#KM CRYING ITS FUCKING AMAZING
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*picks you up and dips u in a vat of acid*
#south park#sp#pip pirrup#pip pirrip#damien thorn#dip#sp dip#dip is one of those sjips that i only enjoy if its outside of the canon . show if that makes sense#cuz otherwise like they were only in one episode 2gether and damien like. hated him#but *thinks about them anyways*#i mean as in. i only like it in rlly specific circumstances otheriwse id be indifferent toward it#these all mainly came about cuz im writing a damien and pip friendship fic thing#cuz id like to explore their dynamic actually (and also I WANT PIP TO BE HAPPY)#anyways i rewatched 'Damien' (the episode) so i could characterize him right and like honestly thats gotta be my fav episode in s1#its fuckin hilarious#also DAMIEN MADE A CAMEO IN A LATER EOISODE AS LIKE A LITTLE EASTER EGG. HE WAS ON SUPER NANNY. LIEK THE TV SHOW#KM CRYING ITS FUCKING AMAZING#i love damien like ppl characterize him as being pissed off all the time and while yea technically true#he feels a lot more. immature to me#hes literally like an angsty little kid and the onyl reason he set pip on fire was to impress the 'cool kids' one might say#cuz hes weird and no one liked him#but i like him.#his weirdness is captivating#damien meeting the lame loser kid that he doesnt like and befriending him cuz they actually have a lot in common#(and damien is very very lonely)#also pip deserves a good cry honest to god#i want. him to be happy. nyow#i want damien 2 be happy too tbh#potatart
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down bad.
in which, jude is a little bit too obsessed with his celebrity crush.
jude bellingham x singer!reader.
fc: imaan hammam.
liked by judebellingham, bellahadid, haileybieber and 8 183 018 others.
y/n: had so much fun tonight!
_
fan1: y/n you look so good
fan2: you ATE this look
fan3: princess y/n
judebellingham: 😍
fan4: of COURSE jude is in the first people to like and comment
fan5: at this point i think jude has y/n’s notifications on because there is no way
judebellingham: ofc i do!
fan6: STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS JUDE GUY OMG
fan7: y/n i’m begging you to drop another album or i’ll kms
fan8: WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO BRAZIL??
fan9: Y/N I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
fan10: marry me pls
view all comments.
liked by judebellingham, zayn, champagnepapi and 9 728 091 others.
y/n: hope you liked 'message in a bottle' and i hope the bottle found its receiver :)
_
fan1: GIRL YOU CAN’T LEAVE US LIKE THAT
fan2: WHO IS THIS DAMN SONG FOR??
fan3: been on repeat, amazing job y/n!
fan4: i missed your voice so much!!
fan5: IS THIS ABOUT JUDE???
fan6: Y/N I’LL KMS IN FRONT OF YOU IF YOU DON’T GIVE US ANSWERS
fan7: damn y’all are crazy
fan8: why would y/n write a song about a random football player?? she only dates a-list celebrities
fan9: lmao bold of y’all to assume our y/n would give time to your little jude
declanrice: please dm him y/n, he’s been playing this song every since it came out
judebellingham: IT’S NOT TRUE
fan10: abjskslslq not declan calling him out for being a fanboy
trentarnold66: i’m begging you to dm jude so he can SHUT THE FUCK UP
judebellingham: I’LL BEAT YOUR ASS DELETE THAT
masonmount: yeah we’re considering booking a therapist because he’s been crying over that song and making up scenarios about you
judebellingham: FAKE NEWS I KNOW THE SONG ISN’T ABOUT ME
y/n: it is actually.
fan11: WHAT
fan12: HOLY SHIIIIIT
declanrice: just letting you know that jude has fainted
view all comments.
insta dms.
y/n.
you really made me dm you first hm?
judebellingham.
holy shit
nah i must be dreaming rn
y/n.
haha no you’re not
so, you liked the song?
judebellingham.
y/n l/n is dming me
i must have saved a whole nation in my past life to be such a lucky mf
I LOVED IT
seriously your voice is heavenly and your lyrics always hit deep
but were you lying?
y/n.
thanks jude! about what?
judebellingham.
the song being about me, was that a lie?
y/n.
absolutely not.
i wouldn’t lie about that, jude.
this song is for and about you.
so, i heard you had to play against barcelona tomorrow, can i have an invite?
judebellingham.
you want to come?
OMG
YES OFC IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION
_
liked by y/n, declanrice, trentarnold66, and 1 728 092 others.
judebellingham: couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate tonight’s win!
_
y/n: the man of the match indeed
liked by judebellingham.
trentarnold66: WAR IS OVEEEEER
fan1: OMGGGGGGGG
fan2: i can’t believe he actually went on a date with THEE y/n l/n!!
fan3: nah man, respect to you
fan4: bellingham is on fire lately
aurelientchm: 😏
rodrygogoes: 😏😏
masonmount: 😏😏😏
toni.kr8s: 😏😏😏😏
judebellingham: i’m going to block every single ones of you.
view all comments.
#jude bellingham#jude bellingham fluff#jude bellingham imagine#jude bellingham x reader#jude bellingham x you#jude bellingham x oc#jude bellingham fic#football#football au#football x reader#jude bellingham fanfic
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hard launch
summary: tj and alex hard launch
contains: fluff, instagram, cussing
————
holtz_10 just posted
holtz_10
caption: another year in the 📚 and another year with you. loving you is the most amazing thing one can do. love you tj 🫶🏻
tagged// tj_ryder
comments:
tj_ryder: WHEN TF RID U TAKE THOSE PHOTOS???????????????
- holtz_10: don’t worry abt it..
user: KMS?????
user: THATS SI SWEET RJEHGVEHD
lhughes_06: tj can cook?
- tj_ryder: break a rib.
jackhughes: why he staring at me like that
dawson1417: 🃏🃏
- holtz_10: ♠️♠️
user: HES NOT STRAIGJT???
user: SCREAMED
user: WHYS HE SO SWEET?? WHY DID I CRY
————
tj_ryder just posted
tj_ryder
caption: apparently we’re hard launching now. anyways. here’s to more love and Swedish sunsets (there just better). i love you alex and your terrible taste in music.
tagged// holtz_10
comments:
holtz_10: i have amazing music taste you little rat
- tj_ryder: rat?!?! U BULLY
- holtz_10: baby.
user: BABY?!?! KMS
user: HOLTZY CAN PULL??
user: he sleeps so peacefully
- tj_ryder: until he snores
user: terrible music taste??
- tj_ryder: its swedish rap. none of it makes sense. like wtf does any of it mean.
lhughes_06: STOP POSTING PORN U FUCKING BITVHES
user: luke’s not okay….
user: THATS SI SWEEG I DIED
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im going to go on an autism ramble i am WOMBO COMBOING two fixations.
JAY FOREMAN. he makes this really neat guitar music with really creative lyrics and shit right. well i kinda made this weirdly specific connection. and he reminds me of sniper from tf2 lowkey. and now i'm just thinking sniper would be kicking ass at like a campfire or something, yknow when people play the guitar around the campfire right. yeah that
but anyway what im getting at is. the one issue with this headcanon is that jay foreman is british (or at least i assume he is considering Something Oddly Specific) and sniper is australian so it would be weird to headcanon his voice as jay foreman, plus its not THAT fitting i guess. BUT BUT BUT
BUT. i read this fanficton right. it talked about how he never really ended up liking women. gay people ANYWAY uh. hm
so theres this one song called "slightly imperfect girl" by mr foreman that could possibly be him before realizing that, its about "if like me, you've been single for a long time, and you're looking for the right person, eventually your standards drop" it's quite a funny song actually you can listen to it here but then later he realized Wait a damn second! IM A GAY ASS you know? also i really think he would play guitar he just REEKS guitar to me. ive also seen people headcanon him as playing saxophone though which could also be fitting but now im just thinking about how in this fanfic ive been brainrotting over GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA you know? you know. you do not know. hold on let me open the fanfic and get a screenshot.
THE FANFIC IS RUNNING BLIND BY THETRIGGEREDHAPPY BTW. its not fully done yet but ive already reread 5 of the chapters because of how good it is. heres a link to it if you want anyway i just opened it and found this funny screenshot instead of the thing that i was looking for so you're looking at that now. wait nvm its not that funny without context it just looks like some guy getting over the head with a wooden stick. anyway let me find what i was actually looking for HERE IT IS
im going to kms i just deleted like half of my rambles im gonna cry. im gonna kill something im gonna bite you. im gonna bite the reader. but its okay actually because i got really really off track. im kinda tired of typing actually. maybe ill do more later but my brain is too tired to come up with anything more than this NO WAIT I LIED im going to talk about jay foreman now
POTATO. potato song. thats one of the ones where once you listen to it after a while it isnt really that funny but its hilarious the first time you hear it. heres the potato song (animated for your viewing pleasure).... it would be more than strange, it would be horrible!/lyr i never thought a song about a potato prime minister would be so entertaining but here we are. AND THERE'S THIS ONE SONG BY JAY FOREMAN. WHERE HE DOES THIS FUCKING AMAZING MOUTH TRUMPET IM STILL SO SURPRISED HOW DID HE DO THAT?! YOU KNOW??? heres that one the lyrics are also really good honestly its soooo clever. one of my favorites of his. if i could do that mouth trumpet i would pull so many bitches..................... but what im getting at is that sniper would probably sing at least SOME of these. sometimes. as a treat. but he doesnt like singing that much so you gotta ask him really nicely and even then he'll be all like SIGHHHHHH or whatever, yeah
the original post where i thought about this i said that the song that he would most likely know is pretend you're happy by jay foreman(obviously its by jay foreman/t) and the reason why is BECAUSE OF THE FANFIC I READ OKAY. it goes into depth kinda about a surprisingly amount of mental illness. but it reminded me of him because of how my view has changed on the character after reading running blind like im putting it in my mouth. i am putting it in my mouth you dont understnad im going cray cray bonkers over this fanfic. i think im gonna look at more potential fanfics from thetriggeredhappy because OOOH MY GOD its not just the characters and story i find interesting its the WRITING like its . THERES A LOT!!! THERES LIKE AT LEAST 35 CHAPTERS IN TOTAL. NO THERES TOTALLY WAY MORE THAN THAT IN TOTAL. with all of the fanfics smooshed together though. not just one. all of them. theres like 4 but one of them is about spy which im not too interested in but its still interesting. why are all of the tf2 fanfics i read so GOOD RIPS MY HAIR OUT AND SCREAMS. theres this one texas toast (idk if its actually a ship but its about the two of them) fanfic i read that im still frothing over i need to reread it because the story is SO FUCKING GOOD and the headcanons are SO FUCKING GOOD AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH let me look for it and see if i can link it. its this and it is SO GOOD i hope it gets updated again because i am like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH about it i am so AHHHHHHHHHHH about these tf2 fanfics it is free brainrot content and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
here is an image of sniper. oh yeah ive actually started sorta maining sniper recently let me get my hours on the game really quick...
i started maining pyro and then i kinda went "hey sniper is loads a fun in casual" so i started playing sniper a lot and now im kinda just vibing with it. medic too but thats because i just. enjoy being a support class?? idk. anyway. a lot of my time is on mvm and i dont know if you can check how long youve played on mvm or not ill look eventually but i dont feel like it right now. anyway im going to stop typing before my fingers start hurting and before my brain runs out of things to ramble about. goodbye
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Hahaha… heyyy…
Long time no talk maiverie 😜‼️ I totally like didn’t disappear off of the Earth of Tumblr… or did I.?? 😳😳 I REALLY REALLY MOST DESPERATELY hope that you’re doing well bffl!! I WILL ALWAYS RESPOND TO YOU FROM NOW ON UNTIL I FEEL LIKE ITS TIME FOR ME TO JUMP INTO MY DARK HABIT OF GHOSTING TUMBLR 😚🫶 BIG NEWS. I’m ngl… but I’m kind of leaning towards Heeseung bias.. BUT. Jake will always be ma numba 1 hyperpuppy boy ☝️I KNOW.. WHO THE HELL AM I?1!?1 I DONT EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE T-T ! MY WHOLE BLOG IS DEDICATED TO THAT MANS‼️
ANYWAYS DID YOU HEAR BOUT THAT P1HARMONY CONCERT?1!1? AND REX ORANGE COUNTY AND LAUV TOO?1!1? THERE ARE SO FUCKING MANYPEOPLE TOURING AUSTRALIA ITS SOOOOOO UNBELIEVABLE !!! I LITERALLY BARELY LISTEN TO THEM BUT I WANNA GO SOOOOO BAD 😫😫 but like what the hell I dont get paid enough to even afford those tickets 😟
I have no excuse to run away from you anymore. I hope you didn’t feel lonely :( ENOUGH OF DAT GLOOMY SHIT!! IM SO GLAD YOU HAVE SO MANY MOOTS NOW!! YOUVE GROWN SO MUCH ON THIS PLATFORM AND IM GENUINELY SO PROUD OF YOU T-T I will now be off to go read your works until like 3am and shed tears (+repost, like, let the whole world know and shed some more tears) I LOVE YOU LOADS MAIVERIE!! 🤍 ALSOOO HAPPY LATE VALENTINES DAY??? IK IM LIKE 5 MONTHS LATE BUT ITS WHATEVER… MUCH LOVE 🥰
- from dat bitch that always dips
SHUT THE FUCK UP SELENA YOURE HEEEREEEE???? 😭😭😭😭😭😭 im actually gna kms i missed u a lil too much i’m gna cry 😭😭😭😭😭😭
KSJEKSJWLWIJDAKADKA i didn’t actually expect a reply CMONNNN it’s been months ☹️💖 (i ghosted tumblr too for a few months but it’s okay we both have our faults and we’re still perfect amazing sexy ppl 🫂) ALSO SHUT UPPPP THAT IS THE BIGGEST NEWS EVER IAKEKWLFJLSS IM CRYYINGGGF idk if u rmb but i used to be jay biased 😭 you 🤝 me 🤝 succumbing to heeseung BUT PSLSSS HELPP IM SO EXCITED FOR U (i can finally call u my fave heetual 😽) SO WHAT CHANGED UR MIND ?? WAS BITE ME THE FINAL STRAW ?? 🤭
OH MY GOD I DIDDD 😭😭😭😭 i’m literally confused bc at first it was that NOBODY was coming to aus and suddenly everybody and their dog wants to come 😭 also niki is coming?? taylor swift?? CHARLIE PUTH??? like hold upppp 😭😭
🥹🥹 NO BC SHUT UP WHY DID UR LASK GEN MAKE ME WANNA KMS IN A HAPPY SAD WAY IM 😭😭😭 NOOOOO BC U ARE MY DAY 1 😭💖🫵 I LOVE U SM WTH this acc has definitely grown a lot since the beginning but it makes me so proud and happy that you were a part of that 😭 nothing makes me happier than interacting w u so tysm for popping in ☹️💗 also it literally is so late GO TO SLEEP you’re like an hr ahead of me which means it’s 3:30???!!!!!$&”&:&;” btw as i was typing this i saw ur rb on bite by bite STOPP WHY ARE U READING IT GO AWAY 😭😭 naur cos it’s so different from my usual writing style BUT PLS IM GLAD IT WAS OKAY 😭💖💖💖💞
anyway i miss u i love u HAPPY BELATED VALENTINE’S DAY thank you for stopping by MWAH MWAH MWAH appreciate u loads 😽😽 hope u are keeping warm for winter && work + uni are going well 😵💫 vvvv exciting news that u r now heeseung biased I CANT BE MORE PROUD 🤭😈 love u long long long time my fave KEEP SAFE PLEASE EAT WELL STAY HEALTHY BE HAPPY && AND I WILL BE HAPPY 💕💞💓💗💝💘💖
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lovey ems, 💙UGAKJSBDKABSDHEAUAHSHDAJKWEUWBAJSBDKASCGBASIU AVKSJCBAKJBSKJDASKJDKJASKJDKJAWHEIUABFAJSBJKDAJ.ehem ehem. anyways GUESS WHO DREAMT OF THEIR CRUSH??? it was so fucking unexpected idk wtf is going on. I THOUGHT IT WASNT SO SERIOUS WTF. bestie sm has been going on ever since i was offline, LOTS OF INTERACTION WITH HIM BRO, i think i can die now. also enhypen is on my country <33 jejsjsjsjd altho im not able to attend cus im broke asf. HOW ARE YOU LOVE? YOU WELL? I HEARD ITS SNOWING THERE?? pls update me <33💙💙💙
-m💙
HEY MOONIEEEE OMG ??!!!!1!1?1?1??€ die im so jealous even tho i dint have a crush MAN THATS INSANE AHHH 😭 im so glad to hear things have been going well w him tho :00!! AND STOP ENHAS IN UR COUNTRY?!2?2? AND U CANT SEE THEM!?. starts crying throwign uo. WHEN IS IT MY TURN MAN ENHA COME TO CANADS ALREADY IM GONNA KMS. ☹️
i’ve been p well :D surviving school but luckily i have an amazing friend group so i’ve been vv happy <3 and i’m still recovering from the fact that txts ALSO HAVING A TOUR AND THEY ARENT COMING HERE. im totally fine 😍🙏 AND YES IT IS SNOWING AGAIN I HAD TO MISS A WHOLE DAY OF SCHOOL CUZ I COULDNT GET THRU IT ALL 😭 just average canada moment but ‼️‼️‼️
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i actually cannot stand being so fugly anymore 💕
im so fucking fat im not pretty my style is atrocious there is nothing actually cute about me i should be dead i shouldn't even be alive i should kms and i should've overdosed last week theres no reason for me to be alive nobody actually cares my mom doesnt give a shit about me and my dad doesnt even know whats happening but my mom does istg she doesn't fucking care everyone in my family is homophobic so nobody in my family actually loves me im a living abomination to them i cant stop eating im not even smart my friends are so fake they actually hate me im convinced they just hang out with me because they feel bad if i didnt go to them and try and talk they wouldn't even talk to me like its insane i want to kms i should do it ive relapsed so much recently its not even fucking funny i thought you know mabye after going to the hospital my mom would care but obviously wanting to end my life isnt important enough to her i just want to be left alone to get bad and to be so fucking terrible and hate myself if i was skinny and smart imagine how amazing my fucking life would be but yk i can't stop eating and now whats even better is i get scared of eating i get so anxious its crazy and my brother is coming to visit and im going to look so fucking fat so im not eating at all this week shes gonna find out one way or another so might as well stop eating right now tmr i wont eat a single fucking calorie no matter how tempting it gets im not eating this week im still fat im back in the 180s so i need to end my life or get skinny carson just exists and im jealous of her i wish i could be her so fucking bad she is skinny and thats all i want to be if i could just be fucking skinny i would be happy with myself and she actually has a reason to hate herself im so fucking pathetic there is no reason for me to be alive i hate myself i hate being me i hate not being liked i hate not being pretty i hate my big nose and big lips i hate my big forehead i hate having no real friend and being alone i want to cry so bad im going to be perfect or end my life so im going to be perfect my room has to be perfect and so does everything else in my life
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Just got the news i wont move out from my parents'
Great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i... is it too dramatic if i... i.... i cried#like i literally had to take a momrnt#and cry#cause i am feeling so shitty#i can barely talk#i have been joking about how km feeling bad so much i forgot how fucked up of a coping mechanism that waz#i literallt feel like shit#but amaze my dudez its neato#gotta go trying to keep my brain occupied cause its been yelling dumb and mean things at me non stop since friday#AND IT IS GETTING WORSE WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!
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𝕴𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝕷𝖔𝖘𝖙 𝕾𝖔𝖚𝖑𝖘 𝐈
© 2021 SailorHyunjinz ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Pairing; Bartender!Changbin x Fem!reader (she/her pronouns)
Warning ; ANGST!! SMUT!! skz side characters, semi-slow burn, hurt/comfort, strangers to lovers, depiction of mental disorders, consumption of alcohol, under the influence, self hatred, complicated family relationships, depersonalisation/derealisation, depression, alternative universe, implications of su-cide, semi su-cide attempt, su-cidal!reader, mentions of bl-od and injury, mentions of k-dnapping and murder, alcoholism, mentions of selfh-rm, mentions of knifes, gaslighting, smoking, mentions of weapons, mentions of pregnancies, a bunch of crying, fainting, toxic masculinity.
𝘕𝘚𝘍𝘞 ; piv, protected sex (use of condom), missionary, dry humping, nicknames, sex in semi-public place, fingering, corruption kink if you squint, orgasm (m/f), cum,,,, other then that it’s kinda vanilla.
𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 ; 14.3 k
O N E ｜ T W O
From one survivor to another; cheers you guys.
⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ Playlist ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰
[FEEL SOMETHING DIFFERENT - Bea Miller, Aminè]
[Multi-Love - Unknown Mortal Orchestra]
[Beach Baby - Bon Iver]
[High Enough - K.Flay]
[Dope Lovers - DPR IAN]
[Make Out in My Car ; Sufjan Stevens Version - Sufjan Stevens]
[I Feel it Coming ; The weekend, Daft Punk]
[Space Song ; Beach House] (ah the loml and the album is called depression cherry so it makes me happy)
𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥.
𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘧 18.
𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈 ; 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐩𝐢𝐭𝐲
“Let me out!! LET ME OUT!”
You cry out, banging on the heavy wooden door until your knuckles bruise, red marks leaving their traces on your soft skin. The only lightsource is the tiny cell window, sun shining brightly and illuminating thousands of dust specks, floating around you like your lost hopes. The grey cement walls got closer and closer, seconds ticking in your head like a clock.
This is it.
This is how you die.
Crushed to death like a bug, your ambitions never getting their chance to prove themselves. All that you ever wanted to achieve was an impossibility as you were slowly but surely pressed together in the ever shrinking room.
Salty tears roll down your cheek, a feeling of hopelessness washing over you as you turn your back against the door, sliding down to your feet, banging the back of your head lightly against the entrance.
You feel the rough walls hitting both sides of your forearms, a last ear deafening scream leaving your parted lips.
Until you woke up.
With a series of jerking motions you sit up, panting like you just ran a marathon, the pounding of your heart audible to you. Darkness swallowed you as the night progressed, you considering yourself lucky to find yourself in your comfortable bed, still in your room.
Only after minutes do you notice your wet cheeks, the tears not being limited to your dream world. You blink, your coated eyelashes weighing heavy on your eyelids as you wipe tears with the back of your hand. The shock from your dream didn’t reside, you now being too afraid to fall back on your plushy pillow, fearful of what horrible dreams awaited you on the other side.
You grab your phone from the nightstand, immediately being hit with a bright light causing you to squint and turn away momentarily.
[Search: being crushed dream meaning]
Multiple articles from all sorts of sketchy websites popped up, you clicking on the first one.
“Stress or emotionally overwhelmed”
You laugh lazily, the dream making sense as you feel yourself slipping back into a peaceful slumber, phone still in hand as the muscles in your face relax, jaw opening, your dream world once again inviting you for a dance.
The sun woke you up with it’s radiant rays shining in your face, the closed blinds barely able to withstand them. Your phone was lying on the floor face down, you must have dropped it while sleeping you thought before rubbing your eyes from any dirt and staring up at the ceiling.
Another day
Another day that I’m here.
You wish you could pull the covers over your head, get lost in your own mind and never deal with the outside world ever again. But you had to.
You picked up your phone from the dusty floor that hadn’t been cleaned for weeks, you simply didn’t have the motivation to do it. The bright phone screen awaked you, you blinked your eyes a couple of times to see clearer.
[3 Missed Calls - Mom]
You couldn’t be bothered to call her back. She was only gonna nag at you for not calling back earlier, wondering what you’ve been up to now that you’ve been fired from your job as a receptionist at the local hotel. What were you gonna say? Drinking too much booze and crying yourself to sleep every night? You couldn’t, that would only hurt her.
Ignorance is bliss, as they say.
You got up, legs wobbling as you stumbled to the bathroom, head pounding from the amount of alcohol you consumed the night prior. Not with friends but alone, in your living room, in the one room apartment you no longer could afford.
Ice cold water splashed onto your sweaty face, that being the only hygiene you could muster today. You turned the tap off, grabbing a towel and wiping your face and looking deep into your own eyes.
That’s not me.
That’s not me looking back.
You poked your tongue out, hoping the figure in the mirror wouldn’t move and you could confirm your thoughts but alas the figure followed you. You felt crazy, it was as if you’ve died a long time ago but still saw everything that happened. You could stick your hand through a wall and it would disappear you thought, nothing was real. Not even you.
You entered your mess of a living room, seeing the wreck from yesterday night. Countless green glass bottles scattered on the table in front of the tv that was your only escape from reality. Blankets and pillows were thrown across the floor along with a box of tissues, your emotions bubbling up to the surface too often resulting in you crying and shaking on the floor, a feeling of fear washing over you late at night.
You felt alone.
But you weren’t.
Fuck, why were you so ungrateful? You had everything. A roof over your head, a family that loves you, friends, food on the table. Yet, even this couldn’t satisfy you. You blamed yourself for everything.
For your work firing you.
For your parents divorcing.
For your own pathetic life.
You shook your head as if you were shaking the negative thoughts out of your head, instead grabbing a couple of the empty bottles that were reeking with the scent of liquor and placing them on the kitchen counter. ‘Cleaning up’ in your eyes.
With a thump your back landed against the couch that swallowed you, engulfing you in a comforting embrace you got from no other person or object. This was your safe space you thought but not even your couch could save you from your intrusive reasonings. With a light click on the remote the tv screen lit up, your eyes still not used to the brightness since you’re always cooped up in your apartment where the blinds were always closed, another barrier between you and reality.
Nature documentaries, your favorite.
The calming male voice of the narrator being the only one you talked to during your lonely days. The animals could make you forget. They lived so freely, moving wherever they wanted without a care in the world, either swimming, hopping or flying. You wish you were born as another animal than human.
“The 52-hertz whale travels an astonishing 70 km a day but it’s voyage doesn’t bring social interactions. This whale is the loneliest whale in the world. It’s the only whale that is capable of emitting a whale call at such frequency, no other individuals communicating with the poor creature.”
You sat up in curiosity. It was a scream for help you thought. The whale needed help, it needed someone or something.
Just like you.
You sighed, watching the lonely whale on your tv screen, seeing it’s gracious movements despite its size. It did look lonely in that deep dark sea, wondering how it would be to fall into the abyss of water, swallowing you whole and erasing the life that once sparked your soul.
This was where you spent your entire days. The clock on the wall is ticking but the digits it displayed are oblivious to you. What did it matter if it was 5 pm or 1 am? You were still not gonna budge from your comforting seat on the couch. Drinking your feelings away no matter what time in the day.
This was you.
This was who you had become.
The sun started to set on the horizon, a delicate shade of light purple descending over it, covering the end of the world like the way a canopy covers the softness of a bed. You sigh, diverting your focus back on the tv screen after momentarily observing the life outside your window. Yet again, nature documentaries accompanied by the soft male voice, narrating every movement of the colibri that fluttered it’s wings at the speed of light on your screen in vivid colors.
You got that look in your eyes. That look of amazement which you now only had when looking at the beautiful colors of a exotic bird. You moved closer to the tv screen in the now dark living room, the sun setting at a fast pace. It reminded you of the many times your mom shouted at you to not sit so close to the screen, scaring you by saying that you’d get rectangular eyes.
Your childhood.
The only time you felt ease.
The only time your family was as one.
“y/n, what does your heart look like?” the therapist asked, scribbling mindlessly on a notepad.
“it’s a muscle that pumps blo-” you started but were quickly cut off.
“no, I mean what does your heart look like, how does it feel?”
You sighed, looking down at the grey marbled floor, your legs shaking in nervousness. You hesitated before speaking, scrambling in your mind to say something sensible before the words came pouring out of you.
“i-it looks like a house. A dark, empty house,,, but it’s comforting.”
Once again you heard the sound of a pencil writing incoherent sentences. Curious as to know what secrets were on that piece of A5-paper.
“is there anyone in the house with you?” the therapist inquired.
You shook your head before speaking.
“I don’t want to let anyone in, this is my safe space” you say, almost setting up an emotional barrier, not wanting to answer further questions.
The person sitting across from you hummed as you stared out the window behind them, the green ivy bushes already grown tall enough to cover half of the grimy window.
“is the house empty?” they asked to which you shook your head once again, avoiding the glassy-eyed stare of the therapist.
“no,,, there are dusty furniture covered in white cloths and-,,, and family photos in the drawers.”
“is it your family?”
You shook your head in disagreement.
“How did you end up here?”
You thought for a second, puffing out your cheeks, a habit of yours. You searched for a reason but not finding any.
“I just,,, was here one day.”
“The sun never shines here.” you added after a solid 30 seconds of silence.
You were stuck in that house.
The house that was once filled with happy memories of another family, you simply a ghost that was now trying to fit the broken pieces together, wanting desperately to see them smiling again.
Tears started forming in your eyes, a shiny gloss over your orbs.
But you never cried.
Not in front of others.
You thought often about that visit. Why your heart was an desolate house and why the words spilled out of you like a poisonous liquid.
You closed your eyes, the bright colors fluttering behind your eyelids as the comforting sounds of the woods blasted from the tv.
You wish you could be somewhere else.
Anywhere but here.
A single tear rolled down your cheek as a smile creeped up on your face, your butt against the floor as your knees were underneath your chin, your entire figure curled up into a small ball.
You sighed as your eyes fluttered open again. You were still here, in your apartment that smelled like nothing but alcohol and disappointment.
Firmly planting both your hands on the wooden floor you heaved yourself up with the intention of getting more tissues, the blue colored tissue box on the floor being as empty as others expectations of you.
But as you stood up the entire room started spinning, small specks of rainbow flashing by your eyes. You thought you stood up to quickly grabbing onto the wall for a second before collapsing against it, your entire body shaking. You cried louder, thinking you were about to pass out. Your hair stuck to your tear stained cheek as your puffy eyes closed once again.
What was happening?
The rain hit your unconscious body, your knees scraped from the concrete you lied on. You were soaked from head to toe, lying with your cheek against the ground in a puddle of rain. You woke up from your head pounding, your bloody knees only gaining your attention after you’ve looked around in a confused daze.
It was empty. An alleyway in the dark night. You found yourself panicked, anxiety bubbling inside of you. That’s when you saw it. A single street light above a red phone booth. You tried to stand up but fell over again as your legs could barely hold you up, now scraping your elbow against the gritty ground.
Crying out, you started shouting for help.
“HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP!”
You screamed at the top of your lungs, voice cracking as your tears started to look identical to the rain that was pouring over your cold, helpless body. Nobody came, your voice only echoing against the wall that the phone booth stood near to.
You got on all fours, crawling towards the light as pure pain shot through your body, small pebbles jabbing into the open wounds on your knees. You needed shield from the rain. Desperate huffs and groans escaping your parted lips as you dragged yourself through small puddles, the phonebooth seemingly getting further and further away from you. Looking through the soaked curtains that was your hair you were determined, this was life or death you thought as you continued to shout out for help, it appeared to be useless since the only other sound besides your own voice was the rain hitting the ground.
Shivering hands grabbed onto the corner of the crimson red phonebooth, the streetlight illuminating your teary eyes. You held onto that frigid and wet piece of metal as if you were holding onto a treasure.
As if you won a race.
As if you pleased your parents.
You looked up, dragging the inner side of your leg against the concrete, your pyjama pants wet to the bone. Desperately you got yourself together, your arms shaking as the rough pads of your hands met the ground, pushing yourself up into a standing position. You hissed at the pain in your knees as you grabbed onto the metal handle that opened the phonebooth, stepping inside.
The inside was surprisingly warm, as if someone had been there moments prior. A ripped piece of paper was taped on the glass pane to the right of the payphone, something that seemed like a phone number but could impossibly be since it wasn’t a full number.
[1800-xxx]
You looked at the payphone and then back at the washed out paper, the edges of the note curling and stained with yellow. Only when you looked back at the phone again did you notice the keypad. To your surprise there was an “x” button. Your head felt heavy, deciding to lean it against the other side of the stuffy phone booth, your hot breath creating steam on the glass.
You wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
Your entire body ached, let alone the blood that was dripping down your leg. The rusty payphone connected to the actual phone, a black handle connected to the underside of the machinery by a coiled metal rope. You picked up the phone, putting it against your ear and groaned when you remembered that you needed coins in order for the payphone to work
[0.5 gold/minute]
You rubbed your eyes. Gold? You sighed loudly, your knees barely being able to hold your weary body any longer. Hesitant fingers pressed the number that was jot down on the lined note, pressing each key accordingly. You pressed the last x before you pressed the “call” button, not expecting anything to happen.
But after a few seconds a female automated voice spoke to you.
“Thank you for calling. This place only appears to the suffering. If you are receiving this call, congratulations! Your prayers have been answered. Drink the liquid in the paper cup above this payphone. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid.”
The voice lagged, a static sound accompanying the automated voice. Your breath got shaky as you looked around, holding the phone close to your ear with both hands. This could only be some sort of kidnapping scheme or this was a sick dream.
“It’s a dream, y/n. Calm down, nothing's gonna hurt you.”
You muttered to yourself, pinching your forearm tightly and wincing from pain. This wasn’t a dream after all.
Your gaze landed on the brown paper cup that was balancing delicately on top of the payphone, your cracking knuckles reaching for it as you let the phone fall out of your grasp, being caught mere inches from the sticky floor of the photobooth by the coil. Bringing the cup closer to your face you saw a dark viscous liquid that smelled sweet enough to sting your nose. Your face contorted into disgust, debating on whether not to drink the contents of the paper cup.
“Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid.”
The voice continued ringing in your ears. You had nothing to lose. If you died then you at least got what you wanted. Holding your breath, you brought the cup closer to your quivering lips, parting them slightly as you held your nose tightly, not wanting to feel whatever horrible taste could be found in that dark pit of goo.
It burned the moment it hit the delicate taste buds on your tongue, your voice muffled as the fluid descended down your throat, your larynx bobbing up and down with each gulp. Despite covering your nose you could taste the pungent sweetness, it tasted like pure acid. Not that you knew what that tasted like but what you assumed it would.
You coughed, accidentally spilling some of the goo on the floor, dribbling out of your mouth. The heavy rain pitter-pattered against the metal roof above your head, your eyelids threatening to shut. The cup fell out of your hand as you slammed your forehead against the payphone, not hard enough to bleed but hard enough to bruise. Your jawbone hurt from how much you’d been crying, eyes puffy as the salty tears mixed with the rain droplets on your face.
“i-i’m sorry mom, i’m so fucking sorry.”
You rolled your forehead left to right against the rusty material of the payphone, your soaked hair covering your empty eyes. Your knees bent under you causing you to fall on your butt with your knees clinking against each other, the sticky contents on the floor sticking to the soft fabric of your pants.
“I’M SO SORRY!”
You never thought a scream this loud could protrude its way out of your throat, the vibrations bouncing off the glass that to your surprise didn’t break. Everything started to become shades darker, almost as if a black and white filter settled over your vision.
No, this is how you’re gonna die.
Alone.
In the rain.
“Hyung, what are you gonna do with her?”
Muffled club music struck your ear along with a high pitched ringing, your eyelids felt as heavy as they’d been in the phonebooth. With your head pounding you slowly open your eyes, first not seeing anything but darkness before eight unknown men form a circle around you, hovering above you.
You shoot up from your lying position, fear overtaking your body. Where were you but more importantly why the fuck were you alone in a dark room with 8 young men? Not thinking straight, you decided to scream once again, thinking they would back off and let you be.
“Get away from me!!”
The males covered their ears, groaning in pain and a blonde boy throwing himself on the floor, rolling around.
“HEY!! HEY! WE’RE NOT GONNA HURT YOU!”
A strong voice overpowered yours, every word almost sounding like a grunt. You around, seeing that you were sitting on a soft leather couch before looking up at the male that was standing right infront of you. He was muscular, his biceps sitting snugly in the tight black t-shirt that covered him, a grey apron tied around his waist and his dark hair shielding his intense gaze and furrowed eyebrows. He had a jaw so sharp you could cut silence with it but silence was the last thing this room had. The boys were shouting at each other, trying to hush the others while screaming themselves.
“SHUT UP!!”
The room got quiet as the muscular guy roared, the seven other individuals coming to a halt. You looked at them all with a puzzled expression, all of them handsome, a fact you couldn’t deny.
“Where the fuck am I, who are you guys and p-please don’t kill me”
Your voice cracked at the end of your sentence as your eyes twinkled, tears teasing the corners of your eyes, fingers shaking in fear. The male closest to you sat down, the weight of the couch shifting. He rubbed his hand together before he started speaking in a calmer voice.
“I’m Changbin, bartender of the Lost Souls nightclub. That’s Chan, security guard.”
With his chin, he pointed at a guy in ripped black jeans with a white t-shirt, a sweatband across his forehead, pushing his slightly curly hair back. He didn’t look like a security guard, the only thing that might have pointed to that was the walkie-talkie hanging from his belt. You nodded before Changbin continued.
“And those are some friends, frequent visitors if you will.”
A light haired boy with shiny rhinestones under his eyes stepped forward after he’d been hugging the tallest guy in the room the entire time.
“u-uhm, the name’s Felix! This is Hyunjin, Seungmin, Jeongin, Jisung and Minho, and yeah those two, Chan and Changbin.”
He pointed at each guy respectively and the room filled with small “hi’s” and smiles. They didn’t look threatening, all of them being very timid and looking down at the ground. Your gaze diverted back to Changbin that was staring at you the entire time.
“Can somebody tell me where I am?”
Changbin cleared his throat, stomping his boot a couple of times.
“This is gonna sound,,, interesting but you have to believe me-”
You interrupted the muscular boy, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear, noticing that it had dried.
“Why should I believe you? We’ve just met?”
Changbin sighed.
“Just,,, hear me out”. You nodded before he continued.
“You answered a phone call right?”
Nodding once again your gaze drifted towards the other boys that were looking at Changbin with googly eyes.
“Well,,, this place only appears to those who are,,, struggling with themselves. Obviously you don’t have to tell us why you’re here but,,, this is a place to let go. The only rule here is no fighting”
“Or dancing on the tables” the tall blonde boy added with a snark causing a squirrel-like boy to giggle, playfully hitting the blonde before looking at Chan who glared back at him, the boy being flustered and turning serious again. Jisung, his name was.
“W-what did that phonebooth do,,, does everyone go through that?” you asked with a curious tone.
“Usually it’s a pleasant experience going in that phonebooth, the sun shining and people hanging around that alleyway before taking the phonecall and drinking the elixir,,, there must have been a glitch in the system.”
He sounded unsure, scratching the back of his head as he looked at all of the boys.
“System? What system? I’m dreaming, right?” you said in panic, wanting to get out of this oddly suffocating room.
“W-we are real and you’re not dreaming,,, it’s just that, we can’t meet in real life you know? This is a place to,,, let oneself go and I know it’s scary since you only get here randomly, it must have been hard passing out like that,,”
A boy with fluffy light brown hair and a pretty eye smile said, Seungmin! You remembered his name because you thought it fitted him, sounding both soft and sharp at the same time.
“y-yeah,,, it was scary b-but thank you for caring about me” you said with a half smile
“oh! and also, we treated all your wounds, luckily you were passed out so you couldn’t feel the pain but let me tell you,,, it looked awful, I don’t understand how you did that Chan” Jisung remarked with wide eyes, looking at you concerned before turning to Chan.
“Did what?” you inquired to which Jisung responded.
“Removing the pebbles in your wounds, h-how did you even get those in there?” he asked to which you tried to remember, seeing hazed memories of you crawling on the asphalt in the storming rain.
“I was crawling towards the phone booth'' you said quietly as the boys gazed at you with concern. The atmosphere got dusked and in an attempt to lift the mood you cleared your throat, lightly running your hands over the bandaids that were plastered on your scraped knees, wincing from the contact.
Changbin made eye contact with Chan, jerking his head towards the door to signal for him and the other boys to leave the room. Chan nodded and patted Jeongin on the shoulder, trying to scoot all the boys out of the room like a shepherd leading a bunch of silent sheep.
“Let’s have some fun! Drinks on me boys~” Chan exclaimed to get the boys off their worried thoughts about you, the curly haired male closed the door quietly and both you and Changbin stayed silent until the footsteps were faint on the other side of the black wooden door.
“Is this better?” Changbin said with a slight smile at the end. “They can be quite the bunch sometimes, either they’re very much off the deep end or they’re just a rowdy mess” he laughs, looking out in the distance before he looks at you with your knees under your chin, holding your legs close to your body.
“So,,, we’re all here for similar reasons?” you mumbled, holding your gaze stable on his dark eyes.
“yeah,,, pretty much. We’ve all dealt with something mentally draining and of course you don’t have to tell but I just want you to know that nothing will hurt you here.” Changbin replied.
“I do want to tell,,, but it’s just that I don’t want to be alone about it. I’ve never been around people that have shared the same experiences.”
Changbin slid closer to you on the couch, putting one leg over the other.
“It’s like that for,,, almost every single individual in the club, we all want to tell our stories and this is the place to do it. No one is gonna judge you for it. I remember thinking that when I first got here, ‘everyone is gonna judge me for not drinking’.”
Changbin’s last sentence caught your attention.
“but aren’t you the bartender? shouldn’t you know all the,,, liquors and such?”
Changbin sighed and you regretted you sentence, thinking that maybe you asked a too personal question.
“I do know them but not in the way one should.”
Something clicked in your head when the boy uttered those words. You nodded silently, letting your gaze fall to your wounded knees as your shaky voice spoke;
“So do I”
Changbin’s gaze was fixated on the floor as he shared what was on his mind.
“But no one judged me,,, eh,,, I never asked for your name!” the boy said to which you giggled, reassuring Changbin that you were in a stable state.
“It’s y/n, nice to meet you!” you said, stretching your hand forward to shake his. Changbin smiled towards your gesture.
“pretty name, angel” he said, shaking your hand and noticing how small it was in his grasp, the cold metal of his rings contrasting to your now warm hands. He didn’t let go immediately, instead holding your hand and feeling it’s warm temperature, running his thumb across your knuckles softly. You snarked at his comment.
“angel? didn’t know we had established pet names for each other in barely 10 minutes of meeting.”
“and I didn’t know angels landed in this place” he said back. “i’ve had to deal with 7 annoying boys that never listen to me,,, well, 8 but one of them,,, disappeared.”
You nodded, not wanting to overstep any boundaries by asking about that 8th guy incase it was an emotional topic.
“how is it? working with alcohol despite having quite a rocky relationship to it?”
The buff boy hummed, drumming his fingers on the seat next to him.
“It’s better than one might think. I get to be around it without engaging in the activity myself, simply serving clients and the boys already know it, we look out for each other. Like a family you know!” Changbin said with a happy tone, not wanting the conversation to get you in a bad mood after all you’ve been through that night.
“family,,, could use one of those” you joked and Changbin actually laughed which you’ve never felt with anyone before, the only response you usually got was your therapist writing down your self deprecating jokes with their orange lead pencil.
“you’re always welcome to us” he said, letting go of your hand that now felt empty. You felt safe. There was no way of describing it but you felt this caring aura around this man, drawing you closer to him.
“how long does this last? i’m guessing you go back to ‘the real world’ again at some point” you spoke, making quotation marks with your hands.
“it depends, it’s different every time but you will pass out just like you did when you got here but you won’t go back to the phone booth, you’ll wake up where you were last in real life. Time goes on in the real world but here,,, clocks don’t really work. We’ve tried bringing clocks or phones with us but the digits don’t change.”
You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. This had to be a dream.
“w-whats with the gold on the phone? Does money exist in this,,, universe?” you asked with confusion to which Changbin shook his head.
“no, drinks are free and so are the phone calls, i have no idea why the phone booth says that or why Chan said that drinks are on him, he must have been stressed trying to get the boys out of here” Changbin said to which you giggled.
“i-is there any time where you never return?” you asked, earning a bittersweet smile from the male.
“yeah,,, if those issues you have get resolved but,, that rarely happens. Destructive behaviours feed of each other. Get rid of one and it gets replaced with another.”
You recognised that. It was always something, you could never live in peace without feeling the need to self sabotage.
“Poor innie knows that too well” he added with an acerbic tone.
“innie?” you tilted your head in question, gazing around the dark room that was rather empty, only a couple of dark colored shelves on the wall and the couch you were sitting on along with the ceiling lamp that was stingy with it’s light.
“Jeongin, the youngest among us. Poor boy has been through it all, if it’s not drugs it’s self harm and Minho is a real dick sometimes, bringing pocket knives in “defense”. He’s delusional, thinking everyone is out to get him and Jeongin knows this. We’ve found our precious little boy in the bathroom too many times, holding those stupid knifes Minho keeps having on him and crying till his cheeks puff up.”
You took a mental note to keep your distance from Minho, feeling bad for Changbin that had to be amidst this mess while dealing with his own emotions. You could relate, being the emotional pillar between your parents that hated each other to the brink of physical violence. There’s always someone that has to suffer because of other people's problems.
“I’m so sorry to hear that, Changbin.” you managed to stutter out, not knowing what else to add to the conversation.
“Ah,,, don’t be, y/n! Just take good care of yourself, that’s what matters the most to me” Changbin said. You smiled, moving closer and hovered your hand above his shoulder.
“Can I?” you asked quietly to which Changbin nodded and moments later felt your warm hand patting his back. He felt listened to. Understood. And even though he was yet to tell you his entire life story he knew that you were different from the others. You actually cared about him.
The room started spinning again and you clutched onto Changbin’s black t-shirt, trying to stabilize yourself. Those rainbow colored speckles you had seen earlier appeared again, vision blurring right in front of your eyes.
“y/n? how are you?” Changbin’s voice was worried but he knew what was happening.
“it’s spinning again, I t-think I’m gonna pass,,, out” you muttered,
“It’s alright y/n, I’m here yeah?” His rough voice distinguished itself from his comforting words as you held onto the dark haired boy, a faint smell of tobacco interlacing with the air you breathed in through your nose. Your two arms were now wrapped around the male with your face against his broad shoulder, eyes shutting as tightly as they could, face contorting into fear until everything disappeared. The vague beats of the music. The pain that ached from your knees. The feeling of finally finding home in someone's arms.
Everything turned into nothing in Changbin’s embrace. You were slowly turning into his everything because he had nothing in his life.
And then you woke up.
You gasped for air as you woke up in panic, hunching over on the floor in a coughing fit, clawing at your neck for oxygen. Panting on the floor you put your forehead against the wooden laminated floorboards, your frizzy hair blocking out the little light that was in the apartment and being hit with the malodorous smell of distilled alcohol.
What was that?
You were convinced that it was some kind of wicked dream. An escape from reality even. But as Changbin said, you did wake up in the exact same place and position you passed out in. A long breath seized through your lungs as you shifted in your position on the floor.
“Son of a bitch!”
Tears prickled the corners of your eyes as the hard floor hit your wounded knees. You quickly sat down on your butt, lifting your knees up to your chin and only then did your heart drop.
It wasn’t a dream. Your eyes lingered on the bandaids that were placed with the utmost care across your both knees, a stain of dark brown blood seeping through the sticky elastic material and dried blood staining your knees in a haphazard attempt of somebody trying to wipe it off without hurting you. You managed to grab the edge of the sofa, levering yourself up with, testing out the strength left in your wobbly legs. Your phone lit up, sitting on the place you’re usually curled up in. Throwing yourself on the soft piece of furniture you observed the phone screen, lost eyes wandering mindlessly over the brightly lit display.
What you noticed wasn’t the worried text from your mother.
It was the fact that the digits hadn’t changed from when you passed out.
Your head snapped towards the tv screen and the phone fell from your hand when you stared at the screen, breath trembling.
The same documentary. The same colibri.
This couldn’t be. Surely you hadn’t just stopped time,,, right? This was not something Changbin warned you about. How long until you meet Changbin again? An hour,,, or ever?
There was nothing else you could do besides wait. Wait until the next time you pass out. And what better way to make time pass but to be confronted by your mother? You pulled up the text on your phone and read it hastily before scoffing.
[Are you eating well? Please call if you see this]
Since when did she care about you? You knew that she did care. Somewhere deep inside her motherly heart she did care but the way she displayed that so-called ‘affection’ didn’t make it obvious. You tried to justify every word, believing all the lies she fed you. You tried so hard to believe that you were healthy, that your mental health wasn’t deteriorating before the eyes of your very own mother that was refusing to see the truth. That her child was indeed in pain. You couldn’t blame her, it was her way of dealing with the issue but it didn’t make it easier for you. Your thumbs hovered above the keyboard, you couldn't think of anything better to write and quickly typed it down before you hit send.
[yes, i’m busy]
Busy contemplating your existence. Your father wasn’t exactly any better. Throwing out each one of your family members until there was only him left. He had no trouble filling that emptiness, simply creating a new family and forgetting you as if you were a chapter of the book called ‘previous life’. You didn’t mind, not after everything he did to you and your mother. There was no need for a person like that in your life but unfortunately it influenced you more than you thought, always seeking validation in either work or relationships because how could you validate yourself after your self esteem had been crushed by this tyrant?
You threw your phone on the table, a clink noise being heard as it hit a bottle, knocking it over but not breaking it. Your parental issues or mental health was for once not the biggest concern in your life, now instead wanting to search for the answers that could explain the nightclub. How did it exist? What caused it to exist and who was behind it? You needed to get back there somehow.
The tv had turned off by itself, you found yourself waking up on the couch, using a pillow as a blanket, hugging the warm material closer to your body as you whined. With confused and lost eyes you scanned the room for a clock, hitting the table a couple of times and finally getting your hands on your phone, bringing it closer to your eyes.
[3:02 am] the digits lit up. You rubbed your tired eyes with your left hand, throwing the pillow on the floor and using the phone display as a torch in the pitch dark room. There was no point in falling asleep again, you had already slept so many hours, sleeping anymore would only make you drowsy the entire next day. You yawned as you staggered towards the bathroom, flicking the lightswitch on the wall and squinting fiercely as you were blinded by the harsh bathroom ceiling light. You put the phone down and quickly caught your reflection in the mirror before you sat down on the toilet to pee, folding a couple of sheets toilet paper in your hand. You yawned again as you flushed, going to wash your hands but once again being amused by your reflection.
That’s not me.
It’s the person I’ve become but never wanted to be.
Your dark circles almost reached your cheekbones, the wounds on your knees still stinging even after hours of peaceful slumber. You poked your tongue out to which the reflection did the same, staring back at you with frizzy hair and puffy eyes from tears. You couldn’t trust it. Mirrors lie you thought and so does every single reflective surface in the entire world. You would never know what you truly looked like and that ignited panic in you, feeling your breath rapidly increasing as you held onto the white cold edge of the bathroom sink.
This happened. Too often. It was the feeling of not knowing yourself or your surroundings. Like you had just appeared in this world, scared and alone. To not know who you are and having to live with yourself til the day you die frightened you. But you didn’t know if death was any better. Sure, the thought was comforting but being buried under layers of soil, having flowers and insects living their best life above you as you simply rotted away wasn’t the solution to all your worries although a moment of eternal peace did sound tempting.
You felt a lump in your throat, trying to cough as if it was some sort of anxiety flem when in reality it was your brain setting up imaginary barricades. Your hair draped in front of your face and with furious eyes you peeked up, seeing your almost demon-like expression and smiling psychotically.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you, y/n l/n.
Your smile was wiped off the moment the room started spinning. Your reflection becomes diffuse in the mirror as if it wasn’t enough not recognising it. A loud gulp made its way down your esophagus as you continued staring at yourself in disgust. You blinked slowly, every time you closed your eyes you saw those rainbow colored specks all around, almost as if they were distracting you from what was happening, like a kaleidoscope for a child. You felt as if the ground started shaking, an earthquake in your personal world that was separated from the real one. Maybe you were going back to the nightclub, to Changbin’s reassuring arms or maybe you we’re really going crazy this time. The specks got bigger, turning into elaborate patterns in neon colors that clouded your vision. You kept eye contact with your reflection for what seemed like forever, despising the person that was staring back, your gaze broken as your eyes rolled back in your skull, your eyes white as if you’d been hexed before you collapsed on the frigid bathroom floor.
“y/n? y/n, wake up!”
The sun dazed your eyes as you woke up on the slightly toasty concrete. Changbin tilted his head as a cigarette was hanging out the corner of his mouth, bright sunlight behind him. He had on a jean jacket with patches from several underground punk and rock bands, his neck was embellished with multiple silver chains and his hair was slicked back, glistening in the heat. He knocked the wind out of you even more, as if passing out in the bathroom wasn’t enough torture.
“oh y/n! you’re awake!”
Chan says, coming closer to you, this time he’s wearing a tanktop that showed off his flawless abs, your mouth watering at the sight. You only then remembered that you looked like a mess, still in your pyjamas that consisted of an old sports event t-shirt and small basketball shorts.
“a-am i in the club again?” you say, rubbing your eyes with both hands before feeling your head pounding a bit, sitting up slowly and feeling the harsh ground beneath you.
“no! you’re at the phone booth, everyone is here now oh and, this is usual how it’s supposed to look.”
After your vision stops blurring you look around, seeing the same alleyway and the same crimson phone booth but being hit with a completely different atmosphere. People were standing in all types of fancy clothes, trendy bright colors, exaggerated makeup and 7 inch platforms. The sun was beaming, it felt like a hot summer day with friends, just like the old days back when you had friends.
“why does y/n always wear pyjamas? don’t you have any cool clothes?” Hyunjin snarks, pushing his blonde hair behind his ears, displaying his dangly silver and black earrings.
“knock it off asshat, the poor girl is probably scared off her mind” Seungmin sneaks up behind the blonde, punching him lightly in the stomach before he smiles sweetly at you. Duality was this man's second name.
“t-thank you seungmin” you said, giving a smile back but being met with a surprised facial expression.
“you remembered my name!” he said, giggling adorably. You gave a small nod before you looked back at Changbin that was drawing a breath from the cigarette, puffing out a white cloud close to your face before waving it away. You noticed how tired Changbin looked, his cheekbones sunken in and his complexion bleak. He stretched out his hand to help you up which you grabbed, the insides between his pointer and ring finger being slightly stained orange from tobacco. You wobbled up on your feet, knees slightly unstable but feeling better from sitting down a while.
“are you alright y/n? i could open that resting room if you want” he said before inhaling smoke once again, spreading in his mouth and intoxicating him. You shook your head.
“i want to see the club, why not while we’re there you know?” you said, smiling brightly and making his heart jump. Changbin hid the grin he so desperately wanted to display by dropping the cigarette bud on the concrete, stepping on it with his heavy boots that had chain details attached.
“alright, whatever you want angel” Changbin sneered which caught the attention of the 7 other boys, all staring at the jean-jacketed boy.
“angel? seems like someone has a crush” Hyunjin remarked making Jisung burst out in laughter.
“says master heartbreaker” Chan said under his breath making Hyunjin furrow his eyebrows, diverting his gaze from Changbin to Chan instead.
“come on you guys! can we not go to the club already?” Felix said, him also wearing a crop top along with a leather chest harness that accentuated his figure. Jisung nodded and made his way towards the phone booth that had droplets of steam on the inside, Felix and Hyunjin following shortly after the squirrel-like boy. You observed the alleyway. People leaning against the grey wall where the phone booth was, either smoking or chatting. Some were standing, others sitting down directly on the concrete, feeling the same heat you felt as you woke up.
With unstable steps you walked towards the phone booth behind all the boys, Changbin staying by your side and waving his hands towards the 7 boys that had somehow crammed into the humid and stuffy metal building, Chan closing the glassdoor as a couple of the boys giggled. You and Changbin stood on the other side of the door, seeing how Chan grabbed the black phone you had once held with cold dirty hands and Seungmin giggling as he took a sip out of the contents in the paper cup, passing it around to the others that did the same.
They disappeared right in front of you. Your mouth stood agape. They didn’t pass out, they just disappeared into thin air, leaving the airless crimson structure empty yet again.
“w-wait, why didn’t they pass out?” you asked, turning to Changbin as you ran a hand through your hair.
“it happens when you’re new. the body isn’t used to the entire,,, universe switch so you will probably pass out this time also but don’t worry, i’ll catch you”
Changbin grinned, opening the door and being hit by the lack of oxygen. He held the door open for you to which you smiled, stepping inside and seeing that the paper cup had been refilled automatically. The door closed behind Changbin, you standing in close proximity to the boy as you lifted the phone slowly, still feeling the warmth from Chan’s hand. The dark haired boy grabbed the brown paper cup, not even looking at the goopy substance before drinking it, seeing his adam's apple bob up and down. You put the phone towards your ear, wondering why you didn’t hear the female automated voice.
“it doesn’t work?” you said with confusion to which Changbin smiled, pressing in the infamous number on the rusty keypad.
[1800-xxx]
“yeah, it doesn’t if you don’t type in the number” he chuckled, holding the paper cup in both hands and leaning against the humid glass.
Suddenly you hear the voice you were dreading the hear.
“Thank you for calling. This place only appears to the suffering. If you are receiving this call, congratulations! Your prayers have been answered. Drink the liquid in the paper cup above this payphone. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid.”
It reminded you of that night. That dark rainy evening. The voice started to lag, just like it did last time. You hung up and turned around whereupon you saw Changbin handing you the paper cup. You gulped and put your lips on the edge of the cup, looking at him with unease but feeling comfortable with his presence. You tilted the cup, feeling the sweetness trickle down your throat, almost stinging your insides. Changbin smiled, he looked like the typical bad boy from every cliché teen movie but it made your heart flutter, slightly embarrassed at the state of yourself. He pushed away from the glass wall and swiped his thumb across the corner of your mouth, wiping off the sweet liquid and licking it off the tip of his thumb. You stood there, frozen at the sudden action, gazing softly at him.
“you had something there” he chuckled as you started to feel lightheaded again, your eyelids getting heavy.
“thanks” you said shortly, your gaze drifting down on the dirty floor beneath your feet, drifting in and out of consciousness.
Changbin didn’t say anything, catching you mere seconds after you collapsed on the grimy surface. Admiring your heavy eyes and puffy cheeks for a second before he himself disappeared into the abyss.
“One Moscow mule, please!”
An unfamiliar voice shouted through the blasting club music accompanied by what sounded like the shaking off a cocktail shaker. You groaned, your eyes fluttering open and being hit by the beams of a thousand light machines in all sorts of colors.
“Oh y/n!!” Jisung shouted on the other side of the bar, you found yourself sitting on a chair in the corner of the bar, on the same side as Changbin that was working diligently, mixing some concoction into a metal shaker. You rubbed your eyes, yawning and wondering how you could sleep sitting up. You heard Changbin set the metal cup down, telling something to the woman beside him, must be his co-worker you thought. He kneeled down next to the chair you were sitting on, looking up at you with curious eyes.
“how are you feeling?” he asked loudly, trying to overvoice the music.
“im good” you answered back just as loud, the two of you locking eyes. Changbin smiled at you with his tired face, glancing over the glasses that were located beneath the bar.
“you want something to drink?” Changbin said to which you nodded.
“give me anything” you said, messing with your hair and sighing. You felt tired, an urge to sleep despite the loud blaring music. Maybe it was more of an emotional fatigue. A lack of feeling. And that’s usually when you turn to the bottles. Changbin nodded, standing up and returning to his co-worker, starting to grab all kinds of pretty coloured alcohol.
“ay! y/n! come join us!” you heard Felix say, him standing with a glass in his hand, the other boys scattered around the club along with the other troubled individuals. You smiled widely, looking around and noticing the small exit gate connected to the bar. You patted Changbin on the back, him turning around with a grin before you exited through the gate, closing it after you and pushed through the crowd of people, making your way over to the boys.
“y/n, welcome to where you will feel alive” Jisung yelled, spreading his arms and nearly knocking someone in the hand.
It was truly living you thought. Every single way to escape reality was located here whether it would be alcohol, drugs or sex. People dancing and jumping, grinding and rubbing up against each other. In multiple booths there were people making out, touching in unknown places. Many looked outright high, moving as if their body was possessed by some dance god, not knowing how to control their limbs. You could have sworn you saw Seungmin putting a yellow pill in his mouth, smiling mischievously at someone you didn’t know.
So this was letting go.
“y/n! here!” you heard Changbin’s voice call behind you, turning around and seeing him putting a glass of clear liquid onto the stained wooden bar with coasters scattered all around, a couple lime wedges floating around with the ice in the glass.
“vodka tonic, giving you the strong ones” he said, grinning, to which you smiled back, understanding the hint to his personal life through his eyes. The glass was cold against your warm hand since you were in this stuffy environment filled with countless people and without any windows, only a ventilation system that led to nothing. You put the edge of the glass against your lips, taking a sip and swallowing harshly, feeling bitterness that tasted sweet because that’s what alcohol does when it’s consumed on a particularly bitter day. Or life.
The other boys were dancing, Chan mostly hanging around the edges of the nightclub and observing the nightlife. You made your way over to him, taking another sip in order to gain the courage to strike up a conversation.
“Sup? you feeling any better?” he asked before you had the chance to even open your mouth.
“better. why aren’t you enjoying yourself like the others?”
“i mean,,, i’m technically doing my job even though i’m not getting paid for it. i just like to be in charge i guess,,,” he said, getting more and more silent as he spoke. You nodded.
“i do work with stuff in real life as well” he added, to which you raised your eyebrows.
“what do you work with,,, if you don’t mind me asking!” you said, taking another sip of what tasted like Lucifer’s saliva.
“music producer! it’s tiresome but,,, i don’t really need sleep,,, or more like i can’t sleep. lucky there’s energy drinks and naps” he said with a giggle, his dimples displaying as he chuckled, leaning against the black walls of the nightclub.
“must be tough,,, but wait,,, i’ve never heard your music,,, and also shouldn’t you be the DJ then?” you said confused, swirling the liquid in your hand.
“but that’s the thing y/n, all these people, every single person you see in this room lives in another universe”
You gazed at him, Chan looking straight ahead towards the crowd.
“what do you mean by different universes?” you asked to which curly haired boy cocked his eyebrow.
“we will never coexist y/n, when i tell you that we’ve tried to bring our friendships to the real world i really mean it. we will never exist in your life outside of this hub and,,, it sucks.” Chan took a pause before speaking, pondering on what to say next.
“-thats what happened with a friend we had. i’m saying had because we don’t know where they are or what adventures await them. They just,,, disappeared” Chan said mellowly, you humming in response as you took a final sip of the devil’s juice, already feeling your face heating up.
“h-how does one get out of this place,,, forever i mean” you asked, leaning back against the same wall as Chan and looking right ahead as the song changed to a slower, almost psychedelic beat.
“when said person gets help,,, or starts to feel better or when you hit the casket, three options basically” he says with an acerbic smile. “what? Do you like Changbin?” Chan says teasingly. “you’ve been catching glances at him this entire conversation.”
He was right, you had been glancing over at Changbin occasionally, you couldn’t help it. Was it an excuse for you to look at his cute face from a distance or because you cared about him? You laughed it off but Chan turned serious.
“you know that’s it’s not possible.” he says quietly.
“what? what is not possible?”
“a relationship”
You choked on your own saliva, being blinded by the annoyingly bright strobe lights.
“a relat- ya! do you really think I have time for any of that? besides,,, i’m not really interested in Changbin.”
“who said only you should be interested?”
Your eyes widened when Chan said that. No way could Changbin have these weird feelings to you, the feeling shouldn’t be mutual.
“h-has Changbin said something about you?” you asked timidly, gazing over at Changbin that temporarily made eye contact across the club.
“why don’t you ask him yourself? but i’m telling you y/n,, don't get attached, you will get hurt,,, j-just like i did once”
Sure, you understood what Chan meant. Everyone was here for the time being. One day he could disappear if he decided that the life he was living now either isn’t worth it or he takes control and makes something out of it. There comes a time where you are too tired of living the way you do and so you do something about it, no matter if it’s good or bad.
Changbin waved his hand at you, wanting you to join him behind the bar where now Felix was standing and annoying Changbin by tickling him or whispering in his ear as he moved his body with much fluidity. You smiled, waving towards Chan shortly before you once again made your way through the crowd, feeling lightheaded but in a positive way, as if you really were forgetting reality for a moment.
“y/n!! come!!” Changbin yelled, bouncing slightly to the typical house beat that was now playing, barely holding the bottle of gin since Felix was pestering him playfully. Changbin’s co-worker opened the wooden gate for you, smiling sweetly at you and you doing the same back, your gaze drifting down until you notice the red marks around her throat. You were often scared by people. Not by their actions but by their way to cover them up and of course, you were guilty of this too. Looking at these people you would never guess the pain that was going on inside, the surface level happiness really is surface level. You could smile genuinely towards her, you didn’t have to understand everything she was going through but you knew how it was, smiling when bridges are burning in your mind.
Sometimes pretending hurts more.
“Changbin!” you squealed after you had passed by his co-worker, holding the empty glass that was now nothing more but half melted ice cubes and three wedges of bright green lime. Without thinking you put the glass down on his working station and pull him into a tight hug, squeezing your body against his and feeling the warmth radiate off of him. He froze awkwardly in your arms before loosening up, wrapping his arms around you and ultimately taking in your scent that was now mostly pungent with liquor and sleep, a soft scent that Changbin couldn’t get enough off. You felt safe which was rare in a nightclub especially knowing that most people were either high or carrying weapons. But there was something about him that made you feel like home. It felt familiar, like you’d visited his soul. As if the two of you were sharing the same empty house in your heart despite you never letting anyone in, too scared to be hurt again. Maybe you could let Changbin in, maybe he was different.
The hug lasted longer then you thought, his eyes darting all over the stuffy room before he slowly let go, taking a long inhale of the almost addictive smell. The two of you locked eyes, a shy red tinged his cheeks that was only visible due to there being a spotlight just above him.
“can i talk to you for a second?” you asked, rather boldy which was odd. He nodded and grabbed your wrist only to pull you in behind the same black door where you once ended up in, confused and dazed. He let go of you and closed the door behind him, you standing in the middle of the room that now had tiny light standing on the floor, nothing more new then the same old shelfs and black leather couch.
“what did you wanna talk about?,,, figured you maybe wanted to tell me somewhere more quiet”
‘Quiet’ was an overstatement, the music was making the walls shake and even though it was muffled the jumping of hundreds of people could still be heard in the small dark room where you were alone, with him.
“ehm,,, i don’t know really,,,” you stammered, not knowing what else to say.
“is something wrong y/n? Do you need to be alone for a while? i can le-”
“no, thank you,,, i just wanna be with you.” You interrupted him, his eyebrows furrowing when you uttered the last sentence. He stepped closer to you, the soles of his shoes making a pleasant sound against the floor. You lifted your gaze at him, Changbin standing right in front of you. Beauty that could make you drool. His hair was slightly messy, temples sweaty as he had worked and fetched all kinds of bottles for hours, the grey apron marking his title in the nightclub.
“but i’m here with you! Are you playing some sort of prank on me? did chan set this up?” he chuckled with a smirk, throwing a gaze at the door before diverting it back to your glossy eyes.
“n-no,,, Changbin, I want you”
His mind went blank and so did yours.
You don’t know why you said that but it was too late. The cat was out of the bag. It was too late.
“y/n? are you drunk?” he asked, looking at you seriously and putting the back of his hand against your forehead, suspecting you might be getting sick. You shook your head in response.
“no, it was only one drink, you know? i just,,, kinda,, want you”
You grabbed his hand that was still lingering on your forehead and drew it closer to your heart, holding firmly by his wrist. The clothed valleys of your breasts made contact with the rough palm of his hand, Changbin’s eyes still glued to yours. He scoffed loudly.
“and here i was,,, thinking it was some sort of unrequited love”
It felt like his hand turned into thorns, stinging your heart. So he wanted you too.
Changbin’s hand that rested on your boob snaked upwards, grabbing your jaw as he smiled at you briefly, tilting his head and slowly closing his eyes, attaching his rough lips on yours. Your eyes widened before they closed slowly, eyelashes fluttering in a flirty haze. This was how it felt to kiss someone you loved. It was as if a thousand fireworks ignited inside your beating heart, flying and exploding in an array of colors. A pure lightshow.
Your hands made their way to Changbin’s angular face, cupping his cheeks and feeling his sharp cheekbones against the palms of your hands. Your noses accidentally bumped into each other as your heads tilted from left to right, a sensual pace to the kiss to which the dark haired boy chuckled, adding some laughter to the otherwise grave situation that contained the sounds of two lips smooching each other. The music was only adding to the ambiance, Changbin’s hands wandering and exploring territory on your body that was foreign to him but very well-known to you. Your wet tongues danced around to a serenade, his kiss was strong, sure to leave an unforgettable impression on you. You would want him from now on and forever.
You moaned into the kiss as his hands rested on your ass, groping the flesh that was covered by your pyjamas-shorts. This made Changbin cock his eyebrow, pieces of his slicked back hair falling into his face as making him look like a charming 80′s prince. His fingers danced around the elastic band of your pants, fingers hooking and playfully tugging on the string, a silent plea for you to take them off. You smiled against his lips, saliva exchanging in a heavy and steamy kiss, your cheeks growing warmer by the second.
The two figures melted into one as Changbin pulled you closer to his body, feeling his cock poke through the coarse material of his jeans against your lower abdomen. Good to know that he was enjoying this as much as you were. Your hands descended downwards, traveling along his black tight t-shirt, the jean jacket from earlier being god knows where. The contour of his abs made you smirk, you knew what he was hiding beneath these clothes that you ravenously wanted to tear up. You palmed him through his pants, earning a hiss from the male that panted heavily into the kiss.
You broke the kiss, taking a moment to breathe as your lips were separated by a lonely string of saliva. You grabbed Changbin’s wrist, pushing him down on the leather couch as you straddled his lap, feeling his hard-on against your aching wet cunt. You wanted him so bad and here he was, in front of you for only you to devour. Changbin grabbed onto your hips, pinning them down against his cock and leaning forward to reattach his lips on yours, teeth accidentally clicking against each other moments before your sloppy hot tongues met, feeling his tongue against the soft surface of yours. The sound of lips meeting ringed through your ears, your hips grinding against Changbin’s crotch in a steady pace, feeling your neediness grow. Your hands ran along his abdomen, sneaking them up inside his shirt and tugging on the black material of his t-shirt, pulling it above his head. What was hiding underneath his clothes was more than a pleasant surprise. Your lips moved swiftly against his jawline, peppering kisses on his delicate neck as your hands teased the supple skin of his abdomen, feeling the outline of his muscles against your touch.
Changbin placed his hands near your stomach, pulling your oversized sleeping shirt over your head in the same fashion you did moments earlier. You gasped as the fabric danced over your now hardened nipples, freeing your tits. Of course you didn’t wear a bra when you were in the comfort of your own home but you didn’t think anyone would actually undress you, especially not Changbin. He hummed at the sight, cupping your tits in his hands that were covered in metal rings, feeling the coldness against your heated skin. You shuddered, the sensation shooting down to your dripping core. He kneaded them in his hands as you rubbed against his cock, his boner having a visible outline through his pants, you couldn’t help but to fiddle with his belt buckle, undoing it and hearing the clicking sound of the buckle hitting itself. Changbin pulled away from your swollen lips, tapping you on the thigh to step off in order for him to pull his pants down. You moved to the seat next to him on the couch, the leather sticking back as you laid down, lifting your hips up to remove your pyjama pants along with your panties that quickly hid underneath the fussy pants due to it’s rather interesting print, small teddy bears printed on the fabric. You kicked off your shoes, more like slippers that you wore indoors.
Changbin swiftly pulled down his jeans and black boxers in one motion, throwing them close to your pile of clothes at the base of the couch. Your eyes widened, mouth watering at the pure sight of his cock, a pretty bead of precum decorating his slit, contrasting with the crimson shiny tip. A big gulp descended down your esophagus, heat tinging your cheeks. He chuckled from seeing you stare at his member with shiny doe eyes that reflected in the small lamp on the floor.
“You seem,,, intrigued” he chuckled to which you giggled, not believing that you were really in this small room together with him.
“Y-yeah,,, maybe I am” you snarked, moving your gaze to his eyes and smiling. Only on your way upwards his well-sculpted body did you see the boy holding a small blue plastic item. You furrowed your eyebrows when Changbin opened the packet, retrieving a slightly slippery condom from inside.
“Do we even need that?” you laughed before continuing. “I mean if nothing gets transferred to the real world neither should pregnancies or STD’s”
Changbin tsked, rolling the condom onto his veiny cock, turning slightly away from you to avoid your intense eyes.
“Ask Chan, he would know” Changbin said, turning back to you and making his way over to the couch.
“N-no,,, no way.” You shook your head, your mouth agape as your eyes still danced over Changbin’s buff thighs.
“Yup, knocked up a girl” he said, suppressing a laugh. “And that’s why y/n, you never think with your dick”.
“Being completely honest,,, I expected more from Chan, he seems really,,, responsible” you remarked, Changbin hovering over you and placing a soft kiss on your lips, his hands on either side of your figure.
“He is but I think love is his weak spot or more like,,, lack of love. He often confuses love with either sex, money or fame,,, might I even say drugs.”
You simply nodded not knowing what more to add to the conversation, Changbin’s fingers tracing small circles around your nipples, sneaking them down between your legs where your cunt was aching after him. Anything, as long as it was him. His middle- and ring finger dipped into your heat, feeling the wetness between your folds causing you to hold on to Changbin’s sturdy shoulder. Without warning his fingers entered your dripping hole, fingers curling upwards and grazing your g-spot. You flinched, feeling his cold metal rings against your clit. The dark haired boy shushed, reassuring you that you were in safe hands and that he would make you feel good. Nothing else mattered besides you.
His fingers grazed your velvety walls, thrusting up into your cunt with just enough vigor to make you clutch to his bicep, the firm muscles making you swoon. You whined, spreading your legs even wider, your left leg hanging over the leather couch, sticking to your thigh as your body was heating up from arousal. The wet sounds of Changbin’s fingers playing with your cunt along with your soft whimpers were louder than the music outside, you pressing your head back onto the couch, rubbing your hair on the material. Changbin licked his plump lips upon seeing your face contorting into all kinds of lewd facial expressions, his cock needing to feel your warmth wrapped around it. The pad of his thumb played with your clit, laying it flat against the nub and teasing it in small circles causing tears to prickle in the corners of your shut eyes.
“a-are you alright y/n?” he whispered softly in your ear, kissing the shell of your ear. You nodded, your hands cupping your tits, pinching your hardened nipples, adding pleasure and heat to the burning in your core. Changbin pulled out his fingers, putting the slick covered digits in his mouth and watching you with hawk eyes as he lapped up your juices, humming in delight.
“fuck you taste so good angel” he stated, making you blush, covering your face with your hands. Changbin chuckled, tapping the tip of his dick against your swollen clit and aligning himself with your entrance. You moaned from the sensations, wrapping your legs around him to pull him in, you growing impatient the more he teased.
“p-please fuck me Changbin” you said uttered in a faint voice, barely audible due to the music. It was as if his eyes tinged with a dark color, full of lust. His eyes were hooded, looking down at you with half closed lids, sighing loudly with sexual frustration. He wanted to destroy you, make you his but he had to hold onto his composure. Holding you firmly by your hips he slowly pushed the tip of his cock inside you, grunting at the warmness that comforted him. You hissed, biting the inside of your cheek, your nose scrunching up at the feeling of being stretched out by his girthy length.
“can I go all the way? does it feel alright?” he asked. You answered with a small “yes”, more worried about the door being unlocked, anyone could burst through the door in seconds only to witness Changbin fucking you on the couch. That thought was quickly wiped from your mind as his cock stuffed into your cunt, your eyes rolling back into your skull as he slowly thrusts into you, using the hands on your hips as a way to guide him, nailing your cervix with each movement. The tips of his ears turned red, the silver chain around his neck reflecting on the dim light in the room as it rocked back and forward above you. You placed your hands around his wrists, looking boldly into his eyes with, a feeling brewing inside you that was hard to describe. It was titillation mixed with yearning. You knew you got him here. He was safe in your arms. You wanted to save him from everything bad in this world but how is that possible when you can’t even save yourself?
“c-changbin” you said in broken syllables, his thrusts only quickening. “changbin!” you repeated, shutting your eyes tightly, curling your toes in pleasure as a string of pretty moans melodically fell from your mouth along with his name. You couldn’t take it, his cock ramming into you in a both mindful and eager manner causing you to claw at his forearms, nails digging into the soft skin. Your tongues were once again caught in a kiss, the taste of your tongue being irresistible to the boy but not sure if it was your love that was drawing him in or the subtle taste of liquor from earlier. His lips felt parched against your, his tongue gliding on your bottom lip before kissing it, his saliva feeling hot in your mouth. The boy above you pulled away for a moment.
“you’re so pretty like this y/n,, fuck, i think i love you”
You gulped but your silence was soon cut off from Changbin slamming his hips against yours, his cock hitting your that specific spot that made you go crazy, the familiar feeling of your orgasm penting up inside you. You moaned with desperation, the lewd sounds bouncing off the dark colored walls. This was music for Changbin’s ears. His grunts accompanied by your whimpers and the squelching sound of your walls engulfing his dick so tightly, the sounds alone was heaven for him. With every move against your body you felt the well-acquainted smell of cigarettes that you could almost feel in your lungs, an addictive scent.
“i love you too, Changbin” you mumbled, slurring on your words from nervousness, feeling shy even though you were naked in front of him. He smiled, peering down at you as his hair fell from it’s perfect gelled state. You smiled softly at him, his cheeks slowly turning a red that matched his lips. Your moans turned to borderline screams, his cock twitching inside of you as he slowly got closer to his sweet release. Clenching around him, Changbin grabbed bent your legs towards you, gently rolling his head backwards as the pace got quicker.
“i’m g-gonna cum! don’t stop!” you yelped, your heart thumping at the speed of light, tiny sweat droplets forming on your forehead. Changbin reached so deep inside of you causing you to thrash around, fiercely trying to grip to the edges of the couch. The burning in your core got intense, it felt as if a thousand stars were falling at the same time, bursting with amativeness. The sudden feeling of warmth took over your body, a pleasant tingle surging. A breathy moan leaving you stunned, grabbing onto Changbin’s hands that were pushing your knees towards you. Just as your orgasm washed over you like a ton of bricks falling to the ground, your body jolted with the last couple of powerful thrusts, a loud gasp slipping from his lips. His girthy cock released it’s seed into the condom, his hot breath lingering near you.
He let go of your quivering legs, them flopping down on either side of him. Your chest heaved up and down as you breathed through your parted lips. Changbin pulled off, carefully removing the condom and discarding it somewhere on the floor. He snuggled close to you on the narrow couch, pressing his sweaty body against yours, taking a moment to catch his breath before speaking.
“So you love me too?” he chuckled. You turned to face him, looking deep into his dark brown eyes that looked pitch black in the dim light. After a loud exhale you answered him.
“No, I think I can’t live without you” you whispered, rubbing the tip of your nose against his. His stable breath tickled against your chin, your eyes slowly closing as Changbin was observing your features that he found insanely attractive. And it was even more attractive that you were his. But this couldn’t last.
“You know this is not possible y/n” he said with sadness in his voice as he gulped, his adams apple protruding. You knew it, the thing you dreamt of wasn’t possible since the two of you didn’t exist in each other's worlds.
“I feel fucking stupid” you said with closed eyes, sighing after your words. Changbin shook his head.
“Don’t give up that easily y/n, we can try”. He was right but what relationship was only visible in the darkness of a nightclub? Only a promiscuous one. Yet, you didn’t want to give up. Not matter what kind of relationship it was you wanted to be with him.
“So,,, what does that mean? That we are-”
“Dating, I guess” he added shortly, the corner of his lips lifting upwards. It sounded weird in your ears. Dating someone you had only met a couple of times but it felt right. This was where you belonged. In his arms, away from all your demons. He truly cared for you, not like the others. He was unlike those in your life that said that they cared but never wanted to know more than the surface level of your character. He wanted to know everything about you. Your hurt, your sorrows, your pain but also your happiness, your joy and your solace. He wanted to know you.
Your hands trailed up and down his upper arms, his skin feeling soft against your touch. The two of you cuddled like this for a while, Changbin running his hands along your hair, its smell reminding him of a green meadow of millions of flowers in all shapes, colors and sizes. He didn’t want to leave but if he wasn’t back in the bar the boys would start looking for him and the last thing he wanted was 7 boys teasing him for getting it on. You were more than a hookup. More than just a fling.
Changbin stood up, squinting his eyes in order to look for his clothes and finding them scattered all over the room. He pulled his underwear and jeans over his lower body before pulling his shirt over his top half, the black t-shirt sitting snugly around his muscles. He ran a hand through his dark hair, shaking his head before smirking at you. Such a tease.
“Do you have to leave?” you asked with a whiny voice, your arms felt empty once again. He nodded.
“i’m afraid so, don’t want them thinking I've been transported back without them knowing, they get worried but that’s only natural I guess.”
You nodded back, putting your cheek against the leather on the seat, your arm hanging straight down, the back of your hand limp against the floor.
“Get dressed if you want to have some more fun or you can chill here for a moment but I have to warn you, that door doesn’t have a lock” Changbin said, pointing at the only door in the room.
“i’ve already noticed that” you remarked, grabbing your panties and only after you’ve pulled them halfway up your thigh did you see Changbin smirking at you.
“You’re cuter than I thought” he said, pointing at your teddy bear panties with his chin, stepping closer to you. You looked away, biting your lip in embarrassment as you felt his hand on your hair, ruffling it sloppily.
“You’re making fun of me!” you said back with a pout, pulling your pyjama pants over your bottom.
“yeah, because you’re adorable” he said, placing a peck on your lips. You wanted more of him. He was simply addictive.
But not even this universe wanted to see you two together.
Your eyelids got heavier, your eyebrows furrowing at the familiar yet distant feeling. It felt unknown until you saw the small specks clouding up your vision once again.
“y/n? y/n, how are you?” Changbin said with worry, grabbing you by your shoulders and looking at your apathetic gaze. “N-no, y/n, don’t leave now”
You didn’t want to but you didn’t decide when you left.
You harshly held Changbin in your arms, putting your forehead against his shoulder, rubbing against it. Changbin slowly put his hands around you, patting your back as salty tears rolled down your warm cheek, putting wet stains on his shirt.
“shh,,, it’s ok y/n, are you feeling dizzy?” he asked carefully to which you nodded mellowly, your bottom lip quivering as the multicolored boxes of light flashed before your eyes. The room felt unstable, like your legs wouldn’t hold you much longer and they didn’t when you collapsed into Changbin’s arms, him holding you tightly to his chest as your knees buckled. Your voice was unstable, a silent cry pleading to be heard.
“I love you” you whispered in a frail voice. The ear-deafening music from outside was tuning out from your hearing, your words slurring at the end as you repeated yourself for the last time.
“I love y-you”
Changbin was left hugging air, his arms empty as he opened his sparkling eyes. He was close to tears because he was left there. Without you.
“HEY! WHERE IS- oh”
Jisung burst through the black door, the six other boys standing close behind him as they looked around the room, eventually catching eye contact with Changbin.
“She went home” Changbin said softly, letting his arms fall to the sides. Jisung inched closer to him, patting him on the shoulder where your tears were still left as a souvenir of your love.
“She’ll come back, don’t worry about it” Jisung said with a reassuring smile, leading Changbin to the door, out of the room that smelled like sex and tenderness.
“Euw,, what is this doing here? Does nobody know how to clean up?” Felix said pointing at the used condom on the floor. Changbin’s face went cold, stopping dead in his tracks.
“is it yours or something Changbin?” Hyunjin laughed, pushing the youngest, Jeongin, in a fit of laughter.
The room went quiet after Hyunjin’s cold laughter. It was pretty obvious.
“YOU FUCKED HER?” Jisung screamed in Changbin’s ear, making him flinch away and holding his ear in pain. The room filled with all sorts of teasing sounds, everything from “ooh~" to “AYE” in obnoxious voices.
“Luckily he used a condom!” Minho snarled, glancing over at Chan that was ready to beat Minho into pulp. Chan sighed, regretting that he didn’t shove the condom in Minho’s smirky face.
“No but seriously you guys, y/n is more than you think. It’s not just another person I fucked, she actually means something to me.”
Just when Changbin thought he had something special some of the boys started laughing even harder, ruffling his hair and poking his cheeks.
“yeah right,,, what? are you guys dating or something?” Seungmin asked, rolling his eyes.
“yes, i’m serious you guys! I love her,,,” he said with a frown, already missing your touch.
“What idiot gets into a relationship 3 months before they have to go to rehab?” Minho says, retrieving a cigarette from the red packaging in the pocket of his leather jacket.
Oh fuck.
Rehab.
When someone recovers from their pain is when you disappear from the club. You are no longer a lost soul. You are no longer lost within yourself. And that’s when you return to the real world, your real world.
Keeping secrets in a relationship was deceitful in Changbin’s eyes. If you belong to someone you should be as transparent as the liquor he poured into his ice cold glass every evening. He felt guilty. You poured your heart out for him, telling him everything that had hurt for so many years and here he was, pretending. He did that a lot, mainly because he was taught to be a reliable man. It wasn’t manly to feel.
Which is why he left his home at a young age. He didn’t care if he worked a minimum wage job and lived in a destitute area, he was content as long as he didn’t live with his parents. But when you live alone it’s not rare that isolation creeps up on you and strokes your cheek with a feather light touch, inviting you over to a dance with the demons that would soon cloud up your mind. Alcohol was Changbin’s comfort. It was the only one that didn’t fail to reassure him. It was as if the bottles spoke to him, promising him that a life intoxicated was better than the life he was currently living.
And he fell for it.
Every time.
He couldn’t take it anymore, he wanted to live a life that is actually worth living. Change comes from within but he needed help and he had only recently realized that he had a problem, that these toxic liquids were what’s keeping him from chasing the dream life. He didn’t dream of much, just the average life would be more than enough, with someone he loved.
But what was he supposed to do?
Take the step to recover or continue his addiction for the sake of being with you?
The demons whispered softly in his ears.
Life or Love?
Taglist ; @minholuvs @liz820 @skztrashbag @lix-freckle3
#stray kids smut#stray kids angst#changbin smut#changbin angst#skz smut#stray kids imagines#stray kids fanfic#skzsmut#skz fanfic#skz x y/n#skz x stay#skz x reader#skz x you#skz x female reader#stray kids x y/n#stray kids x reader#stray kids x stay#stray kids x female reader#seo changbin smut#seo changbin angst#changbin x y/n#changbin x female reader#changbin x you
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hey baby its ur fav anon here 🪩🪩🪩🪩🪩
MY EXAMS START ON FRIDAY AND I WANNA KMS
fuck chinese exams they are the worst!!!! i wanna cry!!!! yay!!!!
HI BAEEE 💙 ewwww exams literally why do they exist it’s grim :( YOU’LL DO AMAZING THOUGH just keep your notes organised and it’ll make it sm easier xx
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Omg I remembered being upset about Lucas story but I was also not paying that much attention because he (accidentally) misgenders Andy at the beginning and I was just like 🔪🔪🔪🔪 catch this hands, for a few chapters (which looking back maybe maybe I took it too personal because a few months later I had a gender crisis hahahshs gender is hard) , also I was romancing Andy, Ava and Stacy <3
oh ur valid. honestly i always forget that part happens because it was so?????? choices blease u dont have to introduce a character being trans by having a random accidental misgendering (that doesnt even make much sense cuz andy's been out for a long time, like, cmon). i dont hold it against lucas because i think he handled it well - he apologized and didnt do it again and didnt try to make excuses and he seemed genuinely sorry so its not like he was Evil, but also like ur valid fjdndidnd especially if it was sensitive for u at the time, u know? and i would have definitely understood if andy had been more upset at him, too
but it was hard to me not to relate to lucas as well because his plotline hits sooo hard to me. my parents arent crazy like his but i always felt the pressure to do everything and be Perfect and thats how i burnt out at 18 and got into a huge depression slump for a year lmao. plus hes latino so theres that. and hes just... such a cute and fun dork. also canonically bi! thats hard to come by, esp in choices where they seem to think having ur LI even look at someone not ur MC's gender is a crime or some shit. anne ways
but even if i didnt like lucas i just cant let that plotline go, as an educator. like holy shit, what happened to him was awful and it was the school's (and his family's) fault, not his. the whole book treats it like lucas has done some terrible immoral thing but what he was doing is no different from self harm. it was making him anxious, affecting his health, his sleep, his wellbeing, and he was doing it because the circumstances made him feel like he had to to be able to perform. and somehow hes the bad guy who needs to Repent for this awful mistake?????
like this is such an awful victim blaming plotline and its such bullshit and its all so no one will question such an awful school system that literally pushes children beyond their limit until they break and puts academic performance and competition above all else. like as a teacher if i found out a single one of my students was taking focus pills to keep up with the pressure i would cry my eyes out, then fucking raise hell with administration until we got them the support they needed AND rethought the curriculum organization so the pressure would be lower and it didnt happen again. one student sacrificing their health for school is one too many
like when i got to that part i just started crying immediately because GOD id fucking kms if i found out i or the organization i work for was doing this to our students. and i fully expected mr cooper to get him help?????? like especially with his whole speech about the shaky hands and trouble sleeping, i was like Obviously this kid is a victim of the meat grinding capitalist school system and as an educator mr cooper will want to get him psychological help. INSTEAD he was like lucas I will get you expelled and call tje lolcueBDHDBDUDBD CALLING THE POLICE ON A BROWN STUDENT BECAUSE HE WAS SELF MEDICATING ARE YOU KIDDING ME. and then i expected choices to have us be like "lucas im so sorry this happened to you" but instead all the options were super judgy and clearly taking "lucas is in the wrong" as the premise of it all I WANTED TO DIE
and its suuch a dangerous message to send ppl like u r literally naturalizing victim blaming with that shit and it's all so no one questions why the school system is making literal KIDS burn out in high school anyway. and we could have had such an amazing plotline discussing how this is a systemic issue in a society that puts ppl at constant competition with each other and is demanding more and more productivity until everyone's mental health breaks. and we could even have a discussion about how racism plays into this and how as a brown student lucas knew he had to be perfect and have a spotless record and be the best out of everyone to get a shot at an academic life and couldn't afford to have a single spot in his record (much less a drug-related one as a latino) because he knew thatd be the end for him. instead we got............... victim blaming. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Im okay. im okay. im fine. i am FINE
anyway
but also ur valid <3 i like stacy but i was never interested in her as a LI, like her interactions with MC felt kinda bland to me? like not romantically appealing, idk. i think at least part of that is because i played with a male MC so his interactions with stacy just felt like.... idk bland heterosexuality? i definitely cared for her and wanted to help her but i couldnt ship her with MC, so yeah, it was andy ava and lucas for me didnfif
#it lives#it lives in the woods#ilitw#lucas thomas#sidenote why is his last name thomas what kind of latino has thomas as a last name#anti stacy green#its not anti her but u know#misgendering tw#drugs tw#cops tw#self harm tw#just to be sure#racism tw
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my life literally turned upside down in the last 2 days, dont if anyone will care enough to read this but i dont have anything better to do so storytime ! ok friday my parents saw my cuts so they questioned me about obviously asked what they could do the usual i had already had a fucking shit day so that was just lovely. later that night my sister went to my room to talk to me abt i was more honest with her than with my parents and she just cried a lot and i did too. i think knowing that someone you love is crying bc of you is definitely one of the worst feelings in the world. i felt so terrible. and it hurts so bc theres i can do abt it. i can't stop this unless i kms and if i kms i will hurt them too. i also gave her the scissors that i use to cut. ok so theres more its past midnight here so yesterday (saturday) was my birthday. see i always hate my birthdays. ever since I've been depressed i guess. i just hate it i could go on and on abt reasons why but that would take too long. anyways its my birthday the before i went to bed late cuz i was listering to pure heroine by lorde and crying (typical growing up ritual) so i woke up late at like 1 pm and loved that bc i had already missed half of that cursed day. ok. then i was talking to my grandma and she saw my scars and she cried. and made me promise i wouldn't do it again. and i did. i felt like a fucking monster. i made my grandma cry. what kinda person does that? so my head was already fucking spinning. and then it happened. i had avoided talking to my friends who were sending messages wishing me happy birthday so i decided to check some out. and my friends made this really awsome thing for me for my birthday. and for some reason i just started bawling my eyes out. like so much. i went to hug my mom and i couldn't stop crying. a full on breakdown. i spent a long time like that and then my parents gave me medicine and i calmed down. the rest of day was actually really cool. but i have like a bunch of friends who made this huge gesture for me and got no response at all. i did send one of them a text explaining what happened but still. it was so amazing what they did really. but it made everything bottling up in the last few days explode. they were so cute and i had a fucking breakdown over it. i am the worst person ever. why the fuck am i like this ok i know for sure no ones gonna read all of this but i needed tk get it out. anyways im getting sleepy so gonna go sleep now. bye
#depressing#depression#self deprecation#birthday#cutting#self harm#self injury#anxiety#sadnees#sad boy#sad#i hate being like this#i hate myself#i hate myself so much#bye
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History3: Make Our Days Count Ep. 7 Review
YALL DONT KNOW HOW EXCITED I AM THIS IS MY FAV BL SO FAR AND UGH SDOIHFSODNFSD IM SO NERVOUS BUT EXCITED SO LETS GET IT
Omg y’all already know I’m not the biggest of this couple but hey they are GETTING THAT SHIT
LIKE LITERALLY GETTING IT WTF
Aodmdjsks back to my babies
THEY ARE SO CUTE IM GOING TO CRY
Xigu being in love with the scenery is so cute
OMFG GUYS ITS A DATE YOU CANT VHANGE MY MIND OMFG
I’m in love with them wtf my heart 🥰🥰🥰
HT is feeding him ugh I can’t already
XG opening up to HT makes me so happy because that means XG trusts him and that’s truly beautiful
HT’s face got me emotional
The hand grabbing ugh and HT always comforting XG Omfg I cannot handle
They’re stargazing guys IMMA CRY FR
Usbdjekskakaksksj XG IS SMILING
HE WANTS TO STUDY STARS AND OMFG THE LIGHTS ARE IN A HEART AND HT IS HOLDING ON TO XG CAN THEY GET ANY CUTER
OSMDHAKSJJSIDIFJDJDJDHRHDJDJDHDHDIJE THEY ARE KISSING LIKE XG ACTUALLY KISSED BACK A BIT OMFHSHSHBFBDDJ DJJEKS SI NEED MY ENHHALER I CANT BREATHE
Omfg the boy squad making a ceremony of HT coming back had me ded asf
“We are all your boyfriends” lmaoooooo
I love the boy squad and that’s all I need to say lmao
XG found them lmao
I love how they are all looking at him
JSUHDJSJA XG IS SO CUTE
Omfg they are basically dating and y’all can’t convince me I love how XG acted around them
I love how XG lets HT pull him around lol
Omfg once XG fully accepts it it’s over for all of us
Y’all HT’s voice got me fucked up
owahshsjsjjs WOAHDBJSJSD XG KISSED HIM AND THEY ARE KISSING AND ITS BEAUTIFUL WOW IM AMAZED AND I LOVE IT ITS IM SPEECHLESS
I CANT THINK
I know someone’s going to walk in fuck
OH SHIT
Omfg ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN NOOOOO
HT always protecting him always omfg skjsfhhd
IMMA FINNA FIGHT
Omfg I can already tell XG feels like a burden again NOOOOOOOO IM GONNA KMS STOP MAKING HIS LIFE WORSE
FuUCK
I’m gonna cry but sad tears
HOW CAN THEY DO THAT TO ME AND THEN BRING US TO THE COUPLE THAT CAN BE AS THEYD LIKE Frick
Maybe it’s because they knew I would need to process this shit
Ugh I need this brother-sister moment to be good
Omg it’s not your fault HT :(((((
NOOOO DONT CRY
OMFG ITS OKAY DONT CRY YOU DID WHAT YOU COULD HT
NOW THE SISTER IS CRYING AND HES CRYING FUCK NOW IM cRYING
omg the mom is watching I hope this makes her become accepting
I can’t handle happy right now 😡😡🥺🥺
Omfg I can’t handle this cousin lmaooo
NOW GET ME BACK TO MY BABIES BEING HAPPY
Lowkey needed that laughter 😔
That was sweet of his sister to give XG that :)
Common mom just tell him it’s okay and let’s get this angst over with
OH MY GOD hES GONNA GO SEE XG
Oh wait never mind lol oof
Did he give him a phone ???? Is that why he’s waiting?
Awww XG’s reaction to the chocolate
Oh he did give him a phone 👀👀
SAY SOMETHING GODDAMN IT
WHY ISNT HE SAYING ANYTHING
NOW HES CRYING
MY HEART IS CRYING
SAY SOMETHING GODDAMN IT WHY DIDNT HE SAY SOMETHING
NOW THEYRE BOTH GONNA BE CRYING
oh shit what’s gonna happen at school I just realized that
Ope and we’re back to couple #2
He would know what parents would want lmao old ass (JK IM PLAYING DONT FIGHT ME)
No joke Bo acts like a child and sometimes the other guy talks to him/treats him like a child which is why I think this couple bothers me - maybe if they were both at the same maturity it wouldn’t feel as weird
KAJJAHDJSSIOSIDJDJS XG IS HERE WHAT
oh. He’s here to see his parents
ISJSJDJSJS WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN
I CANT BREATHE
The mom being a G
WOAH SHSUAKAKA WOAH HE REALLY SAID THAT (he said “I hope you can let me and HT be together”)
Imma beat this dad’s ass
“I won’t give up” XG FIGHTING FOR LOCEBIS WHAT I NEED UGH
BRO I CANNOT
the mom is really the best - at least trying her best
IT CANT END LIKE THAT WHAT I NEED MORE
#history3: make our days count#history3: modc#make our days count: review#bluescarletdiamond reviews#modc#make our days count
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What are some of your favorite bands? Maybe a good 10 or 15 if you need a number, or maybe some song recommendations? I need some stuff to get into and my taste's been pretty flat for a while and I'm looking for some better stuff! Thank you!!
OKAY AWESOME- I will not rank them bc my brain doesn’t do that. I jump every like 15 mins on what my favorite is SO HERES A NICE LIST OF BANDS WITH SOME SONGS!!! Links as well to youtube/SC bc I love u and want to make it easier afdsgfd I’m listing bands that are “easier” to listen to ig because I don’t know your entire taste. I will, however, pull you into my side of screaming through conditioning and have listed a few to see if you’re chill with it. Bolded is the TLDR version with links if you need it and I speak way too much!
1. The Faint Endless, while currently only on soundcloud, they are coming to spotify soon!! My favorite song of theirs is Celestial Revenge, which happens to have a music video!! I also like We Were Once Invincible and Requiem but G*D I LOVE ALL OF THEM They are… such a fucking inspiration to me and the music I want to make in the future. I try to make everyone listen to them so tbh if you wanna know me listen to them they fuck
(The rest of these you can find on spotify btw)
2. I am going to assume if you follow me you listen to My Chemical Romance, BUT if you don’t here’s some song recs that have different feels they will give you: House of Wolves, Vampire Money, You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison, Demolition Lovers, and Boy Divison but this list could go on for hours…. There’s so much to list and I couldn’t stop…..It’s for you to find and for you to feel.
3. The Used is super high up on my list! Shame they’re not as popular on here like MCR, like y’all missed 2004 (me too I wasn’t even split then but shhhhhhhhhh i know my history). Really depends on the mood you’re in because they’re either bangers or Sucidical Moments tbh so fair warning. Really got into them when life was super shitty, but they have a lot that aren’t always imma kms. If you’re up for loud shit there is The Back of Your Mouth which I’ve been blasting for a week. Choke Me is good if you wanna hear someone scream “fuck my ass” over and over while you feel dead inside lmao. If you want something more themed for this blog there’s Wake The Dead, although I feel like the mid part ruins it tbh. I want to cover it so I can make it go hard the entire time. I’d recommend the full album Lies For The Liers to get started.
4. If you like Vocaloid and want it in English and like horror then check out GHOST, or Ghost and Pals on spotify. Some of my favorites are Those Who Carried On, Honey I’m Home, and Entomologists, but there’s so much more that is amazingly themed.
5. Red Vox is also really good, but I’d recommend staying away from their album Vomit in the Ballpit because it’s just gross-out humor and I’m not into that. For my oc Franklin I think his voice would sound like Vin’s. They’re releasing a new album soon which I’m excited for, and they released one song early which is Why Can’t This Be Easy. Other songs I really enjoy are: Kerosene (I recommend the album of that same name too def one I use to calm down some nights), Memories Lie, Hazy, and Stranded (if you’re down for a 9 min space themed/star trek downer). I really enjoy their music and it’s another inspiration to me even if the music is a lot more chill. Their music has really calmed me down some nights and I’m thankful.
6. Will Wood and the Tapeworms is good if you just wanna go “oh my god I’m so mentally ill. I am going to break something. Fuck, I can’t remember 2012” Maybe that’s just me though- Anyways, Hand Me My Shovel, I’m Going In! is a banger and good for this blog, and the mv is a mess so its perfect, and absolutely what my mind looks like. Also Dr. Sunshine Is Dead is for this blog. Actually the entire album. Honestly, just listen to the entire album Self-Ish. It’s not great if you’re feeling bad bc its gunna have you screamin’ “I WANT MY MURDER TO LOOK LIKE A SUICIDE” but it’s so good, dude. I’m obsessed. You gotta listen to it in order to get the full effect. Highly recommended if you’re okay enough to do it.
7. Mother Mother, aka mentally ill central, babie. They are an experience. Vauagely horny, drugged up and craving death or something worse? It’s all there! Calm Me Down is blatantly horny, but a jam and an experience, which I recommend the entire album it came off of as a starting place. The Cry Forum is really good, but I always forget the ending has a poem in german. Back To Life is amazing too and I really vibe with it.
8. Bayside is another really good band and amazing and cheaper fuck you Ticketmaster to see live. Some dick groped me in the pit and a punk punched the shit out of him and protected me the rest of the night and made sure my short ass could still see. The girl I went with got a drum stick handed to her. They’re amazing. Feeling shitty, ex-relationship problems and some Christian guilt mixed in! I highly recommend their latest album, Interrobang. Numb and Prayers are good on that. I feel like I have to recommend Sick Sick Sick and Devotion and Desiresince I’m pretty sure it’s their biggest songs.
9. The Vincent Black Shadow! I don’t even know how I found them tbh. Stupid Intruders is something I blast a lot. Metro is relatable, unfortunately. The House of Tasteful Men is very 👌 I die. They need more recognition…..
10. Halestorm! Female led metalish rock is very good. Very Vent-y songs for me, but very good and sexy. I Miss The Misery is very popular for good reason/ You Call Me A Bitch Like It’s A Bad Thing, Freak Like Me and Killing Ourselves To Live are definitely my favorites. Also a big inspo to me as someone with a feminine voice/presenting that wants to sing!
I’m kinda foggy right now so ten is my max! Hope you enjoy
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Young Justice S4
Okay, I am freaking out!
Why do I have these horrible angsty ideas? Idk. I am scared.
Okay, here me out
Young Justice Season 4
Im crying already.
Okay WHEN (notice I emphasised on the word WHEN, its because it WILL happen)
WHEN Wally comes back, I JUST HAVE THIS HORRIBLE, UNHOLY feeling that something bad is going to happen to DICK!
Like fuck!
I DON”T KNOW WHY I EVEN THINK OF THIS CRAP
But like imagine
Wally comes back, from wherever he was, looks like he should be the right age in the timeline, Artemis is crying. They kiss and all that mushy gushy stuff, everyone is like speechless and then we get a one on one face reaction from Dick and it’s.... it is so great
But then like when Dick and Wally reunite and have a fucking AMAZING MOMENT
This BITCH ASS Grayson gets WRECKED
Either killed, severely hurt, both
Or maybe nothing happens at all. Maybe the happily ever after does come and we all laugh and cry.
But DAMMIT if this happens I will Fucking KMS
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101 reasons why im not going to eat for 20 days:
1. I am fat. I am just so fat and ugly.
2. when im skinny I will be able to wear WHATEVER I want
3. I cant leave my bed when I am this fat, I will finally be able to go out and enjoy myself in the summer.
4. my birthday is coming up and if im not skinnier than I was last year then im going to kms
5. finally people will be able to lift me up without me weighing a tonne
6. I will have more defined cheek bones
7. I will be able to walk in front of people without them looking at me and thinking how fat I am
8. I will look like I don't eat
9. everything will be okay when im happy
10. I cant be fat and happy, that dosent exists
11. I will look so good in mini skirts and little dresses
12. people wont be calling me ‘healthy’ looking
13. I will look scarily skinny if I don't eat
14. eating only makes me sad so why the fuck would I ever eat?
15. ill drop so much weight so fat, and everyone will wonder how I done it so fkn well
16. I wont feel ugly under my skin
17. it will motivate me to go longer without eating
18. I will be happy
19. I will be able to leave my bed and go into school everyday without having to worry about how fat I look
20. people will think I finally look skinny, I wont be the fat girl anymore
21. my vison will be blurry when I stand and I will be faint all the time, I love that feeling
22. I will always be weak and have no energy, I love feeling like this coz it means im doing something right
23. I will finally be HUNGRY. im never hungry now coz I always eat like a fat pig, hunger is a sign of success.
24. I will finally be at my first goal weight
25. my goal for my birthday is 45kg
26. I wont be sad
27. I will be closer to looking like my thinspo
28. I will be able to wear a bikini
29. I will have a much bigger thigh gap
30. my stomach wont look all fat and disgusting
31. my thighs wont look fat when I sit down (and they wont look fat when I stand either but yh)
32. all my clothes will be baggy on me
33. I will feel motivated to loose more weight
34. my fingers will be boney and slim
35. I will be able to wear rings on my slim fingers without them looking like fucking sausages
36. my arms will be boney and skinny
37. you will finally be able to see my rib cage
38. collar bones showing
39. hips bones showing
40. I will have a teeny tiny stomach and waist
41. I wont be the chunk friend anymore
42. I will be the skinniest out of all of my friends
43. I will feel confident and beautiful
44. everything about me will be small
45. my face will be more defined, no more double chin !
46. I will look skinny in everything I wear
47. at the end of the day I will still look skinny
48. I wont be a sweaty pig anymore
49. I wont feel fat hanging off me
50. I will be able to stick my hand through my thighs without it touching them
51. I will look like a model
52. everything about me will be perfect, I need perfection !
53. I will feel so cleansed and fresh after the fast
54. april is a binge free month so im going to really be sticking to this diet
55. if other people can do it, then why the fuck cant I?
56. I want to be the best at not eating, I want to win
57. I don't want to feel like a beached whale
58. I will be able to wear baggy clothes and oversized jumpers without it making me look even bigger, it will look cuuute
59. I wont have the urge to binge anymore
60. it will just make me more and more determined to get to my goal
61. I will finally reach my first goal weight maybe even better it if I do 20 days with no food and I will finally be out of this binge purge cycle that im In
62. I will be able to wear all the cute dresses I brought for summer
63. I will be able to wear crop tops and bralettes without my fat body hanging out
64. I wont want to die anymore
65. I wont cry myself to sleep at night
66. I wont feel uncomfortable in my own body
67. I wont feel trapped
68. I will be able to go out everday in my summer holidays and be enjoy myself, whereas if I eat I will spend every day crying in my bed about how fat I am and nothing will get solved
69. PROM PROM PROM PROM PROM PROM !!!!!! I need to be 40kg for fucking prom
70. im just going to end up ODing if I don't get to my goal weight coz this just sint fun anymore
71. I will be able to wear the cute jackets I brought myself
72. starvation is success
73. I wont look fat in pictures
74. I want to be a model, I cant be a model if I look like this
75. beauty might take pain but im strong and I have determination. I will get what I want and I wont let anything stop me
76. im not going to let fat beat me. im going to beat obesity.
77. if not now then when?
78. if I don't stop eating now, im just going to keep piling on the pounds and its only going to make it harder and harder for me to get to my goal weight.
79. its so close to summer now, I need to loose the weight before it gets too late
80. im so fucking sad being like this, living inside this fat body just feels so fucking painful and id rather be dead. but if I do something about it then I wont have to feel like this.
81. I will be able to fit into size 0
82. I wont be able to grab all my fat into my hands, it wont exist coz ill be skin and bone
83. no body likes me when I look like this. I look like a oaf, chunky lumpy and fucking huge
84. I want to be able to wear skimpy clothes and not have to cover myself up in trackies forever
85. if I don't fix the problem now, then its never going to get fixed
86. im scared if I don't get really skinny really soon then ana might leave me and if she does I wont have the motivation to loose weight quick enough
87. I will be the thinspo, instead of the fat girl looking it
88. I wont have to keep doing this, crying myself in my room on my own coz im too fat to go out and be seen by anyone
89. no more bloating
90. I have wanted to be skinny for my whole life, but iv only wanted that calorie packed food for 5 mins. so why eat it?
91. I will be able to wear leggings and anything fitted without it making my body looking fat and ugly
92. skinny girls are pretty
93. I will be able to fit my hands round my legs and arms
94. I will feel amazing in my new body
95. when I see people who I haven't seen in a while they will be so shocked at how much weight iv lost
96. the satisfaction of getting on the scales and seeing how much weight iv lost
97. I will be the best ana if I can fast for 20 days
98. it will be my longest fast yet and I will feel so proud
99. each pound that goes down is my happiness going up
100. I don't want anything more for myself that to be skinny
101. EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECT IF I HAVE CONTROL AND BE STRONG - RESIST OR REGRET
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