genuinely curious, and probably will agree but on your tags for the post about mental illness terms being used trivially you said that it’s basically impossible to self diagnosis dissociation- genuinely i want to know why you think that

my stance is that its pretty much impossible to distinguish dissociation from other potential symptoms in any meaningful way without professional guidance, for a few reasons:

for one, its a widely misunderstood symptom even in actual psychiatric circles, and on top of that any legitimate information you might be able to find is surrounded by 100 times more tumblr-infographic-style misinformation and for most people it is straight up impossible to tell the difference

you (general) might be inclined to think 'i know not to trust infographics i would be able to tell', but the sheer volume of misinformation has saturated the field so completely that its plastered on very official looking websites, and even some more trustworthy sources, so a discerning eye wont save anyone

the average person simply will not be able to sift through the hogwash to any legitimate resources without direction from someone who knows what theyre looking for, no matter how savvy they might be. no one is immune

if you do somehow manage to separate the wheat from the chaff, the next issue is that dissociation is a wildly nebulous human experience, and the way it presents overlaps with about one million other things that are all managed in completely disparate ways. a treatment for dissociation might make someones actual problem much worse, or drive them to hopelessness if it doesnt change their symptoms at all. its a huge risk that i just dont think is worth it

this answer is already long as hell but ending on the usual disclaimers that im aware diagnoses are prohibitively expensive and also i cant stop anyone from doing anything. but i will have opinions about it. as is my right

I'm still thinking about what Nora wrote in the recent Thea Muldani post, and it has me reeling in the best way possible.

I feel like it could have been an important moment for Thea - when Jean started following her around after joining the Ravens bcs. She was a black woman in that mess of a place and it was *hard* and as Nora said, nobody gave a flipping fuck about her really. No matter the effort she put in.

She fought hard for every little slip of recognition and approval. But still, no matter how good, she was nothing to the others on the team, even people she must've been in some way intimate with, even if in a shallow way. Then, though, everyone knows Kevin and Riko, and how above everyone else on the team they are. The standing is written plainly on their cheeks, so that no one forgets it, and the number on her jersey is far, far from theirs.

But then, there's the third guy. None of them really knew much about Jean before he joined them in his freshman year, did they? Maybe im forgetting something, but to my knowledge from all we know, Jean was not a celebrity kid, but a dirty secret for the Moriyamas. So, there's this other guy, who has a number 3 appointed to him by the Master himself, and from all possible people to follow, he is there right at her heels whenever he can. He did it bcs she was that good, and he wanted to get pointers to assimilate with the teams work smoothly enough to not get more punishment than he already was receiving but, Thea doesn't really know this does she? Not about the punishment and most likely not about the fact they do think she's good enough to be noticed by the perfect court either. It's not riko who's noticing, but it's still something, isn't it? So yeah, I think they must be maybe not friends exactly, but in some weird way, it must be some kind of landmark for them both. Maybe that will turn into a kind of friendship years later in a healthier setting?

But again, imagine the mess of that: Jean is always with Riko and Kevin, except when he's following the girl everyone around is trying to put "in her place". And he matters in some way, he must, because standing is everything in the nest, and he's right after the sons of exy.

I dont think it makes Thea "stand a bit taller" or feel stronger or whatever, bcs she knows she is strong and talented and is worth being here. Or at least she tries to remember that her belief in herself is what got her here. Her faith must come from within. But everyone still needs the recognition of all that hard work. To not burn out. At least every once in a while, especially in a place so devoid of it as the Nest. And maybe Jean was the person to first show that recognition to her, without even knowing it?

The “average male alter in an AFAB body experiences 30 gender dysphorias a day” factoid is actually just a statistical error. The average male alter experiences 0 gender dysphorias a day. Gender Dysphoria Georg who lives in a cave, and eats 1,000,000 gender dysphorias a day, is an outlier and shouldn’t be counted.

-host

Here are the Thoughts™️I promised @discordkittenterumi

This post is a much longer follow to this post from last night as I was listening to episode 60.

This post is also in conversation with with something @peppedstep mentioned about Neil’s loyalty to the coterie, which I touch on briefly.

Everything sort of solidified in my brain after finishing 60 at like 2 am last night.

In 60, we see Neil wake up in a strange place with Weathers and Amara with him. The last thing he remembers is running from his sire which seems to be several days ago.

Neil also does not remember much of Baghdad (which is a whole separate post that is coming. I have many thoughts about Nara and Neil in that situation).

He routinely has panic attacks, some of which lead to dissociation. For example, before his trial in 37 and 38, we see him go catatonic when he realizes his haven is under attack. Dissociation is not usually something that happens to someone once and then never again. It’s a coping mechanism, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say it’s something he experiences, perhaps not regularly, but with some sort of frequency.

In addition, many of his rituals require his mind to be separated from his body, and we know kalif also impacts his cognitive function as also seen in Baghdad. He has the capability of astral projecting which leaves his body behind, defenseless. The ritual with the bull in 6, he had others stay nearby just in case something were to happen. The second time he completes the ritual, Johnny escorts him.

Neil is often dependent on the people around him to keep him safe, and we see him repeatedly look to others for their judgement before he makes a decision on his own. He looks to Nara to trust Jubair, and he looks to Amara to trust Catherine and this mission. In these two cases in particular, he’s forced to rely on others’ assessments of the situation because he cannot make his own. In addition, relies on Britta and Miles to defend him in court while Johnny and Wynn take care of his haven. He also places an immense amount of trust in the coterie and their decisions, generally speaking.

Peppedstep mentioned that family is important to Neil, the coterie is important to Neil. He consistently revolves around the idea of keeping them together and spending their final nights together. I agree, but to add another layer to that, Neil trusts everyone in the coterie, and as has often been discussed, trust is an extremely rare commodity for Kindred, and in some cases doesn’t exist at all. What Neil has with the coterie almost seems to be unprecedented given the general picture of the Camarilla and Kindred society the audience is presented with. He knows these people will protect him and/or his body when he is unable to.

I would imagine, without them, his quality of life would be diminished, and all it would take is one mistake, one bad episode, for him to meet final death or another horrible fate, especially considering his abilities. It was a stroke of luck that Amara and Weathers picked Neil up.

His drug use, mental health issues, and magical abilities all work closely together to form a complex web of memory loss and a distrust of his own opinions. Even further, I would argue that his memory loss contributes to his lack of a sense of identity.

I believe it’s been mentioned a few times that Neil doesn’t really have a strong sense of identity (I am not going to sort through all 60 episodes to find those sources though, sorry! I do think it might have been brought up at the party when Fester was preparing him?), and that’s proven by how he talks about his worth early on when Wynn confronts him after the bull ritual. He, and I am paraphrasing here, believes he is useful because he can provide the coterie with knowledge. Later on, he mentions that Miles kept him around because of his specific abilities which again, his worth is tied up in his usefulness to people.

This mentality is compounded by his early history with his sire. In 51 or 52 (I can’t remember which and I’m not going to look it up), it’s described that Neil looks at his sire the way one might look at an abusive parent. Neil is absolutely terrified of this person even now. Based on Neil’s nonconfrontational personality, some of his coping mechanisms in the face of this abuse could easily be making himself small, agreeing with his sire, etc. leading to the people-pleasing nature we see in Neil now. Peppedstep also posited that Neil could have been Embraced to be made in his sire’s image. We know he is a loner, we know he has visions, and maybe he also feels the need for family in his own demented way. Regardless of if that is true, Neil’s sire had a massive effect on who Neil became as a Kindred and without question would influence his sense of identity. If Peppedsteps’s theory is true, then Neil’s sire would have stripped away any sense of who he was to remake him in his image.

TLDR: Neil has memory loss from a combination of drug use, mental health issues, and magical abilities which make him reliant on others for his safety in certain circumstances and further exacerbate his lack of a sense of identity.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

today's the 17th of december, which is not only my birthday but also marks the beginning of Richard's terrible, terrible winter break

UwU any spoilers for the next chapter,,

I have meant to do this multiple times but keep forgetting so here's an extra long snippet in apology! It's basically the entire start of the next chapter ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Damn. Your indulgent TV stalking of the Wayne’s really doesn’t hit the same once you technically knew them. And you were hiding inside one of their bedrooms, inside one of their clothes, using their TV subscription. It just didn’t feel right. Morally, of course, but that wasn’t what you were talking about. No, you were just pissy your favourite passtime was basically ruined. You shovel another spoonful of cookie dough ice cream into your mouth, glaring through tired eyes at the screen.

There’s an up close shot of Dick Grayson’s abs. The presenter ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ over his physical form, and you have to agree. You wish you had abs like that. Unfortunately you did respond to most unwanted experiences with stress eating. As always with these celebrity figures, you can’t really tell if you want to be Dick or be with Dick. Your butt is nowhere near the level his is at.

While you hadn’t really set out today looking for shirtless pictures of the Waynes, it wasn’t like you were going to say no to them. So, when the gossip channel had switched from the reactions of the Waynes to last night’s fiasco to… this… you’d just kept watching.

You wonder if you should stop doing this. It’s definitely kind of creepy, and now you’d technically once been his… step sister. What a mind fuck. You’ve been crushing on these dudes for a while, and now they were your ex-step siblings. This was like the start of a bad porno, but you knew you were not that lucky. And it wasn’t like you were going to start thinking of him as a brother any time soon. You hadn’t even met the guy. No, he was still firmly in the ‘celebrity crush’ section of your mind. Pretty and untouchable. The way things are supposed to be.

Which was also bad because you would probably have to meet and interact with him at some point. Probably in the near future. God knows you’d absolutely humiliated yourself in front of the fucking Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne,. Twice, in fact. You didn’t even want to think about the display you’d shown for Bruce Wayne or Damian Wayne.

You didn’t really know what to do with your slightly obsessive crushes. And you could see it definitely being a problem in the near future.

…You decide that what you do in your private time is absolutely nobody but yours business, and keep watching. It’s a mix of bitter spite and geniune mental breakdown levels of desperation that leads you to that decision. You feel like you’re a child with their toy being taken away, and it’s making you mad. And sad too. Even if you shouldn’t do this anymore, you still wanted to keep the habit. You’d mentioned before your creature comforts were one of the few things that kept you going. And while you were mostly very good at not being the jealous, heinous creature you really are, you knew you wouldn’t be giving this up.

They’d have to tear your gossip channels from your cold dead palms. You weren’t giving them up, not without a fight at least. Unfortunately for you, the universe seemed determined to wrestle away literally everything you loved.

Guilt’s for tomorrow. Today is for ice cream and purposefully ignoring everything. Speaking of which, you can not remember the last time you had a good Ben & Jerry’s. They were so expensive these days, as all groceries were. You simply couldn’t afford it. The Waynes, of course, had multiple tubs in multiple different options. Alfred had seemed delighted that you’d taken the ice cream, for which reasons you could not perceive.

Oh, yeah! His name was Alfred. Very butler-y. You’d remember it this time, he was a very nice man. And he called you ‘young miss’ which earned him points. He also didn’t seem to hate you on sight, or treat you like a two-headed freak, like some of the other people in this household. Not naming names. Yeah, fuck that noise, Damian Wayne obviously has issues and it’s much less attractive in real life.

The woman drones on, and your eyes flick to your phone. Yup, she’s still yapping. It’s not like you don’t appreciate Dick’s abs or anything, it’s just that you think she might’ve been talking about this one specific photo for over half an hour now. Lady should get a hobby. Wait, wait, this is her job. Maybe you should start a podcast where you rant about the Wayne’s excercise regimes. It seems to be quite a lucrative field.

You shriek when the door slams open, nearly tumbling backwards off the bed. Hands manage to grip the bedcovers before you tip over, not making a complete fool of yourself. As it goes, you lose your spoon to the carpet. Bits of cookie dough spread over the floor in a divine sacrifice. And you lose your sanity to the man standing in the doorway. To be fair, he looks just as confused as you feel.

You blink at the physically perfect form of Dick Grayson, and then turn your head to the TV to look at the other physically perfect form of Dick Grayson.

…You really wish you had a good explanation for this.

He mutters out your name, lips parted. Dick Grayson seems absolutely shocked to find you here. His eyes flick around the room, and eventually land on the TV. Said baby blues widen to the size of saucers when the reporter makes a really, really unneccesary comment.

“And in news that broke the hearts of both ladies and gentlemen everywhere in Bludhaven, Dick Grayson has announced he will be returning to Gotham to assist his family in this difficult time. My cousin in the Blud is probably crying right now. There’s no ass out there quite like his, and there’s no replacement for Bludhaven’s favourite young rich bachelor,” she winks at the camera, and then the shot of his tone stomach phases forward to take up the entire screen.

Well, there’s a lot to say about that. First of all, fuck. Second of all, shit. Third of all, she really couldn’t have said that part about Dick coming back to Gotham sooner? Per chance, before you’d found yourself in this situation?

You said you weren’t that lucky, you meant it.

“But still, ain’t that lucky for us Gothamites? I myself have spent a lot of time on Dick’s Tiktok and Instagram, and his thirst traps have been used in a lot of my personal-”

You snatch the remote from the sheets and pause it right there. The silence is tense.

.

ive been a snappy asshole to our family today bc our body is in so much pain and theyre calling me out for acting ""out of character"" and ""not like myself"" like.. sorry we have different people in our head who act differently in the same situations, unfortunately, i have a low frustration threshold unlike teo, im not sorry either >:(

🖤🥰 Happy bunny

i often call my dissociation 'autopilot' because it works well as an explanation but my god do i feel like an actual robot on autopilot these days. not just because 'i'm not in control of myself' or whatever, that's normal, but because i feel like the autopilot is beginning to break down. i've been zoned out for so long that it's run out of normal behavior to reference, so it's referencing what was a shoddy replica to begin with, and that results in a lot of oddities

mostly i've been noticing myself happily responding to people without actually even looking in their direction. like my eyes and head will just lock and i'll go a whole conversation animatedly replying while looking in the wrong spot (i'm usually very good about eye contact, or at the very least looking at people). also my reaction time / processing speed is waaaay slowed to the point where i'm starting to get nervous about driving so. that's cool

You know what I love more than just heroes and villains going up against each other is when the hero and villain have a certain respect and acknowledgement to the other, have a special relationship or connection with the other, or just a general interest that's between just THOSE TWO GUYS and not anybody else Grandfather Spider Morganthe Schismist Soldier Duncan Grimwater

Like I could easily see the YW teaming up with almost any of those people (see: only GFS and Morganthe the other two are crazy) not out of maliciousness or because they switched sides but because they're just compatible with them in ways where it just makes sense. Like for example the YW fighting back-to-back with Morganthe or having in depth magical discussions with her because we understand her on a level no one else does. Like in a crazy season finale where the Savior of the Spiral would not even Dream of Ever Working With Those Ruffians but when they have to they're like so magical (no pun intended) together because they just click. Like in the original Teen Titans where Deathstroke and Robin were like fighting in Hell together and they were on the SAME WAVELENGTH despite being bitter enemies THAT'S THE SHIT I LIKE. I think maybe that's the reason why I resonate more with these guys than Malistaire because imo it's just so much more interesting and emotional when we get two people on opposite sides of the morale scale able to come together and work so fluently. This is also me saying I want a Schismist Soldier and YW Roommate Sitcom.

Plural Culture is knowing I'll never actually have my own friends. I don't need friends, and I don't really care to make any, it's not a part of my job. But I think about it sometimes

I know the hosts friends, but they're not really people I would be friends with on my own

I also know that even if given the chance I couldn't make friends, because my job is to be mean. That's my whole role

I exist so the others don't have to deal with the guilt of being angry and dickish

It's rare that I'll ever admit this shit, but I do really wish I could've been someone else. I don't like be angry

Sometimes I just want friends

- Constantine

im watching youtube and this absolutely ridiculous joke will not get out of my brain so you guys get it

when someone says "we're gonna XYZ" you gotta make a determination: are they plural or just a let's-player

-the host

I just finished Chasing Dawn (The Alters) by Terra Katherine McKeown  and aaaaaa!!!!

aaaaaaa!!!!! It so good!!!!

I don't have the time right now to write up the review, but if you want a thrilling urban fantasy with a really cool take on DID and magic, please check this out, it's so so cool!!! I am Hooked! I Am Compelled! In less pages than other certain books I've read, I'm so much more connected to each of the alters and their personal journies, as well as the magical lore.

If you check it out, please be mindful that there's some detailed fight scenes that get pretty bloody, implied sexual abuse and a chapter detailing ritual abuse(the chapter is titled Sigils and Scars Faded). I'll do a more detailed TW list when I can write my review

But yeah!!!! I loved this one

playing neko atsume in line at the grocery store to stave off grocery store induced panic attack

we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.