#I've NEVER seen a pheasant before!! ( ´ ▽ ` ) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

flowerandblood · 11 months

Text

Sweet kiss, sweet blood (2)

[ dark vampire! • Aemond x female ]

[ warnings: sexual tension, profanation, fluff ]

[description: A centuries-old vampire lives in Victorian England, bored and discouraged. His old friend sends him a letter, inviting him to his new country house. Aemond arrives there to rest. Next to the property, there is a small chapel, visited by the faithful. It turns out that at night, a young lady prays in it. Slow burn, sexual tension, profanation, murder, blood drinking.]

I owe the idea for this wonderful series to: @qyburnsghost

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Previous and next chapters: Masterlist

______

When he returned to Ser Criston's mansion he hurriedly drank the entire cup of pheasant blood that he had left to drink in the morning. He couldn't wait. The presence of this young girl unnerved him and aroused in him a thirst he had not known for a long time. When he drank the last drop, he breathed a sigh of relief, putting the cup on the table.

Criston looked at him surprised. He had never seen him like this before. For as long as he could remember Aemond had been one of the most composed people he'd ever known, including hunger. He hesitated to ask the question.

"What happened?" He asked uncertainly. Aemond wiped his mouth with his hand, looking away. He covered his face as if he wanted to shut himself off from the world for a moment and lock himself in his head.

The girl came in a nightgown and a shawl. She couldn't live far away. The thought terrified him and excited him at the same time. He wondered if he shouldn't go back to the city as soon as possible, before it was too late. Nevertheless, instead of saying he was leaving earlier, he said something else.

"Do your neighbors have a daughter?" He asked low and indifferent. Criston looked at him uncertainly, frowning. He didn't say anything for a moment.

"Did you kill her?" He asked suddenly, and Aemond shot him a look of disapproval.

"No." He grunted, looking away. He wondered if he should talk to him about what he felt. Even though they were friends there were some things that was better to kept to themselves. “She is the one who stays in your chapel every night.”

Criston sighed softly in relief, rubbing his temple. He paced a bit around the living room, shrugging his shoulders.

"Like I told you, it doesn't bother me. She may be the Whaterfields' youngest daughter. Her father was my broker when I bought this property. He boasted that she was getting married in a few months." He said, looking at him carefully.

“I've only just moved in here. I wouldn't want any problems, my friend." He said carefully. Aemond stared blankly ahead.

"I know."

After that conversation for several days he did not return to the subject and tried not to think about it. He managed to do this until at night, when he laid on the great, low windowsill and looked through the huge windows towards the chapel, waiting for her to come.

She always sneaked out at the same time, around midnight. First he could see the dim light of the candle, then her. She prayed every day for about an hour and a half, then left and returned home. He wondered what she was praying so fervently for.

One day she didn't go out for longer than usual and it made him nervous. He sat staring at the building, playing with his fingers involuntarily. For some reason he was obsessed with her.

He swallowed loudly, fighting hard against the temptation that was tormenting him. It didn't help that Criston had gone out on a little hunt to provide them with a supply of fresh animal blood. He thought he couldn't stand it.

He got up and gulped down the entire cup of blood that he had left for the morning. He needed to control himself better around her. He took his old, tattered Bible from his coat pocket and left the property, making a determined stride toward the chapel which was still dimly lit.

He walked in noiselessly, feeling himself trembling with excitement. He saw, surprised, that she had simply fallen asleep. Her face was resting on her hands on the armrest in front of her, a barely burning candle and her book beside her. She was bent over, her face pressed against her hand with her cheek, her lips slightly parted.

He felt a tightness in his throat and pants at the sight of her bare arm, the sleeve of her nightgown had slipped down. He wondered what to do. He thought that if he went over to her and woke her up, it would scare her. He decided to just sit in the back and watch her.

He was in no rush.

He watched her chest rise and fall, her mouth parting slightly and closing in a breath. Her whole body felt hot and soft, all throbbing with life. He thought that if he touched her, he would feel a pleasant tingle.

He wondered how she could fall asleep in such a place, especially knowing that she had once met a strange man there. He flinched as she rolled over suddenly, her eyelids fluttering open, looking sleepily around. For a moment she didn't know where she was. She noticed him, her pupils narrowed in horror.

"It's a dream, isn't it?" She asked, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing. He smiled involuntarily at her question, though his expression was not cordial.

"Yes." He replied briefly, wondering what she would do with the information. She shifted in place, thinking for a moment, then frowned.

"You're mocking me, sir." She said it in a way that he thought he heard a note of regret in her voice. He raised his eyebrows in amusement at her statement.

"Perhaps it's all just in your head, miss." He purred, narrowing his gaze, looking at her like a cat looking at a mouse. He saw her swallow hard at his words, her hand trembling slightly against the back of the bench.

"Do you think I'm mad?" She asked, as if she herself wasn't sure if that might not be true. He looked at her intensely, her pleasant scent melting in his nostrils, filling his lungs. He felt like he was in a trance because her.

"We're all mad, Miss Whaterfield." He hummed low, the corner of his mouth curved into a smile. He played with her and watching her reaction was pure delight for him. He saw that she bristled when he said her surname.

"Who are you?" She asked finally, in a slightly firmer tone of voice, looking at him intently.

He thought that she felt more confident. Perhaps because they were sitting at a distance from each other, and it gave her a semblance of security.

"I didn't see you at Sunday mass, sir." She added after a moment.

The thought of her looking for him in the church tickled his ego pleasantly. He looked at her with a smirk for a moment, toying with his book in his hands. They looked at each other intensely. He didn't speak until she gave up, glancing to the side, pursed her lips.

"I came to visit my friend, who lives in the mansion that this chapel belongs to." He finally spoke low and indifferently, tapping his finger on the armrest where he was leaning with one side of his body.

Her eyes lit up at the news. She moved a little closer, placing her hands on the back of the bench, pressing her face against it so that only her eyes and the top of her head protruded above it.

"Are you a friend of Ser Criston Cole?" She asked, this time with curiosity and gentleness in her voice.

Clearly she needed to know who she could pair him with to gain any peace of mind in his company. Aemond nodded, and seeing how quickly she blinked he thought that she was smiling. He thought that he was taking surprisingly much pleasure from this conversation about nothing.

"How long are you staying here, sir? Do you like it here?” She asked, suddenly changing from a terrified, fear-frozen girl into a chatty, warm talker.

Somehow he was touched by the change. He thought deep down that she was too trusting. That if she knew who he was she wouldn't talk to him like that. He decided it didn't matter.

For now.

"Two questions, for two questions." He said low, an amused smirk never leaving his face.

He saw her twist in her place, surprised. He had often played with his meal, but never with such delight and excitement. He thought he'd like to possess her before he tasted her blood. Feel what it's like to be inside her, hot and wet. His manhood throbbed painfully in his pants at the thought.

"Very well." She said softly and he looked at her contentedly.

"I'll stay here a while longer. I came to rest. Why do you pray here and not at home?” He spoke flatly and matter-of-factly, never taking his eye off her.

He knew that it was hard for her to look at him, his gaze burning her. She looked away for a while, embarrassed. She looked up at him in surprise when he asked her a question. She was silent for a moment, as if she was debating whether to tell the truth or make up something. He would know right away if she lied.

“I used to come here with my grandfather when I was little. He told me that God lives here. Then I took it too literally. But ever since then whenever I need private time with our Heavenly Father, I come here.” She said softly, and he grunted in satisfaction, knowing she was telling the truth. He liked what she said.

“I like it here. Are you not afraid that I will hurt you?" He asked, turning his head.

He saw her whole body shudder, suddenly losing again what little trust he had gained from her in the last few minutes. She looked down, swallowing softly, her hand tightening on the back of the bench.

“If you wanted to, you probably would have done it already. Unless you like to play with your food." She said, looking at him with a frown.

He couldn't help but chuckle lowly at her words. He shook his head, looking out the window. The moon was shining down on them.

"Your candle is about to burn out. I don't envy your return in the dark." He said and saw that her gaze fell quickly to the candle beside her.

She opened her mouth, reaching for it, and that was it. Darkness surrounded them. Suddenly the only source of light was the white glow of the moon, falling through the window onto the floor.

She looked up at him, her eyes glistening with terror. He didn't move an inch, wondering what she would do. He felt her pulse quicken, her blood pumping faster through her body. He closed his eye at the feeling, enjoying her scent. He flinched when he heard her voice.

"Will you walk me away, sir?" She asked in a trembling voice, as if she was really afraid of going back in the dark. He wondered if she was in such a hurry to get to the grave. He opened his eye and looked at her.

"Yes."

He saw her slowly stand up, taking her prayer book in her hands. She started for the door pressing it against her chest, as if it was going to protect her from him in some way. He thought with amusement that it was for nothing.

No divine punishment could save her from him.

He left the chapel right behind her, the full moon shining high above, illuminating the park around them. Without the warm light of her candle, he thought, everything around her must have felt cold and menacing now.

She looked around, as if to make sure nothing was lurking in the shadows. He wondered how she could subconsciously not feel that the greatest danger was right in front of her.

She went ahead, and he followed her without a word. She led him along a narrow, well-worn path, through thickets of bushes and trees. This, he thought, was where she used to go to his friend's property every day.

Finally, they came out on land that no longer belonged to Criston, into a meadow, stretching far away. There couldn't be a better place to taste her, he thought. Here no one would hear her.

He pursed his lips, using what little free will he had to keep from just grabbing her by the shoulders and biting her beautiful, long neck.

They made their way to a road that led to a pretty, little country house. He heard her breathe a sigh of relief as she saw her home. She looked at him and was confused by the intense look in his eye. They stood in awkward silence for a moment.

"Thank you, sir, for you kindness." She whispered softly, her tone warm and full of, at least to him, undeserved gratitude.

He held out his hand to her, and even in the dim moonlight he could see that she blushed. He thought that he wanted this at least.

To feel the warmth and taste of her skin.

She offered him her trembling hand, and he squeezed it gently, respectfully, sensitively. It was warm and wonderfully soft.

He leaned in, his cold, wet lips pressed against her fragrant skin. He felt her shiver hard, her breath caught in her lungs. Just as he suspected, her body quivered wonderfully and throbbed with life, her scent filling his lungs, increasing his already unbearable thirst.

He felt that he wanted her in every possible way. He wanted to possess her and devour her. He flinched as her hand tightened around his.

"You're freezing. Forgive me for telling you to come with me when you were so cold, sir." She whispered embarrassed, looking at him as if she had hurt him.

The corner of his mouth twitched involuntarily at her words in amusement. He felt a mighty shudder as she took a step towards him, lifting their clasping hands and pressing her warm lips to his skin.

She held them like that for a moment, as if she wanted to warm his hand with the heat of her body and her breath. He watched this scene in amazement, his lips slightly parted, his manhood throbbing painfully in his pants. He thought there was no help for him. He won't be able to leave her alone.

He will hurt her just like other women before her.

She pulled away, releasing his hand, her cheeks flushed with emotion. He looked involuntarily at her neck, her throbbing artery, and swallowed hard. She was so close, all he had to do was reach out.

"Good night." She whispered and turned, wrapping her shawl tighter around her as she walked slowly towards her homestead. He stood and watched her, letting her go. He turned around after a while and headed back towards the moon, hanging above him in the sky.

______

Thank you for such a good reception of this series. I plan to make this story a slow burn fit for the Victorian era. I want to add some 19th century realism to this story. 🩸

Aemond Taglist:

(bold means I couldn't tag you)

@its-actually-minicika @notnormalthings-blog @avgdusterfan @nikstrange @zenka69 @bellaisasleep @k-y-r-a-1 @random-ocity @g-cf2020 @melsunshine @opheliaas-stuff @chainsawsangel @iiamthehybrid @tinykryptonitewerewolf @namoreno @snh96 @malfoytargaryen @qyburnsghost @aemondsdelight @persephonerinyes @fan-goddess @sweethoneyblossom1

Others: @talesofoldandnew @toodlesxcuddles @padfooteyes

If you want to be tagged, leave a comment below. ♥

216 notes · View notes

the-indie-owl · 1 month

Text

Finished Reading Felix Salten's "Bambi"

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK, IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ONLY SEEN DISNEY'S ADAPTATION AND NOT HAVE READ THE SOURCE MATERIAL, THIS POST MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS SO PLEASE BE WARNED.

So I have recently finished reading the Original Book of Bambi after being in such a Cervine mood when re-watching the Disney films for the Past Two Months.

I felt like that when reading a Non-Fairytale Book for the very first time felt like something that I wanted to try on something new to rely on reading some books. Even after taking a brief look at The Russian version of the Source Material, it seems like something from what I knew when watching the Two-Part Movie live action adaptations that Human Ballet Animal version felt a more accurate approach than Disney's version when visiting the book.

For starters, I am not really a big fan of the Upcoming Soulless Disney Remake nor the Upcoming Garbage Horror B Movie (nor would I even want to see it) as I have been in the Bambi Fandom Two Years ago as I've seen that "Half" of the Fandom cares more about Fetishization or Crossovers in General for that Matter (*cough*, *cough*, Stephen King's Carrie, *cough*) while the Side of the Fandom are the ones who have read the Source Material and even done their own interpretations of the Other Characters (most likely the Deer characters) that never been fully adapted and were left out in the Disney universe (with the exception of Geno, Gurri, Boso, and Lana in the Comic Adaptation of "Bambi's Children").

But I really wanna talk about the Original Book version since a lot of People don't really know much about it since whenever we tend to think about "Bambi", most people would only think of the Popular Disney Version (yes, there are others that have seen Other Adaptations as I am aware that there are possibly more Bambi movies out there than both the Soviet and Disney ones).

Without any further, here are some personal plot points in the OG Book that were completely left out or missing (again, major spoilers to anyone who has never read it before);

So the Book actually has a lot more Story Plots than the Movie itself to make it more easier, simpler, and even shorter than how the book handles the story (presumably I believe that's the reason as to why that the Midquel exists for a reason as a suggestion to a "Part 2" of the story). In the meantime, both the Book and the Movie take a huge approach through a Deer's POV of Wildlife (that being Bambi himself) since both versions do teach Kids the Lessons and the Values of Life (how it can be Beautiful in both of a Dark and in a Light way) since Life can take you through many strange places around the world as you go to blend within the feels of reality.

Aside from the fact that the Disney movies has its Supporting Animal Characters, the Book has a lot more Animal Characters that haven't been fully adapted or were just left out (in terms on how that some of them might've been replaced). There's a Hare called "Friend Hare", in the Movie, it's Thumper. There is an Owl in the Book but he's just known as "Screech Owl", yet, in the film, it's "Friend Owl".

The Other Characters from the Book that we've never seen are the Magpie, The Two Jays, The Pheasant Couple, A Squirrel, ect. Did I also mention for a fact that there are actual other Deer characters that were also completely left out with the exception of a few?

The Book however explains that the Stags that we see are actually known as "The Young Princes" with Bambi's Father (which we all know him as "The Great Prince of the Forest")'s actual title is "The Old Stag" (which is more different than what Disney changes his title in the adaptations). On the other hand of the differences of being Titular Ruler of your own Animal Kingdom, while the Movie explains that being a Prince means you'd have to watch over and protect your own People, the Book however does it quite differently that being a Prince of the Forest doesn't mean that you have to be a Watcher but rather, it's something more different as the book explains to gain more wisdom as you grow.

Also, I wanted to say on how funny it is when people tend to ship Bambi/Ronno as crack, when in the book, Ronno was actually a lot older than Bambi as he was actually a Good Guy and hold no hated guts nor was a bully like how you once thought he always was (Aka, in akin on how the film portrays). However, as Bambi and Faline grew, he did challenge Bambi to see on which Buck would be the perfect mate for Faline (similar in nature on how Deer mate in RL) (but I'll get to that point later on). Ronno also had a Partner named "Karus", in which that both Ronno & Karus were actually the Young Princes in the Stag group, being very respectful towards the Animals in the Forest (including Bambi) until when Bambi grew older (again, gonna get to that part very soon).

Aside from the fact that we all know who Bambi's BFFs are in what terms that Disney tries to suggest us of a Bunny and a Skunk, Thumper and Flower were sadly never a thing in the Book as Bambi's friends were mostly Fawns around his age. However, while Friend Hare was turn into Thumper for a reason with Flower being an Original Character for the Film, Faline and Another Deer (who was her Brother), "Gobo" were actually long childhood friends of Bambi as their own Mothers actually have known in each other for a very long time. That's right, you heard Me, in the Original story, Faline had a Brother and that Brother was indeed a Very Friendful Deer (much to his sister's dismay of being more "childlike"). Gobo was actually the only Deer who was captured by the Hunter as a Fawn, but was brought and carefully raised by the Hunter as he grew up living with the Human (believing in the fact that not all Humans are bad since Half of the World that we all live in is filled and invested by Half of the Good/Bad of Humanity as our Neutrality is still running even to this day).

Now, for the Part about their own Mothers, needless to say is that Faline and Gobo's Mother is called "Aunt Ena" (suggesting that somewhere down the line that perhaps Bambi's Mother and Ena are Sisters, making both Bambi, Faline, and Gobo equally as Cousins). Granted, I'm not too sure about the "cousin" part as I am deeply aware of the fact if Salten was trying to do the whole "Blood Relation in Nature of Animals is not Illegal because Animals have No Laws unlike How We Humans have" thing, but I am assuming that Bambi's Mother and Ena are perhaps long-time friends, therefore, it wouldn't specifically make Bambi and Faline cousins if you're one of the few that's gonna think it's too much of nature with incest, but I believe that the relation between the Two Mothers is left completely unexplained in the Book (so I don't think that Bambi and Faline are truly cousins are not as some would suggest that).

On the topic of Bambi and Faline's romance, I will say in the least that like Simba/Nala from "The Lion King", it's sad that we don't get to see enough of Bambi's romance with his love interest (Faline) in the Disney films when technically the book version expands more on their relationship.

They started off as childhood friends (like in the film) but only when do the Two Fawns are in a Trio with Gobo, playing with other Fawns and even having some playful time in the woods. There were also Other Deer such as Old Nettla and even Marena were also part in their lives as they did play an important role in the story (Old Nettla is an elderly figure who doesn't deserve to have fawns of her own while Marena ended up becoming Gobo's Mate until his Death by the Hunter).

Eventually (like in the film), Bambi and Faline do see each other again when they're both Adults when Bambi starts to recognize his childhood friend while instantly being in love with her but unlike in the film, Faline was unaware of Bambi's blossomed crush on her. If Disney wants you to believe that Ronno is the Secondary Antagonist, you might want to re-think again because during Mating Season, Ronno and Karus were also in love with Faline as well as they even challenged Bambi for a duel for Faline's love just in the movie until Bambi eventually wins. Aside from what I believe was cut down from the original story is that (if I do remember correctly) was that Bambi and Faline were on their Mating Night during their Honeymoon.

So to speak on their behalf of their Romance, it was actually a lot more generically more "Lovely" rather than "Cute". Considering that Faline has been described as Playful and Childlike, there always has been a potential for Bambi and Faline to become Lovers given on how that their Chemistry was really sweet and innocent when Faline was like the special one to be friends with a Prince like Bambi as when they met again as adults, Bambi did grew fond of her as the Book clearly states that He loves Her "with all of his Heart". So you can say that in the least that their Dynamic does heavenly work as the "Childhood Friends to Lovers" trope like Christine and Raoul from Gaston Leroux's "The Phantom of The Opera".

Anyways, back on Track; I think that we seriously need to take about the Most Important Character of what Most of the Animals fear and see him as "The Devil" would none other be "Man" himself.

Given through the concept of the idea based on what Nature tends to portray Humanity through an Animal's POV, An Animaltaker is a Caring Angel Guardian. A Hunter is a Huge Threat. But what is that Man has in common with both in the Book and in the Film?

While we never get to see on what Man is truly like as a Character, he is only referred by Two Options;

A Regular Hunter whose just doing his own Hunting Job.

The Audience, in which this is what we are aware if our own Kind is the Main Villain of the Story.

The reason as to why I'd bring Man up is because the same thing cannot be said towards this Hunter from the Book (or at least, what he was originally referred to similar in the film).

In the book, Man was actually only referred to as "He" is what most of the Many Animals referred to him in the book. Only then, do "Man" and "He" whom most of the Animals call to is quite similar in how Rudyard Kipling's "The Jungle Book" when the Animals simply refer to "Fire" as "The Red Flower".

While Man was probably one of the few Disney Villains that scared a lot of our childhoods, the He in the book was actually describe pretty neutral. Just a regular human hunter just doing his own hunting job.

What's interesting though is that while a Hunter is still the biggest threat to all of the Wildlife, he was actually the one who raised Gobo after when he found him straitened during the Winter time (yeah, compare to the One who burnt down all of the Forest by stupidity, this one on the other hand takes up a caring approach towards an Animal after he tried to shot it), as it turns out, Gobo was actually taken care of through his new life with Man. So there's like this "Conflict" between One whose raised by Humans and the Others who are shocked but are still feared/hated by Men. There's also a part where one of He's hunting Dogs is scolded by the Animals for being one of the domesticated ones to obey their own Human Master, while catching a Fox.

I think we can all agree that this would possibly be the most accurate depiction of Reality of what Half of Nature's Animals could see the Neutral Complex in Humanity whenever we Humans hunt or care for a creature. And how life is up to you to make your own decisions.

As for the plot of the Original Story itself, it's almost the same as the Disney movie, but the Source Material does take its own Nature story in an Individual way while still exploring the Harsh Reality of Nature within how an Animal's Life deals within the Animals themselves. With its many characters and more plot points, the Story is more of a re-telling of a Child's life from both Childhood and Adulthood as half of the Book tends to explore both Bambi's Childhood and Adulthood alike as well as his relationship with his own Parents (something that Disney gave his own Childhood more screen time as we only see Bambi's Adulthood half through the movie, which cuts down the Whole Last Part of his Adulthood). As both endings due have Bambi becoming a Father with the birth of his Children from Faline (Geno & Gurri).

However, the only man difference is how on what Disney is telling you what their own version of how a Great Prince of the Forest is vs. How Salten tells you truly on how being a Ruler of the Forest is like to gain Wisdom in order to gain Power while being Protector of the Forest.

In conclusion, while so far that the Many Changes within Disney's classical film compare to the Other Bunch of Disney Movies (that most of them are drawn from the Old Century Stories that Disney popularize to this day), I would say that Disney's take on Salten's Bambi is the largest of the pop culture today with Most People not knowing the Original Story (in fact, it's sad to say in the least on how that the Popular Adaptation overshadows the Source Material. With the Disney version still taking a Dark approach with a Cutsey Animal feel to it inside of a Mashup, the Book's approach on Nature is much more Accurate and More Realistic without any Adorable "Feel" behind to it.

However, aside from the fact that both Books are Good, does that mean I'll prefer the Book over the Famous Adaptation that is more familiar with? Well...Not really, tbh, in fact, while both can be flawed in their own way, they can actually be both unique in their own way.

So for the Book's Rating, I'd give it a 8/10, because it's still a Good Story compare to the Movie (which is still a Cinematic Masterpiece) IMO.

#indie text #felix salten #felix salten's bambi #bambi #disney #review #book #movie #anaylsis #book review

5 notes · View notes

vulpes-fennec · 4 months

Text

A Return to Autumn's Roots (2/3)

Summary: Eris Vanserra, the new High Lord of Autumn, has extended a Solstice ball invitation to Elain Archeron and Gwyn Berdara. Will a Court frozen in perpetual change break the stagnant mating bond between Elain and Lucien?

A lil @acotargiftexchange present for @sunbrightheart! I hope you enjoy this as much as I've enjoyed writing this for you! 🎄

Read on AO3 | Ch 1

Dinner was an intimate affair, with just eleven of them: Eris, Daphne, Helion, Lucien, Jurian, Vassa, Elain, Gwyn, and the remaining three Vanserra brothers. A log crackled merrily as dish after dish emerged on the resplendently set table. Roasted pheasant, creamy potatoes, spiced vegetables, and delicious ciders.

Lucien had changed into a dark gray shirt that accentuated his broad shoulders and brown skin. The candlelight cast shadows across the planes of his face, making him appear as a dashing, yet mysterious, lord’s son. Elain couldn’t help but sneak glances at him across the table every time she took a sip of her cider. She felt a bit bad for tuning out Jurian’s chatter about continental herbal medicines, but there was just something about Lucien that kept drawing her eyes in like a magnet.

“How was your day, Helion?” Gwyn asked. The priestess and the High Lord of Day had grown close over the last few days, with Helion even inviting Gwyn to visit the Day Court libraries come spring.

“Oh, fantastic.” Helion cleared his throat, and swiveled his amber gaze towards Elain pointedly. “Lucien took me to the forest and showed me how to catch fish with his bare hands.” Lucien coughed uncomfortably. “And then he made the most delicious roast fish using foraged herbs and his own fire.”

“Alright, we get it.” Lucien sliced the potato on his plate loudly with a cracking sound. Elain’s eyes widened at Helion’s revelation. She’d never heard of anybody catching fish with their bare hands.

“Yeah, Lucien was single-handedly responsible for all of our fish dinners back at the manor,” Jurian piped up.

“I was very impressed,” Helion continued, raising his eyebrows at Elain, which made his eyes go comically wide. “You know, he could have used a nifty little spell to catch them, but it was all pure, physical skill.” Physical skills, was all Elain really heard. Her blood was starting to run hot. Vassa let out a choking laugh, and nudged Elain under the seat.

“Dad!” Lucien protested. “Enough with the bragging.”

“Helion,” Elain interjected, trying to keep her voice even, “where in the Autumn forest were you today? I’ve been hoping to explore more of the surrounding areas.”

“Elain, no need to call me Helion when you can also call me Dad too,” Helion said jauntily. Lucien’s face turned red.

“Honey!” Daphne admonished him, which initiated a flurry of whispers and gestures too quiet for even the others’ Fae ears to hear.

“Anyways…” Vassa said loudly, striking up a ruler-to-ruler conversation with Eris.The table fell into its regular murmurings, but Elain found it difficult to keep up with the chatter. Instead, she was still mulling over Daphne’s words to her that afternoon.

Eventually, the Lady of Day and Elain had ended up on the topic about mates and mating bonds. Has Lucien said anything about me so far, Elain had asked.

He said the Kingslayer acted very much like a proper lady, Daphne had said with a smile. He’s always in a little awe about that. The fact that you killed the King of Hybern, you know. From what he could…ah, discern, you were always so thoughtful of other people and the little details. That you weren’t afraid to get your hands dirty, based on the amount of gardening and baking you did.

He also said you were the most beautiful female he had ever seen.

Most beautiful female, Elain thought. Was she really? How many females had Lucien called beautiful before, and if he did, why should she care? Nevermind the red flash of jealousy that ripped through her at the thought of her mate being with someone else. Did it hold more significance if he told his mother that? Was this the first time he ever told his mother about a beautiful female?

Elain glanced over at Lucien again. His sharp cheekbones, the slashing scar that ended just next to a full mouth, the smooth red hair tied back in a bun…without a doubt Lucien was also the most beautiful male she had ever seen. And as if he could sense her staring, Lucien’s gaze flicked towards Elain.

Though she could feel heat rising under the intensity of Lucien’s stare, Elain managed to maintain eye contact. She dipped her head subtly in acknowledgement, and to her surprise, the corners of Lucien’s mouth twitched with a slight smile before he looked away. Progress, Elain, progress, she thought to herself.

After dinner, Elain was just about to head down the hall to her quarters when she felt a light presence at her shoulder. It was Lucien, standing tall with impeccable posture. He looked strangely nervous, as if all her courtier manners had gone out the window.

“Would you be interested in an afternoon walk through the same woods I took Helion through? Tomorrow?”

***

You’re fine, you’re fine, Lucien told himself as he paced back and forth in the courtyard. We’re just going on a nice, long walk through the woods. Still, he felt like a gangly adolescent wholly unprepared for a first date.

It wasn’t really a first date. Lucien recalled being much more nervous while having tea with Elain at Rhys’s townhouse. But those nerves were clouded by the presence of others hanging around while he and Elain had tea. Today would just be the two of them, their interactions entirely their own.

“Good afternoon,” Elain chirped suddenly behind him. Her flower-patterned pink dress, cropped shawl, and dainty pink shoes were absolutely not suited for a stroll in the woods: Autumn’s forests were full of leaves, roots, squishy mud puddles, and small streams. However, the last thing he wanted to do was suggest that she change, especially when she looked so beautiful. She must’ve dolled up thinking it was a first date, Lucien realized, his anxiety deepening. Perhaps a walk was not the best activity…”I’m looking forward to our walk.”

Well, then. He couldn’t change the plans now.

They started off along a moderately easy path that wound through groves of dark orange and golden yellow trees. Lucien always liked it most when the sun was shining—not just because of his Day Court heritage—but because it turned the leaves into vibrant jewels. He hadn’t realized just how much he missed his home.

Home. Just yesterday he had agreed to finally move into the Day Court, which meant the Autumn Court would no longer be his only home. He’d given his parents—the word still felt strange to him for it implied a cohesive unit, a happy couple—several months of privacy. But now it was time to take up his true status as the Day Court heir.

“This is beautiful,” Elain murmured. Her chocolate brown eyes were drinking in their surroundings, rose petal pink lips parted in awe.

Lucien smiled in response. Seeing his mate happy, even if they were doing something as simple as walking…well, it made him utterly incandescent. As if the mating bond in his chest was glowing. “I’m glad you like it. How was afternoon tea with my mother yesterday?” he asked Elain.

“She was lovely,” Elain beamed, her smile more radiant than the leaves themselves. “I like her very much. She told me about a time when you suffered a traumatizing squirrel attack.”

“Not the squirrel attack. It was only a little nibble,” Lucien protested. Elain giggled.

“According to her, you were screaming and crying over the little nibble,” Elain teased, her doe eyes full of mirth. “And that you were deathly afraid of squirrels for several months following.” Lucien rolled his eyes.

“You would be too, if one of them bit you unprovoked,” Lucien grumbled.

“And how was it with your father? Aside from the fishing.” Elain smiled ruefully at the reference to Helion’s shenanigans during dinner.

“He asked me again to move to the Day Court. Permanently.” He could tell Elain was holding her breath. “I said yes.”

“Oh.” Elain sounded a little stunned. “What will you be doing at the Day Court?” She hopped over a small babbling brook, holding her skirts up delicately.

“Day Court heir things, most likely.” Lucien shrugged. “Honing my spellcleaving powers with Helion. Learning more about Day Court customs and the court itself.”

“Oh. Does that mean you’re not going to be Night Court’s emissary anymore?”

Lucien nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got to write to Rhysand and Feyre about that. Wouldn’t want a conflict of interest happening, right?”

“Oh.” Elain’s shoulders slumped. A permanent move to the Day Court meant Lucien wouldn’t be coming around to the River House anymore. And just when she was making progress by having actual conversations with her mate…

They came upon the crest of a craggy hill. “If the terrain is too much, we can always turn back,” Lucien offered.

Elain shook her head. “I can do this,” she said, determined. “But…maybe you should go first.” She already felt foolish coming to their walk in a dress better suited for afternoon tea. Lucien was dressed more appropriately, with his tan breeches and wool shirt. Turning back after just ten minutes would be mortifying.

Going first was easy for Lucien; he wore a pair of strong boots that allowed him to grip the boulders and dirt without slipping. He seemed to know all the right places to step like the back of his hand.

The hill was steepest at the bottom, so Lucien extended his hand. It was warm, calloused, and stable. The bond stirred upon her mate’s touch. The perfect fit, Elain thought, as Lucien provided just the right amount of support for her to get down the hill.

“You alright?” he asked.

“Yes, we can keep going,” Elain said, still holding his hand. It wasn’t entirely intentional: the ground was slippery with wet leaves and treacherous with hidden roots.

“Is this alright?” she asked shyly, not wanting to let go.

“Yes, let’s keep going,” Lucien grinned, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze in answer.

They continued walking amicably, with Elain asking questions about the Autumn woods (how to differentiate between the oak and the chestnut), the human lands (Graysen’s child was now able to walk but the man was still as insufferable as ever), Jurian and Vassa (oh, those two were always going at it thinking Lucien couldn’t hear). Lucien in turn wanted to know about Nyx (a well-mannered toddler but spoiled rotten by his many aunts and uncles), her Seer powers (her visions were less sporadic, but intense at times), and her gardening plans (this spring, she was aiming for a pink and yellow color palette).

Elain’s jaw dropped when they came into a delightful little clearing, with feather-soft grasses and large, mossy stones. The trickling of running water, the chirping birds…it was a tranquil place to stop and rest.

“I used to come here for peace,” Lucien said, hands on his hips as he surveyed the clearing. He swept his cloak off and set it on the ground. “Here, you should sit.”

Elain sat down delicately and patted the spot next to her. “There’s room for two, Lucien,” she added, surprised with her own boldness. He was still standing off to the side, as if the cloak was meant for her and her only. Lucien agreed with a smile, though he maintained a respectable amount of space from her. He leaned back, resting on his elbows, long legs splayed out in front carelessly. Elain had folded her arms over her knees, tilting her sun-warmed face up to the sky, eyes closed.

“Thinking about something?” Lucien asked after a few minutes of silence. Elain’s heart sped up, wondering if she should be truthful, or say something superficial instead.

“About how easy it has been to talk to you,” she said quietly. “Wondering if you’re always like this with others. Wondering why…why I waited so long to try.”

“I’m still a bit nervous around you, if that makes you feel any better,” Lucien admitted, sitting back up. He laughed and shook his head. “Gods, I can’t believe I just said that.”

Elain smiled. “That does make me feel better.”

Lucien’s expression turned serious. “Don’t feel bad about waiting so long, Elain. You needed the time…there was so much happening all at once.”

“For you, too,” Elain replied softly. “I wasn’t there for you while all of it was happening, and I-” her breath stopped, so overcome was she with emotion.

Lucien laid his hand gently over hers, the gesture a soothing balm for her turbulent feelings. “I never had that expectation for you, Elain.” He swallowed thickly. “It’s alright, truly.”

“Onto less somber topics…may I know what your first impression of me was?” she asked earnestly, after several more minutes of contented silence.

“I think you might be disappointed in my answer. You know it was total chaos in that room…seeing Feyre again after months, the Inner Circle, Jurian in the flesh, the queens…and then you. My original priority was to get Feyre home, but when I saw you.” He blinked, remembering how his gaze had focused on only Elain out of all the human women—the queens, and Nesta—when they’d appeared. “When I realized what they were going to do to you, everything changed. I wanted to protect you. To do everything I could to keep you from going into the Cauldron. But I was too late,” he finished with regret in his voice.

“Lucien.” Now it was Elain’s turn to touch his hand. “It’s not your fault. Imagine if Nesta and I weren’t turned into Fae. Everything would be completely different.”

“That’s true,” he conceded. “Why are you revisiting this moment, anyways? I thought we were supposed to talk about more cheerful things.”

“It’s because your mother told me that you said I was the most beautiful female you’d ever met,” she muttered, suddenly very interested in the clover patch beside her. “So…I was wondering if you thought that while at Hybern.” Oh gods, of course his mother would divulge such a thing to his mate. Lucien sighed.

“I thought that when I saw you at the House of Wind,” he clarified. “Hybern…was a mess. I don’t think it was the time to be checking each other out, you know? Unless…” Elain’s face had turned pink. Lucien couldn’t help but grin. “Do you have something to share about your first impression of me, Elain?”

“I had a fiance back then,” she shot back, but her blush was unmistakable.

“Tell me.” Lucien tilted his head, flashing his best smile. “Come on, Elain.”

“Fine! Fine, I did think you were a bit handsome,” she said begrudgingly. “I thought you were going to save me like a knight in shining armor.”

“You sure you aren’t holding it against me for not saving you first?” Lucien teased. Elain pouted slightly, the plush of her pink lip and raised brows irresistible. Gods, if their relationship ever deepened, that pout was going to be his weakness. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was just teasing.”

They fell silent and regarded each other, suspended in time just mere inches away. Elain’s eyes dropped down to Lucien’s lips, taking in the pointed contours and smooth curves of his mouth.

The shift in Elain’s gaze was not lost on Lucien. Slowly he leaned down, brushing his lips against hers as soft as a butterfly’s landing. Cauldron…the surge of energy that rushed through the bond was unlike anything he had ever experienced. Golden and bright. Powerful, yet sweet. Elain’s eyes were shining bright when he pulled away.

“Did you—” her breath hitched when Lucien pulled her closer by the waist, “did you feel that?”

“I felt a lot of things, my lady. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“I think you’re going to have to kiss me again so I can point it out,” she replied with a smile.

He kissed her again, cupping the back of her head and threading his fingers through her soft curls to bring her closer. Elain leaned into the kiss, tasting faintly of sugar and cider when she parted her mouth to let him in.

***

Everybody was holding their breath when it was Lucien’s turn to receive presents. Would the Day Court heir finally receive a Solstice gift from his mate? The regular dinner crowd had gathered in a sitting room, drinking mulled wine and snacking on hors d'oeuvres. Elain had only prepared gifts for the females and Eris: a pair of soft fleece socks made from the Night Court’s renowned mountain sheep for Lady of Day, sapphire blue earrings for Vassa, perfume for Gwyn, and hand-crafted golden compass for Eris.

Lucien’s demeanor had shifted to something more guarded, more stiff. Gone was the cavalier attitude from yesterday’s stroll. It was as if the minutes they’d spent kissing didn’t translate to the possibility of a Solstice gift from his mate. Indeed, he was trying not to look at Elain when he opened presents from his parents, then his brothers, then Jurian and Vassa.

“Wait!” Elain blurted out. She pulled an amber wrapped box from her bag. “This is for you,” she said shyly to Lucien, her voice a crackly whisper. Lucien’s brows raised as he took it, his fingers lightly brushing hers.

“Thank you, Elain.” She still remembered the residual ghost of his lips on hers, the way he smelled of sun-kissed skin and spices when he caressed her face.

“You haven’t even opened it yet.” Elain tried to joke, though her heart was beating nervously like a rabbit’s. Lucien undid the wrapping with more care than usual, as if he was still in disbelief that his mate had given him a gift. Though she did her best to keep her expression neutral, Elain still smiled slightly in anticipation when Lucien lifted a sun-shaped stained glass ornament from the box with awe.

“A suncatcher?” Helion spoke up, as everybody else ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the gift. Even in the soft faelight, the ornament was throwing dazzling spots of orange and golden light upon the walls. “How fitting for your new room.”

“It’s beautiful.” Lucien’s russet eye was shining when he regarded her.

Elain blushed. ”I’m glad you like it,” she replied.

Lucien’s gift for Elain was a suspiciously large box. Elain shook it, but it made no sound. Still, it felt rather heavy.

“It’s a blanket,” she gasped, when she opened it, taking in the impossibly soft fabric and the painstakingly detailed embroidery. Flowers, leaves, and fat bumblebees were delicately scattered across the creamy yellow blanket. “It’s perfect. I love it so much.”

“I heard Velaris can get cold,” Lucien supplied with a smile. “I hope it keeps you warm.” It was the most he could really say, with their family watching their interactions with exaggerated interest, but Elain seemed to get the message.

***

“There’s something in your room, by the way,” Elain said to Lucien as they rounded the corner. Now that the gift exchange was completed, everybody had parted ways to get ready for the Solstice ball. Lucien smiled, still feeling on the top of the world. His mate had given him a Solstice gift. His mate had kissed him the day prior. His mate was now walking with him, casually chatting, and looking as cute as a button with her arms full of presents.

“Should I be worried?” Lucien said, amused. “Miss Elain Archeron, poking around my childhood bedroom looking for my deepest, darkest secrets?”

“I promise I only went in to put it on your bed, nothing more,” Elain confessed as Lucien opened the door to his room.

“It’s…another gift?” Lucien was confused. There was a misshapen, crinkled up package on his bed. Elain peered over his shoulder, nodding. It was light, and felt squishy. Lucien unwrapped it carefully, eyes widening. “A plush fox. So you’re never truly alone,” he read aloud.

Elain was watching him nervously. “Do you like it?”

Lucien chuckled and walked over to the closet door, opening it to reveal several fox plushies of varying sizes stacked on the highest shelf. They were worn, practically threadbare, after centuries of disuse. “I haven’t had a fox plush since I was maybe…fifty years old or so. Somehow you knew I needed a new one.”

“I wanted to give it to you last year…but you never showed up.” Elain said, twisting her hands around anxiously. Lucien’s jaw tightened as he stepped closer to her. She’d wanted to give him this last year, signaling that she was open to strengthening the flimsy relationship they had. And he’d declined to show up for her because of the possibility of a bruised ego. To think of all the progress they could have made already…

“I’m sorry Elain,” he said. “I didn’t think…you would be expecting me.” Elain nodded, trying not to let the emotions spill out of her eyes. Lucien liked her gift, bringing a feeling of deep joy. Yet he also purposefully didn’t attend the Solstice celebration last year because of her, confirming her worst fears. “Hey.” Lucien tilted her chin up, gently wiping at her eyes. “I’m here now, aren’t I?”

He only meant to kiss her on the cheek, but Elain turned at the last minute, catching his lips with hers. There it was again, that happy purr of the bond and the settled contentment in his heart. The tenderness of Lucien’s gesture soothed her worries, and Elain smiled, rising on her toes to kiss him again.

Lucien wanted to sweep her up into a deeper kiss, but Elain pulled away. “I have to get ready for the Solstice Ball,” she said apologetically, her fingers still lingering on his lapel.

Lucien groaned. “Get ready in here with me,” he suggested, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I can’t…ladies take much longer, don’t you know?” Elain reluctantly let go of him.

“You’re sorely mistaken,” Lucien replied tartly. “I take the longest in my family to get ready.”

“As tempting as it is to stay, we’ll have to continue this later,” Elain giggled, blowing him a careless kiss as she walked out the door. “Otherwise we’d never make it to the ball.” Lucien groaned at the heated implication of her words, running his hands through his long red hair when the door clicked shut.

Read Ch 3

#elucien #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #acotar gift exchange #elucien fanfic #acotar

9 notes · View notes

creatures-of-joy · 15 days

Text

12th april 2024 !!

stuff seen today ! (biased list because i like to include stuff that i dont see all the time , sorry greylag geese and mallards,,,etc. i still love you though)

2x marsh harrier (male and female :D)

white stork (never seen before !! recently they were sighted near where i live and i was just like. no fucking way. BUT I SAW ONE !!)

sand martin (i saw soooooo many they're really awesome but i couldnt count because they were flying so fast hehe)

lapwing (only saw like 3 but they were really noisy hehe)

pochard (didnt expect to see any this time of year so that was pretty epic :3)

grey heron :] (this one was really active lol,, saw it roamin around and dive down 3 times but i didnt see it come up with anything :[ poor beastie )

lesser black-backed gull (big !! there were quite a few of these which is pretty cool) mallard duckling !!!(only saw one but thats the first ive seen this year so yayayayay :3)

huuuge swan nest with a few eggs (i could only see 2 eggs,, cute) great crested grebes (cute as usual :3)

red kite :D (itwas literally hovering in place without moving at all!! ive never seen that before with red kites it was pretty surreal hehe ,, also heard one calling in the distance ,, anyway :3 super awesome :3 )

buzzard!! (verrryyy high up , heard it calling with its adorable mewling noise)

deer!! (im not good at identifying deer but i overheard another guy saying he saw some water deer!! awesome. they were cuute and came reallyclose to the hide)

some robins chasing eachother because they're cool and awesome i loove robins (very cute)

stuff I Heard but i didn't seeee:

BITTERN!! (I've seen one before a few years ago but I never heard it boom ,, this was super awesome they're one of my favourite birds :3)

goldfinch (cute raindrop noise)

blackcap (tut tut tut tut)

chiffchaff (chiff chiff chiff chaff chiff chaff chaff etc . these are so so noisy and you can hear them everywhere i love them so much)

greenfinch (jubujubujubujubu dweeeeeez, I'm bad at spotting these but i hear them all the timeeee)

green woodpecker (always laughing at me hehehe)

cetti's warbler (they make such a cool noise)

pheasant (god this fucker is loud <3)

joy afterthoughts:

think i have some stuff i wanna talk about more in a follow up post hehe,, anyway today was very awesome,, the marsh harrier is my favourite bird of prey and I've only seen one before !! so getting to see two of them fly in and out of the reeds like that was awesome,, AND THEN A WHITE STORK SHOWED UP??? WHICH IS INSANE BECAUSE AUWHFJJ THEY'RE NOT NATIVE TO THIS COUNTRY and a bunch have been seen recently and their population is increasing and YEAH!! anyway it was like i imagined it.super cool. yeah. i hope i fill this blog up with more stuff over time . bye ! (also no egrets where i went today, which is suuuch a shame)

#sightings #joy mind blown #joy fav #stuff i heard

3 notes · View notes

tsvai · 4 months

Text

i was watching the Livecam Where the Rat Friends Are this morning before i went to bed and saw something interesting:

i've seen male and female ring-necked pheasants on the livecam before but never anything like this.

i did some googling and i think it's a melanistic ring-necked pheasant. female maybe (or a juvenile) because it doesn't have a wattle.

#personal #birds #animals

6 notes · View notes

bluebirdwordz · 1 year

Text

Tumblr: Taylor Swift's FOLKLORE (Fairytale+Dystopian Story)

youtube

I have used a line/phrase from every song of the Folklore album by Taylor Swift to create this story. Only the part in black fonts are added by me to set the flow of the story. I hope you like it!

You know the greatest films of all time were never made. They were passed down like folk songs. I knew everything when I was young. They called off the circus, burned the disco down when they sent home the horses and the rodeo clowns. They said, "You are not like the regulars. The masquerade revellers. Make sure nobody sees you leave. Hood over your head, keep your eyes down." Only twenty minutes to sleep. But you dream of some epiphany. Just one single glimpse of relief to make some sense of what you've seen. They said "Hush, when no one is around, my dear." "Hush, I know," they said, "the end is near." We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean. Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring.

Suddenly this summer, it's clear. My kingdom came undone. I'm taking my time, curious time, A marvellous time. But I can see us lost in the memory. Wanting was enough. For me, it was enough to live for the hope of it all. I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending. So when I can't sleep at night, I hear the stolen lullabies.

Lead me to the garden?

Dystopian Plot: Allison is a pheasant girl in a dystopian world ruled by a tyrannical female ruler— Taylor, who enjoys destruction. Everything changed when Allison saw the face of the ruler—who was always in a hood. The face was hers. She dreamt of the world before Taylor's reign. It was magical and ethereal. There was famine in Allison's village, but money, power, and energy showered in Taylor's world. Fortunately, dreamers are not always rolling in wealth. They are born in misery and grow hope in the barren lands. Allison, a dreamer, planned a revolution when she lost her people. This is not a tale of a heroine that you see in films. This is a fight for hope and dreams, a fantasy of dreams, and an ancient folklore.

#adventure #taylor stans #taylor swift #swifties #movie trailer #movie quotes #fairy tales #fairy tale inspired #fairycore #fairytale #fairytale aesthetic #dystopic #dystopia #entertainment #lyric aesthetics #aestheitcs #aesthetic #Youtube

0 notes

rpmemesbyarat · 3 years

Conversation

RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 10 "Thanksgiving"

Listen. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I don't think I can bone you right now.

My wanger is way stressed out.

I've killed for our love.

I just gave her a little push.

You and I can pick up right where we left off.

You can bring me home for Thanksgiving and introduce me to my future in-laws.

What did you do with the body?

I put it in the meat locker. It's where we've been putting all the dead bodies.

I need to see the body.

Look, we can have a three-way with the body.

I'll show you the body, but not so you can have sex with it.

I'll show it to you so that you and I will share a dangerous secret that will strengthen our relationship and bring us closer together.

I don't understand how this keeps happening!

Is this meat locker, like, a wormhole to an alternate universe or something?

She'll probably stop at nothing until she gets her revenge by murdering you.

No one wants to spend a room service Thanksgiving alone.

Are you going to talk at all?

You shouldn't be mad at me.

We're the sane ones.

Now, I know you've got other plans today, and for alibi's sake we need to protect your cover, but I am not letting you leave on an empty stomach.

Is that what quail is? I thought they were bigger.

You know what I was picturing? Pheasant.

Time to slice off those breasts.

I feel like this holiday is all about family, and, well, as you know, I gave up on my real family a long time ago.

I mean, at this point, the closest thing I have to family is. . . you.

I understand that Thanksgiving is supposed to be about family and being together and thanking God that we were born rich in America and not in Uganda or Venezuela or any of those other African countries.

You're late. The game's just about to start.

What do you think would happen if those instructions were incorrect?

This family's fortune is built on being right on time.

There's nothing better than sitting together as a family, watching the game. Laughing, smiling, just enjoying the warmth of each other's company. That's what it's all about today. Togetherness.

I hate defrosted food.

Why is it called Italian Style Chicken Cacciatore? All chicken cacciatore is Italian style.

This is not what Thanksgiving is supposed to be.

A bunch of my sort-of friends have been killed and no one has asked me about it.

Oh. And I'm starting a new family tradition. It involves me never coming to any family occasions ever again.

Would you stop with the screaming?

It's more like a stay of execution until no one is looking.

I've never cooked before, but that should be fine, since I usually just pretend to eat.

Well, I can cook and eat for the both of us.

So we've decided to have an orphans Thanksgiving all together.

I mean, I guess you could come over here if you wanted.

And this year I'm so thankful for the lax indecency laws in Eastern Europe that inundate our Internet with millions of hours of hard-core porn.

You know, ever since I was a little boy, I knew what God wanted me to do and that was make money off the backs of creative people.

I am so thankful that he, for whatever reason, has not murdered me yet.

You have such a vast future ahead of you.

You'll meet so many new and different women. So many wonderful women to go out with and break up with and move on from.

You should be thankful that this table is too long for me to reach across and strangle you, bitch!

What are you doing here? How are you alive?

When I woke up and regained consciousness, I felt better than ever.

The only thing you're carrying is water weight, you bloated little tramp.

I have a little game to play that's gonna make the time fly right by.

No, I've never killed anyone as far as I know.

Okay, there is no evidence at all that mass murder is genetic.

I would say that is more than a little suspicious.

I have bathroom shame issues. I always wait until everyone is asleep and then I sneak down to poop in the little powder room downstairs.

I mean, don't we all agree that those babies are the killers?

That seems like an unnecessarily complicated cover story.

I think we have plenty here to go to the police.

What, are you drunk?

You know, the one time I call you for a little advice, you're hammered.

I suppose we should discuss the matter of payment.

I'm asking you to name your price.

Are you propositioning me?

No, I'm asking how much money it'll take to make you go away.

My family is super-gross rich.

That outfit screams desperation.

I am, however, willing to write you a check for $50,000 if you will leave now and never come back.

It's a lot of money for a family like yours.

What is the best part about Thanksgiving?

Tastes like Henry VIII just barfed in my mouth.

Well, I don't want to sound like a dick here, but have you ever considered maybe you should leave?

I brought some of my famous eight-meat stuffing. It's beef, venison, alligator, buffalo, rabbit, goat, rattlesnake and Spam. I cut all of the meats super thin, so that you're guaranteed every meat in every bite.

I thought you said you were leaving forever or something like that?

Have you ever even cracked open a book?

You did say just the other day that the only way to live is to play the long game.

I really hope you can come up with something better than that.

I can prove that you're the only person in this room we know for a fact is a murderer.

I saw you in the coffee shop the other day, reading one of your old Playgirl magazines.

Okay, look, there's just some stuff that doesn't add up.

Look, I've gone through all the suspects in my mind, and I can explain away all my suspicions for everyone except you.

Can we just talk this out, so you can help me see that I'm wrong?

I mean, it would fit in with your whole hard worker, let's find out the truth, never take no for an answer, awful personality.

Anything to redeem your beloved dead mother.

I can't rest when the killer's still out there, so I stayed behind to do some more research.

You're skinny and pretty, so that's a plus, but it's highly competitive, so you'd better be rich, too.

You know how at the beginning of the year, I was always secretly following you so I could just keep an eye on you, make sure you were safe?

I heard you talking to someone, but I couldn't hear what it was about.

Thank you for letting me talk about this, talk this out, and hear your side of the story.

Um, homely, ugly.

Gold digger! Not welcome.

No, no, too chunky to wear that outfit.

I'm fairly certain this board game's been tampered with.

And while my motivations were airtight and my conscience clear, still, I'm sorry.

I mean, no one deserves to be spoken to like that, particularly not by what is, without a doubt, the most awful family in America.

I've honestly seen more tasteful decor at a Sizzler.

And you, sir, give the kind, hard-working, deeply moral people who work in such a wonderful industry as Hollywood a bad name.

I am walking out that door and never speaking to you again.

How could such a stud evolve from a boy who was so clearly a douche?

Oh, please, look, I-I was so bombed at that party. I mean, I remember I puked while I was making out with some girl, but there is no way that I could've found my way back down there 20 minutes later, let alone 20 years.

This is really embarrassing, um, but I started the paleo diet, because I'm back on the dating scene now, and I-I wanted to lose some weight.

I never saw a body down there.

I-I was a bit of a man slut back in the day, and it was the '90s, so nobody wore condoms.

I'm obligated to take it to the police.

What are you gonna do with the money?

didn't take the money, idiot.

Okay, first of all, I experienced extreme emotional trauma this evening, and second, I'm the one delegating tasks, thank you very much.

I couldn't find any matches.

I was sharpening this knife.

You haven't eaten yet, have you? I knew it!

You've come back. You've chosen me over your awful family.

First of all, my family is awesome. How dare you?