henlo transgender people who are currently taking t or happen to experience this, how do you deal w the irritation that comes from new facial hair? I don’t mind the hair itself but I do experience myself feeling more itchy under the chin and stuff and I’m trying really hard not to pick at my skin but it’s very hard, I’m not sure if it’s just the hair growth itself or a mixture of that and getting acne again cause of second puberty but yeah </3 any tips appreciated! <3

Haikyuu Skincare Routines

I know most of these hoes would actually just use the bar soap they just used on their pubes on their faces but I’m a skincare whore and that’s unacceptable. This is mainly going to reference kbeauty bc that’s what I’m most familiar with. This is unedited brain heartburn please be wary

Kuroo would come across that one™ heavily quoted vit c research paper (15% ascorbic acid, 0.5% ferulic acid and 1% vit e in alpha tocopherol form) and literally only use that serum (he uses the wishtrend 15% with ferulic acid bc fuck skinceuticals and their $150+ serum) in his routine in combination with the Good Morning cleanser from Cosrx bc it’s cheap and the first thing that popped up when he searched for low acidity cleansers. Uses a combo spf moisturizer from clean and clear bc he hasn’t ‘gotten that far’ into skincare

Hanamaki would be the anti-skincare guru and only believe in cetaphil and whatever prescription his derm gave him but still wonder why his skin isn’t getting better. Uses Elta md sunscreen which is good but there’s so many better options out there honey (get out of your asshole we know you can see the results on your friends)

Mattsun would take a page out of makkis book but prob would opt for curology instead bc he doesn’t have the spare money to see a whole ass derm+/saw the ad somewhere and it worked for him so he kept the subscription. Doesn’t use spf like a heathen

Akaashi would have a solid three or four step routine depending on his mood for the day consisting of: 1. a cream to foam cleanser (bc he doesn’t like the way his face feels tight after super stripping cleansers) 2. probably that galactomyces toner from cosrx except he sprays it onto a cotton pad, tones his face, and then sprays it directly for a good pat down 3. (Optional) a lululun facemask or serum sample he got when he bought his toner 4. A thin layer of a rather dense cream but opts for a lighter cream in the summer or daytime but sometimes whatever bokuto got bc he basically shares akaashis stuff. Spf when he’s going to be out and about that day, but not to school bc he considers that indoors even with the windows flooding uv rays into the room but ok

Bokuto would use whatever akaashis using bc it looked cool to have a routine but then realized after following it for a while that he likes the super clean feeling after washing his face and would probably buy perfect whip by senka bc the foam is super satisfying to play with and it leaves him feeling super clean. He would feel bad about using akaashis products all the time and replace them every now and then with whatever he saw on a commercial or with whatever he got suckered into buying from the super convincing attendants at the beauty counter. One time bokuto used all his savings and bought the flagship pitera cream from skii bc if it’s the most expensive and best it’s gotta be good right? Akaashi sighed and tried using it but the fragrance broke him out and he couldn’t muster up the heart to tell bokuto so he just replaced the insides of the jar with the snail cream from cosrx and the placebo affect made bokutos skin shine like he belonged on the face of Elle. Doesn’t know spf exists unless it’s on a beach

Tendou would fall into any skincare fad and try it once. Has a billion products he’s tried once and thrown away bc it ‘didn’t work out’. Has definitely fucked up the pH balance of his skin, over exfoliated more than once, destroyed his skin barrier, and sometimes combined all of these in one sitting. Needless to say his skin is screaming all the time because it’s so damn sensitive from the torture he puts it through but he thinks the stinging is the product ‘working’, When he ‘tries’ a product he goes straight in without patch tests and applies w a y too much. Gets intoxicated with the feeling of slippy slidy on his face which makes him feel like the product is sinking into his skin better. Definitely makes faces and contorts his face while doing so. Does not actually have a semblance of an actual skincare routine other than doing it for fun. For some reason he always uses spf and remembers to reapply.

Ushijima would be the king of spot treatments and moisturization. Knows more than basics, and definitely incorporates skincare into his routine because he just likes the word routine jk he just gets frustrated from the occasional spot that typically comes up on his chin, otherwise he has immaculate skin. Moisturizes with a gel cream (probably the water bank cream from laneige) because he likes the feel of the oil/water balance on his face. Definitely tries the occasional fad with Tendou but in moderation and picks up whatever he likes/whatever tendou wants to throw away. Favorite products would probably be benzoyl peroxide spot treatments and would only use acne patches overnight. Uses spf occasionally but forgets most of the time unless tendou reminds him.

Kenma would accidentally click an ad for a gimmicky all in one skincare product but then whirlpool himself into the world of skincare and pick up a thing here and there and use it most of the time. If he’s on a gaming binge he won’t wash his dusty face until his eyes water and the crap his long eyelashes have so desperately kept away for the last 18 hours get mixed into his eyeballs and then he’ll finally wash his face. Probably uses good morning cosrx cleanser like kuroo (they get 1+1 deals together) and then the anti stress carrot pads by bellamonster bc he liked the flip top and the big pads bc it’s faster to finish his skincare with more wiping surface area. Finishes with dr jarts cicapair cream bc he’s got somewhat sensitive skin and it doesn’t bother him for his long wear hours. Knows that he should wear sunscreen but still opts out bc he rationalizes it by saying that he prob doesn’t even get enough sun to get his vit d requirement so he doesn’t really need it and to that I say touché

Hinata watched a hadalabo commercial on tv when he was young so he has a firm! belief that your skin should be sticky enough so that the van der waals forces between your palms and cheeks feel like peeling tape after you’re done with your skincare routine. An absolute hyaluronic acid whore, started off with hadalabo but the paraben scare ultimately made him switch to isntrees hyaluronic acid toner plus, not to be confused with the normal one because the more diverse the molecule sizes, the better, no? He doesn’t really understand but he understands that it sinks in better than the original and he likes the dark blue color of the toner on his counter because it makes him feel 0.00001% more manly. Also uses the sleeping mask from the same line before tournaments to mentally(?) prepare himself. Doesn’t use spf unless playing outside because hyaluronic acid is all he knows about actual skincare

Asahi would probably try to find an oil that’s good for his beard and his face. A true connoisseur of cleansing oils as well because he got sucked into it after overhearing from the girls in class that it helps with clogged pores. He always needed something to help with that because he had been getting ingrowns ever since he started getting facial hair. It took a lot to muster up the courage to ask for recommendations and even though he started off with the kose speedy cleansing oil hes made his way all the way up to shu uemuras anti pollution cleansing oil. He doesn’t keep it in the open because he doesn’t want anybody to mistake it for hand soap (ahem nishinoya) and it’s kind of his little secret because he treats it as a mini stress reliever at the end of his day. Doesn’t use spf because he thinks it’ll make him tan unevenly

Osamu looooves using apothecary themed skincare or skincare with essential oils. Probably a whore for the klairs supple preparation toner and innisfree as a brand. The type to cup his hands around his nose after using a product on his skin and breathe it in. Solid skincare routine (that he actually makes a routine) equipped with regular sheet mask sessions every week. His skin is positively glowing and glorious and it makes atsumu mega jealous but he really just doesn’t put in the same effort as osamu does and it shows. Thinks if the packaging says ~derived from natural ingredients~ it’ll have less chemicals or something. If he ever went on a trip to Korea he probably went to jeju as well to experience the innisfree green tea/osulloc luxury tea shop (2 birds with one stone, ya know?). When he was younger he probably liked skinfood (I’m sorry I had to) or tonymoly bc it was cheap, gimmicky, and fun to play around with with atsumu. Hates it when atsumu steals his sheet masks, especially if they’re the mediheal ones he keeps at the back of his drawer. Uses spf at the end of his routine always but forgets to reapply sometimes.

Atsumu really likes fragranced skincare bc he thinks it makes the product more luxurious. Forgets to wash his hands between hair care products and skincare products which makes him break out from time to time. He thinks he has a routine but in reality it’s just the normal 2-3 step he puts on occasionally for the ~vibes~ but is still worried about that line or two starting to form around his eyes. Loves sheet masks, especially the cellulose ones where it feels like agar jelly on your skin. Honestly just likes masks in general (eye masks, wash off masks, sleeping masks, modeling packs) but he likes getting them done at the spa (he takes osamu with him when he steals one too many of his mediheal masks). Washes his face regularly with whatever osamus using because he’s too lazy to bother getting his own but too invested in looking good to ignore the pretty bottle of face wash just begging to be used. Uses spf when he remembers that uva=wrinkles

stranger than fiction.

Urgh, where to start? My fingers are a mess. Like, a real mess. And they also really hurt. Last night I spent about an hour attempting to pull an ingrown hair out of my eyebrow - which I was adamant was coming out - with tweezers, and in the process managed to create a small hole in my eyebrow which now just bleeds. Yay. So now I have a scabby cut on one side and a soon-to-be-scabby hole on the other. What an absolute delight. I haven't the energy nor the motivation for anything at all today. I just want to sleep. Anxiety was horrendous again this morning and the last two days have just been awful for it. I'm not sure why it is so bad again, but oh my, it's hell. The anxiety I had when I woke up this morning was so bad that I just couldn't move, couldn't breathe and felt like I was going to be sick. Morning panic attacks are honestly the worst. it really doesn't set you up for a good day anyway when that's how your day starts.

[Blog Title: Stranger Than Fiction - Bad Religon].

Climbing Through the Wall

TW: Self Harm, Weight issues, and family instability, oh and nudity, I guess. It’s a non-fiction thing so if that’s not your bag, thanks for coming anyway!

It’s never really been a secret, per se, but I’ve only just now started to freely admit to people that I’m a nudist. Be it out of fear of how people would react, or embarrassment stemming from a, now that I think of it, weirdly conservative upbringing, I never talked about it. I would drop hints here and there, but never much explicit, even with super close friends it remained a non-topic, despite the fact that it was, and is, a very big part, and honestly, fundamental part of my life. Hell, I’m literally naked right now (Probably, depending on when you’re reading this and what time of day it is, I could be at the store or at work or something, but it’s like a solid 90 percent chance). When the topic does come up, especially with people just learning about it for the first time, I get a lot of questions about it, which is absolutely to be expected, and I don’t mind it one bit, mostly because I love talking about this kinda stuff. One of the questions that always trips me up a little bit though, is “Why?” Why choose to go naked all the time? Which seems like an easy answer, being naked is awesome, it’s more comfortable, it releases stress, and makes it easier to sleep, and it honestly baffles me why anyone would choose to wear clothes if they didn’t absolutely have to. For me at least, it’s the only time I’m ever really comfortable, clothes and I just never really gelled. But it wasn’t until recently, and I’m talking within the last 3 months recently that I realized how important it was to me, and the recovery of my self image. My self esteem has always been low, and a lot of that stems from how I physically look, but it goes even deeper than that. From here on out this story gets kind of intense,TW: Self Harm, Weight issues, and family instability, oh, and nudity I guess, but you should have figured that out by now,  so if you’re not into that, maybe skip to the last paragraph? Or you could bail out here, the whole gist of it is being naked makes you feel better about yourself, you and your friends should give it a try sometimes. Got it? Good, and here we go.

I’ve always been the fat kid, right from the get go, in school that’s how I was pegged. Like a lot of fat kids, we learned to be the funny one in the group, because humour is a damn fine way to mask any and all insecurities you’re hiding within yourself. I’d always told myself that it doesn’t bother me, people are gonna say what they say and you can eiher take it personally, or let it roll off your back and make a joke about it, and that’s what I always did. Or at the very least, tried to do. It worked, or so I thought, but I’d be lying to you right now if I said it never got to me. Late night when no one was listening, it would replay over and over in my head, about how that’s the only thing people ever see in me. That’s always going to be their first impression. I will never be loved if I look like this. Now this is a batshit crazy way of thinking in retrospect, but that’s how m'brain works when it’s back on it’s bullshit. Later in life, what I now know to be an anxiety issue and mental illness, went unchecked for too long. In my family, I always had to be the level headed one, parenting the parents so to speak. My brother had sever Social Anxiety Disorder and would lash out in increasingly terrible ways that he can talk about in his own damn story, but my parents were not… I dunno, mature enough? No that seems silly, equipped to? Equipped to take care of this in the way it needed to be. Yelling begat more yelling, violence begat more violence, you see how things roll. I would always have to step in and make sure things don’t escalate any further than they already had. Taking pieces of myself and shoving them in the holes of the levee to make sure the whole place doesn’t flood. It would work, things would calm down and merrily we’d roll along until the next disaster hit. This worked for them. It didn’t however, work for me. Being the person who took care of these issues took a toll on me that I didn’t expect. See, I was just as sad and angry as everyone else, but I couldn’t express it in any way, because I needed to fix the issues before they became worse, but unlike everyone else, I had no one to check on me. No one to make sure that I was doing okay enough to function, which as it turned out, I was not. The anger and the sadness and the overall  negative emotion swelled inside of me and remained bottled up until it could no longer stay. I began to cut myself to release it. I couldn’t find someone to help, and I couldn’t take it out on anyone else, so I took it out on the person who mattered least in the house, myself.

Still with me? If so, here’s a puppy.

Cutting may have relieved the emotional pain and stress I was feeling, but it also left something in it’s wake. Big, obvious, ugly, red scars. Crisscrossing my arms and legs. New ones would pop up every couple of days or so. A couple people would ask about it, I’d tell them it was my cat, which if you knew my cat made sense, ‘cause that little thing’s kind of a bastard, and the situation would be left alone. This went on for a while, longer than I’d like to admit, but the important thing was I got help. Help from friends who are truly invaluable to me in ways I could not possibly convey because I don’t know that many words. I’d love to say it got better immediately, and I never even thought about doing it again, but shiiiit, you know that’s not how life works. I still struggle with it to this day. I was however, on the road to healing, both physically and mentally. The problem remained though, these scars would be with me forever. You can still see them if you look close enough at my arms, and it’s been a solid ten years or so since the first major incidents. Now, as someone who already had a pretty low vision of himself, this did not help at all. I hated going outside, I hated putting myself out there in the world. I hated what people might think, might say, might point out. It was an awful ouroboros of thoughts leading to actions leading to thoughts leading to actions. I was disgusted with who I was and what I looked like. From the fat, to the scars, to the fact that I thought my head was too big, and my feet too small. Now, as a guy, you don’t know that you get to feel this way. We don’t talk about how men can obsess over their looks and how it makes them feel as much as we really do. There’s not a lot of self help books for that kind of situation, or if there is, I sure didn’t find any. Mostly 'cause I didn’t look that hard, mostly because I was afraid to ask for help, mostly because I didn’t know I was allowed too. There’s that ouroboros again.

This is where the whole nudist thing kicks in. See, my whole life, I always kinda hated clothes, getting dressed, shopping for them, gah, I just hate it. I was always more comfortable naked than anyway else. My parents on the other hand, wanted no part of anything like that. I remember as a 4 year old getting told I was too old to walk around without being fully dressed. Socks, Pants, Underwear, Shirt, the whole 9 yards. I remember bring up the subject to my mom, who was so horrified at the concept of me being a nudist she actually started yelling despite herself. We once watched a documentary where one of the characters was raise in a nudist family, there weren’t even on screen, and my parents would rally against them, talking about how it’s sick and why have these people no shame? I always gave a half-harted  affirmation, but on the inside, it was killing me. I never drank, did drugs, had underage, unprotected sex, got into fights, that wasn’t really my thing. My rebellion was being naked. Naked inside, outside, sometimes with friends, sometimes in public, for as long as humanly possible, down to the last millisecond I could. But during the rough patch, I hated how I looked so much I stayed covered up, to a ridiculous degree. I’m talking long sleeve shirts in summertime, wearing shorts in the bathtub kind of covering. It was a mess. I figured the whole thing was a phase and it was time to outgrow it. It was time to repress some feelings and urges, and get back shoving my emotions and feelings of inadequacy back down my own throat.

I know it was a stupid idea. I’m also in the future.

This went on for a while, although I can’t remember how long. I felt miserable, and couldn’t figure out why. I kept wearing increasingly baggy clothes to hide what I though deserved to be hid. But I wasn’t getting any better internally, it just looked like it. I didn’t feel any better about the way I looked, I just stopped looking. I don’t know what changed, eventually. Something did though. Maybe I just cracked through the shell I had formed around myself. But for the life of me, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I may have hated the way I looked, but I hated clothes more, I guess.

When you’re naked for a long amount of time, a few things happen. At first, you’re highly aware and tactile about every single thing around you. You’re aware of every imperfection on your body, from love handles, to acne, to scars, to weird ingrown hairs, to what you need to shave, to how dry your knees are. Everything, Every. Damn. Thing. And then? You forget about it. You focus on something else, you watch TV, you play video games, you clean the house, you check your garden, whatever it is, and you forget about what little things bug you about you. When you do it over and over again, that first part where you obsess about everything becomes shorter, and shorter, until it eventually disappears altogether. Nudity helped me come to peace with who I am, and what I look like. I may not like a lot of the things about me. But I don’t obsess, it doesn’t ruin me, it doesn’t encapsulate all I am anymore. The biggest change was seeing it happen to other people, the first time I ever went to a nude event, it was the Portland Naked Bike Ride in 2016, and you realize how diverse we all really are. I saw fat people, skinny people, trans-gendered people, men, women, children of all shapes, sizes and colours hanging out and talking to people. I was horrified about what they would think about me when I came walking in, but no one batted an eye. We talked, we laughed, we shared stories and jokes and videos about whatever. I finally realized that the only person saying these terrible things about me and they way I looked, was me.

Whenever I finally tell people that I’m a nudist, I get one of two reactions. One is always someone showing a ton of interest, but not wanting to admit it, so they ask a lot of questions, but try to do it superstitiously, and two, people who say stuff like “That’s so cool, but I could never do it myself,” and that one always bums me out. We have taught people from the time that they’re born to the time they die, that being naked is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing, and is only to be reserved for taking a shower no longer than ten minutes, and having sex in the missionary position only for the purposes of procreation after marriage, and for the love of all that is holy never speak of it, or practice it outside of these two times. It’s terrible to shame someone for something so simple and natural and helpful. To tell people right out of the gate that their body is shameful and should be hidden away because “No one wants to see that.” We kick their self esteem in the chest before it even has a chance to get started

I’m getting kind of soapbox-y and that’s not the point I’m trying to make. The point is, I fully believe that nudism saved my perception of myself, and I feel like people need to give it a chance. Separate it from it’s sexual connotation and invite your friends over for a naked movie night or something like that. I even ran a naked DND session once, and it went over like gangbusters. It helps folks who t think they’ll be uncomfortable for the first time focus on something else, and realize life is just that much better. Getting people naked and watching their faces go from assuming it’s going to be awkward to genuine fun and comfort is one of my favourite feelings in the world, because we stop putting so much pressure on ourselves and what we wear and what we look like, when no one has anything to hide..

some anxiety things

-”wait.,, am I driving my own car?” Yes you are in fact driving your own car, how could you be driving anyone else’s car? - spooky ghost shadow just passed my peripherals for the 89th time or just sleep deprived? -do I sound like a screeching brake when I speak? -*in discord* hey guys here’s a thing I wanted to tell you *everyone in discord is distracted and no one responds* alright good talk boys call me if you need me *disconnects from call* -stomach rumbling? probably sick -someone made you mildly insecure about yourself so now you have to over think it and realize everyone hates you (when they don’t) -i’m hungry but if I eat I’ll throw up -i have been trying to sleep for the last two hours but my brain wants me to stand up and pace the room -cleAN CLEAN GOTTA CLEAN IT’S 1 IN THE MORNING AND I WORK IN 5 HOURS BUT I FORGOT TO FOLD MY LAUNDRY SO WE’RE CLEANING RIGHT NOW HAHAHAH -waking up from nap and feeling like you slept into the next week -that uncomfortable feeling you get when you make a joke at your expense and then someone tries to comfort you and you’re not sure if you want to accept help and tell them what’s really wrong or if you want to pretend you’re ok -I just looked over my shoulder and know it’s safe to change lanes but i’m gonna check 60 more times just to be REEALLY sure -LeG sHaKEEEE -”why does my back always hurt?” probably because you’re like a stressed out deer ready to fucking bolt at the slightest noise so your muscles never relax -my toe is tingling? does this mean I have the wilford brimley? -I’ve been losing weight despite not doing anything to earn it, i have decided I have a tapeworm -starting a new hobby because you feel stuck on your favorite hobby and feel like you’ll never improve on it, when in reality you are getting very good at it -picking at zits, ingrown hairs, blackheads, anything that sticks out of your skin and makes it not smoov -not being able to read a whole paragraph because your brain keeps jumping around from things -wanting to be liked so doing extra stuff that makes you less appealing -popping of every poppable body part and maybe something you didn’t think was possible to pop -lip chewing Feel free to add more

I really felt like writing early but now I can’t remember what I even wanted to say.

Today was a bit busy, but in a good way. We tried to get labs done today at the hospital so our new doctors can have the 411 on us but when we got there at 10:30am they had everything shut down and said we had to make an appointment online. I was so weak with hunger and not trying to trigger a flare up so we booked something two weeks from now and kept it moving. I had to eat burger king because I didn’t think I’d make it home without passing out.

After lunch we hit up the nail salon and got medis and pedis. My big toes have ingrown nails I’ve been living with for years and the technician that was working on me tried to set it up properly so it would heal better. She did a good job, it was painful as hell but I learned that all the women I went to before her were screwing me over. I legit thought I would have to get surgery but now I can try a few sessions with her cutting it correctly and I might be okay.

Once our nails were done we headed to the mall to get Chu a nice suit. We have the charity ball this Saturday and I just couldn’t believe he didn’t have a proper suit. He never had to go to a funeral or even a job interview apparently. We dropped close to 700 bucks on getting him fitted but it should be a good investment. I know I spent way more on dresses and such in the last two years. Besides, he works hard. I want him to look good.

We had to go to the grocery store AND the chiropractor today but I was so beat that I ended up just taking a nap before the gym. Looking back at it now I only had one full meal today and it was fast food. I had a pb&j after my shower and some nachos Chu made last minute to use up some Christmas cheese we had gotten as a gift, but thats it. I’ll be better tomorrow when I get everything I need from the store. I ended up buying that food tracker app and they gave me a great meal plan for the week that hits all my calorie goals. One of the best things about it is that the recipes take no time at all and they put together the grocery list for you. Perfect. I’m not even sure if I should be cutting calories right now, but my weight needs to be in a better spot. I’ll try it out for a month and see how it goes with my lifting schedule.

I have to get dental surgery soon. I had a lot of build up of tarter when I went to my appointment last week but I’m not surprised. It’s been over a year since my last cleaning. I was going faithfully every 6 months before that but the pandi hit and I wanted to play it safe. I got a new waterpik and everything. Anyway, they mention that my gums were a little low and they recommend I cut them back. The doctor said it would transform my whole smile because the “little” teeth I thought I had on the sides were actually just been covered by my gums. 33 years old and no one has ever told me that. I was also self conscious about my right side especially, never once thinking that my tooth was full size and just hidden. Why hasn’t any of the other dentist told me this before? I might have to get braces again too. Hopefully I can just get by with just a retainer. 

I feel like I’m really coming into my own lately. I’m getting my skin care under control and not having as many breakouts as I did when I was in my teens and twenties. I got my eyebrows shaped and shaded and now I’m taking care of my body and going to the gym every day. I’m proud of myself. This is something I never invested in before and it feels new and strange...and good. Like it should have been this way all along. Me wearing pretty dresses, not needing a reason to look nice or to get my hair done. I want to take pictures, make videos with my love and just shine. It all feels so good. So far my 30s has been a blast, I’m really looking forward to what else I discover about myself. I’m looking forward to growing older. I never realized how much I talked myself out of stuff I wanted to try. Back in the day, a lack of funds was a real problem. I worked so much that I didn’t have time for such things because rent and bills needed to be paid. By the end of the work week I scraped what was left of my pennies and had a light night on the town with my friends. How life has changed.

I have to keep working hard so I can keep this up. I’m becoming so addicted to this self care, expression and exploration. I don’t want to feel like a stranger when I’m celebrated. I think this journey will help with that.

Mum took me out into town today! It was an intensely stressful experience. She came back from her holiday a fortnight ago all fired up for some reason about accepting me as trans, which is deeply unnerving, but thats because I keep forgetting that people don’t forget I exist simply because they can’t see me, (no matter how much I would like them too).

SO mum took me out to the largest town nearby that I also don’t know anybody at. (three “towns” nearby us: small, medium, big, 25,55,45 minutes away respectively. people know me at small and big, and as this was sensitive we went for medium). Brother gave me a money gift to buy some pretty clothes. 

On the one hand, its fantastic that family are so vehemently supportive and its good that I’ve finally made a tiny bit of progress towards it instead of just being afraid of the future. On the other hand, thats FUCKING TERRIFYING. I still completely struggle with the idea that people like me and want to do things for me. (I’ve been working on it, theres lots of evidence that shows that I’m not a terrible person and that their affection isn’t baseless. its.. not working very well.)

Saw a very pretty top with like some chain across the top, white with some dark squiggly patterning. I’ve no idea what size I am, and this was the first store we went into. I have no confidence in this, and I am fearful of ridicule. We didn’t buy it then. 

me and mum go off for coffee and visit some more stores, pick up a cool shirt from a charity shop for pittance that mums fine with either wearing or me stealing, to try and take off the pressure that I’m buying girly things for me. what a hangup guys truly a functional human being right here. 

Then we go makeup. !! nice. we were perusing foundation to hide the hated facial hair, and I was not a mess and holding up really well, but I wasn’t really prepared for human interaction about this thing I’m super super cagey and sensitive about. mum offers to ask for help looking for foundation instead of me. In order for me to get to a comfortable place to say things I have to shut things down, ((I’ll make a mental post about that after this.)) so I say ok.  she fucks it up as bad as I was fearing I would. like, her voice hitches like shes going to cry. she couldn’t say daughter, because I am still cagey and presenting as male as its easier and avoids pain. She couldn’t say trans because she thinks it might be offensive. (I don’t say trans either and I don’t know why.) so I take over super cool, “hi I need foundation to try and cover some of this” *gestures to face*. my hair is super dark. I always have shadow. The two ways of getting rid of shadow is to rip all the hairs out with tweezers, which gets me ingrowns and pain and removes many hours, or shaving so harshly to take the top several layers of skin. we got some foundation for me to try, and some eyeliner because why not. forgot other things like mascara and stuff. the foundation sort-of hides the shadow, but the other things the helper lady tried didn’t work either.

mixed results from the eyeliner. To start with I was nervous with poking eyes. stab. after that tho I did it good, much better than I was expecting my first try to be. (one green one charcoal) it made such a difference, face looks much more feminine. real nice. However when I saw it just now, 8 hours after I put it on in the dark with ill-formed hair, I was offended. I looked like a bad caricature. D:

oh I wore a pretty purple scarf all day and spoke with mum at length about stuff. lots of stuff I have no memory of, I’m pretty sure at least some of it was important tho, and will help her relate.

This got long, adding readmore. can’t remember why I decided to type this up. Progress? I’ll add the nonsense tag so I can find it later. fuckin stressful as fuck. ((I really really like to swear but I get that a lot of people don’t like swearing. I’ve used non swear words and people get offended by the tone. I do try not to nowadays))

I just remembered. the prompt was coz I remembered about that pretty top. As we were walking back to the car I reminded mum about the top, as I kinda wanted to buy it, but also FEAR. so in the end I said “lets just go and I’ll regret about it later.”

and I was right, I kinda regret it but I also completely understand why I did what I did and can’t really curse myself out on this one.

MANHATTAN MADNESS by Chili Peeler

Chapter 8

Julie sat up and reached behind her, unfastening her now unnecessary top. She pulled the leather straps off her shoulders and peeled the top off her body. Her fresh-fucked silicone breasts barely sagged as she threw the top on the floor. "Fuck, I love your body," Jim said as she lay on her side by him, "Did you ever dance like Beth?" Julie laughed, "No." Then continued, "That was never an option for me." Her hand dipped down between his splayed legs and began stroking his deflated balls. "I prefer being in the background, pulling the strings." Jim turned his body so he was on his side facing her and let his right hand begin massaging the underside of her breasts, enjoying the firm heavy weight of her fake tits. "Why are we doing this tonight?" Jim asked, sincerely curious, "I mean.. is it because I'm Beth's brother."

"Now why would you think that?" Julie said, that wicked smile beginning to creep back onto her face. "I sort of get the idea that would be something you'd go for...I should be off limits since Beth is your...girlfriend....but I think you like wild stuff like that." "I'll admit that that was part of it." Julie conceded as her hand squeezed his nut sack lovingly. "I also can't resist young men; you're always so hard and eager to please....but, I could ask you the same question. You knew Beth and I are lovers and it didn't stop you." Julie had a point there. Here he had gone a slept with his sister's lover and a portion of his attraction was probably found there. It was a real turn-on in fact, sharing Julie with Beth. Still he didn't want Beth to find out; it might ruin her thing with Julie. "I hope we can keep this to ourselves," Jim confessed, "I'd hate myself if Beth found out and it caused any problems between you two." "Our secret is safe with me...you know, if you want to fuck me, we better stop talking and get down to business." Just like that, Julie slipped back into her temptress voice as her hand slid up along the bottom of his half-hard dick. "Oh, man, am I going to fuck you!" Jim chortled, "Just get me hard and get those pants off." "First things first...I've got your cum on my chest...I'd really like it if you'd rub it into my tits." With pleasure!" Jim moved his fingers up into a puddle of his juices and then went to work smearing her left nipple with it. Encouraged by the way her hand began beating his rising member, he was soon using his entire palm to knead and rub his spunk on both her tits. Julie was loving it, too. "Mmmmmm, feel how hard my nipples are!" "I can't believe how small they are," Jim confessed. Julie must have had a pretty small pair of tits before her surgery. "Suck on 'em!" Julie sighed as her she arched her back, lifting her left melon-like mammary toward his lips. Jim lowered his face and took her pencil-thick nubbin into his mouth and began swirling his tongue against its stiff rubbery stalk. Julie began almost immediately to vocalize her pleasure, "Oh, that's it, stud!...Mmmmm....oh, you hot fucker.....lick your cum off my nipple." Jim almost pulled his mouth away; he hadn't been thinking about that since he'd rubbed it into her skin but that salty taste wasn't all sweat. He was tasting his own cum. Back in Nebraska, that would be homo activity so he had some natural ingrown trepidation. But it was turning Julie on, so he forged ahead. He let his hand start sliding down between their prone bodies, down her stomach and under the top band of her short skirt and the tight pants underneath. He wanted to diddle Julie's puss before he peeled her pants off and dropped between her thighs....... In a flash, Julie's hand was off his dick and pushing his hand away. Surprised by another denial of entry into her holy of holies, he raised his mouth from her succulent teat and leaned away from her. "What now?!" he asked, breathing hard. "If I'm gonna fuck you, I should be able to finger you." "Oh, you poor boy....I must have given you the wrong idea." She leaned toward him and kissed his chest, then continued rolling onto her stomach. "Did you think you were going to get my pussy?" "Christ, you said you wanted me to fuck you!" Jim said exasperatedly. "I do want you to fuck me," Julie assured him, "just not where you had in mind......I want you to fuck my asshole!" Her eyes danced with a wicked mischief as she knew the proposal would be unexpected. "Holy....are you serious?" Jim asked excitedly. He'd seen a girl in those blue films take on two guys at once, one of them taking her up the ass, but he'd never dreamed he'd be in bed with a woman that wanted it there. Of course, Julie was just the kind of woman that would - no sexual hang-ups at all. "Pull off my skirt and you'll see just how serious I am." Jim did just that. He moved onto his knees, straddling the

back of her knees and pulled down on the skirt to reveal an oval-shaped slit in the bottom of her tight leather pants. Julie's voluptuous ass filled the pants so completely that the slit was naturally spread wide, revealing the deep cleft in her buttocks. Julie's leather-strapped top had been made to accentuate titfucking and her pants were made for backdoor sex and backdoor sex only. The slit did not dip low enough that Jim could get any view of her pussy; Julie's stinginess even went that far. "Niiiiiiiiiiice," Jim said as his hands began to stroke her ample ass; he loved the contrast of the soft leather and the even softer skin of Julie's asscheeks. He'd always gone for girls with small, tight butts; school cheerleaders or even cruising some sophomores. But Julie's ass was....substantial. That was probably the best word to describe it. It was a full-grown woman's ass.....and she wanted it fucked! Julie twisted her upper body to look back at him over her left shoulder. Her left hand came back and pulled her ass open. Jim found himself looking at her sweaty, lightly-haired asshole. The dimpled area surrounding it was darker in color and striated. "Finger it...go ahead, it won't bite you!" she prompted him. Jim used his right hand to pull her right cheek apart and he slid his left index finger down onto her puckered opening. He ran his fingertip around her hot, damp entrance a few times and Julie hunched her hips back at him to spur him to investigate further. Slowly he stuck his finger against her sphincter and it slid through her elastic barrier. "Yeah, stick it up there," Julie hotly demanded. "Mmmm, I like that." Jim was amazed at the heat that surrounded his probing digit; it felt like it had been inserted in an oven on low heat. It didn't feel particularly tight around his single finger except at her sphincter where it gripped his knuckle. Experimentally he began thrusting his finger in and out, watching it draw out her moist butthole slightly before it slid down his finger. He wondered if he'd be able to get all of his cock up her ass; Julie was large in stature, so his money was on her. There was no time like the present to find out. "Ready for some cock up your ass?!" Jim put on a confident tone as he looked up at Julie's watching face. He knew she'd liked hot talk and he wanted to show her that he was eager to try it. "Always," Julie said sexily, "Pull my skirt all the way off." Jim did so and as soon as he cast it on the floor, Julie grabbed a pillow and slid it under her hips, raising her derierre slightly as she spread her legs wider on the bed. Jim kneeled now inside her legs instead of straddling them. "Now, before you go plunging in there, I want you to use some spit to get your knob slick. The rest should go in without much trouble," she promised. Jim spat several times into his hand and rubbed the slippery wetness all over the flared head of his renewed erection. He scooted forward until his knees were against the inside of her thighs. That was Julie's signal to lower her chest onto the bed, reach around with both hands and pull her cheeks wide for him. "Man, I wish I had a camera," Jim told Julie as he leaned over her stretched out frame, supporting himself with his left arm as his right hand guided his glistening dickhead down into her asscrack. It really was an erotic sight - this lovely goddess holding her ass open for him, inviting him to sample yet another new sexual activity. She was being a great tour guide; it appeared she liked everything under the sun except straight sex. He ran his dick cap slowly down her crack until it fed into the deep indentation of her asshole. He pressed downward and had no success at first. "Shove it a little harder," Julie encouraged. "Get the head in and we're home free, baby." Nervously, Jim hunched forward, then tried even harder. All at once his cock helmet disappeared through her tight sphincter ring. "Oh, God, that's tight!" Jim gasp. Her sphincter

squeezed his shaft just behind his buried knob like a vise. "It'll loosen, baby, just let it sit for a minute....don't tell me you never had to let a girl adjust to your big dick?......I've bet you've stretched out quite a few teenyboppers back in Nebraska!.......feel it, it's not so tight now, is it?" "No, that feels a lot better," Jim had to admit. The muscle ring had loosened to the point that it was still tight but not so tight that it hurt. Julie released her ass, brought her arms back up under her body and raised herself up on her elbows. She whipped her long black hair to the side with one of her sexy head tosses and twisted her upper body to look back at their union. "Ooh, look at that big fucker sticking in my ass!" she said like a X- rated porn star, "Okay, give me the rest!" Jim kissed her shoulder, then moved his mouth to nibble her earlobe. He slowly began pushing his hard dick down into her musky hole, leaning further over her to get the right angle instinctively. "Oh, yeah!...God, shove it in, baby! Aaaaah...mmmmmm.....open my ass right up, lover!" Julie throatily whispered, her mouth so close to his own ear. Her ass felt like a hot, tight, oily glove; it seemingly sucked him inward until the top of his hand, which clenched the base of his half- buried prong, pressed into her soft ass cheeks. He took his hand away, sliding it under her stomach as he worked another inch into her gorgeous rear. "Fuck, this is wild!" Jim groaned as he moved his mouth forward along her jaw line, until his lips were on the side of her mouth and her tongue was coming out to greet him. Their kiss was awkward due to the way her body was twisted but her heat was transmitted. She was getting really turned on now, there was no faking going on. Like an excited, anxious stallion, Jim lunged forward and the final two inches of his throbbing cock pushed into Julie's seemingly bottomless shithole. The front of his hips and dangling nuts lay on her slightly trembling, leather-covered ass. She moaned into his mouth, the vibrations coursing through her captured tongue. After another moment, their lips parted with a wet smacking sound and it was Julie's panting voice that filled the still bedroom. "God, I love it!....I love getting fucked up the ass....come on, do it, Jim!" "Okay, okay," Jim rasped and he dragged several inches of cock out of her hot depths and then sank it back in. "Oh, man, I could get used to this! Shit, I can feel your muscles squeezing me. Are you doing that on purpose?" "Mmm hmm," she sighed as he began fucking her ass. "Feel this?" "Aaaah, Christ!" Jim grunted as her shitter tightened up, then relaxed again. He took the opportunity to begin screwing her butthole faster, enjoying the series of sexy clenchings that Julie began with her tail muscles. "That's the way to fuck that ass!...aaahh....aahhh....Fuck it, you horny bastard.....oh, yeah, uunnhuhhh...mmmmmm!" Julie was using her voice like she was using her inner muscles. Jim attacked her ear with his tongue, worming it in there, knowing that he loved it when a girl did that. Julie sighed and then shook her head to make him stop. Either it was too sexy or she was ticklish. Undaunted, his right hand slid up the front of her body and began groping her fabulous tits, the tits he'd fucked about fifteen minutes ago. His fingers slid into the bottom of her cleavage and he could feel some of his spunk hiding in there. "Found some..of my jizz between..your tits." Jim said into her ear as he continued plunging her upthrust ass. She gave an excited squeal but he wasn't sure whether it was due to his discovery or to a hard thrust he delivered to her immediately after. Then he felt her hand move over his and she drew his hand up to her face and began sucking on his fingers, nursing on them like they would spurt more cum than what she could taste on his fingers. Jim was glad he'd come once already because Julie's erotic finger sucking and her hot asshole taking

his hard dick would have made them blow his load. As it was, he felt good, felt strong. He began pumping her anal chute strongly. "Stuff my ass with cock!" Julie blurted as she drew his fingers from her mouth, "Fuck it.....oh YEEAAHH.....just like that, just like that, stud! ...God, I'm gonna come big time....." That's just what Jim wanted to hear; he wanted to get Julie off good. He wanted her to want him. He wanted to fuck her again and again while he was in New York, before he went back to the boring farm. They continued their anal ballet for another ten minutes before Julie finally got her rocks off. Julie had begun grinding her hips into the pillow that she lay on and throwing her ass up to meet his descending rod. Jim slowed his thrusts, wanting to catch his breath, and Julie just went on fucking herself on his near stationary prick. During the course of their lovemaking, Julie had moved her legs nearly together and Jim had moved his knees to straddle her thighs. Now he leaned back on his knees, letting his hands grip her straining waist as he looked down to watch her stuff her asshole again and again with his still member. She did that for about 30 seconds and then became flustrated. "Please, God, fuck me...fuck my ass hard!" Julie commanded as she swept her left hand back to grip his ass. There was an urgency in her voice and he knew she must be near her orgasm. "I will!...take it, Julie...ah, shit......fuck that ass up at me!" Jim said, getting caught up in her dirty language as he slid his hands up to grip her shoulders and began throwing his thick prick into her squirming butt with wild abandon. "OOOH....AAAHHH.....MMMMMMMMMMAAAAHHHHHH!" Julie's ass began jerking and her asshole clamped down hard on his flashing manhood. His sister's lover was getting off from his energetic ass fuck! He felt his own peak racing toward him then. Her tight, spasming rectum was begging for his own explosion. He gritted his teeth as he tried to delay it..he'd had the hottest sex of his life that evening and he didn't want it to end... he wanted to remember every detail....her tits wrapped around his dick....his cum splashing onto her neck.....her hot butt milking his ready-to-blow joystick. "UUUUUUUUUNNGGHHHH!" he bellowed as he slammed his cock deep one last time in Julie's undulating tush and began firing his second cumload of the night, "UUUNNGGH...UNNGGH....OOH, FUCCCKKK!" His dick twitched and jerked in her nasty hole as Julie purred in delight. "Mmmmm, I can feel your cum," Julie reported to her sweating teen lover as her ass muscles, back under her control after her orgasm, worked to drain every last drop of love from his deflating cockshaft. Finally both became still and Jim began massaging her back as she slumped forward on the bed. "You got off, right?" Jim asked. "Sure did," Julie said dreamily. "You were great...but I think you ought to get out of here now. Liz might be here soon." Jim looked at the clock and decided she was right. He could probably get it up again but it wasn't worth the risk of discovery. He pulled his prick from Julie's stretched out asshole and sat beside her. She made no move to get up, so he kissed the side of her face and got off the bed. "Hey," he heard her say and turned back to her. She had raised herself back up on her elbows. "I've got something planned for you tomorrow, stud...if you're interested?" "You know I am." "Good." she said, her voice full of the promise of more delightful sin. Jim went to bed that night like it was Christmas Eve.