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steamberrystudio · 4 months

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31/12/2023 Devlog

Hey everyone! Time for the bi-weekly tumblr update for Steamberry stuff! Except I skipped one because I can't remember why.

I half-wrote it but I think I just wasn't feeling up to finishing and posting.

I haven't been doing extremely well health-wise lately but still powering through.

Summary

Finished writing Chapter 5.5 (the new chapter in WSC)

Finished editing Chapters 6, 7, and 8 of Asher's path

Finished all the profiles for the GS lore book

Have started wrapping up the "side stories" and additional content for the GS lore book

Ramble

Okay so in my last update I was in the middle of editing chapter 5 and was nearly to the start of chapter six in editing Asher's route. I finished up chapter 5...

At that point when I was looking ahead, I started feeling like I wanted to add in a transition scene to move between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6.

As I started plotting out this scene, one of my ideas took on a life of its own and I realised that it might be better to interject a new, fleshed out story incident that would allow me to slow the pacing as well as flesh out the setting and universe a little more. This incident would also let me tie into some earlier events and connect them to something that occurs in chapter 6, also foreshadowing the chapter 6 incident.

Ultimately, this became too much to call a "scene" and I decided to branch it off into a supplementary chapter (IE a chapter a bit shorter than the others and meant to be released along with another chapter.)

Then that chapter ended up being 30,000 words.

So that happened.

After finishing that I went on to finish editing chapters 6, 7, and 8. I am currently on chapter 9. I only have a few more chapters before I'm finished editing Asher's path. As always, during my edits, one of the main things I do is flesh things out.

So obviously the word count has grown from that (and, you know, the 30k extra chapter I invented).

Currently the word count is 468,000 words.

Other Stuff:

I have received several new BGs and a new BG sketch. BGs are continuing to come in at a fairly steady pace.

I now have all the BGs for The Ophelia and the artists are working on other locations finally. OwO

I've also been, here and there, doing small tweaks to the sprites, small additions and fixes.

Gilded Shadows:

As I mentioned, I finally got through all the character profiles. There are so many more characters than I remembered in this game.

Then I got halfway through and realised that I forgot five. And had to insert them, which...meant rearranging pages, which is a pain in the butt. However, that is now complete.

What I'm working on now is finishing up some of the short stories and drabbles I have planned or partially written out and getting them into the lore book.

As well as gathering any other content. The lore book is currently about 350 pages. And I am really hoping to wrap it up soon.

Upcoming Weeks:

Next couple of weeks I will be trying to wrap up the lore book and wrap up editing Asher's Path.

When I finish editing Asher's path I'll be moving on to finish drafting the end sequences for the four remaining characters. I'm starting to have an idea of where the word count is going to end up but will have a better idea for sure when Asher's edit is complete.

I have written over 100,000 words since mid-August, just plugging away and trying to hit at least 1000 words a day.

I hit my year end word count goal of 466,000 words for When Stars Collide but unfortunately did not finish the draft because the draft has grown in size.

But I am really hoping to finish it early next year so we can fully move into phase 2 of When Stars Collide.

I am also hoping to get the final KS stuff resolved for Gilded Shadows early next year as well (the lore book, art book, and some residual art and stuff).

For now, I shall just keep plucking away at it until it's all done.

And that is all for now. I will see you all next year.

#gilded shadows #whenstarscollide #amare game #indie otome game #updates #devlog

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ahgasegotarmy116 · 6 months

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Just Us | Choi Yeonjun One Shot

Summary: Yeonjun wants you to notice him but you think you're just his Noona Pairing: Noona reader x Yeonjun f2l Word Count: 3.7k Warnings: No real warnings just cute needy flirty Yeonjun. a/n: Okay I'm so so sorry to my adorable anon that sent me this request a few weeks ago. Life has gotten hectic but I made this one a little longer as an apology :( I hope you like it! Also barely edited but I just wanted to get it out asap!

"Y/n, come over here, I want to show you something" Yeonjun says, calling out my name from across the room. We're at our friend's house just wasting the day away today, trying to stay out of the cold. "What's up?" I ask, sitting down next to him on the couch and looking at his phone screen. "There's a big winter festival coming up a couple towns over, look they have ice skating and holiday foods and even some vendors selling some of the cute figurines you like" he says flipping through the post and pointing out every little thing, hoping to entice me.

"Oh wow that looks so cute! Hey guys look, Yeonjun found a cute festival for us to go to!" I say excited at the thought of all of us going together. "That looks so fun!" Kai says. "Let's for sure all go!" Beomgyu chimes in. "I'm down" Taehyun agrees. "Well if all of you are going I guess I've gotta come too" Soobin laughs. "Oh, um yeah let's all go" Yeonjun says, looking like he's lost all the enthusiasm he had moments ago.

"Is everything alright?" I ask turning my attention back to him, leaving the excited chatter to the rest of the guys. "Yeah, no I'm fine don't worry about it" he says giving me a sideways smile. "I think I'm gonna head out guys" he says getting up from the couch and straightening out his clothes. "Wait really?" the guys ask and I look up at him confused. "Yeah I've got a final tomorrow so I've gotta get back to studying. "Oh I forgot about that! Would you mind if we studied together?" I ask looking up at him, now having his attention. "Sure" he replies and waits for me to grab my stuff.

"You guys gonna be okay? It's coming down really hard out there" Soobin asks taking a look outside the window, seeing how much snow has fallen since we last checked. "We'll be fine don't worry. My dorm is just down the street so it'll only take us a few minutes to get there. You're okay if we study at my place right?" I ask looking up at him. "Oh I'm more than okay with that" he responds with a mischievous glint in his eye. "Okay..." I respond dragging out the last syllable not really understanding his response.

"We'll see you later guys" I say after Yeonjun helped me put my coat on. "Let me take your bag" he says and takes it from me. "No Yeonjun that's heavy" I say trying to get ahold of the bag full of books I had just bought before I came here, not bothering to make an extra stop to drop them off at home. "And that's exactly why I should be carrying it. But if it makes you feel any better you could hold my hand to help guide me. It'll be difficult for me to make sure your books stay dry as well as making sure to watch my step" he says taking a hold of my hand after we walk out the door.

"How does that even make sense?" I question, not really understanding his logic. "Do you want both me and your books to fall and get all wet from the snow?" he asks tilting his head to look at me. "Well, no" I say with my brows still scrunched together in confusion. "Then just hold my hand and lead the way" he says now opting to lace our fingers together instead of just holding it. I look up questioning him yet again. "So it's easier to hold onto" he says raising a brow at me and opts to take charge and head towards my dorm room with me now trailing behind him before he slows down a bit allowing me the opportunity to fall in step with him.

"So where should we start? Have you already studied a bit or are you starting off fresh?" I ask as I clear off some extra space on my desk for him to work on. "I've been looking at it off and on but I'm good to start wherever you want" he says sitting down next to me while also scooting a bit closer. He sees how I nonverbally question his proximity and laughs a bit at my slightly stiffened posture. "I left my textbook at home so..." he says trailing off looking at me apologetically. "Well I was the one who suggested studying here so that's okay" I say now understanding his motives and scooting the book over so we can share it.

We study for a bit and I feel his place his arm around the back of my chair but decide not to mention it this time but a few minutes later he starts to lean closer and so I finally break off my sentence to scold him. "Are you even listening to me?" I ask turning to look at him, his face looking like a deer caught in the headlights. "Of course, it's just hard to see the fine print so I wanted to scoot in a bit closer" he says now purposefully cuddling in close and resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Yeonjun you know I hate physical touch right?" I say feeling a bit uncomfortable at the suddenly cozy atmosphere created because of him. "But you don't hate it with me right? We're best friends, plus your room is freezing" he says now shivering a bit. "Really? I was thinking it was getting pretty warm in here" I say before he turns my computer chair around and leads me over to my bed. "Let's just relax for a while. We deserve a break" he says and brings my laptop over with us so we can, what I assume is watch a movie of some sort.

"It's barely been 45 minutes" I say standing next to the bed with my arms crossed, not amused with his distractions, but he'll hear none of it. "Come on let's watch a Christmas movie together, we haven't gotten a chance to do that yet" he whines, scrolling through the list of movies they have. "We just watched a movie with the guys like two hours ago" I say raising an eyebrow at him, thinking he should probably get check for some sort of short term memory loss.

"Yeah but we haven't gotten the chance to do it, with just the two of us. I want to watch a movie with my best friend, what's the harm in that?" he says pleading with me and giving me those puppy dog eyes that honestly I can hardly resist sometimes. "Fine, but just one!" I say setting the ground rules "We still need to make sure to get at least an hour or two of studying in, otherwise I'll just kick you out right now. Deal?" I question holding out my hand for him to shake. "Deal" he says and takes my hand, using it to pull me onto the bed with him and wraps his arm around me when I finally settle into place.

"What are you doing?" I say sitting up to look at him properly. "What? I'm cold" he says, now confused with my behavior. "I have more blankets" I say standing up to walk towards the basket full of them and hand him one. "That's still not warm enough" he complains, he's not usually like this I think to myself so I decide to place the back of my hand on his forehead. "What are you doing?" he says laughing at my face scrunched in concentration for a moment. "Checking to see if you have a fever, but it looks like you're fine" I say. pulling my hand away, intending to grab my thermometer.

"Where are you going" he whines, watching me walk over to the bathroom, dragging out the last syllable. "I'm going to take your temperature just in case you're actually sick and could possibly be contagious" I say, soon returning with said thermometer. "You sai-" he starts but I place it under his tongue before he tries to continue and he automatically closes him mouth around it, preventing the possibility of making him gag.

"Put that under your tongue" I order, hoping to get a clear reading on the first try. "I kno-" "And stop talking or we'll have to do it again" I order and he quiets at that, hoping to get back to picking out a movie for us. Once the thermometer beeps I pull it out and it shows me that he's actually a few degrees colder than the typical 98.6. I turn it towards him to show him and he looks up at me with an almost triumphant gaze, "Told you I was cold" and he again ends up pulling me in by my wrist now causing me to fall into his chest.

"Oops, my bad" he says before I can look back up at him, losing my patience more and more. I lean back intending to scold him but get surprised at how close he is to me, feeling a sudden intimate tension growing behind his eyes. "Y/n" he says in a low tone, his eyes flickering down to my lips for a second. "F-fine let's just watch a movie" I say instantly pulling back halfway through my sentence and take that opportunity to quickly sit next to him.

He clears his throat and I glance over and see him offering to share the blanket with me and I just end up taking it, hoping to avoid any other conflicts. "You wanna watch this one?" he ask, selecting a random one that I don't really care to comment on, hoping we can just start the movie to dissolve any weirdness that was just created. He thankfully starts it off without another word and we both keep our eyes somewhat trained on the screen though out half of it, not really saying much before he starts to comment on how cheesy the romance is.

"Oh come on, who still uses that stupid yawn trick to just put your arm around the girl. Like..." he say but trails off as he demonstrates it, letting out an exaggerated yawn and stretches his arms out and lands one right behind me, yet again holding me close to him. "Yeah it's pretty stupid" I say and wait for him to bring his arm back over to his side but he makes no moves to do so and simply goes back to watching the movie.

"Yeonjun?" I question trying to get his attention. "Huh?" he lets out, barely sparing me a glance "Aren't you gonna?" I question motioning to the hand he's placed lightly on my shoulder. "What? It's comfortable" he says and pays no mind to how awkward I feel. I decide to ultimately just deal with it and focus on the movie as much as possible and I soon get lost in it, not noticing the fact that I start to lean into him a bit more, subconsciously feeling more comfortable being in his embrace.

As the movie wraps up I get a little emotional seeing how the characters ended up together after all that they went through to get there and Yeonjun starts to notice my sniffles. "Hey, are you okay?" he says now leaning forward and angling his face down a little bit to try and catch my gaze.

"Yeah" I say between the sniffles that have started to get a little worse. "Come here" he says and pulls me in for an embrace that I surprisingly don't hate this time. he ends up scooting us both down a bit so we're now fully laying down and I hide my face in his chest to avoid him seeing the tears.

"You feeling a bit better?" he questions, continuing to rub my back. The times when I'm upset are when I don't really mind being held like this, and he's been there to comfort me a few times so this is somewhat normal for us. I nod my head but refuse to bring my face back up, knowing how swollen my eyes are gonna be. "Did something happen?" he questions, hoping to know what it really was that I was crying about. "Nothing really, school has just been really stressful these days" I say while trying to steady my breathing.

"But you're one of the smartest people I know" he says, confused as to what might be bothering me. "Really? Then why is it that I've had to take a class that I was meant to complete in freshmen year three times? Like do you know how embarrassing that is?" I say, getting frustrated with myself. "That's a really hard class though" he says trying to make me feel a bit better.

"But you're a freshman and you're doing even better than I am" I say, embarrassed that as a Junior I'm having to ask him to study with me and explain things to me that I don't understand, which is a lot. "I like helping you though" he says and I decide to sit up now, feeling too upset to try to relax anymore.

"But you shouldn't have to, I should've gotten this down already, It's required for my major and I have to pass it this time or it could push back my graduation date and-" "Noona" he interrupts, catching me off guard at how he's almost scolded me with what is meant to be a term of respect. "I thought I told you not to call me that" I say feeling a bit breathless, knowing how much that term affects me. "I don't care, I just know that that's what get's you to shut up for a bit so let me just say this. You are incredibly smart and strong and I respect you so much, and it makes me sad seeing how much you beat yourself up about every little thing. Plus I hate it when you cry, but you always look so pretty when you do" he says tucking a strand of hair behind my ear making my breath hitch.

"I- what?" I say somehow flustered by his simple words. "I said, you look so pretty when you cry Noona" he says now bringing a hand up to caress my face and brushes away a tear. He takes that time to glance down at my lips again and I notice how close he's already gotten to me and I take in a sharp breath as he leans in closer but he stops right before our lips can touch. "I won't do it if you don't want me to" he whispers, warm breath fanning my face almost ghosting his lips over mine. I take a second to think and he says in place and waits for my move but as I decide to lean in a bit he leans back.

"Words Noona" he says in a deeper voice, laced with a hint of dominance that catches me off guard. "I want you to" I reply softly and he takes that as a green light and leans in to kiss me before I have the chance to change my mind. It's nothing rushed or forceful but it's a kiss that full of longing, a kiss that feels like it should've happened long ago. We lock our lips together for what feels like only moments and before I can start to move my lips against his he pulls away. I lean in, almost chasing his lips which leaves him smiling against mine.

"What are you doing?" I whisper, confused as to why he's stopped. "Just checking to see how much you want this" he says and before I have a chance to answer he connects our lips again, now moving his against mine, still not forceful but a bit deeper, showing a touch of urgency to keep going. He lies back down but makes it a point to keep his hand on the nape of my neck, pulling me back down with him, giving me the option to pull away when I want to.

He does however trail his hand down my waist past my hip and brings one of my thighs over helping me straddle him which I surprisingly go along with leaving me to be the one wanting to deepen the kiss, me the one full of longing, longing for him.

"Hey y/n come here!" Beomgyu calls over to me, wanting me to come see the different wood carvings they have but before I'm able to leave I feel Yeonjun taking hold of my hand, again lacing our fingers together. "What are you doing?" I question, clearly having shown interest in joining Beomgyu. "Stay with me I want to show you the stall with the little glass figurines I pointed out to you before" he says dragging me along down the path. I look over at Beomgyu with an apologetic smile and follow Yeonjun.

"You could've just showed me afterwards" I say shaking my head at his almost possessive nature. "We were already over here" he says, making excuses for his behavior but I follow him none the less, not wanting to give him an opportunity to pout. Once we do reach the stall though I am blown away by all the cute glass animals. I walk further into the stall and give a shallow bow to the stall owner and go up to their table to take a closer look.

"These are beautiful" I say looking over them, taking an interest in the koi fish, seeing although an inanimate object how much life and movement was breathed into it. I take a look at the price and see that it's a little out of my price range and place it back looking to opt for a smaller version which I do but instead of a koi I go with a fox. I bow thanking the stall keeper and soon make my way onto the next one with Yeonjun trailing behind me trying to catch up.

"What took you so long?" I question watching him jog up to me. "I got stuck looking at some of the knives down there" he explains. "You could've stopped me so we could look together" I say tilting my head, confused by his actions. "No it's okay it looked like you had your eye on something else so I didn't want to interrupt you" I look down at the bag he's now carrying looking somewhat suspicious. "That's a pretty big box for a knife" I comment, narrowing my eyes at him, knowing he probably got me that koi fish, thinking I wouldn't notice. "It came with the supplies to clean it as well" he says and quickly grabs my hand and leads us further along to look at the other venders making a loop around until we reach the last stall, the one that Beomgyu had called me over to.

"Took you long enough" he says, standing up from a nearby bench. "Yeonjun wanted to check out a few more stalls over there, sorry" I say before walking closer to the stall with Yeonjun just a step behind me still having a hold on my hand. "Oh" I hear Beomgyu say. "Huh?" I respond to his sudden voice of confusion. "Oh nothing I just remembered I was going to meet Taehyun by the food stalls. You guys want anything?" he asks making eye contact with the both of us. "Nah that's okay we'll go later" Yeonjun answers for the both of us which I decide to go along with. "Alright" he says making an interesting face at Yeonjun before scurrying off to meet up with Taehyun.

"You've been acting weird with all of the guys today" I say turning to face him fully. "What do you mean?" he questions still watching Beomgyu to almost make sure that he's actually leaving. "I mean you've been trying to keep me away from them all day. I have hardly spoken a word to any of them" I say waiting for an explanation. "You wanna know why?" he says making purposeful eye contact with me to which I just nod my head and keep that same eye contact but suddenly for a different reason. He leans down a bit and brings his face closer to mine like he had done a few days ago in my room and I feel like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs.

"Because this was supposed to be a date before you invited everyone else to come" he whispers, glancing down at my lips for only a second before bringing them back to my eyes, regaining that shared stare. "Oh..." I trail off, now realizing why he reacted the way that he did that day. "Yeah, so you're gonna stick by me Noona because I don't want you to go around flirting with them right in front of me anymore" he says now coming in closer and nudging his nose against mine, not really kissing me but close enough to be able to. "I don't flirt with them" I say scrunching my eyebrows at him in defense.

"Sure, let's say that" he says and places a quick kiss on my lips that's gone before I can even register it, leaving me having to rush after him as he walks away so I don't get lost. "We're not dating you know" I say pouting when I reach him. "I know" he says and continues to make his way towards the food stalls. "So you can't keep kissing me like we are" I say confused as to why I should have to explain it to him then. "It's practice" he says plainly. "Practice for what?" I say even more puzzled.

"For when I ask you to be my girlfriend" he says and runs away now really making me run after him. "Choi Yeonjun get back here" and all that can be heard is his mischievous laughter and for some reason I can't help but laugh right along with him, nervous for when that day might come.

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mymistakewriting · 1 month

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Diaz Family Dynamics

This comes with the standard warnings of 'hey if you think I'm bashing this character, I'm not' and 'if you don't like my content, you don't have to interact with it because I ain't fighting with people over opinions'. With a single exception. I am absolutely bashing Helena and Ramon Diaz. They're terrible parents and even worse people. my asks are open for questions or conversations!

I also have other thoughts about Eddie, including things involving him and Shannon, and more things about him and his sisters, his traumas, etc. However, I think this post is a little too heavy to share all of those. If you're interested in any of them, let me know. I'll do a separate post for them later regardless, but I'd love to see what people are interested in hearing about.

Trigger warnings: PTSD, talk of child neglect & abuse. It's Eddie Diaz and his family, that's it's own warning.

Let's get the hard stuff out of the way first, shall we? As someone who's been in shoes similar to Eddie and Maddie as oldest sibling who's had to step up and be a parent to their younger siblings, there is no situation where a child is raising another child and it's not because the actual parents are neglectful at best and abusive at worst. The Diaz parents are both. And it's exactly the way you'd think. Helena is shown to be verbally and emotionally abusive to Eddie in the flashbacks we're given during Eddie Begins. She sits back and watches her son, who's a newly single father and still healing from injuries he gained in a war that he ran to in part because of his parents struggle with multiple jobs at once, doctors appointments for himself AND his son, and did nothing to help. Instead, she used the fact that he was struggling as an excuse to ask for custody of Christopher. And considering Eddie grew up with that same style of abuse, that he shielded his sisters from receiving it, too? Yeah, I hope she burns in Hell for it.

And Ramon. Oh, Ramon. He's equally shitty to Eddie when it comes to verbal abuse. He abandoned the family (for work, yes, but what decent father looks at their 10 year old son and tells them it's time to 'man up'?). And no one has a fight style scrappy enough for genuine street fighting, the way Eddie's got, unless it was learned originally in self defense and then refined later on with actual lessons. I'd put money on Ramon having laid hands on Eddie a time or two before he got big enough to fight back. I've seen it, I grew up with kids who have that exact fighting style and that's what it was from. And the way he never turns his back on his father when they do interact? It's a survivor's skill that you learn the hard way.

Also? All of Eddie's doubts about him being a good dad? His worries that he's fucking Christopher up when he's given everything he's got for his son? Those come from his parents, too. He's always tried to make sure he wasn't like either of his parents, but those doubts don't leave very easily when you've spent your whole life not knowing anything else. Helena definitely drilled it in the entire time after Eddie came home from overseas that what he was doing for Christopher's sake wasn't enough. That he wasn't a good enough parent.

I'm also entirely sure that Eddie's lack of skill in cooking stems in part from his childhood. He was the oldest sibling of three, and he was helping raise his sisters. He probably tried to learn to cook by the time he was 12 for their sake but was told no by his mother. They're a Southern family, do you know how much time some boys are allowed to spend in the kitchen when there's daughters around to learn to cook instead? Sure isn't enough to learn anything. And I 100% believe Helena just refused to teach him. He learned how to cook eggs when he was 12, but no one ever taught him anything else until after he moved to LA, where Pepa and Isabel stepped in and tried to teach him. But it's harder to learn to cook in your late 20s when you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders already than it would be when you're a kid. It's just an unfortunate fact that some aspects of toxic masculinity like that are furthered by the mothers here in the American South. Sometimes.

Additionally, Eddie's never considered that he could be anything other than straight (I think he's bisexual but demiromantic, but that's just a headcanon). Again. Welcome to the South. He grew up Catholic. No way in Hell that Ramon didn't threaten to 'beat the gay out of him' the first time he was overheard jokingly flirting with a friend in high school. More families are like that down here than I want to admit. My own included. Just look how quickly Eddie's communication style changes when he realizes something sounds flirty. All those times he's jokingly said something to Buck and then went too serious directly after for no discernible reason? Bet you anything it's that.

He didn't leave despite hating staying with his parents after Shannon left not because he couldn't (Pepa or Isabel would've let them stay until he got a place, I'm sure that's what happened anyway because he packed them up and left on a dime anyway) because he had to make sure his sisters were out of his parents' home first. He'd rather suffer than leave them unprotected from it all.

All three Diaz siblings went no contact eventually. Then Eddie switched to limited contact because he thought Christopher deserved to know his living grandparents after Shannon's death. The only time they all show up is when it's required (like at Ramon's retirement party).

And final comment involving the Diaz parents: Eddie never wanted to marry Shannon. Another unfortunate tradition here in the South that still happens (less frequently, but happens): sometimes the parents force a marriage in the case of an unplanned pregnancy. We've had several in my family. Eddie loved Shannon, yes. But he never would have married her on his own. His parents forced it as soon as they found out Shannon was pregnant. It's part of why their marriage was so toxic, I think.

#kieran talks #911 #eddie diaz #not writing #tw: mentions of abuse #tw: ptsd #helena and ramon diaz can suffer imo #them and the buckley parents deserve pain and nothing else #those are my thoughts and no one can convince me otherwise #also ignore any misspellings or bad grammar its 3 am for me as I post this

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kingofthewilderwest · 2 years

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Hey, just saw your ffnet post! While it's totally fair of you to not want to put your works on Ao3, I'd ask you to consider it. I've read a lot of fics, many that are years old, many that might be considered "cringey" or "bad", and many that had barely any views, and they all brought me joy. There's a special kind of grief I feel when I see that a fic has been taken down and deleted.

I do understand not wanting to upload this content as if it's what you're currently writing; Ao3 does allow you to backdate your works, so it wouldn't show up as recent but could have the original posting date. You could also consider setting up a pseud account on ao3, which allows it to be attached to your main but not explicitly your main, and have a note that this is a work that you're archiving from ffnet. It's kind of like having a sideblog on tumblr, except the links work better.

You don't need to decide right away; the "ffnet is going down" panic sweeps tumblr every few months and you likely have some time to figure out what you'd like to do. I just thought I'd reach out and share my thoughts. Your work is absolutely worth saving and sharing, in whatever capacity you're comfortable with, and I respect whatever decision you choose, but would also like to encourage you to be open to preserving your works for people to find and enjoy. You never know how much joy you could bring, even just to one person who finds your fics in the future.

Thanks for the message, I appreciate it and everything you've clarified here. Like seriously, thanks. I'm going to keep vomiting out words as I think "aloud", responding to what you've said, because you've helped me.

It's fascinating, because I am a hardcore preservationist who can't get rid of a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to save my life. I'm similarly bummed when people delete even the most minor things online. And I have no sense of personal cringe. I'll always cherish what projects I've done.

You'd think this would be an easy decision given my values.

The challenge with me here is that publicly posting fics online is more about preserving for others as versus preserving for myself, and I'm trying to decide if I feel comfortable putting my stuff up again for other eyes in any capacity. I'm glad people have gotten joy out of my fics and it does help me think this over more, though I'll admit I've always felt out of sorts, nakedly exposed, having my writing online (even though I wrote and finished fics FOR that Sense Of Others, a sense of obligation and promise, rather than for myself). Ficwriters post about the excitement of getting notifications, whereas for me, it meant going through anxiety every time. XD (but thanks to everyone who wrote the kind words!!! they did make me happy once I got through opening the notification. your kindness is why I wrote. and I am touched when there's the rare comment from 2022 that pops through.)

I realize this frames the situation as more "me-centric" than "giving others joy-centric." I don't want to come off as dismissive of others finding joy, because that's important. The smallest things can be the brightest. My mind has just moved on so much from my fics that I think in terms of "How can I give someone joy today?" in new ways. But you are framing it in terms of people getting new joy. So. That's a good point to mull over.

I've never gotten an account on AO3, so I won't need to think about making the "sideblog"-esque account (though that's fascinating to know about!!! that's cool! you go AO3 for being awesome). But GOSH your response being thorough has been the bestest thing, because I've never known about the backdating, either. That makes it more likely I'd consider moving fics onto AO3, because even writing a "hey this is old" in front of a reupload onto a new site still puts it as "new" in the feed and that makes me uncomfortable. Just quietly shifting it to 2014 when it was written feels more fitting.

I was definitely wondering how this current sweep of "FFN going down" was different than the ramblings that have been going on for years. I've seen recent posts talking about how FFN might not have been updated for one or two years, and that's the most explicit I've gotten. I've recently seen some posts say "just in case," which is more of what I thought it'd logically be. I tend to not believe "FFN is going down" posts because they're just people hashing out what they've said for years, and I want better proof. They're right the site is falling, but yeah. But since these "ending" comments have been particularly widespread all at once, I figure, "Eh, only takes a few minutes, better safe than sorry." But it's good to know your impression of the situation is similar to mine, and that this isn't something I have to resolve anytime soon.

#long post #creative writing #fanfiction #my fanfiction #ask #ask me #theshadowedqueen82 #FFN #ffnet

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multiplicity-positivity · 2 months

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HI i'm so sorry if this ask is a mess but um! I recently discovered I might be a subsystem host (ON TOP of being the regular system host which I'm fine with I found that out like almost two years ago and I'm basically cool with that now), and I've been kind of freaking out about it since okay! Okay! There's a layer of complexity basically right underneath my nose! How am I supposed to handle this?

Even worse is the intrusive thoughts of "I want to lock this stuff away and NOT deal with this" but I know that's like. Really bad and not conducive to recovery as well as being extremely unfair since the people in the subsystem have the right to exist and live life.

And like. I know that once I just accept this and learn how to communicate with the possible people in the subsystem, it'll be relatively okay I think. The problems are just: How do I communicate with people in the subsystem or know who's in it and how do I get rid of the thoughts of wanting to run away as fast as I can because I KNOW those thoughts are unfair but it feels like instinct to want to run or repress even though I would never act on that.

I think the first step might be to at least make the folder on our SimplyPlural for the possible subsystem. But even just that feels so overwhelming, especially with the fear that I'm wrong and overreacting or misinterpreting the situation.

Anyways! Sorry this ask was a mess, and thank you for even just reading my messy thoughts; advice is appreciated, but you don't need to reply if you don't feel comfortable.

hey, we’re sorry to hear you’re having trouble making sense of this complicated situation. we also have a subsystem, and for the subsystem host (main fronter?) it’s been a bit of a messy, confusing, sometimes frustrating journey.

as per usual, if you’re not in therapy and are still quite distressed by this, finding a therapist could be a great way to get an expert opinion and generally just talk things through/vent about your feelings in a safe space. therapy has been super helpful for our whole system, including our subsystem. they still have a long ways to go in terms of lowering barriers between each other/building communication, but therapy has helped them achieve the progress they’ve made so far. we know not everyone wants/can access therapy, but we feel it’s worth suggesting.

outside of that, to us it sounds like you’re on the right track. good things can come from fighting those knee-jerk reactions of “i’ve gotta bury this/push this down/ignore this” and taking baby steps to get to know your subsystem. making simplyplural entries for your subsystem’s members (or potential members) sounds like a great idea.

when it comes to how to fight those thoughts of wanting to hide/flee from this… we’d recommend allowing yourself to think your thoughts, to feel the emotions that come with them fully, and just sit with it a while, without acting. it can be hard to control or change emotions and thought patterns; we’ve found that for us, instead of attempting to control our thoughts, trying to control our reactions to those thoughts can be much more productive.

you don’t have to (and honestly shouldn’t!) push yourself here. when you’re feeling lost, scared, and overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a step back or avoid thinking about your subsystem-mates for a while. slow and steady wins the race, and the more you prioritize your own health and safety, the better things could turn out for your whole system and subsystem. when you’re feeling up to it, our post on establishing contact with headmates might help you reach out to the members of your subsystem.

if it turns out you’re wrong, overreacting, or misinterpreting something… that’s okay too. you’re not doing anything harmful to yourself by trying to explore this aspect of yourself and your system. if you find out you’re not actually a subsystem, we promise that’s okay. the work you’ve done to try and get to know yourself is still important, and you’re still valued and important as you are. people are wrong about aspects of their own identities all the time - it’s part of learning, growing, and discovering ourselves.

we hope this response can (at least somewhat) put your mind at ease and help you come to a bit more of an understanding about yourself and your subsystem. if not, we’re sorry we couldn’t have been of more assistance. we’re wishing you hope, understanding, and inner peace as you walk this path. thanks for reaching out, and best of luck to you!

#subsystem #internal communication #long post

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maryellencarter · 1 year

Text

So I've been tussling with how to write this post for some time now.

Uh, the background good news first? I appear to have worked almost an entire pay period and also March is a three paycheck month, so I'm making some very solid progress on getting caught up on my bills, and it seems like this might even continue. I know I tend to be more optimistic than is usually warranted, but 70 hours in my time clock when working all my scheduled hours would put me at 72 is pretty damn impressive, especially compared to how I've been doing for a really long time.

So then I was poking around and trying to figure out what one even does with disposable income. I've been going to a knitting group at a local yarn shop recently (I forget if I mentioned here but a friend was able to get me some KN95 masks and some helpful information about transmission rates so I can socialize safely again! This is probably a big factor in me being less depressed and more worky again also), but I don't really enjoy owning yarn I don't have A Plan for, so right now I've got a cable sweater for Leia, a fancy silk lace scarf, a puffy hexagon blanket, and a crochet baby blanket going, and I just really don't want any more yarn until I finish with one or two of these projects.

Recently, though, as y'all have probably seen, there was an announcement going around about the American Girl doll brand announcing a pair of 1999-themed Historical Character dolls. Because Tumblr is the "we are getting old" website at this point, there were Noises. (They have a Pizza Hut "Book-It" reading program playset. I have never been smacked in the face with nostalgia so hard in my entire life.)

As some of y'all may also remember, I used to have a whole collection of American Girl dolls and furniture and whatnot, because I was trying to do the whole "believe you can be safe and stable now and have the things you were never allowed to have as a kid" thing with a reasonable part of the money I'd inherited from my then recently deceased grandmother (a lovely human being, and by extreme genetic good luck the relative I take after physically, so that I don't have to deal with the whole "growing up to look exactly like my abuser" thing that some people have to suffer through). Then the 2016 election happened, I had a horrible depressive spiral, was unable to work, sold 90% of my collection to pay the rent, eventually became homeless anyway, and lost the other 10% by trusting the wrong person to keep my stuff safe when I had no other options.

ANYWAY! Not the point. The point is that I started poking my nose back into the American Girl website, and then the wiki in order to try to figure out what all I'd missed, and I'm kind of being like "hey, I could hypothetically afford some of this stuff again now".

(I personally find it hilarious that the brand is trying to walk a line between "Addressing trans and nonbinary identities in our helpful book on puberty for preteens? Sure, we'll do that, we're progressive! Also did you say Harry Potter collaboration? That's a license to basically print money from customers who are nostalgic for the same era we were most popular in, let's do this", which is exactly the kind of seesawing I expect from Disney -- who owns American Girl via Mattel.)

So *anyway*, and this is the part of this post I'm really struggling with: I also used to be heavily involved in the part of the American Girl adult collectors fandom that describes itself as "queer-friendly and socially conscious". That part of the fandom runs the wiki (which is an extremely useful and well-constructed resource). I don't know who-all from those days may still follow me on Tumblr, and I'm actually not looking to cause drama, just sort of thinking out loud as I so often do on the tunglrs, but after five years away from the fandom and having poked my nose back in, I'm running into a royal shitton of memories (and a little new information) that's making me go "Holy fuck, this place was *incredibly* toxic, no wonder I got utterly burned out on trying to interact with the dolls and items the way they demanded everybody should. No wonder I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells to even say anything or post a picture related to this fandom."

So. Let's be real. I'm saying "the way they demanded". It's one person, backed up by other mods who don't create their own separate demands. This particular section of the fandom is ruled with an iron fist by one self-described Angry Black Woman who... the very kindest way I can find to describe it is, she's a walking talking demonstration of how you cannot create a single safe space that's safe for everyone. I made a post several years ago that went a little bit viral, where I pointed out that being uncomfortable with a very verbally aggressive black authority figure can actually be because of the "very verbally aggressive authority figure" part, say if you're a survivor of emotional abuse *koff koff*, and doesn't have to mean you're "uncomfortable with black anger" Because You're Racist. That post was a direct reaction to multiple instances of seeing this person tell people "you're pushing back against me being verbally abusive, that's a racist action on your part".

That's the kindest, most nonconfrontational way I can come up with to talk about the situation. Less tactfully, after going to look over the forum rules for this subsection of the fandom -- hoping to realize I'd just been an extremely sensitive tortellini at the time and they weren't that bad, because I know I was an extremely sensitive tortellini in other matters -- in actual fact, I've been reminded very loudly that these rules are a 13k essay on topics such as You Must Be Okay With Verbal/Emotional Abuse If It's Directed At You By People Of Color, All Cultures Of Color Are Closed Cultures Now (So Don't You Dare Put This Black Doll's Clothes On Any Other Doll), and the real kicker for me, Only Selected Queer Identities Are Suitable For Public Discussion (subsection We're Redefining Queerness To Exclude Polyamory, new since I was last here, with sub-subsection Oops We Didn't Mean To Exclude Asexuals Only Those Icky Cishets, and fun guessing game Are We Excluding Aromantics Or Did We Just Forget They Exist, Ask And See If You Get Banned).

I... genuinely didn't mean to go on that long. But this is exactly why I'm making this post. Because I have a *lot* of trauma from trying to figure out what's actually racist or offensive and what's not, while being in a community where anything the main mod doesn't like can suddenly be declared an offense against social justice, and if you ever step on her toes, you're likely to be relegated to the ranks of the damned (aka the white Christian mommybloggers who own more than six white dolls or less than 50% dolls of color). And as probably all of you know, I do a lot of thinking out loud about trauma. Which is a PROBLEM, because this person definitely still follows me here (I don't know who else from the fandom does), and Tumblr blocks don't keep people from seeing your posts, only interacting with them.

So. Uh. There's probably going to be... more of this. I'm making this post now because I'm almost done sewing a doll skirt, I want to show it off here, and I'm also having a really nasty anxiety attack over how this person is definitely going to metaphorically rip it to shreds in the dedicated forum thread for mocking homemade doll clothes (mostly from Etsy) that don't live up to her exacting standards of Historically Accurate Doll Costuming. (The skirt is gathered instead of using 1800s-style "cartridge pleats"! The horror!)

Yeah. So. Um. I guess... if you follow me from when I was last in AG doll fandom, here's where I stand, at least right now. I'm not going to name any names, but you likely know who I'm talking about. I'm not going to go after anybody or cause trouble on their blog, but I'm not going to pull any punches when I'm talking about the ways they and their policies have made me feel unsafe in the fandom. And I'm not going to follow their byzantine rules based on the concept that a single doll can only have one ethnicity and one backstory. A doll, in its essence, is a shapeshifter the way a character actor is a shapeshifter, and not all of us want to create 50+ fixed individual characters that can't wear each other's clothes.

If you can't live with any of that, feel free to go commiserate with each other. I'm not planning to go back to the forum, so don't worry that I'll see anything you say there. (I'm not even planning to publish the rules publicly, since they're not viewable when logged out, although they are a trip and a half to read without the context of the dramas that shaped them.)

If you're scared what will happen to your standing in the fandom if you like my posts or keep following me, though... maybe that's a place to start thinking.

#american girl #yeah i'm tagging it #i'm not turning off reblogs either #we'll see if anybody cares

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orbviously · 2 years

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same anon abt the pro-shipping shit. my aggression was me being oocly anxious and it came across weird, but genuinely i was looking for a way to empathize or understand your side. i'm not looking to change your opinion, and potentially not to change my own, but it doesn't mean i don't want to know what your reasoning is and/or understand where you're coming from. just wanted to apologize cause damn i didn't know it came across so rudely until those reactions.

Hey, anon, thanks for sending this ask. I'm actually grateful that you realized how you sounded. I do think it's kind of normal and encouraged, unfortunately, to be aggressive rather than open minded. However, it's going to make it harder to understand people when you're basically already acting like they've done something wrong.

I'm not an expert in the proshipper vs anti thing, I just come from old internet and fandom where you get to write whatever and it had no bearing on your real life. It didn't affect your "morality", it didn't mean you viewed real people in some degenerate way--fiction can effect reality, but fanfic writers and queer creators and such do not have the sway that mainstream media does.

this got long, and any time I write "you" it's a general you, so keep that in mind.

People use the JAWS comparison a lot, but what they're leaving out is how big and influential that Steven Spielberg creation was--a popular fanfic author for a fandom you're into will only have as much reach as the fandom, and sometimes, not even that much. I'm into Hazbin Hotel, and when a popular Hazbin Fanfic writer joined the scene, I had no idea who they were.

I think it is bad to view things under black and white. It will always be okay to write problematic shit in fiction, it will never be the same as endorsing it IRL. You may encounter people who do that, sure, but just like everything, there are messed up people, and there are normal people. Kink spaces have always been largely friendly towards LGBT+, because for a very long time, (and still today) it was unsafe to be out. It was unsafe to be yourself. Fanfic is similar to kink spaces, in that way. It's a safe, controlled space where you get to write the outcomes, you get to control the things happening.

The original link is gone because the person who posted it probably changed their URL or deleted the post, but it was essentially about how darkfic is good for people to work through their own traumas and shit, but also it's just a good safe way for people to write about anything. And it is safe, because it's not real. To then accuse people who write these things of being okay with hurting real people is patronizing at best, absolutely disrespectful and infantilising at worst. I learned how to separate fiction and reality as a child, and to be accused of not knowing the difference is very insulting.

It's okay to have squicks! It's okay to not be comfortable with various themes, but that does not mean those themes are not allowed to exist. Censorship makes it harder for everyone to protect themselves. Who are antis protecting by encouraging people who write/draw/RP dark themes to kill themselves? Because I can guarantee you, in every group of antis, there are people hiding their darkfic interests, afraid their friends will turn on them. Having interests in dark shit does not make you bad, it makes you human. It's normal. When we started to tell people, especially teenagers, that if they are interested in darkfic it means they endorse those things in real life, it is entirely damaging to their self esteem, but also opens them up to being abused.

You can have your limits and people will respect them, but demanding it with threats and fear mongering, that's probably not gonna get people to want to listen to you. I've been bullied a ton in my life, and I don't listen to bullies. I never will.

@/olderthannetfic is currently a blog I am reading a lot and it's really good! it talks a lot about this stuff. But you do yourself a great disservice to pretend that fiction has an effect on reality to the degree antis behave. It is never okay to bully someone to the point of suicide. It is never okay to accuse someone of being an actual p*do over shipping Vector and Espio. Do we not care about actual victims of these situations? Have ANY OF YOU heard of the parable THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF?

To sum it up: A shepherd keeps screaming that a wolf is coming, but he's lying. every time, people come running but he laughs at them for believing it. finally, a wolf does show up. He screams and cries out for help, but nobody comes because they think he's lying again.

If you constantly make false claims of heinous accusations, people are not going to believe you when something ACTUALLY goes down. People will not believe ACTUAL VICTIMS. Blonic should never have the same rights as a real life human being, that's so incredibly insulting.

Nobody is evil just because they enjoy fucked up fictional media. I just don't read anything that upsets me or grosses me out. If my shipping Orbot and Cubot grosses you out, then please don't follow. It's okay. I'm not responsible for other people, just my own enjoyment. There is no right and good way to enjoy fictional characters. But the moment you attack real people based on your thoughts about fictional characters, you have somehow managed to fuck up enjoying media. That's the truth.

#ooc #proship vs anti cw

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pastelkofii · 10 months

Text

Hey everyone! I'm kind-of back after a semi-hiatus!

Over the past few months, I haven't been very active on IG/TikTok or any of my other social media platforms except for Twitter, which unfortunately seems to be dying unless you purchase Twitter Blue. I've been focusing on real-life stuff like studying and my job, but I recently started posting regularly on Threads and streaming on Twitch, which has been incredibly successful. Thank you so much for your support on those platforms!

Before coming back, I took some time to step back, analyze social media algorithms, and make a plan - and that's what I've done! While I'm still prioritizing Twitch and commission work, I want to start doing art for myself again.

What's new? VGen, a site for trusted artists and creators to collaborate on commissioned work, took me on as a partner in June 2023. We also hit affiliate status on Twitch last week, which means you can support me by subbing, donating, or watching along and keeping me company. I've been experimenting with Ko-Fi and Etsy by making digital downloadables like streaming overlays. Subscribers and donators to my Ko-Fi can get a sketch of themselves, their OC, or a character! Also - I have a Discord now! You can find the link in my carrd since IG posts don't allow links. I'm active in there and keep a stream log. I hope to organize movie/anime nights, discord-exclusive streams, early access, etc. It's intended to be a community for artists and art enthusiasts, not just for me!

What's next? For the summer, I plan to focus on creating shop items, finishing up any remaining commissions or donation rewards, and streaming five days a week. I'll also try to post more regularly online - specifically on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays. Having post notifications on to make sure you see this really means the world to me!

Thank you for your support and I hope to see you around!

[ tags ]

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cursedfortune · 1 year

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Hey. In your post, you did address why I failed to follow up in a timely fashion - I have been intimidated, uncertain and scared. I'm not the person you thought sent the initial message expressing a desire to apologize, but I was a friend of yours, and our friendship came to an end in a nasty fashion a while back and there's been a bad taste in my mouth ever since. In fact, I've been wanting to apologize for quite some time now, but never conjured up the courage because I thought I was not "allowed" to and that you would not ever want to hear from me again. I thought it was just best to let sleeping dogs lie and move on, but I have not been able to stop thinking about you or feeling fondness for you, even after all of this time. I'll be honest and say that I don't want to get closure, close a chapter and move on, instead I want to make amends, hash it all out and renew our friendship. But I completely understand that the onus is on me to approach you, initiate a conversation and work with you towards that desired outcome without any anonymity and with full transparency, and I will as soon as possible. I just wanted to send you this right away to (hopefully) ease the worries, concerns and confusions that seem to be clouding your mind currently. Thank you. I'm not looking for a response to this so you need not provide one if you don't want to, and I know there's only one thing left to do now.

hm.

there's really only two people i've had falling outs with to a not great degree. the one this past month and the one that you mentioned, a while back. i'm not going to fault you for your hesitation to reach out. these things are always anxiety-inducing to deal with. i would appreciate a clearer indicator but seeing how the possibilities are slim that does make it easier.

i try to not live my life as a hypocrite. if you've taken time to think about things and want to have a transparent conversation about what happened and see from there - i'm not someone who will deny it. time gives us the chance to see what we didn't like about ourselves, what we didn't like doing to someone else and all the things between. i'm never going to promise an outcome but i can promise that i go into even personal situations as unbiased as i can because i want to hear you (or anyone) out. also i'm processing how i feeling atm, so please ignore if this message sounds like it's lacking an emotion or something. asdfghjk

i'll admit, i am confused about the timing and intercepting someone separately who wanted to apologize. and what you mean by ease worries and stuff if you weren't the one who initially sent that ask is also a little confusing to me. but i think that's something you can clear up for me if you want to have a conversation about things. i'm also confused by your final line in this post because it has a rather ominous tone? and that might just be my time being forced to be someone's personal suicide lookout for most of my life. so i hope it's just me overthinking and ??? wording there and nothing actually that serious is being considered.

i'd prefer this talk happens sooner. in truth, i'm a little beat being in the position to wait on others to talk to me like a person - or like a friend, with these types of matters. if you change your mind on doing this, i just ask you don't leave me in suspense and send another anon to say as much. i don't know if you have a blog anymore, if i've blocked it and need to unblock it or what. assuming this is best privately discussed on discord, you can feel free to message me your handle or if you still have mine - send a request if you're able. it's very rare i outright block people in case something like this happens (wanting to make amends or discuss it). but it happens. the recent one it did, but i can't recall about the past one.

either way, you can message me and we can move this privately to speak.

#sorry dash! please feel free to ignore this. i wasn't sure how to address it without addressing it #and i'm putting it under a readmore to minimize personal stuff like this on dash. hopefully that helps #oocasks

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edoro · 2 years

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Honestly the only reason I tag stuff as don't ship is because of those people reblogging stuff of relatives or minors and adult tagging it with shippy stuff and at times they heavily promote that in a healthy way because it's fiction.

the bulk of the post you're referring to here was about someone tagging something as "don't SEE as ship," which is a completely ludicrous and absolutely unachievable amount of control to try to exert over how someone else interprets your artwork. you literally do not have either the right or the ability to control whether or not a person who, say, ships Lunter looks at artwork of Luz and Hunter hanging out and thinks, "aw, that's so cute :)" while imagining it in a romantic light, regardless of your intention as the artist.

like that is just flat out ridiculous. it's not rational or like, good for your own mental health or mood to be spending that much time worrying about what other people might be thinking.

as for the rest of it, like... anon i am very aware of why people tag stuff as "don't ship" or "x shippers dni," and i don't think that's, idk, a bad or unreasonable thing to do. like it's fine and reasonable to say "hey don't tag this as a ship" if that would in fact really upset you to see. a lot of times, though, in my experience, it ends up being kind of silly?

(also heads up you are for sure in the wrong place if you think i'm sympathetic to accusations of people Normalizing Romanticizing Immanentizing and Caramelizing actual real life abuse bc they write or draw incest/underage/rape/whathaveyou.)

in my personal experience, when i see that kind of message, it's usually one of the following situations:

there's absolutely no indication it's ship art whatsoever, and no reasonable person would assume it was; for instance, if you want to talk about incest shipping, the frequency with which i see art that in no conceivable way could be rationally interpreted as suggestive or incestuous tagged with "btw DO NOT TAG AS INCEST" is ridiculous. do you think people who ship fictional incest are like, completely unaware of how normal, healthy family relationships work? i'm not going to say it never happens, because i've been on the internet long enough to know that there's always That One Guy, but for the most part, if someone is plastering "BTW THIS ISN'T INCEST" all over pictures that are clearly not incest, then they're the one who is shoving the idea of incest shipping into everyone's face when nobody else brought it up, and it feels very defensive. there's nothing wrong with being made uncomfortable by it or not wanting people to tag/comment on innocuous posts referencing an incest ship, but just on my end i'm more in favor of blocking blogs whose content makes you uncomfortable rather than telling other people how they're allowed to interpret art. (i would also say like, "a person who reblogs/interacts w ship content reblogging/interacting w non-ship content" is not necessarily a person interpreting the non-ship content as ship content, but like, you're allowed to be uncomfortable and to block people who you don't want interacting w your stuff, it's fine.)

there's no indication that it's ship art, but somebody who does ship it is likely to enjoy the art because it features the characters in their ship having a positive interaction. this one is just like, shooting yourself in the foot engagement metrics-wise to a bizarre degree to me - if i return to my Lunter example up there, like, if you write or draw Luz and Hunter hanging out, then probably a significant chunk of your audience is going to be people who ship them?

it's genuinely ambiguous whether or not it's ship art or could be interpreted that way. at which point death of the author kind of kicks in. not to mention, i've seen like, a nonzero amount of art of siblings/family members that, frankly, did not come across as normal or healthy ways for family to be interacting, and "someone drawing something that looks real fucking weird but insisting it's totally normal" gets me a lot worse than "someone just outright admitting Yeah This Is Some Nasty Freak Shit That I Like," because you can avoid the stuff that's knowingly tagged and warned for, but you can't really avoid Weird Vibes or stuff people doesn't realize is messed up, you know?

so you know i mean. again. you GET to say whatever. and it's not wrong to be made uncomfortable by certain ships, whether they're dead dove type content or just ships that you really don't vibe with for literally any reason. i just think that insistently plastering any art of two characters who anyone ships, ever, with defensive messages that this is NOT ship art, is both silly and kind of joyless and also means you're spending more time worrying about the idea that someone else might think a thing you don't like than you're spending thinking about the things you like. and that also it's probably just more useful to block or mute people who interact with your art in ways that make them uncomfortable.

and also that it is absolutely ridiculous to try to tell people they're not allowed to look at your art and think about a ship, which is mostly what the original post was actually about.

#incest mention in the post as an example of Shipping Stuff People Often Dislike

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purlturtle · 2 years

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Hello, lovely human.

Fanfic Writer Emoji ask!

How about you pick 15 emojis you want to answer, and go wild?... :)

oh god. oh you wonderful human you.

FIFTEEEEEEEN!!!!!

*clears throat*

okay. oh god. hnggnnnh. here we go. (I'm being all calm and normal, as promised.)

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels? (1)

Helena realizing that she is allowed to want, and to have, happiness. Myka realizing that she is allowed to want, and to have, happiness! They've both been dealt really harsh cards by life, and I love to give them love and care and support, not just from each other, but from a wider circle of found family as well. And whenever I get to describe a scene that shows them realizing that, 🥺

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh? (2)

I'm very proud of this line I put in Helena's mouth: “Well, it’s not as if they hadn’t imagined our bedroom activities long before there ever were any.”

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers? (3)

I love cliffhangers, both at chapter endings and at fic endings when it's a series! And then wait a week (or, in And Now You, till the events of the next chapter, because I posted that fic in "real time", as it were) until the next chapter goes up. I'm glad my readers are still bearing with me ☺

✍ Do you have a beta reader? (4)

Several! And one of them I even married! 😁 No, but seriously - I find the feedback of beta readers invaluable, not just because English is my second language but because I get too close to the prose (oh wow, unintentional rhyme, nice of you to drop by!), and need an outside eye to tell me if I'm still going in the right direction.

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write? (5)

I use good ol' MS Word. With a chapter index, and the new(ish) function of "jump back to where you left off last time", it really works for me. I write pretty much entirely linear, and use a different document for ideas and outline, and a third document for outtakes that might still turn out to be useful down the line, and all of that is straightforward enough to work in Word. I've tried Scrivener, but for me it didn't have enough advantages over what I was already used to in order to really (want to) dive into it and make it mine. With my betas, I use Google Docs and comments, but especially for multichapter fic, that is SO SLOW! And sometimes I write short fic right here on Tumblr, in the app.

🙋‍♀️ Do any irl people know you write fanfic? (6)

Well, I met my wife through my fics, so yes 😁 but even beyond that, a few of my family and friends know. However, none of them (AFAIK) read a lot of fic in general, nor my fic in particular; most of them aren't English readers, OR geeks.

🍆 Do you write the spicy stuffs? If so, what's your most popular nsfw fic? (7)

Y'know, I just checked, and my ratings ranking is "Teen and up" 20 works, "General" 19, "Explicit" 17!, and "Mature" 4. 😂 so yeah, I do write the spicy stuff! Both as parts of the larger narrative (the most popular of which is And Now You), and as PWP (here the most popular is 24th century t...echnology, a Beverly/Kathryn fic). I gotta say I do love me some good smut. And I hope mine meets the bill!

💲 Would you ever open commissions? (8)

I only write fan fic, not original, so no. I am fiercely protective of AO3, and I will protect their integrity one hundred percent. I don't seek to monetize my writing, anyway - it's a pastime, it is fun, and I want it to stay that way. I am lucky in that I don't need any side hustles, and hey, no shade to those who do find (legal, non-harmful-for-the-larger-fanfic-community) ways to make money from writing, but I also hate hate hate that capitalism has come to the point where some people think you gotta derive money from something somehow for it to be worthwhile, or where people see no other choice than to try, in order to make their ends meet. I write for fun. I am privileged to be able to write for fun. So no, no commissions. But hey, sometimes I do prompts, and I love taking part in gift exchanges! So if you ever wanna get something written by me, just let me know and if it tickles my muse, you might get it!

🎃 Do you write fics for certain holidays? Which is your favorite holiday inspired fic? (9)

Yes, I really like doing that! I have a winter holidays fic, a Halloween fic, a Pride fic, and I have another idea on the backburner for another winter holidays fic; no clue when I'll ever get to writing it, but I'll get there some day! As for favorites, the Halloween fic really kicked my ass, so it won't make that list, and the other two are tied!

🦅 Do you outline fics or fly by the seat of your pants? (10)

So I never really "learned" how to write? In that I never had any kind of instruction in creative writing, I mean. I didn't even know there was such a thing as outlining, or what different writing processes looked like. I would just open a new Word doc and go forth! So yes, I started out a pantser - but lately I'm working with a writing coach, and have looked into writing styles and strategies in other ways too, and I'm realizing that outlining fits me a little better. I'm in a weird in-between phase right now where I have, like, half a dozen WIPs that were started pantser fashion but where I'm trying to outline how the rest of the fic might go; it's fascinating! (and talking with other writers has been immeasurably helpful for those!)

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success? (11)

If I am happy with it. Sure, I like kudos, and hits, and comments (especially comments! When someone says "this fic is like a warm comfy blanket" or "I've read this four times at least"? Priceless!) but those are the icing, not the cake. I am immensely proud of Angel, Sinner, Dragonslayer, for example, both for the story itself and for the craft of it, but that one isn't even in the Top 15 by kudos or the Top 20 by hits. And for me to love a fic or to consider it good, those benchmarks don't matter. They make me happy, don't get me wrong - I love hearing if my fics reverberate with people, if they make them happy, if they make them feel all the feels, if people think the smut is hot, etc. etc. - but on my opinion of my fic, they have no impact.

⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter? (12)

When the muse hits me, when that holy trifecta of inspiration, motivation and time comes together, I can easily write 10,000 words in a day. It's not that I struggle to get words on the page; it's more that the days when that trifecta hits are rare. At the beginning of the pandemic, I was extremely prolific even by my own standards; writing was my way of coping. That has dropped a little bit, alas. Writing is still my happy place, my way of escaping the current hellscape and hang out with my favorite characters, but my energy has definitely been sapped by *gestures at everything*. Add to that that I only ever publish a fic when it's done, and not as I go (god, that idea scares me) (yes even when I publish it week by week; it's all written and done, I just enjoy torturing you by drawing it out), and you see why there's sometimes a long time between fic drops from me.

💥 How do you feel about criticism? 💌 How do you feel about comments and feedback? (13)

Ah! Feedback is a passion of mine. I can take something from almost any kind of comment - even if it is "this commenter has no idea and isn't engaging in good faith". And I always seek to improve my craft, and for that a comment like "this is a bit weak on plot, innit?" is really helpful! Especially if on top of "bit weak" I get given ideas how it could be stronger. Like I said, I never had any training in creative writing, so I am in many ways still learning and will continue to learn for the rest of my life, and I can only do that when I know where I still have room to grow. A bit of background here: I'm a social worker by training, and work in quality management now. I literally thrive in trying to improve things along any number of axes, and that is simply not possible without criticism. So hey, if you have always wanted to point out to me all the ways in which my stuff could be better, by all means reach out and let me know!

❌ What's a trope you will never write? (14)

Grimdark. Or even tragedy. I might take my characters to very dark places, but there will always be light at the end; there will always be a happy ending. Also, man-hating lesbians. Also, mlm. Yes, I'm a woman and yes, I write fanfic, but I write femslash, not slash. 🤷‍♀️ There might be a mlm couple somewhere in the background, sure, because I love including all kinds of queer people in my fics, but my muse just isn't tickled by mlm. As a matter of fact, my muse has pointed due Bering and Wells for the last five years or so? So yeah.

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! (15)

Man, I need to revive the posts in which I talk about my WIPs! Okay, here goes: I'm still working on Strata Part 2 with my beta, and also on Mind Over Matter Part 2. The Pirate fic is a bit on the back burner right now, because I have more inspiration for MOM2 at the moment. I finally have an idea for how to bring it to a good end (thanks, @anandabrat!), and that is the kind of iron you have to hit while it's hot! It'll be from Helena's POV, and show her journey towards a relationship. It's funny how an actual A/B/O fic, that started out with Bering and Wells having, like, the hottest sex ever (offpage though), has turned into one of the slowest burns I've ever written! 😅

Okay, that was a lot!!! And I loved every moment of it!

My wonderful friend, thank you for this opportunity to gush. Mwah mwah mwah!!!

#ask meme #ask me #get to know your author #all my answers!!#this was such fun!

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charybdiss · 2 years

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Oh no! It's a life update from what basically amounts to a stranger who never posts to tumblr anymore! :O

Hello life has been weird and wonderful lately! Which is a shocker to those of you who do know me in some capacity since all of my life updates before I dropped off the face of the earth were pretty negative. Anyway! On with the show.

I've been working the same job for almost 4 years now (in October) and while it's not what I envisioned myself doing, it's the best paid position I've ever held and I'm finally clawing my way into a position that I could see myself staying in if they'll let me.

I'm training new hires currently, and I found out that I really enjoy teaching/training. It's technically a temporary "flex" position that may end at the end of the year but the worst thing that happens then is I go back to fielding customer phone calls for a while at the same pay rate until I am needed in the training department again.

We finally moved!! We're still renting but it's a cute little house all to ourselves with no shitty neighbors playing their music so loud it rattles the windows. We got in a huge confrontation with our neighbors in the old apartment before leaving where we had to call the cops and she basically streamed live on Facebook and all of her friends threatened to get together and "roll on us" so that was fun. I hope she got new neighbors in our place who are just as loud and obnoxious as she is. Hey, maybe the nazi and his girlfriend moved back in now that the original landlord is gone! Either way, not my problem anymore :)

I had been miserable there for over a decade already (we had been there for 16+ years at the time of leaving) but finances being what they were we couldn't really do anything about it. When we finally ripped the band-aid off and jumped into our current house, it was like night and day. I caught myself for weeks still tiptoeing around and being quiet and fearful that the neighbors could hear us. They can't!!! It's phenomenal!!! And our landlord is extremely nice and flexible and any little problems we've had with the place he has fixed as quickly as humanly possible, and lives in another town so he's never here to "drop by" and inspections aren't a thing anymore. Why didn't we move sooner? To think of all the years we wasted in misery.

I guess the final bit of news is that I'm pregnant! Which is another thing I kind of never thought would happen. We were just getting comfortable with the idea of just being cat people for the rest of our lives and I think the combination of being finally happy at work and happy at home just kind of...allowed it to happen? I don't know but we're very excited and also terrified. I just had my 20 week checkup today and everything is healthy and in order as far as docs can tell. I gave them like 8 vials(!!!) of blood a couple of months ago so they could test for everything under the sun and she looks good.

Coming up with names is extremely hard but being the dorks that we are we are not above considering our (more normal-human-leaning) Warcraft character names lmfao. ONLY IF NOTHING ELSE APPEALS TO US OMFG. We're not that cruel :)

I swear I'm not the type of person who will constantly talk about baby stuff and post baby pics (come on this is a semi-anonymous platform online and is not Facebook) but I will of course tag all of my posts about finding a name and any other wacky baby adventures under some sort of tag I have yet to come up with.

I will also reward (hahaha) your patience with this rambling life update with some drawings in a bit :D

#personal #life update #real life stuff #i don't remember how to tag or what to tag or what do do lmfao just let me know if you need something tagged and i gotchu

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the-blind-geisha · 2 years

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the fact that you still remember that idea, about my Horseman stuff and Emmett being her steed. I get your feeling now, when I said I remember horse!Emmett. Thanks so much, dear. Silly little thing but it honestly means a lot (for a person who has a really bad memory). ah, so I see you're reusing the ideas. That's great! I like that idea, cuz he can always have something to protect himself with (and doesn't destroy his back by carrying that heavy shield xD).

haha, yeah! that's true. I managed to get my old blog back tho, but of course, changed the name Cx. I don't use it now cuz I made yet another blog! even after all those years, I still like to change accounts/names. I appreciate that you wanted to give me the name, truly <3

Oh my god, all of them? That's... that's so awesome. Makes me truly happy ; w ; just like the fact you still remember me <3

ah yes! it did use to be one word and you had something like 'teahouse' in it? (seriously someone did that sort of joke? effing rude). Ngl I tried to find your blog by putting that name first, but eh, I kinda forgot how it went xD. So I changed the approach and, ta-dam! I'm here!

Oh my good, Oreana! Delete these, right now! I've changed, I swear! I can make new ones! Better ones! /hj Seriously tho, it means so so so much for me, that you still kept them (even when they are so awful /hj). It really was fun to make those for you, just like it was fun to see you enjoying them <3

Not so sure about the rp (bad memory, yeah), but I agree, it was so damn long ago! Glad to hear you consider these good memories! ; w ; It's wonderful to catch up with you too! But I'm kinda not done, cuz we spoke about Overlord too! keke So, getting back to it: I know what you mean cuz I also got into anime first xD. Then, I picked the LNs and holy eff. I absolutely love the idea of the overpowered bad guy (well, Ainz is not exactly fully bad cuz he only cares about his 'children' from Nazarick but, you know what I mean xd). I picked my LN cuz I don't remember how things went with Demiurge(being Demiurge) and oh boy, he did firstly offer to kill her to prevent the information from getting outside XD. He did propose for her to work on his farm tho! (ngl lie when you said you thought Demiurge and Sebas would fight over what Tuare would do for Nazarick... I thought of some unexpected, sick threesome XD) Also, uhh, according to what he said later, I guess he wanted for her to cook food for the residents of the happy farm. You know, food made of other residents. (#justdemiurgethings). I wonder if that would be a true torture for Tuare. After all, she doesn't care much about humans right now. XD But yep, Overlord is so dark, it's such a nice change from all of those isekai-ed good dudes. Especially overpowered isekai-ed good dudes. I agree tho, out of context Overlord is the best (mm, ah yes, that plan? THAT plan? Yes, you're so smart Demiurge, so then I'll allow you to describe MY plan to everyone)

I been writing a bit more since these years ago. Even started a writing blog for Resident Evil (mop man Carlos <3). Not active for 2 years now, basically disappeared with small info xD. Nah, such writing isn't really for me. Still writing tho, but only rps. So hey, it's amazing to see you're still writing! <3

Read your post and, you got this, dear! don't let your mental state beat your ass. beat the mental state's ass! slaay! and feel better soon <3 take as much time as you need and focus on getting better!

Love youuuuuuuu! Thanks so much for your sweet words and all ; w ; (but delete these edits /still hj). Sorry for worrying you tho! But yep, I'm fine! And I'm so so glad you're fine too! - Pandemonium

(it's morning currently and I'm laughing to myself at how fast you accidentally exposed me XD)

X”D You'd be shocked at things I can and can't remember, truly. There are even a few passing anons in my life that I never got to meet out of anon, but I still treasured their continued interaction with me. Haha, I am glad you like the thought! I really wanted to reuse it somewhere, and Cheshire fit the bill being a tank like how Emmett was in that story idea. ♥

Of course, I do! I am happy you're still around! That brings me such relief.

LOL!! I cannot say I don't understand you, hon. All those old pieces of Emmett I gifted you? Oof, I could do WAY better now. I swear it! ♥

I will say that Overlord makes you want to cheer for the villains because so many of the good guys are so dang horrible. X”D But well, the villains have awesome designs and on top of that, are far more interesting?? I just love so much about how they feel. I dunno if you read fully about Renner and why Climb kind of kept her going, but she had debated just ending her self, because she was an intelligent young girl growing up around a bunch of idiots. I felt SO insanely bad for her. X'D;

You make an awesome point—makes me curious if she would care or not given how poorly she was treated. But she's a pure soul, and Tuare would be upset if innocents were harmed no doubt! HAH! A sick threeway. Oh man! XDD If Demiurge and Sebas ever had to share a woman, it would be funny.

I gotta admit: I love dark storytelling. Twisted characters make it all the more fascinating. ♥ It's why I'm so mad Demiurge is the one mainly putting everything into motion, but he gets like...no spotlight. X”D I'm so dang upset! Oof, Demiurge's over analyzing ass gets me every time! ♥♥

Oh man! That's awesome! I know the RP part. x'D I opened a Demiurge RP account on Twitter, and it's been fun when...I get on there to interact with folks. My biggest crushes in RE world are Leon and Claire. I'm so dreadful! LOL But the series holds such nostalgia for me. ♥♥ I love those games! RE 1 remake still holds up to this day. Love that game to pieces...even if I never beat it... C'x

Mawwr, thank you so much! ;^; Love you too!! Take care of yourself!

Hehehe, I can easily see through peeps. >3 ♥ (I'm kidding though, really. Some people just have that sort of soul I can sense through anon, and I'm glad for it!) ♥♥

#though having those vivid ignis/ demi/ me dreams?#yeah that felt what demi/sebas/woman would be like #where one is groaning at their lady has to spend time with the other LOL #mod answers #anon #anon: P #anon: pandemonium

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taketwoinink · 2 years

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*throws confetti*

HEY Y'ALL I OFFICIALLY REACHED THE 1000 post milestone!! (...a few posts ago..)

So... now feels like a good time to do some self reflection. TW: blunt discussion and mention of suicidal thoughts/suicide & self harm

I've been thinking a lot recently about where I was about this time last year and where I am now.

I'm going to be honest. A year ago, I was in a very dark place. Starting in August of 2021, I kept coming up with reasons to put off killing myself. First it was my cousin's birthday, then it was my other cousin's birthday, then my brother's, then Halloween, then my dad's, then mine, etc.

I had frequent intrusive thoughts about dying. There's a bridge not far from my house and I seriously considered jumping off of it (and unfortunately have had those thoughts since but not nearly as seriously). It was a time where I didn't think I'd keep living. I forcefully steered my mind away from suicide plans because I felt a need to please people by staying alive. I felt like... I wasn't allowed to die. That was something everyone else got to do but not me. I wasn't given such luxuries.

I've said several times since that the thing that really kept me living was my cat, Purrshia. And it's true. I felt very alone at this time and I didn't want to make anyone worry about me by seriously talking about what I was feeling. I often felt unloved or unloveable.

But I knew I couldn't go because who would look after my cat?

Maybe it's a flimsy reason for living but it's what worked for me and a large part of why I'm still around and doing much, much better!

What happened was... I shut down. Honestly, I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't make myself work on anything, all I could do was watch dog videos on youtube.

I lived at home at the time and still do and so my parents took me and got me diagnosed with depression and stuff and got me on anti depressants. Which I can't state enough what a difference they've made in my life. at first the dose was too low so we upped it and since then I've definitely been able to tell the difference. They allowed me to find some sort of joy in life and begin to heal. I didn't do a lot and existing was hard but I was still existing.

Starting early this year was when I really.. dabbled in self harm, I'd say. I've never been a cutter personally simply because I didn't want to have to deal with the blood. Seemed like a pain to hide, so I didn't do that. I did stab myself with my fingernails though. And bit myself. It was something I'd do when I was having a meltdown and had all these emotions and no way to express or understand them and I just needed an outlet of some sort.

I cried a lot.

I had no love for myself. I had no plans or hope for the future. I had intrusive thoughts of how worthless I felt all the time.

this is harder to talk about than I thought it'd be honestly

I can't honestly say what changed. I did go to therapy, which stopped in May I think because financial problems and that's when I got on tumblr. Which I think has been a lot of the change.

For a while, I needed a place to spew my thoughts. And this blog was that place. Somewhere where my family and friends wouldn't see it and no one could judge me, no one knew me, no one could say I was wrong.

It's changed from being my trauma dump now. I have a lot more support, more people to talk to, I feel a lot better now than I even did in May.

I joined a discord server of other queer members/former members of my faith and that's been a huge blessing. I've had a big problem with my church since I came out to myself as nonbinary and they've helped me still feel a connection to God without putting myself in a situation that hurts me.

I also made a discord server with my lovely mutuals (HI MAFIA FRIENDS!) that's been another really unexpected blessing! I can't state enough how much I love these people, even Achi! Who I was very scared would end up accidentally taking over and shoving me out. But she's been fabulous to have around and I do love her chaotic energy and I think our group is better for having her!

I realized a few weeks ago that I stopped hating myself. My love for myself is not the strongest but it's starting to exist and get stronger. It's weird to be healing that like. It's weird to reflect on how much I hurt, how... dark my situation had become. You could see it in my eyes how much I was hurting and now you can look at them and see joy and brightness and love and happiness. It's something my family has noticed, maybe it's something my friends have noticed.

I've gotten more confident. I assert myself now like I never have before, like I was always scared to. I've been learning to ask for help and to validate myself. I've been learning to be a more functional human (which is very hard, lol). I have dreams and hopes and plans for my future. I have so many great friends who cherish me and who I cherish and who have helped me immensely.

In a way, healing scares me. I'm used to hurting. I worry that because my pain is less now, that it's somehow invalid. I try not to listen to those parts too much.

I definitely have a long way to go still. But I've also come so far.

I'm really glad. I feel like I don't ever have to go back to that dark place again. For a while I worried that I would, that this might be a cycle that would never end.

I don't think that anymore. I think some healing is permanent.

I've learned a lot, about myself and other people. I've gotten stronger. I'm happier for sure! I like life, honestly.

And now it's spooky season and that's my favo(u)rite time! And I'm starting projects and actually finishing them and doing things I always wanted to but never could do before!

I'm proud of myself :D

And no matter what happens, I'm gonna keep going. Because I know things do get better and they're so beautiful now. I love life, and I love me.

#1000 posts #tumblr milestone #self reflection #Signed In Ink #shout out to my mutuals!#you're all fabulous and lovely as always <3 #tw self harm #tw intrusive thoughts #tw suicidal thoughts #tw depression

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