Gary K. Wolfe Reviews The Practice, the Horizon, and the Chain by Sofia Samatar

April 20, 2024 Gary K. Wolfe

Generation starship stories tend to come in a few distinct flavors, with distinct character types. There are the refugees, trying to keep humanity alive while escaping a dying or overpopulated Earth (the sort of wishful fantasy that Kim Stanley Robinson set out to demolish in Aurora a few years ago). There are the colonizers, out to find and take over new planets just because that’s just what humans do, and there are the hopelessly confused who have forgotten they’re on a star­ship at all, whose history is lost or corrupted or mythologized, and who are inevitably in for a rude awakening as soon as someone finds a window. But perhaps the most interesting variety are those tales in which the characters are recognizable figures from our own institutions and history – not stylized enough to be allegories, but which can hold up a mirror in the way allegory does – except with real characters.

Rivers Solomon used the setting to effectively model racism and slavery in An Unkindness of Ghosts, and much of that rigid segregation is also reflected in Sofia Samatar’s The Practice, the Horizon, and the Chain. But Samatar has far more on her mind than generation starships, and the novella has as much in common with a kind of narrative much rarer in SFF: the academic novel. In addition to presenting a brutally dehumanizing social struc­ture, Samatar’s characteristically gorgeous prose also carries the undertone of someone who has sat through plenty of frustrating committee meetings, tried to introduce change to an entrenched system, or grappled with issues of equity, opportunity, and intellectual freedom in the face of corporate interference and senior faculty sinecures – all presented with a sense of realpolitik that makes it surprisingly resonant with some very real current anxieties. In fact, the key words in her tripartite title can be all read as metaphors of the promises and challenges facing educators.

The initial point of view is that of a nameless boy who labors in the bowels of a giant starship, one of a fleet operated by the powerful United Min­ing corporation, which maintains a rigid separa­tion between ‘‘the Hold’’ and the elite ‘‘upstairs.’’ Despite the backbreaking work and appalling conditions – he’s even chained to the wall, like other workers – the boy develops a talent for draw­ing by using sharp objects and even his chain to make pictures on the walls of his cell. This draws the attention of a professor, who selects him for a chance to study at the University, much as her own father had been chosen. But she’s facing her own challenges in the University, where even the textbooks must be approved by the corporation, and which divides the curriculum into the Newer Knowledge and the Older Knowledge – which will look familiar to anyone who’s been near a university in the last several decades – and she reveals her own sympathies by noting that ‘‘My father taught the skills we need to survive in the vastness of space… I teach the skills we need to humanize space.’’ Shades of humanities depart­ment budget defenses (or is it just the former academic in me having flashbacks?).

If all this begins to sound a bit like a treatise, the vivid poetry of Samatar’s descriptions and the passion of her characters turns it into a moving human drama. The boy’s utter terror at being removed from his familiar surroundings, grim as they were, is palpable, and the professor’s sometimes testy interactions with her colleagues and a seemingly intractable system are all too credible. As they begin to form an unlikely al­liance, the boy shares what he has learned from the prophet, his longtime mentor in the Hold. The practice, he said, was ‘‘the longing for un­derstanding’’, and the horizon was a feature on ancient Earth which invited you ‘‘to look neither up nor down.’’ As these ideas begin to inform the professor’s central question about her profession – ‘‘Can the University be a place of both training and transformation?’’ – the two of them set in motion what might be the beginning of revolu­tionary change, or might backfire entirely. The Practice, the Horizon, and the Chain takes on a number of heavy issues for a relatively modest novella, but never loses focus on the dreams of its two memorable central characters, or on the power of its distinctive setting.

A year ago, the guitar was in dire straits. With songs like Travis Scott’s “Sicko Mode,” Ariana Grande’s “7 Rings,” Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts” and Panic! At the Disco’s “High Hopes” among the most consumed of 2019, programmed beats and horns were the sonic flavors of popular music. Sure, there were outliers — the Jonas Brothers’ “Sucker,” Maroon 5’s “Memories” and Post Malone’s “Circles” among them — but as the rock and alternative genres embraced artists like Billie Eilish, whose innovative music made the traditional band approach feel outdated, the days of chords and solos seemed numbered if not headed towards irrelevance.

Then came the coronavirus pandemic and things changed. Forced to perform from home or in rooms not intended for live music during lockdown, many artists went back to basics and out came the trusty six-string. For iHeartRadio’s “Living Room Concert for America” in March, Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl played an acoustic Guild on “My Hero”; Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day strummed to his band’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”; and even Eilish, with her collaborator brother Finneas, sang her hit “Bad Guy” accompanied by only a Fender acoustic. Other benefit livestreams like Global Citizen’s “One World Together At Home” event saw the Rolling Stones, Keith Urban and Shawn Mendes strip down their hit songs for unplugged versions. And in April, Miley Cyrus delivered an emotional cover of Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” on “Saturday Night Live” with Andrew Watt, himself a COVID survivor, on guitar.

At the same time, there was an electric guitar solo being heard on one of the most-played songs in the United States. Harry Styles’ “Adore You,” which has logged 1.1 million radio spins in 2020, according to Mediabase, and has been streamed more than 400 million times, per Alpha Data, features the playing of Kid Harpoon (real name: Tom Hull), Styles’ friend and producer, who handled the guitar parts for much of the Brit’s excellent “Fine Line” album, released in Dec. 2019. As it turns out, the melody of the solo, which also serves as the bridge to “Adore You,” was first hummed by Styles for Hull to emulate. “I did it with my mouth into a microphone,” Styles told Variety in October. “And then Tom sent me this video trying to get it to sound the same. He spent a couple of hours getting it.”

Why include a guitar solo when most pop songs would never dare? “I feel it’s kind of like ‘La La Land’ saving jazz  — only for rock ‘n’ roll,” Styles cracked when posed with the question. But more seriously speaking, Variety‘s Hitmaker of the Year added: “I’m not a spearheader of the movement, like, ‘Let’s bring back guitars.’ There’s plenty of times when [a song] doesn’t sound better with a guitar, and you don’t use it. But a lot of the references I grew up with have guitars; and it’s the first instrument I played, so it makes sense that I would like the sound of them more. I don’t think the guitar is dying. Guitars are great and always have been.”

In fact, guitar sales in 2020 have been robust. Music retailer Sweetwater reports more than 50% year-over-year growth in guitar purchases, with even larger increases during the peak COVID months of April, May and June “when customers most likely hunkered down to practice and create music after watching all of the streaming video they could handle,” according to a rep for the Indiana-based company.

The spike extended to other string instruments as well, which saw growth of more than 70% year-over-year in the price range of $299 or lower. The metric indicates that “new players are joining the fold,” says Sweetwater, which has been in business for over four decades and operates online. (Competitor Guitar Center, with more than 250 physical locations in the U.S., did not fare as well, filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection last month.)

Even in the virtual world, learning to play an instrument has taken off during lockdown. The platform Yousician, which provides interactive learning for guitar, bass, ukulele, piano and voice, currently reigns as the No. 1 app for music instruction while its sister product, GuitarTuna, is tops for guitar tuning.

Ask current writers and producers working in pop and hip-hop about their process and you soon learn that an acoustic guitar is often the beginning or the essence of a hit song. Among Variety‘s 2020 Hitmakers, the trio of Taz Taylor, Charlie Handsome and KC Supreme credited a guitar loop as the foundation for Trevor Daniel’s “Falling.” For Maren Morris’ “The Bones,” producer Greg Kurstin noted: “The first thing I noticed was Jimmy Robbins’ guitar hook; I wanted to keep the song rooted in that.”

“So many hit songs from 2020 started with a acoustic or electric guitar, whether it be a melody line or simple progression,” says songwriter and producer Jenna Andrews, whose recent credits include BTS’ “Dynamite” and Benee’s “Supalonely.”

And often, those guitar-based foundations remained through the finished product — for instance, 24KGoldn’s “Mood,” with its impossibly catchy sun-kissed guitar riff, and Powfu’s “death bed (coffee for your head).”

“I know it sounds kinda old school, but I love it when a well-recorded acoustic pops off on the radio,” says Sam Hollander, whose hits include the aforementioned “High Hopes” and Fitz and the Tantrums’ “HandClap.” “The bulk of my songs tend to be born on guitar. Without that foundation, the lyrics and melodies never really emote the heartbeat and emotion that I’m trying to dial in. There’s just a general warmth to it that’s hard to replicate. It’s like the warmest chocolate chip cookie.”

“I think the prevalence of guitar in 2020 has a lot to do with hip-hop producers using more emo and punk-rock influences,” offers Angie Pagano, whose AMP management company represents Tommy Brown (Ariana Grande, Blackpink) and Mr. Franks, among others. “Juice Wrld really helped bring this into the mainstream over the last few years. We’re seeing a great blend of emo and trap these days.”

Indeed, the year’s most-consumed hits leaned hip-hop — Roddy Ricch’s “The Box” landed at No. 1 on the Hitmakers list with Future and Drake, Jack Harlow and Megan Thee Stallion in the Top 10 — but even DaBaby’s “Rockstar,” the No. 3 song of the year, referenced a guitar in its chorus, albeit alongside mention of a Glock pistol. That visual may go against what Hollander calls “the Kumbaya vibe of the guitar,” but the song still features an acoustic strum at its core.

In the case of Styles’ 2020 successes, which also include the ubiquitous “Watermelon Sugar,” his producer further explained that, while aware of what was reacting on the charts at the time they were recording, Styles wasn’t about to chase the trends. Said Tom Hull: “We [thought], we can’t play the commercial game in terms of what’s happening right now. What we can do is make music that really resonates with us. There’s no blueprint. You just have faith. We love records from the ’70s and ’80s; weird prog rock music that might be a seven-minute instrumental; then you’re listening to Shania Twain, like, ‘This is awesome, too.’ The goal was to make something we will always love, and if it completely flops commercially, at least we know we love it. We have that.”

oc profile:

thanks for the tag @aceghosts !! i always have so much fun doing these. imma snag @irikahkrios @battlemastershepard @vizarding @comefeedtherainn​ @yellingaboutmasseffect​ @zet-sway​ and have at it if ye wish me mateys!

General-

Name: mercy shepard (no middle name)

Alias(es): shep, coach (from sports coach au)

Gender: agender

Age: i haven’t quite figured out how long i hc 3 to be, but by the end of it, maybe thirty four, fiveish? if you count the years their body was on the table. mercy... doesn’t really. at least start of 2, when asked their age usually what fell out of their mouth first was thirty one. (for sports coach au they’ve just turned thirty one)

Birthdate: april 11? 2154. day isn’t really known for sure? they were found several days old

Place of birth: unknown! but they were left at st. bernard parish fire department, louisiana while still a fresh baby

Hometown: their most stable home was around lake martin, when they were taken in by the henrys. around thirteen they went to juvie in new orleans, and that started their urban feral teenager life. eventually they move out to another megacity (havent figured out which one yet lmao) and meets kasumi

Spoken language(s): they’re pretty adept without the translator. mercy is fluent in english and creole, passable french and korean, and readily picks up phrases in other languages. after being reconstructed, a translator was literally built into mercy. they resent its presence sometimes.

Sexual preference: open. they’ve been too damn busy to even think to seek out experiences, but aesthetically admire all sorts

Occupation: spectre and alliance officer. enormous pain in the ass before that

Appearance-

Eye color: gold. not hazel or brown ‘til in the light type thing. when anderson first saw those odd lantern eyes it made him think of the foxes that liked to linger at the edges of his parents garden when he was growing up

Hair color: somewhere between summer wheat and spun gold. darkens a little, when not planetside

Height: 6’2 >:)

Scars: they have some from the thresher maw, some acid scars on the left side of their body like thick webbing that cut through parts of a tattoo. maybe got part of their ear. and one they got as a kid that sliced across their face. and then they were rebuilt, and what was left in their place were those glowing lines. (sports coach au they still have the thresher maw scars)

Favorite-

Color: greens

Hair color: favorite hair color on them??? they’ve never dyed their hair before, only crazy haircuts

Song: its not mercy’s favorite song bc i dont know how i’d even choose right, but the song that i have in my head for them is falcon in the dive from the musical the scarlet pimpernel (which fucks severely, also just do yourself a favor and listen to this too because christine andreas makes my heart stop beating. wow. WOW yes i will push it on everyone)

Food: clementines, satsumas, mandarins—any sweet citrus that peels easily (oranges are more work, but will be eaten if they’re around). persimmons, figs. cotton candy flavored grapes. cherries, peaches. they’re a very big fruit bat, basically. they get hype for an alien produce stand

Drink: day to day? chicory coffee, lapsang souchang, soda water. Sometimes lemonade or apple juice. for booze, theyre down for a beer. really likes a good whiskey. delights trying homebrew moonshine. ‘you made it in your bathtub? you went blind for two minutes? hell yeah i’ll have a glass cheers’

Have They-

Passed university: they went through officer academy and all that n7 training, does that count? 

Had sex: once in a relationship w thane, yeah boiii 

Had sex in public: …maybe? that is um. something to explore 

Gotten pregnant: never, also not possible

Kissed a boy: yes, although for these situations ‘been kissed by’ is maybe more accurate

Kissed a girl: yes, see above

Gotten tattoos: yep! they have two large pieces from before being arrested and negotiated into joining the alliance. they start under the jaw and both sides of the neck, going across the shoulders, along and down the arms, coming to an end on the forearms, and they shelled out for that fancy ink, that’s a little bit holographic/iridescent, where the colors would shift and glint in the light as they moved. obviously they’re gone when miranda rebuilds mercy, but they’re absolutely still around in the sports coach au 

Gotten piercings: had a handful of ear piercings as a teen, but has mostly stopped wearing them, for practical reasons 

Been in love: falling in love for the first time 

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: oh lmao yes for sure 

Are They-

A virgin: not anymore babeyyyyy

A cuddler: with people they are very close to

A kisser: oh yeah, big time. really into it now

Scared easily: nope! if anything, has adrenaline junkie tendencies 

Jealous easily: nah. sometimes when they were a teen growing up on the streets, but not anymore

Dominant: in bed? still figuring things out there. maybe sometimes. in life? they’re not domineering, but will shout people down if it comes to it

Submissive: also still figuring that out in bed ;) absolutely not in other situations tho. if theyre being submissive theyre usually up to something 

In love: learning what its like 

Single: not once mercy realizes what they’re feeling for thane (there was a lot of facepalming from kasumi and frustrated yelling on this one)

Random Questions (tw for self harm/suicide mention)-

Have they harmed themselves: i mean, through some of their harebrained, reckless ideas where the possibility of getting hurt is assured but they don’t care, yes

Thought of suicide: maybe a little, after akuze

Attempted suicide: no

Wanted to kill someone: oh absolutely homie

Have / had a job: yeah, pulling peoples heads outta asses

Have any fears: oh for sure, mind control and zombies, and even though now they know how to kill one down absolutely dead--thresher maws 

Family

Sibling(s): none, but kasumi is basically one

Parent(s): unknown. they had some foster parents (adoption was never approved) that offered mercy some important years of shelter

Children: no biological kids. but they feel powerfully parental feelings for grunt, jack and tali. kolyat and oriana too, eventually. in sports coach au though (more details to follow soon), jack is theirs. after akuze they got on the scent of cerberus early, and therefore busted down pragia while jack was still a lil kid, who pretty much imprinted on mercy

Significant other: thane, and in sports coach au, irikah + thane

Pet(s): their fish. they’ve got names like hand roll, don and chip

I'm running out of fanfics to read and I am going to rant about it for way too long and probably recommending fics as I talk. (links on words)

That's it.

I've read so much fluff scrolling through the Tubbo & Ranboo tag AND the Tubbo / Ranboo tag (bless my soul as this tag is also home for smut, but really good fanfics hidden in the middle so yeah), like, so much of it.

And I grew bored of it. Yep. After 3 months, I'm starting to get bored. I can't handle Major Character Death and big big Angst, because at the very moment a character dies, it's all about grief and everything. I'm not solid enough for that. Like when Tubbo or Ranboo dies and the whole fanfic is after that? I read one where everything was going alright and awesome fanfic and then TUBBO DIED, I didn't notice the warning in the tags and I dropped the fic.

I read a fanfic yesterday about them coming back to the past and must I say it is very enjoyable. The thing with fluffy stories is you never get to see Tubbo act like his character, an ex-president, a soldier, someone quite powerful if I may say so. And this fic just does that. They give Tubbo charisma that I barely ever see anywhere else and now that I got it, I miss it. Or maybe I didn't really search it up enough but. Anyway. I have only praises for this fic, it's just, great, and I'll be waiting for it to update.

I didn't get into the Zombie Apocalsype AUs yet, maybe I should, but I'm really scared my favorite character end up dying because that would be ah. No. I'm dropping every fanfic where Ranboo dies.

The Vigilant AUs are very cool too, a bunch of them are too simple and the writing lacks some poetry to it and the story some passing for me to actually follow through it. I'd say most fanfics are too simple for my taste, the writing too blunt and too quick. "He does that. Then says that. Then does that." It doesn't have flavor, you know? I've read dozens of the same fanfic, I pretty much know what's going to happen.

That's why original ideas are something that I really enjoy. A piece of new, something fresh, a new concept.

The series where Ranboo is a ghost may be the one I am really intrigued into. I didn't think it would be that much Angst, but the fact that we're following Ranboo's ghost point of view help me stomach the fact that he's dead. It's just so, so, so intriguing. I really wish to see the rest of the story. I need to know what happened to Ranboo. I read it twice and it messed me up a little for a whole day.

Vigilant AU's as I say, are very similar to each other and quite enjoyable. I read too many to recommend any in particular, but I love when there is a twist and the passing is quite slow. In this particular AU the BenchTrio oftentimes gets adopted/outed way too quickly to my liking or are way too Tommy-centric to my liking. Dirty Crime Boys is a really good exemple, and that was the first one I read back in early July and one of the few I actually remember and do not confuse with others. Didn't feel too rushed. In a similar vein, this fic is a goldmine. It is painfully slow, the passing is incredibly slow and it is awesome. Everything is described to T but isn't useless either. You feel connected to the character and everything is clear and I need more.

And they are Human Experimentations. I have a thing for this trope, I don't know why, like I have a thing for the SCP AUs. I don't know, I've talked about it before, but Ranboo being an experimentation out of a lab? Hell yeah I'm reading. This one is one of my favorite. Ranboo is clueless, he's kinda there and confused as hell. He's able to teleport and it's a very rare thing, maybe unique and has been kidnapped and now is bonding with Tommy and Tubbo in incredible circumstances. he was in Tubbo's locker because he teleported there to hide. Best thing ever.

That leads me to my newt favorite trope, the Ranboo Monster/Criptid/SCP trope. He's tall, he's powerful, probably drops on all four to run, way too powerful, and clueless because he's been either A. not human and hasn't really interacted with them or B. has grown in fucked up situations. Like, a fighting ring. I think this is my favorite, from like, all of the fanfictions. With EnderSmile, as a treat.

Unfortunately, I cannot go fetch the ones I am not subcribed to, like one-shots, or completed fanfics, but do know that there exist a long one-shot around 14 000 words where Ranboo is an escaped SCP that just hung out by Tuboo and it's awesome.

As we are with the Endersmile subject (Dream and Ranboo if you don't know) Path of a Golden Green, which just is newly completed and I followed the story almost from the start, it's incredible. Dream hung up his mask after escaping prison and Ranboo stumbles on him not knowing it's Dream and they bond. Recommend 100%. Beautiful writing.

There's a couple fanfics that sound incredible but that I deem not enough developped for me to actually recommend, like the Beeduo being two married villains doing crime but it only has like one actual chapter about them so. But the promise is really big.

Oh! (I say, scrolling through my subcriptions looking for which ones I actually really love). This is great. Centered around enderwalking Ranboo that is quite like a clueless kitten with a really well-done development around his pearl, and very beautiful writing and descriptions of how his pearl buzz. A pearl of a fanfic, if I may say so. Plus, Beeduo. I love Beeduo. I read way too many fluffy one-shots about them to actually remember any in particular. Way too many.

I read some Ranboo adoption arc by Philza and Technoblade and this one is my favorite, because it's slow and it is really well written and described and it really feels like Ranboo is an ex-slave. It's also fluffy, and I think you're starting to understand as you read through this terrible post that I like fluff.

A little.

Maybe?

I also read a couple Techno & Dream fanfics, but I don't really remember any in particular.

So I'm starting to think I should start reading actual Angst, because I'd really like to see charismatic characters doing cool things now. Like murder. I need to find a fanfic where Techno goes on a rampage. Just for the sake of it.

There was this one-shot where Ranboo was enderwalking (somewhere in the enderwalking ranboo tag before June, maybe May or April) and crept on Tubbo around all the mansion and ended up killing Micheal then him, and that was a blast. Terrifying, but absolutely awesome.

I think I love reading a tad too much. Man, I really wish every fanfic was as well-written as the ones I'm recommending. Too many have a cruel lack a passing, everything goes too fast, it lacks emotions, it lacks poetry. I'm never going to blame writers for writing because it's super cool, experienced or not, but man. Good writing is a real treat when you come across one.

Alright. Angst it is now, I guess. I will try. No fluff. Charismatic characters, please.

Start over

Hi, friends,

How are you doing? Somebody should ask.

I feel like I’m contractually obligated to send at least one question per year, and it’s already June. I started writing this update in April, but you’ll understand why it took me so long to finish this in a few moments.

I have been inside my house for over a year now, since April 2020. To be precise, I went to the doctor once in July, then across the street twice in November to vote, then out once more this month for another doctor’s appointment. Between those, I spent stretches of 4 to 7 months inside my house. Do I feel like I’m losing contact with reality? A little bit. Another reason to reach out and tell you how life is in Groundhog Day-land, and thank you for all the support.

The reason why it’s taking me over a month to write this is twofold: I started a room renovation in late March, and when I got close to the end of it, I got Covid-19 again. “Again?”, you would ask me. Ah, yes, again. Because apparently staying inside for a whole year is not enough. We are not sure what caused the first contamination, but the most recent was caused by a birthday party. The neighbors downstairs invited half of their family to drink and yell during a Saturday afternoon. A few days later all inhabitants of all four houses in our complex begin presenting symptoms. For my sister and me, it was the second episode; first for my parents.

Many times in my life I have dealt with the fear of dying or losing a family member. There is no getting used to it. We were in a constant state of panic for two weeks. Even though I recovered well, I am now dealing with post-Covid syndrome, which is a thing and it’s as fun as it sounds. So, not only I have to kick this disease in the balls twice and tell death “not today”, but I also have to tell the lasting effects to fuck off already.

Oh, and the neighbor who started all this? By my estimations, he contaminated between 14 and 20 people. And then he died. But don’t worry, he was a piece of shit. His family is acting like nothing happened, receiving guests almost daily.

Pandemic? Who’s she?

But please, when does it end?

Vaccination is a desire for the future, but it should be coming sooner rather than later since some mayors have decided to compete which town finishes immunization faster. Thankfully, all my grandparents are fully vaccinated and my immediate family got at least their first shot. In my household, I’m the only one still waiting. Best case scenario, I get the first shot next month and the second one a month later. Or it could be postponed to September, with a three month waiting period for the second shot. Until then, continuous isolation is the safest bet.

So here I am to tell you how have I been surviving inside.

Most of my life during these 14 months has been confined to a desk, a chair, and the lower bunk bed. I don’t even have the entire room for myself. The majority of my day happens within an area of 16 sq. ft. I measured. Don’t get me wrong, I am still able to recognize my privilege of being able to not go out for as long as I have. However, as much as I enjoy staying inside, feeling trapped I do not. I am unable to physically move anywhere, which translates into feeling like I can’t move forward with my life. Barstow is still Barstow, but now smaller and more dangerous.

So, to escape and to exercise my stubbornness of not giving up I had to come up with strategies to grow inwards.

I tell you all this because I know that the PodTherapy community was and is a great source of inspiration to better myself even when everything feels hopeless. This show keeps me grounded and motivated. I started working out of Nick, I have been journaling more because of Jim, I have been trying to keep myself busy with projects around the house because of Jacob. I listen to you every week and I feel less alone. The therapod community and the scoop community are the only reasons why I look at Twitter, which I had to abandon for weeks because I realized it was making me so hopeless that I started to shut down mentally and have physical effects of anxiety. I have been avoiding the news too because it literally raises my blood pressure.

To forge some type of normalcy into my hermetic life, I have been focusing on keeping a schedule that separates the days with different tasks. Time has a bit of meaning again and things get slowly done. I need to move my body and my mind, otherwise, the dread makes me numb.

I have realized how strong I am, which is a weird one. I am also once again grateful to have a supportive and loving family that is still happy to be together after all this. I’m tired, but I’m fine. Oh, and the “focus on the now” advice is not the best one when the present is this. I have to cling to a future. I have to tell myself that whatever I’m doing now is because it will improve tomorrow. And, sometimes, to remind me of how much I have conquered so far, I find refuge in the good memories.

I guess it’s all of this and The Sims, that’s how I’ve been keeping myself sane.

If I could I would write much more because I love to add a bit of a South American, LGBT+, female flavor to this American white dude conversation. I threatened you that I was going to write in every week, so we’ll see how long this bit lasts.

I understand that in the US the pandemic seems to be over and you guys are all happy about it, but that’s just not real. The pandemic is not over. And remember that if your country has an abundance of vaccines to reach the majority of your population it’s because the rest of the world was left with the scarcity.

Now, I have simple questions. Am I doing it right? What else do I do? Is there anything else I can do living this mandatory recluse life?

Miss you all very much,

Triple hug,

The Mayor

BnHA Chapter 263: [Immigrant Song Intensifies]

Previously on BnHA: Ujiko sicced five Noumus on Miruko. Rephrase that: Ujiko sicced only five Noumus on Miruko. In hindsight this was obviously a mistake. Miruko proceeded to laugh and jump around kicking all of them and literally ripping the head off of the strongest one’s neck with nothing but her thighs. It was legendary and awe-inspiring and also she lost an arm but WHO EVEN CARES, I’m still pledging my allegiance to her. Miruko once beat the sun in a staring contest. Miruko’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because nobody fucking fools Miruko. Anyway so also the heroes are finally attacking the League of Pliff’s HQ and Skeptic is running around all “AHHHH” so I guess we’ll see how that goes now.

Today on BnHA: Things finally get started over in Gunga, although for the time being most of the kids from 1-A and 1-B are still sitting around in the woods all pent-up and anxious and restlessly shipping KamiJirou. Meanwhile on the front lines, three-and-a-half-year-old Kaminari Denki is all “SOB I WANT TO BE BACK WITH MY FRIENDS WHERE IT’S SAFE”, to which Midnight, who I would just like to remind you is (1) an adult, (2) a teacher, and (3) a person responsible for this literal child’s safety in any number of other capacities, responds with “SORRY KIDDO WE NEED YOUR QUIRK.” I have yet to see any compelling evidence that they really do need it, but putting that dubious matter aside, Kaminari does kick some ass once he gets over his anxieties. Meanwhile Cementoss tears a building in half, Tokoyami reflects on how he was exposed to Kaminari’s good and pure moral character during their many soulful jam sessions, Hawks is about to kill Twice, and – wait, what.

a few stray thoughts since this chapter is taking forever to come out today. one, the good guys need to take out Twice and Toga as soon as they find them, because they’re currently the deadliest combination in the League. Twice for obvious reasons, and Toga because I’m pretty sure she got some of Aizawa’s blood that one time back during the Basement arc, and that fact coupled with the fact that she can now use the quirk of whoever she transforms into spells big trouble for the good guys since she can basically just cancel out whoever’s quirk she wants. plus she’s probably also immune to Midnight’s quirk. all in all bad news

two, it is interesting that Hagakure is the only 1-A kid we haven’t seen yet! probably just me overreacting, but still interesting!

(ETA: we do see her standing next to Mina in this chapter, so so much for that. you get out of it this time Tooru!)

and three, I’m not clear on whether or not Skeptic has actually figured out that Hawks betrayed them, or if he just suspects it, or if he thinks that Hawks leaked something accidentally and doesn’t realize that this entire time the dude was 100% playing them. I’m sure we’ll find out shortly. but regardless of how this plays out, I’m already dreading Twice’s reaction to all this :/ my sweet innocent baby. HE THOUGHT YOU WERE HIS FRIEND HAWKS. HE TRUSTED YOU. fff I really hope Twice’s inherently good and trusting nature isn’t a casualty of all this. then again I still think Twice himself is very unlikely to survive this. so basically I’m just bracing myself for pain sob

(ETA: oh this is bad.)

(ETA 2: by the way just to clarify, the above paragraphs were all written on Friday, and the rest of this recap+all ETAs were written the next day when I finally got to read the chapter! this is not important in any way whatsoever but now you know and that’s half the battle!)

“it’s time” holy shit finally lol. you all have been camped out over here for weeks now. not that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy each and every second of Miruko’s one-woman murder show, but it is nice to finally check in with you guys over here so we can get to work at last and I can get a better feel for who’s about to die. cuz someone here is dying guys

the chapter is called “I wanna be with the others!!” so. this is gonna be a Kaminari chapter isn’t it. I wonder what fresh new traitorous hijinks he’ll be getting up to this week. that detestable scoundrel

Mineta is being all weasel-y and reluctant, and honestly, I’m a bit annoyed. and for once it’s not directed at him! it’s like... how do I explain it. okay, so like, the manga is showing him being all cowardly and clearly not at all happy about being out here, and the fact that it’s Mineta doing it only adds to the general flavor of this being the wrong attitude to have and just a really shameful way of acting in general, because it’s Mineta and we all know Mineta is vile and so clearly he’s in the wrong here! the only thing is though, I actually don’t blame him even if he’s being a little shit about it, because the kids absolutely should not be here in the first place. are they strong? fuck yes. are they gonna end up being the ones to turn the tide once everything inevitably goes to shit, and thus the others are really goddamn lucky that they’re here? probably. does that make it right to conscript kids and send them out here to a soon-to-be war zone which the adults have very little control over meaning that some of these children will almost certainly be injured and traumatized and possibly even killed? nope! not right at all! no amount of “plus ultra” can justify this, folks. and “we get that it’s wrong but that’s just the fucked up times we live in” doesn’t actually justify it either, even if the HPSC seems to think so

but having said all that, there’s clearly nothing to be done about it at this point, and I’m about to enjoy this chapter of the kids presumably kicking ass even after all that whining, so I’ll just carefully climb down from my soapbox now. but I’m still keeping it handy just in case!

who the fuck is this Thundercats guy who looks like he was part of an old timey street gang in 1920s Chicago

lol can he hear the villain hotel being ripped in half over there in the distance

and speaking of hearing, Jirou is popping her earbuds into the ground to do some reconnaissance of her own I guess!

the heroes?? she better not mean the villains. oh lord I still don’t have the faintest idea how they’re planning on actually containing them all. well, brace yourselves everyone. here comes the shitshow

now Gangs of New York is making the most unnecessary speech in the history of this manga

were any of them actually going to be careless?? I’m pretty sure they understand the gravity of the situation my dude. and if they didn’t, I’d say that’s honestly on you guys and not on them because, again, they’re kids. and if you didn’t want a bunch of teenagers goofing off during your incredibly dangerous and vitally important do-or-die hero mission, then maybe you shouldn’t have brought a bunch of teenagers to your incredibly dangerous and vitally important do-or-die hero mission

“listen makeste are you just going to sit around all day bitching about my cardinal sin of daring to involve your precious little darlings in the actual plot,” the imaginary Horikoshi that sits around trying to keep these recaps from veering off track interjects. and okay fine

sob it feels wrong to see MomoJirou there without their Kaminari

(ETA: and there is Hagakure on the left, FYI. at least I think that’s her?)

their baby boy is all out there alone in the woods. is that why you were really listening, Jirou? you can tell me, I promise not to make a big deal about it

MOMO ARE YOU COMFORTING JIROU WHILE SHE OPENLY WORRIES ABOUT “TOKOYAMI”

I lied, I might make a big thing about it. what a beautiful March day for some OT3

MY INFANT SON!!

HE’S ONLY TWO YEARS OLD!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!? MIDNIGHT YOU BETTER KEEP HIM SAFE!! at least until he makes it back safely into the hands of his friends, the League of Villains

meanwhile here’s a fun tip, this manga gets 100x funnier if you scroll back up to that panel of Jirou being all serious and saying “they’re on the move” now that we know that this outburst is almost certainly what she was listening to lmao. “oh, Kaminari is crying, that must mean they’re getting started”

and here they go!!

who is that in the witch hat?? COULD THIS BE THE LEGENDARY MAJESTIC, AT LONG LAST? this person looks like they cobbled together their entire hero costume from Sero’s bedroom. just ransacked it and draped all of his tapestries and throw pillows every which way over some Adidas pants. goddammit who is this person, I need to know everything about them right now

DAMMIT MIDNIGHT

HE’S NOT OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE THOSE KIND OF DECISIONS GODDAMMIT. HE IS YOUNG AND PLIABLE!! WHAT DID YOU DO, OFFER HIM CANDY. DID YOU PROMISE YOU WOULD TAKE HIM TO CHUCK E. CHEESE AFTER IF HE WAS GOOD

SON OF A BITCH ARE YOU GUILTING HIM

I DON’T LIKE THIS, MIDNIGHT. I MEAN, YOU ALREADY KNOW, IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE MADE A BIG SECRET OF IT OR ANYTHING. GUH

and he’s shouting back “no I don’t think you adults are pathetic at all!” while still looking terrified! goddammit how do I cast protection on a fictional character in a manga. I don’t play D&D, but D&D players can do that, right? how do I create a shield around my party. Kaminari you stay put while I try and figure this all out

lmaoooooo Tokoyami’s words of encouragement

A MAGNIFICENT FELLOW. you guys I’m gonna be honest, lately I’ve been enjoying these fan scanlations even more than the official ones at times. obviously Viz’s are fine and good, but sometimes it’s almost like they localize everything a little too much, you know? most people don’t go around calling other people magnificent fellows, but would Tokoyami? yes. yes he would. I believe this in every fiber of my heart

LMAO KAMINARI

“KAMINARI, I REALIZED WHEN WE WERE PLAYING GUITAR TOGETHER... WAY TO WHITE-KNUCKLE THOSE SICK FRETS, HALEN.” thank you so much for that Tokoyami but we are kind of in the middle of something so I’m not sure if right now is really the time to start asking my boy here for his autograph. after, maybe

now Cementoss is literally screaming “ATTACK!” and throwing subtlety to the winds

and now we’re back to this!

and it looks like this is most likely Cementoss using his quirk to tear the building in half! so that’s one mystery from last week solved! holy shit you guys I just realized we’re actually going to see Cementoss in action. so long as the environment is right, dude is a literal earthbender. we may be in for a rare treat

Skeptic is shouting at his minions to alert the Council. it’s okay, Cementoss already alerted them for you I’m pretty sure

so he’s sending Violet and Black to the front entrance, and Cleveland and Carmine to the Assembly Hall (where the Council is). these, if you recall, are the names of the various Vanguard squads, though I don’t recall who is actually on which squad and I really don’t want to go back and look it up... but fine!

okay, Twice is on the Black squad and Dabi and Otter Pop are on Violet. so they’re being dispatched to the front, while Toga, Compress, Spinner, and Skeptic himself (how convenient for you Skeptic) are heading to the Assembly Hall. isn’t that nice that Dabi is heading out to the front, where my son Kaminari “Clapton” Denki is. hahaha. fuck

Lefty Hair is now making a sudden appearance and giving Skeptic some threatening “you majorly fucked up and the only reason I’m letting it slide for now is because we’ve got bigger things to worry about” vibes, which I like. also he has a cigarette. it’s been a while since I’ve seen a manga character actually smoke a cigarette. I guess only villains are allowed to smoke them now

YOU GUYS LOOK HOW FUCKING RAW CEMENTOSS LOOKS HERE HOLY SHIT

HOW MANY PEOPLE IS CEMENTOSS GOING TO KILL TODAY. place your bets. and is cement stronger than fire. please don’t die Cementoss

YOU GUYS HE FUCKING SLAMMED THE FUCKING BUILDING OPEN LIKE ARAGORN OPENING THOSE FUCKING DOUBLE DOORS IN THE TWO TOWERS. I KNOW YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SLAM A DOOR OPEN BUT ARE WE GOING TO SIT HERE AND ARGUE SEMANTICS ALL DAY OR ARE WE GOING TO KEEP READING??

ARE WE EVEN ALLOWED TO HAVE THIS MUCH BADASSERY IN A CHAPTER THAT DOESN’T HAVE MIRUKO IN IT. LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY FORGOT TO INFORM THE BADASSERY GUILD THAT THEIR UNION MEMBERS ARE WORKING OVERTIME. I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS METAPHOR I GOT TOO EXCITED

by the way I like how a key part of their “let’s contain all the villains” plan was to open up their secret HQ and spill them all out like a bunch of ants. everyone knows this is the best way to keep people contained. instead of stationing people outside of every exit, let’s just make the entire building into one giant exit and MELEE AWAY ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

who died and made Lefty the smartest guy in the room

if only they had all listened to you, Mister Smart Guy. you’re so smart. why didn’t they put you in charge. probably just because they were jealous

booooo it looks like Black and Violet are attacking but Twice and Dabi are nowhere to be found! because they’re part of the Council?? boooo

Best Sweaterist can do anything a sweater can do. it’s not a very good power. everyone was all “you look like the number 3 hero you must be really strong” and so she got promoted waaaaay above her skill level and it’s too late for her to do anything about it now so good luck Best Sweaterist

finally some people from the League!

but where is Hawks? AND WHY IS DABI HEADING THE OPPOSITE WAY AS EVERYONE ELSE HOLY SHIT

LOL HAWKS YOU BEST MAKE YOURSELF SCARCE MY DUDE. OH FUCK

(ETA: Dabi is either going to arrive just in time to save Twice, or just in time to witness Hawks murdering him, and I’m not sure which would be worse.)

OH MY GOD EDGESHOT GOT A LINE

I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT TO HEAR THIS WITH MY OWN TWO EARS IN THE ANIME. IT’S GONNA BE SO GREAT AH MAN. but real talk, Miruko should be above him in the power rankings. I’m sorry I don’t make the rules. but unless you kill three Noumus within the next few pages here I’d say it’s pretty clear cut

OH NO MY SIX-YEAR-OLD SON, MY POOR BABY, HE LOOKS SO FRIGHTENED NOW. LIKE GENUINELY AFRAID-FOR-HIS-LIFE FRIGHTENED AND NOT JUST COMICALLY FRIGHTENED OH MY GOD I CAN’T

Kaminari you sweet little lamb, it’s going to be okay. you just take a deep breath and zap some of these PLF fuckers and then you can go run and hide and you’ll be playing tacky arcade games and eating hit-or-miss-quality pizza before you know it

Kami is actually in a lot of danger here what with how helpless he gets after he uses too much of his quirk though. (unless of course you subscribe to the theory that he doesn’t actually go dumb at all and that’s when he’s secretly transmitting his traitor messages to the zetans.) whose fucking idea was it to put him on the front lines, honestly. he’s only four!!

fuck me, Midnight sees him panicking and she’s being all soothing and encouraging while also being ridiculously sexy as usual. dammit Midnight

hey Kaminari if you want to think about Momo and Jirou I’m not going to complain, I just want you to know that. you can even make it all platonic by just saying “my friends.” either way is fine and I will respect your smokescreen

ahh he’s turning around and the camera is zooming back to the woods where the rest of 1-A are!

the title of this chapter is becoming surprisingly meaningful!! well played!

WOW

I don’t even know what to say?! I basically just slapped both of my cheeks and said “AWWW” out loud?! would you fucking look at these two bisexual icons living it up in this the year of our lord 2020. what a blessing

oh hey this guy decided it was time for him to talk again

okay Kami I give you permission to go pikachu on his ass. go ahead and show us why the heroes went ahead and violated ILO conventions in order to bring you here

don’t tell me this guy is also an electric type. lol who could have guessed that, there were absolutely no clues at all in his hairstyle or anywhere else. I would definitely have noticed something like that because I definitely pay attention to these things lol

(ETA: and presumably the heroes knew the identities of the Vanguard squadron leaders thanks to Hawks, and knew they had to have some sort of plan in place for this guy’s quirk, hence them being all “hey Kaminari let’s talk.”)

anyway

OH SHIT YOU GUYS KAMINARI IS ABOUT TO BE A BADASS!?

MOTHERFUCKER WAS THAT A SHOUNEN WOOSH???! whaaaaaat oh shit everybody brace yourselves

and now a Tokoyami flashback to the two of them jamming like little hero Hendrixes

because he prioritized the health of his fingers beneath his desire to learn the guitar to help his friends perform, you realized he was truly a magnificent fellow. aw shit it’s all coming together

yep

look how evil that smile in the last panel is. clearly the traitor. probably this other electric man is his dad

USING AN ELECTRIC ATTACK AGAINST ANOTHER ELECTRIC TYPE CLEARLY WON’T WORK AND THUS THIS IS ONLY A FAKE ATTACK DESIGNED IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN HIS COVER!

LOOK HOW EVIL HE IS

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN A FIVE-YEAR-OLD HAVING THIS KIND OF RAW FIREPOWER UNLESS HE’S SECRETLY EVIL!??!

OH MY GOD I LITERALLY SAID “OH MY GOD” VERY LOUDLY IN REAL LIFE AND NOW I’M HOPING MY NEIGHBORS DIDN’T HEAR HOW LOUDLY AND EMBARASSINGLY I SAID “OH MY GOD”

FUUUUCK

just. it’s like this weird and crazy feeling that’s a combination of adrenaline and chills-rushing-up-your-spine. that’s the sensation of clicking to a page and suddenly seeing the thing we fucking knew was going to happen, but just because we knew doesn’t mean we actually wanted it to happen, shit

holy shit. does Jin have to die in order for the heroes to succeed? probably. do I want it to actually happen? NO. am I suddenly reevaluating every single thing I thought I knew about Hawks and mentally updating Jeanist’s presumed mortality status in my head?? yes. are Hawks’s eyes here going to give me nightmares for the entire coming week? also yes. am I really unsettled wondering if those eyes were the last thing Jeanist ever saw? listen why do you keep asking me all of these intrusive and deeply upsetting questions like I’m some kind of magic 8 ball?? am I going to be on the edge of my fucking seat now waiting for next week? fuck

JoJolion Chapter 95

And here we are at the most recent chapter, published in March of 2020.  I don’t know if there’s going to be an April edition of Ultra Jump, what with the coronavirus and all, and even if there were, I don’t know if JoJolion was going to be featured in that issue.    So for now, I’m caught up on JoJo, and this seems like a good place to be caught up to.  

Let me try to get all of this straight, so when future-me tries to sort all this out, he can read this post and have a refresher.  

Tsurugi is (apparently) dying, having succumbed to the curse that has plagued his family for generations.   

Norisuke (his grandfather) wanted to perform the same equivalent exchange sacrifice that his own mother had done to save him as a boy. 

Jobin (Tsurugi’s father) has other ideas, and has secured a branch from one of the Rokakaka plants.    This is often called the “New Rokakaka”.   I think that’s because:

Pre-JoJolion, Josefumi Kujo and Yoshikage Kira stole this branch and hid it in the Higashikata estate.   The idea being that they could graft it onto one of the trees on that orchard, and maybe that would give it some extra mojo to make the fruit capable of saving Kira’s mother.   I think that’s how it went down, but maybe I’m wrong.   Anyway, the Earthquake happened, the boys got fused together into Josuke, who had no memory of their earlier plan, so it took until like Chapter 70 for anyone to even find the branch and know what it was.   Josuke and Rai thought the Rock Humans captured it during the Poor Tom fight, but actually Jobin and Tsurugi got it, and Jobin’s been keeping it in the room where he houses his rhinoceros beetles.  

Only Yasuho suspected the truth, that the Rock Humans didn’t capture the branch, so she went to the Higashikata home to try to find it, while Josuke tried to pursue the final Rock Human, Afeku Satoru, Head Doctor of the TGU Hospital.    (I assume Dr. Satoru is a Rock Human, since all of his dead partners were Rock Humans, and they don’t trust outsiders). 

Funnily enough, while Josuke’s been struggling to pursue Satoru, Satoru has been pursuing the branch.   Somehow, he seems to be able to bi-locate, appearing at the Higashikata estate while he does his business at TGUH.   This is probably an effect of his Bullshit Stand, which automatically attacks people who try to approach him or see his face.  

The last we saw of Josuke, Holly healed his wounds with Rokakaka juice and gave him some pointers on dealing with the Head Doctor’s Stand.   Then she passed out.    Josuke then hired a bike courier to deliver a package for him.   I kind of hope is was a letter to the Head Doctor that says “I’m gonna kick your ass, Sincerely, JoJo Fourballz.”

Meanwhile, Yasuho’s been getting her ass kicked.   She sent her Stand, Paisley Park inside the Higashikata house to search for the Branch, but Jobin caught her and trapped PP in the toilet.   At the same time, Dr. Satoru’s Stand was attacking Yasuho herself, and her arm got lopped off.  

Fortunately, all of this came to a head in this chapter, when Norisuke finally finds out about Jobin having the branch and pulls Paisley Park out of the toilet, allowing her to return to Yasuho.   

Briefly, Norisuke is willing to consider Jobin’s plan to save Tsurugi with the Branch’s fruit, but he uses his Stand (King Nothing) to investigate a little, and discovers that the Branch was handled by Ojiro Sasame, the same guy who was reported dead in the newspaper earlier.  So now the whole family knows that Jobin killed people to make his plan work.   

And so Jobin then attacked his father with his Stand (Speed King).    It’s strongly implied that this killed Norisuke, but he used a similar attack on Yasuho about fifty chapters back, and it just knocked her out, so maybe Norisuke is still alive, but it doesn’t look like it.   

As things currently stand, Jobin looks to be taking over the family.   His wife seems to be on his side, though mostly out of shock and fear.    His brother and sisters don’t know what to do, so they’re just sort of standing around like they have been for most of Part 8.  

So I’m guessing things are heading to a climactic showdown here.   Pretty sure Josuke is on his way to the Higashikata home, because he’s decided that the branch must be there after all.     Dr. Satoru is already there, although only Yasuho and Mitsuba seem to understand what that means.    I think Jobin is hoping he can get the fruit to ripen before the Head Doctor can do anything, or maybe he doesn’t recognize him as a threat.   

Other possible players:

Kyo Nijumura: She may even be on the grounds, since she’s been posing as the family’s maid the whole time.    She’s actually Holly’s daughter, working undercover to dig up information on the Higashikata family, but I don’t think we’ve seen her much since that secret was revealed.   Did she quit the job?   What has she been doing ever since? 

Rai Mamezuku: The Plant Appraiser.   He only got involved because Josuke needed someone to help find the branch and take care of it until it fruited, and that seems to be a formality at this point.  

Kaato Higashikata: Norisuke’s estranged wife, recently released from prison after the murder conviction that followed her saving Jobin from the curse.   Hard to believe she’d just sit this thing out.  We don’t even know what her Stand is called, so it’s hard to believe Araki introduced this lady just to leave it there.   

Karera Sakunami: Kind of the counterexample to Kaato.   Karera knows a lot less about what’s going on, and she seemed to have a closure on her role in the story, so I’d be surprised to see her show up again.    But she’s out there, and loyal to Josuke, to some extent.

Tooru: This guy’s barely done anything except hint that he got to third base with Yasuho while they were in high school.   But he seems to have some sort of ties with Dr. Satoru, so maybe he’s important.   Personally, I think he’s just there to add flavor to the Josuke/Yasuho romance.    Karera served a similar role earlier on, showing up as an old flame (?) of Josuke’s, and now we have Tooru playing the same role for Yasuho.   Anyway, fuck this guy.    I hate him.  

Dio Brando: What’s nuts about Part 8 is that it has absolutely nothing to do with Dio.    At all.  Part 2 at least mentioned him a lot, and Part 5 starred his son, but in Part 8 they ran out of Dio in 1890, so no one even knows to bring him up.   I don’t buy it, personally.   He’ll show up in Chapter 100 and reveal that he was the secret mastermind of this whole thing.   Then he’ll turn everyone into vampire dinosaurs.   

866

What year were you born? 1998.

What holiday is closest to your birthday? I’d say Easter. Last year it even fell on the exact day of my birthday.

What is your name if you spell it without the letters "e" "y" and "t"? Robn.

If you named a band after your birth-month and your pet, what would it be? It would either be April Cooper or April Kimi...I feel like the first one would only remind people of Alice Cooper lmao, and the second one doesn’t have enough oomph I think.

Who is your 9th contact in your phone? Aw it’s Angela heheh.

Have you had your birthday yet this year? Yes. It was during the peak of the lockdown but I’m really glad things fell into place that day. My parents got me a cheesecake (the store only had blueberry, but mom scraped the blueberry stuff off and my sister grated Oreos on top to make it an Oreo cheesecake) and Angela surprised me with a box of all my favorite sushi. :)

How old will you be in 5 years? I will beeeeeee 27. That age has always freaked me out because that’s how old my parents were when they had me, and I am nowhere near that point.

How about in 20 years? 42.

Where was the last place you went? The living room to put Cooper back in his crate for a bit. Playtime exhausted me haha.

Do you have a twin? Nah. My only experiences with twins is that I went to school with several sets of them, but twins don’t run in either family.

What was the last movie you watched? Ah shoot this is gonna be crazy embarrassing but I recently watched that really bad Cat in the Hat film with Mike Myers...I CAN EXPLAIN hahaha there was a Cat in the Hat meme I saw on Twitter and I realized I haven’t seen the movie in like 16 years. I looked it up on YouTube expecting to watch a few scenes but I was surprised to find the entire movie uploaded, so that’s how I killed 1.5 hours the other day lmao.

Are you afraid of shots? Terrified of them. I made a tiny scene when I had to go to the hospital last May and I watched as the nurse prepared the stuff needed for my blood test. I can’t imagine how I’d be if I ever needed a shot as an adult, lol.

What color are the walls of the room you are in? Again, white.

How many letters are in your middle name? Five.

Is your last name longer than 6 letters long? Nope, it’s exactly that many letters long.

If you were in an accident, would you rather lose a hand or an ear? I feel like any answer I pick would be potentially offensive but uh I’d go with ear. I have pretty bad hearing on my right ear as it is so I wouldn’t have to adjust as much as I would have to if I suddenly lost a hand.

Have you ever dyed your hair an unnatural color? I’ve never dyed my hair. I gotta say though, college has this way of making you feel left out if you don’t ever ride the waves of trends like these, but thankfully I never felt pressured to dye my hair or get a nose piercing or try drugs or whatever.

If a gorilla and a horse had a baby, what would the new creature be called? Gorse sounds hilarious, I’ll go with that.

Does anyone call you baby? Yes.

Regular Cheetos or hot? I like the jalapeño ones. The flaming hot Cheetos look so unappetizing to me...

How's your heart lately? I think it’s just really bored around the house at this point.

Favorite fruit? Avocado(-flavored stuff).

Are you scared of spiders? I hate that they move so fast it looks like they jump from one spot to another, I’ll say that. But I’m not necessarily scared of them? though I think it’s because we have much smaller spiders here.

Do you have a piercing? I have ear piercings that haven’t been used in 12 years. By some miracle both are still open, though.

If someone doesn't like you, its usually because...? Probably because I bitched them out at one point.

Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? Only if there’s something uncomfortable happening outside is the best way I can describe it. Like if the sun is too bright or if there are too many mosquitoes flying around my face at night.

How long does it take for you to take a shower? 7-15 minutes.

Do you like being around a large group of friends, or two best friends? I have both scenarios and I don’t know if I have any preference, honestly. In both circumstances I’m with friends, and that’s really all I need to have a good time.

Whose birthday is coming up? JM’s was yesterday, though I’m not really sure who among the people I know will have their birthday next. The earliest next birthday I can think of is my girlfriend’s sister’s, but that’s not until next month.

Do you like roller coasters? Hate them.

Do you have a tattoo? Nah. Still gathering up the courage to face the needle.

What is wrong with you right now? I’m at a new chapter in my life and still a little scared to start scribbling on it yet, and the pandemic is just putting some more fuel onto that fear.

What was the last movie you went to? Knives Out.

Do you care what others think about you? Only when it comes to someone whose opinions I value, like my best friends. They don’t just blurt stuff out to me so if they pull me aside and tell me if I’m being a shitty person or generally not being my best, that’s the only time I’ll listen and care.

Do think you'll be married in 10 years? Yes. I’d want to be by then, that’s for sure. Are you afraid of the dark? If it’s meant to be scary, like a Halloween house attraction.

Do you like your life at the moment? I can’t complain, considering how many others are living in more unfortunate circumstances now. It could be better obviously, but I know better than to complain.

Where were you last night? I was at home and had an early night because I was sleepier than usual.

What kind of shirt are you wearing? Black tank top.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you? My dad, my grandpas, and Andrew are the only people to come to mind.

What are you afraid of the most? Losing the people that I love. < This, failure, and rejection.

When's the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Around two Mondays ago.

Do you have a crush on someone? Yup.

When is your birthday? April 21st.

What are you doing tonight? Same old, I guess. I’ll be doing some puppysitting and probably finding something to watch on YouTube, and maybe a survey or two.

Describe life in one word: Wild.

What happened at 10:00 am today? Cooper was napping, so I took one as well to recharge and to be ready for whenever he got up.

50 questions you’ve never been asked

Tagged by @theatre-steph. Thanks, Steph! 💖

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?: Red.

2. Name a food you never eat?: Mushroom. The taste and texture? 🤢

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?: Too warm. And I hate being hot, lol.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?: Editing an essay for my physics class.

5. What is your favourite candy bar?: Ghirardelli’s Dark Chocolate and Raspberry.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?: A Yankees game in NYC. Aaron Judge almost hit the ball right out of the park, and it was awesome.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud?: “Our bathroom is flooding!” (My landlords were doing laundry upstairs and it overflowed into and then over my bathroom sink.)

8. What is your favourite ice cream?: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?: Water.

10. Do you like your wallet?: Yes! It was a gift and the pattern is the stained glass scene from the animated Beauty and the Beast. There’s also a matching purse.

11. What was the last thing you ate?: Homemade Beer Cheese Baked Mac and Cheese. 😋

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?: I haven’t bought new clothes in like over 4 weeks.

13. The last sporting event you watched?: The Super Bowl. I read through most of it. 😂

14. What is your favourite flavour of popcorn?: Does kettle corn count as a flavor? 😅

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?: One of my best friends.

16. Ever go camping?: No, but I’m dying to.

17. Do you take vitamins?: Everyday.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?: I do not.

19. Do you have a tan?: I actually tan very easily, so I always have some variation of a farmer’s tan. I should just give in and go tanning so it’s all even, but I really don’t want skin cancer. 🤷🏼‍♀️

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?: Right now, Chinese food sounds better. I really want an egg roll. 😂 Another day I might say pizza.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?: If it’s in a glass, yes. Can or bottle, no.

22. What colour socks do you usually wear?: I’m obsessed with cute socks, so they’re all sorts of colors and patterns, lol. Today I had Luna (from Sailor Moon) socks on.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?: Yes, but rarely. I’m a grandma driver.

24. What terrifies you?: Bugs!!! 😱

25. Look to your left, what do you see?: A pile of books I’m reading. Hand sanitizer. Aquaphor. Tissues. Headphones. Cough drops. A notebook and pen. Basically an arsenal. 😂

26. What chore do you hate?: Dishes without a dishwasher.

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?: I get excited because it’s so different from what I’m used to hearing in my daily life, haha.

28. What’s your favourite soda?: Cream soda. Oooo and Butterbeer soda, which is like cream soda, just more butterscotchy. Also Pepsi over Coke. Fight me. 🤪

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?: Drive-thrus. I hate going in.

30. Who’s the last person you talked to?: My partner. He’s listing random movies to see if I’ve seen them (I have not and don’t want to and I’m trying to read and answer these questions, so can he please shoosh? 🤣)

31. Favourite cut of beef?: I’m not a huge fan of beef, but if I do eat it, I prefer super thin and well done steak. I have no idea what cut. Basically, whatever’s the thinnest, lol. I don’t like when it’s fatty. 🤢

32. Last song you listened to?: Someone You Loved. I’m obsessed with Lewis Capaldi’s voice. 😍

33. Last book you read?: Recently finished The Last Magician (SO GOOD), The Enchanted April (would have DNFed if it wasn’t for a book club), and The Neverending Story (I loved it...and learned the movie only covers the first half of the book!!).

34. Favourite day of the week?: Usually Friday, but what even is time now?

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?: If I think about it, sure. And slowly.

36. How do you like your ☕️?: Light and sweet. Sometimes black with sweetener.

37. Favourite pair of shoes?: My nude ankle boots. I wear them everyday.

38. The time you normally go to sleep?: I’m a night owl, so late.

39. The time you normally get up?: Usually, I need to be up for work at 5 AM everyday (I teach kids overseas, so yay time zone differences). Sometimes I go back to sleep when I’m done teaching.

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?: Sunsets. But a good sunrise can be cleansing.

41. How many blankets on your bed?: Currently four. My cats like them. 😅

42. Describe your kitchen plates: Square and turquoise and brown and black...the pattern is meant to look like a rough gemstone.

43. Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?: Midori Sours are my favorite. I also love Moscato.

44. Do you play cards?: If by cards you mean Cards Against Humanity, then yes. Poker? Nope and no thanks. I find it boring.

45. What colour is your car?: It’s called Black Currant. It’s like a dark purple.

46. Can you change a tire?: Nope. My sister-in-law did try to show me when I was younger...but I didn’t pay attention. Hence why I have AAA.

47. Your favourite province?: It’s states here, so...Hawaii (dying to visit) and The Berkshires in MA (they have the BEST hiking trails. So gorgeous!).

48. Favourite job you’ve ever had?: My current one. I’m a remote ESL teacher.

49. How did you get your biggest scar?: I was trying to put a collar on one my two rescue kittens. She was really skittish and still needed to be better socialized, aaand she bit me. It went really deep. I was in the hospital for three days and had to keep the wound open for a month. It was gross. 😂 I still can’t bend my finger all the way down, lol. She was worth it, though. After some time and patience, she’s now the most affectionate lap kitty and loves to talk to us. 💖

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy?: Stuck up for a friend, like you do.

Tagging: @howmuchistoomuchgsw (and anyone else that wants to do it!)

Cat rich and lonely

So I made a pact with a special someone to write every day for a month. Very few constraints or expectations, really. And nothing on my calendar the first day of the pact. And yet here it is, after 9 pm on day one, and I haven’t written a thing and all I want to do is flop down in bed and sleep until it’s another day. I could write about the 3 hour walk I took today, and the 3 cats who graced me with their presence all  at once (truly a Tacoma-flavored treat, especially underneath the April cherry blossoms, as it was). That would be easy. There was the brown-black-white floofy pregnant mama cat whom I named Snickers, and her beau the tuxedo cat, dubbed here Mr. Bigglesworth. They clearly had some jive to jive with each other, and Snickers was a jealous lover, ambling over immediately as soon as attention shifted to Mr. Big (or, god forbid, the third cat, a polydactyl orange number who was suspicious enough of these two’s affair to stay at a respectful distance, miss out though he might on pets). 

That would be easy. But what’s actually been on my mind today, and is not easy, is my dad. His birthday is tomorrow. He would have been 68 years old. Instead, he is barely 3 months dead, killed by a cancer about which he would talk to nobody. He died alone in a hospital room. I was on my way to say goodbye but did not make it in time. Initially that felt like a true personal failure - how could I have not seen the signs, read the writing on the wall and heard the nervous calls from my sister more clearly, earlier, in time? And yet when I voiced despair at my dad not even knowing I was on the way to see him at the end, let alone actually saying goodbye, my sister suggested that he probably wanted it that way. Wanted to pass away alone, without burdening others too much, without interrupting anybody’s day. At the time, I accepted this as true, mostly because it was an easier way to smooth that emotional path in the short term. In hindsight though, my easy acceptance of that is hard to swallow because it shines a light on two very relevant things: 1) my father was extraordinarily lonely and 2) I knew it. Not only did I know it, I somehow managed to morph it into something I could not assist with. Because I got “too bored” when I would try and talk to him and all he wanted to talk about now was the latest construction on the new Meow Wolf they were putting up in Denver, or the most current reason the train to the airport was having troubles. I was regularly irritated by these seemingly mundane attempts at conversation, so much so that I spent a lot of time actively avoiding talking to him (and stressing about the fact that I was actively avoiding talking to him). The heavy benefit of hindsight as well as my own current confrontation with loneliness and isolation brings a clearer vision (or admission?) that it wasn’t that my dad didn’t have the capacity for deeper or more meaningful conversation, or that he didn’t want it - it’s that he had so little of ANY type of conversation or human interaction that it was likely hard to jump into the deep end of that, even at the rare times it may present itself, even if it’s something you maybe want, deep down. If you go days and days (weeks?)  without speaking to anyone, you’ll probably be hard pressed to hop on the phone and immediately spill your deepest fears about dying, ask for help with navigating medical bills, or admit to the pain you’re in physically. 

I was on the phone with my best friend the other evening (one of the very few people I ever call out of the blue), and it was about to be dinner time in Denver (her locale). Our conversation, therefore, consisted at least 60% of me listening to her talking to her son about what he could and could not snack on, interfacing with her partner about how to replace a vacuum filter, while the crashes and bangs of her preparing dinner created a cacophony  in the background all the while. One could not call it a deep conversation. We uncovered no truths about the universe and honestly not much we spoke of was of much more “true interest” than the construction of Meow Wolf. In fact much of it wasn’t even conversation, but just being. Being together, as much as we could, while very far apart. It’s what I needed. It’s what she needed. It’s how we likely would have been interacting if I had been there physically. The real-life setting of actual human interaction isn’t linear, it’s not line-by-line dialogue, and it doesn’t exist only to isolate and solve the deepest quandaries of our existence. Instead, it’s messy and loud, it’s not about anything in particular, and it’s also about everything at once. Being with people. Knowing and hearing people. Being known and heard. Heard, even if what you want (are able) to talk about is the train to DIA. 

I am learning, over and over again, how much those little interactions can matter. In dark moments I can feel myself pull away from them, hear the voices in my head that tell me I’m only worth interacting with if I can come with a joke, buoyant energy, and an astute observation about the world. When I turn back to those moments and allow them to hold me, even briefly, in their subtle way, I am somehow surprised every time that I feel better. More human. Problems not solved, complications not banished, but human. 

I’m under no delusion that I could have or should have solved my father’s isolation and loneliness. Nor can I reasonably claim to actually understand his total experience. I can, however, deeply relate to some of what I believe him to have confronted (and there is a whole novel to be written about parallel or mirrored paths in this realm, but that’s for another day). I also know that the experience of aloneness or the becoming thereof is not such an abstract and distant concept that it is totally out of one’s control. One makes choices every day about what to prioritize, and how. I want to believe that choosing to bend to the pull towards isolation on any given day is just that - a choice. It certainly doesn’t always feel that way, but I aim to remember that I can instead choose to talk to someone about any little thing, and remember that such conversations matter. That they feel good. And that damn do I wish I could talk to my dad about railroad tracks again.

Get to know me Tag

Wow this took longer then I thought it would! But thank you so much for tagging me @cruelhumanbean & @cloud-9-sims!  I’m gonna tag @deathbyhysteria, @rethasim, @shellisims and @king-mikeyy! I loved updating my simself. It has been a while but I still think she is way to pretty. I just can’t make real people. Then there are 125 questions answered in the cut down below! So it’s a long list!

1. what is your name? Daisy (Officially Dasy. My dad forgot the i -_-’)

2. what is your nickname? Dezem, Dees, Dee, Esseborre... anymore...

3. birthday? April 24 1990

4. what is your favorite book series? Harry potter... Or does Manga count? Then Skip Beat!

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Aliens Yes! Ghost not really. 

6. who is your favorite author? UHM... I don’t like reading books. I’m dyslectic so the only reading I do is Manga and webcomics. For that I really like Yoshiki Nakamura. (from skip beat)

7. what is your favorite radio station? Veronica!

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything? Anything spicy!

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? In English - Awesome and in Dutch - Super... I know it’s also a english word but it’s used a bit different 

10. what is your current favorite song The sound of Silence - Disturbed

11. what is your favorite word? Inevitable. It has a nice tongue feel... Idk... Oh and In Dutch - Schatig. It means cute but it sounds really harsh for people that don’t speak Dutch.

12. what was the last song you listened to? Freak on a leash - Korn

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Battle star Galactica!!  Walking Dead Lucifer                          Supernatural Game of thrones          New Girl Dexter                          Friends More?

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny it always cheers me up!

15. do you play video games? Uhmm... YES! 

16. what is your biggest fear? Being alone

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion? I know what I want and do whatever I can to get it. 

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion? Being afraid of change. Being a control freak. Being a perfectionist

9. do you like cats or dogs better? CATS! I’m kinda afraid of dogs... pictures are cute tho:P

20. what is your favorite season? Spring I guess. Not to warm and hopefully dry. Everything get green:)

21. are you in a relationship? Yes uhm... 7 years now. And a kid of 4 (almost).

22. what is something you miss from your childhood? Believing in the good and magical things.

23. who is your best friend? Nouk! (Not her real name her nickname tho)

24. what is your eye color? Brown

25. what is your hair color? Naturally Brown... But I change it a lot!

26. who is someone you love? Hubby, Son, Mom, Dad, Stepdad, Stepmom, Siblings, Grandpa’s, Grandma’s, Nouk, And a lot more!

27. who is someone you trust? Hubby, Mom, Stepdad, Nouk.

28. who is someone you think about often? Rn? Uhm My little brother and grandpa. They are not doing so well.

29. are you currently excited about/for something? Yes! My son is about to turn 4 so after the winter/Christmas vacation he will be going to elementary school!

30. what is your biggest obsession? Tbh... Sims... haha I just think about what when how all the time:P

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child? Telekids!! It was a dutch kids gameshow between two school and in between cartoons! On Saturday morning!

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? Well my hubby!

33. are you superstitious? Not really. I do know a lot so I pretend to be sometimes when it is convenient.  

34. do you have any unusual phobias? No!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Oh actually I like both! I like seeing pictures of the past because it brings back memories. But I do like taking pictures as well. And to be fair. I’m not good at both hahaha

36. what is your favorite hobby? Gaming!

37. what was the last book you read? The Hobbit

38. what was the last movie you watched? The new Incredibles! Is was... SUPER! 

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any? I play guitar, bass and drums. Bass best tho! I got a piano now so I’m trying to learn that if and when I have some time.

40. what is your favorite animal? Cats! 

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow? Oh god... I always feel horrible doing this. Because it changes all the time and well I like many more as 5. But okay let just do it! @cosmic-espie @pink-chevalier @brisberries @wildlyminiaturesandwich @plumpug. Okay yeah... There are many more! 

42. what superpower do you wish you had? Reading someones mind. Easier to know if someone lied.

43. when and where do you feel most at peace? At home.

44. what makes you smile? Weird stuff my son says or does.

45. what sports do you play, if any? I used to dance! Ballet, Jazz, Modern and Hip-hop... But can’t anymore.. Classical ballet is hell for your knees!

46. what is your favorite drink? A coke! (My addiction) 

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? I can’t remember!

48. are you afraid of heights? Used to be. Then I went bungee jumping with a height of 169 meters (555 ft) and now I’m not afraid anymore!! (this is the bungee jump video is not me picture is tho!)

49. what is your biggest pet peeve? When I’m at work and people start with a question instead of saying hello first or don’t look at me at all when checking their tickets!

50. have you ever been to a concert? Yeah! Greenday, Paramore, Billy talent, My chemical romance, Iron Maiden, Doe Maar and Infinite(in paris!) 

51. are you vegan/vegetarian? That’s a def no... 

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in? The Dragon ball Universe! 

54. what is something you worry about? The health of my grandpa and little brother. 

55. are you scared of the dark? No, I prefer the dark... 

56. do you like to sing? Yes! I was never allowed to sing in the band tho.. I was allowed to scream tho!

57. have you ever skipped school? Yeah.... Sssssst don’t tell my mom. She still doesn’t know. ;)

58. what is your favorite place on the planet? Home <3

59. where would you like to live? Where I live now. 

60. do you have any pets? Yes!

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night Owl!

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets! If I ever see a sunrises someone will be dying... (the one that woke me up that early!)

63. do you know how to drive? Yeaaaasssss! I LOVE DRIVING! and yes also with a gearbox!!

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones? In-ear earbuds!

65. have you ever had braces? No!

66. what is your favorite genre of music? Rock!

67. who is your hero? My mom!

68. do you read comic books? Web comics (rn the gamer and dice) and manga!

69. what makes you the most angry? People who did something wrong and then blame you.

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Electronic. Real books are to heavy to take a lot of with you.

71. what was your favorite subject in school? Math and science!

72. do you have any siblings? Yes! Sister at my Moms and a Brother and Sister at my Dads!

73. what was the last thing you bought? Food:p But uhm as of last fun thing was the cam for the facecam on streams!

74. how tall are you? 171 cm (5′7 is that right?)

75. can you cook? Somewhat... I like cooking but I usually work during dinner time so don’t do it to often.

76. what are three things that you love? My family (incl my own and my parents, siblings and grandparents) Playing games (incl sims, final fantasy, dragon quest and stardew) My roomba! (I hate vacuuming) 

77. what are three things that you hate? Liars  Cleaning Waking up early

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends? I think male...

79. what is your sexual orientation? I’m straight.

80. where do you currently live? The Netherlands (HOLLAND HOLLAND HOLLAND) ;)

81. who was the last person you texted? My hubby!

82. when was the last time you cried? Today.... hahaha I hurt my back still went to work. Got worse and at the end of my shift I could barely walk. I felt like a wuss and that made me cry. 

83. who is your favorite youtuber? MATPAT (game theorists) Jen (xurbansimsx) Mage Masher and Jacksepticeye

84. do you like to take selfies? Sometimes...

85. what is your favorite app? Webtoons

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Very good

87. what is your favorite foreign accent? German

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Seoul and Kyoto 

89. what is your favorite number? 4

90. can you juggle? No

91. are you religious? No (Maybe the flying spaghetti monster tho)

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? OUTER SPACE! I love space! I’m a bit scared of the ocean tho

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? No BUT if needed I will be. 

94. are you allergic to anything? No

95. can you curl your tongue? Yes :P

96. can you wiggle your ears? Yes that too! (Just checked btw)

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something? Not that often... If proven wrong I would tho.

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach? Forest

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? It will always be darkest just before it will get lighter again. (no matter how awful things seem it will get better)

100. are you a good liar? A very good liar... 

101. what is your hogwarts house? Gryffindor

102. do you talk to yourself? All the time!

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert? Both... I guess.. But more Extrovert.

104. do you keep a journal/diary? Nooooo I can’t! And if I do it’s for 2 weeks and then I forget!

105. do you believe in second chances? Yes but not in third.

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Give it to the police.. I can’t keep it because I would feel bad...

107. do you believe that people are capable of change? Change... Not really. However I do believe in the adaptability of people. 

108. are you ticklish? Yes... unfortunately... 

109. have you ever been on a plane? Yes to Spain, Hungary, Italy and Malta

110. do you have any piercings? Yes I had more. Did you know if you get pregnant your body can just resist them? I lost 5 piercings because of that but gained a lovely little boy so everything is good. <3

111. what fictional character do you wish was real? Oeee this is hard... there are so many. But uh let me just say Gohan. I just love him. Strong, kind and smart. (Also my first crush when I was young hahaha)

112. do you have any tattoos? Yes 3! And I want so many MORE!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Changing jobs! 

114. do you believe in karma? No... I don’t believe in anything I can’t see or can’t be proven my science. 

115. do you wear glasses or contacts? Glasses

116. do you want children? I got a kid already hahaha but Yes I would like a second child at some point.

117. who is the smartest person you know? I think it would be my sister @galaxymiep! She can do stuff I could never do. <3

118. what is your most embarrassing memory? Oh Idk... I’m not embarrassed easily. But I think I would be when my workpants had a hole in it and I didn’t notice until someone told me... 

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter? So many times.

120. what colour are most of you clothes? Black

121. do you like adventures? Not really. I had my adventures days. I’m boring now hahaha

122. have you ever been on tv? UHmm... Yes... Local tv station about concrete blocks. Why?

123. how old are you? Old... hahaha I’m 28

124. what is your favorite movie quote? From the movie Moulin Rouge: “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

125. sweet or savory? Depends on my mood. But mostly Savory!

Happy Birthday! TMNT x Reader.

There are so many questions about the turtle's birthdays. ~When do they celebrate? When the turtle's were kids, they all celebrated together. It was one big party, a slice of cake for each turtle tot, and a handful of presents for them. They loved this tradition and still do it, all getting together on the day they became a family. But each turtle got his own day too and he got to pick it. Leonardo chose January 26, Donatello picked May 17, Mikey decided on October 30 , and Raph picked August 20. Each turtle has his own reason of course. Leonardo loves winter and the cold that comes with it. It's dangerous for him to love it too much (being cold blooded and all) so he enjoys it with a small, simple party. He picked the date just like that And then went about his business. Donatello was a little bit more picky then his brothers, it was harder for him to decide on a date. Summer is too hot, winter is too cold, fall isn't much better either. But spring? Spring is just right. Perfect weather, the world comes alive, plus they occasionally go camping to celebrate his birthday! Michelangelo picked October for one reason: Halloween. It's his second favorite holiday (the kid loves himself some Christmas cheer) and there are all sorts of parties going on during that day. When he was a kid, he liked to pretend that the parties were for him and that everyone in the world loved him enough to wear costumes and give out candy. But now that he's older? Raphael loves summer. The heat can be too much for the turtle but he an actual reason to pick it (even though he claimed he just glanced at the calender). Raph has always wanted to go to the beach. To feel the same between his toes, swim in the salty water. It's secretly a big dream of his. He prefers to sneak out to a wicked party instead! What kind of party do they want? They don't need anything big really, even if they have secretly dreamed of it. Leo wants a nice dinner with his family, vanilla cake and ice cream (his favorites, Mikey is so disgusted by this. "There are over a thousand flavors! Who picks vanilla bro??"), and a few gifts. Donnie wants a little party, with something fall. When they were kids, they would have a pretend campout, stringing blankets around the Lair. But now, they can actually go camping where they have a picnic and a chocolate cake. Mikey wants a big larty, inviting all the friends that could come. He's actually always wanted a big surprise party, where everybody runs out screaming "Happy Birthday!" He wants a big ice cream sundae, with everything on it, and a chocolate cake. Raphael just wants to hang out with his brothers. No training, no missions, just them hanging out. Raph doesn't have much of a sweet tooth, he would rather have a birthday pizza! What gifts would they get? There are things they all like and would share with each other (movies, video games, and CD's. Leo and Donnie share books, Raph and Mikey share comics and rap albums) and things they want for themselves. Leonardo wants books on Japanese culture and myths, along with poetry collections and philosophy books. Things to takes care of his bonsai trees, calligraphy sets, and ninja stuff. Donatello wants books (about EVERYTHING. But mostly science, text books, and fiction novels), gadgets and gear, things to write with, and he's been dying for a new telescope. Raphael wants movies (mostly horror and action stuff), comic books, action figures, and CD's. He likes workout stuff too, he shares a lot of his stuff with Mikey. Michelangelo wants comics, video games, CD's and most off all? Art stuff. Paints, sketchbooks, pens and markers, color pencils, all of it. What gifts do they give? It was hard (and it still can be) to get gifts for each other, for years the turtle's never had anything new. They might ask you or April to get something for them or, if they can, go in disguise to get it themselves. Leo and Raph will just ask the others what they want, Donnie already knows, but Mikey wants to surprise his brothers. He also enjoys getting them a joke gift (something stupid, like toy snakes that spring up at them or a box of colorful condems when they start dating) and a real gift. They all do pretty well, but Mikey and Don do the best. But, you might ask, what about your birthday? Two little words: Pure panic. The turtles haven't dated before and they are super afraid of screwing it up. Leo would put a lot of pressure on himself to do it perfectly, Raph would just panic on the inside but try to act cool about it, and both Donnie and Mikey would try to drop hints. I can imagine them attempting to do something big and romantic only to fail miserably! But they still end up having a good time with you...

Hey can you answer all 64 questions for me? Thanks 😘

I’d like to thank @unluckymess for indulging me, and my need to lay myself bare on the internet and talk a bunch, you’re the real MVP, an excellent friend. 😚

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? Mm yes, in a way. I like to have my bases covered so, I believe that I’m not real, and I believe that I am real but in a simulation and I can believe that I’m not real and still in a simulation and I can believe that no one is real and I can believe that only the simulation is real and I can believe that everything is real and I can believe that simulations aren’t real etc. So, sorta.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? 3. But I’m not afraid of the dark, I love the dark, it’s the people that misuse the dark that I pity and loathe. The dark is comforting, and natural– I love the dark.

3. The person you would never want to meet? Let’s be honest, Mr. Cheeto-Fingers #notmypresident guy is the most distateful man I’ve had the pleasure of never meeting. I’d like to keep it that way.

4. What is your favorite word? Settlement. Someone asked what my favorite word was in oh 8th grade? and my mind scrambled and said settlement and I stand by that brain scramble lol.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? There’s a Celtic thing that says Hazel and there’s an astrology thing that says Pine mm however, I’d want to be a Peach tree v:

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? Can I brush my teeth later :“)

7. What shirt are you wearing? A pale pink tee that says “Nevermore” in antique lettering and has a Raven opening it’s beak to caw.

8. What do you label yourself as? THE Boring Princess. San THE Bore. I own my dullness, I enjoy my royal duties in the Boring kingdom.

9. Bright room or dark room? D a r k but with a pink antique garden quilt covered in flowers and blackout/ lace curtains and dark wood furniture and glass end tables and ceramic vases in olive and navy filled with dahlias and white silk flowers.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Reading. Messaging @barnsburntdownnow @silver9mm (I adore you ma'am)

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? 16 was a good age, graduating high school and being District Spelling Champion has been the highlight of my life so far ;)

12. Who told you they loved you last? @unluckymess and I love you as well 😇

13. Your worst enemy? Evita Perón said Time, but I don’t want to plagiarize. I have to say, energy then?

14. What is your current desktop picture? My pup, he’s turning seven on December 11th!

15. Do you like someone? Sure I like a lot of people :) but I’m not attracted? to anyone really, since I’m abstinent until marriage and real commitment-phobic so 😅

16. The last song you listened to? The Most Peculiar Day of Your Life by the Hoosiers. (my third favorite band)

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? myself, probably

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Also myself le mao.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? I’d choose Kim Jong Un and I’d have him sign over the dictatorship of North Korea over to me and get those people some gotdamn internet and H-E-Bs.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) my eyes are pretty expressive, I’ve been told.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? I’d probably be really scruffy, with curly hair, tortoiseshell glasses, and be real sweet. I’d go to several bookstores, chew on my pen cap, mope about looking artsy, I’d cry a lot, and probably blog about toxic masculinity. I’d try out the whole masturbation as a guy thing and also the whole prostate thing, and then get drunk at a bar.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? Nope. Everyone knows everything about me at this point le mao.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Getting exactly what I want? Is that unique? Mm dying and the headstone people misspelling my name so my gravesite/cremation urn says Sam Hernandez. Ugh.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. !!! My go-to, is whole grain bread, egg white, spinach, mozzarella, parmesan, green bell pepper, tomato, cucumber, mushroom, and ground black pepper.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? I’m going to give it to my mum, so she can gas up her car ^^

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Australia, to get bitten by the elusive taipan

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? PINA COLADAS. um rum? Uhhhhhhhhhhh premixed Pina coladas???

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Always be humble and kind.  

29. What is your favorite expletive? Bless Your Heart

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? The smiley face zipper case I keep my photograph print outs in.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Mmm I feel like saying my birth is a bit too gallows, so I’m going to say, agreeing to marry my ex-fiancé.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Tibet?

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? I’m going to ask for a business card à la Fairy Godmother (Shrek 2), be proactive, because when my mother passes, I can bring her back. I told her that she has to outlive me and I meant that.

34. What was your last dream about? Falling

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? My buddy, I’ve never been good at anything in my life. I’m an excellent speller, a reading prodigy, and average in every other aspect.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Yes, thrice during manic episodes. Twice for when a dog bit me.

37. Have you ever built a snowman? Nope. I have yet to see snow

38. What is the color of your socks? I’m not wearing socks but I only like grey socks and beige liners

39. What type of music do you like? Alternative/Country/UK Pop/Rock

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? Sunsets, please and thank you.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Coconut cream pie, from Sonic (after dark)

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) TEXAS. T E X A S

43. Do you have any scars? Oh yeah, plenty ^^ on my face, my arms, my foot. I’m kind of clumsy and I don’t mind scars so I never applied the vitamin E.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? A graduate lol all joking aside, a librarian? A kept girl? A strong, independent bookworm? Something alright.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I’d like to have been born in the 33rd century. (mm if not possible, then I would like to be indestructible) (if not feasible, then I guess I’d like to have perfect night vision)

46. Are you reliable? No

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? “What is the most profound thing we have said thus far?”

48. Do you hold grudges? Nope

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? A dragon (uh a scary bone eating bird with a nice, sweet snake)

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? The first time I discussed anything with my conscience? Mm really, any conversation I’ve had with myself has gotten pretty unusual.

51. Are you a good liar? HA maybe over text but irl I begin to giggle and avert my eyes and it’s awful no one let’s me get away with anything

52. How long could you go without talking? I went a whole day once for the GLSEN Day of Silence in April 2012. Maybe I could go longer? Mm I’d like to be mute. That would be interesting.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? They’ve all been great, particularly the ones I cut by myself from 2008-2012 I don’t know what you are trying to imply c:

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? Is this a euphemism?

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? Sort of an English accent, and sort of an Australian accent. Oh but I have a natural accent when speaking Spanish and a Texas accent pops up with some words in English.

56. What do you like on your toast? Fr e sh avo cado (free Sha vacadoo) obviously (if unavailable, I’ll take honey, cinnamon, butter, sugar, beans, eggs, strawberry jam, peach preserves etc.)

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? A lady, for @silver9mm@barnsburntdownnow for LETTER #6

58. What would be you dream car? An Aston Martin is what I liked in 2008—actually my dream car would be an indestructible flying bathosphere that could also teleport and drive itself. I’m waiting, 2020.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. I do sing, mm well ahem, I don’t like showers I like baths. Sometimes I’ll turn off the lights and bathe in the dark, when I’m feeling overwhelmed or hopeless or I just don’t know who I’m fooling etc. Sometimes I’ll play music and place my phone facedown on the tub, let my head sink beneath the water, and the sound vibrates/echoes throughout and it is so settling. Ahem, sometimes bathing is my me time, where I’ll let my mind wander to something racy, and with the steam fogging up my mind I’ll get helplessly turned on, and just lounge in the hot water fluttering my inner muscles until I either orgasm or cry lol.

60. Do you believe in aliens? Yes. But do aliens believe in me? Lol.

61. Do you often read your horoscope? No but I do like those moodboards/aesthetics/text posts concerning my signs 😇

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? R in middle school, X in high school and now, probably S.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dinosaurs are neat but I’m a Dragon! kinda gal.

64. What do you think about babies? Cute and scary and gross and wonderful and delicate and perfect and miniature and I want none and ten

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. Message me 👻 I’ll answer anything y'all.

If y'all would like to send me any other asks (anonymous or public) I tag them as Ask Thing and I’ll answer literally everything. Thanks y'all!

gold song producer Adi Aberdeen X Grammy Master Randy Merrill master tape production J.Sheon X Liao Wenqiang X Fang Yijia X Night Watcher Qin Xuzhang Mountain Man X Wan Zhixuan X Hai Dafu X He Yusheng Join hands to create a colorful new Ding Dang music color ticket

★ Sing red nearly 50 The drama song "National Love Songs" has a good performance ★ "The palm of your hand" is the first YouTube point to see the billion songs promoted to "K song billion sister" ★ Return to the player's identity to participate in the singing program to return to the original self-viewing self ★ On the eve of the show, the feelings of returning to zero will face the long-distance love and hurt.

Twelve achievements, the results are loud! Dingdang released his first solo album "Runaway from Home" in 2007. After 12 years of debut, he released 8 albums and accumulated more than 50 concerts around the world. He sang nearly 50 TV dramas, movies, stage drama theme songs and episodes. Known as "Idol Drama" and "Queen of the Theme Song", it has the classics of "I love him", "I can't be alone", "Not your fault", "It's hard to be rare", "Can't guess", etc. His masterpiece, the TV drama "Lan Ling Wang" theme song "Hand Palm" has become Ding Dang's first YouTube point to break through the billion songs, so that "K song a sister" Ding Dang promoted "K Ge billion sister" club. The song is also excellent. In 2018, he took the lead in performing a new adaptation of the musical "The Wrong Car" actress "Ami". The tour was held in Taichung, Taipei, Kaohsiung, Xiamen, Wuhan, Beijing, Shanghai, Toronto, Vancouver and other cities. The challenge of the three-in-one strength of song, dance and drama makes Ding Dang's acting career a new milestone!

Constantly innovating, constantly advancing, and constantly returning to zero, is the way in which Ding Dang has been examining himself in recent years. She has set her own 2019 year as "Ding Dang Yuan Nian" and reviewed the past performance art road until this year. It’s like drawing a circle, you can go back to the original point, think back to the original intention, and return to the original one.” Just as she went to the singing program “The Voice of Dreams”, she felt very big in her heart and once stood on the concert of thousands of people selling tickets. On the stage, she has to stand up with the amateurs to become a contestant, and she needs to put a lot of burdens and world vision. This process has become her important life lesson: "The most feared people are getting along with themselves. Re-recognizing that you really need to experience all kinds of storms and baptisms, but often because of various senses of insecurity on the road of life, bring yourself a lot of unnecessary inferiority. And fear." She deeply felt that the bondage of the outside and the so-called care, it does not matter, do not have to deliberately please who to lose yourself.

In love, Ding Dang also bravely faced the return of zero and wounds in the past. She once had a long-distance relationship, always thinking that as long as it is well cared for and maintained, it can make happiness come true. Unexpectedly, on the eve of a performance, the unfettered breakup broke, and the feelings of the five flavors made Ding Dang unable to resist the crash when he was performing! She recalled that she could only tell herself at the time: "I know that the night before the show was the last time we met, so I put all the tastes I have tasted in love into every love song." Long distance love is hard. But Ding Dang is very open and chooses to fall in love, she will go all out. "I don't regret it, at least I work hard, and finally I don't have to be so careful to guard." Walked through the stage and under the stage, after emotion She is grateful for these memorable processes and insights, and believes that she has become a woman with confidence and brilliance after her experience. Now Ding Dang, I know how to cherish my heart, not to live for others, just for myself!

★ Bravely pursue the true self, "Love is not to be fatal" to examine the shortcomings of love and life. ★ The golden song producer Adi Aberdeen develops a colorful and jingle music color ticket ★ "Gold" light 熠熠 Grammy master Randy Merrill master tape production ★ 10+1 first special record "Minimum Great" Sanshang Meibang Life Insurance Publicity Image Advertisement ★ "Desperate Sanniang" Ding Dang's love "death" can "not kill"

Courageously pursued my true Ding Dang, on April 2, 2019, released her 9th solo album "Die Lovin", made by the golden song producer Adi Tsai, combined with J.Sheon, Liao Wenqiang, Fang Wei Jia, the night watchman Qin Xuzhang, Shandiren, Wan Zhixuan, Hai Dafu, He Yusheng and other outstanding music creation and production teams, changed the past sadness and weakness of the bitter love song image single color, and developed a more colorful new Dingdang music color ticket. The genre is diverse, including: R&B, POP, lyric rock, metropolitan folk, electronic funk, etc., so that the love songs show more different styles. The post-master team of the album is also a "golden" glory. The guest has been awarded the six-time nomination of Grammy and three award-winning gold master Randy Merrill. The artists who have worked together are: Ariana Grende / Lady Gaga/ Adele/ Justin Bieber Wait, let Ding Dang's voice on the album be penetrating but not sharp, and the producer Adi Zi praised it. It is the best masterpiece of the master tape post-processing in his recent album.

"Love to No Life" is a Ding Dang "the most courageous face to love, the album closest to you", with her true emotional story and love concept as the main axis, from analyzing herself, facing herself, reconciling herself, and healing herself In the music, accept his own imperfections. In the past, Ding Dang often gave people a strong positive image of a "female man". She said frankly: "People who look very strong on the surface often have a weak side in their hearts. Sometimes they just fear to puncture the status quo or dare not face it. The cruel reality is stubborn." The new album "Love to No Life" cuts in with "the regrets and beauty of love life". Love is not perfect, honesty faces ten flaws and ten beauty, everyone has different regrets in love. For example, humble, addictive, blind, long distance, inertia, etc. Some beautiful things are actually to shine through the reflection of regrets, bravely face the defects of love, in order to discover the beauty of the shortcomings, to find the original one, The one who still believes in love.

The concept of the album full of bursting tension, "Love is not to be killed", is the personality portrayal of "Ding Ming San Niang" Ding Dang, born with a kind of "the more you are light, the more you want to prove yourself". Can work for the fall, still do not want to continue to sing on the stage; in order to overcome the demons of the play, set up tens of thousands of words of autobiographical novels for the stage play characters; you can try hard to challenge yourself, extreme sports; Can lose weight, run on the treadmill and cry and don't want to support it; for the sense of justice, for the harassed girl to stand up and defend; more for love, encounter scum male bad heart still love not to die . Every kind of "Don't Die" of Ding Dang is because the loved ones, things, and things are all in the heart. "Because of life, love, and love, you can pay for it, you can love it." .

★ The first wave bursts and breaks the main character <Don't be fatal> Characterizes "Don't care for the body" Dark love life ★ Ding Dang X J. Sheon sings new sparks and boldly challenges R&B style ★ "Love and hate symbiosis" lyrics concept dying elopement of the end of the day ★ New MV Director Ares Wu American black movie style full of violent aesthetics

Do you want to go for a person? Do you want to, do you really want to die? The first wave of bursting and breaking the main hit "Don't be fate", R&B style, by the new generation of omnipotent singer J. Sheon, together with the new creator Wan Zhixuan, for the Ding equivalent body to create a male and female chorus, telling the secret love of life: a pair Love does not care about the body, sometimes it is forced to the cliff, the only way to see the beautiful vision, in order to provoke absolute determination. The lyrics come from the concept of "love and hate symbiosis", the attachment to a person who has a strong love, love can be broken, not even life, but the deeper the love, the deeper the hate, the encounter of two lives The bond with the relationship, metaphor of love and hate is a community, you can love to die, you can hate to be terrible, only for each other's life or birth or death, there is no alternative.

Have you ever worked hard for others in your life? Do you know if you should, but still do not want to love it? "Don't be fateed" MV is directed by the new director of the MV of Zhang Huimei, "There is a beautiful black movie style. Ding Dang and hair stylist J. Sheon plays a hot couple, but the real identity of the show is J. Sheon. The serial murderer killed a number of women in the darkroom operating room hidden in his hair salon. Dingdang fell in love and fell into the hunting trap to become a lamb to be slaughtered. Even she apparently noticed that she would be stunned and stunned. In this play, I drank a poison drink, and finally woke up to resist the poisonous needle with him but lost the other hand. Ding Dang was so sad that he was crying. MV Riding is a big play, with a face that is closely related to the intimate interaction of J. Sheon's chest and romantic dance. There is a female man who has been dragged and bound to break away from the drama. When she is touched by the murderer J. Sheon, she is afraid of fear but heartbroken. After the drama, even the crying drama is also crying and crying and tearing the heart, so that the "Don't Die" MV full of dark and beautiful violent aesthetic love drama seems more worth seeing.

★ Pants/windbreaker/suit style, neutrality, wind and swaying feeling ★ Black apple/surreal high-rise fashion photographer Zhou Mo palm mirror play avant-garde modern style ★ Mottled and decadent eye makeup / hysterical chaos challenge Life crazy woman dressing up ★ Mobile black paint / temperature ink new designer Yang Shiqing to create a beautiful collection of packaging

echoes the "not to be fat " attitude, the new album style is neutral and handsome, biased suit suit tops, pants, windbreaker Get rid of Ding Dang in the past to give people a feeling of love and soft beauty, showing the feeling of degeneration of strong women. The main visual invites the new fashion photographer Zhou Mo's mirror to play the avant-garde modern style. The ingenious use of black apples represents the fatality of dangerous love, but still eats without fear. Set up a surreal super-high-rise building, let Ding Dang climb the high ladder to the building, showing that even in the high-risk area, it is still dangerous and unrelenting. In the process, Ding Dang also wears workers' gloves and simply puts tall buildings. Tear off the dismantled domineering sense of arrogance. Even in the end, the hair was messed up, with the mottled and sinister makeup, the mad woman who performed the performance, conveyed hysteria and bravely faced defects and imperfections.

The album design packaging is designed by the cutting-edge designer Yang Shiqing. The album cover is made up of a large type of typography. The concept standard words are arranged in a stepped stack, and like a staircase, they echo the idea of ​​climbing the building. In order to present a sense of desperation, the transparent CD case in the album packaging is hand-painted with black paint, so that each album is a unique out-of-print collection, with a black paint flow with jingle photos, showing a dying edge A deep and hopeless experience. In the concept poster, using the temperature-sensitive ink technology, through the touch of the hand, the face of the close-up face will appear, and the interactive temperature will show another kind of jingle appearance. I hope that the fans will use love (temperature) to feel the dying of Ding Dang.

01. 我們不像我們 (LINE TV《hitory3圈套》插曲) 02. 有什麼不敢面對 03. 不要命feat.J.Sheon 04. 都是月老惹的禍(OT：Birthday Suit) 05. 海的顏色（華視《最佳利益》插曲） 06. 成癮(LINE TV《hitory3圈套》插曲) 07. 誤區（華視《最佳利益》片尾曲） 08. 太陽雨 09. 愛情最高指導原則 10. 愛上你的我 11. 最小的偉大Smallest Great-三商美邦人壽公益形象廣告曲

Release Date: 2 Apr 2019

and never wake

Rían wanders Beleriand alone.

Written for the LLA April 18th, 2015 picture prompt, Broken Sundowns.

[CN/TW: Implied suicidal ideation/suicide, depression, trauma]

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In the winter, Rían came to the Mithrim Elves, and in the spring, she left them, her mouth painted with slim, brittle smiles, her voice high with too-light notes, her ears full of the wind. She did not strain her ears to listen for the suggestion of Tuor’s cries. Realizing that she wasn’t listening for him filled her chest with something she could not name, but it mattered little, even when it threatened to stop her heart beating. There was little that could be made to matter, these days.

She stared over the desolate gray wilderness, wondering if Orcs would jump out at her from the shadows, or if Gilrin would come tearing after her, trying one last time to convince her not to leave. This was hardly the first time Rían had had to make such a journey, and all the other times, she had been filled with such panic, as had not abated until she reached a safe haven, and each haven seeming less safe than the last. She had thought of nothing but reaching safety when she did not have it. Of living long enough to reach safety.

Now?

Now, there was no such urgency rooted in her breast. Beleriand was more dangerous a place than ever, and Rían felt nothing. She had no particular destination in mind, beyond the faint dream of finding the site of Huor’s death. It occurred to her briefly to try Dor-lómin, to try to convince Morwen and Aerin to flee, but the thought drifted away from her, too tenuous to catch hold of again. Dor-lómin must surely be under occupation by now, and most likely, Rían would never reach them to deliver any pleas.

(They were not like her, too rooted to the place in which they lived to ever think of leaving it. They were stronger than her, Rían supposed, strong enough to weather a storm without bolting, but there was no helping it, now.)

The strength of the Ñoldor and the Edain was broken, and now was the heyday of the Enemy and his Orcs, and Rían felt none of the fear she had known before. No panic, no trepidation or even watchfulness. She walked slowly through the gray wilderness of Mithrim, and did not look back.

-0-0-0-

“The battle will go well, or so we hope.”

Huor was already more solemn a man than his brother—indeed, more solemn a man than most of the Men of the House of Hador. He was good-natured, one of the gentlest men Rían had ever known, but he spoke always with seriousness, and rarely would you hear him laugh. He was rather like his nephew in this—indeed, Huor and Túrin got on famously, perhaps because Huor spoke to the boy just as he spoke to any adult, with complete seriousness.

Though Rían had found that seriousness a touch daunting when they had first met, never before has she thought it laden with worry, or doubt. Now, however…

“But you are not certain,” Rían supplied, reaching out and clasping his hand in hers.

He smiled half-heartedly. “It’s not enough to justify changing our plans, or postponing them. But I… I just feel things, at times.” He stared off into the distance, his eyes glazed and troubled. “And I dislike the idea of leaving you here alone, in your condition.”

At that, Rían couldn’t help but smile. “I’m hardly alone.” She gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “And I think the battle will go well, if you only believe it will.”

-0-0-0-

Rían’s meandering path took her through lands burned during the aftermath of the battle, when the Enemy’s forces, giddy with victory, must have grown enthusiastic in their celebrations. She passed burned farmsteads, broken, blackened shells that shivered in the wind. She passed fields gone fallow, fields burned in the old year that were just now putting up shoots in the new. All the Edain were gone from this place, carried off to Angband as slaves, or killed, perhaps, though Rían saw no bodies.

Neither did Rían see any livestock, nor game animals she could have caught, so the knife the Elves had given her when she left them was put to use digging out and cutting roots from the cold, hard earth. Those she could still find, though not in abundance, and rarely much larger than the length and width of one of her fingers. There was nothing else in this dim, gray world.

She couldn’t name the plants the roots came from. It occurred to Rían, vaguely, that she should have been able to—she had been able to tell at a glance that they were edible. But the names she had known all her life slipped out of her mind, even when they were the names of plants she had tended in her garden in Dor-lómin. It mattered not. She would never have her garden again. The afternoons she had spent there with Aerin and Húrin would never come again. It did not matter at all.

(The nameless thing was in her chest again, battering on her ribs, insisting on being heard. Rían heard it—she could not help but hear it—but she sighed heavily rather than respond. It couldn’t make her respond. Not yet.)

She ate without joy under rock and rain, under twisted, broken tree and under rolling banks of woolen fog. Rían never could pin down the taste of the roots she ate, if they were bitter or sweet, metallic or earthen. They were rough and hard, and it took long, slow chewing to render them a mush that was as ash in her mouth, and felt like a rock in her throat. It satisfied hunger, and no more.

Memory reached back for the dim islands that were Ladros. Of when she had sat down to eat with her family—mother and father, aunt and uncle, Morwen and Beren; even Andreth could at times be persuaded to leave her home and join them. What they had eaten together escaped Rían. Its flavor and aroma, these things were overlaid by the choking smoke that had descended upon Ladros ere they fled. But the savor of companionship, that Rían remembered all too clearly. It cut into her like the edge of a sword when she had to sit out under open sky, alone.

-0-0-0-

Spring had come at last, the trees decked out in their fresh, tender leaves, birds returning home from balmy southern haunts, and the ground thawed enough that you could actually dig into the earth with your hands, rather than fear you’d break your shovel’s blade. Of that, Rían was glad. In winter, it seemed as though all the world was dying. She was grateful for spring to come again, and assure her it was not.

“Now, Lalaith, can you tell me what this animal is?”

Morwen and Húrin needed their children away from their home for a few hours. Being at loose ends, Rían was the first person they would have looked to to mind Túrin and Lalaith, and Rían hardly minded having an excuse to be out of doors for a few hours. With Túrin expressing no desire to play, Rían had taken them to a spot in the copse just outside the settlement, where the grass gave way to a smooth patch of dirt. Rían knew a few ways for them to spend their time.

“Bird!” Lalaith exclaimed, squirming in Rían’s lap and twisting around to look expectantly up at her.

Rían nodded and smiled down at her. “That’s right; it is a bird.” She pointed to the shape she had drawn in the dir. “Can you tell me what kind of bird it is?”

Lalaith turned back to scrutinizing the etching, her face hidden from Rían’s sight by her flaxen curls. The tiny girl had never seen this particular sort of bird before, though she had had it described to her at least once Rían could recall. Hopefully, she would be able to remember the name now; wouldn’t that be something to tell Morwen?

But Túrin, leaning heavily into Rían’s side as he was, seemed ill-pleased with his sister’s progress. “It’s a barn owl,” he muttered. “Isn’t it, Aunt Rían?”

“Shh.” Rían put a finger to her lips in chastisement, and fortunately, Lalaith did not seem to hear.

-0-0-0-

The land was empty. The days and weeks drew slowly by, and the land was empty, but for her. Rían saw no Elves, no Orcs, no Man either of Edain or Incomer stock. Rían scarcely saw any animals, catching sight only of the occasional hart at dawn or twilight, and the skittish things would run from her as though running from a hunter. No birdsong reached Rían’s ears. Even the flow of the water in such streams as she passed seemed muffled in sound. Only she passed through the shadowed land, and met no other traveler.

Perhaps there was no one else left. Perhaps the battle had claimed so many that Rían could wander through empty Beleriand and never find another living soul. Perhaps the forces of the Ñoldor and the Edain had not just been broken, but utterly eradicated, and they had somehow succeeded in doing the same to their enemies. Perhaps she would never see another living person, not as long as she lived.

No one to hinder her.

No one to fill her ears with talk.

No one to hold her in their arms.

No one to stop her.

She ought to have felt something to accompany these thoughts. Rían supposed she ought to have wept or screamed, rent her clothing or ripped her hair out at the roots. Certainly, that nameless thing inside her was growing louder with each passing day, its howls both ear-splitting and voiceless. But Rían felt weightless, insubstantial, far too light. It was as though someone had scooped out everything inside her that mattered, everything that might have rooted her to the ground, and sewn her skin shut over dry, hollow bones. It did not matter. Her home was occupied by their enemies. All was lost, and it did not matter. She could not bring herself to make it matter.

Rían’s weary feet carried her ever onwards.

-0-0-0-

It was summer in Ladros, and memory failed Rían in most respects but for recollection of golden sunlight shooting through trees, and Morwen walking besides her down a narrow, winding trail.

“A story!” Rían begged her cousin, tugging gently at her pale hand. “Won’t you tell me a story?”

Morwen shook her hand away, but did not frown as she answered, “I haven’t any stories you’d like. Go ask Beren.”

This had not satisfied little Rían, who kept trailing after her cousin, staring imploringly up at her. “But Andreth’s been teaching you stories. You must know more stories than Beren if she’s teaching you.”

Morwen had stopped, and sighed lightly. She went and sat down by a tall tree, and stared expectantly at the younger girl. “Well? Come here, and I’ll tell you a story you’ve not heard before. But only a short one; Mother wants me at home.”

-0-0-0-

Rían had passed into a brown, ruined land many days ago, where she could find no food and hunger clawed at her like a ravening beast, until it too receded and left her only emptiness. There were no trees in this brown land, only the empty expanse, and bitter winds choked with dust assaulted her at all times. Though she clutched her tattered cloak close about her, the wind still beat on her back and shoulders, and the dust clogged in her mouth and nose. It had a foul, bitter taste, and a reek that made Rían’s eyes water whenever she was made to smell it.

All of Beleriand will be like this, soon, she thought to herself, blinking the noisome dust from her eyes. Our Enemy delights in taking all that is good and green and twisting it to be a reflection of his own mind. Morwen said that. When… did she say that…

There’s no one left to stop him.

She slept, when weariness took her, under open sky. There was nothing here that could shelter her—no trees, no burned-out shells of homesteads, no bushes, no rocks or caves. The Moon was hidden from Rían’s sight. The stars were veiled.

One day, something green rose out of the wasteland, an island in a sea of dust.

Rían drew near to it, stood in its shadow, and her breath caught in her throat. It was a hill, a massive green hill, large enough to swallow whole the house of the Lord of Dor-lómin; its shadow drew on seemingly forever. It rose over flatlands, and with one glance, Rían knew what it was.

When so many died at once, graves were not dug for each man that had fallen. They rested together, with the earth their shield from prying eyes. But oh, who had taken the time to make the grave…

(The nameless thing in Rían’s chest went silent, dead silent.)

Here was the last hope of the Edain, crushed, broken, consigned to the earth. Here was the sum of Rían’s life: a green mound in a brown land where her kin had been laid to rest, her husband among them, perhaps, but who could say for sure? They would never fight again. There would be no new day for Men, not now.

Rían collapsed against the mound, sheltered by its shadow, breathing in the smell of the grass. Sweet, so sweet, and yet the noisome stench of the dust was such that she could hardly make it out. She fumbled the knife the Elves had given her in her hands, turning it over and again, wincing at the watery flashes of light that came when the keen blade caught the weak Sun. And when night fell, she let sleep take her.

---------------------------------

Edain—Men of the three houses (the Houses of Bëor, Hador and Haleth) who were faithful to the Elves throughout the First Age; after the War of Wrath they were gifted with the land of Númenor and became known as the Dúnedain; after the Akallabêth they established Arnor and Gondor (singular: Adan) (Sindarin)

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Have you ever been to Costco? No. But I vaguely know about it because I can never really avoid US media, given that it’s everywhere. I’m more familiar with their other stores like Wal-Mart though lol. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? Yep. I went to the same school from kinder to high school so I pretty much wore one thing every weekday for 14 years, and I can say that and mean it literally. What's your favourite flavour of iced tea? Lemonade. Quick, name the first European country that pops into your head? Luxembourg. How many video games do you own? I don’t have any of my own, but my family owns quite a lot. We’re currently using three consoles (PS3, PS4, Switch) so we have a good amount of games.

Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? I’ve been to the casino inside of the ship that I went on a cruise in, but I think it was just named ‘Casino’ haha. I had only turned 18 then, so the only thing I was allowed to do was walk through the area. Do you love or hate olives? Hate them. I always group them on the side of my plate if they’re served on my pizza or pasta; or if I’m eating with my mom, I just give all the olives to her because she lovs them. When was the last time you got delivery food? The other day. My parents got home a little late and didn’t have time to cook for dinner, so they just had liempo delivered to our house. What's your favourite suburb in the city you live in? That’s not really a concept or system that we use here. We do have private and guarded subdivisions that some families choose to live in for increased safety and security, but that’s the closest thing we have to ~suburbs~ And usually, if you don’t live in a certain village you never have a reason to enter unless you’re visiting someone. That makes it impossible to pick a favorite since I’m only ever staying at the village we live in haha. Have you ever visited a sex shop? Yeah, Gab and I entered a sex shop in Metrowalk once. I was a little sheepish and I saw the store clerks giggling at me, but I know they didn’t mean to laugh mischievously so I laughed with them too to ease my tension. I just looked like someone who was entering a sex shop for the first time, which was true. Do you like the name Cindy for a girl? It’s okay, but it’s not my first choice. I can’t hate it though; I have a friend named Cindy and she’s a wonderful human being. How many sets of keys do you have for your house? Three. I lost my key a few months ago so I had three copied. Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? My mom is in charge of giving spare keys to key (hehe) family members like my grandma. But I think giving my friends spare keys to a house that isn’t even technically mine is a little creepy. Have you ever been to Tokyo, Japan? No. I’ve been to Japan, though. When was the last time you saw a movie in theaters? December-ish. Knives Out was the last movie I saw in the cinemas last year. What brand is your laptop or computer? Apple. What's your favourite citrus fruit? I don’t like fruits, but uhhh I do like to sip on a lemon after drinking tequila lmao. Do you know anyone who has Parkinson's disease? I don’t think so. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Not possible here. Manila has never been bicycle-friendly. You’ll have to go to the province – the polar opposite of the city – to do that. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? I tried to use Instagram this year to do my own project where I post one photo for each day of 2020. Covid has obviously since ruined that plan and I haven’t updated since the first week of April. :( Otherwise I hate Instagram and don’t engage with anyone there at all. What's your favourite brand of beer? I reeeeally don’t like beer and will only have a bottle if it’s absolutely the only thing being served at an event. I’ve taken a liking to Red Horse after trying it out for the first time earlier this year, so while it’s not a favorite drink of mine I can see myself seeking it out first from now on. When was the last time you high-fived someone? I’d say in the last couple of weeks. My sister and I would high-five when either of us says something witty. Do you like writing? How often do you write? I like writing in an autobiographical/biographical sense? I don’t write fictional stories or poems, but I can definitely whip out a feature article following the life of a certain real-life person. I’ve also always enjoyed writing down my own experiences, emotions, etc. and talking about my day so I’ve been journaling on-off since I was 9. Have you ever dyed your hair a very different colour from your natural? I’ve never dyed my hair. Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? We have generic artworks in the living room, yeah. They’re nothing remarkable, they’re just splatters on the frame to fit my mom’s aesthetic. What's your favourite place to get pizza? Mama Loooooou’s. Missing the outside world so much. How many times have you been to the beach? Too many that I’m not up to counting. I’m at the beach at least once a year. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. Fortunately not. That sounds terrifying. Are you good at rhyming and/or puns? Not so much my forte, no. Have you ever ordered anything from Amazon? No. I’ve never tried to check out the website, so I’m not actually sure if they ship here. Even if they did, it will not be the first place I’d do my online shopping in because isn’t Jeff Bezos a huge, selfish dick? Do you have cushions on your couches? Yes, several. We also have pillows on our living room carpet so that the place doesn’t look bare. What was the last thing that made you feel a negative emotion? My mom let out a huge scream when she was trying to hold Cooper and he playfully nipped her, and my dad and I got annoyed because it could’ve scared him. We didn’t let her interact with him much after that. When was the last time you drank whiskey? What brand was it? My one and only encounter with whiskey was when I was curious about my dad’s bottle of Jack Daniel’s and poured some onto a glass and gave it a sip. I really, really, really hated it. Had to throw the rest of the drink away :(  Do you like bubble tea? What's your favourite flavour? If that also means milk tea, then yeah. My go-to flavor is Salty Cream Chocolate from CoCo. If I’m somewhere other than CoCo I’ll usually get winter melon or a chocolate flavored one. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? Yes. I’ve forgotten where I was exactly but I was in this zoo/safari and it had an open area section where some of the animals roamed freely. I guess one of the bigger birds felt threatened by me when I was using my DSLR so it semi-ran to me and started going at my feet. It gave me an intense stare the whole time which was super unnerving lol. How many piercings do you have? Two, but they’re barely used.. What colour are your underwear today? Green. Do you know anyone who works in a place 1 hour or more from where they live? If you work in Metro Manila, you automatically live one hour away from it. No questions asked. Traffic’s always been a big bitch here. Is there anything in your pockets right now? I don’t have pockets. Are there any loose coins around you at the moment? Nopes. What's your favourite TV show? (top 5 if you can't choose) Friends, Breaking Bad, BoJack Horseman, The Walking Dead (until season 6), The Big Bang Theory (until season 6-7ish). What do you think of androgynous names? I think you meant unisex but whatever lol. They’re alright when you’re older but they can be a little traumatic for some kids at a younger age, speaking from personal experience. I got bullied so much just for my name that whenever a new person would ask me “What’s your name?” it would always send me trembling. Do you own a dictionary? Yeah. I needed one in Grade 2 for English/Language class and I’ve kept the same copy since. Have you ever had a spray tan? No. Never needed it. Do you prefer to hang or fold your clothes? Fold. Just looks a bit more organized to me. Do you own any sports bras? Where'd you get them from? Nah because I don’t really work out. Have you ever had sex in a kitchen? No. I’m open to the idea, but I’m not doing it in my parents’ kitchen. Are you any good at imitating accents? Awful at it. I’m not any good at any of them hahaha.

What's the most expensive restaurant you've ever eaten at? I can’t remember the name because it was Italian, but it was some fancy ass place in BGC I took Gabie to for her 19th birthday.