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thatdarncatchronicles · 4 years

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That Darn Cat | Issue No. 4 | Jericho

Warnings | Snek (if you have a phobia, maybe skip this chapter?)

Ratings | K+

Genres | Friendship, Snark, Action, Suspense

Guest Stars | Edna (OC), Anaconda Man (OC)

Word Count | 1.5K

Summary: Selina provides unwanted backup when Jim makes the ill-advised, if extremely predictable, decision to hunt down the Anaconda Man all on his lonesome. Cue snek, sarcasm, and stubbornness from both parties.

Selina darted back against the alley wall as Jim Gordon climbed from his vehicle and stepped out into the light rain. He’d parked a couple blocks away from the projects. Smart.

To her surprise, he turned and began walking towards her. She dashed behind a dumpster barely in time to conceal herself before he entered the alley, but he didn't seem to be aware of her presence. Huh. Apparently she wasn't the only one with a working knowledge of Gotham's secret shortcuts. When Jim reached the end of the alley and turned the corner, Selina left the shadows of the dumpster and crept after him. The rational part of her brain whispered that it was just as dumb for her to follow Jim as he tracked a serial killer as it was for him to go after said serial killer alone. She ignored it. About half a block away from the killer's hideout, she closed the distance between them and fell into step beside him. "How ya doin, Detective?" Jim startled for the second time that night. "Selina! What are you doing here??" "Ideally? Keeping you from getting yourself killed." "You shouldn't be here." "Neither should you."

He shook his head in exasperation. "I'm not taking you in there with me." "Nope. I'm going in there with you." "No. No, you go home, Selina." She crossed her arms and planted her feet. "Fine." He raised his hands. "Fine. We'll both go home." Selina snorted. "Yeah, right. You'd drop me off at my place and come right back here. Besides. You got the tip from me." "Selina—" "How bout I shout "police" at the top of my lungs? Then he'll run off, find a new hidey-hole, and you can have fun tracking him down again while his little pet swallows folks like they’re rats." Jim rubbed his eyes. "I can't let you go in there. What if he's armed?" "You mean with more than a giant snake?" "What if he's got a gun?" "How about this—I'll take cover as soon as we're inside, and I'll only come out if you need me to smack him over the head with a booze bottle." Jim was shaking his head again. "You know I'm good in a fight. Come on, Gordon. He killed my cat." Jim sighed. "There's nothing I can say to make you stay back, is there?" "Nope!" She patted him on the back. "C'mon, Detective. It'll be fun!" She started down the alley, leaving Jim no choice but to follow. The apartment complex was eerily still and silent where it loomed over them, casting them in shadow. They stood looking up at it for a moment before Selina crept forward. "I saw the snake go in through a basement window." Jim grabbed her arm. "Selina—" "Don't even start, Gordon." Then she was making her way around the building, searching for a way in. They found a cellar door around the back, one of its doors torn away to reveal a cement staircase that gave in to black shadows after three and a half steps. Jim drew his gun and pulled out his flashlight before turning back to Selina. "You keep your promise. You find cover, and you do not come out unless I call you." Selina nodded. She would keep her word. He eyed her suspiciously until she rolled her eyes and whispered back, "I'll do what I said I’d do." Jim turned away reluctantly, switching on his flashlight and bracing it across his raised gun. Then he descended the stairs and was swallowed in blackness. Selina waited until he was far enough away with the flashlight for her own descent to be obscured, and then she planted a hand on the concrete and sprang into the shadows to the left of the steps. There was an alcove beneath the stairs, and she crept into it, listening intently and watching Jim's silhouette against the beam of his flashlight. She suddenly became aware of how afraid she was—adrenaline was surging through her, and she could hear her heartbeat pounding in her ears. Surely even Jim could hear that racket. She took a deep breath, then another. Better. But what if they could hear her breathing?? Then something cool and smooth and very much alive slid over her hand where it was braced on the ground, and her heart seemed to stop altogether. The snake was heavy, and Selina felt something sick in her stomach when its shape abruptly changed against her from smooth and sleek to a series of large, distended bulges. She clenched her jaw and tried not to think about what—who?—the bulges had once been. Not daring to move her hand or call out, she squeezed her eyes closed as the cool scales eased over her hand for what felt like an eternity. Eventually the body thinned into a tail, and then, with a final flick, it was gone. Selina heaved a silent sob of relief, but her elation was short lived.

The snake had slithered into the pool of light from the open doorway, and it was making a beeline for Jim. Selina's heart leapt into her throat as she tried to think of a way to warn the detective without endangering him. The snake was moving faster, now. Jim, still oblivious, took slow, careful steps forward, the beam from his flashlight sweeping to and fro as he searched for evidence of what was right behind him. Wanting nothing more than to scream in frustration and fear, Selina balled her hands into fists against the cold floor. And froze. Her left hand had closed around something small and hard.

A nail. She could work with that. Leaning further from her alcove, she tossed the bit of metal away from her and prayed it would be enough.

It was. The nail made a few tiny clinkclinkclinks against the concrete, and Jim whirled around, backpedaling when he caught sight of the creature now a scant yard from his feet. He shot it. Selina startled violently at the sudden sound and flash of light. The snake writhed and twitched, still advancing, but Jim stepped on its head, all his weight focused on the foot that trapped the creature. She heard a crunch, and Jim stepped back, shoulders slumping, head turning towards her hideout. The shadow came out of nowhere. Selina didn't even have time to call out a warning before the man slammed into Jim, knocking him to the ground and screaming something about Edna. The gun clattered across the floor. Selina was on her feet before she knew she was moving, swiping a pipe from the ground as she ran. She leapt over the still-twitching corpse of Edna and swung with all her might at Jim’s attacker. Her blow struck true against his shoulders, and he fell. Darting around to go for his head, she swung again, but he wrapped his arms around her ankles and she crashed to the ground. She was obliged to discard pipe in favor of defending her eyes as her attacker clawed at her face, still shrieking the name of his dead pet at the top of his lungs. Then Jim dove at him and they rolled a few feet away. There was a brief scuffle, but Jim fought his way on top and pounded the man's face until he went still. He sat there for a moment, panting, before turning the man over and pulling out his cuffs. He looked over to where Selina was picking herself up. “You okay?" "Yeah, I'm—I'm fine. I'm good." She took a deep breath and clenched her fists to squeeze away the trembling.

“I told you not to come out unless I called you.” Jim’s gentle voice didn’t match the reproach in his words as he clicked the cuffs closed and got to his feet.

“Like you were gonna call me. Besides, I said I would keep my word. I didn’t say anything about yours.”

Jim opened his mouth to speak, but a movement behind him snagged her eye and she cut him off. "Jim!" The perp had scrambled to his feet and was barreling towards one of the iron supports, slamming into it full tilt. Dust showered down on them, and before either Jim or Selina could react, he was running again, straight at another brace. This time, chunks of plaster came down. Time slowed as the old building groaned above them and Jim turned towards her with wide eyes. "Run." She did. She saw the killer make it through the cellar door and felt Jim hot on her heels as the rumbling intensified. Then there came the shrieking of metal and Selina was knocked to the ground for the second time as Jim braced himself over her.

The last thing she heard was Jim's pained grunt as a sudden weight took the air from her lungs and the building came down on top of them. A/N: To be continued...

Previous chapters linked below! Thank you for reading, hooman. You is kind. You is smart. You is beautiful. I love you!

Make sure to follow @thatdarncatchronicles and #thatdarncat (no spaces!) to never miss an installment! :)

Issue No. 3 | An Unexpected Party:

https://thatdarncatchronicles.tumblr.com/post/621198286498512896/that-darn-cat-issue-no-3-an-unexpected-party

Issue No. 2 | A Hint of Pesto Aioli:

https://thatdarncatchronicles.tumblr.com/post/620559916396052480/that-darn-cat-issue-no-2-a-hint-of-pesto?is_related_post=1

Issue No. 1 | Of Spaghetti and Sneezes:

https://thatdarncatchronicles.tumblr.com/post/620372790294528001/that-darn-cat-issue-no-1-of-spaghetti-and?is_related_post=1

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bobasheebaby · 4 years

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100 Roseanne Prompts

I usually try to stick to quotes that can work for everyone but some of these were too good to skip. Break at 15 like always. Request a show

1 “Hey, all our lives suck.” — Roseanne

2 “Here's why you can't trust your kids 'cause they're stupid. That's why we don't give 'em cars or booze.” — Roseanne

3 “Etsy is like a yard sale except online because nobody can afford a yard anymore.” — Darlene

4 “All of your relatives died from alcoholism. The ones that didn't drink were killed by the ones who did.” — Roseanne

5 “Did all of your children's deliveries go according to your birth plan?” “Um, they found their way out, if that's what you mean.” — Andrea & Roseanne

6 “You gotta pick your fights in life.” — Roseanne

7 “Okay, he doesn't have to wear pants, but he's gotta wear underwear.” — Dan

8 “It is not my fault that I just happen to be a charismatic person who's always right about everything.” — Roseanne

9 “Why are you picking on me? What, did I take the last doughnut, or something?” — Darlene

10 [Person B is embarrassed after walking in on Person C nursing her baby] “Oh, now, NAME. It's not like you've never seen breasts before.” “NAME’s my friend. As far as I'm concerned, she has no breasts... It works for me, okay?” — Roseanne & Dan

11 “The car has heated seats? Thank God, I thought I was going through the change.” — Roseanne

12 [stoned and laying the bathtub] “Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?” — Jackie

13 “In this house, I'm in charge and father knows squat.” — Roseanne

14 “What's up? I smell fear. I love that smell! But what's up?” — Roseanne

15 “Do you have anything sharp I can stick in my eye?” — Dan

16 “You are really, really gettin' on my nerves today, man! I mean more than usual!” — Dan

17 “Well, you think you can stop me from seeing NAME, huh?” “I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.” — Mark & Dan

18 “You were always trying to push us apart. You were always putting me down!” — Mark Healey

19 “My marriage is not based on me listening!” — Roseanne

20 “Why don't you just kiss my butt?” “Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo!” — Becky & Darlene

21 “You are just evil!” — Jackie

22 “Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a looong, hard look at yourself, NAME, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours.” “Just figure that out?” — Jackie & Roseanne

23 “I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him/her?” “Well, it started out that way.” — Roseanne & Dan

24 “Being your own boss isn't that great of a deal. Last week I sexually harassed myself.” — Dan

25 “Hell, even I don't hate her that much.” — Dan

26 “Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous.” “Just don't shoot any milk out of you nose, and you'll be fine.” — Becky & Roseanne

27 “Please, NAME, I don't want you to help me, I just want you to leave me alone ... Please.” — Darlene

28 “Don’t toy with me, NAME.” — Roseanne

29 “We, have had a fight, and we're not speaking to each other.” “Oh, well, what was the fight about? Maybe I can take a side.” — Roseanne & Jackie

30 “He/She wanted to do something; I didn't feel like it.” “Yeah, well, so what are you going to do?” “Nothing.” “That's what you did last weekend!” “Yeah, well I'm not finished.” — Darlene & Roseanne

31 “No, NAME always was the bad influence.” — Roseanne

32 “Talking - it's like yelling, only not as loud.” — Roseanne

33 “Yeah, but you know what they say, NAME. They say, ah, when you really love something you should, you know, make it go away or get rid of it, or whatever.” — Roseanne

34 “You're acting like a crazed psychopath.” [snorts] “Well the voices in my head disagree.” — Dan & Roseanne

35 [on getting married] “I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did. You obviously don't agree.” “No, I do agree with you, it was the smartest thing you ever did, but we're talking about me now!” — Dan & Roseanne

36 [Person A and Person B bury the hatchet] “So, I guess we've finally approached the end of Bitch-Fest YEAR.” “Oh what a time we had!” — Roseanne & Darlene

37 “You can't tell NAME what to do. She's a big girl!” [snarls] “Compared to who?” — David & Roseanne

38 “What kind of list is he/she making? Not that it's any of my business.” “A hit list.” — Beverly & Dan

39 [feeling for pulse] “I think he’s/she's dead.” [steps back] “Check again.” “I know how to count to zero.” — Roseanne & Dan

40 “What was the second thing you noticed about me?” — Roseanne

41 “Aw, get off the sympathy wagon, NAME; there were plenty of guys/girls standing in line for you to treat 'em like dirt. I was just the lucky one.” — Dan

42 “You are rotten rotten kids, and I can't even believe I'm related to you two!” — Jackie Harris

43 “You'll just do something stupid that you're going to regret later.” — Roseanne

44 “I'm your husband/wife. That's my right.” — Dan

45 [finds present] “You're not going to open it, are you? It's two days away.” “Yea! Well I need time to practice pretending like I like it.” [pulls something ugly from the box] “Oh man, I should'a opened it a week ago.” — Jackie & Roseanne

46 “Oh, this is going to be soooo great!” — Darlene

47 “What's the catch?” “No catch, can't we do something nice?” “I don't know, you never have.” — Roseanne & Becky

48 “Oh my God. You're kidding me!” — Roseanne

49 “Save your breath, NAME, you're not gonna talk me into dropping this lawsuit.” “Well, maybe I can talk you into begging for your life.” — Fred & Roseanne

50 “I'm way more powerful than any law!” — Roseanne

51 “Well NAME, I guess you're just not the man/woman I thought you were ... and I wasn't too happy with that one!” — Roseanne

52 “We should've known, NAME, men stick together no matter how butt headed their argument is.” — Becky

53 [about Person b and person c’s sex life] “You're kidding? You guys have a night?” “Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.” You have a time too?” “Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.” “Well, you should make him wait half-an-hour after he eats.” — Jackie & Roseanne

54 “Oh, c'mon. Just because you guys aren't having "Wednesday", doesn't mean he’s/she's out ... "Wednesday-ing" somebody else.” — Jackie

55 “What's the matter with you, boy/girl? Can't keep your pants on?” — Dan

56 “Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are!” “We are sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me!” — Dan & Roseanne

57 “Have you met NAME?” — Roseanne

58 “Gee, I'd love to NAME, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes.” — Darlene

59 “Remember one thing, NAME, I'm your worst nightmare!” — Jackie

60 “You always say how you want better things for us.” “Ah, yea, but I was talking about me and your Dad. You kids already got it too good.” — Becky & Roseanne

61 “You are a controlling bitch!” — Dan

62 “Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -“ “What? Say it.” “Nothin'.” “Well that makes two of us.“ — Dan & Roseanne

63 “Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.” “Yeah, an ass ... And where do you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? You're from PLACE!” — Ronnie & Roseanne

64 “I can't believe that I wasted TIME hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you. You're a bitch!” [gasps] “I'm a bitch? Hah! I bow to the queen of all bitches.” — Roseanne & Ronnie

65 “Look me in the eye and tell me it was an accident. And remember ... I can tell when you're lying.” “It was an accident ... could you tell?” — Roseanne & DJ

66 “I could go for something to eat.” “Yeah? Well, then go.” [motions toward the door] — Arnie & Roseanne

67 “You're going to flunk marriage if you can't pass the oral ... oh my God ...” “We know too much, we know too much.” — Dan & Fred

68 “NAME, where'd you get those jelly beans?” “From the bin at store.” “NAME, I told you, you gotta finish eating them while you're in the store, 'else it's stealing!” — Roseanne & DJ

69 “I never thought I would say this ... I'm too depressed to drink.” — Dan

70 “Let's just cut the crap, okay. You're talking to NAME’s mother here, the mother of all mothers and she is majorly mad.” — Roseanne

71 “NAME, NAME, NAME. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.” — Roseanne

72 “This is for the pain.” “Owwww. Make it a double.” — Nurse & Jackie

73 “I hate to see you laying here in pain like this.” “Well actually, ever since he/she gave me that shot, I'm feelin' kinda neat.” — Gary & Jackie

74 “I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like NAME does for you.” “Are you insane! You know how many years I had to put into NAME? You think he/she came out of a box like that!” — Jackie & Roseanne

75 “What do you think your punishment oughta be?” “What do you mean?” “NAME told me everything.” “That little rat.” “But I told him/her I wasn't going to do anything until I get your side of the story.” “Well first we, wait a minute, uh, uh --“ “You're getting good.” — Roseanne & Becky

76 “I worked it out with NAME, he’s/she's gonna stay here and babysit and I'm gonna go out.” “Why would he/she do that?” “I have dirt on him/her. “ “What kind of dirt?” “Now if I told you, I'd have to stay home.” [person a leaves] — Darlene & Roseanne

77 [Person A is acting like a hunchback] “I brought the baggage master, where do you wish me to put it?” “Just put it anywhere Igor.” “Maybe later you and me.” “We'll see.” You're so kind.” [ kisses hand] — Dan & Roseanne

78 [about child’s behavior] “NAME you did stuff like that when you were NAME’s age right?” “No, the boy's odd.” — Roseanne & Dan

79 [offering to the family] “Hey, I got one more pancake.” “I want French toast!” “Well, you better move to Europe.” — Roseanne & DJ

80 [Person A, angry, grabs keys and leaves the house] “Oh God. This is really bad.” “Yeah, I know.” “Oh no. I mean, this is really bad. I'm parked behind him/her.” — Jackie & Dan

81 “Yeah, I do. And we're not going to put him/her through that again, are we?” — Dan

82 [comes in through the front door] “NAME, you all ready to go?” [whining] “I don't wa-haant to-o-o-o! I feel like a used piece of gum that somebody stuck under the table, just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor.” — Jackie & Roseanne

83 “You HAVE to take this job ... you're the only one that applied!” — Marsha

84 [grabs the syrup bottle and comes up behind PERSON B] “Remember me, NAME?” [look of terror] “Not Mrs. Butterworth ... please not Mrs. Butterworth.” “Remember how your brother/sister NAME told you how I came to life at night in the cupboard? Remember how I would chase you around even though I have no legs? Well I'm back and I just want one more sticky kiss!” [PERSON B screams] — Roseanne & Jackie

85 “I hope I see you later, I mean, a lot later.” — Roseanne

86 [after the birth] “I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I?” “No more than usual.” — Roseanne & Dan

87 [about kid dressed as a lawyer] “That's the scariest costume all night.” — Roseanne

88 [going through the candy bowl] “This is all sugar in here.” “Not true, there're chemicals too.” — David & Roseanne

89 “You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need.” [gets fruit from the kitchen] “What the hell is that?” “Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper.” “That's unsanitary.” — David, Roseanne & Dan

90 “Did you see the Great Pumpkin last night?” “No, NAME wore pajamas.” — Jackie & Roseanne

91 [discussing Person C] “She's rude and selfish.” “I know, but, inside she's just a ... scared little girl.” Yeah, and I know what's scaring her, the raging bitch on the outside.” — Dan & Roseanne

92 “I'll be back later to give you your present.” “Why can't I just open it now?” “I haven't bought it yet.” — Jackie & Roseanne

93 “And don't you ever feed my dog!” “If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!” — Roseanne

94 “I really don't think it's wise for anyone in this family to be giving away livers.” — Beverly

95 “Say 'I'm not taking any crap from anyone'.” “I am ...” “Stop! It's not 'I am', it's 'I'm'.” “I'm not taking any... do I have to say the C word?” “Yes you do, NAME, because that's the most important word.” “I'm not taking any crap from anyone.” “That was good but are you serving tea, NAME? Get mad and say it.” [louder] “I'm not taking any crap from anyone!” “Good, now personalize it, make it your own.” [louder] “I'm not taking any damn crap from anyone!” — Roseanne & Doris

96 “Hey, where's my 'My other mug is a shot glass' mug?” — Roseanne

97 “Why are you gettin' so mad at me?” “Because you are making me defend NAME.” — Becky & Roseanne

98 “I am not sexist. I'm much too frightened of women to be sexist.” — David

99 “Get me a beer.” “Get it yourself, slob!” — Mark & Darlene

100 “I can't believe you're jealous over this.” “Why not? It's very typical of me.”

#roseanne quotes #roseanne prompts #dialogue prompts #writing prompts #roseanne conner #dan conner #darlene conner #dj conner #becky conner #mark healy #david healy #jackie harris #beverly harris #quaratine sucks and making these keeps my mind busy #i live in covid 19 hell

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