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ranboolivesaysstuff · 8 months

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IMPORTANT POST PLEASE READ

Im gonna be honest and open for a sec, and please do not take this as "oh I HATE my community or I dont like the people who watch me" but honestly as of late (and I did highlight this during the mcc bit), ive felt like I havent been able to really be in my own community simply because of the constant way that "discourse" is handled. Making vague posts and not really tackling issues in a good way, all that is going to do is just show people a big "THIS COMMUNITY BAD" sign and not actually help anything within the community, all its going to do is have the good and potentially good people leave or not join in the first place. The way that discourse is treated that ive seen has been the main reason why I have started to try to distance myself, which has been the most heartbreaking thing I have had to do. I want problems to be solved in a mature, civil way, with either a dm or a reply, not an entire vague thing that only says "bad things are happening" and doesnt elaborate on anything or barely elaboratesa and only gives people on both the inside and outside a bad sign of what the community is. Making posts whenever something happens being like "here we go again" is only going to highlight the wrong things, and actually DOESNT help the issue at all! The problems should be discussed directly with the people who are doing said problems FIRST! Bring attention to behaviors and things that arent good DIRECTLY! And also, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO!!! It is not your duty as a viewer or fan of me to be involved in any of this if you do not want to! Just enjoy the content and make silly posts! As someone who constantly tried to fix and get into every problem as it was happening, it took a huge toll on my mental health, and I want you guys to just be able to enjoy the content without having to worry about what you say about it! Be constructive! Dont make posts again just being like "wow this community is so bad" because that doesnt solve literally anything! If you have enough passion to make the posts saying "wow this community is bad" then only post about that, you are only spreading that negative message, and not uplifting anything of actual value! And if the person you are trying to help is not willing or not listening, BLOCK! MUTE! DONT BRING MORE ATTENTION TO THE PERSON IF THEY ARE NOT BEING A GOOD PART OF THE COMMUNITY!!!! I know I say that if I see problems I will call them out, but I shouldnt have to babysit every single time a thing happens within the community as that just isnt a healthy way for a creator or a community to be handled. This does not mean that I do not care about the issues or dont want them fixed, rather it shouldnt take me having to make some grand statement every single time something happens it should take only your own self reflection and self awareness. And to add onto this, make sure that every once in a while no matter who you are you think and have that self reflection, you should be open to being willing to learn and grow as a person! And again, I do NOT want anyone taking this as "Wow this community is terrible" but rather that we just have things that need to be fixed and changed and THAT IS OKAY! I do not hate the community, I care so much about it that I want it to be a silly place for my content again! I want it to be the reason why people get into what I do because of it again! And I want to be able to just have fun and relax without having to worry about how every single thing that I may say could have someone stirring things up that simply dont help or solve anything! Take care of yourselves. And this isnt coming from a place of "I hate the community as a whole" but rather again I want to be able to exist and make content that we can all enjoy without having to worry about walking on eggshells around me or around eachother! At the end of the day im just a fella that wants to make silly videos for you all, and you are people who enjoy said videos. Nothing more. Nothing less.

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huboi · 2 months

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. SOFTY | 🎀

╰┈➤ summary; jjk men being big softies for you <3

╰┈➤ includes; gn! reader, possibly ooc characters, pure heart melting fluff, mentions of eating and drinking

╰┈➤ a/n; yes I’m aware I haven’t posted in years, I’ve been in a writers block for so long bro😭

GOJO SATORU

man’s already a huge softie, very smitten with you

even before you started dating he was all over you like an overexcited puppy when it’s owner comes back from work

when you guys started dating, nothing really changed

read as; gojo somehow managed to become even more clingy

LOVES PDA

dw tho, if you don’t like pda then he’ll respect that, as long as you guys can cuddle when you’re in private he won’t complain

if you are comfortable with PDA, prepare to hold hands 25/8

also he loves cuddles

kisses are a huge must, wether they’re short and sweet or long and spicy

GETO SUGURU

he doesn’t act very happy when you’re not around

only time when he’s happy when you’re not around is if his girls are there

when he comes back from his shenanigans he just snuggles you

will keep cuddling you even if you need the toilet

“suguru im gonna piss myself istg” “no you’re not”

even though you are a sorcerer, he wishes to keep you away from his sorcerer shenanigans

he doesn’t want you seeing his ‘ugly side’ to say the least

it’s as if a switch goes off in his brain when you come into the picture

“I will kill every non sorcerer there is😡😡😡” “hi sugu poo😙” “hi baby🥰🥰🥰”

KENTO NANAMI

he’s a serious guy, and so when he sees you, he just low key switches personalities for a sec

“hi honey, you ok? have you eaten, drank some water….” he tends to ask you these questions a lot, but dw he’s just concerned for your health

no PDA, the closest you’ll convince him to do is hand holding

in the privacy of your home, he’s a huge snuggle bug (you didn’t hear this from me)

loves kissing your face, he doesn’t know why, it just comforts him

one time you interrupted his time with yuji, giving him his lunch as he forgot it, and he, surprisingly, ended up kissing you on the cheek

yuji was stunned (the boy was too stunned to speak)

SUKUNA RYOMEN

when people think of the sukuna, they think of homicide, murder and all things negative

what people don’t see, is that when his s/o wants a certain food, he’ll get them they’re food no matter the cost

doesn’t matter if you want something fancy or simple, he’s gonna get it (you have to plead with him to not kill anyone)

no promises though (he ends up simply paying for it)

low key begs you for hugs, when you point this out he claims he ‘demands’ you for hugs and that he never begs… yeah right

you are the most protected person out there, sorcerer or not

you claim he reminds you of a tiger, but he acts like a simple house cat when you’re in the picture

he disagrees with a huff and arms crossed against his (phat titties) chest

you notice a slight blush on his cheeks, but you don’t say anything

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headcanonenthusiast · 5 months

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Alex Keller NSFW headcanons

This was made with both masc and fem readers in mind. This man really has absolutely no content out there, so I'm here to provide for y'all 😎 Enjoy! (Also, sorry if this is a little dry. It's my first time posting headcanons 😔)

(I completely understand that this type of content is not everyone's cup of tea, and that's ok! But, please scroll and ignore if this type of content isn't your thing as opposed to leaving any sort of negative comments.)

NSFW under the cut

-An absolute GOD at oral sex. He'll eat the pussy/suck dick as if he were famished

-Please smother him with your thighs when he eats you out/sucks you off. He'll be absolutely devastated if you don't. Doesn't care what your body type is, do it and he'll be happy for the rest of the week

"Fuckin smother me with those thighs, baby. What? No, no, don't you worry about me suffocating. If I do, then at least I'll die a happy man."

-And if you look at him with any hint of unamusement, he'll chuckle and kiss your inner thigh.

-Pays special attention to your clit/tip. He'll kiss at and slowly run his fingertips over it while complimenting your body.

-"Look at this pretty little pussy/cock, baby. So adorable."

-HEAVY on praise. Everything that falls from his mouth is either a moan or praise for you.

-"Aw, fuck, dolly. You're taking me so well. Such a good girl/boy."

-Prefers handjobs as opposed to head. Doesn't think you're bad at it or anything, just wants you to be able to respond to him when he talks.

-May not be big on head, but kiss his cock while your hands are wrapped around it and he might just cum right then and there.

-Not very kinky at all, but he may have a bit of a breeding kink ngl..

-Mostly because he actually wants kids. Whether you can have them or not, he'll beg to fill you up.

-Absolutely not a degrader. He'd feel way too bad.

-If you really begged him, he might try degrading you, but that'll all melt away in five seconds as he gently kisses your face in apology, even if you're getting into it.

"Oh, sunshine, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. Just don't think I could degrade someone so gorgeous/handsome."

-Very vocal, but mostly with talking. He 100% talks you through it

"Lift your leg up a little bit for me, baby. There we go, good girl/boy."

-If you're insecure about your body in any way, he'll carefully run his fingertips over whatever's making you insecure while fingering/jerking you off in front of a mirror.

-"Look at that amazing body, sweetheart. Takes me so well, makes me cum everytime..so beautiful/handsome. How could you hate a body like that, hm?"

-"Hell you mean you're too chubby/skinny? You're the perfect size for me, darling."

-Kisses and caresses any scars, stretchmarks, birthmarks or anything else on your body you may feel self-conscious about.

-If you space out at any point, or if he just wants your eyes on him, he'll click his tongue to snap you out of your thoughts.

-Constantly asking if you're alright. If you ever start crying during the act, he'll stop in his tracks and fuss over you.

"Oh God, are you okay? Did I hurt you, sunshine? Too rough?"

-Then when you convince him that you were just crying because of how good he's fucking you, he sighs in relief and chuckles a little.

"Silly girl/boy. Had me all scared for a sec."

-Will leave hickeys on you and will let you do it to him, but always somewhere noone else will see. You're his precious dolly, afterall. Why would Alex ever embarass you over making those marks visible?

-Besides, with the way he's got his arm snaked around your waist in public, everyone knows you're his

-Leaves hickeys on your chest, thighs and stomach (will definitely leave more on your thighs/belly if you're chubbier.)

-Tickles your neck with his facial hair on purpose and smirks when it makes you giggle.

-Has a lighthearted mindset about sex. Not opposed to making jokes and giggling during, before or after the act. As long as you're both feeling good, he's happy.

-Tells you that your pussy/dick/ass is the best in the world. Genuinely can't get enough of it.

"Shit, baby. This fuckin' pussy/ass is gonna make me cum..you wanna make me cum, baby? Yeah? Keep riding me then..just like that."

-Favorite positions are ones where you're on his lap. It feels so intimate and loving, the way he can feel your grip tighten on his shoulders and see every reaction you make as his cock smoothly fucks you.

-Mostly quite gentle. Will go harder if you want, but he's very cautious not to hurt you at all.

-Can easily be top or bottom. Just depends on his partner wants. If you're a top? He'll gladly let you do whatever you want. Bottom? He'll take care of all your needs and desires. Switch? He's happy to flip-flop around until you're happy.

-Makes you use your words. Rarely does things without you begging for it beforehand.

-"Come on, darling. You know you have to beg for what you want."

-Honestly a bit of a teaser. He'll get a big smirk on his face when you just whine to get fucked instead of asking properly. Clicks his tongue and gives a super dramatic shake of his head

-"Oh, baby doll. That's not how we ask for things. Speak up, love. Loud and clear."

- Can't deny you for long, though. The moment you beg he's all over you.

-Big on eye contact. Will turn your face towards him and give you his best puppy dog eyes until your eyes stay on him

-Your pleasure always comes first

-4 inches soft, 6 inches hard and fat asf (lord have mercy 🙏🙏)

-Aftercare is just as good as the sex. He'll run a warm bath/shower either you alone or the both of you and carefully wash whatever he can reach while sitting behind you.

-"You did great, baby. You alright? Not sore, are ya?" "Good, good. My perfect princess/prince."

-Then when you're both done washing up, you'd better drag your ass back to bed for one (or more) of the following:

-#1: Cuddles

-#2: Movie/show marathon

-#3: Round 2 >:)

My first headcanons done! I'm sure y'all can tell that I'm an Alex girlie but honestly this man is so FINE 😫 how can I not be? I'll def make some SFW and Alex x chubby reader headcanons later, dw.

Let me know who I should do next!

#alex keller #alex keller cod #call of duty #cod x reader #cod modern warfare #alex keller x reader #alex keller x you #alex keller x male reader #alex keller x y/n #alex keller x f!reader #alex keller smut #cod smut #god help us all #i'm a disappointment to my parents #can't believe I wrote this #this man is so fine #😫#nsfw.

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actualbird · 8 months

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do you think the nxx ever cries or just… don’t deal with their emotions in a healthy way? they must be so emotionally repressed!

im so sorry but this is worded in a way i find absolutely hilarious omfg. do they cry or do they suck it up til the end of time? KJAHVSJFHAVSLFSFKJA

i like to think they Do cry, but my god it takes a Lot. this goes for All of them. like, we've seen in canon when the nxx boys and rosa cries, and it's usually during/after very high stakes or very emotional situations. some examples off the top of my head are

marius cries in SSR Unconcealable, the card where mc gets KIDNAPPED and then both of them get TRAPPED IN A FREEZER FOR A HOT SEC

mc cries in SSR Peaceful Place because she thought luke got shot and DIED,

luke cries in his Blossom Chapter Personal Story 4 because he thought mc DROWNED AND DIED

artem cries in SSR Two Hearts as one because he got so emotional acting like he was choking mc

vyn cries in...well, several cards like SR False Tears and SSR Neon Melody but those were 1) not exactly a "healthy" way of dealing with emotions or 2) caused by pepper spray KJHVSKJDF. im behind on vyn's cards, idk in which ones he cries honestly due to genuine in distress

so like, they DO cry. but it seems to take rather a lot to get them there. the flipside is that they also cry when overcome with immensely positive emotion (like, mc was on the verge of tears when luke finally proposed in SSR Orange Scent) so at least theres that!!!! but it's not much, chief....

all members of the nxx team all are IMMENSELY repressed. i think the most emotionally healthy of the team is DAVIS, which isnt a good sign, given that hes not even human

anyhoo this ask inspired me so

here are some misc headcanons on the nxx team and crying

i hc that luke as a kid was Such a crybaby. he'd cry over everything: when he saw a sad movie, when he saw a happy movie, when he saw a dog being walked but the dog was so dang small, when mc cries and his high empathy kicks in to make it Our Cry Session, just...he cried over IT ALL. he was just a very emotionally sensitive child, even to emotions from others. he eventually got emotionally steadier as he grew up but i think there are innocuous movies that, due to him crying over them as a kid, still make luke cry as an adult

[nxx movie night]

marius: man i love this movie, absolute classi---WHY ARE YOU CRYING??

luke: because ANYBODY can COOK!! EVEN A RAT!!!!!

mc, silently glaring at marius over luke's shoulder as if to say "Don't You Say A Mean Word To Him Right Now": O_O

(yes, they were watching ratatouille)

vyn has mastered crying on cue and can do it at the drop of a hat, but when he REALLY TRULY ACTUALLY is hit by the genuine need to cry for any reason, be it positive or negative, he cannot stop it at all until its run its natural course.

which is just AGONIZING for him, surely, but this is the price he has to pay for the power of being able to cry on command: not be able to stop when it's for realsies

marius: HAHA, CRYBABY

vyn: //throws a book at him because just cuz he cant stop crying, doesnt mean he cant attack

it slightly pisses everyone off a teensy bit that artem can cry artfully.

like, the single tear. the lines of silent tears streaming down his face. even the more desperate sobs. doesnt matter whether theyre stage tears for another play or if theyre during high stakes situations, artem seems to naturally cry in a cinematic manner

artem: //shedding a few tears because of the stress of an nxx operation or something

luke: hey it's okay, everyone's alright

luke internal thoughts: why is he so pretty while crying?????? .....wait what

and lastly, marius can hold back tears like nobodys business. like luke, he was a huge crybaby as a kid. but unlike luke, he held it back so much that when he DID cry as a child, it was REALLY CRYING. like wailing, like sobbing. it's heartbreaking to watch

so via his Entire Life Of Repressing Weakness And Related Emotions, he became rlly powerful at holding back the need to cry. it only happens during VERY EMOTIONALLY INTENSE scenarios ORRRR

during horror movies

because hes such a horror weakling and he gets so spooked that tears literally come out

mc: how did that jumpscare make you tear up but not the intro scene to Up

marius, hiding behind a pillow to avoid any more jumpscares: im a man of endless mystery, miss

thank you for the ask :D

#asks #anon #tears of themis #tears of themis headcanon #luke pearce #vyn richter #artem wing #marius von hagen

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hkthatgffan · 11 months

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The fanmade Gravity Falls episode called Return to the Bunker is now out!!

youtube

I'll give my 2 cents below so, spoiler alert from here on out!

I loved how the episode was done. The artists did some amazing work with the animation and storyboarding for it. It surpasses in many ways even the work on Deep Woods. The VA's all did an awesome job too, with all of them being very close in getting to the voices of the original characters. I think the story was also really creative, fun and lore/character building. I've always longed for an episode diving into Mabel and Ford's bond and this episode did a great job with it. I also loved stuff like Stan and Dipper bonding, Wendy having more than just a background character role for once, how it explained stuff like the rift crack and especially that insane ending that makes it feel almost like a canon episode.

I have heard some negatives in regards to stuff like how Ford was handled by a lot of the Ford fans in the community which isn't too surprising given his character's love. I will admit personally that I felt Ford could have been handled better and as a retired fanfic and episode idea writer myself, it's not how I would have handled Ford, but I don't think for a sec it was unsalvageable. I think it would have worked better if Ford had more reasoning to why he was acting like that beyond trust no one, or that the end had him perhaps do what he did when they all were asleep so we wouldn't see the heartbreak in Mabel over that, but it is a fan episode. It's not how I would do it or probably Alex Hirsch, but that's us. I also feel there were plot holes here and there that were a bit hard to ignore that made the episode feel a bit clunky compared to how it was advertised.

But truth be told, the effort to put something like this together outweighs the flaws in it and I mean, it's fanmade so it's not actually canon or going to affect the show overall. IMO, Lost Legends had a lot more problems in how it handled the Mabel situation in ways (though that may be a bit of my left over Ford critic speaking from my younger days in the fandom when I was getting into all sorts of arguments over the Mabel issue with Ford fans on GF Amino but that's a tale for another day).

All in all, it was a great episode. If I had to give it a rating, I'd say 7.5/10 or 8/10. A huge congrats to the whole team for finishing it and releasing it. I know from speaking to Deep Woods members just how long and difficult these things can take to make and no matter the story, I'll always have respect for the artists and VA's who bring fan projects like this to life. What other cartoon has a fandom as dedicated as this one? Gravity Falls fans are one of a kind and 11 years on, we still show our love for this show in a greater way than other fandoms ever can.

To sum up, I have my pluses and minuses with this episode. Some are ones most fans will agree on and others will likely be a bit harder to do which I get. But my overall final take on it is good and my final rating out of 10 is a firm 7.5-8. I will agree though that Ford could have been handled better. Even back in 2018-2019 when I was writing fanfics and a bit more..."aggressive," in my stance of Ford to say it lightly, I did my best to write him in a way I felt was more aware and compassionate than RTTB Ford was. I am happy with how the episode handled Mabel however. I was so afraid they'd pull a Don't Dimension It type pattern but it was way better and I felt it was a decent step towards a Ford and Mabel like story. Still a way to go but not horrible.

But those are my two cents on Return to the Bunker.

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uninformedartist · 9 months

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So a review on Helluva boss So2 ep 6

Ok so gonna break this review down into positives and negatives with my additional thoughts.

Positives:

So always start off with this, big props and love to the animation team we know know and see your struggle working under Vivienne and animating her over-complicated designs. Props to the BG team really stunning backgrounds, was actually a bit over the top for me (Ozzie's palace and especially the dildo factory shit was moving way too fast) but did pause to have a look at the BGs it is really pretty, the shit pacing made everything a visual blur tho.

VA work stunning love always a joy to hear Alex and James in any VA work tho Fizz's song was eyyy not the best but don't blame Alex it was a shittly written song in general especially when it went to the heavy metal part, overstimulating af and again shit pacing during the song and the flashing visuals gave me a headache. Striker's new VA, Ed's voice really grew on me he should've been Striker in the 1st place because I know for a fact Norman couldn't reprise his role for future episodes.

I loved Ozzie and Fizz's relationship especially the end scene where you can see Ozzie development or got hold of the best technology to give Fizz functional limbs, was a tender scene their relationship and interactions made me smile. I'll give Viv 1 ty for not fucking up their relationship, ty Viv (I can be nice to her :). Tho 1 scene that bothered me... the 12 sec Ozzie dong scene 💀 my soul it was just so jarring especially with the fast pacing. Felt like a race car coming to an immediate stop then speeding off again. Would've like the scene replaced with Fizz telling Bliz something nice about Ozzie, why Fizz likes him. I'm tired of queer couples/pairings in this show describing their partner in 2 ways, 1. how good they are in bed or 2. they got x anatomy that's amazing. But its Viv writing this ep, sigh her and her damn middle school sex jokes I'll let it slide.

Now negatives:

I said it before I'll say it for all eternity, the pacing was dogshit bad oh my soul wtf... Viv, Adam whoever I know you guys don't listen to criticism but if any criticism you take fix your damn pacing 😑. I had to pause multiple times just to see what has happening, what was said, what this paper/sign etc said. It was bad, and that paired with the overdetailed BGs and character designs, for the 1st time ever I got overstimulted from a HB ep and had to take a 5 min break to rest my eyes (was by Fizz's song). Its a noisey spinning kaleidoscope this ep, so unpleasant and its all pacing. Stay on certain scenes a bit longer and allow the audience to take in the scene before them (that flackback scene) its makes a difference. If you get overwhelmed/overstimlated ect by such visuals I recommend watching the leaked episode its much better in terms of pacing since its mostly storyboards and there is no color, plus its just the VAs talking with no background music and zero to minimal sound effects.

I didn't care for Crimson in this episode, I know he became Viv's favorite 😒 but seeing this fucker back so soon, it wasn't enjoyable, especially since the only reason he's in this ep is for a "big score" 😑. Also I'm tired of this over convenient plots, Fizz so happened to be in the greed ring and so happened to run into Blitz and Striker so happened to be in greed meeting with Crim who need a man for a "big score" AND SO HAPPENED Striker sees Fizz/Blitz fighting outside the window 🙃. Its all too convenient for me it takes me out and I then think how the plot coming together is ridiculous.

Striker is so under utilized. Since Viv hates him (confirmed by sources I can't pull now apologies) and she wrote this episode, everything established of Striker in So1 is destroyed. He's a husk of his intended character, all talk no show, a misogynistic clown who you can see Viv has no care writing him properly because she doesn't like him which is fucking horrible, this woman will butcher an integral villian, one with a good motivation (he hates blue-bloods) all because "oh I don't like him he's not in my fav OC list", petty af.

Fizz's disability and how its handled, spoke about it in this post:

It still remains the same though now we see it wasn't Wally holding the cake just some other imp and the card Bliz made for Fizz was a love confession still doesn't justify his reaction shoving the imp and his still underlying jealousy of Fizz since they were young. Yes it was backing off from a love confession/ashamed he's not as good a performer as Fizz, Blitz was jealous of Fizz. Made another post saying how I like how Fizz sees his disability, he's content, happy, has Ozzie who understands him and even made/went out his way to get Fizz the best prosthetics to better his quality of life, I like that good on Fizzy :).

5. Going to be a separate long post on (ಠ_ಠ) Blitz, THE FUCKING BIRD IS BACK 💀💀💀 why your rotisserie chicken ass not in hospital or we just skipping past that and how Viv keeps I'm gonna say it, forcing her characters to have daddy issues by writing this fucking irritating basic fanfic trope of killing the mother offscreen/not having the mother in the picture/us seeing her face. A commenter pointed this out and it irritates me because its the 3rd time she does this, she show Tilla (Blitz's mom) in pictures, you think there would be an episode revolving around Blitz's childhood etc but no she's "in" a fast paced pitty party flashback. This woman really can't show an ounce of respect to any female characters.

This is all for now, will be making more posts the more this ep settles in.

Score: 4.7/10

#vivziepop critical #helluva boss critical #my post #spindlehorse critical #helluva boss critique

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writingforatwistedworld · 2 years

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Okay, how would any dormleader (of your choosing, I guess not kalim since he didn't overblot) react to a MC who dyes their hair a new or different color after or under stressful times. They especially changed haircolor after the dormleaders overblot and the huge fight.

(BTW love your stuff kept it up! 💖💕💘💓💗💘)

Since the EN version has only three overblotting dorm leaders at this point I will only do Riddle, Leona and Azul. (You made the cut anon! Otherwise is would have asked you to choose three if a fourth one had overblotted as well.) I also assume that the reader is in their world. I mean, the story is interesting but I can't imagine someone being extremely stressed if a fight happens in a mobile game. A bit maybe but not so much. Totally different though if you are in the game as well.

Self-aware au

I do not take any responsibility for you reading this no matter which age group you are from!

WARNINGS: Yandere themes, obsessive behavior, possessive behavior, stalking, unhealthy relationship, stress, imprisonment, manipulation, isolation

Riddle Rosehearts/Leona Kingscholar/Azul Ashengrotto-Player dyes their hair after their overblot

Where should I start... from the beginning? Ok

So, Riddle was still a bit shaky on his legs from his overblot, busy with recovering...

and then you enter his sight

Why did you dye your hair??!

He liked its natural color so much!

This leads of course to him asking you what made you do that

It's not that he dislikes it but he likes your natural hair so much more

How could he not? You are after all a perfect monarch in his eyes

So you do that every time you get into very stressful situations?

Has he even seen your natural hair color at least once??!

A secret which only you know the answer to...

He feels awful

You dying your hair is your choice and he has nothing against that but this also shows him that you were recently such a situation

And as far as he knows, he is the cause of the last one

Tries to compensate... somehow

But how do you correct things with someone who is above every single being if legends were true

They are very true in his mind. Don't ask me how he connects you, a mouse and jam.

He is weirdly protective/posessive... posective??!

If you want what's happening in a nutshell: he is stalking you without hiding that he is stalking you

I don't even think that he is aware that he is doing this

Children are supposed to pick up what their parents do and repeat it later in life... are you currently the younger him and he is his mom??!

Minus the negative aspect

And the family bonds

*Sigh* it's more like an overprotective helicopter husband looking out for his better half

The sec your eyes wander to the hair dye section in a shop he is immediately in “servant”-mode

Aka nothing stressful happening to you mode

And also no social contact

Just him, himself and him alone

Like this nothing can happen!

And also obsessive about your food, a good way of eating can influence you in a positive way after all

Just tell me when the wedding happens

Oh it's happening against your will? You are joking right? How could that be true whilst he looks so happy and innocent?

Believe it or not, you are the only one he pays close attention to

Leona thinks at first that it's just a choice of yours to change your style

Nothing serious? Back to napping (whilst keeping an attentive half-opened eye at everything you do)

But then a huge test in history is announced and... you spontaneously change your hair color?

Why? Wait... you changed it suspiciously close to his overblot as well...

Leona isn't stupid

Oh no, quite the opposite

So within seconds he counts two and two together and would you look at that?

Your last few seconds of privacy and silence end as well

From that day onward you have a lazy lion as a very observant desk neighbor

And he is also for some reason always in the same place you are after lessons

So much in fact that this can not be simple coincidence anymore

But if I may speak my mind, you have gained a very big house cat

Want to pet his ears? Go ahead.

Touch his tail? It's all yours!

All in private from prying eyes of course

As if you are ever truly alone. Don't forget Rook who is sitting on a tree outside whilst looking through a window

He has been told that his fur can be pretty soft and petting soft things is supposed to be relaxing, right?

Not to mention that like this he can have you all to himself

Leona is more than aware that people are afraid of him which makes them also afraid of you (as long as he is in your presence)

More time for you-and-him time!

But to be honest, behind that admiration is currently a very greedy lion who is happy that you belong to him and him alone

So when you think about changing the color again he immediately knows that something stressful happened

But this is also the last way he finds out that such a situation is occuring

And this tells him that you were somewhere without him outside if your dorm

Leona will not harm you in any way

At least physically

Mentally? He knows the tricks

Oh you are stressed? Is he such a bad person or why are you like that?

Not the best person to be around honestly

He mainly uses this to make sure that he knows when to become manipulative again

What do you mean you haven't left the dorm besides classes for months? Huh, Leona? He is way too lazy to do such a thing so what are you talking about?

Go with this one

The best outcome from those three

Azul knows stressful situations

Which means that he has found ways how to deal with them effectively and what to do if you feel like you

But let's start from the moment when he saw your changed hair color for the first time

Azul is known to be observant

I mean, he has to

Otherwise his not-so-friendly side business (which I bet he hides from his mom) wouldn't be able to survive

(And I might want to add that having a different hair color is pretty easy to see)

He loves it

At least until he finds out why you dyed it

This is the second you realize that Toboso unknowingly gave him the perfect face to throw you those puppet eyes

That is the moment when life becomes really easy for you

Homework? Here are the answers!

Tests? Here is a perfect guide which you only need to remember to get the best grade possible!

But at the same time...

Those strategies he developed to deal with stressful situations are throw out of the window

It's like you two are standing on a scale, whilst Azul takes all your stress you are living the high life

Worst thing is you won't even notice

No one will

But the raw piece of takoyaki (I am so sorry I regretted this joke the moment I typed it) isn't someone who would work for free

No and when will he ever get the chance to gain a favour from you again?

But don't you worry, he won't make you do weird stuff

Just let him manage your daily life

No friends, no contact, only lessons and only him

What he likes most is to wrap around you with his arms

He secretly dreams of doing this with his tentacles but you know... Azuls self-doubts and other problems....

When you ask him if everything is alright he will just smile and say that things are doing well

The truth is he is deeply scared of making you stressed again

He dared to do such a thing to the idol of many (himself included) so the only thing he can do to atone is to make your life as comfortable as possible

He doesn't even notice how much he isolates you

The second he notices that even a strand of your hair is colored differently than the last time he saw it he is inwardly crying and begging for forgiveness

That he dared to do such a thing again...

All I can say is, don't do it. Even if its something like your stress outlet don't

He has a loving family somewhere down that fishbowl, remember that please

But whilst we are at the subject of letting your stress out

Azul is sometimes clearly tired but motivated and relaxed to high heavens

Reason is... Ok it's weird but... he watches you whilst you sleep

Not in a weird way... ok in a weird way but only to relax himself

You always look so calm and as if no worry in the world is pushing you down whilst you sleep

It's kind of his thing to forget all the stressful things he takes on so that you can be happy

Bud oh my, why so desperate to leave his side? Isn't he always nice and takes care of you? Don't let him down. You don't want to be selfish after all. Just hand over your entire existence to him.

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farolero-posting · 5 months

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no but, like, Prototype is SO interesting when you think a little harder about him and I just want you to see my vision for a sec because im feeling normal. hiding this under a cut though.

I think the main line i wanna say is that yes we can easily see why Silver or The World Machine see themselves as flawed machines but I don't think that notion is too out of reach for him yknow? Like. He was built to "greet the messiah of the old world", which ended up not happening as it was supposed to. Worst part of it is that considering the lore Cedric provides, Proto was the one to figure out this quest for a savior was pointless. It's like predicting that his very existence is futile, and then just having to live with that?? Somehow?? Not only this, but the implied cultural shift that this event caused had to be considerable. People left their research, they changed their outlook in life, this action ended up changing the trajectory that people had. Hell, maybe some people took their own lives. I mean, that note in the Barrens had to be inspired by something.

Could you Fucking Imagine realizing that your actions had THIS effect? That you effectively have caused harm by sharing this knowledge, but this was either out of your scope, or it was something you were programmed to do from the start? That this is all out of your choice? What the fuck even. "OP it's not that deep" I know but it could be. Hello. I mean listen. if the Author hadn't known everything was going to end in the next few years, do you think he would've tried to create TWM?

And then, I guess. the simulation is created and as problems arise, the Author's children are tasked with a backup plan that could help them be tamed. There is no guarantee that whoever ends up with the simulation will attempt it, but they need to believe it's possible. And they all wait, and make sacrifices. Prototype not only hides in a corner that's harder to access but we find him without part of his memories, in such a way that he can't even introduce himself properly. The data is close to him, and yet body and mind and identity are kind of divisible. And there's no guarantee that his wait will amount to anything. Maybe he wouldn't even realize that, in that state though, I don't fucking know. Is it better to not know? Either way this sounds like quite the sacrifice to make, and I want that to sink in.

And sure, then the savior does show up, except the circumstances are different. This world is possible to save, this world is simpler, it's also just a simulation, and all of this is stuff he knows and has accepted. He doesn't even fulfill his purpose as he should because there's another robot taking that spot. And what he ends up doing, can be once again summarized as delivering information about things that he NEEDED to share for a greater good, and that causing a negative reaction of a magnitude that accelerates the corruption of the world, and his one chance to actually guide the savior ends up leaving them more confused, upset and doubtful that they can do anything. He tries to predict what could happen next, or at least, states he does and he is always too late. Too late to tell them of the corruption, too late to tell them that the mines will collapse, too late to react to make sure Silver and himself make it out alive. And yeah this event does make Solstice a far riskier route than intended. Did the Author and co. consider this possibility? Likely, did they THINK it would actually go that way? Probably fucking not.

It's fine, in the end. Robots can be repaired, and things did turn out okay, but the cost was still big, and no replacement can really make the consequences disappear. But time goes on, anyways. What else could you expect? What else can you do? Can you say you failed if it was out of your control? If it was never meant to be anyways? What did you make of the chance you did get?

And, in other topics, from where DO you draw your worth? What defines you? Where is "you"?

idk.

#im so sorry for the people who have notifications on for this blog. whoops. tell me to go sleep #do i even wanna maintag this... no....#can u tell it's late at night for me. unspeakably late #i know im preaching to the choir though like i dont think im saying anything unpopular lol #anyways top 3 characters i would go out for drinks if they could drink #so i could ask them WHAT THE FUCK. is up with them #prototype #analysis #proto had one fucking job and uhm. idk well. how well do u think he did it #suicide mention #kiiind of vaguely but just to be safe

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orangeoctopi7 · 2 months

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New season of Ninjago! I'm currently six episodes in.

(also I'm writing this the morning after I watched these episodes so my thoughts might be out of order)

Awkward teenage Riyu design is cute, but in that awkward, mid-stage pokemon evolution way.

"Intelligent George" is just every adult Ninjago fan on YouTube throwing around theories over the last year.

Sorry Lloyd, prophetic dreams of doom run in the family.

Hey, wait a sec. You know who else has prophetic dreams? Why are you not going to Zane with this?

Please give Arin a "you don't need powers to be powerful" arc.

All this talk of shattering all the good inside someone is reminding me of a certain other spell used to remove all the goodness from Garmadon back in season 8, but I doubt they're actually meant to be connected.

Slightly disappointed that the pink Serpentine isn't Skales' wife.

Euphrasia couldn't take on the master of Smoke, the elemental master she probably has the best type match up against? I don't wanna sound like one of those fans, but jeez, Morro would have destroyed this guy.

The Kai-Nya siblings dynamic continues to be on point.

Wyldfyre continues to be the best character.

I was honestly expecting Sora's fear dream to be more of the same insecurities we saw from her last season, but she actually has moved past that and now she's afraid of having to go back to Imperium. I was pleasantly surprised by that.

Oof, Nya's dream is giving me so many feels. This is foreshadowing, isn't it?

"Jay would never forget me. And even if he somehow did, he'd never be this calm and collected about a stranger coming up and hugging him."

Oh. Oh, we're not seeing Wyldfyre 's fear dream? Oh, she doesn't want to talk about it? *Rubbing hands together* I think we're gonna get some backstory and lore here!

*Bonzle to Cole and Geo* "You are my da-ads. You're my dad's. Boogie Woogie Woogie."

Suddenly Basketball

Ah, the dragon masters. The fact that dragons can learn spinjitzu honestly makes sense to me, all the way back in the pilot, I thought the way the dragons spun around in order to travel to the other realms was obviously related to Spinjitzu.

I like that Rontu is basically just a typical gym coach in dragon form.

Egalt, on the other hand... Well, I do really like his design. But man, he's just every bad "teaching" method from Wu rolled into an even grumpier old man. Talking down to his students, constantly being negative instead of giving positive reinforcement, no clear instructions, giving no answers or even hints to Arin's question, nothing! Maybe I care about this more than other people because I've worked as a teacher on and off for years, but even when I first started watching the show, back when I was still in college, I was already noticing these things about Wu and they already bothered me.

Anyway, calling it now, the students from "last time" Egalt keeps vague-ing were Wu and Garmadon, and Wu learned all his bad "teaching" methods from this guy.

Bonzle being a living spell is weird, but honestly not that out of the question for a crazy fantasy world like Ninjago.

Ok, so I'm going to break the first rule of enjoying Ninjago and think about the timeline. Judging by what Wu said, I'm guessing Bonzle ran into him some time early in season 2? And when did all this with the Forbidden Five happen?

Anyway, very excited to see where this is going, if only I didn't have to work today.

#Ninjago #my thoughts

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problematicbyler · 4 months

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my question with a lot of the takes that i’ve seen where they want to draw a line somewhere, whether that be at fantasizing or specificity or the takes being boring is like,, do they not read smut? ik some people don’t and that’s obviously fine like don’t read something if you don’t want to read it. but i feel like ive seen a lot of people say “stop having weird boring takes and actually write a fic instead of just fantasizing about it” and i think that’s such a strange take because something tells me not one of those people would be happier having more explicit fics saturate ao3. to me a lot of this feels like people are personally uncomfy with more nsfw content (which again is Obviously fine everyone has their own limits which should be respected and i don’t think anyone who just is saying nah it’s not for me and not making it a moral issue should be called puritans especially cuz sex can be a really sensitive topic for some people and i think those people generally understand the nuances a lot better than others who are throwing out allegations) and want their discomfort validated or maybe just want to understand it more themselves so they jump to one of these limitations. they don’t want to say they’re completely uncomfortable with sex because they’re probably not!! there’s just something that specifically seems to irk them about this situation and they want to publicize that in a way that makes them and anyone else who sees their take feel like they are objectively right and not being mean or against sex. i bet some of them have read smut (for other fandoms or even for byler) and maybe even enjoyed it but maybe felt icky or guilty and they want to justify that and not feel like they’re the weird ones or too sensitive or like kink shaming. i also bet some of them haven’t read any smut and don’t understand that it’s not all self insert (not that there’s anything wrong with that but tbh ive seen none of that on ao3 for byler and ive seen a lot of takes saying people want to have sec with teens and are making self insert fantasies about it when ive seen actually zero evidence of anyone doing that) and that it’s mostly using these characters who we love and project onto as vessels to explore different scenarios (emotional and physical) in a safe place that anyone who knows what they don’t like and knows how to read tags on ao3 won’t be negatively affected by.

(i also just want to say that the take that it’s boring and lazy content is so silly considering head cannons are literally the backbone of any fandom like we are all here to put them in situations we don’t already see them in in canon and “fantasize” about how they would react (except for people might use the word “think” or “speculate” when referring to non explicit head cannons) and also the fact that there’s a non explicit polls account that doesn’t get any flack for posting polls with the same level of frivolousness (not a bad thing, i like them too) and those are allowed to be just good old fun but once you add sex to the mix suddenly everyone only wants content that is serious and exclusively canon relevant)

yes!!!! being uncomfy with smut is fine!!!! but moralizing it and shaming people who do like smut is not fine!!!! all we are asking is for people to mind their own business and take control of curating their online experiences instead of taking it out on people for making content they don't like!!!

and yes!!! why are headcanons considered gross sexualized fantasies? like to me so much of sex is psychological so when i'm talking about kinks or who likes x thing more or what their sexual dynamic is like.... to me that's just another level of analysis and examining the character.

nothing further to add because i 100000000% agree to all of the above. thank you for the message!

#byler #anonymous #spicy byler #profiction

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writingforstraykids · 5 months

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I'm sorry for the rant, but a person who had to look up what being an HSP means when I told them (no shame for that, but you're hardly an expert) now saying, "Uh, I don't think you are if you don't know what's going on with me." is so fundamentally wrong and pissed me off for a sec.

Yes, I am HSP (highly sensitive person), and no, there's no direct diagnosis or any meds for it, which doesn't make it any less valid. Basically, everyone has a filter for all the sounds, smells, visual impacts, and so on, so you don't get overwhelmed by all that smacking you right in the face. I, as an HSP, also have a filter, but mine is letting way more through. Someone clicking their pen in class can take my whole focus from the lecture and redirect it at that single sound. Sometimes, it'll take me a few minutes to consciously realize where that sound is coming from, and then my brain's like, "Well done, girl, it's a pen, now we'll stay here for a while."

Yes, I do easily sense when people are upset or their mood is changing. I can come into a room and feel my own mood getting dragged down by all the negativity in it. So I have two options: Go with it or try to cope with it. I have learned ways to do the second; if you need any tips/insights, feel free to ask me; I'm happy to help.

BUT that doesn't mean I can read your mind. That doesn't mean I notice you're in a bad mood and know immediately why tf that's the case. And most importantly, it doesn't mean I'll make myself vulnerable and expose myself to every damn thing that goes wrong in your life. I love to listen, I love to try and give you advice or spend comfort...but I won't place myself in situations that make me more fucked up than you. I'm no help, then. If you need to talk or need help, just fucking say so instead of blaming me for not knowing the script to your life??

Also for anyone who's curious, this site sums it up pretty well

#nat rambles #hsp things #it was a fun day

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a-friend-of-mara · 2 months

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Hi hello yes

Uhhhh

ALSO TRIGGER WARNING!

Talking bout a bit of abuse stuff and will probably pull up some long dormant frustrations regardless of your stability rating

If you're having a bad day or are "fine" but not fine please scroll by and have a nice day

This is gonna be a little crazy for a sec but please stay with me bc it's worth it

You know how in some games (stardew valley for example) your relationship with a character is measured with a single number, let's call that X bc it's a variable, if [person] likes the thing you did you get +relationship points (higher X value) while doing things theu don't like does the opposite, - relationship points (lower X value)

There's nothing wrong with this is games, in stardew valley it's very simple and does its job well

(I promise I'm building to something)

In games like Fallout New Vegas your reputation with the various factions is represented with two variables, infamy and fame, infamy is gained by doing things the faction disapproves of (stealing, helping their rivals, murdering their members), fame is gained by helping thee faction (doing quests for them, helping them with stuff, etc)

Because the game uses two variables which I'll now refer to as I for imfamy and F for fame, paints a much better picture of your relationship with a group of people, because you can't loose infamy or fame, once you get those points they're there forever

(FNV players I know about the midgame switch, I'm making a point)

If you have very high infamy and no fame they hate your guts

High fame, low infamy, they idolize you

That's how it'd be in most games but if you have high fame and got caught pickpocketing more than a few times then they consider you a "good natured rascal"

Overall a very dynamic system

In reality a lot of people, especially those with abusive tendencies will feel guilty about how they treat others and "make up for it"

No ammout of gifts or "I love yous" can make up for certain things, I won't tell you why but I know firsthand why

If someone in your life upset you then you should allow yourself to be mad at them for as long as you need, if they tell you to get over it then they're just not very mature.

Just because you forgive someone for their actions doesn't mean that you have to forget about them too

Please understand that if this sounds like anything that happened to you in your life, you ARE NOT the problem

If you've done something like that to someone else I need you to think about what happened, because from the other point of view, you're a bomb that goes off every so often and it's best just to avoid it for as much of the day as possible and to brace for impact when it's coming

What the fuck do I mean by that? Let's say most of the times you go near your parent/boss/person with power over you and they yell at you/assign you a task you don't wanna do/anything negative for you

How would you respond?

You avoid them!

For parents who are actually trying, look, parenting is really hard, but please, you're just as human as your kids, remember that just because you've been alive for longer doesn't mean you will always know what's best for them

Also speaking from experience, the two worst things you can do to your kids is to make them think they can't be themselves around you or them fearing you

If you wanna see them again after they graduate high school,

Because IRL there's more variables to a relationship than I can count!

If you think it's just one then you're very wrong and need to have some long talks with the people you care about and maybe a therapist

If you sum it up to two, good stuff and bad stuff, that's better

But

Life isn't a game, as much as I wish it was (fuckin wish I could quicksave/quickload)

You are allowed to fuck up, but if you take nothing away from this, if you hurt someone the best way to deal with it is to admit your mistake and say sorry, it may be hard, they may yell at you, but life is rarely easy, and the things worth doing are rarely easy, you're allowed to make mistakes but please, admit when you're wrong and when the time comes, face the music.

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solstice-sims · 1 year

Note

With the recent negativity in the community, I figured we could use some uplifting. So I’m asking simblr to pick a blog or two, (or more if you want) and say why they inspire you, or what you admire about them. Or simply.. Why you think they’re cool. Whatever your heart desires. Let’s just spread some good. :) ❤️

This ask is super old, but I honestly wanted to put some time into my answer.

Naturally, all of my Sims friends are people that inspire me everyday for their creativity and compassion! @coloursul @fluffsims @ldobmm @moonlightfailz @sofssims @swan-sims These are people I'm blessed with being able to talk to every day, and they're all super cool and fun to be around.

In terms of blogs that inspire me, I'm gonna go way back to middle school for a sec because @csitaly was one of the reasons I started doing Sim photography to begin with. I believe I stumbled upon their DeviantArt back in the day when they did TS2 edits, and then I hopped on the TS2 photography trend. This creator is immensely talented and I always get excited when their work pops up on my feed! Definitely check them out, especially if you like anime.

I LOVE @sikoi's style and sims!! The vibrancy and colors and glowiness of their posts honestly make me happier whenever I see them! They also make super sick look books that are my favorite out of all the look books I've seen. Don't even get me started on the Sim lots they've released because they are too good.

Also, I'm gonna add a 3rd blog because I CAN!!! One of my other favorite aspects of the Sims community and something that originally got me into Sims is machinima! I have a soft spot for Sims voice over series on YT, okay? And one of my long-time favorite machinima creators is @simsberrry! They put so much effort into their machinimas and even make their own animations for it. Please check out their page and their TS4 VO series, The Kenopsia Effect ♥

#replies #asks #simblr #GO FOLLOW THEM ALL NOW!#<3

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toinfinitywinning · 3 months

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How it Began? As a kid, until something bad happens all you know is innocence. Bounce back. Resilience. Words and thoughts your growing mind can’t get its synapses matured yet. And by bad, I mean it rocks you. You’re crying. You’re asking why for the first time poor thing it’s forever; you’re confused. You cannot process the magnitude of the incident and sometimes may even require Counseling to help guide you through it…NVR goes away.

And then.

I mean it’s sad, Right? Being born isn’t your introduction “hey!” realization and rationality Day, it’s your Birth Day. Period. Everyone’s glad you’re here. But you’re not going to know anything for a Long time. Everyone’s with me. Hopefully, b/c I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no babies. And Well, most people R glad you’ve come unless you’re..ok no not that rn.

BUT

First time you are hurt and are able to process and internalize that new feeling it’s like welcome to the jungle we got fun and games! And I remember that moment for me. It wasn’t when I smacked my head and got hit with bats and sliced my fingers open trying to whittle (Dad’s fault) to make a teepee which now I’m not sure should be a thing. Also tried to make a tornado bottle like those science fair ppl had. The ones that won. B/c they actually figured out how to puncture a hole in a plastic 2 liter top without stitches and having to explain what in the Hell you were doing (Heather u said you might be here so I know you’re with the gear Shift trauma rn)

For me until now it’s never been me physically hurt or incapable that’s defeating me—defeating—adjective : defeated—also adjective but untrue. This is different and I hate it b/c of that. I was born with vampire senses at least that’s what vampire diaries says. I feel everything so intensely that often it has trickled over to affecting me physically. I suppose a Good example is a panic attack but I’ve moved onto bigger things. I’ll be one of those ppl on ppl magazine whose ღ ended hearing bad News. This could get dark so I’ll Stop at bad News.

It’s funny -I have all this time. And most of the time I don’t enjoy the time but I’ve thought a lot of that time some about when I was a kid. Just free fallin’. Before I got the anxious bug again I was fine being serendipitous and sporadic. One time I put a Friends name in my calendar even tho I knew I knew the time. That stuff. So back to the carefree kid. Like, 8+ I have to clearest memories. I want to take a sec to say how sad that is!! There is no question that I was the kid with the most bandaids. There are pictures and I Love them. Pain didn’t really bother me. Not like this. And I’ve had a lot of very serious injuries and surgeries. Why can’t I be her?

It’s all about control.

Sometimes staying in a State of any negative, sad emotion or trying time becomes comfortable so it becomes routine. Safe. This can Go downhill quickly. But I promise something from my psych minor talks about this my sister would know. Anyways you gotta get out and can’t.

I was in this State Right before I got sick but I pulled myself out of that creepy Ass Edgar Allen poem pit and swing thing b/c I didn’t like it anymore. But this is a Choice promise. And there’s not statute of limitations on how Long it takes you or if you even get to make a Choice time which is already a Mountain.

I tend to be really open and candid. I would be a horrible Celebrity. First of all they’d only have pictures of me in sweatpants. But the openness isn’t for me or really anybody unless someone does see it and be seen. I never had that. And that’s no one’s fault. We didn’t have Smart phones which ironically give us cancer and often stupidity from the crap you read due to that algorithm. A few people reached out in my DM’s and on posts to just do this I guess and throw in a Basketball time to time.

I was stuck. And I had well…a very eye opening bad experience. I don’t think I’ll ever share that publicly. But I was terrified. Something came over me when I got to my car and it wasn’t a Voice it was a direction. To home. Safety. Familiar. Routine. I knew sooner than immediately that I was done. That’s it. There’s a pattern in this pattern. You see?

So all that is taken care of and now we will work on my eating Disorder. Anorexia, restrictive ED/exercise bulimia and body dysmorphia. You get it. Add this in with Addiction. Talk about stuck. All I can think of to compare it to is that scary book w/ a wizard and a whirlpool and IDEK how it ends but that was always enough for me to be done w/ that story. So, You’re bound to have one after losing 150 lbs over two and a half years and now can see your bones and muscles. Hey you’re confident again Good for you. This will not sustain. You lost weight probably all the wrong ways anyway but it worked. And you’re still in control. Things have changed and u know what to do to keep your skeleton up. One gust of wind or fainting and head stitches again having to hurry and tell your Apple Watch not to call the rescue’s and you’re an inch closer to hospitalization. Doin’ fine.

All I had Left was my eating Disorder to work on and I’d made so much progress. I’ll expand on this but you actually have to eat when you’re sick. I won’t thank COVID-19 for that tho. Sometimes u can follow all the rules and still get *BEEP, explicative!* sooner or later it would have risen. So that infamous Day I’d just finished my hour walk and like had been doing about to eat w/ my Parents. I remember it like it wasn’t a 26 month old toddler Day away. One sniff. Mom -please get COVID tested. I remember being annoyed. B/c I have taken all the precautions. Well so do a lot of people and things still happen OUT of our control. This became the problem. Two saddest things about that next few days is I made my Dad say Shit when I came up positive then gave it to my Mom. I cannot tell you the guilt I would be carrying had this been the other Way around.

I had lived my Addiction free Life and started to heal my ED rest of my Life. For 3 weeks. I felt so light. Felt so free. Brave and proud. More authentic. B/c being stuck and not being able to fix things yourself takes a lot of deleted Pride and bad bad bad experiences apparently. Wakey wakey. Why’s it gotta be that Way? At least it’s the Gentry way. I’d rather not keep that up.

Crushed. Pre healing I couldn’t Exercise for 2-4 hours daily. Wake up at 5 am still kinda dazed and do 100 push-up’s then 10lb weights, several sets. Not one thing from a video or trainer but i can see everything chiseled so gotta be doing something right. Then walk a mile and a half or 10000 steps before you even answer a call at work. All this to have your evening free. To see your ribs and sometimes ✔ the camera Cloud to make sure that 10 pound added weight doesn’t happen. Showering at lunch break. Oh it was a machine. And ppl knew. I’m very aware. I lean toward empathy as well.

I was very very sick. Different sick. And TBH as much of Hell this is and might forever be I’d rather this. Even a broken ღ that was your stupidity and blinders anyway. Although I cannot control this it’s not an intensity of emotion in those skinny Ass bones I can’t turn off anymore. Need size zero and xs. Ghastly. I can answer a question of would you rather in this Case. My ღ literally aches. It’s all of the omnipresent and then some. So intense and relentless. I could change my mind tomorrow. Right now.

This Pain is Physical. Not my fault. Wasn’t abused. Can’t control this either and I’d never wish it on all but one person but idk. I feel things that intensely. I’d be the X-Ray Report that says torn or damaged in about nine places after my ACL tear. The Report was an entire page LOL. That is not common I don’t think. Should’ve just said everything is bad take your 2nd of now Four ambulance trips with your Dad to the ER.

Let me be clear. This is very hard to put into words. It’s less I guess that I wouldn’t barter but sometimes you’re just like please give me that Pain instead, just for a while.

Right now I am comfortable in Pain. Isn’t that pathetic yet tragic? I meannn. Whole body Pain. It’s emotional too trust me but this it takes first. Imagine…the control freak. This is not acute. Feeling without Pain even temporarily is kinda scary and better word unsettling. You want to get better of course but your body has done such a 180 that it becomes what you’re worried about and what makes you nervous. It’s an evil Domino set mouse wheel. Let me also add that long-haul Covid and dysautonomia and pots all of them happened because my body had gotten so healthy again it went in overdrive to try to help me and then couldn’t stop. How nice. Kindly. I’ve learned things about my body and about what people can experience and I didn’t want to. I will never again scoff at someone for saying that they are debilitated because, they are in constant pain or too “tired”... They can’t be safely aware. I’m ashamed I ever thought that about people because there is no take a Tylenol and lay down. There is no taking a nap and you’ll wake up refreshed. That’s all bullshit at this point, and it hurts if you have to ever explain it because you can’t, like so many other things until it happens to you you don’t really know how you feel like a lot of things you can swear that you’ll react one way or the other but when something happens to your kid or someone you love (dare i say abortion as a topic) all the sudden it’s personal and you’re thinking something you never thought you would. Or not. The struggle is actually real.

There is a lot of trauma or some type of PTSD with being this sick for this long as well because you sit comfortably, you know exactly what’s going to happen. If then, then that some of which are terrifying I shake I can’t believe anyone has to deal with this and yet I’m not even one of the most serious cases if you can believe that. Then there’s the Gaslighting. Go to stone ridge and admit yourself for anxiety. NAH. Thankfully all of my docs have been first class with no doors blown off.

I want to say I’ve learned a lesson.. karma. I deserve this. I should’ve seen it coming. Let me be clear again. No one deserves this and yet we’re human and stuff still happens to good and bad people. losing control has been difficult, but I feel like I’ve learned so much about, literal heartache and pain that only someone who was going through the same thing can identify with. there aren’t words. I’m not trying to paint a picture of someone who is on oxygen and dying or taking chemo, but I think that you can hold sadness in several different ways without feeling guilty. you can own What you’re going through. it’s OK to be angry at God at anything and I’ve had to realize that and it’s taken a long time and I think I still am working on it because I think I’m over here. not famished. not taken hostage. not bombed. I have a bed to lay in when I feel bad. U can’t compare things like this and you shouldn’t anyway. I think in doing that it’s never productive anyway. I don’t like being helped which is ironic because I have some co dependencies still and yearning to stay close to what is familiar and home and safe I’ve had to put my or whatever aside and my confidence out the window because yes, you will gain weight not exercising that much but you literally can’t do things at first. I was using a cane to get to the bathroom. I would pant no exaggeration like a dog for at least an hour sometimes after walking 10 feet, ask my mom she was on the couch across from me and we’re both thinking what just happened. or you have to use spoons because you’re shaking so much. Don’t even try a fork w/ rice. or you’re so confused that you always have to have what I would say and interpreter at this point, and praise God that there r doctors surrounding me. I have needed so much help and I think part of accepting help is also allowing someone else to practice stewardship and I think somewhere possibly the Bible at some point you can’t continue to deny someone’s help because they have to have the experience of helping and we both know each feeling. Frankly need it sometimes there are things that not even Gentry will speak of that I’ve gone through but somehow I’m thinking wow Pooh bear was correct. I really am stronger than I seem and I thought that the last time I was in a bad place life is nuts except help, if you don’t have the hope or faith let your family hold it for you. It’s still there. You just can’t get it yet and I cringe to say it, but I have learned so much and whether I heal completely or not writing all this again is therapeutic one, but two when people can identify with someone else, it is a very intimate experience the kind of intensity I feel with everything. I tell people I don’t want to hear ‘you’re going to get better’ because you don’t know that. we can pray for it, but I’ve given prayer a hard time as I’m able to complain, not going to church routinely. Then again going to church is just the building. Sadly tru 4 2 many. a reflection of your yearning for community and a place of hope and routine. we know from the current state in this world that going in a church and coming back out there’s nothing Christian about it, but I’m thankful that I have been held. I’ve even asked. Dad has even had to hang onto me. I’ve been in a wheelchair. I’ve had a bed pan. things that would normally humiliate you. You get humbled immediately. You may have your arms and legs, but there will be times you will need to be pried off the floor, there will be times that your head stays on a cold marble kitchen counter for hours because you don’t have the strength to walk 20 steps to your bed. Covid sucks. it has ruined lives, marriages, people have gone bankrupt. People have died. Mistreated. People have had experiences much worse than mine, and they didn’t deserve it either even if they didn’t take precaution like I did which is part of why I was so frustrated with getting sick. and again i was at that point I had gotten healthy. So ofc, the more prone your body go into hyperdrive. Trying to heal you. and that’s still where I’m at.

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