...

i’ve been trying to figure out what to do, bc the more im away from ssoblr the  more it became obvious that i feel intensely fucking shit when i go on here and feel better when im not on here 

- due to the ppl who decided to make shit up about me behind my back and then double down on it and say “look!! he IS mean [for being hurt and upset - as a longterm victim of abuse and bullying, which everyone knows about]” when i try to talk about that. 

i just dont know what to do. i liked it here, and i did my best (as someone with severe social anxiety and with ptsd from abuse! i’m not perfect, but i did my best!) to talk to ppl directly, even the ones who have been rude or nonsensical or mean or whatever other form of disrespectful to other ppl. (that includes anons i received and normal convos.) 

but everytime i go on here now im just reminded about how ppl i thought i could trust would turn on me and make shit up about me instead of actually talk to me, and when i tried to talk to them directly, it would be shut down or discouraged. while the behind-my-back stuff clearly was never actually acknowledged or resolved.  

at this point i just feel so lost. i dont know what to do. when i try to resolve it instead i get told even worse things and got hurt *more* instead of getting a resolution. and i get told “you talk too much” and shit like this, so what? talking isn’t bad. treating others unfairly is bad. i wish i had a penny for everytime someone told me i talk too much! imagine, humans are different! talking isn’t harmful and when i was told to “stop replying to me if you don’t agree”, i did, aka i stopped talking, as much as i feel it’s an odd way to handle things. 

even my gf got grouped in with me as if she had done something wrong. what exactly these things we both did that are wrong, seems really unclear. i know that ppl got upset about specific things but i don’t really see how the things are wrong, and if nobody is ready to explain that, what can i do? what am i supposed to do? when *i* see someone post unfair or mean things, i replied to them and said “hey, this isn’t fair” etc... but the same group of people told me to stop doing that. (either by direct words, or by blocking me, or whatever.)

what do you want me to do then? to not reply when someone is mean, but also to think it’s okay for people to talk about me in private chats, and therefore to not get a chance myself to explain or defend myself since you refuse to talk to me directly about it? i hate all of this. it’s school style bullying at the point that you talk about others negatively in private and don’t have anyone there to offer a different perspective or defend them.

i didnt talk about any of these ppl behind anyone’s back: part of what made some ppl mad is the public posts i made (during panic attacks from severe mental illness and stressful poor life situations!) containing ~narcissistic judgmental mean content~ such as “i can’t handle ppl being irrational and mean”, or “people should stop being irrational and mean”, or “people should get help (just like i do) if they’re unhealthy and immature”. 

bc you know, it’s not like ppl were irrational and mean to me or others, i just made that up. and it’s definitely only about x persons on ssoblr who likes to think all vagues are about them and not the entire humanity (aka: ive been open about how many ppl have mistreated, abused or bullied me, actually, and every fucking time i go in a fandom i meet ppl who latch on to me as an easy target bc im Different. one person being immature or unhealthy isn’t unique; i meet them everywhere; if they treat others with disrespect or unfairly they are causing harm, no matter how common they are, and therefore it’d be great if they tried to fix that by studying psychology and getting mental healthcare. because it’s not okay to hurt others or be mean and you should stop. whoops, am i being a mean narcissist again?) 

i really wish all the trying-to-talk-it-out happened publically because i needed backup. they can keep doing what they do and everyone else thinks they didn’t hurt anyone because i handled this in private out of respect (i don’t believe in cancelling and blocking and all this shit). if nobody knows what happened then they’re also free to keep manipulating the perspective and act as if i really did do something wrong (i’ve asked what i did wrong and i get no answer. contrary to Things People Make Up About Me, i actually do want to know if i did something wrong, and try to make it right - and no, you’re not unique if you Made Things Up About Me, so that’s not just about one person, yet again). 

it’s not comparable to say “you’re talking too much” vs “you hurt me”. it’s not comparable to say “you wrote public posts where you said being mean and irrational is bad” vs “talking behind someone’s back in a private space where they or their friends can’t defend them”. the things aren’t the same. you can’t just act like all emotional reactions are equal when they’re not. 

i really dont know what to do. i dont feel safe or comfortable on here, i feel like shit that they hurt me like this and are still hellbent on that somehow it was my own fault and also it never happened anyway. 

(btw, i was literally told “we talk about you sooo much” and then told “no, we never talk about you”... “he thinks ppl talk about him”... as if i was being delusional or grasping in thin air, for putting together two and two when i know for a fact i had been talked about *and* i don’t see any other explanation than talking-behind-my-back for how some of the rude/mean things even reached me the way they did. anons that mysteriously sound exactly like the people who were being rude/mean and part of the same group? ppl replying to me just to be rude who supposedly don’t even follow me - i’d guess my posts were being linked somewhere? i mean, it’s not a far reach when you know it’s all one same group of people that do talk to each other in private where nobody can speak for me. i’m open to other explanations, but i haven’t been given any.)

also, to be clear because ppl love to make shit up about me:

i dont talk about any of this to insult or shame or whatever. i already talked directly to ppl from the very beginning and talked publically about my opinions and thoughts and this is what made them upset. 

i talk about this because im fucking lost and ssoblr is my only “big” fandom community. i’m really sad to think about leaving, like really really sad. i just don’t know what else to do when the people who hurt me are still here and still acting as if i did something wrong, but not ready to talk to me about it respectfully.

Moved to place I grew up in some months ago tho was away for some time at dacha but just started recalling early school years.....

Very traumatic tho luckly it seems I either forgot or repressed enough detail to spare me the pain but......... not that one thing. Just that singular minute I remembered just now. Details are hazy and they were even just after it happened too. Dont remember why it happened (the final push) or what happened immidiately before or after.

If you read the trigger warning tags you probably suspect what event Im talking about. The one and only time in my life I tried to kill myself. I suggest you dont go reading further if this topic disturbs you or otherwise your curiocity or something else driving you isnt more than negative feelings youd get from it

Well anyway if I recall it was late primary/early middle school. My memmory isnt ythe greatest on the subject of my life in that period or in general tbh. Maybe my brain had to repress so much stuff it just cant form memmories that good now. Well I remember something just clicking. Something was a straw that broke a camels back. I cant recall what it was but I just wept and wanted to die. It was too much suffering for it to be worth living. I climed the stairs to second floor and midway tried to jump head first into stone floor. Dont remember what type of floor exactly but it was certaintly some kind of tiles with concrete underneath to my irrational panicked hormone filled child brain it seemed that I would die. In reality looking back I would probably just recieve head trauma. I remember my classmates physically stopping me and me feeling someyhing I dont quite recall about that fact. Was it anger that they didnt let me end my existance? Confusion that they stood by or participated in my bullying of which I cant recall any of it now thankfully or sadness that they only bothered to do something about my situation when I was there and not at any point before. Probably a mix of all those.

You know what the person from school told me in regards of why I should do this? "How would your parents feel about this?" as some sort of persuasion to not kill myself. I of course didnt kill myself or attempted for that matter any more in my life nor extent of my self harm was beyond picking at my dried cuts but it is more of a bad habbit or a stim. But you know what I think about that statement? What would my parents feel if I killed myself? As a measure of preventing suicide? It might be effective but many times its been the only reason I didnt go thru with it. What would others feel. How would that affect others. Sure it can be like a part of it but its cruel that my only reason to live many times was someone else. I mean it in this way: Im not living for me. Im not living bc I want to live in these cases. That fucked me up. I think it built a bit of resentment to those who would just be upset of I died or somehow were hurt. Bc I didnt learn how to find a reason for me to live an actual reason I learned to force myself to live for others. Its not a good coping strategy at long term. It just stops the main symptom and not the cause of it. For I dont know how long now. Years? I barely felt the drive to live. The WANT to live. The will to live. In some sense I think I might have died long ago. I do of course have wonderful moments that feel my whole being with happieness and pure desire to live to thrive but they are so fleeting... and I dont have the luxiry of good memmory to remember them for long if at all. And if I dont even have the motivation to love I barely take care of myself. Especially since most of the time my mental health and what can I only describe as disability manifested (from what I suspect many smaller causes maginfied by each other (death by a thousand paper cuts as it were)) making it harder. And there is barely any support. Most of time I bring up my issues they are eiyher didsmised as being blowm out of proportion or Im told to dealt with it die to my age or fact that Im "a man" (which also hurts bc Im femining leaning trans).

Now dont worry Im mot gonna do anything to myself I just needed to vent but I am in a bad mental space and its been i decline lately and I might not respond much or at all for some time and thanks for all who msg me it makes me feel slightly better and hopefully it will start becoming better in general soon.

Thanks for reading heres a pic of a cat I took as thanks for you actually going thru this.

I mean if you know me by now you should also know that I'm not in the best headspace either, therefore I've been getting over it whilst still being upset about it if this paragraph makes sense

i knew it was going to happen eventually I just never wanted to say anything,, I've known since the Eli era baby (a little less but I've still had suspicions)

what upset me was the "I wish I never met you guys" but honestly at the same time i was just "sure whatever you say" in an I honestly don't have time to entertain whatever this is so I don't care right now way.. and I didn't really care after for a bit

the couple of times me and Kevin talked after I didn't bother asking about you because, well if you wish you never met me then why would I //neu but by that point I was kind of over it and way overdue for a therapy appointment so

i talked to myself a lot about it after and I know I'm self aware, so yeah I guess I still cared about it even after.. it just baffled me how you said that knowing wasn't in a good headspace and I had to think back like. did I ever say that to you at one point when you spiralled (nono, genuinely I'm still thinking about it, because what prompted that)

I'm STILL not in a good headspace which is why this is lengthy and it's a thought-spill because I don't have the energy to sugar anything

all of this isn't in //neg btw,, like even after then I didn't have any //neg feelings towards you but more of my usual "it's whatever" things

I do not mind talking to you after this or whatever, and I apologize in advance if I seem a little more callous than I normally would

but if you still wish you hadn't met me we don't have to talk we can just keep doing whatever we were doing before //gen

most of this is rushed because I'm being pressured to do chores jfc

im dizzy and awaiting a trip to the hospital in questioned time and i didnt know if i should respond to this yet because it wouldnt seem serious but i want you to know that i am im just not in a physical or mental state to sound as genuine as posisble though i am geuine so i apologize for spelling mistakes and or questionable sentences that dont make sense whatever i say i dont mean to self cneter or try to justify i have half a mind for what im saying rn /srs/gen i dont know where to start i know youn arent in the best head place or place at all and i dnt know or remember what this happened for but it did happen gradualy so i guess itwas building up i physically nor mentally more than 85% of the time cannot control what ido when i outburst especially with influence i have a disorder it will not be helped and i cannot say that i will not outburst because i literally yk cannot help it because i am a different person when i outburst hence cause - bpd n bipolar / insensity - other things and im being so serious when i say this and i am so sorry for saying that or saying that i wish i never met you guys thats what i was feeling so i said it and i shouldnt have and i am sorry and words cannot describe how confused i am on how to apologize correctly but i did not mean it for the most part i will be honest sometimes i have sour feelings when i am ghosted or ignored - this attatchments built up over the course of many years and if its being taken away then i am irrational and that is mostly explanation for why im so frequently upset - more than 2 weeks later it is still object of outbursts this explanation is not meant to feel guilt it isjto give reason because maybe its needed i give warning not to speak to me if it will be an issue i give warningthat if my issues will be problem like they have been then js dont try because you dont haveto do that to yourself though probably all too scaredto admit im a backgrounder now and i shouldve left yuou all alone long ago and im so glad you have newer and better friends and seem to be making a good place here from my perspective it seems your better off if we branch off but thats not my choice i do hope you and the rest of whatever is left of that old group continue to grow and i again apologize about all of this and i have reason for shame andm i hope your a ltleast doin g better and having fun with everyone i still warn that js do whats bets fro yourself we arent close anymore nor related if you consider so it doesnt really matter abt my show i js wanted to make a point to poorly and breielfy i do recognize apologize and tell you you deserve good and all great and youve done so much for everyone and i hope you get better from here yeah idk what to say im kind of dizzy in the head rn but i do mean it wehn i say you deserve better and im sorry ijsdont know how to show it i wish i couldve made this better but mi blank i appreciate your codnsideration

my last letter to you

dear dingsuji,

Sorry for letting our friendship dry out. i hate leaving things with loose ends, especially if i dont have to. so i wrote you this letter just to cover things i wanted to let you know. dont feel obligated to tell me anything. if i ever give this to you, know im not sad or upset anymore. i wanted to let you know im glad we dated. im glad we’re friends. it was all valuable experience.

We’ve been friends for a few years and i valued that so much that i didnt want to ruin anything by liking you. after we spent our summer together, i was surprised to see you were “willing” to date me. especially after my forced confession, when i told you i didnt want to pursue you because i just liked being friends with you. i knew how you were emotionally, and i was okay with what you were comfortable with. so i didnt want to risk anything. but the heart wants what the heart wants so i let the relationship happen, even when in my heart i knew it was a bad idea since i knew how you were emotionally. when we were together I knew we were only something to “test the waters.” but i had been pining over you for like a year, so my hopes were pretty high. then again I knew you didnt like me as much as i liked you. so when you broke up with me, i regretted dating you a lot. then i couldnt stand how silly our breakup was and how hurt i was by it. i thought “i wish i never dated you, because then at least we could still be good friends again.” i was willing to put my feelings aside to still hang with you. so it just goes to show how much that it meant to me. i had the mindset that i was willing to compromise any issue with you asap if you just told me what the issues were. It still makes me laugh that I used to spend nights praying to God that this wouldn’t turn into a lesson for me to learn. I remember i told myself i needed to mature and grow up fast that i told myself “- is great but i need to be somebody good for him.” and i took great effort to become somebody you could be proud to say you were dating. I remember that i used to think, i cant let this interfere with my relationship with God. So even then i took extra care to make sure i spent more time with God which was so good for me honestly. but what baffles me is after every breakup or relationship ive ever had, ive NEVER let it get awkward. with my exes i still remained friends with them. but when you suggested we go back to being friends, this time it hurt. because regrettably, i really did like you. and sometimes i wish i never did because the heart is deceiving lol. so i just couldnt be “just friends” with you when i had realized i lost my first relationship that i truly wanted to last. I would convince myself not to like you like i did and i told myself “its nothing serious.” i remember trying to convince myself “If we break up, thats okay because it just means God has a better plan for the both of us.” but i guess it was the way you treated me, the way you made me laugh, and the way you looked at me, i couldnt help but think we’d last. i would tell God “i cant like you too much or itll be a problem.” and it was. my feelings have been a problem from the start, dont feel bad because this really wasn't your fault. yk the only thing i guess that kind of sucks still is that sometimes my eyes still follow you whenever we’re in class together. I know you've never "fallen in love" or understood the experiences of truly liking someone so much you want to see them all the time, but this is just how it is. I hate to use this strong of a word, but love makes you do crazy things. its emotional and its very irrational thinking. It kind of puts into perspective seeing how God's love is irrational too, at least for me. Our short-lived relationship wasnt a big deal though, at least it shouldn't have been on my end.

i know we’re back to being friends but its different. It just means God has different plans for us,a perfect plan thats way better than whatever the both of us mightve had in mind. so im glad it happened im glad for the memories. i still like you, as a friend of of course. i really enjoy your presence still and id still like to be close friends with you. I’m always there to pray for you and whatever you might want to pray over, know that me and the others are always there! i just want to let you know you made me really happy as a friend and a girlfriend. so, thanks for making me laugh so hard my guts ached, thanks for liking me even if it was just as a friend, thank you for making me feel, even if it were momentarily, like my life was too good to be true, like the happiest woman on earth. Thank you for being my friend. I’m keeping you in my prayers.

with unconditional platonic love,

me

I feel really upset right night and I am hoping that writing out everything and focusing on that makes me feel better. It often does. But I hate feeling like this. I feel very winded and uncomfy. I don't enjoy that at all.

But t wasn't a bad day. It was mostly just cold.

I actually felt pretty good today. I woke up in a pretty good mood. And I liked my outfit. Even if I was bundled up for the better part of today so no one would see it. I would know.

Our plan was to make sure everything was packed up in the car and then go get bagels. I was slightly on edge. I don't know why but I felt a little. Irratable. I still am. I hate it. And I hate how upset I got at the bagel place.

We got there and it was very busy. Not surprising. But then we didn't get a receipt and I was worried we wouldn't know when our food was ready. And they kept saying to come get your drink if you ordered on a kisoask (which we did) and James was just. Failing to go get the drink. And I was like. Get it. And they weren't and finally I had to go grab it and I was just. So annoyed in that moment. I needed to get out of there.

So we went and sat outside. Which was better. I am glad we did that. I calmed down. We got our bagels. They were great. Even if mine had a little bit of onion bagel taste. It was still such a good texture I didnt even care.

We got to the market at 11. And I was nervous everyone else would be set up but we were still basically the first ones there. We were already set up by the time others came. But that was alright. It would be a colder and greyer day, so there was not as much foot traffic. But we actually sold the same amount today that we did yesterday. I am really happy with our consistency.

But it was a slow day. I enjoyed my snacks. They gave us hand warmers and I would end up with them in my shoes keeping my toes warm. It helped a lot. I am glad I brought my shawl and would wear that as the day went on. Kept me comfortable.

I did get a weird SOS text from my dad and called worried, but it was just a phone mistake. Poor dad. I hope that mom was able to fix whatever happened to the phone that made it weird.

We had some good chats today. I bought myself a crystal from the crystal sellers. I gave myself a budget and was so excited when they had strawberry quartz carved into a strawberry and it was under budget?? Amazing. I need to find a good way to displace this because its so cool.

Everyone pretty much agreed we would all pack up at 430. No one wanted to be there in the dark when it was already so cold. But until hen we would have laughs and make sales and it was a good day.

James's groomsman Gabe and his girlfriend came to say hi. I was excited that a friend came. I feel like no one I know ever comes to my markets or shows and it kind of hurts my feelings if I think about it for to long. But they came and that was awesome. They even bought a kit for making a bear. Which was a funny thing that was requested a few times today. To take an unstuffed bear and a bag of cotton to do it at home. And hey, whatever makes you happy. I just hope I gave them enough cotton. It can be hard to eyeball.

After our friends left me and James started packing up. It did not take long. And the sun setting was beautiful. We got everything nicely in the car and headed home.

We got everything inside. I did not put anything away, just in my room. Tomorrow will be a cleaning day. I have a lot of new stuffies to make this week to be ready for next weekend.

We would go hang out in James's room. James watched football. I played animal crossing for a while. I have an idea for our farm so I had to order some pieces. I decorated my 40th vacation home. And they had a party. It was cute.

I finished playing that and just watched videos and cuddled sweetP for a bit. James would go for a little nighttime ride. And brought us back fries from burger king. So that was a nice little snack.

I got a shower. And now we are n bed. And my lower back hurts. I am trying my bet to not be annoyed about that and my nose and not being the right temperature. Oh fun my nose just started bleeding. That hasn't happened for a while.

Well I am going to go deal with this now. I hope tomorrow is restful and I get the whole apartment shipshape and make a few plushies. Wish me luck. Goodnight everyone!

Within a couple days of my mom passing my mother was just going out shopping and shit

She kept calling me asking how i am. Fucking terrible what do you think

As usual she doesnt wanna listen to me talk about mom and she got mad when i wouldnt say anything.

Dont call me. Leave me alone

My grandfather is miserable crying being surrounded by places my mom was and food she ate and stuff she had. He went to the er a few days ago and then was called back in he has an infection of some kind but they dont kno what

My uncles 13 year old dog died a couple months ago and then he went to the hospital for 2 months with covid and then pancreatic problems of some kind. He doesnt talk to me but im told he’s miserable and crying too

So my mother this obnoxious fucking child who hates when the attention isnt on her. So she went out and got high. I told her ill block her if she does that shit and her friends yelled at her.

Her ex bf stopped talking to her a few days before my mom died - dont know dont care why. Well she wont stop crying over him and my uncle told her to be grateful for the friends she has. She replied with ‘you wouldnt like it if i told you be grateful for your friends if your wife died’ she told her that was fucked up and is mad at her now. She thinks shes justified in saying that. I asked her if her ex died. She said no but “he may as well be dead because he wont talk to me”

My grandfather got back from the hospital this morning. Now shes saying that she feels oh so sick and thinks she needs to go to the hospital

SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS AND ITS MADDENING

Oh your all sad over mom well stop being sad. Youre still sad? Well look at me im more sad - so sad that im fucking myself up now. Oh youre still upset yourselves and not refocusing on me? Well you should because i have it worse because more than one person in my life just died-dont care that hes not actually dead-ive lost more than you pay attention to me!! No no dont all pay attention to the heartbroken sick widow in the hospital- im sick too!!! More sick than him probably!! “Everyone forgets i also have asthma and prediabetis and blah blah blah everything THEY have AND MORE!!” <—— her response also anytime my mom was having issues with her asthma

When my mom started forgetting how to take care of herself she went to the barn and came to the house literally unable to breathe. It was horrifying. I saw her and didnt know what to do but luckily realized she probably needed her inhaler as i was calling an ambulance. I didnt know where hers was and ran to my mother asking to borrow hers.

Me in tears frantically on the phone with 911 saying moms having an asthma attack let me borrow your inhaler - was met by angry resistance from my mother demanding to know why cant she use hers?! Shes sick of sharing stuff with my mom!! She needs it

GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING INHALER BEFORE MOM DIES

keep in mind my mother doesnt work. She got fired from all her jobs when i was young for STEALING then she just refused to work. When i was going to college she got social security which shed been fighting for for years after abusing the welfare system. She doesnt pay rent or anything. She get money from the government.

So the fact that she doesnt work for all the stuff she gets makes it infuriating that she has issues with sharing food and her FREEE medical supplies with my mom..had

Ive told her several times already that i cant just mourn in peace because of her. None of us wanna have to fight with her rn. She literally always feels like this giant aggressive irrational animal wreaking havoc in a tiny store full of glass

And she does break everything. Yes. My old house was old af and a lot of stuff (the floors) were falling apart. But not stuff we bought - the sink the cabinets the fridge the oven the microwave ect. She slams bangs and hits things. Stomps around. Breaks everything. Breaking stuff we had kept in good condition for years. I cried one time cause i came down to the kitchen snd saw she broke the glass on the cabinet for the dishes… everything… she broke everything.

She trashed my room. We put a lock on it to keep her out. Shes taking advantage of my mom to now go in my room and leave trash in there assuming that everyones too upset to fight her on it. My aunts gonna lock it back up when she visits tuesday so i guess my mothers not gonna send my package because now that shes set foot in my room she feels entitled to it

Thats another thing she does. If she asks you for a favor and you do it. If you say no the next time shell attack you and scream and rage and fight you because she takes it as granted the second you say yes to something ONCE

And it’s stressful calling her and her wanting me to baby her (rn that shes sick and thinks she need to go to the hospital. Before with her drugs)

Maybe shed get more sympathy from me if she didn’t literally do this to me since i was A CHILD

She stole my breakfast in kindergarten. She still thinks that was ok because her. An adult. Didnt have someone taking care of her and giving her food so i, a 5 year old, could just eat later!!

i have. a tendency to get like. black and white about ppl. like, if they say a few rude things or arent as careful as they could be about triggering me i assume they hate me or are evil or something. but maybe its more complicated than that. like it was all just accidents and misunderstandings? see i was mad at someone i live with but the terror got too big and bc of weird trauma bullshit my brain started gaslighting me. and now i cant remember enough about why i was mad at them to actually trust that i had a good reason or not... i think i did? but i dont remember properly. and i don't trust my own memory. which is a trauma thing from being gaslit by my own mom for years. and then later by a specific.. ex friend. bc i had memory problems and big emotions and couldn't remember details, she'd twist things whenever i was upset with her and blame me. and now its built in and i gaslight myself bc a lot of ppl would tell me how irrational i was and how my memory wasnt reliable. and ppl didnt trust what i said bc it wasn't convenient. so bc i was inconvenient and had memory problems i was the problem. blah blah blah. hard not to feel crazy living in this head. anyway i talked to housemate i was upset with and i was expecting them to be mean bc i was scared of them but they were kind and sad and now im questioning everything i thought i knew and feel guilty. like ive hurt them somehow. or maybe just for assuming the worst? i put my msgs to them thru a polite filter so its probably fine. they did make me feel rly horrible i didnt make that up even if it feels rn like i did. so this is fine probably? theyll keep working on being nicer. ill keep working on being nuanced. i care about their well-being regardless of how they feel about me bc i want to like them ultimately. they flip a switch in my brain somehow that makes me want their approval... i got brain problems. im tired of writing this post *dabs* *end of post*

i should keep a proper diary.

rambling about emotions and self-control

i think one of the things that pisses me off the most when family members criticize me is when they say that i’m “bad at controlling my emotions”. first of all, I have ADHD and bipolar simultaneously, my emotions are a hundred times fucking stronger than yours. secondly, i am actually excellent at controlling my emotions. i am the kind of person where if i am having a panic attack, you might not have any fucking clue that i’m even having anxiety unless i state directly that im having a panic attack. ive had PAs so bad where i legit thought i was about to die and not a single shred of that world-ending panic touched my external affect for a second. part of my fucking trauma revolves around having to hide my distress to avoid freaking out other people, which means that i learned to develop a diamond fucking grip on my external signs of distress. it’s deeply maladaptive in some situations, but in other situations it’s equally as useful. and yet because i am very animated and exaggerated in my persona, people assume that i just let my emotions fountain everywhere uncontrollably and that i’m just a waterfall of feelings.

incorrect. every bit of exaggeration in my affect is deliberate. i am not acting like a clown because i can’t control myself, i am purposefully choosing to exaggerate to convey my feelings more effectively. if i don’t want you to know what i’m feeling, you will never ever ever find out. there are some people i interact with on a regular basis whomst i fucking loathe deeply, and yet any time i interact with them i am completely personable and friendly. when im streaming video games on a high difficulty and get frustrated from having to do the same part over and over and over again, i never get tilted on stream. i dont yell or rage, and in fact the more frustrated i become the more blank and expressionless my affect turns. when i was playing dead space 2 on zealot difficulty on stream recently, all of my viewers were complimenting the fact that i spent at least two collective hours on trying to beat the final boss and yet still did not get visibly upset or pissed off once.

yes, my emotions are strong. i have two separate disorders that both have “emotional dysregulation” as some of their biggest negative side effects. my bad moods feel like a fucking firestorm most of the time and strong emotions are very difficult to handle and control. sometimes, my emotions get the better of me and i snap or get irritable. but the only time i’m irritable is when i feel physically and emotionally like utter dogshit and the bad mood impacts my ability to hold back my emotions. the truth is that in my day to day life there are dozens of fucking things that irritate the living hell out of me and i choose to discard my frustration rather than stay mad about something trivial--either that, or i feel the frustration intensely, but bite it back and don’t say anything because i’m not in the mood to pick a fight. if i’m being pissy with you, it’s because i’m completely fuck-out of all mental and physical energy that i would otherwise use to hold back my irritation. there is nothing left to burn. there aren’t even fumes in the tank. this bitch empty, so prepare for the yeet.

the problem that i run into with my family members is that this internal struggle to contain my emotions is completely invisible to any external viewers. they’re not me, of course they can’t see what’s going on in my head. what makes that an issue is that they don’t see the twenty fucking times i got irritated and managed to control my temper through the frustration, they only see the five or so times i lose control. my efforts are invisible to everyone around me, so when i finally do get fed up and make a snippy comment or complain, it seems like i just let my emotions get the better of me all the time.

to be fuckening honest, if the people who criticized me lived one fucking day in my shoes, the extremity of my emotions would exhaust them within hours. the thing is, i’m 25 fucking years old, which means i’ve lived with this shit for over two fucking decades. i have learned to control myself to an extent, and, being honest with yall? it fucking exhausts the living shit out of me all the goddamn time. it’s like my brain expends all my mental fuel reserves on overclocking my emotions as hard as possible while leaving no fuel left over for activities in the day that i actually need to do. it’s part of the reason i’m so fuckdamn tired all the fuckdamn time. but i’m not bad at controlling my emotions when i actually have the energy to do so. in fact, i’m so good at suppressing them that half the time, people don’t know i’m upset at all. to a certain extent, i’ve gotten used to how extreme my emotions are, and have started learning to predict what sets me off so i can make an effort to avoid the negative stimulus and save myself the frustration. i’m just really fucking tired of people accusing me of not controlling my emotions well enough when god fucking damnit you have no idea how hard i’m actually fucking trying!!! it feels like i’ve gotten so good at hiding my distress in my day-to-day life that now people have no fucking idea how shitty i actually feel until they poke me one too many times and i fucking bite their finger off, and then assume that i just randomly blew up on them with no reason or justification. that i’m just behaving like this to spite them personally.

i promise you im not fucking behaving randomly. in fact, my frustration triggers are actually pretty fucking consistent. the same bullshit behaviors will always piss me off; what changes on a day-to-day basis is how well i control the extremity of my reaction. if i’m having a good day, i have enough fuel stores to go “meh, whatever” and brush it off without being too bothered for very long. if i feel like shit, my ability to control my response is hampered and it becomes much harder to bite back a snippy comment. i’m not lashing out to be malicious or spiteful. i’m lashing out because you’ve been doing this shit every day for the past two fucking weeks and today i’m just too tired to deal with this fucking bullshit anymore. my reaction is not a sudden unprovoked blowing up of a bomb. it’s “you poked the caged animal one too many times and now it’s going to fucking bite you to make you stop because it has no other way to express its frustration”.

i try to be clear and concise with my boundaries, and frankly i don’t think they’re all that unreasonable. i like to be able to decide when and how i do a task on my own time rather than being pushed and pulled and jabbed and pressured every step of the way. i like to be able to have my own space where people have to get my permission before entering suddenly so that i feel like i have a safe place to hide when i’m overstimulated. i like to decide when and where i want to engage in socialization, and for how long. i like being able to decide when i’m ready to do a task, rather than having a task suddenly shoved on me with no warning or being pressured to do it before i’m ready. i do not like being gifted objects i did not request (and often actively requested not to get) and then being expected to be grateful for something i didnt even want in the first place. i don’t like gifts coming with invisible price tags and obligations that can change whenever the gifter decides they want more out of me. and i absolutely cannot. fucking. stand. passive aggression. all of these things do not really seem all that unreasonable to me, yet time and time again people treat me like i’m just asking for so much more than they can possibly give. and you know what? 75% of the fucking time when someone crosses one of these boundaries all i do is Make A Note Of It and go along with the boundary violator’s wishes anyway, because i actively decided that making a big deal out of them crossing my boundaries is not worth the effort of asking them to change their behavior, because throughout my entire fucking life i’ve been constantly treated as the irrational, unrealistic, crazy bitch for trying to set those boundaries. i’ve been taught time and time and fucking time again that defining my boundaries is too much to fucking ask. so when someone does violate my boundaries, there’s a little “Sye will remember that“ popup and absolutely zero expression or reaction. which means that yes. when i finally get tired and can’t bite back my frustration any longer, it’s because you’ve done the exact same thing to me two hundred fucking times previous and i don’t have the fucking patience to suck it up and deal with it anymore. im done with your shit.

so yeah. i’m a little bit fucking sick of people telling me that i have poor self-control. the fact that you think i have no self-control is an indicator of how good it actually is, because i’m so fucking good at hiding my distress that you don’t even have any idea how absolutely like a fetid mound of horse shit i feel like until my fuse finally burns all the way up. i can contain a 10-out-of-10 ‘i’m imminently about to die’ panic attack so well that not a scrap of that panic shows up in my external affect for even a second. i can suppress my pain on stream when it’s at a 7 out of 10 intensity or higher and be fucking on stream playing video games and commentating and show almost no sign of discomfort except for an intense concentrating face. don’t you fucking ever tell me that i’m bad at controlling myself. i’m a goddamn adult. i’ve learned how to control 90% of my fucking emotions so well that i could be holding a conversation with you imagining myself breaking your fucking nose and show absolutely zero sign of external hostility. i am good at controlling my fucking emotions. the problem is that my emotions are so world-endingly, apocalyptically intense that sometimes i just get too fucking tired to hold back, and then that’s when i bite. i’ m not just lashing out randomly with no provocation. i’ve been tread on a million fucking times and took it with a smile and you had no fucking idea. just because i bit you doesn’t mean i did it because i have no self-control. self-control? self-control???? don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control you headass bitch. i have a fucking supernova coming out of my brain and you’re telling me im weak for not being able to bite it back when your emotions have about as much intensity as a bowl of lukewarm porridge. don’t ever fucking criticize me for not being able to control myself when you’re playing life on easy mode and i’ve been stuck on expert all my fucking life. self-control. don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control ever again. you have no idea what the fuck you’re even talking about. fuck off.

ahh actually gonna elaborate on point 2 because I need to address it at some point. disrdered eatin mention (actually this is fairly run-on and turned into a lot so maybe dont read it, just gotta put it somewhere tho)

sorta like uhh when did it actually start idk I was going So Well with Having Food when I moved back here because people make dinner for me but hh yeah couple weeks ago like ah there’s just this state that says ‘hungry? how about: that’s fine” switched on and usually like the what is it superego or whatever kicks in on Day 1 of that impulse and says “actually, don’t care how chill you feel about it, you know thats incorrect for xyz Every Reason, so dont be a fuckwit, eat food” but this time even the rational brain voice was like ‘ok sure’ probably intertwined with the same ‘i need to control anything in my life right now even if that means ‘deciding’ to follow irrational impulses’ vibe that compelled me to repeatedly go walking at 2am and 4am and got me into this insomniac mess, anyway, so, point is, couldn’t convince myself to intervene in that conviction to not seek food when hungry and combined iwth my weird sleep-wake hours resulted in having basically one meal per day alongside a few cups of coffee (and like, handfuls of incidental pistachios or a couple biscuits, pretty devious how snacking on those would obviously not constitute as Enough Food ever but manage to still act as a ‘I know distantly that in the past I’ve resisted this kind of disordered behaviour as best I can but right now it seems right and if it was actually so bad up in the brain here then I’d be avoiding snacks entirely so there is yet no need to try harder to halt this’) yeah look is it any wonder everything went to shit this week goddamn didnt expect to go this in depth, also worth noting that I knew the fact I hadnt made posts about it here (when I have been making posts all year about various Weird Relationships With Food I’ve been going through) meant it was bad even though I coudlnt convince myself it was WRONG-bad LMAO ANYWAY I didnt actually fix this issue in the brain but since I’ve been so deadtired from unwilling sleeplessness I have thus been very reliant on food for energy (also for passing the goddamn time on these long, long days) which means I’m back into eating (I didnt have an active ‘eating is bad’ impulse and I didnt deny any offers of food, I had a more passive ‘not eating is good’ ...so didnt seek it out ah.. which I have at least overidden, I have been: seeking out food) which is why NOW the reason I am writing this now is that I need to commit it into writing while I can because then I will have a self accountability post if I try to be a fuckwit about this all again because I would have felt guilty if anyone KNEW and Indeed I feel guilty that it might be very concerning but hhhhh look it’s a longer conversation I’ll cry if i get into it but I’ve done erally well so far (during an entire lifetime of Knowing im susceptible) to mentally counteract any such leanings toward food avoidance and Im upset that this one got away from me anyway leaving it here gotta get back to whatever I was actually doing before I started typing today

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

252.8lbs

Remember what I said the scale is a pound off. So I’m actually 251.8lbs.

Okay where to start.

EXERCISE

I’m getting lazy already. I-

It’s only day 2. It’s not that I have no energy. It’s the fact I keep glancing at the clock during my workouts and keep getting upset about how much time I have left. If I have 14 mins left it takes me forever to do simply because I don’t want to. I have the energy too, I just idk. But honestly these last two days are the only times I have finished my workouts to completion.

PHENTERMINE

Idk why I feel like its not working as strong as it did yesterday. I still have no hunger. Well it comes and goes. I tell you the truth I don’t care about food anymore. The hunger is like rolling black outs. As soon as I get hungry the phentermine KILLS my appetite. And when I say kill I mean murders it. So its not like you will never feel hunger it just won’t be that long.

I think I’m getting irratable or maybe finally getting a back bone. I got annoyed today at work. We are short staffed at work because everyone quit. So now we have no bussers, and so now the servers expect me to fucking bus, I’m not a fucking busser. They are supposed to pre bus and they don’t well guess what, if you don’t fucking pre bus I won’t seat you. The busser we have asks for my help constantly. Idc if you don’t think I’m doing anything fucking bus yourself thats your job. If I have to bus, you better ad that to my wage. They’re not slick and I’ll show them how bitchy I can get. I don’t mind helping. But don’t expect me to do your fucking job. These people literally walk past mess like they didnt see it waiting for someone else to do it. Fuck off. Sorry had to get that off my chest.

Liquid Fast

Because my appetite is completely gone I decided to make use of this phentermine the best I can. I don’t feel like eating but I do get thirsty. I can’t completely do a water fast because I think phentermine is supposed to be taken with food. Or sumn. But I figured this is the faster way to lose weight. On myproana I saw this girls thread she lost 50lbs in 31 days on a liquid diet. And her starting weight was 200. She did exercise but just walking. I’m starting at a higher weight I could lose more. She was losing an average of 1.6lbs a day. Thats how much I need to lose. If I start tommorow. I will lose at least 34 pounds by valentines day and I’ll be 218lbs which is one of my goal weights. I hope I can lose more.

Other people have lost 33lbs in just two weeks so I could maybe get to 45lbs

Anyway thats what I’m doing. Not thursday. Ugh I wish I could start thursday but I got a free chick fila biscuit, I don’t think about food but I’ll kick myself knowing I had something free. I’m not making sense but idc. I have to eat it. A character flaw I’m trying to get over. Having to eat everything. I’m nut hungry but I still don’t and do think about food.

Idk why but I’m always late to work. I could of gotten it today. But its okay tommorow is a 400 calorie day so a chick fila biscuit is 450 and then I think thats all I’m eating. Maybe get a powerade. So I won’t have to stay at the gym long maybe just 22 mins.

So my liquid fast will consist of

Powerade (I fucking love powerade)

Arizona tea

Water

I will have one full fat one and one diet. Every drink I need to drink 1 litre of water.

My goal is to lose 43lbs in 3 weeks. So I can be at 209

I will be SOOOOOOOO FUCKING HAPPY AT 200.

I use to think I’ll only be happy when I reach my goal weight but as I stated before 200 I could pull cute guys and my stomach was flat.

I think I will continue my liquid fast because I’m getting tired of exercising off all the shit I eat.

What else. Wow this is disorganized. Not in the order where it usually is. Um. I’m gonna go look up liquid fasts on myproana now. I really want to be 200 before valentines day. My confidence will sky rocket.

Idk bye I guess

:/

so today was a really bad adhd day n my mom is like "well you started your hw at nine of course you aren't getting it done" n its like i was gonna start it at 7:30 but you invited my aunt over so i chated w yall and then when i was going to start my work you took a comment i made abt my dad as an invitation to have one of our toxic bitchfests so i didnt actually start until like almost ten and then of course i got overwhelmed by everything because i dont know how to like activate my 504 plan or iep or whatever the fuck it is and people are relying on me and you cant then take my own overwhelm abt school to say that i should quit my job or call out this weekend when i have a bunch of games booked AND i was late on tuesday and i don't get shit done anyway!!!! i always say i have too much work to do but then i never can do it!!! the only reason why this shit was so hard today was that i dont care about the subject matter and i got a late start and i have nowhere legitimate to work!!! my desk at my dads is in my room there and i get distracted and theres nowhere at my moms that isnt the hallway style dining room or my bed n i just !!!! cant do it!!! and this feeling of not being able to complete simple homework assignments just reminds me of last year and how shitty that was and i feel like i'll never be able to do work again which i know isn't true but then its like im not gonna quit my job just because i got a little behind on school like that is more my real life than any of this nonsense and my mom reacts to my being upset by matching my tone and acting like i'm causing the problem and not in fact reacting to the problem at hand which is i had a bad homework day !!! but like whatever but also she cant talk about how i'm limiting myself in the schools i'm applying to and then act like i can't handle working a few extra hours a week !! like i'm pissed at everyone right now i'm taking saturday off to see my fucking sister but if i cant get into her 21+ i'll say im gonna stay home and do work but i will not be able to. and maybe if i had been able to get out of my bullshit history class i would have more time to get work done in school and i wouldnt be in this situation but alas!!!! and then its like on top of all that bullshit im transing my gender so aggressively and so internally that i think i might explode but like !!! i asked my mom to refrain from interrupting me and making what i was saying about myself into something about my sister and then she looked at me like i was being crazy and irrational and its like maam im trying to have a conversation with you !!! like am i overworked (even though i barely touch half the amount of business that everyone i know experiences) and incapable or am i smart enough for an ivy league and just being difficult like pick a fucking lane madam im trying to figure my shit out. jesus fucking christ. ugh. whatever.