#I'm sick just thinking about them
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I read something about Suguru's power (attracting curses, ingesting and consuming them; literally making them a part of himself) being the opposite of Satoru's power (repelling things, never allowing anything to touch him) and I've felt sick ever since.
#i need to lie down#they're literally polar opposites#complimentary skills#the yin to the other's yang#the SatoSugu brain rot continues#I'm sick just thinking about them#gojo satoru#satoru gojo#geto suguru#suguru geto#satosugu#jjk#jujutsu kaisen
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there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)
i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.
i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.
and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.
HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.
now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.
my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.
i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.
by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!
keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"
similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."
the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"
if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.
the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.
godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.
the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.
#this is objectively bad advice#don't listen to it protect yourself and do real work on yourself find one of the good posts i've made about this#but also. u know. if u want to have fun while u do the work of setting boundaries#.... it IS fun#i will say that my fear of him went SO down after i just started. fucking with him.#bc i used to get SO fucking upset#i'd spend WEEKS arguing with him. tearing my hair out. sick with anxiety and dread and anger about all of it#and now i just LITERALLY do not engage#instead i'm like '' haha :) mole people" and get the HELL out of any tense conversation#i kind of think some of these people are literally addicted to drama as a form of connection#they like the rush they get from arguing#but those arguments are incredibly damaging for me#so like..... i am in the process of literally rehabilitating this person to figure out how to find connection thru#NORMAL CONVERSATION#he doesn't get it yet#i also do talk to them like they're preschool kids lmafo . ''are you using a safe and kind voice right now?''#'' do you need a snackie? you sound a little upset. let's have some hummus and come back to playtime when we feel ready''
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I cannot express enough that if your reaction, as a hobby artist, to not getting that many notes on your art is to say "maybe I should just stop doing art altogether" you need to stop posting art to tumblr
not necessarily forever, not even for long, but just stop putting your art on here and start doing it for you again, remember why you enjoyed doing art in the first place and stop relying on the attention of faceless people on the internet for your enjoyment of your hard work
believe me, I get it, nothing crushes the artistic soul quite like labouring for hours on a piece only for it to get like 10 notes, so you need to find your own source of joy in the act of creation and a lot of the time that means making art and not showing it to anybody
#not art#listen#for real#this is not about any one person because i've seen posts about it from a bunch of people#you think i post everything here? buddy i dont even post half my stuff here#every drawing you see is preceded by five more just like it#that never see my cursor close to the save button#i have a sketchbook i draw in regularly that i do'nt show to a single goddam person#i make cutout art from gels i steal from work and stick them to my windows and do paintings in my living room just for me#because that it the only way you are ever going to be able to retain your original love of art#is by doing it for the sake of doing it#not for the sake of seeing how many people stop and stare#anyways i'm sorry if this sounds terse#but i'm so sick of seeing artists put all their self-esteem and happiness in the hands of a blogging website#stop selling yourself short by measuring your self worth by how many reblogs you get and what people say in the tags#your artistry and your happiness are worth more than that#if you're an artist for a living that's another story#but even then#even then#anyways sorry i'm done ranting
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humor me. imagine if you will. dearest wilson, who is in his mid forties and drunk and having a little mope time because he may be a freak but he's a freak with depression. and he's bemoaning to house about his looks bc he saw an old picture of himself from med school or whatever, like fully being a little loser about it. "i used to be so cute. i had friends that would tease me for being a 'prettyboy'. (little sigh)"
and house is eating this UP because of course they're drinking together, he gets to see wilson be like..... an unserious amount of pathetic. literally not even paying attention to the tv anymore. "do i need to insult you more to fill your quota or something"
"no, no it's not that it's just," and wilson is still present enough to know he's gonna regret showing a weakness to house of all people but whatever. "miss being a pretty face i guess, i dunno"
house (who is NEVER going to let this moment be forgotten holy shit) has to like bite his tongue so he doesn't actually laugh in his face and get him to clam up. "aw, jimmy, (takes wilson's jaw and shakes him a bit like silly dudes do or like when you roughhouse with a dog) you're always a pretty face" and he's teasing of course but also. house is house, and house says some peculiar things regarding wilson so how fr he's being is an absolute mystery
cut to house actually looking at him and wilson is staring right back at him like 🥺 with big big beautiful brown cow eyes which are still kind of unfocused, cheeks a little smooshed where house is still holding his face, the weight of his head in his palm when wilson relaxes a little. "you think i'm pretty? 🥺"
and it's so much house has to avert his gaze. loosens his grip into something a little more soft. "yeah. sure"
#house md#hatecrimes md#hilson#imagery so clear in my head almost don't care if they wouldn't do this#whatever im having fun!! they're like barbies to me#i need more sleep if i type more about them rn i'm gonna be sick#woke up thinking about how rsl was such a little twink#which then went into how wilson has perfected the sad little puppet expression#he was bred for a different kind of pathetic charm than house was#and i think that's just beautiful
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Okay, my brain refuses to think about anything other than Murderbot, so I looked at every use of the word "friend[s]" in TMBD and... created some pie charts. Normal human activities.
Some Thoughts™ I had while putting this together (under the cut):
In All Systems Red, Murderbot notes that the PresAux crew are all close friends (twice! and goes on to explain their internal relationships which I think is very cute). This is pretty much the only use of 'friends' in ASR, except for when Murderbot says that SecUnits can't be friends with each other.
It seems that this may be one of the first times Murderbot has ever really been around a group of friends before? Murderbot notes that this is not the norm for its contracts and admits that the fact that they are all friends and the way they interact with each other make it actually enjoy that contract (before!!!! the hostile attack, so it already enjoys this contract before they start seeing it as a person etc ghghhhh). [Inference: Friendship seems enjoyable.]
The first character that calls Murderbot its friend is ART in Artificial Condition. Murderbot immediately refutes this (and then goes on to call ART its friend to its clients for the rest of the book). [Inference: Maybe ART is Murderbot's friend. And maybe that is... agreeable]
Rogue Protocol has more than twice as many instances of the word 'friend' as any of the other novellas. Why? Miki. Friendship and its implications for non-humans are a central theme because Miki is friends with everyone. Murderbot initially scoffs at the notion that Miki and Miki's humans are friends. At the end of the book, after witnessing how desperately Don Abene tried to stop Miki from trying to save them, and her grief after its death, Murderbot has to admit that she had in fact been Miki's friend. [Inference: Humans can be friends with bots and can sincerely care about them]
In Exit Strategy, Murderbot tentatively uses the word "friends" for its humans for the first time (several times actually). It questions whether it can actually call them its friends or not and later realizes that it had been afraid what admitting that the humans are its friends would do to it. At the end of the book, Mensah tells Murderbot the PresAux crew are its friends, which is the first time a human has directly said that to it (at least on-page). [Inference: Humans can and want to be Murderbot's friends]
In Network Effect, Murderbot seems to be more habituated to the word 'friend', confidently calling ART and Ratthi its friends, like it is no longer just trying the concept on unsure if it fits. There are many instances in which other characters refer to MB as ART's friend or the other way around and Murderbot's humans refer to Murderbot as their friend several times. Generally, there seems to be less hesitancy, because yes, all of them are Murderbot's friends, why wouldn't they be. [Inference: SecUnits can have friends. This SecUnit has friends. They care about it a lot.]
Conclusion: The Murderbot Diaries tell the story of a construct that does not seem to consider the possibility of friendship for itself and is fine with that - until it accidentally starts caring a little too much and suddenly more and more people annex it as a friend (ew) to the point where it can no longer deny that this is happening and has to begrudgingly admit that yes, it has friends now and maybe that is actually not a bad thing.
#the murderbot diaries#murderbot#𓄿#hi i'm READY to write a thesis about murderbot i am having way too much fun with this#i created a pretty excel spreadsheet and everything#i don't know why i did this but now i can look at them while i think about this more! so i figured i'd share them haha#i didn't count uses of 'friendly' but special shoutout to when MB is all alone in its cold cubicle missing 20% of its body mass#and starts putting on a show because 'the friendly noise would keep it company' 😭😭#i feel sick thinking about murderbot all alone on its own not knowing what its like to have friends watching media for 'the friendly noise'#also YES okay i wanted to make a point about miki there but i just#couldn't bring myself to talk about that more so... yeah#also uhhh this data is very subjective#i didn't count particularly ironic uses of 'friend' and generally did not count every instance of friend and sometimes it was a hard call#also i probably shouldn't have counted the times murderbot refered to drones or secsystems as its friends (often after hacking them)#but murderbot does seem to care about them and shows kindness and respect and sometimes points out that a system is friendly#so while i don't think MB means “friend” in the same way referring to them as when it refers to ART for instance#i still think its CUTE and also kinda funny how many times that happened so i decided to keep those!!!#but yeah take my data with a grain of salt lol
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#AUUUGH WAILING SCREAMING CRYING SLIDING DOWN THE WALL SOBBING#BROCEDES PLEASE WHY COULDN'T YOU TWO HAVE BEEN NON-FAMOUS#WHY DID YOU DRAG ALL OF US INTO YOUR SITUATIONSHIP#my mom is sick of me wailing about them. nearly collapsed at work when i remembered 'yes... and team-mate'#sliver springs is going platinum in my house rn#how can you be childhood friends and just fall apart like that? i think about falling out with tas like that and i go nearly catatonic#yeah you're a 7x wdc winner and you got the one wdc that you wanted but was it worth it? was this loss worth it? would you do it again?#going by the interviews they probably would and that's why they fell out in the first place. i literally cannot imagine caring about some#trophy over my childhood best friend but like i guess that's why they're pro level athletes and i'm in my room posting about them#anyway what the fuck was up during f1 photographers during their fallout? why is every photo of them cinematic? did you know we'd be using#them? did you know we'd go crazy? or were you also like 'oh this is cinema in the making. i gotta capture this.'?#anyway for all of that want to know where the quote is from‚ it's jacob black from twilight when bella is getting turned into a vamp#stephanie meyer had one (1) banger line and it was this#brocedes#brocedes edit#f1 edit#f1 web weaving#nico rosberg#lewis hamilton#nr6#lh44#formula 1#web weaving#please ignore my absolutely atrocious photo editing skills. thank you imgflip!!
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thinking thoughts about the core four cooking together after a rough mission
kon is doing most of it because the others are disasters and he's the best cook, he was taught by Ma who is arguably the best cook any of them know, he also enjoys it more than the rest of them do
Tim is in charge of chopping things and absolutely not aloud to touch the seasonings or anything flavored wise, he will add the weirdest things claiming they make it 'better'
Cassie is in charge of dessert so she's in her little corner making cookies. she's also got the playlist going and is in a passionate debate with all of them about the correct things to put in cookie batter
Bart's, who can very much cook but hates it, is coming and going, stealing food and handing people things, he's egging on tim's arguments to add increasingly strange things to the meal
by the end they have a tasty meal that is edible to most of humanity, despite tim's best efforts. Cassie's chocolate chip cookies turn out lovely, but somehow sprinkles ended up in them and none of them are quite sure how. they continue to rebinge all of their favourite comfort shows
#i'm coming back from the dead because im sick and have been thinking about them#tim drake#young justice 1998#cassie sandsmark#yj98#young just us#bart allen#kon el#cassandra sandsmark
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BEE KISS TOMORR- *dead* /j
If anyone wants to watch me drawing this like a little victorian child then the timelapse is below the cut 🤣
(FLICKER WARNING. It's all through out so be careful!👍 )
#RWBY#Bumbleby#Blake Belladonna#Yang Xiao Long#Foxarts#YOUR HONOR I HATE THEM (that's a lie actually)#I'VE BEEN STARING AT THIS FOR 3(?) DAYS NOW AND I'M SICK#Technically this doesn't contain spoilers but let me know if I should add the tag!#In reality I think cloud scene will happen episode 7-ish BUT being delusional is what being a bee fan is all about-#This is the first time I've actually tried drawing a kiss sooooo hope it turned out ok xDD#I am the one who looks away when anyone kisses for more than 2 seconds so.#Kisses aren't very photogenic that's all I'll say (I had 3 tutorials open and 5 references pulled up)#This was so messy- I forewent line art because I hate it and I thought it wouldn't be bad to just clean up the sketch. I was kind of right.#Watching back the recording is funny because I've always known I'm disorganized but just watching it play out is hilarious.#Enjoy my little notes and doodles 😌😌#They're so soft I want to scream.#I SURE HOPE I DIDN'T FORGET ANYTHING 😭#Risking my livelihood for these stupids since 2020 *strikes pose*#Anyways that's enough of my rambling.#HAVE A NICE DAY Y'ALL!!
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Sami seemed to strike a big nerve with Jey last night
#jey uso#sami zayn#wwe#the usos#roman reigns#smackdown#this segment was SO IMPORTANT lemme tell you#YES SAMI REMIND EVERYONE WHO THE REAL ENEMY IS#jail for roman#jail for roman for a thousands years#the way jey's frown softens when sami says he loved him URGH I'M SICK#my toxic trait is that i will tear up randomly at work bc i'm thinking about these two and make my coworkers worry about me#yes hello no everything is fine haha just angsting over wet pathetic men and their dramatic 100k enemies to lovers to enemies to lovers fic#jey's character has remained so fucking consistent everything he does makes sense#wwe having years long character development that makes sense??? unfathomable#anyways vince mcmahon die challenge#what is up with this pink ass coloring you might ask#and ill tell you pink is the color of love :)))))#lies i just hate coloring gifs with real people in them oof#stuff i made
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y'all have gotta learn to act normal about other people's characters
just bc you think they're hot doesn't mean the person who made them wants to know if, or how, you'd fuck them. i feel like that's common sense. it doesn't make it OK now just because it's not a real person you're sexualizing. you don't know what they mean to the person who made them, and if you do, well what the fuck, then.
#please excuse me i've just noticed really often lately#the way people will comment nasty nasty stuff on art and i have to wonder like#are you sure that the artist is cool w/ that? are you sure already that the person who owns or made that character is cool with that?#idk i had to watch a couple people oversexualize the characters from a friend's very personal & emotional game they made about trauma#i posted a turnaround of a model i did for a friend in a discord server and someone called it “the boykisser” just bc it was a cat?#like. do you know who the character is? do you know who owns the character? do you understand the context they're from?#if not. why would you say that to/about them.#ik those instances occured on their own and don't really warrant a whole post#but I've been seeing some REALLY uncomfy comments thrown at people's art every here and there#and i think some of y'all are forgetting how to behave for real.#this post & tags are a little half-baked i'm just kinda sick of seeing it. be normal. leave a nice comment or something
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I know I’m a bit late to the party, and this topic has already been discussed by others… but I wanted to add my own thoughts/opinions regarding Lesson 35.
Personally… I think Mammon is absolutely correct :
Oh, I beg to differ, Satan.
Maybe Lucifer won't be fully controlled by his own powers, but it's extremely possible that he's being heavily influenced by them.
I'll go a step further and say I firmly believe that, although Lucifer may be better equipped at controlling himself/hiding the fact that his sin is starting to take over compared to his brothers, he IS still being greatly affected by his pride.
I previously said that Lucifer genuinely seems so manipulative and borderline controlling now (moreso than ever).
I also said that I strangely like that side of him not just in a kinky way either lol. I just truly mean that, generally speaking.
Why?
Because doesn’t it fit Lucifer perfectly?
I mean, think about it :
A prideful demon such as Lucifer couldn’t possibly be wrong. His viewpoint is the only thing that should make sense. His opinions matter, his advice and decisions should be accepted with the utmost gratitude. Because Lucifer knows best.
He’s right.
Call me crazy, but I feel like all of that plays in so well with the power struggle going on between Lucifer and MC right now.
(In reality, I would be butting heads way more with Lucifer. Simply because I am a pretty stubborn person, and I would challenge his idea that he knows me better than I know myself..... Yes, I still haven't let that go lol)
But I’m most excited for what may happen next…. because I wonder if Mephisto’s arrival will end up fueling Lucifer’s sin.
We all know how much Mephisto dislikes Lucifer.
And it’s bad enough that Mephisto is going to successfully interrupt a private trip between Lucifer and MC… but if Mephisto starts questioning and/or contradicting Lucifer, inserting himself in their conversations, acting like he knows more than Lucifer… perhaps it will lead to Lucifer’s pride consuming him.
After all, who is Mephisto or anything else to question or challenge the Avatar of Pride?~
Plus if MC is directly involved, I’m positive that will only exacerbate matters.
Well… either way, MC will be involved because we have to save our favorite sadistic old man haha xD
Anyway!
I am seriously looking forward to the next Lesson.
Maybe I’m a bit of a sadist myself for saying this, but I kinda really want to see Lucifer struggle to control his sin to the point where he absolutely needs MC’s help.
At the very least, it would be a good reason for Lucifer to potentially give in/change his mind and finally make a pact with us.
Either way, I’m excited for what will come next (:
#I meant to post this sooner#but I literally slept an entire day#I will NEVER take Benadryl ever again#even though my allergies are still killing me#I think it's because the weather has been unusually mild/warm here#which I'm not complaining about#I'm just sick of my eyes being all watery#it looks like I'm constantly crying lol#obey me#obey me shall we date#obey me one master to rule them all#obey me nightbringer#obey me lucifer#obey me lucifer avatar of pride#lucifer avatar of pride#obey me nightbringer lucifer#obey me nightbringer lucifer avatar of pride#obey me nightbringer lesson 35#obey me thoughts
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Really fucked up that two ppl can care about each other and make their best efforts to communicate and still end up hurting each other so badly they cannot stand to be in the same room.
#my stuff#i feel soooo bad talking to my therapist about the same topics over multiple weeks#like i feel like they're sooo sick of it like damn can this bitch get Over It alreadyyyy#hi yes actually can we talk about the near catastrophic sense of betrayal and loss that has haunted my soul for over a month?#can we talk about how I overcompensate for other's possible feelings and emotions to desperately mask my terror at feeling out of control#can we talk about how even when I know ppl acted with logical reasons necessary for their situation it still hurt me?#and that this pain fills me up with so much anger and frustration that I'm powerless to put anywhere that won't hurt someone#so it just cooks me inside and makes me grind my teeth constantly for weeks#im so angry i did not deserve to be treated like this it's not fair and I have no capacity to fix it or control when it feels better#i just have to survive and wait until i forget about it and hope they don't decide to reach out and fuck it all up#cause i can see that happening#i'll finally be free of thinking about them and generally going about my day unbothered and they'll ask to get coffee or something#and I have no idea what I should do in that scenario. because I don't think we can be friends.#and you have not treated me with the compassion and warmth I treated you#i would want to say mean things. hurtful things. I would want to bite back for once.#and that's not me. that's not who I want to be.#i don't wanna see you. go away. don't talk to me if you're not going to make the pain go away.
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i love you people who draw scars around the cast necks. Love you people who draw the cast with the hair messy. Love you people who draw the cast with visible eye bags and tired sore eyes. Love you people who draw the cast exhausted sick and not fit for this. Love you people who draws the cast never forgetting the absolute horror that they had to live trough
#yttd#your turn to die#kimi ga shine#They aren't supermodels#The cast is tired and sick#Just think about it much of them must smell a lot#They washed once ONCE in five days#The cast is in no way capable of looking good right now#And they will always bear scars of what happened here in the future#While I would love the perfect ending for all of them the cast will never get a perfect picture ending#After this and the thousand layers of trauma lived here nobody will get out of here they same they went in#Especially scared for kanna and gin actually#I'm gonna explore that in a next post but kanna won't turn that good I'm sure of it#Shin scarf must smell like sweat and tears
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so much for (tour) dust, the healing tour of all time
#it’s fine like whatever#it doesn’t even affect me#im totally absolutely completely chill about it!!#and i had to cut it out but after they played cfc pete made a point of saying “andy hurley's been dying to play that one”#and he seemed so happy after they played 27 the first time and pavlove the other night#just like....the fact that patrick seemingly had himself thoroughly convinced that the rest of the band hated the record#or they weren't proud of it or didn't really like how it came out#or that he “pushed them too far in a direction they didn't want to go”#but they clearly love the album and wanted to play it and have it be appreciated by the audience just like he did#whatever!!#it's fine!! i'm FINE!!!!!#and thinking about the fact that there was a chorus of people yelling for pavlove when pete said they were gonna play the Holy Grail#im gonna be SICK#also there’s one clip that’s not tourdust …. it’s from when they played headfirst slide the first time in the uk this year#but idc same energy same vibes same ✨healing✨#fall out boy#fob#patrick stump#pete wentz#joe trohman#andy hurley#so much for (tour) dust#tourdust
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In my feels about how Gortash abso-fucking-lutely ruined Durge's life. Just fucking destroyed it. But that's also the only reason they have any sort of chance to make something different for themself. He's the only reason they even have a chance at a happy ending (even though it's a happy ending that he can't be in)
#enver gortash#dark urge#dark urge x gortash#durgetash#bg3#Thinking about how my durge had just resigned themself to being miserable and alone and hating the world for everything it#Couldn't or wouldn't give them. For being so fucking boring. They had their magic and that was everything they needed. But then#In sweeps this motherfucker who talks to them and understands them and is just as smart as they are and then suddenly#They have dreams again. All the wants they thought they'd ground into dust years ago come back with a vengeance#It ruined them! If they'd just been able to live in the same furious and miserable detachment as before Orin never would've gotten to them#If they had never started feeling alive again then they never would have begun to balk at the idea of dying on their father's altar#Because who cares about dying when you're already buried six feet under? But when you're alive? Maybe you don't want to die#Maybe you want to live. Maybe you have other things to think about besides Bhaal's bloody love and your siblings' resentments#And that's when they get you#Ughhhh I'm going to be fucking sick#Vesper
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it's meaningful to me how much of eiffel and hera's relationship exists on the show's periphery. we see significant moments, and enough to know how much time they spend together, how much they care for each other and serve as each other's safest place in a deeply unstable environment, but i think there's also something in the privacy of what we don't see. knowing how much time they spend together, how many conversations they've had about... nothing, really.
which is also to say, it's meaningful to me what scenes don't exist simply because they have no reason to. hera would've seen eiffel place that picture of his daughter under the console, but she doesn't say anything when minkowski & lovelace inquire about it. she never brings up his past. if they ever spoke about it at all, it wasn't a point of conflict. who eiffel has been doesn't matter to hera; it doesn't factor into how she feels about him at all. all that matters is who he is to her.
... and there's the line near the end of ep 16, where hera tells minkowski, "i've been able to direct eiffel to the directories containing emergency code alpha victor and he's deleted it." that she feels safe in his hands, with these vulnerable parts of her, that he does not have the knowledge to use it against her even if he wanted to (and that he never would), and that - even after three days without sleep - he put enough attention and care into doing this for her right away that it happened without incident, and can be contained in a single line.
#wolf 359#w359#doug eiffel#hera wolf 359#eiffera#still sick. i'm just thinking about them#do you know what i mean like. obviously this is true to an extent of all things in a story. that we only see the relevant parts#and the characters' lives outside of that we can only infer. but it's about what exactly we can infer. to me.
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