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kiwi2229 · 8 months

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Reaching for

(Sirius Black / Remus Lupin | 896 words)

CW: Sirius' trauma from Azkaban

Sirius is wearing Remus’ jumper and trousers. Remus had to lend them to him since he doesn’t own anything anymore. Not even clothes. Not after Azkaban. He is sitting on the floor his back pressed against the sofa. Remus is right next to him. Both of them are breathing heavily as the silence stretches between them. They’ve been arguing for days since Sirius showed up at Remus’ flat. The arguments were vicious. Anger and pain are powering every word, every raised voice.

When the rage subsides, Sirius is left empty. He is tired of fighting. Fighting to escape Azkaban, to live on a street for almost a year, to look for his former friend. He doesn’t want to fight anymore. He just wants to sleep. He is so tired. Everything in him screams to give up. But one look at his friend, the love of his life, keeps him going. He will fight for Remus. To have him in his life again. It’s worth it. He is worth it.

Remus looks at him and sights. He gets up silently urging Sirius to do the same. He has no idea what is happening. Usually, their fights end up with one of them storming out. But today it was different and Remus waited for him. “I’m tired Sirius. I don’t want to fight, we’ve both given up so much already, been through too much. You just got back after twelve years. And I don’t want to fight. I just want to be with you.”

They both know that this is not how it works. But it’s what they both want and maybe that’s enough. “Me too, Moons.”

Remus gives him a tired smile. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” He stretches his arm out offering his hand to Sirius to take it. It’s the first time Remus suggested they will share a bed. Until now Sirius was sleeping on the sofa alone.

He stares at the hand. Aching to take it but terrified at the same time. No one touched him in thirteen years. Not without the intention of hurting him. Not, accept the embrace with Remus in the shrieking shack a year ago. But that’s tainted by Peter being there. Everything happened so fast that Sirius doesn’t even remember the embrace. Not fully, not how it felt to be held by someone.

Since the Halloween of 1981, every touch was meant to punish him. And Remus is standing here with sincerity in his eyes waiting for Sirius to do the simple thing and take his hand. But what if Sirius is so broken that even this touch will hurt? It would destroy him.

“Pads?” Remus asks confused taking a step closer. Sirius hates he instinctively takes a step back. “What’s wrong?”

Sirius bites his lower lip keeping it from trembling. “You don’t want to sleep in the bed with me? I’m sorry, I just thought… never mind.” Remus says quietly.

“I want to,” Sirius whispers his voice on the verge of breaking.

“So, what is it?”

Sirius wraps his arms around himself, one hooking over his elbow and the other on his side. Holding himself together. Protecting the only thing he has left, his body. Destroyed and broken, but still his. He is swiping his thumb over his skin in an attempt to soothe himself. It never really worked, but it was his only option. Remus is observing him. “Sirius?”

“No one touched me in thirteen years without hurting me,” Sirius admits embarrassed. He thinks how pathetic it sounds.

“I won’t hurt you,” Remus says, and Sirius can hear the hurt in his voice. He tries to smile at Sirius, but even Remus can’t hide the sadness. He holds out his hand once again and waits. “I promise I won’t hurt you.”

It takes Sirius a long time to get his breathing under control. As he takes a step closer, his whole body is screaming at him. When he reaches for Remus, all he can hear in his mind is run. He pushes through. His fingers are hovering only inches above the palm of Remus’ hand. He can feel the heat coming from the other man. He holds his breath and lets his hand fall onto Remus’ who immediately closes his fingers around it.

Sirius was right. It hurts. It hurts so much he thinks he will die. His breath is caught in his throat turning into hot steam. It’s different from the pain he is used to. That one came from outside. This one is tearing him from the inside. It’s his broken soul crying. He forgot. He forgot how gentle touch feels.

His legs stopped working, and he is falling, his vision blurry. He feels a strong arm catch him right before he hits the floor. He knows it’s Remus. He flinches anyway.

“Sirius, Pads. I got you, okay? I won’t hurt you.” Remus keeps chanting. He holds Sirius close. His body is shaking. Every time Remus touches a new part of his body, he flinches. Remus tries to put some distance between them in worry he is making it worse for Sirius this way.

Sirius clings to him. “No, please don’t leave.”

“I won’t,” Remus reassures him, holding him close. Holding him together. For the first time in thirteen years, Sirius breaks down, and there is someone else to help put back the pieces.

#I thought about this HC today #Now I'm devastated #This is one of the saddest things I've ever wrote #We have Wolfstar for a change #i cried while writing this #wolfstar #sirius black #remus lupin #remus x sirius #sirius black x remus lupin #wolfstar microfic #post azkaban sirius #Post azkaban Wolfstar #marauders #marauders era #Kiwi2229 writes microfics

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hearteyes-wheeler · 3 months

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watched train to busan for the first time to try and distract myself and NOW I'M CRYING EVEN MORE WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

#it's such a good movie but oh my fucking god #I didn't think I would fucking cry???? i thought it would just be a spooky zombie movie but NO #NOW I'M DEVASTATED #HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP NOW 😭😭😭#10/10 would recommend but holy fuck #i'm gonna kms #life changing fr fr #or maybe i'm just dramatic but OW

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lazylittledragon · 5 months

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domesticating your vampire: a memoir

(beautiful high res version on patre0n)

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #tavstarion #KARLACH #i nearly forgot her #when you just escaped vampire slavery but now you have to save for a down payment #i can't stress how important it is to me that astarion has a birthday #i don't know why #also sex is fine but have you ever had someone wash your hair for you. there is nothing more intimate #i'm devastated that i had to desaturate the polaroid because the lighting was so pretty

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ruporas · 10 months

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chapter 90 vash

#vash the stampede #trigun #trigun maximum #trimax spoilers #trigun spoilers #i forget how the blacklist stuff works on tumblr again... uncertain whether it matters or not for it to be in the caption itself #anyway my mind was reflecting again on the later chapters of trigun :lying down: i'm not sure how to collect my thoughts #but i think all the time about vash's “if i shoot him now she'll die” line in ch 15 #and considering vash haven't had long at all to grieve after ch 64... aughh... augh.... mourning both of them in ch 91 #vash's emotional state after 64 is really so. It's devastating watching him bc he's still being all smiley around his friends and allies #but when he's alone - charging the bullets and during those first two battles - he's just so quiet #and all of that kept emotion just breaks like a dam in 90... all of that to say.. legato is really incredible dgmks #ruporas art

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destielmemenews · 8 months

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source 1

source 2

#destiel meme #destiel meme news #united states #us news #news #tw death #smash mouth #all star #steve harwell #shaking my fist at god #right now #first jimmy now the smash mouth guy?????#i'm devastated #:(#somebody check on neil cicierega #shrek

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thebibliosphere · 9 months

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I got my biopsy results today. The good news is there's no new or unknown disease wrecking my insides.

The bad news is it's most likely my MCAS burning down my GI tract.

I say "likely" because the GI doctor had the humility to admit the medical world doesn't know enough (yet) about conditions like MCAS to say for sure, only that the areas biopsied showed elevated numbers of mast cells and that the inflammation and damage are consistent with mast cell dysfunction.

I got to watch in real-time as the GI doctor added the mast cell stabilizers to my regimen of meds, the exact ones the allergist denied me 3 years ago because he said I needed psych treatment and was mistaking anxiety for anaphylaxis because I 'googled too many things.'

Part of me hopes the allergist gets notified and chokes to death on eating crow. A larger part of me is just relieved it happened before I developed internal bleeding or cancer.

Anyway. We're testing new meds soon to try and bring down my base inflammation to something lower than "my insides literally feel like they're burning."

I'm also starting even more supplements to try and combat the mass deficiencies likely being caused by the MCAS inflammation. I've been told to take twice the daily recommended amount of pre-natal supplements on top of my existing regimen, and if that fails, they'll start infusions. (The hope is that my stomach isn't so far gone that oral meds won't help, so fingers crossed.)

Apparently, this is the year we finally stop my gradual death from malnutrition for good. Well, better late than never, I guess.

#chronic health tag #mcas #I'm trying not to be angry #or ill wish the allergist #but I'd be lying if I said I'm not wishing devastating bodily harm on him right now #hmm #probably something for therapy

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ghostofchaos-past · 10 months

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was nobody, NOBODY, on this fucking hellsite going to tell me there was no helpful "hey crowley, I've just been discorporated, no need to worry, I've just got to find a receptive body and then I'll meet you at the air base!" in the book??

so here crowley is, about to drive into the wall of flame in his bentley like an absolute king, EXCEPT IN THE BOOK IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S GEARING HIMSELF UP TO DIE.

he's lost the angel he's been in love with for 6,000 years, and the only way out of london is to be discorporated, but he knows if he goes back to hell it'll be alot worse than that. so, whats his first thought now that he's lost everything and is about to die?

WHAT THE HELL, IF YOU'VE GOTTA GO, THEN GO WITH STYLE.

#so good omens is in the bad book time out corner now #I'm fucking devastated #good omens #good omens book #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #sobbing

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hamartia-grander · 1 year

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Wasn't crying until he said that :/

#serennedy #devastating #Leon: don't call me Sancho I'm not your squire >:(#Leon when Luis dies: My Knight⚔️in shining armour😔I would have followed you anywhere🥰you were so brave👑so strong😓rest in power💪❤️#amazing development everyone you can all go home now #serrenedy #resident evil 4 remake #resident evil 4 #re4 #re4 remake #re4r #re #resident evil #resident evil memes #re memes

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what-am-i-doing-in-this-fandom · 6 months

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"Was... a waste of your time...?"

Unbelievable how a crumb of Jay has me acting

#that pan up establishing shot had me frothing at the mouth #had me barking and jumping around fr #can't believe i used to not really like jay- during my first watchthrough of the show i could not have been less interested in him #look at me now- getting so excited i almost pass out at the sight of him #20 eps and he got a solid 18 seconds of screen time #devastating #cole's art #jay walker #lego ninjago #lego ninjago jay #lego ninjago dragons rising #lego ninjago dragons rising spoilers #dragons rising spoilers #he looked SO good in that suit- i'm actually tearing up looking at the reference pic #sassy jay my beloved <3

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mlobsters · 2 months

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supernatural s11e20 don't call me shurley (w. robbie thompson)

#happy valentine's day #supernatural #mygifs #sam and dean #spn 11x20 #dean winchester #sam winchester #robbie thompson #spngifs #frustrating episode because in isolation this scene is heartbreaking and i'm crying over it now - yet in the episode i was 😐#because it felt so contrived! and got resolved immediately. and sam had nearly died a few episodes ago!#but they executed it really well and the Feelings are definitely there #i just wish it had taken place in an episode that for me had room to breathe and feel the impact of it #because it's just devastating at the end there where dean is having to deal with watching him slowly die #my more thorough bitching is in my recap with the episode tag #anyway i was croaking along to fare thee well in the car tonight and was gonna post a video clip of that #but then realized this was more thematically appropriate for the day #sam and dean mush

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fearandhatred · 2 months

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one day this project will be done. today is not that day but look i made them hold hands

panels 1, 2, 8, and 9 of panel 2. i think this one is panel 5. idk anymore

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sweetbunnytears · 1 year

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#i just recently ordered a new vanity and i saw this and now i'm literally devastated #kawaii #pink #cute #aes #aesthetic #cutecore #pinkcore #girly #adorable #coquette #princesscore #coquettecore #vanity

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furiousgoldfish · 8 months

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When you grow up having the worst possible things happening to you around every corner, you can't just keep living your life without expecting the worst.

This isn't even paranoia, it's learning by experience. You can't just start expecting nice and safe and kind things to be put in your way, if they never were, it would not be backed up by any real-life experience you had. It would feel like you're dreaming if you suddenly expect your life to change completely and contain different events from anything you've experienced before. We don't work like that. We learn from experience. We can only predict what's ahead by looking at what's behind us, our collective experience on earth is the only pointer we have to what else we can expect to happen.

If you often told that your expectations are twisted, or that you're just looking for the worst in people, or assuming everyone has bad intentions, that's not something you should be blamed for. After suffering abuse and mistreatment, you have to be on the lookout for these things to prevent the worst and to save your life. You cannot afford to get trapped in abuse again, you have to look at every person and ask yourself, what is the worst they're capable of. What would they do if they had the complete power over me. And you have to work with that, make sure it doesn't get to it, as much as it's in your power to do so.

Abuse victims have to go above and beyond to keep themselves safe, because we get targeted. It's not something we want to do, or something we do to make our own lives difficult. We don't enjoy it. We want to be safe. We want to let our guard down. We want to relax and believe we're surrounded by people who wouldn't harm us. But, if we're wrong, the consequences can be disastrous. And getting abused by someone we trusted was safe for us, that is not something we can survive endless times in life.

#learning from experience #abuse recovery #healing from abuse #trauma recovery #vigilance being misdiagnosed as paranoia #assuming bad attentions to keep ourselves safe #i made this mistake too many times recently #and now i'm in the worst mess psychologically then i was years ago :(#i was supposed to be getting better from trauma #instead i'm devastated on a whole new level #i didn't realize how vulnerable i could be as an adult #i lost the faith in myself after being betrayed like this

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quick-catton · 2 months

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