#I like my job and my great job security
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Work is absolutely crushing me with things to do and me (and my whole team to be fair) don't have a moment to breathe now, they keep dumping work on us over the weekend so just now we went from 1,000 things for our team of 12 to complete to 10,000. And with our work's contract the things need to be done within 10 days and many of them are aged to "day 5" due to how they DID THIS LAST WEEK TOO
It's giving me tendinitis flare ups and I'm just like. Handling it!!!!!! I'm handling it it's fine I can do it the stars are testing me also sometimes they'll give us overtime but idk how that'll work now that I work 10 hour shifts I'd have to work on my day off. I'd do it lol. Just come in a few hours.... for money....
MAYBE SOMEDAY IT'LL STOP
#I mean I've gotten 2 raises this year#I like my job and my great job security#like the company I work for a lot#just.... man when they do this.... man#also to be fair when this happens#management constantly sends us encouragement and appreciation and tells us how great we are. lol.
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College (uni??) AU catering to my own interests as it should always be hehe :)
#projecting my major on Vash because them mfs who have changed from the med field majors to that one have some tragic things to tell#and also because I think that Vash would be such a wonderful designer I don’t know why it’s a gut feeling#Nai the law major because of course he would have you seen the guy#he would be a personal injury lawyer because lore#fun fact Nai rested for a semester after the incident with Vash while Vash took two.He never told Nai he would be changing majors#so it was a big big shock for him. they fought again but yk I’ll explain more on that if anyone is interested#as to Kni and WW I thought it’d be funny if they shared a common subject that required a lot of team assignments#and they can NEVER work out together. being an absolute nightmare to the rest of their group#separately they are great to work with. even if Kni can come off as too bossy sometimes he is actually a great leader#and WW would always deliver things on time exactly as it was asked from him#but Kni and WW just never really matched. Kni was too rude at times when WW made a mistake and WW would always clock him if he passed a line#like insulting his reasons for wanting to study security#one day Kni tells him at the beginning of a new semester where they both have unfortunately landed on a shared subject again#“you are not suited for that sort of job Wolfwood. you should simply give up and why don’t you go play role model to your little kids’’#then WW beats him again and then is like hey yk what you’re kinda right. and changed majors and he feels so much more at home studying#education/teaching than security. he fucking hates some things but the end goal makes it worthy#Trigun Uni! AU#because I don’t know how differently a college and a uni work#trigun#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun stampede#vashwood#trigun fanart#wolfwood#vash#Nai saverem#millions knives#lenssi draws#pen!
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the thing is, i know realistically that full time jobs take up a lot of people’s time, but that’s also hard for me to put in perspective while working full time AND doing school AND volunteering a bunch. Like. i very literally have no free time right now and the idea of ONLY working 40 hours a week sounds so luxurious to me… Like. imagine if work (that stayed at work) was my ONLY responsibility… if i could just come home and lounge?? unfair. obscene, even.
#i would be SO much more chill and get sooooo much reading done!#maybe i could even watch a show or something????#but nooooooooo#gotta work work work all day long#at least i’m getting enough sleep#early bedtimes ARE something i’ve stuck to#could i be getting more done if i stayed up later? sure.#but it’d be lower quality and i’d be even LESS coherent for it#so it’s much better to get the sleep#maybe in 2029 i will know peace… (planning to finish my Master’s degree by 2028 at the latest)#just give me a secure full-time job with benefits and NOTHING ELSE#i’ll keep volunteering as much as i can but like. i just need DOWNTIME… literally ANY would be great#i had 101 assignments due in eight weeks this semester - that is fucking CRIMINAL#LET ME LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE 😭😭
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I may be considering the crime of... Getting a business degree 🤢
#i Like my new job where i get to play in excel all day and i also like having financial security for the first time in my adult life#i was originally thinking about switching my major to sociology bc its another area that im interested in#but my mom may have talked me into considering a business degree as an option since sociology isnt a great fallback option...#the thought of majoring in business makes me gag tbh. but i mean... i DO like data analysis and there IS a masters for data analysis#and the bachelors degree in information systems would teach me new things about computers which might be cool#and they have an international business program that links in advanced study of foreign languages and cultures#and theres even a certificate program for sustainability that includes direct work with grassroots programs#AND all of this is intentionally made to be accessible to people who are already in the work field so i wouldnt need to quit my job...#...all of this plus a sociology minor (or double major if i can pull it off) is starting to look pretty good actually#BUT... can i withstand the pain of spending the next few years in classrooms full of business majors 🤔#real talk tho i was wanting to use my social work degree to go into policy anyways which could mean government OR corporate#...if i get a business major i could potentially speedrun the process of getting into corporate policy to make a difference that way#and my sociology minor (or major) would still support that#fuckin. trojan horse the companies i guess#i am rotating the idea in my mind with the emotional state of that gif of someone trying kombucha for the first time#rambling
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I love the sims 2 because it will completely wreck your shit right when you’re least expecting it
#i’ll set the scene for you: i’m doing the prosperity challenge (basically a challenge where you create a number of completely randomised#families and you play them in rotation. rules vary but generally the goal is to make all your sims as successful as possible#and it’s meant to add some variety and drama to the game)#so i’ve played through the first four families which were all some variation of either grandparents or teenagers looking after kids#just because that’s how my rolls fell. so i got to the last house which was just one adult man and i was like okay.#i JUST need an heir out of him. just ONE. and things were going great! he already had a boyfriend (the random uncle of the first family#i played realllly liked him and i was like ‘this might as well happen’) so i had them try for baby. then his dream job (slacker lol)#came up in the newspaper on the FIRST DAY and he kept getting promoted! i also had him adopt a stray dog i thought was cute#his pregnancy went unbelievably well. he only passed out while eating one time. i allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security#and then mans ✨WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND GAVE BIRTH TO QUADRUPLETS✨#look this is honestly on me for downloading the triplets and quads mod. i don’t even know why i do it. just for the risk factor?#regardless there was only a 3% chance for this and yet it STILL happened. on the first birth in the neighbourhood no less!!!!!#bear in mind this man is living in a 2 bedroom starter home; has one paycheque (GROCERY STORE CLERK) AND he’s just spent a bunch of money#on his new dog. and we can’t exactly sell the dog’s stuff because it’s essentials#i managed to find the money for 4 cribs and a nanny fucking Somehow. and then carnage ensued#i don’t think this man bathed for 3 days. i got the dog a job and then realised it got weekends off so wouldn’t be going#aging them all up into toddlers aged ME. i think they’re technically classified as some being a day older than the others but idc#i’ll rectify it at the next birthday. or at one of their birthdays anyway#it was just SO messy. next rotation should be better though??? i had him marry the kids’ other father (who is an elder so will probably be#around approximately 5 minutes) who bought in exactly £5 but at least there’s an extra person to change diapers and get bottles#i see a lot of nannies in these kids’ future i fear#personal
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#I started a basic coding course today#its online but it does have due dates and interactive parts each week which is great for me#I am not a great self-starter and we gotta work with our brains#but just thinking about my motivations to do this and obvi I am interested in it and learning something new is good#and I’ve learned over the past six months that I need some consistency/security to make me happy so I’ve got a job change again in my futur#(and being on a schedule that is different from so many of my friends has been tough)#But another more unexpected reason is that there are things I wanna do? things that often cost money and I just wanna be able to say#Hey you also wanna do this thing I wanna do? Great I’ve booked it let’s go!#But isn’t that the dream for so many of us to just like not worry about money#so maybe I’ve learned nothing new lol#but anyway the class intro seemed good so let’s hope it all goes well 🤞✌️
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"Oh, Jack. You silly boi. You know that help at the top of the stairs is no help at all."
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Art piece i may delete later about my parents offering money to me and my sisters to pay for either grad school (a thing I don't want and can't do with my disability) or my wedding (also a thing I don't need/want), but not for anything that would actually help me escape poverty and find stable housing and income.
Like, I recognize the privilege of being able to complain that my parents have offered me a bunch of money but in the wrong way.
But also if that money is on top of a flight of stairs that I can't climb (but my sisters can), then I haven't really been offered money, so much as I have watched money I need be placed somewhere I can't reach it. Which tbh feels worse than if it was never mentioned to me in the first place.
I was gonna send this art to them and i wrote this big long message to go with it, but then I decided to wait until my therapy session on Tuesday to talk it thru with her first, since I've literally never regretted doing that.
Besides, both of my parents are lawyers and right now they're providing me and my friends with a lot of free legal advice about this property we're trying to buy together, so I don't want to rock the boat currently.
I just wish I knew if I had access to that money as a poor person in need of stable housing and quality disability care, and I wish my parents weren't world-class hLepers who have a long and triggering history of engaging me in rigorous debate about the kind of help I should be allowed to receive from them as a disabled person.
Nothing like having to provide an argument that would hold up in court every time I'm sick and need help! Love that! Love that I can't even talk about money with them now without having invasive thoughts about it for days to come due to past incidences in which this repeated behavior of theirs literally endangered my life!!
Not like I need that mental capacity for working on the largest and most exciting opportunity of my life that also happens to line up with my hopes and dreams for the future!! It's fine!! What do I even need mental capacity for anyway?????
This wouldn't even be the first time this little Distrust Fund has caused problems for my relationship with my parents. They are very opposed to that money being used to help my disability and it has caused PROBLEMS for us that we have never quite recovered from.
It's just difficult to be reminded that although our relationship has gotten better (mostly thanks to me setting boundaries), that doesn't mean they now actually believe what I need for my disability when I tell them.
They really do love me, and they have only ever acted with the best of intentions . But good intentions cease to matter when the impact is harmful and repeated. And they have proven to be repeatedly incapable of providing non-ableist support for me again and again and again. They've even genuinely tried to learn; and sometimes it really seems like my mom has made progress with her therapist (who is disabled), but who knows when I can so jarringly be reminded of how quickly that toxic ableist thinking can show its ugly face.
It's so clear to me and they don't even know it's there.
It feels like I'm in a horror movie when I try to get them to understand their own ableism, and that is a good good sign that I may want to consider an approach that minimizes my mental damage instead. Even if it means I don't get their stupid, deeply-conditional-and-yet-the-conditions-are-SO-vague-and-they-won't-admit-it money.
#original#diary#ableism#ableism cw#if they actually trusted me they'd just give me the fucking money but WHATEVER#maybe it's cause of all those times i was really reckless and irresponsible with money-- OH WAIT. THAT HAS LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED#I GRADUATED BUSINESS SCHOOL WITH HONORS AND HAVE NEVER HAD ISSUES WITH OVER-SPENDING#maybe they subconsciously think I'm stupid w money bc I'm poor. but i doubt my sisters could just get the whole lump sum either.#I HAVE BEEN LIVING FRUGALLY MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE YOU BASTARDS#I would say there's a 5% chance they pleasantly surprise me but I have to be careful not to spend too much energy on it#the invasive thoughts around my family's ableism are super aggressive and constant when they start#and so i would rather have no help than that stinky-ass hLep that hurts my brain and heart so bad for days after#hLep#anyway i don't want their help paying for a wedding bc i am housing insecure with no income and so is my wife#and besides that wedding planning is hard and stressful and involves either including or snubbing relatives i don't like#so like if you offer me thousands of dollars i would be like Great! More savings means more safety and security!#i would NOT be like Okay time to spend $2000 on fucking flowers I have SHIT GOING ON#if i have a wedding then the cost will be the cost of pizza for all the guests.#also govt says i can't get married or i lose my disability payments so ryan and I just decided we are married years ago#i need SO much disability care equipment that i don't have and i am unable to hold a standard full time job#but yeah sure maybe I'll go get another DEGREE despite my interests being completely non academic. fuck OFF.#i have been writing or making art about this all evening this is not how I wanted to spend the evening it is past 4am#hopefully this processing and drawing and journaling will allow me to remove this issue from the very forefront of my mind#it's a careful line to walk between processing and obsessing. but good processing helps you stop obsessing#hopefully I can save some of the more painful parts of this for therapy so I can focus on other stuff for the next couple days#listen if interacting with someone in a certain way makes you feel like you're in a horror movie then something needs to change#and sometimes the change is that we need to make literal and emotional distance between us and those people bc they aren't learning#okay okay time for edibles and a shower i fuckin earned it and even if i didn't I can do whatever I fucking want 👌#and also I deserve nice things by default#and so do you
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I don’t have any anxiety whenever boss goes like ‘hey let’s talk’ because it’s historically been ‘you’ve been doing SO good and you have been SO helpful, do you want to get paid for doing something extra’ lmao. sure I love praise and money
#my ramblings#[flips hair] can’t help being good at my job#great timing too I was kinda thinking I gotta look at ways to earn more money and feel more secure#like I’m never in dire straits but it’s hard to. yknow. Actually Accumulate Money When You Have To Spend It To Live
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Month 9, day 21
Refined the shading on Knell's bottom right wing tonight :) Subtle differences are subtle, but I think it pops a bit more now and I like it :D
#the great artscapade of 2023#art#my art#forspoken#forspoken fan art#forspoken oc#forspoken original character#oc: knell#I um took a much longer bath than anticipated tonight >.>#and when I was done I had to discuss something with my roommate#I got offered a job paying *up to* $40/hr#but that $40/hr isn't guaranteed and it's only a five month contract with a *potential* for hire#I like the job I have now (inasmuch as I can like any job I have)#and it's secure#my boss is not getting rid of me and with the way our contracts work HR CANNOT intervene#unless I do something illegal but like that's obvious#fortunately existing as a queer person is not illegal in the state of nebraska (yet)#anyway we decided that risking unemployment in five months isn't worth $40/hr in the short term#especially since there's no guarantee that I would get that $40/hr and there's less guarantee that I'd be hired on full-time#$40/hr tempts me but I've gotta think about the future#...anyway I got dice today! :D#five new sets plus a pound of defective dice lol#most of the defects were inclusions that sat funny so they might throw off the balance#they require testing if I want to use them for serious campaigning#some of them had too much paint slightly more of them had not enough paint others had zero paint#my favorites are the two completely blank smooth on all six faces d6 dice :)#a few other die had smooth faces as well but those two in particular are just... cubes#I love them XD#but more importantly I had half a dozen dice with whales in them and they remind me of my friend Feather who loves whales so I love the dice#I'll be getting a quality controlled set of them next time I order :D
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well
#am actually slightly worried about money now oopsie#i didn’t realize my car door had to be fixed prior to my mot. so now that has to happen.#and then moving is always expensive…… like i’m already a grand out just to secure an apartment#and this month i will have two weeks no pay because i’m between work……..#goodbye to my very minimal savings ig#this is…….. not great#god i hope my car won’t be that expensive to fix like it’s the back door and if i ever had people in the back i would fix it#because that’s a massive safety issue#but i never have anyone back there!! so it doesn’t matter!!!#anyways big oof#and with my new job i’m getting a pay bump but my rent is nearly doubling and i’ll actually have to spend gas money now#eep i do not want to think about this#fish.txt
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Girl help, my favorite professor called to talk to me about an old paper I wrote and now I'm completely reconsidering my career plan to sell out
#maybe I can actually hack it as an essayist? maybe my career can be creatively fulfilling? maybe I am a good writer????#we stan financial security and my anxiety is too bad for serious risk taking professionally but I could actually do some work on the side#while at my current job. its very doable. ill need a shitton more therapy but i think i could do it#if it pans out into an actual professional shift great. if not im still doing creatively fulfilling work and maybe making a lil extra on#the side and at least that way i wont spend my life feeling like i gave up on my dreams and aspirations#anyway English professors my beloveds
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statewide work conference destroyed my faith in humanity and then the bus ride home with my coworkers restored it. 💕💕
#literally spent the whole day half-dissociated and overstimulated and despondent#and then we ride back and literally the WHOLE BUS (kindly) bullies me into getting a smoothie when we stopped for gas#and i have some great convos about interpretation with my coworker#AND i have a super long and detailed conversation with the president of our friends group#about how i’m apparently a natural-born People-Influencing Person who should leverage those skills going forward#and how she’s working on a push to try to get better pay and job security for positions like mine and can use my help#in gathering testimonies and getting people organized#and like. !!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!#(the fact that i was twisted around like a pretzel to talk to her the entire time and felt MASSIVELY carsick afterwards is beside the point#it was literally just so good… i am full of love#i truly love and appreciate my coworkers so much it is UNREAL#i have to make cards for them or something…#they deserve the world and then some
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i don’t believe in the lottery but i do usually play towards the end of the year just for a laugh and the next euromillions draw has a £23m jackpot so if i win i’ll buy you all a ps5 or whatever
#i’d be SUCH a great lottery winner bcus i don’t really care about looking rich#i’d buy a house and decorate it however i want but that’s like. the only Big purchase ever gonna make. i don’t drive i don’t need a car.#i like my little retail job#don’t particularly care about fancy branded clothes or bags or shoes#idk i’d just. carry on living my life but in a house i own and with all the financial security i could ever dream of having and like.#that’s all i’d ever want.
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So I haven't paid any attention to this chatgpt thing until watching john oliver, been mostly focused on the ethical shitstorm around art ai, but holy fuck am I glad I'm not trying to teach English anymore. Just thinking about having to sift through clearly plagiarized essays AND artificially generated ones? No fuckin thanks, man
#kite rambles#I chose to be a teacher because I couldn't think of anything else and I liked learning#I chose english teacher because job security: ALWAYS need that subject and I'm not so great at maths#I did not fathom the state of education today and ho leeeeee fuck I'm a little glad I got out when I did#love how my typing online slowly devolves to a state where you probably wouldn't guess I was an english teacher#capitalize proper nouns? naw#end punctuation? only if I need it
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the way i would just. do research as a job for the rest of my life. if it were a financially secure job.
#i fucking love doing research#doing my assignments for uni is so fun and i have such a great time#literally my ideal job would be to just be a full-time researcher#but it's fucking hard to do so for now i'm just thinking i should just study oposiciones and become a museum curator or something like that#if someone offers me a secure research job i would take it tho#like i would literally move to the other side of the world if that's what it takes
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when i was younger i learned never to set up auto pay for anything in case you ever don't have the money to cover it but now we have auto pay set up for all our big bills without having to worry about if the money's in there and it really is such a strange feeling when you've grown up poor
#sometimes it feels like imposter syndrome#like my family struggled my whole life#but now i can auto pay rent insurance and car note#julia and i both grew up poor so we do our best to watch our money#like we obsessively budget and track where everything's going#we think the biggest think from our childhood is that our parents didn't know how to manage their money#so we do our best#even now my parents are better off since my dad got the job he still has when i was in high school#but still they're not great with their money#anyway it's just weird#we don't even make that much together but it's nice to feel secure#it was a little stressful when julia left a terrible well paying job#for two other not great jobs#and she just started one she actually enjoye and we're making more money again#but she just got asked to interview for an even higher paying job she applied for months ago before she got her current job#which is exciting and nerve-wracking#but would be helpful with the wedding coming up#okay i'll stop i'm oversharing but sometimes you have thoughts you need to get out you know#meg.txt#money tw
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