You know. I think I might just go home and watch some ants until the job stuff no longer bothers me

I’m sorry to add to the pile of boob related asks but: where would you say most of the back-pain related to your breasts appears and what does it feel like specifically? I’m starting to wonder if some of my own back problems might potentially be alleviated by a reduction also. I know the bio-mechanics of the issue aren’t going to be exactly the same for both of us but I figured it would be a good starting point for reference. I’m wishing you the best of luck with all of this!

WELL I'm not a chiro or a physical therapist, but my layman's understanding of titty-specific pain is that it's usually ascribed to UPPER back pain. I can attest that my upper back / shoulderblades are a bloodbath. It's hard to describe pain to another person? bc pain changes? from moment to moment? But I'll try. It's like, tired muscles, stiffness, there's sharp pains too, and compression pain. It's also hot- it feels a lot like burning. That's just from the weight of the tits Existing. There's also breast related pain that's from the *bra*, because of the straps being load-bearing, pressure pointing themselves on the shoulders all the damn time. The pressure on the ligaments on your shoulders usually fucks your neck to death. I've had plenty of times where my bra did me in, and I had shoulder/neck pain that kept me from turning my head at all. It can also travel up the back of the neck, to the base of the skull, and makes for some really impressive tension headaches. The neck pain is sharp, pulling, and aggressive. There do be spasms. The upper back pain is ever-present, often dull, and often exacerbated by activity. (folding laundry, doing dishes, leaning over in any way shape or form, what the fuck Ever) The weight from the tits also tends to drag the shoulders forward, and where the shoulders move forward, the rest of the body follows. So we're just talking about The Hunch. So, any pain that can be caused by this type of bad posture that your tits pull you into, while not technically being pain caused by tits- is caused by hunching- which is caused by tits. You feel? Those are the titty specifics. I also *feel* like it takes a toll on my lower back. It's hard to tell exactly, because I have some other issues that have caused really bad lower back pain for me in the past, so pain there could be caused by multiple factors (for me). I think it depends on bra on or bra off, and how you're holding your body's posture, where the tension of the weight gets to you. Also worth mentioning that the body is, obviously, one inter-connected system- and issues in one spot of your spine tend to spread the pain around.

x

I feel pretty close to doing it ngl. Today was... horrible. Is. It's only 2pm now. Who knows what else could happen between now and tomorrow.

I've been so on edge, unable to calm myself down. On the verge of a panic attack constantly, then having a small one for like 30+ mins... I got my mom to come up here and spend some time w/ me but she was obviously distracted. We ended up talking while I drew, weighing options.

I need the fluid from my ears gone so my anxiety can finally begin to calm down. I can't go anywhere in the car though without having horrifically bad panic attacks, so I'm terrified of driving anywhere, and seeing how the nearest clinic is 30 mins?? Fuck that.

Wondering where I'm going to spend the winter... or even the next month. I should probably be in a mental institution till they can figure out what tf is wrong with me and get me on the appropriate meds. The therapist yesterday said there's a possibility I have bipolar disorder, and that would explain why I feel so unbearably unstable if so. Again, though, the nearest would be at least a 40+ min drive. Wouldn't fix the ear issue.

I can't stay here in this camper bc it's not an all-season one. It's getting cold out, nearing October and I've barely able to comprehend it.

I can't stay in Virginia cause if I stayed with my sib again, well, they're planning to move to New York soon and they're taking the kittens with them ofc. And they seem much happier without me there. If I stay with my sister, she's busy with a job and 2 kids. I can't have one of my screaming panic attacks in front of them.

So yeah. I feel trapped. In my own head from the muffled hearing, in life since idk where I'm going to be in the next month or two, also just knowing nobody wants me around. I know my mom would be so much happier if I wasn't there, free to be with her husband and go about their daily lives without dealing with a load of baggage like me.

She snapped at me when I mentioned suicide and while I can understand why, it still hurt. She said she had a migraine and needed to leave so I'm alone again. Alone with crippling anxiety and racing thoughts. Alone without a solid ground to stand on. Alone without knowing where I'll end up in a month, knowing I'm unwanted to my whole family even if they reassure me, alone in knowing that if I do end up staying in an institution I'll have basically nothing to do but be completely alone with my thoughts around strangers who are possibly loud and/or aggressive. Alone. Just alone.

And yea, suicide is looking like more and more of a good plan. If I go through with it, I should do it here while I'm surrounded by all these guns. On the other hand, I'd have to go out in the woods where my mom wouldn't find me, at least not till I'm unrecognizable. On the other hand I keep telling myself this is temporary and eventually my hearing will come back, eventually I'll live somewhere where I'm wanted and don't have to worry about suddenly having the rug pulled from under my feet, but come on. I've been telling myself that since my friend left. It's been 3 months and it's only gotten worse. I'm worse off than ever. I need help and idk how to get it here. I'm in counselling, I have a doctor who can give me meds, but it's still somehow not enough. My mind keeps screaming out, demanding my attention, trying to protect me from what, suffocation? I know it's irrational but it's been plaguing my thoughts. And idk if therapy can help. Not in time, at least.

So yeah, I just keep telling myself things will get better, but I'm beginning to think that I'm just a horrible liar.

On something more positive I guess, I called the crisis line my therapist recommended and for once someone was there to talk me through a panic attack. The last time I called while I was in VA, they basically just said idk go to ER I guess?? But no the lady sat with me for like 20+ mins. I was still on the verge of a panic attack (and tbh still am) but idk it was nice. I've always heard panic attacks aren't "serious enough" for crisis lines but she said I could call anytime.

Cause like... the panic attacks I've been having aren't normal. They aren't the kind I'd be able to manage back in the day. They're all-consuming, they make me feel like I'm choking/going insane/passing out all at once, they make me scratch myself till I bleed, they make me scream. Maybe that is just bc my hearing is still muffled (and again idk how tf to deal with that) but yeah....

Having the weight of that looming over me with no end in sight also makes the idea of suicide look very pretty and convenient. It'd hurt, but just for a moment, not like these horrible long nights with racing thoughts, broken sleep full of nightmares, the choking feeling in my throat constant and unforgiving.

What do I still have to live for? Like 5 things idk. 1. guilt bc I'd feel bad about mom finding me since she's so sensitive. 2. OFMD s2, 3. Drawing??, 4. Finishing fics??? Idk., 5. I genuinely cannot find a 5th one and that scares me.

Zen, if you're still alive, congrats. You've done it. Your absence completely and utterly ruined my life. I will never be the same again.

My body is actively trying to kill me. I just wish it'd do it sooner, in one fell swoop, fucking give me a heart attack or something. I'm tired of the constant anxiety, the creeping depression, losing all interest and passion and the little things that make me...

yeah. I think I will. I just don't know what way I will. Or when. If life is worth living, then it better give me a fucking miracle real fucking soon. I can't take this anymore. I really can't. I want to get out, I want to get out, I want to get out. I'm tired, I'm aching, I'm scared, I'm guilty, I'm useless. I need help but there's none. Next therapy appointment isn't till monday and wtf are they going to do?? I need to be in an institution and the nearest one is so far away. I'm trapped. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help.

But at the same time I don't want help. I've been asking for it so much, using people, and for what? I'm still going to go through with it. What's it matter?

Why help someone who's more or less already sealed their fate? Besides, it's not like I'll miss much. The world is getting worse and worse. Rights being taken away left and right. Why bother living?

I'm sorry. I had a bad day and took offense to something you said. I didn't mean to actually hurt you, I just wanted to take out my anger on you and I guess make you feel angry too? That's why i sent that ask.

I'm 16 and I'm just having a really hard time in school and I'm scared of senior year and I was hurt really bad recently. I hope you can forgive me and forget about what I said. I'm just some dumb teenager who forgets how powerful words are I guess. I'm so sorry girl or nb or w/e you prefer. I hope you feel better by now, life is amazing and I hope you surround yourself with people who make you happy. Please go over this with your therapist.

I'm really sorry. I'll be more thoughtful next time i send people ask. I'll try and be a better person

Understandable, everyone has bad days, but maybe a better way to let out that anger would be to write it down and then rip it up or destroy it? Idk, I just isolate myself and hug my stuffed animals until I feel better tbh.

And yeah, I did get upset, but I wasn’t mad, I was just a little taken aback, maybe hurt? I get that school is hard, I’m still in high school too (it fucking sucks ass, I feel you there) and I’m terrified about the future. But I’ve got my friends and family and an awesome support system, in person and online, maybe find people that can be that for you, and vise versa?

Don’t call yourself dumb, that leads down a very dark hole that’s hard to climb out of and it forms into a very very bad habit, trust me. I’m working on that myself, but like everything, esp bad habits, it takes time and effort to fix. I still say stuff like “I’m so dumb” a bit too often, but I’m working on saying “no I’m not, I’m smart, I’m just having trouble” afterwards.

And yeah, words hurt. I’ve learned that the hard way, driving away people that I didn’t learn to appreciate until later, but I can’t apologize bc I have no idea where or even who they are now. Friends, strangers, even my niece (I’m working on not doing that with her tho, I love the little kid, she’s so awesome and smart and kind, at least when she doesn’t have her moms shitty attitude).

And I can forgive, but I will not forget. Kinda like the quote “The lumberjack forgets the pain he causes, but the tree always remembers.” I’m working on that too, trying to forgive others. I’m working on a lot about myself lately, I’m just realizing. I still hold grudges, esp against the person who sent the ask last year telling me to kill myself, but I don’t know if I have or haven’t forgiven them. I don’t know if I have or haven’t forgiven an old friend after what she pulled at my birthday 2 years ago, and I don’t know if I can. There are some things that can’t be forgiven, but this is so small, but it hurts so much still.

I forgive you, and I hope you have some better days coming, honestly.

If you want, you can keep sending asks when you have a bad day? They can stay anonymous, and I can try to help, if that’s okay with you. I can be part of your support system, if you want.

I’m working on a lot of things, and I hope maybe this can help you start working a little to be happier, less full of anger all the time?

But please, be kind to yourself, and if you can’t always be kind to others, then try to find a way to avoid them or ignore them. (I don’t know if I can do that with the boys in my math class tho, they are so loud and I got basically punched in the arm by one of them today, it hurt)

I love you, anon. Please be kind to yourself, and I’m here if you need to talk again. ❤️

You are enough. I love you.

(Also sorry I took forever to respond to your ask, but I saw this right before class, and then school basically drained all of my energy 😭 and then I had a shit load of homework I had to do, at least I get out for break tmrw thank god)

I haven't been on social media much for months and I'll explain why here and how I plan on finishing the rest of the year and what my goals for next year are (I will probs forget to do it later, hence why I'm doing it now)

Anywho, my main reason for being away is for my mental health that has gotten much worse since the end of summer, mainly of course to do with the genocide of Palestinians and the amount of information that has been shared by millions. I've kept my eye on the atrocities on and off since it started, getting some info from family, who I visited recently, but for the most part I've avoided minute-by-minute coverage

I'm a very empathetic person. This means I have a strong sense of noticing others' emotions that become a part of me after enough exposure to them. So for example, if someone I know is extremely sad or cries, even though I'm not experiencing their sadness or pain, I get emotional along with them (since I spend 99% of my time with mum, we feed off each others' feelings and physical attributes the most)

So my depression and anxiety are the main reasons for my absence on everything but YouTube and email. I ultimately have to take care of myself before I can worry about anyone or anything else

I'm back to seeing a therapist every other week on Thursdays via Zoom. She's the first therapist I've ever had that's asked me what my main goals with therapy are and what I'm looking for. My last therapist asked the same thing, but we never actually went over anything practical. Right now, my severe anxiety is what's ruining my life the most, so I wanted to focus strictly on that for now. I want to know what I need to do to combat my anxiety in specific situations, like being out in public places

I've brought up before that I have severe hearing sensory overload. If too many physical noises (meaning stuff not on a screen or through speakers) surround me, I get very jittery and weird feeling in my head and body. I have to leave the room when it gets really bad. Normally I can calm down within 5 minutes of leaving the situation, but that's only if I'm in between 2 people talking with each other. It's a lot worse when they're talking over one another. My worst experience was having sound inside and outside my house that surrounded me on all sides. It took ~30 minutes to return to normal after I went into a secluded area to listen to music with headphones on. As you can imagine this is way too much stimulation for my broken brain to handle, so finding jobs out in the real world are very hard on me

That comes to my next bit of information: I'm still unemployed and looking into temporary disability through my therapist while I learn to take control of my anxiety. I have severe PTSD from being bullied in middle school, living with a mentally abusive parent, and having experienced a terrible car accident almost a year after I graduated high school (this was in 2009) So trusting people on and offline (less so online) has made my adult life very difficult. Riding in vehicles to reach a certain destination was the absolute worst symptom of my mental illness from 2009-2021, and even now I get very subtle anxiety knowing when I have places to get to. I'm obviously loads better than I was back then thanks to meds, but now I have employment to think about, which brings on its own problems

Finding jobs that don't include retail, fast food, or talking to people face-to-face or via phone, especially in my shitty small town, is a nightmare. I've tried finding work remotely at home, but there's always at least 1 requirement that makes me ineligible for the job. I want to make money making digital art, but I lack the skills and exposure in a world where even the most experienced freelancers are struggling to make ends meet (bc of artificial images (AI) taking over the community) As you can tell, this gives me very limited job opportunities and I don't know if I qualify for disability on a normal basis rather than a temporary one, so either way I have less than $150 left in my bank and unable to pay my parents rent bc of all of this

But things here aren't all bad. I enjoyed going to stay with my sisters for all of November where they live, getting to spend time with 4 cats and a foster baby (I did get a bad cold the last week of vacation, but that was the only bad thing about the trip) and coming home to have something I haven't had since 2020

We are fostering a purebred Pitbull girl named Stella for the rest of the year. She's 8 years old but still in her prime and we have become best buds (and napping pals) since day 1. This was a trial run to see if she would be the right fit for the family, and so far everything's been going great, minus her ear infections that we're taking care of. Stella has basically become my dog and we're likely keeping her for the remainder of her life. She's the sweetest and most chill dog I have ever met and I fell in love with her immediately. It took her 2 days of coaxing to be used to getting on my bed, with and without me, and she follows me everywhere I go, so we're bonded for life lol

So that's the most exciting news I have to share about what's been happening with me. I get to go into the new year owning my very own dog and learning how to cope with my anxiety before and after it starts, so I'm looking forward to the new year

Speaking of the new year (I'm almost done, promise!) I have a few goals for 2024 that I really want to stick to my guns about

Run a successful Kickstarter making and selling fire-breathing insect and bug stickers

Making extensive reference sheets of my OCs and fan fiction characters (eg my werewolf au and LoZ stories)

Learning (digital) art restoration. When I visited my sisters, my oldest was gathering foster kid stuff when she became a foster parent, and she got a set of Mega Building Blocks that had significant wear and tear. Some of the pieces with stickers on them were faded and peeling off, so I want to remake those stickers, get them printed, and give them to my sister so she can restore the broken pieces for her future foster kids. This gave me the idea of restoring art that has worn down or ruined over time. I like taking electronics apart and putting them back together again and I enjoy the assembly and design of things, so I think restoring physical items could become a potential art job

Learn basic idle animations of characters and objects. A Clip Studio Paint user makes tutorial videos on the official English CSP YouTube channel, and their latest is simplistic animations in CSP, so I want to try it out and offer it as a commission option if I'm comfortable with the process

Cartoonify famous or interesting places from real life, such as cool cities/towns, schools/colleges, or the Seven Wonders of the World, etc

Visit my friends at our homes or going out to restaurants and into town. My anxiety has made being around the friends I've grown up with really hard as well, not just with employment, so I want that to change a lot too

Legally change my name and gender after wanting to for the last few years (Rocky Dean (dad's middle name) Fuller (mum's maiden name))

Look into getting top surgery in the next 3+ years. I'm finally to the point where having breasts is ruining my life physically (back pain) and mentally (dysphoria) so I need to find a surgeon that doesn't require weight loss or hormone therapy to do the procedure

Just do art in general

That's all for now!

YOU'RE RIGHT!! I TAKE ONE LEAVE AND THE EARTH MEETS THE SKY 😭

No ok let me explain, this is so embarassing, I have a small shelf where I keep my phone, and unfortunately it's near the bathtub, like it's on the wall where the bathtub is and I'm usually very careful and I usually decide on all my songs beforehand and keep it there BUT THT DAY IDK MAYBE IT WAS CUZ I WAS SICK? BUT I SAT IN THE BATHTUB WHILE SEARCHING THE SONG AND IT SLIPPED FRM MY HANDS (I like dangerous things ig?)

Yes, I found the song. "My everything" played as i held the half alive body of my phone in my hand but it survived. Credits to the song man! But my mom scolded me so much 😭 and everyone teamed up on me, talk about being the youngest! But my dad and i ate mid night snacks as i rambled on abt how it wasn't my fault (it was) 😁

OMG YES ANONS COME BACK WERE LONELY it's actually so cute how we've created a small family like saur happy!!! 🙌

And I just read secretary's escape. 26 episodes, done in one day. do i want you to write hwa like seungjo? Yes. Will I enjoy if he was written like tht? Yes, yes I will. I'll enjoy...every. bit. of. it.

Bcz I'm smitten, I'm in too deep, I'm gone, I'm not even here baby, I'm a hallucination. Such an impact....who's making this a drama? Oh and I had a whole reaction on it, like I wrote every little thing I felt and I will share it, mind you. So you better be prepared!!

I literally have it saved as "webtoon annotation" 😭😭

U were right, I've come back to my my roots. WAIT THT ONE SONG THT GOES "BABY IM YOURS, BABY IM YOURS" :0 NO WONDER! I LOVE EVERY E2L U WRITE! U told me abt ur formula 😭 I caught on it, how first we meet hwa, then we fight, loads of it but nothing serious just bickering, and among all tht we don't even realise we fall in love, then either yn or hwa fucks up, and we kinda go back to stage 2 but this time...very serious. And then someone b/w us has to apologize and we finally let the other person in (Bcz of Kai ofc, tht man never comes to play).

The whole transition to fall from summer rlly makes my throat act up fr fr. Wait u had a sore throat too? It's like tht for everyone, I was just sitting studying on my desk then i felt something stingy in my throat and i thought maybe it was cuz I was quite for too long...but then i realised it hurt to swallow and i, in fact had caught a cold 😔 so sad. I hope u take care of yourselves too.

I better sleep, it's like 1, here or mum will scold me again saying how I don't rest when I hv to. HOW DO I EXPLAIN IT TO HER THT MANHWA'S ARE IMP 😭. anyways I'll manage gn ❤️❤️

LMFAOOOO THIS IS SO FUNNY WHGRBKWHD

this all i have to say to the bathtub story

LMFAOOOO UR RIGHT WHY DOES EVERYONE GANG UP ON THE YOUNGEST STOP THATS SO CUTE 😭😭😭 PEAK MEMORY MOMENT im imaging you two, it’s late night, it’s dark and the only thing that’s lit up is both y’all’s body by the fridge’s light and you guys are just snacking up while you explain to your dad and he pretends to listen 😭😭

RIGHT PLS ANONS COME BACK LEMME SEE UR FACES right!! it’s like a small little town in baekhvunsland i hope y’all rmr u have to pay ur rent and that is by coming into my inbox 🔫 some of u are mad over due 🔫

OMFBBFKWJDKW U READ IT FBNWNFKD CRYING SCREAMING no bc. listen to me. i have a hwa ceo fic ok. he’s a very intimidating boss in it. and it kinda fits him and seungjo’s character

crying this is from last year 😭😭

that is my exact reaction. u get me. im all ears anytime babes

YES THAT EXACT SONG FJQNDKW ITS SO I SAW A VIDEO ON IT SAYING “imagine this plays as the enemies pin each other” and my mind said mr and mrs park. LMFAOOOO NOT U EXPOSING LIKE THIS FJWKDJWK KAI WILL FORVER BE MENTIONED IN MY FICS I AINT LETTING THAT FUCKER LEAVE he’s the therapist for readers and the yn ngl he’s coming over and he’s rover

right!! there’s a weird thing in the air these days, yes i did!!! i have a runny nose atm, rainy seasons and thunderstorms are arriving in my city 😭😭 IT HURT TO SWALLO GIRL WHEJ U ACCIDENTALLY WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SWALLOW AND YOURE DYING BC IT SCRATCHES i also swallowed in my sleep and i felt the pain in my dream ,,, im much better now thank u!!! pls take care of yourself and your god damn phone plis

LMFAOOOO it’s one over here for me fbwmbfsm readings webtoons ☺️☺️☺️

omg you’ve read the remarried empress right? navier’s brother is so 🫠 HOW. HOW.

was gonna put these tags on that last reblog re: scars that look like self-harm but aren't but I decided I'd gotten too personal so I just pasted it here and then kept expanding lol

wonky line breaked cuz it was tags at first

my two worst scars that're visible in normal clothes are where a broken table top sliced my leg open (I didn't notice I'd cut anything but my pants for like an hour bc my edema was so bad it held it shut despite... well I def shoulda gotten stitches i'll leave it at that but it was 2007 and I had no insurance so it got a folded paper towel and some packing tape because I needed to finish loading the moving truck) ...and then actually the one related to the point of this post whoops ADHD moment which is FROM A PIECE OF CARDBOARD but on my wrist in a spot that I've gotten comments on it like nah fam I just reached into a box weird working at build a bear and when you have bad edema you get wide scars all the leftover scars from the more self-destructive parts of my life no one would suspect as such cuz I was so afraid of bothering anyone I was very hidden about it

and then decided I should move it to its own post so I got more into some darker shit from my past:

I doubt anyone who didn't do the exact same would notice or identify them hell I've had therapists not believe me they are (or that I was actually suicidal at any point let alone at the moment) and that was fuckin fun when it happened (cuz in 2006 depression was still something you didn't talk about and that people 'faked for attention' or 'are just trying to get ahold of drugs rather than face life' so a 19 year old sobbing her eyes out after flunking out of college and openly admitting to being barely keeping herself together? clearly just wants happy pills better call her a faker)

that said I'm still divided on the post in general I understand and agree with the sentiment and I've seen a horrendous situation back on FB where I was in a group that was like 'help me make small decisions' or something so people would post like yo do I want the green dirnk or the blue one or whatever there was one person who had a feeding tube so a couple times a week they would post asking to help decide which bandage-type things to use to hold it in place a lot of us actually looked forward to those posts too cuz they were so wholesome and the designs were fun in retrospect it was a little 'disability porn' or whatever the right term is for when people go 'oh wow if they can do it so can I!' but the person was clearly trying to share the experience of making the best of their situation? anyway one day a bunch of people went off on them for being triggering to their eating disorders by 'bragging' about having a feeding tube and that by allowing the posts the admins were promoting unhealthy behaviors or some crap like that basically saying 'yo this person clearly ed'd themself into having to have a feeding tube and it's reminding me of my time in the hospital' and like as someone who is triggered by some mundane things at times and has a severe thing with veins and hearts I get that unfortunately something like that can be triggering so I get why someone would want it warned but also like it's that person's daily experience and it's what they would look like out in public and regardless 1. they were being HORRENDOUSLY RUDE about it they didn't just go 'yo could you warn please this is triggering to me' or ask the moderators what the right course of action was this was like 5 people who'd clearly been discussing it in DMs beforehand who WENT OFF and had all those accusations which leads me to 2. the person didn't even have the feeding tube from anything ED related I don't remember the exact reason but they'd had it their whole life so the people going off on them weren't even going off about something that was actually happening the person was not glorifying their eating disorder as accused they were just trying to share something that brought them joy the conclusion olympics continues I guess

but situations where you have competing triggers or needs are always so damn tricky the example I still keep giving is having a roommate who needed their doors all closed whereas closed interior doors freak me out I have zero idea why they just give me severe anxiety I can't have my back to any entrances either like I will not even turn my back to the shower curtain even if the door is locked and I prefer not closing even like the bathroom door if I can get away with it no clue why! but coming upstairs and finding both my roommates' doors closed always made me nauseous which I recognized was a very unusual reaction to have and thus just lived with it especially because I knew at least one of them NEEDED their door shut for similar reasons and it was their room I guess 'the person whose life and space it is's need outweighs others' is a good general guide but like most things it's complicated idk why I gotta be so lmao technicalities about things but such is life

.

hello you beautiful motherfuckin people 😘😇😻💘🥵

many of ya have noticed my absence for the past several weeks and have spammed my inbox with all of ur love to make sure i was doing "okay"....that shit makes my heart weakkk :') i'll never be able to thank everyone enough for the constant love and support i receive on here. like wtf man, ya'll r too good to me. too good. make sure ya catch the blow kisses i'm sending ya'll's way. xoxo

warning: this is an update post that's gonna contain a whole SHIT load of information that may or may not b irrelevant n emotional so stop reading now if u don't wanna fuck with that. 🙃💃

so 'why haven't u been active?' is a pretty basic popular question i receive on a daily basis.

it's valid though.

so is my simple answer of 'mental health'.

it's hard for me to go in depth about some of my issues simply bc they r painful, sensitive, n often taboo topics. who wants to talk about self harm n suicide n vomiting when you think of certain people?

answer: no one, bitch!🎉 that's why i want to, that's why i push myself to be open about it on this blog. i want there to be authentic mental health awareness and i want people to feel supported with their own individual issues. okay? that's why i share. not for attention (haha a special fuck u to the dude calling me an attention whore😜).

anywho, my periods have been triggering some nasty shit. like apocalyptic NASTY shit. for a FULL 2 weeks b4 any bleeding even thinks about starting, i can feel an extreme shift of emotions. my body gets so sore and sensitive (not in a fun way either). i get nauseous and then get overrun with cravings till i eat so much i wanna vomit it all back up. it's all such a grand process.👌 i've wondered about having "pmdd" (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) but i'm not sure tbh. all in all, that means more then half of every month is guaranteed to be a complete shit show that i can't help. God such a cheerful outlook. 🌈 :')

this month wasn't an exception unfortunately. but this time, i found myself feeling unsafe when i was alone...like i fully expected myself to hurt or kill my own body. not cool.

one night i just started scratching my legs for no FUCKING reason. with acrylics u don't tear skin - u make bruises instead. 👇 i attached some pics below bc i wanted to share with some of my followers who currently self harm - ur not alone in this battle and self harm comes in sooooo many different forms. it's not always a knife to a wrist. and u shouldn't only seek help if there's blood involved - protect ur body and ur mind.

needless to say i don't wear shorts anymore to avoid the well-meaning, prying questions of "does your boyfriend abuse you?"

seeing these bruises when i woke up was a bit of a shock... i had to admit to myself that i wasn't safe to be around. imagine looking in the mirror n telling urself that. heart breaks a little, right?

i haven't exercised or eaten well in several weeks. not since February 14th. funny how one can remember the exact moment and day they felt themselves starting to fall apart all over again.

i continue to see my therapist on a (mostly) weekly basis tho i have about 3 more sessions till i'll be paying completely out of pocket for the appointments, if i wish to continue. tough choice. 👍💸

today i met with a new doctor to discuss getting blood work done for hormone imbalances, also scheduled an ultrasound of certain glands that could affect me mentally, and after receiving my results i'll consider some different birth control options that could potentially regulate my progesterone & estrogen levels that i'm guessing r reallyyy out of line. i'm fighting very hard for my mental health rn even if it doesn't look like it. my previous doctor was a white male in his 50s and labeled any problems i had as 'typical female issues', or my personal fav: 'puberty'. so cliche it's almost laughable hahahaaaaaaa. :'D now i'm fuckin thrilled to finally have a doctor who's my advocate and genuinely wants to figure out what's going on in this crazy body!! yayy.

some of u have asked if i've been keeping up with my vitamin D (no this isn't a penis joke), since a deficiency is typically related to minor depression, and i wanted to reassure u that i do - along w about 9 other vitamins/supplements on a daily basis 😂 my most recent addition to the pill casserole is "Vitex", a natural hormone balancer. i'm curious to see if it will help n let me know if ya'll have ever tried it b4 too🙏 apparently it's been used to reduce male libido n i'm like, bitch if it lowers my sex drive then that's a plus. :'D cure my inner attention whore lmaoooo.

welp, i'm done with my whine fest. on a muchhhhhh happier note....

i did end up getting a 2nd cat @ the local shelter's adoption event and she was FREE like O.M.G🙀 i named the adorable fluff of hair "Beau".💔 yep, after my fav poet Beau Taplin. goddamn i'm such a softie.

she's about 7 years old and my other cat (Molly the grey tabby) is about 10. i've been slowwwlllyy introducing them for the past couple weeks and god it's been a process. enjoy the pic i attached below of Molly in mid hiss. i think beau was about to smack a bitch down. she's got a bit of 'hold my earrings' in her. 👇

they're like the Sapphic couple in every cringe fanfic whose endgame is enemies to lovers. i'm convinced they make out when i leave the room... here they r disturbing my nap today👇

they are my fucking babies and they have honestly been motivating my sry ass during a time where it's hard to even get out of bed. so guys, find what motivates u and keep it close. so very close.🌹

- it's different for everyone too, my motivation may be pets but urs could be photography or sunsets or coffee or football or fixing cars or make up. literally anything. just discover it and hold on to it like a lifeline. because it fucking IS.

so basically in summary: i'm struggling, i love ya'll, and my heart goes out to anyone who's in pain as well rn - you're not alone. consider this blog ur safe place n never hesitate to slide in the dms if u feel the need.

((just don't dare text me that "brighter days r coming soon" bc that actually makes me want to slide needles under ur fingernails oops lol))

also some brilliant dude on here randomly popped up sayin he'd wear my thighs as earmuffs if i dropped another personal pic n i'm honestly still laughing about that. $20 reward to the next person who can make me laugh 😂😂😂😂 p.s. here's my booty👇

@buttt-mnch tagged me to post a personal update and i tag the lovelies below, tho no pressure if you'd rather not participate! xoxo and yes i'm aware my update was disgustingly long. but do i care? naw bitch🤠😇

i tag: @the-cy-lentone @the-infinite-accent @knightconvoy @hows-goes-it @calcifina @gunnertx @itslateatnightandimsad @licensed-doodler @slagothorusrex @megamanthefightingrobot @silv3rclouds-with-graylining @warxpunkxmonk @talkingtealeaves @seraphyofphobos @m0dern-gl1tch @bigbrotherw @whymxs @njwavegod @sandwichl0ve @lupo-di-ferro @letmetakeadrag @lowzium @deadlycylence @perfecting-imperfections0110 @seraphysmokes99 @hauntedsiriel @angelwbrokenwingss @nekron1984 @sammy-the-best @hermastersvoiceuk @names-dont-matter69 @cthuwu-the-ewdwitch-howwow

my queue will be up soooooooon xoxo and i'll b responding back to ya'lls dm's tomorrow. nighty night i'm gonna go watch some porn😴💦

(03/06/20)

Welp the tumblr app has been especially messed up for me the last few days and my timeline/feed rarely loads?

I guess an update:

Slowly working on cleaning out the garden for this season now that its finally warming up more steadily and spring is officially here. Being very cautious though. I hate that we have such short growing seasons here compared to other places - there are people with their gardens already fully established again lol - but it's also fine bc I have a lot more plans than before and I'm trying to be smart and efficient and also Very Patient. Getting the soil to a better place while also growing things to eat and use is gonna feel like a really great success for me.

I'm not sure if my hip injection is entirely working/helping? I have my period (early) and that always affects my pain in that hip, so I'll have to wait it out and see afterwards. I feel like the injection has forced other muscles to activate that werent activating before, which could be a good thing? But I'm also getting strange sensations like things are shifting around that shouldnt be, I still have the tearing/pinching/sharp pain, and it's just frustrating to wonder if they targeted the right area etc.

I did PT exercises today. The difference between my left + right hip is profound when I do clamshells. It's strange to feel so much weakness when I've literally been walking/standing this whole time.

Something I haven't mentioned to literally anyone besides Andrew, is that I was selected as a candidate for the HEDGE study that the EDS Society is doing for a hEDS genetic marker... when I first got diagnosed, I sent them all my info and I guess they just got to it and confirmed I'd be a good candidate. I feel extremely mixed about all of it - its surreal in a way bc I feel like I'm being diagnosed all over again, like its re-affirming my diagnosis? It still trips me out. Then there has been drama/issues around certain aspects of the EDS Society, and the hEDS criteria in general.... and then there's that whole "give someone your whole fucking DNA sequence to do what they want with" thing. But obv there are consent forms and privacy laws that I've already scanned thru once and will do so again with a clear head. I'm gonna talk to my therapist about it too.

Basically, I'm thinking of going ahead with it unless I'm presented with a good reason not to (feel free to send experiences/impressions my way). Main reason being to help with research where it could help other people in the future. Idk.

This is already a silly length of a post, soooo, that's all for now.