#I've been journaling more again as well and I've noticed that when we feel better we tend to write more often and in more detail | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sparrowrye · 4 months

Text

Alastor x Fem! Reader {soulmates} Part 7

Synopsis: soulmate AU where you have the same mark on your body as your soulmate, and if your soulmate dies, you die too. Alastor needs to make sure that his soulmate is safe so he can continue his reign - whatever that takes. Though it looks like we have a couple secrets of our own.

Part 7: pushing boundaries

Previous Part

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I reached down to touch the cold, soft cloud. I swayed side to side and looked under me to see my trail along the cloud's surface. I was giggly with the rush of cold air in my lungs. I loved flying.

I flapped up once then dove into the cloud. My heart lurched at the momentary blindness but I came out underneath it to see the ocean beneath me. I looked up to see Husker's bright red wings cutting through the cloud after me. Both our wings were a stark contrast of the beautiful white and blue sky.

Husker was always willing to go on a fly with me. We made it a morning routine. It gave me a lot of exercise since I had to hold up my entire body with my core. It left everything sore but in a good way.

Landing was still rough, though. I glided down and tripped over my own feet while Husker slowed enough to perch exactly where he wanted. He smiled at me, his canine tooth sticking out of his smile.

I lunged at him. He rolled on his back and threw me over with his feet. Roughhousing with him was fun, usually leading into a magic showdown. The goal was to get them the opponent on the ground for five seconds.

I never won. But I did make Husker work for it.

I landed hard on my back and let out a gasp. A few seconds later Husker came into view with a side smile. "You know you'd probably do a lot better if you actually tried to hurt me like before."

"I didn't like you before." I groaned as I pulled myself to a sitting position.

"How kind." He held his hand out and helped me to my feet. I shook my body free of dirt and looked forward to a warm shower.

As we headed back to the house, I noticed Alastor stalking from the porch again. My eyes narrowed and I kept my attention on the door. I ignored him and went upstairs to my bedroom. Ever since he corrected me in the library, I've been ignoring him entirely.

Showering was a new venture with my demon form. I had cut myself a few times with my own claws when washing my hair. It also seemed to constantly tangle around my horns if I didn't have it pulled back. Not to mention the shower was small and I had large wings. They seemed to grow with every day.

I would be meeting Rosie again tonight. I had a journal full of things to tell her. I was slowly seeing more and more memories through my dreams. They were simple scenarios, often abusive, but surely they had something hidden in them.

I followed Alastor behind the house later that evening. I hated when he grabbed me by the waist instead of the shoulders like he used to do. It infuriated me when he would snatch it back before I could shove it off myself. He usually left me at Rosie's then disappeared into the shadows.

Rosie listened to my synopsis of my dreams with amazing patience. Once I had finished, she placed her cup down and asked, "When you dream of your mother, is there a color you often see?"

I was quiet for a moment as I thought about it. "Well...I mean there's lots of red...the walls are always red or brown. But...I don't know...I think...maybe there's some deep blues?”

"Hm...interesting."

"Why?"

"Conjure up that fork in your hand for me, dearie." I focused in on the fork, unsure of how to use teleporting yet. So I did the next best thing and sent it flying into my hand. "Did you notice there was a glow on it?"

"What? A glow?"

Rosie nodded. "Try again. Watch carefully."

This time I tried moving it more slowly. I could see a faint, blue glow surrounding it as it drew near. I watched it for a long moment for looking up at Rosie for an explanation.

"I have a strong feeling that...maybe...perhaps...your mother casted the curse on you."

"What?" I looked between Rosie and the fork. "No she didn't. She was trapped in those fights just like me! She wouldn't handicap my powers like that if it was the difference between living and dying."

"Maybe she did it to protect you. In your memories, you constantly talk about looking over her shoulder. She may have hiding you."

I looked down at my black claws. "Do you think...if the curse is active, does that mean she's alive?"

"I’m afraid not, sweetheart. A curse can stay on someone until they die." She stood to put a hand on my shoulder. "What about your father? Do you have any memories of him?"

I shook my head. "I don't know what he looks like. I don't...I wouldn't know how to pick him out in my dreams. He probably died in a ring fight."

"Or perhaps he escaped. There's still hope, dearie. Let's try looking again."

Our memory search yielded nothing. Though Rosie says I've unraveled more of the curse with the practicing of magic. She reassured me that I was doing everything possible to help my case.

"How's living with Alastor?" she asked abruptly. I coughed on the tea and covered my mouth with a napkin. "Ooh, that doesn’t sound too pretty."

"It's..." I tapped my claws on the glass. "It's uh...it's something."

Rosie laughed. "Oh you sweet thing. You're being so polite. Come, tell Auntie Rosie what it's really like living with him. I know how he can be."

I held my suspicions. "He's uh...Husker and I fixed up the house together. It was practically falling apart."

"Needed a ladies touch, hm?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

"How's he treating you? I'll straighten that man out if he's not treating you like the proper lady you are." My mind jumped to the library and my first escape attempt.

"He's been...alright. He seems to be impatient with me a lot."

"Goodness that man," she huffed. I noticed a shadow appear along the wall behind her. It was Alastor's shadow. "Don't worry dear, I'll tell that old man to mind his manners with you."

"Come now, I'm not that old." Alastor stepped out from behind her chair. She laughed and crossed her arms as she faced him.

"Be patient with your soulmate, Alastor. She's still learning a lot."

"Not to worry, Rosie, I've been very patient with her. Like you said, she has a lot to learn and who better to teach her than me." He casted a glare in my direction. I rubbed my sweaty palms together.

"You betta. Us girls have our own language and I'll know if you weren't being kind to such a sweet thing like her." She hugged me tightly.

"Of course, my lady," Alastor bowed his head to her. "Well, we must be heading home now." He held out his hand for me. The two taller adults watched me, waiting. I clenched my teeth and took his dark red hand. "Good day, Rosie."

"Good day, Alastor." She held the door open for us. I kept my eyes on the ground as we walked over to the scorched symbol. Rosie waved goodbye as we turned to face her. Alastor lifted my hand up and grabbed it with his other one. He placed his hand on my hip and pulled me close. My lips nearly pulled back into a snarl as he smiled down at my discomfort.

The smell of the ocean reached my nose first. My feet touched earth and I immediately shoved him away. He grabbed both my wrists and held them at his shoulder height. "Now is that anyway to treat your soulmate?"

"You surely don't know how to treat one," I snarled, letting my sharp teeth show.

"You make it difficult to with this defiance of yours." He let go of one arm to twiddle his claws in my face.

"Oh right," I scoffed, "I completely forgot. I'm not being held here against my will."

"Not anymore, you're not." He let go. "You came back willingly the night you reunited with your old master."

My tail whipped back and forth. "You're not a savior! You're anything but one. I'm perfectly capable of living on my own. Especially with my new magic."

"Magic you don't yet have control over. And a form you have yet to master for long periods of time. You wouldn't last one week as a young, naive Demon in this world."

"I'm not naive." My claws elongated and my wings grew bigger. My hands emitted a purple glow that rang along my entire body. "I learned just fine how to survive for five years on my own. I know how to handle myself!"

"Do not raise your voice at me." Red stitches appeared on the corners of his mouth and his antlers grew to the size of an elk. His body portions grew inhumanly and he towered above me in seconds. My ears flattened against my head and I bent low to the ground.

He can't kill you. He can't kill you. He can't kill you.

"I'm a human with my own free will." My voice quivered. I had yet to see him distort like this.

"You're a Demon." His arms grew even longer and his huge claws slammed down on either side of me. "A Demon without proper training on her magic. You are a danger to others and yourself." His face slowly came closer to mine. His mouth stopped moving as he spoke, instead his yellow teeth pulsing when he did.

I sprouted my wings and shot myself out from under him. He reached for me but I was too fast with my wings and wind magic. I dove backwards over the cliff and nearly fell into the sharp rocks at the bottom. I pushed myself over with wind and caught myself at the last second. Pain shot through my back at the force of the stop.

I boosted myself further away from the cliff and looked over my shoulder. My face paled at the sight of Alastor growing bigger than the house. I suddenly regretted my choice to run.

I clenched my teeth and flew higher up. I was in it now. I was a Full mage. If my magic was as untamed as he claimed, that meant I was unpredictable.

Black tentacles sprouted from his back and flew at me. I barely missed the first and the second slammed painfully into my foot. I dove down then pushed myself up into the gray clouds. The night sky would help provide cover.

At least, that's what I thought before his red eyes lifted above the clouds, sending a red light across their surfaces. His pupils were a radio dial but I knew that didn't lessen his sight. His sharp teeth appeared next.

I stopped flapping and fell back through the clouds. The tentacles were still there and came at me at inhuman speed. I couldn't evade them as they slammed into my face and chest. Fire did little and they wrapped around my legs and waist within seconds. I flapped furiously and dug my claws into their squishy skin.

The tentacles pulled me back towards the house. Alastor's terrifying figure shrunk the closer the tentacles drew me in. My flailing lessened as he returned to the state I recognized.

The tentacles pulled me in faster and he stuck out his clawed hand, enclosing around my throat. The black things unwrapped from me and pulled on my wings. My feet barely touched the ground as he held me way too close to the edge. His hand was securely under my jaw and digging into my skin so I started to bleed.

"You need to accept the fact that you will never leave this place for the rest of your life," he said with radio static behind his voice. He let me down so my feet were flat on the ground but so he could tower over me. I put one hand on his wrist and the other arm across his chest to keep him away.

"I'm growing tired of your antics. These little outbursts of yours will stop today." It was more terrifying that he was smiling through his anger. I leaned away despite the sheer drop beneath me, and he only followed never more than an inch away. "If you don't want me to treat you like a caged pet, I suggest you apologize and quit it with this delusion of yours."

His smile was wide and his breath smelled like roadkill. He dug his claws further into the wound he created, making me wince. "I'm-I'm sorry." He held me over the edge for several heartbeats. Eventually he pulled me away but didn't let get off my neck.

"I never want to hear you mention anything about leaving here, again. To me or to Husker. Do you understand?"

I wanted to cough from the way he was holding me but I held it in. The tentacles were still pulling onto my wings and pulling them painfully down. My resignation made my shoulders fall. "Perfectly."

He let go. I turned to the side to cough, clutching at my bleeding neck. I felt the wounds closing but the blood was still plastered to my skin.

"Good talk." His cane appeared in one hand and he put the other behind his back. His voice sounded chipper again. "Come, dear, let's clean you up." He held his hand out towards the house, looking at me sideways. I took a deep breath and walked past. He walked close behind me.

#alastor the radio demon #alastor x reader #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel #soulmate au #soulmates #hazbin husk

116 notes · View notes

marmorafarms · 1 year

Text

"Good Boy" Sebastian x Cis female reader

This fic was requested by the lovely @darlingsama630

18+ ONLY please and thank you!

Summary: After a family dinner with the parents, you and Sebastian go home. Sebastian wants to know if he had been a good boy. You decide to respond accordingly.

Word count: 2,294 words

Warnings/content: fem dom, soft dom, sub Sebastian, face sitting, orgasm denial, cis female reader

I hope you enjoy!

"Thank you for dinner tonight Robin," you said warmly to your mother-in-law as you packed up to go home. You and Sebastian had been invited over to celebrate Demetrius' 50th birthday with a small get together. Demetrius was never one for huge celebrations, preferring to spend this time with family and family only.

"No need to thank me," Robin said kindly. "I'm just so glad you and Sebby showed up."

You turned to Demetrius, and shot him a gentle smile. "Happy Birthday Demetrius," you said. "I hope you had a great one!"

"Well, that rice pudding you made for me certainly made it better!" Demetrius said good naturedly. "I especially appreciated how practical your gift was. I always need a new journal to write notes in, and I hate frivolous items."

Robin rolled her eyes behind his back. Everyone in the room remembered with clarity the argument Robin and Demetrius had last year in front of the whole family. It was in regards to the new bed she had made. Demetrius had scoffed at how she chose beauty over function…though you still didn't understand that. It still did the job, it just looked pretty.

The whole situation had been awkward, and Demetrius left in a huff when you softly agreed with Robin that it was indeed a lovely bed. Maru had stared at the floor the whole time while Sebastian and Robin looked smug.

Sebastian had suggested you get him a pack of pencils since Demetrius always got annoyed when given anything that was deemed "not useful." You gave Sebastian a look, and he grumbled out that the two of you could buy him something a bit more personalized.

"You know," Robin said in a low voice as she walked you out the door, "You have been a fantastic influence on my son. To think your marriage started out with our husbands arguing over which spoon size was best…and has now bloomed into a wonderful birthday dinner without a single argument! Whatever magic you're working, keep it up!"

You laughed lightly, looking fondly at Sebastian who was politely pretending to understand an obscure science joke Maru had just made.

"I'll do my best," you said, and Robin grinned.

"I think it's your sweet and gentle nature that cools his heat," Robin mused. "I've never heard you raise your voice. When I first met you, I don't think I even heard you speak more than a few words to anyone in town!"

"I'm a bit shy, I'll admit it," you said bashfully. "I'm so grateful that this town has truly accepted me."

With one last hug from Robin and Maru, and a firm handshake with Demetrius, you and Sebastian headed back to the farmhouse. You talked casually about how it was nice to have everyone together again. Sebastian even made jokes about Harvey being at the next family dinner. But you both solemnly agreed that Demetrius would be passive aggressive about dating getting in the way of Maru's dreams so…maybe Harvey wouldn't show up after all.

When the door closed behind the two of you as you entered the living room, you could feel the mood shift. You went about your nighttime routine as usual, pretending not to notice a thing. As you were putting your clothes in the hamper, Sebastian cleared his throat.

Here we go, you thought to yourself.

"So," Sebastian said, standing at the foot of the bed, "Was I good?"

You kept your face neutral, but inside you were cheering, jumping up and down and throwing confetti. He was doing it.

The first time you had asked him to be good had ended in Demetrius and Sebastian nearly getting into a fist fight over who got to use the little spoon at the table.

"You were terrible tonight!" You had hissed at him when you got home.

"He was asking for it!" Sebastian said, arms thrown wide.

"You are 25, not 12!" You barked out. "I should punish you for this!"

At these words, Sebastian had gone still. The two of you were eyeing each other, both wondering the same thing.

"Maybe you should," Sebastian said evenly.

You walked over to your closet and pulled out a large box you had never shown him before. He had never asked about it, and you hadn't been sure when would be the right time to bring it up. You were aware of Sebastian's kinkier side, but this?

Rummaging around, you finally found what you were looking for, and presented the item to him. "You have to wear this," you said simply, "until you apologize to Demetrius."

Sebastian's eyes went wide. You were nervous, but you refused to let it show.

"A cock cage?" he asked, staring at it warily.

"Yes. I'll keep the key, and will unlock it only when you apologize to your step father."

Sebastian thought about it, and then nodded.

"Doesn't seem that bad to me."

Oh how wrong he was.

The poor boy couldn't cum for a whole week because his stubborn streak was preventing him from apologizing. When he finally gave in and was allowed to orgasm, it was one of the best he'd ever had.

That had started your play with orgasm denial. But when it came to meetings with Demetrius, you got to decide if he was good or bad. You had started doing a new thing for that situation. It didn't take the wizard much convincing to make you a bracelet that would prevent the user from being able to have any sexual pleasure. No sex, no masturbation, no nothing. It would deliver an electric shock every time the perso tried to get off. Sebastian was willing to try it out, curiosity winning over apprehension.

The best part was, only the person who put it on could take it off. You typically had him wear it for an entire week as punishment, and got great results.

But if he was good…

You pondered Sebastian's question for a moment and then turned to him.

"For the most part," you said.

"What…what do you mean?" he asked, fear in his eyes. You let out a low chuckle.

"You don't need to worry kitten," you said, using the name you only gave him in this situation, "you won't have to wear the bracelet. But you didn't wish your step dad a happy birthday. That's not what a good boy does."

"I'm sorry Miss," he said, ducking his head. "I should've done better."

"Should-a, could-a, would-a, DIDN'T," you said, narrowing your eyes. "You'll get your reward for not being a brat at dinner. But you still need to be reprimanded."

You walked over, and grabbed his jaw forcefully making him look at you. "Good boys get to cum. Bad boys don't. You know the rules."

"But…"

"I don't want to hear your voice," you said, letting go. "Strip."

Sebastian did as asked, quickly discarding his clothes in a heap. You looked him over, disapproval on your face, but lust in your heart. He had the body of a Greek god, and you lived to see him naked. You loved it when he sent you lewds, and on the rare occasion, full nudes.

But now wasn't the time to drool over his body. You had work to do.

"On the bed," you snapped, and in an instant he was sitting in the center.

"Eyes closed," you said. "I'm going to undress, but you don't get to look. Open your eyes once and you wear the bracelet. Got it?"

Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut and nodded.

"I asked a question," you snarled.

"Yes Miss, I understand," he said quickly. Pleased with his response, you slowly removed your clothing, making sure that he could hear the rustling of fabric. His dusky pink cock was rising to attention as he sat there, clearly listening closely. You knew he was imagining what you were doing, and it was an ego boost to know that the mere thought of you was making him hard.

You climbed onto the bed, and heard him whimper.

"Eyes stay shut kitten," you said softly. "Now lie back."

Sebastian got down on his back, and you climbed on top. You knew exactly what you were going to do, and were excited to begin.

"If you touch me, or buck your hips, you wear the bracelet for two weeks," you said firmly. Sebastian let out a whine, squirming slightly.

"Yes Miss," he said.

"Repeat to me what you won't do."

"I won't touch or–ahh!" he gasped, eyes nearly opening.

Your pussy was on his cock, and you were moving your hips, rubbing yourself along his length. He was lost for words, absorbed in the sensation.

"I said repeat what you won't do," you said calmly, continuing your movements.

"I-I won't…touch or…or b-buck my hips," he moaned out.

"That's right," you said. You leaned forward and rubbed your thumbs over his nipples. Sebastian was panting hard. You could feel his hips stutter as he forced himself not to move. He was trying so hard to be good for you.

You finally moved from his cock, and frowned as he spoke.

"What did you say?" you snapped.

There was a deadly silence. Sebastian had a lot of room to fuck up right now, and he knew it. Lying was not an option.

"I…I asked why you were stopping," he said meekly.

"I don't remember asking you to speak," you said. "Let's put your mouth to better use."

Sebastian was practically vibrating with anticipation as you positioned yourself, lowering your pussy down to meet his mouth. His arms jerked, but ultimately stayed still. You knew he was desperate to hold your hips.

"Lick," you commanded.

If there was one thing your man was good at, it was eating pussy. He had been a natural from the start, and the first time he ate you out you flat out refused to believe he hadn't done it before.

You moaned as his tongue explored your folds, darting inside you before flicking your clit. You rocked against his face, and you felt him groan in pleasure. The vibrations from his noises made you bite your lip, eyes fluttering shut.

Your hips rocked faster as you chased your orgasm. Any time you let out a word of praise, Sebastian moaned and licked faster. You liked feeding into his praise kink, it made everything so much better.

Crying out in pleasure, you let your orgasm overtake you. Sebastian continued to lap at you, your cum drenching his face. As you got off of him, you could see how painfully hard he was. It took all your self control not to slide down onto him.

"You did such a good job kitten," you said, and Sebastian flushed with pride. "Felt so good." You settled in between his legs and ran a finger down his length. Sebastian shivered.

"You even managed to keep your eyes closed," you said. "Since you've been doing well…you can open them."

Sebastian's eyes opened, pupils blown with lust as he looked you over. His eyes roamed greedily, and you knew he wanted to touch.

"Do you want something?" you asked.

Sebastian gulped. "Yes Miss," he said.

"What do you want?" you asked. "Good boy's use their words."

"Wanna…wanna touch you. Want you to ride me and let me touch you," he panted out. You raised an eyebrow at these words.

"You think you deserve it?" you asked.

"I've…I've been good!" Sebastian pouted. "Only a little bad…but I've been good!"

He looked so pitiful beneath you, and it melted your heart.

"You have been good," you said, and guided his hands to your waist. He looked at you in wonder, in disbelief that he could touch.

"Hold on," you murmured, and sank down onto him in one swift movement.

"Thank you!" Sebastian cried out. "You're so good to me!"

"You deserve a little something," you said with a smile. "But your hips stay still. If they move, this ends."

"Yes Miss!" Sebastian breathed, and threw his head back in pleasure as you began to move. It felt amazing for you, and you knew he was loving it too. His eyebrows began to furrow, and he pulled his lower lip into his mouth. These were tell tale signs that he was close. You smirked at him, and immediately stopped moving.

Sebastian let out a truly pathetic whine, and you laughed.

"You really thought I'd let you cum that easily?" you taunted.

Sebastian looked at you with wide eyes and a trembling lip. You clicked your tongue and shook your head.

"What do you do you do if you want to cum?" you asked in a sing song tone.

"Please," he whined. You rolled your eyes at him.

"Please let me cum," he amended.

"Better," you said, but still didn't move.

"Please!" he begged, "Please ride me, I want to feel your pussy on me, want it to make me cum! Please Miss!"

You smiled at him, and wiped away the tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

"Good boy," you said, and began to move again.

He didn't last long, hot ropes of cum painting your insides white. Sebastian howled in ecstasy, eyes rolling back. When he finally managed to regain his senses, you pulled off and laid down next to him. Your eyes locked, and you gave him a soft kiss.

"Shower?" you asked, and he nodded with a sleepy smile.

The shower was long, as was typical after something like this. Sweet kisses were shared, and, as always, you ended up with your legs around his waist, back against the shower wall, as he fucked you one last time.

The two of you fell asleep in each other's arms. He really was a good boy.

#stardew valley smut #sdv fanfic #sdv smut #stardew valley sebastian #sdv sebastian #stardew sebastian x reader #stardew fanfic #reader insert #female reader #my writing

937 notes · View notes

icedmetaltea · 8 days

Text

Just lettin ya'll know I'm ok

(random irl stuff to journal below, keep scrollin)

Wanted to wait to come back till

1. I wasn't dealing with mega gender dysphoria, my masc/neutral days are few and far between but by god it's been nonstop masc/neutral days lately and been a lot of just hating my body (and myself in general)

2. got the ebt stuff figured out, which I haven't yet, my doc put in a ref for a different place to sign a thing, waited 2 weeks for them to call, only to find out it was the wrong place and now I have to wait for the next place to call... which like yea I'm worrying about food but talking about it in therapy has helped somewhat. She reassured me even if that doesn't work we WILL find some place that'll sign the form I need to be eligible again

3. I wasn't dealing with as bad of depression/anxiety which like... idk. I've definitely been doing better anxiety-wise but idk if that's bc it hasn't been as hot lately or I've been feeding myself better. I know I must've been eating under 1200s calories the past few weeks bc the scale finally stopped going down and I know for a fact my anxiety gets bad when I'm hungry so I think for about a month I was unintentionally starving myself, SO making myself eat at least 2 nutritious meals a day now

At the same time I think perhaps my pmdd symptoms are... reversing time schedules??? Usually my anxiety/depression gets way worse before period but now it seems like it's fine before and terrible during/after????? Makes zero sense but who knows. Also it's a couple days late now so health anxiety is going off the shits about PCOS or something again UGH

Making SOME progress with therapy, am able to be outside for 5 mins without feeling that horrific sense of dread so that's something.

I've also been coming to the realization that I may have some form of DID?? Not the type where you lose time/blackout/completely have entirely different memories and starkly different personality switches but I've definitely been noticing now that I've been putting more attention to it how I go into different "modes" and sets of interests throughout the weeks and I mean... it's not secret I have imaginary friends I talk to on the daily. I've had an issue figuring out where "they" end and "myself" begins since childhood. Plus I already deal with derealization/dissociation/occasional age regression so it's not out of the realm of possibility. May bring it up next therapy apt. Kinda worried to bc I never want to get rid of them and I'm worried that would be one of the goals, like... just no. I can't think of anything more lonely.

But yea just random stuff I needed to get outta my system, sorry about all the suicidal stuff, it's just really hard. The future seems so bleak. And if one thing sets me back, like doctor stuff, food issues, etc my brain is like "DEATH WOULD BE EASIER LOL" BUT there's a chance trump/a republican candidate won't win, a chance climate change will be reversed/humanity will adapt somehow, a chance I'll be accepted for disability and live a halfway decent life, and if not... well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But for now there's food in the fridge, for now mom and dad are alive, for now we're ok.

#I'll get to asks and messages tomorrow #ty for everyone who reached out #I don't deserve it whatsoever but I appreciate it ;- ;#irl stuff #Metaltea talks #suicide mention

22 notes · View notes

cookinguptales · 10 months

Text

I almost wrote a small essay in the tags of that "fanwork as content" post but realized that it would probably be better off as its own post. So now it's... a large, rambling essay. lmao

Like... to preface, AO3 is great, it's a great resource for fandom, it feels good to have a centralized location that works well. That said, there has been a steady decline in how I've felt treated as an author since we switched to an archive-only model of fic.

For people who are newer to fandom, pre-AO3 (and even in the early days of AO3), people often crossposted fic. Sometimes to websites, sometimes to journals (particularly LJ/DW), sometimes to communities, sometimes to kink memes...

AO3, while certainly one of the primary places you could upload stuff, wasn't necessarily where you would get most of your primary interaction about your fic. It was always designed to be an archive, not a social media site.

But since we moved to an archive model (and away from LJ/DW) I've noticed that fic gets almost no traction on sites that actually are intended for social interaction. I'm not saying it's easy for any creator in fandom, but god. The numbers on fic posts are just downright demoralizing.

I don't mean to sound arrogant here, but I think I'm a pretty good writer. People seem to really connect with my fic. In multiple fandoms, I've written fic that most people have read and enjoyed, to the point where people have just taken it for granted that if someone reads fic in the fandom, they've probably read something I've written.

All this is to say, I know I've written fics that people like. I know I've written fics that people connect with. And I know those posts still only get like 5 notes sometimes on Tumblr.

I'm proud of my work and I'm happy that it's gotten such a warm welcome on AO3!!! But there are times when I feel like all this means that I could write literally the best fic on earth and still no one would talk to me. People still wouldn't want to interact with me on social media sites.

I wrestled for... honestly, a long time with all this. I had a hard time putting into words why this felt so uh. Bad. Was I just self-conscious about my own writing? Yes, but that's a separate issue. Was I just jealous of others' popularity? Sort of, but it went deeper than that.

I had an issue with a fandom that I don't write in anymore. I got a lot of fanart based on my fic, which was great, which was amazing, there were even fan comics made. Visual media travels better on social media than fic. That's just a fact. And I had to watch as repeatedly, art based on the fic I wrote got thousands of notes while my fic got maybe 12. And I realized the power of social media vs. AO3 because it did get to audiences that weren't familiar with my fic and people started to give those artists credit for my ideas.

I remember watching the tags of those posts because it was occasionally the only way I'd hear feedback on what I'd written (imagine getting one comment and 5 notes on a fic, then seeing dozens of people in the tags of fanart saying that it was their favorite fic in the fandom! it was weird!) and seeing the tags gradually devolve into "oh, this is such a neat idea for an AU, artist OP" or "wow this dialogue is perfect [artist] I love it" and like

It's weird to feel so happy because so many people are enjoying your work in a transformative way but also so unhappy because you have been completely removed from the equation. No one... even knows you wrote those things anymore. You have been removed in favor of a more "marketable" version of your work.

It's uh. It's a bad feeling. I stopped writing in that fandom eventually.

So again, I felt like... idk, like there was no point in me even trying. Because I could write the best fic on earth and still somehow get erased as a person. People would want my "content," but they wouldn't want me.

I think that's what hurt my feelings so much.

What I've realized is this: what I miss is the sense of community. On LJ, you could post a fic, cross-post it to a community, and there would be comments that would become conversations that would become lasting friendships. Not always! But often. I still talk to some people daily who I met through fic on LJ over a decade ago.

In the archive model, there has almost become a death of the author. The me on social media and the me on AO3 are very different; more importantly, it's almost like it's viewed as the "me" is on social media, but the work is on AO3. I am absent. There is only the fic, not the person who created it.

And that's okay, but when you try to combine those two things on social media and it goes over like a lead balloon... idk. There's an odd sense of dehumanization. I don't mean it in like... I don't know, a dramatic human rights violation kind of way. More that I literally feel like less of a human person the way I interact with fandom these days. Like I'm no longer a person who writes fic as a way to connect with my fellow fans and more a "content creator" whose human side is separate from my creation and never the twain shall meet.

(And I'll admit it feels especially galling to be forced into the capitalistic "content creator" box when it's not even a thing I can make money off of, lmao. It's like the worst of both worlds. I feel like if I can't make money off fanfic, I should at least be exempt from capitalistic social trends during its creation.)

I'm not so much complaining about my current fandom; WWDITS has actually been one of the best fandoms for interaction I've been in since the birth of AO3. That's one of the reasons I keep writing stories for fellow fans to read -- many of those fans feel like my friends, and I want to make them happy.

I think that poster was right when they talked about how the pivot from fan to "content creator" has fucked up fandom. There is this sense that we should be treating fandom like a job, often a fast-paced one with no pay. There is this idea that we should be separated from our "content" like you might a worker from their product, and blah blah blah alienation of labor, Marx, I get it, but damn if that isn't a shitty thing to do to your fellow fans who are making art for the love of art.

There are so many things I do love about AO3. I like having a central, organized place to put my fic. I like not having to worry about my work being lost to the ages. I like having an organized comments section I can return to on bad days to cheer myself up.

But I don't like the way that fic has kind of been relegated to a portion of fandom where people aren't particularly social. I don't like the way that authors are separated from their writing. I hear people complain sometimes about A/Ns because god forbid an author leave any trace of their actual personality to distract you from their content.

I can't have DMs with someone on AO3. I can't add someone to my friends list. There are no "beloved mutuals." There is just my work and the people who are kind enough to comment on it, even if they never actually engage with me elsewhere.

It's... a weird feeling, to feel so loved and unloved at the same time. Like you keep writing trying to make something good enough that people will talk to you but like. That's really not how it works. lmao. The best fic in the world won't make you friends anymore. It won't make people see you as a fellow fan rather than a pen name under a title.

My fic is some of the most personal stuff in the entire world, but my personhood is stripped away from it. It's so fucking weird. People like my fic, but they don't like me. They remember my stories but not the person who told them. It's bizarre. It feels like having your life and experiences strip-mined for content, and then the rest of it is just... left behind.

Frankly... I work in the publishing industry IRL and I have had opportunities to write professionally. Real, tangible opportunities. But I turned them down because I've seen it, the way that trying to fit such an intensely personal art form into a capitalistic framework can be exhausting, dehumanizing, and stressful. I don't want that for my work. Fandom has always been an escape from that.

But now fandom is starting to conform to those exact same capitalistic frameworks (and ofc without any kind of capitalistic compensation) and I hate to see it. It's so stressful. I feel like we're losing a lot of what makes fandom fun for writers and we're getting pretty much nothing in return. I'm not surprised that so many writer friends I know in fandom have quit.

like damn, I just wanna have fun with a bunch of dumbshits who love to overanalyze vampires and cry over their dumbshit shenanigans, not take on a second job. one that, I reiterate, I am not being paid for.

(Note: I am not asking for payment, just that I not be treated like a worker. The tradeoff for treating someone like a worker is that they get compensated for it. If I'm not being compensated, no one gets to treat me like this is my fucking job.)

It's a weird thing, because for a lot of people, fandom has become their job. Fanartists at cons selling fanart, youtube essayists making money off videos, professional cosplayers with sponsorships, etc. And so fandom is becoming more corporate, more capitalistic, more marketable. It's frustrating for those who don't want to capitalize on our fannish output, and doubly frustrating for people who are legally unable to do so.

I'm realizing as I write this that I'm most upset about the nonconsensual capitalization of fandom, particularly when imposed on people who are unable to access the very meager benefits of capitalism. I didn't ask for any of this!

Feels like when I'd be forced to go to assemblies for the US military when I was in high school. Like I'm morally opposed to all this but I'm also not physically fit for "service" anyway, so it's doubly insulting. I feel like I've been opted into the, ah, corporatization of fandom when I'm not even eligible for employee benefits. None of this should even apply to me! ;;

Okay!! I'm all het up now so I'm gonna go eat lunch and go for a walk! No monetization of hobbies, only trees.

#I need to go look at a tree lmao #just me #vent post #ask to tag idrk

48 notes · View notes

dbldipper · 7 months

Text

task #3- absence

dipper could hear the muffled laughter through the wall that him and mabel shared in their apartment. he couldn't make out who's sound was harmonizing itself with his sisters, then again, he doubted it would be one he recognized. he was half tempted to press the shell of his ear against dry wall and try to make out even a sliver of their conversation but... that felt childish. even if it wasn't childish, it felt selfish of him to want to know what she was talking about. to want to know what was making her laugh.

dipper hardly granted his twin sister any time anymore.

since they were kids, he remembered being attached to his sister's hip. the two of them were practically inseparable, like if someone wanted one twin and not the other, they'd have to surgically separate them from one another. now, dipper felt further away from his sister than ever, even though there was only few feet of wall coupled with shitty installation wedged between them. he frowned to himself, tucking his weight back against his pillow, pulling out one of his journals from the drawer of his bedside table. he twirled a pen between thumb and finger, teeth finding the skin of his inner cheek, his temples beginning to pulse as words struggled to run the course of his veins and migrate his fingers towards the page.

❛ dear mabel,

hey, it's your twin brother, dipper... obviously. i don't really know why i'm writing this but, we haven't been talking as much anymore... and i recognize that and how its primarily my fault. i'm not good at talking, but you know that. i never have been. it usually takes me longer than most to translate what i really want to say into words. then by the time i say what i mean, it doesn't matter anymore. damage has been done.

i've been hiding things from you. a lot of things. it doesn't feel right to be hiding things from you but i just don't want you to judge me. i'm not a good brother all the time, i know that. i fail in a lot more areas than i do well in and, you deserve better than that, but i am unfortunately who i am and while i am making active efforts to correct the parts of me that suck... it's hard. it's really hard, mabel. i don't like you to know when i'm struggling, i don't like you to know when things are hard because i know you have so much of your own things going on. im trying to step back, to let you handle things on your own without being the helicopter twin i was for so many years but .... im just bad at it. i guess my brain translated giving you space to be your own person into... just leaving you alone.

i can hear you laughing in your room, but i hardly know you well enough anymore to have the slightest idea of who may be in there laughing with you. i dont have the balls to check, to knock and say hi, so im just sitting here in my bed writing in this stupid journal....i doubt i'll ever even give this to you. i definitely won't. so i guess to ease some of my own selfish guilt, i'll confess to a few things i've been hiding from you in this letter and pretend like i'm going to give it to you. sound good ?? okay.

i've been having the nightmares again. they've been really bad, mabel, and i don't remember how to stop them. i've noticed a lot of my memories from gravity falls are beginning to feel so distant it's almost like my mind is making them up but... the nightmares, they're the same as they've always been. they all involve bill, and they all involve people getting hurt, and with me being unable to stop it. you, grunkle stan, soos, wendy... even pacifica. it's why i need to smoke so much. i've even started drinking more. i'm so desperate to escape my own mind and not even substances can offer me a gateway out. i won't tell you this because i don't want you to worry. i don't want you to feel the need to come in my room and check on me. i don't want to see your eyes well up when you see how tired i am and feel sorry for me. they'll go away. they did once before.

i'm sure you've noticed i haven't been home a few times. how i've come back in the morning or late afternoon, sometimes with ... injuries i can't explain. broken ribs, black eyes, amongst... other things. i'm not hiding from you. it isn't that i don't want to be home but... i've noticed, when i sleep at this particular place, that the nightmares aren't so bad. i haven't stayed there often enough to know for sure it's a solution but... staying there, it's starting to feel like more than just, i don't know, what it was before. i'm starting to think i really, really like this person, mabel. more than i thought i did. i wish i could tell you about it, i know you'd eat it up. i know you'd just bask in the mere THOUGHT of me having a crush or whatever and... i'm sorry to spoil that excitement from you. i'm having feelings i don't understand. the annoying part is i know you'd sit there and gush and go ' AWWWHHH you like her !! ' — i can literally hear you saying it now in my head as i'm writing that but.... i don't know if i want to hear that. i don't know if that's what it is. do i like her ?? the idea of her ?? the idea of SOMEONE ?? it's just another plethora of questions i don't have the answer to.

you'd have an answer. i'm sorry i won't pose the question so i can hear it from you.

god, you're still laughing. even harder now. fuck, i miss when we used to laugh like that. i miss being kids, being twelve, solving mysteries and fighting off monsters. hiding from grunkle stan when you'd spill glitter glue on the carpet or break a window with your grappling hook. but hearing you laugh right now, through the wall, it's at least comforting to know that someone out there is protecting you. reminding you that life is good, that it can be good, and that there are things to smile about. i'm happy someone is in your room, friend or whomever, making you feel loved. making you smile.

i'm sorry i haven't been that person. i wish i could be, like i used to. i'm just not that dipper anymore. i dont know how to be him again.

i love you. more than you know. i wouldn't be able to survive in this world without you. i wish i was able to show you that instead of just telling you. i'm working on it. i promise i am.

you are the best sister a guy like me could have ever asked for.

love,

dipper ❜

@mabelgiirl

#tw drug use #tw alcohol use #evermorehqstask #& mabel #yikes

8 notes · View notes

kaesaaurelia · 8 months

Text

all the best angels are bad angels

For @whumptober day 12, using the prompts "insomnia" and the lyric prompt, "I haven’t slept in days but who’s counting?"

Continued from Day 3, wherein Muriel went to Heaven to get access to their old records, from before they can remember things, and discovered some troubling things written in their own handwriting.

They paged through the folder frantically, trying to find some commendation or something to feel good about, but when they got to a hefty court filing ("Petition to Recall Angel From Earth") asserting that they had been neglecting their duties, their heart sank, and they had to look through it. Exhibits Aleph and Beta were just establishing who Muriel was, but Exhibit Gimel was more in their own handwriting.

I have been having nightmares, it started, so I've stopped sleeping. Which did seem pretty straightforward to Muriel -- they had been neglecting their duties after all. They looked up with a start and realized that somehow a customer had got in and panicked, because they were doing it again. "Excuse me! Excuse me, you can't be in here," they said, hurrying after the customer. "We don't sell books." They rounded the corner and found the customer was waiting for them, and was not a customer, but a demon.

Crowley looked mildly ashamed to be there, although the letter Muriel had got from the new Supreme Archangel on how to manage the bookshop had been clear that Crowley did not count as a customer. "Sorry, I left, er, a thing. Here. I left a thing here," he said.

"Oh," said Muriel. "Well. It's your bookshop, really, so --"

"What." They couldn't tell if Crowley was staring at them unblinking, but then, he probably did that a lot anyway, because according to several books on the subject of herpetology, snakes did not have eyelids. (There were a lot of books about herpetology in the bookshop.) "What do you mean it's my bookshop, I wouldn't own a bookshop, I'm not --"

"You've been on the title since 1941," Muriel said, because they had also gone through all of Aziraphale's documentation.

"What?" Crowley demanded, his spectacles slipping down his nose slightly.

"Did you not know?" they asked. Crowley seemed to be cycling rapidly through a number of expressions. He did that. Muriel assumed the best thing to do was just let him, but it was taking an awfully long time. "Anyway, you can come in whenever you like. Aziraphale said --"

"You've spoken to Aziraphale?" Crowley demanded.

"No -- well yes, but that was in the letter. I did talk to him recently," said Muriel, "but just to ask for permission to get my files."

"How was he?"

"Um. He was. He seemed fine, mostly, I think?" No need to go into the not-fine parts.

"Good for him," said Crowley, although he sounded very much like he meant Bad for me. "What files?"

"Oh, um. Well. I didn't used to be a scrivener, apparently," said Muriel. Crowley noticed the folder then, which Muriel had forgot they were holding. They had bookmarked it with one finger. "Um. It's. Apparently I was really bad at my job? I slept," they added, horrified.

"Loads of people sleep," said Crowley. "Almost everyone, really. I sleep. It's nice. You should try it sometime."

"I did try it," said Muriel, "and I only stopped because I was having nightmares, and -- and I have to be better than that. I can't make the same mistakes."

"Well. That sounds...." His brow furrowed. "Hang on, why's it in your file?"

"Um. It was in some evidence against me. I wrote something about it? In a sort of... journal," they said.

Crowley shook his head. "There's your first mistake. Don't document anything that could get you in trouble. Or if you do, lie your ar-- your face off."

"But I don't want to be a bad angel!" said Muriel.

"Look, Muriel, all the best angels are bad angels," said Crowley. "Take it from me. What were the nightmares about?"

"What?"

"The nightmares," said Crowley. "What were they about?"

"I don't actually know. I didn't get that far," they said. They were only familiar with the concept of nightmares because it seemed to come up a lot in books, but.... "I actually thought they weren't real? Do humans actually -- do they just -- have hallucinations about bad things for eight hours every day?"

"Well. Mostly, no," said Crowley. "I mean. I don't think they sleep for eight hours, that seems like an awful lot, humans are terrible at sleeping." He made a face. "Anyway. Sorry to bother your, er. Reading? I'm gonna go get my, my thing, which I forgot, which is why I'm here, and which definitely exists."

"All right," said Muriel. They tried to be happy for Crowley that he was so certain about things, or at least one thing, which definitely existed, but they were feeling less and less certain about anything. They wandered back to where they'd been sitting, feeling uneasy, and went back to the evidence against them.

I have been having nightmares, so I've stopped sleeping. I don't know how to help anyone after something like this, and I don't know what to tell people. Apparently they were wicked in the eyes of the Lord? But you can't tell humans that someone they loved was wicked in the eyes of the Lord so they had to die. As it turns out you especially can't tell them she wasn't wicked in the eyes of the Lord but she looked back at her home, and Sandalphon didn't contain his miracles enough, and now she's salt. Now everyone's worried about becoming salt. Salt is a very nice thing to have, especially if you are someone who eats food, but not something I would want to be, so I can't blame them.

I don't know. I think this family in particular has been through enough, but apparently not in the eyes of the Lord. The last-minute ram substitution was lucky for them, and I thought I'd smoothed it over with Heaven, but they keep bringing it up in my quarterly reviews. It really wouldn't have gone well without the ram, I'm sure of it, but everyone's still mad at me Up There so I don't know if I should say anything about this.

All right, that's a lie. I should say something. It would be the right thing. But I don't know that Heaven would agree. I'm reaching out to some of the other angels down here and asking how they would bring it up (if they would bring it up?) because maybe I'm just getting too involved in these humans' lives. Although nobody really likes Sandalphon --

And after that there was was a great deal of crossing out -- not a simple strike through for editing purposes, but a deliberate and almost violent use of ink. Apparently even Old Bad Angel Muriel had known not to document some things, and now New Better Muriel wasn't wise enough not to wonder what they were.

#whumptober2023 #no.12 #insomnia #lyric #good omens #fic #muriel good omens #anthony j crowley #ineffable husbands #text #fiction #kaesa op

6 notes · View notes

sky-squido · 1 year

Note

A/J for to isolate? (very excited for the finale btw)

A: How did you come up with the title to To Isolate?

okay so when i originally reblogged the fanfic ask meme, these are the tags i almost added and then didn't:

i did end up asking her anyway and she told me but i've already forgotten again, so there must not be a particularly interesting story behind it. i think we just played around with a couple of things and that was what we liked best. i mean, we had no idea it would get so huge, so we didn't put a ton of thought into it, and it's a perfectly serviceable and not-inaccurate title. yeah, there's not much more to it than that, i don't think

J: Write or describe an alternative ending to To Isolate.

HA!! NOW THAT TO ISOLATE IS ACTUALLY DONE I CAN MEME ON THE FINALE! i actually have TONS of silly ideas for post-fic funtimes because it has a happy ending and everything and i just really love the continuity it sets up. there's a strong chance i'll end up writing some of them out and putting them in their own fic that i group into a series with to isolate itself. i'll bullet some of my favorites below the cut for spoiler-proofing.

but those are less alternate endings and more extensions/deleted scenes/post-credits-scenes. most actual alternate ending possibilities for to isolate are pretty dark, but one of my favorite meme alternate ending ideas is one where Warriors keeps a journal in chapter one and for some reason?? Dink just Doesn't Notice so Wars wakes up on Day Four and goes "hey guys this is really weird" and everyone's like "YEAH that is pretty funky" and they all just talk about it. it would be funny to say that the whole plot just never happens, but that's not necessarily the case—dink still has his scheme, and i'm not fully sure what all the ramifications of them finding out this early on would be. he might just be like OH FRICK I FORGOT ABOUT THE BOOK and then wipes their memories and burns the journal. maybe that IS canon and sky just never knew~ oooooooooooooooh~ (it's not dw—if it were, wars woulda brought it up in ch. 10)

OH HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN! THERE IS AN ALTERNATE ENDING!!! POLTEA MADE ONE and it's beautiful y'all should check it out here

OKAY SILLY FUNTIMES POST-CANON NONSENSE IDEAS (SPOILER WARNING FOR LITERALLY THE ENTIRE FIC)

consider yourself warned

((lemme know which of these y'all are most interested in and if i ever get around to writing little these vignettes, i'll prioritize those))

four has been looking for the master sword for a while, Splitting for a time to cover more ground, and he hasn't found it anywhere. he's starting to plan out a long-term solution but also he's still looking. dot keeps telling him to stop, but he really wants to make extra super bonus sure he didn't just miss it by accident. as he's walking in the mountains, the sword drops out of the sky, bonks him on the head (with the hilt, but that's not much better than the blade cuz it's still Hot As Heck from ch. 7) and then tumbles down a cliff into the woods. he's simultaneously relieved and very annoyed, but he climbs down after it anyway to find it stabbed, perfectly vertically, into a pristine clearing, rays of golden sunlight spilling over it (wait where is that even coming from it's like midnight and also overcast) because the Master Sword is actually a Massive Diva and the laws of nature will bend to facilitate this

legend getting a loftwing!! he is a knight of skyloft, after all. i like the idea of his loftwing being really grumpy and kind of traumatized because it lost its rider, and no one's been able to even get close to it without getting bitten at, which is why it's up for grabs for someone of legend's age, but they understand each other really well and bond a lot, even if they can't "feel" each other like sky and his loftwing can, since they missed the critical period for that.

oh yeah it's canon that the wedding rings that sky and sun wear are gifts from legend—sky's got the green ring because a) green symbolizes courage in zelda and b) it's a balance of offensive and defensive boosts and mr. i-lost-the-use-of-my-sword-hand could use the help in both departments. zelda has the life ring L-2 which is pretty and heart-shaped but also regenerates health over time because sky and legend care about her lots and want her to stay safe <3

okay poltea and i high-key sidelined groose because neither of us can take him seriously because he's too much of a meme (even though i've played sksw twice now and agree wholeheartedly that endgame groose is a massive lad) and also like... he really wasn't relevant to the fic and there was honestly no point in fleshing him out or anything. however, this fun vignette would play with the HEY WHO'S THIS LEGEND GUY AND HOW'D HE STEAL MY BESTIE SO FAST?! element of the dynamic where sky's in a cheesy YA love triangle but of friendship sfdkgjhsldfgkjsdf. groose and legend would both slip slightly into their respective Jerk Modes to try and sus the other out, but then they'd bond and become bros and sky would bemoan the mistake he made in unleashing those two upon the world. they also fight over which of them will be sky's kid's favorite uncle <3 also legend's aroace in this fic because i said so so he just vibes with the lads. it's probably for the bet if he doesn't set up a bloodline in his own past anyway fdjhgfkgfjfd

OKAY SO REMEMBER THE LINE ABOUT PARADOXES AND CRAP and how sun kind of had a sense for them and would stop legend from causing any so he could safely inhabit the past? in this idea, like... the weirdest stuff sets off the Paradox Tinglies and Legend will be about to take a sip of juice and then sun bursts into the room and smacks it out of his hand and goes NO! and legend's just like O_O. he's honestly not sure if she's just screwing with him or not but he's too grateful to be here to question it

SKY AND SUN'S BABY AND LEGEND BEING A CHAOTIC UNCLE. i've never actively sought out fics in the vein of "we've just handed your favorite character an infant, what will they do now?" and i don't spend nearly enough time around children that small to be able to write any pre-school age particularly well, but just because it's these dorks specifically, i'm thinking about it <3

OKAY SO SKY AND LEGEND ARE THE FIRST IN THE TIMELINE NOW, RIGHT? get this—they make time capsules. they write letters to all the dudes, just for kicks, and they're kinda curious to see if any of them will actually reach their intended recipients, even if they'll probably never actually know until their spirits all meet up in the afterlife. not sure what they'll do about the timeline split and also convergence apparently though sfgljhsdgksdfh

hyrule just obliterating the ganon cult. like, we all know it happens, it's fully canon, but that doesn't mean i don't want to see it happen anyway. this is more likely to be art than fic, but i still wanna see it anyway because hyrule should be allowed to go feral more often i think

remember that bit where legend tells wars to not do too good of a job fixing space and time so they can all hang out again? yeah like five to ten years in, the portals all crack open again and the lads get to have like tea and biscuits and a nice chat or whatever. it would be purely crack and For The Memes because the boys all (largely) going back to their respective eras at the end was a Choice Made For Reasons, but also post-LU reunions are fun and this is a post-LU that i can really play around in because i actually know what it looks like and how we got there

okay that's most of them but there's definitely more kicking around my brain that i'm not thinking of right now. i just love the lads okay i gave them their happy ending and now i just wanna play around with it because it's fun :3

thank you for this ask and apologies for the Many Months delay, so i hope this answer manages to make its way to you! take care!!

#squido answers #to isolate spoilers

3 notes · View notes

paramorearchived · 2 months

Text

April 5, 2010

Transcript:

Morning world!

Hey guys, it's been a ridiculous amount of time since I've popped in here. The tumblr journal is going well... and I've found it really easy to update with pictures and mp3's and all the random stuff I'm not computer savvy enough to post here on LJ. Anyways, what am I using capitalization for?

so... the weather has been nuts here in franklin. in a week, i've seen just about all my friends and partied hard (if coca-cola and buttloads of ice cream really qualify for a party). i've been to a freaking wedding! (unbelievable!) and actually cleaned out miss anne's interior (miss anne is my car, ya big perv). it's been nuts. non stop. i've even been writing a lot. and now, i think i need to slow myself down. any time we're off tour, my time is divided between two things: 1) go nuts and eat everything and don't take care of myself cause i don't have to work. 2) recoup from being nuts. start eating healthy again, get sleep, don't talk as much... boring stuff. if i wasn't hoarse, i wouldn't be starting part 2 for at least another 3 or 4 days. but i had sweet cece's frozen yogurt 5 times in the past 4 days and talked until i can't talk anymore and i think it's time to grow up just a smidgen. the word smidgen is cringe-worthy. had to.

you know when you leave a hair band on your wrist and when you take it off it hurts?

so, keep an eye out for a couple pics from the wedding. (i didn't take many, mostly cause i forgot. wompwomp). some pics from my time at home... and as soon as we start rehearsal... which i think is like a week from now... i'm going to post a "menu" of our new merch items. all of this will be on the tumblr blog so i can easily organize all the attachments. the new merch is awesome. we're pulling designs from many of our friends and quite honestly, it's the best and most cohesive line of merch we've had in a long time. i'm proud of it, for sure.

and while i'm getting started about this next tour. let's discuss. i'm pretty sure you've heard of Relient K. (if you haven't, don't tell anyone and run - don't walk - to their myspace). those dudes are awesome. and i am a long time fan of their records. i remember someone giving me "Two Lefts Don't Make A Right... But Three Do". and singing songs about chapped lips and chapped stick on my way home from school.

and opening the shows for the tour is a band called fun. their name couldn't be a better summary of what you are going to experience when they take the stage. their debut record "aim & ignite" is just ridiculously good. if you like incredible vocals and creative arrangements... or the sound of gods making love... then you will like them.

good music happening this year. everywhere! and a lot of good music on tour with us. we're a very very lucky band to have so many talented friends to share the stage with. i noticed a post on the LJ community asking for new music suggestions and a lot of you suggested some seriously good music. it feels like we're all growing up together and discovering (or re-discovering) a lot of music that maybe we wouldn't have been into 5 years ago when all of this started. so i got to thinking... how could we discover more music together? apparently, at old hardcore and punk shows, there would be a bucket at the door where kids could drop mix tapes in and take one out. it was a way to pass music along cheaply and easily. not to mention, a great way to strengthen your scene. think about all the local bands in your town that you want people to hear or your favorite song that you always always have to put on all your mix cd's. would you guys want to do this at our shows? i figure, the next tour is super short. all of 14 shows. it would be an amazing way to test run this whole thing. i've talked to fueledbyadam and johnny minardi about it before but it's been a good year since that conversation happened. i wanted to bring it back to you guys and figure out if you're into it or not.

here's how it might work: we'd put a box or bucket at the merch table with Aaron Holmes (merch man of the stars)... and you'd bring either a tape, a CD, or a USB/memory stick thingy, with all your favorite songs on it. let's say about 10 songs, to keep it simple. you drop one in at the beginning of the night... and if you wish to, at the end of the night you take one out on your way out the door. i think it could be awesome. maybe we'll even put our own mixes in the box every now and then. the point is to share music that YOU love. we don't get enough PHYSICAL swapping of music anymore. it's always online. "here's a link to this" or... "go to their myspace"... and now maybe we have a chance to relive something that we almost missed!

let me know your thoughts in the comments.

i'm also going to start doing band bio things on my tumblr for all the bands that come out on tour with us. so that people start getting a better idea of who they're seeing on stage. ooh! i could even try to get interviews with those bands and post em up. so many possibilities. here we go.

can't wait to see you guys in a couple weeks :) hayley

#paramore #hayley williams #2010 #livejournal

0 notes

real-life-umaru · 2 months

Text

April 19th

Another failed attempt to journal yesterday. Kinda been falling out on my routine lately. I couldn't finish a course I started last thursday too. Should I feel bad about it? I don't think so. I'm aware that there will be days I'd miss out on a routine; especially when things get too overwhelming or I get distracted. Nevertheless, I still think I'm doing well and much better than before. It's just another opportunity to be more disciplined and focused next time on my goals.

Nothing much happened on a friday yesterday at work. We had a feast again during lunch. Did I eat a lot? Not much. Was it enough? More than enough. Also, I noticed I've been pooping a lot these past few days. I don't know if it has anything to do with the heat or me drinking 2 cups of tea everyday for over the past 2 weeks (?). I tried searching up the web and so far there aren't any serious side effects, mostly just beneficial things from drinking tea and that it may cause frequent bowel movements to some.

I was supposed to meet up with friends... or so I thought. I went home early instead after work and hey, at least it's the weekend.

0 notes

system-startup · 7 months

Text

How I'm supposed to feel like myself when I can't help anyone. Not even myself. That's the only thing I've ever been—someone who helps. For the past several years I've helped people, sure, but the vast majority of the time I watched people cry and beg and reach out for help I could theoretically offer while I was powerless to actually do or say anything.

I tried, believe me I tried. I'd agonize for hours trying to send messages, spiral in to hysteria because my health was too fucking bad to actually spit out what they needed no matter how hard I tried. I still have nothing. I feel an empty shell. I used to be able to parkour, now I can barely walk. I liked to dress well, now I can barely wear clothes. If I could have anything at all to feel like myself, that'd be nice. I can't be anyone but me, I'm set in, it's too late—I don't want advice. It's rhetorical.

I can't be anyone but me and I'm sick of advice that ignores that.

I'm fighting the temptation to disappear from a lot of people's lives again. Not everyone, of course, certainly nobody who could see this. I don't think they'd notice anyway, though, since I already became a ghost against my will ages ago and stayed there. I've disappointed their image of me. And I'm not feeding it, and I'm already gone.

I'm barely alive still no matter what I do. I can only enter the next phase of our life—the one where my mind is so separate I can't agonize like this anymore. But it's taking so fucking long to figure out how. We spent all that time integrating only to realise that not even that was ever actually ideal for our health but moreso someonelses fantasy of what we need to be, phrased like a truth. Well we function better when we're blind to one another.

I've seen it myself—when we were completely out of control, we made a thought journal. We felt like every line was unrelated to the last as we wrote. We couldn't read it for the first several months of it's existence, only move forward. That was the rule—just keep writing. Don't worry about it.

When retrospect came, they were all far from irrelevant. Scattered, sure, but our stream of consciousness had far, far, far more direction than we anticipated. Frankly if we could have had the health to read it whilst shit was happening—and we didn't not because our methods sucked but because beyond our control our brain remained close to failure as in brain failure as in like heart failure (aka, not an opinion just a medical statement)—if we'd been able to or had someone competent that could have helped us, what was going on would have been abundantly clear.

We've always been smarter when we aren't looking but after a lifetime of being convinced to not trust your brain, taking the leap of faith in yourself is more like a lot of increasingly terrifying leaps of faith that you keep deliberating over.

Not a child anymore so it's never as simple as just working up to it. There's a whole ritual of trying to figure out why you're not running, questioning if you don't actually want this, remembering who you are—someone who never used to question that before they broke you. Months of agonizing until you find the right wires in your head to pull out, the right code to write over, and then when you finally jump off the ledge you stumble. You're horribly out of practice. You make it to the other side, but at a cost due to your hesitance.

And then you have to do it again.

And again.

I want to trust my brain so fully that if it told me I'd be safe jumping off this cliff to whatever was below, and it couldn't explain how it knew, and we didn't have time to check, I'd leap because I trusted that at some point it had seen or heard or otherwise learned something that let it know this.

And this isn't an advice I'm dishing out—its only mine. Trusting your brain is everything but the journey of fashioning a trustworthy brain isn't something I can offer and in the process of being convinced to stop trusting mine I noticed, it manifested all the problems until it genuinely wasn't safe to.

But I know better now, and I don't stomp out his function just because it's scary and I don't understand it. Not anymore. Never again.

If I have to never be capable of knowing the words leaving my mouth, to remember what I'm saying, in order to say competent things—if that's the cost, than I'll accept that.

I'm smarter when I'm not looking.

So I'll figure out how to stop looking.

#CNS Jailbreaking

0 notes

koalaforlife · 8 months

Text

So it's been a while since I've read the manga

And because of that and some comments I came across lately (e.g. one analysis about Mikasa showing more development in the manga but being reduced to Ereeeh in the anime) I am thinking I need to go back and re-read it especially now that I have such a different perspective on things and not only do I tolerate and understand some characters better than I ever did when I first read it (looking at you, Floch, still despicable AF but hey I get you, homie) but also I'm sure there were things that the (less-wise) me from 6 years ago missed out at that time.

However, for the sake of writing my thoughts down here as a journal and perhaps getting some quick answers from fans that have a better memory than I do, I will touch on a possibly controversial topic and, actually BECAUSE I have surrounded myself with Levihan fans, I am optimistic that I will get the answers I need, from people who can stay objective and see things as they are and not as they make them out to be.

I don't want to engage in any ship wars or dismiss the validity of any relationship. I'm just curious.

So I was watching some videos on character analyses and at some point I noticed how common it was to say that Levi and Erwin were best friends, Levi was incredibly loyal to Erwin, Erwin was Levi's rock, etc. And I for sure started out in this fandom with the same thought, but for the life of me now, I can't remember....Why?

People tend to say Erwin was Levi's best friend but now I can't help but think Levi had two best friends, Erwin and Hange. What part of Erwin and Levi's friendship got translated to ULTIMATE BFFS in the fandom?

Again, I am not looking to start a war, and even if I don't get an answer now, I'm sure I will when I re-read the manga, it will just take some time.

But here's what I thought, and only based on memories I have from either the anime (which I have revisited in the recent years, unlike the manga) and the levihan analysis posts I read a long time ago.

To me, judging by the way I've experienced the fandom, it almost looks like the friendship between Erwin and Levi was "told" for the most part, whereas Levi and Hange's was "shown."

Other than Levi deciding to follow Erwin because "he could see something he couldn't" (and of course, because Erwin's speech was that great, that enlightening, that motivating), other than him trusting Erwin's judgement each and every time because he knows his reasoning is flawless, other than the choice a heartbroken Levi makes (to put Erwin to rest)...I can only say these two were great friends because I remember fandom saying it for so long, so it feels like I was "told" they were great friends but the manga showed it only a few times. Interestingly enough though, even these few examples I mentioned are actually presented in the form of sentences uttered by none other than Levi, either as a monologue or in a dialogue.

Whereas with Hange and Levi, I can count already from the top of my head some of the instances that show a different dynamic, and hint at a close friendship as well. Their famous telepathy, the way Hange understands and translates Levi, the way she oversteps and he lets her, the way she was the first to treat him as a friend etc. And we see these from the interactions and conversations but never do we hear impactful or emotional monologues from Levi (regarding Hange).

How do I describe this? It feels to me that the ExL relationship is revealed mostly through Levi's words (and fandom's words - for now, until someone can remind me some other impactful scenes that hint otherwise) whereas the HxL relationship is revealed mostly through characters' dynamics.

Personally, what I want to believe, regardless of whatever the fuck Isayama wrote as canon, is that the three of them were besties, that Erwin and Hange were as great friends as ExL and HxL were and that is my ultimate headcannon and no one can convince me otherwise :D

Still, I was curious to know if other people shared the same experience of how the two relationships were portrayed, and if someone can remind me of some essential scenes that depicted ExL friendship because it's been so long that I don't remember anything else, and I don't want their canon friendship to be reduced to "they are best friends because people say so" for me.

#notforbrenda #not for brenda #snk #levi #hange #erwin #eurihan is superior #thank you to anyone reading this with an open mind #i really appreciate you #also for taking the time to read my silly ramblings asgdsjhgfg

1 note · View note

yourtypicalmillennial · 11 months

Text

It's been almost a year since the last time I posted my journal here. And the same old story will be written again here. My crying and heartbroken story will fill my Tumblr again. No, I don't go back to him. Only few pieces of aching feelings are left. I just need to get rid of them before it gets bigger and bigger.

Around May this year, I found out that he has been back from his Twitter hiatus. I didn't notice that he was there since April because I had muted him. I don't unfollow him for a childish reason. I don't want to be the first to unfollow because I might look like a coward trying to avoid the past.

I was using my Twitter second account to scroll through tweets quoting a tweet from a popular selebtweet. And I happened to see him quoting it using a screenshot of someone sending him "I LOVE YOU!" text through Twitter DM. I, in fact, had no idea whether it was a screenshot from his own DM or he took it from the internet. Nevertheless, I couldn't resist the temptation of clicking on his profile. And there I was, my screen displayed his bio. It took me one or two minutes before I swiped up to see what he tweeted. This sudden indescribable feeling heated up my chest. It wasn't a kind of pain but it wasn't a good feeling either. At first I thought I was feeling unhappy because he has found someone and I haven't. But it wasn't. I wasn't hurt by the idea of him replacing me with someone else because one day I'll definitely replace him with someone better. Then again, I was stupid to finally decide to see how he has been getting on. Checking up on him was something I thought I wouldn't do, but I did it anyway.

He seems to get by. He lives well as he should. I don't hate him for living well. But there is this anxious feeling that I can't describe how and why. I don't hate it but I don't feel happy for him either. I used to hate knowing that he had no regret hurting me but today it doesn't hurt me as much. I don't regret that we were over. I wished him a terrible life. But now I wish I hadn't said that wish. He's a good guy with good intentions but life sometimes tricks us and turns us into a villain. And I believe he was in such a situation when he was with me. I've tried to understand him better from a good spotlight now.

I shared my wrong during our relationship. I wouldn't say I was without a sin. I might have hurt him in the part I didn't know and for the reasons I didn't know. I admit that I had made a lot of stupid decisions that damaged the relationship to some level. And I had been blaming myself too much for making him decide to break up with me. With which I felt I fed my insecurity for over a year. Calling myself stupid whenever I remember my mistakes was like my daily affirmation. Convincing myself I wasn't worth anyone's love did a damage to my self-esteem.

I'm glad I hold on to my religion. I don't persuade anyone to do what I do because different individuals have different way of operating their coping mechanism. I only have my God. I constantly practice the mindfulness my religion has taught me, like praying every day, seeing everything from a positive light, reading more books, holding myself back from giving nasty comment on social media and the like.

Sometimes the only thing I need is to be alone so I can be empty. And the emptiness can give me a chance to rewrite my story with a happy ending. Now that I forgive myself, I feel better about myself. And surprisingly, I can genuinely forgive him. I don't have to tell him this, do I? Not that he needs it badly.

I have been quite optimistic for a while. But I still don't get what, how, and why this weird feeling appears out of nowhere. I assume the ashes of my last negative feeling is still lingering. It's fine. I'm not in rush when cleaning up things. I'm taking my time scraping out that weird feeling.

#yourtypicalmillennial #journal day 21

0 notes

fake-love-is-all-i-dreamed-of · 1 year

Text

fuck my ex

He did it. My ex brought me back to tumblr. Dang, it's been a while... like over 10 years since the young, hippie-wannabe, angsty teen was making blogs about doing drugs from the earth and sharing psychedelic aesthetic posts. It's nice to be back, in a place where no one knows who I am and I can speak my mind. Journalling is fun and all... but typing it out just feels like you're empowered.

Over the last year, I dated the dumbest person I have ever dated... and that's saying a lot, as my track record is pretty rough. I met him somewhere I shouldn't have been dating anyone, and from there, things moved quickly. He moved in within a few months, if not a few weeks, and we were full fledged in a relationship neither of us were ready for.

I mean jesus christ, the man almost has more kids than fingers and a criminal record but somehow I was so desperate for love I couldn't resist. I'm not fully salty about the situation, I've learned a lot.... but recently, I let him back in.

It had been three months since he left, and we were going on a month of no contact. He owed me $20 that he was holding over my head for months and refused to give back... I let it go eventually (it was more the principle than the amount I was worried about... as well as I'm pretty sure it was some sick way for me to keep talking to him.. I'm now seeing). I finally started to feel better and was being more conscious of the lessons as opposed to my loneliness. Then bam, he calls me out of the blue one night when I'm out drinking with a friend. I'm still not sure how he can call me when I have him blocked, but he says "that's the good thing about having a blocked number". Didn't know you could do that. I guess I was more lonely than I thought at that moment, because little did I know... he'd successfully reel me back in despite all he's done to me, I let the bastard back in.

Over the next few days we may have chatted a few times, can't remember. He then told me he was moving away for work and wanted to stay at my house for a night while he waited for his flight. I said absolutely not, we went no contact for a few more weeks.

Then, all of a sudden I get a call that awakens me at 8am on a Saturday. He's on the way into the city and is going to be staying overnight at the airport for 24 hours to wait for his flight. Again, I must have been extra lonely, because I slept for a few more hours and then went and got his ass. On my way there he sent me my $20 back, saying nothing. I was like wow, he really wants something from me lol. He said he didn't want to stay the night, but I practically begged him. We had a decent day, went to the beach, had something to eat. He was still unable to talk about what happened that caused our breakup and how he treated me the three months after, which is something I want badly but he's honestly just not intelligent enough to have a conversation like that (red flag #50,000)... so I just allowed the time spent to be what it was. He was leaving for 5 weeks to work out of the Province, so what the fuck is the difference... it's just a day, right? Throughout our day and night he made multiple mentions of him coming back to my place every 5 weeks and staying. I actually considered it.

Fast forward to the last two weeks, he's been out of Province and calling me daily for the most part. I noticed he still has some concerning people on his social media that I asked him to remove, so deep down I know nothing's changed and I also know I don't want to associate with someone of his patheticness - but, loneliness sucks so I keep him on a little string chatting here and there just to feel something.

He then starts asking me for money again. He went out of Province to work with $0 and apparently has no food, or smokes. I've had no extra money so kept telling him that's why I couldn't send, but he knew my pay period and tonight asked me again. This time, I said honestly I'm not comfortable with loaning you any money because I work really hard for it and the last time you didn't give it back for 3 months. Well... all hell broke loose, and he started saying "fuck you, get the fuck out of my life"... totally freaking out like a child. I then made a few digs at him, basically just insulting his intelligence and character because it's clear the only reason he keeps talking to me is so that he knows he can have me on standby if he needs something.

He then started saying that the reason he did what he did (cheated, lied, scammed me, etc.) is because of me, lmfao. That's when I'm like ok brother you're actually fucked. I blocked his number and he started calling me, leaving me voicemails saying I'm a piece of shit and telling me to clean my house because it's the only thing he can say to me - I'm not a disgusting human being like him, so there isn't much to say to me. I know I did nothing wrong and I've always been good to his grimy ass, so I have nothing to worry about.

He called me a few times, left two mean voicemails that I didn't even listen to, just deleted - and now we wait. Now we see if he emails me or tries to contact me from another method - or, will he finally give up and leave me alone?

I am hoping that I am fully done at this point - I mean, he's never done this before but tonight he called me a piece of shit and some other mean things - so I think I'm good, as I don't tolerate that no matter how mad you are. I've been talking to other guys basically the entire time he's been gone, just nothing serious has come out of anything. It's not like he's my only option, familiarity just hits ya in the face sometimes.

At the end of the day, what saddens me is that he is a product of his environment and I am unsure if he has the intelligence to ever break that mould. Being with me gave him a view of life he had never seen before, coming from where he comes from. I don't come from much, but, I do come from a place of intelligence and life knowledge - which is something he just doesn't have. I hope that he can someday lead a good life, but that's just not my business anymore and I hope to keep it that way.

So just like when I got sober from coke some 7-8 years ago, here is day 1 of no contact. I hope to reach 10, 20, 50, 100 days. If I don't, I'll start again - but he has no place in my life and I can't forget that.

#breakups #fuck my ex #i hate my ex #ex boyfriend #lessons #life lessons

1 note · View note

empressbutterfly · 1 year

Text

How I'm Doing Right Now

Hello. It's been quite a while since my first post in this blog.

I have taken some lengths for healing, and I've been getting better. There's this book I used to read "Whole Again" by Jackson MacKenzie, and there he suggested to find a source of "Unconditional Love" for your recovery.

I did it, and I found it. A source of love so abundant, it gave me all the strength to stand up back again on my feet.

It was the most life-changing moment in my life, and from then on I pledged to dedicate my life for it. To stay so close to it, it made me so full of joy.

Thanks to it, I am able to get a hold of my life now. Although, there is still ups and downs, but it wasn't like how it was before. I used to break down over the smallest obstacle. Now, I'm much more resilient compared to the past.

Funnily enough, I stayed this long with this illness, which I presume is C-PTSD (I'm not officially diagnosed), and I began to realize all the symptoms.

Here are the symptoms I experience:

Hypervigilance: I can notice the slightest change in someone's tone, even in text message. Having trained all my life to cater around someone's needs really made you so vigilant all the time, don't you think?

Difficulty in personal relationships: Oftentimes, I end up sabotaging things in my friendships and relationships, especially when we get really close. I get scared of them, then I become very anxious, and sometimes can even lash out at them.

Intrusive thoughts: Sometimes intrusive thoughts come to my mind. There are a lot of kinds of this... but these thoughts are very hard to manage. Sometimes I could not see clearly which ones are real and which ones are not.

Negative self-view: I normally have some healthy confidence, but when I get emotionally low, I tend to view myself as negative.

Anxiety: The anxiety I feel is crippling. It interferes with my day-to-day activity when it happens. It feels like I'm nearing the end of the world.

Fear of abandonment: When I feel like a close friend is pulling away, I experience intense fear. The fear then induces anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

Insomnia: I'm getting better from this, but I used to have sleeping problems. I would stay up until noon if I can't sleep at night.

Feelings of inadequacy: Sometimes I would feel like I'm not good enough for anything. That's why being around grandiose narcissists is debilitating because they incite these feelings in me. Some of them enjoy looking at me like that, so I never disclose this to anyone.

Feeling like I'm permanently damaged: I still have hope for recovery, but this feeling is difficult to be shaken off. It feels like life passes by before me when I am still trying to heal from my past. I end up being left behind by everyone else.

Lately, these symptoms only appear when I'm emotionally low. But it's already a big improvement, because they used to appear all the time. I developed a system to work around it now.

When I feel emotionally low, I would do these things starting from the lowest to the highest:

Avoid: Try to avoid the source of distress.

Distract: I would try to distract myself from the thought by doing something that will hopefully take my mind off of it.

Comfort myself: I take a nice bath, wash my hair with a nice shampoo, wear a nice comfortable outfit, take a good break from work, buy sweet drinks or delicious food.

Journal: I would write whatever thoughts that come and then what to do next. It normally gives me relief.

Approach the Unconditional Love: This is my last resort when nothing is working. When I am done with this, I usually feel rejuvenated. It does take quite a while, so it's a bit difficult to invoke during busy hours. But I try to make time for this when everything I tried doesn't work.

That is all for now. Writing this gives me relief, as well, but if it could help someone, it would make me happier, too.

0 notes

fox-under-the-willow-tree · 1 year

Text

How I Overcame My Depression - Advice From Someone Who Was Hospitalised

Who the hell are you?

I first started having symptoms of severe depression and anxiety in my early 20s. This continued for several years, which led to me lashing out to people I cared for, delving into substance abuse to escape myself and eventually being hospitalised when in a rage of sadness I tried to stab myself, but luckily failed. Since then, I've been on a journey of recovery and as years pass, I can slowly tell with more and more confidence that my joy for life has returned. There are still gloomy days when I'm experiencing hints of my past depression, where I wonder what the point of it all is and even question whether I'm truly even recovered. To answer that, I don't really think you can ever fully be recovered, because these are scars that lay deeply and need gentle care to heal. But we're not in a hurry, we have a life time to recover. Furthermore, I don't believe there is such a thing as a "healthy" person and a "mentally sick" person. Everyone oscillates between these two labels, identifying with the one more on certain days, while experiencing the other on more somber days. I know I do. I have had days where I questioned whether there was any progress at all, whether my happiness was an illusion and I was finally seeing the world again for the drabby dark grey reality it really is. And there are other days when I burst with so much life, I feel I might never stop smiling.

Well, what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to take time to recover and have relapses. They're part of the process.

I remember the first time I felt like I was drowning in my depression. I was locked up in a musky small room, smoking one filthy cigarette after the other. I hadn't showered in days. My hair was so tangled, I didn't dare to drag a brush through it out of fear half of it would be torn out. I lived on a diet of greasy snacks. Sometimes overeating, other times starving myself. I was endlessly scrolling on social media, trying to fill the void of boredom, sadness, anger, fatigue, anything, as long as I didn't have to confront my feelings. I lashed out a lot. I had screaming matches with all my loved ones. I wasn't angry at them, I was just filled with immense sadness and any conversation, chatter about my studies and friends, anything beyond laying in bed was terribly tiresome. I was a vile human who hid in her room and ignored people who cared for me out of shame for not being my best self, even though they didn't expect that in the first place.

So, what am I trying to share? A top ten list of tips and tricks to overcome depression? Not necessarily, just a list of things that retrospectively collectively helped me to slowly feel a tiny bit better day by day. None of these are the miraculous potion I was hoping would eradicate my depression. I am afraid such a potion doesn't exist. The only thing it did was lift a featherlight amount of weight from my shoulders, so little I barely noticed an improvement on a day to day basis, until a couple years later I suddenly realised that those panic attacks that were tightly familiar, had not appeared in a long time. I realised I could breathe better and smiled more. I realised I had picked up old forgotten hobbies and interests. I was kinder and more patient with those who loved me. I went to the hairdresser to get a nice haircut and invested in make-up to feel prettier.

But it all happened gradually. So, what did I do in my years of recovery and how did it contribute to my mental well-being?

1. Cry Out Your Feelings

Over the years of substance abuse, anger outbursts and constant need for distraction, I finally forced myself to journal, because I had frankly grown tired of my own raging emotions. So, I started to confront myself in writing. Here were the crucial questions: What was it that I was running away from? What was the reason I was so angry?

Anger is nothing more than an aggressive form of sadness. So I thought and I wrote out my feelings, all in a flow on consciousness. I spilled and wrote my most embarrassing thoughts and I searched inside my broken mind. What did this writing lead to? You can guess it. I ended up crying, a lot. I think I spent a good couple of weeks crying. Crying alone at first and then slowly confronting my feelings of shame by crying in front of my loved ones, who to my surprise did not shun me, but accepted me with open arms. And I just cried over everything. An emotional movie I recognised myself in, I cried over past mistakes, I cried sometimes over nothing, but simply because I experienced the urge to do so.

At the end, there were few tears left. As I'm writing, there are none actually. I've cried them all out and with them, my sadness finally exteriorised itself.

2. Health and Exercice

As I was starting to open up more, my parents decided it was time to help me become more healthy. Body and mind influence each other. A healthy body creates healthy soil for a healthy brain with healthy thoughts. We made delicious meals together containing fish, vegetables, protein shakes, various types of herbal tea and much more. It was also around this time I was considering exercise again. As a teenager, I wasn't a big fan of exercise, but my loved ones encouraged me to give it a try. I remember my mother telling me that it's easier to bear the burden of sore muscles than the burden of an exhausted mind. So, I put my mind to it. It was difficult at first. I didn't feel those famous endorphins in the first week, nor the first month, nor after three months. It was around the six month period that I noticed I wasn't forcing myself to go the gym anymore, but did it out of fun. Now, that was a shocking revelation, because it had been a while since I experienced exercise as fun and it was thrilling to say the least. I also incorporated other forms of exercise. I enjoyed walking around the forest looking at dogs or farm animals. I gave myself challenges to walk to the city center, so I can enjoy a coffee and cake as a reward. I eventually turned exercise into a game with rewards and challenges.

3. Seeking/Creating A Support System

I don't think any of the recovery would've been possible without a support system. I had my parents. I actually don't have many friends (I can count them one one hand), but in those times, I noticed my parents did everything they could to fill the void of my sadness. They took me out for walks, they listened to my ramblings, and my dad bought me small gifts. I received many compliments to boost my confidence. They went full out the moment they noticed their daughter was slowly coming back to them and I threw myself in their arms. It's then when I noticed that I am in fact not a burden. I'm a part of their reality, a part of their body and soul. In other words: I matter.

Now, your support system can be anyone. Your parents, your partner, your therapist, your friends, anyone. But I notice the burden of life is much lighter when it's carried among friends.

4. Find A Meaningful Job

At the very least, we spend maybe 16 hours a week at work. For most of us, it's around 32-40 hours a week. Combining a weak mental health with a stressful job is killer to your self esteem. Of course, not everyone can just up and quit their job, but I kept it in the back of my mind to quit my job first opportunity I got and I noticed a vast improvement.

5. (Re)discover Your Hobbies

I started slowly by watching old series I enjoyed, listening to song I liked as a teenager, even rereading my favorite old books and I felt a tiny spark of curiosity ignite. Some feelings of curiosity vanished quickly, others created small clouds of happy thoughts. These happy thoughts created a chain reaction of interest interlocking. I discovered my love for knitting scarfs as a child and that led to me picking up crochet. I delved into other crafts, such as making earrings. I saw videos of pretty girls doing fun and colorful make-up and tried to incorporate it into my daily style. I struggled with reading during my depression, so I discovered audiobooks, which eased me back into the habit of first reading short novels and then slowly reading bigger ones. I learned about graphic novels and became fascinated with art. My dad took me out shopping and I became familiar with the different types of aesthetics that exist and the hobbies they're associated with. My dark academia phase landed me into learning Latin, which I love very much. To put it briefly, one curiosity leads into another and before you know it, you've fallen into a rabbit hole of undiscovered fun.

Okay, so?

So, to conclude. These are the discoveries I've made along the way. I still feel sad sometimes, even desperate. But I also laugh with my parents again, my bedroom door is open again. I like eating pancakes with too much syrup and applying colorful make-up. I crochet dolls in my free time and reread books from my childhood. I giggle at cat memes and I learned I enjoy banana and spinach in my smoothie. I work out at the gym and I'm quite good at lifting dumbbells. And... and... and....

And that's it, that's my life.

And I think I like it.

#mental health #mental instability #depression #anxiety #self healing #self improvement #mentalwellness #depressiv #sadnees #support #mental heath support #bookaddict #health blog #personal

1 note · View note