grah my head feels like it might explode

𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬. | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧𝐞 | 𝐜.𝐡.

⤷ corpse x oc!fem (she/her pronouns)

⤷ length: multi-chapter

⤷ word count: 3k

⤷ genre: enemies to friends to lovers

⤷ tw for this chapter: none

⤷ a/n: i posted this on my other account first but i wanted to have all my writing in one place so here we are lmao enjoy!

When Corpse gets recognised during his, what should have been, peaceful vacation in another country, an ex-fan saves him from being recognised and posted online. After a rocky start, and a lot of arguments, the pair crosses paths again and again until it becomes undeniable that they should be in each other's lives.

𝐦𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞'𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐯

“CORPSE?!” Oh, you must be fucking kidding me. Michelle swivelled around immediately, nearly tripping over her own feet as she did. Michelle’s eyes honed in on a taller man with curly hair and a face mask covering half of his face and someone she recognised from when she was still on that part of Twitter. “THE CORPSE HUSBAND? OH MY GOD, IT’S SO NICE TO MEET YOU!” Michelle winced a little and looked down as if on instinct, knowing what kind of jewellery the real Corpse sometimes wore from the photos that he posted online. The rings were not the same but the ‘bad bitch’ bracelet was half-covered by the sleeve of his jacket. Shit. What were the fucking odds of him being there and getting caught? The man’s, Corpse apparently, eyes were comically wide, staring down at the girl who was still grinning up at him, pointing her manicured finger at his chest as if her loud screaming hadn’t been violating enough. Michelle couldn’t really make out what had happened until a coffee cup came rolling her way, still spewing out coffee, the otherwise pristine floor stained with watered down coffee and vanilla ice cream. The cup was forgotten quickly enough as Michelle’s eyes rose back to the pair; one triumphant, the other scared to death. They must have bumped into each other, there was no other possible explanation for the insanity that was happening right now. Maybe Corpse apologised, briefly having forgotten that his voice was some sort of light beacon for people to instantly recognise him. Michelle felt for him. She couldn’t imagine how terrifying this must be, she just had no clue how to help. Causing a bigger commotion by yelling at the girl for being such an airhead and yelling out his name wasn’t really the way to go, especially not with how easily this could be put online. That was the biggest worry right now, that Corpse’s actual appearance could be made public.

In a way, Michelle still couldn’t believe that Corpse was standing right behind her. While she wasn’t a big fan, not anymore at least, she did feel something. It wasn’t the need to take stupid selfies with celebrities like a lot of people did, but maybe that was her own insecurities playing up, or the need to tell him how much he changed her life, even though he had for a little while.

It was more a sense of wonder that he was here, in The Netherlands, a few steps away from her.

They were standing in a small café in Amsterdam, a place Michelle would have never guessed that Corpse would be at the same time that she was there. Sometimes life really worked in odd ways and Michelle wondered what the significance of this moment was, if there was a lesson to be learned. Maybe, do not cross people’s boundaries, famous people are people too? Nah, that couldn’t be it.

She figured that more people were starting to think like her, that this was a once in a lifetime thing, because more heads were starting to turn towards Corpse and the Twitter girl. Michelle couldn’t recall her name, only a faint memory of what her username had been lingered in her brain, though they had all looked similar, even hers.

Though the café was a small one without any room for seating arrangements, the people that were watching the girl babble to Corpse about how much she loved him carried recognition in their eyes which led Michelle to do the most impulsive thing she had ever done in her entire life.

She moved forward, quickly grabbed his arm, and dragged him out of the café.

It could only have been seconds between the girl crying out Corpse’s name and Michelle dragging him out but it felt like forever.

“Wait!” he said and god, it really was him.

What a fucking idiot.

Michelle turned on him quickly, staring at him with a displeased expression on her face. “Do you not think that after what just happened it’s in your best interest to shut up? I’m taking you somewhere safe, unless you want to be thrusted back into the hell-hole that is the café right now.”

Michelle pointed back at the people knocking on the windows, pointing their way with their mouths open. She could hear the screaming from halfway across the street.

That, thankfully, shut Corpse up and she could finally drag him off to the one location close by that she figured would be safe enough to keep him until the excitement of ‘Corpse being a real person walking around’ had died down again.

The sun was hot on her skin as she manoeuvred Corpse through tiny streets and alleyways that would hopefully cover their tracks. She hoped that some of the people in the café had been tourists who didn’t know that these streets even existed but she knew better than to take the risk so she kept her pace up instead, forcing Corpse to walk fast as well.

She felt guilty.

In her time as a Corpse-fan, she had, of course, learned about his physical conditions but she needed to get him out of here so she could only hope that he wasn’t in too much pain.

Michelle may have not liked him anymore, but she did still care, deeply as she did for everybody in her life, no matter how insignificant the role they played was.

“In here,” Michelle said, pushing Corpse into a tall building that stood hidden partly from view by big trees covering the bottom layer. The building was big enough to hold a few thousand people so they should be safe there. Michelle confidently walked up to the front desk, showing her student ID that was no longer in use given that she graduated a few months before but that is the thing about expiration dates; if there was none on the card, she could pretend to be a student forever.

“Hi, I’m interviewing my friend for my project on doctor-patient interactions in the English language,” she bullshitted, twirling a finger around a lock of hair innocently. “He is not a student here but I am and I figured that such a sensitive topic should be discussed in one of the silent cubicles we have here?”

They let her through after asking questions about the project she didn’t even have. Michelle could sense that it wasn’t to test her, just the sweet curiosity of someone who genuinely liked working with students and helping them. At any other time, she would have loved this interaction but now it only made her anxious, especially because Corpse was tapping his heavy boot right behind her.

Michelle glared at him for it when they stepped into the elevator.

They still hadn’t exchanged a word until they were in the cubicle, mostly made of glass with some stronger walls to keep the room soundproof. It wasn’t entirely silent. If someone were to talk loud enough, others could hear it too, but for the most part, everything was muffled. It wasn’t perfect but it was all that she could offer him right now.

“It’s sorta soundproof,” she said, motioning around a little. “There’s glass, of course, because otherwise people can and will have sex in here but it’s the best I can do for you.”

Michelle tried to not look at Corpse too much and instead set her tote bag on the ugly gray table in front of her. There was a book in there that she was planning on reading in the park with a cold beverage, aka the coffee that she had to leave behind, and Michelle felt a sudden urge to just run away and leave Corpse to it. But she couldn’t do that, her conscience would berate her for it if she did.

“Are you a fan?” Corpse asked, finally looking up at her. His eyes were dark and calculating almost. It wasn’t what Michelle expected but to be fair, she never thought much about what he would look like. That wasn’t the part of him that she was interested in when she got more into his content. It was his personality that mattered to her so the man in front of her could have been anyone to her. Corpse, on the other hand, tried to hide himself as much as possible by hunching forward as if Michelle would now take a photo of him to spread it around. She had left a perfectly good iced coffee behind to save him, why would she take a photo now?

Michelle laughed, a hoarse thing as she planted her palms on top of the table. She felt the cooling effect of it run up her arms immediately and it took everything for her not to sigh in relief.

“Not anymore.”

That got Corpse’s attention.

“What do you mean ‘not anymore’?”

Michelle shrugged and traded pacing in front of him restlessly for sitting down in the chair opposite of him instead. There was only a table dividing them and Michelle was gripped by reality once again. Other people would kill for this and I want to run far away.

“I mean that I was a fan of you once and then I stopped being a fan.”

Corpse wore a complicated expression, turning his ring around his finger rhythmically. Michelle wondered if that was a nervous habit that she would see more often during this not so pleasant conversation.

“When did you stop?” Corpse asked after taking some time to search for words. Michelle wasn’t the patient type but she did understand how weird this must be for him so she gave him some time to think.

Michelle didn’t quite remember when she stopped being a fan. She only knew why she stopped, why she had pulled away from the fandom almost as quickly as she got into it.

“End of February maybe?” she asked rather than told him. “Does it matter?”

“I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong.”

It was a bunch of things that kept adding up to the pile of little annoyances that one day broke the dam. Michelle wondered if she could tell it all to Corpse, if she could do it to him to tell him right in his face what happened, why she moved away from it all.

Corpse was looking at her almost pleadingly. He really didn’t know. It made her feel for him a little bit more than she had in the past months. Michelle had no clue how hard it must have been to suddenly have the spotlight on you. To suddenly have people following your every move on social media, expecting more than any person could give. To suddenly have to know how to deal with it all. Michelle understood, but it didn’t make things right, not entirely.

“I can tell you,” she said after a few moments of silence. Michelle looked away from Corpse and outside of the glass window, watching as people perused the bookshelves, feeling an intense need to do the same instead of sitting here and talking to the Corpse Husband about why she thought he was an asshole and why she didn’t even follow him on any social media anymore when she had religiously watched all of his streams, liked all of his tweets, watched every Instagram story before.

“Please,” Corpse said and her attention was back on him.

Michelle sat back in her chair and fished a water bottle out of her bag. It had bees all over the bottle, happily flying around while Michelle was praying that she could gain their wings to remove herself from this entire conversation. She took a sip to try and ease the sudden dryness of her throat but it didn’t work as well as she had hoped.

“I think…” Michelle started before shaking her head slightly. God, how was she going to start this? “I watched the stream in which you were introduced by Jack and I immediately got intrigued so to say. Not really because of your voice, though I did realise it’s a unique one. It was more your personality and…” Michelle didn’t exactly want to give him a huge ego so she stopped herself. “Whatever. I became a part of ‘Corpse Twitter’,” she physically made the quotation signs with her hands. It was a stupid name after all. Why didn’t they ever come up with a nickname? “And it kinda went down after that, I guess…”

“Why?” Corpse asked, his voice even more gravelly than before. Michelle wondered if he hadn’t drunk in some time, which would be logical given that he couldn’t order his coffee at the café or that he was actually sad about the fact that she left the fandom behind.

“The people there were like 50% of it,” Michelle admitted with a shrug. “The other 50% was you and your behaviour.”

Corpse merely raised an eyebrow, silently telling her to go on. Michelle’s heart was pounding in her throat, feeling like she was going to pass out any second. Why the fuck had she ever started this conversation? She should have just lied, told him that she didn’t know him but that she put two and two together and helped him to be kind.

“You play favourites, for one,” she said finally after struggling for a bit to actually get the words out of her throat.

“I do not play favourites.”

Corpse’s voice was hard and biting.

Michelle stood immediately, not breaking eye contact with Corpse as she did. He should see the anger in her eyes, he should realise how shittily he was behaving.

Her hands were shaking with anger. Of course, he would deny it. Why wouldn’t he deny it? Why had she thought that he would actually listen to what she had to say about the whole situation?

“I’m going to go out, look for some books to bring with me. I’ll come to pick you up in ten since you can’t leave without me easily, you need a student card. Don’t leave and you’ll be fine.”

Her voice had been neutral, calm almost but her face was hot with anger, her hands shaking even harder as she grabbed her tote bag, her heels coming down hard onto the floor as she stepped away from him.

Michelle could hear Corpse’s voice behind her as she asked her to stay but she had shut the door to the cubicle and it was silent again. She couldn’t even look back at him so she wandered off, looking through books she wasn’t really seeing as she waited for the ten minutes to be over.

“Let’s go,” she said, her voice soft and timid as she opened the door again, waiting for Corpse to stand. They didn’t say anything for the time that it took to go from the fourth floor to the main entrance again but once they were outside, Michelle turned to him again.

“You probably already know this, given that I hid you and everything but I won’t tell the internet what you look like nor have I taken photos or will I share your location.”

Corpse nodded and it looked like he was about to say something but something bitter had already formed in Michelle’s throat and she couldn’t help but step away and interrupt him.

“It was nice meeting you,” Michelle said, though her voice sounded anything but pleasant. The sound was made of cut glass and she hoped it would sting, just a little bit. “Enjoy the rest of your stay.”

Michelle walked away then, hopping onto the first tram that stopped near her without even looking at what number it carried and where she was going to.

Tears were prickling in her eyes. Once upon a time she had turned to Corpse when she was feeling anxious, watching his stream to soothe her mind. It had worked for a long time until it had all broken down for her and she lost what she once thought was her comfort space and her comfort streamer.

It had been a while since she watched a stream and yet Michelle felt nauseous as she somehow made it back home. This wasn’t the meeting she had dreamt of when she was at her lowest. Michelle had hoped he would have at least listened instead of immediately defending himself without giving her the chance of showing examples.

Despite herself, when Michelle came home, she turned on one of his streams as she sat curled up in bed, trying to return to a time when everything was simpler and she was still fully convinced that he could never do something wrong. However, the past weighed down too hard on her and she had to close off her laptop again halfway through because she couldn’t see the game they were playing anymore through her tears.

Michelle contemplated what would be the right move. Try to contact him on Twitter to tell her story, go back to Amsterdam now in the hopes to find him? No, she couldn’t. He fucked up, he should be the one putting in the effort but he never would, she already knew that he never would.

Instead of taking any form of action and despite the fact that it was only late in the afternoon, Michelle closed her eyes after burying herself into comfortable blankets, and slept her sorrows away.

Cross the Line- Bakugo X Reader 18+

WC: 3.5K

Warnings: Angst, Anger, Unprotected Sex, Swearing

 “I am pregnant, Kaa-Chan.” You whispered as his hand was wrapped around your throat intent on killing you. He lowered his hands and walked away. You were the enemy, the one he had to kill.

~~~Eighteen Months ago~~~

“Y/N. You understand the mission, correct?” Shigaraki asked.

“You know I am not a fucking idiot? Who do you mistake me for? Chisaki or Dabi?” You retorted back.

“Y/N.” Shigaraki gave you a threatened tone.

“Get close enough to the loudmouth hero to kill him." The sarcasm dripped from your tone.

 "Good girl." He replied and left you alone.

For a few months, you followed Bakugo learned his schedule. You learned where he lived, how often he trained, his shopping habits, but most importantly, you learned that he didn’t have a significant other.

It was easy to become his neighbor, and for you to keep ‘bumping’ into him, but the hardest part would be getting to be part of his agency.

~~~Fifteen Months Ago~~~

“Hi! I am Quiver!” You were standing in front of Lord Explosion Murder in his agency. His crimson eyes narrowed looking at you in your hero suit. It was black and skin-tight with red accents.

“Do you want a fucking cookie?” He asked with disgust in his voice.

“Oh?” You feigned innocence. “Well, I am your new sidekick, but it looks like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I will just leave you alone.” You told him and you walked out of his office. You had heard he was difficult to deal with, but this wasn’t what you were expecting. You decided that if he was going to act like a complete and utter jackass you weren’t going to take it.

“Oi!” He came charging out of his office at you. “What the hell dumbass?” He yelled at you.

“Hm, well if you’re going to take that tone with me, I will come back tomorrow when you’re less stressed.” You told him as you walked out the door. You went home for the rest of the day.

The next day morning you had arrived and entered Lord Explosion Murder’s office again.

“Good Morning! I am Quiver!” You greeted him chirpily.

“Who the hell do you think you are leaving like that yesterday?” He yelled at you again. You turned around and left again. This continued for the rest of the week. He didn’t learn very quickly, but being cute probably helped him, you thought to yourself. By Friday, he had left you a seething voicemail saying how lazy, rude, and entitled he thought you were and that you were fired. You replied with a very short text stating, “K.” You knew it would probably anger him more. You weren’t there to make friends, you were there to kill him. 

When you arrived at work the following Monday, the receptionist's eyes grew wide. She very clearly heard the voicemail and very deliberately chose to ignore it.

“Good Morning, Sir.” You said as sweetly as possible. Lord Explosion just stared at you as if you were a ghost.

“I thought I fired you.” He said as calmly as he could. 

“Oh, you did? I didn’t really listen to the voicemail. I never do, but it seems as if you learned your lesson from last week.” You said with a hint of condescension.

“I don’t have time for you Dumbass. Just leave.” He told you with a huff of annoyance.

“Oh, Dumbass is a pet name?” You asked him. “I know that a sidekick isn’t what you want, but in order to be more appealing to not just the commission, but the general public as well.” You told him. Yes, you were all too well aware of his “image”, but with you working for the enemy, you truly didn’t care.

“Fuck, you’re right” he mumbled under his breath. He looked at you over steepled fingers. He stood quickly, to close the door to his office.

“Alright, Quiver, let’s begin.” He began as he sat back down in his office chair. The rest of the day, he went over rules for the office, his expectations for you, and how often he expected you to train. The rest of the week was tough but doable. The weekend didn’t come fast enough for you. As your patrol finished you got your weekly text from Shigaraki. You rolled your eyes and ignored him. The best thing about this job did not only do you have to stay away from the small hideout, but you could sleep in on the weekends, and you didn’t have to hear Kai or Dabi bicker.

Lord Explosion Murder noticed your smile. He saw how happy you looked after receiving your text.

“What’s got you smiling so big, Dumbass?” He asked you paying a little too much attention.

“Oh, nothing really. I get to sleep in tomorrow. As much as I enjoy working, I do enjoy a day off too.” You replied.

“You sure seemed happy after that text though.” He said with a hint of jealousy that did not go unnoticed by you.

“Oh, that was my annoying ass friend. He is going on about working hard and blah, blah, blah. I swear to goodness, his crusty ass is getting ignored all weekend.” You vented.

“Oh. Well. Okay, do you need me to walk your dumbass home?” He retorted not really sure of what to say.

“No, I am good!” You waved goodbye and ran at full speed to get home. You ran to your apartment in the building, showered quickly, changed, and fell asleep. 

The next morning you awoke to a yell, the voice sounded familiar, but you couldn’t place your finger on it. You walked outside to yell at whoever was causing the ruckus.

“I told you, nerd, that is not in bounds.” The male yelled. Looking down from your balcony, you saw Lord Murder Explosion. You did pick this apartment building because he lived here, but didn’t realize that he was his hero identity 100% of the time. 

“Hey, asshole? Could you shut your mouth? It’s too early for you to be yelling!” You shouted over your balcony to the group below.

“It’s the afternoon, dumbass!” He shouted back to you.

“Kaa-Chan, be nice. She’s your neighbor.” A green-haired man said.

“ You wanna fight? I could take you right now.” You shouted.

“Oi! Get down here and say that to my face!” He said the anger rising within himself. Without thinking, you jumped down ready to fight him. When he gave you his wide smile, your heart stopped for a moment.

“So you want to fight?” He asked with the most curious look on his face.

“Bakugo, don’t do this.” The green-haired man begged him. “The press will be all over this.” You knew with him there was always someone watching.

“Bakugo, don’t.” His friend with red and white hair said holding him back. It was no use though, he was in your face and chest to chest. You felt his warmth. The onlookers continued to gather, many with phones out ready to watch the fight. You knew that there was only one option in this case. 

You grabbed his shirt, and quickly closed the gap between the two of you. His lips against yours, and while his body was tense, he was not fighting it. You pulled back a moment, and looked up at him.

“Well isn’t this something Lord Explosion Murder?” You whispered before turning away and going back to your apartment/

~~~12 Months Ago~~~

The following Monday morning was awkward for Bakugo, but you didn't pay any attention to it, you really didn’t want to bring any attention to you at all. However, that isn’t what happened. You did bring attention to yourself and of course Shigaraki was very upset. The news died down pretty quickly, though, probably due to his one friend being Endeavor’s son.  The next three months though passed quickly and you never thought of the kiss again. 

The nights you patrolled with Bakugo he didn’t mention the kiss, he didn't’ mention anything about you knowing his hero identity, but he did try to get to know better. You were on the last patrol of the night, just before you said goodbye for the weekend, Bakugo spoke to you.

“So, uh. Quiver. Y/N. I don’t know what you want me to call you, but if you’re not busy, I’d like to take you out on a proper date or something.” A light pink dusting on his cheeks as he asked you.

“Is this because we kissed forever ago?” You questioned.

“No, Dumbass. Out of all the people, I hate you the least.” He retorted.

“Oh, how very manly of you.” You laughed at him.

“No. Forget it. It was very stupid for me to ask you.” He said walking away looking dejected.

“Tomorrow. 8PM. Don’t be late.” You told him as you skipped home. Getting this hero to die would be easy, so you thought.

The next day, you woke to a very angry phone call from Shigaraki. He demanded answers for why it was taking so long. If anyone else had done it it would’ve been done by now, and other bullshit you didn’t have time for. You knew that everyone would notice it was you right away. So while you ignored your phone call, you focused on your date this evening. The day flew while you were taking care of errands and miscellaneous tasks that you’ve been putting off for too long. 

Before you knew it, there was a knock at the door, you went to open the door, and saw Bakugo standing there with flowers.

“These are for you.” He thrust the flowers toward you while looking away.

“Thank you, these are beautiful. While I put them in water, why don’t you make yourself at home? I still need to put on my makeup.” You told him.

“Really? I don’t think that is necessary. I mean, you look beautiful the way you are.” His face was getting redder and redder. 

“Thank you, you’re very kind. I will be but a moment.” You told him as walked into the room. A few minutes you were ready.

“Okay, I am ready. What are the plans for tonight?” You asked him curiously.

“Well the stupid nerd convinced all of us that went to UA together to hang out. They want to have a few drinks and karaoke.” He admitted annoyance laced in his voice, but the look on his face told you otherwise. The night was fueled with alcohol, laughter, and memories. You knew that you had to keep it professional, and your job was to eliminate him, at least that is what you kept telling yourself.

The following months went by fast, when you weren’t working, or training, you were hanging out with Bakugo and his hero friends, or just the two of you. Everything was blissful.

~~~9 Months Ago~~~

Angry with the lack of contact and results from you. Shigaraki had enough and was going to take things into his own hands even if you were a casualty. 

“Dabi, I need you to go and see what is taking Y/N so fucking long.” He demanded. “Don’t kill her yet, we will kill her when we kill that loudmouth as well.” 

Dabi just shook his head and walked out the door. Whatever you were doing wasn’t his problem. To him, getting rid of you wouldn’t matter to his plan. So he did as he was told. He followed you and learned your schedule over the next few weeks. 

“She’s so fucking predictable.” Dabi said to himself as he snapped a picture of you and Bakugo kissing. When Dabi returned, he informed Shigaraki of what he found, and together, they plotted your downfall.

~~~6 Months Ago~~~

Bakugo had awoken to a phone call in the middle of the night. He felt you stir in your sleep next to him. He rushed getting his things together and left slamming the door behind him. You turned over in the bed and looked at the alarm clock. The bright red number read 2:43 AM.  You texted Bakugo quickly. He responded with Hero Shit. I’ll be safe and see you soon.

You couldn’t sleep. You got up and paced around his apartment. There was something gnawing at the back of your mind. If it was an urgent matter, you’d be called as well. If it was something more serious, they’d only call in the Professional Heroes. Which led you to believe that this was the case. 

Two hours later, a very tired Bakugo entered the apartment. You ran into his arms, and held on to him for longer than you should have. 

“Were you worried about me dumbass?” He asked you playfully, but the worry was thick in his voice. There was no mistaking it.

“No. Never, but if I didn’t get called in with you, it must be serious.” You told him. You knew you were lying. You were worried, and that scared you more that whatever he was just told. It meant that you had already failed in your mission. That you actually cared.

“Y/N. I need you to know this. I love you, and I will never let anything happen to you. The League threatened us. Specifically, you and me.” Bakugo told you honestly, and openly. “They didn’t give a specific timeline, it was just a general threat, but I thought you should know. Keep your guard up.” 

Your heart leaped at his words. You knew you failed. You knew you weren’t supposed to fall, but you did.

“I love you too, Katsuki. I will stick so close to you, you’ll wanna hurl me off the balcony.” You replied. He kissed you deeply with every emotion he felt. He pulled you into the bedroom to further explain how he felt.

~~~3 Months Ago~~~

The two of you were public, there was no denying it. The Commission felt the transparency was necessary to let the League know that a threat wouldn’t stop anyone from living their life.  The public cheered for you. The threat was always in the back of your mind. You weren’t sure what scared you more, Shigaraki ceasing all contact with you or the calm that had come over the city.

During your late-night patrol, you and Bakugo happened upon a crying child. Bakugo quickly picked up the child. Cradling her in his arms, and trying to soothe her. It was right then you realized, you wanted a family. Life of a villain wasn’t conducive to having a family. Bakugo found the child’s parents within a matter of minutes, and if you weren’t sure before, you sure were in love with him.

You dragged him into a dark alley where no prying eyes could see the things you were about to do. You took him and pushed him against the wall, and kissed him hard. He happily grabbed you by the waist and pulled you closer, pressing his hardening length against you.

“What are you doing?” He hissed into your neck where he left a trail of kisses, causing you to shiver.

“I saw you with that child, and I thought why not try right now?” You shot back. You unzipped his pants to free his hard dick. Your eyes grew at his size every time you saw it. You undid your pants and pulled them down, exposing your dirty little secret, that you weren’t wearing any panties.

“Y/N.” He groaned into your ear as he pressed eager fingers into you. “Shit. You’re so wet for me already.” You took him in your hand and started stroking him slowly. 

“You know if we weren’t in the middle of a patrol, I’d definitely take my time.” He told you in between breaths.

“I want you Ka-” He kissed you hard, entwining his tongue with yours. He was so needy for you. He grabbed you by the hips and lifted you on top of him, making sure you and he were lined up. He slowly entered you. The way his hips moved slowly at first to let you adjust and then quickly increased his speed made you moan loudly.

“Keep quiet, dumbass. I don’t want to get caught fucking you on camera. Although that would be pretty hot.” He smiled at you. You were already so close for no good reason. You felt yourself release on him.

“Well, shit. You were already hot for me huh?” He asked you cockily and he increased his speed. You couldn’t deny it felt amazing. 

“Tell me where you want me to come, because if you want a child I will give you one.” He teased you. All you could do was nod at him.

“Oh, did I fuck you stupid?” He asked you smugly.  He didn’t wait for an answer, he released deep into you, painting your walls white with his seed. He kissed you once more before dressing and acting like he didn’t just fuck you in a dark alley. You got your bearing and did the same.

~~~Present Day that Morning~~~

You had been feeling off all day. It wasn’t like you to feel sick, but here you were feeling nauseous. You ran to the toilet and slammed the door behind you. You let all of your breakfast out.

“Dumbass! Let’s get going, we’ll be late for the meeting.” Bakugo yelled at you. You immediately felt better, quickly rinsed your mouth with mouthwash and walked out the door.

The Commission had summoned all heroes and their sidekicks for a meeting due to the increase in League activity. You often wondered what Shigaraki was thinking, but since he was number two, whatever it was that number one wanted he got.  The meeting was boring and lasted a while, and there wasn’t any new information. You were dismissed and were told to continue on your patrol routes as normal. 

You felt that same feeling coming over from this morning. You quickly left and ran to the bathroom. You sent a quick message to Bakugo telling him you weren’t feeling well, but you’d see him on patrol. You went to the corner store where you picked up some medicine. You came across the pregnancy tests. You hesitated for a moment, decided against it and kept going. The gnawing feeling at the back of your mind started up again. It didn’t let up until you had a test in your hand.

You headed back home, took some medicine and ripped the test open. You knew you couldn’t be pregnant. There was only one time you and Bakugo haven't used protection, and you had your period since then...right? You didn’t think twice about it, peed on the stick and waited for the results. 

It was on your patrol route that evening, when you were confronted by the League.

“Hello, Y/N.” You heard a deep voice.

“Dabi?” You replied, he was ready with his quirk with intent to kill.

“I don’t think so.” Bakugo came charging at him with rage in his eyes. 

“Do you think that some pathetic grenades will stop me from killing her? She betrayed us for you.” Dabi confessed. The look on Bakugo’s face changed from rage to utter betrayal. He shook off the words. He didn’t actually believe you’d do that.

“She loves me, you dumb piece of shit. She’s one of us.” He barked at Dabi, firing shots at him. 

From the shadows emerged Shigaraki, he silently walked up behind you and clicked his tongue.

“Such a shame, that boy is a fool.” He left you alone for a moment and went over to Dabi.

“Well, if you are one of us, Y/N, finish the job you were sent to do.” Shigaraki shouted to you. “Kill this hero that stands in our way.”

Before you knew it, you were pinned against the wall. The anger that radiated from Bakugo’s body was undeniable. His hand wrapped around your throat, tight enough to kill. You gasped, clawing at his hands.

“Kaa-Chan, I’m pregnant.” You whispered. He lowered his hands and walked away. You were the enemy, the one he had to kill. He fought back Shigaraki, and Dabi enough until other heroes arrived to help. He walked back to where you were, all of the feelings he felt for you were real. How could you betray him like this? All his hopes of having a family, being a father, being a husband, and a great hero; were crashing down as soon as they were built. The pain in his face was almost audible, it broke your heart. He took a deep breath, got super close to your ear.

“You’re dead to me. I loved you. I gave you everything I had. You’re lucky I didn’t kill you right here and now. Get your shit out of my apartment. I never want to see you again.” The venom dripped from his words. He turned around and didn’t look back.

See the Light

A Miraculous Ladybug fanfiction

By Mintaka14

Chapter Three – Living in a Blur

  “No Rose or Juleka today?” Marinette asked as she stepped down into the galley of the Liberty with that effortless grace that Luka was coming to associate with the woman she’d become. She reached up to tuck back a lock of hair that had escaped from the braid over her shoulder, and Luka moved around the tiny kitchen, pulling out mugs, while the kettle whistled loudly in the background.

“No, they had a few things to organise today for the wedding. They said to say hi, though.” He didn’t mention the other things that Rose had had to say, or the broad, suggestive beams she given him before she dragged Juleka away on whatever mission she’d manufactured.

He handed Marinette the tea that he’d just made and shifted towards the couch in the living room, cradling his own coffee. Marinette sank into the armchair across from him. She blew on the mug and closed her eyes to inhale the steam.

“I still can’t quite believe that Juleka and Rose are getting married. It feels like only yesterday we were all in collège.” Marinette smiled, and sighed.

“They’re incredibly lucky to be getting MDC original wedding dresses. That’s one hell of a wedding present you’re giving them.”

“Juleka and Rose are covering the materials I’m just volunteering my time and a bit of sewing.”

Luka’s eyebrow rose sceptically. “One artist to another, I know it’s not ‘just’ anything, Marinette. Your time and skill is a very generous gift, and don’t forget, I’ve seen what you’re putting together for them. Jules and Rose can’t have been straightforward to design for.”

Marinette laughed. “But they’re giving me the chance to have fun,” she insisted. “I spend all day every day dealing with clients with no individuality or imagination, trying to convince them to trust me, so it’s a relief to get a chance to do something interesting for a change, with friends who are happy to indulge me.”

Luka leaned back, all plans to rehearse forgotten, as he watched Marinette talk about the inspiration behind the wedding dresses and the creative possibilities in dressing certain clients, her face lighting up and her hands gesturing animatedly as she grew more impassioned about her theories of clothing as a reflection of self. He followed the movement of her hands and lost himself in the endless blue of her eyes.

“I really need to ask Juleka if she’d be willing to model for me sometime. She’s always so compelling in whatever she wears, and so much fun to design for,” she said eventually. He found her eyeing him speculatively. “I’d love to have the chance to dress you one day.”

“You could at least buy me dinner first,” he said without thinking.

There was a heartbeat, then Marinette burst out laughing.

“Smooth line, Couffaine. Does that work on all the girls?”

“I wouldn’t know.” He decided to lean into it, and grinned at her. “I’ve only ever tried it on you. Is it working?”

Marinette rolled her eyes. “How are you still single?” she asked.

“You’re a hard act to follow,” he said, and Marinette levelled a look at him.

“Luka, I was a fourteen year old clumsy mess who kept on flaking out on our dates. You can’t tell me I’m the gold standard of your relationships.”

Put like that, it was ridiculous, but it was true nonetheless. He’d had relationships, and they were sincere in the moment, but he’d drifted out of them as easily as he’d drifted into them, and they’d left him with little more than fond memories. None of them had left a mark like Marinette had. Over the years, he’d put it down to rose-coloured nostalgia, but then she’d walked into his life again, more Marinette than ever, and he’d fallen harder and faster than he had before.

He looked down at the mug of coffee in his hands.

“How about you? Anyone special in your life these days?” he asked the coffee with casual disinterest. She gave a soft snort.

“Hardly. It’s not like anything’s changed since we were going out.” She seemed to catch herself, and froze as Luka’s head came up to stare at her. “I just… mean, who’s got time for a relationship, right? Life’s too busy.”

“Not since we were going out?” Luka echoed her, frowning. “Marinette, you were fourteen. You haven’t dated anyone since then?”

She shrugged uncomfortably. “I dated. It just never lasts long. It’s not that big a deal. And besides,” she muttered, “I’ve learned my lesson, the universe doesn’t want me to have a relationship.”

She put her mug abruptly on the table and stood.

“Weren’t we supposed to be practising?”

Luka got to his feet and reached for his guitar. Clearly this was a line of conversation that Marinette did not want to go down with him, and he dropped the subject to run through the song with her a few times, correcting her gently when her voice faltered.

He had to wonder, though, what the hell was wrong with the men in Marinette’s life that had left her love life such a sore subject?

Luka stopped again to make a suggestion about phrasing and breath control.

“All that time, never even knowing just how blind I’ve been,” Marinette tried again, sounding more confident with the slightly awkward vocal skips this time, and Luka gave her a smile.

“See?” he told her. “Fashion designer to the stars, artist, and now singer. You can add that to your résumé.”

He’d finally coaxed a laugh out of her, and then Marinette’s handbag buzzed. Luka watched the smile drop off her face. Her eyes flicked to the door. “I’m really sorry, I have to go. I have… a thing…”

She was gone before he could say anything further. For a moment, Luka sat there with his guitar silent in his lap, frowning thoughtfully. Apparently she was right – not much had changed in the ten years since they’d been kids together. There were still the abrupt excuses, the silences, the sudden disappearances.

Luka plucked out Now she’s here, shining in the starlight, and he considered the empty space where she’d been. He was coming to suspect that whatever had been going on when they were kids, whatever she’d been keeping to herself when she broke it off with him, it was something bigger than he’d imagined.

At that moment, Luka’s own phone chimed with an akuma alert, and the timing of it was jarring. His hand dropped, as it always did, to touch his empty wrist. He looked down at it, his frown growing troubled as a new thought took hold.

He found himself thinking back over the timing of some of those disappearances, and odd excuses, and the times she’d had just a little more knowledge of Ladybug's movements than any random civilian ought to, but it had all sounded so plausible at the time. Seen through this new lens, those moments took on a new significance the more he turned them over in his mind.

Black pigtails, unmistakeable blue eyes. The same damn plain black earrings that Marinette, the consummate fashion designer, was still wearing ten years later.

How had he never put it together before?

Luka was still sitting there, his hands resting on his guitar and his gaze fixed on nothing, when Juleka and Rose came home.

“Where’s Marinette?” Rose asked in obvious disappointment when she took in the quiet room.

“She had to leave,” Luka replied absently.

“Luka! You just let her leave?”

Luka could see the tiny frown that he was feeling reflected in his sister’s face, although he wasn’t sure what had prompted it in Juleka’s case.

“I’m not going to badger her into staying if she needs to go, Rose,” he said mildly.

Rose threw up her hands. “And how is she supposed to know you want her to stay if you don’t tell her? I don’t get why you’re both fighting this so hard. She’s single, you’re single, but both of you are too chicken to make the first move.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” Juleka interjected, shooting a dark look at her brother. “Because I remember weeks and weeks of Taylor fucking Swift, and I do not want to go through that again.”

“That was ten years ago! You cannot tell me that there’s not something there!” Rose whirled and stabbed a finger at Luka. “You can’t argue with the Sparkly Sense.”

Luka was only half paying attention to the argument, and responded vaguely, “Marinette has too much going on in her life right now to worry about a relationship with anyone.” Like saving the city, over and over and over again, holy shit, she was Ladybug.

Once seen, it was hard to understand how he could have missed it, and his mind briefly derailed to speculate that it must be some sort of kwami-induced magic that obscured her identity. Given how adamant Ladybug had been back in the day that the secret of the miraculous holders’ identities had to be preserved, and how hard she had worked since then to maintain that secrecy, Luka had a bad feeling about how things would go if he told her that he knew.

He was about to become another crack in her armour, another worry dumped on her already overloaded shoulders. Although, what did he really know, when all was said and done? He had his suspicions, nothing more.

“Hopeless, the both of you,” Rose complained, and glared at Juleka. “Don’t you want your brother to live happily ever after?”

“I don’t want to have to live through weeks of I Almost Do again, because my stupid brother hasn’t got the sense he was born with, and you’re just encouraging him.”

Rose stomped away, muttering things under her breath, but Juleka stayed silent after that. His guitar still in his hand, Luka got to his feet and headed for his bedroom before Rose could come back and start again. He had too much else on his mind to deal with Rose’s matchmaking.

Every time he thought Marinette couldn’t get any more extraordinary, she surprised him all over again, but the music he played softly in the solitude of his room that night ached with all the burdens he’d seen in her eyes.

Some time later, he heard a soft knock on his door and it opened quietly. When he looked up, Juleka was leaning there, her hand on the door handle and a look of equal parts irritation and uneasiness on her face.

“Luka –“

“I’m fine,” he cut her off before she could say what he knew she was going to say. “I know what I’m doing, and it’s all good.”

Juleka’s mouth pinched. “Do you, though? Because from where I’m standing, we’re heading for Taylor territory again.”

Luka didn’t answer, his focus on his hands and the fragments of melody that he’d come to think of as Marinette’s song. Eventually he heard a sigh, and Juleka said, “I love you, you dumbass.”

“I know,” he said quietly.

The door shut behind her, and he was left alone with his thoughts and Marinette’s secrets.

~~~~~

“You’re playing with fire,” warned the voice of responsibility in Marinette’s handbag, and Marinette sighed. She shifted the bulky dress bags in her hands so that she could see the little round face peering up at her.

“It’s just a dress fitting, Tikki. Can’t I even have friends anymore?”

“It’s Luka,” the tiny kwami said primly. “Things never stay just friends with Luka, and I saw the way you’ve been looking at him. Remember what happened the last time you told someone?”

“That was ten years ago, and Luka is not Alya. Don’t you think things have changed a bit since then?”

“It never ends well,” Tikki insisted, and Marinette felt the weight of Ladybug closing in on her all over again. She looked up at the Liberty as she drew closer, and had never felt less free in her life.

“Don’t worry, Luka’s not even going to be there,” she said wearily. “Juleka said he’s got something tonight, so it’ll just be her and Rose there. And anyway, there’s no chance he’d ever be interested in me like that again.” Because if there was a chance, then Marinette would have to walk away now before she could do any more damage, and she’d never get to see Luka again. She couldn’t do that. She just couldn’t.

“Luka was a wonderful holder for Sass,” Tikki conceded, “but he’s always been a little too perceptive for comfort. If he were to find out…”

“We’re here,” Marinette said, cutting off the rest of Tikki’s dire predictions. The kwami vanished into the depths of her handbag, and Marinette maneouvred the dress bags carefully as she climbed the gangplank onto the boat and called a greeting as she reached the empty deck.

In spite of her mood after Tikki’s lecture, she felt a tiny smile curl her lips as Rose’s answering shriek echoed up from below deck, and she followed the sound down into the depths of the boat.

“Marinette!” Rose scolded reproachfully as Marinette descended carefully into the galley with the two dress bags in her hand and moved through into the living room. “You didn’t even say goodbye last time! We got back and you were just gone.”

Marinette held the dresses clear as Rose engulfed her in a whirlwind hug, and turned to meet Juleka’s more sedate greeting. The dark-haired girl gave her a nod and a quirk of a smile that turned to a frown when Rose gave her girlfriend a smug look.

Rose turned towards the bedrooms, and bellowed, “Luka! Look who’s here!”

“What’s up?” she heard Luka’s voice, and felt her heart stutter. Oh, that wasn’t good. Luka swung around the edge of the door, leaning against the frame behind his sister as he directed a slow, sweet smile at Marinette.

“Hey, you,” he said, and Marinette couldn’t help but smile back at him. Juleka rolled her eyes and slugged her brother in the arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Juleka!” Rose scolded.

“Weren’t you going out? Rose said you had a thing tonight,” Juleka said, and Luka frowned at her.

“Not for another hour. The band we were going to check out isn’t on til later.”

“Did I say eight?” Rose said innocently to the ceiling. “I meant nine. Oops.”

Marinette found herself standing there awkwardly holding the dress bags, her eyes shifting between the three of them.

“You don’t want to keep the guys waiting if you said you’d be there,” Juleka pushed.

“I only said I might,” Luka said, shooting his sister an annoyed look.

“Besides, he can catch them another time,” Rose insisted, staring at her girlfriend with a pointed message that Juleka ignored for once. “They won’t mind, and Marinette’s here now.”

Luka elbowed Juleka aside none too gently and came into the room. “I’m getting a coffee. Did you want anything, Mari?”

“I’d like a coffee,” Juleka said in a saccharine voice, fluttering her eyelashes at him.

“I didn’t ask you, monster child.”

“You don’t have to stay on my account,” Marinette told Luka. “I’m only here to do the final dress fitting.”

“Oh no!” Rose protested. “You have to stay for dinner. It’s the least we can do after everything you’ve done with the wedding dresses.”

“You haven’t even seen the finished thing yet,” Marinette pointed out, and felt a flush rising at the smile that Luka was giving her.

“We don’t need to see them to know they’re going to be incredible,” he said. “And it wasn’t important. I was only half thinking of going out anyway.”

The noise Juleka made was not polite, and Luka made a rude gesture back without looking at his sister.

“Well,” said Rose brightly. “How about we leave them to it? They’re going to be doing this for a while.”

In Juleka’s bedroom, Marinette didn’t have to ask Rose if she was happy with her wedding dress once she’d settled the clouds of soft pink organza around her and done up the miles of tiny buttons. Rose was making a noise like a tea kettle on the boil that rose to a squeal of happiness as she spun around in front of Juleka’s bedroom mirror. Handbeaded organza flowers spilled down in glittering trails across the skirts as she turned, and Rose raised a hand to touch the flowers that clustered all over her bodice.

“It’s perfect!” she breathed. She made a move as if she was going to throw her arms around Marinette, but Marinette fended her off with a laugh.

“Hug me when we get you out of the dress,” she smiled. “How does it feel? Nothing slipping, or too tight?”

“It’s perfect,” Rose repeated, her voice turning a little wobbly with emotion.

When Marinette finally got Rose to stop twirling around for long enough to take the gown off again, they headed back to the living room to find the Couffaine siblings glaring at each other. Luka looked away as they came in, his mouth pressed in a tight line, and Juleka spun on her heel, stalking towards the bedroom without a word, leaving Marinette to follow.

She carefully removed Juleka’s wedding dress from its hanger while her friend stripped down to her underwear and slipped her formal shoes on, and then Marinette started easing Juleka into the gown.

“Mari, what’s really going on with you and Luka?” Juleka asked, her voice a little muffled by the softly glittering black fabric over her head. Marinette slid the dress down and settled it into place. “I love you, but he’s my brother and I’m worried about him.”

“We’re just friends,” Marinette said, and suppressed a flinch at the words. Juleka rolled her eyes.

“You were never just friends even when you were just friends. And the last time I thought you were just friends it turned out you’d been dating my idiot brother. So excuse me if I’m not buying it.”

Marinette swallowed at that, stung but unable to argue the point.

“Believe me, Juleka, I’m well aware of how badly I fucked up back then, and the last thing I want to do is hurt Luka like that again,” she said, insistent in the face of Juleka’s scepticism.

“You won’t mean to, but Luka gets stupid when you’re involved.”

“That was ten years ago,” Marinette protested.

“That was two minutes ago.”

Juleka’s exasperated words provoked a cold wash of dismay. Juleka had to be mistaken. Luka was long over her, he had to be. Somewhere deep down, though, Marinette felt a tiny fireworks explosion of something that she didn’t dare acknowledge.

“The moment you turn up, he drops everything without a second thought,” Juleka muttered as Marinette eased the hidden zip up. Marinette stepped back, and Juleka turned to face the mirror.

“Wow. Damn, Marinette,” she breathed. She angled herself a little, her eyes still on her reflection in the mirror. “I take it all back. You’re welcome to wreck my dumbass brother, as long as I get to keep this dress.”

Marinette gave a tightlipped little smile, and went back to regarding the gown with a critical eye. There really didn’t seem to be much that needed adjusting. She repositioned the crystal chipped dragon brooch that coiled over Juleka’s hip, where it caught up the fall of the fabric, but it all seemed to be working.

She extracted Juleka from the gown again, and back in the living room Rose was sprawled on the couch, scrolling through something on her phone. Luka had his guitar in his hands again, strumming something with his coffee forgotten on the table beside him. He looked up as Marinette and Juleka came in.

“How’s the dress?” he asked.

“It’s stunning,” Juleka said, and heaved a put-upon sigh. “I can’t stop you from being stupid, but at least you have good taste.”

He gave her a suspicious look, his eyes shifting to Marinette when there was no further explanation forthcoming. “What was that all about?”

Marinette shrugged awkwardly, but fortunately he didn’t press her on it.

“So are we doing Thai or that new Indian place tonight? There’s nothing on the Akuma alert,” Rose said from the couch, “but there is a new theory about who Ladybug is on the conspiracy forums.”

“Aliens, or the Mayor’s secret revenge love child this time?” Juleka asked, dropping onto the couch beside her.

“I miss the Ladyblog,” Rose said, stretching her arms over her head. “Remember that time Alya thought that Chloe was Ladybug?”

Marinette remembered.

On the couch, Juleka laughed. “How is Alya,” she asked, and tilted her head to throw a look at Marinette. “Have you seen her lately?”

Alya again. The universe seemed determined to beat her over the head with her failures. She opened her eyes to find them all watching her, and she gave a strained and unconvincing smile.

“Not recently. I think she’s working in a travel agency now. It’s been a few years, though.”

Nearly six years, to be exact, since she’d last bumped into Alya.

“Jules,” Luka said casually, “how about you and Ro go pick up dinner? Mari and I really should work on the song for the wedding a bit more.”

It was a transparent excuse to shift the subject and give her a bit of space, and she was grateful for it, even if Rose did give Luka a very unsubtle wink that he pretended to not see. Rose and Juleka didn’t seem to have noticed anything odd, but Luka threw her a quick glance as he laughed at something Rose said, and reached out to toss his wallet at Juleka, who pulled a few euros from it and threw it back. Marinette managed to respond lightly enough to a question about her preferences, and by the time it was just her and Luka she’d pulled herself together again.

“I take it that things aren’t good with Alya,” he said gently.

She shrugged, and the smile she gave him was a little unsteady. “Our friendship didn’t end well. We don’t talk to each other anymore.”

It wasn’t exactly the truth, but it was as close as she could get without giving away too much. There was no way she could explain how her former best friend had looked straight through her as if she was a stranger the last time they’d run into each other, or the sickening wash of guilt, remorse, and self-loathing she still felt over the reason behind it, even after all these years.

“It was a long time ago,” she said as easily as she could manage, but Luka had always been able to read her better than that. His hand closed over hers briefly, reassuring and strong, and for a moment she let herself draw on his warmth.

“It still leaves a mark, though, doesn’t it?” he said.

She couldn’t help wondering a little bitterly how different things might have been if she’d told Luka everything, instead of Alya, back when she was fourteen. Would it have been Luka looking at her with that terrible emptiness?

Marinette broke eye contact and pulled her hand away to wrap it around her now-cold mug. She was aware that Luka was regarding her as if he saw a lot more than she was letting on, but he didn’t push for more. Instead, he got to his feet.

“I need another coffee,” he said, and gave her a questioning look. “Tea for you?”

She took the distraction, and followed him into the galley.

Luka kept to safe subjects after that, telling her about the group of students he’d been working with after school, and a gig that had gone disastrously wrong, until she couldn’t help but giggle when he described the drummer slowly sliding off his stool and passing out face down on his snare drum.

“It actually improved the quality of his playing,” Luka said wryly.

And he laughed when she countered with an account of Chloe Bourgeois commisioning her to design and make an outfit last season.

“I don’t think she’d even considered that MDC might stand for Marinette Dupain-Cheng until she turned up for the fitting,” Marinette grinned. “You should have seen the look on her face, though.”

“Ridiculous!” Luka scoffed in a passable immitation of the Mayor’s daughter, and waved his hand in the air as Marinette giggled at him. “Utterly ridiculous!”

“And of course, nothing was good enough. She couldn’t believe I was expecting her to pay full price for such shoddy workmanship. I should be paying her to wear my rags.”

“Tell me you told her where to shove it,” Luka said, and folded his arms on the benchtop, leaning forward in anticipation. Marinette’s smile grew broader.

“Oh, better than that. I told her if it wasn’t to her satisfaction she was welcome to leave the dress and I’d cancel her contract, and I’d even waive the cancellation fee because we’d known each other such a long time. I was very helpful. I told her I was sure I could find someone willing to buy it instead, and Clara Nightingale had already seen it and asked if it was for sale. Which was true,” she added as an afterthought.

“And?”

Marinette tilted her chin, her smile turning smug. “She took the dress, of course. And ordered another one under a fake name a month later.”

“Seriously?”

“B. Queen, to be delivered to the Grand Paris Hotel. With her exact measurements. Seriously.”

Luka tipped his head back and laughed hard, and Marinette lost herself in the sound. God, he was a beautiful man.

Next to the couch in the living room, her handbag shuffled in agitation, and Marinette ignored it, but her smile faded in response to the reminder.

“Marinette,” Luka said more seriously, and when she looked up his blue eyes had deepened into something that was a little hard to read. He frowned a little, as if he was trying to decide what he should say. “You don’t have to tell me anything, but I get the feeling that things haven’t been so easy for you. I know it’s been hard to let yourself get close to anyone.”

He was speaking slowly, measuring out each word carefully, and it felt like there was a whole lot he deliberately wasn’t saying.

“I just need you to know, the Liberty is always a safe place. We’re here for you. I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

It would be so easy, so very easy, to fall into those ocean deep eyes and fall into his arms, and tell him everything. That was what made Luka Couffaine so dangerous to be around. With ten years of Tikki’s constant litany of concealment and duty ringing in her ears, Marinette clamped her mouth shut on all her secrets even as a tiny voice in the back of her head pleaded but this is Luka.

“Weren’t we supposed to practise the song?” Marinette blurted out, and felt the heat of an embarrassed flush rise in her cheeks. She hadn’t felt this thrown in years.

Luka accepted the abrupt shift with nothing more than a nod and a soft smile, as if he’d expected it.

“Back to the Disney salt mines,” he said drily, and startled a laugh out of her. “Don’t tell Rose I said that. She’d have me tried for treason.”

“How did we get ourselves into this?” Marinette asked, and Luka chuckled.

“Well, Ro loves Disney, no surprise there, and Jules loves Ro.”

“And you love them both,” Marinette said softly.

“And you’d do anything for the people you care about, even agree to sing at their wedding if they asked you to,” Luka said just as gently, and they exchanged glances. “So here we are, knee deep in Disney magic. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to sit through Cinderella, both versions, and I can recite Tangled in my sleep.” His smile softened. “I’m developing a new appreciation for it, though.”

Marinette dropped her gaze, avoiding his eyes. He said in an easier manner, “I have to admit, there’s some great music. You should hear Rose belt out Let It Go sometime, and Jules did an incredible cover of Once Upon a Dream one Valentine’s Day for Rose.”

“What about you? Do you ever sing along?” she asked, trying to match his tone.

“What do you think? Music nerd here.”

He rapped out a solid, syncopated beat on the benchtop, and that husky voice of his sang, “Tatou o tagata folau...” She couldn’t help grinning, and he grinned back as he segued into a phrase from Circle of Life before riffing a bit of the simple bear necessities, and then finished on “You’re welcome, and thank you!” as she burst out laughing.

“Good music is good music,” he said with a shrug. “I get a lot of eyerolling from some of the kids when I start talking Disney in class, but it’s a starting point for a lot of discussion, and it turns out everyone always has their favourite song.”

“So what about you? What’s your favourite?” she asked, and he said easily, “Oh, there are a lot I could go with. It all depends on my mood.”

“Yes, but if you had to pick one?”

She wasn’t sure why she was pushing, and he hesitated for a long moment. Just when she thought he was going to brush it off, he reached for his guitar.

“It’s not strictly Disney, but ...” She didn’t recognise the soft, rippling intro that he played, and it wasn’t until he started singing that she worked out what it was.

He didn’t look at her as he sang about someday, out of the blue. It didn’t have to mean anything, it was just a song, he could have been thinking about anyone, but when he sang about still believing and still having faith in a voice that was far too heartfelt, Marinette felt her breath catch.

She couldn’t be doing this to him all over again.

~~~~~

He knew, the moment that his hands stilled on the guitar strings, that he’d gone too far and given away too much. The stricken look on Marinette’s face made that blatantly clear.

From the doorway, Rose breathed, “Oh Luka, that was lovely!”

Juleka dropped the bags of takeaway on the table and muttered something, while Luka watched Marinette and felt his heart sink like a stone.

“We so have to do a Road to El Dorado movie night tonight,” Rose was saying brightly. “You’re staying, aren’t you, Marinette? Otherwise Luka’s going to be the odd man out again.”

“I wish I could,” Marinette said. “I… I have to go. Sorry, Rose, maybe another time.” Her glance flickered in his direction. “Sorry. I’m really sorry I can’t stay for dinner after all.”

She scrambled her things together, dropping her handbag and coming up red-faced. This was more like the Marinette he remembered from their teenage years, and it brought up some difficult memories. She flashed an awkward smile in answer to Rose’s protests, and then she was gone.

“Well,” Rose said, staring at the empty doorway. “I guess Marinette’s still Marinette.”

“Rose!” Luka’s voice cracked like glass, and his future sister-in-law’s eyes widened at Luka’s uncharacteristically sharp tone. “Remember all those plans to get Marinette and Adrien together?” How well did those work out?”

“But this is different!” Rose protested.

“This is no different. No more plans. I’ve screwed things badly enough as it is.”

He drew in a deep breath and blew it out again, thinking of all those secrets that Marinette had to keep, and the distances that had grown in her life because of them. More quietly, he said, “Marinette could really use a few good friends in her life. I don’t want her to lose us again because we’re pushing for more than she can give.”

“I…” Rose looked away, biting her lip, and then met his eyes. “Yeah, I get it.”

Dinner was quieter than usual, and Luka ignored the perturbed glances his sister kept shooting him. He pushed the food around, barely tasting it, and put it aside when he couldn’t pretend he was actually eating it anymore.

Luka swung away from the table, his phone in his hand, and hesitated, then he texted Marinette before he could talk himself out of it.

+Sorry about that. Rose has promised to back off on the matchmaking – I think she’s just got wedding fever. Want to run through the song one more time before the wedding?+

It wasn’t Rose’s schemes, though. He knew that. Marinette was taking far too long for it to mean anything good, although he kept trying to tell himself that she might not be able to answer, she might be in the middle of something, she might have her phone off... Juleka muttered at him to stop fidgeting so much, god, you’re driving me crazy, before it finally chimed with a response.

+I think I know it now+ she sent back. +See you next week+

Luka stared numbly at the words on his screen. It was happening all over again, and this time he had no defences left. Juleka was watching him with a look of exasperated sympathy.

“You’re just as stupid as you ever were,” she told him, and Luka exhaled heavily. It was hard to argue with that.

30 things I learned by the time I turned 30:

1. You don't need a fancy job just one you enjoy doing

2. Quality over quantity when it comes to friends, trust me you'll be happier

3. Use caution when making co-workers into friends because it can come back to bite you in the ass

4. You don't have to agree with both or any of them, but learn both sides of any argument or discussion or hot topic that you might get involved with so you can fully understand what's happening and don't sound ignorant.

5. Find a sanctuary. Somewhere or something that soothes your soul and makes you calm or relaxed. Don't let it be a person.

6. Hobbies, even if you don't always have time to so them, are still important. Discover new ones any chance you can and indulge in the ones you already have.

7. Some lessons you can't teach others, they have to learn them themselves through experience.

8. If you said you would go, then go. Don't bail. It usually turns out way better than you think it will and if not at least you are known for keeping your word.

9. Don't talk behind someone's back, if you have a problem talk to the person like a reasonable adult.

10. Be aware of the trends of today but don't feel obligated to follow them, just do you.

11. Find that one friend who will go on midnight drives or random adventures with you. That one person who you can just say 'today was the worst' or 'this would be cool to do/go to' and they'll be like let's go. It's more important than you realize.

12. People watch. It will teach you about yourself as much as it does others.

13. There will be shitty people out there. Learn to figure out the two-faced from the good eggs or listen to other's warnings.

14. Spend time alone.

15. You don't need a significant other to be happy despite what society tries to tell you. Don't settle just to fit a mold. Enjoy being single and focusing on yourself. (Even if you are in your 30s)

16. Join a club. A book club or sewing club or wine club. Any kind of club that you are interested in because having a group of people to talk to about your interest will make you happier than you realize.

17. Video chat your friends or family. Sometimes a text just doesn't fill the void you have in your heart and you won't relize how much you needed to see their faces and hear their voices until you are crying of laughter about some stupid memory or joke.

18. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Choose wisely and hold on tight to the good ones.

19. Die your hair or get a tattoo or get a piercing or wear what you are comfortable in and fuck what anyone else thinks. Be comfortable in your appearance and you'll be happier.

20. Never stop learning.

21. Discover yourself in your 20s so at 30 you are confident in who you are. That doesn't mean you won't change but its better to start on firm ground rather than rocky ground.

22. Forgive yourself for past mistakes.

23. Forgiving does not always mean forgetting. Sometimes you have to accept what happened and forgive that it happened but you don't have to put yourself in a position for it to happen again.

24. One day you'll realize the people you thought would be in your life forever back in high school will most likely turn into strangers you have history with but that just made room for people who fit into your life now and that's all okay.

25. Don't be too hard on yourself, but hold yourself accountable.

26. Time doesn't stop and you shouldn't either. Don't get stuck in the past.

27. Some things in life are inevitable.

28. Don't take yourself too seriously, it'll suck the fun out of life.

29. You don't have to give a reason if you say no to something, you can just say no.

30. Time you enjoyed wasting really is never wasted time, it's just a new memory to look back on later.

WHO DO YOU LOVE | the beginning (0/32)

summary: maybe it was the vulnerability that you were in that made you want to find an outlet of the perfect life you once led. maybe it was the way he was so alluring to you, that you wanted to stay, or was it the way that he made you feel so delicate that made you forget about your ex? or was it the adrenaline that was pumping through your blood that made you go crazy to look for love in illegal street racers?

masterlist | next

taglist: @sannie-san-shine @hereisleo @s1ardusk

a/n: the choice making will start next chapter!!!

The quiet disturbance of the city bus’ atmosphere annoyed you to your peak this evening as you were already on your way home from what could’ve been described as the worst day you’ve encountered. From the moment it began from the morning to the deepest hours of the night, all you could ask for at the time being was to go back to your apartment and crawl into your pajamas knowing your significant other was waiting for you, like a routined event.

Your feet swung beneath you as you struggled to find a way to distract your mind while you impatiently waited for your stop to just abruptly arrive. However, it took only ten minutes for you to finally get to your ending into the familiar building you could call home. The entire day that you reflected on today wasn’t something that you always dealt with, but rather the complete opposite and the fact that you were a struggling graduate student didn’t solve your cases either.

The way that it started off with you being late to your first class of the day to dealing with snobby customers all throughout the afternoon during your shift at the diner, you prayed that maybe something spontaneous could happen when you unlocked the front door. Your feet ached from rushing back and forth between lecture halls and tables, a migraine already blossoming from the fact that you didn’t get enough sleep the previous night, exhaust was engulfing you to the fullest and you wanted serenity.

Sleep.

You were about to open the door with the keys that dangled in between your fingers when you heard loud groans coming from the opposite side of it. Your stomach churned as the sound of a door opening from beside you was made, making you turn to see your neighbor’s expression changed from frustration to almost shock.

Before they could say anything, you immediately opened the door to your apartment and looked to see that the living room was almost completely empty except for some small articles of clothing here and there.

However, there was a small glimpse you managed to catch in the kitchen that was connected to your small spaced living room. In that moment, your eyes felt like they were burning, yet there was a bigger fire that settled inside your mind almost immediately as you were ready to go off on the two individuals that were clearly screwing each other in front of you, not acknowledging your presence until the slam of the door you made after shutting the front door from behind you.

“What the hell do you think you’re both doing?” You infuriatingly yelled at the two individuals as they stopped in their positions to look at you wide-eyed, the both of them now completely speechless.

“Y/N, I thought you were-”

“I never said I was staying late at the diner tonight, Wonwoo,” You snapped as you crossed your arms in front of you, knowing that the two naked people in front of you were not only humiliated, but finally caught in their secret affair, “so tell me what the hell you think you’re doing screwing her of all people.”

You wondered to yourself how long this must’ve gone on without you knowing and how many signs you could’ve missed, however the only person you were blaming mentally was yourself.

Maybe it was the fact that you weren’t around as much because of extra shifts you picked up and the intense classes you were taking. Maybe it was your fault that you pushed everyone else you cared about away because you were scared of who knows what, but in this case in front of you it wasn’t.

This was a situation where you knew that they were fully aware of their own actions in the moment because they were both grown adults, sober enough to know what was going on.

“We can explain-”

“I don’t need either of your explanations as I can clearly see that this must’ve been around too long for me to actually notice. The fact that you’re both my best friend and my boyfriend says a lot, so you both must’ve found ways to do this without me knowing right?” You bitterly laughed before continuing on, “God, I must’ve been so stupid to not realize how much you both managed to fuck me over, but here I am walking into my own apartment watching you both fuck the hell out of each other.”  

“Y/N, we never meant to hurt you.” You were able to hear Seona say from behind you as you shook your head looking at the both of them in disgust as tears pricked at the corner of your eyes, however you didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of you being hurt.

Not yet.

“If you both knew me, then this definitely wouldn’t have happened at all, Seona,” You started off before turning to the person that you once claimed as your soulmate and collected yourself, “And I guess you’re still the insecure asshole that I always knew you were, despite the fact that I knew you were only in it for the sex. You’re a disgusting piece of trash and I hope that you get the hell out of my apartment, or better yet, I'll give you until tomorrow to take your shit out of here before I do something I regret.”

You finally walked out of the apartment when your legs allowed you to with a slam from the door behind as you mentally applauded yourself when you managed to get down all four flights of stairs without falling, despite the blurry vision that accompanied my eyes.

Never would you have imagined yourself in that position, especially over somebody that you once admired every day for their unique individuality in your eyes. However, in a split second it managed to change back to the very beginning when you met him.

The deep memories of other peers from your lecture halls and from your small shifts with your coworkers, everybody knew him.

It wasn’t inevitable for you to realize that the same guy was somebody you wanted to be with because of his quick wits and charms that you fell for when you first met him accidentally, the night of one of your brother’s, Yeosang’s, boxing matches. However you learned one lesson and one lesson only, which was that people don’t change, if they don’t learn from other people.

A small sigh escapes your lips once you finally gotten into your car that finally worked in time as you wiped the stray tears that escaped your eyes when you sat in your driver seat.

The stray tears eventually turned into sobs, one by one, and it wasn’t until the soft buzzing of your phone vibrating in the seat beside you that made you snap back into reality. Just as you were about to decline it out of habit, you read the contact name and wiped your eyes, holding back small hiccups escaping from your lips before swiping across the screen to answer it with a shaky breath.

“Hello-”

“Did you make it home safely, Y/N?” You hear on the other end and just from the soft tone of his voice, broken down into tears once more as confusion crossed the mind of the other individual on the line.

“Hey, hey, what’s the matter-”

“Yeosang, can I come over please? Something happened at the apartment.” You managed to choke out and with a small hum you hear him say something softly before hanging up the call.

“The door will be open for you, and I’ll kick his stuff out by morning.”

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

Hi! I love your blog and I’m fascinated about your personality, you seem such a wonderful person! Could you share with us, dear followers, about life lessons you learned in your life? I trust that you have some few good advice. P.S. Your tags are the best, they are gold!

Hey anon!

well first of all i want to apologize to you because it has been approximately TWELVE HUNDRED YEARS since you sent me this ask and i have truly been The Worst™ about answering my asks. and THANK YOU SO MUCH for your kind words, you are so sweet ❤ ❤ ❤

i really wanted to answer this with some variation on “my advice is to never ask me for advice” lol because i have no idea what i’m doing. like seriously, 95% of the time this is a fly by the seat of my pants, fake it til ya make it operation. BUT i made you wait SO LONG and i didn’t want to leave you hanging, so i made you a list of some Random Life Lessons i’ve accumulated during my sad, sorry existence on this earth.

HERE WE GO…

Never assume you are the smartest person in the room.

You are never too old to use Johnson & Johnson baby products, go to Chuck-E-Cheese, enjoy a nice ice cream cake, or eat Lunchables.

You are not bound or beholden to anyone else’s perception of you… Fuck them, they don’t know your life.

Dear dudes: if when you say “boys don’t like when girls…” Our response is ALWAYS going to be “girls don’t gaf.”

Don’t waste any of your time fucking with people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

You see a relationship needs to be mutually beneficial. If you’re both not getting something you want it’s a bad relationship.

The high road is like, the worst road ever and annoying af while you’re one it… but at the end of the day, taking it will probably make you feel better about yourself.

Pickle juice is an EXCELLENT chaser.

Let your instincts and the hair on the back of your neck dictate what you do, NOT politeness.

If someone is constantly accusing you of cheating on them it’s because they are cheating on you constantly.

JELL-O No-Bake Boxed Cheesecake is actually pretty damn good.

Never let anyone make you feel like you owe them anything more than yourself.

Blavy is terrible and does not look good on ANYONE. I don’t care that Tom Ford and Marc Jacobs said it’s ok now… It’s not.

Don’t care about what people say behind your back. Theres a reason why they’re behind you.

Find good friends that you trust that you can be an asshole with in private so you don’t act like an even bigger asshole in public.

Don’t ever let anyone make you feel shitty or belittle you for caring about things; and the same goes for getting excited about things.

Related to the above, don’t ever belittle or go out of your way to make people feel shitty about the things they can and get excited about. It’s truly one of the meanest things you can do.

Whenever you get to a new campus, whether it be uni or grad school or study abroad, ALWAYS walk to where all your classes will be BEFORE the term starts. Seriously, the walking estimated time on the maps thingies are full of shit.

Don’t ever say “i’m sorry you feel that way” to people. Honestly, you sound like a douche. And you’re not sorry.

If you ever get to a point in a relationship where you are seriously considering cheating on your significant other, just break up with them. It’s time.

Learn at least one self defense move… It doesn’t matter if it’s a kick or a punch or whatever. just make sure you know one and make sure you know it really well.

There is a difference between “being a risk taker” and “being a dumbass.” You’ll know it when you see it.

The same goes for things like “being realistic” vs. “being a fucking bummer”… Just kep an eye out ya know?

If you have had a disagreement with someone but you guys talk it out and decide you are going to move on from it, move on from it. If you are still angry, you need to let the other person know that.

Never, NEVER, let your first date with someone be to a wedding.

Same goes for funerals, bar/bat mitzvah’s, quinces, or any other large family gathering. at least go out for coffee first or something.

It doesn’t matter how far away from his mamma he moves, a mamma’s boy will always be a mamma’s boy.

“Brutal honesty” is called that because it usually involves brutalizing someone. so ask yourself, is your brutality really needed or appreciated?

Standing up for yourself shouldn’t involve walking all over someone else or making them feel shitty. Those 2 things should not be mutually exclusive.

Never let a teacher or authority figure make you feel stupid for not being good enough at certain school subjects.

Trust your instincts about the following: boys, friends, people trying to sell you shit, people trying to get you to sign shit.

If for any reason you are in a situation where police are involved, do NOT speak to them without a lawyer, parent, or some kind of other advocate present

It’s ok to wait to get your license until you feel ready to drive

Don’t worry about your weight. It fluctuates as you grow because your insides are growing too. It is natural.

if you notice something about someone’s appearance and they can’t fix it right away, don’t tell them. For example, if you are at a bar with friends, Good: “hey you have lipstick on your teeth.” Bad: “hey that shirt is really unflattering.”

Don’t every tell anyone someone “loves them in their own way.” it’s shitty. don’t say it… there is no wrong way to love someone, but there are things that are not love.

You don’t have to be anyone’s sidekick friend… You are no one’s sidekick.

“Be stubborn about your goals but flexible about your methods.”

Get rid of stuff you don’t use. Unused and unappreciated things make us feel bad.

Listen to Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” slowed down to 33 rpm, at least once in your life.

If a dude ever tells you in all seriousness that he loves fight club and/or Tyler Durden, run. Run fast, and run far.

If you ever find yourself wondering if you sound or are being condescending, you are.

Know how to cook at least one thing well enough that you can do it from memory. even if its just pasta or chicken or something… there will come a time in your life where you are going to have to unexpectedly feed yourself. don’t be caught unprepared.

Try to avoid doing the following: making promises when you are really excited. responding when you are angry. making decisions when you are sad.

You have to be willing to cut off people who make you unhappy. it’s going to really suck and you are going to feel really guilty. and chances are they are going to get pissed and it will be very unpleasant. but you have to cut off toxic relationships. The only thing toxic that you should still be in contact with is that song Britney Spears made, because that song is lit af.

And going along with that, life is too short to pretend like you don’t love britney spears or taylor swift or whatever pop music makes you happy. seriously, if people are going to give you shit about that, they can kiss your ass.

When you make a to do list add a few things that you have already done or that you can get done in the next hour or so, because it feels really good to cross things off.

Going back to an old relationship is like rewatching a movie and expecting a different ending to happen… spoiler alert: ain’t nothing gonna change

Never mistake kindness for weakness or silence for stupidity.

“One of the biggest lies we’re told is that ‘everything happens for a reason.’ Allow yourself to remember that accidents happen, and not all of them have to shape your life. Try to let go of toxic people and situations that are harming you. Not all lessons are worth learning the hard way. Take care of yourself.”

If someone is complaining to you about something and you are going to give them advice, ask first. say “do you want advice or do you just need to vent?” because unwanted advice when someone is already annoyed is never going to help the situation.

Telling someone to “calm down” has never worked. ever. in all of history… I’ve checked. Repeatedly.

“You all have a little bit of ‘I want to save the world’ in you, that’s why you’re here, in college. I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.”

When you can’t be honest with people, you can’t ever relax with them.

Don’t listen to the people who tell you ‘if you give up, you never wanted it in the first place.’ Sometimes, it’s okay to give up on things.

All relationships have to have mutual effort… If they wanna talk to you, they will. If they wanna be with you, they will. If they wanna make things work, they will. Don’t let things be one sided. It’s not healthy, and it’s not fair to you.

You deserve friends who treat you with love and respect. You deserve friends that listen to you. You deserve friends that try to understand your feelings and respect them. You deserve positive and healthy friendships. Don’t settle for less.

Don’t take yourself too seriously… Sometimes ridiculous, dumb shit is gonna happen to you and you should recognize it for what it is: a really good story you can tell at parties.

It’s really, really important to realize that missing someone or something and wanting it back are two very, very different things.

Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s a bad thing to feel things deeply. A full heart is a strong heart and being soft doesn’t make you weak. Being soft and loving makes you radiant. you deserve all of the love in the world and so many good things.

Everyone (including your family, your coworkers, and your best friend) will talk about you behind your back, and you’ll talk about them too. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

There are some people who will nitpick and dwell over your tiniest faults just to make them feel superior. Leave them be to find satisfaction. Only the insecure think that another’s flaws and shortcomings can become their own merits.

You’re not fake simply because you act differently depending on the person you’re with. Different personalities bring out different aspects of your personality. You’re complex and multidimensional and you contain fucking multitudes man; it’s beautiful.

Whenever you go somewhere new, try to go to at least one restaurant recommended by a local. Seriously, 9 times out of 10 it will be the best meal you have on the whole trip.

Please, for the love of god, just walk your drunk friends to the door. Sooo much can happened between your car and the door.

Learn the difference between something that makes you feel bad, and something that’s wrong. A thing can feel bad and be right, and it can feel good and be wrong… In the end, being able to look at yourself in the mirror will end up being the most important thing.

If you need to stop for any reason in a public place, move off to the side first.

Unless it’s been agreed about before hand, don’t keep score about paying for things. If you offer to pay for something, don’t do it with the expectation that you must be reciprocated later.

Honestly, don’t keep score with anything tbh. Half the time people don’t know they are playing in the first place.

If you wear a kick ass outfit but don’t see anyone the day you wear it, it’s ok to wear it again the next day.

Be aware of the toxic and intoxicating effect of bad moods.

Unless you are the DD or don’t drink, avoid being the least sober person in the room. just, trust me.

Never settle for less than you deserve, if you’re unhappy move on you will find happiness eventually and when you do it will be such a wonderful feeling.

Some people are just naturally good at things, it happens. Don’t measure yourself against those people. That is just asking for a migraine and an inferiority complex.

Try not to use the excuse “because that’s how other people do it”… Sometimes you need to do better than the people that came before you.

It is perfectly reasonable to judge someone based on their politics. Peoples’ politics reflect their opinions on damn near everything.

If you are going to have a casual sexual relationship with someone (aka have a fuck buddy) be real clear about those Terms and Conditions a head of time.

If you can only be clever or funny at the expense of others or their feelings, you aren’t actually clever or funny. You’re just a bully.

People who say “learn to take a joke” or “learn to laugh at yourself” can never take a joke or laugh at themselves. I know this to be true to a fault. 

Don’t use words when you don’t know what they mean… I know this sounds stupid, but seriously. You would be shocked. Just don’t do it.

Sex should never be painful (unless there is explicit consent) or make you uncomfortable… There is a HUGE difference between trying something that is outside your sexual comfort zone and doing sexual things that make you feel bad or uncomfortable. And anyone pushing you do to the latter is not someone you need to be in a relationship with, sexually or otherwise.

For the love of god and all that is holy and unholy… BE AWARE OF YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

Never give anyone else control over your mental health or mental state.

Try to stay away from people who hit/throw things when they are angry or get really angry when they are drunk.

Don’t approach relationships with people with the goal of like, changing or saving or educating them. That’s not your job.

If someone goes after your looks or your intelligence, it means they have nothing else to say.

If you are going to make people feel shitty for being a virgin OR for having sex, you are an asshole. Bottom line. No exceptions.

If you are gonna fuck around with Ouija boards and shit like that, be ready for what you are getting yourself into.

Pick one day a week where you clean or tidy your personal space. You will feel so much better about life.

Sometimes you are going to have to do things you don’t want to do or go places you don’t want to go because someone you love wants to. If your bff wants to go to a concert for a band you don’t like/have never heard of for their birthday or see a movie you don’t really want to see, just do it. Small things like that can make people so happy. You are doing it because you care, you aren’t forfeiting anything.

Don’t let people take advantage of your or walk all over you or take things out on you… a) they may not even realize they ARE doing it and will KEEP doing, or b) they will know they CAN and they will KEEP doing it.

Not every Hill has to be The Hill You Will Die On… Like, you can just camp out there for a little while. it’s fine.

Try to buy a few extra birthday/special occasion cards and like $5-$10 gifts cards to Starbucks or Target or something like that to have one hand. Because i am telling you rn, there will come a time where you will completely forget someone important’s birthday.

There are going to be people who hate you based solely on what someone else told them about you. Yes it’s shitty. But 9 times out of 10 no, neither of them are worth your effort.

There are also going to be people who hate you for no particular reason and get pissed off about everything you do. don’t try to appease them because it will just make you hate yourself… At some point EVERYONE is someone’s “Bitch Eating Crackers.” You should just keep eating your crackers.

Likewise, if you find yourself getting pissed off or annoyed at everything someone does, don’t interact with them. You are just going to prolong your own pain, suffering, and pissiness.

A lot of the time, headaches can be cured by one of the following: sleep, food, water, tylenol, or loosening your ponytail… Make sure to try al those before you start freaking out about having a brain tumor.

The whole “nothing good happens after 2 am” thing is a myth… If you are out and having fun, stay out. Have fun!

Spite can actually be a really good motivator. seriously, it can make you so productive… just don’t let it make you insufferable.

Ignore 1-star and 5-star reviews of books, hotels and products. The 3-star reviews will answer all your actual questions.

Learn keyboard shortcuts. If you don’t know what CTRL + Z does, your life is definitely harder than it has to be.

If it ever comes down to other people liking you and you liking yourself, always pick yourself. ALWAYS… Being able to look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day it highly underrated.

Verbal, emotional, mental and financial abuse are STILL ABUSE… And you don’t have to put up with that shit.

If you are ever about to bitch someone out, take a breath and count to 100 before doing it. It will give you time to either calm down and walk away OR think of really good insults.

Even the nicest people have their limits. Don’t try to reach that point because the nicest people are also the scariest assholes when they’ve had enough… “Demons run when a good man goes to war.”

Things that you should try to never start a sentence with: “no offense,” “not to be rude,” “well actually.”

Splurge on cute underwear, good booze, and fancy food every once in a while. it’s totally worth it.

Every occasion can be a dress up, champagne, and fancy china occasion if you believe in yourself.

People who are nice to you but mean to waiters, retail workers, animals, or their mothers are not actually nice people.

It is just as important to be aware of and acknowledge what you don’t know as it is to be aware of and acknowledge what you do know.

If you unironically use the term “friendzone” you deserve to get punched in the face and/or kicked on the ass… Idgasf what the context or situation is, you absolutely deserve it!

Every good relationship should be mutually beneficial and must have mutual trust, mutual respect, and mutual effort… If it doesn’t have one of these, it’s not a good relationship.

There’s gonna come a point in time in your life when you are going to start to feel icky if you go too long with out eating a fruit and/or vegetable… It’s gonna be around the same general time when you should start taking a daily multivitamin.

Your sexuality is what you say it is. Period. And it’s ok if you don’t know exactly what that is right now or if it changes at any time in the future. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise, they can get bent.

You are not required to disclose any kind of personal information about yourself and no one is entitled to that information in order for you and your opinion to be respected… However, if you are going to argue a point or hold yourself out as a representative of a certain minority/class/demographic, there is probably going to come a point in time where you need to back up your arguments with the necessary information. Just be prepared to put your money where your mouth is.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I’m pretty sure you’re still being a dick… Don’t take advantage of peoples’ faith or trust in you. It’s a dick move, just don’t do it.

The same goes for not cheating on your significant others or betraying your friends… Seriously it is SO EASY to not treat people like shit. It takes slim to no effort.

Be aware that when you make blanket statements about groups of people, there are really no such things as exclusionary or exception clauses… Like, you can’t tell someone in that group “but i’m not talking about YOU” because you are. You are talking about them. That’s just, quite literally, how making generalizations works.

STAY IN YOUR LANE! When you have to get over be polite and USE YOUR GODDAMN BLINKER... This applies to sooo many things in life besides just driving.

Destroyed

10.4.2020

Day two of “The Crash” and there’s been no improvement as I start typing this. I went through this last year and it’s how I finally went to therapy (I originally wrote that as “ended up”. But that’s my inner failure dialog.) I can’t control my emotions. I’m hot all the time. And well, my ass hurts (I did go to the doctor and changed the cream I’m using. It hurts both more and less). 

I can’t get out from this feeling of impending existential doom. It’s not anyone’s fault and I’m doing everything I can not to take it out on anyone. I want to cry but there’s no tears. I want to kill myself but that’s ridiculous. I want to write or sing or something but I’m embarrassed people will hear/see me do something that’s not perfect. 

Part of this is the internet. I have mostly stopped posting on guitar forums. I unfollowed every politics related poster on Twitter. And I have been unfollowing the source posters of my Facebook friends. Though Facebook pisses me off because you can block any post you want but if it still thinks you want to see it, it’s going to show it to you. 

I’m still reading everything like an addict. And it’s not just the phone. It’s when I’m on the computer too. I need to make an effort on my own behalf to keep a book with me at all times. Yeah, I might only get a page or two here and there and have to read it over later. But I can’t keep exposing myself to human stupidity for a significant portion of my day. 

The guitar stuff is uber stupid. Taylor comes out with a new guitar and these cantankerous fucks who haven’t even seen one in person yet already hate it because of marketing, bracing, wood, you name it, they hate it. Heritage’s new owners commit to changing the line for the better and these assholes either want them to innovate in a way that’s outside of the brand or can’t get over that the headstock doesn’t look like a Gibson. And that’s just the on-topic bullshit stuff that’s been going on for years. Nevermind the thinly veiled politics. I’m just over it. There was a time when there was something to be learned in these places. That time has passed.  

And just because it needs to be said, I have no sympathy. If he dies, he dies. And Pence had better die too, because he’s worse. While I’m at it, religion is just fairy tales told to teach us a lesson or mask political commentary. None of it happened and very few of those people actually lived. Certainly none of them lived as written. So if that’s your basis to vote for impending fascism, and that’s why you won’t wear a mask, or you’re just a “but my freedoms” idiot, you deserve to die too. 

This is all Inner Critic. I hate myself but I hate you more. I actually do think those things and that’s the part of the Inner Critic that is me. But getting red in the face while typing it is not. At this point, I’m just at input overload. With that as my baseline, it’s no wonder I need peace like Frank Black. I sang that song last year when I was at my breaking point and it’s no wonder the first Catholics record has been on my mind the past week. 

Then, last night I had an argument with my wife. Usually our arguments are about me not helping and I’ve made a concerted effort during my unemployment to do more of the daily chores. We’re not talking about huge things here, just daily stuff that needs to be done. I seem to like to do those things at 3am while she does things as they happen. Call that more of not wanting people to see me. 

Yesterday, I was putting away the laundry and she didn’t like how I did it. So she took over and I went to read to our son, who closed the door to his room. She burst in, furious, and went off about how nobody was helping her. I told her I was helping and then she took over. Then I told the boy to wait 15 minutes and went downstairs to do the dishes. So that’s the setup. 

I’m putting the clean dishes from the dishwasher away and my Inner Critic just starts going off. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck it let’s get divorced. Fuck that, let’s walk out on the freeway and get run over by a car. That’ll show her. I mouthed “STOP” as loud as I could while vocalizing nothing. A silent scream. 

This because my wife, who has been trapped in the house for over a week due to asthma and bad air quality, is going stir crazy. As you can imagine, she apologized later, and I apologized as well. We agreed we aren’t mind readers and need feedback before things explode. That’s how we’ve made it nearly 15 years. That’s how we’ll get through the next 15. We held each other for a long time. 

The thing that bothered her most about the exchange was it happened in front of our son. He hates conflict and just wants everyone to be happy. She has flashbacks to her father screaming at her, and apparently, he was intimidating and sometimes physical, though I don’t think he ever left a mark. That said, those are traumatizing memories and she doesn’t want to pass those kinds of things onto our son. If you’ve read anything here before, you know I don’t want to either. My parents probably still spanked me at his age. And there was lots of yelling all the time. But they never left a mark either. 

So she was more worried about him seeing us fight than anything else. And in my mind, yes there were raised voices, but there was no screaming. There was no cursing. There were no threats. There was “I hear you and I want to resolve this with you”. We de-escalated, we hugged, she stripped and made the bed, I did the dishes, and I went back into the boy’s room to read to him again and put him to bed. We agreed that we do make an effort not to argue in front of him. We can’t hold it in and let it explode later when that’s supposed to be downtime for everyone. If he never sees us disagree about anything then he’ll not only have a false sense of who we are, but won’t have an example of how we resolved conflict with our loved ones as an example. Those things matter. 

So the situation is resolved and I’m still beating myself up about nothing today. And the only thing I have is this is my version of stir crazy. But instead of getting micromanagey and taking it out on others, I lock myself in a small room with no natural light, and stew until my inner dialog turns on me. This is why walking has been such a help. And I haven’t been able to do it recently because it smells like smoke outside. 

This afternoon, the AQI finally dropped into the moderate range. So we ran errands. And all of us kinda went crazy walking around Target. It was just good to get out of the house. We came back and the boy and I played whiffleball. We came back and my new neighbor accused me of leaving a note on his car about parking, which I didn’t do, nor do I care about. That got my temperature to rise. I wrote a new riff with my new partial capo, this time on the A side instead of the E side. Then I beat myself up because my timing wasn’t spot on with the metronome. 

We ate dinner and I helped the boy get ready for bed. Part of that was it was his turn to read. He saw the word “sit”, guessed at what it was, and gave up. I told him to sound it out and he said “sat”. I said “no, but close, replace a with i” and he just flopped over and said he couldn’t do it. So I told him “ok, well, I’m disappointed you just gave up. Say goodnight to your mother and go to sleep if you won’t try.” He did, and on his way back up the stairs, he asked me if I was mad. I said no, but I was disappointed. To which he replied, “do you still love me?” I said, “of course I still love you. Nobody is perfect and you can’t know everything on the first try. I’m here to help you but you have to put in the effort too. Mommy and I will never stop loving you” That seemed agreeable to him. He went to his room, I picked Ralph Towner’s “Anthem” for him to listen to, and he fell asleep. 

It’s really interesting to me how writing this has brought me a sense of calm. Not because it hasn’t in the now three months I’ve been writing. Because, like everything else, it took me so long to do it. I never wanted people to see any of this and only post it because of the anonymity of it all. Maybe someone will get something out of it. The simple act of getting it all out really does help. It’s not pretty, not well written, and just a document of triggers and the reactions of my negative inner dialog. If you read this and say “yo, this dude is fucking stupid” well that’s the point. It is all stupid. But it’s pent up stupidity that’s been trying to kill me for my entire life. I may not be able to prevent the Inner Critic from speaking, but I can slowly deflate and weaken him over time.

2.20 Prom Queen

Rating: 5/5. I really, really love this episode. Like, do I even want to watch the rest of the series? Does it get better than this?

Best Song: I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You. This is one of my favorite songs of all time being sung by my celebrity crush. It can’t lose.

Memorable Quote: “What’s the point of dressing up? I mean, that’s why some guys wear the tails with the top hats and the girls wear the hoop skirts.” -Kurt

General Notes:

Mercedes, you have another prom next year to be wooed like the queen you are. Don’t fret.

Kurt’s excitement over Blaine agreeing to go to prom with him has extended my lifespan by approximately ten years. He’s just so pure and happy. I also really love that he did give Blaine an out if it made him too uncomfortable given Blaine’s past trauma with dances, and I love that Blaine told Kurt how crazy he is about him and that he’s willing to give dances another chance with Kurt. I really think they make each other better.

Rachel, Mercedes, and Sam all going to prom is adorable and I love how Rachel and Mercedes came up with a fun way to work within budget restraints. Makes me kinda want to go to prom again

Oh, okay, Jesse! I see you! That raspy rocker voice can get it

I’m really glad I didn’t get involved in all with prom queen bullshit. It seems really un-fun, doing all that campaigning and planning. And then if you don’t win, not only did you have a really stressful few weeks leading up to the night, but then you have a bummer of a night instead of a fun time with friends. That just sorta sucks.

RACHEL. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SUPPORTIVE OF FINN AND QUINN.

Also, Rachel you came up with a corsage for Quinn really quickly. God, they just write fic for themselves, don’t they?

Karofsky can’t really pull off that beret, huh?

I feel really bad for Artie. Yeah, he shouldn’t have called Brittany stupid, but he just found out Brittany had been inadvertently cheating on him and that Santana had been taking advantage of Brittany’s naivety. And it’s not his fault that the writers just needed to break them up so she and Santana could be together.

Finn immediately accepting and complimenting Kurt’s prom outfit that Kurt’s clearly proud of warms my cold, dead heart. Again, I love any scene with Burt involved because he is just so perfect. He runs that careful line of wanting Kurt to be exactly who he wants to be but also wanting his kid to be safe. And if I’m being honest, I’m with Burt and Blaine on this one. Blaine went through a pretty horrific attack at his last dance. If my significant other had gone through something like that, I wouldn’t want to do anything that might make them a target again. That’s not to say that Kurt’s outfit isn’t slamming, it is. But I get both sides of the argument.

Also, happy birth of a thousand Kurt-in-a-skirt porn fics.

Oh, also also, Finn has a cup of milk! I can only assume it’s a cup of warm milk that Kurt brought to him <3

Kurt is so optimistic and so certain of the good in the world. And I love that he’s actually kind and supportive to Karofsky when he has every right to be a dick to him. This is also why I like Karofsky because when given the chance to see that he might be accepted, he actually starts becoming a better person. I’m not saying it’s okay that he threatened to kill Kurt, but I do think he (and other people like him) should be given the chance to become better people. Sometimes I think when someone is a bully once, they are painted as a bully forever. We have to allow people to redeem themselves. Isn’t that what we want? We want the bullies to learn their lessons and become good people? Isn’t that better than wanting the bullies to always be bullies and then have shitty lives when they get older? I prefer redemption to punishment. I find that more satisfying, especially when it breaks away from the cycle of abuse.

Kurt is hella attractive in this scene with Karofsky.

And Quinn is so fucking gorgeous with all the mirrors around her, omg. I want to be her. Also, I love that she doesn’t seem to care much that Finn is there to pick her up. Because her focus is, as it always is, on the goal not the person.

Sam, Mercedes… just back out of the conversation with Rachel and Jesse. I have met people like Jesse. Don’t get sucked in.

Puck and Artie is an underrated friendship and I actually really love it

Quinn telling Finn how happy she is to be there with him right after Rachel sang to him is such a good manipulative move. If she had been in Game of Thrones, she would have won.

Oh, Sam and Mercedes are precious. They are both such good people

Artie’s hair looks amazing

Darren Criss singing one of my favorite songs is legitimately going to kill me. The way he’s dancing with the mic stand? Holding the mic sideways? His expressions? I am deceased.

Also, what a lame fight with Finn and Jesse. Just shoving? C’mon, punch each other like adults.

THE REVEAL. Remember when it was spoiled and everyone thought the spoiler was fake? lol good times, classic Glee. Okay, but I have a lot of thoughts on this. 1. Why did Figgins read out Kurt’s name? If I was the principal, I would have said the name of one of the girls on stage. Kurt did not need to be humiliated like that. 2. Quinn and Santana, I get that it’s upsetting to work that hard, but shut the fuck up. It’s not that you weren’t liked or that people give enough of a shit about Finn and Rachel that they didn’t vote, it’s that they are cruel people who cared more about making fun of Kurt. 3. YAS QUINN. SLAP RACHEL. This shit is so compelling. 4. KURT. BABY. He wants so badly to see the good in the world and they just won’t let that happen for him. And bless Blaine for going after him, for comforting him, for willing to do whatever Kurt wants to do to feel better. May we all have a Blaine in our lives.

Also, Blaine had tissues ready? I have literally never met a man who had tissues in his pocket or whatever. Blaine is a dream.

AND THEN BLAINE ASKS HIM TO DANCE. This man is a dreamboat, I swear. And this is such a big moment for both of them, Kurt being openly loved and Blaine replacing the memory of his last dance. Ugh, I love them so much.

A big box o’Gwenvid AU ideas: A is for "Aww” and “Angst” and “AAAH”

This post is fucking rad as balls, and I started thinking of fun AU ideas . . . until I remembered that I already have approximately 2 billion WIPs already and don’t necessarily know if any of these have legs as actual fics. But it was fun to think about, so here we are! This is the first of . . . presumably 26 of these? Who knows, but this post we have:

Accidental Marriage AU

In which Campbell convinces incredibly wealthy investors known for their focus on “family values” that the Camp is a sweet family business run by a husband-and-wife team of counselors. The problem, of course, is that it isn’t sweet and its head counselors aren’t married. Campbell only has enough booze to fix one of those situations. 

He’ll figure the rest out in the morning. He thinks better with a hangover, anyway.

(Yes I think this one would be awesome in Campbell’s POV. You cannot change my mind on this.)

Actor AU

Okay, real talk this would just be @whiskyarts​‘s gameshow AU. Because I kinda love the idea of Jerk!David who just pretends to be a sweetheart for the cameras. Except I would cover it with my filthy Gwenvid hands and make it shippy in that antagonistic-hatemance-eventually-turns-into-something-resembling-feelings. There would be lots of angst and snark and sparkly clothes and I would love it and probably no one else would.

Alien AU

An Interplanetary Anthropologist, Gwen, manages to land a position on the Campbell after years of education and networking and plain old hard work. She is an employee of the most impressive warship in the galaxy -- sure, it’s gone to seed a little bit in the last few decades, but it still has its shine if you look at it sideways and squint a little -- and more importantly, it’s work experience! Paid work experience . . . as a janitor.

When the Campbell picks up a POW that the ship’s commander plans to (illegally) sell to the highest bidder, Gwen decides to treat it as an opportunity to build a real-life case study on one of the universe’s rarer life forms while it’s within arm’s reach. But the more she learns about the strange, sunny alien who was his platoon’s only survivor, the more uncomfortable she is with letting him disappear into her captain’s nefarious dealings and -- 

Oh fuck, this is The Shape of Water, isn’t it? I mean, I’ve never seen The Shape of Water but I’m pretty sure that’s what this is. Fuck. Goddamn it. Fuck.

Amnesia AU

David takes a rogue bus to the . . . well, everything -- something that’s more or less routine by now -- and hits his head hard enough to knock him out for almost a full day. When he wakes up, he’s the same cheerful David the camp is used to . . . except for three strange new things:

He doesn’t know where he is or what he’s doing -- doesn’t, in fact, remember anything after some vague memories of childhood.

He’s completely terrified of the forest, and especially of Spooky Island.

He has no idea who Cameron Campbell is, but he’s quite positive he hates him.

Android AU

Actually @ciphernetics​ and I put this idea together a little while ago! Basically Camp Campbell has a state-of-the-art off-brand helper android named David, who is a perfect camp counselor, childcare provider, and comes equipped with the finest Forest Survival software Cameron Campbell could find for free online in half an hour.

Gwen, the new (requisite human) hire, hasn’t ever really interacted with androids, and doesn’t especially want to now. David is used to the distrust, even outright hostility -- very few of the campers seem to like him, and he knows that his presence can be unsettling to humans, and look, it isn’t a D:BH AU okay? It just looks like one, and acts like one. And is one.

Angel/Demon AU

Um the perfect Angel/Demon AU literally already exists, but they only wrote one chapter back in 2017 and never updated, and that makes me absurdly sad. Regardless, David being very bad at being a demon and Gwen being very bad at being an angel is the ideal setup for this kind of AU, in my humble opinion. 

However, David being an angel trying to reform his fallen ABFEL (angel buddy for eternal life!), who probably became a demon over something stupid and probably horny, also sounds extremely cute. They’re still friends, even though that is against literally all of the rules, and they secretly meet and hang out. David is convinced he can bring her around, and Gwen insists that she hates having him hanging off her nonexistent wings all the time. 

Honestly, probably neither of those things are true. Gwen wasn’t cut out for heaven -- and probably, neither is David.

Apocalypse AU

Cameron Campbell was probably doing something dangerously stupid in the hopes it could make him money. That, or the Quartermaster was doing something dangerous for reasons only he could ever understand. Hell, maybe that’s what that weird Daniel guy’s cult was trying to do. Whoever was doing what, they ripped a hole in their dimension at the bottom of Lake Lilac, and all sorts of awful things start creeping through.

There were signs, of course -- that weird fish-monster certainly didn’t come in through customs -- but an inopportune explosion, or wayward firework, or the rumblings of Sleepy Peak Peak, or something ripped a hole in the fabric of reality big enough for Lovecraftian monsters to start crawling through. There’s no stopping it. Really, there’s no chance of even fighting it. 

The second the rift opens, the story becomes one of just trying to stay out from under the Elder Gods’ feet.

Arranged Marriage AU

I think the easiest way to make this one work is by making either David or Gwen Campbell’s actual biological child -- maybe an heir, albeit to a highly illegal fortune and a mountain of credit card debt. But Campbell gets in trouble, the kind of trouble where he’s gambled everything and the only collateral he has left is a kid he got saddled with because their mother had better lawyers. A kid he’s been more than happy to put to work for the last 20-something years, who happens to have caught the eye of a ludicrously wealthy magnate -- not for her own sake (though Campbell would’ve been open to that too) -- but for her child, one she loves more than anything and keeps carefully shut away until the Right Person comes along.

His kid isn’t necessarily the right person, but for the first time in his life Cameron Campbell has a genuine treasure on his hands.

And, like all the fake treasures he’s passed off over the years, he just has to find a way to shine them up and make him a fortune.

Artist AU

Gwen is a starving artist living in a rat-infested hovel in the city, scraping by on a series of uninspired landscapes she paints on postcards and the goodwill of friends, family, and significant others. One day, a bright young man bounces up to her “studio” (it’s a cardboard box outside the park) and tells her excitedly that he’s been looking for her for weeks; he thinks her postcards are the most beautiful things he’s ever seen, and he would like to know if she’d be interested in moving down to a cabin by the lake. He runs a summer camp, he explains, and he knows they’d all be honored if she would teach them art lessons -- and of course paint in her spare time! The views are indescribable, and he’s sure she’ll have no shortage of inspiration.

She weighs the cost of what little artistic dignity she has remaining against room, board, and a steady paycheck for three months, and takes the job immediately.

Art Student AU

Put them in an art college -- maybe condense the ages so that the campers are like, younger students? -- and have Gwen as the Serious Art Student who cares a lot about theory and form and doing things right, and she’s constantly irritated by her classmate David, who sits at the same table as her and has declared them art buddies, and is convinced that the point of art is just to have fun and do your best! Maybe force them to do a group project together and really see them clash.

(Alternatively, there is the infinitely more shameless route of one being an art student and the other being a newd model for figure drawing. I am obviously much too classy to ever insinuate such a thing, but if someone was really looking for a way to write smuht . . . it’s sitting right there. On a table. nekkid. I HAVE TO CHANGE THE SPELLING TO MAKE THIS GO IN THE TAGS ARE YOU KIDDING ME)

Athlete AU

There are 4 major ways this one can go, I feel like:

Basically HSM: Gwen is a small part in her school’s musical (techie, maybe, or the orchestra) and lanky jock David -- which is the most hilarious phrase ever but he’s probably a runner or tennis player, something light on muscles and heavy on speed and springiness -- who’s well-mannered and cheerful but not the brightest, is put into the show as an extra-credit way to bump up his GPA so he can keep sporting his sports, and it turns out he’s both very good at and super enthusiastic about it.

A little like HSM, but as grown-ups: Gwen is the head of the drama/art department, which has just faced heavy cuts to support the superstar sports program, and she furiously storms over to the head coach’s office to let him know exactly what she thinks about him and his stupid meathead jocks. Of course, when the man who opens the door is a sweetheart beanpole with big eyes who already knows her name, she finds it hard to keep up her righteous indignation. And when it turns out that he was completely ignorant of the hit her department took from the budget cuts (or maybe not ignorant, just terminally oblivious) and is almost as upset as she is to hear about it, she’s forced to reconsider everything she’d assumed about Coach Greenwood; maybe he’s not the enemy after all, but someone with whom she can formulate a new battle plan.

Reporter/Famous Athlete AU: Either Gwen is a professional sportsball person and David is the shy, bumbling photographer eager to prove himself, or she’s the plucky, intrepid reporter and David is a good-natured professional athlete who she’s determined to interview.

Teammates AU: Professional or amateur sports team, and they’re just trying to scrape their way out of the bottom of the league without killing each other. 

Author AU

There are a lot of potential interpretations of this AU, but my personal favorite is Gwen as a novelist with two distinctly differing careers: as G. E. Santos, the high-concept writer whose books are critical darlings in the maybe 3 publications that care about such things but whose sales can’t quite crack the triple digits; and as Annabelle Elizabeth, whose steamy erotica regularly tops the bestseller lists and is reviled by all of G. E.’s colleagues as “populist genre trash.” 

The only person alive who knows about her Jekyll-and-Hyde author personas (besides her older sister Audree, who plays the part of charismatic and sensual Annabelle flawlessly) is her editor, David. He’s an odd choice, as her colleagues in both fields have pointed out -- reading her romance novels with his pen in one hand and the other covering his eyes, peeking through his fingers to write tremulous notes in the margins; stumbling through her ponderous literary works with a dictionary in his lap and his tongue between his teeth, poring through them like he’s learning a new language -- but he’s the only person Gwen will allow to touch her writing. 

Maybe it’s because he always seems like her biggest fan. Maybe it’s because she’s known him since they were at a summer camp together years ago. Maybe it’s because he believes in her in a way no one else does -- in a way she absolutely doesn’t believe in herself.

David is, for reasons she’s not entirely sure how to explain even to herself, the only person she trusts.

Avian (Bird People) AU

Centuries ago, it was said, avians were a rarity, an aberrant mutation to be locked up and intently studied but never trusted. Some people thought they were antichrists, a sign of the end times, when all normal humans would be destroyed and only the strange bird-people would remain.

In a way, maybe they were. Because when the earth’s crust ripped open and flooded the planet with magma and boiling water miles deep, avians were the only ones who could take to the sky.

Not all of them, certainly. In fact, most were locked up in detention centers and laboratories when the Swamp formed, and were unable to escape in time. Considering the people who could get to high enough elevations to escape the deluge, there were decades afterwards where the decimated human population outnumbered the avian one. Those were periods of tension, outright war and tentative alliances -- even romances, the kinds of great love stories that dragged both avian and human populations a few generations along when one or both of them should’ve died out.

That was over two hundred years ago, however. Now the Swamp is a murky expanse of scalding water and the boiled remains of civilization transformed into unrecognizable muck, with islands of “land” cobbled out of what remains. This is where the avians live, now. And humans don’t live anywhere, not anymore.

At least . . . that was what they thought.

How I came out, Multiple Experiences.

The first person I came out to is dead. 

They have been for a long time. We lost her in Year 12 of High School or maybe it was when we were year 11. I just remember I was around 16. It was pretty traumatic for a lot of us. I can’t remember exactly when it happened, like what time of year except it was sometime during either the end of the year or middle of the year (even that is hazy), it was ten years ago or so now.

We weren’t super close, like we didn't hang out on weekends or after school or anything (my parents being super strict religious types who didn’t let me go into town unless it was to the library right up until I was in my last year/sort of learning how to drive).  

But right around when I was becoming aware of my sexuality, or rather why I wasn’t ‘normal’ (second year of senior high, like...2008-9 or something), we’d been writing letters to each other and talking heaps at lunch and in whatever class we shared (I think it was social studies or classics). She felt bad for me because I was such a fucking nerd, and super socially awkward and a little bit chubby/super KY(空気読めない ) - I had friends, but at the time I was becoming more and more uncomfortable hanging out because they were super religious, made me feel like shit sometimes (except the other Hannah who was and still is cool) because my family were new to the church and I was (still am) a little...weird??? I was slowly becoming closer with the kids I took the bus part of the way home with/was in rowing with and their friends, but she kind of noticed how sheltered I was and was kind about showing me it was ok to open up, ask questions and try new things I guess. 

 ANYWAY my Mum had a bad opinion of her, but she was one of the most amazing people who went out of her way to make me see myself as a person and not a monster/demon from hell destined to return, and I couldn’t help her do the same, our situations were so different, I dunno, life is a bitch and it weighs down the best people. She made some bad choices as teenagers do, but her family wasn't really there for her either.  ((My Mum scoffed at her and in earshot one day when she came to pick me up about a month or two before the incident  and said to me that she wasn’t the sort of friend I wanted, and that she was destined to go nowhere (and in my first real act of defiance I stood up for her, called her hypocritical, and continued to write letters.))    

I dunno why but this time of year I always have really shitty dreams about that time, about the last time I kind of awkwardly brushed off her hug goodbye (like I always did, I hated and still do hate, physical affection) and how I wish I’d reciprocated even just a little. Not being able to go to her memorial because my Mum still didn’t like her/her own parents were dicks/I wasn’t in her super close circle of friends. I know I couldn’t have done more than I did, even with some of the content in the letters, I didn’t know what she was going through exactly, I didn’t really GET how bad things were for her. I thought she was going to be able to tough shit out and make her break eventually, but yeah. Life is rough, teenagers go through shit, and yeah. I’ve been dreaming lately, and it sucks ass. I always have this guilt about my grief because I wasn’t in her inner circle, but to me she was the only person really I trusted at that time with one of my “darkest” secrets.  

The second person I came out to was one of the kids I rode the bus home with who is a total no bullshit person. To this day, I am slightly scared of her, but in the best way. She told it like it was. Super awesome and still is, I’m gutted I missed the opportunity to catch up over winter last year when I was in England. I’d borrowed a French CD from her as I was trying to break my weeb phase and try music from other places, and she was worried about the racy cover, the torso of a naked woman (Indochine’s Paradize). MY DUMB ASS TEXTED BACK AND WAS LIKE...DUDE, I’M A LESBIAN...or some stupid shit like that (what a way to come out, over some pervy CD cover....gods I was/am dumb). I don’t think she really knew how to handle it, like it was SUPER out of left field, and like yeah. I don’t really remember what happened after that, she never treated me any different, she asked a lot of really sensible questions, and was patient with me. I think this was in our final year of high school, but it could have been towards the end of year our second year. 

I told her best friend at the time shortly after that, and she was kinda weird about it, lol, but like in her own way...Like in a lot of ways I think she’d guessed (I think a lot of my peers had guessed before me, in typical useless lesbian fashion) because I would always say stuff like “If my friend was gay, that’d be ok, so long as they didn’t try anything on me...” “Love the sinner, hate the sin....” ect. ect. This was right around the time when Gay Marriage was in the news for one reason or another, roughly around three years or so before it became legal in New Zealand. So that was a ride. I still don’t know how the whole thing didn't get blown up by her and she didn’t tell the rest of our peers (if she did, they kept it quite and were really respectful, waited for me to tell them). I was terrified of my family or the teachers finding out too...for a little bit anyway, and then towards the end of Year 13 I think I came out to everyone (except my family) and just was like fuck it, if people have a problem with it, I’ll just punch them/shout at them and then go cry in the toilets or something - but I didn’t need to because for whatever reason most of my year group were really cool about it! 

There were a few people in between then though.

For some reason I was in a car with a fellow self proclaimed nerd some time late at night driving somewhere in town (to or from a movie, or potentially ball lessons or something?Maybe even something to do with a one year memorial to above mentioned friend, I REALLY can’t remember.)  This person was also one of the people I felt the least judged around, like I’d say a lot of dumb shit or nerd out about something and they’d either laugh, give me a look that was like... you weirdo....but never treated me any different. I think at this point I was like... .I don’t remember how it came up, but I was like...please don’t crash, but I think I like girls. And I think I also said how I’d told above two friends, but wasnt out to family because that would not be a fun time ect. I don’t remember much after the fact, but for me this was significant because baby gay me was sweet on her (don’t freak out if you’re reading this dude please, like I at this point I was still struggling with the whole admiration vs romantic interest thing. I thought you were super straight, didn’t want to take/ruin any friendship we had for granted, wasn’t like really interested in dating anyone even though in highs school that wasnt and option anyway ect...I thought/think you are cute, have a good sense of humor, great taste in books and are very kind and intelligent, qualities that I really respect and value in all my friends). She’s a cool kid, probably the one who had the closest interests to me out of that whole group in terms of reading taste and interest in Japanese stuff. I AM SO SORRY. SO. SO SORRY I TOLD YOU WHILE YOU WERE DRIVING. My sense of self preservation at that/this time is obviously no-existent.  Also cheers for not telling my Mum...she thought you were neat and I think she talked to you a bit about unrelated stuff (probably for you Halloween party??? occasionally at cycling, you were legit the only friend I’ve had that like, she approved of) at some point. 

One of the more popular/well respected/super out of my social status girls and I were taking extra scholarship exams for biology and classics. She was super popular, super snobby, REALLY EMOTIONAL, weirdly open about the grossest stuff and also really beautiful. I was SUPER intimidated by her, and she like flat out asked me why I wasn’t interested in any of the guys I hung out with outside of school/never talked about any crushes on celebrities... again...Dude, I like girls I think... (I ALSO HAD A HUGE CRUSH ON MY MARRIED CLASSICAL HISTORY TEACHER. FUCK. MY. LIFE. Never told anybody at school though.) She was SHOOK. To her credit, she recovered quickly asked a bunch of questions and promised not to tell my parents. I think she told some of her other popular friends, who to their credit, didn’t treat me any different and didn’t out me to teachers or my parents. As mentioned,  my peer group was surprisingly blase about stuff like that (probably owing to one of their own coming out of the closet at some point either at the same time/a while before me). I wasn’t exactly bullied for that, but I was picked on for other things (like my nerdiness, my weight, my quirky habbits, my loathing of all things feminine that I had to wear including my uniform, my lack of fashion sense, my scatterbrained-ness). 

Another one of the more fiery kids was super cool about it too. She was always a bit much for me, and also the last person I expected to be one of the first people to get married/partnered up and have a house/kid on the way. She was probably the one who grilled me the most on everything. Because until this point I was one of the SUPER religious kids, with SUPER traditional parents.

Once I hit Uni, I went full baby gay. Came out to my room-mates right away. No problems there. Came out to friends I made right away. Came out to pretty much everyone I met and was bloody obnoxious about it. How I didn’t accidently out myself to family until like...third year Uni I HAVE NO IDEA. 

At this point I was “seeing” someone from online, who halfway through third semester of my first year was cheating with a dude from Auzzie. I got so upset I actually went propper drinking after one of our college functions and broke down. I came out to my parents then, at the end of year, right before final exams, I wrote a drunk email - got my very patient older flatmate to check it (she was an insomniac, and still awake at 3am watching shitty tv and studying). She made me wait until at least 7am and a cat nap/a shit ton of water and sobering up and a final read through before I clicked send. 

My Mum must have read it at like, 8am, because I got an email right around 10am and it went down like a ton of bricks. Bible verses and pleas to get help and they drove up and saw me to lecture me the next week, we had a fight of sorts, in public, but not like a super big one, just one where Dad didn’t talk for me the whole summer after that (I went home against my better judgment to work and not pay rent...I relied on them for money during Uni, and have mixed feelings about that, I am grateful they still gave me the opportunities they did, but somewhat bitter because they don’t LISTEN to anything I say that challenges what they believe when I had/have to consider and listen to what they believe) and then not until like...the middle of the next year? Yeah, it was a wild ride. 

We still are very tense with each other and fight about a lot of stuff, they get progressively more racist/homophobic every year but then they have lulls where we don`t talk about stuff of that vein and it’s almost like we’re a family again? My brother is mostly cool, he’s not super on board with gender diversity, but he’s been doing some reading recently and at least uses my preferred pronouns and name most of the time...

Only some of the extended family know, basically one family of cousins on my Dads side (plus their parents), and only one of the girls on my Mums plus her parents who are awesome (they offered to have me come stay with them and help out if my family booted me). I haven’t said anything to the grandparents. I actually outed myself accidentally to my cousin on my Dads side in third year, at a friends place (I thought I outed her, accidentally, then remembered....shit, she’s out to everyone, I’m only out to friends...) - she was in a dorm together and asked how I knew my friend. “Oh, we both go to the same LGBTQAI+ support group...” I say. “Fuck....” I say. “Dammit, I owe Sarah (older cousin) $50″ she texts me after she breezes out the door to some party. 

The one almost family member I nearly told died before I could come clean. Shortly after I came out to my parents, a family friend of ours, who my parents knew through cycling, got really aggressive cancer. She was gone by mid-way through my second year in July. I’ve been dreaming about her too recently, I always dream about the two of them this time of year. I think Nic knew, she would always talk about stuff with me that made me feel super supported and loved. I miss her, and regret this the most.

- So yeah. TLDR; I HAVE BEEN HAVING SAD DREAMS. I am avoiding sleeping even though I need to be up early to prove to my bank that I AM NOT DOING MONEY FRAUD BECAUSE I AM A FOREIGNER I DAMN WELL LIVE AND WORK HERE AND HAVE A STUDENT LOAN!

Culture in Real Time

by Don Hall

“I have a surprise for you in honor of February!”

Dana and I have this thing we can’t quite find common ground upon concerning birthdays. She is a minimalist from a wholly unsentimental Pennsylvania family. I’m a materialist raised by a mother who calls presents “prizes” and gives gifts as a part of her love language.

While I’m old enough not to care, I still want my birthday to be a celebration of me. It’s small in spirit but, in that self-diagnosis we all attempt on our own psyches, I was the child of a beautiful woman who attracted men who wanted her but tolerated me. Birthdays were my mother’s way of reminding me that, at least to her, I was someone of note.

“I’m putting the blue in the toilet!”

Another unusual record skip in our marriage is those Tidy Bowl tablets you put in the tank and turns the water blue. To her, they are a sign of white trash, low culture, unnecessary expense. To me, they are an odd bluish signal of semi-wealth and extravagance. 

For the most part, the toilet remains clear. She likes it that way because she can then examine the color of her urine to see if she been hydrating properly (too yellow and she’s not). Once in a moon, she indulges me with a tab of unnatural blue with a hint of ammonia. It’s stupid but I love it every time.

We are both Aquarians which means we both are almost zealous in our personal independence and the sight of her in the bedroom and I on the couch, doing our separate things in the same space, is common. We do well together.

Our differences—in terms of how we view money, consumerism, art, reading, politics—are bizarrely cultural.

My DNA is mostly Irish. Some British, a bit African American, some Native American, but mostly Irish. I have the fair skin and propensity to addictive behavior of someone Irish but culturally I’m not one who embraces Ireland or her ways. Culturally, I’m a bit trailer trash, a dash biker gang, a sprinkling of Southern United States with a Midwestern sensibility.

I’m an American mutt.

A child of the seventies, a GenX guy who came of age in the 80’s, I’m the archetype of classic rock and slightly retrograde sexist attitudes that almost every Motley Crue and Scorpions song conveys. I still call women I meet “darlin’” and “honey” as a sign of friendliness. I prefer to throw the rock and roll horns to a thumbs up. I have tattoos but most are quotes from my favorite authors.

Culturally, I’m a fucking mess, man.

I have friends who live a more culturally identifiable life. I’ll admit to being somewhat envious of them.

Arlo is black. I mean, black black. He is originally from a tiny county in Georgia and laughs as I tell him how much he fits the stereotype of a sixty year old black man from Georgia.

"You could be played in a movie by Louis Gossett, Jr." and he cackles.

Arlo has a love/hate relationship with his cultural bedrock. He loves the food. "Barbecued pork, collared greens, black-eyed peas. My gramma's kitchen table was what I think Arab suicide bombers dream of instead of virgins." He loves the music. "Mississippi John Hurt, John Hooker, Buddy Guy? Sh-eee-it." He hates the drug culture which he was surrounded by growing up. He hates the idea that all black people can dance. "No one in my family had any of that. No dancing."

Jim (his Korean name is Junghoon but everyone who knows him calls him Jim) tells me he feels out of place when he sees his family. "I guess I'm like a self-loathing Jew in that I'm Korean but by way of Decatur, Illinois." Culturally, he is a "no zone" in that his parents tried to instill the cultural markers of a second-generation Korean kid but he was never really into it. "I always hated kimchi. Hot Pockets. Pepperoni. Keep your Bibimbap to yourself. Give me a bag of Doritos, please."

Culture is comprised of four things in increasing levels of significance: symbols, heroes, rituals and values.

What the three of us all have in common is comic books. All three of us claim to have learned to read courtesy of Stan Lee.

The Fantastic Four. The Avengers. The Amazing Spiderman. The X Men.

The difference between the DC world and the Marvel world was that the heroes in DC were gods and the heroes in Marvel (mostly) were humans with godlike power.

These were the legends and fables of growing up. These were the morality tales of my youth.

From Peter Parker I learned that with great power comes great responsibility. From Logan, his mantra that "The pain let's you know you're still alive" resonated. Daredevil showed that any liability can be overcome (with the help of some radiative waste). 

Bruce Banner instructed that anger can be managed. As an angry Irish-esque kid in Nowhere, Kansas during high school, I needed that lesson. Arlo loved Luke Cage ("But not the Netflix one. The one with the chains and the afro. I was country-black but he made city-black look cool.") and Jim was a huge fan of Ben Grimm ("He always felt like a freak but had his family to give him a purpose.").

I had girlfriends who had broken my heart but nothing I could compare to Peter Parker's grief from Amazing Spiderman #121-122 ("The Night Gwen Stacy Died"). Not only did he lose his great love, he snapped her neck trying to save her. Holy fuck! I was seven years old when I read that and the gravity of a beloved hero failing so horribly was traumatic and took me years to process.

Iron Man #120-128 has Tony Stark dealing full-bore with his alcoholism in "Demon in a Bottle." 

The entire early X Men storylines find an incredible synthesis of the civil rights issues of the late sixties. While the debates about discrimination, non-violent vs violent protest, and inclusion bypassed my ten year old brain, the ideological battles between Charles Xavier and Magneto set the groundwork for when I started reading James Baldwin in high school.

Even more pervasive in the Marvel Universe was the idea that heroes were as flawed as the villains. Doctor Octopus was the bad guy but not evil. Galactus was not evil but simply trying to survive and his means of staying alive involved eating planets. The crossover of villains to heroes was commonplace in the Marvel Universe cementing an ethic that anyone—even Magneto—could find redemption.

My friend has a kid who loves his superheroes. His introduction to them was the MCU and the films of the Avengers. One day, he and his kid were watching Captain America: Civil War and the child wanted to know if Tony Stark was a good guy or a bad guy. My buddy had a bit of a conundrum because in this case there was no easy answer.

This is a bedrock principle of Marvel: there are no good guys or bad guys. Every character is flawed and can make mistakes. Every hero gets to take turns being selfish, afraid, greedy, and enraged. Every villain has a tortured past and is only the villain out of misguided and traumatized perspective. Like the Netflix Daredevil series when Kingpin doesn't realize he's the bad guy until the thirteenth episode and then is astonished by it.

“Culture is how you were raised,” a friend tells me.

Comic books and the desire to be one of these flawed superheroes are culturally important to me. They are as defining of who I am and who I wish to be as natural hair on a black woman working in an office defines her or traditional prayer rituals are to someone raised in a church. These heroes have been a part of my life since I can remember having memories and I've been engaged with them since that nebulous time.

Isn't that culture? My cultural identity?

We GenX types were raised, in part, consuming pop culture in ways previous generations did not. Hours upon hours of televised stories infused into the soft tissue like an army of Manchurian candidates waiting for the buzzwords to activate our consumerist triggers. The advent of VHS tapes made viewing movies the ultimate babysitter. While a kid born and raised on the streets of Detroit might have very little in common with another born and raised in Idaho, both had cultural roots in their mutual boners for Jill Munroe and devastation over the death of Lt. Colonel Henry Blake. A black kid in Birmingham, Alabama could be as racially different from a white kid in Salt Lake City, Utah but both could bond over Star Warsand Nintendo.

As I read it, culture is comprised of four things in increasing levels of significance: symbols, heroes, rituals and values. By that quite academic frame, it seems that as we parse out our differences in our current multi-cultural war in America, it is a fixation on the symbols that trip us up. Skin color, hair, clothing and style, food, language, sexual proclivities and the presence of certain genitalia are all surface-level identifiers. They are the symbols of each human on display. 

I knew a (white) guy who grew up on the South side of Chicago, went to predominantly black populated schools, had mostly black teachers, and whose only friends were black. He dressed black, spoke black, acted black. Did any of that make him somehow less white and does that make any difference? I know a (black) woman—you'd know her, too, if I shared her New York Times Bestselling name—who, if you talk to her on the phone sounds like the secretary from Ferris Bueller's Day Off but looks like Weezy Jefferson from Good Times. Did her accent and nerdy mannerisms make make her less black and does that make any difference?

“Culture is how you were raised,” a friend tells me. “A lot of it is hidden in the back. It’s not just the food you ate growing up but why that food and not something else. It’s what your family decided to spend money on and what they wouldn’t spend money on. It’s those weird rituals you’d practice every holiday. It’s the clothes you wore but more deep than the fashion is why you wore those specific clothes.”

He tells me a story about clothes. His family didn’t have a lot of money so they saved cash by handing clothes down from one sibling to the next. It was frugal and smart with five kids. By the time my friend got the clothes (he was number four of the five) the strain of wear, the places his mother had stitched up, was obvious. And his little brother then got new clothes because four was the limit of the physical shirts and pants.

My friend spends a lot of money on fashion. He wears the latest trends and has a closet full of suits. He says he spends maybe a third of his take-home on shoes. “That’s culture in real time.”

I don’t dress up for much. I own no suits. I have ties but they’re mostly Marvel, Star Wars, and Beatles ties. My dress shoes are either decent tennis shoes or boots. When I was a kid, my mother wanted to please her aunt. Her aunt was a church-goer so we joined her church. I remember the day she told me I couldn’t go to church because my clothes weren’t up to snuff. “You can’t go to church dressed like that!” she guffawed.

I recall being embarrassed. I didn’t have anything nicer. She laughed at my best clothes. It obviously stuck because I still cringe at the memory. As a result, I bristle at the idea of dressing up for anything or for anybody and I do not go to church. “That’s culture in real time.”

While a follower of The Avengers as a kid, I was never a fan of Captain America. No good reason for that. Steve Rogers just never did it for me. That is, until Chris Evans portrayed the character in the MCU movies. Maybe it was my time to appreciate his retro-goodness; maybe I needed to be a bit older to fully appreciate his specific kind of superhero.

Perhaps I needed to live some life before the ideas that the “I can do this all day” persistence did me any good. The belief in something so strong that he’d go against all of his friends in a fight. His loyalty to Bucky despite the fact that his childhood friend had become a villain. His enduring love for Peggy Carter. His stalwart acceptance that he is almost a century older than he looks and most of his friends are long dead.

I didn’t need those values as a kid. I need those values today.

Dana is fourteen years younger than I am. No, I wasn’t looking for a third wife who was born when I was entering high school. It just worked out that way. The age difference feels sometimes like I was encased in ice for seventy-five years only to be resurrected long after the war was won.

The differences we have are bizarrely cultural. She is a free spirit. I am a worker bee. She is a poet in need of inspiration and subject to the mood swings of that breed of writer. I am an essayist who approaches writing like the laying of bricks to build a house who becomes more a follower of Stoicism the older I get. She grew up in the same house she was born in. I grew up moving from place to place with no true sense of a physical grounding. She is relentlessly frugal. I am an impulse buyer.

But we make it work.

Once in a while I wake up in the morning to take a leak and the toilet water is blue.

special delivery to ; @theovconyngham​

location ; catalina island country club for theo’s engagement party

date / time ; saturday ─ january 11th, 2020.

                                    Cleo Halliwell, you are going to be my someday. 

How could she ever forget those words? They were etched into her subconscious. Those words kept her going each day of her life. It was a memory and an admittance that Cleo would hold for her dear life. Not only did the pairing attend her older sister’s wedding as a couple, introducing Theo to her extended, estranged family members, who came out of the woodworks to celebrate a couple uniting in holy matrimony. It was a compact but breathtaking wedding. One that screamed Ava to the nines. All of the substantial figures in her older sister’s life along with family members drizzling here and there throughout the venue. Enough for it to not be overbearing or exhausting. It was planned to perfection. It was an evening she couldn’t forget. Not only because her sister got married ─ even with her brawny opinion of the existence of Nathan after learning about how he treated Ava, but because it was the evening where Cleo and Theo kissed. For the first time, in all of the years of them being together and being the dynamic duo of best friends, a moment of bliss had been shared as they faded away from the party and wandered around the venue grounds, finding a capacious sea of viridescent swarming them and a water foundation being illuminated by a single spotlight. It was right out of a picturebook. One of those fairytale books mother’s often read to their children before they fell asleep. Or in Cleo’s case, her nannies’ read them to her, being much more of a mother figure than Evelyn Halliwell had ever been. It was sensational as the pairing walked hand in hand in bliss together. The moment moved in slow motion. The way the glistening hues admired each other as their minds were in sync with what happened next. A kiss to unite them together. Hues shut, their bodies pressing against each other, just them getting lost at this moment. Moments afterward, he had admitted she was going to be his someday. The definition was up in the air but she took his words and run for it. 

Only until recently, her heart ruptured at her mother’s sharing the information of Theo’s engagement and his impromptu return to Catalina with his eventual betrothed. All of the hope, holding on to the confession from those years ago felt as if they meant nothing to him. Not even a single phone call or text back. It was as if the moment between them happened then afterward, he had forgotten the existence of who Cleo Halliwell even was. This is what ached her the most. Trusting him, waiting for him, expecting her best friend ─ the man she had loved ever since she was fifteen years old ─ to understand the significance of his words that evening. Of course, her own stupidity of her impromptu Las Vegas vacation had caused Cleo to get married to a stranger, but less than a year later, the annulment caused her to wipe her hands clean from the dreadful experience. Never again would she go to Vegas. That was her viable lesson. Nonetheless, she never understood why the distance between Theo and herself had even been created. She called him constantly. Texted him to call her back. It was something he never did. Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months. As she continued to reach out to him, the brunette had come to the reality of him contacting her when it was his time. He didn’t. It was her mother who had to inform her daughter of the news. Unaware of this brought her mother joy to see her daughter slowly start to crumble due to her daughter’s strong-headed attitude to stand up for herself, or if the purpose of informing her daughter was in the methods to protect her, Cleo couldn’t put a tongue on it. She had to take the information and run with it. Tonight, it may potentially be the end of the someday Cleo and Theo were supposed to have. 

Cleo’s posture in her black Alex Perry Hollis One-Shoulder Draped Crepe evening gown was far from elegant. The last thing she wanted to see was the love of her life wrapped up in the arms of another woman. A woman who would soon wear the Conyngham surname. Even in a brief gaze of the soon-to-be Mrs. Conyngham in her duplex shaded hues, Cleo despised her with every fiber of her body. One, it was because she was with Theo. Two, out of all of the woman in the world, he picked one who seemed far from his match. She would know. After being his best friend, being helplessly and feverishly in love with him since fifteen, the choices of women he dated in the past were always questionable. Yet, the woman in the distance wearing a matured Alexander McQueen gown showing off the multi-diamond ring to a sea of a woman hovering over her, stuck out like a sore thumb. She was defensive, heartbroken, regretting her mother having the ability to even drag her out of the house in the first place, but most importantly, she wishes he NEVER said those words to her on the evening of Ava’s wedding. All of these years, hoping the news of her annulment would catch waves to him, would’ve brought him back home and the sight of him on her doorstep. They would engulf into an enormous bear hug whilst they spent the evening locked away in the confines of her home. Heaven knows doing what. Yet, nothing a single thing in her fantasy. 

It was in that particular moment, nursing down a Taste of Diamonds champagne when her hues flickered upon him. The interlock of her angered, heartbroken emotions toward him, the racing sensation of her heart did not flatten. If it could jump out of her chest and right into his hands, it would have. Her heart, just being an organ that kept her alive, knew who it belonged to ─ Theo Conyngham. For a lifetime. Immediately downing the champagne, using the additional courage it gave to her, allowed her to cross the country club in the ideal moment. There had been few patrons standing by him, possibly wishing him his congratulations. As the individuals from prior having caught his attention parted, there he was standing alone for Cleo to greet. A fallacious beam worked on her mouth corners in agony. “Look what the cat dragged in,” she greeted in a rather hostile voice. Most importantly, making sure he knew who she was and how much she despised him at the moment even though the rapid heartbeat sensation she’s currently experiencing proves otherwise to her exterior demeanor. “I hear congratulations are in order.” Biting back her tongue, stepping closer to him, she graced him with a polite hug, even though she didn’t want to. You fucking idiot, she thought to herself. I have been waiting for you for years and you are really going to get married to her. Why? Why her? After parting from the embrace, her hues flickered over his face which was near few inches away, taking in his features because tonight may be the last night she’ll ever see him again. The thought of never seeing him again made her stomach churn but she held it down. Just another fallacious sensation on her mouth corners. “What brought you back to Catalina?”

let’s chat 25

So I have a midterm tomorrow and instead of studying I’m going to come on here and talk to ya’ll about my feelings.

Things at school are going well. I’ve been feeling a little more anxious/depressed lately, but I’m powering through it. Not everyday is going to be a good day, but I can work to find something good in everyday.

Things with “Jack” are stupid. Why are boys so confusing? He teases me so much which I know is a stereotypical sign that a guy likes you, but it also could just be him teasing me. Today he said, “I do it out of love” and I’m like L-O-V-E LOVE THE WAY YOU GIVE IT TO ME. And he’s said stuff before like “I love how honest you are” after I say something to my friend like “wow I’m not going to lie I wasn’t listening to any of that” and the other day he said “You’re so easy to make fun of I love it” and I’m like okay do you love it or do you love me? Even my roommate was like “Is that Jack flirting? Like why is he confusing” and I’m like same fam what the fuck.

Even aside from that, he’ll just do random shit that makes me wonder what’s going on in his head. One time I was talking with him and my friend and my friend mentioned how she was going to spend the weekend with her boyfriend and Jack jokingly was like “Same” and then my friend started to speak again but Jack randomly said, “I haven’t had a girlfriend in, like, two years. Anyway,” and then let my friend talk again. I was like ??? why did you say that ??? there was no need to say that ??? is that your way of letting me know you’re single ??? Also after he makes fun of me I always say shit like “Jack hates me” or I’ll say “Jack why do you always judge me?” and he sometimes gets really sad when I say it like he’ll say shit like “when have I ever judged you?” or “No I don’t hate you!” and I get so shook because I say that shit all the time but I never have people actually care.

Let’s just recall how Jack is everything I look for in a man. He checks off everything on my list:

- loves Jesus

- cares for disabled people

- tolerates my love/obsession for Harry Potter

- doesn’t mind the fact that I’m into taking pictures/videos

- is intelligent/has a good work ethic

- understands my anxiety

- speaks fucking Spanish ??? (That wasn’t even on my list. That was a requirement my friend had for a man I date so we can raise our kids bilingual. Like, what the fuck. What are the chances that he hits all of my points and the random one my friend threw in there?)

- I wish I had the list I wrote ages ago because I’m sure he checks off more of my random ones too

So, why did God give him to me? Now he’s just going to take him away.

Oh yeah, didn’t I mention? Jack isn’t coming back next semester. He’s going to study abroad.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for him. He’s going to make so many memories and have so many cool experiences. I guess I just wish I got to have more time with him. I mean, I still have 9 or so weeks with him, but I thought I had more. And I know he’ll come back next year, and if I try and stay in touch with him while he’s gone, there’s no reason we can’t be friends again next year. I guess a stupid part of me just thought that maybe we’d actually fall in love. Maybe he’d somehow find me appealing. Maybe he’d eventually confess his love for me and we’d live happily ever after. I guess I just forget that someone can be everything you look for in a significant other, but you can be nothing they look for. Some people just aren’t meant to be. Maybe me and Jack just aren’t meant to be.

As a religious person who believes everything happens for a reason, I can’t help but ask God what this reason was. Why did he dangle someone who is everything I’ve been asking for in front of me only to take him away? Is there some twisted lesson I’m supposed to learn? Did He just want to taunt me? In a perfect world, God put him in my life so we can fall in love. Somehow I keep forgetting this is not a perfect world.

I suppose good things could still happen. I’ve been talking to my roommate about it and she keeps telling me not to give up hope. She always says that everyone said that her and her boyfriend would never get together, but they did. Obviously there’s always a twinge of hope I’ll hold onto, but I also don’t want to be ridiculous. I don’t want to waste my time pining after him. I guess once the semester is over, I’ll be able to move on. I just don’t want to compare every boy I run into to the idea of what could’ve been with him.

Aside from all that, things are going good. Classes are okay (I’ll probably fail my midterm tomorrow but oh well life sucks), work is fine (some of my tutees are lowkey the worst but I’m powering through), and my social life is decent. Me and my friends are doing good and this weekend my roommate and I went on an adventure/road trip, so that was great.

I’ve got to look on the bright side of things, I know. It’s just that every good moment I spend with Jack reminds me that in x number of days, he’ll be gone. Lately (this is going to sound so weird I’m sorry) I’ve caught myself just looking at him and being like, wow, you exist. Like I’ll watch how his smile lights up his eyes or how he uses his hands when he talks or how he’ll focus really hard when he’s trying to take a cool shot for his Instagram or how his mouth will stay open in this wide smile when someone is saying something funny and he’s waiting for the right moment to laugh or how when he laughs- and I mean really laughs- his face will turn red and he’ll lean forward like he can’t even sit still because he’s laughing so hard. It’s like I’m trying to memorize everything about him in case I start to forget him when he’s gone. Like I’m storing up all these pictures in my head to look back on when I miss him. I know, cringy. My roommate thinks I should flirt it up until he leaves, and maybe I will. I mean, what have I got to lose, right? In 9 weeks he’ll be gone anyway, so I might as well try and show him how I feel while I still can.

Anyway, I’ll keep you guys posted. Nothing will happen I’m sure, so don’t get your hopes up, but I know some of you are getting invested in my love-life (or lack thereof) xx