#also so i dont feel the need as much to defend myself for liking their music
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#i will warn you only once: tsc spoilers#literally just finished it as i am drafting this its 5am where i live#so you may be subjected to some nonsense#that all being said i have thoughts.and feelings#the kevin was lovely and tasted delicious! jean defending him at every turn even when he swears to hell and back he'll kick his ass#the kevjean was surprising i was only half expecting that#the dog metaphors i have to say i need this one cashed in. nora run me my check#im joking of course dont quote me on it#jean taking kevins promise to the end and living on it is seriously so. well.#'be careful with him' 'take kevin's name out of your ignorant mouth' 'you promised me'#also kevin getting called the court's queen had me tender and on my back oml#jean's relationship with the trojans is sweet and he is very interesting and complicated#a character with many moving parts im sure#there were a few things i did not care for#namely jeremy and the trojans felt remarkably flat to me bar lucas (by far the most interesting) and catalina on occasion#i didnt quite enjoy jeremy's pov and felt like he spent perhaps way too much time worrying over jean? if that makes sense#i wish he had some more complexity to him or really anything to catch a hook on#all we know is hes attractive and smiley and gets along terribly with his family#so much of his character is sucked out by jean he didnt feel like much more than a plot device to me#which i wouldnt mind if jeremy wasnt the literal main character alongside jean#i was living for everything jean thought but had to drag myself through jeremy's pov if im honest#uuuuh what else. neil! funny. deranged. i have to love him#andrew couldnt give less of a fuck about jean which is funny as all fuck#two bugs placed in the same habitat ignoring each other#the thing with elodie i thought was complicated. i wish we knew some more about her or that shed been mentioned a little earlier#but im assuming thats a topic to be revisited#uuuuuuuh yeah so thats most of it. i think my first thought and the one that sticked out the most to me is that the book felt remarkably#pedestrian#not necessarily in a bad way#it lacked to me one of the main appeals of aftg which were the numerous interesting side characters
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.
#idk how to even express this or put it into worlds but it is lying right under my skin and itching so i need to try#i dont feel safe in the world. anywhere. i dont wanna leave my home. i dont wanna be outside and interact w ppl#i want to minimize all interactions w ppl bc ppl are DANGEROUS and unsafe#everytime i find myself alone in a room w a man wheteher he's a doctor or physical therapist my entire body wants to flee. nd shut down#even if it's 1 in 1000 that smth will happen just then#and almost every single time it goes fine. im under so much anxiety and fear during that entire session#whenever im out for my late night walks in nature and i hear a sound im on edge the entire way home bc i can imagine a 1000 bad things that#could happen#so on so forth there are countless scenarios like these it'd take me too long to recount all of them#but also.. the knowledge that this is just how it is. this is the ways of the world. everyone knows it. nothing to be done abt it...#it's sould crushing to be aware of that. nothing to be done abt it.... nothing at all. it is what it is#it is ridiculed. enjoyed. fetishized. etc etc etc#it always ends w victims dont matter. not the feelings or trauma or opinions or voices.#all reduced to smth to get off to. merely an objects. and empty shell. that is the ways of the world. nothing to be done abt it#and nowhere is safe. ppl are either perpetrators themselves. or they are defenders of it. or contributers to the surrounding culture#no one at all in the world can be trusted. no one is safe. no one cares. no one will do anything other than#ridicule u. blame u. trigger u. defend the acts of abusers. that is the truth of humanity#the truth of the world. it's all built on this. there is no other reality nor truth#and other people are capable of accepting it so well. like they dont care. bc they dont care abt anything actually#but i just cant accept it. i'd rather die than live in this world. and why should i live when i'll always be alone because#no one. is. safe. no one can be trusted#they're all on the vicious cruel abusive side. they all are. nobody cares abt wrongdoings or abuse or pain inflicted. nobody does#nobody cares at all abt what happened to u. they'll keep upholding the abusive systems in place.#bc u dont matter. u never have and never will#i dont wanna go outside or be around ppl bc no one is safe. theyre all against your safety comfort and wellbeing. they all love suffering#i hate ppl bc they all contribute to abuse and rape and everything bad happening all the time. they do not care. no sympathy or compassion#nothing abt this world or humanity is good or kind. it is all cruel harmful venom.
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my masks
hey there buckaroos. due to all of the attention the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION situation has gotten i am going to take a minute to talk about my personal way as an autistic buckaroo. im going to tell you about my masks.
im doing this for a few reasons, some are good FUN reasons full of love and some are not so great.
lets start with the GOOD STUFF. first of all, i am talking about this because speaking on my way can help other buckaroo feel more comfortable speaking on there own way, ESPECIALLY if they are good at ‘passing’ for neurotypical like chuck is.
unfortunately the NOT SO GREAT reasons im talking about all this dang stuff are two fold. reason one: i have been put into a position of having to explain and justify my needs and boundaries by the TXLA. this is not something that i WANT to be taking up all of my time, but when large organizations do not make space for those who they have pledged to support, it puts us smaller buckaroos into position where were have to defend our existence. it is not plesent but it is necessary.
the second NOT SO GREAT reason is that ‘passing’ bisexual and autistic people like myself are ALWAYS just seconds from being gatekept from folks both outside and inside these communities. there will probably be a day on chucks deathbed where i take off my mask and say hello to this timeline (mostly so you can all see how handsome i am under here but I DIGRESS). i KNOW with absolute certainty (the same way other bi and autistic buckaroos are probably nodding along right now) that when that day comes i will STILL be accused of ‘not being real’ and ‘faking’ because i ‘dont look autistic’ and i have a beautiful ladybuck partner in sweet barbara.
ALL THAT IS TO SAY, i am taking a moment today to talk FOR THE RECORD about my neurodigence and my particular needs. hopefully i will not have to keep diving this deep every time an organization takes a discrimantory action against me, but i will also say this: at least it is a good fight on an important battlefield
anyway buds, here is the story of my way on the spectrum
when i was a young buckaroo i knew that my thought process was different. i could socialize easily, which is unique in contrast to many autistic buds (it is a spectrum after all), but my social ease was for an interesting reason. I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT OTHERS WERE ABOUT TO SAY. it was like a strange ‘human game’ where someone would say one thing and i would think ‘well you actually mean something else’ in a sort of logical way (this is why i later related to DATA from star trek so dang much). at first i remember thinking ‘well i am just NOT going to play along with this human game’. i quickly learned neurotypical buckaroos do not like this, that there is a BOB AND WEAVE to social interactions that must be learned.
later i realized ‘actually if i WANT to make friends and prove love is real then i can do this like an expert because i can SEE the game where most cant’. this got chuck many buds and took me on many adventures. please understand, i am not saying these connections are not important to me, they are just different. they are full of love, but i express this in my own unique way.
HOWEVER, while growing up i felt disconnected from this timeline in other ways, like an alien or a reverse twin trotting along in a world that is not quite my own. i did not feel emotions the same way my buds did. they would get upset over the ‘human game’ interactions and i would not be moved at all, HOWEVER i could see the way sunlight hit a window and start crying my dang eyes out over the beauty. so my emotion was still there and VERY STRONG, i just felt it in more existential ways (like hearing the call of the lonesome train). these days that feeling has progressed to where i am pretty much in a constant blissed out state of cosmic emotional connection (make of that last sentence what you will, but it is the truth). when i make existential posts online i am not just FIRING OFF SOME CONTENT, i really mean every word. this is really my trot.
anyway as a young buckaroo these feelings made me worry sometimes. i thought about various mental health dianosises and marked the parts and pieces that matched with myself. am i this? am i that? sometimes, instead of just being’ different’ i worried i might actually be ‘wrong’.
when i saw david byrne on letterman in my younger days i immediately recognized something connected to myself. i thought ‘wow this is the mystery being solved before my very eyes.’ i could hear it in the music of talking heads too. i started doing research and realized that i might be on autism spectrum, something that was later confirmed by a therapist (back then the diagnosis was called asperger's). it was a glorious and fulfilling moment. i was SO EXCITED TO BE AUTISTIC LIKE MY HERO. i felt very cool because of it, and i still feel very cool because of it.
one of the big reasons i talk so much about being autistic these days is because i want to make sure OTHER buckaroos can have that same moment that i did. they can see chuck and think ‘wow i really like this autistic artist, maybe being autistic is cool’
so what does an average day WITHOUT wearing the pink bag look like for me?
my thought process is exactly like ROSE from CAMP DAMASCUS, which is part of why i wrote the book. we have the same stim (complex order of finger taps), we prepare for social interactions the same way, we analyze things in the same logical trot that neurotypical people might think feels ‘detached’ but for me feels natural (certain reviews of camp damascus are very funny to me in this way. you can tell when a reader is just very confused by existing in an autistic brain for 250 pages.)
from the outside you would not be able to tell that i am on the spectrum. in fact you would probably find me very socially adept.
the problem is, all of that masking can take its toll. i spent years trotting in and out the emergency room, talking to confused doctors who could not figure out the chronic phantom tension and pain that radiated through my body. i eventually accepted the fact that i would either live a life constantly on heavy painkillers or just stop living altogether.
eventually, however, i started noticing a correlation between the way that i felt, and the space that i allowed for chuck and the pink mask. i was exercising that tension, allowing my mental mask of neurotypical existence to take a rest. i started practicing physical therapy and this time THE RESULTS STUCK because i was approaching from two sides, MIND AND BODY. after a while, i got my pain down to about 5 percent of what it once was. i still have flare ups in times of stress, but the healing has been very real and life changing.
lets get VERY specific now. if i attended the TXLA confrence without a mask and gave my talk i can tell you this: i would do a dang good job. i can work the heck out of a crowd and (not to reveal too much about my secret way) I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DO THIS ON OCCASION VERY WELL. however, going home from this event i would very likely be in pain. i would likely need to do physical therapy. i would likely need to stim for a while. i would NOT be emotionally fullfilled in the same way. in other words, without my pink mask i can charm the heck out of buckaroos, but THE SPACE OF CHUCK TINGLE IS NOT THE SPACE FOR THAT. the pink bag is a place for me to not have to put up with that tension. it is a place for me to unmask mentally by masking physically.
this pink bag space SAVED MY LIFE and i am not going to risk blurring these lines. if and when that ever happens it will be MY decision, not someone elses. that is my boundary. the part of me that neurotypically masks could handle a library conference in a purely technical sense, but the part of me that chuck represents absolutely cannot and should not be asked to do that without the pink bag. unfortunately, the complexity of this point makes it even MORE difficult for me to think about and takes up even more of my time, because it forces me to START QUESTIONING MYSELF and my own needs. to be honest, that is the most insidious part of other people questioning your identify and refusing to accept your accommodation needs without ‘proof’.
the thing is, while all of this discussion of disability and accessibility is important, i have a much larger point to make by writing these words.
a conference should not uninvite someone with an unusual physical presentation or a strange way of speaking REGARDLESS of it being classified as a disability. it does not matter WHY i look the way that i look and wear what i wear. i should not have to spend all day writing this post instead of writing my next book, just because my sensibilities are unique and my presentation is unusual.
fortunately the solution is very simple: let other people be themselves. its not hurting you to simply accept and nod at the buckaroos you think look strange. let us exist
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Can I request tadc reader where they're very sweet and nonchalant with people even when they're mean to them?
TADC! Cast x reader
Warnings ; Cussing, Bullying, Jax, Not proof read, Obsessive behavior, Death threats, Holding hands before marriage? smh.
Genre ; Fluff + Romance
Pairings ; Queenie/Reader, Kinger/Reader, Kaufmo/reader, Pomni/Reader, Ragatha/Reader, Zooble/Reader, Caine/Reader, Jax/Reader
Queenie
, The competitive x The sweetheart.
, She's overprotective of you and cusses out anyone who's rude to you.
, Beautiful scary guard dog x The kind sweetheart, Literally punches anyone if they made you cry
, She never does it in front of others although, She makes sure your distracted because she doesn't wanna lose you.
, Gets flustered as you boost up her ego if you complimented her when she finished one of caine's bullshitty challenges
, Always gives you a kiss on the forehead and tells you how proud she is of you and how much she loves you after finishing a challenge.
, She likes to hear you rant about stuff you like and nods her head whenever you make a statement
, She adores hugs, Hug her pretty pretty please :3
, Tries to teach you how to defend yourself but fails, And when she does that literally just makes her pull out a resting bitch face.
, She know's when something's up with you. So if your showing any signs of negative behavior, She tries to comfort you by telling you how strong you are.
" You're trying Lovely, But I'm afraid you're also failing. But that's okay, You're perfect to me in all ways possible. Now may i please have a hug from you my dearest? "
Kinger
, He literally glares at anyone who makes fun of you, He feel's bad for your well being and tries to defend you but fails.
, Drags you to his impenetrable fortress just for him to distract you from negative thoughts when your sad, He distracts you by playing with your hair as he asks you what kind of stuff you like while cuddling
, Hold's your hand when Jax bullies you and when Jax is gone he attempts to try and comfort you.
, He doesn't understand why you're so nice. He always thinks you would get mad and start lashing out but you never do. You just reply with a soft, Kind compliment.
, Stares at you with lovey dovey eyes every time you're near him. He compliments you when you're next to him. He fiddles with his hands while looking at you too.
, Shy loser x Over sweet loser
, Death glare's at anyone who attempts to make fun of you until they go off, He's always pissed when someones mean to you and starts ranting on how you dont deserve such bull shitty treatment.
" (Name), You gotta learn how to fend for yourself!- Yeah you're right actually i suck at fending for myself too. BUT STILL!- You need to actually fight for yourself!... I give up never mind lets just go." drags you to his impenetrable fortress
Kaufmo
, Literally says an offensive joke about anyone who bullies you and then it starts a cat fight.
, He asks if your alright all the time after being yelled at, Bullied, Etc.
, Smooches your hand while cuddling in his room to comfort you if you say no.
, He paints you!! He gets flustered when you ask why he drew you. He uses "B-because you're super kind!" As an excuse with a wobbly smile because he knows he sucks shit at lying.
, When he found an exit, He got so excited because he could show you and you'd be so proud of him!! And you were. And you didn't even take it as a joke.
, He loves how you genuinely love his humor, Even if it's dark.
, Definitely doesn't dream about you both getting married.
, Whenever you laugh he starts to get sweaty and nervous, Because your laugh sounds so genuine that it truly makes him happy, It makes him even more in-love with you.
" Wait.... You... Love my humor? R-really? Uhm.... Of course i'll say more jokes!! F-for you!!"
Pomni
, She's so confused. But she finds you so beautiful.
, Why are you so kind? Are you even real? Are you perhaps an angel sent from heaven to guide her?
, She always freaks out around you and blushes a shit ton.
, Glares at anyone who disrespects you and harsh-fully insults them to the point where the bully bawls their eyes out.
, Asks if you're okay after being insulted and holds your hands as she tells you how great and sweet you are if you say you aren't to reassure you that you're an amazing person.
, She likes to bring you with her while she tries to find a way out the circus, You being her all-time favorite person.
, She drop kicks jax and runs away with you if jax tries to bully you.
, She nods at every statement you say, Not really caring about how stupid your idea is but following it anyways because she's so happy that she gets to be near you.
" (Name), (name)!! Would you like to uh.. Uh!-... COMPLete-! this challenge with me?"
Ragatha
, She's just like you! You're just like her!! You two are basically soulmates sent from heaven.
, Though, She gets mad often and you genuinely are a nonchalant person who's usually calm all the time.
, She defends you from jax and glares at anyone who dares to harshly pick on you.
, Drags you away from the toxic person and asks you whats on you're mind today to distract you from negative thoughts.
, Likes to smooch your cheek after you finish a challenge, Ranting about how proud she is of you.
, Ragatha tends to be passive aggressive when people are being rude to you, For example she says a comment that sounds nice but is extremely offensive to the victims ears.
, Likes to take you to her room so she can braid your hair.
Zooble
, This Ambiguous fuck attacks ANYBODY who messes wit you.
, They comfort you by ranting angrily at you by saying how pretty, Handsome, Sweet and cool you are.
, Will try to teach you how to fend for yourself. But then fails.
, They like to receive attention from you, For example compliments, Praise, Or hugs.
, Cheer's you on when you do something not giving a dog's ass about what others think of it.
, Shit talks the person who talked smack about you.
, Get's in trouble daily for you.
, They like to drag you to their room so they can rant about stuff as they slowly get flustered on how you look and listen to them so intently.
, They also get nervous around you, Pretending that you dont exist and usually pretends to cough to cover up a compliment, When you ask what they said they just said they coughed.
, Likes to rant about you while your listening.
" (Name), You let that little- you know what...? Come on sweetie were gonna do some defensive training. "
Jax
, He literally teases you alot.
, Bullies you but he knows when he goes too far so he stops.
, Bullies the person who talked bullshit about you as if he wanted them dead, because he does.
, Will say death threats to the person who bullied you. Not including himself.
. Can And will throw a fight just because someone criticized you.
, Calls you "Sugar" because of how sweet you are. And also calls you his saint for personal reasons.
, he likes to ask you for a lot of stuff, But plot twist, He asks for kisses, Praise, Etc.
"Hey toots, Mind kissing me right here?~"
Caine
, Bitch was confused on why you were so calmed when you first arrived, But soon later developed feelings for you after the first 2 year's you stayed.
, He honestly was surprised you lasted this long but then remembers he shouldn't because Hoo Hah exists.
, Is VERY chatty when your around him. He likes to rant about stuff while you're just there listening to him speak gibberish.
, Glares at anybody who shit talks you and sends them to the cellar with a sheer look of dissapointment.
, SPIN HUGS WHEN YOU FINISH A CHALLENGE AND YOU WERENT FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. HE PRAISES YOU SO MUCH. RAHH.
, When your sad he takes you to your room and your both just cuddling while your sleeping and under big fat soft blankets and he plays with your hair.
" How dare you criticize my dearest you li-"
Likes + Reblogs are appreciated.
i spent 2 hours on this bitch smh
#digital circus#tadc queenie#tadc kinger#tadc pomni#tadc jax#tadc kaufmo#tadc gangle#tadc caine#tadc zooble#tadc zooble x reader#tadc caine x reader#tadc queenie x reader#tadc kinger x reader#tadc kaufmo x reader#tadc#tadc x reader#THE GRIND IS REAL#RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!#im so tired
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hi! your blog's been encouraging to me as a trans guy, but i've recently felt that i should no longer call myself that/should just "go back to" being a girl, and idk if my train of thought makes any sense...so i just wanted to ask someone w more experience (but feel free to ignore this rant/call me out if im not making sense btw)
so yeah, my cousin's been out to me as a (binary) trans man for a few years now, and in trying to find understanding, i came out to him a few months later, but got a very flat/kinda disgusted reaction. despite my consistent support for him over the years, he has continued to "joke" about my looks/short hair and dismisses any attempts at serious conversations or even just jokes about gender/being a guy too. he also calls me things ive told him makes me uncomfortable (gender-wise) and then acts like it means nothing. he generally brushes me off by telling me to stop trying to compare myself to him, and is either prickly about it or just in-your-face "idgaf what you're talking about and i'm tired of you." it barely hurts me anymore, but ive felt connected to trans-ness for so many years (longer than id even known he was too) and his reaction to this part of me has honestly made me wonder if i'm just making it up/am trying too hard or something,,,like maybe i'm just trying to cover for being a gross 20-somethings woman ?? idk ?
i'm probably just being over-sensitive, and i dont feel it's outright malicious or anything (maybe he just doesn't think/care about it as much as me?), but i have nobody else to ask (no irl friends/people im out to) and i'm currently renting/living with him, which has brought these worries to the forefront. thanks if youve read this far, but please don't feel pressured to respond!
Your cousin sounds like he has a lot of internalized transphobia he's directing at you. Unfortunately there are trans people who try to prop themselves up and make themselves feel more confident in their transness by tearing down others. You are not being over-sensitive, and regardless of what he thinks he's doing, he's actively being cruel to you. You are well within your rights to be hurt by his actions. Living with someone who is constantly being transphobic to you is traumatizing- detransitioning can be a coping method for those who have to constantly defend themselves from transphobic abuse.
If its possible, I would recommend trying to see if there are any queer orgs in your area you could connect with (physically or online). At the least, you may find some people who can give you emotional support, and they also may be able to find you a better living situation. Even if that's not possible right now, keep reminding yourself that his behavior is cruel and you are allowed to be upset about it. You do not need to take any of his opinions on your gender seriously. You are not making up your transness or trying too hard. You are not over-sensitive, you are being hurt.
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AITA for not outing myself at my internship?
(some quoted things are paraphrased because my native language isnt english and i had to translate the things im quoting first.)
I (20+, trans nb) recently got a four week internship at a local radio station. I dont take any HRT yet and dont own a binder, so while i do try to dress in a way that feels comfortable to me, i dont really consider myself to be passing. So I applied to the internship as my deadname (which is also still my legal name) and introduced myself as a girl and with that name too. I was going in with the mindset that its kinda my own personal thing to consider, and since its only temporary and involves 'official' stuff (documents, articles being credited etc) + i never know how people would react to it/treat me, i dont necessarily have to tell everyone i meet. the internship went over kinda fast and everyone there was really nice and i had a feeling they'd also be accepting and use my right pronouns and name if i told them, but at that part i didnt have much time left and didnt want them to suddenly treat me differently and make a big thing out of it.
During the last few days of the internship, i got sick and couldn't go to work, which in itself was fine. But what happened was that my grandpa, who sometimes does volunteering at the same radio station, had an appointment to record something on one of the days i was sick and thought it'd be nice to surprise visit me. I, being sick and at home, obviously wasn't there but when he tried to find me he called out my new name and not my deadname, and when they got confused and asked him who he meant he apparently kind of laughed at them for not knowing that that name is me.
The next day, when i called in again to tell them I'd have to stay home for the next two days (till weekend) too, i immediately got asked why he was calling me [new name] instead of [deadname]. I got kinda uncomfortable since its like, either forcing me to lie or to out myself. I ended up telling them the truth, that im actually trans and prefer that name and that my family & friends use it for me, but that i didnt feel like outing myself at their workplace since it was only a short term official thing. The woman on the phone then went along the lines of "ah, i figured it was that already. you wouldnt have been the first trans intern we had, we would have been happy to use your new name for you. I also didn't like/appreciate your grandfather laughing at me for not knowing about it". I didnt really comment on that more than saying 'thanks' because i didnt want to have to defend me not outing myself? And we had a few other official things to discuss regarding the internship ending anyway.
A few days later i got mail from them, which had the documents i needed to prove i was an intern there (and they were nice and sent two copies, one with my deadname and she/her and one with my new name and he/him). There was another smaller piece of paper in the envelope which read "kind regards from everyone in the team. and sorry we weren't sensitive/understanding/empathetic enough for you to tell us".
And it sounds nice, but to me the message + the conversation i had where i was kind of forced to out myself earlier reads kind of passive aggressive. or as indirectly telling me i should have just outed myself and they're hurt by me not trusting them enough to tell them and making them look dumb to my grandfather for not knowing.
AITA?
What are these acronyms?
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mutuals appreciation messages !!
haii!! i wanted to do this so here: (mainly did moots i interact with the most!!)
@copyhanni, thank you for basically everything, hye bae. everyday im always forward to texting u on the gc. and the way you always defend me is something i really admire in you. i love you to the moon and back <3
@naespas, nae i love you sooo much. you make me laugh every time when you send silly goofy little texts and images. your personality and spirit really makes me feel like myself and in tough times, your always there for me
@wonifullove, sav im sooo happy we got closer recently cause your the sweetest moot/best friend to me ever. your posts are amazing, and your jokes are >>>>. i think your the most relatable person i ever met too.
@bywons, sru you were one of my first moots ever when i made this. you were the moot that helped watched me grow and become who i am today. our dms together make me giggle and smile. thank you and ily ><
@nishions, hiii lizzz!!! im married to your works and ur acc. ur sweet personality makes me sooo excited to be around you. literally i remember the first time we met was through asks and here we are now. sending love and hugs
@yeokii, my twin bae!!!!! im so sad we js met recently but ur so relatable + so funny + so sweet + so amazing. ur acc truly feels like a safe place to be. hope we could get closer!!!
@atrirose, my angel, seiu <33 ur the sweetest person i ever met in tumblr. ur works make me levitate and cry every time i read them (good thing). your account themes are so gorgeous???????
@isoobie, riri bae!!!!!! i get soo excited when i see you in my inbox and my homepage. your bubbly and funny personality makes me smile everyday when im on tumblr. thank u for everything and love u !!!
@okwonyo, jiah u were literally my idol back when i was a enha reader. i was obsessed with your works and now the fact im moots w u plus interacted multiple times makes me feel super proud (hehe). i hope we could get close!!!
@yenqa, ik yen ur on hiatus but thank u sooo much for enjoying all my works. i love all ur works too + ur so funny. every time i see you interact or like my work, i get sooo happy cus if your happy im happy!! (miss u sooo much TT)
@jjunae, hai kae!!!! even though we dont interact too much, i want to appreciate all your works and your effort. you work so hard and im in love with every single piece you write. sending support and love <3
@sainns, anna!!!!! thank u for enjoying my works and once again supporting me. i saw you so many times on my tl before we even became moots and here we are now. (also thank u for defending me during times when i needed the most support. love u)
@ashtxrie, ash (or sunoo's gf), thank u for being one of my first moots. u were the one who supported my works. sending luck to your exams!!! u got this!! ><
@stariekis, my uri bby. you are truly an angel from heaven. your sweet compliments make me smile everyday. even though i know you won't see this due to your hiatus, i want to let you know how much i really appreciate your words. you truly are someone that i admire up to and love. thank you <3
@neos127, hai hai ky! we don't talk often but we've talked a couple times in our inboxes. even based on our small conversations, i noticed how sweet and kind you are. you truly are a person that everyone loves and will support throughout.
@stariikis, my ash, you were one of the first ppl who dmed me and reached out to become friends. you were one of the first ppl who was my age and became a friend of mine. i want to say you truly are a good person and ill support you throughout every moment. sending kisses ^3^
@hyeinkiss, via baefy!! even though we just met yesterday, i want to note how cute and sweet u r. the way u love my works make me so proud of myself. i truly hope u get all the love and attention u deserve. i love u sm via, i hope we could become close moots!!!
@onlyjjong, lili, my love sender. your lovely messages are the truly sweetest in the world. the way you always care for others and look out for outs is the best thing about you. i really hope to see u in my inboxes soon ><
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hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x
#seriously another shout out to my mutuals#id particularly like to say thank you to boom who's always right there for me no matter what's happening or how insane im being#and also everyone in our little discord that wound up having to make a whole new channel for venting#bc i was there so often like 'today's weird ask isssss.... telling me about my cupsize!! rip them to shreds!!!'#hannah and theo especially being there and pushing me to finally turn off anon. war is truly over#and of course rori bc the shamelessness u show when hating on my anon asks has been genuinely really cathartic#sometimes u really do just need a rottweiler mutual to tell random people online to kill themselves 😭#okay weird oscar acceptance speechcore gratitude over. i do just rlly love my mutuals#like i went three years not telling anyone about the worse side of internet popularity for fear of looking spoiled and ungrateful#so for the first time to open up about it and be met with outrage on my behalf and people saying in fact it's MORE fucked up#than i initially realised bc ive grown desensitised to it is. yeah cathartic i guess#they are singlehandedly reassuring me of the good this cursed app still holds#so everyone thank them and send them flowers NOW#okay im done i think. see you guys soon. i truly do want to come back asap bc like i said i NEVER EVEN WANTED TO FUCKING LEAVE#SOME ASSHOLES JUST HAD TO PUT GRENADES ON WHAT I ASSUMED WERE VERY UNIVERSAL AND OBVIOUS BOUNDARIES#if you're reading this like 'ohhh fuck i defo sent something invasive lately. i thought it was a joke/we were friends'#then 1) we arent friends if you're on anon. it immediately creates a power imbalance where you know me and any necessary context#but i have no idea who you are or how much you know about me. that's already a fucked dynamic#and 2) I HOPE YOU FEEL BAD. LIKE GENUINELY I HOPE YOU FEEL AWFUL AND HAVE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF#okay i think that's all. ta-ra lads??? how tf do u end something like this#ive queued this to reblog a couple more times throughout the day
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you’re so real for that post bc i really feel that some ppl dont get atla at all. Like this show is a masterpiece and you look at the fandom and it’s just a shipping war??? And ppl hating on aang and it’s like. damn. and I feel like the bad netflix remake just exacerbated this feeling bc of how it’s unequivocally worse than the original, yet people defend it as if small changes don’t have huge consequences for the narrative. and yeah i completely see where you’re coming from. This show means a lot to me and it’s weird seeing people treat it like a flash fandom on the week without putting much thought into its themes and characters
Yup, you got it. The discourse is filled with “this character is bad” or “this character should’ve done that” or “this character is weak” and it’s so disheartening. Is this all you took away from this amazing show?
All the character bashing, like Katara or Aang…If all you can say about the main character of the show is how bad they are, why do you even like the show? People say Katara sucks because she’s still traumatized from her mom’s death, or Aang sucks because he’s childish and not aggressive enough. That’s who they are! If you don’t like it, just say it wasn’t for you and move on. Seriously, if I hated the main character so much I would not consider myself a fan of the show (LoK for instance. I’m not a fan of Korra so I don’t like that show but I would also never ever go out of the way to tell everyone how bad Korra is, just let people enjoy things!).
Especially when people feel the need to hate on Aang to make their own ship justified. Like, ship whoever you want, who cares, but why do you need to hate on a character just because he’s not your taste and you want the girl to end up with someone you like more? Just say - Aang is not my cup of tea and I’d like Katara to end up with Zuko. That’s great, have fun. I ship Kataang with all my heart but I love Zuko and you will never ever see me go into a Zutara tag and hate all over their ship…like, get a life people!
But that’s not even the worst I’ve seen in this fandom, people miss character arcs completely, rewrite them to fit their own narratives, focus on all the mistakes those characters made, instead of looking at how those characters learned from them, and it’s just exhausting. I love being a part of a fandom and sharing my thoughts and theories but this is just straight up missing the point of the show completely.
People want to see everything in black and white when the show is the complete opposite of that. People say - Roku didn’t kill his best friend so he’s the worst Avatar. Or Korra lost her past lives so she the worst Avatar. Or Aang is selfish for not killing Ozai so he’s the worst avatar. If you want to watch a show with perfect characters that don’t have any depth, flaws or desires of their own, maybe this isn’t the show for you.
Go watch the Netflix version, I guess, no one has any depth there, you’ll forget all about it in like a month but that’s probably for the best.
#atla#avatar: the last airbender#avatar the last airbender#avatar#aang#the legend of korra#zuko#avatar aang#Katara#kataang#zutara
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The thing is, I dont care if people like JGraham. I don't think people who like him are bad people (unless you were a part of the group last year who used anti indigenous slurs in their discord and said things like "breed out the tribal". Then I think you're bad. But that's besides the point).
I'm a self admitted vulpes enjoyer! He sucks and I find him fascinating. As a villain and a narrative device, I think he's interesting, and I'm not saying anybody shouldnt feel that way about Joshua, as much as I personally dislike him. The thing that grinds my gears is making excuses for why Joshua cant be a villain, why the narrative redeems him. Because it doesnt.
Nobody is saying that you arent allowed to like joshua Graham, but when you make these posts in his defense, I gotta ask myself if we played the same game and met the same character, because I dont know how you can walk away from HH and not think to yourself, "Wow, that guy was fucking deranged." When I see takes defending him and claiming that he's ACTUALLY A GOOD GUY, PEOPLE, TRUST ME, it makes me wonder how good y'all are at recognizing and calling out racism and christofascism in real life. This shit is pervasive, it's everywhere, and it's in joshua Graham and the Legion.
I understand the need for a narrative of redemption. It's soothing - and very human to desire!- a story where we're told "there is no sin so red that you are unworthy of love" but what I dont understand is why you're looking to Joshua Graham when the story given to us just isn't a story of redemption. It's a revenge story. It's a story about cyclical violence.
Even as flawed as HH is, it's also very clear about the fact that Joshua Graham is 1. Violent and 2. Wants to enact that violence upon the white legs. The courier is a bit of his unwilling (or willing, idk how you play) accomplice in that endeavor to carry out his will to kill or otherwise subjugate the White Legs. Idk, almost like Caesar and Joshua Graham as the malpais legate.
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These are some pages that I made as fanart for a fanfic i Really Love. It's something rare that I look back and actually kinda liking the result- 😂 I've been trying to improve my panels flow(?)/pacing And the Lettering- adding words in comics is pretty hard 🥺 if you had some insights, pls let me know ❤ or just give me what you think... Thank you so much!!
Hi! Thank you for waiting this long hahaha
First of all I love your Yugi, is so freaking adorable, big fan over here aaaaaa.
And okay we're gonna talk about comics. Oh boy. It's not a topic I dont like talking but it's something I get way too.... intense, even if I feel I don't have much to defend with. Anyway I'll try to not be so detailed and serious about it so I can bring a decent commentary!
Disclaimer that I have a lot of issues with the use of thought bubbles, but that's a me thing. Myself I try to avoid them so I can focus on a "show more, talk less" type of flow. So if I start talking about them it's because of that, not that you'r doing a bad thing or anything.
I like how you use the panels, by themselves and ignoring the dialogues, they work perfectly fine! I think my thing with the pacing is that I'd draw a 3-4 pages comics instead of 2 for this scene alone. It's a pain I know, but I think for this type of scenario adding a little more of time could help to appreciate some details, like Kaiba being notoriously angry, the moment he touches Yugi's forehead, etc. But this is also a very personal opinion because I'm a sucker for very sloooow interactions, so all this I'm saying is for the sake of a slower pacing. Sadly you gotta draw more or write less if you want to get that effect, also you can get in a situation where things end up vague and ugh, what a pain hjdfhjhds.
I have a serious problem with dialogue bubbles, I never know where to put them Dx. I always feel they're on the way or that they hinder the reading or that they look straight up ugly hahahaha. I think you use a good space for them! they're not in the way of the faces or important scenes, but I can see you needed to add arrows for the conversation to work. In my opinion the dialogue works perfectly without the arrows. We all know there are two people talking so having only the faces on the bubbles was enough to understand who was talking and what order follow.
Now, if you want to work on bubbles without using the faces to show who's talking and don't lose the order in the way, I could recommend something like this:
Sorry if it looks way too clumsy! But a thing we artist have to deal is how the order of the bubbles affects on the flow of the dialogue. Specially when we don't have a specific way to show how the person talks (for example japaneses have many ways to show character's expression so it's easier for them to identify it.) So we need to focus on the flow.
A wonderful person who talks TONS of this matter is the motherfucker Scott McCoud!
This is just an example of how dialogues can contribute to the time and spaces and how the order affects the reading. This is not the exact example for what I mean but Scott is a badass of the comic and the complexity of it.
Understanding Comics The invisible Art is a masterpiece, I blame him for making me doubt is I'm doing a good job or not.
Okay before I go way too into this, one last thing and this is personal opinion. I love white background but you gotta be very careful to not make it look like lazyness. You don't need to draw a full background but maybe adding some shading can help to make the illusion of space rather than having a blank space. Of course this is just my opinion.
Anyway, I really like how you work! my huge recommendation would be to simply take your time on it, I feel it shows a bit of impatience or nerviousness, but that's just my idea. So far you're going a good way on creating comics and I'd love to see more of them :3
Hope this helped you in some way! And as always don't forget to have fun drawing your beautiful bois!
this is me everytime I draw comic and find a inconsistency.
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Ive made through chapters 4-7 today and good god, I feel like i had basically nothing to say about acotar as I was reading it but with this book theres so much to talk about for some reason, its wild. Truly, I did not realize how much I liked Feyre in the first book until I was under threat of losing her
Now, I will say that Feyre seems in-character so far, shes still the same woman but traumatized, but I am worried for her. Tamlin is a whole different story though, SJM might as well shoot him dead right in front of me for how thoroughly hes being character assassinated. Like, if Tamlin actually cares about Feyre as a person and not just in a douchy, possessive alphahole way, which he should because Tamlin was not that kind of guy previously, then he would force Feyre to train so she can defend herself if necessary, not forbid her from it. Even if he didnt want her to use her magical powers, surely he would make her practice with her knife or with a sword or even with her bow just to be safe, because hes not always gonna be there
I think his actions do continue to make sense if you look at them from his perspective, but I also maintain that he's doing a really bad job at responding to Feyre. But also, its so laughably obvious what sjm is doing by having Tamlin say shit like "you were stolen from me", shes trying to paint him as some objectifying asshole. Even Lucien calling her "Tamlin's bride" feels like its part of all this, and I know Ianthe is gonna turn out to be a traitor and a rapist at some point, so it really comes across as an attempt to villify the entire spring court for its association with Tamlin
Speaking of Lucien, I genuinely think part of the reason Feylin is doing so badly in this book is that his dynamic with Tamlin is completely different now. For some reason hes all like "oh, my High Lord" instead of "my good friend Tamlin", he suddenly cant say a word against him when he was talking to shit to him just a few months ago in-uinverse. Like, if their dynamic was the same as it was in acotar, Lucien wouldve probably been like "hey man, I know youre stressed and I get it, I know what its like to watch the love of my life get brutally murdered I dont know what its like to have her magically ressurected again but thats neither here nor there, but Feyre is clearly not happy being inside all day and you need a break, go take her out on a date in the woods, I'll stay here and take care of everything, dont even worry about it" or gotten him to comprise with Feyre or chill tf out or SOMETHING but because theres suddenly this rigid hierarchy in the spring court in order to make the night court look better
Speaking of the night court, Ive heard some stuff about it feeling very orientalist but it still managed to completely blindsight me with its badness. Feyre got fucking harem pants to wear, really? And a short-sleeved croptop, and no fucking shoes, probably because Rhys didnt want Feyre throwing shoes at him again. That was the one moment in this book that brought me genuine joy btw, I would read a thousand fanfics about her just throwing shit at him
Anyway, speaking of my guy (derogatory) Rhysand Nolastname, hes so incredibly annoying I dont even have any coherent thoughts about him right now, like, if I were to write down what I think of him I would just write "he fuckinh pisses me off" over and over again. Im actually a really big fan of edgy shadow bois, but only if theyre like, sad and angry and closed off, if theyre like Rhysand and theyre all flirty and teasing and cocky and shit, theyre just annoying and nothing else. And the romance has barely even started yet, I cant imagine how much worse the flirting is gonna get later. Not to mention all these desperate and obvious attempts by sjm to make him sympathetic and morally good now, its honestly pretty pathetic
Now Im gonna be real with you, I didnt get a lot of sleep yesterday and I can feel myself and the things Im writing getting less and less coherent, so Im just gonna hit you with the very last of my thoughts bullet point style
The fact that Amarantha apparently didnt actually go rogue and it was all part of Hybern's plan feels misogynistic ngl
Ianthe's entire character already feels so misogynistic and slutshame-y and she hasnt even assaulted anyone yet
Something about Mor bothers me, I cant quite put my finger on it but its there. I think I do like her for annoying Rhys though
God, Im gonna have so much to say about the Illyrians but for now, its awfully bold of Rhysand to be like "they wasted no time throwing themselves before her feet" when THATS WHAT HE DID
Thats it for now
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Hii
I'm very new in this plataform and the english is not my first language, so i'm very nervous. 😓
I saw your account for casuality and your open requests (if are still open) so, I'm here!
I can ask for a HSR and genshin matchup?
PD: I like your writing, I think it's cute and congratulations for yours almost 400 followers✌
She/Her
I'm pan, so I'm fine with anyone you think.💕
I'm ENFP and I'm pretty sure a 8w9.
I'm a bit like the tipycal sunshine character, optimish, always happy, extroverted, distracted... But I still a mature and wise person who sometime are very weird and feel like a strange, like so young and so old in the same time. (Ancient dreams from Marina is literally my song 😭)
I don't have a good relation with my family and I speake about them and my past never (That make me feel cringe) so, I considere myself like a bit mistery and reserved person for that and a others little things.
i love with all my soul the animals, the fantasie and sci-fi, whatever misterious-type things, philosophy and the classic fairy tales, I wanna be a writer and I have planned study philosophy.
I have a little problem with the authority for that I'm most a leader over a follower but if athe person is more capable and I respect that person i can follow the orden, and I'm very passionated when I have to defend my ideologys or when I saw a injustice, the discussions in my classroom are very interesant😅
My senses of self-preservation is almost non-existent, you know that character who always die for someone else? I'm them, I think this is the reason cause I'm a Griffyndor.
I'm very attached to my own moral, but no to the rules in general, so if I must be a alignment I would be a chaotic good.
I hate be alone, but I still fell very nervous in big crowds specialy if are very noisy, and places with no visible exits.
I can cry for whatever, I'm very kind, compassionate and affectionate all the time, i love help people in whatever, but i can be a little cruel with bad people.
I think that is all i can say about me, sorryyy id this is too long😭 i didn't know very well what write.
If you do this, so thaks to you, don't forget take care od you and a good rest.💕
HEY SWEETIE, THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING AND DONT WORRY YOU DID GREAT, and please, no need to be nervous you're way too sweet!
Anyways onto your request....
.
.
.
BLADE
Sunshine x grumpy
Fight me over this
It doesn't matter how you end up together, but what matters is that you are together and that's all thats important
He was very cautious of you in the beginning but later grew fond of you
He's okay with your want to be leading, he doesn't mind it at all actually, he appreciates it, he's more of a follower type of person that just does what told to
I think he would be a lot more laid back and sweeter around you, he wouldn't always be frowning or emotionless, occasionally smiling and generally enjoying your presence, it somewhat heals him in his eternal suffering
He will try to stop you from always putting others Infront of you, and will force you to take more care and be selfish from time to time
Kindness and compassion...you're gonna need that with him
You're like his safe place, he can trust you and actually tells you about him and his past.
Generally I think you guys would be very cute and that blade would appreciate a cute sunshine like you
SCARAMOUCHE
Rare matchup I do
But I also think that scara could use some sweetness in his life
No matter how much he denies it he absolutely loves you and your personality
He would burn the entire world down just to make you happy
At first he was very closed off and distant from you but got comfortable sooner or later and now he's all yours
Tho there might be a few discussions about who's gonna plan certain missions and who generally takes lead in the relationship (it's always gonna end up being you) but otherwise you guys are a great match
Do reassure him a bit and make sure he's doing fine because that boy needs it
#genshin fluff#honkai star rail#hsr x reader#honkai star rail x reader#genshin imagines#genshin impact imagines#genshin impact scenarios#genshin impact x reader#genshin headcanons#honkai x reader#scara x you#scara x reader#blade x reader
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(uh, this is rlly long im so sorry qwq)
OMG THAT LAST CHAPTER HAD ME FEELING SM CARINA U CANT DO THIS TO ME !!!! LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW PARAGRAPHS IN I HADTA WALK AROUND BC I WAS SO OVERWHELMED I LOVED IT SM !!! N THOSE LAST FEW LINES. DONTDOTHISTOME I S A W THE "BEAST AU COMPLIANT" TAG ON UU IM GONNA SOB MY EYES OUT DURING IT I JUST KNOW !!!
gonna leave some of my fave few lines n my thoughts abt them from this chapter (ok these arent all of em, bc if i put all of em it'd be the whole 50k words of this series SO ITS JUST THIS CHAPTER)
"because how could he possibly belong amongst people who are so unfailingly good that it makes his tainted heart stick out like a sore thumb?"
STOP NO DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEEE throughout the whole fic u perfectly captured his thought process n how he denies his own capacity for change n how he HAS changed from when he was 18 BUT THIS LINE MADE ME TEAR UPPPPPP
"He is so completely and irrevocably in love with you that Dazai doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to live in a world without you. The thought alone makes his skin crawl and his chest cave in."
self-explanatory
“Are you calling me ugly?”
u gorgeous, gorgeous man ilysm yes you look like a rat but i'll swaddle u up in blankets n clean u up
the whole graveyard scene. DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY HELLO
“You were a kid, Osamu. You’re not some incarnate of evil for ending up where you did, you were failed by all of the adults in your life,”
ok nvm crying this hit me like a truck
"Humans cannot live without a heart, so if he’s to give you his, it’s only fair that you give him your own—though realistically, yours has already been his for a long time."
i feel like this mightve been ur fave line, but if it wasnt IT STILL IS MINE BC OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD QWQ
ranpos lil rant was so funny he's literally me frfr
“Yeah… ha, look at us, in jail at the same time! Couple goals, huh?”
i giggled
PLS READER INVITING EVERYONE JUST TO AVOID GETTING INTERROGATED UMMM RELATABLE LMFAO
these are just some of them BUT JUST IN GENERAL, UR WRITING IS JUST MAGICAL ITS EVERYTHING IVE EVER WANTED TO READ N I LOVELOVELOVEEEE THIS SERIES N ALL UR WORKS (n u /p) SM !!! I CANT WAIT FOR UNREAL UNEARTH, I JUST KNOW IT'LL BE AMAZING !!!
RED HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU NOT TO APOLOGIZE I LITERALLY ADORE YOU IM GOING TO WEEP OMG
honestly the first scene of dazai’s pov was one of my favs to write because it pisses me off so much whenever he’s excluded from the ada panels in the manga fjsjdjsjjd so i NEEDED the opportunity to hit home that that is his FAMILY idc what asagiri says the ada is that boys family and he deserves it 🥹🤞
UGHHHHH STOP BECAUSE WHENEVER I WRITE CANONZAI ITS SO HARD TO KEEP ON THAT THIN LINE OF HIS INABILITY TO ACCEPT HIS OWN GROWTH WHILE ALSO HAVING HIM ACKNOWLEDGING ODA’S LAST WISH FOR HIM SO I REWROTE SO MANY OF HIS POVS SEVERAL TIMES BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WASNT GRASPING IT ALL PROPERLY
the graveyard scene was one of the 3 scenes i started writing for 🥹 i literally was weeping when i finally got to it
AND ALSO THE YOU WERE A KID LINE UGHHHHHHHH BRO when i tell you that’s something that i literally want to scream at him and shake his shoulders like he was FOURTEEN WHEN MORI BROUGHT HIM IN AFTER HIS ATTEMPT !!!!! FOURTEEN !!!!! HE WAS A BABY IT MAKES ME SO SAD WHEN HE FRAMES HIMSELF AS SOME IRREDEEMABLE MONSTER WHEN HE ONLY TURNED OUT THE WAY HE DID BECAUSE HE HAD NO ADULTS IN HIS LIFE SETTING HIM ON THE RIGHT TRACK ugh im gonna weep again i will always be dazai’s #1 defender, i will fight him himself idc he was only a lil baby :’)
oh my god fun fact i actually almost deleted that line about the heart, i don’t even know why like i was rereading it right before i post and i second guessed myself because i was like ‘i don’t think it rlly flows’ but then i decided against removing it because i liked the line in general SO IM WEEPING AGAIB
bro ranpo needs a promotion for real the headaches this man must get because of people not listening to him 💀
HDOSJDJSJDJJD THE COUPLES GOAL LINE WHEN I TELL YOU I SNORTED WRITING IT HELPPPPP I WAS GIGGLING SO HARD
RED ILYSM IM BUNDLING YOU IN THE SOFTEST BLANKETS AND GIVING YOU A FOREHEAD KISS
i’m so excited for unreal unearth like honestly it’s my pride and joy, i’m so pleased with how my beast!dazai characterization has come out so far and i’m hoping everyone else is going to like it too 🥹 if not ill simply die HAHAH JK JK JK no but really i’m so very excited for it
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for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.
ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.
i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.
sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.
content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.
Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.
I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.
Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.
Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.
That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.
And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.
Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.
💜💜💜💜
#asks#self harm tw#antipsych#psych abolition#harm reduction#harm reduction is so important to me. didn't go on this in the main post bc it's a tangent but just like#the co-optation of harm reduction by the gov and nonprofits makes me so fucking annoyed.#i learned harm reduction from other sex workers and drug users bc it was what were doing to survive. to me harm reduction needs to be based#in radical autonomy and liberation and with the understanding that it's totally fine and neutral and okay if ppl never stop#also my own relationship to self harm is not one where stopping it completely is a priority. there's a few forms of self harm i want to sto#bc it's really hard to accurately judge the risks of that self harm. and also because it was really difficult for my loved ones to watch an#i care about that. but i feel totally okay with the thought that cutting may or may not be a part of my future. and that i will find#love joy meaning. all of that. regardless. and that there are times im grateful for how self harm helped me survive#as much as there are times i hate it and times that self harm were so incredibly destructive to other parts of my life. it is soooo complex#for me! and i cannot just label it the way psychs want me to#anyway. lots of love anon.
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i wanted to add more to that previous post, but a lot of people nowadays dont get what being autistic is like
its like failing every single social interaction, so you learn to copy successful ones from tv or the internet
its having a fucked up understanding of social rules, fucked up in the sense that you don’t seem to understand them until you play them through in your mind over and over again and it finally sets why they make sense
like, dont get me wrong, maybe no one can relate to what im describing, maybe im the only one that relates; but i have to replay scenarios over and over inside my head and through characters and situations to be able to rationalize them outside of “it gives you a higher score in being a good person”
its also a barrier in linguistics, i make up so many words that only make sense to me, i combine words all the time, i used to fail to communicate what i meant, and i got in trouble or upsetted people all around because what i want to convey and what my mouth says are two different things
its also a huge barrier in empathy, i either feel every single emotions or im unnable to relate at all, which sometimes makes me seem like a sociopath
its having insane insomnia fits, making me unnable to sleep, having to work through most days with half my tank in energy
its having an eating disorder because eating makes me feel nice, and since i cant properly regulate my emotions by nature, i end up overeating and making myself sick
its being isolated from most of the world, because you feel like no one gets you, and that you are so fundamentally weird that no one will ever get you
its so much more than just having strong interest!! its so much more complicated!!!
but yeah, i think social media has made it into just a flanderized version of what the experience truly is that most teens cannot differentiate it
and i get the why, society nowadays punishes you brutally for being weird, UNLESS you have a “get out of jail” card
so i do understand why people fixate so much in being diagnosed, because sometimes you might think that having a reason for your weird abnormal behavior will be enough to just indulge in it, without any guilt
let me tell you, it isn’t like that
i didnt asked to be diagnosed, i got refered by my psych after multiple sessions and my meds not working as intended
having the answer as to why im the way i am didn’t fix anything, because at the end of the day you have to find a way to fit inside society or endure eternal loneliness, you cannot force others to let you into their lives just cause you have a disorder
you will always need to be a social person if you want people to socialize with you
sometimes being weird is nice and you should indulge in it as long as you dont hurt anyone else or yourself!! you dont need an excuse, you just need to be strong enough to be weird for the sake of being weird!
im not saying to not get a diagnosis, you should get one if you feel the ACOMODATIONS will benefit you more than the drawbacks of having a diagnosis
i just think we should allow people to not be shamed for just being weird, because then obviously they will hang to anything that might be a useful way to defend themselves from cruelty, be it a diagnosis or something else
anyway, those were just my two cents
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