Hyrule is tired of the vets pining bullshit. Legend is tired of Hyrule in general. Wild just finds this all amusing, mostly, except when he's terrified.

LU-Tober Day 7

'Just Kiss Already' Prompt from a friend cause they think they're funny

I had a different plan for today but I ended up spending 6 hours painting a wall, so change of plans bc I needed to get this out quick and didn't have time.

Its not my fav piece or concept, but I also say that about half of my art pieces so-

Anyway, bird bois cause I think its cool and also they're my new go to when I just need to scribble a bit :>

booie🥺i'm sorry if this is random and u don't have time for it, no worries!!! but y'know what i'm always thinking abt???

your fic, "in every lifetime" GOD, IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES EVER, but i've always been on the edge of my seat when it comes to villain bakugo showing up at the end. did you have any thoughts on what his life is like with you in another reality? I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED IF YOU HAVE BABIES WITH HIM TOO??? and if it's hard bc he's a villain

(i've always imagined that seeing you in another reality makes villain bakugo wanna get better for u and his daughter in his own reality, bUT THAT'S JUST ME!!) what are your thoughts??? only if you want to explore, ofc!! 🩵🩵🩵

i love u berry much in general!

CAITIEEEE MY BELOVED :D 💜💜

omg thank you so much!!!!! I always beat myself up over that fic bc I was literally like 85% done with it when I thought about villain bakugou and was like. ITS TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW cause that would’ve added another 3-5k words aksjdkd

but I’ve never thought about his life with you much???? but I do believe that once he comes in and gets acclimated with the others, he becomes the odd one out, instead of your Katsuki even tho you guys don’t even have kids yet!!!!

but it’s bc villain bkg does have a daughter (just one which already earns him a few scoffs) but he doesn’t….have her as much as the others do. his entire life isn’t revolved around her, he doesn’t take her hunting or show her how the world works. he doesn’t smother you in affection back home (mainly bc you won’t let him anymore) and he just becomes so isolated from the others in that sense.

but when he goes back home to his own universe, he’s a little different. he was hesitant to see his daughter often, didn’t want her to look at him in disgust and horror when he picks her up with his bionic arm, even tho the cold metal is all she’s ever known from him. he’s scared that she’ll be scared of him, that she’ll recognize his destruction on the news when she looks at him for too long. that she’ll run away in terror if he were to smile at her.

he comes over to your house the night he returns. asks if he can see her, even though its past midnight, but you let him in anyway. watch how he stands at her doorway, the soft kiss he presses to her forehead. he sits on your couch in silence for the longest moment before he speaks, his voice quiet, whispering that he wants to be there. that he wants to do better and be better. that he can’t be both a shit person and a shit father.

you give him the benefit of the doubt, but you do start to see improvements in him. he drops off her favorite snacks more, and takes her to secluded parks where he won’t be recognized. he buys her too much ice cream, but it’s only a weak apology for not being there for her beforehand. he doesn’t cause as much destruction in the city anymore, too preoccupied with showing up to parent teacher conferences, ready to cuss out her teacher for giving his baby a 92 instead of the 100 she deserved.

I think bc of his competitive nature, and especially the way the other Bakugou’s damn near cussed him out for being an absent parent and how he must be a defective version of them because none of them are this shitty—that he changes, just a little. it’s not drastic and it’s not overnight, but he realizes that he has to be better. if not for himself, than for his daughter and maybe—maybe a little bit for you too.

some thoughts abt aesthetics, the way people engage with my art so far and also stuff youll be seeing from me in the next year..

first off i wanna say im not actually educated on any of this and its all just coming from personal experience/ its kind of just a mad mans rambling

im the kind of person who is always curating, always putting like with like (on a consistently changing/personal/almost random metric that spans like any kind of media , things tangible and abstract, my memories, yadda yadda (everyone does this to some degree but as an artist and an introspective person, i find it hard to just let stuff go once i form a connection. (and im sure a lot of u guys reading this are like this too, tumblr is like The website for people like this) im hyper aware of everything that ever happens to me and im always trying to connect everything with everything else

(forgive me too in advance cause ive never been satisfied with my ability to explain myself and usually i just let everything i do speak for itself/dont bother trying. im really really visual and i usually think of things In pictures too so it just frustrates me to try and describe something thats worth a thousand words..

jewelry came pretty quickly to me as a favorite art form because its a way to convey some of what goes on in my head when i engage with the media i like , being able to turn all these pretty abstract feelings into colors shapes symbols.. a lot of times when i listen to something or watch something, i get almost itchy with the feeling of needing to get the way i percieved it out into the world in a visual and tangible way asap before it loses its original shape or before i forget how it made me feel. (dementia runs in my family so a lot of my art is trying to archive my feelings since i know i wont have them forever.. its almost a frantic need to be seen/known by others before its too late.

a lot of the jewelry ive custom made for people has been specifically music and film related, and thats been a great thing because i can both 1) make something that satisfies my own vision of the thing but 2) it is still easily readable by others as related 2 the source material because the design language usually is distinct enough to withstand being skewed too much by my own personal associations

moving forward tho, i have a TON of ideas for way more personal/abstract/highly conceptual projects, and have been slowly gathering pieces so that i can do full justice to my vision for them.

doing this has first and foremost always been an art form/way to express myself . i do it because of the ideas, i do it because i have to do it, and then im left with a bunch of stuff that i would like way more to be in the hands of someone who relates to it. and, i do it in a way thats not at all good for being a business owner. if i'm going to create a product, i would be going against my ideals if i didnt try to battle with all the things i hate about products. fast fashion and aliexpress craft supplies and mass production.. (to have a successful business you need a lot of the same product, it needs to be easy to make and you need to be able to get your materials cheap. all of which i can't and wouldn't do, so it's a very shit thing to attempt to make a living off of..

maybe this sounds a little funny too when you look at my work and then at what i have to say about it.that i think about it so seriously since it's something any one can do. my kid sister makes jewelry, it's a pretty accesible hobby. the idea of making jewelry based off of media is also the furthest thing from unique, which brings me thinking about the reception of my art online so far, and some weird stuff i've noticed.

when you're making anything that you mention is directly "inspired by" something else, you run into some pretty weird habits from others online, and a kind of unique way of engaging with "aesthetics" thats started in the past couple years. what im talking about now is less movies/music. its stuff that blurs the line between an existing body of work to reference and just a concept. ( y2k, fill in the blank-core, frutiger metro/aero).. i'm really into most eras of these fashion / design trends/aesthetics in a historian/archivist kind of way, and i really enjoy to do work inspired by things like this, but these are always way more personally influenced than anything made for a movie/music. i went semi-viral (feels so dumb to say seriously lol) on tiktok for a frutiger metro/sleepyhead by passion pit inspired bracelet.

i get hate on most posts on tiktok since its a gigantic platform(as well as praise) but the majority of comments always tend to be people correcting the authenticity to the aesthetic ive listed as an inspiration. people way smarter than me have way better things to say on this, and if i tried to go too into detail with it this post would be even crazy longer, but ive seen people call it "what aesthetic is this" culture, (some examples of this: " "this aesthetic is called this, not that" "this aesthetic is from this time frame only" xyz

i never know what to do, because i want to respond by explaining that i see these aesthetic names/labeling system solely as a tool. to help people find and connect like with like. labeling aesthetics is just recognizing a pattern. knowing the "name" of an aesthetic can help you find similar things, but there are no set time periods to any of this unless you are specifically making something that is an exact recreation of something else or making a period piece. everything comes back in some way over and over again. rigidly defining aesthetics is flawed/missing the point because aesthetics are completely individual/unmeasurable/skewed by experiences/memories/opinions. its a little different too when it comes to stuff thats actually like made For marketing cause that Will have an exact language that goes with it or whatever, but most of the time i see people arguing about an aesthetic thats not even applicable. there are genuinely no rules to what fits an aesthetic because anything you create, you add your own experiences to and are effectively continuing these patterns in a new way/ sometimes creating a whole new movement or sub category if you are really into labeling it as something directly. peoples personal art is definitely affected by their time/whatever the common design language was at the time, so thats where a lot of the names get born, but when you make it this rigid thing , "this needs to be more like this.. this needs to be more like that.." you'd be right- but only in the sense that yes, it IS that way, For You. in your mind you experience it that way, it is your personal relation to seeing these patterns. and you can use these aesthetic tools to expand on what was done before you, you can use these images to convey your own perspective so that i can try to understand it.

marketing vs personal aesthetics is a different thing that idk how to tackle with my like super limited language but for example, when someone is using a popular aesthetic to sell you something, you can tell. it's shallow and impersonal. looking back on ads that are dated and use a certain aesthetic usually tinges them with nostalgia that you can take and make into something that it wasn't because you have this priceless new angle to look at it with. if you believe in aesthetics as being this rigid thing, you dont get new ideas, you dont get new sub aesthetics, you dont get new movements, you get a copy of a copy, you get shein clothes. and! anyone can call anything they want an "aesthetic" ..any collection of things together influenced by anything in the world can be an entirely new aesthetic.. and im so sick of typing the word aesthetic

but i know that if theyre commenting something like this, they r so fundamentally different from me/ engage with the world in such a different way then i do that it would be a waste of time to try to explain..

i am a little scared when i launch some of the new projects i've been working on they'll be met with this kind of reaction. maybe ill try to write some kind of TLDR, some kind of zine to send along with any of my bracelets, some kind of manifesto about sustainability/personalization/mindful consumpution.. but it takes a long time for me to feel good about explaining myself, even this post ive deleted and restarted countless times.

ill post some more about some of the "aesthetics " (i gotta figure out better language for this shit i swear to god) ive found inspiring that have heavily influenced these upcoming projects, as well as scans from books ive collected that match the design language and i definitely want to release kind of a companion zine with the collections that include music/fashion/home photos etc...

if u have any thoughts or anything about any of this id love to hear it, or answer questions or expand on shit, this is kind of just like a word version of me throwing mac and cheese up at the ceiling and seeing if anything sticks.

thanks to anyone whos said anything nice about my stuff, i love u guys more than lyfe

and if you read all of this youre a g

💚

Hey…as someone who has been in a similar position I truly believe you have to give it time and sad to say…cease contact for while. I know dude…it seems impossible it seems scary probably gut wrenching, but your health comes first. If you’re worried about time honestly fuck time. Everyone heals in their own way not everyone bounces back immediately. Not everyone handles situations the same and that’s okay.

You don’t even have to go cold turkey on communication. I always say to myself work with the issues instead of against it. Slowly kind of weening off also is a valid option.

I know the fact that it feels like it’s hurting you more than him and yeah that shit stings man. But again you have to take care of yourself. Even if you’re shitting crying and shaking it will become more bearable. Yes you will have these days and again THATS OKAY!! Regressing is part of the process of healing just try your hardest not to dwell and stay active.

It took me almost a year or two to get over that bond I had with my ex, attachment as well. Even though the thought of him moving on still kinda makes me feel a way, but I’ve realized it’s more so I’m afraid of being left behind stuck in the same place while possibly he flourishes in life. There are differences in our situation so I can only speak so much, but a lot of what you’re going through emotionally wise I get it man.

Like rn it’s hard for me to be social and have relationships with people because I’m scared honestly lol. Even platonically. At this point, I’m just taking this time to get to know myself and pay more attention to my hobbies. I’m also trying to force myself to do more things alone and volunteer places like community gardens and pantries. I’m not even there to make connection with people. if I do, cool, but It’s more so exposure therapy for me lol.

You got this man. Always give yourself, patience, grace and kindness. That’s my mantra lately lol.

I know I’m just a stranger but I do care. I don’t ever want anyone to feel this way.

Stay well and busy chief 🫡

Not talking to him at all has been difficult and I haven't managed to do it except for one day so far. I've been going up and down so much and just cannot accept that it's over. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I never thought we would ever break up so it's fucking hard. I do worry if I dont give him space and stop messaging that I'm going to push him away tho. The only way to stop that from happening is to focus on me which I'm trying so so hard to do, but none of it seems worth it which I've said before. I feel stupid cause I've said all of this before and I can't stop going on a loop at this point.

I appreciate the message and I will try and keep it in mind. I know I'll move on eventually but right now it's not what i want. All I think about is mending it and being with him again but I think its hurting me more than I'd like to admit. No matter how many times people and family tell me I need to accept it I just can't. And I know it takes effort to focus on the good and time and space to make it happen but I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I have no friends to hang out with to take my mind off it, no job to go to every day, and as much as I'd like to get a job I have struggled so hard with my anxiety it just seems impossible. Anyway thank you again I appreciate it♡♡

Tagged by @watercolor-hearts, I'm actually surprised someone remembers my @ to tag me in these! quite heartwarming tbh, thank you lovely, hope you have a nice day/evening/morning 🤗💙

Name: my true name starts with a. m. but since i'm a person on the verge of mixing reality w/ virtual i rather be just called goggles lmao (not to be too vague, my second one is miguel, a quite common latino name, but the first one is quite unusual and it feels too real to be called like that so im hiding it lol)

Sign: Leo (i copied from the op who tagged me and yes this is my sign as well)

Time: 19:16 (i definetely spent too much time elaborating and correcting my own answers lmao)

Favourite band/artist: the short version or the long one? cause honestly im kind of into music as a whole, but to select just a few, i'd say Fiona Apple, Joanna Newsom, Beyoncé and Björk. yep, all ladies, dont ask me why but i just connect with female vocalists more

Last movie: ooh.. this one is quite been some time actually... i think it was Knives Out: Glass Onion! just a little bit of silly fun entertainment and cause i was honestly curious cause i liked watching the 1st knives out.

Last show: Drive to survive 🤷‍♂️ im not a very series person tbh (even dts i only watched the eps i actually was curious about lmao)

When I created this blog: this kind of has 2 answers idk. because this used to be a ziam - yes you read that right - a ziam blog lmao but i didnt put much thought into it tho. then i just stopped using for years, and i just came 2 months ago back to delete it and replace with this actual blog cause i discovered the charlos side of tumblr and wanted to interact w the blogs i discoveeed, reblog and all that jazz.

Other blogs: other than the one i deleted, no, i just have this active blog.

Do I get asks: no i turned them off lol but i dont mind actually i get kind of peaceful thinking im just a dot in this vast virtual world of internet, at least here

Followers: 125 accs (i guess, i dont check bots but i dont think there are too much of them)

Average hours of sleep: i guess it varies on 6-8? there are days a sleep a little bit later but tbh i dont keep track of these lol but i can tell i've been pretty okay with my schedule lately, at least my insomnia stopped

Instruments: nope. i have a shitty keyboard but i just gave up on learning, but i do plan on trying again, just dont know when

What I am wearing: green shorts and an ugly printed but comfortable t shirt

Dream job: i mean, it says dream job... so i might go full in... singer/songwriter 🤓

Dream trip: actually i'm not really obsessed about trips anymore... but if i had to pick one i'm just saying Madrid cause its where carlos jr was born 🤓 (i still want to go there and investigate in person to find his official time of birth btw, so yep im picking madrid)

Favorite song atm: i have a lot of songs being my faves simultaneously and it changes fast depending on the moments/moods but im going with In California by Joanna Newsom cause the chorus when she sings "cuckoo cuckoo" its freaking amazing tbh. for my more upbeat side tho i'm picking Those Eyes, That Mouth by cocteau twins.

Tagging:@leclercsbf and @leoramage (tagging you two cause you were the ones to start a conversation w me so i think it wouldn't be too awkward lol but hey, feel free to ignore if you dont want to or dont like these, no hard feelings, were just dots in a virtual space)

(ps: i was actually very defensive about these kind of posts but i tried this one for fun and hey it is fun! it was kind of cool to talk about myself freely without my face or name plastered on it so thanks for that, person who tagged me)

this mf long so don't tell me i didn't warn u

been in a rut for over a year

something something autistic burnout

idk the cause or the solution

just trying to survive each day as best i can

easier said than done when everything that brings me joy (ha) is behind a pay wall

that's capitalism baby~

found out fauna is going to the only anime convention i can attend on a reasonable budget.... but im already so broke....

I'd shell out the cash (debt) if it meant guaranteeing a spot at the meet and greet but they might not release info until too late when plane tickets are unaffordable ;_;

i wanna look forward to something because sustaining my sanity on retail therapy and getting high definitely is losing its effectiveness

brain always returns to the loneliness. i know its crippling but how much of my struggle is from that and how much is from my disability... they're both invisible which makes it hard to tell

would having a partner help that much? my gut tells me yes since ill have motivation to live if i have someone to share existence with but that feels like putting all my eggs in one basket and setting myself up for an unhealthy relationship

i like to think i won't fall down that path of toxic codependency like i have in the past tho im not crazy confident based on my track record

Which reminds me I've realized how appealing polyamory sounds to me but I'm terrible in groups I feel like I'd be overwhelmed with more than 3 (including myself) tho who knows what can happen

REGARDLESS i guess i gotta talk to people and make friends since i am incapable of socializing with the intention of dating (trust issues yippee)

i wish i had a crush at the very least. i bring this up often but i fucking miss the feeling of legitimate interest and attraction towards someone

How do I meet someone, become comfortable enough with them, and ultimately find a partnership that satisfies my insane desires???? maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse? Tackling too much at once? Something like that...

Imma be real the only reason I'm active on here is another mechanism to cope with this loneliness (akin to listening to asmr for instant happy brain juice + with the added benefit of "putting myself out there")

My strange fantasy that I'll meet people on here like I did years ago and magically hit it off

AAAAAAUGGHHHHH how did I do it back then it seemed so easy what happened to my social skills (trauma, probably)

How is it I work 2 days a week and am still drained constantly? when will I be free from sleepy bitch syndrome? it's like I've been running on fumes for the past year WHEN WILL I HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE AGAIN

i miss having someone to talk to frequently about everything

i have my besties but unfortunately knowing there's no sexual or romantic attraction there makes it hard for me to get past these barriers?? Is that weird? I wanna be able to be intimate with someone and close but for me that's intrinsically tied to sex and romance. I'm overflowing with platonic friendships to the point where I had to cut off a bunch and leave many people I care about hanging because I simply have no energy to exist anymore

I've been doing my best each day but it only gets harder

The only thing I have energy for is getting high and living inside the fantasies my brain can muster as a means to cope with how lonely I am

I dream of being hugged, of someone touching me, of being accepted for all my flaws and reassured that my existence isn't shameful. I live for the day these might become reality

Since as long far back as highschool I've yearned for intimacy

Physical intimacy specifically since the most I've done is hold hands and lil cute things like that I CRAVE SKINSHIP UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE

Anyway if anybody made it this far hi feel free to confess ur undying love 2 me

Today, I let myself be a bit nerdy and fan-ish and listened to the ep of David Tennant's podcast that he did with Jodie Whittaker just as like, a bit of background noise and cuz I thought they'd be a fun duo (they are).

I was not! expecting to get about 10 minutes in before I had to sit on the floor and Cry a bit because Jodie casually shattered my heart into a million pieces. Not because what she said was sad itself, but it made me realize what I've been doing and the root behind something that's been sitting on my soul for the past couple of years.

I'll give you the cliff notes, cuz leading up to the sentence is like 3 different anecdotes (which is a Mood). but basically, in specific regard to persuing acting but applicable to really anything, not having some backup plan. That you are a cat with 9 lives and you should put everything into that "first life" and go after it while youre energetic and willing. If it fails- well then you tried and you've experienced something but its not the end of the world and can go off and try again with the next "life".

It was just so astounding to me! Its such a simple concept and one I've heard put in similar ways to me when I was applying for acting programs as a highschooler, but the difference is the belief and the kind of cavalier nature of it. Actors will always say "if you can imagine doing anything else go do that". Even when they're telling you it's all or nothing, they're actively trying to psych you out, or act like your world will end. And as the shakey ass, mentally ill teenager I was faltered and got so afraid. But never because I was scared of never working or it not panning out, but just so ashamed of myself- that the Thing that's Missing In Me was the cause of doubt in everyones tone. Was why all the support in my life had that deep under current of "run for the hills, get out while you can".

And so I did. I flaked out on all my acting auditions, broke down in tears infront of my voice teacher and ghosted her, never saw my acting coach again and I switched gears completely to go into costuming. Which, I should say, I do love. Its a genuine passion and anyone whos talked to me- and especially anyone who's seen me in my day to day know that I am a certified Clotheswhore™️. But also I'd go into tech on shows and get so envious, it'd bring me to tears. I'd sob through any show and just listening to cast recordings would put me in such a deep depression. I would day dream about being on the otherside of my fittings, about being the kind of actor that my friends and I thought were the "Good Ones". As much as I loved what I was doing, I was always dreaming of something else.

I think the fact that I loved it so much helped me forget that it wasn't really what I wanted, though. I said to a friend like a week ago! that I had stopped listening to show tunes because it depressed me. Which is just? so sad? I have boxes of playbills that I've collected and gotten signed and going to the theater was something I adored. I made so many friends because I was Such An Annoying Theater Kid on both here and twitter and I think that kid would be so mortified that this thing that I still love brings me such pain right now.

This is kind of a shitty revelation to be having right now tho, because I actually still have a semester left of my degree and school is already hard enough before I'd come to realization that I'm only here in this program because I severely hate myself and was too afraid to do what I actually wanted. It was so heartbreaking to me, because I had this immediate wash of "What have I done? Have I made a horrible mistake? is it all too late, did I squander my time?" Theres something to be said about classical education or just any acting education. Most everything I know is my own personal snobbery and Autistic Affliction, but I dont know what thats worth in reality.

A Lot of this can be summed up in "20 smth feels like life is over if you dont have it figured out by graduation" and ik that's silly and untrue at heart. But I felt it then at 15 the way I do now at 21- That theater is a true love of my life and that I've been in a kind of agony being away from it that I wasnt prepared for.

I dooon't know what that means or what that says about me or even what the fuck to do with this information now that its been beat across my head. The self hate is still there. I still feel a burning shame whenever I become aware of how honest I'm being about myself where other people can see. But I think I'll die unhappy if I never tried. I don't want it to be a casual thing because its never been a casual love for me. I could be so happy sewing in my freetime or only doing it as something to keep bills paid but I would want acting to consume my life. I want to take it seriously and squander all other prospects to keep fueling it.

So ive done some thinking about ADHD

And ik this isn't a diagnostic trait

But I've heard lots of psychologists and psychiatrists and even diagnosed people, mention how adhd people keep on making the same mistakes over and over again cuz they "forget" the outcome that they've witnessed every single time

At first when i started wondering whether i had ADHD or not, that didnt sound like me. Im an anxious person, I triple check whatever I'm gonna do before I do it . Odering food online?? I reread the ingredients and the order 4 times before pressing order. Going to use the bus? I check the time schedule over and over even tho ik i cant have seen the wrong timethe 5 times i checked and rechecked it. So basically I usually leave no room for myself to make mistakes and If i make one I take it hard and never ever make it...

Or so i thought.

The respective mistakes that I make dont affect others. Thats the difference. No one else can spot them other than me. Cuz they don't change anyone's day, mood etc

I think that some subtle mistakes that people with adhd could be repeating are:

Sleeping. Every single day, I promise myself to sleep early to atleast get 8 hours of sleep. And every single night I forget my promise and I just end up finding myself thrown in a crazy rabbit hole in the midst of the night and going to sleep real late and getting barely 5 hours of sleep. Do i understand that its a mistake? Yeah. But do I at the moment forget the outcome? Also yeah.

Doing chores such as laundry, the dishes etc. These tasks are the hell of a neurodivergent person whether its due to a sensory issue, procrastination, the task being too boring? Who knows depends on the person. Often times i find my laundry and dishes piling up and i find myself scared of begining. I make excuses, I give myself a hard time cuz if I have time for washing the dishes then I have time to work/study etc. And yet every single time when i get the motivation and energy to do the dishes...i finish quite fast?? And i always regret not washing them?? Like no matter how many times i do the dishes i always end up convincing myself its some huge hard mission that needs total focua and total lack of responsibiliies

Now Idk if all what i said makes sense. Ive barely known about adhd for a year now. I read up on it to understand a friend whom said they believed to have it..and oh god did i hesitate about it in the beginning. But I did a lot of research and ive related to lots of stuff before deciding on self diagnosing. The main problem was that my symptoms presented subtly and it was hard for me to distinguish them.

I'm sending you this long ask cuz I know how knowledgeable you are on this topic and also because I read all of your posts and find myself agreeing with them

Do you think that these traits could be associated with adhd? Also what other times do you believe people with ADHD end up forgetting about an experience they would have learned about quiet fast were they neurotypical?

yeah, this often comes down to impulsivity, short-term memory problems, and not necessarily being able to think about things in a “cause and effect” way.

the anxiety and the desire to check, double-check, and triple-check everything can come as a direct result of years of being punished for impulsivity. over time, people with ADHD can learn what actions have a negative effect on others, and alter their behaviour to suit. it can be a lot harder to do this when you’re the only one suffering the consequences — you need a lot more self-control as opposed to externally enforced rules and boundaries.

in my experience, people with ADHD seem to be fairly good at breaking things down into past self, present self, and future self. the problem is that we see the future self as a completely different person to the present self. i.e. thinking “I’ll be able to do this tomorrow”, despite having no evidence that you’ll magically be able to learn those skills in 24 hours time.

the examples you included were pretty good! other instances of this could be:

procrastinating hygiene related things, even if you have the energy to do them right now — giving your future self those responsibilities because you’d rather be doing something else right now

quitting a bad habit or starting up a new one — you may want to reduce your screen time, but right now you also really want to see that new YouTube video and oh well, might as well start being good about it tomorrow

generally building tasks up in your head to be harder than they actually are, which then causes the tasks to build up, which makes them even harder than they would’ve been if you’d just done it straight away (a vicious cycle)

in behavioural economics, you’d say that someone with ADHD has intense “future discounting”. that is, we predict that the suffering of tomorrow will be less than the suffering of today. and we also predict that the joy of today will be reduced if we saved that joy until tomorrow. it can be challenging for someone with ADHD to process the concept of “delayed gratification”, because we can’t accurately imagine the reality of our future selves.

I hope this answered your question, and that it helped!

hiiiii!! i have been dead but its ok bc mental health and college is demanding asf 😭 on a lighter topic (bc im still sad asf) is anyone else absolutely obsessed with the what it is haechan tiktok edits?? like dayum man, how do you move like that?? haechans dancing us sooo smooth and so underrated 😭 also i am having a slight sexuality crisis bc im attracted to literally every pretty girl i see but only like kpop boys or fictional ones :( or the really pretty boys, like i have never had a crush on a dude i knew irl, then again i grew up in a place filled with with white trailer trash. ooh i did just move for college tho so we'll have to see if that changes. rn either im just into femininity or im bi?? or?? im confused, we'll say that. anyways, how are you doing? hows life? i hope you're doing ok <333 lysm 💓💖💘💕💞🩷💗

Hiiii, well it's almost summer so you'll have a nice long break soon. And yes oh my gosh and he looks so good for like no reason, like lately he's been looking too good like him and Renjun, it's too much. But I think I'm just finally out of seeing them like babies. Finally they took way longer than Jeno and Jaemin. And I Iove how every few months there's one song used for everyone but it just becomes Haechan's song cause it's literally perfect for him.

I think it is pretty common to be solely attracted to women but only really be drawn to unattainable and pretty men. I see it talked about a lot. Because I'm Bi my experience is a little different also since after something happened I'm slightly afraid to date women at this moment but I still love women but my main focus has been men for like three years so I can't exactly provide any proper insight. But I do know preferring just feminine people is definitely a thing. That's what it is for me I love women and pretty pretty boys. But I think being in a new environment might change your perception of things. But also it's normal to be attracted to one gender but find people in the opposite gender aesthetically pleasing. There's so many possibilities it will kind of work itself out while you're remaining aware of all of your feelings and putting it all together.

And I'm doing fine, a lot better than I was last week, Mercury being in retrograde really got me, mercury retrograde hasn't really got me like that since I think 2019 but it was during Scorpio season. And last week the moon was in Scorpio. So I wonder. Plus I was expecting my period which finally ended today yay! so ya know the planets, stars, and hormones just got the best of me. But I did start reading oracle cards again and I'm just using them for inner healing more than divination. They're just telling me I did all the hard work already I just need to wait, take care of myself, be nice to myself, protect myself and realize what makes me special. And it's actually kind of calmed my mind and I'm not crying every night. Also read a comment on a psychiatrist reacts to A&W by Lana del Rey video. A&W is already a song that I relate to but that comment was something I really needed to read. because it was exactly what I've been going through and feeling and it was really what I needed to read.

Holy shite, i missed a (ten) spot!

When i tell you i actually panicked a bit when i realized i'd not put up a recap post. It took me a hot minute to figure out that i was only a day late, but still.

This level is so loud. Like, thankfully it's also pretty short, but it's still awful damned loud. i try not to get on creators' cases about sound balancing; my ears are so bad, whenever i use music or sfx they're either too loud or too soft, because i honestly can't tell? But even still, i wish more creators would fiddle wiv the volume a bit, especially when they're using community-made tracks; they're always way too loud. Otherwise, this level is, it's fine really. Nothing that really stands out about the gameplay or presentation, but it's fun enough for a couple of minutes. i do have to say it was interesting they used this section of The Cosmos backdrop, 'cause i hardly ever see it. Usually folx (myself included, mind you) pull it down to the arcade cabinets, or mid-way up to the more space-y section. This part is kind of neat too.

This one's such a neat idea, and really well presented too, right down to the music (tho', if i remember right, Baile-Flamenco was kind of known for that). Kind of half-in-half-out on puzzles and platforming, where you can transfer movability to objects by grabbing them (the in-universe explanation is you're painting them wiv a puddle of blood). i love the little diorama bit toward the end, wiv all the world's monsters, including... YOU! The Sadako climbing out the telly is a top notch bit. i also really appreciate that the creator went to such lengths to put the level in English. It's not perfect, maybe, but their writing/speaking style has a lot of charm, and doing that kind of thing is hard work.

Just a simple little bounce around the screen grabbing point bubbles and avoiding bombs kind of gig. It's well presented, tho', and the home-brew bounce pads are still functioning mostly right, which isn't always the case wiv LBP1 levels in LBP3.

i may have gotten on a bit of a taka061 kick that week of recording, but his levels are so good. It does raise a bit of an issue for me, 'cause sometimes i'd really like to just record a bunch of levels by one creator, but wiv only one episode a day, i feel a bit like i'm taking space from other folx? Honestly, i'd love to just take two weeks and play all of chronos' stuff for the archives. The only thing of note here, aside from the level just being really, really good, is i wound up having to record it again a few days after the episode went live, because i needed some b-roll for my LittleBite-sizedPlanet look at Tic Tac Sunset, and that playthrough was way better than the one we have here. Just a little salty about that.

Kind of weird we had two levels based around colouring the environment in the same chunk of ten. That wasn't planned at all. Neither was my having a pseudo-y Roman-y motif-y kind of level to be published on the Ides of March. Just happy accidents all over, i guess. This one is nice enough, but it is just a bit too much, and i felt like it'd worn its welcome out by the end (tho', in fairness, that was on me since i wanted everything i could get for the archive). Now i really appreciate that the creator apparently had the same idea, and gives the player two chances to bounce early. That's not me giving a backhanded compliment, i really do think that's a cool thing to do. There've been plenty of levels i've played, even quite good ones, where i've found myself thinking "please, just give me a scoreboard already." One interesting thing wiv this one, or at least how it dovetails wiv the LittleBite-sizedPlanet for this upcoming Friday, is how if you make too many things interactable, your brain (or mine, at least), just starts to actively not care? Because there are just too many things going on to track, or for any one of them to have real importance in comparison to any of the others.

It's a little weird that this level leads off wiv that wee robot-y(?) character being very clear that you have to turn every valve, and then half the valves in the level not actually doing anything. i wonder if that was on purpose, or if something went a bit sideways in the translation from LBP2 to LBP3. i liked this one fairly well; it's got a really solid material and decoration set that get put to good use, tho' i'd say they're presented best when the camera is pulled in a bit more. That happens a lot, i find. It's rare for a creator to get a big environment looking real good, even when it's necessary for gameplay to have a pulled out view. That's not meant to be a knock on any creators, just that it seems a tough trick to pull off.

We talked about this on Friday, and i stand by everything i said there.

i wound up really enjoying this one, and i'd like to give the LBP1 level it's adapted from a play on stream. The swimming bits were a little hard to navigate, on account of them being dark, and my always forgetting you can't just change layers underwater, but i really don't have any big complaints about this one.

Gameplay-wise there's nothing too flash in this one, but i really found myself charmed by the environment. kome managed to nail a scale that felt just right. The incidental details really put in a lot of work too. Like, those terrariums? <chef's kiss> i did discouver thanks to this one (we'd actually played it on stream before i recorded it for the archive) that Twitch mutes the audio in the VoD download file, not just the VoDs that are up on Twitch, and i hate that like the devil hates sin. i'd suspected it to be the case, but i never listen to my streams once they're up. Even searching for a thumbnail i tend to have it on mute. It just popped in my brain to make a point of checking this time, and sure enough. i tell you that really frazzles my frizzles.

Dry tree yo. Just.. Dry tree. i don't even really know what to say aside from it is so very, very good. The fact that it has still, somehow, managed to not be Team Picked (despite having picked up a Level of the Day nod) is, quite possibly, honestly a sin. If it weren't for the fact that some of the Team Picks are actually very much quality, i'd assume Sumo were throwing darts at a list of creators they already liked. i played through this one so many times trying to get a run wiv all the secrets, which is a difficult feat on account of i never put any points into Spot Hidden, but i did finally manage to pull it off. Gotta say it felt pretty good.

So that's another 10 down, yeah. After the kerfluffle wiv my level last week, i've got the feeling it's going to be a little late to justify an every 50 schedule for a hub publish. i kinda had that feeling tho'. i do think this build is going to go more quickly, since there are a lot of parts to it that i'm keeping from the previous one. Trying it out in dThermo is a bit of a worry; i've never had particular luck wiv that system. Based on what i've heard, tho', at least some of it was just me honestly using it wrong. Thankfully i've got chat helping out, and @mellangard , especially, has a lot of experience wiv dThermo, and his advice has been invaluable.

i don't know that anyone watches the episodes all the way to the end to notice, but i think i changed up the end card somewhere in this stack. Nothing really too drastic, just tossed a progress flag up instead of the black background i'd been using. i don't change the tagline every episode like i do wiv LittleBite-sizedPlanet, and i think we'll probably be sticking wiv "For Fierce Trans Joy" for at least a little while longer. Times have been rough for us, and look to be getting rougher depending on where you live (my trans sibs in Missouri, just... fucking hell); but i want us to have our joy, even if we have to claw it out raw and bloody.

hello dreamy; hope you’re well ❤️ we’re pretty similar in some aspects :o i love making gfx the most too since it’s something i wish to be good at + pairing fonts, figuring out colour palettes and executing ideas in the form of a graphics really is challenging but also super rewarding! i draw from time to time as well and i really love doing it, but since i rarely ever not draw from a reference or change things ever so slightly, it’s not something that tickles my imagination as much as a gfx would hehe since i usually have to readjust colourings or sometimes colour from scratch, i really like giffing too! but it’s probably the most mundane out of all of them since there’s nothing much different about the process dkfjdj oh, you’re absolutely fine! a good friend is like a seasoned professional when it comes to typos, and i’ve finally mastered decoding 90% of what she says… reading through your posts is like a calming breeze after talking to her—no missing words, random exclamations or extra letters 😂 but i think it’s a charming point for her too; i immediately know it’s her when i receive a text that butchered up! the whole biasing thing reminds me of a mutual of mine :D she’s always confused on who her bias is and ends up biasing the one member who is a complete opposite of her initial bias so we joke around by predicting who her bias will be once she starts getting into a new group. what’s your favourite hair colour on chan (and/or binnie haha) + what are some things that you associate with him? (i apologize for the late ask as i have been struggling with tumblr for the past couple of days ^^;) - 🌨

i'm gonna put a cut cause this is long

Hi my lil rain cloud, omg yes there’s just so much you can do with gfx, its a constant learning curve, and it’s so full of experimentation that its just always so fun. I’ve always been tempted to open up requests for gfx but its so hard to think of how to get ppl to send stuff that would actually inspire me. The best I’ve done is someone randomly sent me an ask for a gfx with Minho and they asked if it could be yellow and it ended up being a lot of fun to try to do, the request was so vague it was easy to be completely creative.  I also cannot draw unless I have a good reference, it’s like I can picture something so perfectly in my mind but the second my pen touches paper or tablet I suddenly can’t figure out how to proportion anything. But if I have something to constantly look at and compare myself to I can match it pretty well. But I agree gifs feel easy most of the time in comparison, unless I’m trying to recolor something nightmare inducing like purple stage lighting, or making things extra fancy by basically turning gifs into gfx. Giffing is a good hobby for watching tv or something, because it’s just a constant process so I can pay enough attention to the tv to know what’s happening while also cranking out sets, so I like that about it. I’m glad my grammar issues are at least legible, just lots of random commas that I hope are remotely ok lmao

Omg red is definitely my favorite hair color on Chris, like all time, I think the more ppl hated it the more I loved it, was obsessed with it. It just felt so punk, and then it faded to a pretty pink and I was happy all over again lmao. I also really loved the highlighted brown during double knot, that was such a gorgeous color and I think it really suited his skin tone a lot. I’m partial to blonde binnie, like ex or all in that was SUCH a gorgeous color on him, I do wish he got to do more fun colors tho, he’s said a few times he wants pink hair and I think changbin should get what he wants lol

Things I associate with Chris, omg does everything count or does that just really bring out the loser in me lmao but fr space, the ocean, oversized clothing, skateboarding, wolves obviously, the 🤙🏻 emoji, Pokemon, puppies, those thick silver chain necklaces lol, I will stop this will get embarrassing gdhgd

(hope no one is mad I used the the one time turn) do people with aspd have no feelings? If they do not have feelings, what exactly does that… feel like?

i knew itd be about emotions 😭 aight everyone pack it in time for me to answer the one allotted offensive question

i have feelings! i talk about them... quite a lot on this blog haha. but the way i feel them is different. a Lot different

the main way i feel is that my body will perform the physiological response to an emotion, but i won't feel it. for instance: i'll smile without feeling happy. cry without feeling sad. tremble and tense and have chest pains without feeling anxious.

it makes it... very hard to identify ptsd triggers.

but i DO feel emotions! they come easier late at night, and there are some things that make me sad without fail, but they ARE there and i can feel the genuine emotion sometimes, it just takes a LOT to get me there.

anger comes easy. one might say too easy :(

i can also.. force it? i think its because im a) a writer who b) loves analysis? but if i think REALLY SUPER HARD abt it ill get sad. i need a poignant line to do it tho

but its usually shit i get sad about usually, like pet loss or the loss of freedom that comes with disability or the inherent isolation of being differrent

sometimes i think about how i'm doomed to be fundamentally isolated forever and i feel emptier than i usually do.

but when people say "i feel bad for hurting you," i didnt know that was a real thing, haha. i feel bad but its either a reputation thing or a "crap. i gotta fix this mistake i made" thing. ofc i LOGICALLY know that i did a bad thing to my friend and that was wrong and i made them upset, but i cant seem to care much. and if i do, its easy for me to justify whatever it is ive done. i didnt know people ACTUALLY felt bad for hurting people! it caused a LOT of undue anger to my fiance, because i thought he was just pacifying me whenever he said that. turns out he was completely genuine. whoops :(

so my emotions are definetley different from most! and due to aspd stereotypes i feel the urge to continue to distance myself from them in order to be a "real sociopath" and not get fakeclaimed. but they ARE there!

also you dont actually need dulled emotions to have aspd, haha. its not in the dsm OR icd criteria! its just a symptom many people with aspd have in common, but its not required for diagnosis. the "sociopaths have no emotions" thing is mainly bullshit peddled by sensationalized media and pop psychology

(sidenote, sometimes i think about how having low/no empathy isnt required either. i def do have low empathy but... its just one symptom... you dont need all the symptoms.... wild... idk it just makes me have a think sometimes cuz damn)

I'm in that awkward phase where I DO know enough chinese I just need to USE it. But using it is so much more effort...

I've been watching Love Between Fairy and Devil and SO many lines I know already in chinese, nearly all, occasionally I hear one new word. I've been caring what I hear to the English translation getting used. But even tho I could watch probably entirely in chinese, I'm watching in English because the mental effort is just lower. If I watch in chinese then I'd miss more just cause of the extra effort of catching everything said and trying to remember new hanzi I read in the subs, without the safety blanket of english subs to clarify if I don't hear well or don't read chinese fast. (Honestly 2ha drama should air for many reasons but one of them being I think if it aired with an English sub lag I would definitely watch in chinese only first - cause that's what happened with Word of Honor and my chinese got BOUNDS better those months just because it was basically forced to understand word of honor in chinese).

I've been reading 镇魂 and listening to the audiobook and honestly get most of it (certainly more than I ever did in the past), but it's a big time sink to complete those things and so with both I just haven't made much progress chapters wise. But I know if I just made myself spend the time on them, I COULD complete them. My understanding is adequate.

I listened to eps 1-5 of Guardian and it's lol so apparent I learned from that show FIRST cause I know every chinese line in the script, it's as easy to listen to as an English podcast. I should listen to that more but it's not challenging enough to force me to Improve, the way the novel audio or reading would actually force me to make progress noticeably.

I was listening to Chinese Spoonfed Audio today, and I know all the words (of the first several files anyway). I know enough now to just shadow the audio with my own speaking, and actually think about the grammar and word choice differences between the Chinese and English translation. I was listening primarily as review for conversational practice, and shadowing for speaking practice, since I had to talk Chinese recently and my active vocabulary was absolutely pathetic when I did ToT (i can read/listen to Chinese and recognize most words I learned, but cause of the Yakuza games japanese focus this spring all my active vocab seems to be focused on Japanese and its been hard to recall Chinese lately when trying to speak).

And then like. There's audio dramas. Oh audio dramas~ I've been thinking about this for a while, and I'm sure I've mentioned before, that audio dramas with English (and auto generated or put on speaking language subs) would work perfect for testing Listening Reading Method study method. But it requires focus for X minutes which I am just not good at consistently doing - I can read or listen then sidetrack, but doing both at once with no break for an hour really fries my brain. I'm not great at full focus on one thing for long time stretches. So I've been wanting to test it so bad but just... putting it off. Then it's like, well I Know I could just understand the audio dramas probably if I wanted to JUST listen and enjoy them. But I'm an overachiever and my finicky brain INSISTS if I listen to the audio dramas I might as well read TOO and get double practice in. Which then sounds like too much effort to really do...

Anyway, in summary lol: I think what would cause the Most improvement at this point would simply be USING THE LANGUAGE MORE. Easy peasy right? No studying, no new word lookups etc (at least for now - long term I'm due for a grammar review and active language use practice with writing/speaking). As far as comprehension goes though, my fastest way to make progress at this point is probably just literally watching/listening/reading stuff in chinese and going through a significant amount of content. It's just... when will I get myself to do it. ;-;

Thank you for replying to my ask and having this blog! I didn't want to tell any detail about my ed I thought that would be very triggering for some people cause it's about losing and gaining weight and dieting so trigger warning!!

But I guess I have always had since high school disturbed body image because diet culture starts affecting you very early on.

In college when I have had depressive episodes one way to cope was restricting my eating and then when I lost the weight I gained when depressed I started to feel better and it was like this yo-yo ish many years.

But oh god last year I had so many things that caused me stress I was living in a survival mode the whole 2021 and maybe still am, and idk why I gained weight guickly maybe it was many things combined. Then when things were bad my bf left me and my friends didn't help me and I was left kinda alone and the only way to cope again was thinking of losing weight. So this is such a classic but my ed was the symptom of my hard life situation and way to cope with the anxiety and stress.

But restricting my eating didnt 'work 'like it used to in the past, I havent been able to lose the gained weight and so my energy and time is still focused on losing that weight even now when im my life situation has improved a bit.

I have talk about my issues with doctors and I feel they haven't been taking my symptoms seriously or have focused just on my depression and anxiety (which are caused by ed so this is a fun cycle). Yesterday I talked to a nutritionist for the first time since applying help and she just said what I already know that even tho ed is a mental health problem the only way to cure is by eating. And that I should stop thinking about losing weight cause that only worsens everything (yeah no shit). And that she can't help me cope with the anxiety it's the other healthcare system that should (have) do(ne) that.

The thing is I have triedddd so much this whole time to take care of my eating but if I had succeeded I wouldn't be having any problems with it still u know?

It's kinda ironic how much I know about ed without being able to do anything. First I need to fix my nutritional status I think that's where everyone starts. And after that maybe intuition eating. I need to learn dbt skill to cope with anxiety and depression. And stop stressing about everything everywhere qll the time. Buying new clothes that fit so looking at my too small clothes wouldn't be so triggering. I need to learn self compassion and find a therapist but they are in high demand so that's really hard. I need to find things that I like about myself and repeat those. But everytime when I fail at trying to fix my daily routine and fix my eating routine I think of it as a setback and its a cycle very hard to get off (I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and lunch early so I wouldn't be so hungry at evening and night cause then I can't sleep properly and then I sleep in and then I eat late and then im hungry at evening and night cause I don't wanna eat too much in the evening and then I sleep in cause my blood sugar is so low from not eating enough in the evening does this make any sense at all) and I think I have ibs from so much stress and I think that's actually the reason I have gained weight like I'm bloated all the time. And i dont have any support cause my depression/ ed made me also isolate from my friends and/or they kinda left me also so yeah. Ummmmm this became a lot longer than i thought. if you read this all thank you and also sorry for dumping all my problems here

Sorry that it took me so long to respond to this - my own life situation is kind of taking a toll on me rn, and I've been slow to respond to people. That will continue to be the case, most likely.

But I'm sorry you've found the system so unhelpful! I really think a competent nutritionist should at least be a little understanding of mental health problems, especially when a lot of people coming to them with additional health needs will probably be coping with a lot and might need a little empathy. I mean, yeah, that's not her main job, but healthcare requires a multipronged approach, especially since her "just eat" directive won't be helpful without someone assisting with the mental health aspect simultaneously. I mean, if she frequently works with ED clients she should know that - "just eat" is such an ineffective directive. I hope you find a therapist or a team of therapists that are capable of helping you.

My advice, though? Break it down for yourself. All of these things are a cycle that feed into one another, so making progress in ANY of these areas you struggle in is still progress. And if you let yourself focus on one thing at once, it might not seem so overwhelming. Also remember that everyone struggles with hard days/moments, so if you slip, it doesn't mean you've lost all your progress. It seems an all-or-nothing approach can be really self-defeating. I get it, though - that's definitely something I still find myself struggling with!

I really hope you find more social support! I don't know if you have any online support groups. I also hope it's okay that I published this ask - I tend to do it unless otherwise specified so that people on here don't feel alone in their struggles. I bet there have been lots of ED sufferers who struggled during the pandemic, who have been feeling a lot of overwhelm and who struggle with finding adequate support and on trying to accept their bodies as-is and who are triggered by things like buying new clothes. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share their experiences.

I'd rather not have to deal with the misfortunes of embodiment. I never liked the feeling of skin, having so many parts, moving, bouncing, jumping, walking, breathing. So many times I caught myself holding my breath and gasping for air in the middle of simple tasks. Crying, oh my god. My face gets really swallow, and it takes time to go back to normal. I can't cry and pretend nothing happened. You can see it in my face. You can see everything in my face, my eyes. When I lie, I can't look directly at the person's eye, so I look right in between then, but I'm not good at it anyway. It felt inconvenient for me to have this human suit. My father said to me some times it's the price for being in this world, you need it to move around. But I never enjoyed the feeling, so the issues involving the maintenance. Drink water properly, eat - sometimes I would rather die than eat anything. I like to shower, tho, but showering is like I'm erasing slowly, layer by layer, this cage i live in as I scrub the surface. Hard. I also believe that has to deal with my self-harm. I started doing it so young I couldn't remember the first time I hurt myself on purpose. I can't recall how it was, I liked setting things on fire and needles as well. But the cuts came at twelve. It was one of the loneliest times of my life. I couldn't speak, didn't understand. After I finished cutting my whole arm, I stared at it for a while, the blood dripping slowly, super red. I remember I cleaned it with a small scarf that my aunt embroidered. It has stains till this day. Seventeen years later, I still have to handle that. Sometimes, it feels ridiculous. And I could never explain to anyone why I cut myself so I won't attempt suicide again. Why I cut my body so I won't swallow all the medication I could find in my house. Pain is the fastest emotional regulation tool I've ever found. Maybe cause I did it on my own. Trying and failing. It never stopped working, no drug was ever so quick, no psychological technique, no person that tried to help me. Lately, I've having long periods without episodes, but the last one was out of control in a way I've never seen before. I was at work, my belly bleeding, and it didn't stop. I had to leave. I came home to see how swallow, red, it was. I also had some blue and purple bruises around it. It scared me more than my arm how I could do that that fast. For some reason, the part of my brain that's supposed to be responsible for my safety started spinning like crazy. I asked for help. And thought about what my sister told me that I wasn't well, and how im not a regular person that can handle everything alone. I cant. I cant do many things, and that made me even more alone. Every day that went by, I saw the number of texts getting lower and lower till no one asked about me. It's a strange feeling when you know no one is thinking about you. I thought maybe I wished so hard to disappear i was succeeding. Maybe it's a good thing.

Since he died I fell like I'm hanging between this world and the other. I'm halfway. Its exhausting, pulling both sides at the same time. I have to decide which world I wanna be in, but just really, really, really, didn't want to be in a place where he's not anymore.

Still you.

Hey. How are you? Are you happy? I wish you were because i am not to be honest. I'm trying but i can't. Yet?

Happy birthday to the both of us. Its our 25th Birthday. Were old enough. 😅 i know you're happy now. And im glad you were even tho its not me the reason behind those smile of yours.

Thank you for the unforgettable memories that we've shared in our elementary days. And i'm sorry for leaving you soonest as i could that time.

Year 2018, i never thought you'll message me back then because we both knew we were so awkward on our last reunion. We never talked or looked at each other on that party. No one even remembered that we were exes back then. No one except us. But that reunion brought painful memory which i accepted already. And that is you were remembered as one of the exes of my so called best friend. Yes. My best friend.

Damn this 3am thoughts. Haha i have no one to tell this as of my writing so yes. Here i am. Writing on tumblr of what i am thinking rn to my unrequited love.

Does first love hurts this much? My mom thought you were just my puppy love since we were in grade school that time but for me it wasn't. Even though we broke up too fast, i was on my happiest that time. The butterflies i felt, the i love yous' , being taken care of and so on. Damn. I missed that.

What went wrong? What happen to us?

I lost myself the moment i lost you. I tried so hard to bring myself back but i think i failed until to this day.

I was a quiet, shy, grade conscious girl not until you tranferred to our school. I admired you the moment i saw you. Fun fact, my best friend (5th grade best friend) and i had a crush on you that time. We don't know but we admire you.

I have no plans of telling you that i have a crush on you. It should be a happy crush since school must be my top priority on my plate. And sucks to tell you but im not good on balancing education and lovelife as well. So it should be HAPPY CRUSH.

But things didn't go as planned. That happy crush thing vanished the moment you said you liked me. I may not be so sure as of this writing but that time you asked for my number and you said you liked me. That was the happiest day for me that time. Who would've have thought that the person you admire likes you back.

Knowing that feels surreal but at the same time knowing that my bestfriend (other friend) likes you too, i had a second thought. I told her everything but lucky me she supports us. She backs off. But she left after that year and never had a chance to talk again. So i dont know.

Things escalated so fast that the moment you asked me to be your girlfriend, i said yes quickly. But asian thing, i asked you to hide our relationship since my parents and sister won't allow me to do relationships until i graduated college.

We were so happy back then. But we were too early to play on fire. Not that kind of fire but you know what i mean. We were at our happiest not until i fucked up my grades which alarming to our professors since they knew that i have a smart sister. So this teacher reported me to my parents after knowing about us.

And worst, my dad saw our conversation which should not be shared. They got mad and won't let me near you again.

I tried.

We never had the proper break up. We just didn't talked after they forbids us to talked to each other.

Days. Weeks. It was hard for me. And hopes you had a hard time too.

Im trying but it wasn't enough. I lost myself a bit which causes me not to focus on studying so i kept on having bad grades that time.

I tried. But i totally lost myself the moment i learned that you were dating my other friend. Which also i considered bestfriend.

I'm hurt is an understatement. I am deeply hurt. I thought of trying to get us back but i guess im too late.

I know this friend knew about us but what i couldn't understand is of all the boys on our batch that time. Why you? My EX.

And i'm trying to be understanding here but why her? You knew we were friends. I couldn't accept the situation so i fucked up over and over again.

I dealt with the pain for a year. I tried. I had a thing with one of your friend which i assumed you knew about us. You thought I easily moved on and easily had a thing with your friend. Naah. Hate to say this but he was my rebound. I can't take the fact that you were happy and i'm the miserable one so i said yes to be his girlfriend.

But hey! He is a good guy. Shy and sweet type of person. We never dated in actual nor being together alone. We were just flirting on our phones. Haha. Silly. But then things happen. Worst scenario, he two-timed me. Im not sure. Not interested as well that time.

The pain is still there everytine i see both of you together. Im in so much pain that made me decide to transfer school 6th grade. So i wait. I pretended to all of our friends that i am cool with the situation for a year.

Then our graduation day came. It was the moment i've been waiting. And i do believe that time that when i transferred i'll get to move on. But jokes on me. I didn't.

But i guess i have to let you go now like for real. I've already done my part. I tried so hard to meet you and explain every thing that happen and seek answers on questions that i had years ago. I thought everything deserves a better closure but i guess not all needed closure. Maybe our relationship doesn't need closure.

I love you. And i will always will.

I like you still first love.

Hope this would be my last letting go moment. Its hard you know.

So yeah. I wish you the best in this lifetime.

Thank you.

- J.