#again I’m shitty at chess
Text
Reading some descriptions of Kirk chess strategy summons the ghost of my ex boyfriend who starts lecturing (academic) me on chess.
#mine#it’s kinda funny tbh#I’ll just be reading fanfiction and then bam#memory of him explaining chess strategy to me#it’s very specifically when people go#Kirk Is Illogical and Playing Randomly#a little is fine a lot is not#chess is a complex game and like#it’s not necessarily about predicting the next move#it’s more like#uhhhh I’m bad at chess okay m#but when I play and typically lose#it feels like I am falling into traps#which is basically what happens#like I wish more descriptions were about Kirk Avoiding Traps#and then if he did THAT in unpredictable ways that negated responses etc#again I’m shitty at chess#I’m just letting the ghost of my ex boyfriend flow thru me#he’s still alive btw
1 note
·
View note
Text
— NEW MEMORIES
PAIRING — Erik Lehnsherr x fem!Mutant!Reader
SUMMARY — You're excited to celebrate holidays for the first time in a long time and you prepare the school for Christmas and Hanukkah but your husband's attitude differs, which leads to an argument. You accidentally reveal too soon that you're expecting, which ruins a surprise.
AUTHOR’S NOTE — As usual, Reader’s mutation is NOT specified. I checked online Hanukkah's date for 1973 and I hope it showed me right that it started December 19th, which means it would overlap with Christmas. I also tried not to specify if Reader would celebrate only Hanukkah with Erik or Christmas, too, so I hope it's not very exclusive, because I imagine that even if she is not a Christian or Jewish, she would still want to celebrate Hanukkah because of her husband. In this fic, Erik and Reader are both teachers at Xavier's School, probably after Days of Future Past happened but with less shitty ending for Erik 😂 I also wanted to write a part when the baby is born but I decided the time difference between the scenes would be too big so I'll just write another fic 😁
WARNINGS — mentions of parents' death (Reader's backstory is similar to Jean Grey's)
WORD COUNT — 2,220
ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.
NEW MEMORIES
December has never been your favourite time of the year. Most of the time it was a reminder that you weren’t normal, that your life wasn’t usual and that whatever all these people in Christmas commercials had was out of your reach.
But in 1973, for the first time in your life, you were actually excited. And since Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters was open again, you had plenty of people to share your excitement with. Lots of students volunteered to help you with decorating the place for the upcoming Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations. That year was one of those when the two of them overlapped.
After all your classes on Friday, you worked on yet another room of the house with the help of a few students. When you finished it was almost ten pm so you told them goodnight and went straight to your bedroom. Erik was already there, reading a history book and making notes.
“What is it about?” you asked him with a smile as you began to take off your clothes. You were so tired that you decided to take a shower in the morning and now just change into pajamas.
“Napoleonic wars,” your husband answered without looking up. “I have a feeling he might have been one of us.”
“Aren’t we, like, a product of this century?” you asked and put a nightgown on. “Come on, it’s late, let’s go to sleep,” you stood behind him and placed your hands on his shoulders.
“I’ve only just begun,” he explained. “I need these notes for Monday.”
When you managed to convince Erik to join you at school and teach history, he was unsure about it but he promised to give it a try. Just like you promised you would leave with him to live in peace somewhere else if he wouldn’t like the life at Charles’ school. But one semester later he was already very engaged in his work. Students respected him although you could see that they were also a bit scared of him, which was understandable.
“You’ve just begun?” you laughed a little.
“I was playing chess with Charles earlier,” Erik answered with a nod and hummed after underlining a line in the book.
“Is this why you’re so tense?” you asked as you slightly squeezed his stiff shoulders. “Did you lose?”
“I’m not tense,” he tried to shake you off.
“Talk to me, Erik. It’s not gonna work if you refuse to talk to me,” you reminded him sternly and he sighed before putting the pencil down and closing the book. “We need to be open about what is bothering us, you promised me we’d make it work this time,” you added.
“Yes, I know. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” Erik turned his head around to look at your face. You took a step back and furrowed your brows.
“What do you mean, Erik?” you asked.
He hesitated before saying anything and a million of possible scenarios started to come up to your mind.
“You don’t like it here?” You inquired. “You want us to move out?”
“No, it’s not about that… But…” Erik swallowed thickly and took a deep breath in. “I don’t like what you’re currently doing. I’m sorry. I don’t want to take your happiness out of it.”
“What am I currently doing?” you couldn’t understand what he was saying.
“Christmas and Hanukkah preparations,” he explained and you blinked a few times as your brain needed to process that information.
“Wait, what?!” you raised your voice a little. You didn’t want to scold him for expressing his feelings but you just couldn’t understand his reaction. “We’re going to celebrate for the first time in such a long time, and what’s more important, we’re not gonna be alone in this. We have our friends and students here. For the first time December is a positive time of the year to me… to us,” you tried to explain your point of view nervously. Erik was only looking at you and blinking slowly, patiently waiting for you to finish. “But I don’t do it for myself. I mostly am doing it for you, Erik. I wanted you to be happy, too. I wanted you to enjoy something that had been taken away from you a long time ago.”
“It reminds me of Hanukkahs with my parents,” he finally spoke up and you pursed your lips for a moment before opening your mouth again.
“So you don’t want to ever celebrate again?” you asked to be sure.
“No, I don’t think so,” he shook his head.
“Why can’t you let yourself be happy, why are you torturing yourself further? I don’t get it, I’m sorry,” you tried not to be irritated but you felt utterly disappointed. You sat on the edge of your bed and hid your face in your hands.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be a killjoy.”
“Too late,” you murmured, fighting your tears back.
“I know that most of the students will be celebrating. I think I’ll just leave for a week somewhere. I have already discussed it with Charles and he said there are a few things I can do for him at that time,” Erik’s voice sounded casual like he was discussing business for you.
“You want to leave us during Christmas time?” you moved the hands off of your face and looked up at him angrily.
“(Y/N), please, I don’t want to fight about it…” Erik sighed. “Why can’t you just understand that I don’t want to…” he clenched his jaw and looked away. “I don’t want to create new memories like this because it would remove the ones I already have… with my mother.”
“And you think she wouldn’t want you to celebrate holidays with your new family? You don’t think she’d want you to be happy?” you stood up and looked down at him. You felt like a bitch but his explanation made you even angrier.
“I don’t know what she’d want because she’s dead!” He stood up and raised his voice.
“So, I won’t be able to celebrate ever?! Because you don’t want to create new memories?” you put your hands on your hips.
“I’m not forbidding you to celebrate.”
“I don’t want to celebrate without you, don’t you understand?!” you yelled and rolled your eyes. “And when our child is born, you won’t celebrate Hanukkah with them either?” you asked and then you closed your mouth quickly. Your anger made you reveal a few things too early.
“What child?” you could see Erik’s face becoming pale within a second. “(Y/N)?”
“It was supposed to be a Christmas surprise… But since you won’t even be here, I guess I can tell you now,” you shrugged your arms. “I’m pregnant,” you announced and turned around to avoid looking at his face. You were scared of his reaction.
You didn’t know how long it took him to finally do something. Was it a very long minute or was it ten minutes of a heavy silence between you two…?
“(Y/N), I’m sorry,” he finally whispered. Apologizing wasn’t his strong trait. You sensed him standing behind you and putting his hand on your shoulder shyly. You didn’t push him away but you didn’t lean back towards him as usual either. “For how long do you know?”
“Two weeks. It’s the second month,” you answered, your eyes focused on the wall in front of you as you tried to fight the tears back. “Are you even happy?” you dared to ask and your lower lip trembled because asking it out loud made your heart break.
You were trying to give him a normal life, to give him family and happiness, joy around Christmas time and all that. But he seemed to prefer to dwell on his past. You didn’t expect him to forget about his mother or about the pain, of course not. Your past wasn’t exactly pleasant either. But you wanted to be happy despite that, you wanted to have a family, you wanted a new start in life, another chance.
“Of course I am,” Erik answered and gently turned your body around so you would face him. However, you tried to avoid his eyes. “But I’m terrified,” he confessed.
“And you think I am not?” you looked up eventually as a few tears rolled down your cheeks. “I’m a monster, Erik. You think I’m not scared of hurting them by accident?” you asked.
When you were about twelve years old, you caused your parents’ death after having an argument with them. Your powers were out of control and you were locked in a mental institution for underage girls by people who didn’t understand that you weren’t crazy nor really dangerous. That was where you met the person who made you realize who you were and who was the only person there who wouldn’t treat you like a monster; although that was the word you could easily call him with. His name was Sebastian Shaw – but he introduced himself as Doctor John Smith. He was experimenting on you for a few years and although it had been a traumatic experience, you learnt how to control your mutation thanks to him. That was also how you met Erik – he found you not so long after you turned eighteen years old and left the institution. You started to work as a waitress and he was hunting for the man who had used your pain and suffering to perform experiments on you to deepen his knowledge about the various mutations. You decided to join Erik because your life didn’t seem to have any purpose anyway.
“You’re not a monster,” he sighed and pulled you closer to wrap his arms around you. With one of his hands he held the back of your head and caressed your hair. “You were just a child and now you’re older, you can control your powers. You’re extraordinary,” he whispered the words of comfort and kissed your forehead. “I’m not scared about you hurting our baby, I would never. I trust you with my life,” he assured you and it was comforting to hear that.
“Creating new memories doesn’t wipe out the old ones,” you cried out and pressed your face deeper into his chest. “Believe me, I wish it worked this way. I wish I could forget. I begged Charles to make me forget but he refused to do it to me,” you confessed and Erik raised your chin to make you look at him again. He hadn’t known about that before.
“You haven’t told me that,” his face was full of pain and worry.
“It was when you were in jail. I begged Charles to remove all the pain, the memory of my parents, the memory of Shaw… Even you. I begged him to even remove you from my head. But he told me I wouldn’t be myself any longer. He was right and I hate that. I hate that what I am is made of pain and suffering,” you sniffled. “That’s why I want to make good memories so badly, do you understand? I want to celebrate with you like we never have before. I want to laugh and feel safe. Like I belong somewhere, surrounded with friends and students, with my husband by my side and my baby growing inside of me. Do you understand my point of view now, Erik?” you bit on your trembling lip.
“Yes, my liebling, I do,” he nodded and leaned in to kiss your forehead and then the tip of your nose, which made you giggle through the tears, until eventually he pecked your lips.
“But I don’t want to force you either,” you sighed. Now, when all your emotions were finally out and you calmed yourself down, you decided there was no point in pushing him into something that would make him feel uncomfortable. “If you don’t want to celebrate, it’s alright. We both have our right to deal with whatever that has happened to us in our own ways. I’ll still have fun with all the rest, don’t worry about me,” you assured him.
“No, you were right. About me choosing to torture myself instead of allowing myself to enjoy my life,” Erik caressed your cheek and you cracked a smile. “And I can’t miss my child’s first Hanukkah either.”
“I want them to have a happy childhood,” you told him. “Like we never had.”
“I know. I do, too,” Erik placed his hand on your belly and caressed it gently, like it was made of glass. “I will protect them from everything, I promise. No human will hurt our baby.”
You smiled at him and cupped his face before leaning in to give him a proper kiss this time.
But you didn’t tell him that what you feared more than humans hurting your child was actually the child turning out to be perfectly normal. You were afraid that a man so prejudiced towards humans as your husband wouldn’t love his child fully if they weren’t a mutant. You couldn’t tell him that, though. You didn’t want to fight with him anymore that night. Instead, you just kissed him. After all, you’d still have a few years before you’d find out if the baby was a mutant or not.
MASTERLIST
299 notes
·
View notes
Text
Some language and translation trivia from episode nagi
So, I recently reread episode nagi 1-3 in japanese, and since I enjoy translation trivia a lot, I thought I would compile all my observations in a post. Please don’t take this too seriously! While I do have a language degree, I’m not a professional translator. In no way this is meant as a dig towards the professionals working on the official release! These are just some fun facts I thought I’d share.
without further ado, let’s delve into it!
On top of his already limited (kinda childish) vocabulary, Nagi’s speech bubbles often forgo complex kanji and favor writing the words out in hiragana. He sometimes does the same with (foreign) words that should be written out in katakana (example: Barou’s beloved “king”). We know this is a quirk of Nagi’s because he sometimes uses kanji for the same words. The most notable example is his favorite one, mendoukusai, “hassle”—mostly written in hiragana, sometimes shortened, sometimes elongated for dramatic, whiny emphasis, and rarely written out in kanji.
Since kanji are taught by grade in japanese schools, the foregoing them in a certain character’s lines can hint that the guy doesn’t have a higher education. However, in Nagi’s case, I think it’s meant to make him come across as unsophisticated or a bit childish. Or maybe just lazy. I think the former, though, considering how all his compliments always circle back to the same, like, 4 juvenile variations of "amazing".
(more under a cut for length):
Still on the topic of speech patterns, Nagi talks in plain form. For those who don't know what that means, it's an informal register, very common between teens. Nagi seems to use it with his elders, too, though, and that's a bit less common. You're supposed to talk in polite form to strangers and to your elders. Then again, pretty much everyone in blue lock talks that way. There's not a lot of respect for your elders in this series. Or for your peers, lol
As for Reo, he talks in male speech! Still very much informal and common, particularly between rowdy teens, but if plain form can still be acceptable in a lot of social situations, male speech is distinctly cocky, self-confident and impolite, so not what you'd expect from the distinguished heir of a billionaire who prides himself as a businessman in the making, ahah. He talks that way to Ego as well, btw.
Both of them tend not to use honorifics. Reo more so. In all three volumes, Reo used them once, to calm Nagi down while he was angry at Barou. Nagi mostly goes without too, but he sometimes uses them, when the situation calls for it, or a bit ironically. If you're curious, here's what I noticed: he uses "san" for Baa-ya when talking to her (when he leaves Choki in her care), but not when he's talking to Reo about her. He calls Zantetsu "dentist-san" when the latter drops his backstory, and "Zantetsu-kun" when the guy scores after listening to Reo's advice. And when all three finally link up, Nagi tacks on a "sama" to Reo's name while calling him a king (in the chess sense. Fun fact, it might or might not have been a pun, since Reo's name contains the kanji for king btw). That's pretty much it for epinagi so far. He just uses surnames without honorifics (or nicknames) for everyone else normally. Same for Reo.
When talking to Nagi, Reo refers to his mother as 母親 (hahaoya, "mom") and to his father as 親父 (oyaji, "old man, pops") and クソ親父 (kuso oyaji, "shitty old man") respectively. Idk if that changes when he's talking to them tho, as he hasn't yet in epinagi. But so far his contempt seems to be only directed at his father.
Upon seeing Kira, Reo describes him as "Japan's gem", but the word he uses for "gem" is 宝 (takara), treasure, pretty much the same he uses for Nagi (= 宝物 takaramono, or treasured thing, prized possession). Hence Nagi looking up, unimpressed:
To check out what the fuss was about. His face dhsvbdhdhdhsbs When Nagi thinks Reo's talking about Isagi, then, Reo corrects him by pointing his face toward Kira and saying not the dark-haired one, but that "really good looking guy". He calls him an ikemen btw, lmao.
I'm not sure if this was in the eng version too, but Reo calls Nagi and Zantetsu's team up the "neet combo". It's pretty self-explanatory how this relates to Nagi, but I wonder what about Zantetsu screamed "neet" to him.
When Zantetsu adamantly refuses to take Reo's advice, Reo gets super mad and calls him "obaka-sama", which. I can't with his pettiness ahah. Okay, let me explain. He's tacking on an honorific prefix ("o") and the highest honorific suffix ("sama") to an insult. 😂😂 Normally, you use honorifics to pay respect to and elevate the status of whatever or whoever you're tacking them on to. In this case, Reo's using them sarcastically, but he goes extra out of the way to be scathing. Zantetsu hates being called an idiot, but Reo feels he's acting unreasonable with his holier-than-thou attitude, so he upgrades his regular insult to mock that, basically. He's more or less saying, "oh great, revered moron".
Not a linguistic trivia, but. Nagi has a weekly planner for his bread eating habits. The day Reo joins his class to spy on him was a tuesday, cause tuesdays are melon bread days.
When he's making a confident remark, Reo occasionally speaks with a sing-song in his voice.
During the match against team X, Barou mocks Reo and Nagi's coordination and mutual dependence with a jab. He calls them a couple who wear matching outfits. Still laughing about this one tbh
now onto my favorite one
Ever wondered why Nagi’s response here doesn’t come across as reassuring to Reo? Well, I think I have finally figured it out!
While the translation above is 100% correct, I feel like the miscommunication lies in a matter of contextual ambiguity. When Reo says, quote, “You were supposed to team up with me,” in japanese it’s more like, “But teaming up with me is a must!” To which Nagi replies, “You and I are going to be the best in the world. That’s a must.”
The theme (=what is being talked about) of Reo’s sentence is the “must” (zettai) part. Meaning, something that is absolute, unconditional. Reo is making a conjecture, the assumption that they’ll work with each other as they promised, but he’s also implicitly expecting Nagi to agree. He’s saying our combo is the unchangeable condition here. You know this.
Nagi responds with something he means as reassuring, as a confirmation that he has their promise in mind. But since he echoes Reo’s word choice (zettai), and applies it to something else, it comes across wrong, more like he’s correcting Reo on what the “must” actually is. Not teaming up with each other until the end like Reo posits, but the simple agreement that they’ll be world class one day. With or without each other.
This miscommunication is made worse by the fact that Reo’s declared ego is making Nagi the best striker in the world. So when Nagi follows this with a remark about how their team up wasn’t the strongest, Reo of course takes the “correction” to mean “someone else can better help me become the best instead of you. bye. nice hanging out with you till now. see you at the world cup, xoxo”
Simply put, Nagi thought he was explaining himself, but what he got across was that he was rejecting Reo’s ego altogether and moving on. That’s why the art then shows Reo’s ego chains falling apart.
When Bachira asks Nagi if he’s secretly the “super cold type” right after leaving for the 3v3, in japanese it’s a neat, direct callback to the scene in chapter 2 where Nagi tells Reo he's okay with him teaming up with someone stronger than himself, and Reo calls that “heartless.” Both times the word used is the same, 薄情 (hakujou), cold-hearted, heartless, though iirc it was translated differently in english
They both say they feel lonely after their split up. Nagi in response to Bachira’s line as per the previous point (here’s a post I made about it a while back). And Reo when he thinks about Nagi’s change in chapter 13 and says he feels lonely, scared and weak. I will go down with the idea that they’re each other’s first friend.
Ending this on a less sad note, when Rin calls Bachira “bowlcut”, the original phrasing reads okappa, from the mythical creature’s hairstyle. Now please google what an okappa looks like, lmao
__
More epinagi language and translation trivia you might enjoy:
notes on Nagi’s line “I’m gonna say something selfish”
notes (and misconceptions) about Nagi and Reo calling each other “partner”
#Blue lock#Nagi seishirou#Mikage reo#Seishiro nagi#Reo mikage#Episode nagi#Epinagi#Bllk thoughts#I hope this is as fun to read as it was for me to compile!
92 notes
·
View notes
Text
Gideon the Ninth Reaction - Chapter 28
i wont lie Colum is giving off such Kronk from The Emperor’s New Groove vibes in this chapter
for a second i was like ‘why did Gideon go to see Teacher?? Mystery??!1?’ and then i realised that she just needed directions. i get the feeling i am way too suspicious about everything except the stuff i should be suspicious about
wow Silas is really buying into the whole Emperor cult vibes thing, yikes. also this feels like the first proper mention of him in a while, despite him being the guy who kicked the whole plot off and all the characters technically living in his house, he’s been kind of a non-entity so far
oh shit Glaurica and Ortus are dead?? but Silas is almost definitely wrong here about Harrow planting a bomb for Gideon, she was actively trying to get Gideon not to leave in the shuttle, but also very much did not want Gideon as her cavalier instead of Ortus. so either she was playing some kind of 4-dimensional-mind-chess game to get Gideon to be her cavalier (which i highly doubt) or i really don’t think she was aware of the bomb at all
ok, although i could be wrong, but i’m pretty certain (as in i saw spoilers about this, my own fault) that Harrow’s parents did in fact kill off the other Ninth kids in order to make Harrow a more powerful necromancer. what i didn’t realise though was that Gideon was apparently wasn’t aware of this at all
but even that leaves the question as to why Gideon didn’t die - maybe she just wasn’t needed? but then there’s the fact that Gideon was pretty much ok after the soul-siphoning thing, so maybe its something to do with Gideon herself?
also wasn’t there one other kid who survived, an older boy? what happened to that dude
i mean again as someone living in student housing, vent bacteria does actually feel very capable of affecting teenagers 💀
‘since when was power goodness, or cleverness truth’ Silas for someone who’s so into ethics you’re kinda a shitty person i won’t lie.
does Gideon even have her and Harrow’s keys at this point? i honestly can’t remember
Colum and Silas’s relationship imploding as Gideon just stands there like that awkward fox image
from Colum’s speeches here its really interesting to get a cavalier perspective different from Gideon, from someone who isn’t effectively faking it - that is, someone who has spent their whole life with the sole purpose of being secondary, devoting everything they are, to someone else. but the cavaliers, including Colum, are still their own individuals with their own opinions and moral codes, and that’s really coming into conflict here
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
I listened to The Summit audio (part 3) and here’s my favourite personal comments/thoughts! (Erik sleep with one eye fucking open.)
Yeah istg Porter if it’s a joke or something I will strangle you until your eyes pop out like a looney toon character.
Damn. I’ll sit 🙏
I mean they both got beheaded. What’s with Bad vampires getting beheaded??
Again. Why are they so jabby.
HUH??? WILLIAM WHAT NOW. WHY HOW HUH????
Banishment. What other definition of banishment is there 😕
OH SHIT HE WAS A SECRET SPY KINDA SHIT? Treasure be fucking around with a spy 😭
William is a two faced bitch confirmed?? (Jokes promise, I always thought William is such an interesting character from his first video and this proves it.)
HE ORDERED YOU TO WHAT. HOW DID YOU GET DEMON BLOOD THEN??
Oh my god he killed them for their property and money. I mean like probably not just that but still. William come on. 😕
Yes Porter, I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS?? MANY FUCKING QUESTIONS
No, I figured that. HOW DID YOU GET DEMON BLOOD PORTER?
Erik is having a FIELD DAY writing this.
Porter i’m not saying it was wrong to kill them, but maybe don’t kill them 😊
Mmm yk what i smell, Corruption.
Holy shit there could’ve been ANOTHER Inversion??
Vincent. Vincent do you hear yourself?
So it’s like, whoever kills each other first.
They all supported it, God this is so fucked up 😭
A fucked up game of chess, a really fucked up game of chess.
God I’m imagining the fanfics on Ao3 after this audio.
Let’s just not become vampires. It seems so shitty. Like what fucking benefits are there.
“Sometimes that involves killing, sometimes it doesn’t. I act in service of the House of Solaire and its interests, whatever form that takes.” Treasure. Treasure dearest. PLEASE RUN.
LIKE DON’T GET ME WRONG, Porter is such an interesting character, I wanna pick his brain. BUT Treasure needs to BOOK IT.
Vincent.. I'm so sorry. Lovely give him a kiss and a hug. I’m imaging the audio after this, like the aftershock videos.
I’m sorry the way he said moustache 😭
Vincent.. VINCENT 💔 God someone don’t tell Sam too unless he knows somehow.
Thank you Porter, talk your sassy ass into his heart.
“He loves you, Vincent. He loves you enough to not want you to get your hand dirty.” SHUT UP SHUT UP
I’M GONNA START SOBBING
“He knows he never should’ve turned you. You are his biggest regret.” I’m gonna throw myself off a cliff.
I’m done, I'm done, LIKE I KNEW THAT WAS HAPPENING ABOUT THE REGRET. BUT OH MY GOD DOES IT HURT LIKE A BITCH HEARING IT STRAIGHT UP.
“Play nice.” It’s giving the same energy as “Down Boy.”
Porter.. PORTER NO 😭 god they all need therapy. All of them.
His genuine care for Vincent, Porter, Sam, Alexis and Lovely. Questionable dad of the year check!!
“I drove, obviously.” Porter. 😒
No actually we do have time for your past, you just made Vincent rethink his.
“That’s the story of Porter Solaire. Bad, Worse, Better.” Now is it going to be good or horrible? Again Treasure tread lightly.
What happened Porter, What happened to you? 😕
JUMPED YOU??? Oh Porter dearest. Oh Porter..
NO PORTER.. PORTER. 😭
“Now that they were mine to command.” “Make the new life for myself i’ve always wanted-” Watch me scream, WATCH ME SCREAM.
WAIT NO THE “he sees me as a friend and you as a child. HIS child” HURTS MORE. SO MUCH MORE.
After all William did for Porter, and now Porter saw that Vincent was given everything and more but threw it away out of anger. He got mad, Because as Porter said multiple times, Vincent never felt what he felt. And to see Vincent be cared for more, even if Porter was willing to do anything for William. OH MY GOD 😭
Porter, Thank you. I’m glad you both are healing in a way.
#erik#you think you're so fucking funny#WHAT WAS THAT#OH MY GOD#i think just went through the stages of grief.#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted summit#redacted porter#redacted vincent#redacted monarchal summit#washa rants!!
26 notes
·
View notes
Note
ok so the way you’re into ethanmax. i’m into ilsalane. i mean. the dynamic. SOMETHING happened there
I agree that there’s SOMETHING happening….thank you so much for this ask, it is very fun and interesting!!! I have to warn you I don’t think we’re going to agree necessarily, but I hope you’ll find my thoughts interesting and I would love to hear your perspective
My opinions on Ilsa/lane as a concept are complicated…there’s definite sexual undertones going on between Lane and Ilsa, Lane and Ethan, and Lane and Benji. partly because of Lane’s obsession with power and control, which leads him to do things like get in Benji’s space, hunt Ethan down personally, grab Ilsa’s face, in order to prove that they can’t stop him. Part of it is because Lane is a repressed motherfucker and games of emotional manipulation chess are clearly erotic for him, especially when played against a worthy opponent. Personally, though, I don’t see those sexual undertones as being anything but one-sided in any of these dynamics. The only person who ever engages with Lane’s sexually charged mind games is Ethan, which is more a quality of Ethan’s character than a testament to any mutual attraction. My perspective on Ilsa/Lane as a concept is actually that it reveals something important about Ilsa’s character, as opposed to Ethan’s. Ethan is a femme fatale. Ilsa isn’t.
An interesting detail from the Rogue Nation commentary was…I think McQuarrie said this…that the only lie Ilsa ever tells in RN is when she says that Ethan is dead. Other than that, she leaves information out, relays incorrect information that she believes is true, etc. Ilsa’s pretty upfront with Lane in all their scenes together. When pressed, she admits readily that she doesn’t trust him, because, well, he’s a terrorist. She doesn’t play into his expectations or his desires. She doesn’t soften herself or underplay her abilities, and all her displays of power feel less like arguments for her usefulness and more like threats. Despite her overwhelming competence, as a deep cover agent Ilsa’s a pretty bad fit—which makes sense, since she was never meant to succeed in her job of unmasking the Syndicate. The only reason she’s still alive is because she’s incredibly good at her job, and Lane likes (really likes, if you know what I mean) people who are incredibly good at their job. Ilsa also seems to uncomplicatedly fucking hate Lane, lol. Again this is my interpretation of the text. But I see nothing but discomfort, fear, and anger when he grabs her face. Unlike Ethan, Ilsa takes hurt against her personally, and doesn’t forget it easily. And even setting aside the hurt he causes her, Lane also causes a ton of innocent deaths, which is…despite Ilsa’s disillusionment with MI6, and her coming to see the Syndicate as relatively equal to it in shittiness, she never gets to a place where she stops believing innocent lives are worth saving. And her ethical backbone is pretty tough, so I don’t see her having a ton of respect for Lane’s point of view. I don’t see any attraction, I guess is my point, on her end, and I see a lot of enmity. And, crucially, Ilsa isn’t the kind to have complicated sexual relationships with anyone she hates. She’s not Ethan.
If Ethan were in Ilsa’s situation, hell yeah, I would think something was going on. Ethan leans into expectations, plays into what people want from him. If Lane grabbed his cheek, you bet Ethan would stay completely still, and his face would be calm. He uses sex to steal the power of powerful people for himself, uses people’s erotic fixation on him to get them where he wants them. He also has no scruples about his own emotional or physical safety. Ilsa, on the other hand, is a fighter. She’s protective of her body. She’s protective of her own mind, her safety, her freedom. Lane is a threat to all those things. I just personally don’t see him holding much fascination for her, except as a person she would like to see dead. Which is honestly one of the reasons I love her character. She resists the tropes of female characters in spy media, and it fucks.
#anyway these are the thoughts such as they are…..interested in your opinions!#cecil meta#solomon lane#mission impossible
17 notes
·
View notes
Note
wait George Villiers was a shitty person? what did he do?
Hi! I’d like to preface my answer to this question by saying that I’m not a historian (I have a degree in linguistics and literary studies), and all of my information comes from doing a lot of research regarding George on my own, therefore there might be a lot more info on what exactly he did or did not. So if there is someone more knowledgeable about this, please correct me.
What George Villiers did, and, quite frankly, how his career had gone could be described by a line reportedly spoken by Queen Anna of Denmark to Abbot, the archbishop of Canterbury (and Pembroke), two people who worked together to install George in James’s bedchamber as a favourite “You and the rest of your friends know not what you do. I know your master better than you all, for is this young man be once brought in first person he will plague must be you that labour for him.”
As opposed to the previous favourite Somerset (Robert Carr), Gorge was deeply ambitious as he not only wished to enrich himself while in favour, but he also wanted to become an important player in the political sphere. (If I dare say so myself, I believe, that his time as a politician, would not be half as bad if he had received a proper training. Tho he was undoubtedly a shitty, to put it mildly, person) He knew that key to his success was the affection and love of the king as he could literally take everything that was given to him and make him once again the poor George that he once was. (I really do not want to talk about their relationship as it would take more than a sentence to summarise it). Thans to how rapidly he climbed the social ladder and received more titles and positions at the court which in turn allowed him to have actual sway in the country’s internal and external politics. Geore was also keenly aware that apart from the royal favour he needed connection to face his opposition (the ancient families of England). So patronage, it was something common (even now). He installed his immediate family at the court and secured them positions, (mmm nepotism), the marriage market was also fair play as George slowly but surely arranged marriages for people in his family, win-win situation.
Addressing his now growing family, his wife – Kate Manners, became one as he possibly kidnapped and raped her. (There are some rumours that he “what-a-surprise got locked” with her in one building so after that they just had to get married.) It was a marriage for the money she could bring, and the connections did not hurt either, a nice bonus, one might even say. He also made a deal with Edward Coke to marry off his daughter (her mother protected her fiercely) to his brother. It is said that she cried during the ceremony.
In lieu of the theme of nepotism, as he slowly transformed the royal bedchamber into a place of the de facto lawmaking. He packed every place possible (to an extent) with people what would back him up. For that he was notoriously selling patronages, titles, and land, especially in Ireland where law did not hold him so much. Literally whenever the parliament tried to remove him from power because of how badly (Imo he would have done much better if he had training and not just gone with the general fuck around and find out rule.) he did his job, and people were fed up with him. He started a whole 20D chess match with Richelieu which was pointless, started a few campaigns that ended with him often not paying the soldiers (I mean no one would stab him to death over such thing… right), the last one being a pointless siege that only made England loose troops and money. (He could have one that one, he was so close to it, but he had to celebrate the possibility of victory rather than making people sing papers). He enraged the protestant England by helping to offer help France with fight off Protestants. What else… oh yes, he almost sa’d Anne of Austria which just… mmm the flavour of historical silencing of women, misogyny and men who just have dick measuring contests because.
Tho what I do not believe, and what many line up with, is that he did not poison James (or at least wasn’t aware of doing so??) because I think that he would gain more from helping the king survive than just killing him.
Sources
Bellany, Alastair, and Thomas Cogswell. 2015. The Murder of King James I. New Haven: Yale University Press.
Cogswell, Thomas. 2017. James I (Penguin Monarchs). Penguin UK.
Lockyer, Roger. 2014. Buckingham. Routledge.
Stewart, Alan. 2014. The Cradle King. St. Martin’s Press.
Veerapen, Steven. 2023. The Wisest Fool. Birlinn Ltd.
10 notes
·
View notes
Note
If I’m trying to dip my toes into writing jlud fics, is there anything you think should be highlighted in their dynamic, I’ve never written real people before, so I’m worried they may come off as OOC
i think having a history of writing rpf in general does help you portray real people a little better, but even if you've only written fic based on movies or tv, then you really just have to study and think about the way real people talk. none of it is carefully orchestrated or prewritten or flowery or anything like that. real people use lots of filler words and phrases like "uh", "ah", "um", "like", "yeah", "i mean", "you know", so on and so forth. they stutter. they fumble. j stutters a lot, usually because he talks very quickly and his mouth can't keep up with his brain and he short-circuits when he's placed into unfamiliar situations.
a lot of people make the mistake that lud is inherently domineering and suave and super alpha and he always knows what he's doing, which isn't true. he's able to fake confidence VERY well and he tries to make up a lot of his personality so he can mask his vulnerability and sell himself as a product to others, but he's easily broken through because he wants SO badly to be loved and praised and coddled. at the same time, he also has the capacity to be very cruel and snide and shitty on purpose and he doesn't really care about hurting people's feelings. all of these spawn from him being a miserable, unstable, spoiled manchild. he's very mean to jrma in between glorifying him, constantly diving between these two extremes depending on his mood and what his current perception of jrma is. he acts out and expects everyone to put up with it and doesn't care when people don't. j usually puts up with it no matter what because he hates himself and needs so badly to stay in lud's good graces. unless he sees lud being mean to somebody else. then he'll scold him for it.
they absolutely and thoroughly adore each other and they've been following each other's exploits closely for years. lud has been watching jrma ever since he was at asu and jrma has been watching lud from a similar timeframe. the first time j ever shouted him out and thanked him for raids was all the way back in 2018. they're VERY familiar with each other from a voyeuristic standpoint; j listens to the yard and watches a fuckton of his streams and lud regularly looks up and watches jrma clips along with a bunch of his streams too. they both look up to each other so much. lud looks up to j because he sees him as a mentor, an artist, and a father/teacher figure, and j looks up to lud because he also sees him as an artist and so fucking cool and slick and handsome and he's awed by and jealous of the success he's achieved at such a young age. they both want very, very badly to be liked by each other but their own mental blocks that they have put in place makes it so that they can't see how crazy the other one is about them. j because he can't stand himself, and lud because he's constantly playing 4d chess with everyone in his life.
j is VERY needy, physically and emotionally, when they interact with each other in real life. he doesn't feel the need to interact with others or make more friends. he wants lud to be around him and talk to him and hype him up. and once they do find each other again, they talk easily and comfortably for ages and ages because they have a ton in common. they both seem to ignore the strange obstacles that both of them tend to throw up around each other because it's so much easier to be the best of friends than it is to talk about their feelings at all. they don't admit things to each other. they don't talk about things deeper. they just exist in each other's vicinities and grab at each other and try to steal pieces for themselves.
all in all, watch their streams and see how their relationship has developed over time and listen well. some key streams to watch are the replacement stream, bro v bro, name your price, juiced, beerio kart, and risk, because they're all wildly different and they all uniquely showcase aspects of their relationship that you can pull from.
#hope this helped!! i think about them a lot#i admit i don't follow my own rules when i want to make the true lud alpha god rapist. but it's fuuuuun..#also he does LOVE to put on a show when he wants to torment j for any reason. he LOVES being mean to him#i think it just gets his dick hard that j will accept any kind of treatment from him#jlud#bunnyaskz
29 notes
·
View notes
Note
what would be every scythe character's favorite game i want to hear your take on this
I don’t play video games a lot (aside from my dearest love shitty mobile merge games) so I did this with board games because I LOVE board games
Citra- ok this isn’t even a board game but like she would LOVE mafia. She’s really good at playing doctor or detective and trying to guess the mafia’s target. She’s also super annoying about metagaming and tries to memorize everyone’s tells so she can see when they’re lying. She can be very very competitive.
Rowan- i think he likes candyland very low stakes so he can decompress and i think it also brings out the childish wonder in him.
Goddard- monopoly. I’m not gonna elaborate.
Faraday- also monopoly but it’s specifically because he likes playing as the dog and he thinks the city names are cool
Curie- Clue. Every single time she would present a theory she’d be SO dramatic too. And her notes are meticulous.
Greyson- Scrabble. He doesn’t actually know a ton of words but he’s weirdly lucky with getting letters so he can always extend other people’s words and get the combos. This annoys everyone but him.
Thunderhead- chess, both because of the strategy and the historical and cultural significance
Jeri- battleship. They like the boats. Don’t play against them because if you fail to sink a ship they WILL make fun of you until you rage quit
Rand- uno, and she can be a real motherfucker about those draw four cards.
Volta- he’s the only person who actually enjoys playing candyland with Rowan. The whimsy, etc.
Chomsky- his ass is NOT invited to game night
Munira- Sorry. She likes being able to revenge everyone who gets her out. She’s not even that good at the game but that’s fine by her she’s still having fun :)
Loriana- checkers, because the name is fun to say and also because I like checkers so I needed to make that the favorite game of someone I like
Tyger- again, not a board game, but he likes playing poker because it makes him feel cool and the risk is exciting
17 notes
·
View notes
Note
i’m going to be <3 honest <3 and say that roman has never looked hotter then when he was being decisive last ep. like obviously it’s bad BUT i cannot lie it was very refreshing to see him play the game like ken & shiv have been all season !!
i appreciate the honesty this is a space of full support and respect <3 but i must speak my truth as well — while i loved roman this ep truly (read: would kill him if he were real) i’m a long floppy haired roman girl at heart….. the rly short sides this season are an attack against me personally
also yes i’m always a proponent of roman Playing The Game like those r always some of my fav rome eps (see: too much birthday) bc it’s when he’s in that mindset that certain aspects of his way of thinking (ab business/himself/family/the world at large/etc) are like most explicitly shown and it’s always so fascinating and hard to watch at the same time! talked ab this a lot with too much birthday but Playing The Game is EXACTLY the right phrase for what he’s doing bc he, unlike all the other sibs (and everyone but logan, tbh), really does view it as just that: a game to be played. but while logan viewed it like that in a more, like, Everything Can Be Manipulated Everyone Is A Pawn It’s A Chess Match way, roman views it as a game in the Guys Cmon It’s Literally Just A Game It Doesn’t Actually Fucking Mean Anything Why Are You So Mad Is It Just Cuz Im Winning For Once way etc etc etc. agh i wrote a whole ass post ab this last year i’ll go back and find it n link it here in a sec for anyone interested i don’t have the mental capacity to reiterate it in any meaningful way rn LOL
EDIT: okay this is the one about the ‘game’ thing but it’s a lil different from what i’d say now or at least how i’d say it — i emphasized like empathy and how roman is sympathetic and why his actions make sense from a human perspective bc this was right after too much birthday and the general consensus was Roman Is An Evil Sociopath And I Unironically Want Him Dead so a lot of this was me being like guys. guys. calm down. he’s acting like this for a reason. it’s still very shitty but it’s not just pure malice or anything let’s look at this from a character perspective okay etc etc etc. there’s also this one which covers similar stuff that i think i maybe stand by a little more now altho i haven’t read it again lately so who knows! linking it anyways cuz who cares
22 notes
·
View notes
Note
How do you feel about Dumbledore? Because I like that morally ambigious bastard tbh LOL. And I feel like he actually can play a not-insignifcant role in a Harry/Draco romance. The plot to kill him his related to Draco, Harry saw Dumbledore wanting to give Draco another chance, through him Harry learnt that someone he loves can still have done terrible things, plus they feel like a good version of Albus/Gellert, like what Dumbledore whishes he couldve had
I could probably write a thesis on this guy, for real.
First things first, I don’t like him. There is never, ever a good enough reason to leave a child in an abusive home. He starts at negative. In my mind, it’s unforgivable to manipulate Harry all his life to shape his plan and raise him like a lamb for slaughter.
(I won’t get into Sirius, Remus and Potters bc I feel like that’s a whole another can of worms.)
On Draco, I’m also disturbed by his treatment in HBP. They (including Snape) knew Draco was up to something, they knew he was literally collapsing under the fear and pressure. A school full of children, two of which did get severely hurt, and they let Draco fuck around desperately.
I think Dumbledore knew he failed Draco too and his “speech” at the astronomy tower was also made to Harry. He knew he was going to die, he knew it was too late to offer Draco a way out. I think he was doing what he thought he could to sway Draco in the right direction before he goes. Dumbledore did indirectly facilitate Draco’s “redemption” and Harry’s sympathy for him.
Now! All of this aside, I do think that Dumbledore has a conscience. He just willingly supresses it for the greater good. Yes, he played with people like chess pieces without caring for the damage he left behind. But… someone had to make those decisions. That’s the shitty thing. Harry did have to die.
Take him out of the equation and then what? They were losing to death eaters and without Dumbledore they would. They wouldn’t be able to stop them without killing Voldemort, they were doomed to lose as long as Voldemort was alive and unkillable. Someone had to make the difficult decisions.
How do you do that? That’s the most fascinating. He’s wrecked with guilt from his youth so much that he willingly sacrifices his conscience to make up for it. He dedicates his life to this fight and condemns himself to a lonely life. I think he never stopped loving Gellert and felt guilty about that too, but it also made him ruthless because he already sacrificed two people he loved the most. He already did it before, he can convince himself to do it again when he doesn’t have anything else to lose.
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fyolai fanfiction
Today Nikolai transferred to a new boarding school, he was expelled from his previous school for doing ‘things’ (you can decide what those are) so now his parents decided to send him to a boarding school to keep him out of their hair.
Nikolai arrived at a huge gate (creepy hogwarts vibes) that led to a gloomy dark building. The atmosphere was eerie and unsettling.
Nikolai wasn’t very hopeful about this school since it was known for making people obedient and had a lot of rumors about it.
He stepped in the large gates, making his way to the entrance. A teacher greeted him, they led him to the principals office where the principal gave him all the important information.
- You will be staying in dorm 42, here’s your room key and your roommate will show you around the school. Stay out of trouble and don’t stay up after curfew. - instructed the principal, slightly glaring at Nikolai, it seemed that she knew his history with causing trouble.
- Understood. - he said, deciding not to say anything, he didn’t want to get in trouble with his parents again.
He walked through the many corridors, looking for the dorms. He seemed to be near the math classes… He was lost no doubt.
Suddenly, a tall (not taller I did research) brunette walked up to him.
- Hi, are you new here? - he asked curiously.
- Yes I am! I was trying to find the dorms, could you please tell me where they are? - asked Nikolai.
- Oh yes! Follow me! - replied the brunette boy. - My names Dazai by the way.
- Nice to meet you, I’m Nikolai. - He responded.
- Cool, what dorm are you in? - asked Dazai, as they walked through the corridors.
- Oh I’m in dorm 42! - replied Nikolai.
- Oof! Good luck, you’re roommates with Fyodor, he creeps the whole school out. - Says the brunette.
Nikolai felt nervous, but he thought that people said that about him in his other school, so maybe he wasn’t that bad?
Suddenly, someone angrily ran up to Dazai, grabbing his tie.
- Shitty mackerel!! Why are you skipping again! - yelled a very short redhead.
(the reason I said very is bc I’m taller and I haven’t been in high school lol)
Nikolai was surprised at the sudden loud noise, he watched as the two argued until finally Dazai pulled the red head off of him.
- Nikolai, this is Chuuya. - Dazai said as he pointed at the redhead.
- Nice to meet you. - said Chuuya, his tone did not match his words as he glared at Dazai.
- For your information, I was showing this new kid to his dorm. - said Dazai, looking down on Chuuya.
- Alright fine. Whatever, just get to class, or Professor Kunikida will give you a reason to wear bandages. - mumbled Chuuya as he walked off.
Dazai led Nikolai to his dorm, where they parted ways.
Nikolai stood at the door, he was slightly nervous, he was worried for how this roommate was gonna act.
He reached for the door knob and opened the door…
Nikolai swung open a door, to see a dark haired boy sitting next to one of the desks reading a book.
The boy looked up and stared blankly at him.
- You must be the new student, I’m Fyodor, I’ll be showing you around today. - he said practically without any emotion, he seemed bored of this.
Nikolai decided the best approach would be to be friendly. He walked forward, putting his hand in front of him for a hand shake.
- nice to meet you! I’m Nikolai! - he said happily, Fyodor stared blankly at Nikolai’s hand. He sighed and shook it.
- C’mon let’s go, I’ll show you around. - said Fyodor as he walked past Nikolai and out of the dorm.
Nikolai followed Fyodor as they walked through the corridors, with Fyodor occasionally pointing to a door and naming the class.
Nikolai wanted to get to know Fyodor better, but he wasn’t sure what to ask.
- So what book were you reading? - asked Nikolai with a cheerful tone.
- Crime and Punishment. - replied Fyodor as they walked forward.
Nikolai stayed silent. He didn’t know what to say to that.
- That’s really cool! What do you like to do in your free time? - asks Nikolai.
- Read and play chess. - he replied.
Nikolai nodded, he really wasn’t great at chess however he thought it was interesting. Whenever he played it, he would get distracted and play by made up rules.
Fyodor looked at Nikolai, he looked very happy to be here, which was surprising as almost everyone would be upset upon entering this school, it was very strict and judgmental.
They then heard the bell ring. It was now lunchtime. They walked over to the cafeteria where Fyodor sat down at a table in the corner, away from everyone. Nikolai decided to sit down with him.
Fyodor stared at Nikolai as he sat down. He looked at him, trying to understand why he was here.
- Why exactly are you sitting here? - asked Fyodor.
- Because I don’t really know anyone else, I bumped into some other people but It’d be weird for me to just sit down with them – replied Nikolai.
- I see. - said Fyodor, eating his lunch in silence as Nikolai watched him intently.
Nikolai couldn’t help but think that Fyodor was cute. He wasn’t sure why Dazai had told him that Fyodor was creepy, he seemed fine, closed off but probably a good person (lmao).
- After this we have history class. - Fyodor said in an attempt to make Nikolai stop staring at him, it’s not like he didn’t like it, but he had a weird feeling when Nikolai did that.
- Okay, what’s your favorite subject? - asked Nikolai, in an attempt to make Fyodor open up more.
- I like literature class. - replied Fyodor. He thought for a moment before speaking again. - what about you?
- Me? Well I guess I like arts class and music. - replied Nikolai, he was happy that Fyodor asked him something as that meant he was somewhat interested in becoming closer or was at least trying to be friendly.
- C’mon let’s go. - Fyodor said as he stood up and he and Nikolai walked towards the class.
Nikolai and Fyodor entered the class. Most people were already there.
Fyodor sat down in the back of the class, near the window. Nikolai followed him and sat behind him (the back back of class lol)
The teacher soon started talking and Nikolai quickly got bored.
He sat staring out the window, ever so often a dove would fly by it since a bunch of the lived on the roof, he couldn’t help but feel envious of their freedom.
He looked at them fly and missed all of what the teacher said.
Class soon ended and Nikolai got up to go to the next class.
- What do we have to do for homework? - asked Nikolai as he and Fyodor walked out of class.
Fyodor looked at him in disbelief, he knew Nikolai wasn’t listening, but he didn’t think he spaced out that much.
- We have to write a three page essay on the lesson topic. - sighed Fyodor.
- What?! How am I supposed to do that! - whined Nikolai.
-You’ll get used to it, this is only 1/9 of the homework of all the lessons we have. - said the russian as they approached their next class. (I don’t know what to call them other then their names T^T)
They sat down and waited for the class to start, they had gotten there early so there were still a few minutes left.
Nikolai looked around for something to do. He then tapped Fyodor on the shoulder.
The other looked up from his book and stared at Nikolai to say what he wanted.
- Want to see a magic trick? - enthusiastically asked Nikolai with sparkles in his eyes.
- What? - Fyodor asked. He sighed and then nodded deciding to not say anything rude, he weirdly didn’t want to be mean or rude to Nikolai unlike everyone else.
Nikolai excitedly pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket and then splayed them out on the desk.
- Pick one! - he instructed.
Fyodor went to take one card, looking at it and then putting it back.
Nikolai mixed the cards together, and then the teacher walked in.
She started talking about the lesson.
The teacher walked to her desk and picked something up.
- Did someone leave a poker card on my desk? - she asked, her voice didn’t seem angry more confused.
- Oh yes sorry I must have misplaced it! - replied Nikolai as he walked to retrieve it.
Fyodor simply stared at the card and Nikolai, surprised at his trick, he expected the card to go in his pocket or something, not to be on the desk.
Nikolai sat back down and smiled at Fyodor.
Surprisingly, Fyodor smiled back.
- Impressive. - quietly said Fyodor.
Nikolai felt very have at that, he simply smiled and tried to focus on the lesson.
To no surprise, he failed at that task.
He quickly got distracted, he looked around the class. He then spotted a weird looking kid, he looked quite stressed with the words the teacher was writing.
The boy had half lavender and half white hair. He seemed to be frantically taking notes.
Nikolai decided that that kid would be a good target to annoy.
He smiled to himself thinking of ways to annoy him.
Fyodor stared at Nikolai, trying to figure out why the fuck he was smiling.
***************
Sigma was a person who went by the ideology of “as long as it’s not me”. Which meant he was super stressed when he noticed Nikolai staring at him with a huge grin.
The only thing Sigma cared about was his poker club, it was like a second home to him.
Sigma was happy to go to his club after class. He went into the empty math classroom where one of their professors let him use the room when he wasn’t teaching.
There were nine other members, Sigma got there early and set up. He then waited for them to arrive.
Today was a tournament, it was a mini sort of competition and the prize was a vending machine key that Fyodor gave Sigma for the tournament winner, how Fyodor got it Sigma decided not to question.
********************
Meanwhile Fyodor was getting ready to go to the competition. Nikolai was curious what this uno club was.
- Where are you going? - asked Nikolai.
- A school club. - answered Fyodor.
- Ooh!! Can I join?! - questioned Nikolai.
- Uhm I guess you can go ask… though if you want to join the club it’s much better to go on another day since today is a tournament. - said Fyodor, he was warming up to Nikolai weirdly. He thought that he might be a useful friend.
- Pleaaaaaaseeee!! - whined Nikolai – I promise I won’t do anything to interrupt your game!!
- Ugh fine. - replied Fyodor as he decided not to try to argue.
While Fyodor and the other members didn’t see the problem with this, Sigma certainly did.
- You can’t bring a new person without saying anything about it!! It’s just messing things up, this is not what we agreed on and it’s gonna mess something up! Plus he doesn’t look like someone who can play!! - he said angrily.
- Don’t worry Sigma! I’m sure everything will turn out fine! - offered Kenji, a blonde boy who joined the club simply to socialize with more people. He had not the slightest clue about uno.
Sigma sighed and decided not to argue. He allowed Nikolai to join and that started the part of Nikolai’s plan.
The game started and everyone was somewhat determined to win.
Nikolai was planning on driving Sigma crazy in a very thoughts out way. He was going to cheat with his magic skills and just annoy the hell out of Sigma.
The tournament was going to go like this, first, the 11 players were gonna play a joint game, they would do that two more times and then the winners of those rounds (if there are more then one) will play another game, so there will be three people at most. The one who wins that, is the winner.
The game started, everyone had 10 cards. There were two decks mixed together so the games were more interesting.
The players were:
Sigma, Fyodor, Nikolai, Kenji, Chuuya, Yosano, Ranpo (he joined just to get the key lol), Dazai, Atsushi, Akutagawa, Kyoka.
(The school doesn’t have many clubs okay?)
In the first few minutes, the game was already tense.
- God damn it! GIVE ME A GREEN CARD! - yelled Sigma, he had taken 9 already and not a single green, plus 4 or wild card.
Dazai laughed while Yosano snickered, everyone was amused, except for Kenji, Kyouka and Atushi who felt bad for Sigma.
Nikolai giggled, he had secretly changed the deck in such a way so that Sigma would get unlucky.
Sigma sighed as he finally placed down a green card.
Just for Nikolai to change the direction and for it to be Sigma’s turn again.
The games ended, (i’m lazy imagine what happened it’s just yelling and stuff so not that interesting) the winner Chuuya (randomly generated lol).
Dazai was now puppy eyeing Chuuya to use the key to get him a free snack and Chuuya was aggressively kicking Dazai of off him.
Fyodor sighed and looked at Nikolai.
- So do you want to join? - he asked, with a clear tone of not caring.
- Yes! it’s so entertaining to annoy Sigma! - said Nikolai.
Fyodor couldn’t help but somehow feels annoyed at that, he felt angry? At Sigma? He didn’t quite get it but he didn’t think about it too much.
Fyodor and Nikolai walked to their dorm, this first day was quite eventful!
***************
Fyodor and Nikolai were quickly marching through the many corridors of the school, it was almost curfew (9 pm) and they were in a hurry to get to their dorms.
Nikolai sighed, he was sad the time was so limited, he wanted to stay up more.
- What’s bothering you? - asked Fyodor.
- It’s just really annoying that we have to go to bed! - whined Nikolai.
- No one actually follows curfew, they just stay in their dorm. - answered the dark haired boy.
- Ooh! Yipee! - exclaimed Nikolai as they entered their dorm.
Fyodor sat down at his desk and took out a black journal, he started writing in it.
Nikolai tried to look at what he was writing, but he covered the pages with his hand, all Nikolai saw was a glimpse of something that looked like his name, but he wasn’t sure.
Nikolai sat down on his bed, he hung his legs from the bed and started doing card tricks.
He was very distracted, and didn’t notice Fyodor’s eyes carefully studying him.
They stayed up for quite some time, chatting about random things, and though they didn’t talk about anything very meaningful or deep, they still felt connected to one another.
Nikolai eventually went to sleep while Fyodor stayed up writing his novel.
Today, we got a new student, he was quite annoying at first, but he seems okay. He’s obnoxiously loud and quite weird, but for some reason, I don’t get annoyed or tired from it, it’s actually entertaining.
Fyodor wrote as he peered over at Nikolai who was laying soundly in his bed. The white haired boy looked so calm, for some reason Fyodor couldn’t help but smile.
He continued writing about what happened that day and eventually laid in his bed, only getting a few hours of sleep.
The next few days went by without anything really interesting, apart from Nikolai getting lost every time he went to class alone that is.
On Friday however, Dazai invited Fyodor, Nikolai, Chuuya and Sigma to hang out.
Fyodor didn’t quite want to go, but he decided he needed to be there partially to make sure Nikolai didn’t wander into the forest near the school.
They all met under a big willow tree, where they laid a blanket down and started chatting.
Fyodor and Dazai decided to play chess, the other three settled on playing cards.
The russian couldn’t help but notice the fact that Dazai kept talking to Nikolai, he felt… strange about it, he felt angry, upset?
He said nothing, he only glared at Dazai who either didn’t notice, or found it amusing.
- Fedya can you come play cards with us? You’ve been playing that one game of chess for sooooo long. - whined Nikolai, who leaned closer to Fyodor trying to see if the game was close to an end.
Fyodor was surprised at the nickname, but didn’t say anything, Dazai did tho.
- Ooh~ Fedya really now? - he asked in a teasing tone.
Fyodor silently glared at him, not saying a thing.
The brunette smirked and they agreed to take a break.
They played a game or two with the others before heading back to the dorms.
- I didn’t mean to call you that, it just slipped out! - blurted out Nikolai as soon as they were far enough from the group to be out of ear shot.
Fyodor looked at him for a couple of seconds before realizing why Nikolai was apolagizing.
- It’s okay, I didn’t mind Kolya. - Replied Fyodor, he smiled lightly.
Nikolai blushed from the nickname and simply nodded, he tried to ignore the words and walked further in silence.
He figured that for some reason, he felt a really strong bond with Fyodor, he felt as if wanting to spend every moment with him. He got a strange feeling when he was called Kolya, but it was probably because he didn’t have a nickname before this. Yup that was definitely it.
***************
The next day Nikolai was eating lunch, he would always eat lunch with Fyodor but the teacher made him stay behind today.
He sat there, thinking about Fyodor, he missed him even though it had been only 17 minutes and 33 seconds since Fyodor and he last spoke.
Suddenly someone came up to him startling him lightly.
- Yes?! - he asked happily, he did get surprised but quickly got over it.
- Hey! I just wanted to suggest that you come hang out with us today! - said Dazai.
- Oh okay sure, is Fyodor gonna go? - asked Nikolai, he didn’t really want to go hang out with the group without him.
- No, he has detention. - replied Dazai.
- What? Why? - asked Nikolai, he was slightly upset but tried not to show it too much.
- I don’t know, anyways, I hope you stop by! - chimed Dazai as he walked away.
(A/N: MY CAT IS LAYING ON MY ARM AND I CAN”T TYPE WELL ANYMORE!!)
What Dazai nor Nikolai knew however, was the fact that Fyodor actually saw them, the teacher let him go to lunch and he happened to walk in the moment Dazai started to chat with Nikolai.
He stared at them, he felt anger boiling inside him (???? I don’t know how to write I swear to god….) as he watched the two talk, he had that same feeling as he always does when Sigma or Dazai talk with Nikolai a lot…. He didn’t read much into it and decided to just go sit with Nikolai.
He sat down and started talking.
- Hey Fedya!! How are you!!? - asked Nikolai excitedly as he saw Fyodor.
- Hello Kolya, I’m well thank you. What about you? - he asked as he looked at the ukranian curiously.
- I’m great! I heard you got detention, why’s that? - he said sounding a little worried.
- Oh that, it was nothing big, I just mixed up my homework and my own story and the teacher was mad. - Fyodor replied, however it wasn’t the truth.
The real reason he got detention was because of the fact that some kids were gossiping about Nikolai and saying some really bad things about him, they even called him slurs.
Fyodor overheard them and beat them up, causing him to get detention.
Nikolai wasn’t sure if Fyodor was lying or not but it’d be very hard to ask so he stayed quiet.
They chatted for a while but nothing much happened.
Later they split up, Fyodor went to detention and Nikolai went to their dorm.
Nikolai walked to his dorm thinking if he should go with the others or not, he wanted to but also didn’t want to leave Fyodor (who was in detention but would get out after an hour and Nikolai thought if he should wait for him or not)
Nikolai sighed, he decided that he should go since it wouldn’t hurt to have a few more friends.
He walked to meet with the group and they all started talking.
Meanwhile Fyodor in detention sat there, he wasn’t tasked with anything, he was told to just sit there and think about his actions.
He wondered what Nikolai was doing, he got a strange feeling when he thought about Dazai hanging out with Nikolai…. However this time, he was able to realize what that feeling was
Jealousy
***************
Fyodor was getting more and more annoyed by the second, he had deduced that Nikolai was in fact hanging out with Dazai, he was incredibly jealous and now realized it.
He had decided that his jealousy was caused by the fact that Nikolai was his first friend, the only person who seemed to not be very unnerved by him (not counting Dazai but they have a rivalry kind of relationship)
The second detention ended Fyodor rushed to the schools yard, he saw Nikolai and Dazai talking, that made his jealousy even stronger.
It didn’t make things better that they were alone as Sigma and Chuuya didn’t show up.
He approached them, he smiled (which would be normal but it was Fyodor who never smiled unless he was plotting some sus shit)
Dazai looked at Fyodor, he seemed to know how the other was feeling and was getting of on it.
- Hey Fyodor, finally done with detention? - asked Dazai.
- FEDYAAAAAAA!!! - excitedly exclaimed Nikolai jumping up and grabbing Fyodor’s hands. - I’ve missed you!!
Fyodor stared at him, a little confused but then smiled and chuckled lightly (this time he wasn’t planning sus shit this time, he was just enjoying the interaction)
- Hello Kolya. - greeted the russian, he sat down with the others.
Dazai looked at Fyodor, he wanted to annoy him. The reason for that was that Chuuya was busy and couldn’t come, so he had to annoy SOMEONE.
- Hey Fyodor, why did you go to detention again? - asked Dazai, knowing the answer, he grinned at Fyodor’s glare of annoyance.
- I have already told you, I turned in the wrong assignment and the teacher got mad. - he said, he looked at Dazai, his gaze as if a warning.
- Ohhhh right, I was soooooo sure it was something else though! I must have mixed something up. - teased the brunette and smiled broadly. - By the way, did you hear about the fact that those three students got beat up? Weird right?
The russian looked at him, clearly fed up with Dazai’s bullshit. Nikolai looked at the two confused, he knew they had a complicated relationship but this was weirder then usual.
- Ah yes, those kids, well in my opinion, they simply got their punishment. - replied Fyodor, looking at Dazai as if insinuating for him to shut up.
- Really? That’s an interesting point of view! - butted in Nikolai, he was trying to make this conversation included as the energy that they gave of was making him annoyed.
Fyodor and Dazai were so similar…. Both were seen as unsettling and they both were geniuses, one might see them as the ‘perfect match’ Nikolai hated that…
They continued talking, they were about to leave before Fyodor interrupted.
- Dazai, may I talk in private with you for a moment? - he asked, his voice cold and blank.
- Oh course! - Dazai answered, his voice seemed normal but had a tint of a knowing seriousness.
They walked a bit away, out of earshot. They walked behind one of the supply sheds where Fyodor dropped his calm act.
- Stay away from Nikolai. - he said, his voice as cold as ever, it pierced the air and gave an unsettling setting.
- Why should I? It’s not like you own him – replied Dazai, his tone matching the atmosphere.
Fyodor glared at Dazai in response. He calmed himself and sighed.
- You are correct, but since you know what happened to those other students, I suggest you keep your distance. - calmly said the russian, he was getting tired of Dazai’s shenanigans.
- Aww are you threatening me? - asked Dazai, visible amused. - Tell me, why are you jealous? You seemed fine with him talking to other people.
- I’m fine with him socializing, but YOU flirt with any human being who talks to you. - teased Fyodor, though the words didn’t seem to be a joke nor light hearted.
- alright fine, I won’t flirt with your dear boyfriend. - sighed Dazai as he walked away.
Fyodor grumbled about how Nikolai isn’t his boyfriend but it wasn’t very clear.
***************
Fyodor and Nikolai walked back to their dorms, Nikolai was very curious about Dazai and Fyodor’s conversation and wondered what they talked about.
- Hey Fedya, what did you and Dazai talk about? - he asked, he decided an honest approach would be best.
- Oh that, nothing important simply something the teacher told me to tell him. - lied the other, he definitely wasn’t gonna tell Nikolai the truth.
- Ah I see. - answered Nikolai, he knew the other wasn’t being honest, it was obvious but he wasn’t gonna argue.
They walked back and decided to hang out there as it was close to evening.
They were on Nikolai’s bed and he was telling Fyodor jokes. They were enjoying themselves when Fyodor got an idea.
- Hey Nikolai, do you want to do something fun? - he asked, Nikolai looked at him in surprise since Fyodor wasn’t the fun type.
- Of course Fedya! - he replied excitedly.
Fyodor stood up and walked to the window of the room. He opened it and looked around.
- C’mon, follow me. - he gestured for Nikolai to follow him who listened and was getting more and more curious to what this activity will be.
- You like birds right? - asked Fyodor as he started climbing out of the window, the roof was leaned but it had a flat part at the end meaning they’d be fine if they lost their ground.
- Yes how did you know? - asked Nikolai, he was slightly surprised but he figured Fyodor had simply observed him at some point and noticed how he looks when observing them.
- I saw how you look at them, you are jealous of their freedom isn’t that right? You wish to have the freedom they poses. - he said as he now was on the roof, he helped Nikolai climb out and they now were on the roof of the school.
The sun was now setting making the sky an orange tint, it looked beautiful and very romantic. Nikolai was in awe as he stared at the sunset, the birds were flying about and it looked beautiful.
- Wow! Fedya this is beautiful! - stated Nikolai as he looked by at Fyodor, they were sitting on the flat part of the roof, their legs dangling of the edge.
- I’m glad you think so Kolya. - answered Fyodor as he stared at Nikolai with a smile.
Nikolai felt joy, this is probably the most free he has felt, he was still in the cage but he was closer to the outside then he usually would be.
- I’ve wanted to ask you something. - spoke Fyodor, Nikolai looked at him in surprise, he had forgotten Fyodor was here as he was lost in his thoughts.
- Yes what is it? - Nikolai asked curiously.
- Why do you wear that eye patch? - (context in this AU Nikolai wears a fancy eye patch instead of a card on his eye since I thought it make more sense for a school AU)
- Oh, it’s to cover my other eye, it’s a different color and isn’t pretty. - Nikolai replied, he was a little upset from that question, he didn’t know what he expected Fyodor to say but he was weirdly let down none the less.
- Can I see it? I’m sure it’s just as pretty as the rest of you. - questioned Fyodor, he had a genuine smile on his lips.
Nikolai took his eye patch off looking at Fyodor, he was worried about what he was gonna say as everyone was always critical of it.
Fyodor stared at Nikolai’s eyes for a moment and then laughed lightly.
- It’s- You’re beautiful as always. - he said, something like that would sound flirty but the way he said it was more comforting then anything.
Nikolai was surprised but then smiled, he felt his cheeks flush.
- Thank you Fedya. - he replied, he felt very happy from the compliment.
***************
The two sat atop the roof for some more time before finally getting up, they went inside the dorm once more and went to sleep (Fyodor stayed up writing)
The next day all the choir members were called to practice, Christmas was in a month and they were going to have a huge performance and ball that day.
Fyodor went to the rehearsal as he played the cello as a solo and inside the choir.
Nikolai was very excited to hear Fyodor play since he thought music was amazing.
They both attended classes before walking their separate days. Nikolai saw a poster on the board that read:
“All students this Academy can attend the Christmas ball, the dance will happen on Friday December 23rd, after that the students can go back home for the holidays. The ball will have performances from the school choir and afterward a student dance, the dress code is white.”
Nikolai was already excited and decided to go bug Sigma with this. He opened the door to the math classroom and barged in to see Sigma setting up for today’s club meeting.
- AGH! Nikolai what are you doing here so early?! - he questioned a little annoyed.
- I wanted visit you!! Are you going to go the ball next month?! - Nikolai asked excitedly.
- I guess, but I’m not yet sure. - Sigma sighed.
- Okay! I’m sooooo excited to see Fyodor play the cello that day!!!!!!! - Nikolai exclaimed.
- Is that the thing your most excited? - questioned Sigma, a little confused.
- Of course! Fedya will probably be so good at it… - Nikolai trailed off as he imagined Fyodor playing the cello (guys down bad lol)
- Uhm… May I ask you something? - asked Sigma, he looked at Nikolai curiously.
- Yes! What is your question? - responded Nikolai now playing with a deck of cards Sigma had just now shuffled and tidied.
- What is your relationship with Fyodor exactly? - Sigma asked, he wasn’t sure if Nikolai was going to tell him but he decided to try.
- Fedya is my dearest friend, he is the only person who understands me…. My intimate friend… - Nikolai seemed to be in his thoughts and speaking to himself as much as Sigma.
- Nikolai what the actual fuck is an intimate friend?! - asked Sigma, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer or not but decided it was one worth asking.
- Oh uhm… Just a very close friend! - assured Nikolai, though he didn’t seem too sure of his own words.
Sigma looked at him, he didn’t believe him in the slightest bit. What kind of friends with benefits mess of a relationship do those two have?
Sigma sighed and continued his preparations. Nikolai seemed to be thinking about something.
His eye widened as he seemed to have realized something.
It all made sense now! The jealousy, the butterflies! Holy fuck! He was gay for Fyodor!
(I don’t know why I frazed it like that but I did so live with it)
He rushed to his dorm and closed the door. He took out a notebook and started writing, he wrote his feelings, he had an epithamy!
He felt both happy and upset, if he had those kinds of feelings, how could he ever feel free? It’d be impossible…
He looked out the window struck with both sadness and happiness. He didn’t know what to do, but he felt he needed to do something
He then suddenly remembered the book Fyodor would always write. He opened the drawer the journal was kept in and flipped through a few pages, the handwriting was messy but Nikolai was able to read it just fine.
He stared in surprise at the descriptions of violence that Fyodor had written, he now knew the real reason he had gotten in trouble, what had happened with Dazai… He was quite…. Crazy
Nikolai thought of that for a moment, he then stared smiling crazily to himself, someone who understood him… and was like him…
***************
Fyodor was at choir (fun fact bc I can’t stay focused, I was trying to remember the word for ‘choir’ but I couldn’t, so I thought of the russian word which is kind of like ‘hor’ instead of the English one so I accidentally wrote ‘whore’ instead of choir before realizing what the hell I just did lol) he was practicing with the others and couldn’t help but feel annoyed.
Fyodor liked playing the cello but he didn’t like playing with others as it would complicate things and he had to play simple melodies instead of ones he wanted to play.
He sat there watching as the others sang and tried to correlate with one another. He sighed and looked around when he saw someone waving at him behind the stage curtain.
He got up and walked over to the place where he thought he saw someone.
It was Nikolai, he smiled and ran towards Fyodor.
- Hey Fedya! I thought I would stop by since I missed you!! - he exclaimed as he excitedly waved his arms in the air talking about random things.
Fyodor smiled and nodded.
- I see, well I still have a little bit of practice left but you can stay here and watch if you want. - he replied looking at the time.
- Cool!! - Nikolai excitedly took a seat on those weird moving stairs things (Do you know what I mean??? Those podiums that I don’t know what they use them for but like they have three steps and a couch like thingie on the inside??? They have wheels??? My sister had those in her high school I don’t think they are common but I don’t give a shit anymore he took a seat at one of those ok)
Nikolai watched as everyone played and was excited to hear how Fyodor sounded (I swear I keep wanting to make dirty jokes every second-)
The choir started playing and singing and Nikolai watched in the back intently as Fyodor started to play his cello.
As Fyodor (I keep laughing when writing his name bc it’s pronounced incorrectly in the show) started moving the stick thing (I don’t know how it’s called that thing you know? The wand thingie?) Nikolai was in awe at the music and he excitedly listened to the music
(Incoming joke that I had to include for no other reason then I saw it on pinterest and I keep remembering it)
Nikolai thought how beautiful Fyodor looked and suddenly got a random thought.
Nikolai’s thoughts: Play me like your cello-
(I’m sorry I couldn’t help it-)
Nikolai blushed when he thought that and tried to distract himself by thinking of something else.
He couldn’t think straight and tried to distract himself so that he wouldn’t get any other weird thoughts about Fyodor.
He sighed and waited for the band to finish.
When the choir was finished Fyodor approached Nikolai and they went back to their dorm where they chatted and enjoyed the rest of the evening.
Nikolai felt great whenever he was around Fyodor, he felt the happiest he was.
But when he laid in his bed he kept thinking about the fact he won’t ever be free now and how Fyodor won’t feel the same way for him….
**************
Nikolai kept thinking about his feelings and was getting quite distracted, like all the time.
Fyodor noticed this and was a little worried because of that, he didn’t want Nikolai to be sad and wanted to try and comfort him.
The boy wasn’t the affectionate type so he decided to ask the most flirty person he knows (who is also the only person who is dating someone that Fyodor is ‘friends’ with) for help.
Dazai was surprised to see Fyodor at his door since it wasn’t their chess Wednesday.
- Hello I have come for advice. - sighed Fyodor, Dazai was quite surprised.
- Really? Oh my god! The great Fyodor has come to me for advice?! - mocked the brunette as he dramatically waved his hands around in the air.
Fyodor simply rolled his eyes and leaned in on the wall behind him.
- Nikolai is upset, I don’t know why and I’ve tried to ask him but he ignores me. – explained the russian.
- Maybe he sad because you said something? - suggested Dazai.
- Impossible, he just simply came over to practice and watched me play, and then we talked a little there wasn’t anything upsetting I could have said. - Fyodor replied as he shook his head.
- He watched you play your cello? Well then it explains everything. - mocked Dazai.
It took Fyodor a second to realize what Dazai meant and once he did realize he glared at the brunette in annoyance.
- I doubt that’s the reason. - He said as he calmed down.
Dazai sighed since he didn’t have any ideas at this point:
- I don’t know dude, maybe his dog stepped on a bee. (Don’t ask I have to put memes)
Fyodor looked at Dazai in disbelief before rolling his eyes.
- Look dude, I don’t know what happened, just ask him and then comfort him. - Dazai suggested.
- And how do you suppose I do that? - replied the other as he seemed to be thinking
(Random hc is that Fyodor is really bad at social cues and shit)
- You go up to him and ask him – responded the brunette.
- that isn’t what I meant, I meant how do I comfort him? Like do I give him a country or*-
Fyodor was cut off by Dazai before he could finish his trail of thought (the devoted fans will get the reference in text*)
- Just hug him, give him a chocolate something like that. - explained Dazai.
- Hmmm alright. - agreed Fyodoor as he went to find Nikolai.
Fyodor looked for Nikolai and found him outside near a tree.
- Hello Nikolai, are you alright? - asked Fyodor with sincerity in his voice.
- Yes of course! I was just in my thoughts today that’s all! - reassured Nikolai, he was half telling the truth but still.
- Are you sure? You seemed quite worried. - questioned the russian, he was able to tell that Nikolai was not being honest.
- I am fine really! I just… You wouldn’t get it, I just feel as If I will never really be free. - explained the white haired boy.
- I think you will, and if not, I believe you can still find happiness somehow. - reassured Fyodor.
- Really? - asked Nikolai, he didn’t seem to believe Fyodor.
- Yes, I think so. - replied Fyodor, Nikolai looked at him before hugging him tightly.
Fyodor was very confused but smiled and hugged Nikolai back.
***************
Nikolai was much more happy because of what Fyodor said, he was very cheery and was excited for the ball.
It had been a week and tomorrow, the ball would happen.
Nikolai decided to take Sigma and Chuuya to pick out what they were gonna wear.
Nikolai texted the two of them and in the evening they came over, Fyodor went to Dazai’s dorm to play chess so they were free.
- Hey guys!! How have you been?! Who are you taking to the ball?? - Asked Nikolai excitedly.
- Oh… I’m good, I’m not taking anyone tho… I’m just going with friends… but they all have dates. - Sigma replied, he seemed nervous to not be going with anyone. Nikolai nodded and looked over at Chuuya.
- I’m taking the damn Mackerel. And I’m fine I guess… - Chuuya seemed to be annoyed about taking Dazai to the ball but Nikolai didn’t question it as it’s normal at this point.
- Who are you taking Nikolai? Do you have any ideas? - asked Sigma as he looked at Nikolai.
- Me? I’ve been thinking about taking someone… but I doubt they’d agree! - Nikolai seemed a little flustered at the question, he didn’t seem to want to say more.
Sigma nodded and started looking at his outfit options. He picked up two ties, one was dark purple and the other lavender.
- Which one should I pick? - Sigma asked as he looked at the other two.
- Don’t ask me book boy. - responded Chuuya, he was preparing his outfit too. (Chuuya’s outfit is like his clothes in Beast)
Sigma was too stunned to speak so he just looked down and tried to pick on his own.
Nikolai was not at all listening to the conversation as he was thinking about if he should take Fyodor to the ball or not.
Nikolai had picked his outfit and was proud of his choice. (Imagine his canon outfit but without the cloak and instead of stripes his pants are half black and half white. Also diff more formal shoes)
Sigma decided light lavender was better and was now looking at the other two who were silent.
(https://pin.it/5B06ev5 imagine that but the black part is a vest and it’s just white collared shirt under, pants are also black)
- Uhh… Nikolai who do you want to ask to the ball? - asked Sigma, he was kind of curious but also he just felt awkward in silence.
- Huh? I… Promise not to tell anyone? - he asked, he was usually quite the blabber mouth but he wasn’t as sure today.
- Yeah, I won’t tell anyone. - said Sigma and Chuuya. Even thought Chuuya had every intent to gossip to Dazai later.
- I want to ask Fyodor. - confessed Nikolai, the other two looked at him with a “bruh” expression (i’m so good at writing /j)
- Well I could have guessed that! - exclaimed Chuuya. - Just do it, you lil clown boy.
- Bitch I’m taller then you! the fuck you mean little?! - retorted Nikolai, he was embarrassed about the fact he told them about his crush, so he was a little annoyed at the reaction. He had a joking voice but he did somewhat mean it.
- Whatever, just ask him. - Chuuya said, he needed those gay bitches to date so they would stop being awkward.
A/N: YAY I’M DONE YIPEEE!! I love writing this but I wanna go watch something on yt now, hope you have a great day byeee!! 635 words
***************
Nikolai thought about asking Fyodor to the ball and wasn’t sure how to do it.
Should he just walk up to him and ask? Would that be too simple?
Should he give him a gift like flowers or something?? No that would be weird… He doesn’t want to look like he’s asking Fyodor on a date but he also wants to ask Fyodor on a date-
Nikolai walked through the school corridors looking at the floor deep in thought, instead of his usual skip he was walking slowly.
He wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings and so he bumped into someone.
- Ack! Oh- Fedya hiii!!! - Nikolai quickly recovered from surprise as he saw Fyodor.
(fun fact I spent 5 minutes rereading old chapters because I couldn’t remember if they called each other nicknames-)
- Hey Nikolai. Where were you headed? - asked Fyodor as he looked at Nikolai who seemed to be more chaotic then usual.
- OH! I was… headed to see you.. also I was kind of going no where haha! - Nikolai chuckled as he tried to seem normal and like he totally wasn’t thinking about asking Fyodor on a date and other things-
- I see, did you want to talk to me? What exactly is the reason that you wanted to talk to me? - asked the Russian, he looked at Nikolai with his usual monotone expression not seeming to care though he was actually interested.
The clown thought for a moment but decided to take Chuuya’s advice and just tell him straight up.
- I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go to the ball together!! - Nikolai said, he seemed confident though he was somewhat spinning and screaming on the inside.
- Go to the ball with you? For what reason would you like to do that? - asked Fyodor, he looked at Nikolai, the sentence made Nikolai doubt himself so he decided to change his wording.
- Just as friends!! haha… Just y’know, I’m pretty sure neither of us have dates so I thought, what about go together? We’re good friends right so it should be fun! - Nikolai was not only trying to convince Fyodor but also himself, if Fyodor was to say yes, Nikolai would sort of think of it as a date but it’s not that and he needed to remember that.
Fyodor felt slightly upset and annoyed at Nikolai’s words, he didn’t say anything about it however. He nodded and then spoke:
- Alright, that sounds fun let’s do it.
Nikolai was ecstatic! Fyodor was his date for the prom! Wait- no he needed to stop thinking of it like that-
(Nikolai forgot again and as soon as Fyodor wasn’t looking he did a happy dance)
The clown was excited about this news and so he decided to report to his wing men (Sigma and Chuuya even tho they can’t wing man themselves let alone someone else)
- Guys!! Me and Fyodor are going to the ball together!! - Nikolai spoke excitedly before Chuuya spoke up as well.
- Great! Finally! I was waiting for you two to get together! - He seemed happy and also annoyed (he is 90% of the time so yeah)
- Together? Oh no! We’re going as friends!! - Nikolai explained the second he said those words Chuuya looked at him with disbelief.
- Seriously?! Oh my god you’re hopeless! - he exclaimed.
Sigma was here for the whole interaction but didn’t say anything as he had cookies and didn’t give a shit about their drama.
***************
It was now the day of the ball and Nikolai was very excited.
Classes were cut short today and everybody would go home the next day for Christmas (Merry Christmas to ya’ll it’s probably that time of year when I’m publishing this)
Nikolai stood in his half and half outfit very proud of his fashion choices, he excitedly left the dorm to meet with everybody else.
Chuuya and Dazai were walking towards them squabbling as always.
- Kolya, are you ready to go now? - asked Fyodor who appeared out from one of the corner turns.
- Yup! Let’s go! - Nikolai replied as they both completely ignored the loud arguing.
They walked to the ball which was being held in the cafeteria (it’s Hogwarts type shit so don’t come after me saying it’d look ugly) and the auditorium (I believe that’s what they are called me no speak english)
The place was decorated with beautiful white decorations, little paper decorations such as snowflakes and those weird snow balls were all around the place hanging from the sealing.
There were two small Christmas trees in the corners of the place that had blue and silver decor on them.
The long tables were covered by silk fabric tablecloth, and on top of that lay many different foods.
On each table there were at least 12 different meals or desserts each. (Tradition that you need to have 12 meals not meals but different kinds of food on the day before Christmas in my country)
Nikolai second guessed his decision to wear white today as he saw all the food which would make a stain if he made a mistake.
The kids happily chattered among themselves as they filled their plates with the assortments of dishes.
Nikolai and Fyodor sat down and began doing the same while there was a shit ton of noise because everybody was talking and you couldn’t hear a word.
Fyodor stared at some of the cookies in front of him that had different decorations before taking one and showing it to Nikolai.
- This is you. - he said as he showed the cookie which had a half and half black and white design.
- Find a lavender one too! I want to annoy Sigma with it! - Nikolai said excitedly as he ate the cookie from Fyodor’s hand which surprised the russian boy.
(It feels wrong to call them boys but they are boys so I’m conflicted to be honest)
The ball continued as for now it was a banquet, but before long people started leaving to go to the auditorium (to be clear it’s the room next to cafeteria)
Everybody (-Ranpo and Poe who were still in the cafeteria chatting. Poe just stayed behind for Ranpo) gathered in the auditorium and the dance begun.
- Shall we? - asked Fyodor as he reached his hand out for Nikolai to take.
- Of course! - Nikolai excitedly said blushing lightly.
They began dancing to the music.
(Imagine they are dancing to “The Masochism Tango” I know it’s supposed to be a Christian school but I don’t care it’s either that or Bernadette or both)
***************
(slight internalized homophobia)
The dance continued for a half an hour or so after that (how I don’t know my legs could never do that to be honest). Everyone was now chattering among themselves and going back to the cafeteria to chat.
Fyodor and the choir had played a few songs by the end so he was now putting away his cello.
Nikolai came back stage and snuck up behind Fyodor wanting to scare him.
- I know you’re there Kolya I can sense your presence. - spoke out Fyodor as he turned to face Nikolai.
- You’re no fun! If you knew I was there, you could’ve at least pretended not to know or acted scared!! - replied Nikolai disappointed his prank didn’t pay off.
- Do I look like an actor to you? - Fyodor questioned rhetorically with a bored expression.
- Whatever! I wanted to talk to you about something. - Nikolai said changing the subject.
- What is it? Go on, I do not have all day after all. - Fyodor spoke as he finished putting away his cello and stood up.
- Well recently, I’ve discovered that… I like guys. - He spoke nervously and quickly trying to say it before he changed his mind. He had said only half of what he wanted to say however.
(angst and internalized homophobia starts here)
- Nikolai. Are you a homosexual? - Fyodor asked, his tone was cold and Nikolai was a little worried since he called him by his name and not his nickname.
- Well I mean, yes I guess..? - Nikolai wasn’t sure on labels but he was pretty sure the answer was yes.
The clown was getting more and more worried as the seconds went by, Fyodor was silent, staring at the other seemingly thinking.
- You’re a disgrace of God. - Fyodor said walking a little closer to Nikolai. - You disgust me, I do not wish to talk to you again.
- Wha- Fedya wait, you’re joking right? - Nikolai asked panicking as he tried to follow Fyodor who was now going back to where everyone else was.
- Do not call me that, and we both know I almost never joke. - he said coldly, walking out of the room leaving Nikolai alone.
(There won’t be any Internalized homophobia anymore but a lot of angst <3)
Nikolai stood in the dimly lit room surrounded by musical instruments, he felt his heart fall and shatter.
He felt that the one person who understood him had left him again, he was now all alone like he was before…
At least he would go home soon, he wouldn’t have to go to class and try to seem his normal self.
He walked out of the room going up to his dorm even though Dazai tried to call him to join the fun.
Nikolai felt empty once, more. The cage was as strong as it ever was as emotions of hatred, sadness and disappointment swallowed him whole.
He lay in bed sleepless, thinking about what had happened, once Fyodor came back he pretended to be asleep and tried not to say anything though he so wanted to.
He wanted to yell at Fyodor how stupid he is for believing that bull shit and at the same time he wanted to cry and beg for him to re-think or at least still be friends.
Alas, he didn’t say anything and just lay there with his thoughts before he inevitably fell asleep.
***************
So context! I don’t know, I’m making things up as I go but I read in this one other High School fyolai story and there Nikolai only had a mom so you can decide what happened with the dad!! ^^
(The dad got isekaid lol)
Oh and Nikolai doesn’t have any siblings… I think I don’t know lol
(Yes this is my story, yes I know I’m supposed to make background on these gays- I mean guys but what can you do?)
Nikolai and the others were waiting for their parents to either pick them up or for the bus to come.
He, along with some of his friends got on the bus driving back home.
The clown was unusually quiet as he was deep in thought, still replaying the last night.
Should he had said something different? Should he have yelled or begged or something?
- Nikolai! You gay clown, I asked if I can sit here!!! - asked Dazai, he must have been standing there for a while but Nikolai probably didn’t notice…
- Don’t you want to sit with Chuuya? - asked Nikolai, not even bothering to try and put on his usual act.
- Ah… He told me to go somewhere else because I was annoying him with existing. - explained Dazai, he seemed totally chill about it though.
- I see… yeah you can sit here, I don’t care. - replied Nikolai, he was very gloomy and not at all his usual self.
He was quiet, he wasn’t smiling or even trying to play it of as “oh I’m just attached to my friends and the school” (nobody likes this school because… reasons haha). He just sat there looking out the window.
- Hey, you alright? I saw Fyodor didn’t say goodbye to you are you guys like mad at each other or something? - asked Dazai, it wasn’t out of concern and more of a “I’m bored and this is the newest drama” type things.
- I’m fine, just thinking things over. Yeah I guess we did fight, but I don’t wanna talk about it. - Nikolai replied trying not to look upset.
- Alright sure man, if you need to talk, you know Sigma is always there to listen. - Dazai said, not even trying to mask him not really giving a shit.
Nikolai nodded, but he definitely wasn’t gonna open up to someone, at least not someone who went to the school, he definitely didn’t want rumors about him.
The drive took awhile since Nikolai lived a few hours away from the school but when the bus eventually stopped he got off and walked home.
- There’s my boy! How was school so far? Do you have any friends? Why didn’t you call?? - Nikolai’s mom immediately ran up to him hugging him.
- It’s… fine mom, yeah I got some friends I guess. Sorry, forgot to call you. - he replied blankly, sitting down on the couch and putting his bag on the ground.
- Sweetie, are you okay? Are you upset over something? Please tell me, you know I can’t help you unless you open up. - his mom looked at him with concern.
Nikolai felt like tearing up and confessing everything but he tried to calm himself before he finally spoke:
- It’s just, I told one of my.. friends that I like guys and he wasn’t really supportive.
His mom looked at him with sympathy before grabbing his hand and looking at him reassuringly.
- That’s terrible, you should confront him. It might be a Christian school but it’s no reason to say such things. - She says, he looks at her before nodding.
- You’re… You’re right! He has no reason to treat me like this! We were friends and he betrayed that trust, I’ll give him a real ear-full when I come back to school after two weeks! - He responded, sounding more confident about this choice.
- I’m glad you’re regaining your confidence now, just one more thing. - his mom said getting up from the couch and walking to pick up his bag.
- What is it? - Nikolai asked, curious what she wanted to ask.
- Did you… Like this boy? - his mom asked, he was surprised and all his confidence disappeared once more.
- Yeah I did, I liked him. - Nikolai replied, it was technically the truth… He didn’t like Fyodor anymore, but deep down he still hoped that he would reason with him and they would get together and be happy… What a silly pipe dream thought Nikolai to himself.
***************
Also once again, I’m basing the majority- no literally everything almost everything off of my family since I am Russian and have had a fare share of family drama but yeah…
The names are actually kind of the same to even tho the characters who are Fyodor’s siblings aren’t my siblings and would technically be my moms siblings but whatever I’m rambling and I’m pretty sure I confused ya’ll more then I explained haha….
Anyways onto the writing thing I don’t know…
Fyodor was lucky to be picked up by his family instead of having to take the bus since he didn’t want to talk with Nikolai.
His aunt Ira was picking him up as they were all celebrating Christmas.
Fyodor hated his family as in his eyes they were stupid and annoying. But, not the less one must always love their family.
He stood at the huge gates and waited for his aunt to arrive, he saw the other kids get on the bus and side eyed them from a distance (proof I can’t write seriously)
Fydoor saw Nikolai in the distance who looked very… Sad and quiet, at least compared to his usual self.
He watched as he got on and soon drove away and couldn’t help but feel his heart sink just a little from the thought of Nikolai being upset, but he shouldn’t be like that, it’s Nikolai’s fault, he’s a sinner and will go to hell, that is what he needs to remind himself.
Soon enough Fyodor’s aunt came and picked him up.
- There’s my favorite nephew!!* - exclaimed Ira as she ran up and hugged Fyodor much to his disgruntlement and protest.
*(no cuz I legit had to search up the definition of a nephew to make sure I was getting my family trees right cuz I always forget with this stuff I dunno)
- Greetings Ira… - Fyodor replied unenthusiastically as she hugged him.
She finally let him go and they got in the car driving away.
- How has school been? You have any friends? How are your grades? - Ira asked merrily, she would often visit Fyodor and his family as well as babysit him and his siblings when his parents needed to work.
- it’s been fine. - he replied, it has always been his reply to almost anything his family asked him.
- That great! You must be really excited to see your brother and sisters! You haven’t seen them in almost half a year or so! - She was talking to herself at this point as Fyodor was just looking outside and thinking about how he reacted yesterday.
(some character lore and also explaining the half a year cuz I know it’s technically bad math. So basically Fyodor’s siblings always get sent to help their grandma with her garden in the summer or they go to bible camp, but Fyodor is their families “little genius” so they let him stay home with his books)
After many hours they made it home. They lived in a pretty good house, though it still felt cramped since most of the family came over for the holidays.
Fyodor opened the door to see a fully decorated interior full of sparkles and Christmas boggles.
His siblings were busy playing a very challenging game of Mario Kart that they had gotten as a gift from Ira (the aunt that gives you things that you want like pocket knifes)
Fyodor stepped in and took off his coat and hat. Sitting down at a table and watching as his siblings squabbled over who’s should go next and who should play (two controllers and 4 siblings)
He drifted off into his thoughts as he usually did when the conversations around him weren’t interesting enough and started thinking about the thing that’s been on his mind all day…
Nikolai.
***************
Fyodor had completely zoned out, thinking and replaying what happened, he hadn’t heard his sister calling his name.
- Fyodor! God I forgot how annoying you are, were you even listening?? - Asked Fyodor’s younger sister Olga, she was the snobbiest of them all and always thought she was the best out of the family.
- I would prefer if you would stop prattling, or in simple terms: shut up. - Fyodor responded, he wasn’t fond of any of his siblings… So of them were bearable but Olga always got on his nerves.
- Ugh whatever, rat. Mother and Father were calling you to come eat. - Olga grumbled before walking off.
Fyodor got up and went to eat.
The dinner was quiet apart from their parents feeble attempts to make conversation.
- So, how’s school been for all of you? - asked Fyodor’s mother.
She was a nurse in a local hospital and Fyodor’s father was a lawyer, making it so they almost never had time to spend with their kids.
For that reason, all of the kids would be sent to boarding schools.
- School’s a bitch. The teachers are annoying and so are the kids. - Spoke up Olga, the others stared at her.
Fyodor’s brother Boris giggled when she said that but Fyodor’s parents weren’t amused.
- Do not use that type of language young lady! - exclaimed Fyodor’s mother.
- Whatever, it doesn’t matter. - Olga replied rolling her eyes.
- Well, for me school is going well. - said Fyodor’s older sister Tania, she was in college already and was majoring in mathematics.
- No one cares, Tania. - responded Boris. None of the siblings really got along well.
The parents tried to sort the situation and eventually when the meal finished they went to play a family board game
For most families, holidays are the time when everyone is happy and relaxed. Fyodor’s family was the opposite.
When all the siblings were forced to spend time with one another, chaos would insue.
Everyone was arguing over monopoly while Fyodor read his book quietly not wanting to interrupt them or join them.
- Heya kiddo! - greeted Ira, she sat down next to him and he stared at her with a “get the fuck away from me” look.
-What do you want? - he asked, going back to staring at his book. If he was being honest, he hadn’t read a single page as he was still rethinking everything that had happened with him and Nikolai.
- You look bummed out lately, I wanted to find out why. You’re anti-social all the time, but not upset. - she explained.
He looked at her and the rest of the family. Out of all of them, she would probably be the least judgmental on what had happened.
- A friend at school came out to me and I insulted him. - Fyodor responded, sighing.
- So you pushed him away since being gay or supporting gay people is “against what God said”? - Ira asked making sure to not misunderstand things.
- Yes, that is what happened. - Fyodor nodded and looked at her, waiting for her input.
- Well kid, I’m gonna be honest. I think God has other more important things to worry about other then your friend liking men. - Ira answered, she had a joking attitude but was telling the truth.
- Do you think so? - asked Fyodor, he honestly wanted to agree with her since he didn’t want to have to stop being friends with Nikolai.
- Yeah, plus, let’s be honest, liking a specific gender doesn’t make you go to hell, and if it does then I guess I’ll be a chicken nugget when I die. - Ira assured, she chuckled at the last part. - If you still care for your friend, you should apologize.
Fyodor smiled and nodded.
***************
The rest of the holidays flew by, Nikolai spent his time just chilling and practicing his confrontation.
While Fyodor tried to think of a good way to apologize and trying not to kill someone.
Two weeks later everyone reluctantly came back to school after having fun on the break and got back to studying.
Fyodor was first to arrive at the dorm and unpacked his stuff, he decided to wait for Nikolai so he could apologize and sat down on the bed waiting for Nikolai to enter.
The door swung open and the two stared at each other before saying in unison:
- We need to talk.
(Guys they’re having the talk :0 )
- You had no right to say that you- uhh… smart idiot! - Nikolai exclaimed, he tried to keep an annoyed face which was hard since he wasn’t a particularly angry person.
- You’re right. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said those things. I apologize. - Fyodor replied, possibly his first apology ever.
- Wait seriously? You regret it? - Nikolai asked, double checking. It didn’t make sense for Fyodor to apologize at all.
- Yes, it was wrong and the gender you like doesn’t matter. - The other replied, nodding slightly. It was new for him to be the one apologizing and he was trying his best to have a more emotional and earnest look (he was being honest but he has the same emotion 90% of the time which is :/ )
- Yay! I was worried we’d argue and then be enemies but you actually agree! - Nikolai ran up and hugged Fyodor.
Fyodor was very confused by the action and wasn’t sure how to react because they just made up but decided to reciprocate and hugged Nikolai back.
- Ayeeee hell yeah love to see it. - Dazai suddenly said, he was passing by the dorm to ask Fyodor to play chess or something because Chuuya kicked him out and happened to walk in on the hug.
Nikolai was embarrassed slightly because of the insinuation that they were dating, Fyodor was just pissed because Dazai made his hug end.
Dazai noticed Fyodor’s annoyance and smirked.
- I’m just speaking facts, don’t blame me for speaking the truth. - he said before walking away as to not disrupt them further.
Fyodor sighed and turned to Nikolai:
- How was your break?
- It was great! Though, it would have been better if we didn’t fight before it, that doesn’t matter now tho!! - He replied, beaming and going back to his hyper happy mood as per usual.
- I’m glad, mine was good too. Shall we go to class now? - responded Fyodor as he stepped to closer to the door.
- Yup! - Nikolai followed close behind as they walked to class, back to their friendly ways.
The rest of the day went by as usual, Nikolai had forgotten once again all the homework they were supposed to do during break and Fyodor just found his slight panic amusing.
As Nikolai lay in bed, thinking about the events that happened, his mind wandered.
Even when Fyodor had said those things, his feelings didn’t change much even tho he knew it was stupid.
But now, Fyodor actually supported him, and maybe, the reason was he realized he had feelings for him? Nikolai knew those thoughts were silly but he couldn’t help but hope that his feelings were reciprocated.
How silly…
***************
The days passed quickly and Nikolai and Fyodor had become almost inseparable.
Nikolai was always hanging around Fyodor, no matter where or when they were together.
Sigma was trying to do his history homework while Nikolai was distracting him.
- Sigma, do you want a quiz?! - excitedly asked Nikolai.
- Gogol shut the actual fuck up. - Sigma replied, Nikolai had been bugging him for several hours now and he was tired of it by now. - Go back to your boyfriend.
- My what? Do you mean- We’re not dating! - he retorted, blushing slightly at the idea of dating Fyodor.
- Oh please, you’re literally with him every second! You obviously like him! - Sigma responded, he crossed his arms and stared at Nikolai who was trying to think of something to say.
- I am not! Why does it even matter? So what if I do? I mean- you know I do, still, there’s no doubt that he wouldn’t feel the same way. - Nikolai replied, Sigma wasn’t certain who Nikolai was trying to convince.
- Whatever dude, just ask him, I doubt he’d be weirded out or anything. - Sigma went back to his homework while Nikolai pondered.
- You know what… You’re right! Sigma, you simple man, you’ve done it! - Nikolai ran off and Sigma starred at him before sighing.
-Thanks… - Sigma was slightly annoyed at the back handed compliment… Actually there was no compliment… he was just annoyed at Nikolai as per usual.
Nikolai zoomed through the corridors, he reached the dorm and loudly knocked before entering anyway.
- Fedyaaaaa!!! I have something I want to say!! - He was seemingly excited, though he was nervous as well.
- What is it Kolya? - Fyodor asked, barely looking up from the book he was reading.
- I want to tell you that… I like you, I like you more then just a friend and I have for like half a year now. - Nikolai said, he was trying his best to stay calm but wasn’t doing very well.
- Nikolai, I may support you in liking guys but, if I were to date you then that would go against my religion and beliefs. - Fyodor went cold again like before, Nikolai looked at the floor and sighed.
- I thought you’d say that, but can you at least answer me one thing? - Nikolai asked, looking straight at Fyodor.
- Yes? What is it? - the other asked, he was glad Nikolai was seemingly taking the rejection well.
- Apart from the beliefs thing, do you like me in that way? - the snow haired boy was determined to get an answer but Fyodor wasn’t planning on giving him one.
- Kolya, I’m sorry I can’t tell you the answer. - Fyodor answered, he seemed a little upset by those words but stood by them.
- Alright, but let’s say your religion accepted that, then would you agree? Would you date me supposing your beliefs aren’t in the way. - Nikolai asked, he almost felt the answer and he just needed Fyodor to admit it.
- If my beliefs accepted this, I would date you. I do like you Nikolai, but I can’t- Fyodor didn’t get to finish as Nikolai grabbed his hands pulling him forward.
Nikolai kissed Fyodor.
Fyodor was shocked but didn’t try to pull away.
They eventually broke off the kiss and Fyodor just stared at Nikolai, before speaking:
- I- Oh shit…
***************
Nikolai and Fyodor stood in silence both blushing.
- You liked that, didn’t you? You do know what that means? - Nikolai asked as Fyodor was internally screaming.
- I- Well I mean yes, but it’s- I can’t do that! - Fyodor replied, he sat down on the ledge of the bed and covered his face.
- C’mon, it’s not that bad y’know? So what you kissed a guy, it’s fine since you liked it! - Nikolai was trying to be optimistic so that Fyodor would hopefully also cheer up.
- It is really bad, this school hates… that and so does my family! Maybe for you even if you get expelled you’ll have a place to go but if my parents knew they’d disown me. It’s not that I care but it’d be a huge inconvenience. - Responded Fyodor. He sighed and flopped down on the bed staring up and trying to think.
Nikolai sat down next to Fyodor, touching his hand to show support. He smiled and then spoke:
- If they kick us out, then so be it! We’ll run away together!
- We’ll what? You’re an idiot, no one will hire kids who have no place to stay or career experience. - Replied Dostoevsky. He sat up and looked at Nikolai in disbelief.
- Sure I am, but you kissed that idiot y’know. - Nikolai replied, smirking.
Fyodor starred at him annoyed, he felt a little flustered but calmed down and then spoke:
- Yeah but it wasn’t like I chose to, you just kinda kissed me.
- But you liked it! You did! You told me, so you can’t deny it anymore! - Nikolai beamed, he was very happy with what happened.
- I regret what I said and what happened… However – Fyodor sighed, this was stressful and annoying. He was so good at not getting close to people and Nikolai just had to mess that up. - I did enjoy it, though I don’t think it’s wise if we ever do something similar to that.
- Aww c’mon! You liked it, I liked it, you’re just causing this to drag on, it’ll eventually happen anyway! - Nikolai responded, Fyodor was supposed to be the smart one so he was really waiting for him to realize this but since he still was in denial he decided to try and nudge him slightly.
Fyodor stayed silent for a moment, playing every possible scenario thinking up to five or more years before he finally spoke:
- Damn it, you’re right.
- Yup! So c’mon, let’s give this a try! - Nikolai exclaimed, trying to speed things up since they had already beat around the bush for more then half a year.
- Alright sure. - Fyodor nodded and stood up from the bed. - One more thing though.
- Yes what is it Fedya? - asked Nikolai, curious as to what Fyodor had to say.
Instead of a response, Fyodor leaned and kissed Nikolai.
Nikolai was very surprised and got flustered fast.
- O-oh… Uhm… Alright. - He didn’t know how to react or what to do.
Fyodor nodded before leaving the room.
Nikolai stayed silent as he left the room but as soon as the door shut he screamed in excitement and happiness.
He hugged a pillow as to not scream too loud and then just sat there beaming happily.
***************
Nikolai had laid there for quite a bit without realizing since he was distracted with his thoughts and replaying their kisses.
He heard a knock on the door and sat up straight.
- Yes? Come in. - He said before Dazai opened the door.
- Hey Nikolai! I was looking for Fyodor, we were supposed to go play chess together but he didn’t show up so I figured he was here. - Dazai replied, looking around the small room.
- Oh he left haha! I don’t know where he went actually… - Nikolai explained, still blushing lightly from remembering the kiss.
- Yo Nikolai? - Dazai asked staring at Nikolai.
- Yea? What is it? - questioned the snow haired boy, staring at Dazai slightly confused.
- Why are you blushing? ~ asked Dazai, he already had figured it out and was just amused at Nikolai’s embarrassment as soon as he asked.
- I… Uhm Well! You see- Haha- It’s time for a quiz! How about you try and guess huh? - Nikolai suggested, there were only so many reasons one would blush… and half of them are intimate.
- You kissed Fyodor, right? ~ Dazai replied, smirking at Nikolai’s look of shock and embarassment.
- How did you- alright fine! Yes I did, happy? - asked Nikolai, he was a little annoyed at the teasingness in Dazai’s voice.
- Oh I’m very happy, I can’t wait to tell the others about this boiling hot gossip!! - He replied, turning to leave before Nikolai stopped him.
- Listen and listen carefully. If you tell anyone about what I told you, I’ll tell Chuuya about the time you danced with Sigma at the ball. - Nikolai threatened, he was quite displeased with Dazai spilling the tea especially considering all the circumstances.
- Oh my- You wouldn’t dare! Plus it was just to annoy Sigma! It wasn’t like I like I liked him, plus me and Chuuya weren’t even really dating back then! - Argued Dazai, trying to play off innocent.
- Then why did you hide it from Chuuya? You know damn well he won’t let you talk long enough to hear the reason. - Nikolai replied, crossing his arms at his victory.
- You- Whatever! I’ll have to keep this to myself until senior year now! This sucks. - Dazai pouted as he went to leave the room.
Meanwhile this was happening Fyodor was seated outside the school on the stairs, staring at nothing and rethinking his life decisions.
He wasn’t sure what to think, I mean, he liked Nikolai and what Nikolai said was the truth but it still felt somewhat bad to do.
Then again, he had committed very many sins before this… Ones even non believers think are despicable… They deserved it however.
His thoughts were cut off by a loud noise and someone exclaiming.
- Haha! Found you Fedya! There you are! - cheered Nikolai as he sat down on the step next to Fyodor.
- Is there something you need, Kolya? - asked Fyodor, Nikolai seemed as happy as ever.
- Yup! You wanna be my boyfriend? - Nikolai asked (no shame, he rehearsed on the way) while grabbing Fyodor’s hands and looking him straight in the eyes
Fyodor starred at the other in slight shock and confusion.
- Do you not think it’s soon? We only kissed twice, I mean we were friends for a while but, do you think it’s wise to do this already? - Questioned Fyodor, he thought of the other options, but he didn’t care that much… If Nikolai wanted to be his boyfriend he wouldn’t say no…
(I feel so cringe rn- I’m kinda hungry-)
- I’m sure, I’ve liked you for a while, and I want you to date you! So let’s try it! - Nikolai beamed, excitedly.
Fyodor smiled and nodded.
***************
(warning!! ?) Making out and uhm.. neck biting-
They were sitting in class, both incredibly bored, usually Fyodor would at least be paying attention but the class was boring and he had already learned the subject they were discussing so he wasn’t paying attention.
Fyodor felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to see Nikolai holding up a note.
“Wanna ditch and go hang out? :3” - read the note.
Fyodor gave a small nod and Nikolai raised his hand.
- Sir may I go to the bathroom? (bruv I haven’t been in school so long I literally forgot if this is a thing) – he asked, already thinking up a good excuse for why Fyodor would need to come with him.
- Yes alright. - The teacher responded not looking away from the board.
Nikolai and Fyodor stood up walking to the door of the classroom.
- Wait why are the two of you going? - asked the teacher as he looked up.
- Well, as you know Nikolai gets lost easily. - Fyodor explained.
- He’s been in the school for half a year now… - the teacher replied, very suspicious of them.
- Yes but he forgot the layout over the holidays. - Fyodor answered, very decadent on leaving.
- I don’t get paid enough, just go I don’t care anymore. - the teacher sighed and turned back to the board.
The two left and sneaked away to the classroom next over, it was empty today and they used that to their advantage.
Nikolai hopped onto a desk and pulled Fyodor closer to him.
(the kissing starts now)
Fyodor gently kissed Nikolai gently before unbuttoning Nikolai’s shirt collar just enough to show his neck.
- Oh? Well isn’t this fun. ~ giggled Nikolai as Fyodor trailed down his neck placing light kisses down Nikolai’s neck.
Fyodor chuckled before biting Nikolai’s neck causing the other to gasp slightly in surprise and covering his mouth.
(if anyone left you can come back now)
The door to the classroom opened, the two looked up to see Sigma who seemed shocked, annoyed and disgusted (not homophobe but just tired of them being so outward with their love around the people who know)
- Why is it always me?! Why am I the one who always finds you guys when you’re doing- that! - Sigma exclaimed.
- Next time knock, maybe then you wouldn’t walk in on us making out. - argued Fyodor.
- It’s an empty classroom! Who would knock on an empty classroom?! You guys are too gay for each other for your own good… - Sigma sighed annoyedly before turning to leave. - Oh and you really should be more careful, next time someone else may walk in.
- You’re right. We should probably go since the teacher sent you to look for us, that is why you’re here isn’t it? - asked Fyodor, Nikolai was silent not really listening to the conversation at all.
- Yeah, you guys should head back to class… Oh and you might wanna check on Nikolai I think he totally spaced out from… I’m just gonna leave honestly. - Sigma responded before heading out.
Fyodor and Nikolai followed close behind.
- Oh Nikolai, you should probably fix you shirt collar. - suggested Fyodor, pointing at the mess slightly undone shirt and some marks showing.
- You’re the one who made the mess, how ‘bout you fix it? ~ questioned Nikolai, smirking lightly.
Fyodor sighed and fixed the collar, making sure to make it cover the marks.
- There, now let’s go to class. - he said turning to the door of the classroom.
***************
A couple of months had passed and it was now the day of graduation.
There was gonna be the main ceremony and then an after party which was not so Christian.
Nikolai was ready and excited, he was finally getting some freedom.
All the fourth graders rushed out of the doors to the yard where the ceremony was happening.
There was a make shift stage made for the head master to stand on.
A grand speech to which no one was listening to was made and then the headmaster stared reading the names of the students to go get their diploma.
Each students name was read and they all had gotten their piece of paper.
The students gathered for the after party, grabbing to drink some liquor (in my country you can legally drink alcohol when you’re 18 you just can’t buy it) and get some tasty food.
Everyone celebrated and chatted, playing games and enjoying their last day together.
Fyodor was looking for Nikolai who was no where to be found.
He headed outside to check and saw Nikolai sitting on the steps outside the school.
- Hey Kolya, what are you doing out here? Do you not want to talk with the others before we all go our separate ways? - asked Fyodor as he sat down near Nikolai.
- I was just thinking that’s all, I’ll head back soon. - Nikolai responded, staring at the sky.
- I see, what were you thinking about? - asked Fyodor as he looked at Nikolai.
- Well, I was thinking that… We should run away together! - Nikolai suddenly said as he looked at the setting sun.
- Run away? We don’t have to do that, we’re free from school after all. - Fyodor replied, slightly amused at Nikolai’s dreaminess.
- You know what I mean! We can be together! Even if your family doesn’t approve! We can find a place and like be together all the time! - Nikolai excitedly spoke, he seemed set on this which made Fyodor surprised at how determined he was.
- You know you’re asking to move in with me as well as other things right? At least, that seems to be what you mean. - Fyodor chuckled moving to hold Nikolai’s hand.
- I know! But I want to do that! I want to spend all of my time with you, if you want to that is! - chuckled Nikolai as he beamed his eyes sparkling from the sun light.
- Of course, let us be free together. - Fyodor responded as he got up.
- Going somewhere? - questioned Nikolai curiously.
- Well, is there any point in waiting to find out freedom? - Fyodor asked, reaching out his hand for Nikolai to grab.
- Not at all, shall we go? - Nikolai answered, grabbing Fyodor’s hand and hoisting himself up.
Fyodor nodded and the two walked off together, going to build their own paths in life, finally free from what others think and what they force upon them.
And now that's all!!
4 notes
·
View notes
Photo
BL Semes Tier list
Okay this is inspired by my last post on un popular opinions on BL characters and some one decided to make a tier list for ranking the “Semes/ Tops” lol. I decided to rank mine with only ones that I have read, there are ones that I know the character through osmosis but I haven’t read it at all so I won’t be including those.
there is also a Uke tier list so I might rank those too!
again if you are offended by people talking crap about your favorite character maybe not read any of my posts cause that can’t be avoided here.
but let’s be real for a sec...the actual challenge is me remembering all these people’s names LMAO.
so how I ranked my list was red flag to green....lol not really but it turned out that way. the highest tier is the spicy-nice tier and if you have followed me for a long time I have named my favorites “ spicy- nice “ because they are neither bad boys or good boys entirely and they have that extra something that makes you go...huh?
Spicy-nice tier:
dooshik -Pearl boy
hyunwook- Secondo piatto
taekyeom- Omega complex
wolfgang- kings maker
Giovanni - Hold me tight
hyorung- don’t get me wrong boss
yoonseul - the third ending
Like I said they all have that extra something that separates them from the next ranking of just being the “nice guy” they have parts of them that are imperfect but does not let that affect the relationship with their partners.
----------------------------------------
Good personality but need more development:
woowon- the pizza delivery man and the gold palace
sunyul - Love tractor
jinseng - path to you
seheon- No moral
woon - between the stars
yohan - liveta
jekwon- butler
sunghyun- the origin of species
Dahyeok- killer crush
Hoin- Lucky paradise
Taejun- Unintentional love story
inhyun - insatiable man
reok- willow love story
seowoo- seeing double
holy crap I forgot some of these characters names and even the title, lol its been so long since then. but hopefully these are all right. But these character are great in personality but I feel as though they don’t have a lot of character development yet or was not expanded, which is what disconnects me from them and if that is explored later on they might moved up in rank since I would know them a lot better.
------------------------------------
Don’t feel one way or another:
Howon - runway hit
byeol’s brother...lol. I dont know his name I think its hesung..- Between the stars
Jaeyoung - semantic error
jiwoon - my suha
seongho- painter of the night
Jaeshin- the ghosts nocturne
tsukiyama... lol. I’m kidding but I forgot his name for real - Dine with a vampire
cain- your to claim
taekung..I think lol- Love or hate
Jaewoo -seeing double
so as you can see I don’t feel one way or another, this is due to the fact that I either prefer one character over the other in the same series or in most cases I dropped the entire series and I don’t care about any of the characters. If I don’t know thier names I usually give them nicknames lol.
--------------------------------------
looks better than their personality:
wooyeon - Love history of willful negligence
Ilay - passion
Nakwon - beware of the full moon in march
Jaehyuk - limited run
sehan- shadow realm
ajusshi - dangerous convenient store
like I said 10/10 for looks 4/10 for personality. some of these protags are really shitty and I’ll talk about some of them in my monthly favorites but they just have that personality that I hate (ajusshi is an exception, I just don’t prefer his personality, he isn’t bad ) even though they are good looking fellas.
------------------------------------------
NOPE:
juwon- Love or hate
yoojin - Turn off the camera
Yawhi- Yours to claim
sungyeon - even if I don’t love you...forgot the title
Jaekyung- jinx
ilmo - blind play
jiwon- BJ alex
seoreok - Chess piece ( not that he is bad, I just don’t find him attractive lol)
I don’t think I need to explain really but no means no and sometimes these characters would not take no for an answer and sometimes do despicable things, physical and mentally assault either their partner or people in general...yeah not the most ideal type, but some people love them like their lives depend on it and I worry for them.lol.
the thing that separates the not so good personalities from the nope tier is that there is something about those characters that motivate them to do the things they do..even if it makes them despicable eg. wooyeon is a good example of a sociopath that does not understand peoples actions and feelings towards him which makes him able to get away with punching someone in the face with a smile on and just walking away like nothing just happened. some of the people they do that to are worse than scum...so who is bad person here?
-------------------------------
anyways, that was fun, I need to do an updated BL tier list soon cause I have read more since that time and let me tell you...rankings have changed.
hope you enjoyed and if you feel the same let me know.
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
🧸💤💝🫂 for rosi? :3
sorry for taking so long to reply! i will gladly dump some rosi headcanons into the interwebs
🧸 a headcanon about their childhood
i’m gonna take things back to mariejois because i’ve been obsessed thinking about their family before things got shitty. i think he struggled to hit those traditional “my child is learning successfully” milestones. he took a long time learning how to walk, speak, write, probably failed any tests. his parents never cared tho, and always encouraged him and accommodated for him regardless of what the noble tutors/instructors demanded. however, he was very bright. he beat doflamingo at chess all the time and started to throw the game when his tantrums got too scary.
💤 a headcanon about their sleep
before going undercover, he hardly slept more than a few hours at a time. often stayed up doing research on undercover agent procedures, piracy, so forth. after going undercover, he slept in late, and took frequent naps. good way to avoid dealing with the donquixote family. (that devil fruit helps a lot, too)
💝 a headcanon about their love language
hhhhhh i’m so bad at these. maybe words of affirmation? he seems utterly elated when law finally calls him “cora/cora-san”. i think this could actually work against him too, and could be a reason he stayed undercover for four years without either turning in doflamingo, killing him, or going insane (although he does kinda go insane and kidnap a child but before that.) i think doflamingo was deceptively kind to him. he wanted him to eat the op-op fruit after all, he really needed rosinante to trust and love him for that level of sacrifice. so i’m sure over the four years of hell, doflamingo showered him in praise and care, which spurred comforting and conflicting thoughts of redemption and kept rosinante hanging on by a thread. (heh, get it?)
🫂 a friendship headcanon
exceptionally friendly, but won’t go out of his way to go meet new people or start a conversation. he’s like a conversation chameleon. can adapt to someone’s seriousness/goofiness at the drop of a hat. probably had a lot of friends in the navy, but few if any close friends. i don’t think he’d allow himself to get that close to others because a) maybe he assumes he’s going off undercover soon and might never see them again, or b) he struggles to feel as though he deserves friends. he’s the brother of doflamingo, after all. that man is a monster, and an embarrassment. and he’s his closest blood relative. if anyone learned of that connection, they’d just associate the two, and that’d make him feel even less human than he already does.
thank you for releasing the clown hounds within me. unsurprisingly, some of these responses were kinda long. sorry <3 🤡♥️
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
V9C3
What sites are y’all using? I had to go through like 3 before finding one that would work :/ either way, react time yeehaw
Post Ep: this is essentially a mental breakdown of an episode and I hated every minute of it
I think crwby put more attention into the trees than the story
Weiss for the love of cheese and crackers stop with the fucking wAcKy animations I am begging
Why does this little red shite sound so shitty? I wanna shove him in a locker and give him swirlies. Also wow an entitled dramatic flamboyant prince. What a totally unique idea. I am in utter disbelief at such creativity. How can we ever thank our crwby overlords for such a great character.
I unpause the video and immediately need to kill this stupid shitheel. I cannot believe we are getting all the most annoying characters in a single fucking volume. At this point I’d be willing to endure another fucking Jaundice arc if it meant never hearing the prince or Little ever again
I am losing my goddamn mind every 3 seconds. I’m going to start chanting latin and climbing up the walls and spewing pea soup everywhere
I’m going to go full Blaire Witch. The last y’all are ever going to hear of me is when the forest rangers find my shitty recorder at the torn apart campsite and the last thing you’ll ever hear is me going “Where is the fucking plot what are the themes what is this tone someone help me”
Ruby is red. Shouldn’t that like. Factor in at all? Dude’s so upset at the color green but is totally chill with yellow, black, and blue? Is it because green is the opposite of red?
So it’s a shitty chess game with some elements of wizards chess. Did these motherfuckers really pluck inspiration from Harry fucking Potter? Right down to the kids being pieces??? Are y’all for fucking real??
Wait a goddamn minute the pieces being advanced upon can fight back? What sense does that fucking make? Unless the framing is really awful and I can’t see the space the pieces are fighting over? It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense when Ruby’s calling out moves but the shitlord isn’t
And now it’s a full out assault? What is this game and why does it suck?
Normally I don’t notice music due to my auditory issues but the song coming out of nowhere with a jazz bit was so weird I missed like half the battle
Also RUBY YOU ARE HUGE SWEEP THE FUCKING BOARD DUMBASS
Wow .2 seconds of despair followed by an all out victory. Riveting
Ah the cat monstrosity. The first instance of gradients and it’s so atrocious
NOW LITTLE RECOGNIZES THE FUCKING CAT FUCK THIS GODDAMN MOUSE
Wait wtf Neo fell at the same time as Ruby right? Why is she just now shooting starred into wonderland. Why does she immediately waste energy shifting into Ruby and Cinder? Why would she even want to?
And why build up the twitch creature if it’s just going to be ganked off screen? I assume it’s going to be making a return considering the design but also why didn’t they have it do anything before being Neo’d?
At the very least this hints that Jaune won’t be appearing until later, if crwby can remember their own rules for 5 minutes. We might even be Jaune free a few more episodes! Took Neo 3 to show up so hopefully Jaune won’t make it til 6
#rwde#i cannot wait to see people try to defend this episode. literally nothing last ep had any real affects here#just now realizing they dropped pennys sword and nobody commented#ruby was sooooo drawn to it just to dump it like yesterdays trash#p much the only thing i liked was the diamond pupils of the prince. everything else sucked ass#i am just... astounded#i think they're trying to be this bad#either that or wrote the whole season on every drug known to man and even some unknown#what even was this episode. smash cut from them arriving to the castle to them getting chased#and the only thing missing would be the tiny team context#what a goddamn waste of time#i have work a 12 hour shift tonight i should be going to bed#but now im going to stay up forever fuming abt this waste of human energy#these mfs bled their animators dry for THIS#like its awful no matter the quality but this level of shitty writing is a slap to the goddamn face#bc who tf is going to look at this and be like 'yeah everything was shit but look at this shot i did aint it great?'#theres nothing here worth getting a hangnail for much less all but murdering your employees#gr8 job rt i hope you die in flames and drown in lawsuits#you will not be missed
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
An old draft awaited me here. I recognize the voice, although I don’t remember writing it. Oh, ho ho. How different a person I am from that poor, fractured bird who started this letter. It reads:
Dear Evie,
Tonight I’m lonely, and I miss you. Everything has been going well for me. I’m nervous about writing you, but you never minded listening to me when I was at my lowest points. I feel that if I’m not happy now, I never will be. I have so much to be grateful for, but it’s like some significant part of myself is missing.
I’m nearing my second month of a martial arts class that has changed my life. I got a productivity bonus at work. I haven’t had an asthma attack this spring. I finally have a camp-ready bed frame in the SUV. What I’m the most excited about though, I’m planning a cosplay.
Oh, what a sad human. Still preoccupied with the shitty people who abused them, trying to find joy in their small victories, but never truly happy. Even as they considered the things that should make them happy, the anger lurked in a dark corner of their mind, thirsting to scream out, “Those pieces of shit, they deserve to be punished for what they did to us!” Are pieces of shit ever truly punished? Or do they get flushed because of their reek, never to be bothered with again? That anger stayed with them because they never had a release for it, because they were made to feel that it was wrong of them to be angry after abuse, after denial, after significant betrayal traumas.
I have been competing in fights with about eight months of training under my belt. I’m good. Talented, they say. I worship at the gym, on the mats. I enjoy taking a beating. Each time I get choked out, locked, folded, or wrapped, I get back up and learn from my mistakes. My pride is in playing the game of body chess, studying the mechanics of limbs and joints which I never knew existed. I don’t care how many times I lose. None of it comes easily. I am stubborn enough to keep training, and that is what most people don’t realize. It’s not talent. It’s a mindset. And by now I have won gold a number of times, defeating white belts who have been fighting for over a year.
I have an uncanny physical desire, after months of heightened testosterone and inhaling the pheromones in training partners’ sweat. I eye the young, agile men like delicacies, look on their hard, slick torsos when they strip down after class. The women are fewer and easier to pin. I sometimes find my gaze caught on the crevasse of a soft chest. Occasionally, a man I train with wants me, and I want him back — but I say no. No, for now.
I hate those friends I once had almost as much as I love the new friendships I have discovered — with healthy, kind people who ask about me and look after me like I have always tried to do for others.
The manipulation I faced in my social circles for years has left lasting damage. I’m mentally ill. But now I have fun. Martial arts rewired my brain, treating me better than the medication I should still be taking.
Dear Evie
I can’t say I miss you anymore, small one, but I’m sorry. I’m deeply apologetic that I couldn’t be there to tell those shits what they deserved to hear. To have unloaded on them all that they were due, because they were going to lie and manipulate anyway. You couldn’t have avoided looking bad to the idiots around you who believe that monsters are victims, heroes, and saints.
Stay soft. With love. Yours.
4 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
zaddy808-blog
Untitled
goodiecornbread
Cool Tumblr Blog™️
queenlua
Lost in Lualand
butchmasculinity
a dude, abiding
thinkhappythoughtsornot
Think Happy Thoughts...or not