#This man has so much unresolved trauma
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We all know how a lot of Luffy's opponents have been in some ways premonitions of the type of person Luffy could end up as if something went wrong in his life. For example Moria is what Luffy could've become had he truly lost his entire crew at Sabaody if Kuma had not saved them
And we know Crocodile is what Luffy maybe could've become had Luffy given up on his dreams and become jaded after losing to him. But like, when you think about it, that's not the only dark reflection of Luffy in Crocodile, is it
'Cause Crocodile, despite employing people for Baroque Works, did not trust anyone around him and did not considder anyone to be anything else but an employee to him. And we know he had been planning on taking over Alabasta for like 14 years (at the very least), BW being a thing for only the past four (pre-timeskip)
So like. Did Crocodile spend the last 14 years alone
Like yes he had his workers at the Casino and Robin etc, so he was like, around people, he wasn't like Brook who was in Total Isolation. But on an emotional level, has he not spent the last 14 years all by himself, completely detached from anyone, unable to trust or rely on anyone else?
That is sad as fucking shit, holy hell
'Cause then you compare him to like Luffy and like
Our sweet baby boy was so afraid of being alone that Luffy literally went through hell just to gain Ace's approval despite Ace trying to signal to him he wasn't interested befriending him
And through out the whole series Luffy reiterates time and time again how he needs and wants his friends around because he literally can't live without them, both on a literal "he can't cook or navigate or have fun by himself" level but also on that emotional level
And Crocodile just. Spent 14 years of his life, if not longer, alone.
Sweet jesus what happened to this man
And that just makes me further wonder, what the absolute fuck were Crocodile's Rookie Pirate days like?? Like did he have a crew or was he just yolo'ing it by himself???
Like. Mihawk's never been on a crew as far as we know. Kuma was a Revolutionary, not a pirate, but he wasn't like alone still. Doflaming, Hancock, Jinbei and Moria however have/had crews of their own. So what was Crocodile's deal? Did he have a crew before? Was he a captain or was he on someone else's ship? (Although surely the Government wouldn't offer the position of a Shichibukai to a cabin boy or the first mate, right)
And if he did have a crew, the hell happened to them??
Like we know Crocodile got his ass kicked by Whitebeard, I just find it unlikely Whitebeard would've pulled a Kaidou on Crocodile's crew and slaughtered them, that's not a very Whitebeard-y thing do, right?? ...Unless Whitebeard was just different 20+ years ago and was willing to annihilate entire crews. We don't know.
Or maybe Crocodile and his entire crew were like Turbo Rotten from the beginning and Whitebeard figured they deserved to get wiped out, much like how we saw Shanks wipe out Kid's crew at Elbaf. Or maybe Whitebeard saw no reason to have mercy on someone affiliated with the World Government.
That all said, if we wanted to assume Crocodile had somekind of trauma that lead to him viewing people not only as disposable but also untrustworthy, then maybe losing people dear to him like that wouldn't lead to that mindset. Like Moria witnessed his beloved crew die and that caused him to want to create a crew he couldn't die, so he wouldn't go through that emotional trauma again.
Which leaves me to wonder. If something caused him to lose his ability to (emotionally) trust people, and if Whitebeard broke his dreams...
Maybe Crocodile had a crew. And maybe they abandoned him when he lost to Whitebeard. Figuring they didn't need a weak captain who was probably going to bleed to death anyways.
Or maybe the crew tried to take his head (after Whitebeard kicked his ass), after all, he was already a Shichibukai, anybody who took Crocodile's head could maybe attempt to take that title for themselves if the Government allowed it, and if not, at least gain more fame for themselves.
Either of these scenarios would certainly result in you losing your ability to rely on others. And leave you willing to spend the rest of your life alone. Who would have in them to go through that again.
Or maybe he came out of the womb unable to trust people and he was just yolo'ing it by himself like Mihawk right from the begining, who knows
Regardless I'm just
#Moon posting#Sir Crocodile#OP Meta#Me @ Crocodile: Who hurt you#No fucking wonder Crocodile was absolutely deranged in Alabasta#Dude just spent like 14 years speaking to a wall by himself. Or maybe not who knows the walls could betray him too#This man has so much unresolved trauma#BTW if true this would also make Crocodile a dark reflection of Robin. Which is a different layer of sad on its own#Like. Both expecting the other to be the one to betray them. And in the end it's Robin who shot first.#Break week in the middle of Kuma Backstory. I am in pain.#When will our husband return from the war#I need to know what his deal is so bad. I must study him under a microscope#My derangement will not know end until then#There could've been a counterargument that Crocodile couldn't trust anyone lest his Utopia Plans got ruined#And to be fair if the Government had found out his plans would've been screwed. Shichibukai Rights REVOKED#But he still seems to carry those trust issues since Mihawk is on relatively thin ice it seems#So me thinks. This smells like trauma.#The real conclusion to this post is that the Crocodile x Daz shippers are RIGHT
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I love love LOVE being a hater but I don't show that side to people except maybe two friends and sometimes Tumblr. I don't want my IRL friends to think I'm mean when I decide to hate someone based entirely on minor things like them being rude.
#im thinking about this one dude I could STRANGLE and I barely know him. he just annoys me severely and he's kinda mean. like I have issues.#lee speaks#what? its not a man's right to have so much unresolved and bottled up rage that he has to funnel it into something else besides the things#that ACTUALLY make him angry? this is America for g-d's sake. my trauma my right. landlords fear the entrepreneurial hater.
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dating carmen
a carmen berzatto headcanon for all of us feening for season 2
i must admit I was bored at the start of bear and than the next few minutes I was immediately hooked! carmen is such a unique character with so many layers I’d love to uncover as the seasons progress, but for now these are all coming from the depths of my mind :)
I’ve consumed about all the bear content tumblr has to offer so it’s only right I add to the shallow pool, even though this was pure self indulgence
carmy x reader inserts below!
we all know that Carmen has little to no experience with relationship, so the beginning of yours does not come without challenges. It’s hard for him, he barely registers his own emotions much anyone else’s, but in a way he has this subconscious itch in his mind to constantly know if your okay, to ask about your day, it becomes second nature with you.
Carmen refuses to call you by your actual name, often replacing it with honey, baby girl, sweetheart and with the way that accent glides over those words like honey you can’t bring yourself to protest
Carmen has never really thought of having kids, building a family or being tied to someone forever but sometimes, when he sees you fluttering around the apartment you both share, or giggling with richie's daughter he can’t help but imagine building something like that with you, some time. he doesn't doubt that if he did every have children, you would be the mother of his kids. he has visions of it, dreams where you have a gorgeous girl he would hold close or a mini mickey running around, he has to forget it though, he’s just not ready.
Carmen barely ever eats, despite being a chef, most of the things he consumes is easily accessible and in turn flavourless and unsatisfying. but after you come into his life, you practically force him to eat every time you see him, until carmen begins to eat whenever you're near. You can’t lie, it heals something in you
let’s also talk about the totally canon time where you were up late writing one night and carmen had just come back from the beef, tiptoeing through the corridor to not wake you up until he sees you sprawled out on the couch. there’s this tension that leaves his soldiers and he wastes no time taking his shoes off and sliding under the blankets, burying his tired body into yours, grease stained shirt and all but you don’t mind. you’d scratch and brush back his hair and he’d groan in bliss, closing his eyes before you would ask him that fateful question. carmen feels guilty every time he replies with the same 2 letter word, but every time you tell him that it’s part of being his. he couldn’t lie when he felt his jeans tighten at that sentence.
continuing onto that vision, despite your amateur cooking skills, you whip up something quick for Carmen that is actual sustenance and Carmen has to force his eyes open to watch you as you cook, completely and forever enraptured by you. and this man is crazy with his eye contact so imagine it with someone he loves. it’s inSANE
feeding carmen when he’s back from the beef and is too tired to lift a hand. he’s just murmuring ‘I love yous’ repeatedly between bites and you can’t help but giggle. he’s so delirious from lack of sleep all he can form are words that have been written into his tongue like muscle memory
as we see carmen, dealing with his anxiety and unresolved trauma is often terrorised by night terror and ptsd, and that kind of causes him to have this fear of you finding out somehow, whether that be by staying over or him falling asleep next to you, it all comes to a head one night when exactly that happens, and when carmen realise you haven’t stared at him in judgement or left with the door wide open it’s like everything changes. he’s finally found someone that accepts him fully, with all his jagged ends and sharp corners and he is gone at that moment. he is totally and completely head over heels in love with you.
after that revelation you are spending most nights over at his apartment, and whilst the nightmares are still there, as they might always be, there is a relief when he wakes up and feels the beat of your body rubbing circles gently across his back
the progression of your relationship with carmen happens a bit like falling asleep, slow at first and then all at once. it doesn’t take long for Carmen to confess his love to you, in that awkward yet charming way of his, and it takes even shorter after that for you to move in with him
speaking of, carmen probably fell in love with you the second he saw you, that glow that shone in a place that wasn’t the beefs kitchen, he just couldn’t quite actualise or express his feelings
he’s probably hear Tina or Ebra teasing you about a guy they had seen you with, which was no one but your cousin, and carmen would feel this burn across his chest that sinks his stomach, and then we would just know. you would be noticing the change in his demeanour at the mention of a guy connected to you, he’ll the whole kitchen did, especially when Tina would give you a look when he chastised everyone to ‘get back to work because this place isn’t gonna run itself’
I heard someone post about washing carmen’s hair and just- yes. he’s too exhausted to even eat so washing carmen’s hair would be a frequent thing. you’d always have to do it at night though because carmen would sneak a hand around your waist and hoist you up and then proceed to fuck you against the tile walls. You couldn’t be late, he couldn’t be late. For the 100th time.
carmen is touch starved, and that makes him so incredibly needy, you don’t mind however, because you're as touch starved as him. there are times where he comes home and just reaches for you, mumbling incoherent words before just grabbing your hips and making you straddle him on the living room coach. he’s so sensitive and blissed out then, even the slightest thrust of your closed core against his tight jeans leaves him whimpering
oh yeah carmen whimpers, I mean are you kidding? Look at that man
carmen, despite not having many relationships under his belt, is ridiculously, I mean concerningly good at eating your pussy. this man will spend hours, edging you, nibbling on your inner thighs, licking and sucking before thirsting a finger and tongue into you with no warning. he knows every single inch of your body, he’s got it memorised, he dreams about it in the office, on his smoke breaks, in the kitchen, hell especially in the kitchen. getting hard all over again when he remembers the sweet taste of you on his tongue, and how you fell apart with his name on yours.
you think carmen is needy during sex? he’s a whole other thing after, this man will keep his cock buried in you long after your highs, until it gets soft and uncomfortable, and even then he needs you close to him, holding you tight against his chest or having you rest your cheek on his collarbone
bear hugs. lots and lots of bear guys. there's something about carmen’s arms that just make you feel so soft and warm wrapped up in them
carmen really likes how you smell, its almost primal (ehm anthtony bridgerton) he loves washing his body with you scented body wash, even if cousin would tease the fuck out of him for smelling like strawberries, carmen just shakes his head and smiles at the reminder that he is completely and utterly yours.
carmen isn't that rambunctious with his displays of affection, it's subtle, like making you coffee before he leaves or getting down to tie your shoes for you, but it's genuine. it's unique to him, it’s carmen. he'd probably design a dish based on you without realising how goddamn romantic that is. i imagine him calling you to the kitchen and getting you to try something, little scribbled notes written on paper and a little notebook with written and rewritten recipes and you'd ask what it is and he'd reply with "you" and then idk he’d maybe ask you to marry him
carmy would be an absolutely emotional mess on your wedding day, it's partly because he didn't think he'd have a life that included one, and partly because couldn't wrap his head around you actually saying yes. He’s crying when you both wake up on that morning, hes crying when you both sneak away to see each other before the altar, he's crying when he sees you walking down, you've got a box of tissues attached to your dress for him
carmen is a perfectionist, he has this insatiable need to make things beyond perfect, his work is his passion and that need seeps into most of life. however, a lot of the times things in your relationship don’t go right, and it’s mostly why he has never really given his all to one, he’s scared he’ll fuck it up and once that happens you cant start again, you can’t redo the recipe with a new batch. But carmen, slowly, very slowly, learns that things don't have to be perfect, they just have to be real.
You're carmen's unofficial official taste tester. One snowed in night, you and carm just stayed up all night, designing and tweaking recipes and new dishes for the bear, with carm mostly doing the designing and you being his very scrutinising critic
carmy loved whatever you called him, i think he kind of froze the first time you called his name, but he especially loves it when you call him by his full name. everyone else kinda has the same nickname for him but he loves that you call him by something only you do, because he will always call for you
And oh my god if you call him ‘husband’ after you get married? It does something unholy to him
carmen is constantly searching for you, he gets anxious when you aren't around or when your late, you are his best friend beyond his lover and the only person he can truly feel at ease with, the crew are his family as they are yours but there is so much that he bottles that he can only express to you during those nights under light of the moon and sweat covered sheets.
you take everything carmen gives, and there is so much that he does, but it was not always that easy, loving carmen was hard, it was frustrating and overwhelming and carmen is forever trying to give you the love he could not those first few months where he closed himself off to you
sometimes, your heart aches so much with the love you have for carmen, and carmen sometimes feels like he's wading through a current when he thinks of you, he just wants to give into the rush of love and adoration that overwhelms him. its personified in every vessel of his life, he's got polaroids of you stuck to his car mirror, in his wallet, he's got your necklace around his neck and drinks from your mug, you ruined him for anyone else, and he can't imagine his life without you, your scent, your hair products and bring pink toothbrush all over it.
#carmen#carmen berzatto#carmen berzatto x reader#carmen berzatto fic#carmen berzatto x fem!reader#carmen berzatto fanfiction#carmen berzatto x you#carmen berzatto fluff#carmen berzatto angst#carmen berzatto x fluff#carmen berzatto x angst#the bear#the bear Hulu#the bear fx#carmen berzatto imagine#carmy berzatto masterlist#carmy x fem!reader#carmy#carmy the bear#carmy x reader#carmy berzatto x fluff#carmen berzatto headcanon#neonovember#neowrites#sydney#sydney adamu#richie jerimovich#the bear season 2#the beef#pure self indulgence
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what about ID Leon (feel like he’d have been a total fuckboy atp as a sort of phase) but what ab he always comes back to you and after a heated argument he fucks you as he’s pressing your face into the mattress while you're crying and clutching the sheets as you’re begging him to let you finish again 🤭
MDNI/18+. NSFW. | cw: Leon is ooc. Possible toxic relationship.
Ooooooo, you’re cooking here anon. Even though I personally don’t headcanon or view Leon as a fuckboy (because let’s face it, that man is not getting laid for the life of him I mean…), let’s go ahead and say he has an ego and it is reflected in his shitty communication skills (cause of anxiety and trauma womp womp).
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It was a heated moment where Leon accidentally raised his voice at you, mentioning something about not listening to orders on a mission. It was a close call and you had ventured off without Leon’s support, and he kept calm until you were both back home. It first started as a regular conversation until it deviated from Leon not being able to keep you within arm’s reach, to you being too individualistic. You knew why he did this, he was often too worried for his good and you’d always remind him that you could handle yourself even if he didn’t believe you.
“You have to listen to me when we’re out there. Do you know what could’ve happened or do you just not give a shit?”, Leon huffed out a breath, his arms crossing over his chest and shooting daggers at you.
“Well, I’m not you Leon, not all of us think the way you do. The sooner you accept it the better!”, you grew more defiant, more angry for God knows what. The bitterness you felt from Leon always being gone to never listening to you on missions started to fester out of control.
The argument only got more intense, turning into a yelling match between the both of you. Hurtful words were said, things neither of you meant, and with a cruel “Go fuck yourself Leon”, you watched him walk out the door and slam it behind him.
You pissed him off, he pissed you off, but there was nobody else who understood your relationship the way you both did. This wasn’t the first time you two argued either, often happening after you were both stressed out and didn’t find a proper release for it. You couldn’t blame Leon entirely, always being forced to do the government’s bidding and having limited freedom would put anybody on the verge of a breakdown. Being each other’s vices also didn’t help, so it wasn’t surprising when you found Leon knocking on your front door with furrowed eyebrows close to a day later.
He smelled like whiskey, not too much to the point where it was dizzying, but enough to let you know he was drinking. Leon wasn’t there to talk, you knew that much, stuck in a never-ending cycle of adrenaline and unresolved issues.
That was how you found yourself in this position now, face down ass up on the mattress. The things that happened after you welcomed Leon back into the apartment and closed the door behind him were a blur. You remembered him kissing you hard on the mouth, walking you backward towards the bedroom and yanking on your clothes. He wasn’t gentle, not entirely, but when he pulled you forward by the leg as his mouth gravitated towards your cunt, you couldn’t stop him. You didn’t want to.
“Leon…please…”, you could barely speak, barely think, your brain was melting and spilling out of your ears along with the rest of you. You couldn’t bring yourself to care about the consequences and how this might seem. Always fighting with this man just to end up back in bed with him was something you should be embarrassed about. But with the way he was pummeling into you, it was easier to forgive him.
“Just shut up”, he muttered under his breath, fucking into you harshly from behind and focusing on the way your walls pulsed around his cock. He was relentless, moving in an aggressive push-and-pull that hadn’t stopped since he crossed the threshold of your front door. The back of his hand grabbed onto your head, pushing your face against the mattress and making you release a muffled whimper.
You hid your face in the bed, tears slipping down your cheeks and your fingers digging into the sheets. Maybe this was what you deserved, to be tested constantly so Leon could come back home, back to you.
“Quit your fucking whining, I’ll let you cum”, Leon didn’t stop, knowing you were on the verge of cumming all over him for the umpteenth time. No matter how mad he was at you at the moment or how badly you pissed him off, he would let you cum however many times you could.
Sometimes you hated him for it, how he could play your body like a violin and pull every string taut until it snapped. He drained you, he stressed you out, but you still gave yourself willingly every time because that’s what made him stay.
This was how he liked you. Pliant and taking what he had to give. That was all you could do, because no matter what, Leon always came back to you.
#leon kennedy smut#leon kennedy x reader#leon kennedy x you#leon kennedy imagine#leon kennedy#leon scott kennedy#leon s kennedy#resident evil#resident evil x reader#resident evil smut#ovaryacted asks
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bad svsss fanfic/au idea: random marriage/guidance counselor transmigrates into PIDW, sees the absolute mess of lord luo bingge and his harem, goes "jesus fucking christ", and makes bank.
and like. they're probably not even that good of a counselor. it's just that people lack any sense when it comes to bingge, and since he's the emperor, that means pretty much everyone. also because therapy doesn't exist. i'll give them some credit though, whatever they hell they're doing works.
now, while sqq and sqh are having a grand ol' time in SVSSS with their husbands, this random, average counselor has to deal with being in the care of lord luo bingge. no wife beam. no anything. all they have is some basic empathy and common sense people just tend to lack in here for some reason.
it's even worse considering the fact that they've arrived after luo bingge completed his plan and became the hailed demon emperor. now, while they've never full on read the entire thing, they've heard enough from a close friend who has kept up with it to know the main character is the literal embodiment of the cycle of abuse and heavy unresolved issues. like, it got to the point where they started to unironically use luo bingge as an example of how to not deal with conflicts and trauma.
really, how could people like bingge? seriously, it's just another edge lord main character with way too many glamorized issues and abuse. red flag! (hey, who the hell is peerless cucumber and why does he keep defending binghe? lord, have mercy on these impressionable young men...)
so, after being kidnapped taken in by bingge and his wives after the bunch claimed that they were a "wise man" or whatever (all they did was offer some basic relationship advice to some poor woman, who turned out to be ning yingying, who told the other wives, and it just spiraled from there), they were deemed "special" and given their personal office and a room! hey, better than being on the streets in this god forsaken hentai-ish world, i guess.
quickly, a routine was established. one that, especially, consisted of luo bingge outright ignoring them. which, they weren't complaining about!
wake up, eat, meet with multiple of the wives, spend their hard earned money on delicious delicacies, meet with more wives, sleep, repeat. the most interaction they had with the demon emperor was him ordering them around, but even then, that was uncommon. it was, surprisingly, easy to fall into the rhythm of this undoubtedly odd life. you're upset that lord luo hasn't spent much time with you? maybe you can ask! the other wives are being annoying? remove yourself from the situation. you're upset that lord luo has so many other wives? oohhh... yeah. uhm.
luo binghe only tolerated them, they knew that. and they're sure that, if not for multiple of his wives insisting on keeping them, they'd be dead for even daring to be so "intimate" with them. a little bit of a shock, if they do say so themself. like, insecure much (something that they'll probably never get used to is the fact that bingge built an entire little village for his wives, though)?
but that's not the most shocking thing, oh, no.
it's this.
"i- i tried.. i tried to take the.. hiic-- other.. other shizun w-with me.." lord luo binghe, the powerful, almighty demon emperor, trembles and sobs. "b-but he! he wanted to-- s-stay with that.. stupid, inferior version of my- hic- self.."
despite the mountain of gold they're getting paid in, is it really enough to deal with this? probably not. will they get killed for witnessing luo binghe's vulnerability? perhaps. is he a dictator, the embodiment of the cycle of abuse, and a crazily vengeful bastard? definitely.
"it's-- s' not.." his voice breaks. something else inside of them probably does, too. "..n-not, hiic- fair."
should they feel bad? they shouldn't. he's hurt much too many people. isn't it a little late? can he even be redeemed? because, they are absolutely not here to try and "fix" him.
and yet.
"can you breathe, lord luo? deep breaths, don't focus on anything else but me, okay? i'll do it with you too. can you do that for me? there, there. you're doing a very good job, do you know that? here, when i'm upset, sometimes i like to do something called, '5-4-3-2-1'. i promise it'll help, binghe. would you like for me to do this one with you too?"
they can't help but think about a small, lonely boy on qing jing peak.
. . .
after that, bingbing slowly starts to come around and develop an actual bond! cool!! he just,,, can't believe only his wives were granted the "wisdom". how foolish was he?
"i know i'm only a mere human, but i can tell that lord luo is... masking things. you can put that away for now, okay? i promise, everything you say here will be confidential information, and it'll never leak... no no there's no enemy spies here-"
"i'm not even going to question this. you go back there right now and deal with it yourself if you cannot respect me or the other clients. aka, your wives."
"no, it's not stupid. this is how people help themself, and it's okay if you want to do it. as long as it doesn't hurt you or anybody. it helps, and that's all that matters."
"oh? one of your wife confronted to you about it? i'm glad to hear that, she's doing well, i see. i'm also happy that you're listening too, really."
"yes, and when something like that happens, you--- no- don't pull out xin mo now. what did we say about that? good job."
"here, can i touch your hands, binghe? there we go. when you're unsteady, you feel the need to pick at your skin, correct? well, let's try a few different things to keep those hands busy! it must be quite stressful being an emperor. how about we start with crocheting! it's quite popular back at my hometown."
"your mother sounds like a wonderful woman, lord luo. hey, how about you take a small break and visit her, okay? you want me to come with you? of course, it'd be an honor."
and thus, the story of the poor transmigrator counselor continues on with luo bingge added to their schedule!! this could be read as romantic or platonic lol. but i was thinking of this as luo bingge obtaining his first actual friend. it takes a long while due to bingge's... bingge-ness, but eventually it all works out lmao
#they dont give a shit about if they live or not tbh if lbh is acting wack hes acting wack#intended it to be more crac induced yk but... idk with bingge its a little hard bc i get sad lmao#sorry if it seems rushed this has just been sitting in my drafts for weeks uh oh#svsss ideas#svsss#mxtx svsss#luo bingge#pidw luo binghe#luo binghe#pidw#the scum villain's self saving system#i'm so tired
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you're genuinely missing out if you don't read stede as having a funky superpower that protects him from the horrors of the world when he's being true to himself and deserts him when he tries to emulate the idea of a man the world wants to impose on him.
he defeats the badmintons without trying because they're bullies and they're just plain wrong all the time. they attack everything that makes stede lovely: his tender heart, his love of soft things, his beautiful body. they mock him and they hurt him and they die for it practically without stede having to lift a finger. the narrative avenges him.
he bewitches ed body and soul without realizing he's doing it, just by being himself, because he's funny and sweet and he gets ed's love for the bit and he's the first person who's happy to join in on his silly games. also because he's kind and generous and an absolute bitch, and because he makes ed feel safe to let down his armor around him, which is the thing ed wants most in the world. and so ed rescues him from the firing squad, because stede's unwittingly earned his devotion.
he turns the crew's opinions about him around in a few weeks by telling them bedtime stories and doing the voices for them without shame, like they're his kids. he comes up with fun activities for them, encourages them to talk about their feelings and offers to share his books with them (not his clothes tho. he's silly and oblivious and a spoiled only child after all). so by the time the british show up they've started thinking maybe things are better this way, maybe stede's showed them a better way of living (olu knew all along because he's soft and smart too), and they rally to defend him.
he defeats a much more skilled and experienced swordsman by thinking on his feet and being whimsical, throws izzy off his game by smacking him in the ass with his sword instead of stabbing him because he knows he can't win, so he comes up with a tactic that has the most chances of success for him in the moment.
he rescues the crew from zheng's ship by knowing about chamomile (sure, jan) and being the congenial towel guy. he rescues the crew and everyone else again from ricky and his goons by making them play dress up, and it works!!!! (minus that one exception, you know). he has the situation under control with ned's gang within minutes just by listening and paying attention to the way they feel about him and his treatment of them. he knows exactly what to say to turn them around, compliments hellkat maggie so deliciously because he's a charming bastard at all times.
but he's lost the magical protection of his whimsical stedeness by turning against himself by the time he's picking a fight with zheng. he's spinning with unresolved trauma and heartbroken and probably exhausted and hangover by the time she tries to poach olu, jim and archie, and then she insults ed (not cool, girl), so he lashes out. he's not defending or protecting anyone this time, not his crew nor ed nor himself. zheng isn't a bully or a villain, she hasn't attacked anyone, only accidentally hurt his feelings. he's lost sigh of the goal that's driven him since the beginning of season 1. there's no ed by his side and he isn't running towards him, he's not working to make a nice, safe world for the people he loves either.
he felt attacked by low the previous night for not measuring up to the ideal of a man and a pirate that's constantly being dangled in front of him, and he triggered his most painful memories by killing him the way he did and then refused to deal with them, chose to overcompensate and throw himself wholly into pursuing that ideal instead. and this is the price he has to pay: his crew wants to leave with zheng and she humiliates him in public and kicks his ass (very cool, girl). every trick he tries to pull fails, like a wizard that's been cut off from his magic.
it's not until he's reorganized his priorities the next morning and he's back to being stede that things turn around for him (but not until he's near ed again, zheng still has to rescue him from the two british soldiers he tries to ambush). and even then he's not a perfect fighter, can fend for himself but needs help to pull his sword out of that one guy so he can run towards ed. and it's so important that he needs help and that he gets it. it's been stede against the world his whole life, and now he finally has allies and friends and a lover who will support him and fight for him.
#hello????? I'm crying again if you care#ofmd#ofmd meta#stede bonnet#alex watches ofmd#i love this bitch!!!!!
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so, 'the spider within' has me thinking.
Because the new short that just released is so...well, short, I feel like technically there isn't much to say about it because it's pretty concise and has very few if any areas that would warrant critique or super deep analysis. BUT, I think one of the most interesting (albeit obvious) things about the 'monster' in 'The Spider Within' that forms as a manifestation of Miles' anxieties is that the monster is...himself.
Spiderverse tends to focus more on Miles struggling to take on the role of Spider-Man because balancing a secret identity that requires you to fight bad guys every day and personal commitments like school and family is difficult. What I haven't seen the franchise do up until now is address the idea of Spider-Man as monstrous. This is addressed somewhat in what I believe is Miles' original (?) comic book run, where he first gets powers and almost immediately wants them gone. Why?
Because he's afraid that he might be a 'mutant'. A monster. A 'freak'.
Now, I don't think that TSW necessarily intended for this to be the main theme of the short because their primary focus here is mental health and the psychological impact of having a million responsibilities on top of unresolved trauma from one of said responsibilities. However, I still think that the subtext of 'becoming a monster' is there because the Spiderverse team chose to use the image of a shadowy version of Miles that then morphs into a spider, when they could've done something that more directly references some of Spider-Man's usual foes; why not have it be Kingpin, Green Goblin, or even The Prowler?
Because, again, the thing Miles is most afraid of is himself.
Speaking of The Prowler, I think TSW provides an interesting parallel to what we see in ATSV with the whole 'evil doppelganger' motif (I know Miles G. is not really evil, but that is what the writers initially want us to believe by the end of the film so that they can subvert that expectation). Unlike most Spiderverse fans by now, our version of Miles is not aware yet that his Earth-42 counterpart isn't evil. As far as he's concerned, he is staring right into the eyes of the personification of one of his worst fears, which is that he's not really a hero. That he's not meant to be Spider-Man. That he's not as intrinsically 'good' as he thought he was.
(Note: I think the Miles 42 reveal would've hit way harder and felt more full-circle if the writers had emphasized the idea that both Miles and his family are terrified that he may become his Uncle, instead of just leaving it up to subtle bits dialogue and visual cues, But that's a different conversation altogether.)
All that being said, I think part of what makes Spiderverse such an interesting and unique take on Miles' story is that the supervillains feel de-emphasized and like more of a backdrop to the story at times compared to most superhero media that I've seen. His most important conflicts aren't necessarily about whether or not he can defeat the Big Bad (his tactical skills and intelligence are never really much of an issue post-itsv), it's about whether his fears and insecurities are going to destroy him from the inside out before he ever gets the chance to.
#ahhhh this short was so cool#I hope the spiderverse creative team gets to be in their horror bag more in btsv#miles morales#atsv#spiderman across the spiderverse#the spider within#atsv analysis#blabbering
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10 Fandoms, 10 Characters, 10 Tags
Thank you so much @idle-brit for tagging me!This was lots of fun :) 💖
My tags: @delyth88, @elymusplant, @galaxythreads, @chemical-processes. No pressure to answer, of course :)
1. Loki (MCU)
As much as I love everyone on this list, there is absolutely no competition for number 1. Loki has been my favourite character of all time for nearly 6 years now (because clearly the best time to join someone's fandom is after they've just been murdered), and is showing absolutely no signs of being replaced anytime soon. I have a Loki blog, for god's sake. The brodinsons are my favourite relationship in any kind of media, ever. I love them so, so much. Loki's a million different things and feelings, all at the same time, all fighting with each other, which makes for a wonderfully complex and nuanced character. Also, he's hilarious. Look at that eye roll. This is a man who hates his life, which makes me feel better about mine. Thanks, Loki.
2. Klaus Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy)
As will become obvious throughout this list, I love me an emotionally traumatised crazy person. Klaus is that. One of the characters who makes me laugh the most, ever, show-stopping dress sense, and a bucketload of unresolved trauma which goes largely ignored by Klaus, the other characters and the narrative itself? It was love at first sight. Their banter with the other characters, especially Ghost Ben (rip) is one of my favourite aspects of the show. Here's to hoping that Klaus won't be getting the Allison treatment in season 4!
3. Pippa Fitz-Amobi (A Good Girl's Guide to Murder)
I binge-read the entire AGGTM series earlier this year, and instantly fell in love with it. Pip is one of my favourite protagonists ever. Impossibly clever, compassionate, obsessive, badass, and a teensy bit unhinged. What's not to love? I would die for her. I'd say that I'd kill for her, but I think she's got that covered. I think she's written in a very realistic way, firstly as a genius 17 year old girl who doesn't really know what she's getting into, and later as a haunted individual who wants to stop investigating but can't. The way she politely knocks on people's front doors to dig up their traumas, accuse them of murder and all-round ruin their lives is everything to me. She is my blorbo. I am so, so excited for the show to come out, and I'm sure that Emma Myers will do a wonderful job as Pip!
4. Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games)
One of the best-written characters, in one of the best-written series ever. Reading from her perspective is such a delight- she's endlessly suspicious of everyone around her, constantly on survival mode, trusting very few people and relying on exactly no one (to begin with, at least). She's a random teenage girl, from the poorest district, and she wins the Hunger Games. She's so mentally unstable that she has to be sedated, and still she's made to be the face of a rebellion. She's rude, and kind of unlikeable. She adopts all the weakest tributes, at risk to herself, knowing that they won't win. She's doomed to fail by the narrative. She's the it girl of 2010s dystopian YA fiction. Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress, who does a beautiful job portraying the depth and conflict of Katniss in the films. The themes and social commentary of the Hunger Games is one of its (many) strong points, and I am so so glad that people are talking about it again, because it is my favourite book series out there.
5. Mitchell Pritchett (Modern Family)
I have no idea what to say about this man, I just love him. He just like me fr. What an icon. Impeccable music taste. I've started saying, "no my god" now, and nobody understands what I'm talking about. Even in a sitcom, my favourite is the one with issues that he refuses to talk about or fix. The episode where he's trying to hide that he dressed up as spiderman makes me cry-laugh. Claire's speech at his wedding makes me just cry. He's not a perfect man, but he's certainly better than everyone else.
6. Shin Tsukimi (Your Turn to Die)
My favourite cringefail loser! I said Katniss was doomed by the narrative in a metaphorical way. This idiot is actually doomed.
No but in all seriousness, I do really love him. Before the beginning of the game, he was just a relatively normal young man- but, when confronted with the inevitability of his own death, he made himself into a monster to survive. He has a violent vendetta against the local badass teenage girl, who is traumatised as hell already and does not need Shin chipping in as well, thank you very much. I love his relationship with Kanna, his biological sister; how he uses her, manipulates her, and still cares for her so much that he dies for her with a smile on his face in the Emotion route. Conversely, in the Logic route, his actions are a direct cause of her death, and I just love how much YTTD hates siblings. I hope that his past with Midori is explored more in either a mini-episode or the final part of the game, because I find it sooo interesting. I'm super excited to see whether he actually has no chance of survival, or whether he makes it out, against the odds, on one of the routes. He's a bit useless, so I won't get my hopes up.
7. Rue Bennett (Euphoria)
I think it goes without saying that Euphoria has its issues, lol. Sam Levinson is an idiot. While a lot of the show (especially season 2) feels shallow and like it doesn't care about its characters, Rue's storylines always have heart and depth and I am so invested in her arc. It's no wonder that Zendaya won 2 Emmys for this role, because her acting is phenomenal! Rue feels so real to me, in the way that she's trying so hard to stay sober but she falls down and relapses time and time again. Recovery isn't linear, but she's getting there, and I adore her with all my heart. Her relationships with Lexi, her mother, her sister, and her sponsor, Ali, are my favourites, and the healthiest for her, in my opinion. Her brief friendship/ romance with Jules may have kept her more solidly sober than anything else in the show, but Jules (understandably) cracks under the pressure of Rue's mental health, and can't be there for her. Rue needs to heal for herself, which she appears to be doing at the end of S2.
8. Max Mayfield (Stranger Things)
Duffer brothers, please just let her be happy.
Despite only being introduced in Season 2, Max has, in my opinion, had the best character development out of everyone on the show. Her growth from someone standoffish, rude, and uninterested in the group (maybe I'm being a bit harsh. She was, like, 12) to someone who is willing to risk her life to help her friends and Hawkins means so much to me. The scene in "Dear Billy" (S4, Ep4) where she escapes from Vecna remains my favourite in the whole show and will probably be burned into my brain forever. Her relationships with Lucas and El are very sweet, and some of my favourites in Stranger Things. Her final line in S4, after all her struggles over the season, being that she doesn't want to die literally breaks my heart. I hope she gets some degree of a happy ending in the final season. She was my first profile picture when I joined this hellsite, and I love her a lot.
9. Anne Shirley (Anne of Green Gables)
The shenanigans that this girl gets up to never fail to make me laugh. The bit where she accidentally dyes her hair green and then has to hack it all off makes me feel awful for her, but. it's hilarious. Sorry, Anne. Her friendship with Diana is so sweet but also so funny to me because they really are the most chaotic duo of the 1880s. The scene where Anne accidentally gives her alcohol instead of fruit juice is so mortifying but so, so funny. Amidst all of the insane situations that Anne gets into are a lot of really heartwarming moments and relationships. Matthew and Marilla adopting Anne, even though they wanted a boy, because she's so endearing and alone in the world is probably what made me who I am today. I still haven't gotten around to watching Anne with an E, but I've heard it's amazing. I look forward to watching it when I have the time :).
10. Daphne Blake (Scooby Doo)
My first ever favourite character! Another one who I don't have a tonne to say about. She's an icon, she's a legend, and she is the moment. She has done nothing wrong, ever. She knows martial arts, so watch out.
Honourable mentions: Thor (MCU), Finnick Odair (The Hunger Games), Gretchen Weiners (Mean Girls), Jake Peralta (Brooklyn 99), Maurice Moss (The IT Crowd), The Eleventh Doctor (Doctor Who), James (The End of the F***ing World), Ali Abdul (Squid Game).
If you read all of this then thanks, and have a great day!
#loki#klaus hargreeves#pippa fitz amobi#katniss everdeen#mitchell pritchett#shin tsukimi#tua#agggtm#the hunger games#modern family#yttd#i post for once#instead of just blabbering on in the tags#tag game#thanks again for the tag! :)
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A Wound That Never Heals || Joel Miller x Reader
summary: For the last twenty years you believed your parents to be dead. But after stumbling upon Jackson with Joel and Ellie you come to discover that's not true at all.
warnings: heavy angst, heavy themes of child abandonment, unresolved family issues. Readers got some trauma y'all. Bad parents.
a/n: This is an interesting fic for me. I wrote this as a way to vent my anger/sadness I feel towards my birth parents. The circumstances are different compared to this fic though because my parents abandoned me because of the one child policy in China. It's hard to think about sometimes but I just want to say that I do love my family. As far as I'm concerned the only family I have are the ones who have been in my life for the past 21 years. Plus my bio sister <33 Please note I do not speak for every child who has been abandoned/adopted and this is just my personal feelings about it
Twenty years. For twenty fucking years. You thought your parents were dead. That the outbreak had killed them or FEDRA did or something took them from you. That’s what you told people.
That they died, they were forced to leave you. Forced to give you away and abandon you in this god awful QZ. You were only a child. Put in shit school full of kids who were just like you.
At nights, when you laid in your uncomfortable cot with a thin blanket, you thought about them. Missed them. Wished you could be with them instead of here. You cried and cried your heart out when you were alone.
A child wasn’t built for an apocalypse.
Now you’re older. You’re not a kid anymore. You’re an adult now who has lived through years and years of horror. Everything you’ve done has been to survive. Including partnering up with Joel Miller. You met him only a few years ago but you had heard his name whispered among the QZ for a long time.
Mostly in fear. He was a man who got what he wanted and didn’t really give a shit if he pissed people off in the process. When you finally crossed paths with the man it was clear that you wanted to stay on his good side.
You don’t know why Joel let you into his smuggling ring. Maybe he felt bad or maybe it was his other partner Tess who convinced him. You were smart, tough, and quick on your feet. To them you were an asset. To you, they were protection. Mutually beneficial.
Tess was easier to get along with while Joel, well you and Joel’s partnership turned into…well it’s a little complicated. Putting a label on it isn’t easy. All you know is that he keeps your bed warm at night and kisses you in the morning.
For the last three-ish months, it's hard to keep track, you’ve been traveling across the country with a girl named Ellie. Marlene from the fireflies roped the three of you into her rebellion mess. At this point you aren’t even sure why Joel is still going. With Tess gone it’s just the two of you. He had known her longer than he had known you so you really didn’t know what to say to him afterwards. Tess was family to him.
You could only hope he feels that way about you too. Would he? Would he go across the country, dealing with clickers and raiders for your dying wish? Would he risk everything for you? Like he’s doing for his brother. His flesh and blood. It’s Tommy that he had been searching for, it’s Tommy that is his real family.
It’s Tommy that he finds in Jackson as you ride in on horses.
You’ve never seen Joel react with so much emotion when he sees his brother. The way he hugs him, you can't look away. Silently wishing that it could be you. Reuniting with someone who cares so much about you that they never stopped searching for you.
Looking over at Ellie you smile to try and get her to smile too, seeing that same look written on her face. Ellie never had a family but you know Joel and you mean more to her than she lets on. You zone out as you eat, their conversation fading in the background as you look around the cafeteria.
All these people have been here for who knows how long. You understand why Jackson could never promote themselves to the world. But still. There’s a selfish part of you that’s jealous of just how happy everyone seems. Kids get to experience a nice bed and warm food. But it’s not their fault that you didn’t.
So you bury that inside as you thank Maria for letting the three of you in. They talk and you listen, Joel and Ellie are shoveling down the food. Not that you blame them, it's been so long since you’ve had a nice home cooked meal. For some reason though you don’t. Picking at it with your fork and eating slowly. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Joel who shoots you a look. Waving him off you continue to eat.
Then following them as Maria and Tommy give you a tour of the town. It’s pretty overwhelming to be honest. People pass by you and there’s just so much noise coming at you at once. Your eyes scan a crowd of people who surround the big tree in the middle of the town. You stop. Stop moving, stop breathing for a moment. Just stop. By the tree are two people, giving out small gifts to the kids. It’s not them. It can’t be them. They’re dead, they were killed.
They..They look like your parents.
It’s been twenty years since you’ve seen them. So it can’t be them right? People change over that much time. It can’t be them because that means they’re alive. That they’ve been alive this whole fucking time. While you were stuck alone in some fucked up QZ they had been alive. A hand grabs your wrist, pulling you from your spiral.
“You alright?” Joel asks. You shake your head and pull your hand away from his.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Joel watches you walk off.
A frown on his face as he sees the turmoil brewing in your head and not knowing what he can do to help. When Joel goes off with Tommy and Ellie with Maria you’re left to wander alone. Quietly you walk through the town. Choosing to sit on an empty bench to just watch.
“You alright dear?”
It’s dark when Joel comes back. Ellie’s asleep, safe and sound in her bed. He sighs in relief as he stays in her doorway for a few moments. Just to be sure. The light down the hall is still on though. Quietly he walks down, looking in the room to find you sitting on the bed. Staring at the wall. Joel doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what you need.
“I found them.” You say suddenly. He doesn’t react beyond stepping closer.
“Found who?” Looking over at him you smile half heartedly.
“My parents.” Closing your eyes you feel tears building up in your eyes. No matter how hard you shut them the feeling won’t go away.
Joel freezes.
Backstories weren't really his thing, he didn't like telling others much about before the outbreak and frankly he didn't care to listen to other peoples. But with you he did listen. He let you talk about them, a sadness in your voice that he recognized so clearly. That gut punch he gets when he thinks of Sarah.
“They’re alive,” You laugh and it scares Joel a little bit. Standing up you start to pace back and forth.
“They’re alive Joel! Isn’t that great! All this fucking time they’ve been alive!” You shout loudly. Kicking a nearby dresser in your rage. The air becomes uncomfortably silent as your chest rises and falls quickly.
“I thought I was crazy you know, some fucked up shit in my head making me see them but nope. They’re here. They’ve been here for years.” You shrug and laugh again. Joel purses his lips and gently starts to walk over to you.
“My mom, she came up to me today. Asked if I was okay.” Clenching your fists so hard that your knuckles turn white.
The anger, the frustration, the sadness, the hatred. It’s building and building. Waiting to burst out in a tidal flood of fucked up feelings. Joel's hand rests on your shoulder squeezing it ever so slightly. You burst.
Slamming your hand hard against the dresser you push his hand off and grab one of the perfectly placed pillows and scream loudly into it. You fall onto the bed, burying your face in your hands as the tears start.
Big fat ugly tears streaming down your face, coupled with quiet sobs. Your body shakes as you cry and cry and cry your fucking heart out.
“She didn’t recognize me.” You choke out.
“She looked me in the eyes and there was nothing.” The harder you cry the harder it becomes to breathe.
It hurts so bad, the pain that’s been building for twenty years has finally been released. It's cathartic to be honest. It’s been so long since you’ve cried or even let yourself feel any emotions.
“How could they just forget about me? H-How could they not come back?” You ask, your voice broken as you reach for Joel who opens his arms for you.
Joel never meant to get attached to you. He protected his heart for years and even now it's strange. He’s not good at this. He can’t offer you words of advice or any real comfort.
All he knows is that he’s furious for you. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t think about his daughter and to know that you parents would just. Leave you, abandon you like that. It lights a fire in him unlike anything he’s felt in a long time.
He'd do anything for five more minutes with Sarah. To hear her laugh one more time. Yet your parents left and never looked back.
“How could they leave their kid alone and afraid for so long?” You fists grip his flannel shirt tightly.
He’s becoming the only thing grounding you to the world as you become lost in your own self doubt. There’s a million questions that run through your head.
Did they think about you?
Did they remember you?
Each question swirling around and around until it feels like it's sucking you into a deep dark hole that you can never come back from. There’s nothing but darkness surrounding you. It feels like you’re that scared little kid again. Crying out for their parents but this time you know they didn’t want you anymore.
Joel's arms wrap tightly around you. One of his hands rests on the back of your head, pushing you as close as you can get to him. Until you’re practically in his lap, crying into his chest. Joel exudes an overwhelmingly comfortable feeling in this moment. He stays silent as he lets you cry, letting you get it all out until you’re satisfied.
A slow pounding in your head starts to form as the tears stop. The hurt still lingers in your heart as you rest your forehead against Joel's chest.
“What do I do now?” Your voice is hoarse from the crying. You hate it. It makes you feel weak inside.
“I don’t know baby but I know you’ll figure it out.” Joel rubs your back.
“I know it’s not much but, your parents didn’t make you into who you are now, you did.”
“You…” Joel trails off, unsure of how to word how he feels.
“I wouldn’t’ve wanted anyone else by my side.” He says slowly.
For the first time tonight you smile a real smile. He presses his lips against your forehead. A way to tell you he’s there even if he can’t with his words. The hurt is never going to go away. At least not for a long, long time.
But Joel’s right. You don’t need them anymore. You never needed them. Your family, your true family, is right here. Holding you in his arms and peacefully sleeping down the hall.
As far as you’re concerned, they’re the only family you need.
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So @dorky-malorky left a really good reply on this post I made earlier, and it was so good I had to reply- BUT my reply got way too long, so I'm making a new post. I'm going to quote their reply, and then add my own under.
So true, besties. As someone who was bullied pretty mercilessly all through grade school and right up until graduation, I see a lot of that same mask in Halsin. He puts up with so much and it's not because he's a sage wise old druid, it's because he has unresolved trauma!!!
Man basically says Thaniel was his only friend growing up and that's why he became a druid. Imagine making a friend as a little kid and then finding out that no one else knows of him or can even see him. To all those people Thaniel may as well have been an imaginary playmate to a sad lonely boy.
Then he grows up and loses pretty much everyone he cares about. He's cut off from Thaniel, he's cut off from his peers, and he puts so much of the blame on himself for that. Then he's thrust into a position of leadership where he, again, struggles to make connections. Sure some people at the grove are like 'sure wish Halsin was here' but then they all just go along with Khaga and the Rite of Thorns anyways instead of doing anything about it and they basically write him off as lost.
In my view, Halsin has just been swallowing grief and disappointment his whole life and has been putting on the brave face because that's what people expect from him. Don't make waves, just keep on keeping on. Even with Tav and the tadpole crew he will keep swallowing that same shit beyond what a normal person would put up with because Halsin just wants to belong. He will take scraps if that's all he can get, and be thankful for it, when what he deserves is to be at the table with everyone else.
And the heartbreaking thing is just how deeply he cares despite everything he's gone through. He could be bitter and angry like Astarion, but instead he suppresses and buries the hurt way down deep, and just keeps going, holding onto a hope that the future will be a better place. :(
And here is my response:
ALL OF THIS. There is a REASON so much of the fandom has independently come to the conclusion that Halsin is both autistic and a victim of bullying- realize it or not, the writers just put too many tell-tale behaviors in.
Your part about taking scraps just hits the nail on the head. He takes whatever the player gives, and he is still so damn nice- if he loses all of his approval towards the player (which is quite a feat since rescuing Thaniel and breaking the curse gets you 40-50 depending on choices made) he may be snippy in his greetings and in his point-n-click lines which are currently bugged, but he still never actually... really does anything about it.
And that he's able to still care after all of this- even setting aside headcanons, this is still a man who had few to no friends growing up, has been othered for his size and treated like his feelings don't matter, has lost everyone he loved, was made a sex slave for three years to one of the cruelest groups out there, with said slavery including seeing the bodies of other elves like him made into decorations, was forced to fight a huge battle and then faced a curse that killed so many friends of his that it would "take [him] a day and a night to recite the names of all the friends [he] lost" AND he had to kill the reanimated corpse of the previous Archdruid, a man he speaks admiringly of every time he mentions him, leaving him with survivor's guilt and pretty obvious PTSD, AND it took away his best/possibly only friend from childhood, he was forced into a leadership role he never wanted and in fact was actively miserable in, stressed to the point that he started thinking fondly of his past as a sex slave (with the implication being he romanticized it because he wanted not to have to be responsible for such hard decisions anymore) and with not a single soul to confide in who might tell him these thoughts weren't healthy, he spent years begging for help breaking the curse but even the Emerald Enclave was basically like "yeah you're on your own buddy", he fell into what was strongly implied to be alcoholism and had to swear it off entirely, his attempt to jump at the first chance he saw in 100 years to break the curse resulted in him being held captive again and tortured- by goblins, which got him mocked later- while his Grove was infiltrated, psyoped (seriously, too many people don't seem to know that Ketheric orchestrated the Shadow Druids infiltrating the Grove because he knew what a threat they/Halsin would be and wanted it neutralized) and turned against him by Kagha, requiring him to send in a new Archdruid while he left to try to solve the mindflayer crisis- and almost immediately discovering she was a better leader than he EVER was, which I'm sure left him with a feeling of not just inadequacy as he alluded to in his scenes, but also with a feeling he'd wasted all those 100 years trying to lead if he could have just handed it off to someone better all along, then after he finally breaks the curse that has been plaguing his homeland for 100 years he goes into the city, is promptly gut-punched with how much people, especially children, are suffering there, tries everything short of screaming to get people's attention that this is NOT OKAY and is promptly brushed off and dismissed at every turn, then finally goes to fight a Nether Brain to save the world, which he admits he had little faith he would survive- but he put on a brave face for the player (especially if romanced). And that's literally just the main canon path, not including things that can be done to him in darker branches, like his Grove being slaughtered and his attempt to avenge them all failing, or the Rite of Thorns succeeding and him losing his home forever, or him getting kidnapped by Orin, or, once that new update goes into place, him having casual sex with his friend/love interest (depending on the circumstances) and some prostitutes, opening up about his time as a sex slave, and then being promptly threatened to be sold back into slavery by the person he trusted. No, this stuff is literally just the main, good canon path.
I know people tend to say Halsin clearly worked through his traumas in a healthy way offscreen (this line gets used most with his time as a sex slave) but the lack of support system Halsin has, his inability to center his own needs, even to himself, for a single minute, his desperation to be validated for just a single moment, his idolization of the player if they break the curse even if they subsequently treat him badly, his emotions being so turbulent that he alludes to being unable to control his wildshape on two different occasions with both specifically being linked to turbulent emotions (one being intense arousal and excitement, the other being anger and fear when escaping the goblin camp at the player's side), all of which is incredibly unusual for any Druid let alone an Archdruid hailed as one of the most powerful around... none of this really?? points to that being true???
He doesn't act like he is a wise, zen old Druid, he acts like he's trying to be a wise, zen old Druid, and there is a huge difference.
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The funny thing about crocodile being such a loner is that in nature crocodiles THRIVE when other species trust them in symbiotic relationships
#Ah yes. So very funny. I am having A Big Laugh. Ha ha#Jokes aside#I just want his horrible evil bastard man to be loved and have friends (and not die) is that too much for me to ask Oda#This bad boy can fit so much unresolved trauma in him#Asks#Moon posting#OP Meta
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Unresolved Feelings
Hobie has been nothing but nice to you, sadly, you can't return the favour
Warnings: angst, mention of death, canon events, bit of a Gwen x reader, but also Hobie x reader
"I can't even look at him Gwen." Your words came out trembling, eyes watering. "I can't look at him or talk to him. I-.. I can't go on another mission with him. I almost got us killed!" Your rambling was neverending. The look in your eyes sent chills down the Spider-Woman spine. Not once has she seen you so distraught. Dark bags covered your cheeks, pupils small and hair a mess. Your clothes were the same that you wore yesterday, meaning you probably slept in them.
"It's okay. We can talk to Miguel.. He'll understand." She said your name so softly, hands coming to rest upon your shaking shoulders. A hiccup slipped past your swollen lips and you almost started crying again. "I'm sure we can fix this." Gwen offered a sympathetic smile, thumbs wiping away any stray tears that dared to fall down your soft cheeks. "Come on, let's get you in some clean clothes and brush your hair. Then we can go talk to him, okay?" Her words were so sincere and comforting that you couldn't help but be embarrassed about your sudden emotional outbursts.
You nodded.
While getting ready, with Gwen pulling some clothes out for you to put on and helping you brush back your hair, you were completely lost in your thoughts. Hobie came to mind and the memories followed.
Hobie was your canon event. In your universe you worked as a variation of spider-man. Hobie was your best friend, your ride or die, the person you promised to look after no matter what; and you failed him. In a moment of quick thinking where you could have prevented his death, you faltered and instead, he ended up 6ft underground. The memories left a cool shudder running down your spine. Goosebumps formed across your arms and the hair at the back of your neck stood at attention.
"He won't understand, Gwen. This is useless." You spoke quietly, rubbing your face as if that was going to get rid of your eye bags. "This isn't going- you know what Miguel is like! If anything this will make it worse." You huffed through your nostrils.
Gwen just shook her head an rolled her eyes. "You're a pessimist." She sighed softly, squeezing your hand ever so gently. "I promise it will be fine."
Of course, by the time you had made it to Miguel's 'office' you were feeling a little bit better. Gwen had reassured you that Miguel might listen and you wouldn't have to see Hobie again. Part of that pained you.
The conversation went.. okay. As okay as it could go. You were now free from any interactions with Hobie Brown. You felt so conflicted.. Gwen understood your pain. Seeing such a close friend die and then to be confronted with that same person.. but not your own version is traumatizing. The amount of unresolved trauma that comes back is overwhelming; no wonder you wee getting no sleep.
On the way back to the lobby you were confronted with this unresolved feeling. The same punk rocker that you had been actively avoiding was marching his way towards you, a slight frown on his hollowed face. Your heart was racing, your head almost spinning. He stood in front of you and yet you couldn't move. Your feet were frozen, eyes staring into the deep brown of his own. You felt like crying again, but nothing came out.
"You've been avoiding me."
His words didn't come out as harsh or controlling, but rather concerned.
"Get out of my way."
"That doesn't change the fact that you've been avoiding me." Hobie said your name in the same way that your version did. Your shoulders shook slightly, head hung lowly.
"It doesn't fucking matter- okay? You didn't do anything! So get out of my way, Hobie!" Your words were harsh. Your tone was conflicting against your thoughts. No matter how much you wanted to run into those familiar lanky arms or playfully flick his chin, you couldn't, because this man wasn't your Hobie. The Hobie in front of you was a stranger. One that you only had superficial feelings too, and one that you could never be nice to.
The pained look he gave you made your heart ach within your chest. He didn't say anything and just stood to the side, taking a step out of your way. Your mouth moved but no words came out. Instead you forced your feet to move before you did anything that could have been even more stupid than your outburst. You left him standing there with your head now held high in an attempt to seem strong.
Hobie could see through your act. You couldn't fool him.
#hobie brown#dewdropwrites#x reader#astv headcannons#astv hobie#astv x reader#astv peter#hobie brown x reader#astv pavitr#astv spoilers#gwen x reader#across the spiderverse
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Is it because he would be so focus on his career and loses touch about his wife. He doesn’t know what he had until he lose it (divorce) related to your post about Izuku being terrible husband
Good job, Anon! A little star sticker for you and some headcanons for doing your homework!
CONTENT WARNING: EMOTIONAL NEGLIGENCE, DIVORCE/FAILING MARRIAGE
Out of all the pro-heroes from 1A's genwrarion, Izuku is by far the worst partner to choose because he is the most career-focused out of the group. "But Viburnt, what about Kacchan? What about Iida? What about-" I'll get there, let me explain.
We all know that, since he was a kid, Izuku's dream was to become exactly like All Might: a hero who could bring hope and safety to those who needed it. Compared to others, however, he didn't have it easy; he was born quirkless. The people around him tried to bring him down, he struggled with his new powers once he got them, and to make it all worse, he had to deal with the responsibilities of being All Might's successor.
Izuku sacrificed a lot (perhaps too much) to become pro-hero Deku, forgetting that sometimes life is more than his job. So when he marries you, his brain sort of assumes he can take you for granted because "you understand how important his duties are". Because, why wouldn't you understand that he had to save lives?
The first few years of marriage are like a fairytale, gotta give him that; he showers you in gifts and attention, buys you expensive jewelry, and takes you to his galas. You're Mrs. Midoriya, but you soon face the harsh reality of being tied to the number one hero of Japan. You soon understand that being Mrs. Midoriya implied more than a wedding ring.
The stress of being constantly under the scrutinous eye of the media takes a toll on the dynamic of your marriage. Mistakes can't happen, scandals or situations that can be taken out of context are strictly forbidden. You are trapped in a golden cage, and you can't complain because your husband is so good to you! What kind of person would dare to say a thing about the man that gives them all kind of luxury?
Izuku spends a lot of time patrolling or on missions to take care of you, often coming home late or forgetting important dates or promises. He tries to make up for his lack of attention by buying you even more stuff, but that doesn't quite sustain a marriage, you know?
Needless to say, if you want to form a family, you'll have to do it on your own. He is barely at home, and when he is he's just so worn out by the routine he straight up falls asleep. Supposing intimacy does happen and he gets you knocked up, you'd pretty much raise that baby by yourself.
And now, back to the first point. Why is Izuku the worst if there are other characters that are as career focused as him? The answer is fairly easy: environment. If you take a look at Bakugo (to exemplify), he was born and raised with both parents. He was taught how to do chores, how to be self sufficient and independent, and how to be responsible. Bakugo has his own flaws like being unable to communicate his feelings properly and being too stubborn for his own good (which can also make him a terrible husband if unresolved) but he doesn't have a trauma as big as Izuku's. He never had to fill someone else's shoes. Bakugo (in his own odd and stubborn way) grows out of that unreasonable competition with Izuku, and accepts he is a worthy hero.
Izuku doesn't change in that way whatsoever, he becomes worse. Even if he has a supportive environment, he still feels the need to throw his life under the bus for the sake of everyone else's safety. He may seem independent on the outside but he is not, he depends on Deku. Izuku needs Deku to feel useful, and Deku needs Izuku to keep going. Does that make sense?
Divorcing him is also a nightmare by the way, but I'll talk about it in another set of headcanons if you want <3
"Izuku, can we talk for a second?" You begged, trying to catch your husband's attention as he took his hero costume off. "Not now, sweetheart, I'm exhausted. Maybe in the morning." He mumbled, yawning with tired movements; he made his way to bed, crashing on the mattress and zoning out of reality the same way he'd done many nights before. A heavy weight crushed your chest, holding back the tears. "OK, sorry..."
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AITA for getting angry with my mom for trying to help me with my self-esteem?
Okay so I honestly have no idea if I’m the AH or not, bc I’ve come up with mental arguments for both. It’s nothing too serious, just something I’ve been wondering about for a while. The whole situation is just so weird that I’m throwing it to the courts of Tumblr.
To make a long story short, I (2XF) dislike being perceived just like… in general. I’m fine in private contexts but whenever I’m going out in public I’ll typically wear looser clothing, long sleeves, etc. There’s no particular trauma or anything for this, it’s just the way I’ve always been since I can remember.
Recently I told my mom (5X F) about my reasoning (don’t like to be looked at) and after a brief panic where she thought I meant someone was making me uncomfortable she understood that it’s just like. A general thing. I know it’s kind of weird but I thought that was it and moved on.
After that conversation started bringing home clothes for me that were more form-fitting, low cut, sheer, etc. I liked them and wore them around the house and when visiting friends but again, not in public. I didn’t think much of it bc she’d say things like “I bought this for myself but I don’t like how it looks on me, if you like it you can keep it” or “my friend was getting rid of this, do you want it?” but apparently she was actually buying these things. I didn’t think anything of it (before I knew she was buying the clothes) bc we do that sort of thing all the time, one of the things we bond over is secondhand searching and clothing swaps.
But one day she came back with a bikini. On one hand this was very thoughtful of her, bc she knew I was looking for a new swimsuit since mine had gotten all faded. On the other hand, my previous swim suit was a tennis skirt and a tee shirt so. It was a large departure from my norm.
I told her I wasn’t going to wear it. Eventually it escalated to an actual fight, and she ended up admitting that she was encouraged I was wearing the clothes she gave me regularly and was really worried about my self esteem. Specifically she said I “shouldn’t be ashamed of my body” and that wearing a bikini was “the next step”. Our argument went in circles and both if us walked away mad.
This remains unresolved but has since blown over.
On one hand, I think it’s AH behavior to try to force someone to change how they dress just bc you don’t agree with it, and to assign meaning to what they wear - in either direction! Clothes don’t equal consent but also. On the flip side. Just bc someone is layered it doesn’t mean they have some sort of body issues. I’m an adult, I can choose what I’m comfortable with, and if I’m not comfortable with a bikini then that should be that.
On the other hand, the way she tried to “help” was subtle and respectful, and tbh I know the whole “don’t perceive me” thing is weird so I get where she’s coming from and I don’t think I should’ve gotten so upset with her over it. And part of me says I should’ve just gone with it bc what’s the harm? If I felt uncomfortable then lesson learned, if not then maybe I’m “getting better”.
Idk man. I don’t think I should’ve yelled at her, but I also think it’s weird she brought it up in those terms. So *shrug* it’s up to ya’ll now
What are these acronyms?
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stages
pairing: könig x reader
rqt: [] yes [x] no
wc: 3.4k+
a/n: sat around thinking about what i wanted for this man. and despite my own personal aversion. i thought kids
synopsis: everything important came in stages, and it was worth each one
warnings: nondescript at the beginning and pretty chill through the rest.
i.
he doesn’t get to have you like this often. with the sudden resurgence of al-qatala activity, the two of you are tasked more often than you are off duty. It was the first time in a while you had recounted actually using as many weapons that you secured and made inventory on. you could still feel the grime and dust from gunpowder pricking your finger tips as they picked and plucked at your clothing.
könig was equally as grungy and hasty as he tugged his skin tight thermal over his head, revealing a new constellation of interlocking scars and bruises. it was less of a safehouse and more of a hostel takeover as multiple units congregated to get some much needed shut eye. rest would come days late again, but at least numbers promised some security.
but the two of you had unresolved matters to attend to after weeks apart.
words have no sentiment, lost in the harsh pants and the mangle moans wrangled from each of your chests. his mouth is at your neck, lips plump and distracting as his hips snap into yours over and over.
there is no precarious set up to the familiar dance. you’re wet enough from strangled desire alone, his thumb curling to stretch where accommodation is needed. its rash and unthinking, but yesterday you could have been dead and tomorrow is still not promised.
right now, all you know is his heat and the taste of him in your mouth as he spills inside. you’re dizzy from your orgasm and unable to grasp anything past the burly man weighing you down.
ii.
nothing ever comes to a definitive conclusion. the simultaneous attacks have been divided and isolated to periodic interruptions of peace. there is no official schedule, but assignments are better distributed and you finally have the opportunity to handle inventory.
the first time you step into the warehouse, you welcome the musk of steel and wood and get straight to work. too many hands have touched your weapons, you can tell. horangi’s kastov has brunt trauma versus it’s usual scuffs, as if someone had used it to breach a door rather than a body. it would take days to catalogue it all and you were already forty-eight hours into the mess.
but after weeks on the move, it was a welcomed challenge.
you’re uncapping a new shipment of polish when the first wave hits you. its an unusual lurch that has you darting away from the table in fear that you might burst all over your work. it takes careful breathing to reign it in, but even that doesn't feel like enough, as just the thought of petroleum would be enough to purge a week's worth of meals.
it’s a fluke.
maybe stale bread or a bad egg.
you would just save polishing for another day.
there were more important things to worry about than an upset stomach.
iii.
könig has you by the hips before you roll into the sparse space left onto the couch cushion. he welcomes you into his lap, knees spread to accommodate both you and the bowl of popcorn. the austrian had cornered you during your impromptu meeting with declan about the worsening recoil on his lockwood. as if you were to blame for the bruises he acquired from hip firing the thing.
könig was a welcomed sight, easily spotted from afar when he wanted to be and easily agreeable to when he offered up late night movies and swiss chocolates. the irishman scoffed but knew when he was on the losing end of a fight. there was nothing secretive about your relationship anymore, but you kept it tight where it was needed so no issues arose.
settled now, you carefully peeled back the wrapping of one as the man surfed through the selection of movies. freeing the sugar soaked cocoa, you brought it to your lips only to pause with a bated breath.
the incident with the gun oil hadn't been as isolated as you’d expected, nor as frequent as an illness. it was an odd splotching of uncontrolled nausea from the oddest aromas. after a cautious sniff, however, you found that at least your favourites were still welcomed in your body.
you hadn’t realised your speculation had gained an audience until the chest behind you rumbled with a snort.
“i’m glad my selection pleases you, prinzessin.”
rolling your eyes, you take an ever bigger bite out of both relief and spite, if he had any intentions of sharing. you chewed thoughtfully, savouring your stomach’s grace and mercy.
“i knew it would … i just..” you pause, not out of worry but sheer bewilderment of where the symptoms even spawned from. it was possible you had ingested something unagreeable during your tours. the amount of dust, grime and explosive activity sure to shift something after weeks of exposure.
“—got nauseous earlier is all. of gun oil of all things.”
that had to be the strangest occurrence. the idea of you possibly being allergic to your job almost having comedic value.
apparently not almost as könig shook with unrestrained humour.
“i tell you often that you remain cooped up too often. perhaps i will come get you more frequently.”
you think of nights like these, cuddled and warm. and decide that a future of that wouldn’t be so bad.
iv.
you’re late.
but not in the way that could get you court martial if you had been under your prior service. its the kind of delay that is behind by nearly two weeks rather than a day or two.
it's the kind of late that has you in disbelief, disarray and discombobulated in equal stages.
it's the kind of late that has you rushing off base to the convenience store 6 flicks away in the middle of the night, eyes frantic as you dart down the aisles before snatching four boxes of the same commodity.
it's the kind of late that has you pacing in your bathroom, grateful that you have the small space to yourself despite wanting it to be filled until you're suffocating.
it's the kind of late that has you wanting to break protocol as your gaze snaps from the four mirrored sticks of plastic laid neatly on your bathroom counter to your room where your phone lays tossed on your bedspread with your keys.
it's the kind of late that makes you wonder for the first time, how can you grasp an uncertain future and hold it tight.
v.
you go to the on-site doctor before könig because it’s protocol and he’s still out on assignment. there was a brief thought to call, but its always dangerous to interrupt zero dark without emergency.
you’re left sitting in the stiff, cold office when you learn that it hardly be much of a discussion anyway. you weren’t just late, you were well into your first trimester, meaning your only option was what to consider after birth.
they start with reviewing the percent efficiency of the standard issue implant and how nothing is up to one hundred probability. in the end, you were all adults and took risks daily. this one objectively wouldn't kill, but it was still an endangerment.
they send you home with a supplement prescription and a new note in your file. it would be on your commander’s desk before you crossed the threshold but your fate had been sealed weeks ago. there would be talks about job security, both short term and long term.
you had a temporary place off the field but that wasn’t always secure and no place for your very new future.
this was a time where you should be contemplating how you would mitigate the expectation of a civilian while still being rooted in the mindset of a soldier. besides könig, you should be reaching out to family. but instead, you were stuck wondering when.
you are swept into the peak of sweltering sheets and the prickle of humidity. a night of muted passion and tangled legs.you remember the taste, the feel and
him.
he’s back. uniform wrinkled in a way that's only excused post mission. his forehead is crinkled, but only in small lines that means it's the visage of you standing alone in the hallway that has his immediate concern.
he’s back but you haven’t even learned your commission fate from your commander.
he’s back and you’re suddenly feeling nauseous all over again.
he’s back, arms curling around you, lips probing for comfort rather than questions.
he’s back and you never want him to leave again.
vi.
you tell him, because how could you not?
and he worries, because why would he not?
the gesture is both comforting and driving you insane. because it’s no longer your problem but a collective predicament that will have two heads to solve. you’re not young but not quite old enough to consider retirement this early. per your commander, you still had one too many years left of good use and it would be a damn shame to waste.
but you were clearly no longer fit for duty in your temporary state. so unfit that your ailment was a hard kept secret.
it’s fender who notices first because he’s nosy and has too much time on his hands.
he points it out first as a jest, then goes comically quiet when you don’t return it with a joking dismissal. instead you stare him down, because quite frankly at this point, you're ready to get over this stage so that you can start focusing on more important matters.
fender nearly keels running into könig arriving with lunch. there was never the question of who but having both pieces of the same equation in front of him was too much for him to comprehend apparently.
könig is left to watch the man’s hasty departure while you pick apart a sandwich.
“i have my deployment preferences scratched for the next three months.”
you wince as you pluck away a condiment. there were small privileges that came for contracting to a pmc. it came with flexibility in some areas and rigid in others. what was determined was you were in a contract and obligations were pre-negotiated. könig had offered to take on the task of filling in where your biology would infringe on some agreements.
contractually, it would help for now but personally he would be missed.
eventually, you would be deemed too unfit and unsafe for placement on base and advised to move to civilian accommodation until you could return to duty. for you that meant a country length away.
könig was unperturbed when his thumb swiped through stray mustard as it stroked your cheek. it's sharp enough to cut through the distress dragging you down.
“it will be alright. we will make this work.”
vii.
eventually you would come to comfort him.
it became evident in your absence that you were holding each other up. könig was a man of resilience, boasting both body and mind. but in times like these, old worries and anxieties wrested even the most resolved mindsets until they were a phantom of what it was.
late under the moon, while you sat by the window overlooking the bustling city, könig voiced his uncertainties of an expectant father.
“we will not be able to both be there. i should be there, childhood was hard.”
könig only spoke of his past in broken spurts of history. he regarded it as his stepping stones but every piece was still a fragile reminder of his foundation. könig used the everyday fears of the job to compartmentalise it all, taking on the more prominent issues to lay rest to the others.
but now in the quiet of the night on the other side of the world, he had nothing but you and his shadows to keep him warm and sane. you hope your words can embrace him in the thick of it, wrapping him in a blanket of security with no ending thread.
“even in absence, they will feel the love. as i do now.”
it wasn't a direct omission but one of the first vocalisations. for the longest, the two of you thrived on mutual affection; cutting a space in the thralls of war to fit in the tender emotion. it was something that grew both metaphorically and actually into a manifestation of something that had been cultivated for months.
through the speaker, könig breathes a shuddering breath before the next exhale comes with the strength you know him by.
“they will know nothing else.”
and you were assured that neither would you.
viii.
you could handle very little from this far away. occasionally they would send requisition forms for review. but without a proper visual of the actual inventory you were nothing more than a second signature. after a while it began to feel more like pity and you delegated the tasks all together.
you tried to focus more on preparations. the flat you resided in had been purchased prior to your contract. it was a single home, for a sole individual but you made extra space out of your former study. objectively it was way too small, but for now you appreciated the tight corners.
there was more for you to knock into and less space for you to get lost in.
it had been nearly two weeks since you’d last heard from könig. he often called when he could and sent texts when he couldn’t. but lately he had been deployed more frequently than usual.
it wasn't meant to be seen as a punishment. not too long ago, you had all been in a similar predicament, but as the odd man out you could help but feel penalised.
your back aches and your feet are swollen. occasionally your appetite would leave and return with a new address. some days you liked blue and the next you wished you had gone with yellow.
it wasn't fair, but the second heartbeat thudding beneath your navel reminded you that sacrifices gave you something to rise from the ashes.
and when könig resurfaced there would be something for him to be proud of.
ix.
you finally manage to reach könig one week and the following you stumble head first into labour. it's a rush of too many voices and the wrong hands holding yours. you’ve dealt with pain before but the supposed beauty of birth was a thorn with roses.
you want them to call him, but they want you to pace your breathing.
you need them to make sure he knows, but they need you to push.
you see darkness, but you all hear the cry.
you wake to a new type of hurt in your boy thats unlike anything you've experienced. you feel like you're too exhausted to even begin to comprehend the weight of it siting on your bones. blearily, you realise its not an encompassing pressure, but more of a centralised mass settled on your chest.
when your eyes open, you're welcomed by the most beautiful sight you've ever witnessed.
she’s so small.
so so small. the tiniest part of the world that you've ever wanted to protect with your whole being. your finger tips whisper against her skin as rouses to the stimuli.
“i’m so happy to meet you.”
and you couldn't wait for him to meet her too.
x.
after a third day under observation, they let you take her home. your mother wishes for you both to join her, but she concedes with frequent visits. any fight you had was pushed out of you as you allow her to tidy your home while you feed.
it had been awhile since she’d last asked but now that a face is here, half your and half unrecognisable the inquiries are back.
“i just wonder if it's best for you two to be alone here. it's quite the trip with traffic to get here.”
you're too tired to refute her and too exasperated to concede. könig had only been here once, during a brief overlay between assignments. long enough to warm the bed but too quick to make an impression. it hardly felt like a vacation, more like a rest stop to rejuvenate and gather resources.
but he knew where it was and that was enough so you would stay.
it was nearing a month but he would surface soon.
your mother had her worries but you had baby that was crying, therefore you had bigger ones.
xi.
you wake to a tickle of your nose and the taste of chocolate and gunpowder. it's so familiar yet shockingly foreign. over the course of the last few days, it had only been milk, meat cuts and gatorade. enough so that it throws you out of bed, seeking a defensive stance for the first time in what feels like ages. you feel like a bad mother. it had only been a brief nap, a rest for your eyelids. and now you weren't alone.
“it's alright, liebling. it is only me.”
you should be concerned. someone snuck into your home, slunk through the shadows while your baby slept. motherhood had made you so acutely aware but equally wrung you out. in another case it would have been a disaster.
but in this reality.
he was here.
even in the dark, you can witness the exhausted affection and excitement wrestling on his face. it was enough to assure you that he had seen her, the reaction too great to conceal. frankly, it was a surprise she hadn’t woken from the strange shadow falling over her crib. the change in the wind was enough to make her restless and hungry as of late.
“she’s beautiful. you did such an amazing job.”
its been a week of trials. days where you would would wake to alarms just to let mouth latch onto your body. long nights where you would chug electrolytes and remind yourself to eat before you passed out. there were times you felt like maybe wasn't enough.
but in one sentence he assured you that you are the best mother in the world.
you're so so tired but you want to tell him everything and ask more.
he knows, but he’s also aware of how worn you both are. his gaze flickers to the monitor situated between your phone and the clock as if he could visualise the stress lines it had been put through already.
könig does not speak as he eases himself next to you, curling himself around your body as he rests his temple against yours.
“we made a baby,” you can’t hold it back, because it's the first time you've uttered it with him in the same reality. his laugh tickles your ear as he repeats it back to you.
for the first time, it's the three of you in your tiny apartment.
and finally you have a taste of a promising future.
xii
he’s in your too small kitchen, that feels even tighter but in a warm comforting way. you might have slept through an intrusion but the sharp cry of your baby will never fail to rouse you from the deadliest sleep.
könig roused slower, not use to the odd sounds but coming to complete awareness as he puts together the pieces. he followed you as you rounded to the study-turned-nursery only to slow as you carefully lifted her into your arms.
at night he’d gotten a glimpse, evidence in the form of certainty that she was really here. but not he glimpsed the actuality of it all. the living, breathing manifestation of the best parts of you. he had been hesitant at first, thumb larger than her round cheek as he stroked the soft skin.
now he held her close with gaining confidence as he leaned comfortably against the skylit window while you prepared breakfast. you had talked him into discarding his shirt, preaching about skin on skin contact.
his concerns were cute, worried about ragged scars and hard edges. arguably you’d softened over the last few months, but you promised that your daughter was more robust than that. his curiosity overthrew his anxiousness and everything else melted away the moment her tiny head settled against the crook of his arm.
his cheeks were still flushed with emotion, visibly nervous but confident enough with is grasp to assure her safety. there would be no force that would be able to separate them, not when he had his eyes on her like that.
he looks up and catches you watching, eyes big as if he wanted to capture every detail.
and there are.
so many intricate little features.
too many to count and still too many to come.
but they would arrive.
one by one in stages.
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Chapter 4 (TEASER)
…you have more pieces of me than the desert has sand
and i have less pieces of you than i can hold in my hand…
warnings: SMUT (18+)
authors note: we’ll slowly get into the drama and angst and unresolved traumas but i just wanted to give these two a few last moments of physical intimacy
(also listen to this while reading, I promise it’s good and it’s important for the storyline)
Noah’s POV
“My therapist will hear about this” was not really the first thing I expected to see when I grabbed my phone and opened X, this morning, but here we were. I looked over to the naked body sleeping next to me and felt my stomach twist a little. I wanted to throw up. Something I haven’t felt in a while. Not when it came to women and relationships whatsoever. I knew what I did was wrong and stupid. I knew I could’ve just gone home to think it through but there was something about her. Something I couldn’t figure out yet. And it kept me coming back time and time again. I’ve spoken to my therapist about her a few times but never really gotten that deep into the whole subject. It seems like she will have to hear about this after all, cause I was lost.
I looked at her again and traced my finger through her hair. She shifted a little in her sleep. “Beautiful. Fucking beautiful.” I thought. The sheet wasn’t covering much of her body and my eyes peered over the arch in her back. Her left foot was curled next to mine and her skin was exuding so much warmth. The outline of her breast and the way her arm was curled up under the pillow made my dick twitch and I felt the need to touch her.
“No.” was my immediate thought. Not after last night. Not after what I did. So I decided to do the best thing I could come up with, the most rational thing any man in my position would do. I got up and started looking for my clothes. Yes, I was going to leave before she wakes up. Was that an even bigger dick move? Yes. Was I gonna regret this later? Probably not. Cause I was already regretting it.
“Mmh… No..Noahh..”
My head snapped back so fast I felt my neck crack and was almost certain that I wasn’t going to be able to look straight for a few minutes. She looked like she was still sleeping. I went over to her side to take a double look. The sheet was barely covering anything but her ankles at this point and her naked body was fully exposed to me. And god, was it a sight to see.
“Noah…”
Yes, that’s me. I’m here. And I look fucking stupid with my hard on, my bare ass and my socks in my hands. Her body shifted a little and I realized that she was taking in her sleep. I thought I’d give anything to be in her head right now, in this very moment.
“Y..yes, plea… please, No.. NOAH.”
My eyes were glued to her face and her own snapped open after that last scream. If I’ve never felt like a creep before, now was my time to shine.
“What the…” she was more shocked then me, for sure.
“That was a nice dream you were having, I reckon.”
I smiled at her, sitting down on her side of the bed. I saw the red creep up her cheeks and she covered herself swiftly with the sheet, still trying to wake up from whatever she was dreaming about.
“It’s nothing I haven’t seen already, babe. Plus I was enjoying the view. And the acoustics with it.”
I could feel the heat radiating from her and I knew I had to stop, but she was so cute when she was embarrassed.
“I, uhm.. I don’t know..”
“I mean, I take it as a compliment. I’m sleeping right next to you and you’re dreaming about me.”
“Don’t. Stop.”
“Well, it was more of a “yes, please, Noahh”, but “don’t stop” works just fine as well, I guess.” I shrugged and smirked at her.
Her hand flew so fast and the next thing I felt was a slap across my naked chest.
“Shut up. What are you doing up?”
Yeah, go explain now, dumbass. “Oh, nothing, just sneaking out, you know. Something every single respectable man, out there, would do.” I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared at her.
“Noah? Earth to Noah?!”
“Yeah, sorry. I was just about to go retrieve our clothes from.. all over the house, I guess. If your roommate hasn’t already found them.”
“Oh… yeah. You’re right. Fuck. Well, won’t be the first time.” she shrugged and let the sheet fall off her shoulders
I knew I wasn’t in a position to even try and touch her. I felt guilty in my core and all I wanted to do was apologize, but I never knew how. All I knew was running. I always ran when things got too serious, too deep, too complicated. I guess what they say about living in a burning house and thinking everything is on fire all the time, is really true after all.
I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice her body moving close to mine and jumped when her lips touched my left cheek and traced a wet line to my ear.
“Maybe we don’t have to get our clothes just yet.”
Fuck. Her breath was hot against my neck and all the hairs on my body stood on ends. It was almost pathetic how much my body responded to her every touch. I really was weak for her and she didn’t even know it. Not fully. Not really. She probably didn’t believe me either. I was always manipulating every situation after all.
“Y/N, I’ve to go. I have a meeting with the management in 2 hours.”
Not entirely true. It was in 4 hours. I had plenty of time to give her a couple of orgasms and get a coffee on the way home, but I didn’t want to exploit the situation.
“Mmh..no. Stay. A quickie. You’re halfway there anyway.”
She was looking down at my junk. And she was right. I didn’t need much. I had everything I wanted in front of me. Naked. And fucking divine.
“I know we didn’t talk things through. I know what’s going through your mind. Stop overthinking it. Stop overthinking us. It’s always a dead end. And I don’t wanna talk about it for now. I just want you. I want to feel you inside again.”
Her fingers traced mine and she started dragging my fingers up her thigh. She was warm and smooth and soft. So soft. She was putty in my hands. She was mine. I didn’t need to power play things. She gave in. Always. No one could take her from me. And she didn’t even need to tell me. I knew the power I held over her. She was water. And she was flowing through every single part of my being.
“Feel what you do to me.” she placed my hand right at the center “And feel it again.” and then guided one of my fingers between her folds “And again.” then added a second one “And then feel it again until you can’t feel it anymore.”
No, she wasn’t water in my hands. I was water. And she was the moon. And I shifted according her plan and energy. I moved at her speed. I was under her control and spell. She had me, not the other way around. I was hers entirely. And so I gave her what she wanted. I buried my fingers so deep inside of her, I felt her whole badly shake under my weight.
The world could wait.
“Lay down and spread your legs for me.”
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