#that i will streight up not participate if there is group competition is going on at like a party. i dont like how it makes me feel. anyway
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#hello and welcome back to me oversharing on the internet but idk im being a brat so whatever#losing my mind over literally nothing. like not even bad things?#so this semester we had a class orientation toward a project for a nas a affiliated competition and i did a majority of the work organizing#collecting data. data analysis. and report writing. despite not finding it especially interesting. bc i dont care abt plants. point is i#did a lot of work. and it was fine. like a chore but fine. and the final meeting for the competition was yesterday and i have complicated#feelings abt competition. bc im not a competitive person. by which i mean i have the inclination to be competitive and i hate it so much#that i will streight up not participate if there is group competition is going on at like a party. i dont like how it makes me feel. anyway#our team was awarded with one of the awards and i just. idk logically i kno its good to have acknowledgement of work and im glad students#can put it on their CV but i just react like a crazy person. bc i have extremely high standards for myself and i cant stand it when ppl r#like: good work! when i dont think its good. like fuck off tell me how i can be better. so everytime i get a grant or something i freak out#and get upset at myself. which is irrational. and like if i didnt get it i think id be less upset? i dont even kno what to do abt it bc#theres the impluse to be like: i did a good thing? and i dont even kno what reaction im looking for. just tell me what i can do better and#move on i guess. no emotional reaction. dont make me pretend to feel good abt it. ugh. its stupid#idk this will be good for getting future funding i guess. not thst i wanna do this again. i just wanna work with the algae#unrelated#whatever. i need to go to the store. and pick up my new glasses :-/
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