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lucacangettathisass · 9 months

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I'LL FOLLOW YOU (INTO THE DARK)

SUMMARY: You grew up in the capital, kept far away from the dangers that lurked outside the walls. But after the fall of Shiganshina, you've been plagued by thoughts of titans and suffering and the blood of your fellow man.

So, you decided to do something about it.

Getting out of the city was the easy part. Proving yourself to everyone, including Shadis, is the hard part. But it looks like you've made a friend, the son of your former doctor; Eren Yeager.

He's driven, and possess a pull that's almost irresistible.

Or maybe that's just you.

FEATURING: It's My Fanfic So I Get To Decide What's Canon, my own thoughts on titans and additions to that aspect of the story (it's vague for a reason), references to Christian and Jewish thought/beliefs/philosophy (look I went to Catholic school and I've been considering converting so that shit has been Marinating), Grisha Yeager Is A Complicated Man, my pro snake agenda (THEY'RE JUST CURVY WIGGLY GUYS LEAVE THEM ALONE), awkward teens, class differences, shitty parents, loss of parents, Mothers, protective Mikasa (DON’T WORRY I'M NICE TO HER IN THIS), dorky eren (MY NUMBER ONE AGENDA), Problematic Relationships (further down the line, and it's more of a Tease than anything)

WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Death, illness, implied murder, implied abuse

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Who can spot all the references? What do you think they mean, if anything?

TAGLIST: @blckbrdlove

CHAPTER ONE

You had never truly thought of your home as any kind of friend or ally. At best, it was just another set of walls, separating you from everyone else in the city of Mitras. At worst, it was a casket, the final resting place of your beloved mother. The only source of comfort it offered you was the garden, which had been walled off, along with you and the rest of the east wing, from the rest of the estate ever since your mother's death all those years ago.

After all, your father's new wife shouldn't be forced to remember that someone else had been there first. That was also why you had been shunted off, abandoned and left in the care of the few members of staff who knew of your existence. Your father had a new wife who gave him not one, but two sons. What use did he have for you now?

On the bright side, this meant that fewer eyes were on you, so you were free to execute your plan. It was simple, pack some necessities, and use your natural abilities to be silent and light on your feet to slip out before anyone could notice.

"My lady, it's time for-"

You turned around, just as you were finishing up packing your bag, locking eyes with Rafael, your father's valet, and the head of the household staff.

The two of you stared at each other, and you watched his brow furrow, his dark eyes darting from you to your bag and back again. "My lady, what are you doing?"

You looked over Rafael, wondering just how much you should tell him. But lying had never been something you enjoyed, and you figured that if nothing else, Rafael deserved honesty. After all, he was the one that fulfilled the duties of a father when your own didn't want to.

"I'm leaving." You said. "I'm going to join the military. And I'm going to kill titans."

You had never been the best at reading people's faces, but even you could tell that Rafael was filled with despair. You supposed that you would be too, had he told you the same thing.

"Y/N are you insane?!" It was the first he had ever raised his voice at you, and the second that he called you by your name. "Why would you want to do that?! You're safe here!"

"And other people aren't." You replied, genuinely surprised at the level of emotion Rafael was showing. "How is it fair that other people suffer and lose everything while I get to live in safety?"

"I don't know, but that's just how the world is." Rafael said, as if you should be satisfied with that answer. He should know you better than that.

"Well I'm still going." You closed your bag and tried to leave your room, but Rafael refused to move, standing in front of the door, rooted to the ground.

"My lady, I'm not going to let you throw your life away!" Rafael grabbed your shoulders, gripping them tight. "I promised your mother I would watch over you and I intend to do so."

That gave you pause. You often wondered how Rafael felt about your mother. When she fell ill, the ones who were by her side the most were you and him. Whenever Dr Yeager came to see her, Rafael was the one who would take note of what he said and go off to get the medicine he had prescribed. The day she passed was the first time you had seen him cry.

Judging by his face now, today may bring the second.

"I'm sure she would understand." You said.

"You're safer here." Rafael insisted, sounding desperate.

"Am I?"

Your question was left hanging, the tension growing.

Rafael's left eye twitched, and his jaw clenched. He only ever did those things when he's trying to hide something. "What do you mean?"

"My mother was perfectly healthy." You said. "She got plenty of sunshine in the garden, almost everything she ate, she grew herself. She rode horses, she danced, she did everything. And then, one day, she's bedridden. Can barely move. How does that happen?"

The silence is heavy, and it seems to be doing Rafael no favours.

"Then, within a month of her dying, my father finds a new wife." You kept your gaze on Rafael, taking note of how he refuses to lift his gaze from the ground. "My father had the greatest access to my mother. They spent plenty of time together, just the two of them. Who knows what happened during those times."

"My lady, you shouldn't think such things." Rafael was trying to scold you, but his conviction was weak. "It isn't good."

"In what way?" You asked, genuinely wondering what he could mean. "Ever since his new wife arrived, I've been quarantined to this wing of the estate. How long until my father decides that doing so is too much work?"

You swallowed. It was something you had thought about a lot lately, but saying it out loud felt different. Like it was real.

The silence returned, and it looked like Rafael was desperate to break it, but he couldn't bring himself to speak.

"When I die, I want it to be on my own terms." You said finally. "If it's in the mouth of a titan, then so be it. Better that than at the whims of someone else."

There. You had said your piece. Now you just need to wait and see how Rafael will react.

"The way you're talking…" His voice was soft, but since it was just the two of you, it was easy to hear him. "It sounds like you want to join the survey corps…"

"That's right." You nodded. "They get to leave the walls. They see the titans before the rest of us. If I was with them, if they had more people, maybe what happened at Wall Maria and Shiganshina wouldn't happen again."

Rafael furrowed his brow, looking confused. "Shiganshina?"

"It was where Dr Yeager lived, remember?"

Realization dawned on Rafael. "I…I had forgotten." He sounded mournful, and almost guilty. "You were always fond of him."

It was true. Dr Yeager has always been kind to you. Even before your mother fell ill, he saw you frequently, and had tried to unravel the mystery that was your mind and how it functioned. Just about everyone else around you insisted that something had to be wrong with you, that the way you saw things, the way you acted, the way you thought, simply wasn't normal. That you were as strange and uncanny and abnormal as the titans. The only ones that didn't see you like that were, of course, your mother, and, to your surprise at the time, Dr Yeager. He had told you himself that there was nothing wrong with you, that while, yes, the way your brain worked was different from most people, it wasn't a bad thing. Adjustments may need to be made and techniques will need to be learned on your part to be able to cope in a world stacked against you, but that wasn't your fault. You weren't broken.

Your pillow had almost gotten soaked from the tears of joy you had wept into it that night.

After hearing about the fall of Maria, and the destruction of Shiganshina, you had held out hope that he and his family had survived somehow, had made it into Wall Rose as refugees. Perhaps even the interior, considering all the work he had done there. But when no word came, you gave up.

It felt like you had lost a family member.

That man had saved you and tried to save your mother. The least you could do was kill the things that killed him and his family and destroyed his home, or die trying.

"No one could've predicted what happened at Wall Maria." Rafael said gently. "The Armoured and Colossal Titans…we've never seen anything like them. No number of scouts could've stopped them."

"But they could've sent word. Warned others, giving people time to evacuate." Maybe if they had, the Yeager family would've lived.

"I'm not going to change your mind, am I?" Rafael said it like a question, but both of you knew it was a statement of fact. He sighed heavily, and there was a look in his eyes that you couldn't recognize. That surprised you.

Slowly, he stepped aside, leaving the door free for you to reach. "I'll tell your father you ran away, but I won't tell him where." Rafael promised. "I just have one request."

"Anything." After everything he's done for you, he's more than earned whatever request he's about to make.

"In the military, use your mother's maiden name." Rafael looked and sounded serious, more serious than you had ever seen him, which was saying something. In fact, he sounded borderline desperate. "Please."

You waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. Usually this would make you reluctant to do what's asked of you, but since it's Rafael and you already promised, you nodded. "OK."

You picked up your bag, slinging it onto your back. "I'll find my way."

"I know you will, my lady." He opened the door for you, and when you walked past, he bowed, like it was any other day. "I've been truly blessed to watch you grow." He said, his voice cracking a little.

That gave you pause. Until that very moment, it never occurred to you just how much your departure would affect Rafael, or anyone else who still remained in your life. Would they all weep too?

"Thank you Rafael." And you put your hand on his shoulder. You couldn't think of anything else to do.

Even with a full backpack you moved through the halls and down the stairs like a ghost, like the wind through trees. Ever since you were a small child, you had a talent for remaining silent and unseen. Your every movement went unnoticed, like a snake in the tall grass.

You would make a game of it whenever you were bored, seeing how many times you could sneak up on others and scare them. You stopped counting after two hundred. It had stopped being fun by then.

But now it wasn't about fun, it was about necessity. While Rafael visited your wing of the estate the most, there were still a select few who were permitted entry into it, and if any of them caught you, it could complicate matters.

You kept an ear out for them, while keeping yourself to the shadows and corners, obscuring yourself as much as possible, before you made it to your destination.

The door to the garden.

Initially, when your father had walled it off, you thought it was part of his grieving process. You knew better now. On the plus side, you still had access to it, were one of the few to have access to it in fact. It had helped keep you sane during those lonelier days.

You had done your best to tend to it, to keep it as lush and thriving as it had been before. But while it had been your mother's passion project, she still had plenty of help. You had no such luxury, having only Rafael and two other maids to assist you, none of which shared your or your mother's penchant and passion for gardening, so some of it had naturally fallen into disrepair, despite your best efforts.

But the one thing that had retained the glory it enjoyed under your mother's care was the apple tree.

It stood tall and proud, creating enough shade for almost a third of the garden. The apples that came from it were true beauties, as green as the leaves, round as the sun, and juicier than anything you have ever experienced. When your mother died, your father had her buried beneath it, and you imagined that by now its roots had fully wrapped around her, in a never ending embrace. You had a lot of good memories of that tree, and that was probably why you stopped in front of it.

You gazed up into its canopy, wondering just how many leaves it boasted now, how many creatures called it home. You looked down at the large roots that peeked through the grass. You wondered which ones held your mother as you knelt before it, putting a hand on the biggest, most gnarled of the roots. It felt warm. Probably from the sun and heat, but you liked to imagine it was the flowing of your mother's blood and the force of her love.

"Dr Yeager did his best for you." You said softly, looking down at the hard, patterned wood. "Now I'll do my best for him."

Thump

You turned to your left and, to your surprise, saw an apple. You were sure you had gathered them all with Rafael the other day. But it seems this one had been hiding, waiting to ripen and reveal itself.

You picked it up, inspecting it. There were no signs of bruising, or that an insect had made it it's home. Carefully, you took a bite.

It was delicious.

You could feel the juice running down your chin, and you wiped it away.

You weren't usually one for signs, but this seemed like a good one.

Apple in hand, you left the garden.

Unfortunately the military recruiters had left by the time you got there, but you weren't about to let that stop you.

Using a gold embossed doorknob that you had taken from the estate, you were able to bribe a merchant leaving for Wall Rose to let you tag along. You had considered bribing the military police to get you out, but you were concerned that it would get back to the circles your father traveled in, so you avoided them. Plus, it would probably look bad for your future military career.

From that merchant you bribed another to get further out, and yet another to find out who supplies the training camp for the military, and then bribed them to take you out there.

By the time you finally got to the training grounds it was late evening, dinner time you suspected, and you had used up everything you had taken with you to use as bribery. Your apple was long gone too, but it had nourished you well enough, considering you left during lunch time.

It wasn't until the suppliers left that you realized that you didn't have a plan for this part. You had been running purely on adrenaline and passion and impulse, incredibly out of character for you.

But you had already made up your mind. You're going to join the scouts, no matter what.

You spotted the biggest building, saw that the lights were on and heard noise coming from it and figured that was as good a place as any to start. You approached it, electing to ignore the girl who seemed to be doing laps (judging by how exhausted she looked you doubted it was her choice to do so).

Without taking a second to think, you opened the door, being sure to make enough noise to be noticed, and were promptly met with silence.

You surveyed the hall, taking in the surprised expressions, when your eyes fell on one boy in particular. He appeared to be your age, and in many ways was unremarkable. He was lanky and awkwardly proportioned, most likely due to not reaching puberty just yet, with short dark brown hair. The only thing of note about him really were his eyes, which were a dark shade of green. It reminded you of the leaves of the rose bushes in the garden.

But when you looked into them…you couldn't explain it. You felt something inside you unfurl. It felt primal, a near magnetic draw to the boy that you knew for a fact you had never seen before in your life. And yet your blood felt fiery hot under your skin, your heart racing like a thoroughbred.

'Who is he?'

"By the Walls, who is this?"

You were pulled from your unexplainable trance by a voice behind you, and you turned to find a tall, older, bald man, who didn't look impressed. He glared down at you, his eyes as cold as your blood was hot.

"Well?" He snapped. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

You blinked, finally gathering yourself together and pulled out of your daze. "I take it you're in charge." You said. "I'm a recruit, sir."

He tsked. "A recruit? Why are you late then?"

"I missed the recruiter convoy." You said. "On account of being kept inside. I had to sneak out."

"Sneak out?" The man sounded incredulous, disbelieving. "Where are you from?"

"Mitras, sir."

That caused a stir. A wave of whispers came upon the crowd, too low for you to hear anything but you could guess the gist. You didn't imagine many born in the capital would willingly join the military.

That truly seemed to have caught the man off guard. "And how did you get here, exactly, if you missed the recruiters?"

"I bribed people to get past the walls."

More whispers. It seemed you were to be the main topic of conversation and gossip, at least for a while.

The man snorted, and he seemed almost angry, like he suspected you of tricking him. "You mean to tell me you smuggled yourself out of the capital, and made your own way here, just to join the military?"

"Yes sir. I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to explain it."

The whispers ceased, plunging you all into dead silence.

The man stared down at you, while you looked past him, at a spot on the wall next to his temple. A trick you learned to make it seem like you're holding eye contact.

"Why the military?" He asked finally. "Why leave your cozy little life for this?"

You furrowed your brow. Why did people keep asking questions with obvious answers?

"Because I want to join the survey corps and kill titans." You said simply. "I want to help prevent a disaster like what happened at Wall Maria and Shiganshina. I want to protect my fellow man, and I can't do that in Mitras."

The silence stayed, and the man kept trying to stare you down, but you kept your gaze on the wall. You remained calm. You had faced worse than him.

"Your name, recruit." He said, voice low. "What is it."

'Use your mother's maiden name. Please.'

"Y/N." You said. "Y/N Chava."

#eren yaeger x reader #eren jeager x reader #aot x reader #aot fanfiction #eren x reader #someone surgically detach me from Eren’s cock

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nomorerww · 1 year

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Clinical psychologist Rachel Andrew says she is seeing more and more envy in her consulting room, from people who “can’t achieve the lifestyle they want but which they see others have”. Our use of platforms including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat, she says, amplifies this deeply disturbing psychological discord. “I think what social media has done is make everyone accessible for comparison,” she explains. “In the past, people might have just envied their neighbours, but now we can compare ourselves with everyone across the world.” Windy Dryden, one of the UK’s leading practitioners of cognitive behavioural therapy, calls this “comparisonitis”.

rants below cut

and this is the worst among young people who think that they've got something to prove.

If those images or narratives tap into what we aspire to, but what we don’t have, then it becomes very powerful.”

and this is why you see the teen to early 20s crowd look like they came out of the barbie factory while professionals in their late 30s to early 40s don't seem to bother with making themselves up as much. you're less likely to gaf or pay attention to trends/norms as you age and are no longer dating/partying like you used to. (being 40 and still going to obnoxious clubs is just sad)

To explore the role that envy plays in our use of social media, Kross and his team designed a study to consider the relationship between passive Facebook use – “just voyeuristically scrolling,” as he puts it – and envy and mood from moment to moment. Participants received texts five times a day for two weeks, asking about their passive Facebook use since the previous message, and how they were feeling in that moment. The results were striking, he says: “The more you’re on there scrolling away, the more that elicits feelings of envy, which in turn predicts drops in how good you feel”.

[...]We don’t measure up to the lives we tell others we are living, and we look at the self as though it were an other, and feel envious of it.” This creates an alienating sense of “self-envy” inside us, she says. “We feel inauthentic, curiously envious of our own avatars.”

this isn't a problem when you're male, & have zero shame and self awareness to begin with.

“Envy is wanting to destroy what someone else has. Not just wanting it for yourself, but wanting other people not to have it. It’s a deep-rooted issue, where you are very, very resentful of another person’s wellbeing – whether that be their looks, their position or the car they have. It is silent, destructive, underhand – it is pure malice, pure hatred,” she says.

oftentimes the people who 'have things' are shitty (and braggarts -- like, why do strangers and acquaintances need to know wtf you're doing?). and selfish. and un-self aware or just uncaring, where the accountability there?

When it comes to the kind of envy inspired by social media, he says, there are two factors that make a person more vulnerable: low self-esteem and deprivation intolerance, which describes the experience of being unable to bear not getting what you want. To overcome this, he says, think about what you would teach a child. The aim is to develop a philosophy, a way of being in the world, that allows you to recognise when someone else has something that you want but don’t have, and also to recognise that you can survive without it, and that not having it does not make you less worthy or less of a person.

this is an incel problem and it's not solvable in many of these men, as they aren't receptive to therapy (how did male dominance metastasize into it's current, monstrous form? b/c males aren't vicious, self-centered little pricks?):

We could also try to change the way we habitually use social media. Kross explains that most of the time, people use Facebook passively and not actively, idly and lazily reading instead of posting, messaging or commenting. “That is interesting when you realise it is the passive usage that is presumed to be more harmful than the active. The links between passive usage and feeling worse are very robust – we have huge data sets involving tens of thousands of people,” he says. While it is less clear how active usage affects wellbeing, there does seem to be a small positive link, he explains, between using Facebook to connect with others and feeling better.

if you're actually interacting with people, you're probably less focused on the whole jealousy thing and more on relating to the individuals in question.

[...]with news that is quite personal, do we need to make it so public? Honing your personal brand on social media may seem good for business, but it does have a price. It all creates an atmosphere where showing off – whether unapologetically or deceptively – is not just normalised but expected, and that is a space where envy can flourish.

the ppl who need to heed this advice never do...

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carebohe · 3 years

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organizing my brain re: literary references in ted lasso episode 2:

there were 3- (actually 4 but the first shakespeare one is kind of a toss away joke- the ‘perchance to dream’ bit)

1. the prince of tides reference is pretty clear cut- the novel is about troubled childhoods (understatement), coaching and complex family relationships as well as therapy, and some romance etc.

it makes total sense that sharon, a sports psychologist, would have that as a favorite book.

2. ‘heavy is the head that wears the visor’

it’s a pretty clear cut jokey reference to henry iv part 2

and i encourage you to go read the whole soliloquy because it's good stuff, but here’s the essential part:

“Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose

To the wet sea-boy in an hour so rude,

And in the calmest and most stillest night,

With all appliances and means to boot,

Deny it to a king? Then happy low, lie down!

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.”

this is such an incredibly incisive quote for sharon to use, because it’s not only about anxieties messing up sleep which we know ted struggles with--

it’s also the fact that henry iv was a usurper with no god given right to the throne. he is portrayed as an indecisive ruler in the play with his doubt and uncertainty resulting partially from his own belief that he did not deserve the ‘crown’, even though in the previous play he’s in (richard ii) he is portrayed as ambitious and capable.

(i.e. sharon has this man’s NUMBER. she KNOWS.) (this is also what we call good fucking writing)

3. THE GODDAMN FOUNTAINHEAD? TED.

christ boy i want the explanation we were denied before i make any conclusions but imma give you one (1) yikes right off the bat.

so i am a person who has read that whole book- because rory gilmore did, obviously. i also chose rand as my author one year in high school (she had the longest books and i was a pretentious prick) so i have read just about everything she ever wrote and i’ve gotta say- that woman is absolutely mad. and she can absolutely write. and she needed a better editor, but i imagine if some bloke had come along and tried to edit her goddamn 75 page monologues i’m pretty sure she would have set him on fire.

(howard roark blows up a building because someone fucks with his architectural plans in the fountainhead, but the longest monologues are in atlas shrugged which no one should ever feel like they need to read)

anyway, i do see how this happened, and i can *kind of* see a reason or two why ted says this. so he started high school in the late 80′s when ‘greed was good’ and books like the fountainhead that have extreme examples of individualism were very popular- so he probably first read it as a school related thing.

and honestly, when you read that book as a teen it is quite appealing- this character who gives absolutely no fucks and follows his own ideas to the very letter at the expense of absolutely everything else. roark is unaffected by setbacks, by shitty people he works with, the woman he loves (WHOLE OTHER CONVO BTW) going off and marrying several dweebs because she's not quite at his level yet. he has absolute courage of his convictions.

it’s also just a fucking remarkable novel- like as long as you know that the philosophy in it is absolutely bonkers. all the characters are incredibly flawed- including the ‘flawless hero’- there’s just something about it.

maybe the ted lasso connection is that the fundamental quality the characters share is real no-holds-barred-belief.

for roark it’s belief in ego and the self, for ted- he believes in belief itself, the power of the human mind to be curious and entirely leave aside judgement

and deep down both of them really do believe that they are the best at what they do and that anyone else’s interference makes the whole endeavor tainted- for ted though, he may get over that. IN THERAPY. WE HOPE.

anyways there’s a bit in there that reminds me of ted during the darts scene- it’s in the fountainhead just before the ‘they killed the guy who invented fire’ speech that every dumb rand loving asshole you’ve ever known quotes.

“Roark stood before them as each man stands in the innocence of his own mind. But Roark stood like that before a hostile crowd--and they knew suddenly that no hatred was possible to him. For the flash of an instant, they grasped the manner of his consciousness. Each asked himself: do I need anyone’s approval?--does it matter?--am I tied? And for that instant, each man was free--free enough to feel benevolence for every other man in the room.“

tldr; ted was a weird kid, and so was i, but he needs to read more books

#unhinged over ted lasso watch: day ?????#ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #honestly i wrote this for me so i could go back and refer later #THEODORE I WANT THE RAND EXPLANATION #no thoughts just ted lasso brain #do not come for me re: the fountainhead i KNOW it's got bad stuff in it #but you know.... art is complicated k?#and so are people #which like hi ted #edit back to say that theres a bit in that book where one act of courage gives a random other character the courage to live a lifetime #which also feels very ted #also i think maybe that choice is also more to do with the episode #ted unilaterally letting jamie back in because he truly believes it to be the right choice and damn everyone else #anyway

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alfredolover119 · 3 years

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zukka fic rec list (modern au)

howdy! i’ve been collecting zukka fics i like since uhhh june and now i am sharing my lists with the world. i’m splitting it into three posts so it hopefully wont be too long. this is the third and final one: modern au fics! the other two are canon era and post-canon. [side note!! if youd like a specific type of rec list,, i.e. soulmate au, fake dating, ambassador sokka,, hmu and i’ll post a list !!]

within this post, the fics are in word count order! also, if you’d like a soundtrack for your reading, i might recommend my zukka playlist :^) happy reading!

it’s the lack of creativity for me by @theboilingrock

-1912 words, teen

-soulmate au, humor

The point is, the concept of soulmates was simple on the surface, but the people in Sokka’s life all had special and unique stories surrounding soulmates. So of course Sokka would be the one stuck with only the word “Hi” tattooed on his arm. [In which Sokka overcompensates for his soulmate’s limited imagination in the greetings department (seriously? “Hi”?).]

We’ll play hide and seek (to turn this around) by @engagedzukka

-5502 words, general

-bakoda-centric with background zukka, fluff, meet-cute (note: i had to include this one its just too good not to!! plus the ed sheeran title spoke to me)

Sokka has a plan to ask out the cute boy at the bookstore. Hakoda is a begrudging participant until he meets the boy's beautiful older coworker.

if the shoe fits by @bisexuallsokka

-5742, teen

-college au, director!zuko and set designer!sokka, tooth-rotting fluff, mutual pining

The stranger is still there, and he doesn’t seem in a hurry to leave. Zuko, on the other hand, is anxious to wrap up his work for the night so he can meet his uncle for dinner. “Can I help you with something?” // The man laughs. “I’m actually here for you. Short-tempered, badass scar, soft looking hair? You must be the director. I’m Sokka.” // Zuko sputters. “What? I-I don't...who described me like that?” // “Well, Jet just said short-tempered, I added the rest on my own,” Sokka shrugs. “He said you were looking for some help designing your set.”

lighthouse beam by @incorrectzukka

-7167 words, general

-college au, hurt/comfort, semi-deaf zuko, fluff and angst, mutual pining

Sokka’s breathtakingly beautiful and he’s smart and makes other people laugh. Zuko has a half-burnt face and a deaf ear. It’s not rocket science. // Or, Zuko falls in love with the boy in his Philosophy class.

put your lips close to mine (as long as they don’t touch) by @celestialceci

-9470 words, teen

-college roommates, summer vacation, humor

Zuko hates his home. He likes college alright, but he likes Sokka even better, his assigned roommate turned best friend. Spending the summer with Sokka will be fun, a welcome change of pace he desperately wants. It probably won't awaken anything in him... right?

always a plus one (never a groom) by @hotdamnitszuko

-13133 words, teen

-friends to lovers, humor, sharing a bed, hurt/comfort

Zuko and Sokka decide that the best way to get through the late-twenties wedding rush is to do them all together. As it turns out, being surrounded by people in love all the time will make you want to kiss your single and hot high school best friend.

swords of fate, pride of heart by @zukkababey

-13531 words, teen

-college au, online romance, zoom meet-cute, fluff, bg piandao/jeong jeong

Yeah, attending university via Zoom sucks. But it sucks a little bit less when Sokka gets to stare endlessly at the pretty boy with the cool swords and the cute cats without him ever even knowing. [Or, Sokka and Zuko "meet" in Zoom class. Flirtatious shenanigans ensue.]

earth system history by @pianjeong

-14084 words, teen

-college au, coming out, first kiss, sparring

Sometimes, you just need to sneak into the earth science lab at three in the morning with your best friend whom you are in love with. This is far more of a formative experience for Zuko and Sokka than they originally intended.

Kiss-Proof Lipstick: Fact or Fiction? by @flammable-grimm-pitch

-14171 words, teen

-sephora employee!zuko, mutual pining, idiots to lovers

Sokka gets dragged along to Sephora by his sister and Toph; Zuko provides him with a makeup education.

The Road Between Action and Inaction by @donvex

-17548 words, teen

-road trip, slowburn, comfort, mutual pining, first kiss

Sokka does a shitty k turn in the parking lot across from the bus station, pulls up to the curb where the boy is looking determinedly at his phone, and rolls down the passenger window. “Hey! Which way were you going?” He may die, but at least his conscience will be clear. // The guy blinks at him. “Don’t.” // Oh, he’s prickly.

There Is COVID in Ba Sing Se by @koala-otter

-17783 words, teen

-quarantine au, roommates, friends to lovers, domesticity

The whole world is under lockdown, and Sokka and Zuko move in together.

Mass Times Acceleration by Haicrescendo

-19417 words, teen

-roadtrip, bed sharing, idiots to lovers, pining, underage drinking

[Zuko calls at three in the morning and says, tears in his voice and rage through his teeth, “I want to run away.” // It’s Sokka’s turn to carry the brain cell in his household but he doesn’t waste a second before he’s saying, “Tell me when and where—I’m coming too.”]

Anything for You by beersforqueers

-23616, explicit

-fake dating, breaking up/making up, fluff, angst with a happy ending, humor

In which Sokka and Zuko have broken up but Sokka hasn't told his family yet. So when Katara and Aang's wedding weekend rolls around and he doesn't want to break Gran-Gran's heart, he asks Zuko to pretend to be his boyfriend for one last weekend. Things don't go as planned.

That Midnight Sky by @zukkababey

-103016 words, teen

-college au, fake dating, strangers to lovers, slowburn, mutual pining, fluff and angst, miscommunication

In Zuko’s strict family, needing a tutor is just about the worst thing you could do. Failing a class, however, is even worse. The only rational solution? Take up Aang on his offer to find him a physics tutor and have Sokka—beautiful, smart, handsome Sokka—tutor him in secret. // When Azula’s arrival threatens to reveal Zuko’s secret, it’s up to Sokka to convince her this definitely isn’t what it looks like. See, he’s actually… Zuko’s… boyfriend? // Hmm. There’s no way this could get complicated, right?

#zukka #zuko #sokka #atla #avatar: the last airbender #fic recs #zukka fic recs #fanfiction #rec list

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terramythos · 3 years

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TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 12 of 26

Title: A Wizard of Earthsea (Earthsea Cycle #1) (1968)

Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Young Adult, Third-Person

Rating: 8/10

Date Began: 5/6/2021

Date Finished: 5/12/2021

Ged is a talented young magician with incredible potential-- possibly greater than any before him. He sets off to join the wizarding School of Roke, and quickly surpasses all of his peers. But in an act of arrogance, Ged tries to bring back the dead to impress a rival student. He unleashes a malevolent shadow upon the world, leaving him traumatized and permanently scarred.

Soon Ged finds himself hunted by the shadow wherever he goes. None of his magic seems to work on it. Worse, he lives in fear that if the dark creature overtakes him, it will use his body as a weapon to harm others. Ged journeys from island to island in an attempt to find the solution and banish the shadow once and for all.

Only in silence the word, only in dark the light, only in dying life: bright the hawk’s flight on the empty sky.

Content warnings and some spoilers below the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Violence and death, including child death and animal death. Traumatic injury.

As a fiction writer, Ursula K. Le Guin is best known for her Earthsea series, but I haven’t read them until now. She had a big impact on my childhood via a series of picture books called Catwings (they're... about a family of cats who can fly). As an adult, I’ve grown more intrigued as I've learned about Le Guin’s philosophies, especially anticapitalism. I read her famous horror story The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas last year and found it unsettling and thought-provoking. So I decided to read some of her longer works! And, of course, speculative fiction is always the way to my heart. My wonderful sister gave me the first four books of Earthsea for the holidays last year, and I’m finally getting the chance to read them.

Overall I had a good time with A Wizard of Earthsea. It’s structured differently than a lot of fantasy novels I’ve read. While there is a big overarching plot, the individual chapters usually have their own complete story arc. It’s the type of book where you can read one chapter before bed and feel like you got a whole story; each part advances the main narrative while also providing a complete side adventure.

There’s a lot of travel in A Wizard of Earthsea due to the setting. Earthsea is a giant, possibly world-spanning archipelago, meaning there’s a ton of islands, each of which has its own way of life. The conflict naturally has Ged travel from island to island and interact with various peoples and creatures. The closest comparison I can think of is The Odyssey, and I’d be shocked if Le Guin didn’t draw inspiration from that. Both stories involve the protagonist traveling by sea and meeting a variety of characters and mythological creatures through smaller, discrete conflicts and interactions. Usually I find long travel sequences boring, but in this case they were one of my favorite parts of the book. There’s always a sense of anticipation on where Ged’s journey will take him next.

The magic system is also is pretty cool. The idea is that all parts of nature, from humans to goats to oceans, have hidden “true” names. Knowing something (or someone’s) true name gives one power over it (or them). Thus wizards use true names to manipulate nature; giving another person your true name is an act of absolute trust and devotion. However, a big theme of the book is equilibrium. One must always be aware of potential consequences when using magic. Changing the wind in one part of the world could cause a devastating storm one island over. Sort of a butterfly effect type thing.

Even though violence is one of my content warnings, I’m impressed that Le Guin largely circumvents it in the story. In many fantasy stories, a wizard/mage character uses their magic to fight and crush their foes. Not so much in this novel. While Ged clashes with various entities through the story, he usually just outsmarts them. Thus his showdown with a big, fuck-off dragon boils down to Ged guessing its true name and telling it to leave. Antagonists are usually the ones instigating violence.

One thing I found odd about the pacing of the book is it slowed down a lot in the last few chapters. There’s a big action sequence with serious consequences around the novel’s midpoint, but everything after that is slower and more reflective. On a surface reading level, I’m not sure I liked this. I’m used to stories ramping up the tension more and more until the end. However, I did like the climax itself, when Ged reveals the shadow’s true name. The central moral of the novel is that one needs to accept everything about themselves, including their past mistakes. Everyone has a dark side, which ties into the central theme of balance, and even the opening poem of the novel (which I used as the excerpt for this review). It’s a pretty universal idea, but Le Guin presents it in a thematically satisfying way.

I tagged this as a Young Adult novel because Le Guin wrote it for a teenage audience. YA didn’t exist as its own genre at the time, but A Wizard of Earthsea is a coming of age story (a staple of YA), and even has a moral message of sorts at the end. However, sometimes it’s really obvious that it’s intended for a younger audience. As I get older, I’ve noticed that YA tends to be pretty blunt about its meaning and symbolism in a way adult novels aren’t. For example, while pursuing the shadow, Ged gets lost in a mysterious fogbank. To me this was a clear callback to the first chapter, where Ged outsmarts a band of barbarians by trapping them in a fog. But Le Guin also made sure to tell me several pages later, in case I missed the parallel. I’m torn on this when reading YA. While I’m not the intended audience, I feel this approach underestimates teenagers’ ability to critically examine a text. But YA teaches many how to view things that way, so I see why authors do it. Teens aren’t a monolith, but it is interesting to see this tendency to over-explain in a novel from 50+ years ago.

A Wizard of Earthsea is surprisingly progressive in many respects. Perhaps the most obvious is race. Ged and most of the main cast are explicitly nonwhite and described as such in the text. This isn’t a huge revelation in 2021, but it’s amazing to see something like that in a mainstream fantasy novel from 1968. Apparently Le Guin struggled with publishers for a long time, as many early covers whitewashed Ged for the sake of “sales” until she gained more creative control. And the (shitty) film/TV adaptations of Earthsea are just as guilty. I went through a LOT of covers while researching this book, and even newer editions often opt for heavily stylized art, nonhuman subjects, etc. The cover I chose is from 1984, when Le Guin presumably had more influence on Ged’s portrayal. I’m interested to see how past book covers stack up when I deep dive on the other books.

However, I found the book to be not so progressive when it came to gender roles (I know, I wasn’t expecting that either). Le Guin makes it very clear that all the famous and powerful wizards/mages in Earthsea are dudes. The wizard school toward the beginning is all dudes. All the adventurers and sailors in the story are dudes. Ged himself makes some pretty sexist comments (though to be fair, that was pre-character development). There are relatively few female characters in the story, and many are either bit parts or (in one case) a seductive, power-hungry villain. Portraying sexism in a fantasy setting isn’t an inherently bad thing. Jemisin’s Dreamblood duology, which I read earlier this year, introduced stringent gender roles in order to explore the insidious nature of misogyny. But A Wizard of Earthsea doesn’t really go beneath the surface level. Yarrow is probably the most well-written female character in the story, and she only shows up in the last few chapters. Again, I’m interested to see how Le Guin handles this in later entries; the next book stars a female protagonist and Ged’s the deuteragonist.

I liked A Wizard of Earthsea overall, and I think it serves as a good introduction to both the series and a central recurring character. While I have some criticisms of the first book, I do realize it’s a relatively early work of Le Guin’s. The last novel in this series was published in 2001, so I’m interested to see how the characters and writing changed over 30+ years.

#2021 reading challenge #8/10 #taylor reads

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lowkeyorloki · 4 years

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I really love how you weren't afraid to call out the mcu actors and their bs. I was hoping for some advice if that'd be okay? Who else besides Loki would in your opinion be safe to stan from the mcu that doesn't have someone with a lot of bs playing them? I understand if this question isn't your cup of tea, thank you anyways

Well anon, first let me thank you for your praise, though I don’t entirely deserve it: I took the post telling rdj/mark ruffalo/zoe saldana to develop critical thinking skills about fifteen minutes after I posted it. There’s a lot of reasons for that, but the main one is (despite all my angsty content) I want this blog to be a source of escapism for myself and my readers.

However, I’m willing to answer your question because I always encourage conversation and I am more than willing to give my opinion on anything, I just prefer to be asked it first. If you came to me, I want to honor that. I also want my blog to be open for my readers to discuss any and everything.

This is a really hard question to answer. I’m going to preface by saying that I am minoring in ethics (which is directly what this question is about) and I have read a good handful of philosophy books. That being said, I am still just a 19 year old girl on the internet and while my perspective can influence your opinion, it should not form it. I hope you take what I say seriously, but do not take it at face value. Doing your own research is still necessary. I’m okay with contributing to your views, but I do not want be directly responsible for them. I don’t want to take that power from you.

A lot of behavior from the MCU cast and your thoughts on that is going to be dependent on your experiences your personal morals. For example, because I was raised Jewish, Robert Downey Jr publicly defending two men (Mel Gibson and Chris Pratt) who have said or belong to groups with anti semitic rhetoric, I’m going to be more critical of RDJ than someone who was raised or still practices more mainstream religions. These are the types of questions to ask yourself when you’re deciding how you feel about certain people: What behavior is okay to me personally? Should I change that? How is my bias/privilege affecting my view?

It’s also important to note that no one in unproblematic. No one. Even Tom Hiddleston worked with one of the scummiest men alive. Your own core values will dictate what is and isn’t okay from people. I can excuse Tom for working with Woody Allen because he worked with him in 2011- a pre #metoo world. Tom is also English and Woody Allen is American, meaning that there’s a fairly big chance he never heard about Allen’s issues and demeaning behavior towards women at that time. Furthermore, Tom has never (to my knowledge) publicly supported Allen since around 2015. Would it be nice for him to address that he worked with one of the world’s most hated men? Sure, but until Tom expresses he still respects Allen, I’m not going to have an issue with him. However, not everyone will agree with me on that. It’s subjective.

No one, especially people who grew up before the 2010s, is going to be without fault. What’s more, we shouldn’t expect them to be. We have to make mistakes to grow- first mistakes aren’t an issue. Repeated behavior is. Tom Hiddleston is one of the only MCU cast members who hasn’t repeated his shitty choice. That’s why I’m still comfortable being his fan.

I also want to express: You can like the characters even without liking the actors! That’s totally okay. Actors do not have to dictate if you like their characters! I promise.

All that being said, I don’t think the majority of the cast should be “cancelled”. If you’re looking for my opinion, I only really have a problem with three other cast members.

I do not support Scarlett Johansson. Almost all of her behavior falls under that of a white feminist. She also has immense problems with transphobia. For that same reason, I don’t like Benedict Cumberbatch. He also had a horrible incident when he got defensive over being asked if his character on BBC’s Sherlock was autistic, and acted as though being autistic was bad and that people shouldn’t think Sherlock was that way (not cool! very mean). That was also a show with crazy problems over queer baiting (which was literally confirmed by Mark Gaitiss).

The reason I can’t look past these things is because Johansson and Cumberbatch in particular have a complete inability to take accountability. They consistently defended their behavior, with Scarlett Johansson claiming it was okay for her to take POC and trans roles, and Benedict Cumberbatch not thinking his performance in Zoolander 2 could be harmful. They can’t take criticism, even when marginalized groups are begging them to.

Jeremy Renner... just do a google search. I can’t unpack all his shit. Actually, just search up the movie “Neo Ned.” That should give you enough perspective.

Again: I am just a teen girl on the internet. I don’t know every single bad thing every single cast member has ever done, and I don’t want to. I’m not interested in holding people to impossible standards. That isn’t fair, and it’s a really self-indulgent stance to take. Who am I to decide if someone’s a bad person? I can only make that decision in regards to myself. I’m not going to tell you to unstan any of those people because it’s not my job or right. I can only give you my views and my justification.

My personal method of when to stop supporting someone is when I see repeated bad behaviors. Everyone makes mistakes, but when we see the same ones happening over and over despite the ignorance being addressed, that’s when I begin to struggle with justifying it. That’s what works for me, that’s how I choose to live my life. You can do what you will with this information. I hope I answered your question or gave you some clarity.

#ask #anon

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noblest-roman-of-all · 4 years

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best friend’s best friend ch 1

day 15, and we’re doing something a little different! the prompt today was ‘skeletons in the closet’, and it worked too well for an idea that i had just finished the first chapter for! idea credit fully goes to @your-inner-villain, who graciously allowed me to write it

pairings: platonic logan/virgil and virgil/remus, background romantic roman/janus

tw: cursing? i think thats all

Word of advice: if anyone tells you your past won’t find you in college, they’re lying to you. Virgil learned this experience.

He didn’t necessarily have a bad past, just a bit… tumultuous. He got into trouble a lot as a kid, but he’s proud to say he mellowed out slightly in his teen years, and with the friends he’d made in college, he had put a lot of that stuff behind him. Sure, he looked back on it with fondness, and sometimes he found himself wishing he had a partner in crime like he did back then, but it’s all good. He’s a semi-functional adult now, and all of that is behind him. Barely even counts as skeletons in his closet, just one of those plastic ones you always find around Halloween.

Except apparently the universe loves proving him wrong, and adding extra drama into his life. It’s like his life was written by some shitty creative writing student trying to write the next big drama TV show.

Virgil met Logan second semester of his freshman year, in a philosophy class they both took. He’s pretty sure the professor still gets headaches when he sees the two of them anywhere near each other, just remembering the debates they would have. Despite that, they ended up becoming fast friends, seeing as they understood each other in a way they never usually found. Eventually, Virgil had hung around in Logan’s dorm room long enough to get to know his roommate, a philosophy major named Janus. And apparently, when someone knows Janus, his boyfriend Roman, the most stereotypical theater major ever, was impossible to avoid.

Virgil liked the little friend group he had accumulated with them, though sometimes he would look at Roman and swear he knew him from somewhere. There was something about his face, the dramatic way he spoke, the dangerous glint in his eyes that would appear right before he and Logan began to argue about some inane thing, all seemed so familiar in a way he couldn’t place. He decided it was probably nothing, and tried to get on with his life. And for a good while, he had. They kept in touch over the summer, and when sophomore year came around Virgil and Logan had agreed to room together.

After a particularly exhausting 3 hour lecture, Virgil dragged himself back into their room with the intent to have a snack and play some video games for a few hours. Judging by the way Roman was sitting at their dinky little dining table, practically vibrating with nerves, Virgil figured that probably wasn’t going to happen.

“What’s the matter, princy? Did the Disney marathon get cancelled or something?” he asked, shrugging out of his jacket. Roman laughed, and seemed to calm down slightly.

“I know you would be just as devastated as I would be, Count Woe-laf,” Roman said. “No, I was hoping you’d come out with us tonight. My brother will be there, and the more people to manage him, the better.” Roman gave a dramatic shudder, but Virgil could tell from the tension in his shoulders he really was worried about something. Virgil sank down into the seat across from him.

“Who else is going?” Virgil asked.

“Just Logan and myself. Janus is busy with some study group tonight, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just ditching,” Roman muttered. At Virgil’s curious hum, Roman huffed out a laugh. “He’s met my brother before. They get along great, but… he can be a bit much, even for Jan.”

Virgil took stock of the possibilities for the night, the amount of energy meeting a new person would take, and how much Roman would pout if he said no, and decided that it really wasn’t worth the possibility of Roman whining for weeks. He sighed dramatically, and slumped back in his seat.

“Fine. I’ll go.” Roman whooped in victory, then stood up and gathered himself.

“Wonderful! Alright, we’re meeting at 6 at the sushi place near by, you know it right?” Before Virgil could respond, Roman waved him off. “I’ll send you the address and the time, just to be sure. I know how overly cautious you are. I think you’re going to be a great balance to my brother, you might actually be able to manage him.” After a few more hurried “thank you’”s, Roman was out the door. Virgil took a moment to realize that he’d just agreed to meet with someone that Roman thought was a lot to handle.

“Fuck.”

Virgil got to the sushi place at 5:45, paced outside for about 10 minutes wondering if anyone else was even there yet or if he was there super early, then realized he could see Roman’s brightly colored jacket through the window and went in.

“Virgil! There you are!” Roman called as soon as Virgil walked in. Logan was also already there, giving him a slight nod of acknowledgement and a smile as he walked in. Virgil held up a hand in a wave and slid into the seat next to Logan.

“Alright, now the only one we’re waiting for is my brother,” Roman sighed, adjusting his jacket again. Logan rolled his eyes slightly at the nervous gesture.

“I really don’t understand why you’re so nervous about this evening, Roman. How bad could he possibly be?” Logan asked. Roman began to open his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by the door of the restaurant flying open.

“Ro-ro! There you are!!” As soon as he heard that voice, Virgil realized several things all at once. He realized why Roman seemed so familiar, he realized Roman was entirely justified in being nervous about tonight, and he realized that he absolutely should have stayed home tonight.

As mentioned earlier, Virgil got into a lot of trouble as a kid, and he almost always got into trouble with one other boy. Remus had been his best friend in middle school; they talked about everything, about their weird family situations, about how much they hated certain teachers and how others ones weren’t that bad, about TV shows and movies and music and the most ridiculous pranks they pulled. When Virgil moved away and went to a different high school than Remus, they fell out of contact. Nothing malicious happened, no big drama or anything like what he might have expected. Just an understanding that they had different lives and schedules now. He grew up and moved on, and never thought he’d ever see Remus again.

Yet here he was, years later, looking at Remus in the middle of a sushi restaurant, hug-tackling Roman and giving him a noogie so hard Virgil swore he could feel it. Logan was watching this exchange with vague amusement, but when he saw Virgil’s face, it morphed into concern. He raised an eyebrow in a way that meant ‘Are you okay?’, but Virgil couldn’t rub two brain cells together to come up with an answer, because apparently his plastic skeleton in the back of the closet was out and about, wearing crust pants and with a patch of hair so alarmingly green it hurts a little bit to look at.

“Alright, get off me you idiot,” Roman said with a fond smile. Remus unlatched himself from Roman and folded his arms smugly.

“Anyways, Remus, this is Logan.” Remus gave him a quick look, then nodded approvingly, and shifted his gaze to Virgil. He had been hoping against hope that Remus wouldn’t recognize him, but as soon as Remus locked eyes with him he froze. Roman continued his introduction, utterly oblivious.

“And this is-”

“Virgil.” Remus finished for him. Virgil could feel Logan and Roman’s eyes turn to him, watched the shock on Remus’s face turn into something else, something he couldn’t even place.

Shit.

#ts virgil #ts remus #ts logan #ts roman #ts janus #shea writes #this is gonna be so much fun to write more of!!!! im so excited

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princeescaluswords · 4 years

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I love when Sterek or Steter fandom come at us with claims of having such and such devastating evidence of our heinous crimes (on anon no less) and then.... never produce it. They're so pathetic and cowardly, hoping they can unnerve us like cyber bullies stuck in 2014. But that is their MO, claiming things with no proof and lying about it

I love it as well, but to be quite honest, those aren’t the people I’m worried about. The weaknesses in the positions of the Sterek and Steter extremists are obvious to the casual observer. I feel that they are motivated by lust, decadence, and the temptation of the forbidden. If I may be so bold, not a single one of them would find life in a world run according to the philosophies of Peter Hale pleasant or even endurable. If any of them were treated by someone the way Derek Hale treats Scott McCall in the first two seasons of the show, they would be on the phone to the police immediately. If someone threw them up against the wall and spoke to them the way Derek did to Stiles, they wouldn’t call it banter, they’d call it abuse. If they had a sibling who behaved like Stiles, they’d be on Reddit complaining about him.

The weakness of their position is revealed in their arguments. They know the production determined that Scott would be the hero protagonist and a glance at his actions and behavior shows this to be irrefutable. So, they fixate on his flaws and missteps -- included in the story to demonstrate the growth of the character and to prevent him from being a Mary Sue -- and try to use those to delegitimize his role. Racism is extraordinarily handy in this pursuit, but it often fails when confronted by people who feel the same as I do. They do not like this at all.

Their tactics, as a consequence, grow shrill. They’ll fill people’s anonymous inboxes with aggressive and repetitive accusations while simultaneously accusing people of harassment. I know what harassment is, and it’s not responding to a post with commentary on an Internet platform designed to encourage people to respond with commentary. They’ll dox, threatening people with exposure of their identities (I know this because they’ve done it to me -- I’ve never been threatened with someone linking to my Facebook page before. It’s enlightening, but unfortunately for them, I seldom say something I regret, and when I do make a mistake, I like being corrected). They’ll claim receipts whose efficacy vanishes like a vampire at brunch when those receipts’ full context is known. And they always have funny gifs.

No, those aren’t the people that concern me. They’re annoying and sometimes enraging, but their greatest crime is the cover they give the more casual and seemingly harmless racism of the vast majority of fans.

You see, racism in the Teen Wolf fandom seldom takes the form of ugly attacks against the main character (or his girlfriend Kira, or his mentor Deaton, or his pack member Mason, or his ally Braeden, or his ally Boyd, or his acquaintance Danny, or his girlfriend’s family. The exception to this is the villain Monroe, the attacks against are usually incoherent misogyny). Racism in the fandom usually takes the form of benign neglect or obtuse manipulation, such as:

Every time a fan portrays Gerard forcing Scott to force Derek to bite him in Master Plan as the worst thing that happens on the show while ignoring the action’s context, including the fact that Gerard had Jackson’s claws to Allison’s throat and Scott believed that doing so would save Derek’s life, yet at the same time explaining every shitty thing Derek did to Scott in Season 1 and 2 (stalking, violence, manipulation, lies, and betrayal) was ‘for Scott’s own good’, while with the same breath pretending that Stiles wouldn’t congratulate Scott on outwitting both Gerard and Derek.

Every time a fan suggests Scott is a bad friend because he doesn’t prioritize the treatment of Stiles’s low self-esteem -- a situation they exaggerate to an uncomfortable degree -- over not becoming Peter’s murder beta or stopping the Argent/Hale feud or protecting people from the Alpha Pack. They present it as Scott spending all his time with Allison (or, weirdly enough, with Isaac) when in fact Scott spends most of his time fighting villains who are older, stronger, and more knowledgeable than he is. Yes, Scott chooses to save lives rather than make Stiles feel special, and to them, that’s disqualifying. They consider this Scott failing in the duties of friendship, but neglect the suggestion that Stiles’s vicarious use of Scott’s lycanthropy to augment his self-esteem isn’t a violation of those same duties.

Every time a fan repeats the mantra “Stiles is always right,” when it is ludicrously easy to show that Stiles is the farthest thing from ‘always right’ there is, because they’re not really saying that he never makes a mistake. Their implied meaning is that Stiles should be the one making the decisions but always without the commensurate responsibilities, a ‘power behind the throne.’ These are the same people who glorify Stiles’s darker nature and trumpet his insecurities, yet still think that he should be in charge.

Every time a fan tries to make Liam Dunbar’s anchor Theo Raeken when we see repeated instances that Liam’s true anchor is Mason Hewitt. Because Liam couldn’t focus his humanity in his best friend who stood by his side since the episode after his first appearance. Nope, his anchor must be the man who inspired him to commit murder and manipulated him for thirty episodes.

These statements have one thread in common -- a denial of the minority characters’s importance to the story. How do I know this? Because they don’t spend any time talking about how Derek betrayed Scott in Co-Captain. Because they don’t spend any time talking about how Stiles demonstrated zero faith in Scott after A Novel Approach. Because they ignore Scott’s success in turning enemies to allies, something Stiles never did. Because they treat Scott anchoring in Allison as sexual obsession and a crime against Stiles’s relationship, but propose that Stiles shifting loyalty to Derek and Liam discarding Mason for Theo are desirable outcomes. I do not feel the fact that the characters diminished in these fandom trends (as well as others) are minority characters is a coincidence.

#teen wolf fandom problems #scott mccall defense squad #fandom racism

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ladyhistorypod · 4 years

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Episode 6: Ask Santa to Bring a Vote for Mother

Sources:

Mabel Ping-Hua Lee

National Parks Service

National Women’s History Museum

Further Reading: Women’s Vote 100, 18 Million Rising

Delilah Beasley

California State University Northridge (CSUN)

New York Times

Huntington Library

Ohio History

KQED

Ida B. Wells

History Channel

National Women’s History Museum

National Parks Service

Black Past

New York Times

Chicago History Encyclopedia

Washington Post (Alana definitely did NOT cry while reading it)

Further Reading on race and suffrage: NPR

Attributions:

Dooley’s Address

“Your mother’s gone away to join the army”

Cheering Crowd

Click below for a full transcript of the episode!

Lexi: I started my internship at the Air and Space museum,

Haley: Woohoo!

Lexi: and the first day I am there, we have a live chat with a WASP expert who talks about Jackie Cochran and how Jackie Cochran might have been a racist. And I was like, there’s new layers to this story. And I know it sounds weird but I'm thrilled that this person might have been a racist but I'm just always interested to learn new things about people that I have known things about.

Haley: No I love when these stories come out and people are adding like the actual history part of it.

Lexi: the context, the history, the actual person’s views because we often just like glorify a figure.

Haley: And that’s a lot with the suffragists. This topic has it.

Lexi: But it's just so interesting because we often glorify these people. We can't accept that she did really awesome things by getting women into the Air Force but also did really shitty things by making sure Black women didn't get into the Air Force. So.

Haley: Yes. Exactly.

Lexi: But she did let in Asian women. There were apparently two Chinese American WASPs. I also learned that.

Haley: On a side note, can we– if we get reviews can we like read the reviews?

Alana: You wanna do a segment where we read reviews?

Haley: Like every week being like– because we can do that as like our banter if we can't– and be like “our weekly review is…”

Lexi: Listener shout out. Here’s a review.

Haley: This person.

Lexi: Yeah.

Haley: Yeah

[INTRO MUSIC]

Alana: Hello and welcome to Lady History, the good the bad and the ugly ladies you missed in history class. Coming to you virtually from my closet turned podcasting studio is Lexi. Lexi, if you were a single issue voter, what issue would that be?

Lexi: Probably bird– bird care, bird health, bird ability to exist, bird ownership.

Alana: Are you a birds’ rights activist?

Lexi: I am a bird rights activist.

Alana: And her face is partially hidden by my clothes but Haley, aka a Sprinklebear McPuss-n-Boots, is here too. Sprinklebear McPuss-n-Boots, it’s been two weeks since we last recorded and we already did one episode tonight, did ya think I’d forget?

Haley: I really was hoping you would forget. I did. I kind of– I keep forgetting it’s Sprinkle McPuss-n-Boots. I keep thinking it’s Sparkle or something. But like once in a while that’ll creep into my mind.

Alana (laughing): Lexi is losing her shit.

Lexi: Please contact us and direct your message to Haley using this title, please.

Alana: To Sprinklebear McPuss-n-Boots. And I’m Alana and please, god, register to vote.

Haley: My registering to vote has not happened yet because of the god damn DMV. And it makes me so mad.

Alana: I'm still registered in California. I haven’t switched.

Haley: I’m registered in New York.

Alana: But I might be moving in January, so…

Haley: Back to California?

Alana: No, in with Lexi. Hopefully. We haven’t talked about that.

Lexi: We’ll see.

Alana: We’ll see.

Lexi (stammering): GW?

Alana: That’s the dream.

Lexi: But, um…

Alana: GW has to let me into school first.

Lexi: Yeah.

Alana: Okay, who's going first that's not me?

Lexi: Mabel Ping-Hua Lee was born in Guangzhou, China on October 7, 1897 so shout outs to her upcoming one hundred and twenty third birthday. Can we get some happy birthdays for my girl?

Alana: Happy birthday in the chat.

Haley: Happy birthday.

Lexi: Happy birthdaaay. I don't know how to say Happy Birthday in Chinese because, as is a common theme on this show, none of us speak Chinese, as you may know, as you may have knowledge of. But anyway. When Mabel was four, her father, a pastor, moved to the United States to work as a missionary and Mabel stayed with her mother in China. At the age of nine, Mabel earned a special scholarship which was called the Boxer Indemnity Scholarship. I'm unsure why it is called that. That scholarship she received, and it allowed her to obtain a visa and move to the United States, to go to school in the United States. And in 1905 her entire family relocated to New York City's Chinatown so that Mabel could pursue her education in America. There is no direct record of how Mabel got involved in the suffrage movement, but it is clear that through being a young, educated woman living in New York City, she was able to participate in activities being led by local suffragists. And then, Mabel was beginning to become a leader in the movement in her own right. In 1912, Mabel helped manage a parade for suffrage and she rode horseback; she helped direct the marchers from the parade starting point at Greenwich Village. Historical accounts suggest at least ten thousand spectators witnessed the parade which she led. Her participation in the suffrage movement led to another accomplishment: she was featured in the New York Tribune and The New York Times as a teen activist and icon of New York’s suffrage movement. That same year, Mabel started school at Barnard College, a women's school founded because Colombia was a men's only university at the time. She decided to major in history and philosophy. In college, Mabel joined the Chinese American student association and wrote for the Chinese students’ monthly paper. Her essays, such as “The Meaning of Woman Suffrage,” supported her fight for women's rights. In 1915, Mabel gave a speech for the Women's Political Union and was again featured in The New York Times her speech was called “The Submerged Half” and focused on the gender divide in the Chinese American community. She urged Chinese Americans to educate their daughters and allow women to participate in civic life. In 1917, women in New York earned the right to vote in their state. In 1920, some women were given the federal right to vote with the passing of the 19th amendment, but many women, including Mabel, still could not vote. Mabel, like many other Chinese Americans, longed for citizenship and voting rights, but they could not obtain either. They were restricted from gaining citizenship through the 1882 Chinese Exclusion Act. Mabel would have to keep fighting in order to obtain her right to vote. After finishing her undergraduate degree, Mabel earned her MA from Columbia's Teachers’ College and she later earned her PhD in economics, also from Columbia. She was the first Chinese woman to earn a PhD in economics. She also published her thesis “The Economic History of China.” Shortly after Mabel finished her doctorate, her father passed away. Mabel decided to take over his role as a church leader, becoming the director of the first Chinese Baptist Church of New York City. She also founded New York City's Chinese Christian Community Center, which offered courses in English and vocational skills to newly immigrated Chinese Americans. The center also provided health care and child care to the Chinese community. The Chinese Exclusion Act was repealed December 17, 1943, sixty one years after it was first enacted. The repeal of this act meant Chinese Americans could become citizens, and in doing so, earn the right to vote. Mabel passed away in 1966. No record of Mabel becoming a US citizen or exercising her right to vote exists. Scholars remain unsure if the girl who fought to retain the right to vote for so many other women ever even voted herself.

Haley: Wow. I love her. I know her from…

Alana: That’s really interesting.

Haley: I know her… Where do I know her from? Oh! A history book in high school. She was like briefly mentioned. And I get into this kind of like my background and women's suffragists that she's mentioned, then never again. And that that happened so many times in high school to so many different women. They just plop their name in, but not give like a history? Like I only knew Susan B. Anthony, and I thought Susan B. Anthony in my head did everything of the suffragist, or suffrage movement, as it was explained.

Lexi: I actually think it's really amazing your high school book mentioned her because currently, as of 2020, no K-12 education standard in the United States mentions an Asian American woman by name. So...

Haley: So let me… maybe it wasn't a book– let me rephrase this. My junior year American history high school class I remember her name coming up.

Lexi: That’s just pretty impressive that your teacher included something that was off of the course standards because–

Haley: She was a rad lady.

HALEY’S STORY STARTS

Alana: Alright Haley, go for it.

Haley: So my gal today is Delilah Beasley. So born in Cincinnati, Ohio on September 9, 1876. She was mainly the kind of known as an Oakland gal. Shout out to the American Bookbinders Museum in San Francisco. That was my summer internship. I'm finishing, actually my internship up right now and she's one of the people I had to research for our exhibit that's online now but will be in like our gallery hall. And it's celebrating “Celebrating the 19th Amendment, Suffragists in Print” because it’s a printing museum. She’s from Ohio, but she's known in like the Oakland, Bay Area so she's a local gal, for our museum. And I loved like researching the local gals knowing that I wouldn't be in San Francisco all that long. But also it was really cool if you guys look on the actual exhibit– go, again, plug– the American Bookbinders Museum “Celebrating the 19th Amendment,” we have like maps of San Francisco and where all like the printing presses from like the suffragist movement were at and like I've been to that street! Like I know exactly that building, I've been at the like Jamba Juice or the Starbucks or the Gap that’s right there. So that's very super cool. So back to Delilah. She is known as a writer, columnist, activist, suffragist, and just overall an incredible human being. Before I want to highlight that, being a Black woman, Delilah Beasley is often overlooked when discussing women's right to vote and the suffragist movement. In her early life, she attended a segregated Cincinnati public school and by the age of twelve she had begun to write and publish short social notices in the local Black newspapers and some White newspapers such as the Cleveland Gazette and Cincinnati Enquirer. She continued to write at the young age, published in high school, and spent time learning about journalism by working for the Colored Catholic Tribune. In the 1880s– so again she was a teenager– her parents died and her siblings were separated. She had to leave her life of journalism and to be employed as a maid. As a maid, she also held so many different jobs and I couldn't figure out if she specifically was a maid and then left the job, or just had three jobs at one time. I wouldn't be surprised if she had three, four– as many jobs as she needed to sustain herself and her sibling. But some of those jobs included her being a hairdresser, hydrotherapy, medical gymnastics, massage therapy, nursing– and she never let go of that ideal dream of being in journalism. In her spare time, she would be researching Black history and becoming part of the thriving women's movement, especially within Black women and social groups. Some years later, she enrolled in history courses and began training herself in historical researching by visiting various libraries, diving into those archives that us as museum gals know and love, and conducting oral interviews with older Black residents and I believe there was one, but it could have been many– this article that I read noted one in particular about their personal experiences as a Black person growing up and living in the United States. And again this is late 1800s, early 1900s. She spent several years examining California newspapers between the 1840s and 1910s, both Black and White, at UC Berkeley's Bancroft Library. I believe that's still the university library today. She soon began lecturing on Black history and eventually published articles in the Oakland Tribune and the Oakland Sunshine. After nine years of intense research on Black history, Beasley published “The Negro Trail Blazers of California” which was all about Black pioneers who had largely been left out of history books, and the stories dated back to the early Spanish exploration of the United States. And honestly I did not hear about this book in history class. So, yes this is fantastic that this was published and was circulated, but our school system needs to do better and actually incorporate this rather than gloss over it. I’m gonna just say it; I'm gonna put it out there. In 1923, she started her own column “Activities Among Negroes” in the Oakland Tribune. She wanted to use her voice to highlight the achievements of Black Americans, support Black dignity and rights, raise awareness, and overall encourage forward movements towards building space for equality to blossom. And let's just put on another note: we still need to do a lot of work. Black lives matter. She would also travel to different newspapers and– major ones and small ones, the gambit– in the peak of newspapers and the suffragist movement to try to convince the editors to stop using racial language. And honestly I can just imagine her walking in with her own column and her own work being like “I did it, look at this. We don't use bad words. We aren’t offensive. If I can do it, you can do it. Let's all try.” Like she was very encouraging of… this is not saying this is wrong which, it is wrong, let's be clear about that, but more showing the right way to do it; putting it into a more positive perspective which, honestly, it's negative. Don't use that harmful language in your writing. Bottom line. Over the next two decades, Beasley would also serve as an active member of the NAACP, the Alameda County League of Women Voters, the National Association of Colored Women, and just so many different active groups for suffragists, women's education, Black women movement, Black lives, just in general. She's also the president of the Far Western Inter-Radical Committee at the Oakland Museum, which side note, this is a very inclusive museum. Like snaps to them; they are just amazing at getting their community as Oakland involved, just the community as the Bay Area involved, trying to be as diverse as possible. It's definitely on the bucket list of Bay Area museums and I was supposed to go the week after it closed for Covid, which is really depressing because I had two free tickets from one of my classes. We just got them from like a speaker. She came in with vouchers and was like “here are vouchers that I have” and I was like “I want that.” Anyway, I digress. Delilah Beasley continued writing her column “Activities Among Negroes” until her death in 1934. She's buried in Oakland, and I even did like the find my grave so that's available out there. Be respectful if you look it up and go. And I just want to leave you all with something she wrote which I think resonates with what we've been talking about as suffragist movement, recent months with Black Lives Matter, just like Delilah Beasley in general, truly just please go Google her; such an inspiring human. ““My life plus others make a peer to move the world. I, therefore, pledge my life to the living world of brotherhood and mutual understanding between the races.” Like, so simple. That's what I really kind of admired of her, and everything I had to write about her for the exhibit and just own research for this podcast going back. She was never a person– and this is seen in the suffragist movement– of you're wrong, I'm right.

Lexi: When I worked at the Smithsonian Libraries and was working on an American women's history project, she was on our short list of women who were being considered to be featured, but unfortunately didn't make the final cut.

Haley: There's a New York Times, I believe for my– look at the show notes everyone, don't quote me because I don't have my notes in front.

Alana: Lady history pod dot tumblr dot com.

Alana: So there is like– I'm looking at my notes, there is a New York Times I used, the Huntington Library and Art Museum. But for just even I usually type in Delilah Beasley museum. I do that for all my women. I see where they came up in museums. That also connects you to like history sources. National Park Service, libraries… and like I couldn't find like bios about her. It was more they were showcasing specifically Black women and suffragist movement or women's rights. Which is not bad.

Lexi: Well the library– the library was going to consider her because they had some of copies of the stuff she wrote. So–

Haley: Oh, that’s amazing.

Lexi: I think she comes up a lot in like how you found about her from a print type–

Haley: Yeah.

Lexi: I think she comes up in like books and writing based places.

Haley: That is definitely one hundred percent true.

Alana: Okay, so, I will be talking about Ida Bell Wells, or Ida B. Wells, her middle name and her last name rhyme and when she gets married actually which is really interesting is she doesn't change her last name she doesn't take her husband's last name. Which if your middle name and your last name rhymed, I would not… I would not change my last name either. Her name is Ida Bell Wells. So she was born in Holly Springs, Mississippi on July 16, 1862 into slavery, right at the height of the Civil War. She's the oldest of eight children and then after the war her parents became very politically active, like in Reconstruction Era, especially her father helps start Rust College which is a historically Black college in Holly Springs, it's still around today. And that is where Ida went for early schooling. And eventually she was may be expelled? I couldn't find anything to back that up but somewhere was like oh she got kicked out for starting some shit with the dean or something and I was like I don't see this anywhere else but interesting, okay? In 1878, she is sixteen years old and her parents and her youngest brother died of Yellow Fever. So she lied about her age to take a teaching job. She convinced the school in Holly Springs that she was eighteen and so she could teach and that's how she is supporting her… her siblings, was by teaching. And just like, becoming a parent essentially. And then in the 1880s she finds another teaching job in Memphis, Tennessee and she moves up to there. Fun anecdote: in 1887, she bought a first class train ticket but was removed because she's Black and segregation and so they wanted to like force her into the smoking car and she refused because she was like “hello, I bought a first class ticket you're gonna put me in the first class car. That's what I paid for. Capitalism.” So when she refused, she was kicked off. She might have bitten someone. She might have bit the guy who removed her. Maybe. I hope she did.

Lexi: People were doing it long before Rosa Parks, I’m just saying. Before buses existed.

Alana: Before buses existed and we were biting people. (laughing) Rosa Parks up your game, maybe bite someone. (more laughing)

Haley: We don’t condone biting–

Alana: We don’t condone biting.

Haley: –on this podcast. Please, do not–

Lexi: I personally condone biting racists, but okay.

Haley: Okay like bite racists.

Alana: Biting racists is fine, but also keep your mask on so maybe not right now for the biting racists?

Lexi: Actually yeah. Right now no biting.

Haley: Also, when you bite people, like why do you want their skin…

Lexi: You don’t want their germs.

Haley: ...on you. Just don't bite people. Punch them maybe? Like if they're being bad bad people like don't go, don't–

Lexi: But the human jaw is a powerful tool.

Alana: It’s true!

(Lexi laughing)

Alana: Anyway, (laughing), so, regardless of whether or not she bit someone, which is my favorite thing in the whole world, she sued the railroad for making her leave, essentially.

Lexi: Even better than the biting. Sue the racists.

Alana: Even better than that: she won. Haley’s face is just like “what?” And I’m like yeah! She won. She won five hundred dollars, and I didn't really feel like doing that conversion from 1887 money to 2020 money but it's probably a lot. Unfortunately, later the Supreme Court overturned it. Like the railroad– it appealed, and appealed and appealed and the Supreme Court overturned it and Ida was forced to pay court fees, so I guess that's where the five hundred dollars went. But that's really– something that's really cool.

Lexi: Wait I just checked. It's thirteen thousand dollars.

Alana: It's thirteen thousand dollars? That's so much money. Okay. It's not that much money but it's so much money.

Haley: I would gladly take thirteen thousand dollars. That's a lot of money.

Alana: After being a teacher for a while, she's starting to publish articles about race issues under the name Iola I-O-L-A in Black newspapers and periodicals. Especially like as a teacher she talks a lot about segregation in schools and how this is like not good for the kiddos. This separate but equal that's bullshit everything sucks. And this launches her journalism career. She ends up owning shares of the Memphis Free Speech and Headlight and Memphis Free Speech, which are Black owned kind of newspapers in Memphis at the time. In 1892, she turns her attention to covering lynchings after her friend Tom Moss and his business partners were murdered because their grocery store was taking customers away from the White grocery store. And so she publishes this pamphlet called “Southern Horrors.” And that's all I'm gonna say about her investigations of lynchings because this is a fun podcast, and that's a little dark, and I think only one trigger warning episode per ten episodes, and we just about a couple weeks ago. So no. After she's calling all this attention to lynchings, she had to– she's run out of Memphis. She has to leave. And she moves to Chicago, and from Chicago, after fleeing Memphis she writes: “If this work can contribute in any way towards proving this, and at the same time arouse the conscience of the American people to demand for justice to every citizen and punishment by law for the lawless, I shall feel I have done my race a service. Other considerations are minor.” Which I just think is very poignant that like, yes you ran me out of my home but if this is what fixes it, so be it. After moving to Chicago, this is where she begins to gain international notoriety, and found some organizations. She travels around the world talking to the suffragists and criticizing them for not talking about lynchings and just being like, “Hi. This is cool, what are you doing for Black women? What are you doing for people of color? What's your deal? Tell me. Why aren't you thinking about this?” And in 1894, she establishes the British Anti-Lynching Society and comes back and settled back in Chicago. This is just like all of her really cool organizations that she's founded. In 1896, she becomes a founding member of the National Association of Colored Women. She brought her anti-lynching campaign to the White House in 1898 to President McKinley and demanded reforms. I don't think anything happened, but she did go to the White House to demand reforms so that's cool. In 1909, she was at the first meeting of an organization that would later become the NAACP, but she's not listed officially as a founding member possibly because they weren't like action based enough for her at the beginning. She wanted like real action in their mission statements and they didn't say anything about that. So on January thirtieth, and I'm only bringing up the exact date do you guys wanna guess why the date January thirtieth might be important to me.

Lexi: Because it's your birthday.

Alana: It is my birthday, you win as friends. So January 30, 1913 she founds the Alpha Suffrage Club, and they play a pivotal role as soon as that June when they get on the Illinois Equal Suffrage Act passed. They play a pivotal role in 1915 in getting Chicago's first Black alderman elected and his name is Oscar DePriest. Ida and several of her Alpha Suffrage Club members are invited to the 1913 Suffrage Parade in Washington DC, but the organizers were worried about offending the Southerners and so they make the Black women and the women of color march at the back. And Ida is pissed, and she won't march with them until the White contingent is past her and then she joins the parade. Which, cool? But also you're still marching at the back? I don't really understand what point that you were trying to prove? I don't know. But okay, cool. Just a little bit of the boring stuff, this is actually the most boring part about her is I'm talk about her husband and her children. Super boring. In 1895, after returning from England she married a man named Ferdinand Barnett who was an attorney and a fellow activist and they had four children. And Ida did not take his name, which was extremely odd for the time, and still not like as big a thing in 2020. It's gaining traction, but it's not like the norm. Another interesting thing about their relationship is that he did the cooking and the cleaning and made dinner for their children almost every night.

Lexi: You said this was gonna be boring! I’m not bored I’m interested!

Alana: This is how cool this lady is– is that even the most boring shit about her is super interesting. His activism and his law career kind of took a backseat while he was raising these children and she was going out and just being a political activist and all around badass. I mean– and he's like at home with their kids, which I think is really cool. In her final years, she was kind of fading from popularity and influence but she still worked on urban reform, especially mass incarceration was something that she was really involved in and– and actively… like that was her cause. She switched from– once women like got the right to vote she was like okay cool, sort of, for now. Let's talk about mass incarceration.

Lexi: We're still talking about it today.

Alana: We're still talking about it today. Nothing changes. Nothing changes. That's a bad– I'm going last, that's a bad note to end this podca– this episode on but… nothing changes.

Haley: Change is gradual and slow.

Alana: Change is gradual and slow. That's true. So the last few years of her life she actually becomes a probation officer and works like with these people who have been mass incarcerated and like rehabilitating them sort of. In 1930, she ran for Illinois State Senate and lost horribly, but she still ran. That's pretty cool, like she is not… Women running for office is not new, which I think is really interesting. At the age of sixty eight in 1931, she died of kidney disease. And I just feel like she was doing so much good all the way until the end, that it's very moving. There is now a– we all lived in DC for a while– there is a mosaic of her at Union Station in DC. And the mosaic is made of other suffragists and their posters and their propaganda… and no comment as to whether or not I cried reading The Washington Post article about it. No comment. I will not be taking questions at this time.

Lexi: One of my coworkers, her friend worked on the exhibition and she was able to get a poster of the pos– of the floor and it's in her house now.

Alana: That's so cool. I– I did cry. If that wasn’t obvious, I was reading about it and I cried.

Haley: Go vote. Please. Do everything in your power to vote in this pandemic.

Lexi: Visit vote dot org. Register yourself, to vote, get voting information. Go check out how to vote locally, use a mail-in ballot if you are in an area where you don't think it is safe for you to go to the polls. If you can get to the polls, get to them. Wear a mask to vote. Be safe!

Alana: There are also areas that you can sign up to be a poll worker.

Haley: Yes.

Lexi: Yes!!!

Alana: Which is what I'm doing. I have signed up for that because–

Haley: I love that.

Alana: –a lot of them are paid, and I have no money. Despite being a professional podcaster I have no money. And it's just like a way to do good in your community, especially in like underserved communities.

Lexi: So yes, get to the polls. Help your friends get to the polls.

Alana: Make sure your friends are registered to vote. Register to vote.Vote early.

Haley: Also just raise awareness. If voting is something difficult for you, like for me I might not even be able to get like a write in ballot because I will be moving and then in quarantine to go vote. It is still unknown. DMV is not handling it well for me. But like I’m still spreading the awareness of voting. Spread the history of how women, Black people, other people of color, other countries, even, getting their right to vote. It's helpful knowledge as a U. S. citizen.

Lexi: And remember some people in America who even are citizens cannot vote, so…

Haley: Exactly.

Lexi: Use your right to vote so you can do it for them who can't.

Alana: So the two websites that you should go to in addition to our show notes are power to the polls dot org– I think it’s dot org– and vote dot org to check your registration.

Lexi: And if neither of those work for you, dude, there are so many other websites out there. Find the one that works for you, get the information you need, figure out how your state and your local community handles all this.

Alana: People I feel like are like “it's a right to vote.” And yes it's a right to vote, but also it's your responsibility. I think if you can it's your responsibility.

Haley: And voting matters. Like your vote matters. I know a lot of people will even say recently that your vote doesn't count– absentee ballot doesn't like matter. No, it matters. Come on. Our electoral college is very screwy and needs a lot of work. Just our whole system needs a lot of work, but regardless, voting is important.

Lexi: Okay.

Alana: And we have to vote out the fascist. Lexi, you can decide whether or not to keep that in. But vote out the fascist. It’s the last chance we have.

Lexi: I am sure people can already assess our political opinions based on the topic of our podcast.

Alana: People can guess.

Speaker 1: And the fact that we’re archaeologists. And out of work.

Lexi: You can find this podcast on Twitter and Instagram at LadyHistoryPod. Our show notes and a transcript of this episode will be on lady history pod dot tumblr dot com. If you like the show, leave us a review or tell your friends, and if you don't like the show keep yourself.

Alana: Our logo is by Alexia Ibarra, you can find her on Instagram and Twitter at LexiBDraws. Our theme music is by me, GarageBand, and Amelia Earhart. Lexi is doing the editing. You will not see us, and we will not see you, but you will hear us, Next time, on Lady History. Go fucking vote.

[OUTRO MUSIC]

Haley: Next week on lady history it'll be raining men. Psych. I'll be reining in my urge to sing and we will be talking about some fabulous queens.

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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Stage one: Emotions. How often do you take actions you regret? Not super often, but it’ll come up once in a while.

Do you often feel guilty? As someone who was raised in a verbally abusive household and was always blamed, corrected, or shamed for not knowing any better, you bet your ass I feel guilty all the time. ‘Sorry’ is probably in my top 50 most used words haha. Do you have a short temper? A little bit, yeah. I got my mom’s impatience for most situations and I’m also a bit of a perfectionist, so if I’m in work mode and I see that something’s askew I’ll be fussy about it until it’s fixed.

When was the last time you lashed out at someone? This afternoon when I was feeling super stressed and was venting to Gabie, but I had the vibe that she wasn’t all ears. And why was that? Because I would assume anyone would feel shitty when they’re ranting to someone they trust and that person acts like they aren’t listening?

Does it always seem like the entire world is out to get you? I have weeks like this, but it’s not constant. Overall, I think the world is mostly decent with me. Have you ever had a serious mental break down? Yeup, tons. What led up to this? (sadness, depression, fury, confusion, etc) I’m not getting into them lmao? Do you believe it is just natural for humans to feel lonely? Of course. Everyone goes through their own battles that makes them feel this way, and sometimes the physical presence of other people or having a packed schedule wouldn’t be enough either. Do you ever feel lonely, even in the presence of those you know or love? Yeah, that’s what I was just trying to say in the last question. There’ve been a few times I wasn’t feeling my best, and I thought going to Skywalk was going to fix stuff but it didn’t. Do you believe that these are the "best years of your life"? High school and college were, but I'm expecting to stumble a bit in the next few years as I try to navigate adulthood and make the best of my 20s. I think it’s normal though as I know most people feel the same when they’re in their mid-20s, so I’ve come to terms with the fact that it might not be the best years for a while. Or do you follow the "the best is yet to come" philosophy? Yeah, but I also don’t just depend on the future to be great. I’m able to realize when there’s good things happening in the present too. Does it sometimes feel like your life is being wasted or not going anywhere? Occasionally. Nothing good comes out of those thoughts though, so I never entertain them. Tell me about the last time you were truly, truly happy. Sometime in January. I drove my girlfriend to her place and there was no one home, so we used that time to catch up and talk and watch Titanic haha. Being it was the beginning of the sem, I still didn’t have any class requirements or org deliverables so it was really just an evening to spend time with her. I love moments like those the most because it’s when I’m reminded how much I love having her around. Stage two: Relationships. How long was your longest relationship? My current one, which is running at four years. Though we’ve been linked together for much longer than that, so whenever I wanna impress people a little bit more I also sometimes say six years hahahaha How old were you when you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend? I was 16. Do you (or have you ever) had feelings for the SAME sex? Yes, that’s my situation right now. Do you consider yourself gay or bisexual? How strongly do you feel about it? For a while I thought I was bi because I liked Gab and had small crushes on some guys we were friends with in high school. It was also because everyone in school who also liked girls considered themselves bi, so me thinking I was bi was mostly an environment thing and I just thought I was one of them as well, because it was all I heard about. Through the years other orientations were given awareness, and eventually I found that demisexuality is most fitting for me. Have you ever had your heart broken? Many times in a lot of ways. Did you ever honestly believe you were going to marry your high school bf/gf? I mean, I still think that until now. Is it harder to get dumped or do the dumping? I’ve only been on one side of this so I wouldn’t know how to compare. Have you been able to stay good friends with any of your exes? Yes, but it took a while before we could mend our friendship. We couldn’t talk to each other for a couple of months but we patched things up after realizing our friendship was too important to throw away just because of a breakup. If so, is there any tension (sexual or not) between the two of you? There was, after a short while lol. Hence us getting back together anyway. Would you ever date someone that your friend liked or HAD dated? I wouldn’t do that. When was the last time you were kissed? First week of March. Are you a virgin? Do you believe virginity is "sacred"? No and no. How many times have you been in love? Was it always real? Once and yes. Stage three: Friendships. Would you say that you have a lot of friends? Yep. I’m really glad I’ve met a lot of progress when it comes to this. All I wanted in Grade 6 was one friend and now I have more friends than I ever imagined having, so it feels pretty awesome. Have you ever been considered to be a "loner"? Yeah, throughout elementary and some parts of high school. People would only talk to you if you shared the same interests, and back then I couldn’t find anyone who was like me. It made it hard to talk to anyone period because everyone already had their own set of friends. How often do you hang out with your friends? I obviously can’t now, but before the lockdown I would hang out with at least one friend a day. There’s always at least one person at our org lounge so it was easy to find someone to study with, get street food with, have lunch with, etc. Do you have a specific hang out or house that you go to? Yeah, the org lounge that we call Skywalk. It’s habit for anyone in the org to just drop by there when we have free time, or if we wanna hang out together. If my orgmates and I don’t feel like being at Skywalk, we go to a nearby bar called Tomato Kick. I have another friend group that includes Angela, and for that bunch we typically go to another local bar in the area for cocktails and shisha. Have you ever done anything illegal to help a friend? Other than giving them movie files I’ve pirated...no not really lol If not, would you be willing to? What would be your limit? Eh, I don’t like breaking the rules so I probably wouldn’t go all that far to begin with. Who is your best friend? VERY best. Choose. Angela. Have any of your friends ever stabbed you in the back? Yes, but they’re not my friends anymore. Did you forgive them? Are you still friends? No and no. Are your friends the only people that "get you"? I don’t think so. I’ve become pretty flexible through the years and can mostly adjust depending on who I’m with. Do you think your friends know you better than your own parents? They absolutely do. Have you ever lost a close friend because they died? I didn’t count Nacho as a close friend (cause I’m super particular about that title lol), but he was my friend all the same. Have you ever lost a friend because they gained a bf/gf and dropped you? No, this hasn’t happened. Are your friends your support system? =] Yes. Stage four: Family Life Are both your parents alive? They are. Were you raised by your biological parents? Technically I was raised by my grandma for most of my childhood haha, but yeah both my parents were present. Has your family ever been broken? I have an aunt (dad’s sister) who has had a couple unsuccessful relationships, but nothing in my immediate family. Do you think your parents respect your space? My dad does, which I hugely appreciate. My mom doesn’t know the basic rules of privacy and has never even learned how to knock. She just barges in, which puts me in a sour mood literally every single time she does it. Are you close with you siblings, if you have any? I’m a little close with my sister, like we crack jokes together and never fight and stuff, but not emotionally close. For instance I wasn’t able to physically comfort her when her cat died, but I made sure to flood her Messenger with messages to let her know I cared. I don’t have any relationship with my brother whatsoever. How often does your family fight or have big arguments? We don’t normally fight as a family. It’s mostly me and my mom who butt heads. Does your family hold very high religious beliefs? My mom does... we’re just forced to go along with it because she’s a bit of a brat and if we don’t do things her way, she’ll slam doors and bump against us on purpose, petty shit like that to let her know she isn’t happy. Are you the "black sheep" of your household? I used to be. I was a handful to deal with and there was just a lot of angst inside of me; and I attribute that to the abuse I got from my mom early on, which I’ve never gotten a resolution or closure to. Throughout my teen years she was able to twist the story and surface as the wonderful mother while I was the troubled teen that would never amount to anything, so it definitely looked like I was the black sheep. Thankfully I rose above it as I got older. Have you ever in anger told your parent(s) that you hated them? No. How often are you diciplined or punished or grounded? This has only happened a handful of times. Grounding isn’t common here and as mean as my mom was, she liked sticking to verbal abuse than punishment. The worst thing my parents did was take my gadgets and that only happened like twice. Do you feel like you are allowed to express yourself inside your own home? No. I have a whole-ass four-year relationship my parents have no clue about. Are your parents very controlling of the person "they want you to be"? Nope, they give me freedom which I give them credit for. They never told me what course they wanted me to take in college, what career they want for me, none of that stuff. Your family really does love each other, doesn't it? I guess. It could always be a little more, though. Are you planning to move away when you turn 18? I’m 22 now and I’m still here, so.

#survey #surveys

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skeletonmermaidlife · 5 years

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A “guide” for MLB non french fanfiction writers

First of all you don’t have to read it or take notes of what I’m going to say. You do what you want, fanfiction isn’t meant to be accurate anyway. But I know some mlb fans do researches for their fanfictions so I thought I was gonna help (some people might already know what I’m gonna say anyway).

In France we don’t have fire escapes

We don’t have sororities or stuff like that in our universities, lmao most of them don’t even have dorms (at least mine doesn’t). But there are students associations and sometimes college sport teams but it’s nothing like in the U.S. I think

There are rarely universities dorms but we have things like student residences which are independents from the schools (I’m currently living in one and it’s pretty cool)

French college students and young adults usually don’t own trucks, (I don’t know why in every American teen movies they all have trucks) but if you want to give a cheap car to a character, choose a small car like a 3 doors car or something from an European brand (like Renault or Citroën), that’s usually what French parents give their children (french brands are cheaper obviously since they aren’t imported)

We don’t have Walmart or Target, but we have Franprix, Monoprix or Carrefour

Gallerie Lafayette is a pretty famous and dare I say expensive (but still affordable, do you know what I mean?) fashion boutique and you can buy a lot of different stuff there (clothes, underwear, bags, accessories etc…)

Underage kids don’t legally drink wine or alcohol wtf?

Paris is a pretty dirty city, like I mean obviously it’s a big city and there is a lot of pollution so keep that in mind. And peoples aren’t really nice apparently

Until this year, for the two last years of high school (première and terminale) we had what was called “filières” where basically children had to choose between following a scientific cursus (S), a literary one (L) , or an economic one (ES) (and a lot more but those three were the “general branches”)

Oh and we don’t have prom, or a ceremony at the end of high school (well, we do but it’s often to reward the best students) or stuff like that (some establishment decide to have a prom, like my junior high school, but it’s pretty rare)

At the end of High school we have an exam called the Baccalauréat (or just the bac), we all pass the french exam at the end of the penultimate year (première) + the science exam for literary and economic branches + somes orals, and we had the rest of the other tests in Terminale (philosophy, languages (orals and written exams), sport, history, and math, bio and physics for the S cursus). --> but this year (or next year i don’t remember) there wil be a reform but it seem pretty shitty and I’m not concerned anymore anyway lmao

And I’m going to get murdered for that and I don’t want to clash writers etc but I really don’t like when people put random French words in their English fanfictions? (except french words existing in the english vocabulary (like cliché, fiancé, coup d’état etc) Like you can do it, it’s fine, but… I think it’s unnecessary and it’s personally make me lose my focus when I’m reading. Maybe it’s because I’m French but I mean I would feel the same way if I was reading a book and suddenly there is a random russian word for no reason. I mean, y’all were saying that including Japanese words in Naruto fanfictions was cringe or whatever but when it’s French words it’s not? Maybe it’s a western thing.

Again I don’t want to sound mean, the last part was just my personal opinion you don’t have to acknowledge it at all lol. You do you, I do me, I just never saw someone complain about that before

I just want to help those who want to be accurate in their fanfictions (even if the show itselft isn’t “french” accurate).

I probably forgot a lot of things and made typos so feel free to add stuffs or correct me if you want

If you have any questions please ask :)

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug stuff #MLB #mlb fandom #mlb stuffs #french things #help #i hope it's helpfull #fanfiction #fanfictions stuffs #I don't want to talk about the age of consent in france #help for writers #can help fanartists and comics writers too maybe

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your-iron-lung · 5 years

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Survivor Blues

also available to read on AO3 HERE

You call that a scar? A bruise? A tear? Pillow-marks. Souvenirs.

Story Synopsis: 'What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger' is a philosophy Billy's father has been beating into him for as long as he can remember. If you get hurt, suck it up and walk it off. Take the pain and live with it. Grow with it; let it make you a better person.

Surviving the Mindflayer hurt. He should've been able to adapt to the pain; should've been able to let it shape him and make him stronger, but he can't. It's too much. The pain is too great and all consuming, and Billy has far too many things that need to be healed at once.

In the end, what didn't kill him only makes him wish he'd died.

Word Count: 3416

Pairings: Light Harringrove

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, light angst (but with a happy ending- SOMETHING I DONT USUALLY DO)

Notes: this was just supposed to be a small thing, like, 4 paragraphs max, but it blew up and welp here it is. title comes from the song ‘Survivor Blues (the after hours)’. UHHH ENJOY **************

Surviving hurts.

Laying down, standing up; simply existing hurts him immeasurably. It’s like he can’t get comfortable anymore. Walking, talking, resting, sleeping, eating (especially eating) - anything and everything he does causes him more pain than he knows what to do with. But what else can he do? He’s alive, after all. He survived.

He tries to carry on like nothing’s wrong to prove a point, like, by pretending he’s not in constant pain it’ll somehow prove that he’s still as strong as he used to be, but it makes it all worse. Despair creeps in with the hurt, but before it overwhelms him he adopts it; uses his pain as penance, abuses this new sick form of self-flagellation to try and convince himself that he’s only getting what he deserves for all the hurt he’s caused countless others.

The doctors that saved his life had told him that recovery wouldn’t be easy, but still, Billy thinks, maybe he’d have been better off dying. Some days it hurts even to breathe, and if this is the way he’s going to be for the rest of his life, then he hopes he lives a short one, absolution be damned.

His dad still hits him. It hurts.

For a while after he’d been released from the hospital, things had been fine at home. Tense, but no voices raised. No hands raised. Some semblance of peace descending upon father and son until the bills from the hospital come in and Neil just loses it. Rages for hours. Just yelling, at first, but eventually his hands come flying and Billy is too hurt to escape them.

It becomes routine after that, although Billy notices that his father’s fist is a little bit gentler as it collides into him. Almost like he’s mindful of the places he’s already been hurt, as though by striking him in the places he still feels solid he’s showing his son some kind of mercy. It could be worse. Maybe Billy should be grateful. He isn’t.

Redemption is a far off dream that grows dimmer by the day whenever his father finds cause to blacken his eye.

***

He hears about Harrington through Max occasionally. Sees him around town sometimes when his dad drags him out. It hurts.

Part of that hurt stems from the unresolved things he did to Steve that night at the Byers’ place, but most of it actually stems from the night he almost died- should’ve died. It comes from where he’d been lying prone on the floor of the Starcourt Mall, bleeding out corrupted, blackened blood with Max crying over him. He couldn’t move his head after being impaled by so many cruel appendages, but even as his gaze had been fixed firmly upwards, he’d seen that pretty, pretty face of Steve’s looking down at him from over the railing of one of the upper floors. If Billy remembers right (and he does), Steve had appeared stricken. Horror-struck and dumbfounded. Billy pictures that look of terror on his face and feels his chest constrict painfully, because whenever he sees Harrington around town these days, he looks happy. Content. Like nothing ever happened. It pains him to see that he’s somehow made his life livable despite the things he’s seen, but it hurts more when he realizes Steve doesn’t ever look his way, even though he knows, he must know that Billy is near.

They hadn’t been friends before any of this, but rather, they’d been close to being something more.

***

It feels like he has nothing left to live for. It hurts.

He makes a list one day and runs down all the things he used to take stock in before his flaying and can’t find one single thing that stands up. His looks? Ruined; his body riddled with deep, ugly scars and a stomach devastated by irreversible chemical damage that leaves him barely able to eat anything. His car? Totaled beyond repair when Harrington had to T-bone into it to save those kids’ lives (and even the memory of that hurts). His friends? Tommy H. had gotten out of Hawkins while the getting was good and took Carol with him; probably the only smart thing he’d ever done in his life. High school was over, the crown he’d usurped passed on to the next sniveling bastard in line who wanted to be king.

He’s bitter when he comes to terms with the fact that he has nothing. Has no one. Can’t even tolerate looking himself in the mirror to see what being flayed has done to him. He’s too thin. Torn. Unrecognizable and dead around the eyes, haunted by the things his handler made him do.

His gaze is drawn to the necklace that keeps his Saint medal close to his heart and hates the way that it hangs heavily around his neck. It gets heavier every time he remembers it’s there until finally it feels like the chain it’s looped on is digging into his skin. He takes it off when he can’t stand it any longer; doesn’t think ol’ Saint Christopher can do anything to help him anymore. Hasn’t helped him in a long time, actually, when he thinks about it.

***

He almost kills himself one night. Accidentally, but still as an indirect result of all the accumulated traumas and hurts he’s still struggling to contend with months later. It feels good for once.

Max finds him, of all people. Walks right into his room without knocking to ask if he’s seen something of hers she just can’t seem to find but knows is in the house somewhere. She stops talking as soon as she sees him splayed out on his bed, foamy vomit trickling out of his mouth, empty bottles of beer littering the floor and a stomach full of prescribed pain medications that don’t fucking work.

“It wasn’t on purpose, it just never stops hurting. They don’t help,” he tells her later, after his ruined stomach gets pumped and his dad wails on him for that added cost to his already large hospital tab. “Nothing works. I thought maybe more would.”

She looks at him differently after that. No longer cold. No longer calculated; just thoughtful. Contemplative, but not in the same way where, in the past, she’d had to tread on eggshells around him or he’d hurt her in much the same way Neil hurts him. She becomes surprisingly loyal after that, even after all he’s done to her- done to her friends- and that hurts.

She becomes the support he hadn’t realized he needs. Convinces him to try the recommended physical therapy to hopefully get to a place where it doesn’t hurt for him to simply exist anymore.

“I’ll get a job,” she promises him, knowing full well that whatever place willing to hire a 15 year old won’t pay nearly enough to cover the cost of continual therapy sessions. “We all can; we didn’t know how to help you before, so we didn’t, and I’m sorry, Billy, we were so scared- but we know what we can do for you now. We can help you.”

Her words hurt. At first because she’s confirmed for him what he’s suspected all along: that they hadn’t even tried to help him, but before that old semblance of anger he used to rely on can surface, she’s hugging him, and he realizes that the hurt this time comes from a place of emotional vulnerability too deep within him to pinpoint exactly.

It hurts, is the bottom line- but this time it’s a good kind of hurt. The kind that has him hugging her back.

***

Slowly, he begins to heal. The pain doesn’t lessen, but other things he hadn’t realized were hurt begin to mend.

He gets to know her friends; manages to apologize to Lucas for all the shitty things he’s said and done specifically to him. In turn, they begin to help him, but all the paper routes, lawn mowing gigs, and occasional pet sitting opportunities they take up don’t really amount to much in the long run.

But he still continues healing.

They try to recruit the teens. Nancy gives what she can, but most of the money she makes goes towards traveling costs so she can continue to see Jonathan without having to rely on her parents. Billy refuses to take her money anyway; he’s not a goddamned charity case, but unbeknownst to him she puts what she can afford to spare in Mike’s hand for him anyway. Not that she’d had anything to do with what happened to him, but some people are just good at heart- something Billy hasn’t had a whole lot of experience with.

They don’t hear back from Harrington.

It helps. He heals. It’s close, but it’s not enough.

He still hurts.

They all struggle to get him through the initial assessment appointment with a therapist, and it doesn’t go well. Billy hates it; hates the fact that he has to rely on other people for the betterment of himself, but he doesn’t want to squander all the hard work those damnable kids are doing for him. It drains him. It drains their funds. He doesn’t know what to say when the secretary asks what day she can schedule his next appointment for. He almost tells her ‘never’, but settles for ‘same time next week’ when Max takes his hand in hers and looks up at him with that determined, patented Mad Max gleam in her eye.

She knows as well as he does that they won’t be able to raise enough money in time for it, but he goes anyway when ‘same time next week’ inevitably rolls around. Somehow, miraculously, he’s able to afford it. When he asks Max how that’s possible, she stays suspiciously quiet. A mysterious benefactor has started funding his therapy visits, he realizes.

He hates it. The knowledge that he can’t know who he’s become indebted to hurts what’s left of his pride.

***

Weeks pass and the results of his therapy visits manifest in little ways. He can take deep breaths without his chest and lungs constricting too sharply. It doesn’t hurt as much to walk. On good days he can even laugh without that deep pain blowing up inside him. Not that he laughs all that much anymore.

Max remains quiet whenever he asks her who’s doing this for him.

“A friend,” is all she says whenever he tries to corner her about it.

“I don’t have any friends,” he informs her, to which she shrugs and replies, “You have one.”

He heals. Day by day as he learns the exercises, he heals. But still he wonders who.

Who the hell cares about him that much to help him? Not Neil. Not Susan. Max was already doing her best for him, but her best wasn’t enough. To think that someone out there could care so much about his recovery leaves him feeling oddly funny. He both likes and dislikes it.

The mystery doesn’t stay unsolved for long.

When school starts again, Max can’t go with him to his appointments anymore. She becomes afraid that he won’t go if someone doesn’t go with him to make sure he does (and she might be right about that), and arranges for someone else to take him but declines to say who.

He waits outside on the porch for them, smoking lazily now that it doesn’t hurt him to breathe in deeply anymore. Sunglasses on even though it’s overcast because that fucking thing left its aversion of sunlight in him when it died. Coat on, collar up. Trying to reclaim the air of confidence he used to live by even if he doesn’t quite fill out his clothes like he used to anymore.

He waits until he sees his ride pull up to the curb in front of his house. He lets his cigarette smolder on his lips, lets it burn right down to the filter before he flicks it away as he belatedly comes to understand just who has been helping him.

Harrington honks at him, pokes his head out the window and says, “Shake a leg, Hargrove, let’s get a move on.”

Billy wants to be angry. Wants to be obstinate just because he can, but he’s tired and only has so many spoons left to get through the day with. He goes with him without much of a fuss, but has about a hundred things he wants to say to him as they ride.

It hurts that he can’t get any of them out.

***

Recovery is a slow process.

The drives to his therapist aren’t long, but there’s still room enough to hold a conversation if they ever chose to do so. They don’t.

Neither one of them is able to say anything to the other for days until Steve finally takes the initiative to breach that wide, wide gap that didn’t used to be between them.

“So… I’ve been seeing a guy,” he starts, side-eyeing Billy as he speaks to take stock in his expression.

They’re stuck at a red light that hasn’t turned green for two minutes. It’s divine. It’s torture.

It hurts.

“That’s… nice,” Billy says slowly, unsure of what Steve’s getting at. If it’s relationship advice, he has nothing to give.

“No! No, not like, uh, not like that,” Steve stutters. Drums his fingers against the steering wheel. Nervous. “Not that there’s anything… wrong with that, but, no. Not like that.”

“Okay.”

“More like, your kinda guy.”

“’My kinda guy,” Billy repeats dully.

The light remains red.

“Yeah, like, y’know,” Steve continues, still nervous, face colouring with embarrassment. Still waiting for that light to change. “A therapist, but, like, for my brain, or whatever.”

“A psychiatrist?”

Steve winces at the word, looks away, and rubs the back of his neck.

“Yeah. A psych.”

“Okay,” Billy says again. He doesn’t know where Steve’s trying to take this. A show of solidarity? Some sort of admission?

Steve’s quiet for a moment up until the light finally, blessedly, turns green. The car lurches awkwardly forward in Steve’s enthusiasm to get going.

“Yeah, so, I’ve been seeing a guy.” His fingers never stop tapping, playing out the rhythm of his anxieties. “And we’ve been talking uh, a lot about you.”

“Me?” He’s surprised, then, suspicious. “Why?”

“You keep me up at night.”

But before Billy can ask what the hell that means, they’re there, and Steve’s already wishing him good luck.

***

He’s lying in bed later that night, reveling in the fact that it no longer hurts to do so when Max knocks and enters. She’s holding something big and boxy in her hand and looks kind of confused about it. A little awkward.

“It’s for you,” she says and waits for him to sit up and take the bulky two-way radio from her.

“What?” he asks stupidly, turning it over in his hands.

Max shrugs. “He said he wanted to talk to you.”

“Who?”

“See for yourself. Give it back when you’re done,” she says, and then leaves.

He waits to hear her footsteps pattering down the hall, back to her room, before he presses down on the communication button uncertainly.

“That you, Harrington?”

“Don’t cream yourself. Yeah, it’s me.”

A ghost of a smile works its way across Billy’s face at the familiar words. He takes a seat on the side of his bed, holds the radio close to where his medallion used to hang.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do this in person,” Steve says, his voice coming through in crackles and static. Still legible. Still determined. Billy ignores the pounding of his heart. “When I said that you keep me up at night, what I meant was…”

Billy hears him sigh before trying to finish his thought.

“What I meant was that I kept seeing your body on the floor at the mall whenever I closed my eyes, and not being able to do anything about it. I started having dreams where you actually fucking died or some shit and I got all fucked up about it when I remembered how close we were to being- well, you know. But I couldn’t figure out why that kept happening; it’s not like any of that shit was my fault, right?”

“No,” Billy agrees, swallowing hard. “Wasn’t your fault.”

He thinks he can hear Steve exhale a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, so, I don’t know why but it just kept sticking with me. I started losing sleep because you were always there. I didn’t even know you were involved at all until-”

“Until I tried to kill those kids.” Billy finishes his sentence for him, trying his best to ignore the lump forming in his throat as he says it.

“That wasn’t you,” Steve says quickly, and gives Billy a moment to collect himself. “It wasn’t. But, I thought maybe if I just, I don’t know, avoided you, then maybe the nightmares would stop.”

A slight blossom of anger. He quickly discards it; that’s not what they need right now. “Did they?”

“No.”

The lump in his throat doesn’t go away. He swallows it down, but then it grows and starts to take up space in his chest. It pushes down the anger, and pushes the hurt he’s been internalizing up and out. His eyes grow wet. He blinks the tears back.

“I ignored you for so long,” Steve says in a hushed whisper.

“I know,” Billy replies and tries to keep the hurt that’s threatening to bubble out of his throat down.

“And then Max told me you tried to kill yourself-”

Steve’s voice catches, and Billy can hear the hurt that starts spilling out of him. He’s crying. Billy sniffs and stops blinking his own tears back.

“It was an accident,” he tries to tell him, but his voice gives out part-way through. “It was an accident,” he repeats as he clears his throat. Hot tears begin to streak down the sides of his face. “I didn’t mean to.”

“I didn’t know what to do. I tried to talk to Robin but she said she couldn’t do for me what a therapist could, but I’ve always heard that that shits for crazy people, and I’m not crazy, just miserable and then Max came to talk to me about you again and I just. Saw my chance, I guess.”

Billy holds the radio in one hand and his head in the other. He can feel a headache coming on. Steve rambles on, about how the guilt he feels manifests the horrific visions of Billy lying dead on the ground in that shitty mall and how his shrink suggested that maybe just talking to Billy about it might help.

“I could’ve killed you that night,” Steve says at the end of his rant, sniffling uncontrollably. His voice sounds hoarse, but at least they’ve both stopped crying. “I almost drove right into you.”

“You kinda did. Eye for an eye, though. Guess that makes us equal,” Billy replies, and Steve laughs.

His laugh is cheery despite the dark tones of their conversation. Light. It lifts Billy up.

“It could’ve been way worse, though.”

“Yeah,” Billy agrees, breathing deeply. His eyes feel crusty with dried tears. He wipes at them and feels how sore they are. “Yeah, you could’ve missed. You wouldn’t be so sorry if you had.”

Steve gets really quiet at that. Billy knows that Steve knows he’s right. He would’ve killed them if Steve hadn’t done what he did, but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurt the both of them when he’d had to resort to such drastic measures.

“But I didn’t.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“You survived.”

“So did you.”

“Fuck it. I miss you, Billy. I wasted so much time trying to get over the part of you I thought had died.”

They stay up all night after that. Just talking. Catching up, making amends. Healing.

The conversation only ends when Billy realizes Steve’s fallen asleep on his end. He’d been slowing down gradually as the hours passed, so it doesn’t come as a surprise, but still Billy wishes they could’ve talked more.

And they can, he understands. They can talk the whole rest of their lives away if they wanted to, because they survived. He sets the radio down on the floor beside his bed and slips in between the sheets. He closes his eyes and smiles. They survived.

When he wakes up, he realizes he no longer hurts.

#harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #harringrove fic #hurt/comfort #light angst #some mature themes #happy ending

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arlingtonpark · 5 years

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SNK 115 Review

nickyoung_confused.gif edition

Point in favor of Levi being alive: Note how he was found. He was lying on the banks of the river perpendicular to the shore. Remember, the last panel in the last chapter seemed to indicate he was going to land in the river. This implies he survived the explosion and was able to swim to shore. That means Hange was lying about him dying instantaneously from the blast, and from there we can infer she’s also lying about his current condition.

Point against Levi being alive: note how Isayama draws his eyes. They’re blackened out, like they’ve been removed completely. This is exactly the same way he drew Zeke’s eyes when he was dead.

My best guess is that Levi survived the explosion and was able to make it ashore, but lost consciousness shortly before Hange found him. If he isn’t dead now, he will be soon. I’m not holding my breath.

But if Levi IS alive right now, he definitely should be. Drowning is traditionally not helpful treatment for the severely wounded.

Last chapter was about Zeke’s origins, but in hindsight, it plays a lot like the first part of a two part special. 114 and 115 are basically a double length chapter as far as I’m concerned. Together, they tell Zeke’s story.

And it’s very enlightening about Zeke’s character.

Perhaps the most interesting new element to Zeke’s character is his loneliness. Zeke…is lonely. It’s a lonely place at the top (of Mount Psychopath). His father never loved him and he knew it. He loved and trusted Mr. Xaver more than his own flesh and blood. After biting Mr. Xaver’s head off, Zeke calls him father, as he should.

The relationship between these two people is quite something. They gave each other the loving relationship they weren’t able to have on their own, and together, with full faith and conviction, they concocted a truly despicable plan. They’re bound together in sickness and in health.

Suicide and euthanasia are touchy subjects, so I won’t go into them here, but I will say this:

Euthanasia without consent. Is. Murder.

They call this the “euthanasia plan” but that’s just good branding. Their plan is to murder the Eldian race. It doesn’t matter if this is an act of mercy, as the word euthanasia implies, if it is done without the approval of the subject, it’s murder. The Eldian people, of course, cannot consent to this because there is no one body or individual with that authority.

The only two people who could conceivably make that call are Historia, the reigning Eldian monarch, or Eren, as bearer of the Founding Titan. Zeke is just some rando who took it upon himself to genocide a whole swathe of the population. He clearly has grandiose delusions.

This plan also reveals a very odd facet of Zeke’s thinking. He seems to view the Eldian people as a singular entity. And I mean, yeah, they are all connected to each other through the Founding Titan, but it still says a lot about Zeke that he describes his goal as a “euthanasia” (a thing that is done to individuals) instead of as a “genocide” (a thing that is done to groups and what his plan actually is). He seems to have taken it to heart that the Eldians are just an extension of the Founding Titan.

This truly is a deranged plan. The way of thinking that underlies the euthanasia plan is basically a kind of anti-hedonism. Anti-hedonism would be the idea that painful events are inherently bad and that there is no such thing as an inherently good event. No such thing as an inherently good event.

Zeke doesn’t believe in inherently good events.

There are only things that cause us pain, like having a shitty dad, and things that serve to diminish that pain, like playing catch, but those events are not good in themselves. Thus, the only intrinsically valuable things to gain from living are things that have intrinsically negative value, so we’re all better off dead.

If that sounds stupid, that’s because it is. This is a really fucking stupid idea. Believing in this means believing that pain now for the sake of happiness in the future is nonsensical.

Because happiness has no value in itself, but pain does have value in itself (negative value, that is) the concept of sacrifice does not compute. This is probably why Zeke couldn’t understand the sacrifice the Survey Corps made at Shighanshina, or for that matter why Levi was willing to sacrifice his fellow soldiers.

Enduring pain for the sake of happiness makes no sense when pain is inherently meaningful and happiness isn’t.

But the idea that there is never any reason to make sacrifices is ridiculous.

And another thing: why doesn’t Zeke bring his plan to its natural conclusion? If death is preferable to living, then why not use the power of the Founding Titan to just kill all the Eldians up front?

It would be easy. He could alter Eldian biology so that oxygen was poisonous to them.

Why not? If non-existence is the best state of being, why not just kill them all?

But that’s the biggest indictment of Zeke’s plan. The logic behind Zeke’s plan leads you to one unavoidably dumb conclusion:

Murder is cool.

Killing people is cool because life is suffering. Zeke is what you get when you take edgelord teen philosophy to its logical extreme.

Except that’s obviously not true. Happiness/pleasure/fulfillment/what have you are clearly inherently worthwhile, and so long as that is true, living will always be preferable to death. The reason why is because of opportunity cost.

Opportunity cost refers to the benefits you miss out on by choosing to do one thing over another. If you die, then you miss out on the happiness you would have enjoyed had you lived. If the opportunity cost of dying is greater than the cost of living, then living is preferable to death.

But in the end, all this talk of preferring death over life is beside the point because that’s not even what Zeke’s plan involves. Zeke’s plan is not to literally euthanize all Eldians, it is to sterilize them so their race dies out in 100-aught years.

That’s genocide.

The enforced sterilization of a whole people is genocide. Not just colloquially, but even legally. The crime of genocide was first defined by the Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide, which entered into force in 1951.

Article 2(d) is very clear:

“[G]enocide means any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group, as such: […] Imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group.”

The idea that destroying a whole group of people is immoral is based on the notion that life is inherently worth protecting. But of course, Zeke doesn’t believe in this. See: all the bodies he leaves in his wake.

Yes, Zeke’s logic is that life has more pain than pleasure, but this logic only works if you also assume the positive aspects of life have no intrinsic value. The euthanasia plan is just as much a product of Zeke’s psychopathy as it is a product of his ideology.

It’s not that Zeke is a psychopath because he thinks death > living, it’s that he thinks death > living because he’s a psychopath.

Speaking of dumb things Zeke believes, I looooove the meeting between him and Eren.

Eren feeds Zeke this obviously dumb line poo-pooing the Eldians for making them kill innocent people by existing and Zeke is in tears because yes, finally, someone gets it!

Eldians never should have been born; because they were, I have to kill innocent people in furtherance of my ideology that Eldians never should have been born.

...

Wait.

Eren’s statement makes no sense at all, but Zeke “11/10 intelligence” Jeager has his head so far up his ass he doesn’t even see it. Dude is so overjoyed that someone is finally stupid enough to see things his way he starts crying.

And I’m crying too. Because of how sad this is.

Eren obviously doesn’t believe what he’s saying. Zeke just wants someone in his life who understands him and he thinks he’s finally found that someone. But he truly is alone. I might actually feel bad for him when it all falls apart for him.

Eren is almost certainly playing him. Eren fights for freedom. I think the kind of freedom he supports is shallow, but ultimately freedom to Eren entails living, so there is no way he’s actually on board with this plan.

Eren siding with Zeke essentially makes him a proponent of the King Fritz School of sinful atonement, and unless a substantial flashback is in the offing, there’s no way such a drastic change in his character would happen off screen.

Another interesting new element is Zeke’s view of the titans. He seems to believe that titans aren’t the problem, it’s the people who abuse them. It’s a take on the “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” line you see sometimes. It’s not the tool, but the people who use it.

But it also seems Zeke has no faith in people (what a surprise) and that the only way forward is to deprive them of those tools completely. He sees humans in puerile terms, as hopelessly immature. And as far as the story is concerned, he’s right.

Yelena makes the point that power invites temptation for abuse. Having titans at your disposal gives you power over others and people have abused that power throughout history.

But Yelena is a hypocrite. She was known for abusing people she took captive. And now, having won power over Pixis and his men, she has decided to impose a caste system on them.

Paradisians must now wear armbands that denote when they swore allegiance to Zeren. And because the time of your swearing determines your station, these armbands are also a status symbol. They indicate your status in the new social order. For the people who surrendered last, it is a form of public humiliation. It’s cruelty.

It’s also what the Marleyans did to the Eldians, and Yelena thinks this was a good policy. Reminding the lower classes of their place is a good thing to her.

I think the point of this anecdote is to show how hopeless humanity is. I don’t know where the story is going with this. My sense is that Isayama is going for an absurdist moral to the story.

Such a moral would look something like this: life is a grueling struggle that you will ultimately lose. But you should keep struggling because that is the only way to rebel against the cruelty of the world.

Isayama did say in an interview that certain philosophies have influenced him, and Albert Camus’ absurdism is one of the more well-known philosophies.

During their meeting, Eren mentioned how Grish killed children. And Eren killed children too, so let’s delve back into this in light of what Eren said.

It’s awful whenever anyone dies, but not all killings are immoral. There are exceptions, and those exceptions depend on your ethical framework.

The one that SNK appeals to the most is a form of consequentialism. Consequentialism, to put it simply, is the idea that actions are moral if they make the world a better place. By what measure depends on the specific kind of consequentialist theory you believe in. And ONLY the consequences matter. Nothing else.

There is nothing wrong with having a consequentialist worldview. If those children had to die to save those people, then killing them was not wrong, provided Grisha didn’t act with any malice.

But there are other ways to judge. One of them is by applying the Principle of Double Effect.

The double effect principle states that actions are not immoral even if a bad result comes of it if the bad result is a side effect of the action. (In the past, “double effect” referred to what we now call a side effect)

The principle of double effect is often misunderstood, so I want to be clear here: it is not the idea that it is ok to do a bad thing if it will lead to a good outcome. The bad result must be incidental to the action, not a direct result of it.

The exact criteria varies, but it usually goes something like this:

The action must be inherently good or at least morally neutral.

The person committing the act must merely permit the bad result to occur. It cannot be intended.

The bad result must not be a direct result of the action. It can only be incidental.

The good result must adequately compensate for the bad result.

If these criteria are met, the Principle states the action was a moral one.

For example, when confronting the Female Titan during the expedition, Erwin kept many soldiers in the dark about his true plans, and many died because they didn’t know what they’d be dealing with. Was that wrong?

No, it wasn’t. Many soldiers died, yes, and Erwin certainly foresaw that would happen, but that was incidental to his decision. Erwin Smith bears no burden for their deaths.

Now think about what Grish did.

He killed children because they were royalty and he wanted to eliminate the possibility that the Founding Titan could be reclaimed by them.

By the criteria of double effect, this is clearly immoral. Grish intended for them to die. He wanted it to happen. And their deaths were not incidental to Grish’s decision to kill them.

Needless to say, people die when they are killed.

Grish killed them for a good cause, but committing a bad act in pursuit of a good goal is impermissible under double effect.

Now what about Eren?

Eren wanted to launch an attack on the Marleyan government and he did it from the basement of a building. He did it by transforming into a titan while in the basement. He knew there were people in the building and he foresaw they would die if he transformed. He did it anyway. During the attack, people in the crowd were also killed. Was that wrong?

Yes, it obviously is.

Killing people and provoking the world’s militaries was the entire point of the attack.

Eren wanted them to die.

And it’s not like these people were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Never forget that Eren used the people in the building as shields first. By threatening to transform and kill them if provoked.

Eren intended for them to be in a position to die if he transformed, which he was planning to do anyway all along. They died when he transformed because Eren wanted it to be that way.

Honestly, I’m not even sure Eren’s actions were ok even from a consequentialist perspective. Yeah, his plan may make the world better off, but there’s something to be said about necessity.

Did those children really have to die to make this plan work? Why is it necessary to gather a coalition of the world’s militaries at Paradis? That’s the only part of Zeren’s plan that remains to be revealed.

I don’t like how the series implies a choice between Grish being right and Zeke being wrong and Grish being wrong and Zeke being right.

Grish’s actions are controversial. At. Best.

This series tries to push the line that people need to do bad things to bring about a good ending. I still have flashbacks to Armin’s “Erwin is a bad person for doing what needs to be done” speech in the Female Titan Arc. It’s dumb and it makes no sense.

You can’t be a bad person for doing the right thing. You just can’t. It’s impossible. I don’t have to explain why, do I?

No?

Okay, good.

So in other news.

Congratulations everyone! If you had “Zeke dies but comes back in a reference mashup of Star Wars and Jesus’ Resurrection,” come on down to collect your winnings! Now I wonder if Luke emerged naked from the taun taun 🤔

Seriously wtf?

What’s great about this chapter is how well it does subtle comedy.

Zeke emerges from that titan and the rain stops. The clouds part and a naked Zeke is bathed in rays of light as he emerges from his titan incubator. :D

Zeke is asked what happened and he straight up has no idea. Hard cut to him looking on in bewilderment as a girl molds his body out of dirt. :DD

Eren says he wants Gabi to help him flush out the Marleyans who’ve infiltrated the walls. Pieck is standing right behind him. XDDD

It’s disturbing how Eren apparently can’t be bothered to learn Gabi’s name. To him, she’s just the brat who killed Sasha.

Sasha is dead and Eren was her friend. He has every right to be upset. To be upset at Gabi. But that’s no license to disrespect her person by refusing to learn her name. Mr. Braun has shown that.

Eren has only ever called Gabi “that girl who killed Sasha.” That sends a clear signal. That signal is that this is all she is to him. It’s dehumanizing and it’s why I hope that through it all, Eren will not be elevated by the story by being made into the ultimate hero of it.

He is just such an asshole.

#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #snk 115 #spoilers

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