#I don't often get to apply for jobs where I feel I'd be able to go by my actual preferred pronouns and be among likeminded people
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Man I just got a rejection back for a job I was really excited about..... I did try not to get my hopes up but it's always hard 😔
#wastepaper basket#I don't often get to apply for jobs where I feel I'd be able to go by my actual preferred pronouns and be among likeminded people#So this one stings yk. But at least I've got Something for now
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WIBTA if I withheld a job from my ex?
cw: maybe abuse?
My ex (28f) and I (24f) broke up two years ago. we're on decent terms, but I moved cross-continent and we don't talk often but are on good terms. every few months we chat and catch up. I don't think she's a bad person and have no ill-will towards her.
we got together when I was 19 and she was 24, which makes me feel weird now as a 24 year old, esp considering I was homeless and recently exiting a sex trafficking situation. I'm physically disabled- she had a physical government career (think military, first responder, etc) and had a good amount of muscle on me as a result. our relationship centered around substance abuse a Lot, and she did shove me, push me, etc. the worst thing she did was break my arm when I was trying to get her to eat when she was really drunk because I was worried about alcohol poisoning. I'm an addict tbf, but I didn't put my hands on her- I was awful, I'd leave for days after we fought and scare her, and that's not okay. I want to clarify that I'm also shitty in this scenario- I'd leave, I'd call her mean names, and not pick up the phone. overall, it was a toxic relationship on both our ends.
she left her government job, and I have gotten her a job since our breakup in the nonprofit work I do. The company I recommended her to operates hundreds of miles away from me, and so I wasn't worried about running into her, despite it being the same niche area of nonprofits. People there were uncomfortable once they found out she was my ex, because they were concerned about me when we were together, but she did well and genuinely helped out a really hard-up charity.
Recently, we've caught up- I never plan to get back with her, because someone breaking your arm is bad and I recognize that. My friends rightfully disapprove of us talking, but I needed some copies of vet records for my cat she had, and she asked if I knew anyone hiring. I am successful in my career and hold sway in the field I work in. I have worked at this one company I absolutely love working for, like I'm at my dream job, and I don't think it'd be appropriate to recommend her to apply. I am higher up now, and they would let me refuse to supervise her due to conflict of interest, but I just don't want her at the company. She's great at her job and would be a massive asset, esp bc it's a nonprofit and we struggle to find decent staff, but it'd freak out my work friends, she'd come into a similar environment as the last recommendation I gave, and I honestly just want to focus on my career without dealing with the stress of having her around, even though we're friends now, she still scares me a little.
So I told her to apply at companies I have a good reputation with but do not plan to work with again. It's basically the same job, same pay, as she would get if I offered her a job where I'm at, but my company has better policy and is more understanding. we're so understaffed in my field that people recommending friends, family, exes, whatever, to apply is normal and, frankly, appreciated, as long as they aren't working with them directly. I would be able to put her in an office on the other side of the country and never have to talk to her w work, but I just. Don't want her at this company, even though she'd help a ton and it's slightly better than the other jobs I've set her up with. She doesn't know I'm holding out, but AITA?
What are these acronyms?
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Just a Little Further 3
Part 1 2
We spent the next two weeks going from Warp Gate to Warp Gate without issue. We went through three known gates to make sure that the addressing module worked correctly and the crew knew what they were doing and how to work together.
I have to be honest with you. It was kind of boring.
I spent the time studying up on the Information Warfare Suite and decided to cross train on helm. Since there are so few of us, it was understood that if our main jobs weren't called for that often - like for example someone whose job it is to make sure we're not being bombarded with hostile messages and if necessary to send out own out - then we could cross train where a need was. I always wanted to know how to 'drive' a Starship and FarReach was up for letting me train, so I started to train to be Kieran's backup on helm.
Kieran was a nice enough person, though we didn't really click. We were polite and civil, but I don't think I'd ever call them a friend. But, we were all professionals and it wasn't an issue.
I have to admit, getting to steer and operate a gigantic Starjumper like FarReach was fun. In the end, because FarReach is a sapient AI and able to make their own choices, it was more like I was driving if they were busy doing something else and if they weren't busy I was making "recommendations" about where to go and what to do.
"But why Far? I asked them when I was back in my quarters, studying up on the orbital theory. "Plenty of AIs operate completely autonomously, why do you let us helm 'you'?"
Far chuckled. "It's a valid question Melody, and you're right, I don't need anyone to drive me, I can - and do - operate myself completely autonomously. But, when we're on a mission with a crew, it's a smart idea to have one or two people who also know how to drive. If I get distracted with something in battle - say keeping the reactors from detonating - then it's useful to have someone else who can steer us. Even when we're not in a battle, it's good to have a second set of eyes. Sometimes you see things I don't, or are able to make a leap before me and that keeps us safe. I don't mind sharing!"
I laughed. "So long as you don't mind, I'm having fun."
"I'm glad to hear it Melody."
****
By the end of the week, we were ready to gate over to the furthest known Gate, in Xenni space. We had applied for special permission to travel through the Xenni empire months previous. I swear sometimes it feels like they're going slow just to go slow. But eventually, we received our visa and address code for the gate.
When we had arrived, it looked like any of the Warp Gates. A large asteroid, maybe 10 kilometers in diameter, and on one side was a ring, sticking out into space another 10 or 15 kilometers. It was huge! It would be a tight fit, but even a colony ship would be able to use the gate.
Most of the gates in K'laxi space are well lit and even have a K'laxi station around them to facilitate people using the gate in an orderly fashion and reducing the chance for a collision. Way out here at a Gate that usually only the Xenni use, there was no such station. It was dark and cold and for all one could tell, looked dead.
I was on the command deck at my Information Warfare station - I'd be the one who would signal the gate before the addressing module took over and Captain Q'ari watched us drift closer to the gate. When we were a few dozen kilometers out from the gate, she ordered us to stop relative to it.
"Lieutenant Mullen" She said (I was on duty, so I expected it) "Please scan the Gate ahead and see if it responds to standard signals."
"Aye Captain" I replied, and got to work. All of the Gates that the K'laxi use will stay dark until someone signals the gate and it activates, scans the ship for the addressing module, reads the address and then opens. On busy gates it might never go dark. Gates like this one which are hardly ever used might stay dark for years. I pinged the gate with my short range message laser, and presented our K'laxi derived credentials. A moment later and...
"Activity on the gate!" Ensign (Gene) Frankfurt called out. "Power levels rising and a message laser array seems to be coming online.
Just as I expected. Now, we wait for the acknowledgement of the ping and the scan of our addressing module. We didn't want to go anywhere just yet, so it's empty. I can visualize us being bathed in gentle laser light as the acknowledgement comes in. "Reply from gate confirmed." I called out. "We are accepted. Addressing module is empty, gate should remain dark."
We all watched with our breath held as the date finished. Like I had called out, the gate remained dark, but now there were lights around the ring and some small faint lights on the asteroid.
"Warp Gate is online." I said with satisfaction. "We can go down and look for a directory tablet."
Captain Q'ari nodded, satisfied. "Nicely done all. Mullen, Frankfurt and Perinem please suit up and prepare to head down to the Gate and search for a directory stone.
Fer'resi Perinem is our resident language and translation expert. He's also the K'laxi chef. See? Almost everyone has two jobs here! He knows so much about languages and how they work. He says it's fun for him, can you believe it? Not only is his Colonic perfect, but he can even speak old human languages. I asked him once, and he spoke English to me! He said it was an insane language and had no idea why it was so historically important in our past. I couldn't believe it. It sounded so angry!
We made our way down to the main airlock and I got my pressure suit out. It's the first time that I've ever had a suit custom made! Normally, I'd use one-size-fits most suits and they never fit me exactly right. I'd always come out of EVA training with bruises and chafes. Not now though! It's so comfortable it's almost like wearing regular clothes. It's so pretty too. We were given some leeway in our designs. Mine is polished to a super deep gloss. It's super dark blue, with a very faint light blue K'laxi pattern on the arms.
I mean, it makes sense. We don't know where we're going so it's entirely possible that we will have to wear our suits a whole lot. What if we find a sapient species that doesn't breathe oxygen! We'll need to be suited up all the time if we visit them.
Anyway, I put my suit on. It's semi-rigid and segmented, so it's more like putting on pants and a shirt that doesn't bend. Once I have it on, I check my seals and run a diagnostics. While the diagnostics run, I check Gene and Fer'resi's suits and they check mine. Triple checks done, all of our suits light up green.
The last thing I do before going to the airlock is go to one of the weapons lockers. Since we're not under attack, only a few people can open them. Captain Q'ari has declared that since I'm the best marksman on board I'm security when I'm off ship. In addition to my helmsmen training, I had to take deescalation training, disarmament training and restraining training. We don't know who we're going to meet out there, but I need to be ready. The locker responds to my touch and personal keys, and clicks open with a hiss. I sign out a service pistol which clips to my waist on the pressure suit and a long range rifle which I can sling over my back. They're both modified for vacuum use and can be operated with a pressure suit. Feeling very badass, I close the lockers and head over to the airlock.
"Hey folks" FarReach says over our suit radios "I'm getting us to within a couple of kilometers to the gate's surface. I'm not going to land, so you'll have to jet over. I see you've all taken EVA training so just remember what you were taught, clip your lines to each other and go slow. Radio us when you're on the surface and good luck!"
And that was that. We clipped together, Gene cycled the airlock, the little gas jets spun out of our suits, and we whooshed over to the asteroid.
Part 4
#humans are deathworlders#humans are space orcs#humans go on adventure#humans are space oddities#sci fi writing#writing#humans and ai#humans and aliens#the k'laxiverse#jpitha#just a little further
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Get to Know Me Tag Game
I was tagged by @sanguinerosie ! thank you!!!
1. are you named after anyone? Partially after my great-grandfather, who passed away before I was old enough to remember him
2. when was the last time you cried? I think after a stress nightmare I had about half a year or so ago
3. do you have kids? no lmfao, not very into the idea of ever having them either
4. what sports do you play/have you played? never played sports but I did jrotc in high school (fell into it freshman year because I had to pick between it or PE and ended up liking it and making a lot of friends through it.) I ended up in charge of academic team and also did a little bit of drill and rifle team senior year
5. do you use sarcasm? p often
6. what’s the first thing you notice about someone? a huge part of my job is triaging people and being the first person to put eyes on a new patient so while I'm listening to history/getting vitals I always pay attention to someone's expression and overall body language when they're meeting me for the first time. so much of my job is constantly meeting new people but I'm an introverted anxious mess outside of work
7. eye color? blue
8. scary movies or happy endings? I love horror but I'm not big on lots of gore or shock value just for the sake of it. I like to be scared by something, not to watch something that's trying its hardest to be as edgy as possible
9. any talents? I can't think of any natural talents because inside I kinda believe I'm overall pretty mid at everything. but for skills/pursued interests/career related talents, I think I've gotten good at making first impressions with people, knowing what to look for when doing assessments in the ER, that I've seen a wide enough spectrum of things to be able to broadly anticipate order sets, and have also picked up enough overall skills to be self-sufficient re: my own labs, IVs, bedside skills/assisting docs, knowing what to grab for this or that, etc. I'm casting a very wide net here but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm comfortable in my specialty, I get how it works, I like what I'm doing, and it's all a result of putting in the time actually gaining experience to get where I am now. So not "talent" but time I've put into my career.
10. where were you born? the midwest. I went back to visit my mom every year but she passed away almost 2 years ago now. I have more family around there but I don't think I'll be going back as often anymore.
11. hobbies? gaming, music, sci fi, but I also want to get into biking more and start going to local renaissance faires and such to get out more
12. any pets? one cat, she's a polydactyl cat and she chose me as her person since she was a kitten
13. height? 5'8"
14. favorite school subject? biology
15. dream job? I love the ER but one day I'd like to make the jump to a non-bedside job in healthcare for the sake of my own physical and mental health. something like informatics or biomed where I could still apply my experience to work on process improvement or things like that. I absolutely do NOT ever want to teach (at least not nursing)
The game says to tag 15 but I'm gonna tag as many people as I can think of so feel free to participate if you wanna, no pressure! apologies if I miss any mutuals/anyone, this is also an open invitation for you to answer if you want!
@batgirlfangs @cinsynate @whats-ursine @memetrash-coyote @clumsyrubicunda @undacvr @tsdo @pumpkajelly @azurecrucis @themushroombat @revotheus @jinglebellrockstars @pk-nexas @raspbrrytea @bigbassnospace @alolabraixen @skeezels @rexiedemibunny @zucktales @piraticoctopus @fruity-bats @astralikacastle @bussywhipped @pocotippy @raichuunosuke @xxx---sink----xxx @tolovedolliedearest @icyfloridian @hamcubes
#texttula#begging for forgiveness if i missed any mutuals or followers please play if you wanna regardless
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The hidden life of a disabled/chronically ill person.
(Basically a rant about everything wrong in my life and in this society)
At this point I don't even know what's wrong.
Am I feeling exhausted because of idiopathic hypersomnia or am I at the beginning of a spondylitis flare up.
Do I even have ankylosing spondylitis? The symptoms list is a bit sketchy. I mean, there's something there in my body acting up, but... Anyway, I'm too weary to go through all that, the tests and so. I'll just die with my joint aching, I guess.
And am I crying because of the fatigue or is it the start of another depressive phase? Who knows? Not me. Maybe I'm just fed up of being this way.
What way it is, I don't even know anymore. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more laying there inside me to be diagnosed.
The point is, I've been in and out of so many doctors' offices and two decades later I feel like nothing has changed.
I see people over there, talking about their six months wait for a diagnosis, starting meds right away that changed their life. I'm so jealous. Are these people even real?
I lost count of how many specialists I've seen since middle school. I've lost count of how many times I've given up ever finding a diagnosis or a helpful hand. I certainly haven't kept a list of the doctors I came to hate for their incompetence and their cold dismissal.
I hate the healthcare system so much. There's specialists and centers and places I can't even access because I need other doctors' letters to even take an appointment. But the doctors I have are all incompetent morons that don't even listen to me. Where are the good doctors? Where do I find them?
*
And in the meantime, I survive. There's no other word for the way I live with so little money. How would I survive without the help of a family I'd rather be estranged with? The little money I get from the state doesn't cover for the bare minimum of living. I could get more if I applied for it but... I'd need to be fully diagnosed. The diagnosises I have now aren't enough apparently. I hate that there's people in offices that put a percentage on my level of disability and can decide of my future. Because I really don't know what I'd do if they'd reject my application. I'd be force to find a job that might just kill me, or maybe my bf and I would be forced to live with his father, living on what my family could give us for food. And what would we do the day they'll all be dead? Who'll help us then? Where would we live? How would we find food and clothes?
The state never cares about people like us living with dignity. They don't even care about us being alive. They'd rather see us dead, because we're wastes of money to them. So they don't want to help us. They do not care about making things easier and more accessible. They want us gone.
Okay, I didn't mean to go on a rant, but, well, that's the life of disabled and chronically ill people. We are more than our disabilities and illnesses, yes, but our lives can't be separated from them either. It's not just about 'spoons' or 'batteries', we need to think about so much more than that. And the irony in there is that it costs a lot of spoons. Abled people can have hard lives, sure, but they have more energy to spend and means to find solutions. They survive more easily. For us, it can mean death far more quickly, and no one cares.
If we can't take care of ourselves by working, earning money, making a place for ourselves in this broken society, we are devalued and outcast.
"Earning money". Do we have to earn our right to live too? Apparently so. At least, they won't try to make it easier for us.
Sure, there's stuffs that exist for helping disabled and chronically ill people. But it's enough sugar-coated bullshit to appease the people, to show enough kindness not to look heartless. I don't believe for one second they care for us, and you should not too.
They expect us being voiceless, because we are often silenced by our own lack of spoon. We live a life where we need more energy but have less than most people. It is thus unfair that we are the one that have to be our own advocates.
Sure, we have allies. But if there's one thing I have learned is that if you don't leave it, you don't know what people that live it really need. The best allies are forums. They're empty spaces that make the minorities' voices resonate, that emplify them. Allies' voices are echoes. But echoes can be dangerous, the original message distorted beyond recognition. So we need to be the ones to be heard. No small feat.
I know that I can't do that. I can only send tumblr posts into the void. Is that enough? It'll have to be, because I can barely remember to eat, I can't fight this battle on top of everything.
Kudos of the activists that manage to do it all. I hope you don't get burnt out.
#actually disabled#actually mentally ill#idiopathic hypersomnia#sleepy bitch disease#bipolar disorder#c ptsd#autism#actually autism#ankylosing spondylitis#rheumatism#disability problems#physical disability#disability benefits#disability#disabled#actually chronically ill#chronic illness#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#chronically ill#spoonie#spoon theory#depression#actually ptsd
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˚₊‧꒰ა Let's Cherish Every Moment We Spend Together ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
┈ ⋞ 〈 FIRST OF ALL . . . 〉 ⋟ ┈
ೃ⁀➷ I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE ᰔᩚ
╰┈➤ For reading my works and following me ❣ Honestly, I never thought I'd get this many followers ❀(*´▽`*)❀ Definitely thought I'd be screaming my headcanons and ideas into the void... But ever since I wrote those first 3 pieces, the amount of attention they got was way bigger than I thought it'd be Σ(゜゜) and while I know that ideas like my kiss-o-meter fic were one in a million, I hope you guys can stick around for the other 19237 ideas I have ˙˚ʚ(´◡`)ɞ˚˙
ೃ⁀➷ THANKS ESPECIALLY TO MY MUTUALS 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪
╰┈➤ Even if I don't say it often (or at all for that matter) I hope you know that I genuinely appreciate you guys for being my friend on this little app I downloaded on a whim (* ´ω` *) I'll try my best to interact with you guys more and send random asks just to have a chat if you'd have me ❣ Love you guys and I hope we can get to know each other a little more each day ♡
┈ ⋞ 〈 NOW THE REAL SHOW STARTS . . .〉 ⋟ ┈
ೃ⁀➷ WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO A PLACE WHERE NO SCENARIO IS MERE FANTASY
╰┈➤ In this realm, you will be able to live out the moments you've always dreamed of! Loving a prince? Sharing stories over an enchanted tea party? Whatever you imagine, it will play out right here with you as the protagonist ᰔᩚ
╰┈➤ THE RULES OF THIS REALM ARE LAID OUT AS FOLLOWS...
❥ THIS EVENT WILL LAST UNTIL DECEMBER 25TH, ANY REQUESTS MADE AFTER THE END DATE WILL NOT BE WRITTEN!
❥ Finding the magic in the mundane is our theme this time, though this may change the next time the realm opens up ❣
❥ Feel free to pick out any combination of prompts from the lists provided!
❥ Don't forget to state which character you'd like to be your male lead ♡
❥ If you can, please be more descriptive in your request to make things easier for our playwright
❥ Although my usual rules apply, they might be a little more lenient for this event
❥ Not all scenarios will be available on the lists so if you have an idea that is similar to the theme, feel free to add them in your request to see if it's acceptable!
❥ Example of a request, "Hi there! Can I request Kenma + 3 for prompt + 17 for au with fem reader?"
┈ ⋞ 〈 TAKE YOUR PICK . . .〉 ⋟ ┈
ೃ⁀➷ AU LIST
╰┈➤ Pick and choose the world around you! What jobs would you have? What relationships do you foster? Where do you find one another? So many questions...!
ೃ⁀➷ PROMPT LIST (QUOTES AND IDEAS)
╰┈➤ Get as crafty as you'd like dear audience, there's so many ways you can turn your relationship upside down! Or would you rather it be on the right side up? Your choice!
ೃ⁀➷ A SPECIAL TREAT (SIMPLE DRAWING REQUESTS)
╰┈➤ Your creations are your greatest treasures and they are all your own! Any original characters you have could be brought to life, if you'd let this humble costume designer do so...
Again, thank you so much to everyone for helping me reach this 300 follower milestone! This one's for all of you, so please enjoy!
#「★ It's showtime! ★」#「ཐི Yuu's 1st Milestone Event ཋྀ」#Follower event#haikyuu fluff#haikyu x reader#haikyu x female reader#haikyuu drabbles#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu scenarios#haikyuu x you
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I don't often get C-PTSD flashbacks from reading ProPublica news articles. I'm going to have to spend some time breathing deliberately and/or take a sleeping pill and go back to bed.
I'm autistic. Job hunting was hell for me at the best of times because I've never met a Human Resources employee who wasn't bigoted against the mentally ill. "You're perfectly qualified for the job, but I just don't think you'd be a good fit." So every job hunt I've ever had, even in boom times, has taken me a year or more to find someone who knew me, personally or professionally from a previous job, who had an opening and could pull rank on H.R. to get me in. And every job ended the same way: I got transferred to a disability-hostile manager ("it's not fair to everyone else if I treat you differently") and almost immediately fired. So threatening to fire me is only one step down from threatening to try to kill me.
And I've been threatened with being fired way more times than I've actually been fired. I'm a naturally scrupulous person, especially when safety issues are involved because I can't not worry, but also I know I'm really bad at telling when the people around me think the rules matter and when they don't (and worse at caring about their feelings about it being okay to break the rules this time). And I have long-since lost track of how many times I've been confronted with the choice:
Either commit a crime that puts people in danger ...
Or else we'll fire you, and you'll have to explain to every human resources department you apply at that you were fired for disobeying an order.
God, I hate this species. "I don't care if it's unsafe or illegal, I need it done." "Everybody cheats, if you don't cheat you can't make money." "We've gotten away with it before, it'll be fine." And "if other people die, they die; it's more important to get the job done." Fuck fuck fuck, I hate it. 'Cause it's real cheap of them to say when they're not going to be the one who gets hurt, isn't it? It's not like their families are going to get killed when (not if) a train derails, so who cares?
Some outlet I read (I think it was the WaPo?) did a long series about whistleblowing a little while back and concluded that most of us won't even say we want more whistleblowers, and most of the people who say they do don't mean it, certainly not when it comes to their own misdeeds. In one of the articles in the series, they cited moral foundations theory and suggested that that's because almost half of us rank "loyalty" above most or all other virtues. As in yes honesty and safety are virtues, but loyalty to your employer, your team, whatever is a more important virtue.
Fuck that. If I've let myself get peer pressured or tricked or bullied into doing something (or worse, ordering something) illegal and unsafe, I want subordinates who'll call me on my bullshit, hold me accountable. I need backup, everybody needs backup! Retaliate against whistleblowers? Fuck that noise; if I were in a position to hire, I'd offer extra to hire people who'd blown the whistle on misconduct to the point where they got fired for it -- I may not be able to trust them to "have my back" (which I don't even want when I'm in the wrong!) but I can trust them to tell the truth and protect others.
Obviously this means I've never worked in H.R. And it probably overlaps heavily with why my last real, professional employer finally told me I'd never make management. And shortly thereafter fired me. In a straight-up case of whistleblower retaliation. And then went so far as to lie to every potential employer I applied to that I was fired for "making terroristic threats," a straight-up frame-up that guaranteed that I'd never work in my industry again.
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what’s the worst thing about shipping for you?
do you prefer to plot a ship, or would you rather “wing it”?
what’s your OTP when it comes to your muse?
what’s your NOTP when it comes to your muse?
what’s your BROTP when it comes to your muse?
is there a ship you used to like, but not anymore?
is there a ship you used to dislike, but now you like?
is there a ship you wanted to play, but couldn’t yet?
what’s something that immediately turns you off from shipping with someone?
do you have a favorite memory when it comes to rping a ship?
how many relationships did your muse have?
how easily does your muse get crushes?
[Shippiiiiing]
2. what’s the worst thing about shipping for you?
hmmm I don't think I have a worst thing? the "worst" thing is that my brain will go from "sort of relationship" to "deep trust, loving, hot, steamy, everything" in like 3 days and i can not change it. My brain is not set for slow burns apparently.
4. do you prefer to plot a ship, or would you rather “wing it”?
Usually I prefer winging it because nothing ever goes to plan when it comes to my muses. Something happens mid plot and they're like "i'm going WAY OVER HERE" and I'm just like "well what the fuck do we do now?"
That and I like unexpected stuff. It's less stressful when I only have to worry about the beginning of the interaction and can just watch stuff unfold. And often times, the unexpected stuff is really fun!
15. what’s your OTP when it comes to your muse?
admittedly it's a 3TP with Inference and Ronald. Or just D.M./Inference and D.M./Ronald separately.
Only if the other party agrees, though.
16. what’s your NOTP when it comes to your muse?
For the love of god, D.M. and Noir are brothers. I can not STAND to see them romantically shipped. "but they're adopted though, that makes it okay" thanks for admitting you don't see adopted as family
That one is very much a squick for me, please never come to me about D.M.xNoir ever
17. what’s your BROTP when it comes to your muse?
Also D.M. Ronald. But past that, I like to think D.M. and Tuberose have a weird relationship where, yes Tuberose is D.M.'s employee, but also D.M. helps him out when needed and he just trusts Tuberose to get his jobs done and lets him do whatever he wants on the side. Which is a lot for D.M. regarding anyone.
I'd say Inference and D.M., but we all know that if Inference doesn't end up liking the bastard, he'll be on the war path to get the fucker arrested. Man will go from "I tolerate you" to "I'm GOING to put you IN JAIL" and D.M. will enjoy the best game of chase he's ever had.
18. is there a ship you used to like, but not anymore?
For D.M.? Not really.
19. is there a ship you used to dislike, but now you like?
Amusingly, Mr. Inference D.M. because "The Client" just didn't feel like someone Inference would jive with. Initially, he felt like a lofty, nervous wreck of a noble who had no real connection to Mr. Inference.
And even when they kind of redid him with the showcase of "D.M." in the 3rd anniversary trailer, I was like "Why would Inference like him when this man is sus and they seem to be at odds?"
But then a friend and I started rping them, and as I got into my D.M.'s character, I realized that the two have actually start out in lore with a decent relationship since Inference is willing to help D.M. and go to that party, and D.M. was able to trust Inference's help in the first place. And that D.M. finds Mr. Inference fun to watch and have around. And I saw how the two could end up getting along well enough to ship.
Not the most healthy ship (what D.M. ship is healthy?), but certainly one that's entertaining.
20. is there a ship you wanted to play, but couldn’t yet?
With D.M.? Not really. My friends are willing to play the characters I do actively ship him with. And potentially could ship him with.
21. what’s something that immediately turns you off from shipping with someone?
(I alluded to this on my Crimson Sword) This doesn't apply much with D.M., given he's bisexual and also a fae with little regards to gender/sex, but ignoring my muse's sexuality so you can "ship with me." Most of my muses are ace or bi, but my muse sexualities aren't arbitrary. Don't ignore them just because it doesn't fit your fantasy.
31. do you have a favorite memory when it comes to rping a ship?
I thiiink my favorite was when my friend and I (after a lot of build up) had Joseph forcibly admit to Black Guard that he realized he was in love with the man, fully expecting to be rejected since their Black Guard was a couple with White Guard, only for Black Guard to come back a little later and kiss Joseph and tell him they can be a thing. Joseph was absolutely caught off guard and ended up very happy.
Second favorite, and first favorite regarding D.M., was probably when another friend and I were playing out the T&I gang talking over a text chat. D.M. and their Inference were an unofficial thing, with D.M. even thinking Inference didn't feel near the same about him and just accepting it.
And then at one point, White was asking Mr. Inference about his cases and Inference mentioned a certain someone keeps showing up. White responded "Oh, you mean your boyfriend?" and both of them were completely dumbfounded. AND THEN MY FRIEND HAD THEIR LUCA PASTE THIS INTO THE CHAT.
AND I WILL NEVER FORGET IT BECAUSE THUS STUPID EMOJI MADE ME BUST UP LAUGHING. AT NIGHT.
36. how many relationships did your muse have?
I mean, this is D.M. we're talking about. He's a playboy. He's had a lot of flings, probably over 30 just in the time since after the war.
He's canonically dated and broken up with Rosemary, implied to possibly have dated Succubus, and tried his damnedest to date Lady Bella. And his character sheet even says people love him for his looks. Do you think he hasn't had a lot of relationships?
38. how easily does your muse get crushes?
Very. You're a pretty lady, or a feminine man, or a chiseled strong guy? He'll probably have a brief-but-strong crush on you. D.M. has no shame.
#out of desire#d.m.xronald#d.m.xinference#dating the detective#admittedly I have never disliked GattoxD.M.#I think the art of it's cute#I should make more ship tags
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hanging some thoughts out in the void to dry
one thing ive been thinking more and more as I get older is the kind of people 10 years ago i would've called "normies" didn't deserve half the shit I'd think about them
i was a real chuuni back then and in hindsight i really don't get where id get that sense of superiority
you know people like that now have a lot of stability in their lives
they're done with their studies, they have pretty healthy social lives and already well on their way to start their lifelong careers
such an alien word to me that last one
i think the problem for me is more or a root issue
aside from the fact i didn't go on with my "academic life" i just struggle with the base concept of making something my own
that's kind of the whole thing really, both with jobs, degrees and even just hobbies
i have not seen another person ever talk about this kind of feeling before
people will get into things, spend time acquainting themselves with them and then they'll have that thing
It'll be something they know about with some confidence to the point they can speak about it to other people and even educate them to a degree if they were unfamiliar with it
This applies to any sort of hobby and game
I can't really say i feel that way about anything I'm "into"
if someone was to ask me things about any of those things I'd always have a looming sense of guilt for not being the right person for that question and could immediately think of someone better for it
so how do people confidently get into things? i know it takes time and effort but even things I've been into a long while and enjoy still don't feel *mine*
"someone is consuming this content better than i am" is what ill think
it's weird
i do like learning, memorizing things, learning a bit of this and that and storing that information as something I will know from that point onwards, but it's not enough
there's always the pervading feeling that anything i engage with i do so in an extremely superficial way and i don't know how to do better
i feel it might have to do with me often struggling to process information if it's presented a certain way
it's weird, it just makes me feel like im really stupid and obtuse but I know I like to learn things it's just so hard to look at them and not short circuit sometimes
It really does make me feel like I'm some kind of picky eater unable to process some things for no reason, it's really frustrating and i wish i knew how to get better at it
it makes me wish i wasn't so lazy and easily distracted at school too and that id just find "the right way" to learn things
but some days it'll really feel like that's just some part or setting of me that's always been there and is just supposed to work like that unfortunately
I also think i really exude this "superficiality" of mine to people
maybe they don't know what it is and can't quite put their finger on it but they can tell something is off and it makes communicating with me harder
maybe they can tell i won't be able to understand things the way they do and it just feels disheartening
people that have known me for long enough have come to know this and will sometimes talk down to me like im just some dumb kind and honestly while it was pretty annoying at first i realized i don't really have a comeback for it and they're not entirely wrong
did i just miss an important developmental step in information assimilation? i really think i might have
sometimes ill see people that make art or music, entirely new things that weren't there before
from nothing they made something that hadn't existed before up until now, and they just did that by themselves
i look at these people and i can tell they have a soul, it's undeniable proof to me that they do
I couldn't even begin to imagine the process behind something like that, both conceptually and practically
i wonder what that says about me
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How did you break into the animation industry?
Oh buckle up 'cause this is a bit of a story. Before starting, I wanna let anyone reading this to know that there's no one absolute way to break into the animation industry. From my experience, I've learned that breaking in has a lot of factors that are often out of your control. If anything, it's a combination of hard work and luck. Sometimes you're at the right place and the right time. Or you happen to know the right people or you are the right fit for a job. Overall, don't be so hard on yourself if you are still trying to break in (or have and just struggling to find the next gig). Often times it's not you as a person/artist, but really if everything else that you cannot control fits in that moment. And with that, let's start this two part story of how I broke into animation.
Part 1: Lemme tell you how I got to Sesame Street.
So in 2017, I was a senior in college and my school for some strange reason made it a graduation requirement for students to do an internship in their respective major. While it was an incentive to get students experience, this only worked for the fine arts and illustration students due to the school having a lot of connections with local comic artists and galleries. For the animation department, however, we really didn't have many resources since our program was only 4 years old at that point (very, very new). So I started searching online for any animation internships since my school couldn't really help. I applied to many internships but only got an interview for one: FableVision in Boston.
To be honest, I really thought I was going to get that internship with no doubt. I already knew the people who worked there, had recently went to their anniversary party where they told me their internships were opening again and they wanted me to apply. So I did, got an interview instantly, took the train down and had the greatest interview of my life. I was told I'd hear back by the end of March and excitedly waited for the email.
Except I didn't hear back until April. And they had chosen an illustration student from my school instead of me. I was devastated. It felt like the ground beneath me crumbled and I was falling into a pit of darkness. It was April, there were no more internships, the semester ended in a month and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to graduate. And to top it off, this rejection really made think I was a bad artist and an undesirable hire. I remember being so bummed about it for days, feeling so unmotivated and scared about what to do next....and really unsure how to process the rejection altogether.
So, I contacted my mentor who at the time was a character designer at Sesame Workshop. He was my mother's friend from church and known me since I was a kid. He didn't start mentoring me until high school and was always transparent about his experience working in children's TV animation as a black creative (for those who don't know I am also black). I poured out my heart and asked him, "How do you deal with rejection from a job you really wanted?" And in short, he said, "Sometimes the job you think is perfect for you isn't what you need in order to grow and that's okay. Just because one door closes doesn't mean another door won't open so you just have to be patient and keep working hard." I didn't feel better right away but it was enough for me to realize I couldn't take the rejection personal. I probably wasn't the right fit.
But little did I know that in the next few days I would receive an email from Sesame Workshop requesting me (upon a recommendation) to fill out an application for their internship program when the deadline passed a week ago. I immediately knew it was my mentor who gave the recommendation and I will be forever thankful for him helping me get my first animation job on Sesame Street. And that's kind of the end of that part haha.
But you're probably wondering, "Wait, but you got the job. You broke in. So what's the second part?"
Part 2: The Nickelodeon Artist Program
After Sesame Street and graduating college, I didn't get my next studio gig until 2 years later in 2019. I did small indie animation projects and commissions, but was having a hard time breaking into a storyboarding gig. I took tests and got rejected, applied to many jobs and got rejected, just a whole lot of rejections haha. At the same time, my older sister had moved back into my parents' house and we both expressed how we wanted to move to California for job purposes. So in that summer, we took a trip together to California and I finally got to meet some friends who did work in the animation industry. I just remember on the plane back to New York thinking, "Damn....I really have to be there if I wanna break in." So my sister and I both agreed we'd save up money and move out together in the next 1-2 years.
Once I got home, I heard about the Nick Artist Program and that applications were open until August 1st. It was the last week of July and I thought, "I don't know if I can make anything good....but I rather try than not try." So in 3 days (I do not recommend doing a whole sequence in 3 days) I boarded a sequence from my personal project, Hollowville, and submitted sketchbooks pages of thumbnails, character design sketches along with my resume two days before the deadline. To be honest, I really didn't think I was gonna hear back from them. At that point, I was so used to rejection that I had already dispelled any hope the moment I clicked the send button. I know that's pessimistic but that's how I am haha.
Until a month later, I get a call from California. At that same moment, I was exchanging phone numbers with an industry friend who lived in California. So assuming it was them, I picked up the phone and the following happened:
Me: Hello?
Person: Hello, is this Li?
Me: Oh yeah. This is she.
Person: Great! This is the Nickelodeon Artist Program and we're calling to inform you that you've been selected to move onto to the quarter final interviews.
And I just. I cried on the phone. It's so embarrassing thinking back now but it was so unexpected that the tears started flowing out.
After that call, I proceeded to go through the most intense interview process I'll ever experience in my life and was officially selected as a trainee right after Thanksgiving weekend (which meant I had only a month to move out to California). And that was my final breakthrough into the animation industry. There's a lot more details I glossed over since these posts have word count limits....but that pretty much sums up how I broke into animation haha.
I don't know if this story will be helpful for anyone out there who wants to break in and having a hard time. But I hope what you take away from this is that breaking in is different for everyone. There will be a lot of rejections, but you can't take them personal. Almost all the time it's about being the right fit which isn't really quantifiable. You're not a bad artist and aren't unskilled, there are just variables out of your control that are the ultimate deciding factor. So I implore anyone who aspires to work in animation to keep working hard, keep improving and never forget that just because one door closes it doesn't mean another won't open up ahead.
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I just finished: Bomb Rush Cyberfunk!
Alright, it's been a while since the last review and been even longer since I actually finished this game, so hopefully I will be able to get back into the swing of things again now, and remember what this was actually like.
Ever since I heard about Bomb Rush Cyberfunk I was extremely excited, being a huge fan of the Jet Set Radio games, however I was aware that I'd been excited about similar projects before, so was attempting to be reserved until it actually came out - which thankfully wasn't entirely necessary.
To be clear this is not a Jet Set Radio game - much like what Bloodstained - Ritual of the Night was to the Castlevania franchise, BRC is very much it's own thing, don't expect a carbon copy - and while that thing is not too my taste as much as JSR, I do have to respect it for trying to have it's own identity.
The main thing that excited me about BRC was that Hideki Naganuma, the main composer for the JSR franchise, was going to be working on it. Now he is - but his music is not as big a part of this as in JSR where it made up at least 50% of the soundtrack. He has 3-4 songs in the game, and they're all pretty good - the rest is done by various other small artists; this game didn't exactly have the budget to have something like Dragula on the soundtrack. The soundtrack is generally good, and is similar enough to JSR music - but I didn't quite jive with it as much, and the biggest issue I had was the lack of variety - most of the music was extremely similar, which when people make 'Jet Set Radio Inspired Music' often forget that the games had a mixture of music on them, not all breakbeat stuff. Again, it's not Jet Set Radio, and that's fine, but temper your expectations about how good of a successor it may be - especially considering the music is the most important part of JSR for me - that's why I was more excited about a composer from them working on this than the director or anything - it's central to it's identity.
Aside from the music, the game play is very similar to JSR, and the general aesthetic, graphics and animations feel perfect. The big differences - both of which I'm not super fond of - are the addition of a focus on combat, and an attempt to do a somewhat complex story.
The original JSR didn't have much in the way of combat - you dealt with everything the same way: skating to get to them and then spray painting them - this applied whether your talking about graffiti, a cop, or an attack helicopter. The games also had more of a focus on running away from the enemies and not directly taking them on - not so much the case in BRC· The game kind of even has an attack button - although it's more of a trick button that is first introduced as an attack button, you can do a lot of things like in the original: spray painting enemies and such, the game just doesn't do a good job of explaining this. It also has lengthy boss encounters that take FOREVER - this is extremely boring, you can just run away from these, you have to defeat them, they happen fairly often and they just aren't FUN.
The other frustrating thing is the story. JSR of course had an extremely simple and quite silly story, an evil business man trying to take of the world by corrupting and controlling music, and the way you take him down? Friendship, of course, and spray paint. BRC had it's own ideas about this, making a far more complex and frankly boring story about characters I mostly do not care about. The game is hinged initially around a murder - someone's head gets chopped off looking like something from killer7 - and that is initially interesting but the game then insists of focusing the whole game around the character of Red - I did not like his stupid robot head and I did not like playing as him, but BRC doesn't care about that and kept changing me back to him to force me to play with their favourite. A little spoilers ahead, but the game's villain isn't even a cop or business man, its another graffiti artist - the cops are made out to be kind of cool in this as well, which I can't abide by. There's a cool women cop with a jetpack who I think your meant to like? But she's a cop?
Anyway, whilst that was two paragraphs about what I disliked about the game - I still really enjoyed the game. I will say most people will probably not enjoy it enough for the £30 price tag, so wait for a sale unless your a big JSR fan like me. One thing we can maybe thank BRC for is showing SEGA that there is interest in a successor to JSR, with talk recently about a possible JSR reboot with the original team. I'm not holding my breath on that, but I am hopeful.
Grade: A
Significance: 1/3
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ep14 (pt1): oh boy romantic montage time
wwx as a teenager is genuinely more compassionate than he's portrayed as
aw shit mention of the oath
I've often been confused by this sequence. if they showed wwx actually entering the shell instead of suddenly cutting to him inside this big red cavern, I think it would have made more sense
also I've often complained that animals don't have large rooms in their bodies like that but I just realized....oh yeah it's an ancient twisted monster. animal biology need not apply so 🤡
honestly I found this fight scene very drawn-out and uninteresting. the special effects for the fight were somewhat awkward and I was kind of bored. this was good though
wyb does 'devastated' very well
I'm kind of missing the donhua ngl. I like cql the best but the donghua was just so focused and clever and creative with the story
wwx is all kinds of fucked up after this fight....not just from his concerning readiness to die but probably also from connecting with this cursed fucking sword. he seems really out of it, and seems to be in a drowsy sort of honesty when he's like 'oh lan zhan...I didn't think I'd be able to meet you again' which is a very...nitimate thing to say? bc later when lwj gives him spiritual energy and he's a little more himself
he sees lwj all lit up and helping him and he starts complaining about how 'boring' it is. face your feelings, wwx! stop avoiding them! you think lwj is beautiful and unique and special and you like him a lot!
it's also. I feel like wwx doesn't feel like he even has the right to have an attachment outside of the jiangs? in some scenes he's really enthusiastic about himself and lwj being partners but in others he hastily denies it in order to smooth things over with jc, so jc doesn't feel abandoned. oof. we'll get to that
okay the top one is the viki and the bottom one is the youtube version which I remember! why are the translations the opposite of each other! also the youtube version is literally higher quality im so mad
god damn I love the lyrics to wuji. they almost don't matter, since they never come up after this and they're not relevant to the song's significance within the narrative, but they're perfect. it's about the struggles of a lifetime, about grief and joy, the ups and downs of being in the world, of reputation lost and gained. vague and poetic, and achingly relevant. that last line about sharing a tune together at the horizon....that's the finale, isn't it? just beautifully put together and a powerful reflection of the story itself, wwx's rise and fall and the pains and joys he's going to face. cannot believe a 16 yr old wrote that. tho if it was anyone, it would be lwj wouldn't it
lwj is ALWAYS the one leaving without saying goodbye! no wonder wwx lost faith! in this context the gusu situation is a little urgent but like. he couldn't have left a note?
I've read a few fics where they sleep together in the cave and 1. nasty and 2. that would make him just leaving after so much worse 😭 I do not endorse the first time cave sex headcanon. I still don't think it would realistically happen until ep 43. too early here, and after sunshot wwx is terrified of anyone touching him because they'll be able to tell he's lost his core. so as fun as angsty sunshot hookups are, I simply cannot see it. tho that would technically also be a factor in ep43, I don't think wwx cares as much by then if lwj knows
aw shit good job jzx
jc is yelling at wwx AGAIN and complaining about not being recognized for his efforts. my dude he just woke up from a week-long fevered sleep chill out. also can jzx stop crowding him? it's like these idiots have no idea how to treat sick people
ALSO. why did jc have to run for help? they had a ton of people there. couldn't they have removed the boulders themselves? huh, maybe the wens were hanging around and all they could do was flee
wwx and ljw have such main character energy that wen chao KNEW they stayed behind to kill the false xuanwu...okay
the shidis are learning archery and jyl is just...standing there. okay! couldn't have had her like, reading or doing crafts. nope. just standing there. probably looking out for her returning brothers but like. come on
I really love that jfm personally goes to teach the little disciples. he's gentle and encouraging, and provides a reassuring and secure presence, and I'm sure his students love him. despite his flaws I'm very fond of him esp here
oh wwx, fainting again. first of many
this detail is legit so freaking cute. and wwx's warm smile upon seeing it and knowing he's home 🥰 this supports my 'wwx is a hopeless romantic' agenda. I did laugh when the donghua gave one of them huge boobs but the wx subtext in that show was so potent I can't really accuse them of straightwashing. more evidence for him being bi is all
good for you, jc
see, here he's trying to make jc feel better by calling lwj boring and jc just - lashes out. wwx tries this entire scene to deflect praise onto jc and diminish his accomplishments and to support jc and jc just treats him like shit. no wonder their relationship is so terrible later if jc treats him like this just bc he's mad. can't he see that wwx has no more control over this situation than jc does? he's just the acceptable target in jc's eyes bc jc can't be mad at his parents!
like wen chao was trying to murder mm and string up her body to attract the monster which they were going to be expected to fight without weapons. what the fuck was he supposed to do? and he's not even the one who started the fight! AND if he hadn't stayed behind, how could everyone else has escaped? I didn't see jc offering any other solutions! jesus
it sucks that jfm is implying that jc doesn't have the right temperament to lead the clan, but he's literally the only person in authority to push back against jc's treatment of wwx this arc. and he's literally right that you shouldn't speak from anger. it's not what a leader should do, it's not fair or just, it doesn't allow you to speak wisely or carefully, and it's not something that will lead anywhere good. but after this arc all jc does is lead from anger and bitterness!
it's also so twisted that wwx feels responsible for this and tries to defend jc as 'he's just mad and venting' which he says is fine here but later in the story he bitterly complains about. like I know he loves and misses LP as an adult but this entire situation was absolutely noxious for everyone involved. ppl talk about jyl being parentified but wwx felt obligated to do the same for jc as well and put aside all his own needs and emotions for jc's as soon as this shit starts up. he acts like the undeserving servant as soon as he feels like he needs to I feel dizzy
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1806
Are you tired? Are you taking this survey because you can’t sleep?
Not very tired at all even if it's past midnight. I finally feel the calm that's been evading me for a while because 1) I have a long weekend, and 2) I can also finally stop fooling myself about resigning 'soon,' because I did it already a week ago :)
Do you have something important to do?
Not right now but I'll be doing a lot of job hunting in the next few weeks! Also tomorrow morning I'll be heading out to get my car checked because the handbrake icon has been lighting up for a while now and I need to know what's up with that lol.
Do you like Jalapeno Cheetos?
It tastes okay but I'm generally not a fan of packed snacks.
Do you wish you had a new phone?
No but I need to start taking care of my current phone, cos I learned today that the battery capacity left on it is at 77% which is apparently already horrible haha. I'm not in any rush to replace it at least until a year or two from now as it's still a fairly new phone, so it's just a matter of watching out for how much I use it going forward.
Name one thing you ate today?
Instant laksa.
Do you like 80’s music? 60’s music? 90’s music?
I have songs I like from each decade but none of them stand out for me when it comes to music in general.
Do you find rap music annoying?
Rap music, and any genre for that matter, is super broad though. There are albums I like but then there are those songs that can get superficial about drugs and sex and have a lot of autotune that just makes me go egh.
What song is stuck in your head?
I'm Fine by BTS because it was the last song I played on Rhythm Hive before closing the game earlier today lol.
Have you ever been to Germany?
Never been.
Do you drink coffee in the mornings?
I need to, otherwise I'd feel super disoriented and not be able to get as focused at work.
Do you become a fan of lots of things on Facebook?
Not anymore, but I remember how huge that was before. People made pages out of anything and everyone would just be fans of them.
What time do you go to bed on school/work nights?
Around midnight or a little past.
Have you ever seen a therapist?
I've never had a session with one, actually. Even though there were many times in the past where I know I should've.
Do you get in trouble at school often?
No. I got scolded once for talking during a class in Grade 4 and from there made it a point to never disrupt again haha.
Do you watch videos on YouTube?
All the time. Even if I don't watch a video per se, I like having YouTube on as background noise/visuals and keep it playing all day long.
Name a song that makes you happy.
These days, Paramore's Escape Route has been giving me all the happy vibes.
Name a song that makes you want to dance.
Home by BTS.
Name a song that brings back memories.
Fireflies by Owl City.
Does the song above bring back good or bad memories?
A little bit of both, but mostly good.
What decade do you think is the best musically?
I'd be the worst person to ask this as I never really was an adventurous listener. I also feel like each decade has their own styles and charms when it comes to music so as far as 'musically best' I'd find it hard to tell.
Do you take a long time to get ready in the mornings?
I need around 30-45 minutes to prep before work. That includes taking a shower, making my bed, cleaning my room, playing with the dogs for a few minutes, and making coffee.
Do you wear a lot of makeup?
Does BB cream count? That's really the only thing I apply, and foundation. But yeah in general, the answer is no.
Have you ever written poetry or fiction?
I've dabbled in both but never enjoyed it. I was always one for non-fiction writing.
Do you know how to read music?
Nope. We had drills in music class where we had to read notes and such, but I never retained those and if you quizzed me right now I'd pretty much be clueless.
Do you regularly use a blow dryer?
I don't.
When was the last time you went to church?
Three Sundays ago. The last two I missed because I watched a public Royal Rumble watch party, then had a work event to oversee.
Would you date someone who was a different religion than you?
I wouldn't date anyone who's closely tied to their religion.
What is your best subject in school?
History.
Name something you do nearly everyday.
Use a laptop.
Do you take surveys a lot?
Than the average person, absolutely. Within the community...not nearly as much as I used to. I usually have time to check in only on the weekends now.
Have you ever had sushi?
Yes, it's one of my favorite foods. I literally had sushi at least once every week in January hahaha.
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I didn't bring up autism because frankly I'm terrified of doing that, but she doesn't seem to think that I have ADHD, rather, she thinks that my ADHD-like symptoms are effectively because of my PTSD. The parts of my brain meant to remember things don't work right because of my over-active amygdala, on top of the dissociation.
They looked at my results and were shocked that I'm not in school. I apparently have a very high IQ, especially when it comes to... Verbal something. I'm simultaneously letting this stroke my ego-I've earned it, I'm smart- and laughing because, well. Elon Musk has an IQ in the 150s and yet look where it got him. It cannot make me happy, it cannot save me from the machine of Capital. Hehe!
I told them I'd like to eventually go to mortuary school and make a difference in that field, but I don't know if that's what I'd actually like at all. Maybe someday, but not in the easily-foreseeable future... The idea of going to school itself makes me feel overwhelmed. I don't want to have to do anything, or be anything. I don't want to have to be a Specific thing doing a Specific job. It'll make me want to die, what an awful cage and a worse way to live.
Truthfully, I don't dream of or long for any labor... Even labor which I would at first find fulfilling I would become quickly exhausted by.
If I were able to make ends meet on SSI and my art alone, I would rather do that than force myself to work knowing that I am eventually going to burn out and be unable to continue working and then be thrust into the violent ouroboros of homelessness I am just now barely stepping out of. If I had to live it all again, I would choose not to.
Take that as you will, I just know how much I'm willing to suffer, is all.
Being told that I have potential feels weird.
I heard it a lot growing up. Often punctuated with "If only you would apply yourself."
I don't know if I like people knowing that I'm smart, and I don't know how to feel in general about Human Intent. Do they want to help me for earnest reasons-because I'm a human-or is my worth (and thus, their eagerness to support me) dependant on my perceived Value as a Worker?
I feel like I've lived on the fringes of society for so long that, now I'm being given an opportunity, I almost want to turn away from it. I've fought just to be able to live, for 5 years now. And now I just have to... Go back into society, after all that? I won't ever be domesticated, I'll tell you that much.
I won't abandon this either, it's foolish to not get this Help and Support, but I hate how at the end of it all, I'm only going to scrape by because of... Well, it's a sort of eugenics, isn't it? Because I'm "useful" and "smart". Wretched.
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I'm so sick of my family. They just keep getting worse and I need to move out. Or at least find some way to get away from them sometimes.
Only problem is: my social life is non-existent at this point. I want to meet new people, but I've had two awful experiences with a roommate and an ex, so now I'm completely put off from socializing and just want to isolate.
I find it hard to escape from all this through hobbies. I used to at least find comfort in fiction and whatnot, but the problems in my life have become so pressing and I'm so mentally exhausted that it's hard to distract myself anymore. I'm lucky if I can get myself to write at all, or play a video game for more than half an hour. I waste a lot of my time doing nothing if I'm not going to work or whatever.
I want to be able to have conversations with people that go deeper than the weather. But I'm always made to feel stupid if I talk about anything even remotely serious with my family (specifically with my mother). I can't even mention a goofy ass job listing without her going on a rant about how I shouldn't worry about that job because I'm not applying for it when I was just making fun of the ridiculous requirements for the low pay! So there's no hope talking things that are actually affecting me/causing me genuine concern. And I can't discuss interpersonal issues either without being gaslight or told that I'm actually a terrible human being and need to own up for it (ex. I tell my mother that it's hard for me to ever discuss anything because she constantly tells me I'm argumentative and starting drama and then she just tells me that I am and that I love to blame everyone else for the things I do). Every little thing I do or say can and will be used against me. If I do something right, I'm arrogant or the accomplishment/good trait gets diminished. I'm not allowed to ever be imperfect, but I can't be too perfect either. If I dare socialize with these people, I'm annoying and need to go away, but if I fail to contact them often enough when I'm away, I don't care about them and only use them as a safety net.
I hate how I had to learn so many things about life on my own and have to put so much work in to try and only recover a little bit from the damage that has been done. It's not shocking to me at all that I ended up in a couple abusive situations as an adult because I had no boundaries whatsoever and didn't detect the red flags/listen to my gut. I just wanted to be agreeable so that I wouldn't rock the boat, or whatever. I never stood up for myself or anything and would constantly get myself baited into dumb arguments. I've spent so much time educating myself on how to avoid/manage toxic individuals, and it has gotten easier, especially with the work I've done to make myself less vulnerable, less standoffish, and more pleasant, yet firm so that healthier people approach me more. I've noticed I get harassed less in public now and some of my co-workers have warmed up to me, but there's still that lack of trust.
This is all so exhausting. For once, I'd just like things to start going right. I'd love to meet a cool new person who's on the same wavelength as me who I can actually trust. I'd like a job that actually gets me ahead financially. I'd like to lose weight and also lose these health problems I never used to have before I met my ex-roommate and ex-partner. I'd love to see my passion for my hobbies and life in general rekindle. Seriously, despite bullying at school and my home life, I was so happy and passionate as a child/teen. Where did it go?
Seriously, can things just start going right? The past four years have been miserable.
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B.L.T. August 2023: Anno Aoi, Kudo Yua, Miyakoshi Yuria, Nishimori Aya, Shiogama Nana & Yoshimoto Cocona interviews
Anno Aoi's part:
"I quite like the Sakamichi groups. I wasn't sure if I could find myself accepting [becoming a part of] this group, given how I wasn't confident that I'd pass the audition.
However, my friends and my mother advised me to join the group, thus, I made up my mind. As of right now, I don't know just what kind of group we will become, but I hope we will be a group where everyone is highly aware [of their circumstances/surroundings] and can improve each other.
Everyone has a good personality, so, recently, I feel like I've become kinder too [laughs]. One day, in a few years' time, I would like to participate in the Kouhaku Uta Gassen."
Kudo Yua's part:
"I've always loved dancing and performing in front of people. I've also loved watching idols, so my mother encouraged me to apply.
I like Nogizaka46's Kaki Haruka-san, and collect her goods. Although I am part of their official rival group, I want to be someone just like her who can make those who support us smile.
I want to be part of a group that is able to do that [making the fans smile]. I've been dancing for about six years. There are a lot of members who are older or have more experience than me, but I'll do my best not to be outdone by them in terms of expresiveness."
Miyakoshi Yuria's part:
"I had always dreamed of being an idol and, given how I've just finished high school, I thought this was a now or never moment. My personality... I'm a shy, yet cheerful person. However, if the other person I'm talking to is shy, too, then I'll approach them myself.
I'm not very good at dancing, but during our training camp, I came to like it quite a bit. I am confident that I can sing loudly, too. In the future, I'd like to be a model.
I would also like to appear on the TV programme Shabekuri 007, and I would like to hold a concert in my hometown, Fukui, at the Sun Dome, so I hope that all my friends in Fukui could attend!"
Nishimori Aya's part:
"I didn't want to find a job, so I decided to join the audition as an escape from reality. Everyone else was completely determined to become an idol, so I really wondered whether it was okay for someone like me, with such aspirations, to be here.
Now that I've passed the audition, however, I'm really enjoying being an idol, so I want to have fun while I can.
I also want to become someone who can give hope to people, who can prove that even a country girl like me can be active in Tokyo, [as an idol]."
Shiogama Nana's part:
"I am a fan of Nogizaka46-san, and I've watched many of their programmes and concerts. I thought that if I joined their rival group, I would be able to improve myself further, so I decided to take this challenge.
But, I didn't really think that I'd be able to become an idol. Before that, I had wanted to become a nursery school teacher, but I passed the audition and decided to tell my father.
When I called him, he told me that he was sure I would get in. [Dear parents,] I'm a fool! (laughs) I really want to be part of a group that is great at singing and dancing!"
Yoshimoto Cocona's part:
"While I was watching Tiktoks to pass the time, I came across the video of the audition and was enthralled. I wanted to eventually be active in the entertainment industry, and I was at an age where I was wondering what my career path would be, so this was perfect timing!
I've studied jazz dance for four years, so I think I'm pretty good at it. The training camp, too, was a lot of fun. I'm not a person who cries too often, but I might just cry with happiness if we ever hold a concert in my hometown! (laughs)"
[from BLT's August 2023 issue, featuring BokuAo.]
[TL by: yuzuiro]
#interviews#mag features#blt august 2023#anno aoi#kudo yua#miyakoshi yuria#nishimori aya#shiogama nana#yoshimoto cocona#bokuao#tl by yuzuiro
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