#I've been drawing them for the last three days because i am obsessed with their gay scene
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«If we hadn't found ourselves sitting next to each other at the start of the school year I don't know if i would've become confident enough to become Ladybug»
(you can support me with a KoFi 🩷)
#mila-beedoodling 🐝#miraculous ladybug#ml paris special#ml paris spoilers#miraculous ladybug fanart#marinette dupain cheng#alya cesaire#alyanette#fanart#artists on tumblr#drawing#I've been drawing them for the last three days because i am obsessed with their gay scene
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Round 1 poll 23: Judas Iscariot from the Bible vs Reynard the Fox from mideaval European Folklore
Propaganda under the cut:
Judas Iscariot
so i've always been sort of fascinated with the judas kiss as a thing in the bible. i was just always like dang it's wild that that exists. i would attempt to draw/paint/sketch it constantly in high school and i didn't really know why. the way i learned the name of the garden of gethsemane properly was one time i was feeling extremely faint as one does and as i was gripping my head on the floor of the bathroom, face a few inches from the tile, i just heard gethsemane, gethsemane, gethsemane repeating in my head over and over again. and i was like what the fuck is gethsemane and i looked it up and i was like OH. so fast forward a little little bit and i watch the last days of judas iscariot at a formative teenage year of my life and i am WOWED. i watch that last scene with jesus and judas MANY MANY TIMES. i'm OBSESSED i want to carve it out and eat it. after watching the play in full i show it to my actually catholic friend. she enjoys it. something about judas in that play clicks for me, and suddenly there's this whole context for my relationship with judas that makes a lot of sense to me, a traumatized former catholic. i become a HOUND for all media with judas in it. i am like a connoisseur and archive. i am just obsessed with it. i listen to clown bible in full. it makes me cry every time i listen to it. JUDAS by the reverent marigold WRECKS me because it's explicitly about judas as a scapegoat as an allegory for the trans experience with religion and it is a BANGER. like it's so good. i buy a copy of the script of the last days, of corpus christi by terrence mcnally, of judas by jeff loveness. i listen to several versions of jesus christ superstar in full and i am WOWED i did not expect it to be that good. someone on tiktok says that trans men's vocal chords thicken like cis men's on testosterone but don't lengthen, and that these shorter vocal chords make it easier for us to sing in a strong, natural falsetto. and i think about how jcs is full of really high tenors and briefly i start drawing red lines all over my life like, BOY HAS VISION OF GETHSEMANE AND IS TRANS BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE WANTS HIM TO PLAY A PRINCIPLE ROLE IN JCS??? and it's a brief lapse in sanity that i don't take seriously but one of my favorite jcs jesuses also had a weirdly prophetic vision of himself playing the part in jcs (i'm obsessed with him), and i'm like okay. i don't know what to do with all that information. anyway. i haven't played anyone in jcs and likely never will but i am still very attached to judas as like a mythological figure and symbol. i wrote an essay about him for an essay class that ended up being 19 pages unspaced. prof was warned beforehand that it was going to be long and she was very nice and encouraging about it um so thank god for that. yeah i have the absolute weirdest relationship with judas. and it has only been magnified with each new media and seeing people's various takes on judas as either redemptive/antihero/tragic figure/scapegoat/etc etc etc. currently obsessed with the parallels between him and jesus and him and mary magdalene in jcs. jcs ended up kind of extending the obsession to the three of them. i have a bust of jesus looking so so forlorn in my room. impulse buy. anyway. love him deeply obsessed with him turned me insane i think
Reynard the Fox
I feel like a mega weirdo for finding this medieval archetypal creature so endearing, especially considering the atrocities he commits in the stories he’s a part of. There’s just something so fun about a really old story about a bunch of morally grey animals engaging in shenanigans meant to satirize and mirror our society.
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Hi, Chai! I've been following you for a bit, mostly for the RG content, and I've recently seen you talk about your other non-RWBY interests when I realized that I'm really curious on what other media do you like? (Be it shows, movies, music, games, books, etc.)
Oughh this is a very good question.
I'll put them under a read more cause I have a feeling I took this question too literally and it might get just a little bit long because of that. 💦
I'm generally very passive with the media I consume and only draw as much RWBY as I do because RG has had me in a vice grip since V8E1 and isn't letting go anytime soon. 💀 But I do engage with lots of other stuff too! This isn't an exhaustive list, just ones I like lots or re-watch often enough.
Anime
I probably watch this stuff more than anything else. My favourite of all time is probably The Eccentric Family, both seasons. The art direction and the messages of the story just hit very hard for me and I re-watch it pretty much every year. My second favourite is Kekkai Sensen (i prefer the first over second season as they switch directors).
As for others enjoy:
Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood
Silver Spoon
Yona of the Dawn
Snow White with the Red Hair
Kyousogiga (recommend if you liked Kekkai Sensen)
A Lull in the Sea
Chaika the Coffin Princess [Now why does that name sound so familiar 🤔]
Anohana
Been really enjoying this season's shows and am looking forward to the Winter 2024 lineup (Dungeon Meshi and Yubisaki to Renren at the same time!!)
Shows
Dragon Prince
The Owl House
Good Omens
Games
Nier (2010),
Transistor
Pyre
Zelda Series (Ocarina of Time & Spirit Tracks are my favourites)
Nier: Automata
Honorary mentions to Grand Chase (an old MMO i used to be obsessed with), Avalon Code (a niche DS game that I really liked), Fire Emblem Awakening (a classic) and Animal Crossing (that I played like it was my day job in 2020).
Movies
Can only think of two live actions and the rest are animated/anime 😭
Stardust
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Howl's Moving Castle
HTTYD (1 & 2)
Kubo and the Two Strings
The Wind Rises
From Up on Poppy Hill
Penguin Highway
Books
I don't read as much as I did when I was a kid, but my top three are probably Runemarks, Howl's Moving Castle, and Stardust (I like the last two a lot because I liked their movies).
Webcomics
Used to be really into these and wanted to write my own before Webtoon kinda... gentrified the entire industry. But hey, I can still talk about some of my favourites!
Shaderunners (queer heist in a roaring 20sish setting)
Witchy (queer south East Asian inspired fantasy adventure)
Kochab (sapphic story between a skier that gets lost and meets a fire spirit I think? It's final updates are going up this month!)
Lady of the Shard (all time favourite. queer polyam lovestory between a goddess and her acolyte. Complete. I reread it every year, I love it so much. The rest of the authors work is also great, you might know them from Cucumber Quest).
Then lastly...
Music
I mostly listen to indie/folk more than anything else, with a bit of jazz/R&B thrown in for flavour. Favourite artists are probably:
San Fermin
Flock of Dimes/Wye Oak
Of Monsters & Men
Maggie Rogers
Florence & the Machine
Paper Kites
Matthew and the Atlas
Halsey
This list obviously isn't exhaustive because I have the memory of a goldfish but those are the highlights that came to mind at least.
Sorry for the long list, but thank you for the question!! It was fun to put all these in one place.
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tagged by @hakkiofficial <33 ty bestie!!
1. what book are you currently reading?
already said it in my other tag game post but it's @stjohnstarling's novel the sacred sins of father black! it's the story of a fbi agent in pursuit of a wine forgers gang, who arrives in a small town with a mysterious and morally ambiguous priest 😌
2. what do you usually wear?
most of the time, i'm wearing pretty bland (but comfy) outfits composed of jeans or sweatpants, with t-shirts and sweaters lol. the t-shirts only sometimes happen to be like, bright orange camp half-blood ones i bought on etsy...
i do wear colorful/flowery long skirts from time to time, though!
3. how tall are you?
161cm tall!
4. what’s your star sign? do you share a birthday with a celebrity or historical event?
taurus! my birthday is on may 8th and i literally share it with hiromu arakawa :-)
5. do you go by your name or a nickname?
i go by sam online and by my legal first name irl. my friends use a nickname derivated from the latter!
6. did you grow up to become what you wanted to be as a child?
not really, but, hey, i am still young and learning how to live! i still have time to work towards these goals! <- has been crying because they don't have the art skills they wished they would have when they would be older, while their art student friends have been greatly improving for obvious reasons. the feeling of falling behind is constantly present these days lads.... u_u"
7. what’s something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at?
i think i'm pretty great at reading (fast) and noticing misspellings on other people's texts when tasked with proofreading (yes this is very specific lmao).....also i've been doing my duolingo norwegian lessons daily for almost three months now and i'm amazed by the fact i've managed to stick to this one (1) routine when i usually am not able to keep up with this kind of thing. learning that language has done wonders to my self esteem for some reason WDXSKDHFKS
hmmm i'm bad at relaxing and getting things done. and i'm kind of a shitty sibling :/
8. if you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year?
not from this year but one of my favorite written works is an old fanfiction wip i wrote back in 2019 (i think) and have been re-reading with my friends last week. they ended up binge-reading the manga it's based on thanks to me and... i don't have any specific favorite line but receiving compliments on this piece of writing from them made my day and i am even more proud of it <3
9. dogs or cats?
cats, obviously. my favorite creatures....
10. what’s something you would like to create content for?
i want to draw mob psycho fanart!! but i'm too scared to start, it's really stupid 😭
11. what’s something you’re currently obsessed with?
the conman with his autistic boy apprentice show, of course. and also, french political history documentaries have been rotting my brain...
12. what’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?
well. university 🚬
13. what’s a hidden talent of yours?
i don't knowwww....i'll let my mutuals answer that one for me if they noticed anything </3
14. what’s something you wish to have at this moment?
time home alone. disclosure. and a yummy snack.
tagging @wolfsnape @linanord @lokh @mihai-florescu @teabox @sidh-rah @future-circuit @magical-alien @reloaderror @wolfkilling @hammyletto @prizefigures @bakedbananners @sleepcities and @bhatoora 💌
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When you get this respond with five things that make you happy!!! Then send to the last ten people you got notifications from :)
Thank you so much for this! I'm so sorry it has taken me a while to get to it; I've just returned to university and am living in for the very first time! It's been a lot of fun so far, and I'm both excited and nervous for what's to come.
Anyway, here goes...
Studio Ghibli music - On Friday evening I was in London seeing Joe Hisaishi conducting the BBC Concert Orchestra playing music which he composed for the films of Hayao Miyazaki. The concert had been postponed three times due to Covid, and I was beginning to fear that it would be cancelled all together. But it finally went ahead! It was such a beautiful and emotional experience!
2. Museums and art galleries - On Saturday my friend and I had a lot of time before our train back home in the evening so we went to the V&A. I could honestly spend all day in there; the building alone is so beautiful and it houses the most incredible collection of art and artefacts. It's my dream to have an entire museum or art gallery all to myself for a day so I can wander around at my leisure (and perhaps even pick up my sketchbook for the first time in years!).
3. My new college neighbours - Because I was in London, I missed the official move-in on Saturday. When I arrived on Sunday all of the other people in my corridor had moved in and done the ice-breaker task that all new students are encouraged to do: work as a group to create signs for each door on the corridor with the occupant's name and drawings depicting their hobbies/interests/major. Today I left my room to find one stuck to my door! They had worked together to make one for me too, and had even written my name in Japanese IN THE CORRECT SCRIPT! I was really impressed as none of them are studying Japanese, and really touched that they made sure I was included.
4. Only Murders in the Building - the current show I'm watching obsessively together with my Mam. It's so upbeat and funny, the characters are terrific, and the mysteries are so well written! Next week is the series finale and I'll be so sad and forlorn!
5. My best friend - she never fails to make brighten my day. She's the best person I know and I truly don't know if I'd be around if I didn't have her. I love her dearly.
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#about me
Tagged by @coping-via-clint-eastwood. (Fun! Thank you!)
What book are you currently reading?
Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D.H. Lawrence. I literally did not read a book last year (except for a few chapters in the book recommended by my therapist), and I had been meaning to start this one for about the last three months, so having to answer this question actually motivated me to get through the first few chapters! So far, so good.
What's your favourite movie you saw in theatres this year?
I honestly do not remember the last time I saw a movie in theatres, and it certainly wasn't in the last year.
What do you usually wear?
A lot of sweats and Lululemon if I'm not leaving the house. Maybe just a towel if I'm living overseas and it's really hot. If I'm going out in public, then it really varies! A blazer if I have to be professional, I suppose.
How tall are you?
5’9”—Sara Sidle’s height, if we go by silly things like Jorja Fox’s actual height and not ridiculous props made to give the impression that she isn’t practically the same height as her leading man. (I love that she’s practically the same height as her leading man.)
What's your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?
Aquarius.
Robert Burns (i.e., Robbie Burns Day) and Virginia Woolf, although I'd call them literary figures not celebrities. Alicia Keys, if you want an actual "celebrity."
The day Jorja Fox announced she would not "Sidle up" for the second season of CSI: Vegas because Grissom and Sara belong together—also known as the day I could finally chill the fuck out a little. (Yes, for purposes of this blog, this qualifies as a historical event. It was the first thing I saw that morning. Happy birthday to me!)
Do you go by your name or a nickname?
For this website? Maybe we could call it a pseudonym.
In real life? Generally my name, but I will respond to nicknames.
Did you grow up what you wanted to be when you were a child?
Yes, and it fucking sucks. No joke. The mental health and substance abuse stats back me up on this. I'm considering other options.
That said, in the above context I am discussing your typical private practice job. I've had some amazing overseas internship/work experiences in my field. It also has possibly the most potential to effect societal change, so that's always good! (But that's not what's happening most of the time in private practice, of course.)
Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?
Nope, not currently.
For consistency's sake, let's go with this fellow:
What's something you're good at vs something you're bad at?
Attention to detail vs. remembering not to get lost in the details.
Dogs or cats?
As per previous: DOGS!!!!!!!! DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I concur.)
If you draw/write, or create in any way, what's your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?
I will also do a shameless self-promo:
Survivors in the Night: A Las Vegas Love Story on AO3 and FFN.
So far I’ve only posted about 25,000 words, but I’ve written just over 90,000 words (excluding footnotes) so far. (I was ostensibly done at 50,000 words, but I keep adding random bits throughout. And I literally have three different chapters that were originally supposed to be the last. I’m almost certainly almost completely done now, though. Almost.) And honestly I’m obsessed with all of it. That probably sounds weird, but I wrote exactly what I wanted for them (my headcanons, my daydreams, just generally a lot of my favourite things, etc.), so it makes me super, super happy. (Honestly I just need them to be together and super happy! They belong together!)
Even though I’ve been a TV obsessive for many, many years, this wasn’t something I would have expected for myself a year ago. (Honestly, it wasn’t something I expected for myself up until one day before the day in late June when I started doing it.) Still, I’ve had a lot of fun with it (by which I mean a lot of fun with the writing—the sharing is definitely a roller coaster ride of feelings—some wonderful and some less so—a large proportion of which lead back to anxiety).
I’ve also had a lot of fun making some collages/mood boards recently. (I tried making a GIF once, but I think my time is better spent elsewhere.) This works pretty well with my love of photography and attempts to improve my Lightroom skills (although I did not use Lightroom for either of the collages I’ve included with this post, except maybe on my own photographs used in this first collage).
So, in short, I’ve really fallen down quite a rabbit hole….
What's something you would like to create content for?
Still just the science nerds:
I'd like to make a video to go with the above series, using the song I'm using for the story titles, but, given the aforementioned attention to detail and inability not to get lost in the details, I feel like this would end up being a massive undertaking. (I am very... thorough.)
When I started posting this series, I had a lot of anxiety about it, and one of the ways I distracted myself was by coming up with an outline for a very, very AU story (like: different continent, different century). I'd have to read a few fairly dense books before I could even think about writing it, though, so I feel like this would potentially be a five-year (or whatever) project that I pick up when I need a diversion. (I'm sure about three people would read it if and when I finished.)
What's something you're currently obsessed with?
Really? Okay, if you insist—them:
What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?
The first half of my year was a colossal shitshow, although I can't say I was excited for it in the first place. I really don't even want to think about it, though, so let's move on....
I’m supposed to be doing a gratitude journal (again, therapist), and I haven’t done it in about four months, so I’m going to turn this around and talk about something that turned out better than expected. This summer I applied for a short-term overseas work experience. I thought I didn’t get it; I cried from the rejection. It turned out they were just slower with their process than planned. I got it. I stopped crying. I got paid (a stipend, accommodation, travel expenses, etc.) to do some really cool overseas work in my field. The place was beautiful. The people were wonderful. I’m pretty bummed to have left, but now I am travelling for three weeks before returning home, and I’m very excited about it. So it was a good end to what started out as a really terrible year.
What's a hidden talent of yours?
Well, basically everything about me is hidden on this website, but I can tell you that I used to be really good at math (like, I did my undergrad in the humanities but took a couple math courses to raise my average).
Are you religious?
No, but I looove Christmas.
What's something you wish to have at this moment?
For someone to walk into this place (hotel bar) and make me see stars. (No entomology experience required.)
⭐️⭐️⭐️
If you’re reading this and feel inclined, consider yourself tagged!
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I really do be a compulsive liar when customers try to make conversation with me because i work in a pseudo-prestegious place full of people who know so much about technology and I'm just a person who turned down admission and scholarship into a kinda high level college because I felt pressured by my mother and was too afraid of change to leave home and has chronic burnout at 20.
- are you into software?
- what do you mean by that?
- well, my daughter is going to college for software development *rambles*
- oh. well I'm currently majoring in marketing [at a shitty cheap online school because i'm too afraid I won't be able to keep up with a real college because I'm so lazy] and I'm formally trained as a seamstress [i've spent the last 5 years making couch cushions and once a year i have both the time and inspiration to make a sorta kinda artistic dress or jacket with horrible fucking technique] [not to mention i studied classical piano for 12 years and then i started working full time and i havent practiced for 3 years so all that work went down the fucking drain. i used to be good at one thing. i used to have something that made it so i was caught up with everyone else.]
[when i was in middle school i was in a little inseparable trio of friends. Michael was a professional violinist at 14. He knew taught me how to play Smashbros. Bella's dad was a NASA engineer. She was the most genuinely kind person this world has ever seen, and everyone and every animal loved her. I was the kid who was obsessed with the Scarlet Witch and a christian rock band no one had ever heard of. We drifted apart. Covid happened. I sat on my ass til my mom made me get a job. I feel like that day was yesterday, and i feel like i have never left that job. i feel like i am still racing around a store, trying to keep up with everything everyone was asking from me. i would come home and my feet would ache and i would stare at instagram for hours and form unhealthy bonds with strangers and i would sleep. we came out of it and they had made something of themselves. Michael is going to some college and he has pretty friends and they seem to be really close. Bella was always a homebody. She was always happiest when she was with her family and her birds and she was drawing. She still lives in the same house, and she's a graphic design major, and she has more birds. And she is happy. Michael hasn't responded to any of my texts in three years. I tend to leave Bella on read for months at a time.
I wasted a year in a 15 by 15 foot box. i slept and i became mean and so lonely. I lived thursday to thursday when I could see the pretty boy who made my world turn and make me believe i had a future.
I thought I won too. all of a sudden after wishing for them for years, i had friends who loved me and who i loved. i was a valuable and valued part of a whole, just like i always wanted. and just as suddenly as those friends came, i wanted to push them away. i've ghosted all but two of them. I think this is who i've always been. an isolated half-person who's chained to a lit screen who talks about freedom but never pursues it.
But at least I have this job, right mom? at least i have a path to a future if i don't fuck it up. but sometimes she comes out when i'm within those silver walls. sometimes the girl who says she longs for people but sits alone in the corner even when people ask her to come out appears again. sometimes the girl who spent every day in the woods and every night in the biggest pile of stuffed animals you've ever seen is in the blue shirt and looking at the ipad and she is on the verge of tears and she doesn't know why or how she's here.
I live and work in the place of my childhood's ghost and i can see every stage of my life all at once and i call feel my inadequacy so intensely. i'm the youngest and most inexperienced person there and everyone treats me like their child or their little sibling and i love it but it makes me feel like i child and i get so scared of fucking up so i work harder than anyone else and dear God help me i am so tired and i give them everything so i have nothing to give to anyone or anything else, not even you. God i am so afraid i am trying so hard God I am a child trapped in an adults body just as i was an adult trapped in the body and mind of a child GOD WHY DID YOU MAKE US LIKE THIS. why do i constantly feel like i need to check my bank account even though i live at home and hardly pay bills and why do i ignore my friends and all their love why am i too tired to even text them back why did you make me think i am a loving person when i am really just some kind of skittish, reclusive animal that sometimes has delusions of being a man why can't i breathe in my dreams? i lie and i overcompensate and i achieve and i work and i am so lazy its like a profession.
everyone i work with is so incredible and they're so good at what they do and they have lives and hobbies and jobs outside of ours and they're sociable and friendly and interesting and extroverted and have significant others and families and have dreams and work towards them and do so much with their lives. i'm nothing besides my work. i come home and i watch tv and i play my little wizard game and tell myself i'll do something soon
my cousin is in harvard medical school and i write notes that a person cracked their phone screen and i try to explain to old people that they have to remember their passwords 30 times a day. my cousin is in mother fucking harvard medical school and i am on my bathroom floor writing to no one instead of making something of myself. he's the only person my age i share any genetics with. i cant help but see how differently we turned out. his father is a lawyer who works in DC and my father is a copywriter who still thinks he can work for WWE like he's dreamed of for the past 40 years. His mother is a cancer survivor and a statistician. my mother is an abusive bipolar orphan who has lived through horrors at the hands of every person who was supposed to love her. my cousin survived prep school AP classes and i survived living in my own head after being SA'd and having no one help me cope. what a fucking gamble life is
#help#the person i am asking for help tho is god#this is not a cry for help in general#just god#hey#dad#why'd you make me this way homeslice#what am i doing wrong
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For your love
chapter seven - I'll do whatever you want
[ series masterlist ]
previous chapter | next chapter
pairings : reader x damiano david
story summary : damiano and reader are in very loving relationship that sometimes almost too quickly becomes too toxic for anyone likings
chapter warning (s) : this is sad af i made myself sad once again , some strong language and violent behavior , mentions of alcoholism , suicide and depression
song recommendation - for your love
pov : 3 years ago
" I don't like him Y/N ! That guy just doesn't sit right with me ! " Y/N rolled her eyes at her boyfriend Michael . They had this heated argument that lasted for over an hour , because Y/N was going out with Thomas and Damiano .
Well .. Only Damiano ..
It was very clear to her that her boyfriend disliked that brown eyed god .
Y/N met Damiano through Thomas , her best male friend , maybe 2 weeks ago . But those 2 weeks ago seemed so far and so unreal .
She sometimes regretted not paying more attention to him that night .
Thomas and Damiano where driving around in Damiano's car while Y/N and Michael needed a ride to one party .
Back in those times Y/N was so in love with her boyfriend . She thought she was going to marry him . Be the mother of his kids .
At first Damiano seemed like an average person to her . She only saw him as potential band mate of her best friend . She was looking at him like she would any other acquaintance .
That night when they met felt like any other . She didn't felt sparks , she didn't felt butterflies nor did she noticed he wanted to flirt with her or something . The atmosphere was normal .
' I wanna be the first man you look at tonight
I wanna be stuck in your head and make you go wild '
The next time she hanged with him was at his house , along with Thomas of course . And even then she felt nothing towards him . No attraction . She was happy to have another male friend that is all . He was smart , charismatic , very interesting person to listen , he had a lot of interesting stories to share .
They weren't in touch . No texting or calls . The only time they hanged out was when Thomas arranged something . But soon that changed .
It was unplanned . Thomas couldn't hang , Michael was out of town and Y/N was bored .
So she simply texted him and they went out driving for hours in his car , playing music , laughing and having fun .
A lot of fun .
Basically that is how they started hanging out without Thomas . No one saw problem in it .
' I wanna drive you 'til the morning light and I wanna leave you alone in the middle of the night '
Damiano wasn't showing up any sort of deeper interest in her . He was very casual , calm and friendly . Y/N once told Thomas that she was glad that she met the person who is interested in her beyond just fucking her .
But boy she was wrong .
Maybe not the very first night he met her but after a while of going out Damiano became obsessed with Y/N .
He wanted to know everything about her , get in her head , under her skin . Just like she did to him . Suddenly they started hanging out alone every fucking day .
He had a thick notebook overfilled with drawings , portraits and sketches of her and her body , her hands , her eyes . .
He wrote songs for her . Poems . Songs splattered with his lust and desire all over their pages . ( just like he wrote for your love . )
It was driving Y/N's boyfriend crazy .
He started argues often and he was getting more and more possessive and scared for his relationship each day .
" I don't trust him Y/N . " She wished she listened to him on time . . .
Things where happening almost too fast , Y/N tried reassuring herself that what they are doing is not wrong .
I mean she cuddled with Thomas almost every day and he was also clingy . It was basically the same thing with Damiano . Right ?
Unlike her Damiano knew exactly what was going on . And in what direction it was heading . He wanted her . He craved for her . But only for pleasure .
' I wanna be a good man and see you smile
And I wanna swim between your thighs I wanna fuck you till you scream and cry . '
At first his only intention was to sleep with her but not even in a billion years he could imagine how deep in his mind she would be .
He had a tactic . Simply make everything appear natural , say a few comforting words to her , tell her something about how special she is , get what you want and try slowly to get out of that situation between the two of you before she realizes something . It worked every time .
Until this one .
They where slowly growing closer together . They spent an entire month cuddling , hanging out , playing with each others hair , driving , singing and making a strong bond .
" His intentions are not clear I can feel it ! " " Well I can't ! He wants nothing more than to be friends with me ! What do you want from me Michael ? To stop seeing my friend ? " " No . That is not what I am asking from you . But I expect you to know that it is bothering me and you stop . "
That is how any conversation between Y/N and Michael went . They grew cold , became strangers , one was fighting for their long lost love while the other was lost in the grip of the heartless lover .
Y/N started being depressed again . She became so limb and so distant from everyone .
Her state only increasing the fights between Michael and her . Damiano was not like it . .
He understood her . . .
The day he kissed her for the first time was December the third .
On that very same day he slept with her too . On that very same day she cheated on Michael .
It was weird . Y/N almost regretted it .
She coudln't describe how it was . She only remembers the rain outside pouring on that cold day . How the only light in that dark , black and Prussian blue room came from the muted TV . The room was warm . It was smelling so much like Damiano . It was sweet smell .
He was sitting on the edge of the bed , hugging Y/N by her waist . Both of them in their underwear . His head on her stomach as she was carassing his hair . His hands where rough , yet loving and gentle , he in fact was rough on a very gentle way . He made love to her like a man .
Every each time was better . The more they talked and discussed about their likings . Creating memories before or after being intimate .
' I wanna hold you in my arms tonight
For your love I'll do whatever you want . '
Ten days later Y/N broke up with Michael .
With an excuse that she was not completely ready to devote herself to them .
Instead she was laying in Damiano's sweaty arms , who held her close as she was gently caressing his chest and biceps . He talked so sweet . So interesting . So mysterious . So deep . Like he held all the answers to all her questions . He was amusing her .
Days slowly turned into a month . A whole month of disaster . Michael was right .
Damiano is bad news .
" Come here , let me hold you . "
He spoke those words in raspy voice after each time they had sex .
" Amore . . Amore "
' For your love I'll do whatever you want
I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '
Damiano always had time for her . At any time of the day .
Often even leaving his friends to go and see her .
Back then Y/N didn't understood this but the only bond she thought she had with him . .
Was just sex .
Nothing more . Pure sex .
All those memories they made , like looking at his childhood pictures , visiting his villa on the north of the Italy , going out to other cities etc ..
Those memories existed only before or after they've been intimate .
Damiano started to feel something . Something deeper than just desire for lust .
But unlike Y/N who also felt it he was scared of it . He didn't want it . He didn't want to admit it .
He was slowly falling in love . But for whatever selfish reason that he had , he couldn't be with her at that time .
He started to think about her every day , every night . Every second he had in those 24 hours .
" You ruined my life you fucking idiot . Look what you've done to me . You ruined me . "
He would say in joking tone to her . Only making her laugh and roll her eyes but he was so far from joking .
He simply got scared of his feelings .
She was not like other girls he had . And it was not some made up quiche move , it was truth .
She wasn't selfish .
She gave her whole being to him . Blindly .
Thinking he would do the same .
But no .
One day , he just started growing cold . It was a slow and painful process but Y/N felt it . She felt that winter . He always had an excuse for his behavior .
No one knew about their little special relationship . Y/N was left alone to think about everything that has happened between them so many sleepless nights .
' So baby why don't you please me now
I've got so much I can give to you . '
" I simply can't continue this tempo . This is something that became a mental gymnastic to me . This . Us . Our relationship . You happened to me when I was an emotional disaster . However you are a very dear to me . You mean a lot to me and I don't wanna lose you . I wanna continue hanging with you but we must not sleep with each other more . "
" Why are you feeling like this Damiano ? Our relationship is not that complicated . "
" Well to be honest Y/N we don't have a relationship . "
" Then why are you finding all this so stressful ?"
And so one day .
He just left .
He disappeared .
Stopped answering her calls , responding to her messages . Gone .
Y/N was desperate . Under the hard influence of alcohol and self harm again . Feeling like she was trapped in a slow motion movie .
Nothing was clear . Nothing was okay .
Why he left and where he was ?
' For your love I'll do whatever you want
I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '
She had no one to talk to but Thomas .
She came to his house one night .
It was January . It was cold . She was bleeding from all the wounds her heart tried to stich .
Sobbing she knocked on his door .
Three hours later she was in his hoodie , tightly wrapped in his embrace with puffed eyes and trembling lips . He was kissing her temple from time to time . Ice cream boxes beside the bed and her favorite movie in the background .
On his bed there was a mess made of used white tissues .
" Sometimes when people are scared they leave . " Thomas said . " Why ? " " It is easier . "
She had a sleepover at his house that night .
She hardly feel asleep . Feeling a bit better after finally opening up to someone .
Thomas was burning in rage . He was mad at both of them . More on Damiano tho , it took him a short amount of time to realize she was just being used .
January slowly ended .
And Damiano was back in town .
Y/N was starting to get over him and the fact she was feeling on her skin her mothers words.
' All boys are the same they only want to use you .'
She was getting ready go go out and hang with her friend . When suddenly on her phone screen appeared long time not seen notification .
'ykaaar sent you a message : Hey can you hang ? '
She dropped her phone on the sink .
Feeling mixed emotions of anger , sadness and excitement .
And in not less than 10 minutes she canceled her friend and she was already in his car waiting for answers .
' So tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby . '
" I was confused . And scared . You are the first woman that made me feel like this . I still mean it when I say I want you in my life . I just needed some alone time to clear my head and think . And I had plenty of time and space to do it . "
He took her palm in his hands kissed it and brought it close to his face . She was breathing hard . Was this really all she was waiting all this time ?
" I wanna be with you Y/N . I wanna commit to you . But I can't . I am not sure I am ready . I don't want to fail you . . What do you want from me Y/N . Why do you care for me so much ? "
" Damiano .. You are in my life with a purpose . For a certain reason . I won't let you go . I won't let you leave me . You mean to me so much as a person and even beyond that words can describe . Too much emotions , time and energy is spared on you than it was supposed to be ."
They sat in that car for hours . Talking . Crying even a bit . But at the end of the night they where in peace . In love .
January ended . February almost passed .
Winter was sharp and cruel .
' Tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby
Tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby . '
But despite that Damiano and Y/N went against it . They started dating officially . In private first few weeks .
Måneskin was having a rehearsal . They took that as an good opportunity to announce everyone the good news .
" I can't belive this . Y/N you are so fucking dumb ! " Thomas shouted at them .
The studio was silent . Ethan had his eyes wide open from shock . Victoria was sitting with her hands in her lap looking at the ground .
" What is your problem Thomas ! I thought you where going to be happy cause of me ! "
" And why would I be ?! What is it so good that you did to make me happy ?! You hooked up with him after everything ! After all those crying sleepless nights , all those public panic or anxiety attacks you had , all that alcohol that you drank !While he was out fucking some girl and not giving shit about you ! "
" Thomas that is en- " " Don't interrupt me ! "
He picked up his jacket and back pack .
" I was there for you then . And just then . But now when I see that you are repeating the same fucking mistake I am not so sure I would be there for you the next time . Don't come to my place crying how he hurt you cause we all know he would . "
He left the studio dramatically leaving everyone silent . Barely 3 minutes passed and he was storming back in inside .
" Oh yeah and another thing Damiano . You might be a good singer but that does not mean we are going to tolerate you just for that . I created Måneskin with Vic and I have every right to either kick you out or leave myself . "
He lighted a cigarette . " I do not want lying manipulators in my surrounding . "
Many years later after that day Y/N regretted being mad at her friend for taking that silly thing so personal . But her friend saw beyond every border she could ever see .
Thomas knew Damiano very well .
And he knew he was no good news .
' Because baby for your love I'll do whatever you want
For your love I'll do whatever you want I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '
A/N i wanna write a chapter based on a song i wanna f*cking tear you apart by she wants revenge . give me ideas about what i should write in that chapter along with the song .
taglist : @ella-nordstrm3 , @urskaa , @lovelysaltyland , @littleachaos , @whoreforhenrycavill , @13journals , @onceuponparrilla , @21nell , @davedace101 , @vainbimbo , @aliyeaz , @vandafabryova , @miriampraez , @foggyhottubcrusade , @daringovangel , @inr89 , @fanfictioncafe , @mrsllshhb , @over-themoon ,@theclavvofaraven , @annika0-o , @thxtsclxssified , @goddessofthem0on , @ellabeth , @vandafabryova , @boredvick , @paulasdodo, @damianoaf , @angeliquekalampoka , @coffee-and-blueberries , @yellowflickervic , @thatweirdesichick , @wildxxwolf , @mentally-dating-rosa-diaz , @moriro-da-regina , @scruffiejelly ,@lara-sky , @tryymebitch , @yourchicken10 , @thxtsclxssified , @klotsoskoufi , @l0standn0tf0und , @olivera-gajic
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Warning: This post contains spoilers for Loki episode 5.
The penultimate episode of Loki introduced several new variations on its titular mischief-maker — including Jack Veal's Kid Loki, Deobia Oparei's Boastful Loki, and Tom Hiddleston's ill-fated President Loki. But of all these new faces, perhaps the most memorable was Richard E. Grant's aptly-named Classic Loki — an older, world-weary version of the Asgardian god we know and love.
Decked out in the familiar green-and-yellow suit from the comics, Grant's Loki is older and perhaps a bit wiser than his younger counterparts. Years of isolation have left him disillusioned and lonely, missing his brother Thor, but that spark of mischief is still buried deep underneath — and he ultimately sacrifices himself to help Loki (Hiddleston) and Sylvie (Sophia Di Martino) escape the Void.
It's a delightful showcase for the 64-year-old Grant, who says he's thrilled to be able to carve out his own chaotic corner of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Ahead of the series finale this week, EW caught up with Grant to break down his big sacrifice — as well as his newfound friendship with Owen Wilson and his pitch for a Loki spin-off series.
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: To start, I have to ask about your costar: How was working with Alligator Loki?
RICHARD E. GRANT: Alligator Loki was fantastic because in reality, he was three stuffed sofa cushions that had been sewn roughly together to react to. [Laughs] The fact that I was the only person that could understand what he was saying was just fantastic. I think it's the perfect segue into having Classic Old Loki and Alligator Loki as a sub-series to go to next.
So it's safe to say that you would be willing to reprise this character down the line?
If I had a muscle suit, most certainly. I was denied that. I saw the costume design, and I was very familiar with Jack Kirby's original illustrations from the '60s, so I thought, "Ah, this guy's got muscles!" As I had been born without any, I was finally going to get in a muscle suit. I got to Atlanta [to begin filming], and they said, "There's no muscle suit! You're just wearing this!" I said, "But I look like Kermit the Frog!" They said, "Nope, you're not having a muscle suit." So I was very, very upset about that. [Laughs] Short-changed!
I was going to ask about your first impression when you first put on the costume!
That's what I asked: Where are the muscles? Where are the Stallone/Schwarzeneggers here? Because they're missing! This is what people will expect! This was in the costume drawing, and they're not here, and I don't have them! I was very upset.
When they first asked you to join the show, what was that initial pitch like?
I had known Tom Hiddleston socially for some years, and we'd always joked that we could feasibly play father and son because of our vague physical similarities and hairlines, certainly. So when I got this offer at the beginning of last year, before COVID, I thought, "Alright, this is that moment that I had hoped would come at some point." I thought I would play his father, but I'm playing a variant of him. So that's how that came about. I was thrilled.
Tom has been playing his version of Loki for a decade now. Did you get any guidance from him, or have any conversations with him that you found particularly helpful?
He is a walking Loki-pedia, so he was very, very informative about the whole etymology and the history of the Norse gods and Loki. He's also brilliant at imitating people. He goes on chat shows and imitates famous actors absolutely to the letter. I don't have that talent. So when I read the script of episode 5 that I was offered, I saw that [this older version of Loki] described himself in his backstory of being the god of outcasts — rather than the god of mischief, which is so absolutely embedded in Tom's interpretation of the role. So I thought, well, [if he's] the god of outcasts and is somebody who's been isolated for years and living on these planets and is willing to betray himself by going back and being arrested by the TVA and making the ultimate sacrifice, offering himself up to Asgard, I thought, well, this is somebody who is more in the twilight zone of his life, as am I. As opposed to a young man, who's full of mischief still.
So, I thought that was a way into interpreting this character, rather than trying to do — and something I couldn't possibly succeed at doing — a pale imitation of Tom Hiddleston.
I'd imagine that would be tricky, but it would also be a fun challenge: You're basically sharing scenes with all these different versions of the same character.
Exactly right. And I love the fact that he was the one person who could communicate with the alligator. I love that.
So would you now consider yourself fluent in alligator?
Indeed. I am the Doctor Dolittle of the Marvel universe when it comes to speaking to alligators. I speak alligator fluently. Put that in the contract of when I'm doing a series as Classic Old Loki, with muscles and the alligator. It'll have subtitles, so the audience can hear what the alligator is saying, and everyone else is saying, "What is he saying? What is he talking about?" That'll be the way.
I also wanted to ask about your big finale, where we see your Loki conjure Asgard. What do you remember most about filming that final moment?
Huge wind machines, blue screen in every direction, and following a camera on a crane that was maneuvering around the ceiling of the studio, and then swooping down. I was having to shout at it, and then finally laugh in the face of my own immolation. So it was a great thing to do, with these huge air turbine wind machines that were blowing four tons of air at me from every direction. It was exhilarating.
Did you have any practical elements around you at all, or did you have to imagine and conjure it all yourself?
Most of it you had to imagine. The actual landscape that you walked on was real grass and this sort of rocky landscape, but all the other elements — all the ships and all that stuff — was put in afterwards. We didn't see any of that.
The Loki palace that looked like a sort of bowling alley, that was all for real. Everything that you see in that scene was actually built and practical.
Was it chaotic to film in the bowling alley with all those different versions of Loki, bickering and bantering?
Because there was so much action involved, it was paint-dryingly slow, because action takes much longer to do than five pages of dialogue. I prefer talking, as I'm not exactly an action man, as you can see. [Laughs]
Was there anything about joining the Marvel universe that you weren't expecting or that really surprised you?
I didn't expect to find true love with Owen Wilson. We're having a surrogate baby together in October.
Oh, congratulations!
He was just so hilarious to work with. He's just one of the greatest characters I've ever met. He is so open and curious and amenable, with this sort of dry sense of humor. There seemed to be no divide between Owen Wilson acting his part and then just being Owen Wilson. I don't know if he was scamming me, but he was an absolute delight. I loved him.
Was there a particularly memorable day on set with him?
Yes, when we conceived our twins. [Laughs] No, my daughter encouraged me to post this thing on Twitter and Instagram, where he said, "Richard, I'm going to give you some acting advice. Put your camera on." I said, "Yes, okay!" I owe him for that because it got like 640,000 views already in a few days, which on my Instagram feed is off the chart. It's nothing for Beyoncé, but for mine, I'm pretty gobsmacked.
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Move On VIII (Modern!Ivar/Reader)
A/N: Hello!♥️ Two weeks later, here you go! I only have two things to say: 1. please don't hate me 2. forgive me because it's too long and it might be a bit boring bc my brain was a bit dry this week. BUT the ending is intense. I almost divided it in two different chapters but I'm ending it on chapter 10 and I already have everything planned😔 Please remember there's two chapters left and anything could happen👀 Now enjoy and thanks for reading!
Warnings: fluff, a bit of angst, Hvitty is the best, Alfred is cute, Ivar is Ivar, there's smut, mentions of alcohol, mentions of anxiety and I think that's all!
Words: 7122 (the longest chapter I've ever written sorry)
Move On Masterlist
my three favorite boys by @therealcalicali
You had thought about your wedding day, like every single person on Earth. You imagined it being outside, maybe near the sea, or in the forest, maybe the gardens of a beautiful palace. But for some reason, you never imagined the groom's face. It was always about you, the place and the music, the dress, the flowers, the cake... Until you met Ivar.
Getting married wasn't something you wished to do soon, it could wait. It was more a future plan than a wish, because in some way getting married and having a child was something that scared you. Ivar managed to make you change your mind, suddenly you weren't that scared of having kids or the commitment that implies a wedding. It would be fine as long as he was the one waiting for you at the end of the aisle and the one holding your baby. It would be fine as long as it was him there with you.
Weddings were a celebration of love. At least that was what everyone said, two people that loved each other enough to try and make it last forever. Maybe they gave too much importance to the wedding itself and forgot the love part. Or maybe you were so bitter about anything romantic or related to love that you stopped thinking about them as a love gesture and started seeing it as a contract.
You hadn't heard about Ivar again. Not since that day that ended so badly. Hvitserk said he was still with Freydis, and soon he just stopped talking about him at all. Maybe hoping you'd get over him faster if he didn't mention him. But it wasn't really working.
At least you stopped crying. Now it was more like a sad grimace whenever you thought about it, and sometimes, Hvitserk realized you'd stop talking and looked away, biting your lip and probably thinking about him. Especially when there was something that reminded you of him.
But the problem of being so close to someone, shaping your entire life around him and sharing everything together was that there wasn't really anything that didn't remind you of him.
Alfred, Thora and Hvitserk had organized to be around you all the time. Distracting you, forcing you to go out and Hvitserk even let you do his makeup once. Sometimes it was annoying, but you couldn't be mad at them, they were just trying to make you feel better.
You tried to convince Thora and Hvitserk to go to the wedding together, but she didn't want to go to said wedding. As you promised Alfred you'd go with him, he'd be the one picking you up, and you'd see Hvitserk in there.
Of course, Ubbe and Torvi chose a beautiful forest near their own home to celebrate the wedding. A pagan wedding. You had been to a few of those with Ivar, as he and his family still worshipped the Norse gods. But this time you felt like an intruder, as you weren't even part of the family anymore, and your date was a Christian man.
The dress Hvitserk chose didn't look that good on you at home as it had looked on the changing rooms, as always, but you forced yourself to wear it with confidence. You even practiced walking with the new heels you had bought, and at that point you just wished you wouldn't fall in front of everyone.
You chose a very natural makeup, and a simple hairstyle that was within your humble means. You didn't want to draw attention and wished that the guests wouldn't recognize you. The last thing you needed was people talking about you and Ivar.
Traditions were traditions, nonetheless, and you wore red underwear to try and feel a bit sexier. Even if you had tried to get rid of the red dresses and underwear you wore to catch Ivar's attention, that red set in particular was too precious for you. It was the first one he bought you, and you still remembered the first night you wore it.
And, why am I thinking about Ivar now?
You sighed and looked at your own reflect on the mirror. You were ready, just needed to put those deadly traps on your feet and grab your purse. Alfred had called and he was on his way.
Oh yeah, because you're seeing him today. For the first time in months, you were going to see him again and with Freydis on his arm. You didn't even know how you'd react, but it had given you nightmares for days.
The doorbell rang, and you finished putting on the heels before walking to the door and opening it. Alfred looked like a prince, with his black suit and a flower on his hand. A sunflower. It made you smile more than it was socially acceptable.
"Hi" you waved at him "You look good" you winked at him, Alfred chuckled and blushed softly.
"Hello" he nodded politely "You look..." he stopped to look at you in the eye and sighed "Absolutely beautiful"
"Oh, um..." you looked down, flustered "Thank you, I... Didn't expect a compliment now"
Alfred smiled and took your hand, making you twirl and giggle.
"This is for you" he gave you the sunflower. You bit your lip and took it.
"You're always giving me flowers"
"Because you deserve them" he shrugged "Are you ready?"
You nodded. Taking the purse you left next to the door and checking you had everything.
"Okay" you sighed "Let's go"
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As soon as you got out of the car someone covered your eyes. You laughed and grabbed his arms to avoid losing your balance.
"Hvitserk" you put his hands away and turned to look at him "Look at you! You look nice"
He did look nice. His dirty blonde hair was braided and the suit looked good on him, it made his green eyes stand out.
"You look very nice too" he winked at you, his flirtatious smirk made you roll your eyes "Nice dress, who chose it?"
"Someone with a very good taste, obviously" you laughed "Are we late?"
Hvitserk turned to greet Alfred. The both of them weren't exactly friends, but thanks to you they were at least civil with each other and you were more than happy with that.
"You're just on time" he sighed "The guests are starting to get in" he pointed at the small path adorned with flowers and wooden decorations that entered the forest "Ubbe is already there, he's surprisingly relaxed, considering the fact he's marrying Torvi" Hvitserk muttered the last part and you raised an eyebrow.
"I would like to say hello to Ubbe before the ceremony starts" said Alfred with a small smile. He was very close to Ubbe, and worked with him frequently. You could say Ubbe was his favorite Lothbrok, and you couldn't blame him.
Hvitserk nodded and stepped back.
"I have to look for my brother, he told me he was close" he explained "But go, I'll catch you later"
My brother, Hvitserk now only referred to Ivar as 'his brother', noticing how you sometimes flinched when you heard his name, even if it was just because the thought of him startled you.
You grabbed Alfred's arm and hoped you wouldn't fall with the heels, he seemed to think the same, because he held you tightly.
"Doesn't it bother you that this is a pagan wedding?" You asked, genuinely curious when you caught a glance of the cross that hang from his neck. It belonged to his biological father, who passed away before he was born.
Alfred seemed amused at the question.
"I'm not bothered by people believing in other Gods, Y/N" he chuckled "In fact, I find paganism very interesting, and Ubbe told me a lot about his Gods and Goddesses, it's interesting, and I don't think my own God would be mad at me for respecting other beliefs"
You nodded slowly. Alfred was very religious, but not on an obsessive way. It was one of the things you liked about him, how relaxed but loyal he was about his religion.
Ivar was also very religious, but focused on a very different religion. It was something they had in common even if they wouldn't ever recognize it, but you could see it in both of them.
"Besides, I'll confess that Norse weddings are often much more fun than the Christian weddings" he added with a smile.
"Oh, are you getting drunk tonight?" you teased with a small smile. Alfred shook his head but laughed.
"Maybe" he raised an eyebrow "But only if you drink with me"
"Obviously" you rolled your eyes "On the last wedding I went to, Hvitserk, Ivar and I stole a bottle of tequila and got drunk on the car while listening to my favorite playlist"
"Wow" he laughed again "Okay, I'll try to keep up with you then"
There was a lot of people at the clearing already. You remembered Ubbe's first wedding, the first one you attended to with Ivar. He looked more relaxed now, and happier.
"Alfred" he greeted your companion with a big smile and a bone-crushing hug. Alfred smiled widely and hugged him back "You look good, man, thanks for coming"
"Of course, Ubbe" when they separated, he touched his shoulder firmly "I'm happy for you"
"I was a bit confused when your family arrived without you" Ubbe pointed to a group of people. When you turned to look at them, they turned around to pretend they weren't looking at you, making you raise an eyebrow and Alfred frown and blush "But I see you have better company" he laughed "Hello, Y/N"
When he leant in to hug you, you sighed. Ubbe gave the best hugs ever.
"Hi" you smiled "Thank you for inviting me"
"Are you joking?" he shook his head "You're like my sister, of course we'd invite you, you look pretty" he nodded "My mother is going to be thrilled to see you" he pointed at Aslaug, who stood all alone away from the crowd "She scolded all of us during the last family dinner, saying how you were too good for this family and we didn't appreciate you enough"
You smiled softly, Aslaug always treated you like a daughter.
"I'm gonna go say hello to her" you looked back at them. Alfred nodded and watched you leave until Ubbe hit his head softly with a smirk.
Aslaug never had a good relationship with the rest of the family. Ivar told you no one truly accepted her when Ragnar divorced Lagertha, and she spent most of the time taking care of Ivar. When Ragnar left, she just ignored them.
Ubbe was right, her eyes lightened up and she gave you a big smile when you approached.
"Y/N! Oh, Gods, you look so beautiful" she hugged you tightly "How have you been? I asked Hvitserk about you but he wasn't very specific"
"Hi" you smiled back at her "I'm fine, I think, you look beautiful too"
She seemed to like that comment. She did look very pretty, with her wavy, blonde hair braided and wearing a beautiful blue dress.
"I'm so glad to see you" she sighed "I missed you, you have to come with Hvitserk some day"
You wondered if she knew about the fact that you had slept with Hvitserk. But just when you were about to reply, she looked at someone just behind you, and you tensed up. There was only one person that could make Aslaug smile like that, and you weren't too excited to see him.
When you turned around, you forgot how to breath for a moment. Ivar wore a dark grey suit, that made his deep blue eyes shine like sapphires. He leant into the crutch and walked slowly, looking around with his eyebrow raised, as if he truly believed no one was worthy of his presence. After months without seeing him, thinking you were actually making progress in moving on, you realized you were still too into him. He was just too much.
When you were able to tear your eyes off of him, you realized Freydis was with him, dressed in red and looking so effortlessly beautiful that you felt like crying again.
Hvitserk reached you first, greeting his mother with a kiss on her cheek and putting his arm around your shoulders.
"Come on, let's go, this is about to begin" he whispered. When you left, you could feel Ivar's eyes on you, nearly burning. You didn't dare to look at him.
_______________________________________
Torvi was so beautiful on her white dress and the flower crown on top of the small braids on her hair that you couldn't help but tear up a bit. Ubbe looked at her with such an intensity, with eyes so full of love that you envied both of them for a moment. They couldn't stop looking at each other, they were so lost in themselves that barely listened to the völva that married them. To be fair, you barely listened either. It made you wish you had someone to look at like that, someone that looked at you like that. A few months earlier, you thought you had it.
Maybe you still could have it, with Alfred. He was the sweetest person you had ever met, and he treated you like a queen, always giving you space and making sure you were okay. You loved him so much you thought you'd explode if he had another sweet gesture with you, but it wasn't romantic love. You could try and maybe in some more months you could fall in love with him, but you didn't want to break his heart, he didn't deserve it.
And Hvitserk? He was your best friend, but even if you could feel attracted to him, you knew it wouldn't work. And both Alfred and Hvitserk deserved true love. But it wasn't you.
Ivar sat on the front rows, with his brothers and his parents. Freydis was sitting next to him, but they didn't touch each other. In fact, they barely talked. Then the völva talked about twin flames, about true love that always found its way through every single obstacle, and when you looked at him, he was looking right back at you.
______________________________________
"You're back to drinking, huh?" Hvitserk laughed while sitting next to you. You groaned and bit your lip to hold back a laugh.
"I needed it" you pouted, looking at the drink you just ordered "Alfred introduced me to his family, but I don't think they like me very much"
Hvitserk stole your drink and took a sip, making you glare at him.
"His family is very protective of him" he shrugged "And you're probably not very popular considering you're Ivar's ex"
You turned your head to look at them, standing at the other side of the room. Judith, Alfred's mother, at least had been nice, but Aethelwulf, his (adoptive) father, looked at you suspiciously. You already knew Aethelred, his brother, but even if he greeted you politely, he didn't seem too happy with you either.
You also spent some time with the newlyweds, Björn and his wife and Lagertha, but you also felt out of place. In fact, you didn't feel comfortable until you stepped away from the crowd and reached the bar.
"There's food there, Hvitserk" you snatched your drink from his hand "Leave my drink alone"
He chuckled.
"I figured you needed some company, you look a bit sad here all alone" he shrugged again "Besides, I don't really feel comfortable in there" he frowned. The guests were finishing their food and getting up to dance and talk around the room. The venue in which the feast took place belonged to a friend of Ubbe's, so they had gotten the biggest salon.
Aslaug chatted with Floki and Helga, Ragnar tried to flirt with an amused Lagertha and Sigurd and Ivar had argued at least three times during the feast, with Björn interfering to avoid a possible murder. So the atmosphere was a bit tense and awkward.
"Remind me to never celebrate a wedding with my family" Hvitserk sighed. You giggled and shook your head "I mean it, is there anything worse than a wedding with a dysfunctional family?"
"A wedding with a functional family" you raised an eyebrow "That would be boring"
Fortunately, no one paid too much attention to you. Helga greeted you excitedly, and Floki hugged you and told you Freki missed you. You teared up remembering the sweet husky they had in Iceland. Sigurd was also nicer to you now than when you were with Ivar. Blaeja smiled to you shyly. Everything was awkward and felt weird, like you shouldn't be there.
The only one you hadn't talked to was Ragnar and, of course, Ivar. After he was finished eating, he sat down with Freydis. She tried to say hello to you with a sweet smile but Alfred had interrupted her and took you away. You nearly kissed him in gratitude.
"My father asked about you" Hvitserk added when he saw you staring at Ragnar, who was now talking to Harald Finehair.
"Really?" you frowned "I didn't think he'd remember me"
Even if you had been with Ivar for years, you had only met his father a few times, during important events or festivities. Usually, he was traveling the world, working and avoiding his responsibilities as a husband and a father.
"Of course he remembers you, he always asked about you... Don't tell anyone, but you were his favorite daughter-in-law, remember that time when you managed to make Ivar apologize to Sigurd after he insulted him during Jul? He was impressed"
"And he told you that" you rolled your eyes, thinking Hvitserk was probably making it up to make you feel better.
"Yes, he did, he also called Ivar a fucking idiot when he heard he left you, it was the first time I agreed with my father in a long time"
That made you smile.
"Your family is too nice with me" you sighed "I'm gonna miss them"
That startled Hvitserk.
"What? Why? Where are you going?" he glared at you "You're not leaving"
"I don't know" you took another sip of your drink "I talked to Alfred about it, he had friends in England that could help me get a job there and..."
"England?" Hvitserk scowled "You're moving to England?"
"I'm not" his indignation amused you "Not for now, I think, it's just an idea"
"You can't leave me here" he pouted "Who is going to come with me to the pub then?"
"I'm sure you'd find someone to get drunk with pretty soon"
He shook his head, and the two of you stayed in silence for a couple of minutes.
"It's impossible to replace you, Y/N" he whispered "You're too special for that"
"Aw" you felt a lump in your throat and the urge to hug him "That's sweet, Hvitty"
"I mean it" he winked at you "You're great, I just wish you saw it too"
"Keep saying these things to me and I'll give you my drink"
He smiled, but shook his head and stood up.
"I'm going to talk to Ubbe" he announced, you saw he was now talking to Floki and Aslaug, away from Björn and Lagertha "I have something to give to him"
You nodded and watched him leave with a small smile. Once again, you should have fallen in love with him.
_______________________________
After three drinks, you stopped feeling intimidated by the crowd, at least a bit, and felt brave enough to get closer to it. Your eyes fixed on Ivar and Freydis, still sitting down and who seemed to be having a deep conversation. It didn't look good, but before you could even start wondering what they were talking about, someone put their arm around you, startling you.
"Hello, Y/N" you turned around to see Ragnar, already a bit drunk and with a big smile on his lips. His eyes, so similar to Ivar's, seemed to look directly into your soul "Long time no see"
"Hi" you smiled at him "How are you?"
He frowned, then grimaced and then shook his head.
"I'm... Alive" he shrugged "So, you and little Alfred?"
Ragnar Lothbrok wasn't one to beat around the bush.
"We're friends" you chuckled "He's been an amazing friend to me these past months"
"Yeah, after my... Brilliant son fucked it up" he clenched his jaw, taking a sip of his beer "Alfred is a really good kid, son of a great man"
"He's the best" you nodded "Did you know his father?"
For the first time, the smile on Ragnar's face faltered.
"Yes, I did" he cleared his throat "He was a very good friend of mine"
"He'd be proud of his son, then" you smiled, looking at Alfred who was currently talking to his brother.
"He would" Ragnar nodded "Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my own sons" he muttered, and you raised an eyebrow.
"Why?" you chuckled.
"I must admit it's my fault" he sighed "They inherited it from me, the capacity of ruining everything when they have a great woman by their side" you'd swear his eyes fixed on Lagertha and then on Aslaug for a moment "Ivar is the smartest boy I've ever seen, but he can also be stupid sometimes, you know it, because you understand him better than anyone, better than himself, even than his own mother" you bit your lip, looking away "And I know he regrets it"
"Look, I really love Ivar" you sighed "I will always love him because he was a very important part of my life for years, but he's happy with Freydis now, and I'm glad he's happy"
Ragnar chuckled, shaking his head.
"I'd argue with you on that, but Alfred is coming and I think you deserve a good time with him now rather than talking about my son" he winked "See you around, Y/N"
Before you could reply, he left, walking towards the bar as he finished his drink.
"Hello" Alfred stopped next to you, also looking at Ragnar with an eyebrow raised "Everything okay?"
You turned your head and smiled softly at him.
"Yes, I think" you giggled "It's just Ragnar being weird"
He hummed, like he understood exactly what you meant.
"I just wanted to ask you if you..." he looked around with a frown, and blushed furiously "Maybe, want to dance?"
You were surprised, thinking no one really danced at these things, but a quick look around made you realized that people were definitely dancing, or well, at least they were trying.
Ubbe and Torvi moved slowly together, with their foreheads pressed together and a small smile on their lips. Around them, some couples danced at the rhythm of a slow song.
"Oh, um..." you licked your lips, nervously "Sure, I'd love to"
Alfred looked relieved, and took your hand softly, leading you to the dance floor. Or well, the part of the salon on which people danced.
He knew how to dance, of course he did. You nearly rolled your eyes when he whispered that you should put your hand on his shoulder and started leading your movements. He was too soft, too polite and too perfect. You looked at his face intensely as he danced and you moved clumsily with him. He didn't make eye contact, too nervous and always looking down.
"Alfred" you pouted "You're one of the most amazing men I've ever met" you stopped moving to hug him "Oh my god, I wish I could..."
He hugged you back, nodding against your neck.
"I wish that too" he muttered "But I can't force you"
"I tried, I really did, and I love you so much, but..."
"Hey" he stopped hugging you, and cupped your face softly "Look at me, Y/N, you don't have to explain yourself, you feel what you feel and it's fine, I'll get over it" he giggled as you teared up, feeling the worst person in the world "We're friends, and that will never change"
You nodded.
"Thank you" you took a deep breath "For everything"
"Of course" he smiled "I think it's time you start being a bit more selfish and put yourself first, stop worrying about what the others are feeling, focus on yourself"
You hugged him again and kissed his cheek.
"I'm gonna go get some air" you took a deep breath "I'll be back, okay?"
He nodded, letting you go. You rushed to the door and left the building, only breathing again when you were out in the garden. It was a pretty entrance, with cobblestones, a lovely fountain and some flowers. At least it was peaceful and quiet. Or you thought it was, because you heard a metal noise and a groan, which made you jump and gasp before you looked to the side.
It was already dark, and the only source of light were the lovely streetlights adorned with ivy. It came from one of the benches at the side of the entrance, and you nearly cried when you saw the source of the noise.
"Ivar?" you sighed, drying your tears with your fingers "What are you doing here?"
He raised his head and glared at you with his jaw clenched, he had been focused on his braces and didn't even hear you approaching. When he didn't reply, you frowned and walked towards him, walking slowly to avoid falling down with the damned heels.
"Where's Freydis?" you asked softly, understanding something was wrong.
"She left" his voice sounded dry and empty, almost as if he had been crying.
"Why?"
"Because I told her to leave" he pouted. Ivar had the tendency to pout, and he hated when you said he looked cute doing it, probably thinking he looked intimidating.
You sat down on the bench, and decided not to ask because he didn't seem too inclined to talk about it.
"What's wrong with the braces?" you asked slowly.
"I don't know" he groaned, grabbing his right leg "I think I moved it and..." his lip started trembling when he started fiddling with it again.
"Stop" you tried to grab his hand, but he ignored you "Ivar, stop, you're going to hurt yourself"
"Why do you care?" he raised his voice, making you scoff "Why don't you go back there with Alfred?"
"Don't yell" you glared at him "After everything you've done, you don't get to yell at me"
He took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes with his hands and shaking his head.
"I want to go home" he sighed "I can't go back there"
"Hey, what happened?" you were starting to get worried, because that wasn't like Ivar "Should I call your brothers? Your mother?"
"No" he shrugged "They will just rant about how stupid I am for letting you go"
You looked away again.
"You did hurt me" you muttered "A lot"
Ivar didn't look at you either.
"That's the worst part" he scoffed "That they're right"
This time you did look at him, surprised and with your lips parted. For a moment, you felt the need to hug and kiss him, but you couldn't.
"If you know they're right why did you do it? And I don't mean breaking up with me, I mean being so cruel, treating me like I was nothing to you"
"I don't know, Y/N" he sighed tiredly "I was angry, you moved on"
"I didn't move on!" you scoffed "Dear God, Ivar, I couldn't move on, I spent the worst months of my life trying to but I couldn't, you're such an asshole" you groaned "You broke up with me, acted like I was nothing but a burden to you, you made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and then had the audacity of acting like I was the one that fucked everything up!"
Ivar's eyes were full of tears when he raised his head again.
"I don't feel like talking about that now"
You were about to keep ranting when you looked at his eyes for the first time, and gasped when you saw how blue they were.
"Did you take your medicines today?" you frowned when he shook his head "Why? Oh God" you groaned "Should we go to the hospital?"
He shook his head again.
"I just want to go home"
"Are you in too much pain, Ivar? Wait, I'll call a cab" you unlocked your phone and stood up.
_________________________________
You had never seen Ivar like that. So quiet and sad, looking at his own feet and not even reacting when you sat down next to him again.
"The cab will be here in ten minutes" you announced softly, regretting being to harsh on him a few minutes earlier "Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital? Maybe we should, it might get worse, what if something happens?" you bit your lip nervously "I should go and tell your family"
"No" he grabbed your arm when you were about to stand up again "Don't tell them, it'll be fine as soon as I get home, take the pills and rest a bit"
"Okay" you sighed "But at least let me get Hvitserk so he can go with you"
Ivar's face changed again, this time he looked like a lost puppy, his pouty lips parted and his eyes fixed on yours, nearly begging.
"Aren't you coming with me?" he whispered, and you sighed.
"I shouldn't" you muttered in reply "I don't think..."
"Please" he insisted, and you noticed the two of you were too close "We need to talk"
He was so soft, so vulnerable in that moment that you nodded slowly, and let yourself lean into him slowly just before you heard someone calling your name.
Hvitserk left the building at the same time you got away from Ivar quickly turning your head to look at him. Ivar looked irritated by the interruption, but didn't say anything.
"Hey" he looked surprised to see the both of you there "Y/N, Alfred said you'd be out here" he frowned "Ivar, I was looking for you... Is everything okay?"
"Hi" you smiled softly "Ivar is not feeling good, he's in pain" you explained, standing up and approaching him "I called a cab"
Hvitserk's big brother side showed up when he walked over to Ivar, frowning.
"You didn't take the medicines?"
"I fought with Freydis, I forgot" he shrugged.
"Where is she?" Hvitserk looked around, a bit confused.
Ivar didn't reply, but they seemed to understand each other perfectly.
You gave them a few minutes together, until you approached them again. Hvitserk stood up with a sigh and shook his head.
"You can leave" he said softly, caressing your arm "I will stay with him"
You heard the cab arriving and looked at Ivar.
"I..." you took Hvitserk's hands "Maybe I should stay with him"
He took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head.
"Y/N..."
"It's okay" you chuckled "It's fine, Hvitserk, I'm fine"
"Are you sure?" he whispered "He is..."
"I know, and it will be okay, we... Need to talk, I think"
If Hvitserk thought you were stupid, he didn't say it.
"If you need anything, call me, okay?"
You nodded as he kissed your temple softly. You could feel Ivar's eyes on you, burning, when the cab stopped next to you and Hvitserk turned to help him.
____________________________________
It felt too familiar to enter their flat, to help Ivar sit on the couch before taking the medicines to him with a glass of water. You were so used to the process that for a moment you forgot everything had changed since the last time you did it.
He did look more relaxed after a few minutes, when you sat on the couch and took your heels off with a tired sigh. You could feel Ivar's eyes on you, but tried to ignore him, too exhausted to start arguing with him again. You felt the pressure on your chest again, as you always did when someone mentioned him or when you saw him, but this time it was a bit less intense, maybe because Freydis wasn't around.
"I'm going to bed" he announced after a few minutes, you supposed that the strong painkillers had already kicked it at least a bit "Today was shit"
You wanted to scream at him, every day had been shit for the last few months because of him. But you were too exhausted of yelling, arguing and crying because of him, you wanted a truce, even if it was just for a few hours.
Ivar got up, grunting and taking deep breaths as he moved slowly towards his bedroom. At first, you weren't even thinking about helping him, you had already done too much for him that night, much more than he actually deserved. But when you looked at him and saw him struggling, you couldn't help it and got up to help him. Usually, Ivar would frown and say he didn't need help, but this time he didn't say a word until you reached his bedroom.
You bit your lip, looking around the room and remembering the last time you were in there. Ivar let himself fall on the bed and sighed in relief when he got to take the braces off. You sat on the bed and looked at him sternly.
"Hvitserk said you've been skipping therapy sessions" you narrowed your eyes at him "And didn't go to doctor's appointments, this is what you get for being an idiot"
Ivar raised an eyebrow, and the ghost of a smile danced on his lips as he turned his head to you.
"You and Hvitserk talked a lot about me, didn't you?" he scoffed "Did he also mention me when you were fucking?"
You rolled your eyes, but you weren't going to play his game anymore, not that night.
"Anyway, I'm leaving" you stood up "Go to sleep and call the doctor tomorrow"
Ivar narrowed his eyes at you.
"I thought we needed to talk" he scowled "But now you want to run back to Alfred"
"Look" you sighed, crossing your arms "You're tired and on a bad mood, I'm tired and a bit drunk, talking it's probably not a good idea, so try and get some rest and we'll talk some other day"
"I saw you dancing" he ignored you completely, making you sigh again "With him"
"Yes, and what about it? You have no right to be bothered by that, because you were with your girlfriend"
"She's no longer my girlfriend" he clenched his jaw and his voice broke a bit "It's over"
Your expression softened. Even if you'd love to slap him in that moment, your heart broke a bit knowing he was hurt.
"What happened?" you asked softly "The last time you told me you loved each other and all of that"
Ivar shrugged, looking away and taking a deep breath.
"I don't know, I suppose she didn't love me that much"
You looked at him with a pout. You could feel that dull pain on your heart when you thought about him, you missed him with your entire life, the thought of your relationship hurt and you knew it will keep hurting forever. Ivar probably didn't care about you, or maybe he saw you more like a friend, because it was obvious Freydis had marked him much more than you in just a few months, you had seen him looking at her. So probably she was his Ivar, that thing that would be painful his entire life.
A part of you wanted to be happy. They broke up, he was mistaken and it didn't work out. But you couldn't do it when you looked into his eyes and saw pain. You couldn't see him in pain.
"I'm sorry" you said softly.
"Are you?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Yes" you rolled your eyes "I don't want to see you sad"
"Wouldn't you feel better yelling and insulting me?"
"Maybe" you shrugged "But I don't have the strength to do it"
Ivar nodded. He didn't have the energy to fight either. You laid down next to him, careful not to wrinkle the dress. Ivar stared at you intensely, and felt the tug on his chest again. He missed you more than he actually realized. It had been during the wedding, when he saw you looking stunning, smiling and greeting people... With Alfred next to you. He knew you'd be worried about him because he hadn't taken the medicines, that you'd make him sit down and would make everyone approach him so he wouldn't have to walk, that you'd take care of him, and if he was feeling better, would make him try to dance with you after the feast. Now you were dancing with Alfred, giggling and hugging his brother, and barely looked at him. And Freydis noticed.
When you looked at him again, he was much closer than you remembered, and it started you as you tried to move, flustered and suddenly very nervous.
"Y/N" he muttered, his hand grabbed your wrist softly and you widened your eyes "Stay, please"
You got lost into his eyes again. They had something magnetic, that attracted and locked you in.
His hand cupped your head to pull you closer, and the pressure on your chest turned into a warm feeling when his lips pressed against yours. It was like coming back after a long trip, when you realized just how much you had missed home, and everything was familiar and in its place. You closed your eyes and kissed him back slowly, too into him to even realize what was happening. Ivar broke the kiss and pecked your lips again a couple of times before deepening the kiss. His hand traveled down your back, making you tremble, until it reached your waist. You couldn't remember when was the last time Ivar kissed you like that, not even when the two of you were still together. He caressed your body over the soft fabric of the dress, and you vaguely thought about the wrinkles but realized you didn't even care.
"Ivar" you muttered against his lips "What are you doing?"
He didn't answer, but kissed you again as his fingers fumbled with the zip of your dress.
"You looked so beautiful today" he sighed "I couldn't stand to even think about someone else taking this dress off"
You were going to reply, but his lips on your neck turned what was going to be a dignified reply into a moan. Ivar had that thing, that charm that was too much for you to handle. He knew your weaknesses, your soft spots and what to do to make you melt in his arms. He knew you couldn't resist him, not even if you wanted to.
It was like going back in time, all the thoughts about the breakup, Freydis, Alfred and Hvitserk left your mind as he took the dress off, throwing it to the other side of the room and biting his lip with a smirk when he recognized the underwear. You tugged on his clothes, and the two of you broke the kiss so he could take the shirt and the tie. You sighed when you saw his tattoos again. You has missed him so much, and how his warm skin felt under your fingers, how his body tensed under your touch.
"Can I?" he asked biting your lower lip, his fingers grazed the side of your panties and you closed your eyes in anticipation before nodding.
"Yes" you moaned, moving to straddle him as you took your bra off. Ivar groaned and pushed his hips against you. Finally, his fingers found your sex, and he pressed onto your clit, and when he started rubbing it in circles you started trembling again.
You tried to touch his member, but you could barely move, until he pushed your panties aside and two of his fingers teased your entrance before entering you. The both of you moaned at the same time, and you moved your hips against his hand trying to follow his pace.
"Gods, you look so beautiful" he groaned, his free hand caressed your body and his lips captured one of your nipples. It was too much, and when he pressed his palm against your clit you gasped and your walls clenched around his fingers. But then he stopped, and your moans of pleasure turned into a bothered whine. You opened your eyes to glare at him and he chuckled, shaking his head.
"You're not going to cum until I'm inside of you" he whispered against your neck. You quickly fumbled with his pants, and when you finally freed his hard member Ivar groaned again. You would have loved to return the favor and leave him on the edge, but you couldn't wait, you needed him. You had waited enough.
"Put it in for me, kitten"
You nearly came hearing his voice on your ear, whispering the pet name he used to call you. Your hand clenched around his cock and he rolled his eyes and moaned deeply, letting you enjoy pretending you had the power for a few seconds. Until you pressed his member against your entrance and he grabbed your hips and thrusted into you.
Your mouth widened on a silent moan. It was intense, and Ivar let you adjust to the size before starting moving, but once he started, he couldn't stop. He sat down to kiss you again, and you grabbed his shoulders and his arms when your legs were too weak to support you anymore.
"Ivar" you moaned against his neck "God, Ivar"
"I missed you so much" he muttered, and it sounded like he truly meant it.
You didn't really have time to think whether he meant it or not because the warm tingle on your lower belly was becoming too much. Your walls started clenching around him and his thrust became sloppy. He breathed heavily against your skin.
"I'm not going to last" he whispered again "You're too much"
You had missed this Ivar so much.
You came around him, moaning his name and digging your nails into his back, your body shaking around him and your face hidden into his neck. Ivar came right after you, and he quickly turned his head to fix his ocean eyes into yours, with his pouty and swollen lips parted just before kissing you again, making you sigh and smile, happy for the first time in months.
____________________________________
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#ivar imagine#ivar smut#ivar lothbrok#ivar the boneless#ivar x reader#vikings#modern ivar#modern vikings#move on
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This pandemic has brought out the worst in me. My sleeping schedule is a mess (I go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 2pm), I'm barely able to get out of the bed, I can barely do the dishes and take out the trash, I spend too much time on YouTube and inside my head, thinking about all the stuff I wanted to work on but being unable to do it.
My memory has also gotten worse - if it's not something I'm not obsessed with then I'll not remember the details. I was trying to snap myself out of this hazy floating by trying to focus my mind at least on reading, which is something I absolutely love, but now I'm unable to focus even on a plot I find interesting and intriguing, my mind immediately starts to wander, or I need to do at least 2 things at once (reading and checking Reddit, or reading and listening to some ambient music). I've also started to not finish stories where I once used to read a book a day.
I know the theory of what I should be doing, but that's it. I'm unable to JUST DO it. I think my Te is trying to motivate me by trying to wake up my conscience, but it's not enough. I hate this because I know I can do things and concentrate and be responsible and productive, but because I'm fine and all my basic needs are met I don't have the need to pull myself together. I used to fuel my 7 by travelling and observing people, but now that we need to stay home, and I have covid (so my friends bring me groceries), my 9w1 core sloth is all too happy to be left alone, with my devices.
I know that this pandemic brought pandemic fatigue with it, plus it's spring and I'm always tired in spring (plus my years-long medical issues with thick blood and low blood pressure), but it's driving me crazy that I could've gotten better at my hobbies and could've reached some of my goals by now only if I DID things. Things that used to work don't help anymore. And then I don't even stay mad long because some new video distracts me.
Is there something from a mbti perspective that can help to start doing things and concentrating on them? (For context I'm an ENFP 9w1 7w6 2w3)
Also thank you so much for this blog, thank you for helping lost souls find their way and be better people, both inside their head and outside when interacting with the outer world ❤️ I haven't been studying mbti for that long but so far I've seen so much valuable information on your blog, and for free!
Are you mad enough at yourself yet to change your behavior?
That's really the bottom line here, because you KNOW that YOU have to start being responsible and doing things and not just wasting your time... but YOU are the only person who will force yourself to do things.
A couple of thoughts. First, I recognize this phenomenon / brain fog. It happened to me several times last year during the pandemic (where I am, things are opening up, so hopefully they will soon for you as well) and I hated it. My mind was unclear, I had lots of things I needed to do but could not focus on any of them. It was, to be honest, a Si grip, which yanks you out of Ne-dom (possibilities, excitement about doing projects, seeing things made real) and turns your intuition into a "fog." There's no access to Fi (do I care about this? if I care, am I a principled person enough to do it?) and no Te (how am I going to prioritize my tasks?), just Si (I'm comfy doing nothing and feeling depressed) and flits of Ne, which only show up as being bored, easily distracted, etc. So some of this is a Si grip, and some of it is general depression (being unfocused, sleeping in late, not taking care of yourself, no motivation even for things you love, unable to finish things). You need to approach it by dealing with both -- getting back into your stronger functions (Ne: envisioning possibilities and finding a purpose, Fi: drawing upon your character and who you want to be and what you care about, to take action, Te: making a plan, forcing yourself to do what needs done, and keeping track of your progress to self-motivate) -- and by recognizing and admitting that you are depressed, and asking what you can do about it.
Second, you have built up some BAD habits during the pandemic. I get it. I fell into some of this as well last autumn, when I ceased being my usual productive self and started leaving work (from home) at 3pm every day. I developed a bad habit of just watching television, which numbed my brain and ultimately bored me. It's only now that I have hope and can go to the store without a mask on that I am feeling happier (my little 7 wing rejoices and has PLANS) and can work through into the late afternoon. I'm re-establishing a schedule that is productive throughout the day instead of allowing myself to "meander" in life. So what you need to do is look at your habits. Make a list of them. Look at what you told me: basically, it is I have become undisciplined, my sleep schedule is bad, and then I wake up late and feel lazy so I don't do anything. What is ONE THING that would jolt you into a different routine? Go to bed on time. Set a time every night, shut off all your devices an hour ahead of it, read a book until you get sleepy, and go to sleep. Wake up at a decent hour. If you wake up at 7am instead of 2pm, your body won't fall into its usual "welp, afternoon is half over, guess I'll watch YouTube" habit. It will go -- wait, what new habit are we forming? Breakfast? Then work?? Okay!
Lastly, and this is HUGELY important for an ENFP -- decide the night before what you are going to accomplish or work on tomorrow. Why? It prepares your brain to know what is expected from it. Unless I do this each night, and have a notion of how I am going to spend my time, my Ne goes ?!?! and I get very little done or waste three hours trying to decide what to do. But if I say, "Okay, tomorrow I am finishing chapter four," I usually finish chapter four (and then some). Today, I have to work at my paying job. I knew this last night, so I am mentally clear and prepared to focus only on the task at hand. I don't treat today as "mine." It belongs to my employer. I know what I am going to do, I intend to do it, and when I get home, I know what else I can work on. Learn to create this habit each night before bed. Decide what tomorrow is going to be like and commit to it.
As for tasks you don't want to do that still need done -- just do them. You can spend 2 weeks avoiding them, or spend an hour and get it over with so you don't feel like crap about yourself because you have kept avoiding it for weeks. Decide, "Tomorrow, I am doing that thing first thing in the morning," and then do it.
You will find that when you start setting yourself tasks (Te) that your Ne starts working properly again -- it will become more focused, less hazy, and more interested in what you can contribute, rather than just mindless "consuming." It's fine to have a down day now and again (even so, it's also useful to have a vague idea the night before of what this day will contain, even if it's fun -- it's fun and exciting to anticipate things) but your life NEEDS structure, or you won't do anything.
I hope you can pull yourself out of this, because you won't be happy unless you do. ENFPs need to get things done, contribute, feel like they are moving forward, and have something to show for their time. Without it, they will get angry at themselves -- as you well know.
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This is where I stop being civil, you have been warned.
Ah yes, dragons, one of the three things keeping me alive right now.
I've been.. obsessed with dragons ever since I was a little kid. It started when I first watched How To Train Your Dragon.
I just find it fascinating; dragons, big beasts with wings and fury, capable of consciousness and morals.
That they could fly; their tails being such a crucial part of the process, and I don't think any other media focuses on the fact that tails are just as important as wings.
I no longer obsess over HTTYD, though it will always hold a special place in my heart.
Next came 4th grade.
Here, I was mostly out of the dragon-phase. Sure, they're cool, but like, I don't spend any brainpower on it.
I saw The Dark Secret (a book, the fourth one in the Wings Of Fire series. At this point, I've basically spelled my name out in big bold letters but let's ignore that yeah :D)
I think, "Hmm, that looks interesting."
AND THEN IT TAKES OVER MY LIFE.
The only word I can use is.. devoured. It devoured me. That series lives rent-free in my head.
My family was not great with me being a dragon-nerd all the time, though they never stopped me, so thanks :)
I talked about it every second, everywhere with anyone who was willing to listen. Eventually it hits you that no, people would not like to listen to a 10-year-old blabber about mythological creatures.
A year later, after mostly keeping to myself about the topic. I find my lord, my saviour, let's call them... Sia.
Sia's quiet, shy, and it took a while for me to get to know them, but we were pretty good friends after a while.
AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENS.
"Hey, what's your favourite book series?"
"Oh, WIngs of Fire."
"wAIT WHAT I LOVE THAT TOO"
"Really?! There's a game I really like too, it's called-"
"Dragon Mania Legends??"
"YES???"
And I had finally found someone to talk to, someone who would listen (and understand!!!) what I was talking about not only one, but two of my favourite things.
Life couldn't be better. :D
..uNTIL THEY HAD TO MOVE TO ANOTHER FUCKING CONTINENT BECAUSE VISAS- *starts sobbing*
I never really left the dragon phase after that. WoF isn't the best, I will admit, but it's my comfort series so <3
After 5th grade, I got into other branches. Fanfic, fanart, YouTube channels. I started too, it took a while, but now I can draw and write about dragons all I want :D (I sound like a 5 year old please-)
Cut to me now, hyperfixated on this wonderfully flawed world. It̀s been 5 years since I'd first seen a dragon, and it's a huge part of who I am today. It's changed my life, probably for the worse - *cut to my grades dropping by 10% after 4th*- but DO I GIVE A FUCK. N O.
No one asked but I have, like, every single mutual on here as a tiny dragon headshot, will they ever see the light of day, probably not, but oh well.
So, uhm, that's how I became possibly the biggest dragon fan to ever exist.
(People really need to remember that just because something has dragons, doesn't mean I think it's aMaZiNg *cough* Raya And The Last Dragon *cough*)
This was less about dragons and more about,,,, me, I'm sorry for putting you through this, and thank you for listening to me.
*hugs you*
My little sister is a huge Dragon nerd, she never stops talking about the new dragons she's hatched on Dragon Mania, and my Lord I've spent so much money buying her the WoF books, she blabbers about the different types and the humans (scavengers?) All the time too, she has shirts and books and toys and she's going into 6th grade next year, and recently she's gotten into Roblox with her best friend and even then it's all dragons
No need to thank me, I'm always happy to listen *hugs you back*
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Rowing the Rarepair Rowboat: Kendra Saunders x Zari Tomaz (Legends of Tomorrow)
Requested by anonymous
"What is it about this year?" Sara finally asks with genuine curiosity and confusion. It's only taken a few weeks for her to ask, "Why now, out of literally any year? What is it that keeps bringing you back here?"
But Zari doesn't answer. She doesn't really have one that doesn't make her sound like a total idiot, so opting out of giving one entirely seems like the smart compromise.
She just shrugs, slipping a hand out of her jacket pocket to push the doors of the coffee shop open.
They walk in, and Zari's almost surprised that Sara follows. She never has before. This is also the first time that Sara's ever actually come with her, though; usually she just takes the jumpship on her own or they just drop her off when they're not on a mission and she feels like taking a small break.
But it's not a big deal. They settle at a small table by the wall somewhere near the middle of the room.
"Oh, come on." Sara crosses her arms on the table, leaning forward with that secretive smirk. "You've been obsessed with 2039 since we did that mission here three weeks ago. There's a reason."
"There isn't a reason," Zari insists. "I just like the year. It's nice, and it's peaceful. And sometimes I just want a break from the ship. Is that really so hard to believe?"
Sara stares at her, gaze never wavering, not even blinking as her eyes narrow slowly. It's like a super weird, analytical staring contest, and Zari's feeling like she isn't winning.
"Nope. Not buying it," Sara decides after a beat. "The team is a nightmare at times but that's why you hide out in your room, not why you take weird trips to Central City in some random year almost every day."
Zari scoffs. "It's not every day. Just the occasional one."
"This is your fourth time this week," Sara states flatly. Raising an eyebrow, she makes a motion towards herself. "So, try again. And really try and convince me this time. Because I am not believing that you--"
"Hey, hope I'm not interrupting."
Zari's eyes widen, and she barely notices Sara immediately tense up in her seat, or her face losing a few shades of colour.
They both look up at the source of the voice, one of the baristas, as she sets a plate down in front of Zari. On it sits a particularly colourful donut, dripping with chocolate and icing and what looks like peanut butter.
Zari smiles at Ciara and receives a slightly nervous, heart-fluttering one in return.
"You usually ask for whatever's new on the specials for the donuts, so..." she bites her lip, her eyes darting to Sara, then back to Zari. "I should let you two get back to it. I'll be... over there. In case you wanna order anything else."
Sara doesn't speak, even when Ciara hesitates a moment longer with a slight raise of her eyebrows. Zari pushes out a chuckle, drawing her attention back to her.
"Thanks. We'll just be a few minutes."
Ciara nods, her eyes soft and lingering on hers, and Zari is a mess on the inside. Thankfully, she has far more composure on the outside or she'd just melt into a puddle on the floor and never come back to 2039.
She can't help but let her own eyes linger on her as she turns and leaves, heading back behind the counter with her colleague.
Doing her best not to act out of the ordinary, she turns back, going to pick up the donut to take a very casual bite.
"Do you know who she is?" Sara hisses out under her breath before Zari can make a move, freezing her to the spot with wide eyes once more.
"No?" Zari ventures uncertainly. "I mean, I've seen her around here whenever I stop by, and she--"
"That's Kendra," Sara cuts her off, a sense of disbelief and urgency to her voice, doing all but pointing over in her direction. "Our Kendra! Hawkgirl! Remember? I told you about her!"
For a second, Zari thinks she's kidding for some insane reason. But there's no trace of a joke on her face.
It's kicking in now. The reason why Sara was so quiet, didn't do her usual flirting thing.
"That's Kendra?" she hisses, leaning across the table. "But you said she died! I thought--"
"Reincarnation, remember?"
Zari shakes her head. Her mouth's open but nothing's coming out. Of all the baristas, of all the random women.
"We didn't know if or when she would come back. I didn't realize that she already had."
Sara turns her head, looking over in Ciara's--or Kendra's--direction, and Zari does the same. Only Kendra's already beat them to it. When their eyes meet, hers widen, and she ducks her head, turning to hide her face from sight.
Something flips in Zari's stomach. Hunger. Definitely hunger.
"Oh my god," Sara breathes out.
"What?" Zari asks in alarm, urgent, just waiting for the next bombshell to drop.
But Sara's smirking, and paired with that narrow-eyed, knowing stare she's giving her is a look that Zari knows all too well.
"You like her," she says. "And she--" She glances at the donut and her expression is beyond disbelief. "She likes you."
"What?" Zari repeats with far more alarm now. "No. No! I don't--what? I don't--she doesn't--"
"You do and she does," Sara insists, both delighted and bewildered. "This is why you keep coming back to this year, isn't it? For Kendra?"
Zari's shaking her head too frantically, too firm, she can feel it only having the opposite affect she wants. She feigns a scoff.
"That would be totally ridiculous." She pauses, hand hovering by the donut. "Right?"
Sara's gaze softens, and her teasing stops. She shakes her head. "No. I get it. If I had known Kendra was here, I'd probably be doing the same."
"So... what do we do now?" Zari asks.
"Well," Sara takes in a deep breath, glancing over at Kendra again, now busy with a customer, "we have to trigger her memories. Remind her who she is. Or was, I suppose."
Zari nods slowly. "Okay. That should be... easy, right?"
Sara makes a face at that. "It did take pushing her off a building and then letting her jump off of the same building to do it last time, but it can't be that hard to make someone remember that they're actually over four-thousand years old."
Just staring is the only response Zari can find in herself. This is great. She gets a crush on a random girl and she turns out to be the Hawkgirl, and technically totally off-limits from what she's heard.
"Wonderful," Zari mutters, as much sarcasm coating her words as there is chocolate on her donut.
Sara clears her throat, eyes wide, and Zari manages to grasp the meaning behind the subtle motion of her head before Kendra fully reaches them again.
"I'm headed out on a break," she says. "But Dora's covering, so if you want anything... you can talk to her."
Zari nods, smiling to keep the fluttering in her chest and out of her throat. "Thanks. Again. We, uh--"
"She does want something else, actually," Sara jumps in, confidence apparently restored now that she knows what she's doing, smirk and all. "And I have a feeling that Dora won't be able to give her your number."
Zari's eyes snap to her, Kendra's eyebrows shooting up in surprise. She really hopes that her silent threat of murder gets across.
But Sara just leans back in her seat, all casual-like, and waves a hand lazily at Zari.
"My friend here is really shy, but she would love to go out with you some time if you're interested," she says.
So this is what dying of embarrassment feels like then.
She expected to experience it because of Nate, or maybe Ray, even Charlie can say some things that border on making her want to disappear, but she trusted Sara!
To her surprise, when she chances a look at Kendra while consciously choosing not to deny what Sara's saying (for the sake of the plan, for Kendra's memories, obviously), she finds a smile curving her lips.
Her gaze locks with hers as Kendra says, "I'd love to."
She just watches in shock as Kendra then pulls her phone out and writes her number down on a napkin that Sara very enthusiastically offers to her.
"I guess I'll see you soon then," Kendra says, her smile bright as she tucks her phone back into her pocket once she's done.
"Yeah. See you later," Zari agrees, almost feeling completely disconnected from her body, like she's running on autopilot.
As soon as she's out if the door, Sara's leaning right back across the table, saying, "Okay, grab that donut and that napkin and let's get back to the waverider. We have a date."
"We?" Zari repeats.
Sara shrugs. "You know what I mean. But we need to get you ready, so, come on."
#legends of tomorrow#kendra saunders#zari tomaz#kendra x zari#zari x kendra#lot#lotedit#legendsedit#moodboard#aeshthetic#ficlet#drabble#rowing the rarepair rowboat#myedit*#okay let me first apologize for accidentally making this into a sort of zari/kendra/sara thing#couldn't help myself apparently#but also I really love the idea of this ship so much#zari and kendra should have met#I'm now mad that they didn't!!#and also I have no idea how kendra's reincarnation works so just go with it okay#two of her reincarnations can be baristas in central city!! it's not weird!! shush!!
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RNM 2x07 - Como La Flor
Apologies for being so late this week!! Lots of translating to do, and research. Mucho gracias to @queenrikki for reviewing this one for me!
EPISODE SUMMARY:
OLD WOUNDS — Liz (Jeanine Mason) is forced to revisit a painful part of her past when her mother Helena (guest star Bertila Damas) shows up at the diner unexpectedly. Michael (Michael Vlamis) urges Maria (Heather Hemmens) to seek help after she experiences a strange vision, and Kyle’s (Michael Trevino) attempt to get Steph (guest star Justina Adorno) to open up doesn’t go as planned. Finally, Helena’s arrival in Roswell sends Rosa spiraling. Nathan Dean and Lily Cowles also star. Barbara Brown directed the episode written by Danny Tolli & Carolina Rivera (#207). Original airdate 4/27/2020.
DETAILS:
Max and Isobel both describing to Rosa how it feels to use (and control) your powers.
Isobel:
"Ground your intention. Feel the current running through your body, your hands guiding it with purpose."
Max:
"Okay, draw energy from your spine…"
Arturo on Rosa:
"I heard a little mouse crying in her room this morning."
Escamoles - like Liz says in the episode, they're ant larvae. One article I found called them "the Caviar of the Mexican desert".
Helena calls Liz "mi corazón", which means "my heart".
"Arturito, te ves bien."
Arturo, you look good.
Adding "ito" to someone's name in Spanish can both be positive or negative. It can refer to smallness or also tenderness (like an affectionate pet name).
@tasyfa pointed out that there was a little timeline error in this scene. Arturo says that he hasn't seen Helena in 7 years, since Jim Valenti's funeral, but last season it was established in 1x12 that Valenti died in 2014. Also, remember the show is a year behind reality right now, so it's still 2019. So off by 2 years.
The reason for Helena's visit - transferring her ownership of the Crashdown for Liz so that Liz can sponsor Arturo's residency for citizenship. I did a lot of research trying to understand and clarify why this is. Thanks to those who weighed in when I was struggling to find a clear answer. Eventually I reached out to Define American, the non-profit org that provides support to the show on racial and immigration related issues. Here's the response:
The short version is that Liz has to meet minimum income requirements in order to sponsor Arturo, because she has to be able to certify that she can financially support him. Since she's currently unemployed except for the Crashdown, transferring half of the ownership to her makes her a business partner and helps her to meet the income requirements.
The Spanish:
"¿Cuánto quieres, Mamá?"
How much do you want, Mama?
"She has a very thoughtful manicure."
If you don't understand, it's cool. I'm not going to explain here. Feel free to DM me though! I won't judge, promise!!
Narrative thread about Max's nightmare/memory continues from 2x03 and 2x06. Don't forget that 2x03 was just Isobel remembering it. Max was a hallucination. So when he brings it up here, it might be something they haven't discussed in a very long time.
The Spanish from Rosa on her red jacket:
"Eres una mujercita."
Basically translates to you're a little woman or young woman. I assume the "cita" is supposed to be diminutive here.
"Mom is an opportunist. If she found out she had a kid who came back from the dead she would use you to get to Anderson Cooper. And then she'd use him to promote her latest lounge singer gig."
"Isobel pays double. Becky tax."
A Becky, according to common colloquial use, is an annoying white woman, usually entitled and privileged.
Lead bartender quit..meaning there's a job opening at the Pony…hmm. Wonder if any of our characters need a job... 🤔
Maria's vision:
Michael drops the change
Flash to Kyle dropping his keys & bending down to pick them up.
Kyle staring into a bright light.
Maria shouting his name.
"My heart was broken. Liz ended things and a part of me died."
Max's story to Valenti… not all THAT far off from the truth.
Note: has anyone told him about Valenti investigating him? We know Liz and Isobel were questioned. Michael was present when Liz was questioned. Kyle knows the whole theory his mom was pursuing. And he just wanders in there like nothing happened?
"Try leading several short staffed investigations with the mayor breathing down your neck."
Another subtle reference to the mayor, including the election banners hung around town in S2 and his "anti-immigrant agenda" which was referenced in S1.
Max has been with the department since he was 18 - this is the first time we learned that. In 2x05 we learned he was there at 21. So that timeline has now been further clarified. Which also means he was hired during Jim Valenti's time as Sheriff.
"I need eyes on you at all times now."
Definitely implies a lack of trust, or possibly still wanting to keep an eye on him for the purpose of her investigation (not a fact, just a theory).
Steph tells Kyle that she's always hanging around the hospital because she's doing admin work for her dad.
"I'm starting to feel like you're a ghost who only I can see."
"Ask them if they can see me. Or if you were just talking to a ghost."
Note that ghosts have been a running theme this season with Rosa returning from the dead. This seems to be in line with that. Or are they subtly tying Steph to Rosa (I'm grasping at straws here, probably).
Liz leaves the safe on 3...but before she changes it is on 81. Helena leaves it on 78 after stealing the ring. Good continuity, RNM!
The whole "my mom hates cops" theme is a little confusing to me. I mean, it makes sense given what we know about Helena. Except that she had an affair with Jim Valenti, who was… a cop. And also an addict. Maybe it was different because they rehabbed together (just an assumption, not a fact). Or maybe the Jim experience contributed to her dislike of cops.
Liz...might be grasping at straws when she refers to police work as "something you love" to Max. He didn't exactly seem enamoured by the job when we first met him in Season 1.
First time we learn Max and Isobel's father's name. And it is… Dave. 🤔
The Spanish Helena uses when she meets Max:
"Pero que guapo estas."
But how handsome you are.
"Cuidado Arturito."
Careful, Arturo…
Helena found Liz and Diego's wedding registry online.
“Look there are medical reasons for non-drug-induced hallucinations - epilepsy, schizophrenia…”
“My mom has a degenerative brain disease. My grandma did too. I've always known I'd be next.”
Helena wanted to be Selena.
Which fits with Liz's lounge singer comment earlier.
And the "drunkenly singing in the car with your daughters in the backseat" fits with the story Liz and Rosa discussed in 2x02 about the car accident they got into as kids with Helena driving drunk.
Helena shows Liz her ten years sober chip, suggesting that she's been sober since Rosa died, but Rosa finds pills in Helena's car later in the episode. Oxycodone. The same drug that Rosa used to steal from her mom as a kid (which we learned about in 2x04) and the same drug that she and Kyle discussed when he was checking her health in 2x01.
During Helena's toast to Rosa:
Preciosa = precious
Rosa Linda… still not sure personally if this is a continuity error or a pet name. I’m inclined to go with a pet name. Throughout the whole episode Helena uses lots of pet names, nicknames, diminutives to address people. Rosa Linda may be just another version of this since Rosa's middle name was pretty well established as Helena in Season 1 between her grave, memorial pamphlet, etc.
Kyle calls attention to Steph's bandage on her arm. She says she gave blood, but it feels like she's evading.
Also she calls him McDreamy, which is a Grey's Anatomy reference. Kyle called himself McSexy (another Grey's nickname) in 1x08 as well.
Note: I've seen some people talk about the speech about his sick friend as being about Maria, but I think he's really talking about Steph. Or both, vaguely. He's certainly trying to get Steph to open up to him. Here's what he says:
"I just found out a friend of mine is sick. And I can't do anything to help her. And I hate feeling helpless."
Only after Steph puts her walls back up, does he gesture to Mimi's files.
The Spanish:
"Oh, ándale, gùero."
Ándale is like, go! Or let's go! Gùero we discussed earlier...basically white boy.
Por favor - please
Rosa's art that we first saw in 2x05 now looks finished:
Isobel's graffiti "In Pod We Trust"
Both Isobel and Rosa's graffiti:
Isobel's assessment of Rosa's art
"That's a black hole. An unstoppable force of destruction. And it's getting closer. I see a girl looking into her own doom. She thinks it's inevitable, that she can't stop it, but she can. See, she created it. That means she can destroy it."
Rosa on Isobel's efforts to help her:
"You and Max, you keep talking about harnessing emotion and grounding myself, right? But I can't do that. It is in my DNA to be screwed up. Literally. My mom's mentally ill. So, so am I. I was broken long before Noah did what he did. That's why he chose me to prey on. That's probably why he chose you too."
Maria on her grandmother:
"When I was a child my Grandma Patty was the only adult who understood my make-believe world. Thing is, I was six. So my favorite things about her were just illness, I guess…"
Maria on her mom:
"She was always kind of out there. By the time I realized it was more than that, I just became obsessed with money. Wanted to be able to take care of her. I invested everything Grandma Patty left me, and I worked, scrounged. It was about three days after my mom was finally fired from her job at the Pony, I bought the place."
Maria's blood does not contain the alien protein that Kyle found in the Pod Squad and Rosa after being in the Pod for a decade. (and yes, he actually said Pod Squad, which feels like an OG fandom victory)
"Look, there is one thing I noticed in your grandmother's file. Her insurance company is the same one that paid for my dad's cancer treatments...My dad got cancer because of an alien incident at Caulfield Prison. A fake insurance company established by Project Shepherd covered his bills."
"Okay so my grandmother got sick at the same alien prison where your mother died?"
More Spanish (there's lots of it this week).
Helena, when she gestures to the present:
"Abre tu regalo."
Open your gift.
Quinces is just slang for Quinceanera.
Just in case you're not familiar with quinceaneras (Liz's was also referenced in 1x02).
"Mija, me enseñas tus prom photos?"
Daughter, show me your prom photos.
Regarding the power outage. Liz thought it was Max. Max thought it was Rosa. But the wire is frayed, like it was cut or chewed through. So it wasn't alien power related. When Arturo finds the wire though, he says, "Must have been a little mouse." Which is how he referred to Rosa earlier in the episode. So the question is, does he actually think it was a mouse? Or does he think Rosa cut the wire? And if Rosa did cut the wire, then why? To distract them while she goes after her mom's car?
In the big Liz/Helena argument, Helena calls Max “a güerito cop”. Güero means white person, similar to the more commonly used gringo. But by adding the “ito” onto the end (like discussed before), Helena is basically diminuitizing Max. She’s using the “smallness” above to basically imply that he’s some white nobody.
“I may not be the PTA mom who made cookies for bake sales or hosted sleepovers, but I sacrificed everything to come to this country to give you a better life.”
This is...not actually true. Liz and Rosa are both natural born U.S. citizens, born in Roswell. So she didn’t “come to this country” for that reason. She was already here when Liz and Rosa came into the picture. And it’s not like she came pregnant with Rosa or anything, since Rosa is Jim Valenti’s daughter.
The ring that Helena took was ARTURO'S mother's ring. It wasn't even Helena's family's heirloom.
Liz and Arturo sharing flan for dessert. At the start of the episode before Helena arrived they discussed making flan for Rosa.
Arturo admits that he always knew the truth about Rosa's heritage. (*fistpump* that's one of my headcanons coming true).
"Rosa es mi hija, siempre y para toda la vida."
Rosa is my daughter, always and for life.
"Maybe you're right. I am playing the hero. Just like you're playing the politician's perfect arm candy. See, I did a little digging. And your boyfriend, Dirk-- he ran for city council. It's very impressive. But there's no mention of your daughters. I'm guessing Dirk doesn't even know about Liz or Rosa. Does he know anything about you, Helena? 'Cause it would be such a shame if he found out about a little town called Roswell."
Helena gives Max the ring, but keeps the box… maybe that's what Helena really wanted?
Huevos = eggs. Basically, slang for balls.
"I know that face. You uncovered a massive conspiracy."
"I checked the Caulfield drives. No sign of a Patricia DeLuca, but there was a Patricia Harris. Her maiden name. She signed up to participate in an experimental trial. Government was interested in weaponizing alien abilities. They wanted to create super soldiers. Your grandma was one of the first human subjects."
"Kind of wish I was an alien instead."
"What happened to the experiment?"
"It was a total failure. Caulfield shut it down in the '70s after people started dying. I don't understand how your grandmother got involved."
"I do. Henrietta Lacks, Tuskegee, Holmesburg. The DeLucas aren't the first black people to be secretly experimented on."
Highly encourage you to read these if you're unfamiliar with any of these references. It's African-American history (and really a black mark on U.S. history) that's rarely taught in schools.
Henrietta Lacks:
Tuskegee:
Holmesburg:
Reality versus Maria's flashes… great gifset by @rosaortecho on this here:
Kyle rips his jacket, staggers out to the parking lot, drops his keys, and is almost hit by a car, but Michael throws him out of the way with his powers (and Kyle still ends up injured because he lands on a glass bottle).
"Now that we know your illness is related to Caulfield we can find a cure for it."
"Maybe it's not an illness. I saw the future today, Guerin. When I first found out Grandma Patty was experimented on, I was furious. But what if my genetic inheritance isn't just injustice? It's also actual superpowers. Saved a life today. And not just any life-- Kyle Valenti's. Tomorrow he's gonna turn around and save five more lives."
Liz and Rosa's dueling big sister act is super fascinating. Rosa admits that she wasn't going to burn the car, and then she saw Liz crying, felt helpless, and that's when her powers went all wacky and caused it to explode.
Meanwhile, Liz has spent the whole episode trying to keep Rosa safe from Helena, and is trying to comfort her here by talking about Helena's sobriety.
But--Rosa stole Helena's pills, so she knows Helena is not sober, and she doesn't tell Liz that. Why? To protect her.
At some point these two should probably stop keeping secrets to protect each other and start actually sharing what they know.
Kyle stitches himself up.
Steph quoted in this scene:
"I was up in the gallery contemplating American downfall thanks to progressive socialism."
"People tend to bail when things get real. I'm not into that."
Cameron's car was impounded a couple hours away.
Max is turning in his badge and gun and is turning down desk duty to search for Cam.
Isobel and Michael's discussion at the Pony:
"Do you think that Noah chose me because I was already broken?"
"I think you are the only one of us who ever keeps it together."
"I'm serious, Michael. The night that drifter attacked me, why am I the only one who started blacking out? I mean, Max literally murdered a man, but I'm the one who breaks?"
"You were traumatized. We were kids. At that age, trauma gets etched on to your soul."
"But what if it's not in my soul? What if it's in my DNA? Look, my whole life, I've played Stepford wife, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. But...I need to understand myself now. I need to know where I'm from. And if I don't know who my biological parents are, how am I ever gonna know who I really am?"
"What are you saying, Iz?"
"I know that we said we shouldn't look into the past, but…"
"It keeps pulling you back. Me too. I spent my whole life thinking I'd build a ship and blast off into the ether. And then the minute I decide to leave that all behind and focus on this good thing in front of me, I'm sucked back in. Maria's family was experimented on at Caulfield. I need to find out more so I can find a cure for her illness."
Rosa takes one of her mom's pills. 😭
MUSIC:
1. Cactus Groove "This World"
2. Shelly Fairchild "Drive"
3. Mathis Hunter "Mrs. Vinegar"
4. Big Stone City "Good For Zero"
5. Big Stone City "Way Down Below"
6. Selena "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom"
7. Elizabeth Moen "Best I Can Do"
8. Wagons "Keep Coming Back"
9. AG "Where Is My Mind" (Pixies Cover)
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as an emerging lgbtq+ (i'm 'BT') guy i am so glad you're making the point you made in your last post. I've always gravitated towards Dean because he is so 'imperfect' in his queerness, like me. but he's not a uwu soft queer so apparently that bothers a lot of ppl on here? Especially younger queer women, I've noticed. But a lot of guys, cis and trans, struggle with being attracted to men so much in a way that is simply different (not better or worse) than (1/2)
being wlw, especially depending on one’s generation and region, etc. basically what i’m saying is a lot of the few queer men that there are in the fandom stay quieter as it is almost completely queer women dictating what is and what isnt, and not quite empathizing with the unique struggle many queer men have with internalized homophobia/being Unmanly for being attracted to men. hope this wasn’t too all over the place, ive had this on my mind for a Long time and i’m glad you brought it up. (2/2)
ps: I’m not trying to put down queer women for being a significant part of the fandom. I just really wish the environment of the fandom felt more like somewhere queer men’s voices can be heard better, considering the largest pairing is, needless to say, mlm
Well, first of all, welcome Nonnie. I take it you’re addressing this untitled post addressing intersectionality, representation vs tokenization, represented demographics and just general motivations of those in discussion, yes? (x)
You’ll find this is a longstanding topic of my blog, be it excavating creator commentary people have buried for their own motivations and talked down and around, or dual faceted issues.
(If you haven’t read the crosslinks on the post you’re addressing, you may want to read The Problem With Dreamhunter (x) It discusses exactly this issue, even if it was written over a year ago at that point, showing just how cyclic this issue is. It talks about MLM/WLW intersectional issues, migrating goalposts, a bunch of show stuff and some of Bobo’s sociopolitical commentary from 2003 about advancing LGBT representation through moderate incremental methods being proven effective at expanding the media presence/platform exponentially above liberal, or more severe/extreme styles)
But when it comes down to it, basically: Yeah, you right.
I didn’t just arbitrarily develop this opinion. I didn’t… just magically tune in to what the LGBT men that literally dodge fandom, for exactly the reasons you say, and know it’s because of the reasons you say – like that didn’t manifest. It came from leaving fandom (un)”safe” spaces. It came from engaging a great variety of LGBT males in real life, many of which engage the content. From observing how they spoke of the content in multifandom servers, or even *why* they chose to avoid speaking up.
And no, I personally didn’t get a read of you, like, insulting LGBT women for their part in fandom. Women engage social media for primetime TV fandoms at an exponential rate above men, so it’s almost unavoidable and it’s nobody’s fault really, but that says nothing for the perpetual habit of drowning out their voices to the fact that– well, they literally abandon engaging.
I’ve seen it enough times it *hurts* me. I shouldn’t *have* to pull my gay writing buddy out of holes to face this, and him still hide silently. I shouldn’t *have* to be the vein of news and information on the show to the bi male friend I have that refuses to touch this fandom. I shouldn’t *have* to even speak up about this. I really do want *you all* to speak up about this, because I can only speak so far, because you’re right: OUR JOURNEYS ARE DIFFERENT.
Hell, even a cis lgbt male vs a trans lgb(t obvious) male have entirely different journeys even though they’re both validly men. These battles are not the same. One community can speak up to defend another, and help hold them up and amplify them if there’s just not enough of them to project the way they need to, and this is something *greatly under respected* in this fandom. Nobody’s holding up the LGBT male voices when actually talking about representation. And you’re right, it’s mostly women, and you’re right, our path is different and our struggles and needs and wants and lives are different. But unless you take a considerable amount of time talking and sharing and learning personally the perspective of the LGBT male community, you’re not… really… helping them speak.
And let it be said, “holding up LGBT male voices” does not and should never equate to “despite having multiple LGBT men saying one thing, I found the one LGBT male saying the thing that matches what I want, who may or may not even actually be in the targeted demographic set of the character we’re discussing representation about, because it’s more than just being bi, it’s entire lives, paths and challenges– but you know, I found the ONE, so fuck the others.” That’s using your friends as tokens and cards. If you want to genuinely add to the conversation, what you do is you introduce your male LGBT friend to the other male LGBT friends and let them have a long conversation to talk out the sources of their disagreements before engaging in conversation.
But drawing a pretty base line collective from all people in the represented demographic, respectfully learning the majority wants and needs and struggles, and helping voice those is pretty key.
Women can sit here all day, and pass around things they’ve been told by other women are woke points, or things that sound progressive and good, and often sort of decontextualized from their purpose (be that the dresswear mentioned shortly hereafter, or what LGBT want/expect/SHOULD want or expect – but in the end, if you’re not sitting down and having dialogues – not just with one, or two, or even three LGBT men – but large handfuls and subsets, able to actually critically examine the differences in LGBT males of gen X, Y, or Z and their lives and stories – if you’re not doing that… If *that* isn’t the core of your discussion values, rather than pass-along buzz vibes– then you’re really not talking representation. You think you are. But you’re not.
There’s the uh. Thing. You noticed. About how women expect the men to engage.
When it comes to young queer women, I’m going to risk pissing some people off, but the long and short of it is (I could probably dig up the link but it’s been an eternity) a while ago they ran a psychological study to figure out why young women were attracted to yaoi, and gay porn, especially what is essentially stereotypical force-role type gay porn. It has to do with blooming attraction, primal fear, and trying to make the men more appealing in a way that does not intimidate them.
This later manifests into feminizing them, setting twink/bear roles that go beyond into top/bottom, and conflating it with penetration, position, power, dom/sub, fork/spoon, sometimes served with a dose of internalized misogyny being projected into the vessel of whatever twink/sub is positioned, and generally— like, kink culture. Often this is passed with narrowly progressive-masked arguments of “Men should be allowed to be feminine if they want!” rather than a genuine answer to, “Why do you perpetually heterosexually resize, or reframe, and enforce heterosexual structure onto characters that do not meet this mold, and why is that a personal gain to you?” because in the end– it’s a personal gain. And again, at that point it’s not about representation.
Now again, I’m not… shaming anyone for having a kink. But kink/fetish needs/wants have blurred themselves in as if to hedge on equal territory to discussing canon content. Or sprinkling the quite literal fetishized art (power to you if that’s your thing, I guess, even if I do bear discomfort over fetishization of any LGBT demographic, even by another LGBT demographic) and reasoning with dialogue that implies it as being representative, and inserting that into the representation discussion, which *literally* just makes the entire bog muddier, makes the LGBT men trying to speak more easily dismissed in a vat of “just women/fetishists”, it just– it’s Not a Good. I’m… personally not a fan of it. Like at all. A lot of it makes me angry tbh. So I don’t engage. I don’t browse fanfiction. I look at very little art.
Hell most of the people around here don’t even realize it’s actually a *minority* of LGBT men that choose to engage in penetrative sex, but it’s become a topic of outright obsession around here. There is so much simple… lack of awareness and discussion of the lives LGBT men lead, even by LGBT women because again – we don’t have your path. We can only listen to you. (And BOY have I gotten earfuls from my LGBT male friends absolutely going apeshit banana bonkers over fandom’s obsession with penetration culture, gender role enforcement while feigning it as liberation, and all kinds of other stuff. And that’s what I base most of my talking points on.)
Because if I’m going to talk representation, I’m going to talk about representing the demographic the character is supposed to represent, not molding him into a tokenized wash-over of every single person’s wants. If you’re an LGBT woman that can resonate with Dean Winchester, that’s great. Sometimes representation can be shared. But a character’s origin determines what demo he represents and not all of any given representative’s character’s attributes, methods, functions, anything – not all of it is going to meet any one person’s goals collectively, but the target demographic is inevitably closer to it.
Another point to raise is that it feels like people have lost track of *what* the representation battle is about. It isn’t just about any one person attaching to any one character. It’s about developing a TVscape that looks more representative of the real world, with a fair presence of PoC, of women, of LGBT people of all types, of the disabled community, of people that are even more than one of these, of people with different stories: people. About, well, normalizing it, because it should be normal. About saturating television enough that one day, and that day will not just be tomorrow per convenience, that people won’t be desperate for representation even vaguely in their wheelhouse, that they can turn on and see people of any intersectional type and go– wow, the world finally realizes we’re real. And that in that wide, realistic menu, yes, being able to turn a channel and eventually see someone *just like you*. A day when any show turned on has at least *someone* in your wheelhouse because every show eventually should have some sort of realistic spread, but if you find the *right* show, *there you are.*
That’s how it’s built. We don’t start by footstomping and tokenizing everyone to be vaguely representative of everyone or it doesn’t count because it didn’t work for *them*. We start by sharing truly diverse narratives, each unique to their own, just as diverse as straight stories are, maybe even more. That’s the only way you’re actually going to end up with a TVscape full of The Gays, and full enough to find *explicitly yourself* in there.
Deleting normalized, non-sensationalist text for lacking either visibility or flavor, even if you weren’t the intended demographic for it to speak to, is quite literally contrary to the entire fight.
and tbh?
This shit is why I hate shipping culture.
And I say that as someone who presumably “ships” Dean and Cas, if it’s shipping to address canon bullshit happening in front of you and just watch the show as it folds out without going into denial for *whatever* personal reason.
There’s a lot of well intended people, most shipping fandom is full of good beans, but as a collective group – skewed by sociopathically manipulated dialogues we can literally track the origins of – have been driven into much of the above while genuinely believing they were doing the right thing, in a long chain of being told this was what and how to fight for, without really stopping and critically examining the nuance of the conversation. Because why would you? Seems to be the popular gay thing to do – while a lot of bisexual people currently hide their commentary via reblog hashtags or hedge awkwardly into an anon box sideways.
That all said, it continues to be my focus. It will never change on this blog. I will never surrender to being pressured, be it by antis or bitters or people just wanting to argue, into pretending things that were text are subtext. I will not move that goalpost. You are real, and you are valid, and you are welcome in my inbox any time, Nonnie, confidentiality guaranteed. Like, DM too.
but lmao like shit, dawg. There’s a reason the LGBT guys I’ve had as writing partners as Dean literally refuse to play with another Cas. That’s not just because I’m a *super aweSOME auTHOr*, it’s because they recognize I do not come from the wing lost to fanfiction, to troll wars, or even to shipping culture, love of a ship be damned. I don’t try to force gender roles on them. I listen when they speak, and often, surprise many with the angle I ever enter discussion or listening from to begin with, because of spending so many years listening to begin with. It’s an intrinsic understanding of why they resonate with the content, not what I can pull some transformative art stuff on or wanting to *make* it into anything else to fit *my* molds. It’s because of being someone engaged to the male perspective, without the need to twist or change a character to be content with it, and being WILLING to hold those challenging conversations.
Listen first. Talk later. But never in front of or over the people you claim to be talking for.
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Day 3 - 'Tis The Season To Be Thirsting
The reveals are running a couple days late thanks to our mods getting lost in finishing @nanowrimo (HUGE PROPS to everyone who participated!) - stick with us, we have some awesome people in store!
"Stand with me, Rey"
@my-jedi-life
(Twitter: @MyJediLife | Ao3: MyJediLife)
What got you into Star Wars?
I was 3 when I saw ANH at the drive in with my family. It's my earliest memory. Fast forward 40 years or so, when my best friend Jennifer decided we were watching SW together online. When I saw Adam's face, I was gone all over again... my obsession came roaring back.
What made you a Reylo? Lightbulb moment!
Honestly... I think I became hardcore Reylo with the hand touch.
Why do you write / make art?
Because I have these idiots in my brain telling me to write their stories, and if I don't I may go insane.
The Object of your Thirst…
CLYDE LOGAN. (Or Adam Driver in all other forms)
Which Adam look do you like the best?
Umm.. his Clyde look. Long hair, scruff... goatee and stache.
Which Adam avatar/ role do you like the best?
It's me, people. Clyde Logan.
Which part of Adam do you like the best?
His hair - NO - his lips - WAIT - his eyes... everything. I choose everything.
Favorite Star Wars Movie
The Last Jedi
What do you like to write / draw / paint the most?
Reylogan. Soulmates is a close second.
Your TRoS Prediction
Bendemption by Kylo Ren dying to help get rid of Palpy, and being brought back by some very familiar Force Ghosts as Ben Solo... ending with him and Rey and a binary sunset.
If you were an aesthetic... (colors, images, feels....)
Angst, swirls of dark greens, purples and black.
If you were a candy bar, what would your name be?
Sweet & Nutty
What's your ideal environment for writing / creating?
On my couch, headphones on and music cranked up high.
Are you a dom or sub?
Sub?
What's the most exotic/wierd place you've gotten intimate?
In the back of a 1966 Volare in a state park.
What's your kink?
Adam Driver
Use three words to describe yourself.
Loyal, creative, loving
Meaning behind your nick / ID name
I am living my best Jedi life? I have no idea. It just sounded cool.
Are you a big spoon or little spoon?
Little spoon.
Do you like it rough or soft?
Both?
Favorite toy
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
Favorite fic you read
Forbidden by koderenn, Cable Guy by littlemistake, LWABOC by diasterisms, Unravel Me by UnderTheCancerMoon
Favorite fic you wrote or favorite art you made
River Deep, Mountain High
Favorite SW character besides Kylo and Rey
From the EU: Jacen & Jaina Solo. Maz Kanata and the Mandalorian from Canon.
———
@thoseindarkness
(Twitter: @thoseindarkness | Ao3: thoseindarkness)
What got you into Star Wars?
My Mom when I was a baby, though TLJ brought me into the fandom and publishing fics.
What made you a Reylo? Lightbulb moment!
All the amazing and detailed meta that I saw on Tumblr after TLJ. When I went for re-watches in the theater I wondered how I'd missed all those sexual overtones the first time around.
Why do you write / make art?
Because the voices in my head would drive me crazy if I didn't let them out to play.
The Object of your thirst...
Kylo Ren (in the mask), Ben Solo (out of it), Rey, Hux, Poe, Rose, Holdo. I'm an equal opportunity thirsty.
Which Adam look do you like the best?
That 70's running shoot he did. That's how I like him, lean and wiry, not buff. He's got a great build for it.
Which Adam avatar/ role do you like the best?
Tie between Ben and Phillip Altman.
Which part of Adam do you like the best?
The way his jowls wrinkle when he's emoting.
Favorite Star Wars Movie
Movie: Rogue One. Story: Rebels.
What do you like to write / draw / paint the most?
The real world in every messy, ugly, complicated detail. I think the idea of literature as pure escapism is flawed. I like to show the world as it is and then reveal the beauty in the imperfections. There cannot be light without darkness.
Your TRoS Prediction
I'm not getting my hopes up for anything and can't wait for it to be over. That's when the story group can have the reigns back and start pumping out all the stories that will backfill what really happened in the 30 years between Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakens. That's what I'm most looking forward to.
If you were an aesthetic... (colors, images, feels....)
I think my username says it all. 😘
If you were a candy bar, what would your name be?
I don't know what it would be called, but it would have dark chocolate, Nutella and raspberry.
What's your ideal environment for writing / creating?
At my desk at home, one of my comfy hoodies on, a cup of coffee, some good mood music, and a Reylo fic prompt.
Are you a dom or sub?
Lifelong switch.
What's the most exotic/wierd place you've gotten intimate?
You're going to have to define exotic/weird. I've gotten intimate in semi-public and group settings. I once went through a tollbooth topless while being fondled. Does that count?
(HS: Hells yeah, that counts 😆)
What's your kink?
An inquisitive mind. Not kidding. That will turn me on faster than anything else could.
Use three words to describe yourself.
those in darkness
Meaning behind your nick / ID name
In high school I liked to come up with AIM screen names by creating these evocative incomplete sentences. Like quoting song lyrics without the songs. "thoseindarkness" was one of those names. I liked it so much I've kept it all these years and it's always been either a nerd or writing aligned username for me.
Are you a big spoon or little spoon?
Lifelong switch.
Do you like it rough or soft?
Yes, please.
Favorite toy
The goat 🐐
Favorite fic you read
Very tough call between Wanting by Minkel23, Score by SpaceWaffleHouseTM, and Requiem for a Monster by roane. They are all *very* different.
Favorite fic you wrote or favorite art you made
All the ones I haven't shared yet. Particularly the canon post-TRoS story I've been sitting on since TJL came out.
Favorite SW character besides Kylo and Rey
Kanan mother fucking Jarrus! Since this is a thirst highlight I may as well tell you... I would do such naughty things to that man. Or have Hera do them for me. 🖤
———
Meet the other Thristies!
Thirst Order Advent Calendar Day:
1 | 2
cc: @tazwren @deadlikemoi @drnucleus @ashtyntaytertot @lostinqueue-ffa @my-jedi-life @shestoolazytologin @kaybohls @nite0wl29 @cosmo-gonika @wilsonthinks66 @roguesinside @areylofan @3todream3 @koderenn @queenoferebor @thereylowritingden @housedadam @house-crylo @houseplaidam
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