I'm going on holiday tomorrow. I'm bringing 4 books for 5 days. I'm going to do nothing but lay on the beach and drink cocktails.

It's embarrassing to care this much about establishing connections or talking to people on the Internet where I'm exclusively confined to verbal text but my real life situation is hopeless that it feels like occasionally chatting with people online is the only socialisation I ever get.

And really it feels less about the talking and more about this generic idea that as long as I 'want' to talk I don't 'have' to die. Over the months of this year I've gradually been losing interest in really talking to anybody, I have no self-affective 'warmth' for my past LOs anymore and only a feeling of shame for having had bothered them, I feel apathetic towards those close acquaintances I had who both disappeared half a year ago that I'm not really convinced they'll come back anymore, and even though I still feel positively about my current associates I don't feel like there is anything I can or want to say to any of them.

Even saying all of this right now feels a little pointless, since complaining about my feelings feels a little dull and repetitive now too. I get this worrisome feeling that if I don't at least try to socialise a little then I'll just go 'oh, whatever, I guess' and kill myself, since it's not like I'm doing anything more important with my time. I just keep wasting it on frivolous things that don't help anybody or mean anything. It feels like I have to repay my uselessness somehow and that's not an easy task when I've bern useless for so long, I mean, I haven't done a single thing that 'matters' to anybody for as long as I remember, only mild acts of politeness so uninspired that the receiver forgets it by the evening, since it didn't really matter.

I still get flashes of anger and resentment as I did in the past but most days my pervasive feeling is a bored pointlessness. It's not that dying is something as 'frantic' as before anymore, it's that staying alive takes work, I have to eat and sleep and shit and everything takes money, so it's a lot of sinking costs. Alternatively it's not that death is some great sense of happiness but that it's effortless, and it isn't bad. There isn't a good reason not to die, I can't think of any, and nobody else can either. It's sad when other people die but when I die it won't matter to anybody, not even to myself. It doesn't even seem like it's possible to notice. It'll happen on an ordinary day and people won't suspect it since if they don't think about me while I'm existing but absent it doesn't actually make a difference if I'm actually dead.

It’s my Friday :)

sorry i havent been posting recently !! ive just been super really busy lately

Wanting to continue writing my Amanda redemption fic but also wanting to write the Sixty & Co. Fic I started planning but also wanting to draw suggestions I've received but also wanting to read fics I've been putting on hold but also wanting to work on the animatic I have planned but also wanting t-

This Monday simply won't stop Mondaying.

i do not give a single Fuck about my job other than when my days off are. theyre the only days i feel normal and then its stripped away from meeeeee ( ノД`)…

Also increasingly aware that a LOT of people "manage" getting through the 40+ hour work week by sleeping less than is healthy and relying on stimulants like coffee and energy drinks to keep them going.

For people who are unwilling or unable to do this...work really does just dominate your life. Like we really should not have to rely on unhealthy practices just to have a social life or keep on top of housework or whatever.

I know I post about this a lot but I'm so TIRED all the time and it's just so depressing that this is how we're expected to spend the one life we have.

ok so i decided to try this bc everyone else is doing it and i seriously need motivation, so hello

if you get this to 15k (fuck that is a terrifying number, can you tell that I'm trying to make this absolutely impossible for you guys) by new years eve then i will finish the first drafts of:

my wlw christmas friends to lovers slow burn romance (it literally takes them like 8 years to get together)

my gay prince fantasy enemies to lovers mistaken identity forebidden romance

my dystopian queer found family extremely dramatic assassin story

edit: i am going to die. i can't believe you guys got it to 15k what 😭😭 im gonna have to start writing

Something something the way that Crowley introduced himself to Aziraphale the first time they met in the garden and reacted as if they had never met before. Something about him later behaving as if he did actually have those memories of their time in Heaven together and trying to pass it off as being someone different now. Something about Heaven's way of punishing angels that go against the plan by erasing their memories. Something about Crowley seeing Gabriel without his memory and saying "ask him properly." Something about "remember it now" "it hurts, to remember. my head isn't built for that" "I know. Do it anyway"

Something about "I know. Looking at where the furniture isn't"

Something about I know

took the poor bat to humane society to be tested 😞

at vet bc hs recommended rabies booster. Hopefully it is negative and it's not too late for the cats

My issue is I simultaneously want to take a nap forever and do everything in the world

stayed gone but you're the sinners watching/listening

(AKA I spend an unnecessary amount of time editing)

I love your ghost design. I wanna squeeze him :⁠^⁠)

If no hug then why hug-shaped???

Production houses: but if the writers stay on strike we can't guarantee the future safety of your favorite shows 🥺🥺😭😭

Viewers who 1, have already lost their favorite shows because they were cancelled in spite of good ratings and good reviews or 2, have stopped watching new content entirely until the entire series has aired and concluded as a result of so many good shows getting cancelled on cliffhangers and thus leaving said viewers unable to gain closure with those characters and with a hollow viewing experience, so they've begun a, watching older shows they know came to a planned conclusion or b, revisiting their old favorites and enjoying the nostalgia or c, reading new books or fanfic instead: YOU ALREADY CAN'T GUARANTEE THE FUTURE OF OUR SHOWS SO GET FUCKING WRECKED AND PAY WRITERS WHAT THEY DESERVE!