#WHEN I TELL YOU I CRIED AT SEEING ELIOT ACTUALLY CRY | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

renecdote · 4 years

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Hey, I love your work! If its okay, 18 or 36 with eliot and parker?

18. “I can’t breathe.”

Episode tag for ‘The Grave Danger Job’.

The sound of knocking wakes him. Not hollow enough to be the door but—the window, it’s someone banging on the window. The big one in the living room, wide enough for Eliot to fit through if he needs a quick escape, leading right out onto a creaky fire escape. He isn’t surprised to find Parker when he throws the window open.

He is surprised at the way she grabs at his shirt as she tumbles inside.

“Can’t–“ she wheezes “—breathe, I can’t—“

They end up on the floor, Parker in a heap, Eliot kneeling in front of her. Her fingers have slipped down his shoulder to grasp at his wrist, nails sharp and bruising. She’s breathing fast, hyperventilating, and even though Eliot’s first instinct is to call 911, he stops, assesses the situation. If this was an actual medical emergency, Parker wouldn’t have come here.

So: panic attack.

A part of Eliot was expecting this, after the day they had, only he thought it would be Hardison knocking down his door.

“Okay,” he says. Thinks calm, sound calm even though he definitely isn’t. Because Parker? Parker does not freak out. She just doesn’t. But somehow Eliot’s voice stays calm and even as he continues, “Parker I want you to do something for me. Can you do something for me?”

She shakes her head, eyes wide and panicked. Eliot wonders if she’s even hearing him, but he doesn’t let it deter him. If this doesn’t get through to her, he’ll just have to try something else.

“I want you to take a breath. A nice, deep breath.”

He does it himself; and Parker must be tracking more than he thought because she copies him. It’s a stuttering inhale, whooshing out too quickly, but it’s good. It’s a start.

“Good,” Eliot says. “Good girl.” He squeezes her hand. They go through the breathing a few more times. “Now I need you to tell me what you see. Three things—list them.”

“You,” Parker gasps. “I see–I see you. Your apartment. There’s—there’s moonlight, on the floor.”

“Good. You’re doing good. Now give me three things you can hear.”

And on, through the rest of the senses. By the time they get to taste, Parker is trembling but no longer hyperventilating; calm enough for Eliot to get up and go to the kitchen. He fills a glass with water and flicks the switch for the living room light on his way back.

In the time he was gone, Parker has pulled in on herself. She’s sitting against the wall under the window, knees tucked up under her chin, arms wrapped around her legs. Eliot sits down beside her, half mirroring the position with one knee to his chest, arm draped across it. He offers Parker the glass of water, but she doesn’t take it. She takes a deep breath instead and he watches her count the seconds before she lets it out, still a little shaky on the exhale.

“He almost died.”

“I know.”

“Eliot.” It’s not quite a sob. “He almost died.”

Eliot pulls her into a hug. “I know,” he says, and it’s harder than he thought, scraping the words out past the sudden lump in his throat. “But he didn’t. We got there; we saved him. He’s safe at home right now, probably killing space orcs with his geek friends.”

But not sleeping. After today... Yeah, Hardison is definitely not sleeping. Eliot will probably have to deal with that at some point too, unless Sophie gets there first.

Parker doesn’t speak again. For a while she just cries, heavy and overarm against Eliot’s chest. It’s not loud crying. He isn’t even sure whether to call it crying, honestly, because it’s mostly just hitching breaths and empty, choking sobs. Eliot strokes her hair, whispers soothing nonsense occasionally, but mostly he just holds her. Aches for her.

He wonders whether Hardison knows how lucky he is, having someone who loves him this much.

He also wonders why Parker didn’t just go over to Hardison’s place and see that he was alright herself. He’s pretty sure it wasn’t just because his apartment was closer.

Maybe he doesn’t have to wonder though. Maybe he gets it, how hard being vulnerable is. Maybe that’s why she came to him.

(Or maybe he’s thinking about it too much. Maybe it was just because his apartment was closer. What does he know?)

When Parker pulls back, she sniffs and scrubs at her face with her sleeves. Her voice is thick, croaky, when she says, “He kissed me.”

Eliot blinks; takes an extra second to process that.

“He said—he said he wouldn’t have made it through it without me. What if—“

She chokes; can’t go on. But Eliot knows how that sentence ends.

What if I hadn’t been able to save him?

Or maybe what if I hadn’t been there?

“You can’t think like that,” he says. “Trust me, I’ve spent a lot of my life thinking things like that and it never leads anywhere good. You did good today, Parker. Hardison is okay. You’ve got to focus on that.”

Her eyes are red and swollen, her cheeks flushed, stained with tears and anguish. It makes Eliot’s chest ache, the way she looks at him like he has all the answers. Like he has to because she doesn’t have them herself.

“What if I can’t?”

“You can.” His voice is firm. “You know how I know that?”

Parker shakes her head; rubs more tears away with her knuckles.

“Because you’re not alone. We’re a team, right? And if you’re not there, one of us will be.”

Always. She should never doubt that. None of them should.

He waits while the words sink in. When they do, Parker smiles, thin and watery but real.

“We’re a pretty good team,” she says.

Eliot smiles back. “Yeah. Yeah, we are.”

Parker kisses his cheek. “Thank you, Eliot.”

Surprise melts quickly into fondness. Eliot clears his throat, shoving it all down under his usual gruffness. “Yeah, well.” And then he looks at her face again and, fuck, these people have made him soft. “You’re welcome,” he grunts. Then, when the silence has sunk over them again, “It’s been a long day; you should get some sleep.”

He’s pretty sure he’s not imagining how reluctant her nod is.

“You can stay here if you want, but I better not find anything missing in the morning—remember I know where to find you.”

Parker’s smile is sudden and brilliant. “I know,” she says solemnly. “And I know where to find you too.”

Then she’s bouncing up, disappearing down the hall before Eliot can muster a dammit Parker I wasn’t saying that to be mushy–

It’s not like he would correct her though. Because yeah, if she ever needed to be found, he’d come for her. And he wouldn’t be the only one.

#Eliot Spencer #Parker #fic #this got a little out of hand whoops #enjoy the angst #and the sap it devolved into

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female-overlord-3 · 4 years

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Me yelling @imawriteriwrite cause I had a want for The Magicians S5

Am I watching S5? Not sure. Will tumblr spoil? I'm good with that. Do I still have random fic ideas and just want certain things to happen? That's never ending someone save me from myself. Anyway here's what I would like season 5 to go like and I apparently made Shay emotional. This is literally copy and past from our convo. Enjoy.

-------

You know what. I kinda want one thing to happen in season 5. I want them to do another big quest (to bring back balance for magic/quentin/fix whatever's happening) and there's this whole dramatic sacrifice "one will not make it to the end" line and everyone thinks someone's going to die but it's revealed that when Quentin died/how he did because of the mirror world, he created this unstable universe which is causing an issue in bringing things back to some base level.

And so Eliot is done grieving and finally at peace but knows he'll always love Q and misses him but they need to fix this world again and magic.

So the people they finally find/make them reveal themselves (coward gods who just wanna ignore the problem) say a strong magicians who's been tied to Quentin must join him to stabilize their world.

For once everyone is torn because yes they know a bit more about El & Q, but it could still be with Alice or Julia. Julia a demigod. Alice who's all powerful. Eliot not as powerful but has the most control of the 3.

The best friend. The first love (wait fuck WAIT I SAW A CLIP FROM S5E1 BUT NO WE'RE IGNORING THAT). The (beauty of) life partner.

The asshole gods say the person will reunite with Q when they've decided (aka no actual deadline) and it spans another episode. Alice says she'll go because she's strong and ready and she needs to but then she doubts because she's grieved and moved on and started her life again, a good one.

Julia wants to because that's her best friend and brother and she's strong but also has started to grow back into her goddess-like hood and made a life for herself and Penny23.

Eliot has finally stopped grieving and has started to rebuild Fillory with Margo and Fen (omg nearly all the names come out as all caps 😂) and accepted that Quentin made his choice and he missed his but he can't dwell on it any longer.

They're all arguing and saying there's gotta be another way, a way to bring Q back to them.

Eliot is the only one who doesn't voice he should be the one to go. Margo point blank says Eliot should go. Penny and Kady and Josh agree.

It's Alice who asks him if he wants to go but Eliot just stares at his hands at a loss. Yes he does but no he shouldn't. He missed his chance and he's moved past it. He shouldn't be looking back.

Julia says that's BS because now he can clearly make a decision without all the grief and pain. That he's grown and healed and better. That he deserves a second chance after everything.

Eliot let's himself consider it. Like fully and truly consider it and then a doorway lights up behind them.

They all turn and Eliot feels a pull but holds tight to margos hand, the only thing stopping him from running away and running to it. She turns his face and gives him a soft look before sighing and glaring at him. "Go. Our nerd needs you."

And eliot looks to everyone but they all understand. Julia just smiles at him and says to tell Q she loves him. Alice is glaring at the floor but latches onto Eliot in a tight hug as she silently cries. "Tell him we miss and love him. That I'm sorry. That I want you both happy. Or else I'll find a way too you" she voices. He nods and hugs her back just as tightly. He walks to the doorway and it opens for him.

He can see Q and he just stares. Q is staring at him too. Both in awe and positively terrified their eyes are playing tricks on each other but Q extends his hand in his world and Eliot steps forward and takes it, stepping through the doorway. The last thing everyone hears is their joyful laughter as the door gently closes behind them.

Queue commercial

End commercial. It's a scene where we see everyone is sleeping (I can't think of what technical term it is but ya it pans to everyone in bed sleeping) and then it zeros in on Julia and she's blinking her eyes open to a white world that's slowly morphing with color and things.

She sees what looks like a small shack and a puzzle. She walks closer to it before being stopped by a barrier. She looks around and sees everyone else is there. They all group together and then both Eliot and Quentin walk out from the small shack.

They are the happiest and most peaceful they've ever been. Everyone can both see and feel it.

Everyone finally sees why they work so well, the proof that Eliot being with Quentin was the best choice.

Both Q and El look up and see them, sad but blinding smiles spreading across their face as they wave from their spot.

No words are said but you KNOW they're happy and good and at peace. That for once having to let someone go was a good thing, that it worked out in the end.

Everyone wakes up and they all gather to the living room and just group hug. Happy and crying and feeling so much before falling asleep again. The next time they wake-up it's the lightest they've ever felt, like something's settled and the world feels right for once. It doesn't last but it does return when they think if their weird group of friends, their family, when things are hard. It's hope for better. Hope for happy. It's hope to get through whatever comes next.

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all-things-skam · 5 years

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Prompt! Elu arguing and eliott lashing out and saying something really mean to Lucas. At first Lucas pretends its fine but eliott later hears him sobbing

Title: Lost and found

Ship: Skam France | Lucas Lallemant and Eliot Demaury (Elu)

They knew it was going to happen one day or another.

While cleaning up the appartement, Lucas had found Eliott’s bottle of Lithium under a pile of dirty clothes. He picked it up to put it on the nightstand when he saw that it was still full despite the month touching to its end. Lucas had promised to not spy on Eliott regarding his medication but, it raised his concerns.

“How long?” Lucas asked when Eliott came back from work, holding the bottle of medication in his hand. He knew Eliott would get mad but medication was serious matter and Lucas would feel guilty if something happened to Eliott because he hadn’t taken his medication and he knew about it.

Eliott’s face hardened when he saw what Lucas was holding. “I thought we agreed that I was responsible enough to take my medication, we said no spying,” he said, sounding bitter.

“I wasn’t spying one you, I found then while cleaning,” Lucas corrected. “And, clearly, you’re not responsible enough because you didn’t take them, Eliott. The bottle is full when it should be almost empty.”

This angered Eliott, he didn’t like being controlled. He just didn’t get why he needed to take medication when he was feeling alright. Being around Lucas stabilized his mood and made him feeling good all the time. It just didn’t make sense for him to take it, especially since the medicine ended up decreasing his feelings and creativity. “This isn’t any of your business Lucas, I can handle them on my own!”

His tone was raised and Lucas hated picking fight with Eliott. Sometimes, he would slam the door and yell and it scared Lucas a bit.

The brunet bit his lip, trying to not flinch. “Sorry to care about your health and well being… I’m just trying to look out for you.”

Eliott shook his head in frustration. “I don’t need you breathing down my neck. I can’t live with someone who feels like they need to check over me all the time. It makes me feel like I’m suffocating Lucas! I’m not a child and I shouldn’t be treated like one! You know what? You’re just like Lucille. I thought you were different but you’re not, you’re just mothering me just like her.”

Closing his eyes, Lucas tried to stay composed but, he could tell from the lump in his throat that he would break down any time. He never thought that he’d hear those words from Eliott. Lucas was always careful to not act too controlling like Lucille was and simply look out for his boyfriend but, this time, it rubbed Eliott the wrong way and caused him to lash out at Lucas.

Lucas shook his head and walked away from the situation. He didn’t want to cry In front Eliott and he just didn’t want to argue anymore. “Come talk to me when you decide to grow up, Eliott. I was only asking for your own good. If you don’t want to take care of your own mental health then, that’s on you.”

Not letting time for Eliott to say anything, Lucas locked himself in the bathroom to prevent Eliott from following. And…seeing him cry.

Lucas wasn’t one to sob in a corner like a crybaby after a fight or argument, he prefered to sulk. But, Eliott’s words had gotten to him and he couldn’t hold his tears anymore. So, he let them flow, salty water cascading down his cheeks, crying in silence with his back resting against the door, trying to contain his sobs so it wouldn’t alert Eliott.

It took a couple breathing exercises to get Eliott to calm down, descending from his sudden burst of anger. He sat on the couch and waited for Lucas to return but started to get worried after a few minutes. What was he doing? Eliott went up to the door and knocked gently. “Lucas?”

He quickly wiped his tears with the back of his hand, sniffling. “I’m fine, Eliott. I just…I need some time alone,” he said, voice a bit hoarse from crying, holding his next tears so he wouldn’t be betrayed. Lucas couldn’t let Eliott know that he was crying. It would break him to know that he caused him enough pain to make him cry.

Eliott almost walked away, going to prepare dinner when he heard a sniffle on the other side of the door. Fuck. He had hurt him. This is exactly what Eliott feared would happen. He tugged at his hair in anger. This is why he was so hesitant to be in a relationship with Lucas. Eliott could easily hurt people without even realizing the impact of what he was doing, all because of his mood swings. He would yell, slam doors and say hurtful things on a whim. Lucas was the last person that he’d want to hurt. He couldn’t bear the thought of putting his kind hearted boyfriend through so much pain. Tonight though, he had hurt the boy he loved and he was never going to forgive himself. Lucas rarely cried and Eliott had driven to him to tears, it was all his fault.

Drawing an intake of breath, Eliott knocked a second time on the door. “Lucas… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He slide down the door and sat down, staring down at his lap as he felt the guilt building up inside him. “Come on, please, just open up, Lucas. I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you. Can we please just talk it over?”

“I’m fine, Eliott. I’m going to shower.” Lucas turned on the water but didn’t remove his clothes or got inside. He sat on the toilet lid and cried some more before actually getting the shower, realizing Eliott won’t buy his lie if he doesn’t come out of the bathroom with wet hair.

Eliott didn’t leave the door, he sat there and waited for Lucas. His heart was beating fast and a part of him feared that Lucas would come out of the shower, pack and leave. Eliott was always afraid of being abandoned because of the things he unpredictable behavior and, as much as he knew that he deserved it, he loved Lucas too much.

A few minutes later, when the bathroom door finally opened, Eliott jumped up to his feet and pulled the small, wet haired boy into a bone crushing hug. Water was dripping from Lucas’s hair onto Eliott’s shirt and his towel didn’t feel too secure around his waist but neither of them minded. It took Lucas a couple seconds to hug back. But eventually he did, wrapping his arms around Eliott’s torso as he pushed his face into his chest.

Eliott gently pulled back so that he could get a good look at Lucas, “I’m so sorry, mon amour. You’re [not] like Lucille, I should’ve never said that, I-”

Lucas shook his head. “It’s okay. You were upset-”

But, this wasn’t convincing Eliott. He knew that what he did was wrong and let Lucas brush it off as if it was nothing. “No. It’s [not] okay. Being upset isn’t an excuse to say hurtful things to you. You were only looking after me and being a caring boyfriend, nothing like Lucille…and I wasn’t being truthful with you. I’ve been feeling so good lately and you know I avoid taking it when I’m feeling well.”

Lucas bit his lip. “Do you remember what the doctor said? Medication isn’t going to ‘heal’ your brain, it’s only going to only going to stabilize your mood and prevent you from going from an extreme to another as often. But, you have to take it continuously or else it won’t work. I know you’ll be forced to take these for the rest of your life and it must suck but, going off the meds without supervision from a doctor is dangerous for your mental health and safety, Eliott.”

Eliott nodded in understanding. “I’m gonna try, okay? I’ll try for you. I don’t want this to interfere with our relationship. Maybe if I had taken my medication I wouldn’t have lashed out on you…maybe I wouldn’t have made you cry. I’m gonna do this for us, especially you.”

While Lucas could see the good intention in Eliott, he couldn’t let him do that. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “You have to try for you. Not for me.”

Lucas was right. Changing for other people doesn’t work, you have to change and do thing for you if you want results.

“I’ll try for me. I promise.” Eliott held his pinky up, waiting for Lucas who chuckled at the childishness of the action and locked their pinkies together. “Now, can we start on dinner? I’m starving.”

“I’m gonna go get dressed first,” Lucas informed, still standing there in only a towel and damp hair. He made a move to head to their bedroom where his clothes were when Eliott pulled him, demanding a kiss first.

#skam france #elu #eliott x lucas #lucas x eliott #eliott demaury #Lucas Lallemant #skamfr #skam prompts #skam france prompts #elu prompts

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takaraphoenix · 5 years

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Season 4 Finale Fix-It Fic: Who Tells Your Story

Quentin blinked, feeling very disoriented. What had happened...? There was something vague, in the back of his mind. Screams and something... He looked around wondrously. He didn't know where he was, but he had the feeling that this wasn't where he had last been.

"Quentin Coldwater. Welcome to the underworld."

Ah. That was it. That was the thing that kept escaping him. He had died. Everett had interrupted them in the mirror world, he had been too startled to destroy the monster in time and then things exploded. Had he done it? Had he saved his friends?

"Your friends are alright", assured the man with the very pleasant voice.

Quentin tilted his head and looked at him. "Who... are you?"

"I'm Hades. King of the underworld."

"Oh", nodded Quentin, frowning a bit.

He was still very disoriented and his thoughts were swirling too fast for him to even grasp them. Hades gently guided him to sit down. Odd. Well, wasn't that just his life? Odd.

"You died killing the monster for good", stated Hades and leaned back in his own seat, hands crossed on his lap. "You have a choice now."

"Choice?", echoed Quentin.

His tongue felt heavy with all of the questions on his mind. What with his friends? Were they alright? Truly alright? Magic. The library still kept magic limited. What about Fillory? And his mother. He was dead. She had just lost his father, even if they had been divorced. And Eliot. Eliot.

"You died a hero's death", explained Hades, offering Quentin a card – a ticket. "You earned the privilege to move on to Elysium. An honor reserved to truly good people."

"So I... did something brave? I didn't just... finally find a way to kill myself?"

The look Hades offered him was not quite amused. "You earned this, your death was a hero's death. However, I have a choice to offer you. You slayed the monster that killed my wife, so I personally owe you a debt of gratitude. Elysium will still be there when you die at an old age. What I am offering you is something I only very rarely hand out. A get out of the underworld free card."

Quentin blinked and turned his ticket around once, to find it changed into a white card, with the small symbol of Pluto in one corner and elegant writing reading get out of the underworld free. Very... direct. But in his current state, Quentin kind of appreciated that.

"You are a hero, Quentin Coldwater", stated Hades slowly. "And I think that your destiny has not yet been fulfilled. There are many things left for you to do. People are waiting for you."

Quentin frowned at that. "Really?"

He hadn't truly felt like that lately. He felt like since the quest for the seven keys, he had grown apart from the others. Eliot had been... possessed. He hadn't seen actual Eliot since the castle at the end of the world. Everyone else had been so busy with their own drama and their own quests and Quentin had kind of been stuck babysitting the monster. Which had hurt. Because it had Eliot's face and... everything that had happened between him and Eliot and everything that hadn't happened between him and Eliot and he was just so confused.

A large part of him had wished for Margo, wished to sit down together and talk. Or even to go with her and try to help, but Margo had been in Fillory and with Fen and Josh, working on ways to bring back Eliot, without him.

Penny 23 was still very much a stranger to Quentin and he seemed too engrossed in some kind of love-triangle or something with Kady and Julia. Kady, well, Quentin had never been close to.

Julia had been there, but not... Well, she had enough on her own mind, huh? She had no time to sit there and listen to Quentin telling her about the conflicting feelings he had for Eliot and for this situation with the monster, or to talk about how incredibly betrayed he had felt by Alice, or how much the death of his father affected him.

And Alice, Alice was still so complicated. For the most part, he had kept his distance to her. Though they had managed to rekindle their friendship, to a certain capacity, it was still... awkward.

Who was there? Who really... needed him? He had barely gotten anything important to do this time.

He had been who brought them all together, he had been the one with the knowledge about Fillory, he had been a king of Fillory for a while. He had held them together during their quest for the seven keys and somehow, he had thought that after that, things could be different.

Part of him had thought that after that, him and Eliot could live in Fillory, together as kings – they were still kings, weren't they, even if Margo was High King, had been High King? There had always been four rulers in Fillory. The life they had shared together just weighed too heavy on him, the memories of decades spend with Eliot. They had raised a child – his child – together. And being hit by this life, this... happiness... he thought maybe he could have it now too. Maybe, after this monster was slayed, he could actually have this... living out his life with someone who made him happy, with someone who supported him even when he wasn't happy.

But Eliot had rejected him and then Eliot had been possessed and now Quentin was... dead. But Eliot had said – well he had been rather out of it and only temporarily in control – he had talked about peaches though? He had talked like he wanted that too, wanted to try. And now they couldn't even try because Quentin was dead.

Strange. For so many years, he had contemplated what it would be like to be dead. Had wished to be dead too. And now that he actually was dead, he found himself oddly... hung up on life.

"Can I give you a piece of advise?", asked Hades.

Right. Quentin wasn't alone. He was in the underworld, with the king of the underworld. Unreal.

"...Yes, I'd appreciate that", nodded Quentin slowly.

"I just lost my wife. The love of my life", stated Hades. "And when a god dies, there is no afterlife. I will never see her again. If you think you have even the faintest chance to find love in life, you should choose life, because death will always be there to wait for you."

Death will always be there to wait for you. Huh. That was probably right. He would, if he went back to life now, die again and be here again and he could still move on then.

"There are just... so many things, so many questions I still have", admitted Quentin. "Julia, she lost her magic and her godhood – she is my best friend, my oldest friend, I can't leave her like that. And Alice, she probably feels guilty about my death. Margo. And... And... Eliot."

"So you have made your choice then", stated Hades with an amused looking smile.

/break\

Quentin smiled, though it was a reluctant expression as he sat next to Julia, his legs drawn up. She had cried, when he had approached her. Then she had hugged him. And then cried some more. After she was done crying, she had shown him the card-trick – had shown him that she apparently still had her magic somehow. So here he was... maybe useless after all.

"I just thought, I had to come back to help you deal with losing your magic", whispered Quentin.

"Guess I'm like a... magical cockroach, huh? Can't be killed, not even my magic can", replied Julia and tilted her head. "I suppose I'm back on my quest to regain my godhood then."

"Need help with that?", asked Quentin, resting his chin on his knees.

The smile on Julia's lips was warm and the look in her eyes was understanding – like she understood more than Quentin, which was probably true. "I think you should... you should follow your own path for a change, Q. You were so helpful for everyone, keeping everyone together, putting everything else before yourself. I think it's time for you to be selfish, Q. You were so excited to find Fillory and I know, I know it disappointed you – but maybe it's up to you to make it what it should be, what you wanted it to be. You're still a king of Fillory, aren't you?"

"I... don't know", hummed Quentin thoughtfully. "Maybe? I was barely at the castle during our reign anyway and then we were overthrown by Tick and Margo got elected High King, but now she's banished too... honestly, I have no idea what my place in Fillory even would be."

"Then maybe you should go and find out", suggested Julia, nudging him gently. "After your... After we said goodbye to you, we parted ways. Margo and Eliot went to Fillory, you know. To find out if Margo could get unbanished and I think Eliot is just looking for some... distance."

Quentin hummed at that and turned to look away, stare up at the moon. "He's been through a lot. Being possessed by the monster. Does he... remember what the monster did?"

"No. He was inside a mind-palace, he says", replied Julia and shook her head. "It was traumatic, but for the most part he was... safe in there, safe from the monster. That's what I overheard at least. Him and me, we were never close, so he didn't tell me much. But he... I think what truly hit him, even more than the possession, was losing you. He was so devastated, Q."

"Mh", grunted Quentin, pressing his lips flat together.

Maybe. Eliot had seemed so excited, like he wanted something – anything. Him.

/break\

He found Margo and Eliot in their cottage. Somehow, it was surreal for Quentin to be here now. He hadn't really been here in a while. He... still hadn't graduated. All he had wanted was to study at Brakebills but somehow, classes and a degree had just... slipped away from him.

"I just can't believe he's gone, Bambi."

"I know", whispered Margo back, holding onto Eliot.

Quentin just stood there for a moment. He still felt rather disconnected from his new body – thank you, Hades – but also if he was being honest with his emotions. Too much had happened. There was so much to feel and he just... didn't even know where to begin to feel.

"I couldn't even actually tell him anything", sobbed Eliot into Margo's arms.

Feeling too much like he was eavesdropping, Quentin stepped into the room, making enough noise to draw their attention. "Uh... Hello? Or, what do you say in this situation...? I'm... back?"

"Q... Quentin?"

Both Margo and Eliot looked up at him, shock written all over their features as they took him in like he was a ghost. Which, admittedly, he was to them. They knew he had died. He had died.

"Turns out Hades wasn't a big fan of the monster, what with him killing Hades' wife and all, so he expressed his gratitude by... giving me a second chance?", offered Quentin in explanation.

"Don't play with me", warned Eliot, voice shaky as he pointed a finger at Quentin. "If you're just a-a hallucination, or some... magic trick, or something, I am in no state for that."

"I'm me. The real me. I'm... back. For good. Or, well, until the next time I die. Which, hopefully, will be quite some in the future", replied Quentin, lifting both hands up. "I'm real, Eliot. I'm not a hallucination or anything. I'm back. And hey – it's not like I'm the first of us to survive dying."

He cracked the smallest grin, less out of humor and more out of a strange sense of giddiness. Eliot was right there. The real, actual Eliot. Eliot, in the flesh, with his mind. The past months with monster – with this evil creature posing as Eliot. But this one was the real one. Quentin could see it in his eyes, in the way he carried himself, could hear it in his voice.

"Eliot", whispered Quentin, voice soft. "I'm here. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

They walked toward each other slowly, on shaking legs. Eliot's hand was shaking as it reached out for Quentin's face, carefully cupping his cheek. Tears were still running down Eliot's cheeks as he touched Quentin. And then, the next moment, he lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Quentin, hugging him like he never wanted to let go again.

"You didn't give up on me", whispered Eliot into Quentin's neck. "Bambi told me. They wanted to give up on me but you kept pushing and believing and... I wouldn't be here without you. And when I woke up, I thought... but you weren't there and you died. You died like that and I never could tell you—thank you, for not giving up on me, for fighting for me."

All Quentin could do was nod and pull Eliot closer to him. And in that moment, he was glad to be alive. Feeling Eliot against him, his warmth, his everything, after all those months of trying to get Eliot back. He couldn't imagine being anywhere but here. How could he have chosen to move on when there was so much left unsaid and undone? There was so much more he had to do.

"I... heard you guys want to go back to Fillory?", asked Quentin, voice muffled by Eliot's shoulder as he was still being hugged like he would dissolve if Eliot let go. "Got room for one more?"

"Of course, Q", offered Margo gently, standing next to them and looking torn.

She wasn't big on emotions and she felt like intruding on this moment – but this was Q. She knew she had been very focused on Fillory and on bringing Eliot back, but out of everyone on this fucking quest, after Eliot, Quentin had mattered the most to her. The three of them, they had been through a lot and it had brought them all closer. Beyond the high-as-a-kite threesome. Quentin turned toward her with what was the most watery smile she had ever seen before he pulled her into the hug with them and regardless of how strong she was and how much she could contain her emotions, in that moment she didn't want to. Q was alive.

"Let's go to Fillory together and fuck that bitch up", laughed Margo, feeling drunk on relief.

/break\

Quentin had gone and talked to Alice too before they left, before they packed up. Yes, they could go back to getting their degree – but somehow, they had moved past that. And out of everyone from their group, the three of them had been the most drawn toward Fillory. Quentin knew that was where his path lead. What Julia had said to him was true. Fillory was meant to be something different, he had dreamed of something different – so it was up to him to make it something different. They had gone to rule this country multiple times at this point, but as soon as they were in power, some quest had thrown them off and they had never actually managed to do anything.

This was it though. This was the end of the line. The Beast had thrown them into a chain-reaction, he was followed by Reynard, then they had killed a god and had to fix magic, the quest of the seven keys, the monster at the end of the world – but this was it. Ending that one had not pushed over the next pillar to fall. They had done it, they had finally finished their quest.

They could now actually change Fillory. Make it better. Make it the place Quentin always had dreamed of living at. He turned a little to look at Eliot and Quentin next to him and grinned.

"What? What's with that look, Q?", asked Eliot confused.

"We make quite the Golden Trio", chuckled Quentin.

"I'm clearly the badass sidekick. So that must make Eliot the love-interest", stated Margo.

It made Eliot stumble and Margo snort in amusement. She rolled her eyes and made a show of walking ahead, giving Eliot and Quentin some space. They had not quite yet... talked. They had talked and packed and left together, but not quite talked about what... mattered.

"I was a coward", stated Eliot, decidedly looking ahead and not at Quentin. "When you... When we... The life we had. It was too much, when I started remembering it. You know me, I'm a party boy. I rarely do serious relationships and the last I had ended in a bloody murder after my boyfriend got possessed. And that life – that life we had – it was so... domestic and... normal. It was... scary. Because it was more than I ever thought I'd have. You and me and our... son. And when you asked me to give us a try, it felt like you were asking me to give you all of that and I knew I couldn't."

"I didn't...", started Quentin with a frown. "I didn't mean to ask for all of that. I asked for you."

"I know. I know that now. But back then? It was too much and too scary and I was a coward, afraid of my own feelings. But then... everything happened. While the monster... I thought a lot about myself, I reevaluated my life-choices, the worst of me, the best of me. And I thought of what I wanted and I want... you. I want you, Q. That's all I want. Just... you. Whatever that entails. And when I came out of it all, all I wanted was to... run to you and to tell you, but you were dead. And suddenly, I realized just how much I want you. How much I... love you."

Quentin's eyes widened as he turned to look at Eliot. Eliot had finally given up on avoiding him and was staring him dead in the eyes. He looked genuine – serious. When they had first gotten together, in the other timeline, it had just... happened, on its own. This? This was Eliot, consciously taking the first step toward Quentin, admitting what he wanted. Now, it was on Quentin to take the next. He took that literally, stepping up to Eliot and reaching up to pull Eliot into a tentative, soft kiss.

"Fucking finally", groaned Margo in the background.

/break\

They were a strange, royal family. High King Fen, her husband Eliot, his husband Quentin. On the other side, High King Fen's wife Margo and her husband Josh. Fillory and its strange marital laws had made that possible. And while in his position as the husband of the husband of the High King (and oh, the irony of that, considering Fen had simply been a girl promised to a king at the beginning of her story), Quentin didn't have a proper ruling role. He still aided as an adviser. And, in a way, everything was as it ought to be. Between Eliot, Quentin, Margo and Josh, there were four children of Earth ruling Fillory, at the side of their High King. They did it, they managed to actually help the people of Fillory, make Fillory a better place – even though it took them years to fix.

And along the way, Quentin had found his own calling. The author of his childhood had disappointed him, but sent him on a quest. So Quentin wanted to do better, be better. He spent a lot of his time at the castle writing. Writing the books of their story. The Beast in the Book, The Goddess in Green, The Creature in the Castle. A best-selling trilogy on Earth, to tell their story, and very popular among Fillorians too. He spent a lot of time on the ship – the flying ship that had made him so happy and euphoric when he had first entered it. Just flying through and exploring all of Fillory with his husband, writing down their adventures. And if they were needed, the others would simply send them a bunny and Eliot and Quentin would return to the palace.

But mainly, they were living on the fly, wherever they wanted to be, exploring, enjoying life. Being happy together and with what they had made of their life. That was their story.

Read this here on FFNet & here on AO3!

#Queliot #The Magicians #Margo Hanson #Eliot Waugh #Quentin Coldwater #Julia Wicker #Fanfiction #Fix-It Fic #Hurt/Comfort #HAPPY ENDING #HAPPY FOR THEM ALL #BEYOND THE SHIP #BECAUSE Q GENERALLY DESERVED BETTER

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phantasieandmirare · 4 years

Text

Okay so this is going to be fun. I haven’t seen Cats yet and I’m torn between wanting to just for the Experience and not wanting to to preserve the love I have for the musical itself. But I know a lot about the musical and characters (and I’ll be sharing my/the fandom’s general headcanons with you) because I watched the 1998 TV film on repeat when I was younger. So here’s what happens in the musical (keeping in mind that I’ve only seen the 1998 movie and not the actual show but I know that the show is different) that y’all are missing.

If you didn’t know at this point, the entire musical is based on the book ‘Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats’ by T.S. Eliot which is a book of short cutesy poems. This was one of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s favorite book when he was younger and he wrote the entire musical as a composition exercise to see if he could write music with predetermined lyrics.

There are so many interviews of Andrew Lloyd Weber explaining what the musical is about in the 80s and it’s just as awkward as literally anyone trying to explain Cats right now. But he’s trying his best. Cut him some slack.

I am literally watching the 1998 movie on YouTube as I type this. It’s all available there. Please watch it if you need to purge the Cats movie from your brain and replace it with something watchable.

I used to have all of the names of the cats memorized. I’m not kidding. I could tell you who was singing what line in every song. I knew the background characters. I could look at a picture and tell you who everyone was in it with extreme accuracy. I had every song memorized. I knew everything. I am the Cats God.

Munkustrap is the narrator of the musical. He’s also the de facto leader/protector of the Jellicles when Old Deuteronomy isn’t there. He’s like the prime minister to Old Deuteronomy’s queen/king. From what I understand he does not have the same sway in the movie which sucks because he’s my favorite and I love him.

There are two cats in the musical who are psychic. They’re twins. Their names are Coricopat and Tantomile. I’m not making this up. I think this is only mentioned in the stage show itself but on the off chance that it’s not and I just happen to know this now you know too.

“There’s a man over there with a look of surprise. As much as to say ‘well now how about that’. Do I actually see with my own very eyes a man who has not heard of a Jellicle Cat? ‘What’s a Jellicle Cat? What’s a Jellicle Cat? What’s a Jellicle Cat?’” Please tell me this line is in the movie. I’m begging you. Because this is hilarious now that this is now every single person’s reaction to the very concept of Cats.

From all the reviews I’m guessing that The Naming of Cats is not in the movie or it’s not played the way it is on stage. Which is a shame because that would be another delightful moment that confuses and horrifies everyone who has no idea what Cats is. If they played The Naming of Cats the way that they do on stage that alone would have cleared the movie theater instantly. For about three minutes they tell you how cats are named. In complete sync. They get louder and move closer to the audience as they go on. It’s low key terrifying. I also had this memorized. It was one of my favorite songs in the musical.

Our boy Mr. Mistoffelees is not named Mr. Mistoffelees for most of the show. He’s called Quaxo. The consensus is that ‘Mr. Mistoffelees’ is a separate identity and/or personality. I swear I’m not making this up.

Victoria and Quaxo/Mistoffelees are brother and sister. That’s a general headcanon that either I came to or is a consensus in the fandom. Not making this up either. Bustopher Jones/James Corden is their father. This is all assumed based on their coloration. This is also where I mention that I used to know all the family dynamics in this musicals and who’s with who.

It’s also a general consensus that Victoria isn’t ‘new’ but has just reached the age where she can be involved in the Jellicle Ball. She has the very first dance solo in the musical and is the one to finally accept Grizabella but that’s the only importance she has for the entire musical. She doesn’t have any lines or her own song but is instantly recognizable in every picture ever.

Jennyanydots is introduced wearing a large fur coat/get-up that she can barely stand up in and then removes it to reveal a flapper dress later. I assume that’s what they were going for with the whole ‘Rebel Wilson takes off her skin’ issue. Her song/dance is tap-based. She’s the wine aunt of the group. She never eats the cockroaches. That’s never mentioned in the song. I don’t know why they did that.

Rum Tum Tugger is supposed to be based on Mick Jagger. I don’t know how well that translated into the movie but I hear they tried to redesign him into a more modern version on stage recently that did not go well at all because it was kinda racist. So let’s just stick with the Mick Jagger version cause it works better. All the girls in the group are obsessed with him/groupies. All the moms/queens are so over it. He and Quaxo/Mistoffelees have a love hate relationship. I used to read fanfiction and people ship the heck out of them. General consensus is that he and Bombalurina/Taylor Swift are a thing.

Grizabella’s entire deal is that she used to be a show cat who got dumped/a mangy stray who used to be beautiful but then got into too many fights/it’s vaguely implied that she was a cat prostitute.

Elaine Paige originated the role of Grizabella and then reprised it for the 1998 movie and that is the only reason that I know who Elaine Paige is.

The entire plot of this musical is that Grizabella is touch-starved.

Is Demeter mentioned in the movie? She’s also my favorite. Does she have a major role? Where’s my girl? Where is she? Anyway Demeter and Munkustrap are often shipped together too.

Bustopher Jones is essentially the Godfather and is the 1% of the Jellicles. Everyone loves him. He’s like Tugger for the older ladies/queens because they all also adore him. Quaxo/Mistoffelees chases him and plays with his tail and stuff like that a lot in the stage show and generally has this really proud air around him/is center stage in the song during his song which adds to the headcanon that Bustopher Jones is his dad.

To clear it up, Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer are brother and sister, they are not together. They’re also twins.

Old Deuteronomy shows up. The psychic twins say that he’s coming. As far as I know that’s the only indication we get ever that they’re psychic.

Tugger and Munkustrap are friends/frenemies. The headcanon is that Tugger wants to be the leader or just doesn’t like that Munkustrap tries to keep them all in line/doesn’t let Tugger do whatever he wants but besides that they’re buddies.

I think it was also implied somewhere/I had the headcanon that Old Deuteronomy and Grizabella are brother and sister. I think. I also think I had the headcanon that he’s Quaxo/Mistoffelees and Victoria’s grandfather because they also hang around him a lot. Ken Page who you may recognize as the voice of Oogie Boogie in The Nightmare Before Christmas plays Deuteronomy and originated the role and casually mentions that he’s probably the father of most of the cats so there you go.

They cut this from the movie and I understand why now but there’s a musical number about a battle between two tribes of dogs that they put on as a performance for Old Deuteronomy. Yes it’s musical inception. This is a big song for Munkustrap because he narrates and sings the entire thing. At one point Tugger plays bagpipes in it. I’m not kidding. Munkustrap spends the entire song being an exhausted stage manager trying to keep everything under control and it’s not going well and I feel that.

There’s a cat superhero called the Rumpus Cat. Yep.

The Jellicle Ball begins proper. There’s a lot of flirting and dancing and acrobatics and generally wild stuff for a good ten minutes. Generally it’s framed as Old Deuteronomy deciding which one of them gets to enter the Heaviside Layer through dance. What is his criteria for who gets to die? They never tell us.

Anyway Victoria performs the mating dance with a cat named Plato/Admetus (again, Victoria and Quaxo/Mistoffelees are never together and they are siblings thank you very much). The orgy is real folks. We don’t talk about it. I think I watched this scene once when I was little (also when I say little I mean like 12/13) and then never again because it’s extremely awkward to watch. I would just skip right over it as soon as the music started getting slow and move on to Memory. This right here is the first time that I’m watching it in literal years. It’s still as awkward as it was then.

There’s a cat named Jemima/Sillabub (a lot of these cats have multiple names/their names are different between productions/regions if you haven’t picked up on that already). She’s basically what they made Victoria into in the movie and is important for the plot. I don’t know why they focused in on Victoria when Jemima/Sillabub is right there.

Gus the Theater Cat sings his song and I also cry every single time because Gus is the sweetest cat in the entire musical and I love him and also the song is sad as heck especially if you think about how this is an older man playing this role and talking about how his acting days are past him. There’s another musical number about one of Gus’s most famous roles but they didn’t put that into the 1998 movie because of budget issues and not having enough space on the set to do it anyway.

I do not remember this moment but for about ten seconds a specter of Gus as his most famous character comes out, walks around menacingly, and then leaves and I DON’T REMEMBER THAT AT ALL. Anyway Gus follows it around because it’s his memory of his younger self and the heartbreak on his face when it disappears and the fact that this character cries at the end of the song and doesn’t even finish it shatters my entire heart. Gus has six minutes and then he leaves and we never see him again and sometimes I think about Gus and cry.

So after breaking your soul with Gus we jump directly into Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat who is also a delight and from what I hear people in the movie really liked him too. If you like nothing else about Cats you have to agree that Skimbles is wonderful.

Macavity the Mystery Cat is my second favorite song in the entire musical. Bombalurina/Taylor Swift and Demeter both perform it together (I listened to Taylor Swift’s version after I finished watching this and I am so mad that they cut Demeter out of it entirely because Demeter makes this song and she’s another one of my favorites). It’s the female power ballad of the entire musical and their voices/belting is sick as heck and also I used to have the choreography memorized on top of everything else. It’s implied that Demeter and Macavity used to be a thing before she escaped him. There are layers to this.

Macavity tries to sneak back in dressed up as Old Deuteronomy but because Demeter is his old flame she sees right through it. The cats all fight and then Macavity escapes and is never mentioned again. We can safely assume that he does this every year.

My absolute favorite song in the entire musical/the first one I ever heard is Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. Tugger introduces him and sings most of the song. Mistoffelees actually doesn’t sing for the entire thing, it’s all Tugger. Tugger keeps singing about how Mistoffelees has a signature move called the ‘conjuring turn’ which on stage is twenty-four consecutive fouettés en tournant and it’s impressive as heck. Mistoffelees is one of the most demanding dance roles in the entire musical. Here’s the thing though, they don’t have the conjuring turn in the 1998 movie, the way that the music is cut we can assume that they filmed it and then it got cut or they lost the footage or something so for a long time I never saw it and then I looked it up and it was awesome. Anyway this is my cat son and I love him.

Onstage Grizabella ascends to the Heaviside Layer in one of two ways: either by a staircase that descends from the ceiling, or (again I’m not making this up) in a flying saucer. If you’re still confused about the plot of Cats take the fact that they ascend to cat heaven on a UFO and go forth knowing that the answer to ‘What is Cats?’ has a legitimate answer of ‘Aliens’.

So that’s Cats. Namely the version that I hoped we were getting and that we were robbed off in favor of God-awful CGI and a lot of uncomfortable horniness (or at least more than there normally is in the actual show) and Rebel Wilson tearing off her skin.

#cats #cats the musical #cats 1998 #the only version of cats that matters #be quiet sarah #i don't know how to end this post #i took an entire day of my life to write this post please appreciate my efforts #anyway #ok goodnight

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lynyrdwrites · 5 years

Note

Prompt Magicians: Margo and Julia find out that E rejected Q and talk to him about it which leads E to talk to Q

Okay, so my first attempt at writing the Magicians. Be gentle with me, Maii. This takes place in theoretical post S4, where Julia is a Goddess again and the day was won with the power of Love (because why not?).

Also on AO3

—-

“So, areyou going to tell me what’s up with you?”

Quentinlowered his book and stared at Julia as she leaned against the door frame tohis room. It shouldn’t surprise her,that it was one of the Fillory books. Even after all they had found out, after actually going to Fillory, he still managed to find his escape in thepages.

Heprobably wouldn’t be Q anymore, if that changed.

“Nothing,”he said as Julia closed the door behind her to prevent any potentialeavesdropping and dropped onto the bed next to him. “There’s nothing up with me at all. Why… did you, see, that something was up with me?”

Juliarolled her eyes and grabbed a pillow, swinging it so that he got a face full offluff.

“Really,Q? I don’t exactly need to be a Goddessto see that you’ve been avoiding Eliot ever since we got him back.” She pulledthe pillow back, nestled her head into it, and prepared to getcomfortable. “But if it will make youtalk, then fine. Yes, my Goddess powerstold me that you are super awkward around the best friend you literally died for. Because I needed them to notice that the twoof you weren’t talking.”

“I mean,I didn’t die exactly-” Quentin beganto argue, and Julia couldn’t stop the scoff that escaped her.

“Youdied, Q. I held you in my arms. I cried. Margo cried. She’s never going to forgive you for that, bythe way. It was only the magical powerof love that brought you back. Eliot’s love. And now you’re avoiding him.”

Quentindidn’t say anything at first. He justwiggled, settling himself more comfortably so they were shoulder to shoulderand could both stare up at the roof. Julia just waited patiently. Howmany times had they done exactly this over the years?

How many more times will we get to do thisbefore he’s dead?

She didn’t want to think aboutan inevitable future when Quentin was dead, and she was still… there. She would much rather think about Quentin’stumultuous love life.

They weremuch happier thoughts.

“So… welived a lifetime, Jules. El and I. I gotmarried and had a son, but in the end it was him and me. It was always him and me and… I wanted it. When we remembered, I wanted it. So fucking much. And Eliot… didn’t.”

Juliafurrowed her brow at the certainty in Quentin’s statement. There was a grief in his words, in his tone,that was far older than their twenty-four odd years. She turned her head to the side. He wasn’t crying, like she thought hemight. But he looked so incredibly sad.

Had sheever seen Quentin look that sad before? She didn’t think so.

“Q… WhenEliot saw your body? That’s not thereaction of someone that doesn’t care,” Julia said after a moment. Eliot had seemed to fall into himself ingrief. The joy of having control overhis own body replaced within an instant with bone crushing distress. “He begged me to do something, you know. To bring The Monster back, if it would bringyou back, too. You’re both kind ofsingle-minded in the pursuit of keeping each other safe.”

“He lovesme, Jules. But he doesn’t love me, if you catch my drift.”

“His lovewas strong enough to let me literally bring you back to life. I’m pretty sure it’s the whole thing.”

“Maybe itwas the supreme power of friendship, then.”

Hesounded resigned, and kind of bitter, and Julia rolled over to her stomach soshe could look down at him. He waswallowing. She knew what he looked likewhen he was wallowing, and this was a full-fledged wallow that was happening.

She pokedhis ribs.

“JesusChrist, Jules!” he barked, recoiling from her. He grabbed the pillow under his head, and held it protectively aroundhis ribs. “If you were trying to helpme, you’re failing.”

“Well,you’re being an idiot. It doesn’tdeserve a serious response.”

“You don’tget it Julia.” He turned onto his side to look at her. “I put myself out there. I laid it all on the line. And Eliot told me that if he had a choice, hewouldn’t pick me.”

Well…that was… unnecessarily cruel. And thething was? Julia wouldn’t pretend to know Eliot that well, but the man that hadcome to a relative stranger who had actively betrayed him, and asked if she wasokay, and tossed her a lifeline when she was at her lowest point? That man wasn’t cruel. Not to Q.

Not whenhe had been so clearly devastated by losing him.

“He saidthat?” she asked at last. “Those exactwords?”

“I can’tquote him word for word, Jules. But Igot the gist.”

He curledaround the pillow, burying his nose in it, and Jules felt her lipstighten. She couldn’t really believethat was how it went down… but humans could be dumb. They could be so damn dumb.

So if itwas true? Julia was going to kick Eliot’sass.

—

“Hey,asshole, wake up!”

Eliotgroaned and covered his eyes as the room was suddenly filled with light thatwas far too bright. His felt heavy andhis mouth tasted awful, which brought back vague memories of the night before,and a bottle of whiskey that he’d smuggled up to his room under the pretense ofneeding some him time.

It wasstupid. He’d had entirely too much him time. Now the last thing he wanted was to be leftalone with the demons in his mind.

Theproblem with choosing to be aware while trapped by The Monster? When he came back, it was complete withmemories of the all the terrible things his body had done. Even now… he was pretty sure that it had beena spell The Monster had used to slit all those throats. Eliot was pretty sure he could still do it.He almost had, to Alice – as if his body remembered the motions, and theemotions that had usually come with it when he was possessed.

Itterrified Eliot, to think that in a moment of anger he could hurt the peoplethat had fought so relentlessly to save him.

“El, areyou listening to me?”

Eliotsnapped back out of his thoughts. Ah,yes. The light, and whoever had causedit.

Margo. Opening his blinds.

Hegroaned, and tried to bury himself under his comforter. A second later, it was torn back, becauseMargo didn’t tolerate weak bullshit.

Why hadhe chosen whiskey of all things? He didn’teven really like whiskey that much. Itreminded him of Indiana, and the last thing he ever wanted was to rememberanything about Indiana.

“Bambi,you’re interrupting my beauty sleep,” he said, trying his best to summon up theeasiness that had always come so easily between them. This was his Bambi, after all. He knew how to deal with her. “You know that I need it or I look terrible.”

“That’ssome ridiculous bullshit!” she spat,and Eliot winced, not looking at her.

He couldn’tlook her in the eye. If Margo got a goodlook at him, she would know he was drowning. And they’d been through too much for her to ignore it like she might haveonce.

“Look, wedon’t do emotion. We suck at it. Alwayshave, it’s why I love you so much.” The bed dipped next to him, and he glancedout of the corner of his eye, to see that she had sat down next to him. “But what the hell is up with you and Q,Eliot? He died for you. You managed to single-handedly give a Goddess enough power to bring himback. And now you two idiots areavoiding each other.”

“He wouldhave died for any of us, Bambi. Rememberhow single-minded he was over Alice? Itwas typical Q behavior. Nothing to getworked up over.”

“Yeah,well… typical Q behavior or not, it’s not typical Eliot behavior.”

Know that when I’m braver, it’s ‘cause Ilearned it from you.

It had been so easy to saythat to a memory of Quentin. To presstheir lips together and imagine they lived in a timeline where Eliot hadn’tfucked everything up so spectacularly. But they lived in the timeline where he had never quite stopped being amess, and self-sabotage was the name of the game.

“El, bereal with me. Are you in love with him?”

He rolledover, so his back was to Margo. He couldn’tdo this. He wasn’t ready yet.

BecauseQuentin had died for him. And Quentinhad loved him. And Eliot wanted thatmore than he had ever wanted anything, but he didn’t know if love was still onthe table. How did you ask someone that? For a second chance?

It’s notlike he could promise that he wouldn’t fuck up again with any sort ofcertainty. Fucking up was his specialty,after all.

“Eliot,it’s me.” Margo wrapped an arm around him, and rested her chin on hisshoulder. “I walked through a desert foryou. I licked a lizard for you. I’m willingto do… this for you, too.”

“This?”Eliot asked, the first stirrings of amusement making him feel a bit lighter forthe first time since Quentin hadn’t really been dead and he’d been so relievedthat he had held him and held him and refused to let go until they woke up thenext morning and both remembered that Eliot was the idiot that had rejectedhim. Awkwardness had prevailed eversince.

“Emotions. The feeling thing. Whatever the fuck you need to stop drinkingwhiskey that you don’t even like until it knocks you out.” She squeezed him alittle tighter, and Eliot reached up to squeeze her hand back. “I can’t do this again, Eliot.”

Onlythose words could have made him talk. Because Margo would never admit to not being able to do something, notunless she was already falling apart.

“I turnedhim down,” Eliot said at last. “I livedan entire lifetime with him. We had ason. I loved him, and we worked… and when he wanted to do it again, I saidthat it wasn’t me.”

“Oh,”Margo hummed thoughtfully. “Okay. That’s…”

“My worstmemory. And I’m not saying that to bedramatic, I have actual proof of that. An entire shitty childhood to choose from, and in the end the only wayfor me to let you all know I was alive in here was by facing down thatmemory. Rejecting him.”

“Shit,Eliot. You’re in love with him.”

“Yeah,well, love is terrible. Whoever created it can have it back.”

“Or youcould tell him you were a stupid shit. Because you seem to forget that when Q went vagina to the wall forAlice, it was because he was in love with her. He did the same for you, El. Thatshould tell you something.”

Eliotshrugged, but relaxed into Margo’s hold when she wrapped herself tighter aroundhim. The contact felt so nice. The company felt nice. With Margo there, he could focus on the wayshe held him tight, instead of remembering everything The Monster had done and…

“Eliot,open up!”

Both ofthem jolted up at the banging on his door.

“I knowyou’re in there, so don’t try and hide!”

“Do youthink it’s because she’s a Goddess?” Margo hissed, because that was definitelyJulia banging on his door in a way no one had since he was a kid and his parentshad found that single gay porn he’d managed to smuggle in.

“It’s notbecause I’m a Goddess!” Julia added, and Eliot clutched at Margo, because thefuck? “Josh told me Margo had come hereto talk to you. So either open the door,or I’m just coming in.”

True toher word, after another beat of silence the door slammed open, ricocheting offthe wall. Julia had to reach out andprevent it from hitting her again, looking at it with wide eyes.

“Thatopened way easier than I expected,” she stated.

“No shit,”Margo replied climbing off the bed to check out the damage. “Probably because it was fucking locked, genius.”

“Oh. Well, I guess I should have checkedthat. Sorry. I can-” she wiggled her fingers at the hole,and Margo stepped back. A second later,the damage was fixed.

It wasn’ta particularly impressive divine feat, but whatever.

“You!”Julia declared once she was done and had spun back to point at Eliot. He wondered if he should be afraid. Could Gods smite with a single finger? Probably. He didn’t think Julia was the smiting type, but who knew what a GoddessJulia would be like. And she looked likeshe could maybe smite. “What the fuck?”

“I…” helooked at Margo who made a face and shrugged, clearly having no idea what shewas on about either. “I’m sorry?”

“Youshould be. I mean, I don’t buy for asecond that you’re not in love with Q, because I kind of got to experience itfirsthand. And it was powerful. But you told him that you wouldn’t pick himif you had a choice? That’s just… mean.”

Eliotgaped at her, and felt confused. Butthen, he hadn’t been able to forget that conversation, where he had ruined thebest thing in his life, and so the words echoed in his mind as though it hadhappened just yesterday.

“Oh… shit,” he breathed out, because this waseven worse than he had expected.

BecauseQuentin hadn’t just taken his rejection as a rejection, he had taken it as…well, shit.

“I toldhim that neither of us would chooseit,” he said, tugging at his hair. Thesharp pain helped to center him, to remind him this was his body, and he was incontrol, and that meant all of this could be fixed. “I meant it as, whywould anyone choose me because I’m amess and I wouldn’t choose me. Not thatI wouldn’t choose Q.”

He wouldchoose Q. In every world and everytimeline… Eliot truly believed that he would choose Quentin in every world, ifit were an option.

“You twoare complete idiots,” Julia declared after a moment.

“Theyare,” Margo agreed, shaking her head.

“Okay, soyou were possessed, and Q died. So maybeinstead of being idiots about this, the two of you should talk and figure shitout, because you’re not guaranteed another fifty years to fix anything, Eliot.”

“Quentintold you?” he asked after a moment.

“It tooksome weaseling, but yeah. He told me.”

Eliotclosed his eyes, tugging his hair again.

Know that when I’m braver, it’s ‘cause Ilearned it from you.

Well,fuck. Julia was right. He wasn’t guaranteed another fiftyyears. Which meant he needed to fix thisnow. To be brave.

To theactual Quentin.

Fuck.

—

Quentinwondered if he should have stopped Julia from doing… whatever she had gone todo. But who knew what the fuck she wasdoing.

Goddesseswere weird. Julia was no different.

Besides,he was really comfortable, curled around his pillow. He didn’t have anyone to cuddle with thesedays, but who needed human comfort when there was a pillow to hug?

“Q!” Thedoor burst open on Eliot using the nickname. He hesitated for a second, thinking that maybe he should ignore it. But when had he ever been able to ignoreEliot?

He turnedover, to see Eliot looking ruffled and messy and a little bit panicked and out ofbreath. He was in his vests again, but hisshirt was half untucked, which was not at all like Eliot.

“El,”Quentin said, pushing himself onto his elbows. “Are you okay? Whathappened? What’s wrong?”

Quentinwas already making plans for how to fix whatever had gone wrong. If there wasn’t a magical solution, he woulduse brute force. Eliot had only beenback a handful of days, and Quentin would be damned if something happened tohim so soon.

Hisrambling thought were cut off when Eliot all but leapt onto the bed and pressedhis lips against Quentin’s.

The firstone was a soft kiss. They’d had kisseslike that a hundred times in the life they had led together. They had kissed like that the first time onthe mosaic, when it had been so easy and natural to just lean in.

It wasQuentin who changed the kisses, though. Who angled his head and pulled Eliot in by the vest. He turned it hungry and desperate, becausehow many times had he looked at Eliot and wished he could do just that? How many times had he looked at The Monster,and seen Eliot’s eyes and smile and wished that he would look at him and callhim Q and say that everything would be okay.

Well,Eliot had called him Q.

Everythingwas okay.

And Eliothad kissed him, opening the dam and leaving Quentin sohungry for more that he thought he could die of oxygen deprivation and it wouldbe okay, as long as it happened because Eliot was kissing him.

“Wait…wait…” Quentin tried to pull him in for another kiss, but Eliot gentlydisentangled them, and held him back. Quentin prepared for the letdown, because that was what came next,right? Something about how they weren’tright or –

“I loveyou.”

Quentingaped. That couldn’t have been right,could it? Because hadn’t he pretty muchexposed his whole heart to Eliot, only to have it crushed?

So itcouldn’t be right.

Thenagain, Eliot had said he loved him then,too. Just… not the way he needed it.

“I mean…I am in love with you. I was when we remembered our lifetimetogether. I was probably in love withyou even before that. But I was afraid. And I ran. I’m really tired ofrunning, Q.”

Quentincouldn’t stop staring at him. There wasprobably something he should do, but he didn’t know what that was. He was still having trouble figuring outwhether or not this was actually all happening.

“Q… saysomething. Even if it’s to tell me tofuck off. Just-”

Quentinpulled him in for another kiss. Hungryand desperate and so damn right; if a kiss could feel like coming home, thiswas it.

“I wantto do it. All of it. Proof of concept. I want the stupid fights, and… everything,”Eliot got out between kisses.

“Okay,”Quentin agreed. “Now shut up for a bit.”

Eliotshut up.

Quentinkissed him more.

And then,later, they fell into an exhausted sleep, because emotions were hard and they wereboth so damn tired. Neither of themdreamt.

It wasthe first time since The Monster had been defeated that neither of them dreamt.

#Queliot #Queliot fic #The Magicians #ofthedirewolves

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skittlestrash · 5 years

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little things that could’ve made That better:

penny astral projecting into julia’s mind to find out her own damn choice

like seriously, if they still needed to make it angsty and have him make the choice, they could’ve had him TRY and then for whatever reason--oh cause of the possession axes!--it just not work

realize that alice could’ve been allowed to be just as sad even if she and q were ~only~ friends again instead of shoving them together again right after an episode where he was totally not into her anymore

idk i basically forget everything else that happened besides that and the worst thing to ever happen on television.

SO, ship related:

maybe, i dunno, allow quentin to actually ever LOOK at eliot after the monster was fuckin expelled out of him?

look i know the writers were morons and thought it’d be ~better~ or whatever for them to not even get a reunion scene but even that could’ve been handled better, and so easily; check it out:

they do the spell, the bottles are locked up, blah blah, quentin moves towards eliot

penny’s like UH HELLO WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW

q is so torn but ultimately knows penny’s right, so he tells eliot and margo he will be at the medical...whatever as soon as he possibly can, he promises

then boom. he never gets there.

TADA, ALL THE SUFFERING AND PAIN THEY WANTED WITHOUT FUCKING PRETENDING Q/EL DIDN’T EXIST UNLESS THEY WANTED RATINGS.

and for a tiny, TINY bit less pain (not really), since penny has read all their books, he could’ve maybe, idk, told quention that eliot loved him back so q didn’t have to die assuming otherwise. just a thought.

ways they could’ve not fucked up everything ever by throwing jason ralph away (unless he really did WANT to leave, but that remains unclear so forgive me for not trusting the creators about this point): aka: ways they could easily bring quentin back, both in this ep and beyond:

(personally i half expected him to like get sucked into the seam and then he’d be stuck with the monsters and be like SERIOUSLY, STUCK WITH YOU AGAIN AND WHY DO YOU STILL LOOK LIKE ELIOT?? and then the monster would be upset q helped kill him but decide to protect him from the other evil monsters in the seam because some human things are still so beautiful)

(but i digress)

(someone write that though, please)

so he could’ve seen his friends all weeping about him and then been like YOU KNOW WHAT, it doesn’t matter if i not-so-low-key-wanted to die; i want to be with the people i now know for sure love me even more.

after julia gets her magic back and is asked what she’ll do with it: I’M GONNA GO GET Q, MOTHERFUCKER

her, eliot, and alice get right to that

(the others help but you know)

q totally reminds penny that he wanted to escape, too, so they’re gonna do that together, bitches

q has a metro card, which penny wanted earlier because it would help him find his way back to the fuckin living, right? quentin can totally do that now. it’s right there, baked right in.

ALL of this is baked right into the damn show, and as much as i would hate another whole season of separation and trying to save each other, i would take it a million times over this shit. what they did. what they now won’t do, which is all of the above.

because ha ha, his story was totally over, guys! depressed, suicidal, anxiety-ridden, bisexual nerd = actually fighting to live and being happy ever again?? what were we thinking, amirite??

no wait, sorry, this WAS his happy ending. dying. was his happy ending.

what a great fucking message to send.

i went to bed, slept for like 4 hours, woke up and cried for two and a half hours before sleeping again, only to wake up a few hours later for good, to cry some more. i don’t know if i will ever be able to watch this show again--4x05 was the best thing i’ve ever seen, and now it’s completely ruined. also ruined now: take on me. i sort of want to delete my entire tag and everything in my drafts and queue. i keep feeling nauseated all over again, and ragey, and hey, it took me until like two hours ago that i have apparently had suicidal ideations as long as i can remember that absolutely centered around like “wow i wonder what it’d be like to see what people thought of me if i died” and dreaming that they’d care.

so that was a fun realization in the car.

and there are people far worse off than me right now, pain-wise.

this? this is NOT WHAT ENTERTAINMENT IS SUPPOSED TO DO.

it is not meant to actively harm those that partake in it. this was a fucked up, dangerous, CRUEL decision for them to make, and they don’t even know it. they’re proud of themselves. they kept it from their own fucking cast almost as long as they did from us.

they don’t deserve to be entertainers, not when this is what they do with it.

#honestly fuck fillory for being so fucking disappointing #spoiler #quentin coldwater #eliot waugh #julia wicker #penny adiyodi #meaningful conversation #suicide cw #sorry.

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carrotwine4captainhops · 5 years

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Major Character Death as a creative writing tool

I’ve always been interested in the craft of writing. I’ve been mulling over the way Major Character Death is used as a tool in fiction for awhile, and after watching the extremely problematic death of Quentin Coldwater, (and the self-congratulatory responses of the show’s producers who apparently believe they invented the concept) I thought I’d give you the the high school level compare and contrast MCD essay you didn’t really need or want.

Before I start, I want to be clear that MCD as a tool is not a bad thing by itself. Many, many fiction authors use it in a very calculated way, and as long as it serves the story well, they’re doing their job. Many essays and books about the craft of writing discuss its use because it is just another tool in the creative writer’s tool box. When done well, it makes you cry in a good way; when done badly, the death feels like a cheap gimmick to force an emotion without doing much work as a story teller. The latter is definitely what happened with the season finale of The Magicians.

If season 4 of the magicians had been a novel, it would have been sent back for major revisions before publication.

The first MCD that came to mind while watching the season 4 finale of The Magicians, wasn’t technically an MCD, but may as well be: the ending of the Golden Compass trilogy. The two protagonists have recently fallen in love, and make the difficult decision to return to never see each other again as a way to save the multiverse from the damage caused by traveling between worlds. They won’t even be able to contact each other, and will have to live out their lives as if the other had died.

It was incredibly painful to read (it’s the first book I cried over), but it was beautifully written and a very logical conclusion that the author set up from book one. The books are about (among many other things) the failures of adults and authority when they make selfish decisions, and by choosing to put the health of the universe above their own happiness, they made the bravest, most adult decision they could. It’s a message about the hope that younger generations can fix the things that their predecessors broke if they’re brave enough. The Magicians almost had a similar message.

The second MCD I thought of was that of “Wash” from Firefly. Like a lot of other fans of the show, I got angry at this death in the movie Serenity (essentially the series finale of the TV show). Wash was the comedic relief and voice of optimism in a dark and dystopic show. While Quentin was clinically depressed, and, in the words of Margo Hanson, ”moderately socially maladjusted”, he also acted as the voice of hope to his peers. Both characters were the emotional core of their shows, which was a big reason why they were chosen by their perspective creators as the deaths that would be most felt by the audience. They both got a funeral scene, to really drive home how much the other characters (and by extension, the audience) would be impacted by their death.

In Wash’s case, having his death be accidental impalement during a crash didn’t feel entirely satisfying or necessary. It felt like a lazy way to make the audience sad and motivate the rest of the characters to Really Get That Baddie… BUT, this cheapness is balanced by the symbolism of an outlaw pilot literally dying at the helm of the ship he loved while trying to save the world. It also didn’t send any problematic messages to the audience. Wash was not the protagonist or a “self-insert” the way Quentin was; he wasn’t suicidal or part of an underserved minority group (and make no mistake, by making Quentin sexually fluid/bisexual, the producers signed themselves up for a more thoughtful treatment of his death, if it had to happen.)

The message from Wash’s death is one that is very familiar to readers of genre fiction MCDs: simply: “not everyone lives” and “people who put themselves in high-risk situations sometimes die”. Both of which are painful but fair messages to absorb.

This same tactic was used again by Whedon with Agent Coulson in The Avengers. As an optimistic “plot-armor-free” side character who had become a fan favorite, he was given an entire arc in the movie that the audience wasn’t expecting, made to be even more loveable, and then killed off in a long emotional death scene which was then used in the third act turning point of the movie. Whedon made it clear in interviews that the whole death was coldly calculated to squeeze emotion from the audience, and up the stakes in a way that a large body count couldn’t. It upset a lot of fans, it wasn’t perfect, but it was well done and fitting for the narrative and made the movie stronger, and, again, he wasn’t a member of a minority group. (And as a side note, a different creative team knew how popular Coulson was and managed to resurrect him for his own TV show and managed to do it in a way that wasn’t flip-his resurrection had consequences that lasted at least until season 5, the current season).

There is no mitigating balance to Quentin’s death. He was suicidal from day one of the series, and he left via (a purposefully plausible) suicide. His first question, once he realizes he’s dead, is not, “Did the plan work?” or “is Eliot OK?” (the friend he’d been working so hard all season to save) or even “is Julia/Alice/Josh/all my other friends ok?” These are questions that would be plausible and fitting in a character who’s journey has about helping friends and the world out of tough situations. But no, the first thing he asks is “did I finally kill myself?”

With one sentence, his character returned to the self-centered, timid, low-confidence, suicidal mess he’d been established as within five minutes of the show’s pilot. He had no self-realization until after watching his own funeral, at which point he happily and peacefully goes to heaven. At best, that’s heavy-handed symbolism. At worst, it’s erasing all of his character growth and making his entire story pointless, while sending the very dangerous message to the audience.

The writers stated in interviews that they made his death all about suicide on purpose, and now (as of this writing) they continue to refuse to grapple with how problematic that is.

Another MCD that seemed to do the same thing was Tris from the Divergent series. Like Quentin, she was the protagonist. Also similar to Quentin, her arc was almost too on the nose: she was born into a clan literally named “Abnegation” and indoctrinated from birth to sacrifice herself for her community. She wasn’t even allowed to look into mirrors in case she caught even a smidgen of self-regard. And how does her story end? By her sacrificing her life to get the “big baddie” and save her friends and family.

Like Quentin’s death, a lot of her character growth appeared to be erased in the last few chapters of the book. Prior to Book 3, Tris had been learning to question her upbringing, to think for herself, that it’s ok to look for happiness for oneself, and that selfishness takes many forms, not all of them bad. When she makes the decision to kill herself in the end, it left a bad taste in my mouth. The plot didn’t require her death, (for example, there were other characters who could have gone in her place, and as a leader at that point, the more difficult decision probably would have been to send someone else on that mission and learn to live with the guilt). Her death and the manner of it, seemed to say, “just kidding, actually the only way to realize your self-worth is to is sacrifice your happiness and entire self for your community.”

Sound familiar?

Quentin Coldwater was just starting to learn (and because he had an audience, to teach) many of these same things. For three and a half seasons, we see him form strong friendships (when he thought he couldn’t); help people (when he thought he was useless), pursue romantic relationships (when he thought no one could love him); he lives an entire lifetime with Eliot during a quest on alternate timeline, where he’s shown having to make the difficult decision every day, to stay alive, to keep working on the tedious and almost hopeless task of completing the puzzle to finish a quest, and then it turns out that the answer to the puzzle all along WAS that daily struggle. Later, in season 4, he tells us that he hopes to be a dad (again) someday; he shows more and more confidence in his magical abilities every season. All of that was erased by the way his death was written.

Even with the uneven messaging of Tris’ death, there is at least lots of room for interpretation. I believe the author was trying to show her final sacrifice as a way of reclaiming part of her upbringing that wasn’t toxic. The character went through a rebellious phase during book one, during which she seems to reject all parts of her former life, even the good ones, right after leaving the Abnegation community for the hedonistic clan of Dauntless. It would definitely be good growth for her, as part of self-actualization, to accept the good parts of her upbringing. I don’t necessarily believe that’s the message we get at the end, but we at least have the possibility. Not everyone has reacted negatively to the way Quentin’s death was handled, so maybe there is more possibility of interpretation than what I see. I’m willing to be proven wrong, but nothing I’ve seen from critics or the showrunners statements has yet convinced me.

Another (highly speculative), parallel I couldn’t help but make over the last few days, is between the Magicians showrunners’s treatment of this MCD and Joss Whedon of a decade ago. His recent fall from grace has finally allowed more critical examination of his past works, but I remember how, at his peak, he could do no wrong. He was the voice of hollywood feminism. He was lauded by critics, peers, and fans. Any voice that questioned him was mocked, dismissed, and even harassed. Anyone else remember when critics call “Dollhouse” a feminist show? None of that has not aged well, has it?

The Magicians producers, riding high off of critical acclaim of Quentin’s homosexual romance in Season 3x05, had ample chance to make the braver choice: to allow a queer suicidal boy make the choice to keep fighting every day despite how hard it was; To break rank with 99% of other TV shows and allow his homosexual romance to be explored and given the same consideration as the hetersexual romances. Instead, they made him kill himself and be happy about it, literally saying in interviews that he had nothing left to live for. Without even addressing his feelings for Eliot. They buried yet another gay, all in the name of a shock-value gimmick, and they think they’re being “revolutionary” and that anyone critical of their choices is “just sad”.

There are about a thousand different ways season 4 could have gone that would have made the writers’ intended message less problematic, more impactful, and more satisfying, and none of them involve a MCD OR a trite “happily ever after”. Consider, for example, that Zelda could have completed her redemption arc in some kind of sacrifice similar to quentin’s. Everett was much more her “big baddie” than he was Quentin’s, it’s just strange that she never got to really confront her mentor-turned-enemy. Consider that, since Quentin’s main focus and motivation all season was to get Eliot back, that he actually succeeds, but, their reunion and relationship is strained. If we must push this idea that “magic comes from pain”, think how much more painful it would be to be to have Eliot finally confess his love to Quentin, but now Quentin is unable to pursue that relationship because of all the trauma he’s suffered at the hands of Eliot’s possessed body all season. Consider that he finally breaks under the strain and excuses himself from further questing, which would easily allow Julia, Kady, or Alice to get more screentime. (I mean, this is just stuff off the top of my head. For a hundred other ideas, check out Archive of Our Own).

They did just about everything wrong with this particular major character death, and I don’t think their choice is going to age well in the years to come.

#cw: suicide #cw: self harm #the magicians #spoilers #season 4 #meta analysis #writing about writing #words about words #major character death #quentin coldwater #bury your gays

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terapsina · 5 years

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what’s the point of greater good - Queliot & Wickoff

--- ao3 ---

She waits until Penny’s back upstairs sleeping off the Monster induced headache, before going down to find Quentin.

She finds him stubbornly looking through the mountain of books, searching for any and every scrap of information on Enyalius they can get. He looks like he hasn’t slept since the moment weeks ago when Eliot managed to surface for those brief few moments to tell them he was alive. Hope’s a bitch that way.

“We need to stop him Q.” Julia says, from behind him.

Quentin’s shoulders freeze in place and he leans forward, hands clenching the spine of the book he’d just been about to pick up.

“You think I don’t know that?” Quentin says, his back still turned to her and voice strained with barely contained anger. “What do you think we’ve been doing this whole time Jules?”

Julia swallows and fights back the urge to just leave it alone. The grief and loss and rage that’s poring out of Q with his every breath is like ice to her own heart. He’s her best friend, it’s torture to see him like this and not be able to help.

But she needs to say this. The information Eliot gave Penny is too big. They need to talk about it, about what they’re doing.

“We can’t let him bring back his sister, I know you care about Eliot but-”

“Stop!” Quentin shouts and slams his fist into the table before finally whirling around to face her.

“I know Q.” Julia says and steps forward, gently grabbing his hand and pulling it up to check the damage. The knuckles are bleeding, not badly but Julia’s still overwhelmed by the useless wish that she’d still have her ability to heal. “But we can’t unleash a second monster on the world, we can’t even keep this one in check. I know the price of stopping him is-”

“Is not happening. We’re not sacrificing Eliot for some shitshow of a greater good. Fuck greater good!” Quentin says, glaring at her and pulling away his hand. She lets him, just watches as he starts pacing in front of her aggressively.

“You want to get Eliot back. I get it, I do. But-”

“But nothing. We’re getting him back and don’t you dare tell me it’s selfish, I don’t care.” He says and then catches her eyes, something spiteful crossing his face before he lands a blow Julia doesn’t expect. “And don’t pretend you wouldn’t do it if it were Kady!”

Julia’s heart stutters in her chest and she flinches at the unexpected name.

“That’s-” She starts, feeling suddenly thrown off course.

“It’s not different.” Quentin barks at once.

“I wasn’t going to say that.” Julia says.

“Right.” Quentin scoffs, rolling his eyes like he doesn’t believe her.

“I wasn’t. Q, I know you lo... I know what he means to you.” Julia says, stuttering over the word she meant to use. But somehow it doesn’t feel right, to use it without hearing it from Q first, no matter how sure she is that it’s the right word. “I know.”

And at the suddenly broken look that forms like cracks across Q’s face she rushes forward to grab her best friend in a hug. He’s shuddering, like he’s barely holding back the sobs he’s been keeping in for too long.

“I love him.” He whispers into her neck and her eyes close on her own tears as her best friend inhales one more deep breath and breaks.

“I know, Q.” She whispers into his hair.

“I miss him so goddamn much, it hurts to breathe.” He sobs as they slide to the ground, Quentin still heavy in her arms. “Jules, I can’t... I can’t.”

“I know. I know. It’s okay, Q.” Jules says, even though it’s anything but.

She doesn’t know how long they spend like that. With Quentin crying like his soul is being torn to pieces and Julia trying to hold him together in the only way she can.

“I’m sorry about throwing Kady in your face.” Quentin eventually says once he’s cried himself out, silence interrupted only by brief wet hitches of breath. They’re still on the floor, backs to the table that’s holding the research they’re both too raw to get back to.

“It’s alright.” Julia says after a hesitant moment and clears her throat, trying to hide the awkward pitch in her voice.

“It’s not.” Quentin says and when Julia manages to gather the courage to flick her eyes to him they get caught by the sympathy in them.

Kady’s a complicated mess for her.

All unsaid emotion, missed moments and longing that’s amounted to pretty much just pain.

“How did you know how I... feel... about her?” Julia asks, unable to help herself. She doesn’t think she’s been that obvious, doesn’t think even Kady knows, and she never actually tried to hide from her.

“Probably same way you saw how I feel about Eliot.” Quentin says, his lips twitching into an exhausted reflection of a smile.

She laughs, hands rubbing over her eyes, wiping away the salt from her cheeks. They’ve known each other since kindergarten, Julia knows Quentin better than she knows just about anyone else. Seeing that he was in love with Eliot didn’t really take much, she’d suspected even before the moment in the park where his eyes went from hopeless apathy to a burst of light so bright it’s been keeping him afloat since, that was just the thing that confirmed it.

So yes, it’s not hard to imagine her own heart is just as obvious to him, as his is to her.

“Yeah.” She says and drops forward to hit her head against her knees with a groan.

“Have you, you know? Told her?” Quentin asks, something like actual curiosity entering his voice. It’s the first real spark of Q she’s seen since he’s been forced to become the babysitter to the sociopathic god-killer wearing the face of the man he loves.

“No.” Julia admits. “You?”

“Yeah.” Quentin answers and Julia pulls up her head to look at him in surprise. Then again Q was always the brave one.

“How’d it go?” She asks, afraid she already knows, she doesn’t really know Eliot well enough to have been able to tell but she hadn’t noticed Q wearing a smitten, honeymoon face while they were on the key quest.

“Doesn’t matter.” Quentin says, his expression turning shuttered and closed off.

“Oh.” Julia says, wishing it was possible to go off and punch Eliot in the nose for apparently having broken her friend’s heart.

Unfortunately there’s very little point when Q’s heart is bleeding far more because of the Monster currently possessing him, and she can’t really blame Eliot for that one.

“Love sucks.” Quentin announces after a minute of staring into thin air.

“Really does.” Julia agrees, mind on James, - which feels like a lifetime ago now but somehow still stings, - on Penny, who’s sweet and kind and someone she could almost imagine falling for if she didn’t know that it would hurt Kady.

And she knows that much, even if she’s not sure if it would be because of Julia or because of the Penny she lost.

Mind on Kady, who’s somehow weaved her way into both the best and worst of Julia's memories. So much a part of the person she’s become she doesn’t know how not to love her.

“I’m still getting him back.” Quentin says, pulling Julia out of her wandering thoughts back to the problem at hand. Problem at hand of course being the fact they’re about to unleash a second primordial evil onto the world because Quentin isn’t willing to risk Eliot.

And Julia can’t say she blames him. Isn’t really the person who gets to cast stones here.

She’d once saved a monster out of a quest for vengeance. Quentin was doing it in the name of love.

She just hopes they’re able to save Eliot without causing an apocalypse this time.

#queliot #wickoff #julia wicker #quentin coldwater #the magicians #queliot fic #wickoff fic #the magicians fic #fanfic #otp: proof of concept #otp: best bitches forever #bff: julia x quentin #one shot #i'm gonna deal with whatever embarrassing spelling mistakes i've missed tomorrow #i hope it's readable tho

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almostrealdudes · 5 years

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Data Recovery (Elliot Alderson x fem!OC)

Pairing: Elliot Alderson x Sophia (OC) Word count: 1.4k Warnings: None Summary: I dreamt of you again. I’d tell you all about it, but I think you already know. I think you saw me too. Our dreams are synchronized. Or was it the reality? I can’t tell. Good things are usually not real in my life. I’m used to it. After everything, it’s hard to believe for something that wonderful to be real. But I still want it to be. Tell me you’re real. Please. A/N: And it’s finally here! The story is getting longer than I intended it to be, but the good news is - I’m slowly figuring out the plot of this thing ahahaaha

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4

Hi. Sorry I kept you in the dark for some time. I needed to clear my head. I figured too much reflexivity would be bad for me. Don’t worry, I’m still skeptical. But if you can’t stop a madman, just let them do what they want, that way it will be over faster.

I want to believe Sophia. I really do. But I can’t. I’m letting her do it her way. Not for her, but for me. I need to prove myself it’s not real. And it’s better to regret something you’ve done than something you wish you’ve done.

We had another date today. If that’s what you want to call it. It was less impulsive. Less emotional. We didn’t kiss. We talked. I think it’s the most normal I’ve seen her. She wasn’t bouncing around or doing anything unpredictable. She’s going to spend the night at my place, to prove a point. Not gonna lie, deep down inside I’m hoping she will convince me. But I really doubt it.

“So, what do you wanna know?”

I told her if we were to do this, she had to tell me more about herself.

“Everything.”

“Didn’t you hack me? Nowadays, it’s all you need to know.”

“I don’t care for that. Besides, it’s obviously fake.”

“Damn. I thought I had a good cover-up.”

“For common users – maybe.”

We’re at the pier. It smells like ocean and rain. If I was superstitious, I’d say Sophia’s mood affects the weather. But that’s impossible, right?

“So?” It’s so obvious she doesn’t want to talk about herself. She keeps avoiding all the questions since the second we met. Too bad cause I’m not backing off.

She looks at me. Her smile is sad. She realizes the conversation is inevitable.

“Who are you?”

“I don’t really know what to tell you.” She looks away, at the ocean, hugging herself. She feels exposed. “I’m nobody. Like millions of others. I eat, I sleep, I pay bills. I rent a shitty apartment in the city center in hopes that the street noise will be louder than my own loneliness. I avoid silence because it makes me think. I work 9 to 5, my friends are people from my work circle who I have nothing in common with but who I still talk to and go out with because I have nothing better to do in my free time. I’ve had a shitty childhood and bad genes, both of which have granted me my current mental record. I’m bipolar, I have anxiety and depression, but this I guess you know already. I stuff myself with medication provided by our healthcare system, which only numbs me more. I don’t have hobbies, I’m not particularly good at anything. I cry myself to sleep. It’s pretty miserable.”

“Everyone cries.”

“No. not crying. My whole life. It’s pathetic. Was.”

She finally looks back at me. Her eyes are watery.

“Elliot, when I met you, I felt my life begin. It received purpose. I’ve never known what purpose even is, I’ve never had one. But now it feels like I do. It feels like my existence finally has meaning. It sounds cliché and stupid, I know. But it’s true. Those dreams I’m having, memories of alternative lives, it’s all I have. I know you’d rather do anything else but listen to me talk about it, but I swear on my fucking life it’s true.”

I watch her eyes shift around my features, looking for a reaction. So that’s her. Little, vulnerable, endlessly sad. Desperate for intimacy, desperate to feel something apart from her everyday suburban suffering. She hates it. We’re a lot more similar than I thought.

“You have to understand how I feel.”

“I do. Your reaction is only fair. My plan was to wait a lot more before telling you. But the way I feel around you – it’s too much to handle on my own.”

Well, at least we can agree on that.

“I know what you mean.”

She smiles, happy with my answer.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Please don’t run away, okay?”

“Now that you’ve mentioned it.” I joke. I guess I’m finally feeling comfortable enough. She giggles and stands up. I watch her go to the restroom door. Yeah. I can lie to myself how much I want but we both know I can’t be indifferent to her no matter how hard I try.

“Oh, come on.”

He’s back.

“Yeah, and it’s about damn time! Can’t leave you for even a second, you immediately start making questionable choices.”

“I’ve been quite good until this exact second, actually.”

“Oh yeah, you have. How’s dealing with a lunatic been treating you? Have you finally lost your last bits of sanity?”

“With you here, I probably will.”

“Don’t get this twisted, kid. I’m the only thing that helps you think clearly.”

“Yeah. Talking to my imaginary dead father is really helping my mental health.”

“And talking to her?”

“When I’m with Sophia I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.”

“She is bipolar! They are fun to have around when they’re at their best, but next thing you know – she’s gonna try to cut herself, or you, what’s worse.”

“She’s taking her meds.”

“Are you defending her? Jesus, haven’t you learned a thing by now? How many people are you going to shield until they stab you from the back?”

“I think you should go.”

“We are one. You know what that means? It means I’m saying what you’re thinking. You’re full of doubts and you just don’t want to admit it because apparently, some crazy fairytale is worth it.”

“Or maybe the only thing preventing me from being happy is me. You, to be specific.”

“This is just an unjustified risk.”

“What is? My happiness? You know, as much as we talk about taking care of me, my well-being never seems to be a top priority.”

“It is. But this is not a way to achieve it.”

“Hey, so you didn’t run after all! That says something.” It’s Sophia.

Mr. Robot had enough spotlight for today. I don’t want to give him any more attention. I’ve been doing great before he got here, you saw it yourself. Wouldn’t you agree I’m better off without him?

“Are you ready to go?”

I am.

“Elliot? What’s wrong?”

I said I am.

Huh?

Can’t she hear me? What’s going on? Where is she looking? Why—

Oh no.

“So you’re Sophia.”

You fucking asshole. Stop it.

“Wh—Eliot, are you high? What happened when I was in the bathroom?”

Don’t.

“How long are you planning on fucking around with him?”

Let me back in, you’re ruining it!

“Enough of this. It’s been fun, but all things come to an end. I’m pretty sure now is a great time to stop this one.”

Don’t, you’ll make her leave!

“Who are you?”

I can see Sophia’s brows frowning. Her gaze has changed. I haven’t seen this before. She’s suddenly so serious, cautious. She can tell.

“Does it matter?”

“Who are you?” Sophia repeats, adding more force to her voice.

“Your dear Elliot calls me Mr. Robot. Too predictable, if you ask me, but I don’t complain. I’m afraid he is way too sentimental to take a sober view of this situation, so I had to step in. I’m here to tell you that we no longer share common interests.”

“You and me – no. But whatever it is I share with Elliot, it’s only his business and mine. I don’t think it concerns you.”

“Whatever concerns Elliot – concerns me too.”

“Does he even want you here?”

No, I don’t.

“Yes, he does.”

“Elliot, if you want me to leave – I will. But if you want me to stay, please tell me.

No.

No, I don’t want her to leave.

I don’t fucking care if she’s right or not, I don’t want her to leave.

I think I can reclaim control, at least a little. I have to.

“Elliot, don’t!”

I manage to grab Sophia’s hand. She finally looks at me. God, finally. I hear Mr. Robot clicking his tongue behind me, but I don’t care about him anymore. If anything, he proved the one thing I couldn’t fully figure out. I can’t bear being away from her.

“Sorry.” It’s all I manage to blurt out. It’s suddenly hard to speak. Everything’s blurry.

“Let’s go home.”

#elliot alderson #elliot alderson x oc #elliot alderson x reader #mr robot #mr robot imagine #rami malek #elliot alderson imagine

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themagiciansreccenter · 5 years

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Five @ Five @high-queen-margo

As a part of our author spotlight, we’ve asked each writer to highlight 5 fics and tell us a little about their experience writing (or reading) them.

Just To Bring You Home

“Can you go make sure the horses are ready?” Margo said. “The regular ones. We don’t ride the ones who can talk—not on business, anyway.”

“Riding?” Kady said. “As in, out in the open, where you got attacked last time?”

“You’re my bodyguard, not my mother,” Margo said. “Do your job and it should be fine, right?”

Kady sighed. “Fine,” she said. “Then we’re taking a different route than you did before.”

“Whatever. There are a billion of them,” Margo said. She drew one of the scrolls out of the sack and handed it to Kady. “Here’s a map. Take your pick.”

Kady unrolled the map and studied it while Margo fastened a plain black cloak over her dress. It was hard to tell which paths would be best, but she settled on one arcing in the opposite direction from the main road.

Margo’s horse, which Kady didn’t even know she had, was a dapple gray Andalusian mare with an impossibly long mane and tail. She swung up into the saddle with surprisingly practiced ease, and it struck Kady how comfortable Margo was in this world. It was no longer the fantasy world of a children’s book; it was Margo’s world, literally, and it was no wonder she came back here after her best friend died. Kady wondered how long she would have to live here before she considered it home, too.

This is a BattleKing bodyguard near-future AU. I didn't realize until early season 4 that Kady had only been to Fillory once on-screen, and I wanted to explore how she would adapt to living there with someone who knew Fillory and loved it despite its problems. It was challenging to write something focused on two such strong personalities, but it was also very interesting to figure out where they clashed, where they related to one another, and how they'd grow to love each other.

Echoes

“Janet—”

“It’s Margo, actually.”

Sam reached out and squeezed Margo’s shoulder. “Margo,” she said. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Margo stared up at her, at the face both familiar and unfamiliar, and she could tell Sam meant it. Maybe Kady wouldn’t have, had she been herself and had she known who Margo really was—they never had gotten along particularly well—but Sam wanted nothing more in that moment than to soothe her. Tears prickled in Margo’s eyes.

“They’re my friends,” she whispered. “And yours. Quentin, Julia…Eliot. And they’re missing. They aren’t supposed to be missing.”

Sam brushed Margo’s hair away from her face and gently moved her thumb over her cheek to wipe a tear away. “We were—are—pretty close, aren’t we? All of us?”

Some of us, Margo thought, but she nodded. There was no point in telling the truth and driving her away when her real memories would do it soon enough. Sam slid her hands down Margo’s arms and took her hands in her own, and Margo tried to see through Sam’s face to Kady’s. They looked similar in a way: the strong jawline, the sharp eyes. She could even imagine the words in Kady’s voice. Maybe this is what Kady would have been like if she’d had a better life, and maybe Janet was what Margo would have been like if she’d had one herself.

This was so fun to write it only took me one day, which is pretty rare for me! I wrote it right after the season 4 premiere, running with the idea that Margo could get her glamour taken down in Fillory before everyone else. I was really intrigued by the physicality between Janet and Sam, so I wrote it as a BattleKing fic, but it's more about them dealing with the aftermath of their false identities. I definitely saw Kady as someone who wouldn't let hers go, so I leaned into that, and it feels pretty cool after 407 to know she didn't let it go in canon either!

So Far From Where I Want To Be

When Margo showed up at school the next week under a thick layer of obsessively-refined makeup and the shortest, tightest dress she could get away with, nobody recognized her except by the mannerisms of her daemon who, despite taking the form of a regal tiger, cowered behind her legs as she strode along on the new high heels her mother had bought her over the summer.

It felt good. The head turning, the staring, the wolf-whistling. It meant she was doing something right. (She tried to ignore Alistair whispering to her that it wasn’t what they needed.)

Chris Gabriel, senior class homecoming king and every girl’s dream, took her in the stairwell between classes, saying “I’ve never seen a freshman look so good” and “let me see what you can do with that pretty mouth of yours” and “I won’t even deny it if you wanna tell everyone you got to ride on me.”

No thank you was what Margo wanted to say, but she caught herself. This was an opportunity almost no one else in the school would be given, and if anyone found out she refused, she’d never hear the end of it. And anyway, wasn’t this what girls were supposed to want? (She tried to ignore Alistair’s quiet pleas to leave as Chris’ daemon nipped at him and backed him into a corner, just out of Margo’s reach.)

This is a daemon AU and the secret Margo tells Eliot in the Trials. (Daemons, for anyone who doesn't know, are the animal-shaped manifestations of people's souls. They can change shape until the person reaches maturity, then they settle on the animal that best represents them.) It was extremely taxing to write, emotionally, and I had to keep taking breaks to cry, but I think it turned out pretty well considering it was my first fic for the show.

A Terribly Real Thing by @ourladyontheotherside

Shuffling sheets, shuffling bodies, the lights go out and Kady finds herself on her back, staring at the ceiling. Margo’s breathing is calm, steadying. Kady wonders if Margo ever had any doubts about her actions or if she’s always gone through life being sure of herself. Then it dawns on her that Margo spent the whole day with the monster. She helped that thing kill a god.

Turns to her side and looks at the back of Margo’s head, reaches out to touch her arm, says, “Margo?”

“Hmm?” Comes the reply, Margo turning over to look her in the eye while she speaks.

“We’ll get Eliot back.” Kady says.

Her chin shakes, her head nods. She takes Kady’s hand and holds it tight, breathes deeply. Kady can see the words behind her eyes that she doesn’t say, the fear, the hope, the desire to trust that what Kady says is true even if she doubts it. She’s never seen Margo this vulnerable, never seen her crack even just a little.

Moves closer and pulls Margo into her arms. Cradles her. Margo’s arm wraps around her side, grips the fabric of her shirt, buries her face in Kady’s chest. Kady wonders if it wouldn’t be awful to fight for one more person.

That maybe Margo’s been fighting too long. Maybe they all have.

This fic. Is so beautiful. I was already up in my BattleKing feelings because I found it right after I posted "Just to Bring You Home" and it made me so emotional I couldn't even articulate what I was feeling in a comment! The author caught so much of the kinship and intimacy and nuance I see between Margo and Kady and really brought their caring natures to light. Definitely one of my favorite fics I've ever read!

and then there were none by @lesbianmxgicians

Marina looked down at the scotch glass in her hand, squeezing her fingers around it. She turned around, launching it at the wall. It shattered loudly, glass shards flying back and falling onto the floor. A sob wracked her body. Slowly, Marina fell to her knees in the shards of glass.

That was two weeks ago. Today, Marina sat at the chipped, old piano that sat in the warehouse with her. In the midst of an industrial eyesore, it was the only relatively pretty and personal thing. Julia liked playing it.

Marina's fingers were clumsier than hers. She'd never learned to play, but Julia had taught her a little. Now, as she waited for her wards to fail and him to find her, she pressed down on the keys in the pattern she'd memorized.

Marina was ready to die. She never thought that would happen, honestly. There was always going to be magic and power in the world to control, knowledge to gain. Julia's death had done it for her. Marina figured that next time, if there was a next time, she'd try not to get so attached to people. Feelings; wretched things, really.

Not gonna lie, I cried more than I probably should have reading this fic. I have a weird soft spot for Marina/Julia and this really punched me in it. I love the idea of them having this normal thing they do in the apocalypse, just making music, just the same song over and over again, and then...Marina's alone. I love the little detail of the Beast finding her when she plays the wrong note on Julia's part so much! What a wonderful little fic.

#the magicians #the magicians rec center #five @ five #author spotlight #author: high-queen-margo

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high-queen-margo · 5 years

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Echoes

Summary: Margo confronts her new feelings for Kady/Sam after recovering her memories. Pairing: Margo/Kady Length: 1,968

Read on AO3

Margo. Her name was Margo Hanson. Her memories—her real memories—entwined with those she’d had just hours ago, appending but not rewriting. Her name was High King Margo Hanson the Destroyer, not Janet Pluchinsky the fashion editor.

And Sam Cunningham was still Sam Cunningham, not Kady Orloff-Diaz. She squinted at Margo and looked her up and down, her eyes lingering on the eyepatch in her hand.

“…Janet?”

Margo nodded.

Sam let her breath out and pulled her into a hug. “We were so worried; you just fucking disappeared off the face of the earth.” She pulled back. “What happened? Is this…you? The real you?”

“Yeah, it is,” Margo said. “You were worried? We barely know each other.” You don’t actually know me at all, she thought. Not right now. You don’t even know yourself.

But then, Margo hadn’t lost her memories of being Janet. She remembered perfectly well how quickly she’d taken to Sam, how, despite having just met each other, Sam had made her feel safe and protected and less lonely than she’d ever been in her life.

In Janet’s life.

She had to keep reminding herself that she hadn’t really lived it, that any memories she had beyond a couple months ago were entirely fabricated. Still, though, they felt real, and honestly, the loneliness wasn’t exclusive to that life. For the most part, Margo was just as lonely as Janet.

“Yeah, well. We’re in an entirely unique situation,” Sam said. “That tends to bring people together.”

“Yeah, I guess it does,” Margo said. “As for what happened, the clone of a dead god from a parallel universe pulled me into said universe, and the people there fixed my identity. Because I’m their king, and they need me to fix their shit.”

Sam blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, crazy, I know,” Margo said. “I’d go into more detail, but I don’t have the patience and it’ll be faster to just get you guys all fixed up too. Have you found anyone else since I’ve been gone?”

Sam shook her head. No,” she said, “it’s only been a couple days; we haven’t managed to track anyone down. And Marina hasn’t really made any progress getting through whatever’s blocking us, either.”

“Okay, that’s fine,” Margo said. “It’s fine. We can find the others; I just need you back to help me. The real you.”

“Janet—”

“It’s Margo, actually.”

Sam reached out and squeezed Margo’s shoulder. “Margo,” she said. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“They’re my friends,” she whispered. “And yours. Quentin, Julia…Eliot. And they’re missing. They aren’t supposed to be missing.”

Sam brushed Margo’s hair away from her face and gently moved her thumb over her cheek to wipe a tear away. “We were—are—pretty close, aren’t we? All of us?”

“Well,” Sam said, snapping her out of it, “everyone’s in the other room. We can get them and head over to…where are we going?”

“Fillory.”

***

Margo watched as the glamour lifted first from Penny, then Josh, then Kady. They blinked and glanced around as if waking from a dream.

“Wow,” Josh said. “Just…wow.”

“Holy shit.” Kady yanked her hair out of its bun and ran her fingers through it to shake it out. “God, how long were we under that fucking spell? I can’t even tell.”

“A couple months, I think,” Margo said. “Good news is I doubt they were expecting us to break out of it. Ever. So we should be able to fly under the radar for a while. Bad news is half our posse is gone, so if we can go find them now, that would be great; I have a country with a year’s worth of problems to solve and our own world is getting double-tapped by the Library and that McAllistair bitch. We need a plan, stat.”

“Right,” Penny said. “I swear to god, if this timeline gets to be as fucked as mine…”

Kady’s eyes lingered on Penny for a moment before flicking up to meet Margo’s. She looked away and made for the door.

“Let’s get back to the portal.”

It was a longer trip than Margo would have liked; even in the carriages, it took a good hour to get there, and she wanted to busy herself as much as possible. She had to scrub Janet out of her mind; Janet wasn’t real, but her missing friends were, and Fillory was, and the things that happened while she thought she was Janet didn’t matter.

Those things would have been easier to ignore if Kady hadn’t climbed into her carriage and forced Penny and Josh together into the other one. Margo folded her hands in her lap and looked out the window as the horses lurched forward, drawing them away from Castle Whitespire.

“Can we talk?”

Margo reluctantly turned back toward Kady. “About?”

“Okay,” Kady said, “I know this is really fucking weird. I don’t know how to talk about it either, but…You know, you feel it too, right? That life?”

Margo sighed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you remember being Janet, don’t you? Every little thing, like you really lived it.”

“Those memories are fake.”

“They feel real, though,” Kady said. “The personality, too. I feel like I’m…” Kady shook her head and crossed her arms. “It’s stupid. I feel like I’m still her, a little bit. Sam.”

Margo nodded slowly. “Yeah,” she said, “I know what you mean.”

“Listen,” Kady said. “Those things you said to me, right before we left to come here? I’ve never seen you that vulnerable before, and—”

“Janet can keep the vulnerability,” Margo said. “It was a slip. I can’t afford to be vulnerable right now.”

“You slipped because I was still Sam,” Kady said. “I’m good at reading people, Margo, and I was even better at it as a detective. I know you’re worried about your image or whatever, and I won’t tell anyone, but I wanted you to know that if you ever need to talk…like that…you can come to me.”

Margo studied Kady’s face. “There’s no way you would have offered that before,” she said. “You’re as closed off as I am. You were.”

“Yeah,” Kady said, “I was. But like I said, that person they put inside me is still there. Do you know what I remember?”

Margo shook her head.

“I remember busting a twelve-year-old kid for heroin possession. I don’t know if he was real. But he cried the whole way to the station, and I could tell how scared he was. I sat him down next to me while my partner called his parents, and he held my hand and kept crying. And he said he did it because his dad always did it, and he wanted his attention, and he didn’t know he wouldn’t be able to stop. He asked me to help him stop.”

Kady paused and looked down at her hands clasped between her knees.

“I wrapped my arm around him and told him it would be okay, but I didn’t really know. I knew we would send him to drug counseling, and I knew it doesn’t always work. I knew we’d have to investigate his dad, take him away if we found anything. He fell asleep on me waiting for his mom to come and hugged me before they took him away.

And the worst part is that it wasn’t unusual. It happened so many times, and I…I had to have a soft heart to do that. I had to believe those kids would get better and lead full lives. So yeah, I was a closed-off person. I still am, I think. But I can’t remember things like that and pretend I don’t want to help people.”

“Jesus,” Margo murmured. “Well, now I feel like a shitty person; all I remember is spitting on people to get what I wanted. I guess I wasn’t all that different no matter which name I was using.”

“My point is,” Kady said, “I’m here for you if you want.”

Margo nodded and tried to wipe tears out of her eyes before Kady could notice. “There aren’t many things I really love,” she said quietly. “Both of those things are people, and now they’re just…gone. If anything happened to them—Fuck, they’ve scared me before, and every single time I lose my mind thinking I’ll have to keep going without them, and I don’t know how. I really don’t. But we were brainwashed for so long, who knows whether they’re okay.”

“See?” Kady smiled softly. “You’re not a shitty person. You just care so much about the people who matter to you that you’d do anything to keep them safe, and when you don’t have those people, you have to keep yourself safe. I get it. What you are is strong.”

“You know, I’m not really sure I like you being able to read into me like this. I think you were better as the broody and silent type.”

Kady laughed and shrugged. “I’m only so good at it because I relate, but I can stop.”

“No,” Margo said, and the corners of her mouth twitched up. “It’s kind of hot in a scary sort of way.” She sighed. “You know, if we’re being totally transparent right now, I…well, I think I kind of had a thing for you. For Sam.”

“When you were Janet.”

“Well…after, too,” Margo said. “And I thought it would be a nonissue once you got your memories back; I mean, we never really talked before, and sure, I thought you were hot and powerful, but I was also pretty sure you didn’t exactly think of me as a friend. Not that I’d blame you.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I have feelings for you, all right?” Margo said. “It’s gross; I’m used to sex-only relationships. But something about you just…” She took a deep breath and let it out. “Something about you makes me feel safe. And protected. Cared for.”

Kady stared at her for a moment, and Margo couldn’t place the look in her eyes. Then, she leaned across the carriage aisle and kissed her, balancing herself with her hand on Margo’s knee. It wasn’t anything Margo had ever experienced before; it wasn’t hot and breathy and full of lust and desire. It was meaningful.

Kady pulled away for a moment, as if she hadn’t realized what she was doing, and then they met again in the middle. This was what Margo knew how to do. This was a kiss full of lust and desire, but backed by the previous one, and it made her chest ache with the weight of those feelings.

Maybe, Margo thought, this wouldn’t be too bad. Maybe, for once, she could have something real and good, and maybe she could give that to Kady too.

#the magicians #the magicians fic #margo hanson #kady orloff diaz #battleking #my writing

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forever-always · 5 years

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My eyes are burning & my head is killing me coz that's how much I've been crying (I think I did a solid two hours straight) .. Trust me when I tell you I have never cried so much in my life (& my life hasn't exactly been an easy one) .. This week has been really really hard on me and I'm just exhausted & broken .. I was a fool to think the Magicians would be any different .. Nowadays everything is about shock value .. Well wrong move mthrfvckrs .. WRONG. MOVE.. Remember how we thought that a love triangle was coming our way ???? Lol! What fools were we ... The fvcking jokes on us .. All I wanted was just ONE happy reunion or at least ONE fvcking moment between Q & El .. But what do I(we) get ????? NOTHING !!! Hell he doesn't even get to see Q when he was back .. And I can't help but think 4x5 was done just to give El a damn flashback moment to grieve Q ... I'm never forgiving them and honestly I thought of quitting the show altogether and I actually haven't decided on it yet ... But IF I do go back, it'll be only & ONLY for Eliot coz he is my son and I wanna see his journey through .. BUT if S5 happens to be the last, I honestly wouldn't be sad, coz I'm just done with these fvxking showrunners & writers .. They can choke for all I care .. #RIPQuentinMakepeaceColdwater #RIPBeautifulPotentialLoveStory You'll deserved better treatment than this damn show

(I had a more charged up outburst on Twitter coz the anger & hurt was fresh off.. This came out pretty calmer & less charged than I expected it to)

#quentin coldwater #quentin x eliot #eliot waugh #the magicians #the magicians season 4 #the most fvcked up finale #Was sera on some kinda crack?#Queliot deserved better #Bi Rep deserved better #Sensitive subjects deserved better #I'm just done caring anymore

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sssssssim · 5 years

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How could they do that to our bi boy.. :(

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR MAGICIANS 4X13

DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT

yeah. fuck.

I cried my fucking eyes out this morning, when I saw it. I haven’t cried this much because of fictional characters in years. And then I went to work, and on the way home, I read this article and I cried. (It’s a good read, tho, go for it, it explains what the writers and Jason were thinking and how they chose the song and just go read and cry)

ANYWAY

yeah it was fucking horrible but also

it was beautiful

I honestly loved it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a death so beautifully written and executed.

I started crying when they got Eliot back, when he was bleeding, and I didn’t fucking stop from that point on.

It was beautiful, there were so many good moments.

The moment when Quentin saved the day by doing “just some minor mending” was amazeballs because he finally knows his discipline and is using it to its full advantage. The parallel between Alice dying and Eliot pulling Q back, and Q dying and Penny40 pulling Alice back. The fact that Penny was there to wait for him, in the Underworld, that he wasn’t alone, that he wasn’t with strangers.

The moment when Q asked if he had been heroic or if he killed himself was... I sobbed at that. I had to pause and breathe. It was so important, because even death doesn’t erase Q’s mental illness.

When they started singing Take on me... My heart just broke. I can’t even tell you. I love that song, I’ve loved that song since I learned what music is and it just... broke me. And the fact that he got to see his friends singing it for him, as a parallel to the quest when he was the one who came up with the idea that they should sing together, it was beautiful.

I... it hurt a lot, yeah. And it was a shock, because nobody was expecting it, I didn’t even think of the possibility of it happening. And I cried and my heart broke and I was gross sobbing and I’m tearing up as I write this.

And I’m devastated that Q didn’t get to play with magic some more. That he didn’t spend more time in Fillory. That he didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone, not to Alice (not really), not to Julia, not to Eliot. I’m so sad that he didn’t get a happily ever after with Alice, or Eliot. I’m heartbroken, because I loved Q a lot. This Q, the tv show Q was amazing. I loved him just as much as I hated the book version.

but

fuck

it was beautiful.

It was a very good ending to his story and I’m sure it’s going to be an important start to a new chapter in everyone else’s books.

And I’m kinda glad he took the metro card. if I would be able to actually think about it, I’d probably realize that Q deserves the metro card and the calm that comes with it.

Jason was amazing. He is gorgeous and so good as his trade, it’s a big part of why I loved Q this much, and why this hurt so much. I hope I’ll get to see him again soon, playing a bi disaster or not :)

#sim watches magicians #sim answers #Anonymous

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not-a-princess-but-a-queen · 6 years

Note

Anything with fen? Or arielle? Or both?

I hope you like it! :) I wanted to do Quentin and Fen bonding over their lost children so trigger warnings for child loss.

Quentin made his way through the darkened Physical Cabin, using his cell phone as light. He made his way to the kitchen and poured a glass of water, downing it in a few quick gulps. He’d woken in the middle of the night, dreams from his time in the mosaic had plauged him again, and it was difficult to shake them.

Quentin squeezed his eyes shut and and rubbed a hand over his face. He stood there, leaning against the sink with his eyes closed until something pricked his senses.

It was the faint sound of crying, coming from the direction of the living room. Quentin followed it and found Fen, passed out on the couch. She was having a nightmare, crying into her arm and shaking. Quentin frowned, crouching down beside the couch.

“Fen,” he called out, not wanting to touch her just yet. He’d had a couple of experieces of lashing out when waking up himself. “Fen, wake up. You’re safe.” She didn’t hear him, continuing to twitch in her sleep, a few muffled cries escaping.

Sighing, he reached out and gently shook her wrist, the closest thing to him. “Fen, wake up,” he said, a little louder, more firm.

Fen jerked awake, eyes snapping open and wrist twisting in Quentin’s grasp. She glanced around wildly before seeming to remember where she was and sagging into the sofa.

Quentin dropped her wrist, but remand crouched beside her, eyeing her cautiously . “Are you ok?"

Fen grunted and ran her hands through her long, dark hair. "Just a dream,” she muttered not looking directly at him.

Quentin frowned, thinking back on his last conversation with Julia, who’d filled him in on what’d happened to Fen. Rupert flashed behind his eyes and he sagged against the sofa, making himself comfortable on the floor. “Julia told me what happened,” he muttered. “Do you want to talk about it?"

Fen frowned, shook her head. "I can’t,” she muttered. “I can tell you what happened, but explaining how I feel..” her breath hitched on a sigh. “I can’t, there are no words."

Quentin hummed and nodded, folding his arms in on himself. "There's no word to explain when a parent losses their child. The weight, the grief. You can’t articulate it,” he muttered.

Fen frowned, shifting up to look at him. “How do you…” she trailed off, a confused crinkle in her forehead.

Quentin bit his lip and turned to face her, back now against the small table. “It’s a long story but um, when Eliot and I went after the fourth key, we got sent to Fillory in the past. Do you know about the mosaic? Outside Whitespire?"

Fen frowned for a few minutes but nodded slowly. "Yes, my father and some of the older people in the village used to tell stories about it. That was you?"

Quentin nodded eagerly. "Yeah, me and Eliot. Uh, anyway, long story shortened, we had to create a mosaic of the beauty of all life. And it was taking us forever. It took so long that I ended up married and with a child. A son,” he breathed. He was simplifing, but he wasn’t about to go into detail about Eliot without his consent.

“My wife died, and it was just the three of us,” he muttered. Memories started to flow through him again. Cuddling with Rupert on his worst days, Eliot forcing food on him. Flower picking and going into town for the local festival. “We had a whole life together. I sent my son off, we didn’t get the key until Eliot died. Then Margo found a way to save us, so that the timeline never actually happened. But I remember it. I remember holding my son, feeding him, loving him. But none of it actually happened,” he frowned. “It’s like a death, in a way."

Fen frowned, taking that in and sighing. "I grieve with your loss,” she said.

Quentin inclined his head toward her. “As I grieve with yours,” he muttered, leaning forward to give her wrist a slight squeeze. “If you need anything while you’re here, please tell us. I know we’re all busy but we won’t let you down."

Fen nodded and sat up fully on the sofa, making Quentin move to stand as well. "You know we have a ton of spare rooms, you don’t have to sleep here,” Quentin offered.

Fen hummed. “I know, Julia gave me one. I meant to go to it but,"she gestured behind Quentin who turned to see the mostly empty bottle of whisky on the table with a glass beside it.

"Ah,” Quentin muttered, running his fingers through his hair. “Well, let’s both head back upstairs then. We’ve gotta big day ahead of both of us tomorrow."

Fen nodded and stood, stretching her arms behind her head. Together they made their way upstiars, Quentin walked Fen to her door, with a small smile. "Good night Fen,” he muttered

Fen nodded, pausing at her door to give him a concidering look. “Good night Quentin. And, thank you."

Quentin watched as she closed the door and made his way back to his own bed, praying for a dreamless sleep for once.

#the magicians #Quentin Coldwater #fen #My writing

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