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dragons-and-dwarves-are-nice · 8 months

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Request from @witheringpain - Could you make a headcanon of how all the autobots/decepticons would react if you died in a war (G1) ?

Will do 🫡🫡🫡

Sorry this is so late but I’ve got so much going on I’ve ended up going through my requests at a snails pace lol.

I haven't done transformers requests in 3-4 years so hello pls don't beat me up over this but here we go anyway:

Warnings: Character Death (Reader), Heavy Descriptions Of Gore And Violence, Themes Of Grieving And Depression

Autobots: (This is mostly Optimus-centred but I included most of the Autobots reactions because this first part was already too long to repeat for each separate character – I’ve also made it platonic)

Also PLEASE keep in mind that I’ve only seen short clips of G1, which is why I don’t write for them often, so the characters may seem a little OOC – if they are I apologise but it’s the best I could do

Ooooh boy, they’re not gonna like that

Let’s say you’re Optimus’s bestie (along with the other autobots ofc)

And let’s keep in mind that G1 Optimus is not as calm/ level headed as TFP Optimus and not as ‘death/kill/angry/rage’ as Bayverse Optimus

So he’s not gonna go round on the battle field murdering left right and centre

But he’s also not gonna just stand there

He’s more likely to turn towards the loud gunshot behind him and watch as your body hits the ground and take a moment

Like it’s not gonna click instantly

He probably thinks you’ve been shot in the leg and he waits a second for you to scream or writhe around in pain

But then your body lops to the side and he sees your eyes frozen wide in shock, with a gaping bullet hole still sizzling and steaming away in the middle of your forehead

And when I say it hits them all

It hits them

HARD

Optimus sort of just stumbles for a moment cuz he can feel every part of himself short-circuit

He also thought his audio receptors had stopped working

But no

It’s the battlefield

It’s dead silent

Everyone seems to have just stopped

He can’t see (cuz he literally cannot take his eyes off your body) but Prowl and Ratchet are nearest

And they’re desperate to run to him but the fact that he’s so still

Ratchet doesn’t dare go near you for a hot minute because it’s not normal for Optimus to be still for that long.

Prowl’s too busy trying to see who shot you, and eventually he spies the steaming barrel of the gun from across the field and he’s instantly seeing red

The decepticon that owns said gun doesn’t look any better

You can practically hear him from how much he’s shaking

Eventually, the dead silence is broken

“What did you do?”

It’s Megatron

He might be Optimus’s sworn enemy

But he knows when to not cross a line

As in murder Optimus’s closest friend

Megatron only murmured it since he was only frozen in place a few metres away

But it was loud enough to break whatever spell Optimus was under

Both decepticons watched in terror as Optimus’s head snapped towards them, his optics wide and glowing brighter than ever

And you know what’s even worse?

His face guard is gone

Sheathed away and full face on display

Now, let’s clarify that you, are the only person in the existence of ever, to know what he looks like under the mask

And the fact that everyone can see his full face right now shows exactly how out of control his emotions are right now

He’s heaving, he’s shaking, and there’s coolant streaming down his face because guess what cybertronians can cry

In his millions of years fighting wars, Megatron can’t recall a time he’s ever seen such despair on a bots face

Let alone on Optimus

The sounding of creaking metal brings everyone’s attention back on Optimus

And it takes a moment for everyone to realise where the noise is coming from but soon enough they watch as his servo tightens even more around his axe, the creaking noise becoming louder

And all of a sudden everyone’s like:

Oh shit

The decepticon that shot you is like

Shit shit shit shit

And Megatron accepts he’s gonna be a Con down after today because looking at the state that Prime is in he knows it’s not worth it

He looks to the Con who is pleading for help with his eyes and just shrugs

“I think you’re on your own now :)”

Megatron along with everyone else takes a step back as Optimus begins to move

He’s not running, no

Just walking

His optics not moving from the con in front of him as he strides over.

Eventually the con drops his gun with a cry and frantically runs into the woods behind him

But Optimus keeps his speed at walking pace

Which is even more terrifying

Megatron just moves aside raising his hands in surrender as he passes

Because a heaving, blank-faced, mask-less Optimus unconsciously dragging a weapon behind him is not something he wants to try and pester right now

Soon Optimus disappears into the woods after the Con

And everyone remains silent and unmoving as they listen

Pedesteps every now and again are heard from within the trees

Minutes pass and no one is yet to move, too occupied with straining their audials for a noise

Though it isn’t long until everyone flinches as a terrified shriek rips through the air, causing the birds to scatter

A string of frantic pleads of help follow

Until they are replaced with screams as loud clangs of metal on metal are heard

But soon the screams are drowned out by the clangs and soon enough the sounds of the Con are no more

But the clanging doesn’t stop

It just keeps going in a steady rhythm

Until one final loud smash reverberates through the air

And it is silent once again

Everyone else takes this as their cue

Megatron instantly transforms and takes off

And it isn’t long before the rest of the Decepticons follow, leaving the Autobots to themselves

The following silence is soon broken as Ratchet finally moves towards your body

Wiping the coolant that won’t seem to stop streaming down his face, he kneels down to scoop your lifeless form into his arms

Prowl drags himself over to you both, his pedes never feeling so heavy

With a dark solemn look on his faceplates, he stares at your corpse in the medics arms

After a moment, he slowly lifts his servo towards your face, where your face is still frozen in a terrified expression

And as gently as he can, he takes two digits and places them above your optic lids before sliding them closed

That seemed to be a tipping point for Ratchet as he broke down in heaving sobs

His frame trembling as he tried to keeps both himself and you balanced as everyone around looked at him in both surprise and pity

This is a first because Ratchet is probably the least likely to react so emotionally to death

He been witnessing it almost every day for the past few million years after all

But you were someone special

Someone he thought would be the last person to die so suddenly

Someone he thought he would have time to save, and time to grieve

But that’s what war does

It has no mercy with anyone

No matter who someone is and how special they are

And Ratchet thought he had come to terms with that idea

But the scene he gave showed everyone he hadn’t quite accepted it fully

Prowl wanted to break down too

He wanted to scream into the heavens and beyond, cursing out those who took you from them but also hoping you could hear him

A sign to show that you were still here with them

But he knew it would prove useless

And with Ratchet gone too far into his own mind

He knew it was his turn to be the level headed one

Now wasn’t the time to flip tables and punch walls

He didn’t want to show his emotional instability in front of the others

So he joined Ratchet by his side, a servo slowly soothing up and down the medic’s trembling back struts.

He noted that Optimus still hadn’t returned from the woods

But that wasn’t who he was concerned about at the moment

As if on cue, three sets of bouncing footsteps along with energised voices were heard as they got nearer

Everyone tensed at the sound, and slowly turned towards the outstretch of cliff nearby where the voices owners would soon be revealed

Prowl left Ratchet’s side after one last reassuring pat, leaving the now slightly calmer bot to cradle you

Turning the corner, he was met with two bright sets of yellow and one red

Bumblebee, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had returned from their reconnaissance, playing and shoving at each other joyously after a seemingly successful mission, ready to hear what had become of the fight they missed

Though that all halted when they caught sight of a silent Prowl who was suspiciously not scolding them for returning so late

Coming to a stop, they eyed him, Sideswipe talking first:

“We just saw Megatron and his goons flying away! Did you flip enough tables to scare them off or something?”

That set the three of them into another fit of giggles

But coming to a stop again at the sight of Prowls door wings not springing up in frustration like they usually do

“Say Prowl, what’s got your tailpipe in a twist?” Sunstreaker piped up

Prowl opened his mouth, and got exactly one vowel out before going silent again. He did this several times before eventually giving up.

Ok this was different

Prowl always has something to reply with

“What happened.” Demanded Bumblebee

Despite being a joyous bot, Bumblebee knew when it was time to be serious, and Prowl being lost for words meant that only the worst could have happened

Prowl tried to reply again, but his voice box betrayed him for a second time

Without a second thought Bumblebee strode ahead, brushing aside Prowls outstretched servo and rounded the corner

At a first glance all he could see was every bot crowded around something, but when he called out they all parted to reveal something he wished he could never see

A pained cry of despair echoed throughout the forested valley, and Sideswipe and Sunstreaker didn’t hesitate for a second as they sprinted around the corner to their friend with Prowl hot on their heels

The sight before them was the one thing they never wanted

Bumblebee was being held back as he tried to reach for whatever Ratchet had in his arms, howling and crying out as he stretched his arm as far as he could

The two bots rushed to try and help the others in restraining him, but both stumbled in shock as they caught sight of your lifeless corpse

Soon the bots had to be divided as they wrestled the three young bots that were wailing in anguish for their friend

Bumblebee had given up at this point, his head on Prowls shoulder as he stared at you with a glazed unmoving expression

The twins were worse off, crying and screaming in everyone’s faces until their voice boxes gave out, demanding what had happened and why they weren’t able to save you, why Ratchet wasn’t able to save you, but all the bots and the medic could do was look down to not make any further eye contact.

Not long after the screaming match another set of footsteps were heard getting nearer, and a hush fell over everyone, including the twins after pleas from the others, as they all stared at the silhouette emerging from the foliage

As the bot moved into the sunlight, everyone’s optics widened at the sight

Optimus had returned, but he was barely recognisable

Well

You could still tell it was him

But his paintjob was almost unidentifiable

Blue and red peeked through the streaks and smears of pink and magenta, the energon from the unlucky con splattered all over his frame

The worst parts were on his axe and up his arms, his paintjob covered almost entirely with energon still dripping from those areas along with chunks of metal that slowly slid down his frame, looking suspiciously similar to the con’s paintjob

The most horrifying part, though, was his axe

Which looked like it had come straight out of a horror movie

Through the energon and bits of metal that covered the blades, one half seemed to have bent, the blade curving in a way that would fit a cybertronians head shape after hitting it with the force of a mountain

Which is probably what happened

It’s also probably what made that extra load bang at the end

But no one really cared about that

They were too busy trying to figure out what Optimus would do next

Which was a bit difficult considering he was just standing there not saying a word and just staring ahead into the distance

A beat passed before shuffling was heard and Bumblebee broke away from Prowls embrace and rushed towards the Prime

Despite everyone wanting to stop him, they were too scared of going near Optimus at this point

Reaching Optimus, Bumblebee threw himself around him, not caring about the height difference

This seemed to bring Prime out of his trance, half lidded optics looking down at the smaller bot

Though it wasn’t long before Optimus gently pried Bumblebee’s servos away, holding them in his own

The bots watched albeit tense as the taller bot stared down at his smaller companion

All it took was for Bee to look up whilst blinking back tears of coolant for Optimus to drop his axe with a clang and scoop him into his arms, their helms buried into each other’s neck cables, and Bumblebee’s sobbing started up again

After a minute, they pulled away from each other, and Bee tried to say something through the hiccupping of his voice box, but the Prime stopped him with a servo on his shoulder and a small smile that was far from reaching his optics

Which everyone could see since he had yet to re-engage his mask

But they made sure not to bring it up

Soon Optimus was back on his pedes and picking up his axe, gently leading Bumblebee back to the group

Reaching Ratchet, he placed a servo on his shoulder

“Let’s get them back to the ship old friend."

Decepticons: (This one’s a bit shorter I’m afraid – I struggled with coming up with anything for anyone else so this is more headcanon-y)

Warnings: Character Death (AKA YOU), Heavy Descriptions of Gore, Themes of Grieving and Depression.

Now with the decepticons it can be a little different

Depending on what kind of relationship you’ve formed and with who

The Autobots are all tight knit in some way

Whereas with the cons

You could’ve been working with them for eons

But if you’re just another soldier that has been recruited

Then those higher up aren’t gonna bat an optic

They might notice your posts being replaced

But that’s it

However

If you’re higher ranking and have formed some type of relationship with them

Then things are going to go down differently

Soundwave would be inconsolable for a while

The only ones allowed near him were his minicons

Who would scuttle out his berthroom to grab some energon for their robodad, before quickly disappearing back into the dark room

He wouldn’t come out until Megatron demanded entry

And the minocons along with a few others would wait around the corner in the corridor

Tying to get within earshot but failing nonetheless

Megatron then walked out, not bothering with the troops who scattered as soon as he appeared

It would be another day before Soundwave would emerge

But he wouldn’t answer anyone about how he was

He simply got on with his tasks as he did before

Overworking so much that he would have to be dragged to recharge

Life would resume as normal

But during his weekly spying sessions through the security cameras

Starscream would note the pauses the quiet con would take

Each time in the exact same spot

Standing in front of the doors to the comms room where you had worked

Staring in as if he was looking for you to spring out on him

But you never did

Speaking of Starscream

It’s a bit of a 50/50 with him

You could be any rank

And considering how desperate he is to overthrow Megatron and lead the Decepticons

There’s a chance that he could be so obsessed and caught up in his scheming

That he just doesn’t have the spare time to get to know you or basically care about you in any way

But if we went with the other half

And you were someone he had befriended and roped into his overthrowing plans

Then your death would throw him off track big time

It would take him forever to comprehend the fact that the one con he could trust properly on his ship was in pieces that were now drifting somewhere through space

To the other cons he was just being himself after your death

So just annoying

Complaining how he now had to figure out how to achieve the tasks he had set you for universal dominance as well as his own

But the heaving sobs and wails that echoed through the ships corridors late at night said otherwise

Ravage made the unlucky mistake of walking in on Starscream as he curled up underneath his desk

Though not much time was spent inside as Ravage high tailed it out of there, narrowly dodging something being thrown as the seeker screamed for them to get out

Skywarp and Thundercracker had a hard time as well

Feeling the immense grief flowing through the bond of their trine mate’s spark as they watched him brush you off as just another accomplice in front of everyone else

Now

Onto boss man

Megatron would practically explode

He would be throwing himself into every battle and every autobot he can get his servos on

The one commander, apart from soundwave, he could trust with his life

Gone

In a puff of smoke

Well..

More like an explosion

AKA you were blasted to smithereens before he could pull you free from the collapsing power reactor

He would be frozen in place, your decapitated servo still grasped in his own

Bits of wiring and armour plating surrounding him on the floor

Along with the pink flames of your energon that had ignited as it hit the burning debris

He doesn’t quite remember what happened next

All he could recall were flashes of the bodies of other autobots as he tore them apart

And he found himself sat in the medbay, glaring unfocused at the metal floor

And now, in his berth room eons later, he still finds himself staring at the floor

Feeling as useless as the glass case that sat upon his shelf

Where a single servo laid, refusing to rust

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Thank you so much for reading! I will reopen requests at some point, but for now, I'll be posting what I've already written. See you soon!

Do not repost

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savage-rhi · 2 months

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*inhales deeply*

LET'S GET DANGEROUS....

I know I don't owe anyone anything, but I want to be transparent about why I've not been as active lately.

My recent job loss and the discrimination that contributed to said loss had me severely depressed. After coming down a little from survivor/PTSD mode, I needed to take space from everyone and everything. I am starting to feel better, thankfully.

I have been performing odd jobs in my neighborhood so that I am good on cash for bills and housing this month and part of next month. Beyond that, I don't know what to expect.

I am still working on my Ko-Fi shop. This is one of those things I jumped right into thanks to survivor mode, and I didn't account for everything as thoroughly so I'm taking my time with it.

I did speak to a few legal advocates and a couple of lawyers during these past few weeks. Here's the good, bad, and ugly:

Good: Yes, there was illegal discrimination at play. My place of employment didn't handle things the way they should've regarding my excused absences related to disability, and they contributed to emotional duress and screwed over my education prospects.

Bad: I didn't have a paper trail for everything, but I had enough to prove that I did what I was supposed to do on my end when it came to adhering to my place of employments processes. There is sadly nothing that can be done about the third party health insurance company that played a role in screwing me over.

Ugly: Even with the pro-bono stuff that was offered, I'm looking between 20,000-35,000k out of pocket if I wanted to take this to the highest.

Folks...I do not have 20-35k lying around nor the emotional bandwidth to go through a trial/suit. Yes, GoFundMe is an option if I was dead serious on dragging these fuckers dicks through the dirt, but guys, honest to god, I'd rather that 20k-35k go to the following:

Keeping a roof over my head and food on the table until I have stable employment

Ensuring I can afford medical care for my disability, and afford new tests that I'm going to need for long-covid issues

Help me stay in my graduate courses/obtain my therapy licensure

Use it to help out other disabled folks in similar situations

I have closure that I was indeed wronged, that I did everything on my end to the best of my ability, and these dehumanizing assholes aren't going to rob anymore of my energy or time than they already have.

I have appointments to see if covid has fucked up or contributed to anything more serious that hasn't been addressed. I have a secondary PCP now cause of health concerns that have gotten worse. My fibromyalgia flares have been more chaotic since catching covid in January and I'm still figuring out what my new baseline is with that.

Spring Term of my graduate studies started last week, and I'm getting as much as I can done so I have more free time.

I am trying to find motivation to work my fanfics, drabbles, interacting, etc. It's been hard with everything.

My former employer is trying to get out of unemployment benefits and I've been battling that on top of the other stuff.

I need time to rest (like hibernate) and I haven't had the opportunity to do that.

Thank you again to everyone who has checked in on me, asked me how I've been, sent something positive, or donated. I'm sorry I haven't had the hit points to get to everyone individually, but I am trying and I am grateful for the compassion and appreciation.

If you still want to donate before my Ko-Fi shop is up, you can donate at these places:

PayPal: [email protected]

Kofi: KitchenRaptorJ

CashApp: $JayRex1463

If you don't have the means, that's a okay. Take care of yourself first.

If you want to send me comfort things (Ardyn Izunia, Higgs Monaghan, Karl Heisenberg, dinosaurs, dragons, etc.) like art, fanfic, etc. my way, that would be wonderful and I am open to that. I'm still open to a friendly hello or check in, just know I won't respond right away.

Now that all is said and done...

#magenta #magenta is my safe word for venting #i need a vacation at some point #like a quick trip to the coast for a few days in a run down motel or spending the night in my car on the beach with a thing of malibu rum #and a bar of dark sea salt caramel chocolate and the sickest pair of shades known to man with a cigar hanging out of my mouth #please do not ask me to elaborate more on the lawyer stuff it was already a clusterfuck to begin with and i don't have the spoons to comb #over all the little details of what was told to me just know i tried and was dead set on getting answers which i did earn in the end #seriously though i do love you guys that privately DM'd on here and off and asked if im alright even if i didn't say anything back #thank you for being kind #please extend that kindness to yourself as well

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harrypotterhogwartshitpost · 2 years

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My favorite Beach Bunny lyrics

Ranked from most to least chaotic

(now including Emotional Creature)

---

YOURE ACTING LIKE YOUR DEADBEAT DAD!

IM PISSED OFF N̳O̳ ̳I̳M̳ ̳E̳N̳R̳A̳G̳E̳D̳

CAUSE IM TIRED OF GUESSING ON A BLURRED PHOTO- ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH SOMONE ł ĐØ₦₮ ₭₦Ø₩

Sometimes I just wanna **̷A̷̷A̷̷H̷̷H̷̷H̷̷H̷̷H̷̷H̷**

WHEN WE'RE ALL ALONE IN YOUR BEDROOM, YOU CAME LIKE A REOCCURING DREAM

Maybe you would know by now IM THE GREATEST THING YOU COULD HAVE

THINK OF ME! ME! ME!

you got in my pants then left my ass and made me cry

IM SORRY, IM TRYING. I HATE IT WHEN YOU CATCH ME CRYING

DO I LOOK LIKE HER? DOES SHE TALK LIKE ME!?

CAUSE HE WOULDNT HURT ME

CRY! CRY! CRY!

IF YOU WANT TO- KNOW ME- START BY TRYNA SHOW ME- THAT YOURE- WORTHY BABY- PROOVE THAT YOU CAN EARN ME!

you put a knife through me 𐌄𐌌Ꝋ𐌕𐌉Ꝋ𐌍𐌀𐌋𐌋𐌙

🅽🅾🆃 🆈🅾🆄🆁 🅿🆁🅾🅱🅻🅴🅼 🅽🅾🆃 🅼🆈 🅿🆁🅾🅱🅻🅴🅼

Every moment I fall to pieces. Every moment I fall a paAaAart

BUT IF YOU WANT ME WHY CANT WE STILL BE TOGETHER? YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS BUT I PROMISE THEYLL GET BETTER!

WAIT FOR THE PITFALL, HIT MY FACE ON A BRICK WALL

WHAT ARE YOU UP TOO, HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR NUMBER! IVE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU, SINCE APRIL AND NOW ITS OCTOBER

IM NOT YOUR ᵖᵒˡˡʸ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗ IN YOUR LOVERS LOCKET

oh, but i love falling apart. i love falling apart.

cause im some ᴮᴼᴼᴰᴰʸʸ'ˢˢ ᴰᴼᴼᴸᴸᴸᴸʸʸ

ʸᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵘᵘᵘᵘᵘᵘ'ᵛᵉ been such a jerk

can we go back to c͓̽a͓̽l͓̽i͓̽F͓̽O͓̽R͓̽N͓̽I͓̽A͓̽

MAYBE LOVE IS OVERᴿᴬᵀᴱᴰ

IVE BEEN REPLAYING THE SAME SONG FOR SIX Wᴱᴱᴷˢ TRYING TO FIND A PIECE OF YOUR HEARTBEAT.

And I wonder, where's my, happy ever after

BOYS WILL BE BOYS BUT YOURE NOT LIKE THE Oᵀᴴᴱᴿ ONES

you know, you're better than that. but you can't respond when you react

Cause I know you miss me, and I'm always on your miiiiiiind

Mostly I'm okay with, having a few bad days. lᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒcked in my bedroom with my- hᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃrt out on display

Most nights I hardly know myself. Sometimes I feel like someone else.

cause i'm stressed depressed can't seem to find no closure

to feel accepted, people are bᵤᵤᵤᵤᵤᵢᵢᵢᵢᵢₗₗₗₗₗₜₜₜₜ for- acting like there's noth-ing wrong.

running away through the rain makes your socks wet

INSIDE THE SLEEVEOFAGREEN WIND BREAKER

if we keep score, bet my money that i'm losing

you always seem closer, in the rearview

need someone that isn't an equation

I miss being certain, certainly I miss.

all of your apologies are only empty calories

I miss your mom

𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒅-𝒒𝒖𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒊𝒔

If you're gonna love me make sure that you do it right, I'll be under your window in the moonlight.

the faster I run from the problem, the harder I fall.

teach me how to be ok. I dont wanna dₒₒₒₒₒᵥᵥᵥᵥᵥᵥᵥᵥₙₙₙₙ play my emotions

Why does my face turn rᵉᴱᵉᴱᵉᴱᵉd, when you look at me?

you're just so confused

tired of tripping on my shoes.

my body's always aching

pressure pulsing, got to stick to routine normalcy

gushing eyes she replies 'you feel like summer'

I-love-your-voice-but-hate-the-way you talk of her consistently

haven't done much sleeping cause lately i've been dreaming you'd break, my heart.

thirty days since you left me, and it's hard to see your point of view.

who, am, I? Sometimes I get a little par-a-noid trying to figure it out.

the problem is you think, youre only viable for love, when someone makes you feel complete

and i'm tired, of the world, perceiving me

An apology anthology

humanize your equation

symptoms got me thinking that i'm, catching feelings

teach me how to be okay, i don't want to downplay my emotions.

you win me like a trophy not a consolation prize

i know that sunburn goes away. the broken words i last heard still linger

even the moon cant maintain the same phase

𝒾 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝓌𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝓊𝓅 𝒾𝓃 𝓈𝑒𝒸𝑜𝓃𝒹 𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸𝑒

rose colored lenses eventually crack

and i learn all the words to your daydreams, like i'm trying to sing karaoke

you're not sure, if gods real, but yet you say a prayer. hoping he still cares

#I love beach bunny #beach bunny music

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eddswrold-fandicc · 3 years

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Polyworld Fluff

Trigger warning: depression, sadness, self harm, drinking

The blade made another cut into his thigh. The crimson blood trickled down his leg. Tears slid down his face as he covered his mouth to muffle his cries.

"Tom, are you taking a shit?" There was a bang at the door.

Tom took a deep break, quickly calming himself down, "Uh, yeah! I'm almost done."

He quickly cleaned himself up and hid the evidence. He buttoned his pants, examining them to make sure no blood had gotten on them, then turned the faucet on. Tom washed his face, washing the tears away, looking good as new.

The door clicked open, and Tom was hit with a cool breeze. He went to the kitchen to refill his flask.

"Took you long enough! Are you getting sick?" Edd placed a baking pan in the oven. He had gotten the interest in baking lately, but nobody was complaining.

"Uh, no, not really."

"Drinking this early isn't really good for you, Tom."

Tom looked over at the clock on the stove. Edd was right, it was only 11am.

"I'm saving it for later." Tom twisted the cap shut and walked too his room.

He set the flask on the bedside table and sat on the bed. Taking his shirt off, Tom layed back and fell asleep.

Only to be asleep for a couple of hours. His peaceful slumber was interrupted by a knock at his bedroom door, and Tord flicking his lights on.

Tom groaned, turning his body and placing his pillow on his head. Being asleep was the second best thing to being drunk. It kept him out of reality.

"Thomas, it's time to get up. I need you in the lab."

"Now?"

Tord ripped the pillow from his head, "Yes, now."

Tom sighed and sat up. He followed Tord to his lab, and sat himself on the examination table.

Tord has been helping him try to control his monster form. They've been working on serums and exercises.

"You'll need to take off your clothes. I need to do a full body examination before I give this to you," Tord flicked the needle before setting it down.

Full body examination? Oh no...

"W-What? Why? I'm not doing that."

"Thomas, we've done this so many times before. Why is it a problem now?"

Tom fiddled with his fingers. It's been years since he had harmed himself, and he didn't want his friends knowing about it. He didn't want to make them feel bad for something that he should have control over by now.

"Tom."

He looked up at the scientist, who was now coming closer to him.

"What's going on? I know it can't be an STD, you haven't been layed in a while."

Tom saw the concern on Tord's face. He wanted to comply and be good for Tord, since he was helping him. But he didn't want anyone to know about his problem.

He felt a cold hand on his shoulder, "Thomas, you know everything remains confidential in here."

And he was right. Tord had never talked about it once to anyone else. He always texts Tom, or comes to him in private.

"Fine..." Tom felt tears filling in his eyes. He hoped Tord wouldn't tell the others.

He was kind of hoping Tord would bandage his thighs correctly, since he didn't do it himself. And God, did they hurt.

"Very good. You're already halfway there."

Tom unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down. They has stuck to the dried blood, and he felt them peel off. It was painful, but relieving.

A hot tear slid down his face as he let his pants drop to the floor. He looked away in shame, not wanting to see Tord's face.

"Tom..." He heard Tord's voice quiver.

"I-I'm sorry! Please don't tell anyone. I've been trying to hard to contain myself, but it gets so hard. I can't even explain how much I don't want to be alive right now!"

Tom sobbed into his hands. He had broke.

But Tord was determined to keep him together. He wrapped his arms around the sobbing man, rubbing circles into his back.

"Everything is going to be okay," Tord ran his fingers through Tom's hair, comforting the man.

After Tom had calmed down, he sat back on the table, wiping his face.

"Let's just do this."

Tord nodded in response and quietly examined Tom, and gave him the shot of serum.

"Wait, don't put your pants on yet."

Tom watched as Tord dug around in a drawer, and pulled out peroxide and bandages. He doused a few tissues in peroxide and cleaned Tom's wounds.

Tom relaxed on the table, feeling the pain start to go away from his thighs. It felt even better when Tord rubbed a cream on it, the coolness invading the heat.

"You're lucky this didn't get infected. It's swollen as hell."

"I know."

Tord placed a large bandage over the wounds, and rubbed Tom's knee.

"Thomas, you need to talk to someone about this. Maybe if you talk to Edd-"

"No. I don't want anyone knowing," Tom's voice cracked. He didn't want to start crying again.

Tord took a deep breath and cleaned up the lab as Tom put his pants back on, and walked out.

"Wait, Tom! One more thing," Tord ran after him.

He hugged Tom again, this time kissing his temple. He noticed Edd walking in the hallway, and stopping to look.

"What's going on? Is everything okay?"

Tord felt the smaller man jump in his embrace, and immediately pushed him away.

"Uh, yeah! Everything is fine!"

Tom quickly walked to his room, and shut the door behind him.

Edd turned to Tord, "Is everything okay?"

Tord nervously moved his arms, "Uh, sure. I can't really say."

----------

Tom walked in the house. He had gone out for some more alcohol. He opened the door, and immediately ran into Matt.

"Hi, Tom! Let's go," Matt ushered him to his bedroom.

"Wh- Matt! What are you doing?"

Matt stayed silent, and continued to push him.

They walked into Tom's room, revealing everybody sitting in his room. Matt locked the door behind them, and guarded it.

"Tom, what's going on? I know something has been wrong with you lately." Edd set down his can of cola.

"I don't know what you mean." Tom's strategy was refuse, refuse, refuse. Refuse it all.

He looked over at Tord, who looked down and concerned.

"Did you tell them?"

Tord shook his head, "No, but you are."

"Tell us what?"

"Nothing. It's nothing."

"Liar," Tord mumbled.

"Tom, you've been in the bathroom for long periods of time. You've been tired a lot more. You look absolutely exhausted! You haven't been eating as much either. What is going on?"

Tom already had tears streaming down his face, "I-I told you. It's nothing."

"It's obviously something. We're here for you. Whatever is going on, we'll stay by your side."

"Yeah. We love and care about you," Matt set his hand on Tom's shoulder.

"I-" Tom started to sob.

Matt immediately hugged him from behind, Edd following after.

"Things haven't been okay lately. I just- I just don't want to be alive right now."

Tord joined in the group hug, "Show them your legs."

Everyone stepped back, mostly in shock.

"What?" Edd's voice sounded small.

Tom sobbed harder as he pulled down his pants and revealed the bandages.

Matt covered his mouth and gasped, "Oh, Tom!" He hugged him again.

"Everything will be okay soon. We're here for you, always!"

Edd and Tord joined the hug again, "Matt's right, Thomas. If you need help with anything, let one of us know."

"Yeah, we love you, Tom."

Tom sobbed at the words. He knew his friends loved him, but it was always comforting to hear the words again.

After a few minutes of hugging things out, Tom finally calmed down.

"Hey, Tom." He felt Edd rub circles in his back.

"Yeah?"

"You're sleeping with me tonight."

#ew tom #ew edd #ew tord #ew matt #eddsworld #eddsworld tord #eddsworld tom #eddworld matt #eddsworld edd #eddsworld fanfic #polyworld #my work

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bittybattybunny · 3 years

Note

I hope your not feeling down on your writing skills because I haven't caught up and commented on your latest releases. It's not you it's that I pick too many fanfics to follow and they all update a lot and I've been so busy and I've fallen behind on so many fics from various authors and sometimes my depression just makes me want to lie in bed all day doing nothing and it doesn't help I have to spend my limited spoons helping family everyday. I know these aren't good excuses, but I do sympathize with the lack of energy feeling at least. But your work really does bring a lot of joy to my life. It's so fun keeping up with your various AUs, and your latest one that features Kaya as Spider King has me really hyped because I want to learn more about Kaya, she's so fun! And Ruclipse is such a good comfort ship that just hits all the things I like seeing in a ship. You're so amazing and creative and it's awful that anyone would try to make you feel otherwise! Like your newest OC, Justin Tyme seems like such a lovable dumbass bastard. I love his wild, curly hair and his dapper outfit. I can't wait to see what dumb shit he gets himself into! I know this is really long and rambly, but I hope you know you have fans who genuinely love your work. I don't know if you're still thinking about that one comment you mentioned that got you really down, but honestly, fuck that guy. I don't know what they said but it must have been pure BS to have you doubting your hard earned art skills. I wish I could do more to prove you're awesome and that your fans really admire you, I just hope you don't stop sharing what you love because some rando was nasty for no good reason. Because we love what you do!

It's not like anyone one person nonny so please don't blame yourself. This has been an ongoing thing for a few months actually...

it's just a general thing over all lately like. I mentioned this in dm's with a friend but overall past few months I've had lower engagement overall with my works and it really does a number on my confidence. More so because like your latter point.

yes, I am still very much thinking about that one negative comment. Because that person also has the need to comment on other things and I even had a thing asking why I took a few weeks to update (when reality I posted to another ongoing fic and my TLC chapters are long chapters) and just the fact they could tear into a character (yes it was a comment on a character specifically and not even a main character it's a side character who has an important role for Snatcher's growth as a person down the line) then go saying "why didn't you update" when I posted a double update that week---

Like it lives in my head rent free and I want to literally cry because like the character is a focal in an upcoming chapter and I can't deal with another "why are they back" type thing. because "everyone finds them annoying"

And I'll be honest. it was Kaya. Like I've been trying to have fun with my BCU stuff with her as Spiderking because it's engaging for me and me and @/doodleimprovement even came up with a b-plot involving Kaya and Hattie trying to hook Nell and Marcus together and it's one of the best things as well as Kaya and Nell having a really good relationship.

but because of that one comment it makes me hesitant to do anything with Kaya despite she's one of my oldest ocs, my most thought out ocs and I adore her beyond anything. Like yes she's over powered and such and in TLC rn she comes off as a know it all, but upcoming chapters will show she's just a spacey kid who's trying to fit into a role others decided for her and isn't really as all mighty as she seems. Snatcher even ends up thinking of her as a little sister more than anything. Like fuck I'm even hesitant to share anything on her actual story despite how much work is in it. Like she's my favorite Oc (that's why shes my discord icon, and I'm pretty sure she's my twitter icon as well)

And like the points in the comment just. IDK they didn't fit to her, if anything the points are more suited to be shot at Eclipse.

Which is another thing I just get iffy on. I love RuClipse and everything with it. I love writing and drawing the dorks. But I'm now so afraid if Kaya could be attacked for only showing in a handful of chapters that don't even touch on who she is, when is someone going to finally tell me off on my wolf? who's going to tear into a character I pour a lot of personal shit into to try and comfort myself?

I use Ruclipse to deal with my own romantic heart, they are what I wish I could have so I love to write them, I hurt them but i like to make them happy in the end. Someone who can deal with your highs and lows. No ones perfect but you can still figure it out and love even the negative parts (I am a heavy romantic OTL)

he is in fact a lovable bastard. i have fun plans and he gives me an excuse for why Cel is so tired and having to be the brain cell and how she even wound up working with the time kids when she's so much older than they are. Currently I'm trying to think of how to use him and honestly I think he's gonna wind up hella comic relief fun guy who's just making a mess and do his own side story while Hat and Bow are busy in subcon----

thank you, I don't mind the rambly it kinda gave me a chance to get this off my chest... like I've typed this kinda response up time and time again and I always delete. I feel like I'm whining because I get upset but it's just, I spend so much time making things, I use all my spoons on either working or creating, I just want to know if it means anything but then negativity lives in my head because what's a functioning meat cube??? I try to stay positive but it's hard. Like another thing is Moon Guardian; the reason I haven't updated? because I have had someone bothering me about it. weekly I get asked about how I'm doing on it but it's not from a place of "want to read it" it's because I told them they couldn't post a certain thing until the chapter is done so it feels pressuring to constantly get asked because I feel the only reason they want to post is to boost their thing and I'm just the machine to boost it with my characters and comic.... like it feels they've taken the comic from me and it sucks because I have so many fun things planned. Like I accidentally went off on Nina about a thing with Alpine skyline and Eclipse as well as a thing with a Time Rift and a Jelly ghost.

Sorry kinda went off, just I've sat on this thought train since like early april. I've done my best to ignore it and just keep going but it's gotten really hard with the fact my health hasn't been really great. I've spent a lot of time lately bed bound because I just hurt so badly. if I'm not resting, I'm at my day job which is incredibly stressful rn as I only really work mornings and I see things that are being missed so then i report it and it still gets missed and i can't get it fixed after a point cuz we're back to full service and need the people so I can't nitpick but just.... I'm bitter okay like if I left this shit when I worked I would have gotten yelled at but now we just let it slide??? and this stresses me out which then causes my body to freak out because I'm stressed which puts me in more pain. and then like at work have people acting shocked I have my cane or soemthing and just skfdslkfksdf

so my energy is so tanked. and then the negative comment in my head, no idea if people like things cuz I have no idea if I hear nothing, just has had me doubting why post. Like I should go back to just not posting my stories and sketches or w/e and slink back to my hole like I was before.

idk Its just. a bad night in the house of bun. I've had these thoughts festering and I guess today was the dam breaking. It's probs cuz I'm nervous posting Chimeras because it's a very dark au.

#ask #anon #not art #long post #sorry im just in a bad spot tonight I guess #like i started my day pretty okay but somewhere along the way it nose dived and I'm just trying to not cry in my room

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xxisxxisxxis · 3 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-Eight

Very late, I'm sorry, I just couldn't post it without tweaking things here and there because I'm a little bitch that wants to get this right. I hope everyone has had a good Christmas!!

Words: 4k

Warning(s): explicit language, mentions of drug abuse, explicit sexual situations

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"It's not a death sentence, Viv." Sharise assures me in the back of the limo.

"I've really been a lunatic, Sharise, and it's not just because people have overexaggerated about how I've been acting--it's because I've actually been fucking crazy." I state as she sips her champagne. "I have a diagnosis and new medication to prove it."

"Is it ever gonna go away?" She asks me next, furrowing her brows a little.

"Nope, but it sure as shit can get worse." I tell her. "There's two strains of it and I have the second one which is just shorter spells of mania--a.k.a being a fucking looney tune--and leaning more depressive--a.k.a staying in bed for three months straight and not wanting my husband to touch me despite just getting married."

"You're not crazy." She argues, lightly kicking at my leg with her heel. "You just have an imbalance in your brain. It's annoying, yeah, but you're not crazy."

"I just don't want Nikki to leave me over this. Nothing screams stable marriage like bipolar disorder and heroin addiction."

"Shut up, you're okay, Nikki's okay, you guys will be okay." She assures me.

I think back to what his therapist wants us to do Wednesday...I can't tell him I'm pregnant. I haven't even told Duff and he should be the first one I tell.

I feel like as soon as I tell Nikki, it really will be over.

I get nauseous, my mouth watering.

"I need air." I pull the sunroof back and stand up, try to calm down, my eyes closing and my head leaning back as we stop at a red-light.

I hear the obnoxious rumble of a motorcycle coming to a stop in the lane beside us, and groan.

"Whew!" I hear a familiar voice call. "Your old man let you outta the house?!" Robbin yells over his the noise of his bike and I look over.

"He's in rehab!" I reply.

"No shit!" He chuckles. "Whatcha doin'?!"

"Getting some air!"

"There's plenty of air over here!" He informs me. "Come get on!" He gives a grin.

"I'm good!"

"Oh, c'mon, Viv, I've only had a couple shots!"

"Couple shots of what, is the question!" I reply.

"I'm not high!" He states. "Come on!"

I look at him, considering it.

"You look too damn good to be riding around in a blacked out car where nobody can see you!" He adds and I roll my eyes. "Come get on the damn bike, Viv, a couple blocks won't kill you!"

I rub my lips together, seeing that the light is gonna turn in a minute.

"You're gonna get me in trouble!" I say, going to pull my heels off.

"Not much more than what you're already in!" He says back.

I sigh out and start to climb out of the sunroof and he puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles loudly before he ignores the cars behind him and kicks the stand of the bike down, coming and grabbing my waist to help me down the car.

"You look like sex on ten-foot legs!" He adds and I shake my head, pushing at him playfully as we get on his motorcycle.

"Where the hell are you going?!" Sharise pokes her head out of the roof.

"I'll catch up to you in a minute!" I tell her.

"Viv--" the light turns green and Robbin doesn't waste any time with getting gone, cutting Sharise short.

I don't know if it's the loudness of the bike, mixed with the wind and Black Sabbath blaring through speakers I'm assuming he managed to beg someone to build into the Harley, or him smelling like a bar, so I know he's probably drunk and I'm focused on not getting myself killed, but I manage to get my mind off of all the bullshit that just seems to keep getting heaped on loads at a time.

We get to the Cathouse, eventually, which is where Sharise and I were headed, and Robbin comes to a stop and parks his bike and I swing my leg back over the side and put my heels back on, reaching for the strap to buckle it, but failing.

Before I can grab it, he's crouching down and putting my foot on his knee, fastening it for me before he does the other.

"Thank you." I tell him as he finishes.

"Wouldn't want you to break a nail." He replies sarcastically.

"Ha ha, smartass." I state and he chuckles, standing up, as I think back to earlier.

"What 'trouble' am I in?" I ask him.

"You think I didn't see you come running in with Duff while Nikki was OD'ing?"

"You managed to see that while you were running out of the room to get outta dodge?" I ask him, smartly.

"I helped Slash's girlfriend for a minute while they were getting you and Duff." He explains. "I got out of there before you had a caniption and killed all of us."

"I wouldn't have killed you." I argue. "Make you wish you were dead, sure, but actually kill you, no."

He smiles a little and rubs his lips together.

"So, Nikki knows about you two?"

"Yeah."

"And he still wants to work things out?"

"Yeah...no reason for him not to when he cheated on me with Vanity, first."

He just smiles and nods.

"I'm glad you two are doing that." He tells me. "I was really bummed when I heard he'd filed for divorce."

"Well, we're not outta the woods yet." I mumble and he furrows his brows.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm knocked up, Robbin." I blurt, and he looks down at me with this expression on his face of confusion and unamusement.

"That shit's not funny, Viv." He states to me.

"I'm fucking pregnant, Robbin, I'm not trying to be funny."

I snap out of it when Robbin repeats his question, "what do you mean?"

"Oh, sorry...I don't know...I forgot what I was gonna say." I say next, wishing I could actually tell him I'm pregnant.

When we get inside and get to VIP, Sharise is sitting with her arms crossed, brows raised at me when I sit down.

"What?" I ask her.

"You ditched me for a boy." She tells me, pouting.

"I didn't ditch you." I reply.

"You so ditched me."

"...Yeah, I did." I admit, smiling and she nudges me with her elbow, saying, "you better be glad he's cute or I'd be more pissed over it," and I laugh as she finishes her drink.

After a night of dancing and pretending I'm not reaping the consequences of my exponential crisis, I'm dropped off at home.

When I get inside, I see flowers on the small table in the foyer, and smile a little, seeing the little card that reads, "VIVIAN."

I pluck the paper from the vase and turn it over to read it.

See you Wednesday

—Nikki

My smile grows wider before slowly falling.

I'm not sure he'll even want to be with me after Wednesday.

I feel guilty because I know he's probably decently looking forward to getting all of this over with and starting over, yet here I come with a damn baby.

Putting the card back with the flowers and placing them on the kitchen counter, I go to my bathroom to get a shower.

Once I'm done, I'm staring at myself in the mirror, studying to see if there's any noticeable changes…

My boobs are slightly bigger, nothing too, too obvious--I guess Doc's observant.

I do look like I'm glowing a little bit, but I can blame that on starting fresh with Nikki and how happy I am because of it.

I open the bathroom drawer and pick up the little ultrasound picture I had taken.

A sick part of me has been hoping I'd miscarry by now so I wouldn't have to turn mine, Nikki's and Duff's lives into a shitshow, but I was told the baby's healthy.

I'm not sure why the hell my body refused to grow anything in it, I guess I should've looked into it after my third miscarriage in a row, but I didn't want to pry at myself. I just wanted to forget I was pregnant at all.

I regret that, now, though...I don't want to get a couple months in and BAM! no more baby, like in the beginning of '86. I should've looked into it earlier and so I could have figured out what was causing it so I couldn't let it happen anymore.

Despite us not speaking in years, I was certain my mother had, indeed, still managed to screw me over one last time. My uterus was septated and had gone unnoticed in ultrasounds for years--either by the hands of shitty technology or shitty technicians and doctors that didn't say anything about it. Apparently it was a genetic mutation that women could be born with and was a mystery in itself, but a part of me always blamed my mom.

September 1987

"Wait, wait, wait," I chuckle, Duff's lips on my neck.

Before I even realize what's happening, my back is hitting the mattress of the bed I share with Nikki while Duff's lips are tugging along the skin of my neck, coaxing a light vapor of moans from my throat while I grab at the bottom of his shirt, tugging it over his head.

Mine's next, lips pressing down my chest as his hands slide under my back to get my bra off.

My back arches to let the fabric escape, all while my hands pull at my panties, getting them down my legs before I'm kicking them off, the two of us chuckling, his lips coming back to mine while he goes for his belt buckle.

It's hard to pretend he's Nikki, like I catch my mind trying to do, because he's not as rough as Nikki is. His kiss is sweet and gentle--not weak by any means, and its still hot, but Nikki's is dominantly aggressive and attentive without even meaning to be…

"Condom," Duff says pulling his lips from mine.

"We don't have any." I tell him, catching my breath.

"...I'll see if I have some in the car."

"You can just pull out." I suggest, not wanting him to give me time to change my mind about this.

"Are you sure?" He asks me, fingertips running over my cheek.

"Yes." I grin and he slowly smiles and leans down again, kissing me.

I screw my eyes shut when he slowly pushes into me, letting out a groan under his breath while I take in a sharp breath, nails biting into his back.

"Are you okay?" He asks me, and I nod, eyes still closed.

"Yeah." I sigh out, hands grabbing at his arms, nails biting into the tattoo on his bicep as he pulls out of me and pushes back inside, huffing out a sharp breath, his forehead against mine as I lean up and kiss him, humming as he starts thrusting into me steadily, overwhelmingly so.

Unlike Nikki, he's not ferociously aggressive for the most part. He's more so gently aggressive.

I can't contain the near squeak that emits from my throat as he continues in and out of me, my arms and legs desperate to get him as close to me as possible.

The more I show that I'm feeling good, the more comfortable he gets, and the more deliberate his movements are.

"It--" I'm cut short when he pushes against my cervix, and my eyes roll back.

He's about to pull back out but I wrap my legs around him and pull him back in as I beg, "no, no, please, right there."

He looks down at me, eager to please, looking me in the eye as he pushes against it, again, a sharp shiver shuttering up my back and I cry out, arching my back when his fingers go to my clit.

My hands dig into the sheets, gasps and whimpers leaving me as he watches me, patiently, like he's studying me in the throes of stupidity and pleasure.

I'm trying to crawl away when he grins and starts hounding at me, repeatedly hitting the spot in me that has tears pooling in my eyes from pleasure.

"Please, don't stop." I ask him, my voice weak, and he sits back on his knees, pulling me onto him, grabbing my hips, guiding quick movements into me, making my thighs tense up while he looks down at my tits and the sight of him fucking me, before his eyes catch at my hip bone.

"Do you like it?" I ask him and he runs his thumb over the "D" in my skin and looks at me before kissing me, quickening his pace again, hitting my sweet spot once more several times while I tighten around him.

"Are you gonna come?" He asks me, and I nod, not able to speak.

I push him down to the mattress and straddle him before I brace myself on his chest and start riding him.

"Fuck," he says as he watches me, probably not able to believe we're having sex.

My orgasm hits me in a wave, my head back, my hands moving over his on my waist, before he sits up and pulls my lips to his hotly, our tongues dancing as he wraps his arms around me.

In a couple more minutes, he's holding me still while thrusting up into me desperately, and I feel my brain swimming on dopamine as sweat rolls down my spine.

"I'm gonna come." He tells me, shutting his eyes and licking his lips for a second before looking down at himself going in and out of me.

"Then come." I say softly, leaning forward, kissing, licking, and biting up his neck.

Duff lets out a sharp breath, his hands pulling me down onto him while he gives one last thrust into me, warmth spreading throughout me as his cum coats my insides.

"Fuck." I whimper out, my hips flexing, at the feeling.

"How the fuck could he cheat on you?" He asks me, reeling off his sex-high, his eyes running all over my glistened skin before he's sitting up, wrapping his arms around me. "You're so fucking flawless." He adds and I smile at him, brushing the hair from his face before kissing him.

Once I get off of him and lay beside him in the bed, he's looking up at our mirrored ceiling, that's recently been replaced ever since I broke it throwing a tantrum.

"That was…" I start, realizing what I'd just done, and he looks at me, his brows furrowed slightly.

"Are you okay?" He asks me, sitting up, probably thinking I'm about to cry.

"Yes, I'm fine." I assure him. "It's just strange to have sex without being left right after." I add, remembering the more times than not that Nikki would leave to go out after we got done.

"I'm not leaving." He tells me, his hand brushing against my cheek.

"I know." I reply, closing my eyes, my face resting against the pillow as tiredness creeps up on me.

He lays back down beside me, pulling me closer to him, and comfort consumes my body…

...Right before the roaring of Nikki's Harley pulling into the driveway shatters it.

I snap up, Duff doing the same.

"Is that…?" He asks me, eyes wide.

"Shit!" I whisper yell, the two of us getting out of bed.

He nearly trips, pulling his jeans back on, and I'm pulling my silk robe on, grabbing Duff's shoes, heading for the guest bedroom closet.

Once he's hidden, having to crouch uncomfortably to fit under the shelf, I'm running back to our room, spraying a few sprays of my perfume to throw off the sex smell.

I rush to the bathroom to wet a washcloth and get Duff's cum, that's leaking down my legs now, off, just as I hear Nikki's boots stomping into our room.

I finish cleaning up as fast as possible and get back out there to see him shirtless.

"H-Hey." I nervously greet him, regretting not fixing my hair from its roused state.

He glances at me and does a double take, his eyes snaking up my exposed legs before he's looking at me.

A slick smirk falls on his lips as he says:

"Whatcha been doing?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, eyes wide.

"I know what you look like post-orgasm, Viv. There's no shame in having fun with yourself." He adds and I nearly sigh out with relief. He thinks I've been masterbating. Perfect. "Infact," he steps closer, making me step back until my back hits the wall, and he puts his hand beside my head, trapping me in, "it's really hot."

I shift uncomfortably as his other hand moves to the curve of my hip, slipping under the robe to palm at my ass cheek, and I have to force myself to hold back a moan when his hand suddenly comes down to harshly give one good smack to my flesh before rubbing over my stinging skin.

"Don't stop just because I pulled up." He tells me, motioning to the messy bed. "Keep doing your thing and I'll just observe." He grins, his hand moving to my throat. "Might even get the camera out like the good ole days."

I can't seem to make myself talk, my breathing heavy, my tongue being bit between my teeth.

We stare at each other another moment before he loses his grin and runs the thumb of his other hand across my lip.

He leans down and I let out a breath.

"Nikki," I start softly, about to pull away as best as I can but he stops me, pressing his lips to mine for a second.

Our tongues meet soon after, and he's running his hands down my back, before pulling me up to wrap my legs around his waist, causing me to let out a moan as my back's against the wall while he threads his fingers through my hair.

I snap out of it when my back hits the mattress, his hands sliding under my robe to run over my stomach, up my ribs to run over my breasts before grazing down my sides.

"Nikki." I say after a moment, the two of us catching our breath.

"Take your robe off." He ignores me, pressing a kiss to the center of my chest.

"Nikki, no." I deny him. "It wouldn't be smart for us to do that."

"Why not? You've already drawn up divorce papers or something?" He stands up, pulling away from me.

"You're drunk." I bite at him, annoyed. "And what are you doing home? You don't come back home until morning, usually."

"Tommy puked on me, I had to change shirts." He says. "Not that I owe you a fucking explanation."

"Never said you did, Nikki. It was just a question."

"No, but you're looking pissed that I'm here so that's why I am."

"I'm not pissed, can you stop assuming things?"

"Whatever, Viv." He grumbles as I stand up, too.

"Yeah, whatever, Nikki."

"Oh my God, just shut the fuck u--" he stops abruptly, and I'm confused until I see he's focused on my hip bone, that's been exposed by my robe failing me when it shifts, and I see he's focused on the "D" on my hip.

He steps closer to me, angling his head in every direction to see it clearly, even laying on the carpet and looking at it from below, the same confused expression on his face.

When he gets off the floor, he's on his knees, holding at my hips to look at it from centimeters away.

"Nikki, cut it out." I scold him, trying to move away from him but he stops me.

"Ya know, the funniest thing is happening. I haven't taken anything hallucinogenic, but I swear I see a 'D' on your hip bone." He tells me and I finally get out of his grip as he stands back up, studying my expression. "Oh, hell fucking no, you did n--I know you do not have a fucking 'D' on your fucking body."

I had one in me a few minutes ago.

"It's not a 'D', Nikki."

"I may not have graduated but I know my ABCs, Vivian, and that's a fucking 'D'!"

"It's a Roman numeral for '100'!" I say back, smartly. "To represent the least number of times you fucked Vanity while we were together, so I'll never forget!"

"We're still together, Vivian!" He screams.

"Really?! Is that why you screw groupies almost every night on the road?!"

"Because I get lonely because my wife refuses to acknowledge me without screaming my fucking head off!"

"You were screwing another woman even when I wasn't perpetually angry at you, Nikki, what the fuck are you talking about 'lonely'?!"

"You know what I mean!" He yells back. "See, I can't even come home without you starting a fucking fight!"

"Then freaking get out!" I throw my hands up.

"I am!" He shouts, getting his shirt on and grabbing the keys to his bike and heading to the door and I follow him.

"Good!" I scream back.

He leaves, slamming the door, and I exhale sharply, forcing back tears, letting out a frustrated groan before throwing one of our wedding photos at the wall.

When I start back to our room, Duff is cautiously waiting in the hallway looking at me with a sad expression.

"Don't worry about it." I assure him, kissing his cheek, before stepping back to the bedroom.

"Don't worry about it." He didn't have anything to worry about then, but look at what five months did.

I shut the door of my car, looking at the apartment Duff's now sharing with Mandy, and let out a breath.

Tucking the picture of a teeny-tiny little thing growing in me into my purse, I head up and knock on his door hesitantly, hearing Mandy call, "coming!"

She opens the door and her eyes light up when she sees me, a big grin coming to her face, a softness to her sweet eyes that makes my stomach turn with nausea.

"Hey, Viv!" She greets me, stepping aside as if it's muscle memory.

Why does she have to make this so hard on me? Why can't she be a raging bitch?

"Hey, Mandy." I reply, going inside, glancing around.

"What's up?" She asks and I rub my lips together.

"I really need to talk to you and Duff." I reply and she furrows her brows.

"Are you okay?"

"Just have a seat." I tell her.

"O-Okay…" she goes to the living room and sits down. "Duff, c'mere!" She calls as I sit across from her, nervously fumbling with my hands.

"What's u--hey, Viv." He says, smiling at me as he dries his hair with a towel.

"She said she needs to talk to us." Mandy says, her tone causing him to look at me, cautiously.

"What's wrong?" He asks and I can hear my blood pressure in my ears.

"...I just...really, really, need to tell you something important." I say as he sits down.

"Alright." He clears his throat, the two of them staring at me and I realize I'm not freaking talking to them at all.

Just looking at them like a scared puppy.

"What's going on, Viv?" He asks me.

I decide maybe speaking right away is best, opening my purse and grabbing the photo, leaning forward to hand it to him.

He takes it and Mandy both look at it where I have him/her circled in a red marker, confused…

"Is this…" Mandy starts and stops, eyes shooting up at me. "Are you pregnant, Vivian?"

I swallow the lump in my throat.

"I'm pregnant." I admit out loud.

A smile comes to their faces, which throws me off completely.

"This is good, isn't it?" Duff asks me, handing the picture back, "I mean, you and Nikki are working things out and he's sobering up...I think it's a good thing, you know?" He shrugs, his smile reaching ear to ear.

"Yeah." Mandy agrees and I have to take deep breaths to keep from crying.

"Duff, Mandy," I start, my voice cracking, "Duff," I repeat and his smile slowly, very, very, slowly fades as if he knows exactly what I'm saying before I finally say, "I'm pregnant."

#gateway drug #nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction

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nolongerwrites · 4 years

Text

Lemme just repost this because my dumbass deleted it by accident a couple of weeks ago 💀

I know the lyrics are misplaced I’m too lazy to fix it rn

How to disappear

“Cuts on his face 'cause he fought too hard”

“I know he's in over his head”

“But I love that man like nobody can”

“He moves mountains and pounds them to ground again”

“I watched the guys getting high as they fight For the things that they hold dear”

“To forget the things they fearThis is how to disappear...”

It had been almost 4-5 years since you’d last seen him. Last you’d Seen the way he’d smile at you when you would walk in the room. The way you would wrap your arms around him from behind when you thought he least expected it, the way you’d cuddle up against him at night like it was the only way you could sleep, the addictive kisses you’d share when no one was watching.

Dazai and you were inseparable. Everyone in the port mafia knew you two were basically connected at the hip. They would talk about the way you two would sneak off and do god knows what when you were supposed to be working. But that was a long time ago. When he disappeared leaving only a note on what had happened and why he needed to leave, it felt as if your whole heart had been torn up to pieces and set on fire.

You were mad. Upset. Confused. Why didn’t he take you with him? Had everything you’d done together and the time spent with each other meant nothing?

You knew odasaku was his best friend but weren’t you also? It may have been selfish of you to think that way but After Dazai’s disappearance you fell into a deep state of depression. You became a completely different person from the way you carried yourself to the lack of sympathy for others. Everyone in the mafia stood clear of you even on assignments and in the halls of the mafias headquarters.

You killed without a second thought unlike before and It didn’t matter who it was you were interrogating, if they didn’t speak up the first time you tortured them until they spilt the info you were looking for only for you to kill them off brutally.

You had become one of the most dangerous and ruthless executives the mafia had, even chuuya wouldn’t try and mess with you.

“Cry on his shoulder 'cause life is hard”

“The waves came in over my head”

“What you been up to, my baby?”

“I haven't seen you 'round here lately “

Fast forward those painful years and here you were now, On your way to inspect a wear house down at the port that supposedly had some suspicious looking figures lurking around it.

Mori had assigned you to just take a look at take out anyone who didn’t look like his men. But

halfway there, as you were driving in one of the cars belonging to the mafia, you had gotten a call from chuuya.

You picked up your phone and answered it hoping it was just another assignment so you could go home and sleep. You were awfully exhausted.

“What’s up” you stated blankly as you turned a corner. “You might wanna come back. Mori specifically asked for you..” chuuya sounded like he was nervous to talk to you. More than normal. “I’m already half way there can’t he wait-“ you were cut off as chuuya called your name sternly.

“ we have a prisoner that needs to be interrogated, a former mafia member..” there was a pause on your end that racked his nerves to the core, yet he continued on.

“... you can probably take a guess who it is...” the car had stopped before he could even finish that sentence. Your grip on the steering wheel was insanely tight, you were surprised you hadn’t broke it already. Blank clouded eyes stared on into the empty road in front of you and as a few minutes past, you could hear chuuya clear his throat which prompted to snap you out of your daze.

“I’ll be right there.” Was all you said as you hung up and turned your car around. Something inside you said you knew exactly who it was

“All of the guys tell me lies, but you don't”

“You just crack another beer”

“And pretend that you're still here”

“This is how to disappear”

Your footsteps echoed through the hall with every slow step you took. You were full of every kind of emotion you could possibly feel. Your ability felt like it was going to erupt like a bird set free from its cage. With every new step you took, your body was telling you to go back. You wouldn’t be able to handle it. But this was the job you’ve devoted yourself to, and you weren’t going to back out now. Chuuya had warned everyone in the building before you got there so the halls were practically empty.

They’d heard the rumors about you and they didn’t dare cross your path in a situation like this. Before you knew it you were in front of the door to the dark, empty brick room used to interrogate.

You took a deep breath a few times in an attempt to calm the beast inside you. You counted to three before slowly opening the door to the room..Dazai stood there chained to the wall by his wrists, waiting for someone to walk in. Of course being dazai, he was singing some song about a double suicide. It had been a while since anyone had come down here. Worst case scenario, that short asshole Chuuya would come down and maybe give him a punch or two (or more likely try and kill him).

What he didn’t expect however, was to see your silhouette standing at the top of the stairs. The second he saw you standing there, in your black, ankle long skirt and grey ruffled blouse that slid off your shoulders exposing the skin of your collar bones and neck which was covered in black cloth like a choker, dazai felt his whole body freeze.

“This is how to disappear”

His eyes were wide with shock as you stepped foot by foot down the stairs. The black heels you were wearing clicked and echoed through the musty room. Before he knew it you were only about 3 feet in front of him.

You never lost eye contact with dazai even as you stopped directly in front of him. Nothing was said. The silence was deafening. It wasn’t until he let out a shaky breath and looked to the floor, that his smile from before returned. When he looked back up to you he could see the pain and mixed emotions behind those empty eyes.

The same eyes that would look at him lovingly the nights the both of them spent in his bed together. The same eyes that told him countless times that they’d loved him more than words could describe. The same eyes that had touched his heart like no other person could. It hurt him to see that they were so empty and clouded now. A distant gaze that would have him dead if looks could kill.

“Its been a while hasn’t it? You’ve gotten taller..” but before he could continue on about the things that had changed about you, His cheek felt like it was on fire. You were standing directly in front of him in a split second, hand colliding with his face as dark purple serpent created of smoke and poison manifested behind you standing almost 12 feet tall.

but it only stood there unmoving no matter how many times you commanded it to attack. Your hand colliding with his cheek again in a fit of rage.

Before he could even react, your knee reached his abdomen in a striking kick to the gut. Hit after hit, you kept going until you could no longer hold onto the pure raw emotion that was going through your head. And for the first time in years, Your grunting turned into sobs, and sobs into screams.

You hit him until your last punch was nothing more that a slight push. You felt weak. Tears had been streaming down onto your shirt and they wouldn’t stop. Dazai spit some blood on the floor before turning his gaze to you again. You were facing the floor as your body shook and trembled with every sob that wracked through you.

“‘it’s been a while’? ‘ITS BEEN A WHILE’??! Really dazai?! That’s ALL you have to say? After what you put me through after you left!? After everything we did?? That’s all you have to say..?!?”.

Dazais heart felt like it was shattering. When you looked back up to him he saw your puffy red eyes and face. The pain from your assaults were nothing compared to the look you were giving him as salty tears rolled down your cheeks. He said nothing.

Even as the blood from his head dripped onto the floor between you both. In almost a second, the chains and cuffed that kept him against the wall were broken and before you knew what had happened he enveloped you in what was literally was a bone crushing embrace.

You screamed and hit at him in an attempt to push him off you which only made him hold onto you tighter. The serpent faded away with his touch and disappeared into the air. You eventually stopped hitting him as your knees felt too weak to hold your body up.

You both dropped to the floor. Dazai did not once letting his grip slack, even as he carried all your weight. He buried his face into your hair as he rocked you back and forth with each cry you let out.

It wasn’t until you slowly put your hands on his back did you feel his own tears fall onto your shoulder. “I’m so sorry... I’m so so sorry...” dazais voice was barely a whisper in your ear. “I loved you so much dazai... I loved you more than anything... why didn’t you take me with you...?” you gripped his coat as you continued to cry in his arms.

“I’m sorry...”

“The California sun and the movie stars”

“I watched the skies getting light as I write As I think about those years”

“As I whisper in your ear”

“I'm always going to be right here”

“No one's going anywhere..”

#bsd dazai #bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #angst #dazai osamu #dazai x reader #BSD #bungou stray dogs #im retarded okay #idek how i deleted it #Spotify #it was one of my first works on here ik its bad

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wakaoujisenhime · 4 years

Note

Can you make a part 2 on the levi angst? like maybe a few months later and they still haven't reconciled because levi believes the reader doing well without him then the reader gets badly injured and u can decide what happens next :))

A/N: Of course I can! I actually got a second request from @/centerhabit and even a third one from @/blancc-bunny to finish it so I hope you guys enjoy this happy and fluffy continuation! ੧(❛▿❛✿)੭

Tags: Levi x reader ✅ SFW ✅ slight angst ✅ fluff ✅

image/art source: DeviantArt [art by Bev-Nap]

━━━━☆ ━━━━☆ ━━━━☆

By my side - Levi x reader

A few months had passed since you had broken up with Levi and you genuinely felt better. Your small inferiority complex had subsided and thanks to Hanji you felt like everyday was a small adventure on its own. It kinda pained you to admit that you felt much safer by her side than when you were alongside Levi’s squad.

But if you felt that much better...then what was that empty feeling you couldn’t get rid of?

The answer was simple, but you didn’t want to admit it since you felt like you had no right to actually mourn what had happened. You were the one who wanted to end it all after all. Levi begged you not to do it and tried apologizing to you countless of times, but no matter what he did or said, you just shook your head and remained silent.

“(Y/N)! Are you even listening?”

Hanji’s cheerful and loud voice interrupted your train of thoughts, making you realize that as of right now the two of you were sharing a table in the Survey Corps’ lunchroom while having a small meal before starting your day.

“Sorry Hanji, I was just thinking about something. Would you mind running that by me again?“

With a small pout on her lips she obliged and answered: “So, as I was saying...Erwin asked us to go out today and examine a titan they caught a day ago.“

It was hard to not get hyped up for the mission while observing the big grin on her face.Instead of answering, you nodded multiple times, excited to finally be able to go out again which just resulted into you being teased by your comrade ending with the two of you laughing loudly attracting all kind of looks from the cadets.

But there was one look in particular that differed from any other.

Levi...

He looked at you from the corners of his eyes while silently drinking his tea. Seeing you smile like that made him feel relieved, he had always known that a smile suited you way more than anything else, but knowing that you were able to smile like that because he wasn't a part of your life anymore only made him feel worse.

Every time he looked at you, Levi couldn't help but remember the fight you guys had back in his office. The moment you jumped at him and began punching his face, he was quite startled and even if he could have protected himself he decided against it, knowing that you weren't that type of person to randomly throw punches without a good reason.

After you had broken up with him, he himself was quite depressed and even if he tried hiding it it was taking a toll on him. It all started with small mistakes like being slightly late or forgetting to tie his shoelaces, but it all took a turn to the worse when his mistakes began getting in the way of his missions. Erwin had then called him to his office, he didn't ask any questions since he already knew what the reason behind Levi's change was. All he did was promise to tell him everything what happened around and with you in exchange for Levi reverting back to his old self.

That idea seemed good at first and it even motivated him to a degree, but after some weeks he realized that he might have been better off not knowing anything. He was in constant worry for you and gruesome scenarios just kept on entering his head and dominating his thoughts, the worst part of it all was that up until now you've only been on missions inside of the walls, but never outside...not up until now.

Yesterday Erwin had left him a small note on his desk that said Hanji and you would be leaving the walls to examine a titan, he almost fainted then and there but the thought that he'd see at least see you one more time before that made him worry less.

Suddenly Hanji's loud voice interrupted his train of thoughts. She was standing right besides his table, wide grin on her face and next to her was none other than you...smiling. Smiling? Yes, you were smiling. At him no less. Even if this wasn't your most brightest smile, his heart was still thumping hard against his chest, but thanks to his permanent poker face he was able to hide his excitement quite well from the both of you.

"What do you want shitty glasses?"

The woman completely ignored his harsh comment and proceeded telling him about your mission. Not only was your former capitan good in hiding his emotions but he was also pretty good in acting. The whole time Hanji talked he simply nodded and took several glances at you which you failed to notice. She couldn't finish her entire repertoire, thanks to Mike who came over urging you two to get yourselves ready for the departure.

You whispered a quiet 'goodbye' to your former capitan, but before you could follow your superior, Levi suddenly grabbed your wrist. His hold was firm, but also gentle at the same time, it made you unintentionally remember the times he had held you and that only caused your heart rate to quicken.

"(Y/N)...please be careful"

His gentle voice didn't help you with your embarrassment, the only thing it did was worsen it. You refused to look into his face so you just nodded.

Levi sighed, letting go of your wrist as walked past you. The only thing you could do was close your eyes, praying that he didn't see how red your face was.

——

How could this happen?

All you did was turn around in order to look at the countless notes Hanji had thrown on the ground. Who could’ve thought that the Titan would use that short moment to actually grab you?

A small shriek had left your mouth when you felt the enormous hand tightly wrap around your body. Fortunately Erwin had sent you out with some soldiers (just in case) and they didn’t hesitate to come to your aid before the titan squeezed the life out of you. You were saved quickly, but you didn’t come out of that situation unharmed.

——

“What the hell happened?”

Levi was fuming.

The moment he saw Mike and some other soldier carry you on a stretcher, he dropped everything he was working on and was running after them asking question after question, managing to convince Mike to explain everything that had happened.

Seeing humanity’s strongest soldier sitting in front of the nursing room completely hunched over, face buried in his hands was something no one would’ve dared to even dream about so seeing exactly that was beginning to make some soldiers question either their vision or their sanity.

But Levi couldn’t care less about all of that, right now the only thing he cared about was your health. He still had a lot of questions for Mike, but Levi figured that he’d like to hear the rest from the doctors. He didn’t want any motivational lies...all he wished for right now was the hard truth.

“Captain Ackerman, our work’s done.”

Without looking up the captain just let his hands sink and he stood up, eyes still fixated on his shoes. He didn’t utter a single word, but the doctors knew what he wanted so they provided him with exactly that.

“Everything’s fine now. Luckily (Y/N) was brought here quite quickly so we were able to prevent any fatal injury that would’ve resulted from her broken rib.”

The tension immediately left Levi’s body after he took a deep breath, eyes finally facing forward. Once again words weren’t needed, the soldier just walked towards the nursing room’s closed door and opened it as quietly as he could.

——

You slowly came back to your senses due to a sharp pain in your chest, your whole body felt like it had been hit by a gigantic truck and when you recalled what actually got you in this situation in the first place, it wasn’t that much of a surprise.

But there was something else besides pain. You felt a gentle warmth envelop your left hand, making you wonder if that was just your imagination.

So you slowly began opening your eyes and the first thing you saw was the familiar ceiling of the nursery room. With slow movements you turned your head to the left and what you saw stunned you.

The person who was holding your hand and gently circled your knuckles with his fingers was Levi. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts since he still hadn’t noticed you glancing at his profile.

“Levi...”

The sound of your raspy voice immediately made him turn his head and look at you, worry contorting his normally calm facial features.

“(Y/N)...you’re awake. Oh thank god”

Seeing him wrap both of his hands around your own while silently whispering ‘thank you’ multiple times made your heart ache and you could feel how some tears were slowly making your eyes glassy.

“I can’t do this anymore (Y/N). Every single day I’m worried sick when I hear that you’ll be on a mission without having me by your side and today I even warm you to be careful and look what happens! Your broken rib could’ve perforated your lungs or even worse your heart! What would I have done if that happened, huh?!”

Levi raising his voice like that was something you had never seen happening and additionally to that he himself looked like he was about to cry and that made you feel even sadder.

You watched him completely lose his calm composure, watched his poker face being substituted by countless other expressions you had never seen, watched his whole body tremble like a leaf that was being shaken by the wind, watched how his lips moved quicker than ever before and the only thing you could do was slowly get up and embrace him.

Even if your chest still hurt you just ignored the pain and held him tighter against you. His trembling body began calming down until he finally wrapped his arms as carefully as he could around your body to show you that he was now calm enough and that it was fine to let him go, but you refused.

“You’re being unfair (Y/N), embracing me like that and then refusing to let me go. How am I supposed to forget you under these circumstances?”

“Said the person who waited for me to wake up.”

He placed his forehead in the crack of your neck and sighed in defeat, you on the other hand just giggled and gently caressed his back. Somewhere deep inside of you you had missed that warm feeling of his embrace.

“(Y/N)...I love you, I’ve never stopped loving you. Since our fight I’ve been thinking nonstop about you and the things you said to me, made me realize that it was completely wrong of me to use you as my punching bag and I regret it...I really regret it. I even thought that it really might be better for you to not be by my side since I saw how much more cheerful you were compared to back then, but please let me be selfish about one thing. I want you- no...I want us to be back together like before, laugh with each other like before, spend time together like before and most importantly...love each other like before. P-Please...allow me to change everything I did wrong by myself so that I can make you happy again.”

He had no idea just how much it pained you to find out his true feelings, but you were more overjoyed to actually find out that he still loved and wanted you back as much as you wanted him. So you decided to answer him by simply kissing his lips, letting the kiss do all the talking for you, Levi afraid that this would be your last kiss just cupped your face and returned it with the same passion.

When you wanted to separate yourself from him, the man simply whispered a low ‘one more time’ and continued kissing you until his and your lungs gave out.

It was now your turn to answer him, but first you had to catch your breath while he simply continued kissing your face and neck.

“Levi, you have always been on my mind, even after our fight, but I kept on thinking that I had absolutely no right to mourn since I was the one suggesting a breakup. I realized just how lonely I felt without you by my side, but I tried to mask it with fake smiles and laughter, hoping that it would be easier for me to let go of you..but I just couldn’t. And no Levi...I’m not going to allow you to change yourself on your own.”

The man didn’t know if he should be happy or sad since your last statement gave him mixed feelings, but the wide smile you showed him was answer enough.

“You are going to change yourself while standing...by my side.”

#aot x reader #snk x reader #snk fluff #aot fluff #snk angst #aot angst #snk scenarios #aot scenarios #levi x reader #━𝚂𝙽𝙺 #━𝙰𝙾𝚃 #━𝙰𝙽𝙾𝙽'𝚂 𝙴𝙲𝙷𝙾 #━𝚅𝙸𝚂𝙸𝚃𝙾𝚁'𝚂 𝙴𝙲𝙷𝙾 #centerhabit #blancc-bunny

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animeraider · 3 years

Text

I get a lot of flack from anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers, and other fuckwits about my words on the COVID-19 Pandemic and in particular the response to it in the US. I pull no punches about it, I believe firmly that the previous administration and ANYONE who enables them and their policies are complicit in the deaths of all of these people. They belong in prison.

I'm not going to fucking apologize for believing that. The fault for all of this belongs directly in the laps of the Republican Party. If you believe otherwise, you're WRONG. I can bring the receipts.

I've been pretty isolated during all of this. I went into lockdown on March 11, 2020 and I'm technically still there. I now work from home, and even though I've been fully vaccinated for two months now I still go out masked. I may never eat at a buffet again. Sorry Sizzler, but I've learned how to make your cheese bread.

I ripped a tendon in my left knee in May of 2020. I had to go to the hospital, but I was out in a few hours with crutches. I would joke with people that I'm now out of hinged joints to break.

But in July my cough returned with an attitude, and I picked up an infection. Not Covid, but it all made me pretty sick. So that you understand, I have what's called "Chronic Cough Syndrome". I've had it since I was 8. No one knows the cause or the cure. Believe me, we've looked. I just start coughing, and after a few months, I stop. It can be treated but I just have to live with it until someone comes up with something we haven't tried before.

Doctors have gotten into fistfights over whether or not I have Asthma. I don't, but sometimes Asthma medications work for a bit. To be honest, I've had this for so long that sometimes I don't even notice when I cough. It's just part of the wonder of being me.

I took the Pandemic seriously. I stayed home, I socially distanced, I got real familiar with teams, bluejeans, and zoom. I did a LOT of cooking. Started making bread. Watched the country fall apart at the seams and commented on it from my own little pocket of safety. I contributed a new song to a fund-raising effort for nurses. I did my part to stay safe, but my cough had other ideas.

Anyway, this time my coughing got pretty severe and I finally agreed to go to the hospital. As stated above, turns out I had picked up an infection. Combine that with my cough and I showed all of the symptoms of a severe case of COVID-19.

I'd been careful, but the hospital staff were all very cross with me. If I had COVID, I just exposed all of them, and the main nurse who tended to me had already been quarantined that same month for a different exposure. When the test came back negative the tension in the emergency ward calmed down immensely and everyone treated me kindly and professionally - I was a patient with something they knew what to do with and didn't bring plague into their house.

I spent 4 days in the hospital but the worst part, scariest part, was the wait to move from the Emergency Room to a private room. I came to the hospital in the late afternoon. I finally got my bed nearly 12 hours later, a good 8 hours after my test for COVID had come back negative.

I needed to be hospitalized, and needed a bed, and there weren't any. I had to wait for someone to either be discharged or to die.

I got my bed at 4 in the morning. Someone had died. Musical chairs was played and I was finally moved out of the Emergency Room.

It's really hard to understand how sobering that is without experiencing it. Many years ago, before we even knew about AIDS, I had the honor of donating blood and seeing it get used in a surgery mere minutes later. I became a regular blood donor at that moment - I felt so happy and alive that my blood had been used to save a life mere minutes after I had donated it (I'm O Negative) that I became a life-long believer. I donated every time I was eligible from that moment forward until a blood infection disqualified me from ever donating again 20 years later.

This was just the opposite. The guy with a cough and a treatable infection had to wait for someone on a ventilator to stop breathing. Someone with COVID died so that I could get a bed. They never knew this had happened, and I never learned who they were. Some random person died so that I could get better.

Try sleeping after that realization hits you. I couldn't. I barely slept the entire time I was there.

Despite the fact that I wasn't in the "COVID Ward" I got to see the effects first-hand. The newly disinfected bed and room I had was previously occupied by someone moved up to the Covid Ward. They in turn had moved up there after a ventilator was taken away from a patient who died. Staff rotated through different wards on different shifts. My first nurse was rotated into the Covid Ward. My next day nurse had just rotated out. I have never in my life seen a group of people look so haunted by their day to day lives.

A well-liked member of their staff was on a ventilator. So was a priest who worked in the hospital. I had never seen in person a "Code Blue". There were six of them my first day. There is also a "Code Black". It's much worse.

My wife and daughters weren't allowed to visit me. When your daily soundtrack is nothing but medical staff talking about the good and the bad, terrible television and the moaning/screaming of your new neighbors getting that visit from family is a huge stress relief. It wasn't available this time. I didn't see my family again until I was discharged. There was no outside world.

I admit that being in hospital during all of this, even though I myself didn't have COVID, shook me. When you're in hospital mostly what you deal with is yourself and your own condition, and getting the hell out of there as soon as you can. This time I was not only aware of the people around me, their conditions, their suffering and their recoveries, but I was also aware that a whole section of the building was dedicated to people who were going to die, and that the people who were treating me were also treating them.

This was as close as I got to the Pandemic. When I got home I fucking STAYED THERE. I went to the grocery store and the pharmacy and that was it. That was life for MONTHS.

Our grocery store was fantastic - they enforced social distancing and masks with gusto. They cleaned EVERYTHING. It had been a 24 hour store but converted to shorter hours so that the down time could be spent cleaning. Aisles were made one-way.

The first time I saw someone in the parking lot without a mask I have to admit that I lost it. I screamed at them (a white couple about my age), "PUT YOUR FUCKING MASKS ON YOU FUCKING MORONS!" Understand, I'm a fairly large man with a deep voice and have been a professional singer for decades and have played sax even longer. I'm loud and imposing. Everyone within 50 feet turned and stared at the couple. Okay, me first then the couple.

It's possible they didn't speak English. They exchanged a few words in Russian to each other and then masked up.

I've been known to let my temper show. I try not to because I know it's there and I know it's terrible. I've worked for decades to keep it in check and I just let it all out, screaming at a couple of rando Karens 20 feet away from anyone else who hadn't put their masks on yet. I had to acknowledge that this affected me profoundly. I'm dealing with that.

I've lost friends to COVID. One of my neighbors spent almost 3 months on a ventilator and survived it. Some of my friends have lost family. It hurts. It all hurts. It has changed me.

Some of you have noticed that I've been pretty productive in 2021 in terms of music, after not releasing material for over a decade. This whole experience has changed me, changed my perspective. I was already an angry liberal but I'm far angrier and much more liberal now than I was. The album I worked on forever essentially no longer exists. The person I am now couldn't make that album. I am excising demons and allowing the new to come in and take its place.

And you know what, so far, I'm okay. I'm still here. I intend to stay. In fact, what I intend to be the first song from my next album in its own way deals with the fact that I don't understand depression - I've never experienced it.

But I have to admit that I'm grateful to have family and friends in my life who accept me as I am, who provide unconditional love and support and I hope I do for them. I have the occasional doubt that I'm as good a friend/family member as I can be. I can be an ass sometimes.

(A couple of my long-time friends have just done spit-takes. "Sometimes????")

Because the scariest thing about what we've all been through - what I've been through - is that we have changed so much that I'm not sure that the people who know me best would be my friends if they met me as the person I am now. I am changed.

And the odds are pretty good that you have too. This is something we're all going to need to deal with, or we're lost.

Please, don't be lost.

And because it still needs doing, because the pandemic is still going strong as ever among the anti-vaxxers, the science deniers and the Republicans, please support our nurses. Here's the album I'm on that is still to this day, long after falling off the charts, raising money for them:

#Spotify

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frankenfae · 4 years

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It's ok. I like you a lot too that's why it kinda hurts when you fall from the pedestal I put you on... But it's not something that's 100 percent your fault. I think usually others put me on a pedestal, I'm just realizing I do the same. Maybe we all do when we're finding love, maybe we want to believe in the good only so seeing hints you could use me or you could just sign up for an online dating platform while we're together is so disheartening because I would never do that, like I told you I'm not dating my ex we haven't been called "in a relationship in years", and he's hurt me in the past but I still always told him when I was seeking out a new relationship actively I still tried to be as forthcoming as possible and never wanted him to feel like what we had wasn't special. I've done that with every person I've dated, I've told them when it ended, I've taken space for myself I've readdressed who I am and what I want and why I need to grow and find myself before putting that on another person so I guess that's why I'm a little let down. I thought you were more thoughtful.. you seem really kind but sometimes people aren't kind, sometimes they're self serving and sometimes kindness isn't kindness it's actually cowardice, and cowardice is a terrible quality for dating that person can't stand up and defend you, they can't defend their relationship-- any strong wind and they fall over. They seek out relationships and jump ship when things get hard and all relationships get hard and I guess I've known too many men I thought to be kind who wound up cowards and it makes me worried because it's far worse than a bad person you know where you stand with them, they're a little cruel they walk through life with a selfish streak and maybe you find that attractive because it's not who you are... But the kind cowards, they draw you in, they make you envision you'll be together forever, you pour heart into them, you protect them to both friend and foe and then one day you have a fight something small and stupid you think oh we'll get over it but no, it turns out that every little strong wind can knock this guy on his ass sang you're seeing that now. You're seeing him for who he is, he'll cry and apologize after, be sorry he fucked up but it'll be too late the trust will be broken and maybe cowardice goes hand in hand with laziness cause every guy I've known who was a coward was also truly incapable of rebuilding trust when it was broken and I made real sacrifices in those relationships.. I pushed myself for them. I grew and shifted. I kissed away they're tears and they kissed away mine when it was small, when it was easy, then a deep depression hit and a friend died and suddenly I wasn't cute or I had a lupus flare up and all my joints hurt everywhere and I was just crying in pain and that wasn't fun and yeah, of course it isn't always fucking fun. Relationships get hard on the BIG shit and the only real way it works out, like forever is if someone is in your corner fighting for the "Us" you created in your head and one of the reasons I have up on dating truly was I figured I might just never find that.. I'm in it for always when I like someone, everything you're embarrassed by, everything you find scary or hard makes me love you harder and to know you're not that kind of person shows me it's possible I'll just be doomed to relive the same things and that breaks my heart every time and usually in the end when I learn and see this fact, the strong streak of self serving cowardice and a lack of strength and conviction and moral fortitude that lies in them, I fall out of love. I lose interest in them. They're confused always like but wait, you said you'd be there for me forever and I'll say yes, your actions matter so much less than your true inner self to me.. mistakes will happen but the intention and meaning behind those choices can fully ruin any vision I had of you and instead of seeing a knight, a duty bound hero, a person worthy of trust in every regard who respects and cares for those around them in its place I find a whiny child.

#Personal #Don't reblog #Life log #Journal #I just need to talk about this #I guess #My life in text #Love thoughts #Jeremiah #When you meet someone new and they shatter the illusion of character and substance

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rfaandsaeranimagines · 7 years

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saeran comforting a mc (she/her) when she has a bad depression day (nothing specific) I haven't been feeling all that great lately :(((

((oh no! I’m so sorry that this is super late!! I hope this makes your day a bit brighter anon. Also MC’s description is based off of MC one))

Saeran and MC were going to go on a date when MC suddenly called up Saeran and cancelled. Saeran became super concerned because MC had been cancelling a lot, and she hadn’t called him in days. So, he decided to call her up and find out what was going on. It went to voicemail, and Saeran tried again. After the third call, a quiet little voice greeted him

“Hey Saeran. Sorry, I haven’t been feeling well lately.”“Are you alright? You’ve been cancelling a lot recently. Not that I’m worried about you or anything, I just wanted to make sure nothing was wrong”“I’m fine…” MC replied tiredly “That’s a fucking lie and you know it. What’s going on?” Saeran demanded“It’s nothing…my seasonal depression is hitting hard…and I’m having an especially bad day today…well a bad week actually.” MC admitted

Suddenly, Saeran hung up the phone, grabbed his jacket and wallet, and headed out in one of Seven’s cars. He ran to the store, picked up a few items, then headed straight to MC’s place. He was really worried, since he knew how bad depression could get. Hell, both him and his brother suffered from chronic depression.

MC was currently laying in bed, trying to muster up the motivation to get up. She hadn’t eaten all day, and she knew she couldn’t keep skipping meals, but getting out of bed was a challenge all on its own. Suddenly she heard a knock on the door, and she wondered who it was, but she didn’t have the energy to get up. Her phone buzzed, and she checked it to see that Saeran had sent a text telling her to let him in. She texted back that she had left the spare key under her welcome mat. Saeran put down the things he brought with him and checked under the mat to find that the key was attached to the bottom of the mat. He pulled it off and unlocked the door.

“MC? Where are you?” Saeran shouted into her apartment“Bed” MC answered groggily

Saeran brought the stuff in and closed the door. He then went into MC, and as soon as he got to the door, he heard her stomach growl loudly. MC blushed and tried to brush it off, but Saeran wasn’t having that. He asked her when the last time she had eaten was, and she admitted that it was yesterday…at lunch. Saeran sighed, knowing that meant that she had skipped dinner and breakfast. Her hair was matted since she hadn’t been brushing it, she was still in her pjs and Saeran knew she hadn’t changed in at least two days, and she just looked exhausted.

“MC. Let’s get you something to eat first and foremost.” Saeran sighed“Don’t wanna.” MC whined

However, even though Saeran knew that the depression was the cause of this, he also knew that she wouldn’t feel any better just staying in bed. So, ripping off the covers, he picked up MC, threw her over his shoulder, and carried the unwilling mc to the kitchen and plopped her down in a chair. She wasn’t really hungry, but at the same time she was starving…she just didn’t feel like making food because it was way too much work. Saeran then got the stove lit, and started boiling a pot of water.

“What are you doing? You’re a guest…lemme…” MC started before Saeran cut her off.“It’s just spaghetti and meatballs. Sit your ass down, I’ve got this.” Saeran scolded

MC didn’t have the energy to argue, and just let Saeran cook for her. After a few minutes, the pasta was done, and Saeran threw the meatballs into the microwave for a few minutes, put the meal together and placed a warm plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of MC.

“Eat.” Saeran commanded.

MC just sort of poked at her food, and took an occasional nibble.

“MC. Eat the food. I know you don’t want to, but your body will shut down if you don’t eat, so eat it before I shove the food down your throat.”

MC began eating begrudgingly, and Saeran nodded in approval. After they were done eating, Saeran did the dishes, and MC was going to head back to bed, but Saeran wasn’t going to let that happen. She obviously hadn’t been taking care of herself recently, so Saeran was going to make sure that she was well taken care of whether she liked it or not.

So he had her sit on the edge of the bed while he went into the bathroom and got her hairbrush. He then began to brush her long beautiful brown hair, although he wasn’t too gentle. MC ended up brushing her own hair since Saeran was going to rip her hair in half from all the knots in her hair. He felt rather guilty that he couldn’t even brush her hair, but felt a little better when he saw that she had trouble brushing her own hair.

After she was done brushing her hair, she just sat there looking sad, or rather, tired. Saeran couldn’t help but hug her from behind. He sighed happily when MC leaned back into his chest, and smiled gently. He cracked a rare smile and held MC tightly.

“Hey…I’m here for you MC…You can rely on me you know….also I don’t like seeing you depressed…that’s my job to be depressed, so please, let me know when you’re struggling.” Saeran reminded her, a slight blush gracing his cheeks

“Mmhm” Mc answered happily.

After he gently let go of MC, he told her that he had filled her cabinets with microwavable food, and he made her promise that she’d get a shower and take care of herself. MC agreed and promised that she would. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she began bawling. Saeran didn’t know what to do besides get her some tissues and awkwardly watch her sob.

“Ah, MC, stop crying! Please?” Saeran begged her as the tears fell from her eyes

“I’m such a burden. I made you come all this way just to take care of me! Why are you doing this?” MC asked sadly

“Because I love you,” Saeran answered without hesitating, “Because you deserve happiness, even if I don’t. Also, if you don’t take care of yourself, someone needs to kick your ass and tell you to take care of yourself. I….I don’t want you to end up hurting yourself like I did.”

MC then turned around and threw herself on top of Saeran, hugging him closely. He gently hugged her back and since, they were already on the bed, they decided to just get under the covers and cuddle, with Saeran occasionally playing with her hair or whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Neither of them could deny that they were happy and that this was one of their fondest moments together

#Anonymous #Mystic Messenger #MM #Mystic Messenger imagines #rfaandsaeranimagines #Minific #Saeran Choi #Mystic Messenger Saeran #MM Saeran #Mystic messenger Unknown #MM unknown #Depressed mc

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