IDK if you've seen Crown of Candy yet, but it's treatment of Not-Christianity is much better even if ultimately still negatively-oriented. It's more centered around the historical institution with Not-God being more of a force than a sapient being, and the pagan representation turns out to be sinister so it's consistent in not endorsing any strain of divinity in particular. Ravening War likewise does some interesting stuff with church-drama that doesn't cast genuine faith in a bad light.

I have watched both of those and I agree with you! It’s definitely a bit better because of all of that. It’s also more my genre anyway, which made it more fun.

It’s so tricky because there’s truth in both Comida and Fantasy High’s depiction of religion. I’ve met the Bobby Dawns and read up on the Belisabeth Brassicas. I understand that God can feel distant, like a force and nothing more. I am so angry and grieved at the damage the church has done to people. Any time there is a grasp for power or a putting down of others or another goddamned cult I want to just cry because this isn’t what it’s supposed to be and it’s horrible to just watch. Also I do believe that as much as possible there shouldn’t be an endorsement of one religion over another in entertainment, so not endorsing any particular religion in Dimension 20 is good.

But I feel such a connection with characters like Sir Morris Brie. Because I’m a Bible-believing Bulbian. I’ve studied my god and I’ve also met him. And he’s not like Helio at all. He loves me. Has always loved me. Has always wanted what was best for me. Has grieved with me when I’ve lost everything in little ways over and over again. Has been my father and friend when I haven’t been able to trust one and didn’t know how to have the other. And I’ve been able to trust the Bible over and over again even if I haven’t always agreed or understood.

And it’s just never represented. D&D has always felt like the closest thing to representation for me, as a Bible-believing queer person. And Dimension 20 (again, understandably, it sounds like Ally’s experience was awful and part of healing has been leaving) rarely if ever portrays someone with genuine faith in a Christian-esque god. Or if they do, it’s portrayed as toxic or ill-informed. And that sucks, frankly.

I get it, I truly do. No one gets more irritated than I do at bigoted ignorant Christians and I will fully doxx myself by saying I have been to the American South and I would NEVER live there willingly because of the culture.

But I tend to listen to the more neutral Dimension 20 campaigns. It took me so long to try A Crown of Candy. Because I don’t just respect my religion; I love my God. And I hate to see the slander, especially because some of it is true and even more especially because some of it is not.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD okay.

so i watched the 8 hour jack stream(jesus) aka watched genloss top to bottom again and listened to his theories and stuff(i really vibe with the "kidnapped as kids" angle more now) and started thinking about some theories he and chat mentioned and.

now im thinking with like. ok its probably a pretty common theory, this post was what prompted this additional idea of mine actually, but ill explain it a bit: the theory that, since sneeg and charlie can come back over and over again, and they have referenced like, refusing to do the cooking challenge in ep 1, and how charlie was playing the mouse trap but ate the cage, they have obviously done the same kind of scenes we saw ranboo do, right. and then in the Announcement video we see the same kind of "missing poster" type headshots of them, with the caption "Found them!"

i dont remember exactly where it was confirmed that showfall made the missing person posters, but like. yeah. these images are for missing posters like ranboo had. and with sneeg being caught by the security in ep 3, he had tried to escape, just like ranboo and charlie. and i feel like this wasnt the first or last time they have tried this!

also, during that screenshot the announcer says "our hero will meet a cast of crazy characters, who you may recognize", aka the audience has seen these "actors" before in other things! this is their first live show but what have they made before...?

then, with one of the Very first lines Ranboo says in the first episode, "it wasn't supposed to be like this"... showfall/hetch made it seem like this is ranboos first show and he's being tested for how well he does as The Hero.

I dont think what we saw is Ranboos first time starring in a showfall production.

its the first live thing like the announcement video said but i think hetch lied when he talked about how its a test, i think Ranboo's been here at least a few go arounds, if not tens/hundreds/thousands of times. WHICH MEANS in the end when he gets his memories back... theres an infinite amount of possibility of things they could remember for what they have been made to do in the past :) Bc remember, while this is comedy->horror, it was still relatively tame and non-explicit (at least by my personal standards?) so it is quite possible they have been in more R rated horror stuff, slashers, gore, actual saw, some kind of even worse psychological horror things, but also that they might have had incredibly good experiences like love and joy and community and anything positive too, and to remember all that in a rush... oh boy so i believe it is a circular reproduction, maybe they run through scenes repeatedly over and over while perfecting every little detail and getting different takes of genuine emotion but every time Real and a First experience... some kind of purgatory(omg christian hell reference) or endless torture or such...

ok that got really maybe unneccessarily angsty so heres my other thought:

i love me a fucking colour theory and colour symbolism! it bothered me a bit how like. in the promo game we get ranboo, then green friend/the villain(obviously charlie, tho the villain part still confuses me a Bit since its not quite true?), the blue friend/the taken(obvs sneeg) and then the red stranger/the saviour. and like it would logically follow that the red is hetch right?

jack when theorising said the titles are self descriptive, which i buy into, at least for the first episode context, charlie is the villain role, sneeg was taken(put in a cage and later snatched by the sharkciclester), and hetch was trying to help and save ranboo from this situation! but then in the second ep we also have red puzzler, and red niki? i WISH niki had. any kind of bigger role to build a Saviour type off of her but i dont think she does :( the puzzler is an option, since they make it seem like the puzzler tries to save ranboo? and thats actually a whole other thought like. since we know hetch was not actually helping ranboo, was the puzzler Genuinely helping them, and somehow showfall found out and killed him?? idk ANYWAYS that colour coding falling apart a bit made me think about how ranboo is also red!! rgb trio yknow??

if the titles are self descriptive... well i dont think Ranboo really felt like The Hero much, especcially not in the end...

I think Ranboo is actually meant to be the Saviour.

Esp with the jesus coding! I believe this kind of thing has happened many times before, with sneeg/charlie/ranboo/others realizing that shits fucked, and trying to escape, only to be caught and put back in the production. I think Ranboo(main character syndrome) was in a previous iteration the Saviour, who tried to help sneeg and charlie and others get out of there, to save them, save everyone. but they failed. got captured. once again waking up again with a "it wasn't supposed to be like this..."

and so the cycle continues, and the content wheel keeps spinning.

(ive only been in tumblr tags so feel free to link me any other ppl who arrived at the same conclusion)

While I was working with former work bff this week, I mentioned something about how former office crush #1 broke up with his girlfriend somewhat recently, and after some brief sympathy for him, she automatically shifted into eyebrow-waggling mode, going, "Sooo, if he's single now, do you—?" Which makes sense, of course, since him dating that girl was why I did finally move on; there was an initial attempt, while he was still single but I'd learned he was an atheist, and it only ended up in a spiral until it just wasn't an option anymore. But before she even finished the sentence, I was shaking my head, explaining that no, absolutely not, we have massively different values and it would never work. Did I think, for a second, when he told me - of course I did, you don't hear "hey I'm single again" from the first person you fell in love with and not have that thought, I think, not if there was never a wedge between you, anyway. "Are you sure?" she pushed. But even if it were an option - and whatever overly optimistic possibilities I may sometimes indulge about the past, it sure isn't now - I still wouldn't want that. Honestly. (Mostly honestly.) Which is progress. As I explained to her, I love being friends with him, but I'm friends with lots of people I'm quite different from, and my one non-negotiable is I will not date a non-Christian. She was quiet for a bit and then said, "I really wish it had worked out for you with [the adventurer]," and I sighed and agreed, because yeah, that one just made sense. That one's more recent, but I never let it spin out of control like with OC1 (surrendered it to God from day one), so it's not as hard to marshall the what-ifs - but it does still suck, sometimes, especially because he's still the same, you know, still one of my favorite people and still unfairly good-looking and still in my orbit all the time, and it still makes sense and it's a bummer that he wasn't interested in dating at all and I don't think I was ever really an option that way. But it is what it is and I genuinely am okay with it. What I realized, after all this - and I think our conversation afterward helped me understand, especially where she kept saying she would not have made it without me and she's constantly wishing she could give me one fraction of that back, and despite my honest assurances, I don't think she sees that she has, a hundred times over - is that it's not so much that she specifically wants to see me with any one of these boys, it's that she wants to be part of my happiness in that way, and it frustrates her that she hasn't had the opportunity to even try in a long time. So I told her one of my goals for this year is to try the dating app thing, much as it strikes me as less than ideal, and I asked for her help with a profile and figuring out what to say in general. She loves having a mission, and I trust her impressions of people (for me, anyway) - and she's a born hype woman, there's no one who could talk me up better, lol. I'll need Bible study bestie's buy-in too before doing anything with that goal, because I need a friend who loves Jesus to be on my team... but the point of this, I think, was reflecting on how grateful I am for this friendship, and the way she is automatically my cheerleader and wants to be part of good things for me. Everyone needs that kind of friend, truly.

The mass on Christmas this year felt different... I was less into it, more distanced from it. Part of it was that the Church didn't use candles and that I wish we could have sung more than 2 or 3 verses of the hymns we sung (if it is a good hymn, please let me sing the whole thing, I'm not in a hurry). Part of it is that this Christmas came at the wrong moment for me emotionally. But another factor was that while I have fewer doubts about Christianity than in the past, these doubts have become more specific. And they specifically hit Christmas. Three points: 1. I have settled on an answer to the Problem of Suffering/Evil. I think that God creates for the benefit of the creatures he creates, and if he does that he will create every (sentient) creature for whom existence is preferable to non-existence, even if that existence includes a lot of suffering. This is IMO a good answer (and I will try to publish it in an academic article next year). But it has the problem that many creatures who hope for eternal life will not experience it. They will have a good life, but will hope for something they may not receive - and I could very well be one of these creatures. There is perhaps a way out of this in Christian theology - maybe "The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death." (1 Corinthians 15:26) means that Jesus' ressurrection somehow makes death - going from existence into non-existence - impossible. But I do not know how and if such a thing would even be logically possible. (In addition, it hinges on a specific bible verse, which I view as problematic - see point 3.)

2. An understanding of God that seems plausible to me is that God is a being that has all true properties to the fullest extent, and that creatures are differentiated from God by not sharing all of his properties to the full extend. For example, humans have the property of knowledge and existence, but not of omniscient. Elementary particles have no knowledge but still share the property of existence with God. (This requires a depravation-theory of evil: evil is not a true property, but the lack of some property.) The problem with this, however, is that if God and humans are differentiated by God having some properties that humans lack, how can God become human?

God becoming human is what is celebrated on Christmas, and it is difficult to celebrate something that you are not certain is possible.

3. If I was confident that 2 is just a lack of understanding but that I could trust revelation that God did actually become human, maybe that would be enough. But I am not confident that everything the Bible says/everything the Church teaches is correct. I think the general events described in the New Testament likely happend, but the individual verses reflect the respective authors understanding, they aren't dictated by God. And I am not confident that the general events described necessarily lead to the conclusion that Jesus was God. In the Church the divinity of Christ was disputed until at least the end of the fourth century.

I do plan to do my doctoral research (if I get the opportunity) on the epistemology of religious revelations. Maybe I will end up with a sufficient justification for beliving in the divinity of Christ. Maybe I will realize ther is no such justification. But right now I simply don't know.

In the past, Christmas was often a sort of religious escapism for me. For a few days I would simply affirm what I hoped to be true, because I was uncertain about so many things that I felt it didn't matter, and the incarnation is very appealing as a concept. But now I am much more secure in many of my beliefs, so the points where I am not sure have become a lot more noticable and specified.

any thoughts on how spike and angel show their genders when they where human vs vampires

Yes!

So it's really fascinating to me what bits of how they present themselves do or don't change through the centuries. And I can't tell which bits of this is for, like, internal reasons, and what's a response to the changing cultural ideas of what makes a man.

We've talked before about how Spike (as a vampire) seems to see himself as a masculine object - talking about himself as the corpse of a man (like in Once More With Feeling), like he's being animated by his obsession with Buffy as much as he is by the vampirism. And with the whole "I know I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man" thing too, for Spike the vampire there's this recurring thing of A Man being not something he Is so much as something he'd like to be.

I've only seen the one scene of him as a human man so some of this was outsourced to @transangelus who's watched Buffy many times. But the thing about human Spike is he also tied a lot of himself to the women in his life, clinging both to his mother and to the women he tries to seduce with terrible poetry, even (especially?) when that's unsuccessful. Spike as a human man is... not wholly successful just in general, actually.

From an article on Victorian masculinity and how it affects our present understanding, "Victorian public school boys were strong, stoical and athletic – ready to die for their country, but not to talk about their feelings." Now, that sounds like pretty much the opposite of what we've seen of William Pratt, a man who was:

Not a successful poet

Wrote primarily about his emotions

No indication that he was good at sports

Not physically intimidating

Left handed

Bad at seducing women

Bullied by other men

Defined by his relationships (and lack thereof) to women

I don't think I'd say Spike was "womanly" as a human, but he wasn't living up to what it meant to be a "man".

A lot of that is tied to not being physically powerful and not having a girlfriend - the reverse of which is pretty inherent to his vampire self. But somehow, as a vampire, he's Still drawn to nonconformity, wearing his woman's coat (stolen from Nikki Wood's dead body in the 70s), painting his nails black (the most masculine colour he could have chosen but like... this is during the era of "metrosexual", when even the fact that he puts products in his hair could be taken as a non-masculine trait), naming himself after a Thing Of Violence rather than keeping the cool manly William the Bloody, generally doing non-masculine stuff he wouldn't have had a chance to do as a human man. I think the main difference between his modern vampire self and his Victorian human self is that now the non-masculine facets of Spike's presentation are a choice rather than a failure. Every time he insults a man for being effeminate, it feels... well I'm not sure Exactly how self aware Spike is, but it feels like he's trying to get under their skin more than legit pick on them for being girly or gay yk?

Angel's pretty similar in some ways. Seen as a failure by his parental figure - that failure being tied to masculinity (direct quote from Angel's human father: "It’s a son I wished for – a man – instead God gave me you"). But from what we saw of Angel as a human... unless I'm missing some history info about 1700s Ireland, there's nothing non-masculine I can see! Angel as a human:

Used a man's name (Liam - the Irish version of William, interestingly)

Kept his hair long (in fashion at the time)

Regularly had sex with women (from an article about masculinity in this time period - "From around 1720 [...] the dominant, hegemonic man is no longer defined by his house-holding status and his good domestic and Christian order but by the fact that he desires and has sex only with women.")

Angel as a human didn't seem happy, or even content, with his masculinity. He sought for it and, like Spike, was accused of falling short. And I hate to say any bullies were right, but I Do think the "not a man" accusations were speaking to something inherent about Angel rather than any failures to live up to a cultural standard of masculinity.

Vampire Angel is interesting. I mean, taking the name "Angel" (not the most masculine of names) is one thing, but even (especially?) while soulless his masculinity is... not quite right, I'll say.

Angelus kept his look pretty much the same throughout his relationship with Darla - and while that shifted from being classically masculine to being more effeminate as the centuries passed, since he was going around with a 1600s women (who wouldn't care about such things) and acting as the family patriarch, any nonconformity was way less of a big deal. But once he gets a soul? He goes right back to forcing himself into cultural norms.

In the 50s he cut his hair and dressed like a greaser. In the 70s he kept it long but started wearing low cut shirts and leather jackets - possibly his least conformative souled era and it went badly enough to send him back to eating rats in the sewers. In the 90s and early 00s - with a brief break for Angelus to wear some eyeliner (imitating Spike? Imitating what he believes to be corruptive?) - he puts on such a strong facade of masculinity that the man posing as his Swami asks "Why do you hate yourself?", before saying that Angel consists of "The image you work so hard to create and the real you." (personal note - Angel refers to his demonic side as "it" during that conversation). Combined with how many times he's given the opportunity to take on something feminine and either Immediately reacts with fear and anger, or tries it out very happily before someone else sees or questions? Plus the refusal of the titles man, boy, Mr..... I can only see Angel's masculinity as an intentional facade covering something he's terrified of. Two things, actually. The internal calls to the feminine and to the demonic.

So... yeah! TL;DR - Human!Spike = struggling man tied to relationships with women, Vampire!Spike = successfully nonconforming corpse seeking personal masculinity in relationships with women. Human!Angel = successfully masculine in theory but somehow still not allowed into male socialisation, Vampire!Angel = deeply concerned with emulating an ideal of the Normal Man, repressing womanhood and evilness as if they equally reveal him as something other than what he strives for

C3E58 - reaction

I am very entertained that they are fighting a creature with many mouths who causes psychic damage from the sounds, considering I'm in the gibbering mouther section of my C2 rewatch and about to get to the laughing hand, so it's all just fucked up mouths for me XD

LOL the fact that FCG has started consistently fucking with who doesn't get bonded and it's an issue each time. I love it! Though I'm worried about their stress points, I'm also kinda looking forwards to a little blow up.

I saw a few spoilers about the episode before I watched so I WASN'T terrified when Fearne went down and got swallowed, but holy fuck if I hadn't known she lived for a threesome, that would have been so stressful!

I'm so glad we got to see at least a tiny glimpse of the wolf-king! I want Matt to post a picture of it on twitter please! Please please just for me!

Huzzah for bag of holding! Great with the notes and harness and rod for plot development, good for funds for refilling some pockets, especially because ...well, I don't even know what the funds status is of this group. VM was rich AF, M9 was poor AF, I have no clue where BH falls. Especially because a lot of it is based on RP (I think M9 probably had as much as BH, but rped as much poorer - nope I lied, counting today's haul, BH has like double the amount that M9 had by the same episode)

Wish we could have gotten more from the FRIDA moment, interesting that Matt has Christian be much more active in the rolls and directions, whereas with Ashton and Fearne's dad (not Birdie, I can't remember his name) they were much more passive while Imogen and FCG/Laura and Sam really took the lead. Confirmation of Aeor though! Sounds like they got smited by the gods though I don't think we had any idea previously that some Aeorians were against using the malleus factorum. Not surprising once I think about it for like, two seconds, but never considered it before.

THREESOME!!!!! Oh I SO hope that Fearne holds to her early game comment and does 'work her way through all of them'. PLS PLS PLS. Anyhow, a touching and mostly hilarious moment, I loved every second of it. I'm also pleased that the first kiss and first sex scenes were from PCs that it seemed like the fans went out of their way to desexualize, I love it.

All the gifts! Hoodies were adorable, and then two wooden gifts from Chet! With how frequently the table gave each other game related gifts out of game previously, I do enjoy how much it's a lot of in-game gifts now.

Oh fuck those scenes with the Changebringer and Dawnfather were INTENSE. HOLY SHIT. I am very hyped, for the gods to just force visions and make demands (at varying levels of demandingness)!!! I wonder how many non-PCs are also receiving these visions? Did Caduceus get one? Fjord? Pike and Vex and Scanlan? Random other clerics and paladins of the world?

Seriously, I am so hype. C3 took me a bit to settle it, but it is a very easy second place for me out of the three campaigns! Still won't beat C2 for me, but I'm pretty sure that's because 1) it was my first campaign and 2) it's when I really hit hyperfocus on CR and could watch two and a half to three episodes a day. ...yeah, I binged HARD on C2. Started late January 21 and finished in time to watch the finale live.

I'm also intrigued to see how all this is going to go. They physically CAN'T have Aabria and Christian playing once everyone is back together, there's just no room at the table. What is going to be the thing that splits them up? I wonder if it'll end up coming down to an NPC having to be 'group regulars go to this location, group guests go to this location' to have a natural and realistic separation.

sometimes, i really wish i didn't live in the bible belt.

i've been atheist my whole life. or at least, once i got old enough to question things instead of just blindly accept what my parents told me. though i was never good at that either, i was one of those kids that had to know things. i never bought into the tooth fairy or easter bunny, and i thought santa was just a game we all played and pretended to believe it. the idea of god felt the same to me, like some thing we were just pretending to believe in

except the grownups (and even some of the kids) actually believed it. so i went along with it, because my mom made me go to church with her, so it wasn't like i had a choice. but it never felt true to me, though i tried to make it feel real

i was 11 when i realized i never would and never could. i had tried to force myself to believe, but it never worked. i knew, deep inside, that there was no higher power. more so, i knew i couldn't keep spending my life living a lie. i knew i'd never be the believer i pretended to be.

and that scared me. not because the idea of hell or anything, but because i'd sat through more than one sermon and heard about how non-believers would burn in hell with the sinners. and my church 'family' seemed to agree. so that let me know that these people who called themselves my friends would be fine with seeing me burn in hell for all eternity, just because i didn't believe in the same invisible man in the sky as them

i didn't even believe in hell, but just imagine that. knowing that the people you've known your whole life believe you deserve to be punished forever for not believing what they believe. i'd already spent my entire life feeling like an outsider (multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses/disorders) so when i realized i could never be what these people wanted me to be, that i would never be able to convince myself to believe, it terrified me.

so much so that i got 'saved' in front of the congregation the next sunday. i pretended to believe as hard as i could. hell, i even wrote fake entries into my diary just in case anyone found it and read it

i was so afraid to admit i didn't believe. but so angry that i had to pretend. so i questioned things and made people uncomfortable. eventually, i had enough and said i was atheist. i was more angry than scared by then, fueled by teenage angst and hormones and the undiagnosed depression/anxiety disorders

in the end, I stopped going to church when my mother stopped forcing me. but the damage had already been done. i'd spent years trying to shove myself into a box i didn't fit it, for people that frankly didn't deserve that kind of sacrifice on my part

and there are still people who hear that i don't believe and judge me. who try to convert me. who think of me as less than them bc i don't believe what they believe.

i don't know why i'm thinking of this today. maybe bc my country is hurtling into evangelical christian fascism and that scares me. but i think growing up like that gave me some low-key religious trauma

and now I'll have to go back to work soon. where i'll have coworkers who ask me about where i go to church, who try to invite me to there's. to students who sometimes ask me questions about religion, and I have to say i'm "not religious" bc if i say i'm an atheist there's a good chance parents will complain about me teaching their child

i've literally heard a coworker being gossiped about and mistrusted bc he's openly atheist. people blatantly admitting they don't want to work with him. so i stay in my lane and stick to myself and try not to engage with these people beyond a professional level

i have to sit in anger, when we're forced to do something like pray in school, something that isn't supposed to be legal. hell, our superintendent makes us all pray with him when we have our yearly meetings

add to that i'm pretty far left when it comes to politics, i'm queer, and neurodivergant i don't feel like there's a place for me here. i live in a very conservative area. i'm talking majority trump fans conservative. but i'm trapped, too poor to escape. and it eats at me sometimes, being around all these people who if they knew me, would condemn me. even if i believe in letting people believe or disbelieve whatever they want and minding my own damn business about it

sometimes, i really wish i didn't live in the bible belt

A letter from a queer daughter to her mom

I love you

I know you love me

You held me in your arms tight, before they rushed me off to the NICU, without even a name picked out for me yet. You were so sick after I was born, and so was Dad, and so was I. What a trio were we! 

And yet, after all the APGAR score scares and the feeding worries and the bouts of preeclampsia and flu, we made it. Your little daughter, your first child and only little girl, named after both of your grandmothers. Here I am, all grown up, and queer. 

Dear Mom, I know you don’t get why queer people are queer, or choose to be out, and marry, and transition, and everything else queer people do. It’s not something you’re really meant to get. It’s not about you. But I know that’s not a satisfactory answer. It wasn’t for me for a long time. I know you don’t know all the right words to say, or the right pronouns to use, or the right phrases to stick to. I get it. I wish I could make it easier for you to keep track of everything; heaven knows how much has changed since you were born. 

You didn’t understand why I felt like I was running out of grace, or having to tiptoe between being queer and being your daughter. You promised that you’d love me and treat me well no matter what, and I believe you. I promise that I know you love me. 

I don’t know if you’d love my best friends, if you knew. I don’t know you’d take me seriously if I told you that the “boy” who wanted to date me in high school was actually a girl, or if you’d write her off as being too mentally ill to really know. I don’t know if you’d be excited for me to visit my internet friends if you knew they were getting married, as two non-binary people, instead of moving to a new country. It feels like every queer person you can think of has some extenuating circumstance or excuse to make you wonder if they’re really queer, or just traumatized, which doesn’t really comfort your daughter, diagnosed autistic and wondering if you blame my sexuality on my disability. Not, to be fair, that you’ve said anything to that effect. 

There is a whole part of my life that I just cannot share with you. How am I supposed to tell the person who spent an hour raging about trans people “forcing new grammar on people” that I’m happiest in my own body when I look visibly queer? That I want to be seen, not just as a girl, but a queer girl? That, if you didn’t FaceTime every week, I’d hang a pride flag in my room next to my crucifix and rosary? 

I dyed my hair and bought “unprofessional” skirts and got a button up with whales on it. I started doing my hair more and putting in hairbows and dressing up for no reason. I put pins with colorful beads on my lanyard. You see the clothes and the hair bows and the shoes and think “finally, she’s taking an interest in her clothing after twenty years”. I see the way my rainbow-pin-wearing classmates clock me and drop the tension in their shoulders. 

You have told me since I was little that God blessed me with a big heart. For a while, I wrestled with that, because I was naïve and gullible and too emotional for everything. It’s hard to make peace with, some days, that trusting people wholeheartedly sometimes means being led astray or hurt. But you encouraged me to surround myself with good Christian people, people with kindness and compassion, people who loved openly and gave generously without counting the cost. I have found them! I’ve found the people I want to grow up to become, people who love openly and warmly and reflect God’s love to others. And they are very often queer.

It keeps ending up that way, funnily enough. The people who seem to most embody God’s love keep ending up queer, or very supportive of queer people. And I think I understand why; the longer I held vinegar in my mouth, dripping hatred and condescension for queer people, the harder it became to love without some measure of distrust and fear, because what if they were gay? Or trans? Or something else I didn’t understand? I spent so long not knowing my own sexuality because I flatly refused to acknowledge it, even when my friends point-blank asked. I spent even longer terrified of how you reacted when I told you. My brother outed me. I’m lucky I’m the palatable flavor of queer for you, so you could encourage me to be a nun instead of trying to keep me from kissing girls or wearing boy’s clothes. 

It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what to do all the time. It matters that you care. It matters that you try. Queer people are not your enemy. They’re my people. Not some nebulous “them” with an agenda; but my community, my friends, and me. What you say about the most baffling and unpalatable queer person you can think of, in the privacy of your car ride home, you say about the comprehensible, palatable queer daughter in that car. 

I want to be able to tell you about my friends, my classmates, even my favorite DND podcasts. I want to be able to tell you about how cis people can get gender euphoria after all, and that when I looked in the mirror that first time with my blue hair and my new skirt, I got it. I want to be able to tell you that I’m finally going to participate in a wedding as the maid of honor, and not just the flower girl.

I wish I could rejoice with you and show you the Side A churches in our city, and have you come to Mass with me there one time. One day, when we’re both older, I hope we still can. There is so much joy to be had in being an openly queer child of God. 

Please come home with me. I want you in my life.

Sincerely, 

Your queer daughter, who loves you very much

Wow. It’s been forever. I look at this account that I made in my teenage years and I see a different person, not a good or a bad person, but a young me who had very different ideas about life and who I was. I have learned so much since then.

*deep breath* I don’t know if anyone remembers me or if anyone will even see this message. I posted a lot about MBTI here on Tumblr around 2014–2016, specifically trying to clear up some misconceptions about MBTI or how it works. I haven’t thought about MBTI in a long time. My world used to revolve around MBTI — it was the lens in which I viewed people in a time when I struggled to understand myself and others.

I grew up in a very strict, hyper-surveillanced Christian household and was only able to socialize in specific approved-of Christian social circles. My world was suffocatingly small, and I never really felt that I fit into it. Tumblr was a gateway to a larger world, where diversity existed and could flourish without having to duck and cover for safety. It was here that I learned about everything that was kept away from me: science, sexuality, gender, history, race, culture… the list goes on and on. Tumblr could not provide me everything I had to learn, but its community helped me be curious about what else there was out there that I desperately wanted to reach and be a part of.

In 2016, I left my family and small community in California to go to college in Washington state. For the first time, I could go wherever I wanted without needing anyone’s approval, and my life was my own to dictate. I struggled to learn what it meant to think for myself and allow myself to feel emotions without feeling guilty. Sometimes it feels like an angry God looms over me, but most of the time, I struggle with self-hatred.

I studied at the University of Oxford for a semester among students from other Christian colleges (I had to go to one to appease my family and school, and I’ve always wanted to make everyone happy all the goddamn time) and realized I had changed so much. While in the past I could fade away to the background among people whose lives and opinions felt so wrong to me, I then felt trapped. I experienced the worst depression I had ever felt in my life for several months since then. And that’s when my life began.

I realized I was bisexual, then I realized I am non-binary. Dating women and coming out to people who I know will never fully love me for who I am has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’ve lost a lot of people, gained a lot of people who I loved, and lost them again. So, hi, my name is Rachel. (Sometimes I toy with the idea of being called Dorian.) I am a trans-masc, non-binary person living in Seattle, and my life is nothing like what I thought it would be. I thought by now I would be married to a man with a career thinking about having children. I thought that being kind and denying myself was a good thing, but it hurt too much, so now I value fighting for myself and others who struggle to believe they are valuable enough to exist. I’m working the same job I did in college and I feel bad about that A LOT. I wish I were a teacher or professor. I’ve written a book like I always wanted to, but I’ve been editing it for over a year now, and I don’t think it will ever “become” anything. I feel lost and lonely, friendless, apart from my girlfriend/partner, who is my best friend, who surprises me every day with how much they can love me, despite that it feels like I am a person who is difficult to love. I don’t talk to my family anymore. But I’m angrily here and still existing despite it all.

And maybe I’m back on Tumblr because I’m feeling lost and lonely, like sixteen-year-old Rachel was, hoping to stop by here until real life becomes a little more.

2022 Reading Log, pt 11

It’s taken me a while to get up the energy to read this month, let alone reflect on what I’ve read. But here’s what I’ve been reading lately.

50a. Show Me the Bone by Gowan Dawson. I wanted to like this book; I really did. The concept is interesting: it’s about Georges Cuvier and his “Law of Association”, which claimed that the entire structure of an extinct or unknown organism could be inferred from a single bone or tooth (hence the title). And the thesis is interesting: it’s about how this original concept was distorted to fit multiple social, political and scientific agendas in England, culminating in its most visible incarnation of the Crystal Palace dinosaur sculptures, which make large, sweeping, and generally incorrect assumptions about the animals they depict. But the writing is so dull. The authorial voice embodies almost all of the bad habits of academic writing, to the point where getting through the book is a real chore. This is a book that I might come back to given a lot of free time and nothing else to read, but I’m too busy (and there’s so many books I’d rather enjoy) to struggle through it.

51. Phases of the Moon: A Cultural History of the Werewolf Film by Craig Ian Miller. The title refers to the main thesis—that there are phases of werewolf movies where the monster represents different ideas, rather than being a monolithic “the beast within” signifier, as werewolves are often reduced to. The book talks about Larry Talbot as being representative of the American experience in WWII in the Wolf Man sequels, discusses the fear of disease and the division of mental and physical illness with An American Werewolf in London, the anxiety about teen subcultures and school shootings in Ginger Snaps, and a lot more. One thing I particularly liked about the book is that it discusses some movies about non-werewolf shapeshifters when they’re thematically relevant (like a compare/contrast between Cat People and its dumber, werewolf ripoff Cry of the Werewolf).

52. Drakōn by Daniel Ogden. Now here’s a dense academic book that actually reads well. This is a survey of dragons and snakes in Greek mythology, religion and culture, starting with a look at the various myths about dragons and dragon slayers, and then moving to anguiform gods and snake cults. Although the basic stories are fairly familiar to me, there’s a lot of material that was new, typically sourced from authors whose works are less known and translated than Ovid, Homer or Hesiod. The last chapter talks about early Christian dragon lore, leading of course to Saint George, and how this was influenced by Greco-Roman ideas of how dragons worked. The one thing I wish this book had were more images. A lot of pottery and sculpture is described without being illustrated—we get accession numbers (many of the pieces that are not shown are from the Louvre) and occasional “reproductions by the author”, but a lot goes without images. Especially since some of the depictions sound wild (like a Hecate with a snake body, snakes for hair and two dog heads emerging from her torso).

53. Sticky: The Secret Science of Surfaces by Laurie Winkless. This is yet another popular science book from Bloomsbury Sigma, and like the rest of the line, it’s very good. The theme of the hour is material science, namely about the properties of surfaces and friction. Each chapter looks into applied physics for one particular topic—breaking the sound barrier, the behavior of rock causing earthquakes, and how geckos stick to ceilings are all discussed, to give you an idea of the breadth of the book. Each chapter highlights how much we still don’t know about friction, while simultaneously discussing how much we do know and can apply, even if the exact mechanisms are still debated. I never knew that the physics of curling were so contentious.

54. Envisioning Exoplanets by Michael Carroll. See folks, this is why you need an editor. This book is by one of the foremost authorities on the hunt for exoplanets (planets outside of the Solar System), and talks about how we find them, what we have found, what the planets are like and which ones may be able to support life. The art is gorgeous, showing images of stars, moons and planets vastly unlike ours but still seeming familiar and realistic. Unfortunately, the book is very poorly organized. Topics will change between paragraphs, or even within a paragraph, without warning or transition, or seemingly any obvious relationship between topics. Technical terms will be used before they are formally defined. Units are used interchangeably (notably AU, kilometers, and no actual numbers, just approximations of distance compared to the Sun’s planets). The overall effect is very stream of consciousness, as if you were having a conversation with an expert who was only sort of invested in making sure they were understood. There’s good stuff in this book, but sorting it out was a frustrating experience.

55. The Sleeping Beauties and Other Stories about Mystery Illness by Suzanne O’Sullivan. I didn’t realize that this was a follow-up when I grabbed this from the library, but this is a sort of sequel to Is It All In Your Head? which I read last year. The topic is again psychosomatic illnesses, but this time how they are viewed and manifested in different cultural lenses. The titular “sleeping beauties” are children, usually female, who go comatose in Sweden as a response to the threat of deportation. Other stories highlight how particular combinations of environment, culture and trauma manifest as physical symptoms, and how the cycle of pathologising normal fluctuations in pain, attention and the like are perhaps a Western manifestation of culture bound illness.

Where to start? First, I will get this out of the way, at the end will be a link to donate if you wish. I’d certainly appreciate it as there is a lot going on and getting to this point to make a simple blog post has been nothing short of a miracle. A long strange trip if you will.

One of the things that I’m asking for donations for is my sister. Step sister to be 100% straightforward. Being as its not me I am talking about here, the information I give here can only be vague and non specific. Out of respect for her privacy, and the fact she can not give permission for me to post about her, its made necessary that I do so. She is in the hospital, on a ventilator, kept in an induced coma. The fact is that she needs a heart transplant as well as a double lung transplant and the very best hospitals in the country are not exactly fighting over the opportunity to perform the surgery and risk their success stats, a single life and its success doesn’t seem to be a variable in their equation. There is insurance and there are things covered, but her family has expenses that most never even think about that we struggle to come up with. One of which being if one of these premier hospitals for this kind of surgery does finally give the ok, a temporary apartment will be needed, no matter if its in Nashville or Carolina (sorry not giving any ad space to the university’s hospitals and their names while they play hot potato with my sister’s life)

The next issue that I am working on and facing is an attempt to kickstart a business and company. Which involves many facets and many asshole like opinions that I care not to hear nor see. But much like the assholes we have to deal with, they are there and we often hear from them far more often than we would like. (Yes, I said asshole and I call myself the Savage Christian, Get used to it, or stop reading. More on that in another posting I am sure) I’ve been teaching myself a lot of different things that most get the privilege of going to school for, but I was not afforded that and that privilege is not mine. So from learning how to start a business and what and LLC is vs what Inc. at the end of your business name means and associates you with. The ins and outs of communications, the legal nature of these hide behind terms of service and arbitration clauses, privacy policies, developer programs, job postings, startup, pitfalls of using apps on a device vs a standard graphic user interface dos based computer. Throw in the eyePhone OS or eyePad OS then the McOS certainly in my opinion none deserving of any O-face of any coding. But I digress. Sometimes regress but hey, semantics #amiright. What I have found out in these bits could fill a novel and certainly a 2 part 20/20 expose.

The operative word here seems to be Agenda Agenda Agenda. Who has them and what are they. there is one company that certainly has one and I have all the proof I need to absolutely run them up the flagpole. I’m not going to call any names, but their name rhymes with Oogle. Gee I wonder what they could be force feeding us all. What transitive verb might best fit in that oogle agenda. And which direction do you figure that oogle leans? Inquiring minds happen to know. More on that on a national news program or a supreme court near you.

This has run a little long, so I will call this, episode 1 “The Savage Christian Strikes Back” If you would like to help the little guy out, also referred to as small, insignificant, unworthy, uninvited, left OUT etc. etc. Here is how you can do just that. Post, repost, please do not change the original. Give me feedback or useful opinions. Feel free to offer your time or abilities if you think it is something that you’d like to do. But feel free to not offer you opinions and feedback if its going to be hateful or nit picky. Because I will pray for you, and I am not responsible for the good that will happen in your life from said prayer, That is on God, and I am pretty sure he indemnifies himself. But keep in mind, this is just a small bit of the insanity that is, and it only gets crazier from here. And to finish the post as promised, a link to donate if you would like to.

Thank you for reading

The Savage Christian

 

I reread the chronicles of narnia over break and...wow is it christian. I do actually like the style which I have seen in other books like Coraline and The Tale of Desperaux. It also has that charm that I think we associate with modern fairytales. It seems perfect for your mother to read to you before bed which is exactly how I first experienced the series.

But now, as an adult, it feels so...simple. The sexism is insane. Not only in little jibes about girls not fighting, but also the strong stance against co-ed schools. And of course what happens to Susan is criminal she loses all of her family in one train crash and they literally laugh at her in heaven and basically imply she deserved it for wearing lipstick. Beyond the sexism, there's a strong stance for corporal punishment and having bibles at school. Of course there's the Calormen which on the audiobook all the readers tried very hard to avoid calling "color men" as that is essentially their prime feature. The implication being that these men are not human because if they were, they'd have every right to rule Narnia as much as the other characters, right? Although I suppose you could say the same for Archenland which is essentially the canada of Narnia world.

And let us not gloss over the strange relationship to imperialism. Narnia is not a land of men but it is a land for a man to rule? But of course, only if he is white and a follower of "Aslan" right? And of course, only outsiders are allowed any real part in the story. The only time the actual inhabitants of Narnia try to break away from their lion bases foreign theocracy, they are treated as dumb and stupid.

It's disheartening really that a series I loved so much as a child is one I would be uncomfortable reading to a child today. I don't even dislike the children so much it feel more like they've been taken in by a cult. Which, honestly, they have.

I still like a lot of elements of the series, but I wonder if it didn't actually damage my faith in some way. I have always been a faithless person. I never really believed in Santa Claus or God and so when I realized I didn't have to pretend to believe in them, I felt relieved. Even now, I practice wicca but I see it more as a therapeutic practice than a religious one. And the core tenant of wicca is "take what resonates and leave the rest", meaning I don't have to agree to something I don’t believe. I wonder if living in a home where there was no forgiveness for confessions of petty crimes and no warmth and a real fear of violence whether physical or psychological was so different from the world of Narnia that everything seemed like a fantasy. And the evil witches seemed more sensible. I wonder if CS Lewis could have understood a child like me, who wanted desperately to be like Lucy Pevensie but who grew into someone a bit more like Susan and even a little like Jadis. I just can't forsake my life on earth to care for a fantasy I have no promise of reaching. And was it Aslan that made the children good and kind and honest, or would it be better for them to have always been those things, for no other reason than that all children have that possibility? I wish the story had not gotten so pedantic, that the bad guys were not all invading brown men and powerful women, and non-believers. I wish that the people of the story were actually allowed to grow into people, and that a happy ending for them did not leave a person behind because she refused to be a child forever.

I don't know, obviously I have a lot of thoughts on the series. I think if I met Lewis, he wouldn't have liked me much, sadly. I am glad I reread the series, and it wasn't unenjoyable, it was just a little disappointing.

manga review - angel sanctuary

some context: i've been trying to read more shojo manga. i want to let go of my preconceived notions about the demographic, especially since i didn't bother with it as a teenager. i want to appreciate it as an adult!

also i really liked what the volume cover art of this series looked like, volume one of setsuna with the nanatsusaya is such a pretty piece i knew i wanted to see more of her art.

the story: if someone were to explain it to you, just as i read it on wikipedia, it sounds pretty cool. i've always enjoyed when anime and manga reference christianity or jewish iconography/mythology. if you have ever been taught anything about either of those religions, whether you believe it or not, you will be screaming in your mind about all the things that are wrong. it's like how nge just chose jewish mythology because it was cool. i respect the bit.

now when you actually read through the chapters though? oh my god. it's so slow and convoluted and not in a good anticipation way. i really had to force myself to finish the series.

it was nonstop action and i don't mean that in a good way. you never got a chance to see the characters just hang out and chill. it was hard to tell how much time had passed, i know time stopped on earth but i wish i could have followed how long their adventure actually took place.

i will also commend the fact that setsuna was a woman in his past life and kind of the non-conformal gender standards in the manga. they aren't the greatest representation but i really don't think the author meant it in a bad way. it's also from the early(?) 90s so i don't think i can fault her too much.

and the incest plotline was really weird, i can't believe the author really went through with the setsuna x sara plot in the finale. i was definitely team setsuna x kurai.

also speaking on the finale, i kind of really liked that god was just an interdimensional being who was running a science experiment that angels and humans were a biproduct of. the art of the giant mechanical angel that housed it's consciousness was also a cool reveal.

the characters: most characters were sidelined since setsuna was pretty much a mary sue. i get that he's the main character but like cmon he literally did everything with little to no help from anyone else. i wish the other characters did more than just die to advance the plot. and there were like four death fake outs, it got really old. it felt like there were no real consquences.

sara, oh my god, sara. she always needed saving and the one time she finally did something to help herself she went back! like girl i understand you are sad you tricked lily into switching places but cmon!!! ugh. on one hand i feel kind of bad for her i mean she really went through it but she is not written as a sympathetic character at all. even setsuna, i never really sympathized with. mostly because of the incest plotline.......................

another convulted character - kira. this guy had like three character reveals. he was sempai, he was alexiel's sword, he was some guy she killed and when the blood splattered on him he was bound to reincarnate to find her for the rest of eternity, he was lucifer. he was doing too much. they really didn't need to go as far as the lucifer bit, it really didn't add much anyway. if anything i thought it was a plot hole. stick to being a magical sword that reincarnates plz.

i liked rociel, i never sympathized with him until the very end but whenever he appeared those were usually the highlights of the series.

i liked michael and lucifer's dichotomy too. i wish there was more scenes of them together or separate. they seem important when introduced but nothing much comes of it.

i wish there was more focus on the side characters, i found them more interesting than the main ones most of the time.

the art: now i will say i read shitty scans from the early 2000s which severely impacted my ability to judge the art as the pages looked like they were scanned using a potato. i've seen worse, this was legible, but i do not think it did the art justice.

her individual drawings for chapter title pages and volume covers were really beautiful. her page flow, action shots, as well as character differentiation could have used some work. everyone looked really similar, the only characters i could really tell apart 100% of the time were the demons because she used screen tone to make their skin darker. most male characters had shoulder length light colored hair which i found them hard to keep track of on the page.

conclusion: i really wanted to like angel sanctuary, but overall it was a real slog to read through. i kept pushing because every once in a while there was something i thought was worth continuing. but in the end i have to say it just wasn't that good overall. i still really like the art and if i had the space i would like to buy the physical volumes and read the official translation. i'm not giving up on reading old shojo manga, btw. i'll start something new soon.

ENGLISH & FRENCH versions

ENGLISH

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Be a generation blessing (Part 1)

As Christians we all know the crucial importance of being a blessing to others but what if it does not only affects our lives but affects generations to come? Remember the blessing you are walking in today did not just happen because of you. Somebody sowed seeds that you could be blessed. You can be the one to set your family on a new course, who can be a generation blessing.

As followers of God, we have to give priority to our family members but we are called to imitate Abraham's example and bless others regardless of their background or circumstances. «I will make you a great nation; I will bless you And make your name great; And you shall be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, And I will curse him who curses you; And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.»

‭‭(Genesis‬ ‭12‬:‭2‬-‭3‬ ‭NKJV‬‬) Being a generation blessing is not limited to a specific group of people but extends to everyone but this will start first with your family.

When you make decision that honor God, your life is not going to be more rewarding but that obedience is being also credited to your children’s account, to future generations. We heard a lot about generation curses but let us focus on generation blessing. Jesus teaches us in Matthew that we should let our light shine before others so that they may see our good works and glorify God. «Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.» ‭‭(Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬)

This means that our actions should be a source of blessing and inspiration to our children and those around us.

Let us pray: « Lord, I want to be a blessing to others, just as you have blessed me abundantly. Your Word teaches us that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Lord, I ask for your divine appointments, opportunities to share your love and truth with my children and family members but also to those who need it most. In Jesus' almighty name, I pray. Amen and Amen »

Be blessed and remember you are chosen!!! “You did not choose Me, but I chose you” (John 15:16, NKJV)

God bless you! May the grace of God accompany you today! I wish you a wonderful day and may God protect you and bless you.

…/DG

********************************************

FRENCH

Chers Frères et Sœurs,

Être une bénédiction de génération ‭‭(Part 1)

En tant que chrétiens, nous connaissons tous l’importance cruciale d’être une bénédiction pour les autres, mais que se passe-t-il si cela affecte non seulement nos vies, mais affecte les générations à venir? Rappelez-vous que la bénédiction dans laquelle vous marchez aujourd’hui ne s’est pas seulement produite à cause de vous. Quelqu’un a semé des graines pour que vous puissiez être bénis. Vous pouvez être celui qui met votre famille sur une nouvelle voie, qui peut devenir une bénédiction de génération.

En tant que disciples de Dieu, nous devons donner la priorité aux membres de notre famille, mais nous sommes appelés à imiter l’exemple d’Abraham et à bénir les autres, quels que soient leur origine ou leurs circonstances. «Je ferai de toi une grande nation, et je te bénirai; je rendrai ton nom grand, et tu seras une source de bénédiction. Je bénirai ceux qui te béniront, et je maudirai ceux qui te maudiront; et toutes les familles de la terre seront bénies en toi.» ‭‭(Genèse‬ ‭12‬:‭2‬-‭3‬ ‭LSG‬‬) Être une bénédiction de génération ne se limite pas à un groupe spécifique de personnes, mais s’étend à tout le monde. Tout commencera d’abord avec votre famille.

Lorsque vous décidez d’honorer Dieu, votre vie ne sera pas seulement plus gratifiante, mais l’obéissance sera également créditée au compte de vos enfants, aux générations futures. Nous avons beaucoup entendu parler des malédictions de génération, mais concentrons-nous sur la bénédiction de génération. Jésus nous enseigne dans Matthieu que nous devons laisser notre lumière briller devant les autres afin qu’ils puissent voir nos bonnes œuvres et glorifier Dieu. «Que votre lumière luise ainsi devant les hommes, afin qu’ils voient vos bonnes œuvres, et qu’ils glorifient votre Père qui est dans les cieux.» ‭‭(Matthieu‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬ ‭LSG‬‬)

Cela signifie que nos actions doivent être une source de bénédiction et d’inspiration pour nos enfants et ceux qui nous entourent.

Prions : « Seigneur, je veux être une bénédiction pour les autres, comme tu m’as béni abondamment. Ta Parole nous enseigne qu’il est plus heureux de donner que de recevoir. Seigneur, je te demande tes rendez-vous divins, des occasions de partager ton amour et ta vérité avec mes enfants et les membres de ma famille, mais aussi avec ceux qui en ont le plus besoin. Au nom de Jésus, je prie. Amen et Amen »

Soit béni et rappelle toi que Tu es choisi !!! «Ce n’est pas vous qui m’avez choisi; mais moi, je vous ai choisis» (Jean 15 :16, LSG)

Que Dieu vous bénisse ! Que la grâce de Dieu vous accompagne aujourd’hui ! Je vous souhaite une belle journée et que Dieu vous protège et vous bénisse.

…/DG

chrissy wanting the two guys she loves most to be friends so she uses her powers of deception tricks them into going to a concert together. at first jason doesn't say anything when they pull into the trailer park -- chris has always been better with making friends outside of their social circle -- but when he sees eddie munson bounding down the steps and heading for his car, he nearly blows a gasket.

eddie opens the passenger door and looks at chrissy, ignoring jason entirely. "you're out of your mind if you think i'm spending an evening with him." (finally, something they can agree on.)

but chrissy stands her ground, as she always does. "it's just a concert. you guys won't even need to talk to each other."

he gives jason the once-over and grimaces. "at least come in and make yourself presentable. you stick out like a sore thumb."

"told you so," chrissy mumbles as they all walk up the trailer steps together. and what the hell? he thought an all-black ensemble would've been fine. they're an up-and-coming metal band, sure, but they're a christian metal band. it's not like he was gonna roll up to the place covered in spikes and pentagrams -- even if they didn't read the word.

eddie throws him a pair of ripped up acid-wash jeans. "put those on, for starters." he disappears deeper into the closet so jason can change in peace, thank god, and a few seconds later shirts come flying out one by one. he picks up the hellfire shirt and slips it on for shits and giggles. when he asks how he looks, eddie turns around and doesn't give an immediate response.

at least, not a verbal one.

but his look says a lot. maybe even too much.

"ridiculous." he shoves a shirt into jason's chest: a black tee featuring what looks like album art for a band called Stryper. he's heard of these guys -- christians too, chris says -- but he hasn't gone out of his way to listen to them yet. eddie turns around so he can change.

"didn't know you were into this side of the scene," he says.

"i may not dig on organized religion, but good music is good music." he turns around and looks jason up and down, quicker this time. "it'll do. let's go."

it's a quick drive to the venue. well, venue might be generous; it's only a big bigger than a walk-in closet. he could spit from where he's standing and hit the stage, then turn his head at a right angle and probably drool onto the merch table. "where's the pit gonna be?"

eddie smiles at him with half-lidded eyes: amused and a little smug. "hang up the gloves for two hours, balboa." then he steers them to the bar and orders: two beers, two shots of tequila, and a rum and coke for the lady -- those are his exact words and it makes jason wish there was room for a pit after all. but he flashes his fake ID along with theirs and plays nice. then they make their way toward the stage. people are still filing in, so they have no problem getting to the front.

"how long have you guys been coming here?" he has to scream to be heard over the pre-concert mixtape, something that is decidedly unchristian and headache inducing besides.

"since spring break. she remembered my band from middle school." (jason remembers, too. he hated them.) "i told her to come and see us when she got the chance. didn't think she actually would."

"and one thing led to another?"

"pretty much."

"yeah. and you got her hooked on devil music, so thanks for that."

"you're here too, aren't you?"

the rest of the evening happens in a series of snapshots: losing chrissy, then finding her swirling her straw around in her plastic cup and chatting up the bartender; eddie recommending him some non-metal music and jason noncommittally saying he'll check it out; jumping around when the band actually takes the stage; throwing an arm around eddie not because he needs help standing -- though he lost count after four beers -- but because, damn, this guy's not all bad. it makes jason want to hate him even more, but what he ends up feeling is actually something just short of fondness.

chrissy hates the idea of being drunk, so her single drink before the show was all she had. someone needs to be the DD, anyway.

"y' wan' stay the night?" it's slurred and giggly, but one look at eddie's glassy eyes and jason can tell that it's sincere, too. he makes for the bedroom, thinking himself rude only after he flops down on the mattress and is too beat to pick himself back up.

another body flops down beside him. "chrissy took th' couch. i c'n sleep on the floor, if y'want."

his head is buried in the pillow, but he tries to shake it anyway. "'s cool."

"really? i'da thought you wouldn' wan' me around, after..."

"yeah, well." he turns on his other side to get a better look at the guy. "it's flattering, y'know? always nice to get a compliment. and..." he waves his hand in the air. "sometimes people c'n surprise you."

"you're tellin' me." he chuckles and punches jason in the arm. "g'night, my man." then he turns over, and his breathing evens out almost immediately.

///

they wake up the next morning at almost the same time, facing each other. not a word is said, but the whole situation is so unbearably, inexplicably funny that they both bust up immediately, snorting and wiping their eyes and leaning into each other for support.

the racous laughter is what wakes chrissy up. if she were in a bitchy mood, she'd snap at them to shut the hell up and go to sleep. instead, she laughs, too. this whole thing went exactly as planned.

i wanted this to be a "real fic" for over a week now, but i couldn't get the words to come out right. so for the time being i'm posting this unpolished, unedited, bare-bones piece, and maybe if enough people like it i'll try to actually do something with it.

Why I No Longer Believe in God

I am sure that even seeing the title of this post will be shocking for anyone who has known me within the last 10 years. As someone who grew up within an Evangelical-Mennonite community, embraced Christianity wholeheartedly at the age of 19, converted from the Mennonite faith to Eastern Orthodox Christianity, and even played a role in establishing an Orthodox liturgical community in Winkler, I am sure that the last thing that anyone expected to find out was that I have lost all belief in a God. Before I spell out the reasons why I am no longer a believer, I want to clarify what this loss of belief DOESN���T mean: 1) I don’t hate religion. I still recognize and understand all the good that religious faith (along with the unnumerable shameful things) has contributed to society throughout history. I give credit to where credit is due. I also still have a strong aesthetic attraction to religion, particularly Eastern Orthodoxy and Islam. I keep icons in my home and read writers such as Rumi. I will always be attracted to the artistic beauty of religious architecture, liturgy, hymnography, and art. Even if I no longer subscribe to the faith being expressed by this art, it still moves me deeply. 2) I do not have any antagonism to people of faith. Pretty much all the nearest and dearest people to me back home in Canada are people of faith. I do not think that they are uneducated, illogical, or stuck in the past. People of faith have their own reasons for why they cannot understand the world we live in apart from the existence of a God and I respect people’s beliefs, regardless of what they are or if I agree with them. There is still a part of me that wishes that I could still believe in a God, even if it is an impossibility for me at this point in my life. 3) I am not interested in “de-converting” people. Back when I was a believer, I always found “atheist evangelists” a strange phenomenon. I do not see any value in trying to convince anyone to not believe in anything and would rather live a life of mutual respect and acceptance. 4) I do not have all the answers. Even though my world view has naturally changed completely, I do not claim to have answers to every question about the existence/non-existence of God. Life has been chaotic for me for a while now and I have not had the necessary time to consider every facet of life from a non-theistic perspective to have a definitive position on a variety of fundamental questions regarding life and existence. This means that if someone asks me the sort of question that goes like “If God doesn’t exist, then how do you explain___?” I likely will not have a definitive answer. My life and my perspectives are still a work in progress. 5) I still believe in the necessity of morality. Contrary to the opinion of Dostoevsky who wrote that without God, everything is permissible, I still believe that morality and a consideration on how we treat other people is an inescapable necessity in life. While my definitions of what is right and wrong may be more subjective since they are no longer tied to the idea that morality is rooted within the commandments of a God, I still believe that there is much value in the moral teachings found in religion which help regulate interactions and maintain healthy relationships. If someone would ask me why I would even bother if I do not believe that there is any post-mortem reward of punishment for our behaviour, my answer would simply be that I’d rather live happily now with healthy relationships and if you’re a self-centered, inconsiderate, selfish jerk to everyone, you’re not going to have a happy life. Obviously this doesn’t encapsulate the entirety of my worldview/values at this point in my life (as my fourth note set out to explain) but I believe that these points are important to keep in mind before I move on and explain why I no longer hold onto any theistic beliefs. However, I know that anyone reading this is not primarily interested in the above points and wants to know why I am an atheist now after having been such a dedicated believer for the last 10 years of my life. With that being said, let us move on to the main subject. The foundation of my disbelief is rooted in a few interrelated issues: 1) The problem of evil 2) The traditional attributes of God 3) The issue of human freedom 4) A flawed creation from a perfect God 5) The contradiction between the doctrines of creation and eschatology Nothing here is entirely knew in the history of atheism so I’m not pretending that I’ve discovered some never before heard of reasons to reject belief in a God. However, I do think that I have come to my own conclusions with these issues which may be unique to myself, as I have never seen them articulated elsewhere (though that may simply betray the lack of atheistic literature that I have read). I will begin with the age-old objection: how can there be so much pain, suffering, and evil in a world created by an all good, all powerful, perfect God? For years I was able to disregard this objection with the simple retort that since God is Love, it was necessary for Him to create humans with free choice, since love is a free response and can not be compelled. The side effect of this gift of freedom is the possibility to misuse this freedom and therefore turn away from God, thereby disordering the perfect order of creation and ultimately excusing God from any wrongdoing. Later, I will explain how this answer no longer is adequate. According to traditional Christian theology, God is the existence beyond existence, the supra-existential being beyond all being, the perfect communion of love, and the source of all life, being, and goodness (among innumerable other cataphatic and apophatic affirmations). Since God has always been and has always been the plenitude of perfection of power, knowledge, and goodness, this means that even before the indescribable moment when He began to bring the material universe into existence, every single moment, event, and individual that would come to exist was already known to Him (since if there was anything which was not known to Him, this would imply ignorance in God, which is an impossibility since it is necessary for God to know everything). This means that God knew that His creation would turn away from Him, endure an existence of pain, misery, loss, suffering, injustice, and death. If we also take the traditional position of judgement into consideration, this means that a significant portion of His creation would ultimately be condemned to eternal punishment due to their lack of faith and wrongdoing. This means that every single person who is ultimately condemned to hell was eternally known to God and He still chose to create these people. While not all Christian traditions adhere to the doctrine of predestination, most of them hold to the doctrine of foreknowledge, which confirms that God has known all the actions and decisions of people before they make them (even if these decisions were not predestined to happen but were the result of people’s free choices). What we have here is a picture of a perfect God Who creates an imperfect world. The objection to the assertion that the world created must be perfect rests on the position that only God is perfect, and therefore creation can only be perfect if it was an extension of God Himself, therefore even though God created the world without anything bad or evil, the constant refrain in Genesis is that everything was good, there is still the potential for imperfection and deviation inherent within creation by virtue of the fact that it is creation and not God. The crack in the image appears when we consider the doctrine of the gnomic will as was articulated by one of the most preeminent Church Fathers, St. Maximus the Confessor. He wrote that the first created man was in possession of a pre-lapsarian will (this essentially means that the human will prior to the “Fall” or the first instance of sin was not disordered in any way). Due to the choice made by Adam and Eve to eat the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, in direct disobedience to God, this has disordered the human will and resulted in all of humanity subsequently living in a state of ignorance, not knowing fully what is good and therefore living in a state of needing to choose, not immediately knowing what is good. According to Maximus, in the Age to Come when Christ will return to raise the dead, carry out the Final Judgement, and usher in the Kingdom of Heaven, the righteous will be filled completely with the Holy Spirit, granting them a perfect illumination and their gnomic wills will be healed. This means that their freedom will be preserved, but since they have their wills re-ordered and with the perfect illumination by the Holy Spirit, they will not exist in this fluctuation of not knowing the good. They will know the good perfectly and will always choose the good perfectly. This begs the question as to why God did not immediately create humanity in this state. Why didn’t He immediately grant the newly created humanity a perfect illumination? If the freedom of will can be maintained in the Kingdom of Heaven where there will not be any sin, suffering, or death, why go through aeons of this cruel existence? Why not simply create the world and humanity in this glorified state to begin with? This brings us to a contradiction in traditional Christian theology. According to the historical doctrine of creation, as can be found in “An Exact Exposition on the Orthodox Faith” by St. John of Damascus (for example), it is stated that the world that God created is the best possible world that could have been created. Since God is perfect, the world He made is the best possible world that could have been created. However, the fundamental Christian theology of the end times (“eschatology”) precisely maintains that the world to come will be better than the world that we live in now. This means that God is going to transform the world we live in and make it into a perfect version. However, this flies directly in the face of the suggestion that the original creation was the best possible option since eschatology flatly contradicts this. Eschatology says that the world to come is better than this world and even better than the world when it was first created. Once again, we are left to beg the question as to why didn’t God simply create the world in this glorified perfect state to begin with? When we tie all these threads together, this is the conclusion that I have come to: 1) God creates an imperfect world where He has known from eternity that His creation will turn away from Him, plunge the world into a state of disorder, and history will be a horrifying parade of injustices. 2) This is apparently the risk that God had to take in order to preserve the freedom of His creation, even though He is also apparently able to fully illuminate His creation in a way that their freedom is preserved and they freely make good choices. 3) This is also presented as the best possible world that God could have created, even though He will recreate this world into a perfect version. Adding all of this together, it seems to me that God was perfectly able to create a world where human freedom is preserved while sin, suffering, and death is prevented. This then brings us to the final point of traditional Christian theology with is intolerable: the doctrine of hell. How can the eternal punishment and suffering of created beings be an expression of the perfect love of God? If God is love, therefore every single act of God is an expression of love. This means that the existence of eternal maintenance of hell is necessarily an expression of the love of God. How is eternal conscious torment an expression of love? So many passages within the Gospels present God as the great Healer, the One Who recognizes the brokenness of the human condition and comes to fix us. How could any doctor be content to preserve someone in an eternal state of misery and anguish if their true desire and intent is to bring the person back to health? If God is truly love, then what sort of love is this? Here I find the words of Friedrich Nietzsche to be straight to the point, “Dante, I think, committed a crude blunder when with terror- inspiring ingenuity, he placed above the gateway of his hell the inscription "I too was created by eternal love"-at any rate, there would be more justification for placing above the gateway to the Christian Paradise and its "eternal bliss" the inscription "I too was created by eternal hate"-provided a truth may be placed above the gateway to a lie!” Perhaps those of a more sensitive disposition might point out the tradition of universalism within the Christian tradition; the belief that at some point, everyone will be saved (even if after spending a prolonged purgatorial period in hell if necessary). At first glance, this seems to solve the problem: hell is not a place of vengeful punishment, it is a place of purification and healing which is a temporary stop on towards the perfection of the whole of humanity and creation. However, even if everyone will eventually be saved, does this really bring restitution to the unspeakable horrors that have happened in this life? Here I am unable to consent to the question posed by Ivan Karamazov, “ Imagine that you are creating a fabric of human destiny with the object of making men happy in the end, giving them peace and rest at last, but that it was essential and inevitable to torture to death only one tiny creature...and to found that edifice on its unavenged tears, would you consent to be the architect on this condition?” When looking at universalism through the lenses of my previous conclusions, I hardly see how the eventual salvation of all humanity is a satisfactory resolution for all the intolerable horrors that have happened throughout history. If God can save everyone, why didn’t He create us in a state which did not need to be saved? Again, I ask, why not start things off at the end where existence is free of tear, pain, sorrow, and death? Why put us through all of this? This is love? When I weighed all these issues together, I realized that I can no longer in good conscience consider myself a believer. The contradictions between the doctrines of creation and eschatology, the unsatisfactory assertion that evil exists because humanity possesses free will when eschatological theology confirms the preservation of the will’s freedom in glorified perfection, that an all good, all powerful, all knowing God of love would willingly create this world as it is when He could have made it according to the pattern affirmed by eschatology, and that He has foreknown the eternal conscious torment of an innumerable amount of people and carried on creating them, knowing that their lives will be episodes of suffering with intervals of happiness, only to end in eternal suffering. I am unable to accept this. I understand that for many people reading this, particularly many of my friends and family back in Canada and people from the Orthodox communities that I was a part of, that this is very painful to read. I want to stress that I do not regret my time spent within the Orthodox Church and that none of my current positions are connected to any of my experiences. I cannot thank everyone enough for being there for me over the years, for all the love, all the care, and for be a living example of Jesus to me. You will all have my love and care no matter where life takes me. I also want to emphasize that there is no way that I will ever believe in God again. Perhaps a day will come where something changes in my head, or my heart, and I find faith once again. I have not closed the door and nailed it shut. However, I also need to be honest about where I am in life and I care about everyone too much to just pretend, you all deserve better than that. I have been struggling with this loss of faith for almost a year now and the fear of hurting anyone has prevented me from opening up. I have been realizing lately that lying to myself and others about how things are has only caused greater damage to my life. I have come to understand that the only way forward in my life is to be honest with myself, confront the things that have been eating me up inside, and to accept where I am in life. While I understand that many people reading this will have many questions and concerns, I kindly ask that if you wish to discuss anything with me, please refrain from messaging me directly over social media. While I will be posting this on my various social media platforms, I have no desire to get into arguments or debates. If anyone simply wants to talk or to listen, you can write me an email at [email protected]. I may not reply right away, but I will in time. Writing this has not been an easy thing and publicly sharing this has been even more difficult. I am sorry for any pain, confusion, or disappointment that I may have caused anyone by making this announcement.