IV

spring time

heyy heres that...bullshit four & snuf bein twins fic loosely based on This Drawing by @bokettochild

relationships; four & snufkin

ao3 link; x

Four let out a heavy sigh, running his fingers through his hair.

So, he knows he’s a liar, but his lies only work if there’s no proof that he’s lying. So, Four had said he lived with his grandpa and his dad was a knight—but none of it is true. The blacksmith is just a kind old man who took Four in, and Four doesn’t know his dad. Four has successfully avoided the sibling topic…until now. The chain were travelling, looking for a village, when they had frozen upon the sound of a harmonica playing nearby. “New spring tune.”Four had mused as an instinct. He always knows when his brother is near, because he always plays his harmonica. Everywhere he goes, the music follows. “What?”Wind glanced at Four, tilting his head when the music seemed to get closer. “That music.”Four smiled, turning to Wind. “It’s a new spring tune.” “And yet, you’re the normal one.”Legend mumbled as they continued walking. Four let out a laugh, humming along to the nearby tune. No doubt that his brother was close, probably wandering and playing his harmonica with his eyes shut. “Why do you call it a ‘new spring tune’, little one?” “Because it’s a new spring tune, Time. Every year, he makes a new one while travelling.” “He?” Four shot a smile, continuing to walk. Soon enough, a figure appeared from the trees with a harmonica pressed to his lips as the music flowed out. The music was cut short as he walked into a tree, falling back onto the grass. Four couldn’t help it and burst out laughing as the others went to help his useless brother up. Snufkin is an idiot. He’s smart—goddesses, he and Snufkin are two of the only three smart people in their very large family—but he is so damn stupid. “Watch where you’re going, dumbass.” “Four!”Warriors shot him a light glare, but faltered when the other laughed. “Good to see you too, little one.”Snufkin smiled gently, arms crossed. “I see you’re doing well. It’s been a while—the blond suits you.” “Oh…thank you! We—um, I—wanted to switch it up a bit.”Four beamed, before glancing at the others. “Aaand y’all are confused. Alright, so, this is my brother Snufkin. Snuf, these are the band of idiots I’m travelling with. They’re, unfortunately, idiots by nature and not by choice.” “Truly a shame.” “Go fuck yourself, Four.”Legend rolled his eyes. “It’s true and you know it.”Four mumbled, blinking when Snufkin let out a laugh. “I’d hate to keep you all from where you’re headed.” Four frowned gently, and paused before grinning. “Why don’t you come with us?” “Ah?—” “Well, I’m guessin’ that you’re headin’ to the valley, right?” “Of course. It’s the first day of spring, after all.”Snufkin nodded, urging Four to continue. “Well, we’re looking for a village or any general civilisation. And from your letters, Moominvalley seems like a safe place for us to stay until another portal opens.” “Portal?” “I’ll explain that later. So, what d’ya say? Think we can travel together?” Snufkin stayed quiet, and thought about it for a good few minutes before nodding. “I don’t see why not. It would be good for My to meet you.” “My?” “One of our sisters was, to put it bluntly, forgotten by our mother at Moomin house. Moominmama and Moominpapa have been caring for her. The valley isn’t too far from here.” “One of? How many sisters do you have?”Hyrule spoke up, causing the brothers to shrug. “Hundreds, maybe even thousands. Same with brothers. Snuf and I are the only ones out of us that have Joxter as our dads. We’re twins.” “That we are. Funny how we’re two of the only three smart ones in our family too. So when did you get so smart, anyways?”Snufkin snorted, walking with the chain. When I started existing. Jackass. Eat a dick, Blue. You wanna fucking fight? I could kick your ass Guys! Please don’t fight! I swear, dealing with you two is like a full time fucking job Get bent Four blinked, choosing to ignore…whatever that was…and shrug. “Coincidentally, around the time I left home when we were 12.” “Ah. Makes sense.” “You left home when you were twelve? Why?”Wind blinked. “Snuf left at 15 if I remember right.” “Mym somehow survived to 18 and I will always respect her for that.” “But..why did you leave so early?”Time sighed, a concerned frown on his face. “Time, we just said we have hundreds, if not thousands, of siblings. With one parent.” “What about your father?” “He left us in a basket on our mother’s doorstep after five months of parenting us.”Snufkin shrugged loosely, pressing his harmonica against his lips again as he resumed his tune. Four cracked a little smile, humming quietly along with the sound of Snufkin’s harmonica. Four used to be able to play, but now… Now he can’t really coordinate it due to the colours always arguing. He wishes they could get along, but he can see why they don’t. Three heroes and a traitor to the crown in one headspace? It’s a disaster, really. “You’re thinking hard about something.” “You haven’t seen me in five years, how can you still tell?” “Well, you chew your nails when you think. Though—what happened to your index finger?” Four blinked, eyes drifting down to his hands. He—Blue, not Four—lost the finger up on that mountain. When split, Blue is the only one missing it, but this works the same as Violet’s curse does. Four has their traits when himself. This includes Red’s heart condition, Violet’s curse, Blue’s missing finger, and even Green’s entirely burnt right side. The only part of his right side that isn’t burnt is the face. It was caused by laying on that damned platform for too long. “Oh, that…it was an accident.” “So you won’t elaborate, then?”Snufkin cracked a grin, walking across the bridge with the others. There’s a tall, blue house up ahead. It must be Moomin House. “We will not be elaborating.” Snufkin raised a brow, but hummed. “I’m going to set up my tent in the usual spot. Moomin house is just up there. Tell them you’re with me. I’ll be up soon.” “Soon in our terms, or everyone else's terms?” “Our terms.” Four nodded. “Well, see you whenever.” “See you whenever.” With that, Four led the others up to the house and knocked on the door, rocking back and forth on his heels. Four and Snufkin exchange letters often, so Four knows a bit about them. There’s technically only three Moomins in the home—Moominmama, Moominpapa, and Moomintroll. There’s also this creature named Sniff who is around a lot, Snufkin described him as a greedy asshole. Four’s impression of him will absolutely be based on what he’d been told. Then there’s Little My—another one of their siblings. She’s actually older than them both, she’s just incredibly small and about the size of a football. We could punt her across a room. We will not be doing that. Boo. Then there’s Snorkmaiden, and…from what Four has been told, she’s too interested in how she looks. She also loves too much, but Four’s learned to understand that. Red is similar in that way. She loves a lot, too. But Snufkin thinks Snorkmaiden can be a bit extreme with it. The door opened, and Four shot a gentle smile at the other. “Hello. You’re…Moominmama, I’m assuming?” “Ah—Yes, yes I am. Who are you, little one?” Why does everyone call us that?! Because collectively we’re 4’3 , Blue, now shut up! “I go by the name Four. I hear you know my brother, Snufkin?” “Oh, another one of Mymble’s children then..”She seemed to sigh, before greeting them all and inviting them inside. “I assume he’s back, then?” “Yeah…he went to set up his tent.”Four hummed gently, trying to be as respectful as possible. When Four doesn’t know people, he gets uncomfortable. And when he gets uncomfortable, he can lash out. Now, that varies—sometimes he lashes out in anger, sometimes he cries from the stress of new people, sometimes he gets too intense about wanting to know them, and sometimes he cuts himself off completely. He’s a bit of a wild card, and it…it really separates him from his brother. Because Snufkin is predictable in terms of emotions, while Four isn’t. Four is an emotion roulette wheel. You have to pray for a positive reaction, and if you don’t get one? Well, then, you pray for your life. Four is a threat. He doesn’t mean to be, and he certainly doesn’t try to be, but he is one. Sometimes, Four wishes he could be more like Snufkin. The guy is carefree, most people trust him, and he’s so easygoing and relaxed. Hell, he often steals signs and burns them and causes general chaos and people still love him. Four would love to be like that. It’s one of the few things the colours agree on… He supposes he should tell Snufkin about them someday. Maybe he could even let him meet them all? That one is least likely. Four agrees. That…that could go wrong in so many ways. The idea of telling him is enough, Four decided. “So, are you two alike?” “I’d say so. We’re both very in tune with nature…though, unlike him? I have a job.”Four snorted, before tuning out of the conversation. Of course, this is Vio’s way of dealing with new people. Vio isn’t a sociable person, and barely ever shows up to talk with the chain. Four understands. He didn’t really expect Vio to change much. Four jumped when a hat was dropped onto his head, covering his eyes. “Well, you’re not very talkative.”Snufkin let out a laugh as Four lifted the hat up, holding it on his head but above his eyes. “Don’t have a lot to say.”Four mumbled, smiling faintly. “For someone who thinks a lot, that’s a surprise.” Four paused for a moment. People really think he’s thinking a lot? He fucking wishes. But, as he glanced around the house, and out of the window, he knows why Snufkin comes here a lot. His brother may be a bit of a forest dweller, who doesn’t really have a job and just travels, but he’s right about some things. The springtime is nice here. “I don’t think a lot. I zone out sometimes is all.”Four shrugged loosely, watching as some minish climbed up onto the hat. He knows only he and Wind can see them, but he smiled at the sight anyways. Four let out a gentle sigh, leaning back and letting the hat fall over his eyes. He wishes he could be more like his brother. Snufkin is a good person.

Four hopes he can be just as good as his brother someday.

Okay, big rant with SPOILERS, i honestly thought RE7 Chris was Hunk without a mask. Without the DLC, i thought it would go like this :

Blue Umbrella sends Hunk to "save" the Winterses and claim himself as "Chris Redfield", building trust with them, etc. We'll call him Hunk!Chris for now.

Fast forward to RE8, the Winterses are having a nice little dinner, when BAM BAM BAM, gunshots and ambush from men in masks - i repeat, IN MASKS - like the ones worn by Hound Wolf Squad. One of them wears a slightly different mask, is called 'Alpha', and he takes Rose away.

Ethan's convoy crashes, and he's rescued by Hunk!Chris, and is told to go to the village and meet Mother Miranda and the Four Lords. They're not acting hostile at first, but they show how they hate the men in masks - bear in mind, the Lords look just the way they are, big woman, scary creature, and all.

The difference is, they claim to be the leftovers of Umbrella's old experiments, and that 'Alpha' and his team wants to eradicate them for good. Mother Miranda lets Ethan stay with them.

Well, our boy Ethan can't sit still, so he snoops around the guarded village, only to be attacked by the lycans, the monsters and all. He finds clues from the villagers, enough to make him secondguess the Lords.

Now, important, this is RE8, and Leon always appears in even numbered franchise, so we're gonna put him here.

In helping the villagers, Ethan is assisted by Leon. He then sees Leon talking on comms to Chris, and Ethan concludes 'oh must have been a member of Chris' squad or something'. The convo may sound like this:

Leon to comms: Chris? Where the fuck are you? ...yeah, but - well, have you seen the village lately? There are lycans everywhere, how am i supposed to be there - ...*sigh* aye ay, captain.

Ethan: Well?

Leon: Well... I'm needed elsewhere now.

Ethan: Chris' not an easy guy to persuade, huh?

Leon: You tell me. In the twenty years that i've known him, he's only listened to me twice. See you around.

(yeah, whatever convo they be having, Leon is implying that he knows Chris the best, and that Ethan believes him, and they part ways).

Eventually, after prodding around the village, Ethan finds out too much, and figures out that Rose is actually safe and sound in Lady D's castle, so he tries to get her back. Lady D and her daughters deny at first, until they can't play nicely any longer, and shows their true selves. After killing them, Ethan finds out Rose has been taken away to another Lord's house.

Now comes the hunt.

So Ethan goes on Liam Neeson's Taken mode. He goes to Beneviento's house, asks questions only to be played with, so he has no option but to kill.

While heading to Moreau's place, Ethan encounters the Men in Masks, got captured, and taken to their hideout. They are all still wearing masks. Though he hears them saying things like, "he killed two out of four Lords", "do you think Miranda knows?", etc.

Ethan believes he's going to be taken back to the remaining Lords and killed for good, but then BAM, big fishy comes to the rescue.

So now Ethan goes to Moreau, fights him, and gets told to stay away from Mother Miranda. In the brink of death, Moreau's willing to spill the details, but he is shot dead by sniper instead.

Coming forward is Hunk!Chris, claiming to have saved Ethan, and being all friendly and stuff. Naturally, Ethan tells him of what he has done, killing three out of four Lords, and meeting the mysterious masked men. Hunk!Chris tells Ethan to just kill the masked men whenever possible.

So, Ethan travels with Hunk!Chris to Heisenberg's place. Quite a way. All good at first, until Hunk!Chris offers to split up to cover more ground.

Poor Ethan meets Heisenberg all alone, has to join in his little game, kicked twice to the bottom of the factory. The second time, he's crawling out of the vent, and sees bloody Hunk!Chris being held by two men in masks. So naturally, Ethan jumps to help.

Sooo Ethan manages to have one of the masked men in grip, gun pointed to his temple, and begins to negotiate.

Ethan: you okay, Chris?

Hunk!Chris: *grunt*

Masked men #1 to Alpha: his name is Chris?

Ethan: so are hundreds thousands of people in the world.

Alpha: what's the last name?

Hunk!Chris: ...Redfield.

The masked men look around in shock, but the Alpha approaches Hunk!Chris.

Alpha: So you're the copycat we've been looking for.

Ethan: copycat? What the fuck are you talking about?

Alpha looks at Ethan: Ethan Winters, right?

Ethan: yeah?

Alpha: this man isn't the good guy like he claims he is.

Hunk!Chris: bullshit!

Alpha: shut up.

Ethan: i'm not gonna believe the men who killed my wife - Chris saved my fucking life!

Alpha: it wasn't Mia Winters that we shot, it was Miranda. She disguised herself as your wife to get to your daughter.

Ethan: then where's Mia?

Alpha: Miranda had locked her up. She's safe with us. Now, put the gun down, Ethan -

Ethan: if he's not Chris, then who the fuck is he?

Yeah basically it's a big "fuck you" "no, fuck you" moment, until Leon arrives at the right timing to declare.

Leon: Umbrella's special forces, codename Hunk.

Ethan: Leon?

Alpha: took you long enough.

Leon: i had a detour. Ethan, i've known Chris long enough to know that he doesn't look like that. That man isn't Chris Redfield.

Ethan: wha - why are you agreeing with him?

And Alpha finally unmasks, and shows the face we all recognize, and says, "Because i am Chris Redfield."

Sooo, Real Chris elaborates on how he has been hunting Blue Umbrella, about Hound Wolf Squad, about Mother Miranda and her real plan. Leon is apparently sent to deal with the identity theft, and he elaborates on info regarding Hunk, Blue Umbrella, all working together with Mother Miranda.

All in all, they get to an understanding. Ethan is fucking seething for being betrayed, but more importantly, he wants to help. Before all of them can compose themselves, Heisenberg drops by, clapping, having been listening to the whole thing. He manages to separate the group, Ethan going with Chris, while Leon goes with the rest of HWS.

Cue boss fight of Heisenberg vs Ethan and Chris.

Now afterwards, the duo heads to Mother Miranda. They split up, Chris to plant a bomb, while Ethan is supposed to wait for Leon and backup. But the backup never comes, and Ethan drives head on to face Miranda on his own.

Well, this is where Chris sees what Ethan really is, how he still survives despite being injured and all that. And Ethan seems to have come to terms with his unusual condition, that killing Mother Miranda is a one way ticket for him.

So Mother Miranda dies, Rose is saved, but Ethan is also dying. Chris forces Ethan up and running, carefully, as the body is crystallizing. But Ethan is at his limit.

And as you all know, he knows he has to sacrifice himself to detonate the bomb, cause let's face it, he will never make it out alive. Even if he does, barely, he doesn't want to live as a BOW. So he hands Rose over to Chris, asking him to please tell Mia that he's sorry, and that he loves her and Rose, and that everything's gonna be okay now, he's gonna set things right.

Aaand boom.

(sorry)

That's about it. No fast forward to some years later at the ending.

I'm also thinking that perhaps in mid story, there should be a time when the players get to play as Real Chris as Alpha, only that it's never mentioned who he is. The players only see from first person perspective, and his voice is like coming from radio (ya know what i mean), and it's shown how he goes so far to save Mia. How Mia reacts to him all scared and is all like, "who are you?" With no explanation, then it shifts back to Ethan.

Reading back, this is hella long to write, but yeah this is what i thought upon seeing RE7 Chris, like the fuck, that can't be Chris. And working with Blue Umbrella? Really? I think real Chris would be having Racoon flashback from just hearing the word 'Umbrella'.

From @lightveils on Twitter (free to use wherever!). I’ve been meaning to do this for a while. I definitely have enough fics to fill it lol~

-0-

A Fic You Love Without Knowing The Source Material:

I was born for this by esama (Assassin’s Creed | Altair x Desmond | M)

Juno did her best to lead him to her preferred fate, but the end is coming and Desmond has doubts.

A Fic With A Premise That Shouldn’t Work But Does:

Proposing To Strangers by moonstalker24 (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | G)

At the end of a strained relationship, crime novelist Stiles chooses to hide from the world inside a bar with far too many motorcycles outside it for comfort. Here he'll meet the man of his dreams, eat food and propose marriage, all within the first five minutes.

Peter doesn't know who this kid is, but he's cute and looks like he could use a break. So he feeds him. He's not expecting a marriage proposal, but with what comes after, he doesn't really mind.

A Fic You’ve Reread Several Times:

Hooverville by twothumbsandnostakeincanon (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | E)

Town to town, train to train, tent to tent.

By 1932, the dust had begun to blow and the jobs were gone.

Anonymity was a byproduct of looking for work, which made it both necessary and convenient.

Stiles had enough secrets of his own to know to look the other way when he saw something that shouldn’t be possible.

The ghost of a tail giving enough balance to disembark a moving train.

Near silent Latin whispered on the edge of a tent encampment.

A flash of burning eyes.

He had more than enough to worry about without adding the oddities of others, and besides- having unusually sharp teeth certainly didn’t make a man worse than the ones running from the wife and kids they couldn’t feed.

So Stiles kept his observations to himself. He kept his everything to himself.

Until he met a man. One with eyes so blue they seemed to glow- and then they did.

Stiles tried to look away, but for the first time he was stopped.

“Don’t be like that sweetheart. Aren’t you curious?”

A Fic You Still Remember Many Years Later:

All True-Hearted Souls by mardia (Temeraire | Laurence x Granby | G)

“For God's sake, if someone doesn't talk Laurence out of these constant heroics, I wouldn't bet a farthing on his chances; no, and not ours either.” Four times that John Granby helped save William Laurence's life. Laurence/Granby. Spoilers up to Empire of Ivory.

A Comfort Fic:

Nothing Improper by Bunnywest (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | G)

“How long since someone touched you, sweet boy?” Peter asks, his voice barely a breath in Stiles’ ear. “Days? Weeks? Months?” Stiles nods imperceptibly at that last one.

“After…after everything, after Allison,” is all Stiles manages to get out.

A Cathartic Fic:

Swing by ShippersList (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | T)

Stiles wants to fly.

A Fic You’d Print And Put On Your Bookshelf:

Nose to the Wind by Batsutousai (HP | Tom x Harry | M)

While Harry had been content with his second chance, that didn't keep him from thinking what he could have done different, how many people could have survived if he hadn't been set on the very specific path he'd walked. Third time is the charm, though, right?

A Fic You Associate With A Song (x2):

Strange Duet by BelleAmante, thiliart (thilia) (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | M)

The past three years have been a series of shocking, or not so shocking, successes for 2018 Tony award winner and two time Grammy nominee, Stiles Stilinski. You don’t typically find classically trained opera singers singing alternative folk rock to crowds at Coachella. Nor do you find indie singer/songwriters winning best actor awards at the Tony’s for their Broadway debuts. Stilinski has made it his lifetime habit to defy and exceed all expectations.

-or-

A Steter fic loosely based on Phantom of the Opera

~

Full Circle by Nike Femme (FMA | Roy x Ed | T)

Edward Elric returns with amnesia. He has lived the past four years as Auric, a Gatekeeper. But there are some battles that only he can fight. Will his friends be able to awaken Ed, and what happens to Auric if they do?

A Fic That Inspires You:

Off the Line by esama (FFVII | Cloud x Vincent | T)

In which Cloud gets a Virtual Reality Dream Console – ShinRa's latest in virtual reality technology. Aaand everything pretty much goes downhill from there.

A Fic That Brought You On Board A New Ship:

Me and Mine by linndechir (Fast and the Furious | Deckard x Owen | E)

The last time they'd spoken, Deckard had told Owen that he was tired of cleaning up his messes. But the first thing he did after breaking out of prison was to take Owen to the other end of the world so they could lick their wounds and start planning their revenge.

A Fic You Wish Could Be A Movie:

Moving In (To Every Single Aspect of Danny’s Life, Including the Boring Bits like Dry-Cleaning) by westgirl (Hawaii Five-0 | Steve x Danny | T)

It felt wrong for Steve to sound unsure of his place in Danny’s life. His place in Danny’s life was at Danny’s side, driving him slowly insane. Steve should feel secure about that.

A Fic That Led To You Making Friends With The Author:

Begin and End by Rikkamaru (Log Horizon x HP | G)

This is how it begins: a boy rejected by his family, a boy reunited with his brother by his sister-in-law's intervention. A boy who found a family in an online game. But how will it end?

FREE SPACE:

Reverti Ad Praeteritum by Batsutousai (Fullmetal Alchemist | Roy x Edward | M)

Unwillingly forced to serve as a human trial for a crazy alchemist experimenting with time travel, Edward Elric finds himself standing across from Truth in the moment it takes his leg from him. Armed with the knowledge of what's to come and burdened with guilt for the choices he'd made as an adult, Ed sets out to fix every mistake he ever made and save every life they ever lost, no matter what it takes.

A Fic You’ve Gushed About IRL:

Designation: Miracle by umisabaku (Kuroko no Basket | M)

It's been three years since seven human experiments, called "Miracles," escaped Teiko Industries, alerting the world to the presence of super-powered children. Now they're finally integrating into society-- going to normal high schools, playing basketball, falling in love-- and trying to find out if it's possible to truly escape their past.

A Fic You Associate With A Place (have to self-rec for this one):

Safe Harbour by cywscross (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles x Chris | T)

Peter didn't think he'd find a home here. He certainly didn't think he'd find a home with two other men.

Chris and Stiles prove him wrong.

A Fic That Made You Gasp Out Loud (kind of? it was suspenseful):

Sanctuary by DiscontentedWinter (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | E)

The Hale Wolf Sanctuary isn’t just for wolves.

It turns out it’s for Stilinskis as well.

A Fic You Found At The Right Time:

slow increments by Areiton (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles)

Peter is enigmatic, egotistical, sometimes barely sane. He's sharp and cutting and takes more time to care for the pack than anyone.And sometimes, John catches him watching Stiles.

A Fic That You Would Read Fic Of:

if you try to break me, you will bleed by Dialux (Game of Thrones | Jon x Sansa | T)

It had been a slash across her chest from a White Walker’s sword that finally ended her life. Sansa’d landed in a puddle of her own blood, and she’d died quickly, quietly.

And then she’d awoken with a gasp, trembling, in a bed that had burned under Theon’s betrayal.

A Fic That Made You Laugh Out Loud:

The Path towards Unwilling Godhood by Sky_King (Bleach | Kisuke x Ichigo | G)

Ichigo has never had the most normal life, and this latest chapter of it is no different.

"I'm not a god!"

A Fic With A Line (Or Two) That You’ve Memorized By Heart:

Atlas by distractedKat (Star Trek | Spock x Jim | T)

Between what was and what will be stands James Tiberius Kirk, in all his fractured patchwork glory. Because saving the Federation was only the beginning.

A Fic That Gave You Butterflies:

The Rest of Our Lives by mia6363 (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | T)

“I don’t know, as a kid I watched a lot of movies, you know? And at first I figured like… I’d be on some great adventure that would take me away from it all, you know? Like Indiana Jones comes around and is all, ‘Hey Stiles, buddy, come with me we’ve got to go save the world.’ Then… you and… everything happened… then I just… I figured I’d die before I was eighteen.”

A Fic That Embodies Something You Value In Life:

The Boy Sleuth by Shey (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | T)

Stiles is eight when he discovers a box of his mom’s old Nancy Drew Mysteries in the back of the guest bedroom closet.

A Favourite AU:

Love What is Behind You by KouriArashi (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | M)

Basically what it says on the label. Hunger Games type fusion. Stiles doing way better than anyone anticipates. Peter finds him intriguing. Ruthless, devious assholes working together to ruin bad guys, as the Steter ship is meant to be.

A Fic You Stayed Up Too Late To Finish Reading:

Of Dwobbits, Dragons and Dwarves by ISeeFire (The Hobbit | Fem!Bilbo x Fili | T)

Bilba has been a slave her entire life. All she knows of the outside world is what she sees from time to time outside the gates of Moria and the stories her mother used to tell her. Stories of a place called the Shire where her mother once lived and a placed called Erebor where, as far as she knows, her father still lives. Stories of dragons a thousand times larger, and more intelligent, than the beasts the orcs rode and of a strange concept called freedom where one was allowed to live as they wished with no one to tell them what they could, or could not do.

The stories meant little to Bilba. The only future she had was to live, and die, as a slave as countless number had before her.

And then the orcs dragged an injured female firedrake through the gates, her rider screaming obscenities behind her as he fought to reach her side...and everything changed.

A Fic That Made You Feel Seen (another self-rec lol):

i am addicted to death (so remind me what it’s like to live) by cywscross (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | T)

Stiles is sixteen years old. He has already died seventy-eight times.

(Everyone is sitting together. It doesn't really matter where, but they're all outside and having a great time. Lance, Walter, Marcy, Killian, Eyes, Ears, August, Ramsey, Sky, Felix, Gwynn, Jack, and Hiro. Other friends, such as Joy and Tonya [the security lady], aren't too far away. Lovey, Jeff and Crazy Eyes are present as well, calmly strutting around, being petted by various members of the group.) Walter: I remember when I was six, I went to my mom's room and was watching her put on her makeup for the day. She was kinda used to that, since I followed her everywhere. Well, I told her I liked her makeup, and that she was really good at putting it on. So then I'm like "Hey, what's it like to wear makeup?" And she goes, "I don't know, I'm used to it." And she looked at me, because I think she knew that I was building up to asking if I could wear some. I told her I just wanted to wear what she was wearing, just to know. She had to think about that for a minute, hah! Marcy: This feels like a really important part of your flamboyant origin story. (Everyone laughs, Walter included.) Walter: YES, definitely! So like, she was a little thrown, I think? But then she was like "Yeah, sure, okay, you can try on my makeup," and she had me sit in her little chair in front of the mirror. She was telling me that it was gonna feel funny, that I needed to be still so she wouldn't accidentally poke my eye, all that good stuff. My mom was SUPER attentive whenever she tried new things with me, because of the Asperger's. We really didn't know what could trigger that potential sensory overload or what I might be overwhelmed by, so I think she was more nervous about that than anything. Well... Before she started, I asked her if wearing makeup would make me less of a boy. I said, "Only girls wear makeup, and when boys like girly things, they get made fun of." I was really aware of that. I always SO BADLY wanted to take my Unitee to school, as a comfort object, but I was scared to death of the other kids taking her from me and tearing her up or something. So -- anyway, mom goes, "No, some boys wear makeup," and she said, "Did you know that men wear makeup in other parts of the world?" And she told me about the Egyptians, ancient peoples and how makeup was originally for everybody, all that cool stuff. SHE info-dumped on ME! (They all laugh a little.) Walter: It was just really striking to me how...progressive she was, like there was nothing I could do that she didn't support. I told her I didn't think I wanted to wear makeup all the time, and she said "Good, you're too young for it anyway." (More laughs.) Walter: So I sat there, and she started putting the makeup on me. She put on my eye shadow, then eye liner, then mascara... It was exhausting! How do people wear it ALL THE TIME? (They all nod and chuckle and Marcy raises her hand, drawing attention to herself.) Marcy: It's the way of the woman, Walter. Killian: And the very flamboyant, but no-less-masculine man. Ramsey: I tried on makeup once. Turned my rat face into a rat face with paint on it. (All laughter.) Sky: Hah, okay babe, so what happened next? Walter: *giggles softly* Well, then she put a little blush on just for the fun of it, and then put lipstick on me. We both kept laughing, I think she was laughing at me because I kept pursing my lips out SUPER hard! She was like "Just relax a little!" And I would, and then I would purse really hard again! (Laughs.) Gwynn: That's so cute, hah hah. Walter: We had this really long talk about how boys are not boys because they don't wear makeup, and girls aren't girls because some of them do wear makeup. Same with pants, and dresses. She said that if I am a boy, then that's what I am no matter what I have on. I was like... "If?" (Lots of concerned chuckles and a few laughs roll through the group.) Lance: OH shit, she probably didn't count on that one. Walter: NO, NOT AT ALL. I mean, it wasn't that long ago, but honestly transgender, non-binary and all the LGBT stuff has REALLY just been gaining traction in the past few years. Like I said, she was REALLY progressive. Felix: Did she have to explain that? Walter: *nods* A little. She kept it simple, she was like "Well, sometimes little boys feel like they aren't actually boys, and they feel like they're girls, so they choose to be girls and that's who they really are." I asked her how that's possible, because I have to over-analyze everything, pfft. She said she couldn't really explain it, that it was fine that I didn't understand, that she could tell me later. Yeah -- whenever she couldn't explain a hard topic to me, she was always really good about saying it was okay that I didn't understand it. Living in a world where you're expected to just GET everything, whether it's a hard or an easy concept, that was always nice. Hiro: *nods* Jack: Everyone should be told that, you've got a point there. Sky: I could not STAND when teachers were like "Oh ThiS iS eAsY, eVeRyOnE eLsE gEtS iT" LIKE BITCH, SHUT UP. *claps between words* I'M- NOT- THEM. Lance: RIGHT THOUGH?!

Ears: Rude.

Walter: Exactly! Everyone is different. Not even from an Autistic standpoint, just a HUMAN CHILD standpoint, my mom was really good with helping me be okay with my environment. August: Do you think if you were neurotypical, she would've been just as good, or like, less good or not as...paying attention? Walter: *thinks for a moment* Mmm... I mean, she was really good with me before I was even diagnosed, she was really patient and tried to roll with the fact that I was somehow very different from my peers. But no, I think she probably would've been about the same. Maybe less careful, or less afraid of setting me off somehow, but she DEFINITELY wouldn't have loved me less or had been any less kind. She was just...a great mother, plain and simple. (Gwynn reaches across the table and gently takes his hand, silently offering a bit of love. Walter smiles sadly to her.) Lance: So, what happened with the makeup? Walter: *sits up and takes in a deep breath* I told her it felt weird, aaand she said that was normal... *smiles softly* She told me I was pretty... I asked if I could show grana, so we went and found her in the living room and showed her. Ramsey: Oooh, was granny as progressive as mom? Walter: OH yeah, she was definitely where my mom got it from. She loved it! Marcy: *shaking her head slowly in awe* That is so rare, like WOW. Walter: Mm-hm. Yeah, I actually came out to grana when I was 14. I said, "I think I'm gay," and she looked me dead in the eye and said, "Oh, I knew that!" (They all laugh.) Walter: I was like, "Whaaat??" She told me that her and mom figured that out when I was two. Lance: ...What the hell was you doin' when you were TWO to give that away??? (They all chuckle.) Walter: HAH hah! I asked her that, and she said that my mom was just watching me play. I wasn't doing anything special, I -- she just said "I think my son is gay." And apparently, grana felt the same way? It turns out, big shocker, I am not mysterious. Hahahah! Felix: No, no you are NOT. Gwynn: Your family was really cool, Walter. Walter: Yeah... They were... (He nods his head slowly, eyes becoming a little wet. But he smiles, warm memories, love, and a little sadness filling his heart.) Walter: And now I have this cool family, so... I'm really really l-ucky-- (He wipes his eyes, trying not to cry.) Walter: Nnnaaahhh!! I don't wanna cry, aha hah...! Marcy: *chuckles* It's okay. Walter: Gah, I know. I cry enough though, I can go TEN MINUTES without! (They all chuckle, but there is an expression of care for him in everyone.) Walter: So that's the makeup story. *sniffles and wipes his eye one more time* I ended up not wearing it again after that, until the -- *motions to Jack* the mission! Jack: That was some fun, eh? Heheh! Really, Walter, you did make for a lovely lady! Walter: *laughs* Well thank you!! Hiro: I think it's nuts when people can tell their kids are gay. Killian: Yeh, some people honestly just feel that. I've heard about pregnant women being able to feel their unborn child is a certain way, and then years later they figure out they're right. Mind-boggling. Walter: There really is nothing harder to explain than a mother's instinct! Lance: Yeah, then there's MY mom. When I was like fifteen, my mom caught me dancin' in my room to this really fruity song and some dumbass chick flick was on the TV, and... (Everyone starts laughing.) Lance: *waves it off* So she busts in my room and is like *mocking voice* "Lance, you wanna tell me somethin'? Are you gay?" and I got all defensive and was like "NO MOM" in this really squeaky voice. (The laughter continues, and Lance along with them.) Lance: I knew what bein' gay was, and I knew how people made fun of it -- I made fun of it back then, everyone used it as an insult, there was all this misinformation about it flying around. My mom wasn't even being accusatory, she wasn't like MAD about it or anything, but from then on, ALL the time, if I did somethin' kinda questionable she was like "YoU gAy?!" So I'd try to make my voice deeper, like *makes voice deeper* "NO, MAMA. I LIKE GIRLS." (Laughter) Eyes: Did she try to get you for overcompensating? Lance: *claps and points at her* YES, I was just about to say! So I started gettin' pissed off about the gay thing, right? Well, my mom didn't know that I was listenin' to Afro Man back then. Hiro: What is that? Lance: Look him up, he's hilarious! Best song, Colt 45, hands down.

Ears: It's pretty funny, gotta admit. August: THAT SONG. IS SO. GROSS. Walter: When I was in middle school I heard some of the other kids singing it, I was sooo confused! August: Weren't you like FOUR in middle school? Walter: HAH HAH no, I was seven! August: PFFFT, OKAY, well that's still awful. Walter: *nods* Lance: My mom asked me if I was gay for the last damn time before I brought out my little laptop and started BLASTIN' Colt 45. Marcy: What even is that song?? Lance: It's literally just a rap song about the Afro Man having sex with dozens of women and being real vulgar about it, but not like your normal rap song. August: It's kind of like a parody, but it's not? Marcy: *sits back* Ew. Lance: Heh heh heh, yeah, when she heard that she went OFF on me. She was like "WHERE'D YOU FIND NASTY TRASH LIKE THAT YOU DELETE THAT RIGHT NOW" and started whippin' at my ass with the hand towel! (Laughter) Lance: I was running away cryin', screaming "I WAS JUST TRYIN'A TELL YOU I'M NOT GAY" and she goes "THAT'S WHAT OVERCOMPENSATIN' LOOKS LIKE!" (Their laughter is loud, boisterous, and unapologetic.) Ramsey: You get in trouble?! Lance: BIG TIME. Actually -- HA -- yeah, that's how I got into the military, she said "fuck this child and his stupid gay ass, he's gonna be a marine," stuck me on a plane and shipped me off. (The laughter is settling, but still genuine.) Lance: Nah nah I'm jokin', that's a joke. But yeah, I wasn't allowed on the internet for like three months after that. Walter: Hmhmhm! Did she finally stop asking? Lance: Yeah, yeah finally. I think that was the last straw. Marcy: Hey, where was your dad during all this? Lance: Oh god, you know him, he just kinda...stayed out of it, heh. He's definitely the more submissive one. But that's all right, mama's good to him. Killian: I personally adore your mother. Lance: Yeah, 'cos she showed you my baby pictures. Killian: You had the fattest fuckin' face on any infant I've ever seen. Lance: Whatever! You probably weighed like 18 pounds when you came out, you tank! (Walter unintentionally leads into the group laughing fit with a heavy "PFFT!") Killian: *laughing* I was thin as a rail 'til i was 17! Lance: Nah, you was what took down the Hindenburg, 100%. Killian: Bitch your face WAS the Hindenburg! Those CHEEKS! (The laughter only gets harder. The stories go on, the happiness rolls on forever. Eventually, Joy and Tonya join the group. This really is Walter's family, and it's perfect.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's a little cheesy, but we could use some of that right now. I had this idea of Walter and Wendy a couple months ago, but never once even spoke of it. I thought i would do art for it sooner, but here we are -- better late than never. I'm glad it took until now, because i wouldn't have shaded it then. Been feeling sentimental lately, and SiD is a huge part of my heart now. This was actually done on the last page of the first sketchpad i used for SiD! Apparently, i abandoned the drawing pad with ONE PAGE LEFT >8U SO DUMB. So with me being emotional, feeling a need for closure and wanting to add one more thing to the book, i decided this was the perfect subject matter. I don't know when i'll draw for this movie again since Marvel has swept me away, but I think i'll always be paying attention to it. I think this is one of those things that just will forever mean the world to me.

<3

after i read Tongue Tied on ao3 (a fantastic story btw i highly recommend if you like promare) my brain has been shouting MODERN AU but for the sumo gang so here are my headcanons for said AU

in Alola (based off Hawaii), everyone has a pet. and let’s just pretend that having like a whole ass fox in your home is normal. there’s only four states which are the four islands. it’s a small small country

ash is 17, a senior who goes to a public school along with majority of the gang. he owns a mouse (pikachu), a dog (dusk — i would’ve called it lycanroc but since there’s multiple forms i’ll call them by their specific forms), a cat (torracat) and an owl (rowlet). he volunteers at the local pet store and wants to have a job working with animals bc he loves them!

gladion, a 17 year old senior, goes to a private school in akala and studies business bc lusamine forced him to. he owns a rabbit (umbreon), and two dogs (midnight and silvally). he’s studying business so that one day he can take over his mother at the aether foundation (which is basically an animal welfare organisation), though he has a passion for music. anyway at said school he meets guzma and plumeria who are both 18. they form an unofficial band called team skull and play together in their free time. lusamine doesn’t know about this btw

lillie is a 16 year old junior who goes to private school (though it’s in melemele, so she and gladion are in different schools). she owns a small fox (snowy). anyway she makes friends with twins, selene and elio. she’s meant to study art and typical girly hobbies. she’s super talented at figure skating and she wants to pursue a career with it, but she’s too shy to tell her mother T.T

kiawe’s the oldest of the gang. he’s a senior and 18 years old. he’s got a huge ass turtle (turtonator) and uh... i’m still figuring out what animal marowak should be but maybe a gecko XD. anyway his family owns a ranch with a bunch of horses, bulls (the mudbray, tauros etc). he’d probably be good at like hula dancing which i assume is the equivalent of fire dancing LOL. he wants to take over the ranch someday. he also wants to open up riding classes for kids who wish to ride on the horses!

mallow is a 16 year old junior. she’s dating lana (childhood best friend) and she owns a hamster (shaymin). she loves gardening and she has a mangosteen tree which she named tsareena (get it). she’s also good at cooking and she’s part of the cheerleading team! her dream is like canon — she wants to take over the family restaurant and make it the best one in alola

lana is also a 16 year old junior. she has a sea lion (popplio) and a fennec fox (sandy). like in canon, she likes swimming and fishing. i think she’d also be really good at gymnastics and she helps mallow out with her cheerleading stunts. she wants to become a marine biologist to study underwater animals extensively

sophocles is a 16 year old sophomore. he’s got a hamster (togedemaru) and a stag beetle (vikavolt). he’s really interested in space and astrology and he also likes inventing in his spare time. he wants to be a space scientist/astronaut when he grows up

last but not least, hau!! he’s a 16 year old junior and he’s super cheerful. he owns a mouse (raichu) and an owl (decidueye). he’s got photography and beach volleyball as his hobbies and he’s also extremely talented at surfing! he wants to be a competitive surfer when he grows up XD

aaand that’s about it! basically the whole gang go to the same school except lillie and gladion because they’re ✨ f a n c y ✨ LOL. i know lillie is the biggest lesbian ever but i’m actually considering putting her with hau? i love jellowshipping but aquariumplantshipping deserves love too. also lillie and hau is honestly a cute ship. and yeah i’m adding trustedpartnershipping but i haven’t figured a way around the whole public vs private school thing yet but!!! we’ll see. anyway i might put in more headcanons about this modern/high school au so yes!! byee

Can you all of the warlords reactions to accidentally walking in on mc naked

tehe, this was fun. Thank you for your patience! 

Mitsunari, Masamune, Yoshimoto, and Motonari walking in on MC naked

*** as of now, I will only be doing four of the warlords. This is a recent change that I have made after this was request was sent. I put the warlords through a randomizer to narrow down the four. Please understand why I am doing so. The rules of request have been updated for when they are open again. 

Masamune Date

He didn’t walk in, he ran in on you naked. And it wasn’t entirely his fault, it was moreover Shogetsu.

He was playing with him, enjoying the little bit of time he had to himself, not having to deal with any work— he wouldn’t mind fighting, of course, but that wasn’t on his agenda as of now. 

Shogetsu was great to play with, really. But it was so shocking how the tiger managed to swipe swiper, no swiping Masamune’s eyepatch from his face. Masamune didn’t know how to react for a minute. He wasn’t quick enough unfortunately, because Shogtesu went running. 

And of course, Shogetsu went running towards your room, busting through the door— and I mean through the door, there is a big, gapping hole now. 

And he goes straight to your squealing naked form.

“Ah, lass, I’m sorry if he star—“ he stops. 

You’re naked on the futon as Shogetsu licks at you, and your laughing as his scratchy tongue tickles. This whole scene itself is oh so cute, but oh so sexy to Masamune,

your skin is glistening, and he can’t take his eyes off of your form, rolling around showing him practically everything. 

When you realize he isn’t doing anything to help, you shoot him a glare through your fit of laughter. “Dammit, help me out here.”

He chuckles, rushing over to remove Shogetsu — get his eyepatch — and wrap a blanket around you. 

“I promise,” he laughs, “I promise I didn’t plan for any of this. Though I cannot lie how enticing that all was.”

You snort. You love the guy too much to be too mad at him. “Sure, alright. But now you have to dry me off.”

Masamune isn’t complaining. 

Mitsunari Ishida

It isn’t unusual for Mitsunari to become so engrossed in a book— the residents of Azuchi castle are well aware. The bad habit of becoming so lost in a good read is what will get him into the incoming mess.

When reading, he isn’t one to pay attention to his surroundings.

Well, that isn’t strictly true. This is Mitsunari after awhile, and being so intelligent, even with his mind trapped onto his story, he can figure out where he is going.

But this book— this book is really good. So he really isn’t thinking. And he walks right past the room for war council, face buried in his book, and appears in front of yours. He sighs, “That was really interesting. I’ll have to suggest it to Lord Ieyasu,” and swings open the door,

expecting to see a bunch of warlords in a circle, 

but oh my god, it’s you, and you’re standing in the middle of the room like a deer in headlights, completely naked. 

Water is dripping down your subtle skin between every cress from the bath you had just had, you are practically glowing, like an angel in all it’s glory. And Mitsunari can hardly take his eyes away from your perk br— 

“M—Mitsunari, get out!!” 

“Ah, sorry, sorry—“ aaand he runs into the wall. Hitting his head against the stone. 

You’re torn between running to help him as he falls back on the ground, holding his head, and trying to cover his eyes at the same time,

and then that reminds you of why this all happened; you’re naked!

Prepare for a thousands apologies. And for the next week, him appearing at your room — not before knocking, of course — with some sort of gift to add onto his apology. 

This poor, poor cinnamon bun. 

Yoshimoto Imagawa

After a long day of work, you couldn’t be happier with just spending the evening at the hot springs. You just arrived, took in a deep breath, and relaxed as you felt the steam coming off the water moving towards you.

You couldn’t wait to just hop in. 

You did a little stretch, and let your towel fall to the ground, pooling around your feet. You raised your arms up towards the sky, you imagined yourself touching the clouds, then began to—

“Oh my.”

You practically screamed before falling forward into the hot springs. Luckily, Yoshimoto was quick on his feet, and able to pull you out from the springs. But you were smacking his arm and pushing him away, grabbing at the towel on the ground to quickly cover yourself.

“What the hell!? How long were you standing there? What did you see?”

“Everything.” 

“Get out!”

He does feel bad, really. And if you are not as Kasaguyama castle, he is in Azuchi waiting for a chance to see you so he can apologize. And if you’re a little hesitant at first to speak to him, he’ll keep showing up until finally you will hear him out.

If you two are together at this moment, he may say something like, “What? We’re together now. Does it matter?” And that will earn him another smack to his arm, and another hour of the silent treatment. 

Motonari Mouri

Walked in? By accident? Nah. He knew you were taking a shower. So he waited for the moment when he heard the sound of the towel falling, and whoosh—

He swings the door open, cue whistling as he pretends to be lost in thought, until uh oh! He’s face to face with a very shocked you trying to frantically cover yourself. 

“Oh man, honey, my bad.”

“You bastard, get out!”

There isn’t a moments hesitation with you shoving him out the room, and he hardily laughing, shouting back he promises he didn’t see anything.

If you two are together at this point, he really is just teasing you. But if this at all hurts your feelings in anyway, though it isn’t entirely in his nature to apologize,

he’ll find some other way to make it up to you.

By being; walking out on deck stark naked. 

Maybe or maybe not the revenge you were thinking of. But it is quick a shock for everyone, that is for sure. 

“The boss is big,” being whispered spreads around the deck. 

And you’re pushing him back inside and away from all the eyes. You quietly whisper to him, “You didn’t have to do that… Some people give a bouquet of flowers, you know.”

He’ll wrap you in his arms and whisper in your ear, “You know that isn’t my style. Besides, now we are even. We have both seen each other in all our glory.” He gives you a little wink and kiss. “I’d love to see you in yours again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

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Think Again (When You Stop Freaking Out) - Pt.7

In My Own Skin (final part)

Pairing: None                   Word count: 3179

Warnings: language, attempt at humour, sensory overload... irony and sass? ;)

Summary: Things should get back to normal now... right? Friends will be friends and dynamic duo Nelson-Murdock will always keep its promises.

Story Masterlist

━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━

Steve Rogers’ eyes snapped open, greeted by grey. A grey of the ceiling, softened by warm yellow light of a nearby lamp.

Steve Rogers woke up and he saw.

He blinked several times, his eyelids slightly heavier than usual, probably the effect of the tranquilizers, his lips feeling like made of lead. Yet, they managed to form three words.

“Oh, thank god,” he whispered, running his hand down his face and pushing himself up to a sitting position.

“Nope, just foggy,” a voice on his right informed his swiftly. A horrified inhale followed. “Shit, sorry, knee-jerk reaction.”

Steve quickly looked at the man. He was a bit chubby, beige suit, blond rather long hair, inviting smile. Steve thought he was familiar, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Yeah, things did feel a bit foggy, but that could not have been what the stranger was imply- right. “Right. Foggy… Hi.”

“Am I talking to-“

“Steve,” he assured him, making the lawyer grin victoriously.

“Right. Welcome back, Cap,” Foggy saluted with two fingers, making the soldier smile.

“That’s what the president said,” Tony joined them in the couch area and Steve’s smile widened despite the fact he should probably be annoyed. Who would think that seeing Stark’s face would be an actual pleasure. “At least the Smithsonian claims it. And if you bring up the fact I was there ever again, I’ll deny it. I was only there to draw you a moustache.”

“Hey, Tony.”

“Hey, Cap. How many fingers?” the billionaire asked cheekily, holding three fingers in front of Steve’s face, switching to four just as Steve opened his mouth to humour him. So he closed it again. “What, cat got your tongue? Are you mute this time around?”

Steve sighed and made a disapproving face at Tony, feeling Foggy’s sharp glare even without looking at the lawyer. “Tune it down, Tony. You’re being insensitive.”

Tony raised both of his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Sorry. You know I don’t mean it. My heart’s in the right place.”

“You deal with this all the time?” Foggy asked while Steve just shook his head at Tony, who knocked on the device in his chest gently.

“Yes.”

“Respect, Sir,” Foggy mumbled and returned his gaze to the figure lying on the other couch.

Steve smiled unwittingly at the care Foggy was expressing by guarding his friend and protecting his honour in the process; and from Steve’s experience, also by telling him with no restraint when he was being an idiot when needed. Steve knew that kind of friendships – he had had a friend like that to, always by his side, no matter how much trouble he had got himself into.  

To silence the pang of guilt and longing, he looked back at Tony; despite him being an arrogant human being at times, he was a friend too.

“I’m fine. But since you mentioned it… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but now when I can’t hear your heartbeats, I feel almost deaf.”

“You were able to hear a heartbeat?!” Bruce’s shocked voice sounded from behind him, almost making Steve jump out of his skin, while Tony raised a curious eyebrow, commenting on his own: “You can bond with Barton over that.”

Steve couldn’t help himself; he just rolled his eyes.

“Anyway. How about some calories? You must be-“ the grumble of Steve’s stomach cut Bruce off and  as if on command, one of the specially designed post-mission drinks landed in the table in front of him.

“Thank you, Bruce.”

“One of us has to be a good host.”

“Aaand that’s my cue to leave,” Tony uttered, making a U-turn and disappearing from the room.

“He’s something.”

Steve snorted, relaxing onto the backrest and sipped the green semi-solid drink, grateful he couldn’t taste every ingredient and god knew what, which he would have been able to if still being a resident in Matt’s body.

“He’s a friend… no one is easy to handle. I’m sorry about his manners.”

It was Foggy’s turn to snort in amusement. “Matt would probably encourage him. He makes way too much blind jokes. Dork.”

No one could possibly miss the fond smile Foggy sent Matt’s direction. Steve’s heart ached a little at that, missing his own friend again. This time, he didn’t resist.

“You’re a good friend, Foggy.”

“That’s gonna mean something, coming from Captain America himself,” the lawyer hummed, hiding a hint of red on his ears by letting his hair fall into his face.

“I’m sure he appreciates it. Take it from a guy who needed someone to pull his stupid arse from trouble more times that I can count.”

Foggy looked up shyly, clearly as pleased as uncomfortable. “Well, someone has to.”

“I absolutely agree. Steve, how do you really feel?” Bruce entered the conversation, picking up on Foggy’s uneasiness as well.

“I feel… like me.”  

---

Matt Murdock woke up to a terrible noise of three heartbeats, breaths, low voices and buzzing of the city deep below, smell of something that could not be food and yet he could taste it on his tongue, the scent mixed with a bit of sweat, deodorants and shampoos, leather and coffee. The said leather felt hot under his back, slick and yet harsh against his skin, the cotton shirt and slacks feeling like an assault on his mechanoreceptors.

All those sensations melted together, already helping to build a headache. Lovely.

He didn’t even have to open his eyes to know he was back to his own body. Yet, he commanded the heavy eyelids to check.

Nothing. Darkness. A wildly dancing image that had nothing to do with vision. The world was on fire as it should be.

He could tell the number of people in the room, he could identify one of them as Foggy even, yet, the picture in his head was so messy, scrambled by the fucking pain-meds, that he couldn’t locate his friend. Which was why it startled him so much when he spoke up.

“Hey, buddy. How bad is it?”

Matt winced, probably giving an answer on its own. He couldn’t supress a groan as the world was getting even louder and less bearable with each second he was involuntarily walking towards full consciousness – without being able to control the input.

“That good, huh?”

“Yeah, I’d be better if you knocked me out again,” Matt rasped.

A bottle of water was immediately pressed into his hand in response. He pushed up so he could take a sip. The whole world swam, loud tide waves washing over him, slowly drowning him. Oh jeez. What had he done do to deserve that? He was so gonna punch Stark for the tranquilizers…

He forced himself to open the bottle, trying his best to ignore the plastic he could taste from it. But god, it flooded his taste buds with so many chemicals he could cry – or spit out the water. He didn’t, he was stronger than that.

“Thanks. I’ll be… fine, just… gimme a minute.”

“You want me to stay?” Foggy asked, lowering his voice. The remaining two people walked away, the vibration of the floor rattling Matt’s bones.

He was glad they left, even with the little earthquake it brought on. To be honest, Matt needed Foggy out as well. Focusing on him usually helped, but now, all he needed was as much silence he could get.

“No. Please. I… meditation might help a little.”

If Foggy picked up on the hesitation and shame in Matt’s voice, he didn’t mention it. He reached out to Matt to pat his shoulder, but stopped two inches away; Matt could still feel the heat radiating from his friend’s palm, but was grateful he didn’t go for it. Perhaps he should give Foggy more credit when it came to understanding his senses than he did.

“Sure thing, buddy. I’ll be right-- with the others. Do you want a room for yourself?”

Despite feeling like his head was in a hive, squeezed in a vice and being placed on a ship in the middle of the raging sea, Matt charmed a smile – or he tried to do so. He was whispering, when he spoke.

“That would be really nice.”

“You got it. I’ll be guarding the door with my life,” Foggy promised, the thunder of his heartbeat not faltering. The buzz in Matt’s brain tuned down for a split second, filled with affection instead of the sensory overload.

“Please don’t. They are aliens, supersoldiers and other whatever. Can’t lose you to that squad.”

Matt felt blood rush into his cheeks right after the sentence left his mouth, but he couldn’t find himself to regret it. He was in the whole room at once, his consciousness all over the place, incredibly messy, but one thing was clear as day. He appreciated Foggy’s care. Maybe, he should let him know more often.

---

Steve was biting the inside of his cheek as he watched Foggy’s expression of perfectly faked understanding. Tony had taken him for a tour through the Tower, specifically labs, and then moved onto Avengers’ gear, explaining all the ‘cool stuff’. Judging by Foggy’s excitement, he was fascinated by all the toys, even though he understood even less than Steve; but hell, he was too proud to admit it until the tour ended.

When Friday announced through the speakers that Mr. Murdock requested she informed them he was quite settled and ready to welcome people back in the room, they didn’t hesitate. Foggy was the first to come in, followed by Steve and only then the two geniuses.

They found Matt standing by the couch, turned their direction – just the fact he was standing must have meant a lot if the state he had been in when Steve and Bruce had emerged from the room was anything to go by. This looked like a big improvement – key word: looked.

“Feel better?” Steve asked lowly, examining the blind man, who had somehow managed to find his glasses and slip them on.

“Good enough for not wanting to be knocked out, bad enough for not trying to punch Stark just yet,” Matt said wittily, making exactly three people in the room smirk.

“Should I just leave or— oh wait, this is my building, so if you mind me being here…” Tony hummed, earning a stereo groan from Steve and Bruce.

“Stark, Steve, Doctor Banner… where is Thor then?”

“Oh, Thor flew away. It was supercool. The other part of the artefact appeared – probably when you switched back – and he just took it in this super-secret-government container and… yeah, flew away. Sorry you missed that,” Foggy spilled out in hurry, his enthusiasm not unlike Steve was used to see on children’s faces when meeting him. Matt must have picked up on it, because his smile widened.

“I think I’ll live. I guess you’ll just have to remind me of that often enough.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem,” Bruce noted with a kind smile and handed Matt a cup of the ‘green special’ Steve had received after waking up. “Try this unless it offends your taste too much. High protein, high carb, lots of ions and generally the good stuff. It might even help with burning out the drugs you’ve been dosed with.”

“Hey, we didn’t agree on getting him one. What if he’s feeling good enough to punch me after? Way to be a friend, Bruce!”

Matt scrunched his nose when smelling the drink up-close, but obediently took a sip, accepting the wordless dare. Despite the slightly disgusted face he made, he continued. Steve came to understanding of where he got his street name.

Foggy cleared his throat, looking around. “So… what happens now?”

Steve wavered. Honestly, he had a million questions for Matt – starting with the ones about his senses, which might be more than inappropriate and none of his business, ending with moral ones, which included asking about what had led to his decision to start the part-time job as a vigilante, which belonged to the category of things Matt probably wasn’t up to answering right now.

So Steve said the only thing he could think off. He took a leap of faith, deciding to believe that Matt would stay in touch somehow (read: via them visiting his apartment or office if it came to that) and to let him leave with no feeling of owing anything to them. But there was something he needed to do first.

“I believe someone asked for an autograph…?”

Steve didn’t need to hear heartbeats to know Foggy’s just skipped a beat in joy – his expression spoke volumes, no matter how much he tried to stay contained.

“That would be awesome, Captain.”

It didn’t end with an autograph. They took a photo too. They took one with reluctant Matt as well – the vigilante ruined all Foggy’s fun when he forbade framing it and hanging it in the office.

“But, Matt! Clients!”

“But, Foggy! Too many questions!” Matt mimicked, but had enough decency to look guilty about making his friend’s face fall.

“Alright. But the selfie is my new lockscreen. You can’t take that away!”

Steve wasn’t sure what lockscreen was, only knew it had something to do with phones; he hoped it wasn’t anything that would embarrass him too much. Matt’s lips twitched, which actually worried Steve a little.

“Not sure Marci will like that.”

“She’ll understand,” Foggy muttered and took selfie with Tony as well as with Bruce, who seemed quite uncomfortable, but didn’t have the heart to disappoint the excited lawyer – how typical of him. He excused himself right after.

Foggy and Matt looked genuinely surprised and grateful when Steve announced his intention to let them leave whenever they wanted, no questions asked. Tony, on the other hand, appeared to be ready to punch the supersoldier to his face, but didn’t protest, clearly already planning a surprise visit to the office; Steve immediately felt sorry, especially for Karen.

“We’ll be in touch – I’ll make sure of it,” Foggy assured them, shaking Steve’s hand for probably longer than was socially acceptable. Steve didn’t mind, if only because it irritated Tony. To be fair, he received the same treatment afterwards.

“See you around, Steve. Soon, Mr. Stark,” Matt threw over his shoulder when he was entering the elevator on Foggy’s arm, grinning as the door was closing.

“You’re terrible,” Steve heard Foggy huff and that was the end of it.

Steve felt strange lightness in his soul, blaming the enthusiastic blonde for it. The world needed more people like him. Matt needed him for sure. Despite the warmth, Steve couldn’t help but worry about the vigilante though.

“We should keep an eye on him. I have a feeling he has no self-preservation.”

“Consider it done, Cap. And you know that behaviour sounds familiar, right?”

Steve smiled for himself, ignoring Tony’s nudge. “Well, at least he has good friends to take care of him.”

“Cheesy, Steven,” Tony hummed when he realized the analogy, but Steve had a feeling it pleased him anyway.

He didn’t call him out on it though. After all, some things were better left unsaid; yet, it didn’t mean they weren’t true.

Feeling’s usually mutual. Yeah, Tony. I care about you too.

“Whatever you say, Stark. I’ll be in the gym. I feel like I need to burn some of the tranquilizers you shot me with before…”

“You’re welcome!” Tony shouted after him as Steve just waved at him blindly, making his way to his room to change.

Yeah. I know.

---

Exiting the Tower with relieved sigh, Matt leaned onto Foggy a bit more.

“Thanks for putting up with this,” Matt whispered into the cold of the night and heard Foggy’s heartbeat falter. It made him frown. “Foggy? What’s wrong? I’ll be fine, I mostly already am. We’ll be fine. Hell, Tony Stark even promised to get us better heating to the office. How many people can say that?”

Foggy gulped, his cheeks burning up. Oh god, what?

“You wanna know what’s wrong, Matt?”

“Yes, of course. Talk to me, Fog.”

Foggy took a deep breath, more blood rushing to his cheeks. “Please don’t laugh, but… I really made an idiot of myself.”

“When? You were great the whole time. You were a good friend to me. You apparently even helped me get dressed! Kinda me…” Matt corrected himself, not bothering to clarify, knowing Foggy understood what he meant. But he was only rewarded with silence; he was getting worried, to be honest. “Foggy?”

“Matt… I called Captain America a duffus.”

Matt was silent for a split second and then he burst out laughing, stopping in his tracks in order to throw his head back.

“I asked you not to laugh!” Foggy hissed, squirming in embarrassment and it only made Matt laugh harder. Foggy slapped his arm. “You jerk!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-“

“No you’re not…”

“No, I’m not. He didn’t seem to hate you for it. And to be fair, my hand punched his face, so I think that from the two of us…”

That seemed to calm Foggy down and he let Matt take his elbow for guidance again. “Okay. Thanks. I think you actually were worse. We’re menaces, Murdock.”

“Yeah, Fog. We sure are. Earth’s mightiest menances.”

Matt could hear a grin in Foggy’s voice when he spoke again. “Best damn avocados.”

“Best damn avocados-- oh, that reminds me. So, I heard you agreed it was a fruit-“

“Shut up, Murdock…”

“Captain America told me that-“

“Blah, blah, blah-“

“You’re such a child-…”

Their laughter echoed in the streets of Manhattan and despite the insanity of that day… Matt thought that life was good.

---

A week later, Tony Stark received an envelope he would never expect to receive.

It wasn’t particularly unusual for the billionaire to get sued – hell, he often was on the receiving end of everyone’s fury when it came to the damage the Avengers had made (please note, the golden boy Captain America was never blamed, how outraging) -, but being sued for drugging someone wasn’t exactly daily occurrence. Neither was the complaint about the ADA incompliance of the Avengers Tower.

The first set of documents was signed Nelson. Naturally, the latter held the name Murdock, or Tony guessed so, because it was hard to decode the scribbled letters.

He couldn’t believe they had actually done it. He had honestly thought that all of their threats had been only a joke. Clearly, they had been deadly serious.

So if he took off – quite literally – the moment Friday announced that Matt Murdock entered the building, supposedly to have a training session with the American Golden Boy, no one could blame him.

Yet, it didn’t mean Matt didn’t laugh his ass off when the AI informed him of Sir’s departure. It seemed that the genius would have to wait and the only person punched by Matt Murdock’s fist today would be Steve Rogers.

But that was okay. Matt would love to wait for his moment and it would get only sweeter.

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Just FYI, some of you noticed/know EN is not my first language. Matt had a brilliant line to Foggy: “Yeah, I’d be better if you knocked me up again.” I re-read it at least three times before it hit me just how much the course of the entire fic would change if I missed the typo and left it that way.

Aaaanyway, thank you for reading! If you’re interested in more fics, indulge yourself AND me by checking out the masterlists :))

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[Where My Twin Watches]: Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood Episode 12

Episode 12 - “One is All, All is One” We open with whoawhoawhoa it’s Beardy from the intro. Papa Elric? Do we finally get backstory on Absent Dad this episode?

Beardy doesn’t look happy about something. And Ed wakes up in shock. More points towards it being Papa Elric, and also it not being the healthiest of families. But hey, this is anime, good luck finding any Protagonist families without Drama. Al says they’re almost at Dublith, asks if Ed was having a bad dream. Then stays oddly quiet when Ed says it was about ‘him’. Jeez, what’s with this guy? In town, both boys are very unenthusiastic about seeing Teacher again. And now the screens suddenly shaking, the door creaks open ominously gah bloody knife what the Oh dear. A very very big man has just stepped outside. Seriously, this guy looks like he could give Armstrong himself a run for his money. [Ed]: “Um… hello, Sig.” [Al]: “Long time no see.” Ah, a butcher! Got it. He’s rather chill about seeing the Elrics after so long, just patting them on the head and commenting on how they’ve grown (and can I just say how it’s adorable for the Giant Fanged Suit of Armor to be happy about having his head rubbed? Daw.) Sig pokes his head through a window, tells “Izumi” that the “Elric Shrimps” have come for a visit, she puts down an Alchemy book and says that she’s feeling a little better today. You’re right Al, that doesn’t sound good. What’s wrong with Teacher? Oh. Oh dear. Ed just got done kicked in the face across the street. I believe I have a good read on Teach, now.

To menacing music, McKickyFace steps outside, looking down on Ed with shadowed face and glowing red eyes. [McKickyFace]: “Hello, my stupid pupil! I hear you’ve become one of the military’s dogs!” And then the creaky door betrays Al’s hiding spot, she turns… and Al’s cuteness factor is unstoppable, McKickyFace instantly transforms to Izumi, commenting on how Al has grown. Aw, that’s nope never mind just a ruse to easily throw Al to the dirt. Jeez, for someone “not feeling well” you’re tossing these chumps around like ah that’s blood. No Teach, I don’t think you’re “perfectly fine.” Sig tells her not to exert herself and oh they’re married. One, that’s adorable, and two, ok that explains why they went to Sig. But above all else that’s adorable. Also funny how their love is so overpowering that Ed’s just standing there unnerved, getting bumped in the head by floating hearts. Inside, the four are sitting around a table, the conversation as typical being about the Philosopher’s Stone. Teacher doesn’t know much about it though, says it doesn’t hold much interest for her. Why’s that, do you know the secret or just have that much faith in your own abilities? Sig contributes that there was one guy in Central who knew about it. A guy called Hohenheim? Whoa Ed what’s wrong? And Al, do you recognize it too? Ah, image of Beardy! Teacher asks why the reaction to the name, Al confirms that it is indeed Papa Elric. Who “ran out” on them when they were little? Damnit man, why do you have to perpetuate the trope of Absent Anime Father? Flashback! Mama and Papa Elric are standing at the door, Baby!Ed and Baby!Al happened to be up early in the morning. Mama’s of course all over her children, but Papa Elric… just glares down at Ed, that’s the only description I can use for that look. Then he turns without a word, and walks out the door. ...seriously? Dude, dick move. So Mama Elric did say later that Papa left, but not with any finality. Then we get various scenes of Mama Elric and the Babies being cute, until… Mama Elric collapsed on the floor. Back in the present, with Ed still lost in Flashback-Land, Ed asks if Papa Elric had said anything about the Stone. Teacher says it was something about a life-long dream coming true. Even happy when he said it. Then she gets up, punches Ed out his sulk, and says that they’re going to eat.

At the dinner, Sig offers Al some food… uh oh. Have the Brother’s really not explained about Al’s state? Wow, really subtle attempt to change the subject to the last episode there Ed. I can tell Sig’s not buying it, he just looks to Izumi drinking her tea. Another flashback? A big storm in their hometown, the young Elrics are looking down with the other townsfolk as men try to keep a sandbag barrier holding against a flood. The wall’s breaking, everyone’s pulling back- except for Teacher, who’s striding past them as the epic string music picks up. With a clap of her hands (ooh, so Ed picked up on not using TCs from her!), she earthbends a bunch of walls up to hold back the river. And then Sweetie Sig walks over with an umbrella as she turns to the crowd. Who don’t recognize her? Ah right, a passerby, she lives in Dublith after all. And then she vomits blood again. Oh dear. Ah, so the boys were too short to see the blood this first time, all they saw was someone being Awesome and Saving The Town. So of course they run up and ask her to be their teacher. Buuut maybe don’t call her “Old Lady”. She refuses at first, she doesn’t teach and she’s just passing through, but when she’s told that they two boys clinging to her arm are orphans? [Pretty Lady]: “How am I supposed to say no to that?” And now for the first lesson: apparently, getting dropped off on an island and left to fend for themselves. Without any alchemy, even. Lady, I have to question your teaching methods.

Titledrop! “One is all… and all is one.” They have- one month?! Good Leto woman, you’re leaving them on their own for a freaking month? Yeah, the boy’s aren’t doing too well their first night. Trying (and failing) to sleep on some palm leaves, stomach’s rumbling. A lesson in wilderness survivalism, then? Ad-break picture of Sig and Izumi looking ready for a fight, shows last name of ‘Curtis’. So what’s their story? Sig seems to be working away as a butcher, a proper butcher unlike a certain Pudgy we’ve met before. But what about Izumi? Where did she get her training, and learn how to do non-TC Alchemy? Aaand where the first picture was of them looking tough, the second is of Big Tough Sig fanning his blood-spitting wife. Lady, maybe you should get that looked at. Oh, show’s answering my question already, apparently they work the butcher shop together. Sig’s wondering if they’re doing alright, Izumi stands by her lesson as being the best way to learn the essentials of alchemy. The same way she was taught, even. Casual throw of sharpened knife to Sig who does a two-finger catch (making me wonder if he has any training?), Big Butcher says he’s more concerned about their lives being in danger. Izumi scoffs, saying her training began with fighting bears for a whole month in the mountains. In winter, no less! ...couldn’t help but notice that you look a bit older that the Elrics in that picture, Izumi. On the island itself, the Brothers have just caught a rabbit in a snare! However, it leaves them with a live rabbit, so they’ll have to kill it themse- Oh that is just not fair. Rabbit’s going full Cute Anime Mode to avoid being dinner. The Brothers are playing Hot Potato with the knife to avoid using it. Until a passing fox takes advantage of the easy meal, and runs off with the rabbit. But look! The fox took the rabbit to feed its cubs! Aw, that’s sweet. Then the cubs start eating, and the Brother’s quickly decide to try fish instead. Yep, kinda hard to fish without rods. Maybe you can carve a spear? Or just build a lean-to, and go without food for a few more days. Yeesh, Ed’s not doing too well. Had a moment where he hallucinated Al as food and chomped, and now is alternating between nomming on ants and screaming about how gross they are. Oh, turning point! Ed’s talking about how he’s alive because he ate the ants. Um, no? I seriously doubt those few bugs gave you enough calories to make up for a few days foodless. Or rather it’s a metaphorical thing, how Ed’s alive because he consumed life. And then I guess he resolves that if he’s going to eat life to live, and by Leto he’s going to be at the top of the food chain! Cue montage of the Brothers going all Lord of the Flies, fashioning tools, chasing down a rabbit and killing it before a passing fox this time, starting a fire. They even get to the point that they toss some cooked food to the fox cubs in passing. Finally, it’s the night before Teacher’s to come back. Al asks Ed if he’s figured out what she meant by “One is all, and all is one.” Ed confirms that after he ate the ants, he thought his body feeding the ants, going to earth and becoming grass that the rabbits would eat... ...if I wasn’t doing a Professor Moody theme this episode, this would be a perfect spot for a Lion King gif. So yeah, Ed thought about the food chain. But also the island, how long ago it was under water, and thousands of years from now it could be the top of a mountain. It’s an “all things are connected” lesson, how in the span of the cosmos even our Main Characters are smaller than ants are to them. Test time! Teacher arrives and asks for their answer. [Al]: “All is one!” [Ed]: “And one is me!” Teacher… bursts out laughing? But she accepts the answer, and says the real training starts now. Now in Dublith, Teach is casually reading a cookbook while she lectures about TCs as the basis of Alchemy and absently spars with the Brothers. Sick moves lady, her technique seems to be all about deflecting and redirecting their attacks. That’s Judo, I think? Reviewing the lesson, Al calls her out on not using TCs when she casts, they ask how she does it. Teacher says something cryptic about herself being the matrix, that it might be something they learn if they see the truth. Wait… truth, or ‘Truth’? And yup, Ed wakes up with a realization: Teacher has seen the truth too. The next day, the Brothers are meeting with Teacher in the front yard, presumably to ask her. But she suddenly Alchemizes a spear from the wall, strikes out at Ed who has to TC-less change his arm to a blade in defense. That, on top of Al being armor and Ed missing two limbs confirms it for her: Edward’s seen it too. Which begs the question: how did Izumi see the Truth? Did she try Human Transmutation too? Yep, she did. And the rebound struck her… stomach. And in the center… Ah. That’s who she was trying to bring back. Izumi confirms the sad tale, why she committed the taboo. And when she says that it must have been awful for them, the Elrics adopt their customary bravado about it. ‘Not a big deal’, Al’s got his list of stuff to do, ect ect... [Izumi]: “You darling little idiots. It’s ok to hurt.” ... [Ed]: “Forgive us.” [Al]: “We’re so sorry, Teacher.” [Ed]: “Please forgive us.” [Al]: “We’re so sorry.” [Ed]: “Please forgive us.” [Al]: “We’re so sorry.” Flashback to the island, the young brothers expounding on living being the deconstruction and reconstruction of old life to new life [Ed]: “Alchemy is part of that flow. And the flow is life itself.” End-credits. Oof. Started out as a mostly amusing episode, was mostly looking for details on Absent Papa Elric. But nope, Brotherhood continues to be brutal to my emotions.

Once Upon A Time... Not Chapter 2: Memories and Moving Trucks

Chapter summary: Virgil has a nasty flashback induced nightmare and Anastacia goes into protective mode. The moving truck arrives and off we go to America.

Notes: Hey, would you look at that? It's my 18th birthday! What better way to celebrate than to give you guys a new chapter? Oh yeah, and hey again. I had a panic attack last Saturday. At first, I thought it was my first one, but thinking about it, it's happened to me before, just this time I could put into words what it was. Alright, enough about me. This starts out pretty dark/angsty, so you are warned.

Trigger Warnings: Flashback, nightmare, past suicide, negative thinking, self-depreciation, anxiety, hyperventilation, sleeping with a binder on. Think that was it. If I missed any, please do not hesitate to let me know.

Please take care of yourselves.

AO3 Link

Chapter 1

Previous Chapter   -   Chapter 3

Word count: 2852

Chapter 2: Memories and Moving Trucks

Knock knock knock. Who’s knocking on my door? “Who’s there?” I ask. Wait, I spoke. Without any trouble. That’s weird.

“It’s me, honey. Can I come in? Anastacia told me some boys at school were picking on you for your binder. I would just like to talk to you a bit if that’s alright?” Who is that? They sound familiar. Sound just like her. But that’s not possible. And where’s Ann anyway?

“You sure?” I hear myself saying. “You really want to see your child who can’t even figure out what gender they are?” I continue. Not even a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

“I’m positive, honey. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I don’t care what gender you are. You are my child. I’ll love you no matter what,” she says softly. I resign myself to my fate. Unconditional love. “Can I?”

I sigh. “Sure.” The door opens to reveal my mother. How is that possible? Was her dying maybe just a dream? Well, a nightmare more like.

I am sitting at my drawing desk when she enters. Strange. I thought I was on my bed. Mother crouches down beside me and looks me seriously in the eyes. I wanna look away, or at least down, but she’s locked me in my place with her gaze. “You have to come tell me these things, Virgil. This is the third time this week I’ve had to hear it from your sister. I know it might feel embarrassing, but I will not love you any less. It’s not something that should be taken lightly. And what they’re saying to you? They have no respect. And it’s not true in the slightest. You are perfect, just the way you are.”

I feel tears well up in my eyes. Before I know it, I launch myself at Mother, hugging her tightly. “I know, Mother. And I’m so sorry. Sorry that I’m such a mess. I just- I just can’t help it. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I just want it to end,” I sniffle. Mother stiffens. I look up. “Mother?”

“No, you don’t. Because then you’ll end up like me.” What? What does she mean? “You deserve the happy ending I didn’t get to have.” She pulls away. I freeze. She has blood running down her mouth. Eyes lifeless. Her hair’s a mess. And around her neck! Rope marks! I try to move away, but she grips my wrists. “Look at me, Virgil! Is this what you want? Do you want to disappoint me and step into my footsteps?! Then I’ll happily indulge you!” Her tone is harsh now. She’s screaming. Or is it me? I don’t know anymore. I want to get away from here, but I can’t! I’m frozen in place!

“Mother, please. You’re hurting me!” I beg. “I- I’m sorry, okay? Just, please! It really hurts!”

I’m suddenly in her old room. In the corner. Hidden away. Mother is in the middle of the room. I try to speak, but suddenly can’t again. Pill bottles are laying on the floor. Anti-depressants and the like. A rope is hanging from the ceiling, right above a chair. Mother stands up on the chair and puts the rope around her neck. I know what she’s about to do. I saw her the first time. I want to stop her, let her know I’m here, but I can’t move. I’m frozen in place. Please, Mother. Don’t do it! I need you! Please!

She jumps off the chair. All I can do is sit there and watch in horror. Once she’s stopped moving, and all is quiet, the door opens and reveals my father. He doesn’t look at Mother. He looks at me. “You could’ve stopped her. If you had just been normal, none of this would’ve ever happened. You are not my child!” he says, before closing the door again, leaving me alone with Mother’s lifeless body hanging from the ceiling.

I gasp as I sit up, almost drowning in sweat. It’s not the first time I’ve had that nightmare, but this time was so much worse than it has ever been. I can’t breathe. Great. It’s pitch black as well, so that doesn’t help, either. What do I do? What do I do?

Anastacia. Anastacia’ll know! She always does. But where is she? I’ll blackout from lack of air before I find her.

AAHHH! Something moved beside me! What is that? What’s going on? Am I still dreaming? I can’t be. Can I?

“Virge?” someone slurs. It sounds like Mother! That means I’m still dreaming. No, please. I wanna wake up! I don’t wanna relive it again!

Oh, I’m hyperventilating. That’s not good. What did Ann say to do when I’m hyperventilating? I can’t remember! Please!

“Wow, Virgil! It’s me, Anastacia. It’s okay, it’s going to be okay. Feel my breathing, please. I’m putting your hand on my chest. Try and match my breathing, okay?”

Anastacia? Oh, it’s Anastacia. Oh yeah, that’s right. We went to bed together in my bed. I had a panic attack last night.

I can feel her hand on mine. She’s leading it to her chest, just like she said. Her heartbeat is so calm. What I wouldn’t give to be able to control my heartbeat like her. I’m so lucky to have her as my sister.

I try my best to match her breathing but fails many times. After what feels like hours, I finally get control over my breathing again. I look at the clock. 4.48 am. Great. Got like, maybe four hours of sleep, if we consider that my attacks usually last a few hours, depending on what they are about and what triggered me. Not going to be able to sleep any more.

“Hey,” Ann says, nudging my shoulder with hers. “It was just a dream. And I’m right here, should you need me again. Think you can go back to sleep?” she asks after a moment's hesitation. I shake my head ‘no’. “Okay, how about we watch some Steven Universe then?”

A distraction. Classic move. I nod. Soon enough we’re laying down on my bed again watching Steven Universe on Ann’s phone.

Before I know it, it’s 8 am. Father knocks on my door. “Hey, kiddo. Time to get up. The truck will be here in thirty minutes.”

Ann looks at me, silently asking if she can answer for me. I nod. “We’ll be ready by then, Father. Don’t worry.”

“Oh, you’re in there Anastacia? Well, good. We’ll be leaving shortly after the truck. We don’t have to worry about furniture. Our new house in Florida already has furniture, so we won't have to pay extra for moving ours. And I probably already told you kiddos…” he trails off.

Ann and I share an amused look before we hear him walk away.

“Well, you heard Father. Time to get up and do something with the day,” she says, playfully batting my arm.

I shove her right back. Two can play this game. I winch slightly. Shit, I forgot to take off my binder! It hurts like hell!

Aaand, of course, Ann sees it. “Virgil? What’s wrong?” She looks me up and down. Then realisation seems to dawn on her. “You’re still wearing your binder! I thought you had taken it off after dinner! You know it’s not healthy sleeping with your binder on!”

‘I know, I know! I forgot, alright? Sheez, you’re starting to sound like Mother!’ I sign. Then freeze once I realise what I actually said. And then crumble into a little ball of pure agony. I scramble to apologise. ‘I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it! I- please don’t hate me! I’m sorry.’ My signing is fast, and my breathing is starting to pick up again. Bollocks!

“No, no, it’s alright, Virgil. And nothing you could do would ever make me hate you! Please breathe with me. That’s it, you’re doing great!” she interrupts my rambling apology. She starts breathing the 4-7-8 exercise exaggeratingly, and I follow, getting control over my breathing again.

“Let’s get ready, kay? We just need to get your art stuff and fidget cube packed in a bag and get the moving box closed, and we’re good to go.” She gets up and starts shuffling around the room.

I slowly start to follow, eyeing Mother’s box warily, and find a bag. I tap Ann’s shoulder to get her attention and show her the bag with a small smile.

“Great. Now, here are your pencils and sketchbook. I can’t find your fidget cube, though. And it might be a good idea if you get your headphones as well.” I hold the bag open as she talks. She puts the pencils and my sketchbook in it, but when she mentions my fidget cube, I tense up a little. “What is it, Vee?”

I put the bag on the floor. Well, I guess I should tell her what a mess of a person her twin brother really is. ‘My fidget cube fell under my bed, and when I went to get it…’ I have to stop for a minute to collect myself. ‘When I went to get it, I found that box,’ I point at it, ‘and I might’ve sort of opened it. And sent myself into a panic attack in the process.’ I add sheepishly.

She gives me a look of sympathy before moving to hug me. That’s nice. This is nice. Hugging her. Oh, she gives me a light kiss in my hair. That’s actually comforting. Then it’s over. She moves back but doesn’t quite let go of me. “How about I go and get it, and you can find your headphones? Sound like a plan?” I nod.

She then lets go of me and ventures over to my bed. I set out to find my headphones, trying not to think about what she might think about me and the box. Soon enough, she gives me my fidget cube, and I show her my headphones. Both end up in the bag. The moving box is closed, so we’re all done. Except for one thing.

“Off with it. Now. I’ll help.” My binder. I groan. Right. Forgot about that. Again. And she won't let me go anywhere until I’m no longer in pain. So that’s how I find myself being undressed by my twin sister. Oh, shut up! Not like that! We’ve done this a million times, her helping me with my binder.

“You have to be more careful, Vee. You could seriously hurt yourself with this thing. Aaand, there!” she exclaims when she finally managed to get it off me. I love wearing a binder, but it is so difficult to get it off most of the time. She throws a t-shirt at me. “Catch. And put on your hoodie as well.”

I do as she says. When she is in protective mode, you best do what she tells you to.

Knock knock knock.

I flinch. Three knocks. Just like in my nightmare! Yeah, if you couldn’t tell, I’m a little jumpy right now and have excessive anxiety to burn of. Ann notices, of course. “I’ll get it,” she says before moving to my door. Luckily, it’s the front door someone’s knocking at, not mine. Annoyed, I put on my hoodie and follow.

“Hello there, young lady. Is your father home?” someone asks. A male voice I’ve never heard before. Instantly my anxiety causes me to be on high alert. Bloody calm down! It’s probably just the movers that are coming for the boxes. Like Father said. Still, I keep out of sight.

“Yeah, I’ll go get him. There are some boxes in the living room if you could load them into your truck?” Ann says. It is the movers. Phew. Ann passes me and gives my shoulder a soft squeeze, and mouths ‘keep breathing’ to me, before getting Father.

I do as she says. Deep breath before slowly going into the living room to the movers. Just to get a look at them, if we should be wary of them or not, and to get one last look at the bare living room in the house I grew up in. My heart starts to ache at that thought. I’ll never see this place ever again.

“Hey there, kid.” I nearly jump out of my skin at the voice. Haven’t that guy learnt never to startle an anxious teen? Right. He doesn’t know me. Doesn’t know I have anxiety. And it was also kinda my fault he surprised me as severely as he did; I was stuck in my mind and that. He sounds nice, though. The guy winches at my flinch. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Yeah, mate. There’s also absolutely no reason to be scared of him. Or me, for that matter,” the other man chuckles. I send a small smile their way, just to acknowledge that it was alright. He beams at me, clearly proud of himself. “I’m Phil, by the way. That’s Dan,” he says, pointing to his partner. He looks at me like he’s expecting me to tell him my name now.

I don’t respond. Just stare. Chances are they don’t know sign language, and I’m not up to talking right now, not even to tell them my name; and I’m most definitely not up for a game of charades. So what do I do? Nod at the two movers, Dan and Phil. God, I must look so pathetic right now.

They continue with whatever they were doing before, just like that. What? They seem to have just accepted that I didn’t give them my name. Well, that’s new. Aaand cue awkward silence with me just standing in the doorway staring, fiddling with my hoodie sleeves. At least they didn’t press on with the name thing. They seem really nice.

“Sorry for taking so long; had to make breakfast for these two with nothing in the fridge.” Father to the rescue! Thank goodness. He’s smiling down to me, a look of pity in his eyes. “Anastacia’s in the kitchen, Virgil. You go ahead and join your sister, and I’ll talk with these gentlemen in the meantime.” I nod.

As I walk away, I hear Father start up a conversation with the movers. I think I hear him say my name. Probably telling them, I’m shy and have anxiety or something like that. Which is true, mind you, it’s just annoying that it has to be adverted like that.

“Hey, Vee. How you feeling?” Ann asks as she sees me entering the kitchen. Have I mentioned how much I love my sister? Because I really love her. I don’t think I would’ve survived the past three months without her. She’s not like dad. He doesn’t know how to really help, and he sends pitying looks and whatnot. Not what I need. Ann’s different. She knows what she’s doing. She doesn’t ever pity me. She hates it just as much as I do. Oh yeah, she has anxiety too, only not as bad as me. So she knows what she’s doing.

‘I’m alright, I think. What’s for breakfast?’ I sign. I already know what, but I wanna be sure.

“Take a wild guess,” she smirks.

‘Hmmm, it wouldn’t happen to be oatmeal, would it?’

“Ding ding ding! And we have a winner, folks. Virgil Blake!  Give him a hand, everybody,” she laughs. We’ve been getting oatmeal for breakfast the past few weeks. I laugh with her, though mine is soundless. So basically, just puffs of air with an accompanying smile. “But seriously though, we’re gonna be okay. America’s school system isn’t that different from England’s. And I’m sure folks in Gainesville, Florida are nice.”

Serious tone. This is the first time she’s voiced these concerns. I’ve always known they were there, ever since Father announced we were moving to America, but she’s never mentioned anything. I could tell they were there, though I don’t think she knows if you know what I mean.

‘I hope so, though we won’t be getting the same schedule. Which means we won’t always be together in school. And I can take care of myself,’ I sign to her, hoping she’ll believe me. She looks at me with a resigned look as I sit down after grabbing a recyclable plastic breakfast bowl and.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean I can’t worry about my twin brother; wanting to protect him from potential bullies.” She gives a small smile, pouring oatmeal into my bowl. “And knowing he will do the very same thing.”

“Alright kiddos,” Father interrupts. “Dan and Phil are getting the boxes moved to their truck. We just give the word when we’re ready to say goodbye to the house.”

And so, an hour or so later, we’re sitting in the car on our way to the airport. The moving truck behind us as well as all the memories. Goodbye Mother. I’m just glad we remembered to bye pills for me for the plane ride. Anastacia didn’t let me put on another binder though.

End notes: So, you got through it. I've never experienced anything that would warrent flashback induced nightmares, so I might have been a bit off with how it works.

Please like, comment, and reblog, telling me what you thought, what could have been better, just to say hi, or keysmashes. Don't be shy. I'll live for it.

Until next time. Take it easy guys, gal, and non-binary pals. See ya.

Teacher!Tony wrong number au - Part 4

I'm super excited to post this chapter for two reasons. Firstly, because I'm introducing a few familiar characters and a sort of new one. Secondly, because this chapter got so long that I decided to break it into two. I hope it works for you all, let me know, I’m grateful for every feedback. 🙂

(part 1, part 2, part 3)

After that torturous lesson on Monday, Tony decides that he won’t text Peter Parker again. It’s no more than a bullet point in the list of reckless things Tony swore to avoid from Monday on, yet it still feels important to point out. Tony’s a teacher and Peter’s a student. Their relationship ought to be defined by their roles and even those three times they texted was enough to blur the lines and mess them up. That is, if Peter’s behaviour was anything to go by Monday afternoon. And even if the boy is all right, Tony won't forget anytime soon the disturbing reaction he had to the situation. What situation that was exactly, he doesn’t know, and he isn’t too keen on labelling it, either. Giving it a name would only make it real and that is the last thing Tony needs.

Tuesday morning Tony catches himself keeping an eye out for Peter Parker wherever he goes. It’s almost as if he’s afraid of meeting the boy. Or is it that he’s eager to? Well, Tony most certainly isn’t afraid of the boy. His own reaction, however, is an entirely different story. As for wanting to see Peter, yes, he might wish to, but only to make sure again that the boy is all right. It’s only reasonable, wanting reassurance. Helping him, if he needs to. His motivations are completely respectable, Tony thinks – then feels his stomach drop when he mistakes a sophomore for Peter.

By lunchtime he loses count of how many times he told himself to get a grip. He knows that he will meet Peter eventually and some part of him is confident that it will be all right. Things will go back to normal in no time. Peter will have gotten a confidence boost and Tony will have proved to be able to stay at the rational side of things all by himself. Everything is going to be fine. That is, if he finally comes to his senses and starts treating the situation as he should. Like it never happened. Like it should never have happened. Not with that twitch in his chest, that feels frighteningly like regret, every time he remembers his resolution.

He sees Peter again on Wednesday morning. They exchange the small smile and polite nod Tony expected the first time and it’s alarming how effortless it is. A part of him tells himself to be happy about it, but that part also does everything to ignore the rush of adrenaline and the fluttering of his stomach accompanying that smile. And the disquieting suspicion of what it all might mean.

By Thursday night, Tony feels more exhausted than ever before during his teaching carrier. He desperately needs to get it off his chest. He pours himself a whisky, sits on the sofa and looks Jarvis deep in the eyes.

“I’m in trouble,” he begins. The dog tilts his head with a soft whine.

“Yep, it’s not good,” he sighs. Then he realises what he just said and hurries to add, “but it’s not bad either. I’m just blowing it out of proportion.” His firm voice makes the dachshund put his head down on his feet timidly.

“I enjoyed texting him, yeah, but who wouldn’t?” Tony pleads, waving his glass dangerously in the air. “He’s one of those new generation kids who grew up online. Of course, he’s funny and easy-going. And me? Okay, let’s not start with that,” he allows when the dachshund covers his eyes with a paw. “The point is, that nothing wrong happened. And nothing will happen. I just need to calm the fuck down,” he finishes, burying his face into his hands. “Ugh. Why can’t I just… Shit!”

Prompted by Tony’s strangled voice, Jarvis hops onto the sofa and nudges his thigh with a small paw.

“It’s all right, buddy,” he says, sitting up. “Well, it’s not, not yet, but we’re here to figure it out, aren’t we?”

Tony finishes his drink and refills before he speaks again.

“And so, what if I find him interesting? He is an interesting boy,” Tony insists. The dog whines again. “Yes, okay. I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t I notice him before? Do I only find him interesting because we texted? Because we did something forbidden? God, I’m fucked up. But okay, let’s say I do. I feel this, this attraction – strictly in a physical sense. As in relating to physics, not, not the other thing. Yeah... But, but it doesn’t mean that I have to act on it. That’s what makes us human, isn’t it, J?”

“I wouldn’t know, boss, but my Talking to Himself protocol has just been activated” says another voice with a soft British accent.

“Hey there, mother hen. I wasn’t talking to myself. I was talking to your four-legged cover-up,” Tony quips back at the AI.

“You programmed this protocol to ignore entities that are unable to answer in any known human languages,” J.A.R.V.I.S. informs him.

“Oh, but look at him, he’s all ears. And he was being most supportive, didn’t you listen?” Tony chides, petting the dachshund's head gently.

“I did listen, and about what you sa…,” J.A.R.V.I.S. begins, but Tony interrupts him.

“I didn’t upload my painfully earned self-knowledge into your archives for you to just throw it back at me.”

“So how can I help?” J.A.R.V.I.S. asks, sounding more concerned, than offended.

“How about you make me a hot bath?”

“Right away, boss.”

“That went well, wouldn’t you say?” Tony whispers conspiratorially to Jarvis, as he scratches behind his ears. “I just hope it goes well with Peter tomorrow, too.”

Surprisingly, it does. The hot bath and the unusually peaceful sleep seem to have made a difference, because Friday morning Tony feels calmer than he had in days. He tries to whoosh away the idea that this newfound serenity might have more to do with finally seeing Peter again, than successful coping. But even if it is so, he can’t wish away his emotions. He just has to keep it together for a short time, a few weeks maybe, certainly not more than three and then his life would become safely uneventful once more. It already looks promising. During the lesson, Tony’s in a much more reasonable state of mind than last time and Peter looks at him again.

Tony he knows himself too well to relax, though, despite feeling relieved on his way home for the week-end. Believing that it’s all behind him just because one lesson went well is… tempting. And that’s exactly what makes him wary. Tony is aware, even if he doesn’t feel them at the moment, that some of the messy, irrational and absolutely inappropriate emotions he’s been dealing with all week linger on.

As a consequence, Tony has the most irregular weekend in a long time – well, none more so, than the last one when he texted a student, but he doesn’t count that one. Instead of staying in his workshop, he spends almost all of Saturday in Central Park with Jarvis. He watches skaters, talks to a nice paintress, feeds the ducks and walks more than he thinks advisable in the chilly weather. It works reasonably well. Even though Peter pops into his mind at least a hundred times during the day, Tony at least doesn’t spend his evening fighting off more thoughts of the boy. He barely finishes feeding Jarvis before he collapses onto the sofa, fast asleep.

When Tony wakes up a little before noon he’s both grateful for only having to come up with half a day’s worth of distractions and annoyed at himself for that thought. After walking Jarvis, he grades a few freshmen’s homework, but stops when he almost falls asleep. Later in the afternoon, after spending a miserable hour trying to concentrate on lesson plans, Tony turns his TV on and in a desperate attempt at distraction, selects the superhero movie with the most handsome men running around in tight suits. It doesn’t help. Getting slightly aroused by all the action and sexiness and at the same time wondering who Peter Parker’s favourite character is… Well it’s as far from making things better as it can be.

When turning in unusually early for the third night in a row, Tony resolves not to make any more resolutions. His attempts at dealing with the situation seem to have yielded mixed results. Results, he feels unable to untangle at the moment. So, Tony decides to just go about thing as usual – or at least as close to usual as he can manage – and see what happens.

What does happen the next day, however, is nothing he prepared for. Thankfully three nights of long, uninterrupted sleep gives him enough presence of mind to avoid making a scene, but at the end of the period Tony can barely wait until the last student leaves the classroom before he takes out his phone and texts Peter.

Aaand stay tuned for part 5 which is almost ready and coming soon 😉

Notes: Yes, Tony has J.A.R.V.I.S., the AI and his reasons for keeping it a secret – hence Jarvis, the dog, who looks like the one in the pic below. (And of course, you’ll find out what those reasons are, if you stick with me for a bit longer.)

Thanks for reading and special thanks if you share your thoughts on this chapter with me 🙂

Edit 10-02-2019: Part5

unexpected

a commission for @varricttethras of his oc kadan and varric !!! thank you so much for commissioning me! i hope you enjoy <3

varric tethras/oc, fluff/romance, 3800 words !

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The scarlet sun descends on the war-torn battleground, bathing the dry grass in an even richer shade of red than the blood splattered across it. Flowers that once blossomed lie crumpled on the ground, half-buried under the mud, ripped from their stems. An eerie silenced has settled over the area, yet it screams louder than any battle cry.

Only two people are left picking through the wreckage - one of them a ruggedly handsome dwarf, with fiery orange hair and a nose wrinkled from the stench of rotting corpses, the other a tall, towering woman with dark horns and ears adorned with small golden earrings, using the tip of her sword to fling up small clumps of dirt from the ground.

She is a well-built woman, with arms thicker than tree trunks and a chest that barely heaves or struggles for breath while her forehead and black hair are drenched with sweat. Despite her post-battle glow, a look of grim determination has settled on her face, creasing her gray skin.

The dwarf ambles over to her, slinging his crossbow over his shoulder. “How are you feeling, Nadak?”

“I don’t know,” she replies, looking up at the sky, trying to spot any crows circling the meadow. “How are you?”

“Better now that I know you’re safe,” he replies, pulling himself up onto a rock next to her until they’re equal height and reaching out for her. “How about a kiss?”

“For what?”

“Just because,” he says with a grin. “How about it?”

“Really, Varric?”

Varric shrugs. “Why not?”

“Why not what?” Kadan says. “What are you talking about?”

Varric’s eyes snap up from where he’s been staring into the murky brown water of his now-cold coffee to see her standing next to his table in the break room, arms crossed over her chest. “There’s a line-up out the door, and your break is over,” she says as she backs away from him, never taking her eyes away, and reaches over to grab a handful of sugar packets from the counter and fling them towards him. “You have three minutes before I get you fired.”

“You wouldn’t!” Varric says, feigning offense. “You couldn’t get through a day without me.”

“Yeah, I would,” she replies. “I’ll just put in my headphones and play a ‘bad jokes 10-hour loop video’ on YouTube until the end of my shift.”

“Hey.” He sticks his bottom lip out in a pout. “My jokes are at least mediocre.”

“At most, maybe,” Kadan shoots back with a grin. “Now get your ass out of your seat, Tethras, or I’ll come over and get you out of it myself.”

“And how do you plan on doing that?” Varric asks, cocking an eyebrow.

“By throwing you across the room.” She brushes a strand of hair behind her ear and kicks the door open with the sole of her combat boot, turning on her heel to push it the rest of the way. “And now you have two minutes to get your apron on and your ass back to the counter, so you might want to get started.”

“Fine, fine,” Varric calls out, “but – Aaand she’s already gone.”

He sighs and flips the cover of the notebook shut, scooping it up from the table and heading over to his locker, tossing it in amongst the others as well as the scattered pens and loose papers. Before he closes it, he grabs his café-branded visor and slips it on his head, heaving a sigh.

At least he has one good thing to get him through the day, he thinks to himself, even if he can’t manage to figure out this Maker-damned novel. Working with Kadan actually helps him stop stressing out about his writer’s block, if only for a little while, if only until he’s back home at the end of the day. Still, it’s something.

He’s been working here for a little over five years now, when his friend Hawke, the manager – by some miracle – hooked him up with a job after he graduated  and couldn’t find any other. It was as if all of the newspaper companies and publishing agents in the city heard he had he finished his degree and scampered into a hole in the floorboards like mice so that he couldn’t find them. Well, he’ll show them. He’s going to publish the greatest novel since…

He’s going to publish the greatest novel ever, maybe. If he gets around to starting it.

Or maybe he’ll work here for the rest of his life. It’s not always bad – in fact, there are a few things that make it pretty good. Like the free coffee, and the fact that sometimes Hawke lets him steal the occasional mound of whipped cream to toss back with a shot of whiskey in the break room on slow nights. Much like tonight.

The rest of the shift passes at the speed of a tired snail, broken up only by the occasionally round of banter, and by the time they finally flip over the ‘closed’ sign on the door, Varric’s more than ready to head out. He doesn’t go right away, though.

“Any plans for the night?” he asks, swinging his legs back and forth as he sits on top of the counter, watching Kadan wipe down the cash register.

She looks over her shoulder at him, squinting. “Why?” she responds. “Have you secretly been a templar this whole time? Aren’t you a little too short?

He rolls his eyes at her, leaning his head back against the tile wall. “Just making conversation,” he replies. “And I’m pretty sure there’s no height restrictions on being a templar. It might just be the whole being-a-dwarf thing in general.”

And to that she scoffs, though it sounds like it’s torn between that and a laugh. “Maybe it’s the blasphemous amount of chest hair you unleash upon Kirkwall whenever you wear anything besides your work uniform.”

“And that wasn’t even my choice,” he grumbles.

“We could put ‘Varric’s Surprise’ as an ingredient option on the menu.” Kadan tosses the towel over her shoulder and turns to face him.

“It’d be a 50-50 toss up between my chest hair and a shot of vodka,” he replies, jumping down from the counter and heading for the door to the break room.

“I’m sure black coffee would taste even better with a shot of vodka in it,” Kadan teases, elbowing him.

“It does,” he says. “I would know.”

He’s not looking at her, but he knows she rolls her eyes. He’d be surprised if she ever responded to the things he said or did with anything else. “Of course,” she mutters. “Why am I not surprised?”

“Because you’ve been stuck with me for years,” he says, “and because you love me, even if you won’t admit it.”

She playfully reaches out to smack his shoulder. “In your dreams,” she says as she grabs her clothes from her locker and heads towards the bathroom.

“I – what?”

But she’s already gone, and he shakes his head, laughing. How does she always manage to leave him hanging?

In a few minutes, they’re walking out of the café together. Kadan’s the one with the keys to lock the door for the night, so Varric idles by her motorcycle while he waits for her to finish up. The sky is dark, save for the small sliver of baby blue light quickly fading from the horizon, and he rubs at one of the metal plates of her bike, trying to decipher if it’s the darkness outside that refuses to show Varric his reflection or if it’s just that dirty.

She pulls a bag of seeds out of her pockets while she makes her way over to him. “Do you wanna take a ride?” she asks.

“Nah, I’m good,” he replies. “Nice shirt, by the way.”

It’s some loud floral print with bananas on it, unbuttoned halfway down her chest. “Thanks,” she says with a crooked grin, scattering seeds on the cement behind her. “I got it at a second-hand store. You have no idea of all the cool things you could find there…”

Varric reaches back to slide his phone from his back pocket. “Is that so?”

“Yeah,” she responds, her grin growing smaller and smaller until it’s barely a smile, yet still happy, still pleased in its own right. “You know, Varric… I’ve realized something about life.”

“Yeah?”

She nods, backing towards her bike as a bird swoops down from the sky to peck at what she left behind for it. Once upon a time, Varric was surprised by this, but he isn’t anymore. He’s just annoyed that he has to worry about scaring the thing away. And, he supposes, a little impressed.

“Sometimes you find the best things when you’re not even looking for them.” She tucks the bag of seeds back into her pocket and swings one leg over her bike, reaching for her helmet. “I found this shirt on a rainy day a while ago when I didn’t even want to leave the house but you texted me and convinced me to get up and at least go to the store. You remember that?”

“Yeah, I do,” Varric replies, smiling, scratching at the stubble on his cheek.

“And I passed by my favourite store, and I thought, ‘hey, why not go in?’ And I did, and I found this, so… It just goes to show, you know?”

She has this sweet, wistful expression on her face, and it crumbles ever so slightly when Varric opens his mouth to reply. “You should be thanking me, then,” he informs her, trying to seem serious while he can feel a chuckle tickling the back of his throat. She waves her hand at him, laughing. “I’m the reason you got that shirt, so… Seems like I’m a pretty big part of your philosophy.”

A second or two passes. “Yeah.” Kadan tilts her head at him and squints a little as if she’s trying to figure something out. “Seems like it.”

Before he can say anything else, she slides her helmet over her head, covering it in a sturdy layer of dense plastic so he can’t see anything but her horns sticking out through two holes in the top. “See you tomorrow?” she says.

“See you tomorrow,” Varric replies, saluting towards her as she starts her bike and, eventually, drives away, out of the parking lot and onto the street where she disappears around the corner of the building.

When he’s sure she’s out of eyesight, he wipes his forehead on the back of his hand. Why is he so sweaty? And why did that conversation feel so damn intimate?

Maker. He needs a drink when he gets home. Or maybe four. Maybe a mug of coffee with a shot in it so he can write this novel instead of thinking about other things that are somehow more confusing.

When he wakes up the next morning, life continues the same as it always has. If he’s not working, Varric’s desperately trying to put down something for his novel or, if he can’t do that, trolling job postings online to see if there’s anything he’s qualified for. Certainly, he should be – he didn’t get a business degree his first time at school for nothing – but there’s nothing. Nothing right now, at least. He tells himself to hold out hope that there will be something in a few days, a few weeks, a few months. But he’s tired of waiting for good things to come around.

Still, like he’s said, things aren’t all bad.

After a few weeks he musters up the courage to take Kadan out to a bar after work – just as friends, of course, he clarifies, to which she heartily agrees. They play pool and get drunk and he’s convinced they even sing karaoke at one point, but he doesn’t really remember the next morning. What he does remember is that he’s going to be late for work, and that’s only because Kadan sends him a text to remind him, along with an embarrassing amount of smiley face emojis and a few pictures he doesn’t remember being taken.

He manages to make it into the café just before his shift starts.

“The man of the hour,” Hawke says as she moves around the counter to greet him. “Kadan told me about your little adventure last night. Well, she didn’t tell me –“ Hawke pulls out her phone – “she just sent me a bunch of pictures.”

“Leave me alone, Hawke,” Varric grumbles, heading for the back room with his notebook under one arm and his uniform in the other before Hawke can pull up any of the pictures of him with his tongue out or him with beer sloshed all over his chest.

“Hey, you can’t talk to your boss like that!” she protests with a smile.

“Just did!” Varric calls over to her as he shoulders the back room door open.

Kadan’s sitting at one of the tables nursing a coffee, and when she sees Varric, she lets out a low whistle. Much to his annoyance, she still looks great. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Not really,” he responds. “You?”

“A little,” she says. “Next time we do that, we should just… go back to either of our places to make sure the other one doesn’t throw up in their sleep and drown in their own vomit.”

Varric laughs, pulling his locker open and tossing his phone and his notebook inside.

“Sounds like a plan,” he replies. “Though I don’t suspect I’ll be doing that again any time soon. You have too much blackmail material on me as it is.”

“Good point.” Kadan slides out of her seat and hip checks Varric as she passes by. “You have two minutes ‘till your shift starts, Tethras. You don’t want to make the manager mad.”

“Believe me, Kadan,” he says, turning his head to watch as she stops in the doorway, “I know.”

Kadan winks at him before leaving.

He probably should have called in sick today, but what would have been the point in that? He needs money for rent anyway, and he wanted to see Kadan. He can’t help it. She cheers him up when he’s at his  grumpiest – well, most of the time, anyway, and when he’s too grumpy to be saved he at least knows she’ll put up with him through it. And she makes him laugh. And she holds a joke better than any of his other friends, so he can’t not appreciate her because of that.

The morning rush is quieter than normal – it’s raining, so most of their usual customers are probably opting to go straight to work, which means the coffee shop is dead safe for the occasionally straggler or university student. By the time lunch rolls around, Varric’s only made seven or eight coffees, and he burns out the rest of his coffee-making energy on his own, topped with butterscotch chips and whipped cream and all the disgusting shit he can think of that’ll hopefully keep him awake and alert until he can go home. If only he had some alcohol to pour into it….

On his break, he stirs the disgusting beige mush with a coffee stirrer in the break room, pouring over his notebook, staring at the lined pages and daring them to fill up with words on his own. He has the ideas – he just doesn’t know how to write them out. At least he has a couple of characters to work with. That makes things a little easier.

But just a little easier, like having a paddle to row across the ocean with when there’s already a leak in your boat.

He picks up his pen and taps it against his lips, mulling over what the first line can be, and instead opts to draw a crude cartoon picture of Hawke before the door to the break room slams open.

“Varric!” Kadan whines. “Your break is over! I’m hungry!”

“Okay, okay!” Varric throws his hands in the air and stands up, grabbing his coffee on the way out. “I’m going, I’m going!”

“Good,” Kadan says, crossing her arms over her chest, watching him drag himself back out to the counter. “The line-up of eighteen salesmen are waiting impatiently for their coffees.”

Varric’s nose wrinkles, and he sighs. “I hate you,” he mumbles.

“No,” she replies, “You know you love me.”

He can barely give her the finger before the door slams shut.

For some reason, the more and more coffee he drinks, the more and more he just wants to go home. He’s half convinced he should ask Hawke if he can leave early, but she’s eating a sandwich by the window and yelling into the phone at her brother and he doesn’t think that conversation would go over very well. His forehead pounds with a heavy headache, and he stares at the clock on the wall for the rest of his shift, hoping that, if he does, it might make it go a little faster.

He’s cleaning up the counter at the end of the night after Hawke closed up shop and said goodnight when Kadan slowly approaches, arms behind her back.

“So,” she begins. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Varric sighs. “Why not.”

“Are you… actually in love with me?”

His first response is to laugh, and he hopes it’s enough to hide the fact that his throat suddenly feels like it’s closing up. “What are you talking about?”

There’s a moment of silence as Kadan pulls whatever it is she has behind her back out and drops it on the counter he’s cleaning. It’s his notebook.

“Hey!” he protests, throwing his towel down and grabbing the book. “That’s private!”

“You left it on the table in the break room!” Kadan retorts haughtily. “I looked inside to see whose it was!”

Fuck. He doesn’t remember ever putting it back in his locker after his break. She’s definitely telling the truth.

“Well… so?” he says. “How does that relate to you asking me if I love you or… or s-something?”

She snatches it out of his hand, unbothered by his strangled noise of protest, and flips it open, scanning the pages with scribbles on them until she finds what she wants.

“There,” she says, pointing. “The main character’s girlfriend is a qunari named Nadak.”

“And?”

“Varric!”

She’s right again, unfortunately. Damn it. He hadn’t even realized until now. He hadn’t realized many things, it seems, because his heart is hammering in his chest and his palms are suddenly very sweaty and fuck, why is this conversation scaring him so bad?

“Okay, well… maybe it’s based off of you, but –“

“Varric.”

Her frustration fades into something smaller, sadder, and he reaches out for her. “Okay, maybe I – I don’t know, Kadan, maybe I have feelings for you. I haven’t really thought about it. I haven’t thought about much besides my novel lately…”

“So you don’t know?”

“No,” he answers. “No, I guess I do. I’ve just been trying to ignore it because – well, shit, I don’t know, Kadan. I kind of just assumed you always thought of me as a friend…”

“You’re such an idiot.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but –“

In one movement, Kadan’s picked him up under the armpits and sat him on the counter so that the cash register is uncomfortably digging into his back, and before Varric even has a chance to process what’s happening, she’s kissing him. She tastes faintly like peanut butter and chocolate and Varric freezes in place, not sure what he’s supposed do. Does he kiss her back? Does he touch her? Does she want him to?

When she pulls away, her eyes are closed for a second, and then her eyebrows furrow together. “Sorry,” she says quietly, continuing not to look at him. “I should’ve asked first –“

“Yeah, I just finished cleaning this counter, so –“

She opens her eyes and smacks his leg and he laughs.

“So, the feeling’s mutual, I guess?”

“Yeah,” Kadan replies. “I guess so.”

“You know, I heard somewhere that it’s pretty sexy to make out in a closet at work if you’re trying to avoid being seen by your boss,” Varric says, sliding off the counter onto the floor.

“Hawke left.”

“Did you ignore the part where I said it’s sexy? Because –“

As always, she does something to cut him off before he can finish, but he has to admit that her dragging him into the break room isn’t as annoying as the other times have been.

She fumbles with the keys to the janitor’s closet while he stands behind her impatiently, and she pushes him in the second it’s open. And then she’s kissing him again, cupping his face with one hand and closing the door behind them with the other, and this time, he kisses her back, because he can, and he wants to, and there’s nothing that can go wrong with this now.

Their visors bump up against each other and he laughs, reaching up to tug both of them off and toss them on the ground at his feet.

He has to angle his head a little bit to kiss her, and yet for some reason it doesn’t feel as awkward or as unusual as he thought it would. Of course, it helps that she lets him tug her down by the collar of her shirt as he works with her buttons, trying to focus on kissing her even though her clothes are providing to be more than a distraction. He huffs, pulling away, frowning as he works.

Kadan clears her throat. “Maybe we should –“

There’s a loud noise outside in the main part of the building, too loud not to be made by a person. They both turn to look at the door, frowning, Varric’s hands still on Kadan’s shirt, her hands still on his neck.

“What was that?” he whispers.

“I don’t know,” Kadan replies, “but –“

Suddenly, the door of the closet swings open, and Hawke’s standing there with her hands on her hips and her lips pursed, but the second she sees that someone is inside she lets out a horrific scream.

“Maker!” Varric says, startled, jumping away from Kadan. “Are you trying to wake up everyone in the neighbourhood, Hawke?”

“What are you doing?” she asks incredulously.

“Kissing,” Kadan chirps. “Why?”

“Maker…” Hawke rubs a weary hand over her face. “I mean, I’m happy for you. Watching the two of you flirt for the past two years with nothing coming of it has been torture.” Varric feels his cheeks beginning to burn, and he scrubs his hand over his face to try and hide it. “But also… don’t make out at work, maybe! And don’t scare the shit out of me like that!”

“Sounds good!” Varric says quickly, taking Kadan’s hair and pushing past Hawke. “Let’s get going, Kadan. I have some work on my novel to do, anyway.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he answers. “I don’t know where it came from, but I’m feeling inspired all of a sudden…”

“Well, I think you can probably thank me for that,” Kadan teases.

Varric laughs, drawing her hand up to kiss her knuckles. “Yeah… I think so, too.”

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 5.4

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time, in chapter 5’s first day of free time, which should by all rights have finally been a segment with barely any Kaito focus, multiple invitation dialogues had me talking about heroes and sidekicks, we hung out with Maki and heard adorable stories of her best friend from the orphanage and the sacrifices she made for her… and then Himiko’s FTEs somehow managed to be an incredibly fitting metaphor for what’s been going on between Shuichi and Kaito, which may or may not be on purpose on the writers’ part but I sure had way too much fun with it regardless.

Shuichi:  (It’s nighttime. I *would* have been training…)

You could train without Kaito! You’ve done it before. Buuuut I don’t know how much good that would do to take Shuichi’s mind of his problems in this situation, because his biggest problem right now is intrinsically connected to the training itself, so he’d just be constantly reminding himself of it and worrying about it more.

*ding-dong!* *ding-dong!*

Unnecessary hypothetical tangent time! I’ve seen a few blind Let’s Players respond to this by wondering if it could be Kaito having come to talk to Shuichi. To which my immediate thought was “don’t you know it obviously can’t be Kaito; the doorbell didn’t ring a million times”.

But! Then I thought about it some more. If this was hypothetically Kaito having mustered up the courage to talk to Shuichi about what happened in the trial, he would still be convinced that Shuichi feels let down by and ashamed of him. Kaito would believe that Shuichi wouldn’t want to talk to him, and therefore that Shuichi probably wouldn’t answer the door if he knew it was Kaito. So Kaito would not want to make it clear it was him at the door by ringing it incessantly and would only ring the normal-person amount of times, to make Shuichi think it was somebody else. Which would be a fun reversal of the time in chapter 3 when Maki deliberately mimicked Kaito’s doorbell habits because she still felt that Shuichi wouldn’t answer the door if he knew it was her.

Anyway, that’s all a total hypothetical and Kaito does not in fact have the courage to face Shuichi whatsoever. It’s Maki at the door.

Maki:  “Kaito asked me earlier… to show him my research lab.”

Shuichi:  “Huh? Your lab?”

Maki:  “I might as well show him, since I know he won’t take no for an answer… So you have to come, too.”

She just says Shuichi “has” to come without explaining why that’s so apparently necessary. This is all about her trying to get Shuichi and Kaito in the same space so that they can potentially talk to each other and sort things out between them, but she’s not mentioning that here. Maybe she thinks that if she tells Shuichi that then he won’t want to come.

She then leaves after saying this without checking if Shuichi is actually coming with her. Clearly she has learned that if you tell Shuichi to do a thing in an assertive enough tone, he will probably do it. Kaito taught her that one.

Shuichi:  “…” (Maki invited me, so… I should go.)

Implying that he’s only going because Maki invited him and he doesn’t want to disappoint her. Meaning that he doesn’t want to go for Kaito’s sake and the chance of making up with him, like he’s just expecting everything between them to continue to be painful and awkward and there’s nothing he’d ever be able to do to fix that.

Tsumugi is hanging out in the courtyard looking up at the stars, and reminds Shuichi of what Gonta said once before about them looking different. She could have reminded us of this at any time up to this point, but she’s choosing to do so now. It’s almost like this is finally the chapter where all of the hints about the space thing are being dropped at once and she’s deliberately adding to that.

Tsumugi:  “With all the horrible things happening, I was always looking down… I need to thank Gonta.”

She’s still committed to her thing of caring about Gonta, at least. She didn’t drop that once he died (even though she’s one of the people responsible for his death). I guess he really was her favourite character.

Shuichi:  “Ah, sorry I’m late…”

Kaito:  “Hm? O-Oh… so you came, too…”

Kaito was not mentally prepared to suddenly be in the same room as Shuichi right now, was he.

Shuichi:  “Y-Yeah…”

Kaito:  “…”

Shuichi:  “…” (Silence.)

So much for Maki hoping that this would magically get them to talk to each other. They are both still convinced that the other doesn’t want to talk to them, so this was never going to happen just because they’re in the same room.

Maki:  *sigh*

(As if utterly bored by the painful silence, Maki started up a conversation.)

She is so frustrated at her friends continuing to be idiots like this.

Maki:  “Why did you ask to see my research lab so suddenly, Kaito?”

Kaito:  “Well… I just wanted to see what kind of weapons were here.”

Maki:  “What? Why would you want to see my weap—”

Kaito:  “But wow! There’s a ton of stuff here!”

Because he’s going to need a bunch of weapons for his brilliantly heroic plan that he’s been working on, of course! It’s a little surprising that he doesn’t mention that that’s what this is for here, especially the way he seems to deliberately cut off her question about it. Maybe he’s worried that Maki is going to try and talk him out of doing something reckless if he tells her the plan right now.

Kaito:  “But there’s no swords of any kind here – Japanese or western – right?”

Maki:  “I don’t use swords of any type. Not after I botched a mission with my katana.”

Which Kaito should already know, but that was an optional scene so we’re awkwardly pretending like he doesn’t.

Kaito:  “Either way, I don’t feel like weapons really suit women.”

Aaand here’s the final Misogyny Bullet to hit its mark. This one I can’t actually prove to be something that is objectively out of character for Kaito to think, because we’ve never heard anything about his thoughts on weapons at all up until now. But based on the fact that every other comment of Kaito’s like this was provably out of character, we can assume that this isn’t something we should take to heart as being a defining point about him either.

(This final one is literally only the fourth instance of this in the whole game. Four single lines. Just picture how absolutely tiny that molehill is, compared to the mountain of everything else Kaito ever says and does throughout five chapters of being one of the most prominent characters, all of which thoroughly contradicts him being that kind of person.)

Maki:  “Care to explain why you wanted to see my weapons?”

Kaito:  “Didn’t I tell you this morning? I’ve got a plan all figured out. Oh! What’s in that black case over there?”

(As if backing away from the conversation, Kaito headed to the far bookcase…)

He still seems to be trying to avoid talking about his plan as much as possible, probably because he doesn’t want Maki to question him on it and learn that he does not, in fact, have anything “all figured out” at all.

I also get the sense that Kaito “backing away from the conversation” like this is him finding a distraction that’ll give him an excuse to not have to talk to Shuichi either. Kaito knows perfectly well why Maki invited him, after all.

Kaito:  “Hm, so when you put them together, they become a crossbow. Looks interesting.”

Kaito is so curious and interested in anything and everything! Even when it’s a weapon, which he just said… well, let’s pretend he just said he doesn’t really like weapons in general. (It would make sense for Kaito to think that, since he’s all about people working together and communicating and using human creations to achieve great things, not using the fruits of human ingenuity to hurt each other.)

And Kaito’s really only interested in the crossbow for curiosity’s sake, rather than in terms of his plan, because he doesn’t include any crossbows in his big pile of weapons in the gym tomorrow.

Kaito:  “Hey Maki Roll… can you teach me how to put it together?”

He’s not even planning to use the crossbows on Monokuma and he has no idea he’s going to want to use one later either! He just wants to learn a cool thing!

Maki:  “And then, put that other part in the opposite way… Ah wait. That’s wrong.”

Kaito:  “Oh, my bad. It goes this way.”

Maki:  “Mmhm. Then, next it’s—”

It’s pretty cute to see Kaito being the one in the role of student, messing up sometimes and having Maki guide him and fix his mistakes. That’s a role Kaito is not usually comfortable putting himself in at all. Presumably he’s okay with this here because this is just an intellectual thing and there’s always more to be learned in that regard. This is quite separate from the kind of emotional and personal growth that he is always supposed to be in the teacher role for and definitely never need any help with himself.

Shuichi:  (While watching those two, the memory of a similar scene came to my mind.)

Shuichi’s talking about himself and Kaede, specifically the time she held his hand and encouraged him to be braver about his issues of facing the truth. Which… doesn’t have anything to do with Maki teaching Kaito how to build a crossbow? The only vague similarity is that Maki is giving Kaito guidance, but I just talked about how it’s a completely different type of guidance from emotional support and therefore not really that analogous at all. Any moment in which Kaito was encouraging Shuichi or Maki to fight their “enemy” earlier in the story would have been a far more appropriate moment for Shuichi reminiscence about this – after all, Kaito, rather than Maki, is the one who’s really parallel to Kaede.

The only other similarity is that there happen to be romantic feelings involved in both cases, which is clearly what the game is actually trying to get at. And that’s annoying. It makes no sense to try and link them together just because of that when they are otherwise completely different – they both involve two people bonding in some way, perhaps, but they’re completely different kinds of bonding and neither are inherently romantic and could just as well have happened if all the feelings involved were nothing but platonic. Maki certainly isn’t thinking about what she’s doing as some kind of peak romance. She’s just teaching Kaito how to build a goddamn crossbow. The fact that she incidentally happens to have feelings for him is completely irrelevant, and there’s nothing in her behaviour that suggests that’s on her mind right now.

The narrative’s treatment of Maki’s thing for Kaito can occasionally get a little amatonormative, which frustrates me. (It’s still pretty minor, though – I see far, far worse all the freaking time.) But Maki herself never makes as big of a deal about it as the narrative does, which is appropriate for her character and which I appreciate. The writing is slightly awkward about it, but it’s not the writing of Maki which is awkward, just the writing around her, so I don’t have an inherent problem with the fact that Maki feels this way.

Kaito:  “Whoa, since I built it, it became an extra-cool crossbow!”

Naturally. A Luminary of the Stars crossbow! He’s such a dork.

(And, given the state of mind he’s been in lately, he’s almost certainly completely faking his overblown opinion of himself now.)

Kaito:  “It seems like it’s a bit complicated… but I think I can do it by myself next time.”

You’re not even currently planning on there being a next time, Kaito!

Maki:  “…Shuichi, do you want to learn, too?”

While Maki started teaching Kaito because he asked, she offers to do the same for Shuichi out of nowhere. I get the sense that she’s trying to include him in what’s happening and give him and Kaito some common ground to maybe, just maybe, actually start a conversation over and slowly begin to close the gap between them.

(And the fact that she offered this to Shuichi goes to show that teaching someone how to build a crossbow is, funnily enough, not some kind of deep metaphor for romantic feelings.)

Shuichi:  “Ah, no, that’s alright… I sort of understand from watching anyway.”

…But it seems Shuichi doesn’t quite want to be included in this way and possibly brought closer to having to maybe talk to Kaito. Dammit, Shuichi, you’re not helping the situation here.

Maki:  “Then let’s put it away. You can easily take it apart by reversing the steps.”

Kaito:  “Wait, do I have to do it?”

Maki:  “Who else is going to do it?”

Kaito:  “Yeah… s-sorry… I don’t… feel too good again…”

Maki:  “…Huh?”

Kaito:  “It seems like I’m not at 100%! So I’m gonna go back first!”

This is not about Kaito not wanting to put the crossbow away. He has never actually been as lazy and flaky as he can sometimes come across – and most of the times that he has come across that way, it’s really been because of his illness. This is because of his illness too. He’s probably started to feel another blood-coughing fit coming on and desperately doesn’t want to be around them for it (and we are indeed going to see him coughing up blood soon after this). So he’s using not wanting to put the crossbow away as his cover for leaving – and since being lazy and unreliable is not something it’d be in his character to admit to so he can’t just claim that outright without it sounding like an obvious excuse, he’s making it sound like he’s using his illness as the obviously-fake excuse to get out of that.

He’s making the truth sound like a lie in order to convince everyone that it’s not really the truth at all. That is some Kokichi-level deception there. Kaito is getting really desperate.

Shuichi:  (Ignoring Maki trying to stop him, Kaito fled the room.)

“Fled”. That sure is a word to describe it, Shuichi. Somehow I don’t think having to put a crossbow away and tidy up after yourself is something anyone would ever have a reason to flee from.

Maki:  “I knew he wasn’t the type to clean up, but I never thought he’d run away with a crappy lie…”

It worked. He convinced them that the illness part was the lie and not the other way around. Maki even remarks that it doesn’t seem like him to lie about that, yet she still bought that that’s what he did. God damnit, Kaito.

Maki:  “…How frustrating. He’s the worst.”

I love her pouty face as she says this. Why does she care about this idiot so much. (Because he still saved her, even though he’s an idiot.)

Shuichi:  “Ah, well, that’s just Kaito…”

Is it, Shuichi? I thought you were always the one to stand up for him when he couldn’t train because he was phobia-sick and Maki acted like he was just making pathetic excuses. Shouldn’t you be standing up for him here in that same way, since you know Kaito never really makes excuses like that? Apparently not, because that would mean suggesting that Kaito really is still sick and that wasn’t just an excuse. Even though it was clear at breakfast that nobody was convinced Kaito was really back at 100%, Shuichi still does not want to suggest out loud that this could be the case.

Maki:  “I’m sure you know why I invited you, right?”

Shuichi:  “Y-Yeah… I do. You were trying to get Kaito and me to make up.”

Of course Shuichi knew that as well. They both did – they just didn’t want to acknowledge it because that would mean admitting that they should be trying to talk to each other.

Really, Maki was going about this in a very unhelpfully indirect way that was just giving both of them plenty of excuse to continue to awkwardly ignore each other. What she really should have done is just talk about it, explicitly bringing attention to the fact that they should be talking to each other and try to force them to do so one way or another. If she was willing to be less indirect, I can honestly see her just declaring that she’s not letting them leave until they’ve talked to each other, then shutting them in here and guarding the door from outside. Granted, Kaito would probably immediately decide he’s not going to say a word in the hope he can out-stubborn Maki and get her to give up and let them out, because doing that would seem less painful to him than actually talking to Shuichi about this. But Shuichi at least would attempt to talk to Kaito for lack of anything else to do (he doesn’t think he can out-stubborn Maki), and in the process Kaito would start to realise that he’s completely misunderstanding Shuichi’s whole state of mind here and they might actually get somewhere.

If only Maki had realised that just them talking to each other in any shape or form would immediately start to fix things.

Maki:  “It’s not like he hates you or anything.”

Very correct! I’m glad she knows this much at least. (If she thought Kaito really did (inconceivably) hate Shuichi now, there’d have been no point her even trying to get them to make up here.)

Maki:  “He’s just being stubborn.”

…Less correct. Stubbornness would mean that this is about his principles and he’s stubbornly sticking to them even if it means shunning Shuichi. As I went over countless times during the trial, that was never truly the point. But the fact that Maki thinks it is explains why she doesn’t realise how easily talking would solve things – she thinks talking would just make it worse as long as Kaito’s still in this stubborn mood and it’s instead a case of needing to slowly wear down his stubbornness, hence her completely unhelpful indirect approach.

Shuichi:  “But… I just don’t know what to say to him.”

He doesn’t say anything else before this “but”, so he never specifically agrees that he knows Kaito doesn’t hate him. Shuichi, please tell me you at least know Kaito doesn’t hate you. You can’t be that painfully wrong, surely?

Shuichi:  “I-I had no choice! Gonta… If I didn’t do something, everyone would have died… I… I don’t think it’d be right to apologize for that…”

*very deep breath*

EXACTLY! Of course you shouldn’t apologise for that when you didn’t do anything wrong! This is precisely Kaito’s opinion on apologising! It is not possible that he could be expecting an apology from you!

This right here is the other reason I kept stressing Kaito’s principles on apologising so much – because it proves beyond a doubt that it does not make any kind of sense for Kaito to be angry at Shuichi here and wanting some kind of apology before he’ll talk to him again.

This isn’t something that necessarily requires multiple playthroughs to appreciate, either. I noticed during this moment on my first time through that what Shuichi said matched Kaito’s previously-stated opinions exactly and therefore Shuichi was wrong to be assuming Kaito wanted him to apologise. This is the biggest, most unambiguous clue that would let someone pick up that there’s more going on with Kaito here than meets the eye, but apparently most people still don’t, and it makes me sad. I’ve watched several blind LPs of this game – probably something like ten by now – and out of all of them, only one eventually sort of vaguely wondered if there might be more to this than just Kaito being angry. The real truth of this situation is so compelling, and it doesn’t deserve to be written off as its apparent face value and nothing more.

There’s also the part where Shuichi was almost certainly witness to the time Kaito most clearly expressed his opinions about apologising, to Kaede back in chapter 1 after the tunnel incident. You may recall how I awkwardly went out of my way to point out that despite how Kaito and Shuichi each leave after having their optionally-ordered conversations with Kaede there, it makes the most sense to think that Kaito canonically said his bit first and so Shuichi would have overheard it. This is the future point at which that is relevant that I promised back then. Buuuut, even though Shuichi probably heard Kaito’s speech that time, apparently he forgot about that, because if he remembered then he should be able to realise that Kaito can’t possibly want him to apologise here. I guess we can put that down to the fact that at the time his dependency was focused on Kaede and he wasn’t really paying attention to Kaito that much, so the things Kaito said weren’t necessarily likely to register or stick in his mind.

Something else interesting to note is that while Shuichi had a tendency to apologise unnecessarily in front of Kaede a lot, he never did so in front of Kaito, not even earlier on. He can’t have done, because if he had, Kaito would have given him the whole don’t-apologise-when-you’re-not-in-the-wrong speech and he’d definitely have remembered that. “Don’t make yourself feel bad unnecessarily for something that isn’t your fault” was in fact the general gist of a lot of the advice Kaito was giving Shuichi near the start, since that was Shuichi’s biggest problem. But Kaito never specifically mentioned apologising during any of that advice, so Shuichi never picked up on that part of his philosophy in particular – and I wonder how deliberate that was on the writers’ part in order to get this chapter to work.

It’s also quite remarkable that Shuichi is self-assured enough to be able to stand by what he did here and be sure that he shouldn’t apologise. That chapter 1 Shuichi who apologised too much to Kaede, and maybe also the early-chapter-2 Shuichi who blamed himself for Kaede’s death, would almost certainly have caved into telling himself he was in the wrong about this. And that growth from Shuichi is most likely thanks to Kaito’s influence anyway, albeit in a more indirect way that he’s less consciously aware of. Shuichi’s become able to think this way at least in part because some of Kaito’s general conviction and self-assuredness has rubbed off on him, even without him needing to follow specific words of advice.

Shuichi:  “I’m sorry, Maki. I just… need more time…”

You’re not the one who needs it, Shuichi. The responsibility to fix this isn’t on you. If you could figure out what was going on in Kaito’s head and manage to help him, that would be really good… but you shouldn’t have to.

The reality of it is that Kaito was the one whose actions in the trial were in the wrong, not Shuichi. Kaito ended up making things more painful for Shuichi in a way that could have been avoided if he hadn’t acted the way he did. It’s like a worse version of the time he punched Shuichi at the end of Kaede’s trial, which was him losing control of himself and lashing out when he never really wanted to, and he apologised for that the morning after. Kaito is the one who owes Shuichi an apology here, and there’s no way he’s not aware of that. This is the one time in the story that Kaito shows an exception to his principles about apologising in the opposite direction from usual: not apologising when he has done something wrong. It’s not that he doesn’t think he should – it’s just that the thought of how badly he failed Shuichi during the trial hurts him so much that he doesn’t have the strength to accept it and face Shuichi and admit that he messed up.

The problem isn’t that Kaito is being stubborn, but rather that right now he’s basically being a coward. Which has a very different ring to it than all the times I’ve called Kokichi a coward, because Kokichi is almost always a coward and nopes away at the slightest sign of anything he doesn’t like. But Kaito is usually able to be pretty damn brave and face unpleasant things head-on – that even seems to be one of his general principles, like when he was encouraging Himiko to face up to Tenko’s death. So the fact that he can’t bring himself to face this even slightly just goes to show how absolutely terrified he must be about admitting this failure to Shuichi.

(Ready for an even-more-overthinking-it and somewhat personal tangent? Kaito concluding that he’s obviously failed Shuichi is very much a result of his issues about heroes and sidekicks, and I don’t want to sound like I’m about to diminish the importance of that. But the fact that this perceived failure is then apparently so unbearably painful to him that he simply cannot face it suggests to me that Kaito is also dealing with a thing called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which amplifies this type of emotional pain to far more intense levels (and has a somewhat misleading name because it can also be about failure as well as rejection). This is one of the lesser-known symptoms of ADHD, and once this occurred to me, I then thought of everything else about Kaito and realised that huh, this actually makes a lot of sense. So ADHD Kaito is a pet headcanon of mine, one which totally doesn’t have anything to do with me having realised that I have ADHD and researched more about exactly what it is while being hyperfixated on Kaito. I have a lot more thoughts about this that don’t belong in this commentary because they aren’t really relevant to the story – the only point at which this headcanon potentially impacts the story, hence why I’m even mentioning it here at all, is right here in early chapter 5. I can confirm from experience that RSD sucks and makes even seemingly innocuous things hurt like hell, so if Kaito really does have ADHD and this really is contributing to his pain right now, holy crap I do not blame him one bit for not being able to face this.)

Maki:  *sigh* “I didn’t realize you two would require such high maintenance.”

I love the way Maki puts this, like she’s unintentionally wound up taking care of two very difficult children. She’s such a good child caregiver!

Shuichi:  “S-Sorry…”

Not your fault, Shuichi. Well, okay, slightly your fault for being so oblivious, but one can’t really blame you for what you’re not aware of. It is definitely far more Kaito’s fault for not having the courage to do what he knows he should be doing to put this right.

Shuichi:  (I didn’t realize… Maki would be so concerned about us.)

And speaking of you being oblivious, Shuichi! How do you not already know by this point that Maki is a very caring person who would obviously worry about her friends when they’re being like this?

Shuichi:  (In the end, I was the one who ended up disassembling the crossbow.)

So Maki did end up teaching him how to do it (albeit backwards) after all. Sort of beside the point though when the reason she offered in the first place was to try and encourage him and Kaito to talk to each other here, and it’s too late for that.

Shuichi:  (And then there’s the… thing with me and Kaito…) “I need to make up with him… For us… and for Maki.”

Shuichi is still assuming it’s his responsibility to do this and not having it even remotely occur to him that actually maybe Kaito’s the one who needs to take action. But it’s nice that he sees it as even more important to do now he realises it’s not just hurting the two of them but also Maki as well. This is definitely something Kaito would realise too after tonight… not that that’s going to be enough to give Kaito the push he needs to do something, so he’s just going to be feeling even more guilty and awful about his cowardice now.

Shuichi:  (I fell asleep thinking about it…)

This is the first time in a while Shuichi has gone to sleep while thoughts of his current problems have been going around and around in his head. Kaito’s training was supposed to help him not do that! But here we are again… thanks to Kaito’s mistakes.

Meanwhile, Kaito is helplessly coughing up blood outside, presumably in some hidden corner of the courtyard where Shuichi and Maki wouldn’t have accidentally happened across him on their way back.

Kaito:  “Wh-Why…? Why… now? Why… me?”

This “why me?” is the closest Kaito ever gets to expressing the sentiment that it’s not fair that he’s the one who has to go through this. No-one else is dealing with anything like this; he’s the only one who has to carry this unimaginably heavy burden on top of everything else. Kaito would never directly voice the idea that he doesn’t think it’s fair, because that would centre things around himself – he’s bad enough at thinking that his suffering even matters at all, never mind putting it above everyone else’s. He is far too painfully selfless to ever consciously think that way, even beneath the façade he puts on for others – Kaito would sooner go through this a thousand times over than wish it upon anybody else in his place. But even so, there is a tiny part of him that does still feel that injustice that manages to come through here, just subtly enough that he probably doesn’t even register it, while he’s alone and no-one will ever see him feeling this way.

Also, though, why Kaito indeed? There’s three different answers to this question depending on the level of fictionality you look at it through.

In the most fictional sense, in terms of the in-story story about the meteorites and the virus that everyone on the Gofer Project was supposed to be immune to, it’s because he’s the astronaut. If they’re going to be flying in a spaceship and reaching a new world, an astronaut is the one talent they’d benefit from more than anything else, to the point that they’d be willing to take compromises over the immunity thing in order to get Kaito on board. An astronaut who’s only partially immune to the virus and who will be sick and drop dead a few weeks into the trip is still better than no astronaut at all. If any of the students was going to turn out to be only partially immune to the virus despite having been chosen for the Gofer Project, the most plausible one for it would be him.

In a less fictional sense, on the level of this being a story written by Team Danganronpa, it’s because Kaito was written to be the figure of support for Shuichi’s character arc of being a weak Ultimate Detective who grows strong. In aid of that, they wanted Kaito to give him that push in the first place, but then for Shuichi to have to slowly learn to stand on his own without Kaito. First they did this by extremely lazily nerfing Kaito’s effectiveness in chapter 3 with his arbitrary phobia. And now they’re nerfing Kaito in the most comprehensive way there is, by killing him. It’s possible that he would have gotten killed by the killing game at some point anyway, but the in-universe writers couldn’t leave that to chance and wanted to be sure Shuichi would eventually lose him, so they made sure Kaito was dying no matter what for an external reason that could be conveniently tied into their backstory.

(Oh, man, if Kaito ever learned that the reason he’s dying, on the truest level that matters to him, is simply that the mastermind just wanted him out of the way and out of the “story” so that Shuichi could take the spotlight and be the real hero who doesn’t need his help anymore… fuck, that would be vicious. That’d stab Kaito exactly where he’s already hurting the most. Maybe it’s a good thing he never actually learns the truth.)

But on the not-at-all-fictional level, it’s because the real, out-universe purpose of Kaito’s story isn’t just to be the mentor for Shuichi’s development, but also to be a deconstruction of those kinds of heroic mentor characters. (I can think of four other characters in other works of fiction who remind me of Kaito in that they seem like perfect heroes but know that their best friend can become even stronger than them and inspire said friend to reach that potential – and all four of them die.) In order to deconstruct that, Kaito needed to be, on some level, not okay with only being there to inspire Shuichi and then die, and to do that he needs to know that he’s going to die. Kaito would already have been messed up to some extent by his percieved inferiority to Shuichi even if he weren’t dying, but the helplessness caused by his impending death and how he tried to deal with it by clinging to the feeling that at least Shuichi needs him only to lose that too has made his breakdown far more spectacular than it would have been otherwise. Kaito’s entire character arc is delightful and his looming inevitable death is a vital part of it, and the out-universe writers know exactly what they’re doing. (The in-universe writers don’t, though. I really believe they only see Kaito as a disposable crutch for Shuichi’s development and not as someone to have a character arc of his own. Boy were they wrong. Boy are most of the best parts of this story not something the in-universe writers had planned at all.)

Kaito:  “Damn it… I’m running… outta time.”

Not for himself. He already said this morning he was going to get “you guys” and not “us” out of here. He’s running out of time to finally make a difference and be a hero to everyone else after how badly he feels he’s failed so far.

Kaito:  “I can’t die like this… Like hell am I gonna… die here…”

“Like this”, meaning he can’t die the way he currently is, as a failure. “Here”, meaning he can’t die while everyone’s still trapped in here and at least wants to see them escape and know they’re going to be okay before the end.

Kaito:  “I… I still… haven’t gone… t-to space… Damn it…”

Final reminder: Kaito cannot die before he has gone to space. Five times he says something to this effect. It is So Important.

…But this time, I don’t think Kaito really believes he’s going to manage it. I think this is him brokenly lamenting the realisation that he’s never going to make it to space after all. Everything else he wants is for others. This is the only thing he wants that’s purely for himself, and it’s the one thing he knows is already a lost cause.

I really like how the illustration here is framed such that the background behind Kaito is the stars he thinks he’ll never get to reach.

This is almost the same illustration as the scene at the end of chapter 3, except there’s a lot more blood, and his expression is even more anguished, to the point that he’s crying. The previous times Kaito cried, it was for other people who’d died, for all of the pain that everyone had been feeling in general. Here, Kaito is only crying for himself. So it’s only natural that he’d only ever do this when nobody else will see him.

Also, mad props to Kaito’s voice actor for this scene. You can hear every bit of his fear and helplessness beneath his desperate attempts to still sound determined, and it’s wonderful.

(His Japanese VA’s performance here is equally good, mind you; do recommend checking out both.)

Also also, props to the out-universe writers for even including this scene? This is one of not many times that Shuichi’s POV is broken, and that usually only happens during chapter opening/ending stingers. And we already know full well by this point that Kaito is definitely dying, so it’s not like this tells us any new plot information that we didn’t otherwise have. We’re shown this solely because it’s important for us to understand how Kaito is feeling about this, that the façade he puts on in front of the others is very much a façade for the others and he isn’t able to lie to himself about the way he really feels. Even if he has trouble admitting it to himself in words, because that would be tantamount to giving up, he is clearly quite consciously aware of how bad things are beneath it all. (This is, of course, in contrast to Kokichi, who was still thoroughly lying to himself about everything when we saw him alone at night.) The writers care so much about getting Kaito’s character arc across as much as is possible considering how much he hides from the surface and how oblivious Shuichi is to it all, and I’m so glad they do.

On a related note, it’s time for my favourite Monokuma Theater! Which happens to be the only one of the actually-meaningful ones whose meaning should be readily apparent on a first time through.

Monokuma:  “Recklessness is a beautiful thing.”

Because he’s obviously talking about Kaito.

Monokuma:  “It’s so beautiful, I want to print the words ‘Reckless Beauty’ on a t-shirt.”

(I low-key want there to be Danganronpa fan creators out there who have actually made t-shirts like this.)

Monokuma:  “Because recklessness is the stuff that dreams are made of.”

Dreams like going to space, no matter how impossible that might seem!

Monokuma:  “It’s what makes you run at full speed, with no regard for your limitations.”

It’s what makes you cheat your way in and take a test you know you’re too young for, with no regard for what might happen if you get caught, all so that you can get to space that much sooner! It’s what makes you keep giving it your all to support your friends, with no regard for the fact that you’re dying!

Monokuma:  “It’s what makes you excited by anything.”

Like space! Like snow! Like crossbows! Like every single kind of human endeavour imaginable! Like magic and made-up kids’ games you know aren’t true but who cares because pretending they are is fun!

Monokuma:  “Some say it’s foolish, but recklessness is what causes new events to unfold.”

Like encouraging everyone to risk using the first Flashback Light when most of them were too scared to try it! Like reaching out to a lonely assassin who would have remained alone without your help because nobody else wanted to risk getting close to her! Like taking action to fight back even though you have no idea what you’re doing, because if you don’t then no-one else will!

Monokuma:  “So while you’re still alive, live your life so recklessly that it makes you immortal.”

And maybe if you live so recklessly in the time you have left, with such brazen disregard for your limits and weaknesses, maybe it’ll help you feel like you aren’t really weak and dying at all.

Monokuma:  “And if haters laugh at you, let them. They just don’t appreciate reckless beauty like you do.”

Stick to your convictions! Be true to yourself! Never stop being you, no matter how much everyone else tells you you’re an idiot! You know your recklessness is beautiful, so who cares what others think!?

This whole thing is clearly written to celebrate so many of the things that are great about Kaito, and I love it.

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[Next post]

Aaand for the sons: Mantee and Lionfish for Yoru, Eel for Abel and Giant Squid for Natsume! ☆

Okay here now and lets get ready to expand some characters!!!!YoruManatee: do you often call people sweet names? which ones are your favourite ones?           “Not usually, no. Most of the time I call Shirou ‘prince’ as a playful tease.... I’m not really the best at pet/sweet names. I do like calling him Prince though, it’s really nice seeing him blush after it.”

Lionfish: what is your sexuality? if you aren’t straight, when did you realize it? was it hard?

         *magical time skip to GO years*          “Uhhh I fall somewhere on the ace spectrum, and that’s about all I’ve got for you so, yeah, it was hard. I think I’m demiromantic and asexual, but all of it’s kinda topsy-turvy. I figured I wasn’t straight around the time I entered junior high, I think? Maybe final year of elementary, so when I was 12. It never really crossed my mind and I think I figured acting on it would be like a switch that turns on some time during puberty, or whenever you wanted it to turn on.          I didn’t like girls, so I figured I was gay and just hadn’t flipped the switch yet; I knew about the ace spectrum thanks to mom’s job, but I didn’t really think it applied to me because I didn’t realize what I was thinking wasn’t the usual thinking. But then I met Shirou and after being hit in the face with the fact I had a crush on him, I started putting two and two together. After about four years of trying to figure out what labels best fit, though, I just stopped caring about them and say I’m on the ace spectrum.”

AbelEel: what music band/singer has inspired you the most to follow your dreams and be yourself? why?         “Hm, I guess Clouded Irises*? Though it’s a little less “follow your dreams” and more “feel less broken”. Their songs deal with topics very few bands touch on in such a way, and they make me feel like it’s okay to be hurting the way I do. Their songs feel the way I do. Sometimes the songs remind me of how much I miss my mom, other times they remind me all too well of my illness, but instead of making me hate it more, they actually calm me down and I feel a bit like I can breathe again.”         (*in real life the band is Broken Iris, go check out their songs!!!)

NatsumeGiant squid: did you like fairy tales as a kid? which children story is still your favourite one?          “I adored fairytales as a kid, though not as much as Yoru and Hyouga liked them. They’d eat them up in seconds—I think Yoru once memorized the entire tale of Sleeping Beauty via absorbing it through his skin. My favorite story…. Hm, I think it’d have to be Rapunzel or Hansel and Gretel! I used to dream of making a life-sized candy house, and Rapunzel was just a really fun story to hear!”

Weird question, but you seem really productive despite seeming to have a constantly fluctuating routine, with both your work and your hobbies. Most people think having a solid routine is the only way to increase your productivity but I've pretty much given up on having a routine since my life seems similar to yours--a lot of travel, weird and always changing work hours. Do you have any advice on how you deal with routine and productivity in spite of that?

Oh gosh, this is definitely something I struggle with a LOT, and I’m not sure I’ve found a coping strategy that works for me yet. But the small things that have been helping have been (1) keeping a routine in my planning even if the stuff I do changes dramatically (even if I’m traveling, I have a notebook where, every Sunday, I list all the stuff that has specific dates/times for the following week, I list the stuff where I still have to come up with a date/time, and I list the stuff I’ve gotta do that week for sure), and (2) finding multiple ways to approach the same goals that I can tailor to my level of energy/spare time on any given week (so this week I’m just not in a super exercisey mindset and can’t rely on having the motivation to run every day, but instead I’m making an extra effort not to eat out this week—lower-effort for my current state of mind, but all toward the same goal of feeling a bit healthier overall).

I’m also very cognizant of how little time at work is actually spent working, so I try not to feel guilty if the total number of hours worked is low as long as the work’s getting done. I’m an incredibly routine-oriented person, but it’s been a bit freeing to slowly and steadily teach myself that stuff just has to get finished one way or another, and the easiest way to do that is to just focus on specific goals and let the rest be flexible.

Anyway, yesterday I was thinking of this ask and was like, “You know, I’ll just write up what I do on Monday as an example, and I bet things will go hilariously awry.” And so they did.

So here’s what my weekly planning list looked like last night:

Dated Events:

Call with paper coauthor at 9AM Monday

Call with leadership academy planning committee at 10AM Monday

Call with peer mentoring group at 9AM Tuesday

Sit in on class at 11:30AM Tuesday and Thursday

Seminars Wednesday at 3PM, Thursday at 4PM, and Friday at 3PM

D&D Saturday at 6PM

Undated Events:

Coordinating abstract submission for an upcoming conference (early week)

Setting up Skype calls with a couple friends I haven’t talked to in a while (late week)

Assorted Priorities:

Book hotel for work travel in July

Accept journal article review request and scope out how long that’ll take

Review some materials sent out for my peer mentoring call

Revise my paper and submit the revisions before the Monday deadline

Get my driver’s license renewed (the joys of yearly visa renewal… your license has to be renewed yearly as well)

Put together a schedule for a biweekly Twitter feature highlighting new publications for the account I run for a subcommittee in my field

Respond to an e-mail about a conference in January about some weird deadline that popped up for next week

Come up with conference abstract ideas before the as-yet-unscheduled meeting

Fill out some action items in advance of my 10AM Monday call

And some more specific checklists for four research projects I’m focusing on this week

I purposely try to group conference calls together, because I currently share my office and feel weird doing video calls when she’s stuck in frame five feet away from me while she tries to work. So Monday seems like a good day to work from home, and I can squeeze in Tuesday’s call before heading to the office that morning. I’ll be in the office Tuesday-Friday, which means I’ll be able to attend those seminars and classes with no problem. I have most of my D&D prep done already because we ended early last game, so I can leave that until Saturday. The only thing I might have to shuffle to next week is the driver’s license thing, because it’ll take three hours and I have to account for finding a Lyft there and back. Okay. Aces.

Wake up this morning to find my internet’s out, and I also somehow left the hard drive with all my research on it at work. Hoo boy. But staring over my to-do list, I think I can set today up as a “big picture” day and not have to do any actual coding, so I’m still okay to work from home. I can also phone in to the conference calls instead of using the video call software. All good.

Luckily, the internet comes back right before my first call of the day. Said call is with someone who also happens to be a dean, so she has a tendency to get held up at meetings, so I take that delay to look at the action items for my second call (I mean… if you send me action items at 8PM on a Sunday I am not gonna touch them until Monday morning).

When she did make it online, we chatted about the new paper, and she strongly encouraged me to send it to our other coauthors in case they have suggestions. We’re submitting on Monday, which is way too short-notice to read a 20-page research paper, but they already read the pre-revision version in great detail, so I shot them an e-mail that included a summary of the substantial changes and a note to the effect that if any of them want more time to look at this stuff, I can beg the editor for an extension on their behalf. Minor crisis averted.

Second meeting is very intense and structured. Everyone has to volunteer to organize and lead two webinars in the next three months, so I go ahead and volunteer for the two April ones so I’ll get it out of the way early. Aaand the first webinar is at 1PM this Friday. Okay. I’ll work from home that morning so I can do last-minute prep, then head into the office in time for the 3PM seminar. No biggie. One organizer puts together a draft schedule, and I send a quick e-mail suggesting a different use of one of the ten-minute time slots. One of the other organizers requests another conference call tomorrow instead of e-mails. I tell them I can only do after 4PM, if I leave work early. Eh. We’ll see how that works out.

After the call, I get through a bunch of small tasks in maybe 20 minutes: hotel booked, Twitter posts prepped, review request accepted (not due until May 20, so plenty of time on that), conference deadline e-mail chain started. I spend the rest of the time before noon getting sucked into an article someone sent me about the myths surrounding undergraduate grade inflation and then reading up on the peer mentoring materials for our call tomorrow. A couple other minor e-mails pop up (scheduling the precise date of a conference mixer in January, that kind of thing) and I manage to deal with them right away.

Lunch! Clearly working from home means I should take the opportunity to indulge in some fine cuisine, some leisurely cooking that highlights—

I heat up a microwave meal (chicken couscous) and watch YouTube videos for an hour.

Back in it! I write up some abstract submission ideas and make a valiant attempt at setting up a time to talk about them, but it looks like that might have to wait until next week. We’re still a ways before the deadline, so that’s okay.

Mmmmmmm someone on Twitter mentions a conference in Germany in September and a workshop in Colorado in July that both look like a good fit for my research. I’m in a situation where I have a big chunk of travel funding that’s going to disappear unless it gets spent in the next year. Oh no. But also oh yes.

Just in case, I put together a couple point-form ideas for stuff to propose that I can bring to the people holding the purse strings.

The rest of the afternoon is spent putting together weekly goals for four of my research projects: each one involves a collaboration with a different person, so I’d like to be able to send each of them an e-mail with at least one new thing to share about that project this week. Just in case that doesn’t happen, though, I rank them from most to least important. Worst-case scenario, I don’t have to send any of them this week, but it’ll make next week tougher if I don’t.

It’s only about 3:30 at this point, but honestly, I’m feeling a bit exhausted and overwhelmed (some of the e-mail chains have gone through five or six replies at this point and keeping it all straight is giving me a headache), so I opt to get some groceries and call it a day.

I may have added some stuff, but I got a lot crossed off today! Here’s how that last checklist looks at the end of the day:

Assorted Priorities:

Revise my paper and submit the revisions before the Monday deadline

Project #1: come up with a new exploratory figure and send to Person A.

Project #2: summarize the early results I started last week and send to Person B, along with an ask to see whether he’d be up for me presenting this stuff in Europe in November.

Project #3: improve on figures I showed last month and send to Person C.

Project #4: prepare a rough outline of the next paper to send to Person D.

Not having my work hard drive means I was able to just focus on the stuff that wasn’t specific to research today. In all the chaos of today, I’ve set myself up well for a research-heavy rest of the week where I (hopefully) won’t have to worry about non-research stuff or big changes to the schedule and can just burrow into research, emerging for occasional seminar/webinar breaks. A good Monday, all around.

TSOTBL - Celebration

The gang had finished their work cleaning the lodge in under two weeks. An impressive feet.

“Wow, we finished cleaning the lodge with about seven days to spare!” Kim stated in cheer. “A good job to everyone, it's been very difficult these past weeks with no internet, no data, and a limited food supply, but we made it.” Aaron congratulated the others. “Hell yeah we did.” Lucinda added. “I know me and Zane weren't part of the original crew, but how about we have a tiny celebration party?! I think we've all earned it!” Aphmau recommended, trying to hype up everyone else. “It wouldn't be much but hey a party is a party.” “I'd totally be down for that!” Lucinda agreed in excitement. “Heck yeah!” Kim shouted in delight. “Sounds like a good idea.” Garroth replied. “”Sounds like a good idea” C'mon Garroth you gotta be givin’ me more hype than that! You're the ultimate party man don't fizzle out on me now!” Aphmau begged, in a light hearted manner. “Haha sorry! I guess I'm just a bit tired from the everything...” “Well, normally I would decline, buuuut this whole lodge has been a pain to deal with so sure, why not?” Aaron accepted, and nodded in agreement. “Yay!” Aphmau cheered. “I'm gonna get started on seeing what we can make!” She said as she rushed down the stairs. “Be careful Aph! You don't want to fall down the stairs!” Zane shouted, running after her. “I better go make sure neither of them fall down the stairs…” Aaron half-joked, following the two. “Now I have to make sure Aaron doesn't fall down the stairs. All of them together are like a pack of dominos.” Lucinda joked, following Aaron. “Well I guess I'll be on stand by in case anyone gets hurt, what're you gonna do Garroth?” Kim asked, looking to Garroth. “I dunno, I'm kinda tired today…” Garroth mumbled, looking to the floor. “Maybe you can rest for a bit in the lobby, y'know so we all can be together! Besides you being up in your room all day probably isn't good for you. I would know, I'm a doctor.” Dr.Kim insisted. “Why? We've been stuck here together for nearly two weeks, so what if I want some alone time?!” Garroth snapped at Kim. “O-Oh, s-sorry I didn't mean to make you upset…” Kim stuttered, caught off guard by Garroth's reaction. “N-No you didn't…you didn't offend me I'm just... getting kinda cranky I guess, I'm sorry for snapping at you like that.” Garroth said sheepishly, running his hand through his hair. “Ah it's fine, this lodge has been...an experience, to say the least.” Kim assured Garroth. ”Yeaaaah...” Garroth sighed in agreement. “I'll be down with you guys in a sec, okay?” “Okay!” Kim said, as she spoke a loud thump was heard followed by a crowd of screams. “Aaand there they go…” Kim muttered, as she ran out of the room. “Lucinda not you too!” She could be heard shouting.

Time had passed and Aphmau and Aaron we're almost done with the party snacks. Meanwhile Kim, Garroth, Lucinda, and Zane hung out in the waiting room, talking about the most important questions in life.

“So that's why we have anime now.” Kim stated, adjusting her glasses. “Interesting.” Lucinda mumbled in surprise. “Yeah it's a pretty weird history, goes to show the butterfly effect theory in motion though.” Kim replied. “Why exactly do you know this crap anyways?” Zane asked. “I watch a lot of anime and got curious.” Kim explained. “I suppose that explains the gudetama phone charm you have.” Lucinda stated. “Oh actually no, I've been playing with tamagotchis for a long time and the gudetama one is recent! So far I really like him.” Kim elaborated. “Cool! I had a tamagotchi once, it died after four days and I never played it again.” Lucinda laughed. “Oh boy you must've been sad.” “Yeah kinda…” Lucinda smiled, she looked to Garroth, who was laying on one of the couches, reading his book. “Hey Garroth did you ever have a tamagotchi?” Lucinda asked him. “Mhm.” Garroth uttered, not paying attention to the question. “Hey I'm talking to you!” “Mhm.” “Hmm….hey Garroth, have you ever killed somebody?” “Mhm.” “YOU KILLED SOMEONE?!” Lucinda shouted, in fake surprise. “Wait-what?!” Garroth responded shocked, Lucinda having finally gotten his attention. “Ha! That's what you get for reading that book all day when you could be talking with us!” Lucinda giggled. “Oh sorry!” Garroth apologized, embarrassed. “Geez Garroth I know I always have my nose in the books, but you've been reading that book almost nonstop, take a break!” Kim commented. “But I want to read, this book is very um, very interesting...” Garroth insisted nervously. “Heh, “Read”, just because there's a bunch of pictures in a book doesn't count as reading Garroth.” Zane rolled his eyes. “Right. I forget that. Perhaps I should coin a new term for people who read only pictures because words don’t exist in every day life.” Garroth muttered, keeping his attention to his book. “Um...anyway! C'mon Garroth just put the book away so we can all chat some more!” Kim insisted, tugging on the book slightly. “No! I mean-no, I'll put it down in a second.” Garroth explained, pulling the book away. “Where did you get that book anyway? It looks...kinda strange.” Lucinda asked, curious at the books strange design. “I found it when me and Kim were cleaning the library.” Garroth stated blatantly. “What kind of book is it?” Lucinda asked. “Um it's just...it’s an old one.” Garroth mumbled, somewhat nervous. “Garroth you know what I meant.” Lucinda questioned. “I'm not really familiar with genre terms for literature.” Garroth explained. “Hm. I see.” Lucinda eyed the book suspiciously. It looked strange, and something about it didn't sit well with Lucinda, but she couldn't figure out why. “Come to think of it, that's the same book I saw you with a while ago.” Lucinda thought to herself. “So anyways I'm just gonna put this away now so you guys stop bothering me!” Garroth announced, closing the book and getting up from the couch. “I'll be right back.” “Yay! Now we can all really get to talking with each other.” Kim cheered. “Yeah,” Lucinda nodded, as Garroth went up the stairs. “Sure.” “Guys the party snacks are ready!” Aphmau cheerfully announced. “It's about time!” Zane commented. “Garroth better hurry up for this or else he's gonna miss all the good stuff.” Kim remarked.

The gang has circled together in the kitchen, where the chatted and laughed for hours, discussing important matters of course.

“So that's what would happen if you shot a potato into lava.” Aaron explained. “Wow, amazing!” Aphmau commented in awe. “Okay but why exactly do you know that?” Zane asked, somewhat confused. “None of your business.” Aaron replied. “What-” “Man, I can't believe in just seven more days we'll get to leave this place.” Kim reminded. “Yup, and we'll all finally be back in the comfort of our homes…” Lucinda added. “I, for one, won't miss this place.” Zane remarked. “Me neither, this place looks nice but geez the whole experience has been awful. I rate it one star.” Lucinda agreed. “I don't think I'll miss this place, though something about it makes me wanna stay.” Garroth muttered. “Why's that?” Kim asked. “I dunno.” Garroth shrugged. “It's just how I feel I guess.” “It's going to be weird seeing my dad again.” Zane commented. “I usually only ever see him during Christmas.” “How come? I always visit my mom.” Aphmau asked. “He's always busy. Besides I don't care too much for traveling, if you hadn't noticed.” Zane explained. “I can relate to that.” Aaron said. “What's Garte like anyway?” Lucinda asked, curious. “I forget your the only one here who hasn't met him, even Kim met him.” Aphmau remarked. “To be fair Kim only met him because she was with us when we accepted this lodge job.” Garroth reminded. “Ah, right.” Aphmau nodded. “Garte is alright. The times I've met him he doesn't seem half bad, though he's usually very busy even in his free time.” Aaron elaborated. “Yeah my dad is great! I don't know how he made time for me and my brothers.” Garroth added. “Tt. Yeah.” Zane uttered, sinking into his chair. “I hate to be the one to say it, but it's getting late. We should all be getting to bed.” Kim suggested. “Ah yeah probably, not that I've been able to get any sleep these past few nights.” Lucinda mumbled. “Maybe today will be the day you get some rest then!” Aphmau added. “I hope so...” Lucinda grumbled. “Alright then. Goodnight guys!” Garroth announced, slightly rushing out of the kitchen and to his room. “Goodnight everybody.” Aaron stated, walking out of the kitchen. “C'mon guys, let's get going.” Lucinda said, as she, Aphmau, Kim, and Zane walked out of the kitchen and into their rooms.

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“The time is drawing near.” A figure we can all recognize, muttered to himself.