this is maybe very hopeful, but i still find it in me to send an ask, hoping for the best... i hope to not waste too much of your time with this

as someone who is possibly thinking of converting to Judaism, what is the first step?

i know, i should look for a rabbi, for a group, for just... something. to connect me to the culture, but i grew up in an incredibly sheltered household, in a small town, christian, and i still dont have solid income to look out for them far and wide... honestly, I'm kind of afraid that if i dont end up going through with the conversion, I'll just feel guilty for wasting people's time for my own personal gain (as opposed to...... their gain? yeah. its impossible to tell wether that one makes sense)

im pretty sure i have met exactly one Jewish person IRL and that's not a stretch.

so, basically, when im asking for the first step here, what i really mean is, how do i know where the stairs are?

and i dont have a super philosophical reason as to why i even think of converting in the first place. i guess i just need a place where my first crime won't be my humanity.

So I've sat on this all day trying to figure out how to be elegant. I'm in a fair bit of pain today, so elegance is kind of beyond me - I'll settle for helpful.

Anon, I grew up in a really similar situation to you. I grew up in one of the few Catholic towns in my very protestant area. It was a tiny farm town, only on the map for gambling, and I lived in an incredibly sheltered home. I couldn't be on the internet unsupervised, and my parents turned it off at 10pm, until the day I left home. I never had time to form a community, was not allowed to ask questions, and struggled with constant feelings of fear and crushing oppression by a church I no longer believed in.

When I was in highschool, I discovered LaVeyan Satanism, got my hands on the satanic bible, and converted, largely hiding it for years. I didn't meet a Jew until I left for college, and was so anti-Gd that we never really spoke (Not due to antisemitism - any engagement with religion triggered religious trauma history, so I couldn't be around ANYONE openly practicing any religion. It was a very stressful time, and I carry a lot of guilt for not engaging with her more.)

I didn't have any big philosophical reasons for seeking Judaism, either, at first. I had had a very spiritual experience in the Cherokee Nation with a family friend who invited us, and I was actually considering moving there and taking part in their religious practices as much as they would allow me to, as a white person. My family friend was a religious leader there and was willing to accept me and bring me in, but it never panned out. I have been seeking that same spiritual connection for years, but I didn't really know it until I found it again.

I first started learning about Judaism when I just. Kept running into Jews in my life. Online, in community spaces, through my advocacy work. And I asked myself "what is so important about this?" and picked up the book To Life! by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Immediately, I was enthralled, and I have not stopped being amazed and overjoyed with what I've found.

For me, the first step to really learning more was reaching out to my local Reform congregation. I'm not sure if you're thinking of converting Reform or not, but I'd suggest starting there, because I've found it's been very easy to find my footing as a queer person with a fraught religious background. The Union for Reform Judaism - the largest North American movement of Reform Jews - offers Intro to Judaism classes once a semester (many congregations require these courses for conversion). The classes lay out the very basics of Jewish values, history, and practices. They're usually taught by local rabbis - my course this semester on Jewish history has two classes with each of the four Reform rabbis in my city. This is a great way to get to know the rabbis, see how they teach, and see who you click with. It will also allow you to interact with other folks that are new to Judaism - Jews that want to learn more about their heritage and practices, prospective converts, friends and family members of practicing Jews, and sometimes just people interested in theology!

Once you find a rabbi that you click with, you'll want to reach out to them and set up a meeting (I meet personally with my rabbi on Zoom, because transportation is difficult for me as a disabled person). During that meeting, you can tell the rabbi your story, your level of interest, and answer some of their questions, as well. My Rabbi asked me why I chose Judaism as opposed to something else, and really dug into my resolve, because I came to him expressing my desire to convert. This is pretty normal - antisemitism is on the rise in the US and around the world, so they want to make sure you understand what you're taking on by seeking Judaism.

Here's the thing about Judaism - it is not something you can do alone. Judaism is a tribe and a people, not just a religion. I do not say this to dissuade you. If anything, I want to encourage you. No one is going to be upset with you if you come, participate with sincerity and earnestness, and then decide that it's not for you. You will not be wasting anyone's time by asking questions and learning things.

I also grew up Christian. We were taught that asking questions is a sign of a lack of faith. That we must follow and believe and never question Gd. I am here to tell you that that is the complete opposite of what Judaism not just expects, but requires. Israel means "to struggle with Gd." It is our job as Jews to struggle with the Torah and what it asks of us. To question it and interpret it and find out how to do good in the world. To disagree. This is not a religion of blind faith, and it is not a people that will silence your questions.

So I suppose the concise answer to your question is more of a checklist:

Research your local synagogues. See if you can attend one of their services online. See if you like the rabbi, like the way they talk and the things they say and the way they interpret the texts. See if you like the cantor, and if the way they chant helps you with your connection to the service or detracts from it. Take notes of any questions or concerns you have, so you can bring it to the rabbi.

Contact your local rabbi. If there is more than one congregation where you live, choose which seems most approachable for you to start with. On their congregation's website, there should be an email form that will take you to them, or to whomever runs their site, who will be able to put you in contact.

Set up a meeting with your rabbi. If you can go in person, that's great, but if you get anxious easily, Zoom can be really helpful. I recently even got my rabbi to join Discord. Bring them your questions. Tell them why you're there. Answer their questions honestly, and don't be afraid to tell them you're nervous. I promise you're not the first prospective convert they've spoken to.

Try to get into an Intro to Judaism class. You can ask questions about all different sects of Judaism, even if you're taking classes with the URJ, and a good rabbi will be able to give you cursory answers and resources to find more information. If Reform doesn't work for you, I'm sure that the other sects of Judaism have their own classes you can take. As a convert, I have not had to pay for my classes, and I think that's a national thing

Attend services. Don't be afraid to not know what's going on. Don't be concerned that you don't know Hebrew. Don't worry about them thinking you don't belong there. I still haven't formalized my conversion (I haven't been able to schedule my beit din), but my congregation considers me a member, and recently formalized my membership in our organization. They consider me a Jew, as much as I consider myself one. I am part of their family, even though I'm very new and know almost nothing.

And most importantly:

6. Keep reading. There are lifetimes of Jewish literature, information, and text out there. Jews keep extensive and detailed records of everything. When a Jew has an opinion, they write a book. And every Jew has opinions. I'm happy to give book recommendations, but this post has gone on far too long.

I know it's not a simple answer - there really isn't one. Conversion looks different for everyone, and takes different amounts of time for everyone. So does practice. I don't keep kosher but I give blessings over what I eat, even if it doesn't follow kashrut, because the blessing and gratitude is what is holy for me (and because I have dietary issues). I haven't hung mezuzot because I can't afford them, but I wear kippot because the visual reminder of the cultural and historical throughline of our people matters to me. I don't know Yiddish or much Hebrew, but I learn and ask questions and am enjoying immersing myself in a culture and ritual that I didn't know I needed.

I hope this is at all helpful. If you need or want personal help with any of these steps, please, please send me a DM and I will help you. I know it can be nervewracking to talk about religion, especially as an ex-Christian. I promise that my inbox is a safe space to discuss it. You're among friends, and I know your struggle.

Stay well, and may Hashem bless your journey, wherever it leads.

Entry 1/Introductions

hey!

so i really havent used tumblr before really so im not sure if this is the best place for what im doing but regardless im posting it here

~welcome to my blog~

the purpose is to document my life as a whole but its also my senior year so even more reason to record it!

this blog will be my safe space to spill anything, the good and the bad, of my upcoming life. in all honesty im not sure how well ill keep up with posts or how much effort ill end up putting into them but i will try to update at least once a week for sure.

ok so now onto me :)

hello again! im rose, i use he/they pronouns and i am 17. for anyone wonder, which i dont know why but i guess i can just state it to get it out of the way, im a cis queer guy. i use queer as my label because i very much dislike labels for myself lmao. im attracted to men way more often than not but if the right person for me isnt a guy the im not going to let gender/sex get in the way of love and im not sure pansexual really fits the way i feel. queerness ill say is a part of me but not something i identify with as much as i did in middle school. ill make a separate post about this perhaps. (ill mention that my name isnt actually rose irl and its just my pen name for the blog. i have no reason to be secretive really besides to hide my identity from friends, family and people who think they might know me, especially with the topics i might write about, but also i didnt put too much effort into disconnection rose and myself so if youre one of my irl friends, hi :p ) i am a high school student, but i am mostly taking college classes at a community college. im a photo major! photography is a recent thing that i started basically the same time i started college. i sorta took a leap into photo classes and decided that i might as well major in it since ive always been a creative person and since my high school was paying for my tuition. honestly college has been really fun but its school and sometimes i get burnt out really easily which sucks. ill probably talk about this more some other time. i havent really decided on a style of photography that i prefer yet but this fall ill start a portraiture lighting class as well as a color theory class, both im really excited for.

recently ive found myself changing or perhaps growing into a more typical "teenager" recently. this growth is a drastic change from who i was as a kid and that sort of scares me but i think i like the idea of who i can become. i started taking an interest in cars which sort of came out of know where. it might be because i got my license last december and have been driving a lot more but its also rooted in my ex too. (at the begging of this summer i got into a relationship with this guy who was my first everything, and we also ended it in july which hurt hella but again this is a topic for another post later) he was a total car guy and it was something we were bonding over. he would teach/talk about cars and i listened and started to take an actual interest. we went to a few car shows and it was honestly a prefect date/hangout for us because he liked cars of course but i also got to bring my camera and take photos. definitely something i miss doing. my first car was a 2004 honda pilot. it was a manual and i tried learning how to drive it and i got the gist but ended up selling it and getting an automatic 2006 honda pilot lol. this car ive had since february and its lowkey dying now which pisses me. my grandpa was the one who ended up buying it for me which i appreciate very much dont get me wrong but he bought it off these sketchy guys and didnt get it checked out right away for any problems and now im paying extra money in repairs. currently im trying to save for something more "extra" like a mustang or a bmw or honestly an older honda like a prelude or accord, though on my salary as a host in a small restaurant i have barely $4.5k saved and i started work about the same time i got the 06 pilot. i know these cars are a bit on the pricey side but im giving myself till new years to save for something and if i dont find anything by then, ill keep my money in savings for college after i graduate. (that is with the hopes my 06 pilot lasts me through that long :,) )

so yeah. i work as a host at a restaurant. its my first job and i honestly really like it. i get paid $16.50 an hour and i get tipped out by the waitresses on top of that. on average i make about $500 in a pay period which is two weeks. i wish i had more hours but also i dont. i usually use work as an excuse to procrastinate or completely ignore school work which is really self destructive because i convince myself that im productive but in reality i need to be more focused on school. my work ethic is pretty good though i think. i always say yes if someone needs a cover or if i need to come in ealry/on a day off. after the break up i took a bunch of extra shifts and started taking caterings for longer hours and to keep me busy. in the past 2 pay periods i clocked about 50 hours each and made $850 each. this has again been really nice for savings but not for my summer classes. this pay period i had a double catering and i should clock in about 40 ish hours. ill have one more pay period after this one before i will talk to my manager about scheduling me only friday-sunday and see about scheduling me caterings more rather than hosting since i make more that way. theyre pretty good about accommodating hours/days which is really cool but my manager always complains. i feel bad but also i really shouldnt because i need to do better in school first and i already do so much more than what i get paid for honestly so she really doesnt have any reason to say anything. (especially since we just hired 3 new girls after the summer hires left) all my coworkers love me but also everyone shit talks eachother behind their backs so i always wonder if they say anything about me lol. if they are then they should put that energy somewhere else because how are you guys gonna shit talk a 17 year old when you all are 25+???

my music taste is the opposite in regards to changing drastically. i find myself returning to the music i grew up with and even expanding with similar artists. for a quick family overview my step dad who raised me since i was three was/is a tattoo artist and very much in the punk scene. my mom was in the artistic performance and alternative scene. both these adults raised a very punk baby with all the classics and now like i said, after not really interested or listening to music often for awhile, im back to my roots. this is very comforting however when me and my ex were dating he was a big influence in the reintroduction. so do i corrilate some music to him? yes. does it hurt? im not sure. its very confusing but i listen to it on blast regardless and will most likely have hearing problems by the time im 30 T~T a lot of what ive been listening to on repeat is radiohead which was "our band" and i still think it is. im a very sentimental person and cant/wont diconnect these feelings probably ever. i do this a lot. this time though i havent had the urge to stop listening which is a reliefe because i enjoy the music but also because i think itd hurt me if i found hate or sadness in the music rather than the love and bond we once shared through these songs. something ive been considering is posting a song with every post or at the very least at the end of the week. maybe even a playlist at the end of the month? not sure yet. i think music tatse is something that changes with me all the time so its something worth recording here. oh also i def will post cd hauls here too! i have a small collection started but definetely wanna get more.

lets see i dont read often but my favorite books are alice in wonderland, the warden's daughter, they both die at the end, coraline and currently i am reading solitaire by alice oseman. ive read her heartstopper series and have taken a serious interest in tori's story. for my favorite shows i binge watch shows so often and then forget about them just as fast as i watch them lol. i really like soul eater, downtown, daria, the midnight gospel, the walking dead, initial d, madoka magica, and some others i cant think of right now.

hmm~ i cant really think about anything else to write at the moment, plus ive been typing for awhile and should get to bed, so i think ill end it here.

i dont really expect anyone to read this blog in all honesty but its something i wanna do for myself and if a few people take interest or relate to anything i talk about i think thats enough :)

y’all read that tor.com article right??? the one that was just another “yaoi/omegaverse/whatever is just putting mlm couples into cishet roles”??? this one here. well maybe not but im bored and its annoying me so im gonna make a long post on it

nice ratio did ur MOM pick it out for u??? jk ok

the biggest flaw in this article is, imo, assuming that this is a new, untapped topic of discussion, and not a debate that’s existed since time immemorial - or at least as long as fandom has been a thing. every point the author brings up has been hashed out and rehashed to absolute death, and it brings absolutely nothing new to the table beyond the same bland platitudes and critiques i’ve heard dozens of times. 

this article doesn’t even bring up the boogeyman of the “cishet white girl fetishizing mlm” it’s about queer people writing fanfic, which imo makes it all the more egregious. 

how?????????????? is this not queer???????????????? a lot of this makes me think of the discussion about how gay marriage was less important than other forms of queer liberation bc it just allowed queer folks to assimilate into a cisheteronormative lifestyle. 

the article then goes into how people change the physical attributes of the two men to have them better fit into a “male” and “female” esque role. i think the above sentence was meant more as a lead in to how the two men will be shoehorned into roles based on their physical attributes, which is them being shoehorned into a male/female dynamic, but still. two men In Love is very much queer. actually, lol, tangent but there’s this song “two men in love” that latvian figure skater deniss vasiljevs skated to as an exhibition, and tv channels kept censoring its name, so....

as folks will point out, the Large Top/Small Bottom dynamic is one that actually does exist among some irl queer men. i’m very firmly of the opinion that the only thing queer folks can do to to express cishet norms is by actively working to undermine queer rights and gay lib, anything else a queer couple does is outside cishet norms by virtue of the couple being queer. a queer couple wants a white picket fence suburban life and 2.5 kids??? still queer.

there are two points about this: changing the physical characteristics of two male characters to get them to fit into a large/small top/bottom dynamic is annoying. it’s bad characterization. i still am not 100% sure i’d say it’s forcing mlm couples into cishet norms, bc of what i mentioned earlier. 

i also don’t know if this is something i’ve seen much of recently? maybe i’m just more discerning in what fanfic i choose to read now, and i’m much more likely to go based on recs and not just pick a fanfic and start reading it. the “yaoi hands” debate was old by the time i got online (just about 20 years ago now lmao). 

i think that omegaverse existed to codify a lot of the trashy fandom tropes that existed prior to its inception into one universe. mpreg, self lubricating buttholes (lol), sex pollen, found family/pack dynamics... it started out as a dubcon-y porn trope. idk also queer people wanting babies isn’t cis heteronormative.

not the first person to point this out but this is a significant double standard. why is this an example of positive queer representation but alpha/omega with men is imposing cishet norms on queer relationships? is it just that m/m is more represented in fanfiction while f/f is still relatively rare?  

ok lol i got bored part way through that’s enough of that

i think discussions of representation, as well as just changing attitudes, have meant people try hard to avoid tropes like making all the women screaming banshees, or shoehorning male characters into top/bottom roles, or having the relationship start out.... kind of rapey lol. but individual queer people writing fanfic arent corporations, queer ppl don’t exist to perform activism 24/7, and queer people by definition cannot be cishet

ok thats it

just reblogged a post about DIY shit and like i feel the need to say every skill im learning i can attempt to teach to all of you because like im one of those stubborn assholes whos brain does not work like most so when i teach myself something i really just teach it to myself from scratch. meaning like if those tutorials you see online that are supposed to be easy arent easy i might be able to explain it in a different way that could help bc same 

hey desticule. so i have a supernatural-themed girl best friends story that i’ve wanted to share for a long time, especially because none of my irl friends ever rly understood the gravity of this experience w/o the context of spn. there’s a lot of fun parallels to stuff on the show, and its given me like years of brain rot and therapy lmao. so i really deeply appreciate this page as an outlet, thank you so much to the mods for making it. anyways uh. here goes. sorry it’s so long.

[tw: queer trauma, religious trauma, mental illness]

okay so. in 3rd grade i met this girl. we'll call her kate. we became best friends, as in our names were never spoken separately, we did (and won) every science fair together, she came skiing with my family every winter, i stayed with her family at their beach house in the summers, our younger siblings were friends, etc.

our birthdays were exactly 6 months apart (jan 22/jul 22) so we literally believed that we were celestially intertwined.

we wrote a novel together in 8th grade. her family is baptist, we attended massachusetts catholic schools. i would go to church with her family when i slept over, i held hands and said grace with them at meals. they are all tall and blonde and beautiful. classically angelic. i am south asian. i remember introducing her to harry potter in the 4th grade, her mother hadn't let her read em because it was "blasphemous", but i snuck her my copies and she would read them during lunch n recess and keep them in my locker. sorry this seems like a lot of unnecessary detail but it will be important later.

anyways we both got into doctor who and subsequentally supernatural (s1-8?9 at the time). i specifically remember getting her into supernatural. i also remember her instinctive disdain for destiel when i talked about it, i was showing her a meta or fanfic i think, and i talked her through undoing some of her christian household’s internalized homophobia (fully assuming we were both straight at this point) (we were fucking 12). we'd do the whole "bitch" "jerk" thing, i (the older one) affectionately called her 'sammy', her phone password was dean, mine was cas (and they still are). on my 13th birthday, she gifted me a samulet, which i still wear to this day. (additionally, she gave me a vonnegut 'so it goes' necklace one year) (thats not vital but) (goes to show the extent of my dean coding) (im also an aquarius lmao). im highly protective of her. i carry extra rubber bands on my wrist for her. i keep our money and phones in my jacket when the school takes us skiing. i sit next to her in the halls during lunch and organize her binder. on an 8th grade field trip, a boy made a gross comment at her and i broke his nose.

so we start high school together at coed catholic school nearby, i join debate, make a friend also into spn, she's bi. she asks kate out over text. kate's mom sees this. things turn.

now the rest of these things happened over the course of a couple months and due to my trauma memory loss, i have no idea how accurate some of these memories are so uh. don't hold me to them.

- her highly religious mother is not happy with this obviously. at some point, she brings a priest home and tries to have kate exorcised.

- at this point, we learn that kate is schizophrenic; it never seemed to create noticeable issues before bc her home life and childhood was a perfect happy dream (not an assumption, her words).

- she's still coming to school, sporadically now, i bring home her work, spend hours helping her.

- when she comes to school, she has seizures: sometimes we're fortunate enough that they happen in a class we have together. she freezes up and the teacher empties the room. i refuse to leave. i hold her hand and softly sing her favorite song and sometimes she comes back to me. sometimes she doesn’t and the bell rings and the teacher forces me to leave and let the nurse handle it.

- another time they announce a medical lockdown (to keep ppl out of the hallway if someone is being escorted to an ambulance) while im in catholicism class, i immediately know it’s her; she fainted in the pool during swim team practice.

- i stay awake for 6 days straight bc i read online that sleep deprivation induces some of the same symptoms as schizophrenia and if i could understand what she was going through, i could help her

- she shows up at my house w both of her parents 15 minutes before the winter ball, begs me to go bc her parents will only let her if i go. so i do. her mom lurks by the gym doors with the chaperones. during a slow song, kate and debate girl start to slow dance, i grab our friend’s hand, drag him in front of them so her mom can’t see and make out with him.

- i wanted to tell her to stop but i was too afraid i would lose us, that it would seem like i was homophobic or i was jealous, but i knew her in my marrow and it didn’t seem like she was in love or into the relationship, it was willful self destruction

- we talked in the last few years, she confirmed this.

- at some point, she says she’s sorry she didn’t tell me about the voices before.

- when we talk, she’s not her anymore, she doesn’t remember our inside jokes, our codes, i can feel her being slowly ripped away and apart in real time

- i have a vivid memory of arguing with her and her telling me im not real, that her mind made me up, while occasionally speaking to something? someone? else in the room. i hold her hand and point to the matching thin scars on our thumbs and try to convince her im real.

- she eventually drops out entirely, taken to some mental facility that im not entirely sure wasnt conversion therapy (it was definitely a religious facility) (and conversion therapy was not outlawed in new hampshire until 2019) and im not allowed to see her.

- every now and then i get cryptic distressing emails or texts from her.

- one in particular has the subject, “youandiwalkafragilelineihaveknownitallthistimebutineverthoughtidlivetoseeitbreak” which is the first line of the song ‘haunted’ by taylor swift (our shared favorite)(the summer after this happened we collectively decided we needed a new swift Our Song and chose ‘breathe’). the body of the email read “what the hell have i done”

- i pray for the first time in my life, every single day for a few months, in different languages, at temple with my parents, in the chapel at school

- on a club trip, i get a call at 2am from her, crying, asking me why i didn’t help her, why i didn’t stop her, that it was my job to protect her

here’s something i wrote about her, three yrs after:

I wasn’t careful enough and she caught quickly. She burned so close and so bright that for long afterwards, I could not see. And like that, she was gone. I walked into the chapel. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

[that last line is from the latin version for a catholic prayer called the act of contrition, it translates to “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”]

in the fall, i hear she’s starting at a small baptist school almost an hour from her house. she is dating the principal’s son. the principal is also her pastor.

in my second year of college, i have a bad acid trip in a snowy park in december. i put my hands into the snow and when i look at them,i see blood. i see her body in the snow adorned like it’s a funeral

i still have dreams about her. sometimes i meet her in a grassy field, flying kites and i invite her to my wedding. in others, i catch a glimpse of her ponytail and catholic school skirt and chase her up eight flights of stairs and when i grab her hand, she turns to ash.

at some point in a separate argument w my parents in which they went through my texts and found out i wasn’t straight (amongst other things) my dad says:“i knew i should’ve listened to [kate’s dad] when he told me the things you would talk about. he knew what you are. and he took his daughter away from you.”

last christmas we met up and drove around together, she tells me that for years she thought i hated her for letting me down and for abandoning me, and i literally have the dean winchester in ‘sacrifice’ five stages of grief when sam says “you know what i confessed in there?” because i could not even begin to fathom that she ever blamed herself. it had always been my fault. i had failed to save her. i corrupted her and i failed to save her.

anyways she’s fine now, she’s okay, im okay, we’ve talked and unpacked and we’re alright. but uh. yeah. that happened. the parallels make me crazy. now they can make you crazy too.

‎

1, 2: lol it’s ok anon! i’m glad u found it cuz i would have been no help. my sims puke purple glitter. and ty for the well wishes! :D hope u have a great day too.

3: hmmmm it might be the photoshop version you’re using? cuz i have no idea if later versions are compatible with my actions. i’m not sure how to go about fixing this cuz im still using photoshop cs3 (don’t have the $$ for anything newer) so there’s a fair chance my actions use commands that no longer work the same/at all. there’s not much i can do about this from my end, but if you’re willing to try another program, there’s the GIMP version by @iakoasims​!

4: aww, thank you anon!! it was so sweet of you to send this and to think of us. :D :D :D im sorry this response is so profoundly late!

5: mnope! i’m sorry but i don’t know who that is and don’t have their textures! you should probably ask them about it.

6: oh shit that is TOTALLY my bag!! thank u for letting me know, anon! i will def check it out.

7: i’m sorry anon, i don’t use a lot of facial hair so i can’t be of much help :( i feel like i have seen some facial hair in unnatural colors (not necessarily mine tho idk) but i have no idea where to find it. all i learned from searching for “pookleted beards” is that google is really certain i’m actually looking for “pickled birds.”

8: it’s def not you, anon, i gotta overhaul that whole set of actions cuz my explanation was so opaque and unhelpful that i don’t even remember how to do it. just know that if you export from the brow files i made, you will have a bumpmap to play around with, so any existing tutorials on how to edit bumpmaps should hopefully be helpful for giving them a more dynamic/3d look. i’ve been planning on updating all my eyebrows anyway cuz i mostly use unnatural colors now, so hopefully when i do i can write up a better tutorial! sorry bout that.

9: @cakehatwombat we have an instagram now but it’s kind of sparse cuz of a sudden avalanche of IRL health issues that have been keeping me in bed most of the day, with azayawife too busy takin care of me to do her own doll stuff. but! i had a procedure that will hopefully help with the pain and make it easier to get up and do stuff, both dolls and sims. and omg thank you. being married to azaya is literally my favorite fucking thing in the entire world!! def the goodest, purest thing in my life.

10: oh anon, i’m so sorry to hear that. :( i hope you are doing better in the ridiculously long time i took to answer this. i’ve been sitting on your ask for ages just tryin to figure out what to say. it’s really hard for me to give generalized advice for relationships cuz like ....... this is the only one i’m in. i don’t know how others would work, just how we work. which is by being best friends and having been that for years before we got together. we both wanted to find The One and marry the crap out of them and be attached at the hip all the way to the grave. and it’s cuz we both wanted that from day one that i think it has worked out so well.

like, it’s one thing to change and grow together, something you should definitely do, but it’s another to give your heart to someone who has to change before they’re worthy of it, you know?? if you don’t want the same things going into the relationship, you won’t have a strong enough foundation to build on. it also helped a lot that my psychologist was one of our staunchest supporters, even when very close members of our family were uh .............. less than pleased about us getting queer married. and thought they were doing the right thing by telling us we shouldn’t be together or pointing out perceived flaws that were just rooted in their own homophobic fears. having someone in our corner, someone objective who knew how to spot an unhealthy relationship versus a healthy one and assured us that ours was the latter, made it possible to tune out those family members, tell them that we loved them but that they needed to work out their shit on their own time, and get back to us when they could be a positive, supportive influence in our lives. obvs this is not relevant if u have a family that supports u and yr identity 100% already, but for us it was so crucial.

 so ... yeah. i’m sorry if this was not helpful! i really don’t know how else to answer other than that u should a) be with someone who wants the same kind of relationship that you do, b) have folks outside the relationship that you trust to give you objective feedback, and c) never settle for anything less than someone that you would trust with all the weird shit in your browser history.

welp i saw onward so here’s thoughts

welp i saw onward, the 2020 pixar movie, and honestly? it’s fine. it’s a good movie. i related to it a lot bc of personal life reasons that im not gonna put on the internet (but if youre one of my irl friends/mutuals on here you’d probs know what im talking about hehe vague post abt my life), and basically i liked it a lot. it’s really cute. i’m a sucker for (found) family/sibling bonding genre media and also urban fantasy and this ticks off a lot of boxes for me.

what i would like to do now however is def fire the absolutely tone-deaf disney executive(s) and/or employee(s) of the marketing team that decided to do the thing. in which they, for some reason, announced the cyclops cop character as the uh. what is it? like the 4th or 5th or something “first lgbtq+/gay disney character.” because she’s not. aaaaaaaaa.

since i knew about the controversy beforehand, when the lesbian cyclops cop character came on-screen i kinda cringed a bit. and she’s only in the movie for one scene that’s probably only like 5 minutes. aaaaaand she only brings up her girlfriend once. 

now honestly, i was fine with her single line about having a girlfriend and dealing with her girlfriend’s daughter. i think that it came up in a very natural way in the movie and it was overall just ok. it was def a more direct way, being “this character literally says she has a girlfriend” vs “this character is shown for 5 seconds dancing with another man.” 

if disney’s marketing team hadn’t decided to absolutely fuck up and announce yet another “first ever gay character,” i feel like this moment would have been (for me at least) just a nice little surprise. just a little thought that might be in the back of your mind as you walk out of the movie theater. 

it could have been a “wow this was a nice little surprise in the movie and it was handled in a natural mature way that came up naturally in a conversation, and the movie didnt make a big deal out of it, showing kids in the audience that being queer is just a normal natural thing, like in real life, where queer people just exist and vibe and be alive,” moment.

buuuuuuuut NO. instead they made a big deal out of it and basically, it was a horrible marketing decision. and i feel like this horrible marketing decision is preventing people from giving the movie a try and seeing that it’s a p decent family bonding kids movie that i think deals with loss of a parent and stuff in a nice, p mature for a kids movie way. and that makes me sad. so. yeah. 

(the other criticism that’s “the lesbian character being a cop is bad bc cops hurt the queer community” tho is completely valid, that’s fine. also if you do want to give the movie a chance but dont want to financially support disney/pixar bc of this horrible marketing that’s fine. they’re like billionaires and stuff. im sure its easy to find on pirating sites so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

or just find a family/friend who did buy the movie and borrow their dvd/blu ray/whatever. or, you know, support your local library and see if they have a copy or see if you can order it through your local library branch)

tl;dr pretty decent kids movie, horrible marketing.

anyways slight spoilers but i would like the mom to date the cool minotaur lady instead lol. they were super cute together in the movie lol.

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell​ tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown​ and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now. 

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco. 

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d  u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

I hear ppl say meet other bi ppl irl but how? Im not in school anymore so idk if there are LGBT+ groups around. Im also very shy. How do you just meet people? How do you meet other people who're LGBT let alone make friends or get a girlfriend/boyfriend? Everyone else seem to meet people but even when I was in uni I didn't really meet many. Most people abandon me eventually. I don't want to be alone forever and I want someone who understands me but putting myself out there is also scary

(Same anon about the making other friends who are bi) I'm sorry if my ask didn't make sense. Sorry I'm not trying to bother you. Like I guess I'm just afraid of being alone forever. Especially with relationships considering I'm 24 and never ever had one. (I know I'm pathetic) and idk if it was this blog or another but someone said meet other bi people once and Idk how. And then sometimes I think how I want a gf/bf but I don't know how to find love especially with another woman 

I often recommend to make bi/queer friends and I am aware that that’s an easy thing to say for someone living in Berlin. But the way I found this bi meet up group was basically by googling “bisexualität Berlin” and then I found their website. And I was also scared to go there at first and then I was very shy and didn’t say much the first time I went... but now... I made a couple of friends there.

Sure, depending on where you live this may not be a possibility, but you can still try to make queer friends online. I met a lot of bi people on tumblr, for example Max and KC I met through a mutual fandom and it’s just conincidence that we’re all bi lol

As for never having had a relationship at 24: I’m 27 and I just now have my first romantic partner. I always hated it when people told me “oh you’ll find the right one eventually, don’t worry” - I wish someone had told me that being single is fine. You are not defined by your relationship status! You don’t need a romantic partner to be a complete person. You can have lots of joy in your life and meaningful relationships with friends and family. You don’t have to have romance and/or sex in your life to be happy. It’s a nice addition but it’s not the be all end all goal of life!

Wishing to have these things doesn’t make you pathetic though. We’ve been socialised to want this stuff. And sure, you can try things like online dating. That’s definitly a good way to meet queer women because the question of “is she straight or queer” is already cleared up beforehand. Some people meet their long-term partners online... I tried it and nothing ever came of it but it’s worth giving it a try. (Personally I’d recommend OKCupid, but there are other apps and stuff.)

I also thought for a long time that I’d always be alone and no one would ever fall in love with me.... and then I realised that I don’t need someone else’s love to be worthy of happiness.

Maddie

for the ask meme: all of them, but if thats too much maybe just the last 10?

Sorry for the long post aaaa1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? [I bought lottery tickets bc I was in texas and they’re not legal where I live and the cashier at the gas station didn’t even ask for my id. I tried to show him and he just shook his head and let me go???? He didnt even care wtf]2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? [Nah]3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? [Yea a little bit. I mean if it was just occasionally that’s probably fine? But a lot of my family has fucked up their entire lives with drugs so anything like that is iffy for me. It depends on how often they smoke ultimately]4: Do you find it easy to trust others? [I’d say yeah, probably. As long as you don’t fuck me over or guilt me within the first few weeks of knowing me id probably feel comfortable messaging you if I needed someone to talk to]5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? [Scrolling Tumblr]6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? [Probably my irl bffs lindy and raven!]7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? [Dump them. Adios fucker. I hope they’re happy with whoever they cheated on me with]8: Are you close with your dad? [Yeah I’d say so? I love him and he usually let’s me do my thing]9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? [Nah]10: What are you listening to? [Run by hozier]11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? [Sweet tea!!!! I’m from the south baby]12: Do you like hickeys? [Never has one so I don’t know!]13: What time do you go to bed? [Uhhhhhh 5am?]14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? [My siblings.]15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? [Nope I fuck up spelling a lot and have to go back and fix it no matter how many hands I’m typing with]16: Do you always answer your texts? [I try!! Unless I’m emotionally tired or forget]17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? [No. She’s my best friend now, actually]18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? [LIKE 3 MINUTES AGO I was complaining about how long it car ride home is]19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? [My irlbest friends, the cars discord chat I’m in, and a lot of my wk friends]20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? [I was writing ducktales fanfiction in my head]21: Is anyone else in the room with you? [I’m in a car with my mom for the next uhhh 7 hours?]22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? [Karmas a bitch]23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? [I was visiting family in Indiana, so yea probably? Tho I am pretty happy now too]24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? [Sometimes, with my old pal cat. She did some bad things so I stopped talking to her, but sometimes I want to catch up and see how she’s doing.]25: In the past week, have you cried? [YEAH over a darkwing duck episode]26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? [Grey. It has Mickey mouse on it!]27: Do people ever call you by your last name? [Noooope]28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? [I wouldn’t know]29: Do you have a best friend? [YEAH everyone in the cars discord and raven and lindy]30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? [No it was my great grandma lol]31: Who was your last call/text message from? [Call: red cross asking for my blood. Text: raven saying “dang”]32: Are you mad at anyone? [Not really? I don’t get angry very easily at all]33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? [When I was a freshman I was dating a junior]34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? [My great grandma! 88 I think]35: How many more days until your birthday? [LIKE a whole entire year. August 2nd]36: Do you have any summer plans yet? [Help my friend after her spine surgery p much. Visit family around the 4th of july]37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? [I have tons of girl friends!! All my best friends are girls (except em but they’re a good friend still!!!)]38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? [Lindy doesn’t know I’m trans]39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? [Uhhhhhhhhhhh next question]40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? [I try not to regret things like that]41: Do you think age matters in relationships? [UH YEAH?? An adult dating a minor ain’t my deallll]42: Are you available? [Lmfao yeah but don’t hold your breath I’m awful at relationships]43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? [My ex and bff dksdkdiajsai kill Me. I’ve had small crushes but I don’t rly let them grow too much if I realize they’re poppin up]44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? [Septum]45: Do you believe exes can be friends? [Yeah!!!!! I just reconnected with my ex from freshmen year and he’s cool]46: Do you regret anything? [Times where my mouth moved before my head could think and I hurt someone I cared about. Times where I didn’t listen. Times where I hesitated. But the past is a different country, and I try not to waste the present lamenting what I could’ve done.]47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? [Home. And the mistakes I’ve made.]48: Did you ever lose a best friend? [Yeah. She moved away and we just… talked less, and less, and less.]49: Was your last kiss a mistake? [Nah it was my great grandma]50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? [They have a bf and also dont like me plus im unlovable and bad at relationships and feelings *shrug emoji* the other person I’m interested in lives too far away and also doesn’t like me like that]51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? [Twas my gg and probably when I was a baby]52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? [All these last kiss ones are so angsty and sad and it was literally my grandma 5 hours ago I’m laughing]53: What was the last thing you ate? [McDonald’s French fries!!!!!]54: Did you get any compliments today? [Nah I’m in my road trip attire so I look like a mess]55: Where are you going on your next vacation? [New Orleans in October for voodoo fest!! Gonna see the foo fighters B)]56: Do you own anything from other countries?[I think I have Canadian money somewhere…]57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?[girls!!]58: Where have you lived most of your life?[Sweet Home Alabama]59: When was the last time you took a long drive?[DOING IT RN!!!!! 13 HOURS]60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?[yea but it was like, mashed up with truth or dare. Instead of kissing we asked them truth or dare]61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?[nah I’m pretty mild]62: Who do you text the most?[raven probably? Or max]63: What was the last movie you saw?[spirited away I think??? First time I ever saw it]64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?[I’m single, don’t remind me :P]65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?[I was 12 and right smack dab in the middle of my ugly awkward phase (thays still going on today!) So I had none lmao]66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?[nah]67: Do you curse around your parents?[GOOD LORD NO]68: Are you happy with where you live?[I? Hate Alabama. My city is okay but I want to move somewhere nicer]69: Picture of yourself? [I have a selfie tag. I would upload but I’m lazy. Maybe if I find a pic I like later I will]70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?[polyamory All the wayy!!!!! But monogamy is cool too]71: Have you ever been dumped?[probably in elementary school but I don’t remember? I usually am the one to end it bc I get freaked out and skittish around people genuinely caring about me so I break it up before they’re disappointed]72: What do you most like about making out?[being comfortable and close enough with someone to do it.]73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?[yup!]74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?[depends? I’ve asked to kiss someone and I’ve been asked equal amounts.]75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?[eyes? Idk there’s a lot that goes into finding someone attractive it’s hard to narrow it down]76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?[my mom]77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?[virgin]78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?[virgin]79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?[Any cartoon character I’m currently hyperfixated on]80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?[yes. But i would go slow and I wouldn’t want to meet their child until we were both sure this was something we wanted long term.]81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?[no its usually me? Wait i take that back!! One girl did while I was in hs but I’m pretty sure she only did it bc she just figured out her sexuality and I was queer and there.]82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?[nope I bottle that shit up!!!! But if it’s a long standing crush I’ll tell a few people eventually]83: Do you miss your last sweetie?[No.]84: Last time you slow danced with someone?[my friend Franklin at prom. We pretended to be spies on a mission forced to act casual as we scoped out potential enemies]85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?[??? Don’t like the skeptical quote marks. I’ve been in long distance relationships before, yes.]86: How can I win your heart?[just like…… be nice to me, ever, and I’m into it. Talk about things you like, ask me about things I like, try and get into/understand my interests and I’ll do the same?? Don’t make fun of me and don’t belittle my interests. The bar is low]87: What is your astrological sign?[leo]88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?[sleeping]89: Do you cook?[pasta!!!!!!!]90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?[yeah!!! 3 years of no talking and I reconnected with max recently]91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?[uh it’s complicated. Yes but idk if I’m in a good place for a relationship. I haven’t even begun to transition at all.]92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?[you say that like I could get multiple people to date me]93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?[nice dress style?? Glasses are good too. Idk questions like this are hard augh]94: Name four things that you wish you had![money, a job, plush darkwing duck toy, a car]95: Are you a player?[no]96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?[nooooope]97: Are you a tease?[hahahahaha no]98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?[nope!!! Not yet]99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?[maybe. But I don’t think you can love someone too deeply who doesn’t love you back]100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?[sure, plenty]101: Hugs or Kisses?[both??? Both is good]102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?[It’s Not shyness, it’s rejection I have a problem with]103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?[girls are pretty]104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?[Yeah I guess]105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?[If it was an open relationship and everyone knew the situation, then yea prob?? If not, then no.]106: Do you flirt a lot?[not really]107: Your last kiss?[my grandmaaaaa]108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?[not in a romantic way]109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?[not in a romantic way]110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?[next question]111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?[nope!! It’s a hopefully nice surprise for future me]112: Does someone like you currently?[probably not lol but ive got no idea!!]113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?[sure]114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?[I want to fall in love.]115: Ever made out with just a friend?[yeah]116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?[in a relationship I think?]117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.[just send me an ask and ill answer it]

This got a bit of self hatred dashed in there whoops sorry!!!

no one asked but heres some more show choir au (under the cut. sorry mobile users lol tumblr needs to update the mobile app)

also these are messages sent to @illbeursafety​ *finger guns*

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now imagine that they make it to #NATIONALS like dallons impressed with himself cuz he wasnt taking the club seriously AT ALL like he was only doing it just so brendon would crawl out of his ass but he makes friends in there and its like a big ol' family and hes like

hes emo because he just never like

he found something that he didnt know was missing, as corny as that sounds

like he didnt know he was lonely didnt really get that he didnt have friends and didnt understand  what it felt like to belong

like sure he kind of had that in band because hey hes good at his instrument whatever that is but it felt too like. not that fun to him. he didnt LOVE it

and he walks into show choir expecting to fucking HATE it like "lol this is what all the queers do isnt it" but he doesnt like he doesnt immediately hate it

and after hes #chosen to be next to brendon in competitions like singing duets with him and being the other lead hes like. for one thing he isnt used to the attention he isnt used to so many people believing in him and looking up to him and he isnt used to actually being able to show everyone that, hey, hes talented

like ok sure objectively brendons still wildly more talented than he is but damn [[side note: i dont mean irl i am staying out of that mess i love urie and weekes both they are my daddies but thats how this au is going ok]]

over time he starts CARING about it

like at first he just half assed it and that got them through the state competition and BRENDON crawls up his ass like NO you have to put your ALL into this like a chain is only as strong as its weakest link

so when the like. i think nevada is in the pacific southwest region so when that specific region's competition comes up he actually goes for it and when they win hes like. gobsmacked because it ust?? feels so good to finally win ? like he actually worked for it this time instead of coasting by on his looks and talent

its so satisfying to him and hes like GOD DAMN IT I LOVE SHOW CHOIR like its just one of those things that he neer thought he'd love so much u know

anyways like

nationals

imagine after their last number theyre on stage and dallon and brendon are standing next to each other in the front of the group bc the last number was one of those PHENOMENAL show stopper sort of numbers like they had wicked choreography urie and dallon both belted out a bunch of gr8 notes

//You have to take a minute to close your eyes.

It's actually more like thirty seconds, since there’s, like, three other choirs that need to perform this evening, but that thirty seconds feels more like an eternity to you.

You can sense that Brendon's nearby, and, really, it's not so much as you're sensing that, but more like you know he's there, because that's where he's supposed to be. The number finishes with you and Brendon doing some sort of Superman pose next to each other, looking powerful and dynamic. 

The cheering of the crowd, which isn't a big one, by the way, sounds like white noise. If you weren't having a moment you'd probably have to be putting in earplugs, since they're just so loud, but, like you said, it's white noise. You're overwhelmed.

You're drenched in sweat, your hair is sticking to your forehead in the most uncomfortable way, and you're pretty sure that if your briefs were any further ridden up your butt crack right now, you'd be split in half. You can already feel the soreness in your throat from all the high notes you've been belting out for the past fifteen minutes, you can feel the way your muscles are aching from the rigorous dance routines, the way your brain is overloading from trying to sing while moving--which, even after nine months, you still ind difficult--and the real kicker to all of this is that you're pretty sure that this, right here, is the best moment of your life.//

WHAT FUCKING HURTS DALLON THOUGH IS THAT ITS OVER

FOR THE YEAR AT LEAST

like the competition season is over and theres only a few weeks until the school year is over and he literally like. spends a lot of the summer wondering if hes gonna be bale to do all of that over again the next year

but he can like after he auditions again and after he walks into the choir room for the first time the next year hes like yeah. this is it. until i graduate this is what im doing.

then scatter in brallon throughout that and bam u got it