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quarterfromcanon · 4 years

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27-29 for the get to know my favorites game

Hello, lovely! Thank you for these. :) Trios turned out to be a surprising challenge (I apparently have more favorite groups of four than three), but I’m pretty happy with the ones I remembered after giving it some thought. The final picks are under the cut! <3

Top 5 BROTPs

1. Paula Proctor & Rebecca Bunch (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) - Naturally, this was the immediate choice that sprang to mind. It’s the first relationship on the show I really fell in love with, and it’s the one friendship in the series that consistently tugs on my heartstrings. It’s flawed, complicated, and messy but the genuine connection underneath it all is strong enough that I’m hopeful they can work through their problems. I would’ve preferred to see more emphasis on that effort in the fourth season (and a lot more work on Rebecca’s friendships with Heather and Valencia as well), but I want to believe things improved between them after the finale.

2. Steve Harrington & Robin Buckley (Stranger Things) - The general public opinion of Steve Harrington has been on such a journey since Season 1, bringing him now to a status of common fan favorite. As such, I think a delicate balance needed to be struck in finding a suitable match to team up with him on adventures. This person needed to:

A) Have good chemistry in their interactions with Steve

B) Bring a new dynamic to the table that he didn’t already have with an existing connection

and most importantly

C) Be a unique and engaging character that the audience would care about individually, so they didn’t get lost in simply being an offshoot of Steve’s story. They couldn’t be relegated to perpetual sidekick with little else to define them.

As far as I’m concerned, Robin Buckley fits the bill on every account. She’s artistic, resilient, loyal, and - especially endearing to me - a movie buff. She has a quick wit, a sharp mind, and a big heart. Being friends with Robin helps Steve take the specter of his high school self less seriously so he can put it behind him, and she helps him more fully embrace the person he’s becoming in the wake of that lost status. Having Steve for a friend helps Robin resolve some lingering emotional scars from school as well. It gives her an opportunity to share her authentic self with a peer and - to her relief and ours - find acceptance after revealing a pretty important secret. I can’t wait to watch the two of them be adorably nerdy and goofy bros at Family Video in Season 4, presumably with some daring fights against dark forces when they’re off the clock. Does saying I hope Kali comes to Hawkins somehow and bonds with one or both of them mean I can speak that into existence? I’m doing that now. It’s worth a try. If it happens in some capacity when the time comes, know that I will throw a One Blogger Party of epic proportions.

3. Wynonna Earp & Nicole Haught (Wynonna Earp) - I had to use this specific screencap because it perfectly encapsulates the chaotic energy that makes me loves these two together so much. Their separate approaches to their shared work environment are at pretty much polar opposite ends of the spectrum, but they make a pretty solid team when they play to each other’s strengths and communicate. They also both love Waverly most of all, so it feels like they were bound to work out their differences eventually since neither would want to make her feel torn between her sister and her girlfriend. The hijinks they get up to in each other’s company are just top shelf. I look forward to at least a little bit of fun like that from every season. If I wind up having a lasting partner later on down the road, it’d be cool if their personality balanced well with my sister’s on this level. I’d also be really happy if I ultimately gelled with her person in a way that sounded unlikely at first but worked. Fingers crossed for both outcomes, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

4. Emily Thorne [Amanda Clarke] & Nolan Ross (Revenge) - I have two things to quickly clarify for those who are unfamiliar with this show.

#1 She has two listed names because she was born Amanda Clarke but goes by Emily Thorne for most of the series to hide her true identity.

#2 Despite the impression this picture may give, Nolan is not marrying Emily; he is simply walking her down the aisle.

These two are there for each other through so much - the looming threat of discovery, jail time, capture, near death experiences, heartbreak, the passing of loved ones, etc. - and they make it to the other side with a deep bond the likes of which they’ll never experience with another person. It is at times heavily one-sided because of how much drama Emily deliberately dives into, but it’s something that she tries to make up for during her more self-aware and less self-involved times. There’s genuine love and mutual respect there by the finale and it’s really gratifying to witness the journey they’ve taken together.

[~Slightly spoiler-y closing statement after these brackets~] I was pretty sure I knew where the show was going with romantic ships by the end. I knew for certain it wasn’t my personal OTP for her because they’d already killed that person off quite some time ago. There was a part of me that could’ve found some contentment in leaving the story with these two as a couple. After all, one of my favorite ship dynamics is Reluctant Acquaintances to Best Friends to Lovers, but it was not to be. That being said, the platonic friendship they shared was a big part of the heart of the show and I cherish it for that. Nolan was a rare exception for Emily, a genuine bond formed in the years when she was tried to operate like her heart was made of stone. I also think working with Emily gave Nolan a sense of purpose and let him flourish in his area of expertise. I’m not sure how either of them would feel about the musical reference but, to slightly paraphrase from Wicked: because they knew each other, they have been changed for good.

5. Penelope Stamp & Bang Bang (The Brothers Bloom) - I have seen Rachel Weisz and Rinko Kikuchi in more roles since this movie than I had prior to watching it for the first time so, if anything, my fangirling over this friendship has gotten worse rather than more manageable. x) This post classified the film under the subgenre whimsical noir. It turns out that’s a style I instantly adore every time I stumble upon it. One of the titular brothers, Stephen, lives so deeply immersed in the variations of the world he writes for their heists that even those closest to him are essentially characters he can interact with on a daily basis. His feelings for them as people can get very muddled with his feelings for them as interesting OCs to move through narratives. A big trouble with this is that his living archetypes can often get reduced to clichés. He’s not always mindful of their nuances or allowing for the full range of their autonomy. Penelope is selected by Stephen to serve as the “manic pixie dream girl” who will be his brother Bloom’s forever love and Bang Bang is essentially presented as a “dragon lady” stereotype. I haven’t done a rewatch in years so I may be giving the movie too much credit here, but I remember this choice feeling at least semi-deliberate. It could be interpreted as a way to illustrate how Stephen warps real life to fit his vision. At least, I can definitely remember scenes that felt like they debunked the one-note assessments of these two. What I genuinely love, though, are the little moments when Penelope and Bang Bang are able to just spend time together with little to no interference from Stephen or Bloom. They share their hobbies and teach each other new skills. It feels like they truly perceive one another as whole human beings on a level that neither guy is capable of doing since they’re both so immersed in the drama of the plot. When the women are with each other, they get to be more than an extension of the men who maneuver them; they get to be themselves. Penelope is the only one Bang Bang clearly wants to maintain contact with once the heist is finished. I think that says a lot. Honestly, this is another BROTP that could slide to OTP. If someone wrote fic of them completely severing ties with the brothers and going off on their own - romantically or platonically - I wouldn’t be upset at all.

Top 5 Trios

1. Luke, Leia, & Han (Star Wars Episodes IV - VI) - Oh dear, I’m overwhelmed just looking at a picture of them together. Star Wars has been a part of my life since childhood. Getting to watch the original trilogy felt like a rite of passage (when I was really little, Mom used to find things for us to do outside the room while Dad watched because she was afraid some of it might scare me). Princess Leia resounded with me on a level that almost no other fictional royalty has ever quite matched. Han’s wardrobe is still some serious #aestheticgoals and I would 100% wear replicas of his jackets and vests if I had them. I also remember thinking that Luke’s new look in Return of the Jedi was SO COOL with the all-black wardrobe and green lightsaber. Wow, imagine that, an edgy costume change that shared vibes with the common Disney villain color palette called to me as a baby fan of antagonists and antiheroes! Who ever could have foreseen that sudden spike in appreciation? :P Anyway, one of my lingering sorrows about the more recent trilogy is that we never got to see all three of them as aged adults in each other’s company. I still wanted our new cast to get their time to shine, of course, but I do lament the absence of at least one little trio reunion.

2. Luna, Neville, & Ginny (Harry Potter series) - The Silver Trio, pictured here with the first set of three that comes to mind when thinking about the books and movies. I do still love Harry, Ron, and Hermione, but I’ve found a growing appreciation for this other team-up over the years. They’ve been through a lot too, even if they are not always present where the main action is. Bullying, loss of parents, manipulation of the mind and body, abuse at the hands of authority figures - they’re all left with internal (and probably external) scars to bear. There’s also something to be said for how strong they all were in the school year set during Deathly Hallows, when the Golden Trio wasn’t around to inspire and unite those who wanted to stand up to ever-increasing tyranny. It can be easy, unfortunately, for them to get written off based on the oversimplified stereotypes that have gotten associated with them. People remember Luna as being weird and spacey, Neville as awkward and hapless, and Ginny as bland and lovestruck. They’re all far more nuanced than that, and they accomplish great things while fighting for and beside their friends. I’m planning on doing a re-read of the books at some point, and I really look forward to revisiting these brave kids.

3. Irma, Marion, & Miranda (Picnic at Hanging Rock) - Ah, yes, my very recently discovered darlings. I have many thoughts about them all. I’ll try to keep this as condensed as I can while still making sense. Some spoilers will follow, although those won’t answer every question the story poses. There are audience members who ship the above characters as a throuple, which I totally get, but for me it’s like soulmates of a different kind. These three have met at a point in their lives when they all burn with compatible intensity. They long for the same dream version of youth, for a way to begin life free from the confines of a world that won’t accept all their hearts contain. While the people that surround them may not be willing to bend the rules, nature itself appears to show them mercy. How often do we see a story of girls who just... love other women so much that a sacred location goes, “Y’know what? I’m gonna help you escape your restrictive society. Permanently.” This miniseries definitely depicts the setting as being involved in messing with the investigation, as a mystical place that befuddles unwanted intruders. I love the way these three fortify each other in times of pain and fear, and there’s something deeply moving about how standing side-by-side helps them defy the odds.

4. Sarah, Alison, & Cosima (Orphan Black) - Okay so, technically, when I picture our core team in this show, the net is a little wider. My mind tends to also include Felix, Mrs. S., Kira, Helena, Donnie, Delphine, and Scott. However, I think you could kinda argue that those characters have a stronger connection to one of the above three than they do to the other two. Thus, this ends up being the central triangle. They’re all such solid performances and the fact they’re all played by the same person is incredibly impressive (not to mention the, like, twelve other clones Tatiana brings to life throughout the series). Watching them go from tense strangers to sestras was wonderful. I’m glad they had each other through the increasingly complicated web of lies and schemes they had to unravel and survive.

5. Galavant, Sid, & Isabella (Galavant) - Remember how James Marsden was in Enchanted? If you dialed down the deliberately cartoonish quality of that performance and allowed for more not-so-G-rated humor, I feel like you’d have a general sense of what Galavant is like as a character. Sid is his squire and Isabella is a princess whose mission happens to combine with Galavant’s, albeit fueled by different driving motivations. They find themselves involved in a lot of shenanigans because of Galavant - even in his own universe, he’s into the whole dashing knight thing more than is strictly necessary - but they make a fun little team to follow through the world of this musical television series. I’ve gotten fuzzy on the details since I watched it air live four years ago, but I remember the series being enough of a summer feel-good time that I’d be game to revisit the show again someday.

Top 5 Family Relationships

1. Stevie Budd & The Roses (Schitt’s Creek) - The whole fish-out-of-water setup for this series was already pretty fun in and of itself, especially given how outlandish their lifestyles evidently were before the show begins. The thing that makes it special, though, is how the absence of all their expensive distractions finally helps them prioritize being a family. The Roses do a lot of work to reconcile who they were with who they find themselves becoming in the present. It’s sweet to see them collectively conclude that growing closer to each other is one of the few things they do not regret in the slightest. They also silently agree to adopt Stevie along the way and, boy, does that give me a lot of Big Feelings, particularly in the later seasons.

2. River Song & The Ponds (Doctor Who) - I think it’s been like seven years or so, give or take, since I watched Doctor Who with any regularity. These three have resurfaced in my mind many times since then. They all love with such fierce and unwavering devotion, spanning lifetimes. It’s fascinating - and often heartbreaking - to learn about the things they’ve experienced and endured. Oh gosh, and once the show reveals how River’s story overlaps with theirs, and you pay attention to how she looks at them, IT HURTS but it’s so engaging to watch. The emotions are all flooding back just remembering them now. Argh, what great characters... </3

3. The Tico Sisters (Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi) - Rose appears in two installments of the third trilogy, but this is the episode that has both Tico daughters. We never get to see them interact onscreen in the film, but I still feel the bond between these sisters so intensely. I found out later that Kelly was present for the filming of Paige’s death scene (which happens so early in the movie that it doesn’t feel like a big spoiler - please forgive me if it is). I’m glad that was something they decided to do behind-the-scenes, because it definitely informs Rose’s grief. She’s sitting in the dark, picturing her big sister’s final moments with such horribly vivid detail that it feels like she was there, and yet she can’t do anything to change how it ends. The shape of the sisters’ necklaces immediately establishes that they were a unit even when acting independently, that they felt like two halves of a whole - all they had left of their family. Now there is only one, and that fact is a weight around Rose’s neck both figuratively and literally. It serves as a visual reminder of how she carries Paige’s absence always, trying to discover and embrace who she is on her own while still honoring the memory of a relative she loved so deeply. I think she reaches the end of Episode VIII feeling like she’s someone of whom her sister would be quite proud. I’m very proud of her, too.

4. The Tyler Siblings (Wonderfalls) - Jaye is comically different than the rest of her family, and the show establishes that right out the gate when we learn that she’s the only one whose name doesn’t rhyme with the rest (left to right, the others are Karen, Sharon, Darrin, and Aaron, respectively). Her relationships with her parents could certainly lead me off on some analytical tangents but, predictably, it’s the sibling stuff that interests me more. I think it could be said that all three do more living inside their heads than they do out in the world, and that they’ve all grown up to be borderline loners (Ironically Jaye, who is considered the most troubled, is the only one I remember being shown to have formed and maintained a friendship). Aaron’s a very philosophical and analytical person, so you get the sense he talks to himself more than to others, although he still manages to resurface from those deep contemplations so he can goad and tease his sisters from time to time. Sharon is high-strung, competitive, and brings that “disaster lesbian” energy to basically every social interaction she has. Jaye’s standoffishness seems to stem from both the difficulty of fitting in with people and the fear that connections will fall apart once they manage to form at all. They’re all just messes trying to make the best out of the situations they face, and I appreciate that. I also enjoy how prominently the Jaye and Sharon sister bond features throughout the show’s only season. It starts out on pretty rocky ground, but they grow a lot in regard to how willing they are to communicate and express their love for one another.

5. The Brothers Proctor (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) - The family dynamics in their house are in need of some serious work, without a doubt. I’m just really touched by how close these two have become without Paula’s notice. It’s possible they always were, in that we-fight-but-we-care way that siblings can often be, but the supportive side of that really moves to the forefront as they get older in the series and it warms my heart. There’s such a glaring difference between The Household As Paula Views It and Things That Are Happening While She’s Not Paying Attention. I can’t help using fic as a way to explore that. I happily find excuses for her sons to make pop-in appearances, just to check up on them. I'm so pleased that, as of Season 4, they seem to have become fairly well-adjusted in spite of everything. Oh, and I am still not over the revelation that they attend renaissance festivals together, in character, for fun. What precious cuties who would no doubt dislike me referring to them as such! Paula, please give them an extra hug from me!

#About Me #Answered Asks

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amandayuebing · 5 years

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My Life is Very Shoujo Manga, Chapter 15: Mooncake 🥮

The Tuesday following the party at Fukuda-sensei’s house was still mid-semester break, and Marianne invited me to have lunch with her. When Tony found out his girlfriend and I were having lunch together, he said he might join us later. I wasn’t sure how Marianne felt about him crashing our one-on-one girl time, but I was secretly glad he was joining.

Marianne and I did some walking and talking, and then we sat and talked during lunch. And boy, she talked to me about a lot of things…

She told me, girl-to-girl, how she totally understood if I didn’t want to do kendo anymore.

Although I could tell she had some genuine empathy for me, I did sense a wrinkle of jealousy and second-motive in her words.

I knew I couldn’t blame her. Instead, I saw it as an opportunity to get her to trust me and be her friend. I didn’t see her as an enemy, as I knew why she felt the way she did.

She told me about how Tony used to be such an arrogant and annoying person before and how her first impression of him was, “who is this loud, annoying and obnoxious guy?” How he was cocky and just overall dislikeable. How I definitely wouldn’t have liked him back then. But in the three years that she knew him, she really understood him, and how he’d changed.

I tried to imagine this version of Tony that she told me about and felt a little bad when I struggled to see it, and worse when I thought to myself, “she’s right. I probably wouldn’t have liked him back then.”

But I knew that was exactly the game she was playing at.

She then asked me if I had a boyfriend. I felt like the correct answer would have been to lie and tell her I did. But I’ve never been great at lying, and if I was going to be her friend, what was the point in lying? So I told her, “no I don’t, actually.”

“Oh, no way! Why?” She sounded shocked but her facial expression gave off a totally different emotion.

Okay... that was definitely a bad move.

I told her about my most recent crush (before Tony, of course). Because that was something I could talk about with her, and it was a true story...

I told her about the guy who was in his early 30s from South Africa, the Masters student who seemed very adventurous and even knew how to fly helicopters. The one who was incredibly cute, to top. The one all my female friends said looked like a cross between Zac Efron and Robert Downey Jr when I showed them pictures. (Jenny got to meet him in real life, too.) I showed Marianne the pictures.

I told her a little bit about our story— not that there was much of a story.

It was my first day moving on campus, my parents and just left and I was heading back to my apartment. I saw him running towards the elevator, so I kept the door open for him.

We struck up an awkward conversation on the elevator (which he initiated), so I thought he wouldn’t want to continue talking to me, but to my surprise when the lift arrived on his floor, two floors below mine, he kept the door open to talk to me some more.

When he had to go, he told me, “I would shake your hand, but I’m sick,” and because he was already dreamily cute, that small but thoughtful gesture had me swooning already.

How we kind of kept in touch for a while. Our exchanges were flirtatious and fun, but we never got to a serious stage. It soon stopped shortly after his trip back to South Africa because we soon figured out we were really different. (And someone my dad would disapprove of, anyway.)

I laughed and told her about how my dad as well as having very particular standards about the people I was allowed to associate with, he sometimes could just dislike someone because he believed he could read faces, and if he disliked someone’s face, you couldn’t change your mind about them afterwards. But Dad disliked this guy before he even met him so...

Marianne said her father was the same, which was why she hadn’t introduced Tony to her parents yet. Only told them about him. If her dad didn’t like Tony, that would be it.

“But you haven’t dated since? Has there been any boys who you’ve been eyeing, though 😉?”

“I mean, it wasn’t that long ago... And it’s hard to find guys who can impress me like that.

“Sean was cute, and polite, treated me well. He was interesting and clever, and we had great conversations. He was accomplished, had an interesting life and the added bonus of being wealthy and being able to fly helicopters.

“Like, there was nothing to complain about! Except for the fact we were different, and that’s fine. I’m waiting for a guy who can make me feel something special like that, but be right for me.” All that was true, except, of course, I was omitting something important...

Marianne then talked about the other people in the kendo club she was close with. How Hugh-sensei was like a big brother to her, and Chad was like a gay best friend. How either of them would support her completely if anyone were to hurt her, such as Tony…

I knew what she was trying to do, but I played it cool.

I told her that I did think Hugh-sensei was really nice, as he had talked to me after the party. How because of his advice, I no longer had the intention of quitting.

That he was right, and that I still felt like I could learn and benefit a lot from continuing kendo, such as trying to become a more confident person.

As well as all the threatening-sounding stuff, we also had girl-talks about topics from uni, to makeup, to celebrities, how we both wanted children in the future etc. I actually enjoyed spending time with her.

We walked to Messina at The Star for ice-cream, where Tony joined us. When he walked towards us, I-

I was speechless about how finee he looked that day.

The inner me was drooling. Oh my god. I couldn’t help but say how surprised I was to Marianne.

“Wow, something about him is so different today! He looks really good in those clothes.”

I also said it when he approached. (He was dressed in casual jeans and a t-shirt instead of the usual hakama and gi or UTS Kendo tracksuit.) Marianne also said she was surprised.

Seeing the way the two interacted that afternoon, I felt like I didn’t want to interfere with their relationship. I felt happy being by both their sides.

But I knew it would take some time to get over him… It’s going to be hard getting over such a cool guy, Amanda, but he’s not for you…

We walked to his house to get his kendo gear, as he lived only a short distance away. While walking there, Tony turned around and said, “what are you spacing out for, with your mouth slightly open like that?” Oh my god, that was embarrassing. I didn’t even notice until then that I had a habit of leaving my lips slightly parted as my resting face until then! Well, I kind of did… It wasn’t something I thought about often, until then.

When we arrived at the front of Tony’s house, Marianne refused to go inside unless I went in with her. Apparently, Tony’s mother hated Marianne. Her trepidation to go inside also made me really nervous… But Tony told us not to worry, as it wasn’t a big deal, and his mother probably wasn’t even at home.

“It’s not that she hates you,” he began explaining. “She disapproves of all the girls I bring home.” I wasn’t sure whether that was meant to comfort Marianne. I’m also pretty sure it didn’t work. Thanks, Tony.

But Marianne was convinced his mother hated her. Tony explained again, that his mother didn’t hate Marianne, but disapproved of him choosing a non-Chinese girlfriend. Although I was half-Chinese and not even his girlfriend, I was terrified of her too.

We arrived and he told us to wait in the living room at the front, on the couch while he went upstairs to get his gear. I took off my shoes and came inside.

I looked around at his house; it was modern, sleek and had a lot of natural sunlight coming in from the large windows surrounding an internal courtyard in the middle of his house. Across from the courtyard, in his dining room gracefully sat a woman with a stylish, black, pixie-cut and pale skin, just like Tony’s. She was gorgeous.

“Ma, I have two friends here. I’m just here to grab my stuff and to go to kendo,” he shouted as he walked past us to get up the stairs. He nudged me on the way, and gave Marianne a look, “hey, say hi to my mum.”

“Hi, Mrs Liu,” we both greeted her. I bowed my head slightly before joining Marianne on the couch.

Tony’s mum said something to him in a dialect I couldn’t understand, and a short while later, Tony brought us mooncake with lotus seed paste that was sliced into four for Marianne and I. I looked at it eagerly but waited for everyone else to take a slice first. I love mooncake.

Marianne refused to eat any, and said, “I don’t like Chinese food.”

“What?” Tony said, a little hurt, a little annoyed. “This is the good stuff. It’s expensive, and my mum sliced it up especially for you guys to eat.”

“No, I hate mooncake.”

“Not all mooncakes are the same, though. There are different fillings. Here, at least try som--”

“No!! Stop trying to force me to eat it! I’ve tried it before. It makes me want to vomit. I can’t stand eating mooncake! I HATE it!”

“Alright, fine.” Tony said curtly.

It made me wonder how she was going to cope with being part of a Chinese family one day if she and Tony became more serious…

I guess if they really loved each other, they’d find a way to work past their differences…

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alongcamepolyblog · 7 years

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I'm a queer woman, whose dated mostly cishet dudes my life. After coming out, I've dated a few girls (even having a few non-monogamous relationships) but I'm finding myself falling for a cishet monogamous dude that I *surprise* am reeeeeeally into. Am I a bad queer for having these feelings, and am I an even worse person for being confused on where I lie on the monogamous/non-monogamous spectrum?

Oh, honey. The very short and very firm answers I have for you, for both of your questions, are no, and no, not at all.

It’s Pride month, and there are lots of things floating about about queerness. Equinox has a horrible joke of an ad campaign about the ABCs of LGBTQ+, and they kick off the video with “ally” (gag me) – erasing asexuals from the queer community completely – and then lumping in kink and S&M as if those things are inherently queer, or all queers are kinky. This is the entirety of my reaction to that:

NYC Pride is supposedly going to be televised this year, because everyone wants to get in on queerness as spectacle. But the problem with marginalized identities being perceived through the lens of a dominant [read: white supremacist, cissexist, heteronormative, patriarchal] narrative (i.e., white cishets with money who like glitter and dislike the history that is the Stonewall Riots being led by Black and Latina trans women) is that the dominant narrative fucks us up. From adolescence (or even earlier if you’re Black or POC), and continuously.

What I’m getting from you letter is mostly that you don’t feel queer enough. “Not queer enough” is just another version of “not enough” and, in my experience, at the root of every “not enough” – especially for someone who lives within one or more marginalized identities – is how we’re not shaping up to some distant, inauthentic ideal (which is *always* seen through the lens of whiteness).

What does “queer enough” look like, to you? Take a moment and really think about it. What are the narratives that you’re bringing to “queer enough” that have you stuck in the position of feeling like you’re falling short?

I’m also a queer woman who for a long time dated mostly cishet dudes all my life, and when I was stewing in my ‘not enough’ feelings, they usually had to do with my femmeness, and how I was worried about being read. (This is called internalized femmephobia.) My response was to cut off all my hair (and then, ridiculously, have a lot of feelings about being read as too butch/“too gay”; read: “too much.” We truly cannot win.) I got a tattoo of a Sailor Jerry mermaid rocking a pixie cut and reading a book with her boobs out to telegraph to the world that I LIKE GIRLS. I later got an undercut, a septum piercing; all markings of things that I thought would make me more “visibly queer.” (And maybe it did, but now I’m also Brooklyn-adjacent, so I look pretty much like everyone else. Oh well.)

But here’s the thing with visibility that I think is important to note: My bbqueer striving to be “visibly queer” was a privilege, even as it was causing me anxiety and feelings of not enough-ness; trans folks, and BIPOC folks, queer and straight, struggle with hypervisibility in ways that my light skinned, cisgender ass generally does not, and it is important to me to state that plainly.

Did any of the things I did to establish my queer chick street cred actually make me any queerer? No. You know what does make me queer?

The fact that I’ve always felt a little odd my whole life, and it wasn’t until I found my queerness that some part of that began to ease. My intense relationships with female friends that crashed and burned in startling ways, which I now realized were warped and stuck in a pressure-cooker by the queerness that I didn’t have words for, since I was raised so steeped in Catholicism and heteronormativity. The fact that I’ve had to fight to recognize my queerness; the fact that my parents made me stop watching Xena for “the violence” when I have a sneaking suspicion I probably was made to stop watching it for the gayness (and I don’t say that to criticize my parents at all – I don’t even think that was something that consciously registered for them; that is part of my queerness too). The fact that my dad tried to make me stop watching Buffy when Willow came out as gay – he TRIED lol – and I literally told him over my dead body. The fact that Willow came out as gay and it still took me an additional ten years to realize that I’m bisexual, bc lol, where are all the bi girls on TV??? Where are the bi girls who look like me? (Here’s one.)

I understand your angst, though. As queer women, we’re so often told that our sexuality is contingent on who we’re with. My doctors have treated me that way – when I have male partners, I’m straight, and when I have female partners, I’m gay. When I come out about being non-monogamous, I’m pretty sure all they see is a neon-sign over my head that, depending on the doctor, reads “HIGH RISK” at best, and “SLUT” at worst. These are messages that we have to deal with every day. It is so, so rare to find a place and a community that validates who you are, exactly as you are.

And the queer community isn’t exempt from that, either! I had a girlfriend who identified as a lesbian who had a problem with me having sex with dudes. I had a girlfriend who identified as poly who hated the idea of me having other partners, so she asked me to be in a closed triad with her and her husband – and then the two of them, jointly, decided to dump me, in part because seeing him with me scared the crap out of her.

Our world is imperfect, and our communities reflect that. It takes strength and resilience and the deepest, fiercest love for who you know yourself to be to fight that. It can be exhausting, and sometimes we don’t always win these battles with “not enough,” because our society is not structured to encourage or even allow us to love ourselves. And I’m sorry for that, and I am sending you all of my love, not just because it’s June and it’s Pride month, but always, because you deserve so much better than this.

With regard to where you stand on the spectrum of monogamy and non-monogamy – fuck that scale. You are where you are, and how you do relationships is your business, and your partner(s)’ business, and anyone on the outside looking in can go fuck themselves. Maybe you’re feeling more monogamous right now – cool. Maybe you’re just super deep in New Relationship Energy with this exciting new person – that’s also fine! Either of these things or neither of them can be true, or one of them can be true sometimes, or they can both be true at least half the time, and the only thing that means is that’s where you are at right now, and where you are right now in your dating life is not a comment on how ‘good’ of a queer you are. You don’t have to be good. You just have to be yourself.The most important thing I ever learned about queerness was last summer at the LAMBDA Writers Workshop. My teacher was Benjamin Alire Saenz, and the first thing he asked us to do was to write about what scared us most in the world. I wrote about not being enough – not queer enough, not Latina enough, not good enough at non-monogamy, not enough of a writer. Not enough, not enough, not enough. He said to us, “Queer is an identity that is entirely self-defined” – and your ability to do that, to be who you are, all of who you are, and say fuck you to the cishets who want queerness to look the way they want to consume it, and a similar buzz off to the queers who would suggest your queerness is not queer enough because of who you’re with – is not only an act of resistance, but also the best gift you could give yourself, and a gift you have always deserved.

Happy Pride, love.

#ask me anything #queerness #LGBTQIAP+#pride month #pride #monogamy #non-monogamy #queer chicks #queer femmes #femme #femmephobia #sex ed #sexuality #comprehensive sex education #inclusive sex ed #visibility #hypervisibility #ethical non-monogamy #alternative relationship styles

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jodiwalker · 7 years

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The Bachelorette Recap: Hometowns, Where Everyone’s a Loser

Oh man, The Bachelorette is really on one this season, huh? First the rise of feces-and-coded-language personified, Lee. And now the purposeless televised exploitation of human Cockapoo — if Cockapoos could be hot like when Robin Hood was an animated fox — Dean. What gives?!

Oh, I know what gives. They hired a black Bachelorette after 100 years of marshmallow fluff in the shape of Brad Womack (twice!) and now they think they can just be shitty about every single other thing. Let's be clear: nothing good was ever going to come of Dean bringing Rachel home to his estranged family. I think we all remember Des — well, no one remembers Des, who had zero hand tattoos, but we definitely remember Des' brother who had all the hand tattoos, and a limitless determination to ruin his sister's love life.

Dean's dad doesn't seem to want to ruin Dean's love life; in fact he attempts to make it clear in a number tones ranging from "formal compassion" to "barely suppressed rage" that he supports Dean dating Rachel if it makes them happy. But he also doesn’t seem particularly interested in affording his son any happiness that might have anything more directly to do with him. I don't love calling a man I don't know selfish — but being selfless is kind of the main qualifier for being a parent, and Dean's dad is definitely not that, so I'm just working in antonyms here.

Also, I'd probably break a champagne bottle over Aspen's highest mountain and fight anyone who made Dean's eyes sparkle with anything other than the prince-like wonder generally twinkling around in there, so yeah. What likely started as Dean's father trying to be generous to his estranged son quickly went south because the two haven't had a relationship since Dean's mother died, and everyone in Dean's current reality TV world told him this one night, surrounded by cameras and exactly zero licensed psychologists, would be a good time to address that. I can understand that Dean's father wouldn't have appreciated inviting all these strangers into his home and sharing his mungbeans with them, and then having his son remind him that he emotionally abandoned his kid when he needed him most…

But he did! Both the emotional abandonment and allowing these ABC monsters into his hime. The truly confounding part lies in exactly how The Bachelorette convinced any of these people that this was a reasonable thing to do, especially Rachel who seems dead set on meeting Dean's father even though Dean had just told that his dad was "not a person who has any bearing on my emotional experience."

Well look alive baby boy, because you're about to have one seriously emotional experience. But first! The boyfriends who weren't manipulated by TV love into a familial trauma…

Eric

Oh hello, Eric, nice to meet you, where the hell have you been? Seeing Eric in his hometown of Baltimore was like stumbling across some guy on Instagram that you were in a few college classes with and being like…Wait, was he always this hot and I just never noticed?? Shut up, is he coaching a little league team in that picture?! I wonder if he's seeing anyone. Does he live near me? Would he be open to starting our relationship long-distance? I'd always thought I'd want a summer wedding, but January could be really luxurious. Omg, I could wear a fur stole! One day I'll pass it down to our daughters. I'm so thankful I found a monogamous life mate in Eric; I feel God in this Lo-Fi filter today.

Those are the kinds of leaps I made during Eric's 20-minute segment. Whereas pretty much everybody else came out of their hometowns looking less appealing — excluding for Dean who I just wanted to wrap up in one of those emergency blankets they give out at marathons — Eric came out of his Hometown suddenly possessing a lovely and fun personality, with a family to match. Now if he can just ditch all those wispy scarves he likes to wear and keep smuggling his broad ass shoulders into laid back Canadian tuxedo, we could have ourselves a winner.

I mean…Eric won't win. But still, I want him to marry Rachel and get a spinoff about their families that would force Bachelor Nation to watch not just one, but many different black people on television from not just one, but many different backgrounds, with no Lees in the mix whatsoever. And that show would, of course, be called: Aunt Verna's Variety Show and Also Rachel and Eric Are Here.

I loved Eric's hometown. The turn from his openness about growing up in a family where many of the men were "successful in the streets" and the women had to be extra strong as a result, to Rachel being enveloped in a screaming cloud of hospitality and love when meeting said family was, frankly, heartwarming — a platitude I do not use lightly. I was full on Grinch'in it for most of Rachel's visit to Baltimore.

Yes, a lot of my love for this family had to do with his one aunt's head-to-toe daytime rhinestones, but also, with every conversation Eric had with one of his family members it became clearer that this is a family that has been through tough times with each other, but has put in the work to be able to understand the challenges one another have faced. All that mature familial growth just felt so hopeful. Put a pin in that thought…

Now, may we PTL for Aunt Verna who finally put in text what The Bachelorette has been just begging us to read in subtext all season: as spells it out, "R-A-C-E." That blonde pixie! That tunic! That moxie! I die! Aunt V is all, Soooo, Rach. Being the first black Bachelorette—that must have been a lot of pressure. And as though not one producer ever thought to ask Rachel what the implications were for her of being the show's first black Bachelorette (perhaps they were too busy screaming, We did it! We ended racism! Right here on ABC!) Rachel's tiny lil' floodgates open and she says, indeed, "It's a lot of pressure because you're judged by two different groups. I'm getting judged by black people and I'm getting judged by…everybody else."

This is a feeling that Rachel has alluded to exactly once before and she immediately cut herself off. Would Aunt Verna, perhaps, like to be paid one bajillion dollars to take over Chris Harrison's job? Suddenly, all of Rachel's comments about "in this position, I have to [be selfish] to get what I really want" carry a much heavier weight. Rachel says "I want love and love doesn't have a color, so my journey for love shouldn't be any different than the other 12 Bachelorettes in front of me." That's right Rach! You go and choose you a kinda smarmy guy with tall hair, stay engaged to him for two years, and then break up on the cover of People, just like your ancestral sisters!

But not really. I want Rachel's journey to be different; I want her to choose Eric — there I go, pressuring her — who's very empathetic when his mom tells him how she kept her distance from him growing up because she didn't want him to be just another boy who knew he could always fall back on his mama if he messed up. It feels harsh, but in the case of Eric, you can't say the theory didn't work. And you know, I've said parents should love their kids unconditionally — but maybe there are conditions you should apply to, oh I don't know, let's just say, MATERNAL LOVE…

Bryan

Bryan's particular brand of "I dunno, girl" is hard to pin down, but there has been one red flag that was particularly glaring: he told Rachel that his mom was the reason his last relationship ended. Now, sure, there are probably some women out there who might feel threatened by their boyfriend's relationship with their mother…but that usually doesn’t happen in a relationship where the man has a typical relationship with his mother. It happens when the mother breastfeeds the boy until he's 12, then moves on to baby-bird feeding Alicia Silverstone-style when he's a teenager, and when he's forced to feed the nest, she just creepily says she's in love with him all the time

That might be enough for even me, the most independent of lovers, to be like, Dude, I think you need scale it back with your mom a little bit, she FedEx'd us a bunch of chewed up food on dry ice yesterday.

When Bryan and Rachel arrive at his family's home in Miami, his mom basically gives Rachel the Heisman to get to her son. Later, she offers up this toast to welcome Rachel into their family's home: "For the most precious thing that I have in my life." Cheers to Rachel! Olga tells the camera, while openly weeping, "Bryan is my life. He's my love, he's my pride. We really have such a wonderful relationship, that for me, a woman that separates him from me would be terrible." Cool, sounds like a normal closeness between mother and son where the mom would rather the son be alone forever than to share any of the love in his love tank with another woman. Cool, cool, cool.

If Olga has other children, they go unnamed (and—this is just a guess—unloved). But there is a young mystery woman that looks like Bryan who tells Rachel that the ex-girlfriend "was threatened by the relationship he had with his mother" which the unnamed woman seems to think is proof the ex was crazy, and not an indicator that if a love interest is threatened by a mother/son relationship, there's probably good reason. [Ed. Note: Has everyone seen Bates Motel? It's terrific!]

Like, if your boyfriend's mom is constantly saying, "Bryan is my life, and I just want to advise you, to give you a warning: You are marrying the family too," that might be a good enough reason to feel threatened, quite literally, for your life, and not just for your relationship with this walking haircut (a bad one, according to Olga).

But Rachel, in her continued refusal to see that most things about Bryan are tinged with an unknowable filter of MOLLY, YOU IN DANGER GIRL, just laughs off his mom's literal threats and professes her adoration for Lil' BryGuy. To be fair, at the end of the visit, Olga tells the camera that she could see in Rachel's eyes she's a good person—the subtext is that a good person would never try to replace her as Bryan's number one, they would just be comfortable settling into a far distant number two. At least until, as Olga says, she dies and leaves that number one spot open: "I want the day we leave, I can be in peace because he can have someone to take care of him. He's the love of my life."

Bryan will be allowed to love someone else, quite literally, over Olga's dead body.

Peter

I've really like Peter this whole time, and for valid reason: he's super-hot. He's a personal trainer and former model, and he has a nice deep voice. People say the most important thing to them is a sense of humor, but when faced with a total babe who seems reasonably smart and into you, who among us would be longing for the killer knock-knock jokes of our youthful fantasies?

But boy, did Wisconsin bring out the dull in this guy. We don't get to meet Dean's friends (which I've heard was filmed as a segment because I listen to multiple Bachelorette podcasts, don't talk to me, I don’t want to hear it), but we get to meet Peter's friends who, coincidentally, seem like they've never met Peter before in their lives? No one smiles with their teeth for the entire encounter.

Peter laughs with his "pals" about how he told Rachel that he has a group of 10 close friends, eight of whom are black. Which is like, half-reassuring, and half makes you realize that Peter has a real Allison Williams vibe about him. I guess all two of his white friends and two of his black friends show up, and the two males are immediately sequestered four feet away from Rachel for "guy talk."

Peter's whole thing is that he only wants to propose marriage once in his life and he's not positive he should be doing that in three weeks after having spent a total of six hours alone with this woman. And I get it. But like…Rachel is a beautiful, self-aware, successful attorney…I'd probably Married At First Sight her ass if given the opportunity. His "friends," not making eye contact and maybe calling him Patrick at one point, tell him not to fuck it up. But when Rachel meets Peter's family — bearing two unidentified wrapped parcels — Peter's mom tells her he's ready for marriage emotionally, but at this moment, he might be more prepared for a "commitment" than forking over a diamond.

Peter's thoughts are totally logical — it's exactly how I would feel if put in this situation, but with less prominent cheekbones and no charming tooth-gap (just weakened enamel from years of drinking Diet Coke—is that hot). But I wouldn't put myself in this situation — Peter, with his gorgeous face and strong tooth enamel, did.

Peter seems to thank that he's playing his game: what can he handle, what is he ready for. But this ain't yo game boo-boo. For as self-aware as Rachel is, this isn't even her game. This is The Bachelorette. Peter is trying to play checkers in a game of Psychological Warfare Chess (patent pending). You've got to be eight steps ahead; when you're on your first date, you have to be thinking about your third date where you will, of course, be staring in to Neil Lane's icey blue eyes, deciding on princess-cut, emerald cut, or running away fast enough that Chris Harrison can't catch you.

In the end, Peter tells Rachel, "I'm just very happy right now." Rachel responds: "And I…am very happy too." A love story for the ages!

Dean

What's left to be said about Dean's Hometown date? Well, I guess, the details: The scene opens up on Dean, the Skipper of reanimated Ken dolls, set against the gorgeous landscape of Aspen, about to have one of the worst experiences of his life, which again, was completely avoidable. I've found Dean to be surprisingly mature throughout the season, including his explanation of his father's faith choices, which he explains pragmatically; for Dean, that means only impulsively smiling, like, ever twenty seconds instead of every five. Six years ago, his father converted to the practices of a Kundalini Yogi—as Dean explains, his faith is much like Sikhism, and as he further explained in a thoughtful Instagram post in advance of the episode, it's not what he was referring to when he called his father "eccentric."

You guys, I know I'm stanning for Dean too hard, like he’s just a cute 26-year-old with a complicated past. But I can't help it. I have to imagine my reaction to him is akin to if I was a 14-year-old and understood what a Shawn Mendes is. In a franchise where stereotypical masculinity is valued so highly that being "protective" is frequently manufactured from bungee jumping and cave diving excursions, it's really interesting to see Rachel take on the role of protector as she gently forces (okay, that part's not great) Dean to go inside his father's home amidst his admissions of being "legitimately terrified."

But everything is fine! This is the first time all of Dean's three siblings, his father Paramroop, and Paramroop's wife Santantar have all been together in eight years. Paramroop asks them to all lay down and face their heads toward his gong, and plays some soothing gong tunes which actually seem to…soothe everyone.

And okay, Dean wasn't actually forced into seeing his family, presumably this was his own decision. I will never understand why Rachel encouraged him to choose this already volatile time to confront his dad for apparently the first time every about his lack of sensitivity following his mother's death, but…he did it. And it did not go well!

Paramroop seems like he's really trying to put on a nice, albeit uncomfortable, dinner for everyone, but Dean feels like everyone is putting on a front that they're one big happy family. Well, yeah, that's what you do when there's a stranger in your home and you're trying to make them feel welcome. But Dean asks if he and his father can have a few moment son their own which means everyone else has to…go outside? Outside, Dean's sister tells Rachel what a strong person Dean is and how much she admires him. It's very sweet. Inside, Paramroop tells Dean he's glad he's doing something he loves to do, and when Dean asks for clarification, Paramroop says, "I guess…hanging out with a beautiful woman?" It's very painful.

Dean asks his father if he thinks he's "fulfilled things" as a father and Dean's dad says, "I must have been a pretty great dad because look at my son," and oooooh it possibly the worst attempted compliment of all time. Dean tries to explain his frustration of his dad not being there for him after his mother passed, but Paramroop is not willing to take on that emotional responsibility. Dean wants them to be able to talk about it now that they're both adults and he understands better what was happening, but they just go back and forth until Paramroop says, "Because of my teaching, we believe the other person is you. So whatever you think of me is what you think of yourself." Which…sucks.

Paramroop storms outside and when Rachel asks if she can speak with him he says, "If you must." It's a forced conversation but Paramroop tells Rachel she's welcome back anytime and she tells him what she has with his son is very special. Dean is distraught inside. He tells Rachel, "I know that I'm falling in love with you. I don't even know how to conceptualize this, that's why I'm so blown away." Rachel whispers back, "I'm falling in love with you too."

And then she breaks up with him!!!

Thank goodness. Not because I want Dean's little bird heart to break, or because it made a ton of sense for Rachel to tell him she was falling in love with him and then dash he bowtied heart days later. But because Rachel and Dean were never going to work. She is a mature queen among women, and he's just a baby with a lot of self-admitted growing up to do...

And where better to do that than in Bachelor in Paradise, where boys go to become men. Dean asks Rachel why she said she was falling in love with him and she tells him that she meant it. So that's…the opposite of closure and will probably haunt him while he tries to make out with Raven, etc. But sometimes you just have to cut the good ones loose so they can reconnect with their nuclear family and probably become Musica.ly stars or whatever.

#the bachelorette #the bachelorette recap #rachel lindsay #hometowns

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