#Not just the rogues but I'll probably elaborate more on that later
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Meat Marionette #11?
Thinkin about the rogues in this Au, and like, the difference between their relationship with the bats vs this Au.
For example, Selina. I’ll admit I take a bit of inspiration from the 2022 movie and mix it with comic depictions along with the different cartoons, which honestly isn’t too different from each other by too much. Now, I don’t think that Catwoman would flirt with this version of Batman, what with his body being a meat puppet that is visibly not human and off putting.
There’s also the fact that she would have been an early-ish rogue of his, at least in order of encounters. Which means that she probably encounters the Bat for the first time while Bruce was still getting used to said gifted body, which in turn was probably terrifying.
So there’s still a cat and mouse game happening, but it’s more akin to Selina doing her darn best to avoid the Bat no matter what, because to her it isn’t above trying to kill. It’s like seeing a lion where you figure you’re safe at this distance, until it starts moving and you realize that you are definitely not far enough away.
Another rogue that I am thinking of is Harvey and Two-Face (Which DC, give Two-Face a proper name :/ he’s his own dude even if they share a body). Harvey was best friends with Bruce, hell they were practically high-school sweethearts in some cases! And Bruce still visits him in Arkham, canonically still talks and interacts with both his friend and TF.
Now if anyone is going to notice the changes to Bruce, it’s going to be Harvey. He’s going to be the first to notice how Bruce’s movements are now dangerous and downright predatory, with too much grace even for a dancer or martial artist. There’s something familiar about that movement, and Harvey isn’t an idiot, TF isn’t one either. They know there’s something wrong with Bruce even if he insists he’s fine.
In canon Harvey straight up broke down and cried when he found out Bruce was Batman, so I’m wondering what their reaction to this version of the bat would be…
There’s also rogues like the Riddler and the Joker who are downright obsessed with Batman, but would they still be with this one? I could see Joker slowly becoming obsessed as the creatures continue to thwart him over and over again, but I’m still rotating Riddler.
But y’know who would definitely be obsessed with the batclan?
Scarecrow.
The man is obsessed with studying fear, with the effects it has and how to cause it. So the bats, who bring terror wherever they go, with something about them continuously tingling at the back of ones’ more instinctive mind that this is something to fear? He would be utterly enthralled, he’d need to know more, he’d need to know Everything.
Especially if his fear toxin doesn’t work right on them. After all, how would a gas effect something without lungs? How can you inject something that doesn’t have blood, that’s not quite alive, not in the way that we as humans understand? How can you cause fear of something that has stared into the Tunnels’ heart and lived? Or something like that lol.
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AU is a combo of my cryptid batfam and @phoenixcatch7 's Possessed Doll au, go check them out, they're amazing
#rambles#meat marionette au#batman au#I am just pondering how the dynamics with certain rogues are effected#Like Harley and Bruce both went to medschool around the same time and definitely could've shared classes#Like mans is surprisingly connected directly to so many of his rogues#Not to mention the main thing that got me pondering this being the Al Ghuls#Like in my Genesis story I have Damian created from stolen blood since they don't know that the bat is the same as bruce#But idk if this would also happen in this AU or not seeing as the meat puppets don't exactly have blood per se#But maybe it could have something to do with them literally drinking lazarus water too#hngh i have no idea what to do with them :/#batman#batfam#cryptid batman#cryptid batfam#wayne family#gotham rogues#But seriously pondering about their relationships#Not just the rogues but I'll probably elaborate more on that later#like for example would Dick found the Titans when he doesn't have a falling out with Bruce?#hm
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Hello! My name is Sapph! Welcome to my RP blog!
This blog is for an indie, witch, OC of mine: Cassia Keller.
I'm currently making a more well put together bio page for her (including different verses), but in the mean time, this is where you'll find all the information you need <3
(Last Update: 1/1/2024)
Here are a few things to know (Feel free to read just the bolded stuff if you’re in a hurry, the unbolded just elaborates):
Mun is 25+ and will only rp with those who are 18+! If you aren’t 18+ please don’t interact. I’m just not comfortable with it.
I don’t write much smut, so I apologize if things head that way and I end up dropping the thread without warning (I don’t usually drop threads intentionally, it’s probably just stuck in my drafts until I’m in the headspace to write it, but that day might never come, so I apologize).
I have a separate side blog for nsfw content! I'll might reblog some smutty over there, though in general I prefer to write it on discord. It's not a smut shaming thing and I'll never judge anyone for writing it on their main blog! I just don't feel confident in my smut writing abilities so I like to keep it a bit separate sometimes.
I’m super slow with replies most of the time. Totally feel free to give me a nudge if it’s been a while since I’ve replied. I lose track of stuff so easily and then feel like I’m not allowed to reply to it when I remember it because it’s been a while.
I’m technically semi-selective, but mostly not selective at all. Aside from the rule of only writing with muns who are 18+, I’m actually not particularly selective.
I’ll ship just about anything with just about anyone, but I still reserve the right to not ship with a character, especially on first interaction.
Cassia is bisexual, so I'll ship her with any gender <3
REBLOG KARMA: I try to be respectful and reblog things from the source or from a meme blog or whatever because I understand why people don’t want to be feel like they’re being used as a meme source. If I ever reblog something from you that isn’t a reply, I’m sorry. I try not to let it happen, but sometimes it does.
That said: REBLOG WHATEVER YOU WANT FROM ME. Seriously, it doesn’t bother me at all. You don’t even have to send me a meme to reblog it. Just... go ahead. Reblog it. It’s totally fine by me <3 (Though I would definitely prefer if you sent me a meme when you reblog.)
OOC conversation can be really hard for me. I try and usually I’m fine when it comes to plotting, but I drop the ball a lot or come off as cold a lot because I just don’t have the energy to talk ooc a lot of the time. Please don’t take it personally, it’s just that my social battery is usually at 40% or less in general oTL
If we’re shipping something together and you’ve decided you don’t ship it anymore / don’t want to write it anymore- please just tell me. It'll make life a lot easier on both of us <3
I may add more rules at a later point, but I think these are the most important ones <3
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if you're interested i always wanna hear about oota npcs...! how'd you approach topsy and turvy?
heyyyy!! sorry it took me so long to reply, I was trying to do the responsible thing and finish my homework Before I got to do fun things on tumblr. (I still have a math project left to do tonight, but it's only due at midnight, it's fiiiiiine.) this is probably going to be another long one, so I'll just put a cut here right now :)
okay, so!! the Tinsplitter twins (yes I made up a surname for them, same as I did for Buppido and Derendil and Jimjar, because No One Can Stop Me):
they're somewhere in the range of 15-20, age-wise. not children in the same way Stool is (they are a whole two months old, I have decided), but definitely not adults either. I started by having them always whispering to each other about something, with Topsy coming up to one of the surface-er PCs (might have been the rogue?) to ask her if she remembers what day it is (and therefore what phase the moon is in, because I've decided that a lunar cycle is three tendays for the sake of my sanity). the twins refused to elaborate on why they were asking, and after they received their answer, they went back to debating between themselves. I had this whole other foreshadowing planned out where Topsy would struggle with kleptomania and Turvy would struggle with even worse paranoia due to their wererat instincts, but I was also trying to juggle the Sarith foreshadowing and Jimjar foreshadowing and Ront's storyline with the barbarian and Shuushar Stories and Stool getting adopted by the fighter, so that particular idea fell by the wayside, alas. still, in a bit of text-based RP between sessions, the rogue and the bard had a little chat with Jimjar where they shared their theories on the twins (as well as the secretly dhampir barbarian) and bet on when one of them would "cause a commotion." (Jimjar is literally my setting's moon deity in disguise. of course he fucking knows when the full moon is coming, and of course he won that bet. this is another bit of foreshadowing that I'm trying to set up :D)
just last session was the full moon, and oh boy, was it tasty. the ranger had cast alarm around the camp and had included the twins in the list of people that could set it off, so he was immediately pinged when the twins snuck off in the middle of the night. they left the following note scrawled on one of the walls in ormu pigment: Sorry. Must leave. Not safe. Do not follow. Thank you. -T&T.
they had taken all their stuff with them, indicating that they had no intentions of returning to camp. it was this, plus the fact that they're fucking children, that convinced the ranger and the fighter to go looking for them. Jimjar dragged the rogue along (they had that fun long-term madness due to a night spent in faerzress where they were each other's lucky charms), and Buppido and the bard also came along, if I recall correctly. (I think Ront had already died and the barbarian had been fucking kicked out of the party during some truly terrifying-for-me-as-a-DM RP at this point, hence the barbarian's absence. fun fact, the artificer in my PC art post is the player's replacement character, and I'm so excited to finally meet him.) the group easily passed the survival check to follow the twins' trail (the droplets of blood from where Topsy had been clawing at her own skin didn't exactly make it hard) and came across the twins in a small cavern overlooking a 60-foot cliff. (the cliff was my failsafe in case things started looking like a TPK. thankfully, we didn't need it.) Turvy begged for the party to run, because Topsy was in too much pain to speak, and then they transformed, and it was time to roll for initiative!
the last thing I wanted was a death match, so I played the twins as fighting more out of animalistic fear and a perceived need for self-defense than anything, which fits with the wererat lore I later established in the homebrew mechanics doc I sent out to my players for review. this did allow for the bard to give the party a safe exit from the cavern with a peace offering of food and a very good animal handling check--but not before Turvy bit the ranger in like round one and the ranger rolled a 9 on his con save. (I had him roll another con save at the start of his next turn to see if he would start transforming because what the fuck do you do in this situation the DMG never covered this, and, well. . . nat 1.)
in the morning, when the detransformed ranger led the similarly detransformed twins back to camp, Topsy and Turvy were absolutely miserable. they felt horribly guilty for having passed on their curse, and they were fully packing up their bags and preparing to leave the party because they believed that the party wouldn't want them around anymore. "We're monsters, aren't we?" they said, and Ront would have absolutely said yes if the barbarian hadn't eaten him the day before.
anyways, thankfully, the party was able to convince the twins that yes, they still wanted them around, and they really wished that they would've said something sooner so that they could've helped them sooner and maybe avoided all of this. I've got it tentatively in brain that the twins have some sort of Emotional Issues relating to parents (perhaps they lost their father at a very young age, and perhaps they originally fled home after being bitten so that they wouldn't hurt their mother), so all this genuine (or, well, seemingly genuine in the case of the bard, that stinky stinky bastard man) kindness had them even more in tears than they already were. the session ended with a group hug, and the next few days of out-of-session RP largely followed the ranger very consciously taking the twins under his wing and swearing to find them a cure for their curse, even before finding a cure for himself. Topsy has already sarcastically called him "dad" when he expressed a desire to protect them from whatever the fuck is going on with Buppido, but trust me, it'll be genuine soon enough.
I loooove language itself as a mode of storytelling, so I set up this Thing where svirfneblin generally don't teach their mother tongue to outsiders, something which Topsy and Turvy explained after the bard asked if there were any lullabies they found soothing that he could use to try and soothe the rats within and they sang one in Gnomish--or the namneblin, as I've termed it from cobbling together D&D Gnomish with Tolkien Gnomish to get what I want. at some point, the twins are going to start teaching the party the namneblin, which is their way of emotionally claiming the party as family. (this is gonna make it ALL THE MORE tasty and devastating when the Cool Uncle bard reveals that he's actually a murderous little meow meow who's been manipulating mansplaining manslaughtering this entire time, and I CANNOT WAIT.) they may even start calling the ranger a term which they refuse to translate, but which Jimjar will--a term that translates to "father." I fucking love found family. I am having a blast.
unfortunately, now we're way beyond the characterization given in the module. they don't really have any personality beyond "secretly wererats," so I'm still working on who they are now that that furry little secret is off their chests. they're both pretty curious, but thus far, I think Turvy is actually the more adventurous one of the two. he's expressed an interest in flying, something which Topsy finds absolutely terrifying, and he's also a bit less mature than his sister. (he laughed when the rogue made a "these nuts" joke during one of the bard's stories, and laughed even harder when Stool was like "I don't understand. What's a 'these nuts'?", while Topsy smacked him.) I'm thinking Topsy is just a few minutes older, and as such, she has that Older Sibling Protective Instinct in her. Topsy and Turvy are almost identical on a mechanical level, but now that the party has leveled up again, I've chosen to give them different survivor talents (see Van Richten's Guide to Ravenloft for reference; I'm kinda just making things up as I go along) to showcase their different personalities. Topsy has the Desperate Scream talent, while Turvy has Adrenaline Surge, hinting that she's more of a fighter while he prefers to stay out of the fray. (they both each have a dagger and a sling, but I think I might let the player controlling them in combat know that Topsy prefers the dagger while Turvy prefers the sling.) I'm also tossing around in my brain different interests each of them could have, just to differentiate them further. I'm thinking Topsy could really like shiny things and collecting rocks and fun facts about rocks, while perhaps Turvy really wants to feel what it's like to soar through open air. or maybe he really likes plants!! who knows. I am definitely open to suggestions for hyperfixations to give each of them :]
so yeah, the Tinsplitter twins!! resident party children (alongside Stool) and catalysts of a found family dynamic that brings so very much joy into my heart and that the bard and I are going to heartbreakingly destroy at some point in the future of this campaign <3
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Hello! My name is Sapph! Welcome to my RP blog!
This blog is for a few (secondary) indie OCs for the band Phantom Overdose. This blog will be very low activity, it's mostly just a sideblog to go with Cassia's blog so that if anyone wants to write with any of the boys in her band, they can!
I'm currently working on putting a page together for them that will give slightly more in depth information about them!
(Last Update: 1/25/2024)
Here are a few things to know (Feel free to read just the bolded stuff if you’re in a hurry, the unbolded just elaborates):
Mun is 25+ and will only rp with those who are 18+! If you aren’t 18+ please don’t interact. I’m just not comfortable with it.
I don’t write much smut, so I apologize if things head that way and I end up dropping the thread without warning (I don’t usually drop threads intentionally, it’s probably just stuck in my drafts until I’m in the headspace to write it, but that day might never come, so I apologize).
I have a separate side blog for nsfw content! I'll reblog some smutty stuff over there, though in general I prefer to write it on discord. It's not a smut shaming thing and I'll never judge anyone for writing it on their main blog! I just don't feel confident in my smut writing abilities so I like to keep it a bit separate sometimes. I will also never shame you for kinks or anything! To each their own <3
I’m super slow with replies most of the time. Totally feel free to give me a nudge if it’s been a while since I’ve replied. I lose track of stuff so easily and then feel like I’m not allowed to reply to it when I remember it because it’s been a while ^^;
This blog is going to be highly selective and very low activity. It's really just meant to be more of an extension of Cass's universe than something fully stand alone.
I won't be doing a lot of shippy stuff on this blog. That doesn't mean I won't do it at all, but I'll be highly selective about shipping, too. I want to focus more on the characters as themselves than as parts of ships. That's not to say I won't ship them from time to time, it's just not a priority for this blog. I just don't want anyone coming over here with the intention of shipping with one of the boys because they like the fc and then it not happening and them getting disappointed. So please come into this with the thought of befriending the boys and such, not so much with shipping in mind.
REBLOG KARMA: I try to be respectful and reblog things from the source or from a meme blog or whatever because I understand why people don’t want to be feel like they’re being used as a meme source. If I ever reblog something from you that isn’t a reply, I’m sorry. I try not to let it happen, but sometimes it does.
That said: REBLOG WHATEVER YOU WANT FROM ME. Seriously, it doesn’t bother me at all. You don’t even have to send me a meme to reblog it. Just... go ahead. Reblog it. It’s totally fine by me <3 (Though I would definitely prefer if you sent me a meme when you reblog.)
OOC conversation can be really hard for me. I try and usually I’m fine when it comes to plotting, but I drop the ball a lot or come off as cold a lot because I just don’t have the energy to talk ooc a lot of the time. Please don’t take it personally, it’s just that my social battery is usually at 40% or less in general oTL
I may add more rules at a later point, but I think these are the most important ones <3
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Multimuse (main)
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That Time Tim Totally Terminated Ra's Al Ghuls Entire Empire Part 1
So. I wrote something very silly. The title says it all, except it doesn't because this bad boy spiraled out to being over 10k and deserving of 2 chapters. Anyway, here is the first chapter featuring all the times Ra's kidnapped Tim because he wanted to recruit him.
Summary:
"Let us not beat around the bush,” Ra’s started, after taking a sip from his tea, “I have brought you here to make you an offer.”
Tim nodded, that was obvious enough. Ra's had no reason to kidnap him this time beyond something like this.
“As you know, I’m always on the lookout for enterprising young individuals with both leadership and fighting experience to join the League of Assassins. Right now I’ve been on the hunt for the perfect person to fill a brand new executive role in a new chapter of my organization.”
AO3 Link
~
Tim wasn’t entirely sure how he’d ended up in this situation. No really. One moment he’d been in Gotham, crouched behind an old BMW that had been in the same spot for a month, waiting on Batman’s signal, the next he’d woken up in some lavishly decorated room. Was that silk? Or maybe velvet? He had no idea what was hanging around the bed he was laying in, but Tim really didn’t care.
What he was concerned about was his own personal state. He raised his arms --that alone was a good sign-- and confirmed that his mask was in place. He pushed himself up on the ridiculously plush bed, -which was unreasonably plush by the standards of a kid who'd grown up rich, and then gone to live with a guy who had both more money and even better beds.
The point was, the bed was so soft Tim actually had a bit of trouble sitting up.
When he did manage to right himself, he finished taking stock of his own situation and his surroundings. His Robin uniform was intact aside from his belt, but he saw that set on a trunk that looked at least as old as Bruce, a few feet away. The room was, as he already determined, lavishly decorated.
Tim pushed himself out of the bed and onto a carpet so thick he kind of wanted to pull off his shoes and curl his toes in it, but seeing as he still had no idea where he was, who took him, or why, he figured that was probably out of the question. He did make a mental note to ask Bruce for some better carpet when he got home. As a kind of gift for surviving a very weird kidnapping.
Instead, he moved to walk carefully around the room. He found no obvious traps, no cameras or speakers or microphones that were either hidden or out in the open, and both doors were unlocked.
The first he opened revealed a bathroom. The second he cracked open to peer out of. His eyes locked on that of an honest to goodness ninja standing guard outside the door. The man locked eyes with him and Tim snapped the door shut with a click.
Welp, that answered the who and maybe even the where of Tim’s abduction. Ra’s Al Ghul. He was pretty sure if he gave the ninja ten minutes to go find Mr. al Ghul himself, he’d have the why too.
While he waited, Tim snapped his belt back around his waist, comfortable to have its weight back, even if being in a League stronghold meant all the tricks in his pockets were basically useless on his own. Still, it was nice to feel fully like Robin again.
After that it was a matter of waiting.
Tim paced an actual trench into the thick carpet as he waited. Batman was of course looking for him. That was a given, he just had to wait for the man to find him. Or for Ra’s to send him home? He really wasn’t sure why the Eco-terrorist would have taken him in the first place beyond a really weird obsession with Batman's various sidekicks.
How come all of Bruce’s baddies seemed to have a strange fixation on Robins? It was weird how many went out of their way to kidnap and attempt to recruit him, Dick, and if the stories were to be believed, Jason too.
Just as Tim was starting to turn that particular thought over in his head, the door to his room opened and Ra’s himself strolled in.
“Timothy.” the man drawled.
“Ra’s.” Tim replied, suddenly totally and completely unsure what to do with his hands, voice, feet, and general self. This wasn’t a fight after all.
He settled for crossing his arms and being terribly glad his domino hid his eyes.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I brought you here.” Ra’s said.
Tim shrugged, “It doesn’t take the world’s greatest detective to guess that.”
The man frowned at him, and Tim started to wonder if maybe he should be watching his words a bit. He wasn’t in Gotham with Batman at his back after all. But then again, Ra’s must need something from him right? So a little sass was okay, what was Robin without a smart mouth after all?
“I mean--” Tim started, unable to stop himself now that he was thinking about it, “I can probably start to guess. You didn’t kill me and I’m not in a dungeon so you’ve got to want something from me right? I bet this is some blend of trying to win me over and also hold me above Batman because you--” he paused for a moment trying to remember if Bruce had been on Ra’s’ trail at all lately.
He dropped his arms and clapped, remembering, “You’ve been trying to break into energy and you want Wayne Enterprise to back you and legitimize your business. So you’re holding Tim over Bruce, but you probably want Robin because you and like half of Batman’s rogues have this weird obsession with teen heroes for some reason."
At some point he’d stopped looking at Ra’s and actually started pacing again. When he stopped talking his feet stilled and he looked back up at Ra's and grinned, ""So, am I hot or freezing cold?”
He expected Ra's to looked angry or irritated, instead he looked amused.
“You are quite warm. Though I would contend the assertion that I have a weird obsession with teen heroes. I am only interested in the exceptional, and you Timothy, are exceptional indeed.”
Tim gulped, “I mean--not really? But thanks.”
Ra’s waved him off, “We will speak more later. You are correct, I do intend to use you as a bargaining chip against your guardian--”
“Dad.” Tim interjected.
The man raised an eyebrow but continued, “However you are not a prisoner in the traditional sense. You may wander the compound with one of my men by your side to ensure you do not get into trouble. If all goes well you will be returned to Batman within a reasonable amount of time. Unless, of course, you do decide you would like to stay and learn from me.”
“I don’t really see that happening.” Tim said, “But I'll be sure and let you know if I make a sudden turn towards world domination.”
Again, Tim expected some kind of retaliation, but he was thankfully ignored. Ra’s left him with a warning not to cause undue trouble and soon Tim was alone in the room again.
He spent the next couple days wandering the compound somewhat aimlessly. He had a phone call with Bruce where he promised his dad that he was totally fine if a little bored, and spent the rest of his time trying to avoid Ra’s. The man was kind of relentless in his attempts at winning Tim over to his side and sought him out at meals, when Tim was trying to train a bit at one of the many gyms, and even once while Tim was wandering a rather fantastic garden. Each time, Tim did his best to wiggle out of the man's suggestions and just get back to wiling away the time between then and getting home.
Thankfully, it was all over in four days when Batman came crashing in with Nightwing and Batwoman to rescue him, and soon Tim was home and settling back into normal life.
He’d actually almost forgotten about the whole Ra’s kidnapping him until it happened again. Once had been a surprise, two times was starting to look deliberate.
This one lasted a week with Ra’s claiming it was because he still really wanted that energy deal and he just couldn’t understand why Bruce wasn’t willing to trade that for his ward (son Tim had ground out in irritation).
Tim almost believed him, until he woke one morning to find a pamphlet had been slipped under his door, it was literally a flyer promoting hiring in the League. Tim looked over it and had to laugh out loud. The text was done in a mix of papyrus and other fonts and whoever made it had used clip art. It looked like someone had typed it up in Microsoft word in like half an hour.
He spent the rest of his time there re-designing the flyer, with a ninja hanging over his shoulder as he used one of the League computers. The new one wasn’t the best flyer in the world, but Tim was pretty proud of it, and it was much better than the first draft.
When he was done, he pocketed the original, then pinned a note to the new one that said: Ha! Not until you get better designers.
Batman rescued him again, and Tim pushed the double kidnapping and Ra’s’ weird obsession to the back of his mind until the next time he was with Steph.
They were in the manor watching a Chopped marathon and Tim was telling her about both kidnappings.
“So he’s super into energy? How come he didn’t nab Dick? We all know he’s Bruce’s favorite.” Steph teased, popping a chip into her mouth.
“Setting aside that obvious lie, that’s the thing,” Tim continued, digging out the flyer he’d kept, “It has nothing to do with energy or Dick. I’m pretty sure Ra’s is trying to recruit me.”
He showed her the paper and Steph snorted, spraying chips out as she laughed, “No. Freaking. Way. I have to tell Cass. Let me show her this, please I’m begging you.”
Tim groaned, “Yeah, sure, but don’t you think it’s weird?”
She shrugged, taking the flyer to look it over, “Of course, but the B-man attracts weird like ice cream dropped on the ground attracts ants. Give him six months, and Ra’s will move onto a different way of trying to piss off Batman.”
“I hope so.” Tim said.
The third time Tim woke up in the elaborate room he was getting really sick of the decor and the headache that came with being knocked out and dragged halfway across the world.
“You know.” Tim started, the moment Ra's walked into his room (and it was actually Tim’s room he’d learned from one of the ninja guards), “You could have waited a month this time, to at least pretend this wasn’t all about your super weird plan to try and convince me into letting you adopt me.”
Ra’s opened his mouth to respond, but Tim wasn’t done.
“Which, by the way, I’m taken already. B did the whole adopting thing, so you missed that window. Though, I guess that probably doesn't really matter to you in the grand scheme of things since you keep kidnapping me. You are aware that kidnapping isn’t the best way to convince someone that your way is the right one, right?”
“Also, would it kill you to pick up some --I don’t know-- books on recruitment or something? I don’t understand how you’ve managed to get so many guys on your side it’s--” Tim started, but Ra’s had caught on to Tim’s mood at this point, conceded temporary defeat, and made a hasty retreat.
Tim didn't see him the whole rest of the day, and by the next morning Batman showed up, swinging in for another rescue and all was fine and good and normal for a while.
Until, of course, it wasn’t.
It was the fourth kidnapping that really set Tim off.
He woke up back in that stupid room with it’s stupid decor and those stupid posters ready to burn the place to the ground. But something stopped him, a premonition. Like if he was patient for just a little longer he’d find a good and proper form of revenge to take on Ra’s for his total inability to take a hint.
At some point two ninja came by to take Tim to meet with Ra’s. As they walked Tim couldn’t help but notice the posters literally lining the hallways they walked through.
They were of two wildly different styles, but both struck a thought of familiarity in his mind. One was obviously a play on the classic “I want you in the army” poster. The other ripped off old “pin up” recruitment posters. Both made him laugh, and Tim pulled a couple of each down to save to show the Titans. He had a feeling Bart and Kon would lose their minds over these.
He had just folded them up and shoved them in his back pocket when they reached an office. Inside, Ra’s sat in a chair and motioned Tim to sit in one across from him.
“Thank you for joining me, Timothy.”
Tim sat and shrugged, “Not like I had much of a choice.”
Ra’s waved him off. As he did, a different ninja from either of the ones who’d escorted Tim to the office came in with a tray of tea. He handed Ra’s a cup, then gave one to Tim, and left the set on a table between them.
The whole vibe was kind of awkward and strange. Tim felt very much like he had one time a year ago when he’d realized halfway through a date that things were not going to work out. He hadn’t been able to end the date then and there, and had spent another two hours awkwardly making small talk and trying to avoid promising a second date.
“Let us not beat around the bush,” Ra’s started, after taking a sip from his tea, “I have brought you here to make you an offer.”
Tim nodded, that was obvious enough. Ra's had no reason to kidnap him this time beyond something like this.
“As you know, I’m always on the lookout for enterprising young individuals with both leadership and fighting experience to join the League of Assassins. Right now I’ve been on the hunt for the perfect person to fill a brand new executive role in a new chapter of my organization.”
Tim took a sip of his tea in an attempt at avoiding having his mouth drop open in shock. Ra’s sounded like something out of a “Executive success seminar” that was just a veiled multilevel marketing scheme.
“To put it plainly, Timothy, I want you to become my apprentice. I know you and assume you might be hesitant to accept this lifestyle so I’ve prepared for you something of a presentation on what that might entail.”
Tim couldn’t stop a laugh from bursting out of him, but he did manage to turn it into a kind of cough.
“Wait--wait.” he said, almost choking on his tea, “Are you about to show me a powerpoint?”
Ra’s looked a bit put out at that suggestion, almost like he wanted to sigh, “Of course not, it’s more interactive than that.”
Tim held up his free hand, incredulous, “Is this--a job interview Ra’s? I thought you were pitching this to me.”
“No, no. It’s an interactive presentation designed to show you just what you have to gain from joining me.” Ra’s explained, as he did so Tim took another sip of his tea.
He lifted his cup and waved it lightly, “Oh yeah, so I’m just in one of those fairy tales then where you make me do three impossible tasks and at the end I get the happily ever after dip in the lazarus pit?”
“It’s only one trial--”
“So it is a task!” Tim declared, almost standing.
“Timothy.” Ra’s snapped, sounding a bit like Bruce whenever Tim and Steph’s antics pushed him a bit too far.
Tim crossed his legs and leaned back into the chair, “Tell me I’m wrong.”
Irritating the man was a bad idea, Tim knew that, but this was just ridiculous. He wasn’t going to be sent on a wild quest that might end up with him dunked in a Lazarus Pit or whatever else Ra’s had in mind that would supposedly prove how great it would be to work for him.
“If you are not going to take this seriously, then there are other ways of showing you why joining me is a good idea that are not nearly as pleasant.” Ra’s growled.
Tim held up his free hand, “I’d rather not find out, give me your pitch or send me off with your best ninja or whatever you were planning.”
He figured playing along would work for now. He could put off giving Ra’s an answer until Bruce came in for a third rescue. When he was home, they were going to have a serious conversation about ninja proofing the manor. Ra’s could not keep kidnapping him like this, they had to have some kind of security measures in place.
“Wonderful. I’m sure after your tour you’ll have a better understanding of what I have to offer you.”
Tim ended up following someone Ra’s called his “best general” around the compound for an hour. The guy showed Tim the training rooms, the medical suite, sparring rings, a variety of ninja’s actually practicing, and at one point they even ended up in the library. The general had been given instructions to pause anywhere Tim wanted him to, and so they lingered in the library for a bit.
He had to admit, Ra’s had a fantastic library.
The general didn’t seem worried about Tim getting lost, or escaping, and waited by the door while he wandered the massive room.
And boy was it huge. It was bigger than the main floor of the cave, with stacks and stacks of books on two floors. Some of the volumes looked ancient, and there were even scrolls shelved on the second floor.
He gingerly pulled one out to examine.
“That is worth more than you could ever imagine.” a sharp, young voice, declared, behind him.
Startled, Tim dropped it back onto the shelf and spun. Before him stood a kid, probably 8 years old, with tousled dark hair, dark skin, and a face that almost echoed some of Bruce’s school photos. It was startling.
“Hi.” Tim said, dumbly, “I know, it’s Ancient Sumarian right?”
“Tt.” the boy crossed his arms, “You are not an idiot then.”
Tim shook his head, “Nah, apparently I’m smart enough to be selected for recruitment.”
The kid nodded, “So you are Grandfather’s young detective. He speaks highly of you.”
Grandfather? Tim’s brain spun. This kid was Ra’s al Ghul’s grandkid? He ran the numbers, the kid’s mom was either Talia or Nyssa. If he had to put money on it, Tim figured the boy before him looked more like Talia than her sister. And his other features--like Bruce’s?
No.
No.
No. Freaking. Way.
“That is hardly language to use here.” The boy said, arching an eyebrow at him.
Tim hadn’t realized he’d spoken aloud, but apparently his surprise had been so great he had. He cleared his throat, “Sorry, I just never expected Ra’s to have a grandkid.”
“It is not surprising to me, I am his heir. Born to inherit the League and rule the world one day.”
Okay, that was a lot to unpack. Just a totally wild amount, but Tim wasn’t super focused on the world domination thing just yet (maybe later when he had a chance to process all of--well, all of it), “Sorry to keep pressing but, doesn’t having an heir kind of--I don’t know, put his whole Eternal Ruler of the League thing in jeopardy?”
“Tt. It is not my place to question my Grandfather’s plans. I simply know what I have been told, that I will inherit the League one day in his stead.”
“Well,” Tim rocked back on his heels casually and grinned, “That might be a long loooong time.”
The kid’s brows furrowed as if he had not really considered that idea before. He opened his mouth to say something else, but seemed to decide against it, dropping his arms to his sides to shrug, “If that is his wish then so be it.”
“True.” Tim said, not really knowing what to say. Instead he settled on changing the subject, “You know, if your grandfather gets his way I’ll be spending more time here, so I guess introductions are in order. I’m Timothy Drake-Wayne, but most people just call me Tim.”
He held his hand out to the kid, smiling at him. If he really was Bruce’s then they’d be getting to know each other for sure. Just not here. Tim had zero intentions on letting Bruce’s child stay with the League. Did B he even know he had a kid? Tim thought he’d better figure that out first before kidnapping his little brother.
Little brother. Just that idea made something flutter in Tim’s chest. He’d always wanted a little brother.
The boy scowled at his hand, and did not take it, “You may be correct, even if I do not see what Grandfather seems to. I am Damian al Ghul, heir to the Demon’s Head.”
Tim bit back a grin at just how serious this kid was. He sounded like a little prince, all imperious and haughty. Damian, even his name fit him. He wondered how Damian would do around Dick? Or Stephanie. They’d figure out how to bring a smile out of him.
“It is a pleasure to meet you, Damian.” Tim said, “I know we’ve really only just met, but I’m sure you’ll see what Ra’s does in time.”
Damian looked him over again, then gave a sharp nod, “I am interested in seeing what you have to offer.”
“Damian, I found it, where’d you go?” A voice sounded from deeper within the stacks.
Tim started at the sound of the voice. He knew it. Knew it from nights spent chasing shadows, from recording’s Bruce had watched a hundred times when he didn’t think Tim was watching. From Tim’s own desire to know and learn more about his predecessor. It was Jason Todd’s voice.
But that couldn’t be. Jason was dead.
“I am coming.” Damian returned, his tone more childlike than Tim had heard in their whole conversation. He turned back to Tim, “Do not ruin that scroll, I will see you later.”
Then he spun on his heel and walked away.
Tim stepped forward, reaching out for the kid, “Wai--”
“Master Tim, we really must be going.” Tim’s guide was back, stepping into his view as if from nowhere, and stopping Tim’s chase as short as it had been.
“Can we wait just one more second?” he asked, “I wanted to ask Damian something else.”
The man’s mouth turned down in a frown, “I do not have clearance to let you speak with Master Damian. Come, we have more to see.”
Frustration bubbled up in Tim, but unless he wanted to start a fight he wasn’t going to get a chance to talk to Damian right then. The kid had promised to see him later, so maybe he’d seek Tim out. If not, Tim would find a way.
As he followed the man out of the library, he kept searching the stacks of books for a sign of the others. It wasn’t until they’d left the room that Tim caught sight of Damian again, his small form waving animated at a taller, broader one. One that, while older, was unmistakably Jason.
Before Tim could say screw everything, the two turned around a corner, and someone else was clearing their throat. His guide seemed eager to move on, and so they did.
Tim tuned out most of the rest of the tour, and eventually found himself back in the office from before, once again seated across from Ra’s.
“Timothy, I hear you have met my grandson on your tour.” Ra’s started.
“I did.” Tim said, a bit hesitant to go into detail, his guide had seemed like talking to Damian was a pretty serious thing, and suddenly Tim was afraid he’d gotten the kid in trouble.
Ra’s smiled, “He is magnificent is he not? Already he is a skilled warrior, and well trained in his studies.”
“He said he was your heir?” Tim ventured.
The man waved a hand dismissively, “Of course he is, he is my grandson, but that does not mean he will inherit. The boy is valuable to me, for many reasons. He is an excellent tool to wield against my enemies already, and will only become more so as he grows.”
Anger bubbled up in Tim. There was something in Ra’s’ tone that made Tim sick, to call a kid a tool. To plan to just use him his whole life?
“And what, do you want to do that with me too? You said you wanted me to be your apprentice, but if your Heir is just a tool then--”
“No, as I said I want you to take over a branch of the League. You have talents and skills Damian will not. The boy is--” Ra’s shrugged, “Let us call him a vessel. A shell for me to wield in one way or another.”
Well, that just made Tim even more angry. Damian was his grandkid. What Tim wouldn't have given to still have his grandparents, and for Ra’s to just--If Tim wasn’t already dead set on getting Damian home, he would be after this conversation.
“You know what, Ra’s. Let me think on it a while. I’ll get back to you on my answer. I kind of want to see Damian in action a bit, learn what this training looks like in someone closer to my age.”
The man considered this for a moment before nodding, “I will let you watch his sparring session tomorrow. For now, I think we’re done. Have a good evening, Timothy.”
Tim nodded, and left. His mind was racing, he wanted another look at Jason. Wanted to tell Damian about his dad. Wanted to make sure both his brothers were okay.
He was so wrapped up in his thoughts, he missed the black and blue clad arm that reached out from behind a curtain and yanked him back. Nightwing put a hand over Tim’s mouth to quiet him, and then pulled him out the window the curtain had been hiding. They dropped, into nothing--except it was solid?
Tim found himself inside the invisible jet. Inside, and flying away from his newly discovered siblings before he could even argue they needed to be rescued too.
One flight with Wonder Woman and Nightwing later, and Tim was home again, being told in stern tones by both Batman and Nightwing that he really needed to stop allowing himself to be kidnapped by ninjas (like he didn’t know that).
Then he was in his room, in bed, staring up at the ceiling, his mind whirring. He had learned two things on this trip. Two impossible things. Two things he was going to leverage as soon as he could.
It was late, and he should be sleeping, but instead he texted Steph and Cass in their little group chat.
Tim: Want to cause some chaos?
Immediately he received a response:
Steph: Always
Cass: Who are we going after?
Tim smiled, his fingers dancing over his phone:
Tim: Ra’s.
Cass: Time to teach him a lesson?
Steph: I've been waiting for this, I’ll get the kerosene
Tim: There’s more.
Cass: Tell.
The light flashed on out in the hallway, Tim could see it flicker to life under his door.
Tim: Tomorrow, lunch at that place with the sweet potato fries. Come ready to plan a kidnapping or two.
The next day Tim found both Steph and Cass waiting eagerly for him at the restaurant, a heaping plate of sweet potato fries between them.
“Spill, Bird Brain.” Stephanie said, as he sat down, pushing some fries towards him, “I want to hear everything about this crusade against Ra’s.”
Tim rolled his eyes, and snagged a fry, dipping it in one of the sauces they’d gotten to accompany it.
“As you’ve probably already guessed, I had another visit to the League compound yesterday.” Tim started, “It was more of a day trip this time, but Ra’s did his very best to sell me on signing up.”
“More posters?” Cass guessed, then shook her head seeing Tim’s expression, “What did he do?”
Tim snagged another fry, “Yes more posters, but more than that he gave me a speech right out of a How to Recruit for Dummies book, then sent me on a tour of the building.”
Steph snorted, “Please tell me you recorded it.”
“I did not, but you will never believe what I found on my tour, or to be precise who.”
Both girls paused their snacking, waiting on him to continue.
Tim dropped the first bomb, “Jason Todd, alive and breathing.”
“What, no way.” Steph said, “How’d he even get there? I thought He was buried here?”
He shrugged, “I don’t have any of the details, but they’ve got a Lazarus pit, and Ra’s is weirdly obsessed with recruiting Robin’s, so I’d say his resurrection tracks.”
“Who else was there?” Cass asked, brow furrowed.
Now this he knew neither of them would be expecting. Tim hadn’t expected it. He still couldn’t believe it.
“Ra’s al Ghul’s grandson, Damian.” Tim said, watched both girls look even more confused, then added, “The son of Bruce and Talia. At least, I’m pretty sure he’s their kid.”
The fry Stephanie was holding dropped out of her hand.
Tim watched Cass processing the information, saw her realization that there was another child being raised in the League, then saw the determination cross her face at her own personal decision.
“We are taking them both, correct?” Cass asked.
“We’re taking them both, and burning the place down.” Tim confirmed, “That should properly pay him back for all the time’s he’s kidnapped me this year.”
Steph’s lips turned up into a sharp grin, “The law of equivalent exchange.”
Tim laughed, “You’ve been watching too much tv.”
“It’s prepped me for this very moment.” she shot back, voice falsely grave.
“Batman prepared you for this very moment.” Cass elbowed her.
“No.” Tim said, “I’m going to prep you. And then we’re going to put everything in action.”
They talked, and planned, and debated the pros and cons of letting Tim get nabbed again over just going himself, and eventually after many many sweet potato fries and sodas they were ready.
It was to be infiltration first, fire and kerosene second. Obviously the place was going to go up, but only after they set the stage for rebellion and convinced Damian and Jason to go home with them. Tim didn’t think it’d be a hard sell for Jason, but the kid was another matter altogether. If Tim couldn’t convince him to come along, they may actually end up having to kidnap Damian.
A key to the plan was that only Tim, Steph, and Cass were in on it. There was no way Bruce was giving the green light for such a thing. Besides, Tim wanted to see his face when they presented him with not one, but two, rescued sons from the League.
Over the next week Tim made himself the most kidnappable he’d ever been. He wandered outside, kept to himself, and tried to look as wide eyed as possible. He lingered in parking lots, and took shortcuts down empty alleyways. Basically, he did everything he could to signal he was alone and vulnerable besides hanging a sign around his neck that said “Take me to your (ninja) leader”.
At one point he even stopped, dead center in the middle of an alley and declared, “Wow this sure is a dangerous place to be! I hope I don’t get attacked and kidnapped by ninjas!”
The only response he got that time was from an older woman who stopped at the edge of the alley and very seriously called out, “Careful, young man. Don’t you know there are killer clowns out? You best be on your way before you get hurt.”
Then, at long last, Tim caught sight of one of the League members ducking behind a shadow. He paused his walk, and leaned over as if fascinated by something on the sidewalk in front of him. By the time he’d stood, the ninja was in front of him.
Tim held up his hands in surrender, doing his best not to actually look excited. Then, he was successfully kidnapped for the fifth --and if Tim’s plan worked successfully-- final time.
#Tim Drake#Damian Wayne#Stephanie Brown#Cassandra Cain#Batfamily#fanfiction#crack#crack treated seriously#multimedia fic#humor#kidnapping attempts#revenge plots#Ra's tries to recruit tim#Spoilers it backfires#what is canon#precious posts#long post#chapter 1
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Long Nights - playlist
You can find it on Spotify here.
Eddie Vedder - Long nights
I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--
For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)
I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.
So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.
And I found it.
The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.
//Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before//
That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.
//Long nights allow me to feel...
I'm falling...I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground//
Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?
Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe
I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).
I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.
//You shut me down, you like the control
You speak to me like I'm a child
Try to hold it down, I know the answer
I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me
I tried to play it nice but
Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh
Don't kill my vibe
Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh
Don't break my stride//
To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.
//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//
That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.
Tom Grennan - I might
To me, it’s another character introduction song.
//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//
....you already know what I’m getting at, right?
//Don't want no one taking up my time
Staying on my mind, changing up my life
Don't want no one messing up my bed
Fucking with my head, it's no lie//
That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.
There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)
//But when you look at me like that
I might//
See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.
Kings of Leon - Find me
That’s more chapter-specific.
//I really wanna know your name
See your face, know who you are, who you are
How did ya find me, how did ya find me?
What are you looking for, are you looking for
How did ya find me how did ya find me
Up in the shadow, picking up my load//
I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.
American Authors - I’m born to run
Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.
//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young
Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run
I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come
Do whatever I want like I'm born to run
I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo
I wanna be careless even if I break my bones
I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young
Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run
All these things I've seen and done
I live my life like I'm born to run//
The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner
Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.
//You could have my body
But you can't have me
I know I'm a criminal
Don't you tell on me//
That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!
Missy Elliot - Work it
(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)
Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.
//Come on
Is it worth it? Let me work it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it
Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//
...you see what I mean?
Chapter 2: Praise you
God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.
//We've come a long long way together
Through the hard times and the good
I have to celebrate you baby
I have to praise you like I should//
Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?
It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?
...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.
Sam Fender - Start again
This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:
//Let's start again
Let's learn to talk
Without the fear of being heard
'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody
Let's pull the cord
Move below
Let's start again//
Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult
Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.
//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me
You never can get enough of whatever you think you need
No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush
Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//
This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.
//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets
You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//
That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.
//And now I'm standing in the rain
And your hair, it's falling in your face
And I know we're doing the right thing//
Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.
//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//
Ouch.
//On and off, difficult
Too in love to let it go
Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//
The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.
That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.
//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//
I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.
Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you
There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.
//Skin on skin
We didn't finish what we started
Heart to heart
I'm missing your love//
Keir - Probably
The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.
//Colliding were the walls
And I forget where I began
I wish I could remember love//
Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.
//Probably underneath
There's a remedy
Possibly in the air
In the oxygen I breathe
Probably//
And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.
Dermot Kennedy - Glory
This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.
//A set of eyes had pinned him
Became his version of a kingdom
She's everything the devil can't be
When she's singing to me "Glory"//
Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.
Rhys Lewis - Living in The City
If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:
//I've been living in the city too long
I've been given everything that I've got
Been a sinner and a saint
Crazy, and sane
I've been living in the city too long//
We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?
//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go
Wants to just run away
But the rest of my soul says I should stay
I should stay//
And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?
Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad
God, do I love this song.
//So this is where we are
It's not where we had wanted to be
If half the world's gone mad
The other half just don't care, you see
You don't want to fuck with us
British to the very last
When it feels like the world's gone mad
And there's nothing you can do about it
No there's nothing you can do about it//
It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.
Who’s Molly - Touch the sky
Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.
//We can never see beyond that horizon.
And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.
But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.
We'll make it through.
If you were here with me.//
That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.
//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.
I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.
And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.
You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.
Never would have thought I could win this battle.
I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.
We're going to set the world alight tonight.
Cause we can touch the sky!//
That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.
//Close your eyes, free your soul.
You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//
Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌
Dermot Kennedy - Young & free
Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.
//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die
Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines
Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind
Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time
We were young
We were free, come on now, let it go//
The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.
James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me
Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.
//I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating//
To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.
Ruelle - Oh my my
Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.
//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones
Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum
Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind
You never see us creeping in, creeping in
Oh my my, oh my my
You never stood a chance
...
Ready or not, here we come//
The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.
Speaking of rain--
Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain
The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.
//But it's alright because
You cause lanterns to light
And force demons disperse
And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears
Then, for evil, you could not be worse
But I see you now, yeah, I see you
And release me now, kinda like dreams do
And I see you now, was hard to see you
Just don't forget to sing
Remember everything//
So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.
I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.
Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?
...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)
//If you think just maybe it's her
Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know
You won't go lonely, yeah
It'll all be better in the morning
'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//
Aquillo - Six feet over ground
Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.
//Today's the day I found myself alright
When I look ahead, pretend it never came.
I found a way to keep my head above
But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'
Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing
I'm still six feet over ground
But you don't need to know now
You don't need to know how I'm doing//
They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.
Aquilo - Silhouette
The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder
Strangers in your head
As if you don't remember
As if you can forget
It's only been a moment
It's only been a lifetime
But tonight you're a stranger
Some silhouette //
When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.
//Just hold me//
Nathan Ball - Drifting
//I can see in your eyes
When you lie awake at night
You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright
To keep on drifting
With the drugs keeping you high
They catch you falling from the sky
I keep asking myself why
You stand by
And keep on drifting
…
So tell me what you hold inside
Tell the backstreets of your mind
You're still lonely as a child
Teary eyed
Kept on drifting//
Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.
Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--
//So take my hand and hold on
Take my hand don't let go//
That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.
I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.
Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic
//Cold light wakes me in the morning,
Your side is empty I was calling out to you,
I was calling out to you.//
That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.
//But I don't need your love,
I just need your
Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up
Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,
When I'm hungover too.
Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,
You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,
When I'm lonely for you.
All that I need is a sweet escape,
And all that I need is a sweet escape.
...
Cause I don't need your love
But I just need you now
And I don't need your love
I just need you now//
This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.
RHODES - Breathe
The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.
//Mind break in two,
There's a light in the sky, there's a light
And it's all for you
Dawn colors all
Tell me how do you feel?
Tell me how do you need to heal?//
Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.
//Breathe, release it all
Come on now, I'll keep you warm
Come on!
Breathe, release it all
Come on now, I need your love
Come on now!//
To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.
Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic
The one for ✨the moment✨.
//Comfort me, oh comfort me
I'm lighting up
To see the day you run for me
You run for me, my love//
Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.
//But I've been tied up
For days
And I've been thinking of the things that you say
And I've been wound up
Each way
I need to let you know, to let you know today//
Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.
//You call me a liar
You call me so innocent
But you lit the fire
You lit the fire that burns
The fire that burns inside us
I'm not innocent
I lit the fire, the fire, the fire
I lit the fire//
Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.
The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version
//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said
You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head
Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said
You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark
To start again//
You can see it, right?
Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.
//And it feels like falling in, falling in love
Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love
Could save me tonight//
The 1975 - Fallingforyou
//According to your heart
My place is not deliberate
Feeling of your arms
I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck
Don't you see me I
I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you
And don't you need me I
I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you
On this night, and in this light
I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you
And maybe you, change your mind//
They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.
Adam French - Weightless
The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.
That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.
//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders
You see you're gonna make it alright
How you're gonna make it alright
When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright
You say your body will
You say your body will
Hold me in the night
...
Only you can make me weightless
...
Closer is all I ever wanted to be
There for ya so you can be confiding in me
There to break the fall
Here for everybody to see
Weightless after all//
Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect
I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.
And my god, this song.
//You live like you're a secret
One that only I could know
'Cause I said
You know what I want and
I know who you are
I know when I hold you and love you
You'll get up and go before you fall apart//
...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?
//I'll bring you every colour that I find
In your eyes
You wake me up
And it breaks my heart
That you're perfectly imperfect
You're hurting but you're worth it
You don't know why
I would waste my time
But I'm falling and I mean it
I want you like I need it
There's nothing you could try to change my mind
'Cause I'm in love
So call me when you want me and I'll come running
Find me waiting at your door
So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long
'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//
That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.
Bastille - Survivin’
The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.
//And I'm not gonna lie
Say I've been alright
'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down
What can I say? I'm survivin'
Crawling out these sheets to see another day
What can I say? I'm survivin'
And I'm gonna be fine
I'm gonna be fine
I think I'll be fine//
As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.
Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped
Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.
//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//
Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--
//Feels like I know you so well
You could be everything that I've been missing
I'm coming out of my shell
And I never do that
How did you do that?
It's like I've known you my whole life//
That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.
//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses
Maybe you like me the way I am//
That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.
//Baby, I'm in love//
🙃
INXS - Need you tonight
I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)
//So slide over here and give me a moment
Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight
'Cause I'm not sleepin'
There's somethin' about you, girl
That makes me sweat//
That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.
Dermot Kennedy - Days like this
Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.
That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.
//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this
When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch
Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this
When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this
When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this
When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//
They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.
James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic
The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.
//Take your time
I'll be right here
I know no one could ever love me better
Take all night
You're the truth that
Is breaking me and keeping me together
Together
I wanna be in your touch
Sleep is so tough
You're burning up my mind
What would it feel like if you tore me apart?
Come on chew on my heart
...
I'm on fire
I'm a hot mess
I'm thinking things that I might start regretting
So hear me out
I need you now
I'm spiraling
I'm sinking down
Look for me I'm sending up a message
A message//
I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.
Picture This - Unconditional
This one just makes my heart sing.
//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it
Even when we're sleepless and damaged
I don't doubt it
We're holding on//
That’s exactly it.
//Baby I wish we could take this feeling
And put it away somewhere safe
'Til we need it
Unconditional
I'm so afraid of losing your love//
They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.
//Shivers running down my back with your fingers
The smell of your perfume it lingers
And whispers
What I want you to say
Under your skin, underdressed under covers
We bring out the best in each other
Two lovers finding our way//
The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.
BANNERS - Start a riot
But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.
//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm
No surrender, no retreat
I will tear down every wall
Just to keep you warm
Just to bring you home
I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust
I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust
Will you take my hand?
We can make our stand
If your world falls apart
I'd start a riot
If night falls in your heart
I'd light the fire
In the dark, when you sound the alarm
We'll find each other's arms
For your love, all you are
I'd start a riot//
The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.
Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--
Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live
When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.
I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.
//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//
Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.
//No, I don't want to fall in love
With you, with you
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//
And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.
Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.
Lewis Watson - Little light
//And all this shade is, illuminating
And all those love lines, are taking shape
And all my worries, disintegrating
And I've been waiting, I've been waiting
And all my days were young and wasted
When I was waiting, oh for you
And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading
But ever since I found you
A little light is breaking through//
Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.
X Ambassadors - Renegades
Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.
//Long live the pioneers
Rebels and mutineers
Go forth and have no fear
Come close and lend an ear
…
All hail the underdogs
All hail the new kids
All hail the outlaws
Spielbergs and Kubricks
It's our time to make a move
It's our time to make amends
It's our time to break the rules
Let's begin//
I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.
I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)
Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t
Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.
//Under the water
It's cold and it's grey
My torrid autumn
Another season decays
Open up the Hollow
And my walls come down
I tell you it's a problem
Just when no one's around
But then
I know what's wrong
God, you complicated everything
I know you're gone, gone, gone
This is where I will draw my line
I will draw my line//
To me, it���s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.
Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway
I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.
I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.
//It's a long way down
I keep backing away from the edge
And it's a slow burnout
Like the fires that rage in my head
And it's a slow cry out
When you've got so many tears you could die
And it's a long time to wait
When you take all my tears away//
Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.
//My body is colder
Time is frozen
All these feelings have poisoned my soul
And in silence no I can't stand it
Please break these chains and hell I can
Hideaway//
She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.
//You're my one way out
And my tears won't save me now
Save me now
I can't stand it
All this loneliness I feel
I can't do this alone
I need someone to remind my feelings
That I've fallen down by the door
It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now
It's a long way down
I keep backing away from the edge
And it's a slow burnout
Like the fires that rage in my head//
Macy Gray - I try
One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.
//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near//
It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.
Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic
//She told me she was hollow
That's far from what I see//
That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.
//I told her she was special
She almost let me in
But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//
We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.
//Lonely is her favourite
If only I could change it
If I could only save her
But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken
Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open
Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire
Mostly she's everything I desire
Lonely is her favourite place to be//
Galleaux - Tether me
I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.
//In this space, do I belong?
It's dark out here in my own thoughts
Pull me back, out of my body
I'm tied to my limbs
They're spinning me out of control
Tether me//
And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.
Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay
There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.
It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.
//Lover, I know you're weary
Eyes are tired from the night
Lover, come to the kitchen floor
Tiles are cold, so am I//
You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.
//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin
And I don't wanna be alone
If I am tonight, I'll always be//
Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.
//So take from me what you want, what you need
Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need
But lover, please stay with me, oh//
You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨
Foo Fighters - Home
When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.
//Wish I were with you
But I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away
Pray for tomorrow
But for today
All I want is to be home//
About to leave for good.
This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.
BANKS - Someone new
Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -
//I can love you desperately
Though your love ain't guaranteed
Oh, I wish you knew the deal
Gotta learn from far away
And I simply needed space
Space for me to be
And I think you need it too
Though I know you call me selfish for assuming
I did this for you too//
This, this, all of this! You see it, right?
//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you
Don't know what else to do//
Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.
//And please don't fall in love with someone new
I promise one day I'll come back for you//
And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.
//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words
Calling me a fool
Saying that I've fucked up everything
And you'll never forgive me//
See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.
Agnes Obel - Riverside
//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep
And I don't know why I go the way
Down by the riverside//
As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.
Billy Raffoul - Dark four door
There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.
//You got up, you felt you should
I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could
I never thought that you would//
Chris Cornell - Before we disappear
Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.
//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?
How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//
Dermot Kennedy - A closeness
The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--
//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you
Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss
A permanent truth, a means to get through//
Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?
//Deep into the night, eyes closing
Heart swollen with my loving for you
A solid embrace, kind face
And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons
Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night
You've got a heart like the moon
Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it
'Cause she got to go soon//
And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.
Ryan McMullan - Outcry
I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.
//You came a long way to see me
So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine
What's the point that you're making
Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind
If in doubt, don't fake it
I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie
If you're in love don't be ashamed of it
'Cause even angels fall for demons//
God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?
And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.
//I've heard stories, but they're jaded
So give me something more
I only know what I've been told
But I can tell that you're frustrated
And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold
If you tell me you're hurting
I'm hurting too, yeah
Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine
I'll wait for the outcry
Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//
And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.
//If you feel like leaving
Then maybe it's for the best
Or if you feel like you've given in
Oh, give yourself a chance
If you feel like crying
Oh please don't hold it in
If you feel like reaching out oh
Let me in//
His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.
Gavin James - Hard to do
One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.
//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave
This house isn't home to me
I'm tired of losing everyone I see
Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do
Trying to hold on//
Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.
//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run
But two hearts are better than one
You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone
Oh, I'll be gone
It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//
Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.
//Oh, but I need you
Far more than I ever want you
It's such an unnatural thing we do
When falling in love's just so hard to do
Hard to do//
She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.
Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you
I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.
//Wherever you are
You know that I adore you
No matter how far
Well, I can go before you
And if ever you need someone
Well, not that you need helping
But if ever you want someone
Know that I am willing//
He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.
//Oh, and I don't want to change you
I don't want to change you
I don't want to change your mind//
Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.
//I've never been with anyone
In the way I've been with you
But if love is not for fun
Then it's doomed
'Cause water races
Water races down the waterfalls//
Lucy Spraggan - Run
Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?
//I just to run to the end of the world
Just to see if it's possible
I don't care what I've been told
I want to run to the end of the world
I'm going to run,run,run
Bye bye problems
Run 'til the road hits the sea
You better run,run,run
If you want to be free//
Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.
//I wanna feel invincible
One more mile out of principle
I want to see the whole damn world
One cross road can change it all//
Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.
------
Quite a journey that was.
Thank you all for taking it with me.
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Coldsteel: Hot and Cold Part 6
Team Chaotix is in Mobius prison playing dominoes when an explosion triggers through the wall and in the debris and rubble is Rouge the bat.
Vector says "hey, isn't that... Rogue?"
"It's Rouge. You know the ONE TIME someone needs to get that word right..."
"But like you're not red. You are a rogue."
Charmer the bee makes hand gestures at his chest "with big ole ti'ddies!"
Rouge annoyingly glares and walks away. Vector waves to his pals
"Come on guys! Looks like Team Chaotix isn't done yet!"
Back at "the based base" Amy is having to explain the plan to them another time.
Big The Cat is like "why do we need those guys again? Like I could literally just walk up to Eggman's lair and lift the doomsday device with my bare hands..."
"BECAUSE BIG...if we establish an elaborate deus ex machina where Rogue is releasing Team Chaotix from Mobius Prison, they'll think it goes deeper than just us. The distraction is what gives us the chance to steal Eggman's device."
Coldsteel begrudgingly mutters "you know I was the one that had to pay for that jailbreak. That bitch don't work cheap you know..."
"OH CREAM KNOWS HUUR HUUR..." "No you don't..." "PURPLE SONIC RIGHT..." Cream hangs her head in shame.
Amy goes up to Coldsteel acting all flirty.
"And I really appreciate your contribution Coldsteel. You, are my number one guy!"
Coldsteel gets weak in the knees and says "So does this mean..."
"There's no time for that... Big! Clap those fat cheeks of yours to Eggman's lair NOW!!!"
Big does a Roman salute and waddles out the door.
"Well, now that the help is gone me and you can..."
"Not in front of Cream Coldsteel! Besides, I'm swamped with evil paperwork I gotta do. Why don't you go make yourself useful and move over there?"
Coldsteel moves a little to the left. "A little further..." He moves a bit more.
"A LITTLE more..." He moves more where a house plant is in front of him so you don't even see him. "Perfect! In fact you know what? I'll just go over..." Amy runs away.
Coldsteel just waits there behind the house plant. "Well at least I still have you Cream...Cream?"
"CREAM NOT READY FOR COMMITMENT" Cream runs off too. Coldsteel sighs annoyed and smokes behind the house plant.
Sonic and his friends are watching the news about the escape of Team Chaotix. Sonic says to Knuckles "looks like your old ambres are back on the street Knuckles. Guess we oughtta..." Eggman barges in with two robots and a chalk board frantic
"Sonic! You heard the news right?!" "Yeah?" "This thing goes DEEP man!"
"I mean...maybe not that deep..." Eggman slaps Sonic and says to look at the chalkboard.
"Rouge released Team Chaotix, at the scene mint Mobius dollars probably on her person were on the ground, where would she get new Mobius bills? The bank! But how would she collect money from the bank when she doesn't have a job?! Somebody hired her. But who would have brand new Mobius dollars to hire her? Coldsteel! And who is Coldsteel subservient too? AMY!!!"
Sonic rolls his eye "Yeah Eggsperg, we figured that part out on our own..."
Tails actually looking at the chalk board points and says "what's this part about Jews and neutering your pets for anti-aging cream?" Eggman covers that part up with his body.
"You aren't old enough Tails for those red pills. The saddest words of tongue and pen, none are as sad as these.../pol/ was right again."
Sonic walks away "I'm gonna go make a sandwich"
Knuckles upset "How can you eat at a time like this?! Your crush..." "Stalker..."
"Fine, STALKER is out there planning who knows what. And she's using my former gang as a distraction too..."
"Oh please Knuckles, it's AMY...what's the worst she could do?!"
Tails tugs at Eggman's shirt "By the way Eggman, if you're here...whose at your lair to you know...make sure noone is stealing your inventions?" A look of dread overcomes Eggman's face "Oh my ME!!! Robots! We've been compromised! The swamp isn't drained, I repeat. The swamp isn't drained! Get in the hovercraft!"
Big The Cat comes back with the doomsday device and plops it down that shakes their whole base. Amy does an excited girly clap.
"Good, good Big! You're my number one guy!"
Coldsteel's whole body shakes in anger.
"Oh Coldsteel, why don't you be a dear and go make lemonade for everyone?"
"Nothing person-el Amy...but what exactly are we supposed to do with Eggman's doomsday device anyway?"
"Awww" she squeezes his cheek "don't worry your pretty little head with complex villainous details about creating a second cold war and holding the entire world hostage to establish a new totalitarian regime! You just go make that lemonade..."
Eggman blasts right through the door with his hovercraft and Coldsteel mutters "thank God..."
"Amy! Give me back my doomsday device! Do you have any idea what that thing can do?!"
"Reign down a firey hellscape from which there is no escape unless you all do exactly as I tell you?"
"Well...yeah..."
"Put your lives completely at the mercy of mwah whom is a petty and brutal dictator?"
"Yeah that too..."
"Great! So now you all get to live as I do being second fiddle to Sonic and his testosterone rattled band of hoodlums!"
"Is that what this is about?! Some sorta critical gender theory?! Look Amy, we'll paint a unicorn or something on the road and pay lip service to two weeks vacation for expectant mothers...just gimme back my doomsday device!"
"No! The doomsday device is mine, and the fourth reich is here!" Amy waits for a moment and says "Coldsteel honey..." Coldsteel sighs and pulls a flag behind her.
"Wave it a little for God's sake..." He starts waving it mumbling something and she shouts "WHAT WAS THAT?!"
Sonic, Knuckles, and Tails also show up. "Amy! Give the doc back his doomsday device!"
"I don't think you all seem to understand the severity of this situation! With the press of a button, I could end the whole world! Everyone you know and love will be dead or at least some sorta mutated Fallout freak! Now you all are gonna pine over ME, follow ME on adventures! Make crappy, glitched out video games about ME that don't even break even in sales!"
Coldsteel peeks out from behind her "nothing person-el kids!"
Sonic crosses his arms "it sounds pretty personal..."
Knuckles punches the ground shaking up everything.
"Enough of this! Amy...you're not actually going to use the doomsday device as than there wouldn't be anybody left to validate you."
Sonic looks at Eggman "why DID you make a doomsday device?"
"Tis not a matter of why Sonic, but how...a man with a how can endure almost a why."
"You never read Nietzsche did you?"
Coldsteel climbs up on the doomsday device and says "Amy might not be willing to actually activate the doomsday device but I am!"
Amy stomps her foot "Coldsteel! You get down from there this instant!" "Fuck off..."
Eggman chuckles "Oh ho! Two syllables! Ah, I remember my first villain dispute..."
Amy throws her hammer at Eggman's face
"Coldsteel isn't even a villain! He's more like... Chaotic neutral. I want me a REAL bad boy!"
"Oh you want bad?! I'll show ya bad!" "Coldsteeeel!!!"
"And I'll press it while I say the N word!" "Coldsteel, stop being cringe RIGHT NOW"
Coldsteel slaps down on the doomsday device button and says "NI..."'but than Cream holds up her hands and says nigger to roundabout
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7uBqNgxAuBA
Everyone just kinda looks around. Tails mutters "are we dead yet?" Sonic says "I sure hope so..."
Coldsteel presses it again and again and nothing happens and falls off.
"The stupid thing doesn't even work!"
Eggman walks up to him "well of course it doesn't! You didn't actually think I would build a doomsday device did you?! How do you think I maintain my omnipotent control over your little rodent planet?!"
Sonic mutters "you do about as good of a job as Biden..." "I heard that hedgehog!"
Amy confused "so...so it was all a ruse?" Eggman says "yep. You think you're the first person to think of holding the whole world hostage?"
"But I setup this whole thing... I dyed my hair and everything... I worked with these jackoffs!!!" Coldsteel smacks his lips and mutters sarcastically "love you too honey..."
Amy begins to cry and everyone gets super uncomfortable. Eggman scolds "there is to be no crying in here, this is a war room! ...Really? No-one here has seen Dr. Strangelove?"
"CREAM GETS IT"
Coldsteel goes up to Amy and helps her up
"That's the catch22 doll face. What is an antagonist besides being unappreciated for being proactive? Providing a concrete threat to the social dynamic and using your will to power to force some sorta real change? The protagonist isn't so because he is some beacon of moral righteousness, he represents the status quo of our cultural normalcy. Maintaining it's structure so we can go about our daily lives. That's why the villain is always portrayed as some radicalized ideology like fascism or anarchist. Something that seeks to disassemble our sense of complacency. But at best, he just reestablishes the old ways and replacing it with a faux copy. The cycle repeats. God is dead, and we praise the corpse and hold shrines to it praising it's death to bring back conformity."
Sonic points at Coldsteel looking at Eggman "see, HE read Nietzsche..."
Eggman rolls his eyes "oooooh big surprise!"
Amy sniffles and rubs her eye "so none of it really matters... No matter what we call ourselves or what we do, life is a constant agony of going against the tide or subjecting ourselves to the whims of others preconceived notions of morality. We either die a buck, or live long enough to see ourselves breaking..."
"Nothing person-el kid..." He kisses her forehead. Everyone says awww while Cream yells "JUST FUCK ALREADY"
Eggman gets on his hovercraft and says "well this has been fun and all...but now that you dipshits KNOW the doomsday device isn't real, I need to go and invent a REAL ONE. Smell ya later furfags!" He blasts off. Amy still having an existential crisis.
"So what even am I? Like am I just some annoying bitch who follows behind Sonic like a lost puppy? Am I a cut throat bitch trying to rule the world with an iron fist to overcome my own mortality and self detriment?"
Sonic mutters "you could try just...NOT being a bitch..."
Amy spits in Sonic's eye "WHAT IS MY REASON?!"
Coldsteel holds her hand "what is mine?" Amy blushes and Cream yells again "JUST FUCK ALREADY"
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