opinion, are better than the opening song. They're more melodic, which Steve can definitely get behind, and each of them has a gimmick onstage, all based off of various horror movies. It's ridiculous, but also really, really cool.

And Eddie, onstage, because it is the same guy who flirted with him and was so sweet to Anna yesterday, is really, really hot.

Steve has never had a thing for guitarists before. He's never had a thing for musicians before. Hell, until a year ago, he didn't realize he had a thing for men.

Eddie is. Uh. Yeah. Really doing it for him.

Steve doesn't know whether it's his enthusiasm, or the way he moves, or seeing his hair tied up, or the fucking dress pants and suspenders, or just his hands, but he does know he has to get himself in check because this is an all ages show and he's here with his daughter.

He already knows he can't add these songs to his grading playlist, not when they're accompanied by visuals of Eddie playing his guitar.

Sweet Jesus.

"Alright, that's our set!" Eddie says. "Thanks, y'all, for sticking around for us, and let's give it up for the next act!"

The crowd, including Anna and Steve, cheer as they exit and the lights go up.

Steve fishes his phone out of his pocket, fully intending to add Eddie's number to his contacts, and is greeted by not one, not two, but sixteen missed calls from Dustin Henderson.

Naturally, Steve calls him back. "Who died?"

"What the fuck?" Dustin yells, and Steve just puts the phone on speaker to save the rest of his hearing. "Did Eddie fucking Munson just personally thank you from the stage?"

"Swear jar, Uncle Dusty!" Anna says.

"Sorry," Dustin says. "But Steve. Answers. Now."

"How do you even-"

"Instagram live. Is Eddie the guy you were telling me about yesterday?"

Steve takes his phone off speaker. Prior experience tells him that this conversation has a less than zero chance of staying PG, nevermind PG-13.

"Yeah," Steve says. "He is."

"The one who flirted with you, and you forgot to ask for his number."

"Well, I have it now."

"What?" Dustin shrieks, and Steve is incredibly thankful that he didn't take his earplugs out.

"He left me his number on the seat."

"Text him."

"I was going to, until I saw that you called me sixteen times."

"Jesus Christ, Eddie Munson was flirting with you."

Steve rolls his eyes and hands a pack of gummy bears to Anna when she taps his arm. "He could have just been nice. I don't even know if he's into guys."

"Have you looked at him?"

"Wow, Dustybuns, I didn't know you were homophobic."

"I think it's the complete opposite of homophobic to try to get you laid."

"Hanging up!" Steve shouts because a part of him will never see Dustin as any older than thirteen, and no thirteen year old should ever say that.

"Text-"

Steve hangs up the call. "Can I have a gummy bear?"

"No," Anna says, mouth full, in her seat, legs swinging.

"I bought them."

She shrugs. "You gave them to me. Mine now."

Steve stares. She stares right back.

He sighs and opens a new pack of gummy bears.

With his mouth full of sweet Haribo corpses, Steve takes out the note and adds Eddie to his contacts. Before he can overthink it, he sends him a message:

I guess I don't have to ask you what you do for a living. Just so we're even on that front, I'm a teacher, and Anna's full time job is preschool.

He tucks his phone back into his pocket and focuses on making this a good experience for Anna, who somehow wormed her way into a conversation with the intimidating-looking couple sitting next to her.

Because it's totally not like a literal rockstar is going to text him back. Right?

Part 3!!

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