my favorite thing to do you ask? reading the updates while completely ignoring the fact that the fic is ending soon 🧍🏾‍♀️

My current mood trying to finish liab:

08 18 2023

endings take forever sometimes.

i used to think of ending as one event. it happens and then its over. the end of a movie, the last minute before credits roll. the end of a relationship, the goodbye before never seeing each other again. the end of a life, the last breath before organs fail.

what i've learned recently is that endings creep up a long, long time before they make their move.

i've experienced several recently, what with me moving away from everything i've built here in the past 19 years. it seems to be a theme in my life right now.

i had my last session with Olivia, my favorite person, my therapist, yesterday. i needed some time to process it (and also sleep for like 11 hours) before i could journal about it. i still havent cried, but i want to so, so badly.

i think part of the issue is that i have already cried about it, i grieved it before it even happened. i felt it coming months before it did. and i cried believing everything was over. and i had to sit and wait for it to finally end, knowing that it was happening, and it was torturous.

i regret not preparing for the session more, though. there's so many things i wish i could've told her. sentiments like "you're so fucking good at your job and i want you to know that" and "you were the best thing that happened to me when i was sitting with the worst" and "i love you".

i had so many questions i wish i could've had time to ask her, about how she sees me, how she thinks i improved, what she hopes i work on in the future, whether or not she enjoyed working with me, whether or not she'll miss me.

and most of all i wanted to apologize. i just feel so much guilt and i have to carry it with me without getting to resolve it now. i did hurt her, i mean, i have BPD and i didn't hold anything back. i would manipulate situations to get desired outcomes, i would play games with her, say things so she would react how i wanted her to.

sure, its her job as my therapist to take it and not take it personally and turn it into a way to help me, but still, we had a relationship— a professional one albeit— but shit can still hurt. she has feelings.

she said i could email her once in a while, if something big happens in my life that i want to celebrate with her. so, at least she won't be completely dead to me.

i want to finish the therapy fic i was writing based on her so i can send it to her.

on another note, i also attended IFS therapy yesterday too, which is why i was so exhausted. it was my first time trying to communicate with my parts, and it was a really new experience. i found it immensely interesting though!

i predict its going to be difficult though. i as my self, dont trust this therapist fully yet so i know that there's going to be a lot of resistance from protectors. what am i saying? there already has been.

i discovered 3 parts today, i dont think im ready to talk about all of them here but one of them is a dissociating part that is essentially gatekeeping me from accessing anything, and refuses to step away once it shows up or explain its reasoning in any way.

its gonna be really challenging to work with it, since its entire job is to stop me from talking to other parts, and also since it wont talk to me, and also since ive spent all of my time pushing it away/exiling it (especially in therapy) because i fucking hate dissociating.

i hate endings but im going to have to end this now anyway. at least you've been prepared at least 5 paragraphs since. im still deciding.

- andrew

not to be wound posting but like. my brain is fucked over that. like, obi-wan not knowing anakin is still alive and yet feeling him everywhere and in everything and knowing that the feeling will never go away because there’s a hole where his heart used to be and he’s a walking cleft split down the middle like a log under axe and he’s not a jedi nor a man but a wound that will never heal because the only one capable of knitting him back together is the one who’s done the ripping in the first place and it’s just ????????????? the way he must have been surprised and yet not surprised at all over anakin still being there because if obi-wan is, so must anakin be. if anakin were no more, obi-wan shouldn’t feel like there’s half of him missing, should he. there would be no chance of getting it back, after all. but anakin is, and obi-wan is nothing but the ache for what they’ve been once, and the need to do as anakin would have, back then, when they were one and nothing was to part them. bc he can still FEEL him, can’t he. all the time, everywhere, like an itch he will never admit to being glad he’s feeling, an itch the torture of never getting to scratch part of him will gladly accept if it means somewhere, his anakin still exists, and his hands have yet the chance to go back to the beginning and make it right, on some level, in some way, in any way, by the children in another life he would have helped raise as if his own, because losing him was worse than any torture, and the sliver of a hope of getting him back is even worse than that? obi-wan being a wound before anakin=vader for what happened then, and obi-wan being even more so after anakin=vader for the hurt it causes to know he’s still there, a stab to flesh for every thought of him as he is now and as he was then, and every thought of the fact that there might be something, however faint and unreasonable and stupid and slight the possibility, you can do to get him back. i am what you made me also meaning i will become what you create. i am yours to form as you are mine. obi-wans only savior being anakin, where anakins only savior was ever obi-wan. infinity signs, ouroboros, two halves of the same whole. so like. im dying etc and so on and so forth thanks for making that happen

ive read this about 4 times and there's parts i don't really understand or agree with skfjgns but the sentiment i share!! they are absolutely still very much two halves of the same whole and still orbit each other's mind if they can't their physical bodies.

i dont think obi-wan even suspected anakin was alive. he looked genuinely surprised to me. of course he always hoped to see him again, but he certainly didnt think it would actually happen. tho i agree that he would give anything and would suffer anything if it meant some version of anakin was still out there somewhere. when reva told him anakin as alive, istg i saw him smile. it was a microexpression bc ewan mcgregor is a master at those but it was there! he must have immediately made the connection with darth vader, but he was still glad that anakin still existed in some way! and of course the first (and stupidest) thing he does with the force in 10 years is reaching out to him sdkfsddfgj

Limbo (Bakugo Katsuki x Fem!Reader)

Pairing: bakugo katsuki x female reader warnings: heavy angst, eventual tiny bit of fluff at the end

omf this request is so nice i feel so bad that my writing is literally garbage in this, but thank you sm for requesting this!! <3 and im so sorry if i didn’t do your request justice (i legit hate my writing here :’))

To say the state of your relationship was unbearable would be the euphemism of the century.

Your thoughts often ran amuck, always hopelessly crawling back to that one despaired curiosity; wondering if he shared the same sentiment about your wishy-washy “friends” status as you did. He probably didn’t. That’s the seemingly unshakable brick wall that would inevitably dead-end your lovesick daydreams, each and every time. Though when his roughed-up hands linger on your skin a millisecond too long, when his steeled stare melts, hard rubies morphing into blazing lava pits, threatening to mar your very heart and soul with their scorching intensity –you’re not exactly certain you’d mind that– that’s when a flicker of something ignites within you. Hope, longing, doubt. Whatever it is, it terrifies you. Because you’re agonizingly aware of what that entails. He’s got you hook, line and sinker, but torturously he refuses to do anything with that. Almost like pulling someone in for a hug then abruptly and without explanation stopping midway, he keeps you at arm’s length. Not too far, not too close. And how that cycle destroyed you.

Katsuki was the type to jump into action and ask questions later. Except a lot of the times when these questions pertain to his own emotions, he didn’t even try to answer them, opting to shove them to the corners of his psyche, collecting dust, steadily accumulating until they become too much to ignore and he (sometimes quite literally) explodes. It’s a vicious loop that he could never break away from, he’d even come to find a sordid comfort in it. His coping mechanism was by no means healthy, far from it, but he’d grown familiar to the toxicity.

Katsuki couldn’t make heads nor tails of his feelings for you. Whenever he impulsively threw himself into the lion’s den that was your affection, caught in the moment, in the glimmer of genuine adoration in your eyes, he never came back the same. A piece of his heart would irreversibly split off and reside in the palm of your hand, he was scared that nothing would be left of it, that he wouldn’t be able to regain his bearings until it was too late. You so effortlessly juggled with his feelings, all with a single smile, it scared him that you had so much power over the fluttery sensation in his chest and yet, in the moment, it felt good. It felt so good to indulge in whatever fucky feeling was messing with his head, to let you hold him in the depths of obscurity with all prying eyes shut and what little words exchanged hushed. It felt so alleviating to feel skin on his own (for once not in battle), gentle, comforting but not coddling. It was unspoken between you that you were both more than friends. You knew it, he knew it. Neither of you ever mentioned it. What neither of you knew, however, was how far the other’s feelings ran.

But as high as your silent love made him feel, he crashed back down into the concrete when he was left to his own devices. Without your intoxicating scent, distracting touches fogging his rationality, Katsuki had all the time in the world to overthink. And overthink he did. His pride picked apart the delicate flowering in his heart, ripping it petal by petal until nothing was left but a garden of beautifully withered leaves, a condemnation to what he considered a weakness.

Katsuki was a taker by every sense of the word. Basking in your wispy adoration, only to brush you aside in favor of focusing on academics once he’d had his fill of your love. It was sickening.

Maybe it was the fact that you hadn’t outright confessed to him, maybe that’s what soothed the overbearing guilt that crawled up his throat whenever he saw that dejected face of yours, the one you made because of him. If your feelings for him ran deep, surely you would have said something by now, at least that’s what he thought. Or more precisely, that’s the excuse his mind conjured up in hopes of easing his conscious, trying to convince himself that self that yes, he was hurting you, but at least he wasn’t hurting you that bad. He was infinitely aware that this doesn’t put him in any sort of moral high ground, nor does it justify his actions, but, again, it was a last-ditch effort to relieve his anguish if just by a little bit, even if he knew that excuse was bullshit.    

Surely he knew, there’s no way in hell someone as hawk-eyed as him didn’t notice the tyranny he held over the porcelain pitter-pattering of your heart, didn’t notice the fleeting, love-filled glances you sent his way. This was getting ridiculous, you were starting to believe he was taking some twisted sense of pleasure from your heartache, but he wouldn’t do that, right? He didn’t derive some sick kick out of having you indefinitely under his thumb, at his beck and call… right? A few months ago, you would have answered those uncertainties with a resounding “No!” defending his cruel behavior till the bitter end. But now…

Now you weren’t so sure.

And yet you still found yourself in his dorm, on his bed. It was supposed to be another study gathering, but one thing was glaringly missing. Y’know… the gathering. Kirishima was out training and he hadn’t bothered to invite the rest of his brain-dead, self-proclaimed squad. And that’s how you found yourself alone. With your best friend and secret crush. Just dandy.

Your hands were restless. Pulling at the seams of his blanket, cracking your own fingers, picking up your pencil for a brief moment of concentration, answering one or two questions only to drop it back on the mattress again and fidget some more. Katsuki wasn’t fucking blind, and your unease was ticking him off. Though he surprisingly hadn’t said a thing about it just yet, he was clearly nearing his wit’s end. His silence didn’t prevail for much longer, the meek sigh and not so subtle glance you chanced his way being his tipping point.

“What.” It came out as a statement, a demand rather than a question. What was he demanding? He hadn’t thought of that yet, his temperamental limbs already taking the wheel and pressing on the gas without a destination in mind, just being short fused for the sake of it. Was it even his place to be making demands in this situation? Katsuki knew the answer to this one like the back of his hand, a solid no.

“What…?” You really had no idea what Bakugo was expecting with a question like that. He still had the audacity to roll his eyes.

“The hell’s got you so jumpy?”

“It’s nothing…” It was a lot more than nothing, that’s for sure.

“Don’t lie to me, (name). What the fuck is up with you?” Ah, there it is again. That look. His words were as cut-throat as ever, and his mouth was still pulled into that seemingly permanent scowl. But his eyes conveyed something that was whole worlds asunder from his harsh tone. Golden brows furrowed as they usually were, though unusually upturned just the slightest bit. You despised that look. It ensured that you’ll forever be caught in his grasp, forever there for him when he never spared you the time of day.

Your lungs constricted by a force of gorgeously wretched agony. Katsuki wasn’t fair when he bared his soul to you like this, it filled you with such fervent euphoria that torrefied its way through your being, singeing your veins with luminous infatuation. And it hurt. Because you knew he’d cage himself right up as soon as the moment of vulnerability perished.

A crystalline sheen permeated your vision. This wasn’t going to end well.  

“I said it’s nothing,” Your voice raised. You hadn’t meant for the words to be as frosty as they came out, but it seemed like your subconscious was utterly done with the tedium of heartbreak he keeps putting you through.

“What is fucking wrong with you? I was literally just asking why you were being so goddamn obnoxious today and then you go and make a big fuckin’ deal out of nothing!”

“Well, maybe I’m just fucking tired of giving you everything I have and getting nothing in return, Katsuki!”

Your chest rose and fell with each scalding breath that entered your lungs. The blood through your veins was pumping. Never had you been confrontational, and your sudden outburst wasn’t exactly welcome to your system. You wanted to vomit. This was not how you wanted things to turn out, you absolutely needed to leave, distance yourself from the emotional strain he was inflicting on you.  

Without taking notice of the panicked glint in the cherry red of his irises, you bolted out of the suddenly claustrophobic room, leaving Katsuki to stare at his agape door before flickering his unfocused attention to your supplies still laying on his bed.

Katsuki erupted time and time again, with you being as patient as a receiving end could ever be. It’s specifically because of your godly patience that he never considered what he would do once you erupted.

With your back sliding down your dorm room door, and little friction stopping your descent, you wondered and maybe even wished he’d call after you, come banging on your door with bristling apologies on the tip of his tongue. However, the jarring reality was very clear to you. You’d decided on that day, with your head buried in your tear-stained pillow, that these were the last tears you’d ever shed on him, that you were going to put him through the same wringing hell he’d put you through.

You were going to ignore Bakugo Katsuki’s existence just like he’d periodically ignored yours.

The following week had been bleak at best and excruciatingly bitter at its worst for the both of you. It was so strange having to adjust to the absence of the other, even if your company more often than not had been a quiet one, it was company nevertheless. The most grueling part though, was your shared friend group. They’d noticed that something was obviously awry, but since neither of you said a thing about it, they decided it would be best if they didn’t either. The awkward dead silences during lunch were still purgatory to behold. But after a few more slow paced days, the sun seemed to shine bright again. For you, that is.

You didn’t realize how much of your schedule revolved around Bakugo until he was completely out of it. How much time you spent with him, dreading him, thinking about him… him, him, him. He’d consumed your thoughts from the first sparks of dawn till the hallows of dusk. You had so much free time now that he was out of the picture, it was crazy. The more time you spent on yourself, on your hobbies, getting to know other classmates outside of your immediate friend circle, the duller the ache in your chest. Until it was but a static buzz. Yet you couldn’t deny that, with time, your fury had mellowed out, leaving behind a cold loneliness you couldn’t elude whenever your aimless stare landed on him, almost like it was drawn to him by muscle memory.

He was the exact opposite.

You’d think the throbbing within him whenever you finally gazed his way then instantaneously looked in the opposite direction would knock come modicum of sense into his stubborn head. But nope. And seeing you thrive without him only cemented what he already knew. He really was no good for you. So much so that it barely took anytime for you to readjust to the lack of him in your life, and not only did you adjust, you were the best he’s ever seen you both mentally and academically. In the first week of you ditching him completely, his bruised ego kept him for reaching out to you, but now, seeing that elated grin on your face –the one that had been gradually dwindling over the past few months– he didn’t want to take your newfound happiness away, he’d figured he’d done you more than enough harm already.

Heart heavy with reluctance, Katsuki made the decision to give up on your relationship. Deciding to wordlessly cheer you on from the sidelines and watch you bloom, flourishing into the person he robbed you of being for a chunk of your life, though whenever your spring hit, it would be without him. Until some day in the future where his pride wasn’t as suffocating, where he could genuinely, wholeheartedly repent his grievances and only hope for your forgiveness.

Kirishima never took Bakugo for a quitter, hell would freeze over before he even thought such a thing. So this was certainly a shock. What was even more shocking ­– and overwhelmingly concerning– was the fact that Katsuki had willingly, on his own accord confided in him, and he’d, in his own roundabout way, taken accountability for being a gigantic douche to you. As much as the redhead respected his friend’s decision to stay clear of you, he couldn’t help but wish you’d just talk to one another for once. Kirishima really was a saint, having to listen to two idiots ramble about how much they miss the other.

“Listen, man. I know you feel bad and all that, but maybe you should just talk to her? I’m sure she’d like some closure on this just as you do, even if that doesn’t mean things will go back to the way they were.” Eijirou tried to reason, praying to whatever higher being out there that Katsuki would just get the fuck over himself and communicate with you.

“Fuck no. That’s not fucking happening, shitty hair,” Kirishima rolled his eyes at the oh so affectionate nickname, thoroughly done with his best friend’s melodrama. Welp, I guess there’s only one thing left to try. He heaved internally, mentally and physically preparing himself for Bakugo’s tantrum.

“Well, you know that if you won’t talk to her, others will, right? I heard some guys saying they’re gonna ask her ou–”

“Shut the fuck up! I don’t give a rat’s ass who asks her out!” He definitely did. Eijirou hid his smile. Checkmate.

“Whatever you say, dude.”

Later that day, three distinctly powerful knocks woke you up. Needless to say, you didn’t think that night would end up with you and Katsuki staring each other down, seated on your bed at one in the morning. Words got stuck in his throat, so he just… noiselessly watched your face, as if trying to telepathically ram his constipated emotions into you, in hopes that you’d make sense of them. Obviously, that didn’t work.

“Did you come banging on my door at one in the morning just to stare at me, Bakugo? I mean I know I’m pretty but still–”

“Shuddup.” Not really the best thing to say to you after weeks of radio silence. You were about to make another salty remark, but he opened his mouth first.

“I fucked up,” The fact that he was acknowledging he was at fault was… something. But that wasn’t nearly enough to pay off the debt off turmoil he’d caused you.

“No shit.” You replied without missing a beat. The ice that tinged your words caught him off guard, but he really shouldn’t have been surprised. He sighed, knowing he’d have to strip himself of everything, including his pride (especially his pride) down to his very core, to have a go at a second chance.

And so, he did.

He poured his everything out for you to observe, without an ego film distorting his words. Syllables reeked of muted agony, he really had rid himself of anything and everything that wasn’t his deepest soul. He finally offered you himself just as you had done countless times before. Katsuki swore that his heart would –and always has been– explicitly yours, he’d roar that fact at the constellations above if you so wished him to. And while it would take a while to heal from coruscating blisters he’d inflicted, you were more than content mending and welting your heart with his.  

Calyx

NSFW Chargestep inspired by that fantastic snippet and basically im back in fallen hero hell

There's a camellia on the far table. Not blossoming, not yet, not the season. But. Solana thinks she knows what colour it'll be. She reaches out to touch the stem, careful. Fragile - her, or the plant? She isn't sure. Not with the shards of her self glued back together so haphazardly. "Recognize it?" comes Ortega's voice at her back, and she nearly jumps out of her own skin. Shit, she’d forgotten he was there. "I wasn't able to save all those you kept going, but I was able to grab this one. Before... before the funeral."

She doesn't like how soft his voice's gotten, stuffed to the brim with the regret of seven lost years instead of the evening's joking, light flirtiness.

"There was another pot, too. It had purple flowers, I think-" "The hyacinth," Solana mutters, hand on the little blue plastic watering can near the camellia. "They'd flowered only once." Unwelcome memory; a shard sticking out of where she'd slotted it. Careful. "I tried to save it, but you know me," he laughs, hollow in the emptiness of the room. "Two black thumbs." "You kept this one alive, though," she says despite herself. She can't face Ortega. Not when she feels so raw, and control is a rapidly fading dream. "Of course I did. I couldn't lose more, not all of-" He coughs. “Had to prove I wasn’t a complete failure, Sol,” comes the joke, and she turns back to face him.

“Shut up,” is the only thing that comes to mind, because right now Solana can’t stand how jagged everything feels.

And then she punches him.

Like last time, she doesn't know who kisses who first, but one moment Solana stares up into Ricardo's stupid, trusting face, the next she's up on the tip of her toes while he bends closer and cradles her head. It's awkward, to say the least. She barely reaches up to his chin, has to tug him down by the shirt and try not to tip over the camellia.

But this isn’t the first time they try to make out. They stumble closer to his couch, interrupted only when Ricardo falls backwards, bringing Solana down with him. Down there the size difference is less jarring, less bothersome. Kissing Ricardo is like - taking a breath. She's missed that. It's a small reminder of what home could be, and how she can never, ever have it. His hands... Oh no. Wandering hands, like after the dinner. Solana pushes down the panic, covers it up with rash decisions. "Stop wriggling," she says, trying to pin him by the wrists. "You're like a worm, Ilio, I swear." "Ah, and you're the early bird? Because-" "Finish that sentence. I dare you," she smiles, all teeth. "Or what? You'll kiss me some more? Such a terrible fate, Sol, ¿Cómo podría soportarlo?" and that decides it. She goes for the throat. Can't bear it, right. And oh, he hasn't changed. That still revs him up, no matter how much he laughs, no matter how he bares his throat. They’re not in their twenties anymore, the wear and tear of the years heavy on them both, but still. He’s hard against her hip. With one hand she pins both of his above his head, worrying the pulse point on the right side of his neck. The other wanders down, slowly, while her traitorous hips rock down and grind over his thigh. If Ricardo notices how desperate she is to stay on top, he doesn't say. At last she unzips his jeans, careful to keep his attention on both her very insistent hand and the mouth - and teeth - at his throat. "Come on, So- oh," he moans as she palms him through his boxers - bright red, with the little lightning bolts. Sentimental.

Foolish.

She needs her second hand to push his pants down, lets go of his wrists. "You will," she can't stop the reply, before spitting in one palm. Urgh, what a terrible line. But she can't stop grinning. This banter feels so familiar, so easy. Too easy. Ricardo notices - opens his mouth to reply, to joke - and then she's back on him, mouth working along his jaw while her hand picks up rhythm. And poor Ricardo, how he looks. Flushed and tortured, one hand grasping at leather that must have seen much. Theories; as useful as a fever dream. No point chasing them. She breathes, reminds herself to come back to the present. "Feels good?" Solana asks, voice hoarse and sounding so unlike her. She struggles not to cough or laugh. Her hand is slick with spit and pre-cum; Ricardo must like the sight of it all, with his eyes almost glazed over.

He opens his mouth to reply when she bends back down and licks a path up his cock, alongside the vein, and he loses hold of whatever he was going to say. Who knew he could be this quiet, even with someone's head between his thighs? If anything, she'd have thought him bolder, louder. But that gives her an edge. Keeping hold of his gaze, she swallows him whole, tongue flat in her mouth. There's no way for Solana to know exactly what he thinks - not for the first time, she doesn't know if that's a disadvantage. She doesn't want to confront whatever may be inside his head, especially now. Not with how his fingers flex with every small hum, or how his hips stutter when she straightens up, and he pops out of her mouth with an obscene sound in the quiet of the room. His hand shoots out to catch her free one, flat against his thigh - warmth seeping through the fabric, an anchor, and the small circles his thumb rubs on her skin setting as many fires. His other hand runs through mousy brown hair and even if she knows he does his best not to push, she leans her cheek into his palm. That seems to do the trick, if the fingers tangling in and lightly pulling her hair are any indication. From tales of past exploits she knows he likes using his mouth, would have liked to kneel and worship.

That's out of the question.

His breathing's shallow, small noises torn from half-open lips. She thinks she can hear variations of her name, knows she's doing good when the syllables turn to bilingual vulgarity. It's exhilarating, the sight of the ex-Marshall turned a needy mess. It's inebriating, to be the one doing it.

His hips stutter, his hand still holding hers tightens and-

She stops.

He throws an arm over his eyes, face raised upward to the plaster ceiling. "Ah- Sol, please," Ricardo begs, and Solana leans back, wiping her mouth on her sleeve. "You waited twelve years," she says, unsure where this particular bitterness comes from. "You can wait a bit longer." But let no one say she isn't magnanimous: one hand keeps working at him, fingers slick, constant. It's... something else, to have her oldest (only?) friend exposed like this, after a little more than a decade on the knife's edge. By all rights this should never have happened, and yet. She keeps making mistakes. But then she catches sight of Ricardo's hooded gaze, and feels herself relent. He spends himself with a whine, face twisted up like he took a hit (and she feels like she did, too, a punch to the stomach at the sound) while he comes over her hand and his stomach. Solana keeps pumping for a few more heartbeats, slowing down until Ricardo lowers his legs on either side of her on the couch. The only sounds are their breathing and the mechanical ticking of the clock. She wipes her hand on his discarded hoodie, unsure how to proceed. His hand still grasping her left one surprises her. Shit, she'd forgotten she was holding it. "C'mon, let me help you out," he says. No, no no no no no- "Sol? What's wrong?" Shit, this can't happen. She never should have been so stupid, everything is ruined, or will be- She has to push him away. Before- "You can't!" she blurts out, "Ilio, I can't." Ricardo stops, sits up. "Clothes on, I swear. I don't even have to look, if that's what worries you." And sure, that sounds tempting, but. But. It's too risky. "Sol, look at me." She can't look at him in the eye, so she resorts to staring at a spot between his brows. "You deserve to feel good. I know it doesn't feel true, or right, but it is." Shit. Fuck. Son of a bitch, he's pulling the puppy eyes. "I don't think I'll ever be ready for any of that," she says, because it's true. Even with the truth of what she is. "Can I hold you, at least?" he asks, like that'll fix everything. Solana wants to believe the lie that it might. She nods. Ricardo pulls her closer, slowly, like sex made him sluggish. Or like Solana's some stray, feral animal that might lash out any second. That might be true. She lets him. Is she terrified of bolting? Desperately craving some touch she very well can't have? The thoughts burn through her mind until she's level with Ricardo's chest, listening to his heartbeat. Louder than the mechanical clock. "I got some mouthwash, if you need it," says Ricardo. His voice is a pleasing grumble she feels more than hears. Solana tilts her head up. "How thoughtful," she smiles, then kisses him. "Mierda, Sol, come on! That's my own-" "It's okay, you got mouthwash," she snorts.  This feels... right. The rhythm of a heartbeat under her ear, the kiss on her forehead. It's soothing. Solana lets herself believe the lie that this might last, that maybe she's worth holding onto. This could be home, if everything was different.

This weeks notes Mostly transcription this week i think, i tried my best for nott’s scene. as usual ignore the asterisks because theyre just notes to myself.

peace

Molly is Nervous (tm) abiut sticking around, or going to the gentleman

theres a fight in the evening nip, beau is fucking excited its thedd (halfling from sewers) and lewis (one of the ones that had run from the research facility)

N: "I got three gold on Thedd" M: Seems a bit late for a wager at this point N: Just you and me! M:.... fair. I'm in.

Thedd wins by standing on lewis' throat til he passes out holy shit M: (drops coins into Nott's hand) N, smug: Thank you :)

oh now Nott and Beau are fighting jesus christ. C: "I cast Haste on Beauregard." Laura: YOU PIECE OF SHIT **

J: Inflict Wounds (17 dmg) ((Fjord, changing his voice: "I GOT 5 GOLD ON THE HORNY ONE)) B: WHAT THE FUCK JESTER, Stunning Strike, (7dmg, jes fails con save (6), she is stunned, extra attack from haste, 6dmg) J: (is stunned for this round, until the end of beaus turn) B: Beaus the shit outta her ( 12dmg, 6dmg) ((MOLLY blinds her)) B: still goin, but misses 2 of em, hits on the third (12dmg) J: (goes down)

caleb: goes for the low five, and Beau just.... ignores him unintentionally bless.

Frumpkin is sent to lick the blood off of jesters face, Beau cleans her up <33

They are called to the gentleman's side

offered a forward of 500gp and a pot of 4500g to travel to Shady Creek Run, the criminals town, and free and bring back Ophelia... something, who corresponds often with the gentleman

the tldr of the second (250 adv, 1750 pot) is that the swamps are dangerous for the gentlemans safehouse which has gone dark.

theyre promised resources for missions from the gentleman

Jester: "IS HE MOIST"(re the gentleman)

they take on both, starting with the swamps. The Gentleman advises they travel the 70 miles above ground.

Fjord is so fuckin smooth talky wtf. they get greater heling potion(s)?? + cure disease? Caleb's gettin some ink + paper, but its not good for spells 8(

Nott keeps making water puns. im counting 4. and a hankie.

Jester wand of smiles Kutha again, poor kutha 8(

Caleb + beau ( + assumedly nott) go to pumat's

have they paid their inn tab??

Cay buys incense for rituals, probably find familiar lbh. he also gets his magical ink+parchment.

Beau is interested in the bracers of defence. Theyre like 1200gp tho arent they??? B: how much PS: 1200 gold B:HOLY SHIT PUMAT. [snip] B: HOLY SHIT PUMAT(S).

C: (tells beau he cast haste) B: YOU SLIP SOMETHIN IN MY DRINK CALEB??? WHAT THE FUCK MAN

they have 6 horses, 2 pulling, 6 solo. Jes is driving thr cart.

Caleb: (brings up the feywild) Jester: oh the traveller has told me about that!!

Frumpkin is (one of) the first cats yasha has seen 8'O shes fuckin loving it **

lots of fucking soldiers heading to war. hundreds, if not thousands.

night falls as they reach the origin of the. road. they cant find a campground because tal rolled SHIT even with advantage.

Jester + Fjord take first watch. (13. Nothing) Yasha + Beau on second watch. (14. Also Nothing.) B: We should huddle together for warmth??? Y: Fr- Frumpkin is keeping me. very warm. are you cold??? do you want my, my cloak? B: No, no my, my (jacket??? cant remember what she said) is fine, its htin, but its warm Then they talk about Yasha ands this is the furthest shes ever been. Y: "i like this stuff. Grass, and, things. you know." B: You appreciate grass?

B: What was your favourite part of xorhas? Y: I... dont know if i HAD a favourite part

this was the CUTEST shit

third watch is Nott + Molly (10, nothing happens) taliesin trying a jester voice makes me the heart eyes emoji

goblins canonically steal children what THE FUCK. And EAT them. But Nott, apparently, has not eaten a child. "My clan, we STOLE from people. money and clothing and things. And when things got tough, we'd steal the people too." Goblins dont do family. "I do not have an urge to kill and eat children" "i have cravings for... rats... cats-" (Caleb snaps) Frumpkin goes back to the feywild Yasha: =(

taliesin taking watch after rolling shit cmon. he gets 16. Noon, broken cloud cover, a tiny distant curl of smoke. oh not again. its a mile away tho so like

the smoke is coming from a small shack.

"For you, Fjord, I will make Frumpkin a bird." He doesn't though but its the sentiment.

Yasha gets shoulder frumpkin back!

The shack door opens to "an elderly fullblood orc" with hair and beard and all that shit.

for 1 (one) gp a month, you TOO can bother a whole old man orc. Jesus christ he had a battleaxe. puts it down, invites yasha and molly in. THIS IS SO UNNECESSARY Molly buys hide armor + 2lb of meat for 16gp. M: Perception check 10. Matt: "Okay." There is sOMETHING SUS about this.

and theyre off again, i am glad for this. i do not like elderly orc man.

yasha and molly double up on that goof "we totally killed him, three times." its very good

M + Y: What kind of meat is this? (fuck their rolls) its meat! its good meat!

M+Y take first watch, its 12. Nothing happens. Yasha collects some flowers to press awww. N+C Second watch, they roll w advantage lmao. 22. something is going to happen. "you hear the snapping of a twig. you see a shifting of shadow. a few things" Cay casts mage armor

Two arrows for Caleb. con saving throw. probably poison. 10. its poison. he is poisoned. fucks frickin sake. is it gnolls?? is it goblins??? hyenas??? furred barking things. wolves.

two ogres, a cluster of wolves, and goblin-like creatures

initiative order:

Beau: Nat20, 24 Goblins Caleb: 18 Fjord, Molly: 16 Ogres Nott: 15 Yasha, Jester: 6 Wolves

B: Jester, puppies!!

Yasha and Jester shrug off poison of those that hit them.

Caleb casts slow on one ogre. unrelated liam is so good???

oh yeah eldritch blast gets two beams of eldritch blast at lv3

Molly radiants once scimitar and cuts RIGHT through one of em. misses the second.

Caleb hit with a javelin, 4-5 inches into his stomach, holding itself upright. Caleb keeps the spell going.

Nott pretends shes one of them and aims for Caleb, hits the book instead. and nails it.

Jester (traumatised): CALEB!!! cure wounds 2nd level. but he is pretty fucked so its ok. he heals to full its ok its ok. Jester cares so much

Yasha pulls necrotic shroud! which as someone who cant watch TM, this is a reveal for me! :D

J: (to cale) Youre alive! How did- C: (monotonous) haha! funny, joke.

Fjord explodes a goblin Molly cuts one in half, vertically

Molly curses the ogre attacking beau

Nott shoots the ogre, and then the goblin next to her... but misses and is fucked

Yash gets the hdywtdt on one of the ogres

Beau @ necrotic shroud!yasha: you look... dope. You look FUCKIN HOT LETS GO.

cay has magic missile!

fjord gets the second hdywtdt w eldritch blast.

cay n molly go to retrieve stolen goods from goblin but apparently just Molly

Yasha necrotic shrouds when shes startled awake. F: Can you fly? Y: ...no J: Have you tried? Y:... yeah.

Yasha n Caleb have a conversation in celestial C: No really, are you an angel? Y: of sorts, i guess [snip] C: You will have to explain this now, or later. do you want to explain this now, or later? Y: i- ill explain it, just, maybe we should clean up first!

i have no idea whats going on but i heard marisha say "bad dragon" and im gonna die

J: Nott, are you okay? Was it weird to fight other goblins? N: it was... rewarding. I'm only sad that... one got away. B: Nott, do you share the same hatred in yourself? [snip] N: Do... do I hate myself? No. I'm... I'm cool. F: You seem excited to hurt your own kind. N: I know, I'm a goblin, for as long as I've been alive I haven't felt comfortable in, in there. I havent felt comfortable in my skin. It feels like I shouldnt be, i dont fit in with them. I feel, this feels WRONG, like I should be in a different body. The way they act, the way they are, it's not ME. They do horrible things to people, and they seem fine with it. I never felt the same with them. It's not that I don't like myself or anything, I think I'm okay, I just don't like how I feel when I see my hands, or my feet. They just feel wrong. I just want to be... different. C: Was there anyone you were close to? N: Not in my clan, but there was... someone. They tried me on different jobs but I was not a soldier, i was not a good cook, not good at sweing, or building, they stuck me with the torturer. I was the torturers assistant. there was a halfling village not far away and they captured someone from the village, they wanted me to kill him, but instead, I was kind to him. And he started talking, and my... fellow gobbies didn't like that, but they allowed it, because i was getting valuable information. [about halflings resources] I became friends with him. He was nice. J: What happened to him? N: I hope he got away J: Did you leave before him? N: We left together [snip J: Did you love him? N: .... I don't know. The halfling taught her how to speak in halfling, taught her about alchemy, when he has taught her everything, the goblins said to kill him. And she didnt want to. so she got REAL drunk, and shot another goblin in the ass. N: I hope he got away. We ran off in separate directions. I've been running ever since.

+1 to the quest log, find Nott's friend.

Beaus trying to be nice i love her.

C: I do not care. I know who you are now. (<333)

B: I think we're all a little bit of island of misfits.

F: You showed a lot of bravery tonight B: Nott, The brave. J: Maybe there is a comma.

Y: Nott, I'm sorry we made fun of you eating children N: I HAVE NOT EATEN CHILDREN

B: What got you locked up with this guy? (Caleb) N: Being me. Stealing food? C: You told me it was cherry wine. N: OKAY IT WAS BOOZE.

it is now raining.

M: Well, I'm sleeping underneath the cart! if anyone wants to join me... J: We wont all fit! M: We'll snuggle. *

Molly + Jester are under the cart.

"i tasted a baby once. ONCE. they were handing around a bowl, I didn't know-" -N Liam takes Sam's flask and takes a swig so i assume caleb does the same in canon C: "Who am I to judge?"

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

Did You See?

Author’s Note: lord i am so glad someone requested Jongin fluff so i could make up for the torture that is Mourning Air. this is a gift for @kpopandlock and i hope hope hope i have done this justice. romance comes very hard for me unless theres chapters of tension and build up, so i hope this makes every Nini stan swoon just a tiny bit <3 enjoy loves!

Pairing: Kai x Reader

Summary: every day, you fall a little bit more in love with your best friend, Jongin. everyday, you ache for him. everyday, you miss all the signs of something he’s been trying to tell you.

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,068

Nini[2:06 AM]: you up?

Y/N[2:08 AM]: yeah why

Nini[2:08 AM]: are you hungry?

Y/N[2:10 AM]: !!! diner run? :)

Nini[2:11 AM]: i have a better idea ;)

Y/N[2:12 AM]: better than 2AM waffles?? D:

Nini[2:13 AM]: promise to keep an open mind

Y/N[2:14 AM]: nini it’s too early...or late idk to be open minded~~

Nini[2:15 AM]: ok then be spontaneous

Y/N[2:16 AM]: what are you suggesting

Nini[2:18 AM]: cheesesteaks

Y/N[2:18 AM]: im not fucking cooking at 2 in the morning, are you high

Nini[2:20 AM]: nooo let’s go GET them i know an amazing food truck in philly

Y/N[2:21 AM]: are you driving?

Nini[2:21 AM]: as long as you DJ

Y/N[2:22 AM]: come pick me up~~ <3

Nini[2:23 AM]: that’s my girl! be there in 10

True to his word, Jongin arrives ten minutes later looking too put together for what you think is just a night drive. He stands in your doorway, bright smile making you feel like you’re ascending dawn, grey hoodie and running pants matching with a casual, attractive air of non-effort. You want to comment on this, tell him he's overdressed and making you tumble into a state of longing, but before you can speak, he leans over to kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear. 

‘We’re taking the scenic route.’

This is nothing new for him. He's said these same words to you hundreds of times on different occasions, sometimes even in metaphor, but tonight it feels different. Tonight, his breath hovers over your ear a little too long and it takes all your willpower not to press your cheek to his. You know you're alone in this sentiment, know that these feelings are one sided and must remain this way for the benefit of your friendship. But still, tonight, these words make you want him more. 

The highway is empty as you drive, chasing the moon and stars with your headlights. You watch him, studying the way he seems to glow in the night, and think he never really looks as relaxed or as serene as when he's driving. With one hand on the wheel and the other out the window, fingers dancing in the cool night air, his face is placid and happy, eyes bright and filled with hidden laughter as he drives. This is when you really see him, truly see all the vulnerable parts of him, when he's pensive and assumes no one is looking; when he's alone with you. 

Mirroring his position, you stick your arm out the window and find yourself falling into the moment, collapsing into it. You've never felt closer to him than right now, driving on the interstate for a spontaneous cheesesteak run. You've never felt more alive than in this moment, as the state Pennsylvania sign passes you by. Beside you trees and trees and trees pass along the river bank, and you're glad he chose this route. You're glad he wanted the extra time with you and no one else, not even other strangers on this secluded road. You're glad that he wants you, even if it's only like this.

Eventually, you fall asleep - not a truly deep sleep, just dozing softly, hand still catching the wind as your head lulls to the side with parted lips.

You are asleep and so you don't see it. You don't see the way he turns to look at you, your skin shimmering as the first glimmers of the sun start to pour over your face. You don't see the way he smiles, admiration of you beginning to eat away at and melt through him. You don't see him reach for your hand as it rests on your thigh with loose fingers, and the way he pauses just over the palm. He ghosts over it, molding his hand above it as though he were miming the hold, before pulling it back to the gear shift. You don't see him clutch at it, holding it and pretending it is your skin.

You don't see him tumbling with you.

Nini[1:33 PM]: you going to jongdae’s thing tonight?

Y/N[1:35 PM]: idk maybe. i have to see if i feel up for it

Nini[1:37 PM]: pllssss!! youre never really up for these things and i need you with me tonight

Y/N[1:40 PM]: why tonight of all nights? lmao youve gone to so many parties without me

Nini[1:41 PM]: because tonight i just don’t want to be without you :)

Y/N[1:42 PM]: this is not a reason

Nini[1:43 PM]: excuse me, it’s the only reason that matters

Y/N[1:44 PM]: you know i get shy at parties

Nini[1:46 PM]: jongdae and i will be there

Y/N[1:48 PM]: and if it were just you two it would be ok - it wouldnt even be a party~~ it's other people nini :/

Nini[1:50 PM]: i’ll be with you the whole night i promise :))

Y/N[1:52 PM]: youre not going to take no for answer are you :c

Nini[1:52 PM]: nope :D

Y/N[1:56 PM]: fine. ill meet you there ugh

Nini[1:58 PM]: thank you duchess! i'll make it up to you! <3

Y/N[1:58 PM]: you better

Jongin finds you the minute you enter the crowded house, his hand seeking yours and threading your fingers together as you push through the door. You know he’s already drunk, though you don’t know how long he’s been here. Like usual, his body is craving contact after only a few drinks of alcohol. Typically, he keeps you close by so he can touch your skin and soothe his bleary ache for affection, never allowing you to wander too far out of reach. Always this is born out of trust, you think. He knows and trusts you enough to take these things from you, expects them to be freely given because the language of your relationship dictates it. 

Always, he does this and doesn't see the way hope brims over and leaks from your pores. Always, he doesn't see you swoon.

‘I'm glad you came!’ Jongdae shouts over the music as he hands you a drink. ‘You literally never come to my parties. This is such a nice surprise.’

‘This one persuaded me,’ you concede, tilting your head in Jongin’s direction. He’s distracted, eyes scanning the room with a wide smile offered to everyone but you. Seeing this makes your heart sink a little, knowing that, at some point, even if he doesn't mean to, his promise to you will be broken. 

It only takes an hour.

After leading you around the room, squeezing your hand as you talk through your shyness with others and whispering that he's proud of you, he leaves your side at the first notes of his favourite song. For a few minutes, you watch him dance and sing, jumping and moving with an ease that makes you envious. When he laughs, his mouth becomes a glorious circle, head cocking back as though he can't contain the force of his joy. When he sings along, his eyes close in sheer delight at being young and being alive. 

You find this all too beautiful and too heartbreaking to look at. It only makes you want him more.

So you turn and go out to the yard, hoisting yourself into the fence rungs to sit and drink, taking small sips of whatever is in your cup so you don’t get drunk. It's quiet here, perfect for thinking and longing and wishing on all the stars you can count.

Your back is to the door, so you don't see it. You don't see the way Jongin searches for you the moment the song ends, biting his lips and furrowing his brow in worry. You don't see the way he smiles, awed and moved by the way you hum to yourself as you stargaze. You don't see him lean against the door, eyes turning up to the same star and filled with hopeful wonder. 

You don't see him wish that you were his.

Y/N[6:33 PM]: come over

Nini[6:35 PM]: mmmmm why? movie night?

Y/N[6:36 PM]: if you want. im making your fave tho, so i thought id ask

Nini[6:37 PM]: CHICKEN????

Y/N[6:40 PM]: lmao yes and if youre a good boy ill even let you help me cook

Nini[6:41 PM]: excuse you i am always a good boy

Y/N[6:43 PM]: you abandoned me at the party last weekend. that was very naughty ;(

Nini[6:45 PM]: i told you i was sorry :( and i didnt really abandon you. dont say that :(((

Y/N[6:46 PM]: THAT WAS HOW IT FELT NINIKINS

Nini[6:48 PM]: im so confused like youre upset with me but youre using my nickname and i ?????

Y/N[6:49 PM]: i was upset but im not anymore its ok bb. are you coming?

Nini[6:50 PM]: yeah be there in 15?

Y/N[6:52 PM]: ok. bring wine please

Nini{6:52 PM]: you got it duchess <3

You leave the door unlocked for him, an open invitation to your home, your heart, your life. When he arrives, he’s carrying your favourite red wine and a small chocolate cake he acquired from a bakery along the way.

‘I want to feel like I’m contributing,’ he murmurs with a bashful smile. 

‘Aww,’ you coo, taking the cake from him and tapping his cheek. ‘I would have let you cut some broccoli but this is much better.’ 

He lingers behind you for a while, watching the way you cut and stir and manage time in your kitchen. It bewilders him, a little bit, the science of cooking becoming something of an art beyond his comprehension. This is the one thing you can hold above him, the one skill you have that he doesn’t, and you are too proud to admit that you sometimes use this to be close to him. Tonight is an example, how you decided to make chicken only because he said he would come over. How you decided to even consider it because he would be here and near you and doing exactly this: pressing himself behind you to watch and share your air.

After several minutes he moves away from you, pulling out his phone and scrolling through it with a content, placid expression.

‘Where’s that speaker I got you for your birthday?’

‘In the bathroom by the sink.’

He disappears and comes back seconds later, holding the black rectangle in his hand as he syncs it with his phone.

‘We’re going to listen to some music and you’re going to relax.’

You scoff, flipping chicken in the skillet. ‘I don’t need relaxing.’ 

‘Yes, you do,’ he says firmly. ‘Even the way you said that was tense.’

Setting the spatula on the counter, you turn to face him with a cocked eyebrow. ‘Now who’s the tense one?’

He doesn’t bother to respond to this. Instead, he hits play and soft soul music starts to play from the speaker. Sighing, you turn back to the stove and attempt to make yourself look busy. This was done on purpose. He knows that soul music feels like it belongs to you in some way, like you’ve claimed it as the sound of your blood.

What he doesn’t know is that the sight of him dancing to Otis Redding will hurt you, hurt you in a way that would make your heart feel as though it were bleeding. He doesn’t know that the sight of his hips swaying to the rhythm would make your breath catch, pausing at the sight to admire and memorize it before continuing with a quickened pace. He doesn’t and cannot know these things, so you keep your back to him in order to protect yourself. Because now, you think, you cannot possibly want him more.

Your back is to him, so you don’t see it. You don’t see the way he approaches you, eyes hungry and arms outstretched to hold you in the them. You don’t see the way he reaches for you, hands coming to rest atop your hips like he’s claiming you the way you’ve claimed the music. When he starts dancing with you, moving your body with his as he presses himself tightly against you, you don’t see the way his lips part to exhale against your hair. You don’t see the way his mouth hovers above your ear for too long, tongue desperate to lick against the lobe. You don’t see the way his eyes roll back in his head as you push against him, lightly, teasingly, and the way his fingers twitch to run themselves beneath the band of your shorts. The way they yearn to sneak beneath the band of your underwear to press, and touch, and stroke.

You don’t see the way he finally, truly, believes he is losing control. 

Nini[1:40 AM]: are you up?

Y/N[1:43 AM]: yeah why - MORE CHEESESTEAKS?

Nini[1:44 AM]: can i come over?

Y/N[1:44 AM]: are you ok?

Nini[1:45 AM]: i need to see you

Y/N sent a photo

Y/N[1:46 AM]: see! it’s me!

Nini[1:46 AM]: no. i need you see you. please.

Y/N[1:47 AM]: jongin youre scaring me. whats going on?

Nini[1:48 AM]: please say yes. just say i can see you. i just need you.

Y/N[1:49 AM]: yes babe yes the door is unlocked

Nini[1:50 AM]: on my way 

Five years. You’ve known Jongin for five years. 

Four years. You’ve loved Jongin for four years.

Never have you seen him look like this. For years you’ve watched him stumble into and out of love with anguish, grace, and pride, and still he’s never looked like this. 

He’s in your doorway and he looks like he’s gasping, swallowing whole mouthfuls of the air to catch his breath and to catch your scent. Hair has fallen into his eyes, his wide eyes that look at you as though they’ve reached their limit or found something - they’re fixed on you so completely you’re starting to feel naked beneath the gaze. There’s suffering happening beneath his skin. He’s fraught and fighting with something and you’re scared, you’re scared because you feel he brought the air of change with him and it’s making you vulnerable and uncomfortable.

He rushes into your house but doesn’t sit. His feet carry him in nondescript patterns around your living room, pacing in an almost frantic way.

‘Jongin,’ you whisper loudly, trying not to startle him out of his panic. ‘Jongin, what is going on?’ 

‘I reach for you,’ he blurts out, turning to look at you as though he’s had an epiphany. ‘I reach for you all the time and you never see it.’

Your brain muddles over these words, toys with them and breaks them apart to try to understand them but comes up empty and confused. 

‘You reach for me?’ you ask, breathless though you don’t know why. Something is happening, and your body is in on it first, making you lose faith and trust in the air and yourself. 

‘I reach for you,’ he repeats. ‘Something happens in my day, and I reach for my phone to tell you. I crave food at two in the morning, and I reach for you to come with me. I watch you cook, and I want to touch you, so I reach for you but you don’t see me. I am always reaching for you, and I need you to see me.’ 

The words rush out of his mouth like they’ve been waiting to be released for years, like he’s practiced them hundreds of times and now that he’s finally saying them he can’t wait to get them out. 

You’re facing him, and now you see it. You see the way his hands reach out to you as he approaches you, coming to cup your face gently and cradle it as though it were treasure. You see the way his eyes bore into yours, filled with love and lust and longing. You see the way he is breaking, shattering beneath his desire and how his breath is coming too quickly to really keep him alive. You see the way the world is spinning but you both are still in this moment, learning to reach for one another.

‘Do you see?’ he asks, softly with a trembling lip. ‘Do you see why I needed to be here? To hold you?’

You close your eyes and nod.

‘Don’t do that,’ he whispers.

You open your eyes and make to speak, but his thumb softly swipes over your bottom lip and tugs it gently down to luxuriate in its plumpness.

‘Don’t close your eyes,’ he clarifies. ‘ I want you to see.’ 

Eyes open wide, you watch as he lifts your chin upwards and presses his forehead against yours, taking the moment to breathe together. You watch as he slides just out of view and presses your lips together, your body suddenly warm with the contact and wetness pooling between your thighs. Keeping your eyes open, you let him kiss you, gently and full of purpose with a warm mouth and a soft tongue. Your eyes roll back just slightly as your hands fist in his hair, tongue pressing against his in time with your hips. His hands slide down your back to fist in the hem of your shirt, pulling it up as he moans, loudly and without shame, as his fingers touch your hot skin, and you see.

You see how you both took the scenic route to get here, to this moment. You see how having him in your arms makes the world brighter. You see how kissing him like this makes the world move slower.

You see how badly you need him. You finally see how deeply he loves you. 

so yesterday i finished all for the game for the second time in my life (weird thing i've never read a book or series twice) and it wrecked me for the second time. it was unexpectedly nice that i actually understood everything with so much clarity, but that makes sense i've got lot of practice in reading english since then. also, i wrote my thoughts on the book this time.

i can't understand how a book can have such an impact on me, i hate that and i love it, everything else that crossed my mind is under the cut

★huh andrew really bullied aaron into dressing identical to mess up with neil

★"i don't swing either way" is the phrase that made me feel more valid that the whole queer community ever

★neil is pure nihilism

★how can i EVER forget neil wore a tight long sleeved TORN tshirt that andrew bought this is way too much

★seth is dead and all kevin can think about is the line up tbh i do that often

★they are making a scandal about how they sit

★kevin telling neil "destroy him" filled me with power

★the most unreal part is neil ALWAYS keeping his roots another colour the guy must dye his hair every fucking week

★how did neil buy andrew's promise to protect him from the japanese mafia's professional murderers when the only people he physically bullies is an obsessive young adult with anxiety, a princess in high heels and his sunshine sister in law

★wait a fucking minute andrew saw neil filled with terror while holding the phone and immediately gave him the car keys so he could be alone fuck

★nicky fucking hemmick attended to improv class

★ according to dan few athletes were crude enough to start trouble at an ERC event, you mean as crude as neil?

★how to take care of your teammate while he's in a crisis according to: andrew→show concern and reassure him. wymack→10 seconds of vodka

★"hey, jean. jean valjean" is peak comedy

★the ravens walking in v formation is genuinely the most cringy thing you can think of

★neil first finds out the only possible person to date him is andrew because he was jealous of renee are you kidding me

★andrew only missed 13 from 150 shots on goal for fucking real what a Man

★renee is an angel, she's specifically andrew's angel

★neil truly is a watcher

★bee wearing a bee costume is the only good thing on this world

★dan and matt dressed like greek gods!!!!! they can adopt me already

★can you believe nicky is the one who got into neil's brain and planted the idea of realying on someone, and since then neil actively pursues an investigation on andrew's relationship status how on god's name i missed that HOW he's not even subtle about it damn

★he first worries about renee now about kevin goddamn it josten how can't you se how much you care about him

★it's funny how sexuality is such a heavy topic between them when they sure as fuck have some pretty huge stuff going on you know like dying in the hands of the mafia or being tortured

★i imagine andrew running to renee all bonkers like "listen if the cute guy asks, for fucks sake tell him i'm gay but make it ~casual~ maybe this way he'll get it"

★the sole mention of thanksgiving dinner makes me want to die

★kevin is checking the scores in a newspaper I forget this book is so 00's

★they should have spent the day eating turkey and frozen pie at abby's fuckkkkkkkk

★are you kidding me they are in the middle of a conversation and andrew casually chokes neil a little but it's ok they carry on wtf

★"we are all going to regret this" is the fucking worse piece of foreshadowing in this book

★neil interrogating andrew the same night he was raped what kind of fucking piece of shit does that

★i can't fucking believe neil went ahead and shoved andrew's hand under his tshirt in front of kevin, wymack, betsy and two fucking lawyers are you kidding me

★neil asking "are we? friends?" to nicky is so relatable because i also would have an aneurysm if someone told me i am their friend

★someone else tries to flirt with him and he immediately considers andrew how i was too ace to see it the first time i read

★jesus fucking christ riko is one truly fucked up sociopath and neil is the bravest motherfucker on the land

★how can he face riko like that in the nest and be extremely pure in other occasion

★"are we watching the ball drop? i want to make a wish" he wants to make a wish and i want to die thanks

★i can't believe the whole if it means losing you then no and side effect of the drugs shit it's unreal fucking unreal how oblivious neil is too ace to realize anything SOMEONE JUST CALLED YOU "DREAM" THE LEVEL OF ROMANTICISM

★the amount of heavy staring in this trilogy is ridiculous and all i can think about is twilight

★these books made me see how far from the 00s we are, for many reasons, but mostly for some jokes that can't let slide; like calling neil a battered wife, domestic misogynistic violence is not a joke

★i can't believe from all people, wymack was the first one to get andrew was into neil

★"that doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you" is such a funny phrase to be said casually why is it

★"you are a racoon, not a fox" oh andrew

★it only took andrew admitting he had a crush for neil to be all sentimental and shit, and that disarmed andrew too

★they are like some kind of animal that while you think they are fighting, they are actually mating, that's exactly what nora meant with feral

★half of last book is neil mooning over andrew jfc

★nicky made neil smile while distracting him from riko im gonna throw myself off a cliff

★i can't quite believe neil goes through a detailed monologue about andrews memory the man is impressed and borderline turned on about every talent on his crushe's shelf

★i literally can't follow and will never understand the quarrel/promise/agreement between aaron and andrew what a bunch of pretentious idiots

★every time neil's phone buzzes all i fear is the fucking countdown

★i thought "i want to see you lose control" was a collective fever dream i can't believe it's written on the books

★if i was nicky i already have told andrew to stop his freaky pretentious shit towards me

★neil to the upperclassman: ha ha fellas is it gay to unthinkingly call andrew in the middle of a anxiety breakdown

★"you gave me a key and called it home" is as soft as heartbreaking i want to jump off a cliff

★"i won't be like them, i wont let you let me be" is actually pushing me off that cliff andrews feelings are a fucking storm

★neil was kidnapped and tortured the day of my bday and that's not a coincidence

★neil's talent to twist the truth in order to convince andrew of anything is outstanding

★excuse me they have no right to be this soft i hate them

★they miss so many opportunities to be funny about the whole "protection" thing

★did he really had a mental breakdown over where to fucking sit on the bus lmao

★"don't come crying to me when someone breaks your face" is the second most awful piece of foreshadowing

★lets be honest for a second andrew should be a fucking writer because all those things he says? edgy myspace pretentious poetry

★im sorry but i don't care about literally anything except neil smiling onto andrew's neck bye

★andrew ghosted a kiss across neil's hip im dead for real

★abby kissed neil's forehead farewell after cleaning all his injuries i have no words he's recieving all the affection he deserves

★cant believe you don't see aaron is fucking worried neil is taking advantage of andrew

★i mean yeah ok don't talk love but neil is sad that nicky thinks it was only hate sex, and he immediately acknowledged it meant more than that to him bc his demi btw wtf does hate sex mean i can't believe you hate someone so much you wanna suck his dick

★they all went horseback riding when will i have a group of friends like that

★"who's humanising who in that relationship" i know right nicky

★kevin locking himself to have a panic attack is the most relatable thing

★the car encounter with ichirou holds the same tension as a mr robot scene

★the proposal of playing olympics and being unstoppable feels like marriage or smth

★neil is literally having his hot girl summer

★i adore neil's overflow of emotions after swallowing everything for so many years. represented, thanks.

★andrew terrorising katelyn who the fuck does he think he is what an annoying asshole

★"did you know i've never been skiing" is the most epic line

★i cheer to the sole mention of laila

★alvares can deck me right now and i would say thank you

★"war is profitable" aaron knows what's up

★sometimes i want to slap them is2g

★that scene at eden's where they are all discussing how roland found out and aaron ends up being the only straight one lmao boy it's your punishment for being so homophobic

★the whole "deadliest piece on the board" spech is 100 times better when you consider kevin was wasted and overly exaggerating every word and gesture

★can you imagine those few fans supporting kevin's new tattoo screaming YAAAAASSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEN while snapping fingers i'm cackling

★matt in court body slamming into anyone that's been a problem to the foxes: VIBE CHECK MOTHERFUCKER

★neil kissed andrew in castle fucking evermore the audacity i adore him

huge mood swing

weird how those have been happening a lot more than usual lately.

im trying to beat my computer about to die. I only have a few things to say, and I cant be fucked to get up and grab the charger from my room only to put it back in there so that I can watch hunter x hunter in the living room before it gets too dark, because frankly im a big scaredy cat pussy that cant do anything remotely required of an adult.

so.

im pretty proud of my shopping habit today. I went in, I assesed properly, I didnt give in to buying stupid shit that I already had, and because of my absolute god tier discernment I managed to only buy one thing!!

one!

very proud. in the grand scheme of things, that doesnt matter all that much, but it was a big deal to me and im excited to get my habits under control.

I dont know whats going on with my feelings lately.

I dont feel my best but I don’t feel my worst. some days are better than others. I can feel really good one moment but then the next I get smacked with a huge let down that brings my entire mood down to shit despite it not being a big deal at all.

I am realizing now that I probably really need to get my charger because I have a lot more to say than I figured and I kinda dont want to risk fucking up my flow.

brb.

I am back.

I supposed its a good thing I went to get up because I was able to put my zara bag back in the guest bedroom/second closet room.

Okay, in the super grand scheme of things, spending a solid $500 dollarinos on a bunch of clothes is probably not the best step in the right direction. BUT! To justify it, I really went on that wild bender because I have transitioning. It’s a big transition, a very big girl transition into adulthood. I have an aesthetic I want to keep up, and frankly, Miss Kelly Stamps has taught me that wanting to keep up with an aesthetic takes fucking work, so I sought out to put that god damn work in and I did. That was a very privileged sentence; putting in work towards my closet as if that’s the biggest thing I could be doing with my time. But honestly, I’m working towards an overhaul of like... everything. It’s not terribly torturous, at least not to me, (I just glanced outside and I’m noticing that I’m losing sunlight, but I really want to watch more hunter x hunter, but im scared to do that at night because im on that chimera arc, and I find it very dark and scary. So perhaps I should stop wasting time and wrap up my thoughts, but I have so many that idk how im going to do it)

Anyway, yeah, at least not to me.

It’s not that I don’t want to be myself. It’s that I’ve felt so trapped by an old self for so long, and a new self is ready to emerge that I really like, but she needs work to come out. And its ugly work, it is.

She’s trapped in here and I’m working to get her out.

Now, I’ve been slacking the last few weeks. Thankfully not to the point of no return, but enough to where I’ve really been feeling like garbage about it. So I’m starting again, and I’m pretty sure I can do it better this time. I had a wonderful start (not sure what it is with me and new weeks, I feel like fresh starts are best launched at the beginning of new weeks) but I did well. Made some returns, picked up my glasses, exercised some habits I want to curate, I’m doing a good job. 

I’m hopeful to not have much errands to run after wrapping all of this up the next coming week. I say hopeful because honestly, I say that every week, and it doesn’t get any better because I’m an idiot. I know this.

But I feel this new change in my bones!! Can you believe it. Bones!

Few things I still want: Solid pairs of trousers (camel and black) Levi’s ribcage jeans/everlane cheeky jeans (black and classic blue) and heeled mary janes with a strap or some other black, square toed heel.

that’s a solid five more things I want in my arsenal that I can argue I need! But I cant order four of them until I get more other issue sorted out. Then will come winter, and I’ll have to replace my sweaters because I should look much different by then, and they will no longer due. Luckily, I have plenty of cardigans to buffer the issue, and thankfully the coats I boat were in mediums so I can get away with them, I believe. I’m imagining purchasing no more than like, four additional sweaters. Maybe even two, if I’m being as strict as I should be.

But that shopping will be spread throughout the year. Hopefully by september I will be where I want, if these habits I develop end up bending to my will.

I really want to stop being scared of little things eventually. But I need the fear so that I can do things. I need to be limited now so I’m not as much later, and I’ll have good habits to balance out any cravings I may have so that indulgence doesn’t lead to weighted regret.

I want to come up with a name for this idealism. I’ve bought six books this week, I want to read them... and I will. I want reading to be a habit. I want staying inside to be a habit. I want skirts and dresses and heels to be a habit. I want yoga and light work to be a habit. I want a lot of things.

I’m a little worried about my connection to Kelly. I want to be like her a lot. I think her philosophy is very cool, I rewatch the same videos multiple times over the course of a few days because I just like what she says. I like how smart she is and how sure she is of things. The discipline she has is very cool, and I want to get on a similar level soon. Not her extreme methods, per say, but a similar mentality because it’s fun to mimic and very much resonates with me.

She’s really cool.

I kinda want to be cool like that.

Things Ive learned:

This crochet and I are not friends. I miss my twists and my braids to my ass. But you see, I am not going anywhere, so investing in braids to my ass at this time would be incredibly stupid and hard on the neck for no good reason.

For someone who loves books so much, reading them is quite the hassle. How awful of me to buy so many but hardly read one?!

Slightly obsessed with my closet... unsure if in a good way... I’ll have to sit down with myself and inquire if we have a problem, which I think we might, and then go from there on how to get it under control.

Speaking of closets! I still think mine could be paired down some more. Though I went through it yesterday and happily got rid of things I don’t like nor fit, I still feel like I restrained on a lot of things. I’ll have to give that another go and be harder on myself and my items.

I like minimalism a lot. I want to read more about it and find more youtubers that talk about it. It interests me a lot, not because I want to be one exactly but I want to share their sentiments and teachings. It sits very well with me and my soul. I like that feeling.

Hair being short is a no go. I don’t care what itch I gain; never again. that’s dead, if you will. Though I don’t fully regret doing this cut, because I needed to scratch the itch to learn what I didn’t like. I saw what I look like and thats that!

I get full fast. Gotta slow down the habit of stuffing my face just because I can. You know. Eat when hungry, or whatever. How do people eat three times a day? Or more? I can’t even think about it without feeling full.

I like tea. I should drink it way more often.

I need to read more as well.

Anyway, some goals before I wrap this up:

I hope to hear back from crown and remodel soon. I would really like to take on either of those projects because it’s what I want. I love those spaces and I’m hopeful to aid in their curation.

Hopeful that this cut will get into full affect by mid july. It was a bit hasty of me to start it up at the beginning knowing that all of my items hadn’t arrived yet, so returns still need to be made as well as assessments.

Fill out that damned application (BH)

Watch some barbie/princess/disney movies cause you like that shit.

Read something! What is your deal! You have fics and books to devour why are you like this!

Anyway, I think I’m on the right track. I’m trying and it feels like it’s working sometimes but other times it doesn’t. It is working though, in ways. It’s okay that I don’t always feel like it... but it is.

This is going well!

silence is the deadliest form of torture.

the title says it all doesn't it? like i mean i had a day to figure out what i did wrong, like i know you said theres nothing between us and you are not mad at me, but then why do i feel so distant from you? I know what i did wrong and every time i just want to pick up the phone and call you or text you but i know you need space, which is funny because you say theres nothing going on between us. So lets start from square one right? the part where i mentioned even though you are my blood cousin, i always considered you my actual definition of a best friend. You were always there for me in my lowest moments, seen my darkest times, and helped me actually be the sole reason why im able to smile again. All from being roughly 1700 miles away. So i guess when i admitted that to you and i started having such nervous conversations around you and i did notice you were quiet around me, ignoring my calls, like come on be real. like, obviously if you see a miss call and you dont respond to it or even text me back thats ignoring. like theres no way around it, A! thats why im a bit hurt you know? i know what i did was selfish. to assume that you were always going to be there for me when in reality, fuck it right? i mean we havent even known each other for too long, what, like 5 years if anything? you probably just see me as the “fun” california cousin and whatnot. but like, really. what. the. fuck? i was ALWAYS there for you and how i was raised WAS different yes? that no matter what the situation was no matter what problems went on, i would drop anything for you just to make sure you have someone to talk to and feel better, but when i needed you you tell me you cant be there for me and you should focus on yourself? like i understand it and all, but WHAT THE FUCK? is this your true color? is this the true you? you get where im coming from though? like if this is really you, its a nightmare you know? someone that i finally for the first time in my life put my absolute trust into, doesn't feel the same. now again, let me clarify that i know i fucked up. i was being a petty little bitch who kept pouring problems and scenarios where it doesn't involve you into them. I never once thought it might be too much for you and to be completely honest, i never thought it could ever be enough. I mean thats the idea right? of having someone as close as you? would you understand how i felt when you said that though? you knew i was more sentimental than you, i guess thats just the natural sexist persona though, males aren't suppose to have any feelings, they are supposed to always be strong and its a one way street when the girl vents to the guy right? if thats how it is really supposed to be then ill go back to it, to keep quiet to myself and just let it fade. But just know that really hurt, A. and whats worse is theres nothing from you anymore, just silence. no snaps, texts, calls, asking how im doing or if im up. and it really makes me mad. im just gonna be blunt bc i have so much disarray in my thoughts right now. like fuck man it really did hurt me and im mad and sad and upset and just confused. like where is it supposed to go from here? you see what the outcome was when you said that to me? its like, do you want me to move? are you waiting 10 months to find a good excuse to push me away and not have me move? are you trying to just cut me off completely and just finding the right words? i get it right? we are family, so word will get around and you dont want to be the reason you hurt me, but you dont know how else to say it right? so by just giving me the silent treatment and just disappearing from my life you want me to grow apart from you with my own hatred forming in my heart. NO. i dont believe that, i dont believe that you are a bad person, through anything. you have way too much passion in your heart to do that to me. What do i do then A? guide me. i need guidance, im not asking you to hold my hand, im asking for just a sign, a sign to show we truly are as you say on the same page and still close. because i dont feel it anymore and the lingering effect it has on me, with so many scenarios and outcomes replaying over and over are dismantling my very core of my belief in you. Not even just my belief in you, my belief in humanity, how when the going gets tough its ok to just bounce? and never be heard from again? LIKE again dude. i get it, pharmacy school and being 1 F away from failing the program is such a huge task, but did i ever say im gonna distant myself from you so you can pursue it? no, what did i say? i said NO MATTER WHAT, ill always be there for you. family is more important than a career, at least to me. i will never ever hate you if i lose my career to be there for you. thats why im mad, confused, sad, and clueless why you believe that your idea is correct. “it sounds selfish but im sorry if i cant be sympathetic or caring as you want me to be, i need to focus on myself” that stung, almost as much as “i dont feel comfortable weighing in on your important life decisions” like THE FUCK? do you know how much things stick to me? i cant just brush it off and forget it like you can. i cant just go oh okay see ya around next time. ill dwell on it, let the worst thoughts eat me up inside, and honestly its justifiable to dwell on that situation. like DUDE, my or at least IN MY EYES, the only person i can really call my cousin/bestfriend/hero just says no thanks? not interested.? how do you think that makes me feel A,? better yet how do you think im gonna react to it?>> everytime i see and hear from you i get really happy. just remember that, if we grow apart, ill never forget you A,. hopefully i really am just overthinking all this, see you soon, and hopefully i dont just waste my time and drag you down.. i just wish you were able to see my fear and be here for me. im sorry for being a brat about it. but i only want you to somehow see this and dont push me away like some ugly monster, but to just let me be a brat and let me hold onto ya for a bit. weird as fuck because im a guy and your a girl and its strange to know that a guy needs your help? is that why youre mad? idk. just know i need you here for me, and its antagonizing know you dont want to be..