9/26/21

8:31am Woke up after a couple dreams. I’m going to watch church from home this morning, I’m still not ready to go in person. Feeling a little anxious about just watching online but still looking forward to it. I did the quick breathing exercise through Headspace this morning and it was alright. I also watched the beginning of the video called the wake up and it was about mindfully using technology. The action I made after watching was to turn off notifications for some apps, like Facebook. I’ll look forward to their Sunday Scaries podcast today.

8:38am I’ve been enjoying and seeing benefits from breathing exercises. I think it helps me relax and practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can help me manage stress and anxiety and learn self awareness about how I think. I’m learning to study how it feels to breathe. I might come back to thinking about this

8:43 am going to turn on Sirius XMU. Tenderness by Jay Som was on when I turned on the radio. I find this radio station to be nice to listen to because the DJs are chill and interesting and know their music. Don’t mean to turn this into an ad, but it’s ok, this is just a journal entry. Calling this an ad is a bit excessive, just noting that I found a radio station I like.

8:50am Kind of looking forward to the day. Momentarily felt a bit stressed out. Journaling does help. I kind of want to learn more about the benefits of journaling so I can better make use of the practice. I currently mainly use it to catalog my thoughts, but it would be nice to dig deeper into stuff and maybe find some material for art.

8:55am I can tell I’m conscious that I’ll be posting this online. I kind of wish that wasn’t the case and I could just share my thoughts but it’s ok, it’s a learning experience to share like this. Anyway, it’s time to get set up for church online.

12:05pm Ate some leftover pizza this noon, I was hungry but now I feel better. Bible class after church should be interesting this year, about the book of Revelation. I’ll be interested to learn about it.

Started listening to XMU again just now, a good Sunday activity. I’m going to try reading Refuse by Julian Randall. I’ve been looking forward to reading it but expect it to be kind of intense. Thinking about going to get a coffee in Minneapolis before the Vikings game. We’ll see what happens, I have chores to do too.

12:44pm Read a few poems from the beginning of the book. I put it down and am still listening to the radio. Clairo is on, the song Sophia. It’s kind of an intense book and I wasn’t really feeling affected by it very fully, but maybe I don’t have to in the first reading. Yeah, I really like listening to the radio as a Sunday activity, I find it relaxing. Texting my mom now. She’s preparing for teachers conference today and going to watch the Vikings play. She reminded me of exercise and going to the gym. That would be a good self-care practice too. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. I think I’ve decided I’ll go into Minneapolis for that coffee before the game. Now listening to Rae Street by Courtney Barnett. I like the song.

3:55pm watching the Vikings game and it’s on commercial. I did end up getting coffee in Minneapolis. Feeling a little tired. I should do some chores while I watch.

7:23pm While watching the game, I did a few chores which was productive. I also went on my phone during the game and explored the Headspace app. One thing I did was learn about chronotypes. It is defined in your DNA and determines your best schedule for productivity throughout the day. I am a bear which is the most common of four types. I could still learn more about what it actually means. It is mainly related to a sleeping and eating schedule. I’ll get the name of the guy who talked about this in a book I haven’t read called the Power of When. The guy is Dr. Michael Breus for what it’s worth. Kind of interesting to me. Related is my experience trying to be more mindful about how I have settings in my phone. I took off notifications for a few apps including Facebook which has been nice. I haven’t cared about Facebook alerts in quite a while. Related to Headspace, I also listened to the Sunday Scaries podcast episode from today. It’s a short podcast with a short breathing exercise and helpful tips for the coming week. This time was an introduction basically to the work I’ve been doing using the app for working through anxiety. It’s just the start, but it’s encouraging to think about how far I’ve come in that Headspace program. I still have a ways to go to get mindfulness to help even more with anxiety, and using breathing exercises as well.

One other thing I did during the game was start shopping for a car which is not a task I enjoy really. It’ll be fun to update my ride lol but also used car prices have risen and it’s uncertain if they’ll go back down. I’ll try to keep looking regularly for several weeks.

Listening to the radio again while journaling. That thought interrupted my line of thinking about the Headspace app, and I’m trying to navigate how much of this journaling will be stream of consciousness. Sometimes my thoughts can get somewhat scatterbrained which isn’t helpful for a blog. Normally in my private journal I let the thoughts be scatterbrained because that is true stream of consciousness and it’s fun to see how the stream of consciousness works. I think I’ll experiment with and without editing related thoughts together in different posts and see what feels better. I found the need to organize placement of topics here a bit, while maintaining integrity of the writing for the most part.

Lying in my bed rn and journaling on my phone. That’s my normal setup. This song by PJ Harvey is kind of hot lol. It’s called Rid of Me. Self conscious that I’m basically an ad for this radio station but also the songs in this blog post could be a decent playlist so there’s that. On that note I’m excited to listen to the new collaborative album between Sufjan Stevens and Angelo de Augustine. I like what I’ve heard by way of introduction so far.

I went for a walk after the Vikings’ win. It was nice getting outside. I momentarily felt anxious about the coming week, but remembered to return my focus to the present moment which helped. It is now 8:00 so I’ve been at this a while.

8:50 My phone died so I took the opportunity to watch CNBC Street Signs (Asia) and fold clothes, I was surprised by my energy to do a chore. After I finished that, I realized it wouldn’t take long to clean the bathroom so I did most of that quickly too. Quite pleased I could get those things done. I also got laundry done today too, so pretty productive. Cleaning your space can be part of self care, so it’s good to do that. Exercise is part of it as well, so it’s good I got a walk.

9:02pm I should do the next Headspace exercise. They have been relaxing this past week.

9:24pm I finished the tenth and last session in part two of the course on managing anxiety. I do feel a sense of accomplishment even though it took a while to get through it. I was consistent in the last week or so and the sessions went well. I’m looking forward to the next ten sessions. They’ll talk about framing the exercise to get the most out of it.I think I’m going to leave it here and watch some of the Circle on Netflix which is a show that makes me laugh. I didn’t do much more with art/poetry today but I managed to stay in the present moment pretty well and not worry about the coming week. I hope any readers have a good night and start to the week.

Survey #441

“all alone, he turns to stone while holding his breath after death  /  terrified of what’s inside, to save his life he crawls like a worm from a bird”

Have you ever watched a movie in class/school that made you cry? Yep, a few. What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about? If I'm having a really bad day, I can tolerate as early as 7:00. :x What is you favorite type of lunch meat? Honey ham, probably. What time of the year do you dislike the most? Summer is disgusting. It's too hot, too humid, too many bugs, and I just hate it. Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs? No, that sounds gross. What is your favorite color to wear? b l a c k Are you an overachiever? Oh, hunny. What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)? Maybe uhhhh big eyes. What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'hara) would you marry? Darkiplier bc he is merely a misunderstood soft boi. How long have you gone without shaving (girls- legs, armpits; boys- faces)? Legs: It's been nearly a year. Pits: not that long, considering I shave them every time I get in the shower. What is the meanest thing you have ever said to someone else? I'm sure it would be something in one of the letters I sent Jason. Or Dad. Idk. Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry? The phase never ended lmao. What is your favorite thing about your life? My loved ones. Save all the animals that die during road kill or save 1 human from a fire? Sorry, but I'm picking the animals. Have you ever painted a picture of somebody? Yes. How many real bfs/gfs have you had? Two. Did you enjoy your past relationships? Yes. Except for when I was with Tyler. Name a comedy that you like. White Chicks. Could you wait until marriage for sex? Yeah. What’s the best Nirvana song? I'm not sure, really... Maybe "Drain You?" What was the last thing that impressed you? No clue. When was the last time you were in a pet store? Several months ago when I went in to get more rats for Venus. What nationality is your last name? Irish. What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip? Plain, rippled Lays in French onion dip. Who was the last boy that you saw cry? I don't know, actually. It may have been Sara's dad, which was years ago. Does your mom know you do surveys? I mean no, it's not like it's come up in conversation. Have you ever had a serious injury? When I was a kid, there was this one time I was running down the road with my friend, and I tripped; I was a fast runner, so I skinned the everliving FUCK out of my knees to the point there was even pus. I was SOBBING, and it took weeks to heal; I had the scars for years. What was the last thing you achieved? Losing weight at the gymmmm. Staying dedicated to going. Would you enjoy being famous? No. I couldn't take all the eyes on me and even ONE person's negative judgment. What’s under your bed? A big box of my art supplies. Do you enjoy travelling? Yeah. I wish I could do it more. Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it? No. When was the last time you drank strawberry milk? Not since I first tried it at elementary school. It was absolutely disgusting. Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set? I doubt it. Do you have a clock in your room? No. Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher? No. If I'd listened to him while driving, I could've gotten myself killed while merging onto the highway. People are assholes and didn't want to move over. Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite? Probably "Freakshow." Does mind over matter work for you? Not usually, no. Are you paranoid? Oh yes. What is the best thing about winter? Everything!!! Literally the only BAD thing about winter is the dry skin/lips. I love the cold, Christmas and all that comes with it, the decor, hot chocolate, snow, getting all cuddly... Everything. :') Have you ever been truly in love? Absolutely. Are you currently planning a trip? No. A trip to Illinois is just a wish right now. How many plants are in your home? None, I think? What is your favorite possession? Excluding my pets (because I don't like calling them "possessions"), probably my laptop. Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked? I have before, yes. What movies have tripped you out? Off the top of my head, the only entertainment media in general that has ever truly "tripped me out" was the first time I played the Silent Hill game. The movie didn't affect me to that level because I already understood the concept. When I watched Jason play it for the first time, I was SO confused and just blown away by the concept that I did loads of research and just thinking about it all. That franchise is just cool as shit, okay. Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade? I LOVED rollerblading. I haven't done it in years, though. Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night? NO. I will NOT settle. Being genuinely in love with my partner is too important to me for me to ever do so. I don't know if any of my friends are in that situation. Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating? With my current body? FUCK no. If I was happy with my body, the answer is still probably no. I'm too self-conscious and awkward with that kind of stuff, and besides, I really don't think I want a picture like that to exist of myself to avoid potential trouble. Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep? No. What summertime treats do you love? We have this local slushy place that is FUCKING BOMB. It may sound basic, but they have SUCH a vast variety of flavors and goodies you can top it with that it's truly just so amazing. How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss? I am VERY picky. I have to be really interested in you. Save for how things were with Tyler... I just felt like I was supposed to. What do you hate most about moving? I. Hate. The process. Of moving. It is just so, so stressful to me. I have a very hard time confronting big tasks, and that's exactly what packing and unpacking entails. Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting? Not necessarily. Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks? No. Has anyone ever whistled at you? I don't think so. Do you like scarves? No. Is your father homophobic? Possibly. I don't actually know. I honestly don't think he took Sara's and my relationship seriously, so that may be a sign. Do you take gummy vitamins? The only vitamin I take now is vitamin D, which isn't a gummy. Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all? Ha, yeah. I gave Jason a makeover once. Who would you like to meet before you die? MARK. I am so determined, alsdjfkaj;wek;rj. I just want to hug him and say thank you and ugly-cry. If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it? No. Even if I had the body of a model. What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of? The fuckin' flat earth theory, probably. If Heaven and Hell exists, where you going when you die? Well, considering I have an, uh, very negative opinion of the Christian god... Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else? My mom. The day she passes is a day I am inexplicably horrified of. What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday? My life. If there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy? My mom really could use it. Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself? I love "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse, but idk if it was actually written for the movie. How old was the first person you kissed? He was 18 when we first kissed. Will you be a strict parent one day? I never want to be a parent. If I hypothetically became one, I don't think I'd be strict, necessarily, but very protective. Last person to stand up for you? Probably Mom, idk. Have you been to a baby shower? Yeah, a few. Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater? My dad. What’s your favorite high school memory? Just... a lot with Jason. Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single? I prefer being in a (healthy) relationship, but I won't get into one just for the sake of having one. What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do? Hmmm... scuba-dive, maybe? What subject at school did you absolutely hate? Math. Italian food or Chinese food? Italian. I don't really like (most) Chinese food. Do you like to make flash cards when you study? I rarely did that. Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer? Yes, somehow. Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online? No. I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike. Ashley. What do you think about Marilyn Manson? He's one of my favorite musical artists, but he's a disgusting dick personally. Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school? Nothing, really. I was a very well-behaved kid. Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras? Yeah, I have a Canon. Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets? No. Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother? Not every year, but most. Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome? No. Jalapeños: yay or nay? I loooove them. Did you ever play Minecraft? Nah. My niece is getting into it. Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member? I did have one. I wasn't one of those premium members or anything like that; I just had a basic account. Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense? Bitch me. It's extremely embarrassing. I 100% got it from my dad. What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you? The manner through which Jason broke up with me. It left me traumatized. What type of person angers you the most? Abusive people that think only they matter and have no consideration for how their actions affect other people. If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it? I'd lose a shitload of weight, for one. My teeth would be whiter, my eyes bigger and bluer, I'd want my hair colored/able to hold color far better, I'd lighten and lessen my body hair, make my skin clearer, thin my eyebrows... I'd change a lot. What are your feelings on feminism? MANDATORY. Absolutely necessary in a misogynistic society. However, I do believe some people take it way too far to a point it is anti-man and puts women on a holy pedestal. It is about equality. Describe your first relationship? Perfect, until it wasn't. Describe your last relationship? Wonderful and healthy, but distance and our health were issues at the time. Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex? My history with sex is confusing and complicated and I really don't know. Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply? Thinking about it... it's probably because of how Simba runs from his problems and bad memories, but returns to confront them and is victorious. That's how I want to be. What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you? That I'm nice and clearly sincerely cared about them and their feelings. Do you feel protective over someone? My sisters, nieces and nephews, Sara... What perfume/cologne do you wear? It's called "Blush." Where did your vehicle come from? I don't have my own, but Mom's came from a girl at the dance studio. She ran into a deer, and the front got fucked up, but the sweetheart paid to fix it up to being operable so Mom had her own car. The front bumper is kept intact with zip ties and duct tape, but hey... it works and has for many, many years now, lol. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to? Ummmm... I actually don't remember. What is your favorite way to eat chicken? As tenders, probably. It is your birthday. You hope the cake is: Red velvet. This year for my bday, our controlling-as-fuck family friend bought me my birthday cake without consulting ANYBODY, and I was so fucking annoyed. It was a very kind gesture, yes, but um, can I have a say, please? What do you wear to bed? Usually men's pj pants and a tank top. What were you doing at 8pm last night? Sleeping, actually. I was extremely tired and went to bed early.

hiya, could i have a ship with the boyz and enhypen both?

i’m infj, male, 177cm, 18yo, English Literature student at college and gemini. i’m reserved, running from loud noises and a bit of physical contact and i always have a serious face on (it’s not intentional!). i’m not usually comfortable with expressing or exposing myself, i’ll always be there for the ones i care about more than being there for me and i’m a person-in-need-of-help seeker, people would really see me as a go-to soul to talk about their worries. i LOVE music and awkwardness and dark stuff and poetry/writing (as well as dancing a tiny bit) and i analyze things and behaviours like it’s my job, so call me self-conscious and a deep thinker to the brim. i’m never mad, i’m playful and humorous all the time, laid-back and joyous, but only in specific moments am i sensitive. most things i hold back & don’t show, like self-worth issues. having someone who’s smart and serious that could help me in terms of learning anything at all and make me grow is something i’ll go for. extroverted people were always my choice though, even more if they could have my back so i’d have a sense of protection. i always act to the person i’m with according of how i would like for them to see me, so maybe someone who i’m not hesitant to be myself with here? i’m eager to know who you’ll choose! thank you nonetheless, i hope you’re doing well and have fun with this 🤗

Elloooo, ofc u can !!! This was really fun to do ! And I am well I hope u are as well !! :) hope this is ok 😭 I feel like this is really bad, I’m sorry

From Enhypen I ship you with Jungwon !!!

Ik this is technically illegal since he just turned 17 but it’s based off personality and it’s only a year.. (doesn’t make it right but you get where I’m coming from)

But anyways

I seriously think you guys would just get along so well and bring out the best in one another

While reading this the whole time I though “Jungwon Jungwon Jungwon” 😭

As an introvert, him being an extrovert would really enlighten the relationship and being you guys closer together

You guys will kinda sit next do each other and just peek at each other and burst out laughing

That’s the kind of awkward you guys deal with

I feel like Jungwon would take really good care of u and he lowkey likes it when you take care of him as he is a leader and is always over working himself

Laughs at ur jokes all the time bc they’re genuinely funny to him !!!

And when ur sad he’s really good at just being a shoulder for you to cry on and he wants you to know you can trust him :(

You guys are like that really humorous, cute couple that you see on YouTube, yk what in talking about ?

You guys probably will prank each other a lot and act like children and play children games but it’s a way y’all bond together

Jungwon will 100% help you grow

He’s very hardworking and likes to push you and himself to become better and make a stronger relationship

He’s very mature when he needs to be but he knows how to have fun and make you smile :)

Probably finds you very charming especially when you’re doing what you love !! (Writing)

He defiantly asks you for help when it comes to English and other writing assignments 😭

You guys will go on cute dates to exotic restaurants and eat really yummy food !!!!

Ok, so this as much as I could think for you guys but in conclusion yall are very VERY close and are good at bringing up the mood :D

From The Boyz I ship you with Juyeon !!

IkIk hear me out !!!

I was thinking Sangyeon or Hyunjae but I thought Hyunjae was a little too playful and then for Sangyeon... I just thought Juyeon fits better

Ok so he is also another extra very which is perfect !!!

He is so funny and kinda awkward so I thought this would be perfect

Juyeon is also a sweetheart and will always be there for you

He’s deffinaltly a little cheesy and sets up the most cliche dates but he does it out of love 😭

I feel like you guys would have a similar humor??

Like u could make a dark or bad joke but he would find it so funny and it goes both ways

He can also be quite mature and he’s a good listener and so I think it would be easy for you to open up to him !!!

Ok but the humor.. he’s so freaking funny and always has you on the ground dying of laughter istg 😭

Introduces you to the members and you all become besties bc ur basically their little brother- they just luv you

Would make you a handmade bracelet so you could wear it and a part of him would always be apart of you

He’s so confident

And it wears off on you, he helps you grow on the inside

Like with your insecurities, he helps you grow more confident about yourself and helps you love yourself more

Deff likes to hug you and cuddle you when y’all sleeping or smth

Very cute and random couple 😂

(Photo credits to rightful owners)

Women have plenty to be ashamed of.

Growing up I was conflicted with a duality in which on the one hand there lied my nature and on the other the will of my mother. At the age of 16 my mother was homeless and desperate for anyone to come and save her torment; her mother was an abusive and neglectful heroin addict and it was around this time two of her brothers had sat in prison for having robbed banks (her eldest brother was busting cheeks-though he denies it). It was during such a trying time she had met my father who swept her in his arms that very day moving her to an entirely different state with him. My father was 21 during this time and an illegal immigrant from Mexico as were his siblings and other friends that had come with him, among his friends was Santiago.

My father had drunkenly cheated on my mother one night and immediately admitted it to my mother expressing his profound remorse: my mother responded with cheating on my father with Santiago-my father was heartbroken but understood and forgave her on the grounds she wouldn’t cheat on him again, unfortunately for the naïveté of my father my mother only used his cheating as a means to rationalize her feelings for Santiago which were already present within her before he had even cheated on her; my mother would not only go on to cheat on my father several more times with Santiago but had also professed her love for Santiago and her contempt for my father (note: my father is not one to be pitied, I simply empathize with him); what my mother hadn’t considered was that my father’s older brother was their boss, as in the boss of my father, his siblings and other friends they had immigrated with for a construction company: after hearing of Santiago’s betrayal of my father his brother had fired Santiago. Santiago moved back to Mexico where he shortly died after: my mother was heartbroken-what was she to do? A 16 year old little girl manipulating a man into breeding her, marrying him, and utilizing his resources which he earned with his blood? A little girl having lost who was perhaps her one true love? Or so she “thought”...

The divorce was ruthless, or rather, my mother was ruthless as she threatened to have my father and his siblings deported should he try to fight for custody. My father’s siblings encouraged my father to do what was necessary for us but with the possibility that he could also be deported and very likely never see his two sons again, what was a man to do?

It’s utterly damaging for the ego of any man to be emasculated by any woman especially a 21 year girl you truly believed to have loved and even having married after a hard life of poverty in a small town from Mexico where men are notorious for keeping their women in check. For a man’s ego to be damaged there is only one way he can redeem himself and that is through waging war on whomever dared to damage such an ego; unfortunately for my father he was not back in Mexico, he was in the US where the wrath of man is punishable with the means of prison-it was not only my mother by whom he was emasculated by but the law and order of the republic; so much for freedom of will.

It didn’t end here; my mother was ecstatic about her new found “liberation” going out to clubs and bars with her friends, free of the “religious fanatic” my father was (and it’s true that he is indeed a religious fanatic, a Christian to be exact, but don’t think so highly of my mother for she enforced and lived by the same values and morals as he does, she had merely done so with different spices and fragrances), it was also during this time she especially began drinking heavily, very heavily; there were days when she’d be slumped over her bed bottle hand whilst my father came for my brother and I only to be met with a locked door with no way in except for breaking and entering: my brother and I would beg for the embrace of our father through the window, crying for his affection and play, locking eyes with our father through the window; our mother didn’t care so long as she had us in her grasp, rationalizing her stupidity as her “living her youth,” as if enjoying your youth demands the abandonment of all responsibility.

My mother eventually met another man soon after my father, perhaps even during; he was a black man with a short fuse of a temper against us all, but even more so against my brother and I. This new man of hers would go on to physically beat my brother and I, tossing and dragging us across the room, beating us with a closed fist as he would a grown man; the beatings were so bad he’d send us back to our father with massive bruises all over our bodies, bruises our father would take pictures of in hopes it’d help his case in court-it didn’t. My father was enraged with my mother and demanded she leave the man but she stuck by his side until the end of kindergarten even going so far as to make a father of him-for my little sister.

Throughout the years my mother had done everything she could to erase the memory of all that had happened, laughing it all off as though it was nothing when we’d bring it up with her, often chalking it up to the folly of her youth-except it didn’t end there.

Shortly after my sister’s father she found another man who she married-this one was actually good but he was far bigger than my sister’s father and black all the same-I associated him with my sister’s father and despised him ruthlessly throughout their entire marriage: he was a genuinely caring and affectionate father despite our difference in blood, but it was too late by the time I embraced this of him. Towards the end of their marriage which went on from my first grade year to the summer before starting high school I grew closer with my then stepfather as my mother would often be gone for days off with her friends and her new lover; she had been cheating my step father for a year and a half before they had split apart: he was a younger Indian man whom she helped attain a green card.

This new boyfriend was also a good man at heart, but because he fell for my mother’s malice I despised him and though I wasn’t as ruthless with him as I was with my stepfather I still kept my distance; it was throughout this relationship my mother expressed her love more openly for him... there were nights when she’d shamelessly fuck him hard for all the neighborhood to hear as she moans, groaned, and cried his name, making the entire house shake-our rooms were right next to each other and I ruined all my friendships during this time so there was no friend to turn to then.

There came a day when people were warning the two of them they weren’t right for each other for whatever reason; my mother decided to say fuck them and so we all moved to another over night, back at her home state with her brother in his apartment with his son-his son was okay.

It was during this time I laid conscious witness to the wrath a woman is capable of, most notably my mother; this boyfriend of hers was not only more gentle natured but also an immigrant whom my mother helped attain a green card; my mother’s drinking increased ten fold, puking in the toilet every morning became a routine for them both; fucking for everyone to hear became the norm; my mother was extremely obnoxious I trying to be one of the guys during this time.

Over time my mother had progressed from mocking and humiliating her boyfriend in front of her brother to shaming his religion, his family, and his character (notice how she coaxed him into the distance from his family), to all out punching him in his sleep demanding that he go do the fucking laundry. We heard everything-how she’d slap, scratch, punch, call him a bitch, a faggot, a dumbass man-there were times she’d brag about being able to get any man she wants as men only care for one thing (she was beautiful in her youth but that has long since faded).

Eventually her boyfriend began working and when he had enough money he ditched her completely calling her at the greyhound station at midnight as he awaited his bus; my mother didn’t have a car to go fight him, she was powerless: she resorted to a low growl demanding that he come back to her, that he won’t leave her, that he can’t leave, that they were supposed to get married and have children, that he better get his fucking ass back her NOW!

He stood his ground and I admired him for it.

Throughout the weeks of her grief my mother my mother go through days drunkenly sobbing about wanting to slit her wrists and blaming us for it.

My mother eventually found a job and got an apartment for us all; she went back to drinking and seducing a man from work whom she had written poetry about (we read her diaries).

Eventually there came a day I had gotten kicked out of an alternative school for having slit my wrists; throughout a six month period I spoke with a therapist which she detested as I exposed the truth of her ways to therapist with her there in frustration of following her orders on pretending everything was fine so as to get back into the school but I didn’t care. I knew the school was done with me and I with them.

The following months were tense between us especially being 18 at the time and seemingly doing nothing with my life except for wallowing in self pity (it’s true, I was).

Eventually the tension amounted to us having a massive argument, the neighbors below were terrified and called the police, my mother called her brother to come over and kick my ass, I was arrested for disturbing the peace and after having made the dumb decision to plead not guilty I was finally released after nine from the help of one of the fellow inmates.

The world did not look the same, I felt lost, I felt pathetic, I didn’t know what to do or where to go, what was I doing with my life? Why am I doing this to myself? It was only worse after having walked back home only to find all my belongings were tossed to the wayside in sake of their leisure.

I broke down and contemplated suicide over and over again until I had finally called the hotline for my therapist; they invited me over and I spoke with a couple women who assured me they’d let my therapist know of everything going and if there was any way they could help, I decided I’d be fine and that I’d come in the next day.

My mother and I argued that night: at this point I thought “fuck it, I’m done letting anyone walk over me again: I’m not taking their shit anymore even if it costs me my life.” My mother demanded I leave, I refused, she called her brother to come kick my ass; after sometime she packed up with my sister and left, picking up my brother from his job along the way. After a few hours I heard a knock, I crept my way to the peep hole to find a hand covering my view; I could hear from the creeking in the stairs that there was more than one other person there, most likely their little brother. They’d knock for a few minutes and then kick the door before leaving, doing this throughout the entire night; I sat in the kitchen with all the lights off crying to myself how done I am with them, how ready I am to fight back as hard as I ever have should they break through the door. I knew as soon as I opened the door my uncle would have beat and raped me though not kill me, I knew he’d easily over power me but I wasn’t going down without a fight.

The next day comes and I decide to hell with them all; I leave the city never to look back.

It didn’t help that throughout this time my girlfriend at the time had disappeared due to a bout of her own sorrow, I didn’t ever think she’d come back.

I was far more dominant in my youth especially with a cousin I had fallen in love with (the love was mutual) but by the time I had fallen with my girlfriend whom I would be with for three years from the age of 18 to 20 I had become notably softer in my handling of women-this was compounded when I was slapped with the reality of the real world, the world I had been sheltered from all my life, for much of it anyway.

I was afraid of falling behind so I worked the first job I could at some restaurant dwelling in petty quarrels.

I believed the only way to survive was conforming to their ways, your ways, the way of the corporate state; I was lost and only knew I had too much potential to squander but no understanding in how to guide it.

The relationship between myself and my then girlfriend was intimate and affectionate; she eventually came back and I forgave her unconditionally; we were a long distance couple and after a couple years of saving (piss poor spending habits on my behalf) I finally journey across the country to meet with her for the first and it was more amazing than I anticipated it could be; meeting her truly cemented in me the belief (or the knowledge) that a soulmate truly does exist, that some things truly are meant to be.

Later that year it turns out she’s turned out (she’s gay); it wasn’t a revelation she was willing to share with me openly; she was still processing her sexuality (she’s lived in repression which was only compounded with her eating disorder, purging), but I wanted answers so I coaxed it out of her; she didn’t cheat on me but she had a crush which she em felt excruciating guilt for as her crush was her brother’s girlfriend. I was understanding and forgiving but even so I was conflicted with feelings of cuckoldry and inadequacy as I felt a failure of a man for having been so naive as to have turned a blind eye to many of the signs which had vied for my attention before (she was never into having sex with me, always only saw me as cute, wasn’t really attracted to other men, tried getting me to break up with her after expressing remorse for having flirted with another man, and reacted with hot excitement after showing her a picture of the cousin I had fallen in love with.)

I’ve regretted it ever since but I pushed her away for the sake of my pride.

She truly did love me, she truly was a lover in spirit and I’ve ruined it.

I had reached out to her several months later with a letter but she never responded; I don’t blame her, she deserves more than a flimsy-hurried letter.

I believed that pushing her away in favor of my family was what I needed; I believed that I could heal my family, that could make us whole, that I could help us all become more than what we are, that we can overcome this together as a family, but I was wrong, I was so wrong.

I played the forgiving role, sweeping everything under the rug with them at first; but that didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t want any of us walking on egg shells around each other and I certainly didn’t want us living in denial of all that had happened.

There came a day when I wanted to express my rage and I wanted them to listen; my mother was defensive and my father was offended; I decided to hell with them both and so it’s been that ever since.

I know not every woman is like this, but what are the odds in finding another woman-my “ideal” woman? It is foolish to impose ideals upon others and especially myself, ideals are for the naive. Much of the women who could be considered my type are usually in the mind of a safe, corporate life with a salary and college education: I despise the corporate state and especially the education system which is no place for knowledge but only doctrines: my passions and ambitions are too barbarous for these women and the odds of finding someone like my last girlfriend are quite slim, she truly was exceptional (there’s also the fact that gay and straight women are fundamentally different, it’s a difference I find shocking and painful but true nevertheless, straight women are far more shallow than the gays); I’ve tried to date around, I’ve met and gotten to know people-the amount of people only interested in casual sex is mighty disheartening as I very much desire a strong and committed relationship in which we grow with each other but it becomes ever more clear that the only thing straight women care for is their submission to power: they truly do not care for anything else of a man unless he’s able to dominate them and make them his slut: in every woman is a slave and a tyrant; give her liberty and she will tyrannize you; make her submit and she is yours. The only women who claim to admire depth in a man only do so because the man in question is in truth just an illusion of a fever dream as he’s yet to embrace his own sacred masculinity-those “men” they desire are no men at all but the Frankensteins of a civilization in decay.

I will not live as a lecher as I value the soil and the body lest I enable and contribute to the degeneracy.

I’ve decided to embrace my chastity; I don’t know if the key will ever be found by another, another worthy of the key, perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t, but I know the path of degeneracy is no path for me; but what of the men? Will they not look down upon me? I will force my will upon them.

Yall don know crap about me so here:

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More cereal than milk. I don like to have a bowl full of milk after.

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a winter-y day? Yes.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Random pieces of old sketch paper I have lying around everywhere.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I drink green tea as is. I’ll have that or cocoa, with milk and sprinkles.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes, I don smile often.

6: do you keep plants? Yes, I have a small sunflower in my window.

7: do you name your plants? Yes, her name is Vivi. Don fuking judge me.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I use oil paints.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yeah, I hum to the music I play when I draw, sketch and/or paint.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Sleep? Hah, I don’t, but If I take my sleeping pills like I’m suppose to, usually on my side.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Er allein, dem die Jugend gehört, gewinnt die Zukunft.  

12: what’s your favorite planet? Saturn.

13: what’s something that made you smile today? Watching Shiloh trip and fall.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? I’m not going to live in the city once I finish school.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! It would take nine years to walk to the moon.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Ramen.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I want to get rid of the blonde patch at my routes.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.  When I learnt German only to give our Jewish history teacher wwII flash backs. Nate was mad. I didn’t care.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? Yes and just small outfit ideas.

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Blue, purple or orange. Why? Idfk.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. My hello kitty little backpack that I brought with me from japan, I now use it as a purse when I go shopping. It confuses people.

22: are you a morning person? hell. no.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Lay in bed till 4 pm.

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Fuck no.

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? The boy’s dorm room.

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My black and pastel coloured converse.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? bubblegum.

28: sunrise or sunset? sunrise. I’m not a morning person but it looks nice.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? no.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes, when? I wont tell, unless asked.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. They’re okay ig, yes?, no, no, and no thanks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I can’t really hang out with friends at 3 AM.

33: what’s your fave pastry? dessert mochii.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? It’s name is Kuma. It’s a brown fluffy bear. yes i do.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? not anymore, I used to write to my mom while I was at school.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Bo burnham. That’s it.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean.

38: tell us about your pet peeves! JB. just JB hitting on. every. single. guy. That or Shiloh. Just Shiloh being Shiloh. Also Bae thinking he’s better than everyone else.

39: what color do you wear the most? Black.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I own a small necklace with purple beads. It has meaning to me I guess.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?  The One Safe Place.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! No.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? JB. 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? When I was 11.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yeah.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. uhhhhh. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Store bought ramen. It’s so gross.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Thunder and Lightning, and yes.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? The last CD I bought? Beetlejuice the musical.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Knifes. Pencils.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? uhh. Jeremy with sad song by scotty sire.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Ugandan knuckles, i know its dead but it’s still my favorite.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? i love beetlejuice.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? idfk.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? I climbed up a shelf at the library to prove that I could be tall.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? no.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? im not answering this one.

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? uhh idk.

59: what’s your favorite myth? Any Japanese urban legend.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? uhh. no.

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I once gave away some floppy hat that my step dad gave me.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Yes, pineapple.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Yes. I make sure they’re organized on genre and then in the genre it’s alphabetized.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? blue.

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My mom, but in order to do that, i’d have to die. :)

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Pink daises and sunflowers, small ones, plus some bits of lavender.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Happy, it’s nice.

68: what’s winter like where you live? no snow, it’s like 60 degrees.

69: what are your favorite board games? idk.

70: have you ever used a ouija board? ya.

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? green.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? No, i have an okay memory.

73: what are some of your worst habits? I bounce my leg around whenever i’m not moving, that or I flick my pencil around.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. big ass hole.

75: tell us about your pets! I only have one and she’s a blind kitty. She’s white with spots and has a fluffy tail.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? My homework.

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink.

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? uhh i really don’t care

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? I was given a flower by some girl during lunch, i never got her name though.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white, i didn’t get to choose cus I live in a dorm room.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. northern star.

82: are/were you good in school? ya i am.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? idk.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? no.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Ya i guess, and deadpool.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? no. not really.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? my neighbor totoro, kikis delivery service.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? not really.

89: are you close to your parents? I was close with my mom.

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. tokyo. i don’t have to explain.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no where.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i don’t put cheese on my pasta.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Shaved under my lil floof bangs.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?  Jeremy.

95: what are your plans for this weekend?  Draw.

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I update immediately.

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INTJ - The Mastermind, libra, and huffle puff.

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? idk and no.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. no.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past, and for reasons.

Hi can I request a matchup?? I’m a 5’0 bi girl (preference for girls but guys are also cool!) i have short, dark hair and big brown eyes, and I never leave the house without trying to dress fashionably. I’m super bubbly and social, sometimes reckless and wild, I’m intellectually smart but a huge dumbass, and can’t help myself from smiling. I’m also depressed and hella self conscious so that’s fun! I like art, writing poetry and short stories, and theatre. Thank you so much!

Hi this took forever I am SO sorry. My ass Do be depressed and slow, and my brain said ‘haha writer juices EMPTY. WHORE’ so this definitely had me stumped   

#1 is...Neijre! 

Now I’m probably gonna key in on the reckless and wild part here

Because y’all met at a party probably!! 

Now we all know that Neijre is popular. 

Blunt but popular. 

So one day y’all are at someone’s ‘my parent’s aren’t home and I’m pretty sure that if I replace the vodka with water they won’t notice’ party. 

It’s going great!! 

People are wasted and Lady Gaga is blasting and the friend you came with ran off with a Ketsubutsu student 

You’re kind of tipsy

Tipsy enough that you don’t have the cognition to think through decisions 

So you’re standing next to this blue-haired cutie who you’re pretty sure you’ve seen before 

When someone bursts through the front door, screaming bloody murder about the police 

Naturally, they have everyone’s attention when an officer that definitely already called the paddy wagon 

So someone from the upstairs balcony hollers ‘scatter!!’ and you grab the hand of the first person you saw

Which was the blue-haired girl! 

And she seems surprised but she runs with it (literally)!! 

You two go upstairs, almost cornered, before hopping out a window 

You two are falling when she uses her quirk and helps your landing 

And then y’all make tracks for the fence line. 

By the time you two have ditched the house, it’s almost midnight 

And you guys are wandering around town 

The blue-haired girl’s heels are hanging off of one hand 

And the silence is filled with babbling between the two 

A gas station is the decided pit stop before you two part ways 

And you walk in to get some waters 

As you two sit on the curb, watching idiot light cigarettes and try to peel out of the station, she glances over

 There’s something magnetic about you 

And she can’t quite pin what 

But you’re always smiling 

And it’s the opposite of getting on her nerves

She wants to see it again and again 

She’s staring at her drink, thinking, before you present her with a handful of chicory flowers 

She realises that you must have picked them from the side of the road 

She’s bright red because, with all of her social expertise, she doesn’t even know your name. 

She doesn’t know if you’re into girls, if you’re trying to ask her out, if you’re just being nice…

She takes them, and before y’all know it, you’re both leaning in

And as she takes the flowers from your hands, you two kiss

Someone mumbles from one of the pumps that it’s just turned midnight 

Out of nowhere 

Your phone goes off 

And that’s when you jump out of the kiss, and your face falls into a mix of shame, fear, and sheepishness.

‘Sorry,’ you murmur. ‘This is my friend, she was at the party. I probably have to go. Are you going to be alright?’ 

Neijre can only mutely nod, still awestruck 

You begin to walk away, your friend audibly hollering at you from the other end of the line about bail

You look back every couple steps or so to make sure that Neijre is okay before you turn and walk out of sight 

And this begins something for Neijre that makes her hold her hands in her cheeks with a bright red blush 

The problem rises the next morning though

When she wakes up in her bed with a headache, she realises that she has no literal idea who you were 

So when she goes to class (because real thugs party on weekdays) she’s hugging the chicory flowers to herself 

She tells her story to Mirio 

Who tells it to Midoriya 

Who tells it to Ochako

Who tells it to Aoyama

Who tells it to-yeah, you get the idea 

So by lunch, the entire school is talking about Neijre’s Cinderella story, and about her kiss at midnight 

And what do you know? 

You hear it in your friend group from 1-D that Neijre got into a cop chase with a dashing stranger who she made out with on a bridge before being cruelly dumped 

And you’re just like ‘?????’ before asking where to find Neijre. 

They answer but don’t put two and two together that maybe you were the dashing stranger 

So later that day you go to the road to pick more chicories and add some speedwells in there, before going to hunt down Neijre. 

You’re standing at the entrance of school the next morning 

And it’s FAR too early for this 

But that’s what love does 

But anyway

You’re standing there

 With the flowers in hand 

And you stand there 

And stand some more 

And you’re standing there for two hours 

And you’re contemplating just bailing and finding her another time 

When you hear the loudest gasp 

You look up

And she’s standing there, hands covering her mouth and her eyes wide 

‘N-No way! It’s you!!’ 

She looks positively elated, and before you can do anything more 

She leaps forward and kisses you smack on the lips 

Sure people are staring 

But she just covers you in kisses, grinning giddily the entire time. 

She seriously had doubted that you would appear, ever again

And that midnight would seem like a summer dream 

Mirio would have to usher Tamaki with him inside because of how long it takes for you two to part 

It becomes the Cinderella story of U.A.

#2 is...Tooru! 

Listen 

This may be sad/punny 

But you make her feel seen 

You always make her feel involved

She understands that because of her quirk there is a bit of an obstacle in trying to involve her 

So whenever you look over and ask her opinion 

She feels really giddy!! 

It makes her blush, and for once, she feels grateful for the invisibility; you can’t see her light up like a Christmas tree. 

She daydreams about you a lot, and to be honest, it’s always really domestic. 

Yes, she may be a cuddle bug, but she wants to go grocery shopping with you and complain about how expensive milk has become 

And sometimes her daydreams will evolve into actual scenarios, including arguments. 

Every time it shifts, she gets kinda spooked and semi-avoids you for about an hour afterwards

The first time you guys really interacted was at the Sports Festival, during the race 

She was lagging a little bit behind because her quirk doesn’t really help 

So at one point, she gets tripped up (she has her uniform on, remember!) 

And she’s pretty sure that he knee is scraped 

But then this sweet little lady stops and notices Tooru holding her knee for a second. 

Tooru’s confused when the young woman looks around, before placing a hand over the wound. 

Tooru’s about to freak out before realising that the wound is gone, but instead, it’s on your knee now 

You give her a thumbs up and carry on, limping a bit now 

She can her Present Mic talking about it loudly, but she’s too busy getting back up and running to pay attention 

She makes it into the top ten (if I remember right) so after you congratulate her!

 With a high five!! 

She’s really giggly throughout the entire encounter and tries to subtly ask if you’re single 

Note that subtly is not really subtle 

So you have an invisible cutie coming for your kneecaps!! 

To kiss them better!! 

After you two begin to chat more

And she invites you to a lot of the extra 1-A outings! 

All the girls are super supportive of it and do their best to make some sort of shoujo situation out of it. 

If it rains then conveniently Tooru left her umbrella at the dorms!! Oh no!! 

Oh? Ochako has an extra that’s big enough to cover the entire class? 

Well then!! You and Tooru have to share 

(bakugou also forgot his umbrella, but as much as he complained to everyone else, he didn’t say a word to you and Tooru) 

The boys (like Bakugou) are a bit less wing-man-y, but they certainly are rooting for you! 

If Tooru wants to know your favourite colour, then chances are, Midoriya’s got it in his brain somewhere. 

If she needs help cooking your favourite meal, then Bakugou will bitch and whine while making sure she measures flour properly. 

And if she’s going on her first date? You bet your ass that Aoyama will be there, styling her. 

So when they see you two kiss for the first time (Tooru wore lipstick to make it easier to aim) everyone went ballistic. 

‘Fucking finally!’ 

‘Go Tooru-chan!!’ 

‘Congrats, kero.’ 

#3 is...Todoroki! 

j

Jealous boy 

He wants to be popular 

He noticed you after the sports festival (of course) 

And sees that you’re a little social butterfly. 

He wants what you have

You have all these people that flock to you for friendships, and you’re always smiling and goofing off

And yet you have fantastic grades 

So with a determined huff, he decides 

He’s gonna ask you to coach him in being a young socialite. 

So when he approaches you he feels really daunted 

You’ve got this crowd of people around you (in his eyes) 

And he thinks that you wouldn’t even notice him, probably 

However he forgets 

He is a half white half red angsty bastard who everyone saw and instantly parted like the red sea for 

So all you guys see is him glaring down at you

And you’re like ‘😰  whoop guess this is where i die” 

Someone’s asking if they can be in your will when Todoroki starts talking 

‘You’re loud. And friendly.’ 

Everyone’s expecting him to blast you to the moon for being loud 

When he goes into a ninety-degree bow

‘Please teach me, sensei.’ 

Everyone’s like the pic i sent you of Bibble 

It’s just AWESTRUCK

And  you’re like ‘ohh, you don’t wanna kill me? Dope!’ 

And that’s where his lessons begin 

You start off with telling him that his resting face made him look either constipated or pissed 

So he starts working on making sure that people know he has no ill intent 

And slowly but surely 

People approach him with invitations to parties for he himself to go to, not as a Todoroki, but as Shoto

And he’s absolutely ecstatic

He thanks you endlessly

But naturally this leads to something or the other for him

Because you gave him the chance he needed to be a teenager, for once 

And gradually he realises 

That’s he’s gotten a crush on you 

Now 

He’s a bit afraid, because he’s not had any good role models in terms of love

And baby boy doesn’t want to lose your friendship and trust if it doesn’t turn out 

He does get jealous 

But doesn’t say anything 

He just stares 

And at one point, after a cute Support student tried panning over their number, you notice todoroki staring at the ground, looking angry

You go up to him

‘Hey, are you okay? You look kinda upset.’ 

His head snaps up and he’s blinking down at you 

And he just feels really conflicted 

Because he assumed that it would be better if you just remained as friends for right now 

And that the best route would be just to keep you in his heart 

But when you look at him like that, he snaps 

‘May i talk to you in private?’ 

‘Sure. Is everything alright?’ You’ve got a nervous smile on your face as he drags you outside 

And once out there he just spills his heart out 

‘I understand that you and I are friends, and you are one of my closest friends. However, I’ve found myself feeling...different around you. I want to hug you, and ward off anyone that tries talking to you with romantic interest. When I first met you, I was jealous that you were so popular and kind, and that everyone loved you for who you were. But as you showed me more and more about how to be normal, I started getting jealous of everyone else, that they could be-’ 

And he goes on this speil and the entire time he is this 🤏 close to crying 

And he starts talking about his mother and how he’s scared he’s gonna end up the same way if he dates you 

You don’t want to cut him off

But he’s going on and on and on pouring out his emotions

So when he takes a second to catch his breath, you pop in 

‘I’m glad you’re talking to me, but I like you too. Hopefully, you’ll stop stressing a bit.’ 

And todoroki short circuits. 

He takes a second 

Blinks

And then blinks again

Before smothering you in a hug as he lets a tear or two fall onto your shoulder 

And you two stand there for definitely longer than you should’ve 

Present Mic actually comes looking for you two because classes started again

And from behind Todoroki’s back, you give Present Mic a thumbs up before gesturing to your other hand rubbing his back and then his gently crying 

Present Mic gives a big ol grin before turning a corner, waiting for you two to be done 

(you’re lucky it was present mic, or else you two would’ve been physically ripped apart) 

@deer-skull2319

The masters of Red have no personalities so I made them up.

Feend vor Sembren

Ah yes, Nasuverse!Edgeworth

Strict AF college professor who actually cares about his students. They affectionately call him “Professor Fiend”.

W O R K A H O L I C

A total romantic who loves his wife and son. If only he made a habit of actually coming home…

Did you know this man is 52??? Did you know his son Fezgram is 24???

The only one here who knows how to be a functional member of society.

Pretty heavy smoker, so he has a raspy voice.

Surprisingly, Feenie’s a connoisseur of wine. Kayneth introduced him to a lotta high-end alchohol in their college days.

Yes, he knew Kayneth. They were good friends before Kayneth bit the dust.

I dare you to make vore jokes in front of him. I dare you. You’ll die but at least it’ll be fun.

Listens to a lot of 70s-80s bands. In case you’re wondering, he’s a big fan of Queen and Fleetwood Mac.

Pretty technologically advanced for a mage. His pragmatism towards technology was inspired by a certain gun-wielding magus killer.

Was married into the Vor Sembren family. Since he was born a poor boy, he’s always trying to prove himself.

His parents were Chinese Singaporeans, so he’s fluent in Mandarin.

Feenie’s magecraft focuses on transmutation. With select materials, he can transmute one thing into another. He mainly uses his magecraft to heal wounds and create pseudo organs and flesh.

Has at one point intimidated a person by showing them a transmuted heart and lying that it’s theirs.

His wish for the Grail is… Well, he plans to give the Grail to the Association, so he doesn’t particularly care about the Grail.

It’s to run away from mage society with his family

Rottweil Berzinsky

OH BOY LOOK AT THIS DISASTER.

Australian. Because of that, he has a noice Australian accent.

S H A R P   T E E F S

Man’s been in too much explosions

His Crowley-esque shades hides his lizard eyes.

“If I’m gonna do horrible things, at least I can make them FUN”

Think: Steve Irwin but borderline psychopath.

Is surprisingly good with kids! Rott’s the kinda guy who’d chastise a child for being mean and/or rude, but would teach them how to stab assholes. “Y’see a weird man offering candy from his van. Wha’dya do? Shank ‘im!”

Man’s a natural prankster. He’ll prank E V E R Y O N E and A N Y T H I N G.

Likes: Sunbathing. Hates: Cold weather and winter.

Thinks Gene Rum is a cooooooooooooold bitch with a stick up her arse.

Gene and Rott has some history. Both tend to be employed by the same people.

Rott may be a murderer, but he has standards! No killing children, no harming children, if employer does anything to children he will kill them.

Has killed more employers than actual hit targets.

In the manga, Rott can change into silver lizard form. He doesn’t like changing his form since the more he uses that ability, the more monstrous and mindless he becomes.

Rott is indeed a Chimera, a mage who is able to turn into an animal to some degree. He didn’t become a Chimera from his own volition, so that’s also a reason why he rarely uses his ability.

As a Chimera, he’s gained some lizard perks even in his human form. For starters, his saliva is toxic and has lizard eyes. He also can shed his skin to heal certain wounds. In Chimera form, he’s covered in nigh-indestructible scales.

Rott was an orphan who was adopted by a mage named Zagreus Berzinsky. The man wanted to create mythical beast of yore by forcefully fusing children with all kinds of beasts. Rott was one of those children.

Rott was able to escape with a few kids. Eventually, they made their way to the Clocktower. While he himself never went to school, he 100% made sure his “younger siblings” are enrolled in the Clocktower. It’s for their safety.

His wish for the Grail is for an antidote for Chimeratization. Oh! And to kill off Zagreus too!

Gene (Jean?) Rum

Gene, short for Genevieve. (Or Jean, short for Jeanette)

Straight-laced lipstick lesbian.

Likes books because, unlike people, they’re actually engaging. Nah she’s just a bit awkward and self-conscious.

Grew up reading Shakespeare, Arabian Nights, and Grimm’s Fairy Tales.

Since she’s broken into Ivan the Terrible’s library at least once, I can tell you that she’s a professional lock-picker. Wizard who took a level in Rogue.

Fluent in many languages due to her time abroad.

Favorite Genre: Russian Literature

HAS PUBLISHED HER OWN POETRY BOOK!! Though, it’s under a pseudonym and bringing it up will make her really embarrassed.

Thinks Rottweil is a bITCH-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.

Gene doesn’t care much about the morality of her employers. As long as she gets paid, she won’t stick her nose in her employer’s business.

You’d think she’d have Mystic Eyes what with her chilling side-eye.

Loves puns but you’d be hard-pressed to get her to laugh at one in public.

Finished her education in the Clocktower but chose to lead a life of a mercenary. Her family was… pretty miffed.

Never attends family meetups.

Org Rum is her little brother and his presence turns on her latent Cain instincts.

Do you have your rival family’s documents? Do you want to ruin them by exposing these documents but they’re encrypted? HIRE GENE RUM TODAY!

Gene’s magecraft focuses of aeromancy, the control of wind.

Her most famous technique is the ability to make thread-thin tornado chakrams. Anyone who touches these tordano-wheels will get sliced. If she focuses a bit harder, she can imbue her chakrams with lightning.

She makes those storm-threads with a small buckler-sized spinning wheel she bring along. It’s her mystic code and she’s very protective of it.

Cabik Pentel

The current patriarch of the Pentel Clan, a family of esoteric assassins/mercenary group.

Hardly ever emotes so it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking.

But he’s usually very honest and won’t sugar nor exaggerate his words.

The only reason he’s can understand other people (to a degree) is because his brother is such a good person.

Yeah, Cabik loves his brother very much. And as such, he loves his brother’s twin daughters. He’s somewhat of a cool uncle to them.

Doesn’t quite know how he feels about being patriarch since the clan is awful as all hell. He’s good at being an assassin, so he’ll continue the work in the meantime.

BOY ONLY KNOWS HOW TO KILL PEOPLE HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO HUMAN, BLESS HIM.

Proud father of houseplants and a cat

Q: Weren’t you and your brother called “The Gum Brothers” in college?

A: ………………………………………Ah. So you’ve chosen death.

How many daggers does this man have? A LOT

Seriously, you’d think he has a limit to how many daggers he can carry but. No. He just… fucking pops out another pair if the ones he’s using are lost.

His twin knives are called Rahu and Ketu and he loves them very much.

The Pentels specialty magecraft is body modification. Cabik uses this to make his body pliable as fuck.

This bitch can basically make his body have the consistency of a ferret’s.

Need to dodge? Fuckin’ dislocate your spine! Gutted? Move your organs upwards to not make them fall!

Deimlet Pentel

The older brother of the Pentel siblings. Supposed to be the next family patriarch but left that position for his brother.

Big teddy bear man. Big teddy bear wrestler man.

“HAHAHA!! I AM HERE!!” -Deimlet (and totally not All Might)

Divorced man of two daughters. BUT!! HE STILL LOVES HIS EX-WIFE VERY MUCH!!!

“I may want to remarry my ex-wife. Or not, haha……. Unless…;)?”

Stronk dad to stronk daughters. He taught them how to wrestle and….. he’s so proud of them ;’)

MADE OF LITERAL SUNSHINE!! IF YOU SEE THE SUN IN MIDNIGHT, YOU MIGHT BE LOOKING AT DEIM!!

Super protective of his mustache. It’s his magnum opus so do nOT MESS IT UP

Legitimately hates the Pentels, but still loves his baby bro.

Q: Weren’t you and your brother called “The Gum Brothers” in college?

A: What? I didn’t hear you there! Mind *cracks fingers* saying that again?

While he married out of love, his responsibilities as heir-apparent (and assassin) made him incredibly distant to his family. 

When he was tasked to kill his then-wife’s brother’s family, he did so with much hesitation. Because of that, his brother-in-law nearly killed him and ended up dying anyway.

His wife was… not happy, to say the least. That’s why they divorced and she took the kids.

And that’s how he left the family! Killing, as it turns out, sucks ass!!

Good ending tho: he moved to Finland and started tutoring the Edelfelt kids in wrestling.

He’s… actually a masked wrestler there. He’s been on TV a bunch of times!

Joined the HGW mainly to make sure Cabik is doing fine.

Uses his family’s magecraft to super harden his body. 

You can’t gut this man ‘cause he made hIS BODY INTO LITERAL STONE!!

Man is just Indian Alex Louis Armstrong. Thatse it! He cannot change this!

1. Do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

2. How do you take your coffee/tea?

3. Are you self-conscious of your smile?

4. What artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

5. What's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations

6. Is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

7. What are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

8. What's your favorite bubblegum flavor?

9. Sunrise or sunset?

10. Tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

11. What is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

12. What's your fave pastry?

13. Think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

14. Which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

15. What color do you wear the most?

16. What's the last book you remember really, really loving?

14. Who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

15. When was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

16. Do you trust your instincts a lot?

17. Do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

18. What's an odd thing you collect?

19. What are your favorite memes of the year so far?

20.Who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

21. Do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

22. Is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?

23. What would your ideal flower crown look like?

24. What's your favorite kind of tea?

25. What are some of your worst habits?

26. What's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

27. Describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

28. Are/were you good in school?

29. What's some of your favorite album art?

30. Do you like concept albums? which ones?

31. Are you close to your parents?

32. Talk about your one of you favorite cities.

33. What's the hairstyle you wear the most?

34. When's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

35. list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

36. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them?

37. What is one thing you regret having done or not done in your life?

38. Which parent do you identify with the most?

39. What do you think you cook or bake the best?

40. If you could change your first name what would it be?

41. What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard?

42. How about the sweetest song?

43. If you could buy one material thing, and money was not an issue, what would it be?

44. What’s the best way to comfort you when you’re having a really terrible day?

45. Has anything/anyone every saved your life before?

46. Would you ever adopt a child?

47. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try?

48. What is the most important material possession you have and why?

49. What is the most important memory you have and why?

50. When was the last time you cried?

51. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did?

52. Top 3 favorite songs at the moment?

53. What are you wearing right now?

54. Favorite season?

55. Left handed or right handed?

56. Favorite thing you like about yourself?

57. Favorite TV show at the moment?

58. What are some of your pet peeves?

59. Favorite and least favorite subjects in school?

60. Plans for the future?

61. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

62. What celebrity do you look up to?

63. Who/what makes you smile regardless?

64. Favorite song lyrics?

65. Favorite movie?

66. What is the worst thing someone could do to you?

67. What pets do you have/want to have?

68. Describe your day today?

69. Night owl or morning bird?

70. Favorite musical artist?

71. How old are you?

72. Where are you from?

73. What are a few things on your bucket list?

74. Do you have/want any tattoos?

75. Do you have/want any piercings?

76. What do you hate most about yourself?

77. What does your last text message say?

78. What would you name your future daughter/son?

79. What are you listening to right now?

80. What is the last book you read?

81. Favorite food?

82. Cats or dogs?

83. Introverted or extroverted?

84. What is your zodiac sign?

85. Lucky number?

86. Gender?

87. What’s the last thing you watched on Netflix?

88. If you could, what celebrity would you want to meet?

89. Last concert you went to?

90. What do you think of me/my tumblr account?

91. Favorite holiday?

92. Favorite animal?

93. TV you love that’s underrated?

94. What’s your relationship status?

95. What do you want to be/do when you grow up?

96. What would you do if you won the lottery?

97. Most nostalgic game?

98. Have you ever been in love? Or thought you were in love? What was it like?

99. What’s the name of your childhood best friend? Do you guys still talk?

100. Your opinion on marriage?

101. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you travel?

102. What’s something you enjoy doing but don’t tell many people because you feel like they’d judge you?

103. Favorite outdoor activity?

104. A song that makes you want to dance

105. A song to drive to

106. A song that you remember from your childhood

107. One of your favourite 80s songs

108. A song that breaks your heart

109. A song that you would love played at your wedding

120. What kind of music do you listen to?

121. Have you ever been cheated on?

122. If you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

123. What was the last photo you took of?

124. Something most people don’t know about you.

125. Do you believe in soul mates?

126. Your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

127. Guilty pressures?

128. Where did you grow up, what was it like?

129. Do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

130. Have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

131. Top 5 favorite movies.

132. What is the best and worst part of your personality?

133. Would you rather go without your phone or music?

134. Do you believe in god?

135. What’s something that offends you?

136. When do you feel the most confident?

137. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

138. What is the first thing you notice about a person?

139. what makes you laugh?

140. What was your upcoming like?

141. What’s your love language?

142. Are you usually early or late?

143. Turn ons?

144. Turn offs?

145. Are you more dominant or submissive?

146. Quiet or loud?

147. Reserved or vulgar?

148. Secret kinks?

149. Deepest secret?

150. Spicy, Salty, or Sweet?

151. Free number, ask something not listed

152. Legalizing weed

153. Heaven & Hell

154. Gun control

155. Climate change

156. Favourite author

157. Favourite poet

158. What movie do you watch to relax?

159. What movie calms you ?

160. Any favorite documentary?

169.A movie that made you feel empty

170. A movie that made you cry

171. A movie that surprised you

172. A song that made you feel empty

173. When was the last time you feel like you cried a life time

174. Favorite philosopher

175. Philosophy in life

176. A confession

177. things that upset me

178. What i find attractive in other ppl

179. Favourite band(s)

180.Someone i miss

181. things that annoy me easily

182. Something i am talented at

183. Numbers of kids i want

184. Names i love

185. My idea of perfect date

186. A culture you like

187. Favourite illustator

188. Favourite photographer

189. Favorite Blogger

190. Favourite blog

191.A piece of clothe you wear a lot ? and why ?

193. Insecurities

194. Mental health

195. Tell me a hardship you have been through

196. What Impression Do You Think You Give When You First Meet Someone

197. What Impression Do You Try To Give When You First Meet Someone

198. future / life goals

199. something that is constantly on your mind or worrying you

200. Ask anything

The Catfish Chef

My bestfriend watches these crazy reality shows all the time. When I first started talking to men that weren’t my ex husband her favorite thing to say to me was “Girl, you being catfished,” I would always say I don’t even understand what that means. She’d explain it to me and I’d think that doesn’t make any sense? Why would someone pretend to be something they’re not? The great thing about lies is that eventually they always get discovered? So if you lie about who you are, eventually the other person is going to find out? So why lie. But she’s said that about every guy I’ve gotten involved with and the crazy thing is how often she’s right. I’ve been lied to about everything! Occupation, financial status, marital status, other women, felonies, living situations, children, appearance, anything you can think of, I’ve been lied to about it. Being “catfished” is sadly apart of online dating that you have to be worried about. 

I’ve been seeing someone the last few weeks. I had my reservations about this relationship from the beginning. But I did what I always do and talked myself out of my feelings. Honestly the things that concerned me were probably very real and valid concerns but felt judgmental. This guy is from Guatemala, he has hypertension and diabetes, and like a lot of people I run across with such issues he didn’t take care of it. Now he’s in renal failure in his early 40′s and he gets dialysis three times a week. I’m a nurse, I’m very aware of what that means for his life, and if I take him on what it would mean for my life. I’m worried about dating someone with such huge medical issues, but that feels judgmental. He also tells me he’s on the donor list, it’s a 5 year wait list, after I explained to him I love to travel and asked if he could even do that on dialysis. I asked a few friends would you date someone in renal failure and they all felt the same way I did. The other one was he alleged he was 5′3″, I don’t really like short men, to me my ex boyfriend was the shortest guy I had ever dated, and the shortest guy I’d consider dating. But then I’m 5′2″ and I show up to a date and I’m taller than him, so he’s not 5′3″ at all. I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe he’s self conscious about it, it’s definitely the number one thing men lie about. But the more we talk the more I think this guy is sweet and he seems caring, maybe this is okay, however I made it clear I wanted to keep it open and move slow, because let’s be honest here, I no longer trust men.

He’s so sweet and romantic. I have three vases of flowers in my house right now because every time he shows up to get me he brings flowers. He asked my favorite colors and he always makes sure they’re my favorite colors. He’s written me poetry, he’s extremely attentive, he checks on me all day. He got almond milk ice cream and we went up the mountain to see the sunset and ate ice cream together. He took me out on my birthday to get margaritas at my favorite bar and got me my favorite gluten free brownie. For my birthday after only seeing each other for a few days he got me roses and oddly a blue tooth vibrator we could use together. No one has ever gotten me a sex toy? I’ve bought sex toys to use with my partners but nobodies ever thought of me like that. This was fun and a surprise but also strange because we hadn’t had sex. We had kissed, cuddled and held hands, but no sex. He was always trying to come over and help me with things around my house, he was constantly offering to cook for me. As we talked he was literally assessing how he could help make my life easier. He’d wake me up with cheesy pick up lines, they were cute. We spent a night video chatting and playing with the blue tooth toy, I’d never done anything like that and it was a lot of fun. I love the way he says babe, and all the lovey nicknames he gives me. On the surface he seems like a dream come true.

The downsides come out one by one. First thing is he wants to text all day, and I mean ALL day, or spend all day together, I can’t get anything done. I ask him “don’t you have to work?” he says he just got out of the hospital for some GI issue and he’s taking some time off, that makes sense. He picks me up for our first date and we’re talking over dinner and he starts telling me about issues with his daughter. He tells me him and his ex are good friends and how when he first got sick his ex took him in, when that wasn’t working out she bank rolled an apartment for him, then she kicked him out and he had to move in with his mom. So, this guy lives with him mom. He told me he owned and operated a business so I ask about that. He tells me about this business his friend and him started and then he says when he got sick, two years prior, he had to step back because he couldn’t do it. Slowly I realize, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t have a job. He wants to text me and be with me all hours of the day because he literally has nothing else to do? He has nothing else to focus on? All he does is dialysis for 4 hours, 3 times a week. While I understand that’s a lot, and I understand that it wears you out, I know many people who find jobs they can do with those issues, he’s given up. So I start to notice he’ll ask me how I’m doing and if I’m not feeling great or I complain about something he turns it into a whose life is worse Olympics every time. So I quit telling him how I am, because my ex husband used to do that and I know all too well there’s no winning the whose life sucks worse Olympics, especially against someone whose hobby is self pity, I just don’t spend that much time on the negatives in my life. I also start noticing he’s wallowing in it, and suggested he see a therapist, he seemed offended by this and then starts to swear he’s the most positive person ever. He starts blaming all of his issues on everyone else. He takes me out another time and I find out “his” car is really his mom’s car. He takes me out another time and tells me he never does anything, like he won’t even explore the mountain on his own because he’d rather have someone to share every single thing with. I take this badly because to me he doesn’t even sound emotionally independent. He’s also missing a lot of teeth. So at this point he’s truly just riding on the fact that he treats me well, but I’m extremely nervous about being involved with him because he doesn’t have a lot to offer me, and his negative traits remind me of being with my ex husband. 

The icing on this shitty cake. One night we hang out and I finally offer for him to come in my house. We have talked extensively about my insanely high sex drive, he knows I’m a very sexual person. He knows I’ve 700 male followers online and that I have some pictures out there, he knows I explored being a cam girl. He also knows about the bdsm stuff. He’s had a few freak outs about that, because he’s hella insecure. I worried because one day he asked me if I hated small dicks and when I said yes he kind of freaked out about how I’m going to cheat on him so I’m thinking does this man have a tiny dick? I’d mentioned I had a bbc fetish, he freaked he said all of his girlfriends have cheated on him with a bbc men. But then, I mentioned the fact that I had put it out there that i’d like to experience being with a women and he freaked out about how all his girlfriends have left him for women, so I’m not sure what to believe. We make out in my room and he plays with me with his fingers and it doesn’t go past that. I’m super frustrated by this. He rubs my back until I pass out and I wake up a few hours later and I’m horny, so I made the move that time. I start kissing him, I take my clothes off, I essentially tell him what to do, but again he stops short. So I grabbed his dick through his pants, which was in no way erect and it’s small. He says he’s sorry but with the diabetes he can’t get hard. I worried about him having ED with his medical issues. But I’m a little shocked because he’s aware I’m going to want sex and a lot of it? And this man can’t fuck me? I wish when they were explaining hypertension and diabetes to men, instead of telling them about what that does to their heart or their lungs, or eyes, that they’d start with the fact that it can give you erectile dysfunction. So now I’m in bed, naked, with a guy who can’t do anything for me and he says to me, well we can use your toys? I can use my toys, that’s for alone time? What a nightmare. I can’t believe this is happening to me again!

I go to work and I’m telling a friend about all this when all the girls started trickling in. Odd thing about my job is when I first started I was told multiple times, by multiple people, that these people were going to be my family now. I didn’t believe that but after about a year they were most definitely my family and I couldn’t have gotten through so much in this past year and a half without them in my life. I share this awkward sexual experience with all of them and we’re just laughing hysterically.

Friend: You tell him you gonna have to cheat on him? Cause I’d cheat on him!

Me: Girl even if he got a prescription for viagra it was tiny? There wasn’t enough there to do anything with regardless. I can’t be in a relationship with a man who can’t fuck me?

Then I told them the kicker, he left stuff at my house! He really did! I think he knew this was probably the end of us dating and he left stuff. He left his wallet? I was trying to get him to come right back and get all this stuff but he wouldn’t. He made some joke about how I could just mail it if I was trying to get rid of him. My friend said, girl did you get his address? I’d have been like what’s your address? I’ll send it out today.

So I met a man in his 40′s whose dating profile made it sound like he was a chef, with a business, and single dad, who has his shit together. What I got was a disabled, homeless, jobless, carless, toothless, dickless guy, whose adult daughter won’t talk to him, who definitely does not have his shit together, and been living off other people for years.

Today I woke up to 5 text messages and 3 snaps, when I suddenly remembered his drivers license is in his wallet, and that has his address on it. Bye Felicia!

If it makes any difference to anyone, my ex was emotionally abusive. Don’t believe me? Such a great guy? He constantly put me down & made me feel worthless. Told me how his other ex had a better body. Or that this person was a better kisser. He told me he didn’t like my singing, my dancing, even at one point how I read poetry. He told me to do more squats so I would have a better ass. Sometimes he wouldn’t do nice things for me because he said I would “appreciate them more” when he did do them. I never got flowers, compliments, or anything. He never followed through with his promises, ever. Half his gifts (and I’m being generous here) were things he used that were broken or that he no longer wanted. I didn’t realize how fucked up it was that he gave me his broken phone stand and bought himself a new one until someone pointed it out after we broke up. I hardly got a thank you for half the shit I did. Fuck he went down on me TWICE in the entirety of our relationship. (I’m laying it all out there yo idgaf) because he said it was gross and I never forced him or made him feel uncomfortable about it, all the while I grew incredibly self-conscious about it. There are SO MANY other things worse things he did/didn’t do that have left me so emotionally bent out of shape. He constantly made me feel like I was too much, too sensitive, too caring, too happy. I disgusted him. He didn’t like anything about me at all except my ability to give him the things he wanted. He called it “liking my company.” Towards the end he couldn’t say ONE THING about why he liked me or stayed with me. And I was so lost we stayed together for months after that. He broke down my sense of character and self entirely by bringing me to question everything I loved about myself.

So it’s hard to act all chill when this dude plays all sweet and nice and unassuming and likeable while I’m here barely understanding what a healthy relationship looks like. Seriously FUCK this guy. He is soul-sucking as a human being. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. I know no one will believe me. No one will be upset for me. That’s why I don’t say anything. I look like the woman scorned. I look like the needy ex who can’t get over it. I sound like a woman being angry, being emotional. But FUCK I have something that I have a right to be angry about. This guy wasted three years of my life and what am I left with? I can hardly stand a compliment anymore. I can’t comprehend kindness from others. I totally distrust everyone’s intentions. A healthy relationship seems impossible and something born in fantasy.

Being in an abusive relationship does that. It tears you a apart from the outside in. Because anytime he was kind to me, he wanted something. He never just did something for me. It always had to in someway benefit him. And I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I have to come out here and drag someone like this. It’s never something I wanted ever to do or feel. I really don’t. But this guy is toxic as fuck and all the things that I said.. they happened. I can’t even believe that even some of this actually happened. But they did. All of this is true and real. I went through something and I can’t reign it in anymore. I was good to him. I was good and I need someone to know what happened to me. And he was horrible, acting one way in front of others and a totally different way with me in private. Everything was always a make or break with him. One slip up. One hormonal day. Anytime he did something to push me to the edge it was my fault. And he would rethink everything. He was good at first too but that’s how it always starts. People need to know. I need someone to know. I need someone to believe me. Please believe me. To recognize that my experience was real. I need something. Someone say something. Please. I can’t hold it in anymore. Because this is ridiculous. Because this person did terrible, terrible traumatic damage to me. And my hands feel tied. I can’t say anything but “heal” and sometimes that feels totally worthless and ridiculous. Fuck this guy sorry but fuck this guy.

4x21: Harry and the Harrisons

I’m gonna start with the completely shallow thing that I enjoyed about this episode: Two shirtless Barry scenes! I’ve been so deprived, and I feel so blessed to see shirtless Barry again. 

Iris’s article. Wow. I am so happy she did this, and to see her so passionate about her research (that was really thorough research too I’m impressed!), and to use her skills as a journalist to help take down DeVoe was just really great to see. I loved how Iris and Barry’s story this episode intertwined this episode. They both had opposing viewpoints on whether or not the public should be told about what DeVoe has planned, but they were able to come to an agreement as a couple in a healthy manner. Iris’s reasoning is solid. Why shouldn’t the public be aware of what they’re up against? This is a plan that will affect the entire world and they should be prepared for it. Though I do understand Barry’s apprehension. He’s not sure if the whole city will believe them about DeVoe, and he may still feel a little self conscious seeing as half the city still thinks he’s a murderer. I loved the scene where Barry is like “Well maybe we should wait til you finish the article to show the team.” “Okay, great! I’m gonna hurry up and finish it then!” Iris’s determination and drive is so admirable. I love it. Another line that was great regarding this arc was “Now it’s time for the Flash to put his faith in the people.” That was such a good line, and I hope Iris getting back into journalism to help take down big bads is a recurring thing from now on, in addition to us getting to know the citizens of Central better. We got a pretty big response to her article and a lot of Central willing to help. My one question is (this may just be a plot hole, but I’m willing to think otherwise until proven) is the one response about a guy saying he saw DeVoe somewhere. So do most people believe DeVoe is alive now, and it’s just the government that think it’s a conspiracy? (cause that’s pretty accurate, actually). 

Harry’s arc was super touching. I always love seeing the more ridiculous Harrison Wells’s they come up with it, and as usual they did not disappoint. Sonny Wells was great. And HP Wells writes poetry about bread oh my god. And can we address how Cisco called that particular poem saucy? Anyway, moving on. I have to applaud the show for continuing to show therapy as a positive experience that you can grow from, cause that’s essentially what this was. Group therapy with alternate versions of himself. It’s a nice breath of fresh air from the initial therapy episode that was written off as a joke. I think this will be a great development for Harry. Yes, he’s always prided himself in his intelligence, to the point he completely defined himself by it. Him learning like Cecile said, that there are other ways to be intelligent, not just book smarts, and learning emotional intelligence, is gonna be a great way to beat the Thinker. Harry coming to grasps with that allowed him to identify that DeVoe wasn’t currently acting because Marlize left him. I love his and Cisco’s scenes together as usual, and Cisco hoping what Harry learned after talking to the Council of Harrisons would allow him to open up to Cisco more, but things take time so I of course wasn’t surprised that Harry said “oh yeah this is completely about DeVoe.” Keep telling yourself that, Harry. I loved his line after he determined that “That took a lot out of me. I’m gonna go take a nap.” I relate so much? I mean I’m exhausted after some therapy sessions depending on the topic so I totally get that. 

Caitlin frustrated me in this episode. I get that she’s not the only one that has hid things from the team, but her reasons were entirely self serving. She wants her powers back for her. Yes, I don’t deny that she does want them back to help the team, but that is secondary. I can’t ignore the obvious parallels they were making between Caitlin and Amunet this episode. Amunet is completely self-serving, only looking out for herself. Caitlin’s actions in this episode really paralleled that, and her defending Amunet after she fucking tried to sell Barry does not sit well in my books. These current decisions and Caitlin potentially losing herself to Killer Frost again makes me think they are heading down a villain/anti-hero arc for her, and I’d definitely be behind that. Ideally, I’d like to see Frost and Caitlin merge into a single personality, which would result in a morally grey Caitlin. Which I would prefer cause then we could get some cohesion between both characters. I do like that she’s getting more scenes with Joe. That’s a teamup that hasn’t been done in the past that much, so seeing them work together again was nice to see.  Sidenote: I don’t hate Caitlin, I’m just frustrated with her at the moment. 

yeah so I need to talk about the scene with Amunet and Barry when she first came into the cortex. She is eyeing Barry like he’s not human. She is very obviously sizing him up like he’s prized pig she’s gonna buy from the market, and it made me very uncomfortable (which was most definitely the intent). Barry’s restrained anger at being in the same room as her was very well done. He’s probably seething that he can’t save the metas she’s already sold at the moment cause they have to beat DeVoe before they can even begin tackling that problem. 

I love that we’re getting to see more of Central as a community as of late. We got the hippie community in the forest in 4x18, and now we get to see more of Central City’s underground in this ep. Is there a meta underground? Cause that’s the impression I got from the first ep CC’s underground showed up, and that concept is fascinating and should be explored more. I have to comment on Norvak and how fucking gross his power is? He reminds me of an X-Men villain because of how weird his power is. He’s really the only meta we’ve seen other than King Shark who has a physical manifestation of his power. I’m really curious about this. How common is that? Is it more common than we think? I think if they delve into the science of the metagene they could help explain that. 

I am both excited and scared about next episode. I’m excited cause we’ll get a lot of action and Diggle guest starring, but also DeVoe causing major damage as he starts to act on his plan. Though Iris’s article did make Central aware of the impending danger, I also think it will prompt DeVoe to speed up the timetable of his plan. I am curious to see how ARGUS reacts to a fullscale attack by him. It will be sad, but I think Fallout will end up dying in this ep. I’m excited to see Diggle interact with Barry again, and perhaps he can impart some of that trademark Diggle wisdom? Something that scares me about the ep is the theory (that I’m completely buying into cause it makes so much sense) is the scene of Iris and Barry with Iris saying “What are you willing to do for the world.” is actually DeVoe shapeshifted into Iris. That sounds like something DeVoe would say and that is totally fucked up that DeVoe took the form of his wife to fuck with him, and possibly do something bad to him! As far as the finale goes, I think DeVoe will succeed in turning the machine on, and the team will have to race to turn it off before it effects the entire world. This would in turn affect a significant amount of people though, which is why I think what DeVoe does in the finale will lead to the anti-meta arc, especially considering he’s attacking an ARGUS facility next ep and ARGUS is directly involved with the anti-meta movement. 

Survey #425

“evolution repressed by our backwards contest  /  breeding our torrential demise as we come to this edge”

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? I think Nutella is a godsend, but I use peanut butter waaaaay more often. We don't even really buy Nutella because I will destroy the jar. Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Baked. What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? Kathryn. I think. Do you like breadsticks? I just like bread, man. What are your favorite things to spend money on? Tattoos, uuuuugggghhhhh <3 Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Neither, really. Most puppies drive me insane (even though they're cute as everliving fuck), and I don't want another cat. Mom actually talked about getting another, but I really just want my one boy. Roman would get SO jealous, anyway. I enjoy just having my baby. How old will you be on your next birthday? 26. Yikes. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? As "the fat one," I can be sometimes. I would say though that more often than not, it's sort of whatever to me because I'm a human that has to eat. When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts? I thought I slept way later than I actually did. What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody? My stuffed meerkat Rebel. Jason got it for me for my first birthday that we were together. Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic? Never again. I was once able to think "agree to disagree," but sometimes by doing so, you're siding with evil by not enforcing what is more than just a belief. It should come with being a human. Also given my own sexuality, it would be a slap in the face to me. Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one? Hell no. I'd date one though, if they were modest about their position. Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried? Wow, no. Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence? Quite frankly, nowadays, my appearance. I need it. My self-confidence is so far below "shit." Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise? Nope. You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why? Hm. I know I talk about it a lot, but it would still probably be a 40 gallon terrarium for Venus. She needs - and deserves - it. Honestly, have you ever danced naked? NOOOOOOOO. What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? Downloaded music. My mom eventually found out, but didn't care much. What is the home page on the computer you’re on? Google. Do you like to write poetry? I do, but I haven't done it in a while. :/ Are your ears pierced? Yes. If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle? Piercing gun. Which, by the way, do not do. There are many more risks with a piercing gun versus a needle by a professional. Do you wear makeup regularly? I never do. Did you eat cereal for breakfast today? No. I've been on a bagel kick lately. When was the last time you tripped over something? Last night, actually. The rug in the living room was slightly turned up, and I tripped in the dark. I didn't actually fall, thankfully. Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies? I'm diagnosed with OCD. I experience more ruminations and intrusive thoughts more than obsessive behaviors, though. Who was the last person you yelled at? Probably Mom. Why did you yell at them? I don't remember. Favorite type of apple? I like pink lady apples. I really enjoy any, so long as they're crisp. Ever seen live horse racing? No. To be totally honest, I don't really like the concept of it. Motivating a horse to run by hurting it doesn't exactly seem moral... How about live greyhound racing? No. What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without? The Internet, haha. Have you ever touched a giraffe? No. What does your mom call you? Britt. What stresses you out the most in life? I really don't think I could pick a top one. There are so many. Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite? Yeah. Y'all probably know WoW is my favorite. If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father? Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero? I used to be able to slam out Expert easily with only very few songs I had to play on Hard, but now it's been YEARS. I've played less than once in a blue moon, and my skill's definitely faded some. It really depends on the song. What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend? He couldn't handle my depression anymore. What’s your favorite country song? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw, probably. What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you? Fail to communicate what he was feeling with me and then make a dashing break for it very, very abruptly after three and a half years. It put me past a state of shock, but trauma with how no less than obsessed I was with him. What were you for Halloween last year? I didn't dress up. :/ I wish I had the money and motivation alike to. Are you feeling guilty for something? I always will. Are you usually quiet or loud? Quiet. How many hours do you spend on the computer a day? Like... uh... all of them, oof. What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do? Meerkat Manor. Do your siblings text you? Not really. Do you want a small or big wedding? Small. Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth? Not the house I currently live in, but I have before. Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know. Ever kissed someone who smokes? No. Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you? Frankly, no. Do you own your own computer? This laptop, anyway. Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? Yes, with my younger sister as a kid and pre-teen. What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment? I hear the video I'm watching, as well as my fan. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yes. What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? Nothing. Not like that's a surprise. What do you typically order from Wendy’s? Son of the Baconator. @_@ Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper? No. Those are so awkward to me. What do you love most about yourself? I don't know these days. Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed? No. What are you doing right now? This survey and re-watching John Wolfe play Outlast 2. What’s bothering you right now? I'm immensely nervous about tomorrow. I have my first (and I pray the fuck to God not only) session with my new personal trainer then, and I'm terrified by how my body and my mental fortitude is going to react. Y'all have no fucking idea JUST how out of shape I am, and the muscles in my legs seem basically non-existent by now. I have to do something about my health, though, and I'm determined to make this shit work. More than determined. I know the first day is going to be hard, but I need to do this more than I can explain. What was the last thing you drank? ... What great fucking timing, I have a can of Mountain Dew, lol... That's another thing that needs to change. I've gotta stop the emotional and boredom-eating and chill the fuck out with soda. Be honest, do you like people in general? Quite frankly, no. There are plenty of people I love and think are amazing, of course, but I think I lean towards humanity being too shitty to like "in general." Do you want your tongue pierced? I miss my snake eyes. :/ That was suuuuch a cute piercing. I just had to take it out for the safety of my teeth. I kept accidentally clamping down on one of the balls when eating, and it would cause tiny fractures. Do you change your phone background a lot? No. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? It's not funny-sounding, no, I just think it's too manly for me to enjoy as part of my name. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly? Yes. Oddly enough, I don't remember what I OD'd on now... You'd think I would, given how extreme the situation was. It was some cold medicine. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I absolutely do. It's extremely insensitive to people like myself who legitimately suffer - and I do mean "suffer" - from the disorder. Describe your day so far in three words: Dull. Lazy. Anxious. What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school? Probably my senior project and the presentation I had to do for it. I taught about the fallacies and misconceptions of snakes, and I made a PowerPoint and some drawings to color and crosswords for the special ed children. I was so, so very nervous, but I got through it fine and the kids seemed to enjoy it. I actually still have the recording. Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: MILKY WAY. FUCK I love those. Have you ever stepped in dog poop? UGH yes. What was the last thing you spent money on? My niece's birthday present. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Is there a guy that knows a lot about you? I almost said "yes," but then I realized he doesn't know me at all anymore. I've changed so much, hopefully mostly for the better. He hasn't "known" me in many years. Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without? It's terrifying to imagine my life without Mom; Sara, too. Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee? I prefer no coffee. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have somewhere to sit that's not the ground, yes. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Sometimes. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? They're pretty, but I don't support their usage by this point in my life. They're a fire hazard, triggering to some vets with PTSD, and beyond terrifying for animals. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? I get most heated about child molestation. You do not fucking touch a child like that. I don't even write any of my bajillion evil guys committing it in RP because I just can't stomach it. Even when my little sister (a children's social worker) is telling Mom about some stuff she sees at work, I have to not be present, 'cuz that shit isn't rare. It's nauseating. Is there anyone you would take a bullet for? A good number of people, honestly. Do you enjoy tanning? Hell no, I avoid the sun and heat at like all costs. Are you a virgin? This is going to sound weird, but I actually don't know, but I lean towards no. Who’s your celebrity crush? mARK EDWARD FISCHFUCK Did or do you get good grades in English class? I was always excellent in English. What part of your body are you self-conscious about? My stomach. But I'm self-conscious about everything else, too. Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner? No. Everyone knows I can't cook worth a damn. Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Truly close, no. Unless you include pets, actually. Then a few. :/ Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Yep. When was the last time you got a shot? Earlier this year for Covid. Get your fucking vaccine, btw. :^)

The Raven Boys, Chapter 4

Gansey had once told Adam that he was afraid most people didn’t know how to handle Ronan. What he meant by this was that he was worried that one day someone would fall on Ronan and cut themselves. 

I love this so much, not least because I am very biased for Ronan right now and he just... like [Gansey] was worried that one day someone would fall on Ronan and cut themselves. Like wow, poetry in motion and double meanings. Why am I sensing a Ronan/Adam vibe here?

I mean, I was about to skip over it but: Believing in the supernatural, tolerating Gansey’s troubled relationship with money, and co-existing with Gansey’s other friends. The former two were problematic only when they took time away from Aglionby, and the latter was only problematic when it was Ronan Lynch. There’s definitely something about Ronan and Adam together? Adam seems very much like the guy that also gets along with everyone else in a very distant polite way, except when Ronan Lynch brings out very true and undeniable genuine feelings in him (the good, the bad and especially the ugly).

Or maybe I’m just choosing my ship too soon.

Girlfriend, in fluttering white silk, looked a lot like Brianna, or Kayleigh, or whoever Declan’s last girlfriend had been. They all had blond, shoulder-length hair and eyebrows that matched Declan’s dark leather shoes.

I really don’t like Declan so far, just from the way Gansey and Ronan react to him and his propensity to switch girlfriends. Adam is also weirdly throwing me off here because we’re told that Declan’s lastest girlfriend’s name is Ashley but Adam is kinda insistent on just calling her Girlfriend in this very objectifying way?

He wasn’t quite sure how to put this feeling into concrete terms. It was a stare caught out of the corner of his eye, a set of scuffed footprints in the stairwell that didn’t seem to belong to any of the boys, a library clerk telling him an arcane text had been checked out by someone else right after he had returned it. It wasn’t that Adam wondered if Declan was spying on them. Adam knew he was, but he believed that had everything to do with Ronan and nothing to do with the ley line. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to do a bit of observation.

Intriguing. So Adam is the Practical Friend, which I buy since he is very much a commoner in a high class surrounding that he’s not used to that he just has to notice everything.

Also, messed up brotherly relationship much? Resorting to spying?

Adam watched the way Declan’s lip barely brushed the bottom of Girlfriend’s earlobe as he spoke to her; he looked away just as Declan glanced up.

I don’t know why just this line makes me think that Adam is gay. The focus of this line is very much Declan’s lips doing intimate acts and Adam watching that (being gay) without being seen (outing himself).

Adam was very good at watching without being watched. Only Gansey ever seemed to catch him at it.

I just like the thought that Gansey is very observant and the reason why they’re such close friends. It also gives this other dimension to Gansey, that Adam may be the Practical Friend, but Gansey is not really the Oblivious Friend. Gansey only plays the Oblivious Due To Immense Focus On Other Important Stuff Friend because he can trust Adam to watch his back.

Not the tidy stacks of an intellectual attempting to impress, but the slumping piles of a scholar obsessed. Some of the books weren’t in English. Some of the books were dictionaries for the languages that some of the other books were in. Some of the books were actually Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions.

I love this type of characterization so much??? Especially Not the tidy stacks of an intellectual attempting to impress, but the slumping piles of a scholar obsessed.

Adam felt the familiar pang. Not jealousy, just wanting. One day, he’d have enough money to have a place like this. A place that looked on the outside like Adam looked on the inside.

Oh, Adam. Also, I can’t quite figure out what  A place that looked on the outside like Adam looked on the inside means exactly. There’s lots of metaphors for me to parse out in this books, and we’re not even five chapters in.

Girlfriend held her hands to her chest in an unconscious reaction to masculine nakedness. In this case, the naked party was not a person, but a thing: Gansey’s bed, nothing but two mattresses on a bare metal frame, sitting baldly in the middle of the room, barely made. It was somehow intimate in its complete lack of privacy.

I do love the image of Gansey’s bed as an island in the sea of books and there’s something about it that speaks of his obsession, like he spent all those money on books that he could careless about the place he sleep in. Masculine nakedness, I’m not sure where that comes in. Ideas?

Adam was struck, as he occasionally was, by Gansey’s agelessness: an old man in a young body, or a young man in an old man’s life.

Adam’s really observant. I had a feeling of Gansey like that, but he describes it so well with his comparison.

There were two Ganseys: the one who lived inside his skin, and the one Gansey put on in the morning when he slid his wallet into the back pocket of his chinos. The former was troubled and passionate, with no discernible accent to Adam’s ears, and the latter bristled with latent power as he greeted people with the slippery, handsome accent of old Virginia money. It was a mystery to Adam how he could not seem to see both versions of Gansey at the same time.

I like it and I’m curious to see how the other slipper Gansey who is born in money acts.

He knocked fists with Adam. Coming from Gansey, the gesture was at once charming and self-conscious, a borrowed phrase of a another language.

Gansey and Adam, both charmingly awkward in speaking the other’s vernacular.

She glanced at Adam. Her eyes didn’t linger, but still, he remembered the fray on the shoulder of his sweater. Don’t pick at it. She’s not looking at it. No one else notices it.

With effort, Adam squared his shoulders and tried to inhabit the uniform as easily as Gansey or Ronan.

Why, hello, Imposer Syndrome. I do really feel for Adam. This is such a nice detail to include. Also, mentions of Gansey and Ronan but not Noah? I’m very curious about the fourth member of their group now.

Ashley blinked vapidly, then said, "Sounds like a metaphor." Perhaps she wasn’t as dumb as they’d thought.

Rude. Just because she’s with Declan?

He left out the part about how he believed the eternally sleeping Glendower would grant a favor to whoever woke him. He left out the part about how it haunted him, this need to find this long-lost king.

And the award for obsessiveness goes to none other than Gansey. Also, though, why? What favor does he need granted? Why is this need to find the long-lost king haunting him so much that it hurts?

Some days, some rotten days, Adam believed the former, and only barely. But being Gansey’s friend meant that more often he hoped for the latter. This was where Ronan, much to Adam’s dissatisfaction, excelled: His belief in the supernatural explanation was unwavering. Adam’s faith was imperfect.

And the barely disbelief feels like betrayal, in some ways, to Adam, when Gansey had reached out to him. I’m also getting a very opposite attracts vibe from Ronan and Adam. I think Adam’s faith is imperfect only because he is practical and believes very much in forging his own destiny like Blue. Ronan and Gansey have what Adam wants to have - money, power, connection -, sees that forging their own destiny isn’t really a thing even with those things, and so turn to the faith in supernatural.

Or so that’s what I think so far with the stuff that I’ve read. Maybe I’m reaching too much and later details will prove me wrong.

"That’s Noah," Declan said. He said it in a way that confirmed Adam’s assumption: Monmouth Manufacturing and the boys who lived in it were a tourist stop for Declan and Ashley, a conversation piece for a later dinner.

Why, just why? It’s like using a dog to start a conversation with a cute girl. Except now Declan dehumanize them to dogs and parade the boys around like clowns, turns around to his girlfriend with laughing eyes to say, “aren’t they just so strange?”

"Oh! Your hand is cold." Ashley cupped her fingers against her shirt to warm them. "I’ve been dead for seven years," Noah said. "That’s as warm as they get."

I can just imagine Noah saying this in such a deadpan way that no one would know if he’s telling a joke or being serious.

Ronan and Declan Lynch were undeniably brothers, with the same dark brown hair and sharp nose, but Declan was solid where Ronan was brittle. Declan’s wide jaw and smile said, Vote for me while Ronan’s buzzed head and thin mouth warned that this species was poisonous. "Ronan," Declan said. On the phone with Adam earlier, he had asked, When will Ronan not be available? "I thought you had tennis." "I did," Ronan replied.

?? I thought Declan was gonna stop by when Ronan has class, not tennis. Also, the idea that Ronan is brittle fits oddly well, along with his appearance that warned he’s poison. I’m thinking about poisonous plants and self-protection via self-destruction, since the only way for Ronan to poison someone is for someone to take a bite out of him and harm him first.

As he pulled Ashley out into the tiny stairwell and down the stairs, Adam heard the beginnings of damage control: He has problems, I told you, I tried to make sure he wouldn’t be here, he’s the one who found Dad, it messed him up, let’s go get seafood instead, don’t you think we look like lobster tonight? We do.

I’m sorry and excuse me, what WTF? Wow, Declan, wow, really? Why did you even go there in the first place? Also, he’s the one who found Dad, it messed him up. Is this hinting that Ronan found their father’s dead body after he committed suicide or I was just obsessing too much about Kakashi and Sakumo recently?

I also just remembered there’s three of these brothers. I’m gonna assume Declan is the oldest if he holds the key to Ronan’s freedom (tho that seems odd to me seeing as how Declan doesn’t seem to quite able to hold Ronan’s leash at all, even in this short conversation), I’m wondering in a I-Don’t-Really-Want-To-Meet-Him-Way if the other brother’s just as bad.

Ronan’s expression was still incendiary. His code of honor left no room for infidelity, for casual relationships. It wasn’t that he didn’t condone them; he couldn’t understand them.

I can buy that, tho I’m wondering if Ronan is really only angry at Declan because Declane switches girlfriends a lot (hence the reference to infidelity) and does it really have nothing at all to do with the brothers’ tumult relationship or the fact that Declan seems to be constantly talking down at him and talking shit about him.

Ronan was not really Gansey’s problem, either, in Adam’s opinion, but they’d had this argument before.

I beg differ, Adam. When you’re friends, everyone is each other’s problem.

Ronan looked chastened, but Adam knew better. Ronan wasn’t sorry for his behavior; he was only sorry that Gansey had been there to see him.

Aww, interesting. From ‘I didn’t take notes for you because I thought you died in a ditch’ to ‘I’m sorry that you had to see this ugly side of me’.

But surely Gansey knew that as well as Adam. He ran his thumb back and forth across his bottom lip, a habit he never seemed to notice and Adam never bothered to point out. Catching Adam’s gaze, he said

Lips again. Like, when I write I have the tendency to over focus on the lips quirking, hand gesturing, eyes looking, but this is Adam looking at Gansey’s habit with his lips and just... never bothering to point it out and always very aware of it. But here’s also Gansey showing that he always knows more than he points out or lets on, like with Ronan and now Adam, since he catches Adam’s gaze as he looks.

Because of his money and his good family name, because of his handsome smile and his easy laugh, because he liked people and (despite his fears to the contrary) they liked him back, Gansey could’ve had any and all of the friends that he wanted. Instead he had chosen the three of them, three guys who should’ve, for three different reasons, been friendless.

Okay, it’s done. Everyone can go home now. This sums everything up about them so nicely that I’m just like let’s stay here forever. The story doesn’t need to go on. Let them be frozen in this period of youth and friendships despite odds.

Also, Gansey is obviously the center of their friendships so when he dies, I can just imagine all of the others breaking down and shattering in different ways and when that happens, all of them will cut each other with the sharp edges of their broken remains.

"I’m not coming," Noah said. "Need some more alone time?" Ronan asked. "Ronan," Gansey interjected. "Set your weapons to stun, will you? Noah, we won’t make you eat. Adam?"

More eccentricities. Why doesn’t Noah eat?

Also,  Set your weapons to stun. That’s such an odd phrase to say, but coming from Gansey, it works? I also think here we see a bit of the other side of Gansey. When he comes out of his obsession long enough to bring his friends together, i think we can see a bit of the other side of Gansey that Adam mentions, the slippery side of Gansey that knows what he wants and knows exactly how to get it.

But Gansey and Adam sought Glendower for different reasons. Gansey longed for him like Arthur longed for the grail, drawn by a desperate but nebulous need to be useful to the world, to make sure his life meant something beyond champagne parties and white collars, by some complicated longing to settle an argument that waged deep inside himself. Adam, on the other hand, needed that royal favor.

I... still don’t really get it? The more that’s revealed, the more befuddled I get.

Even though Ronan was snarling and Noah was sighing and Adam was hesitating, he didn’t turn to verify that they were coming. He knew they were. In three different ways, he’d earned them all days or weeks or months before, and when it came to it, they’d all follow him anywhere.

And their journey continues, this odd band of rich misfits. This chapter as a whole reminds me a bit of a fanfic analysis after everything said and done occurred.  

Pathetic, Clinging Poetry - Chapter 19 (of 25)

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter 

The tears are dried, and the sun has risen; And while despair still clings to my heart, It grows weaker with each breath. One day, I'll think of your presence And I won't crumble into dust. Maybe not today. But I can see it up ahead. 

* 

As she lay curled up on the couch, Peony heard the sound of tires in the driveway. 'That must be the other aunt...' she thought, pulling herself upright. She glanced in the mirror above the fireplace so she could fix her hair -- thankfully it hadn't gotten too matted from laying on the couch. Knowing she'd done nothing but watch T.V. all day made her feel icky, but she'd been too jittery to sleep, too tired to do anything else... Bella had spent most of her day in the garden or working in the kitchen, occasionally popping in to offer her something to drink and make sure she was comfortable, and Spinel was still sleeping like a rock, so at least she knew nobody was judging her.

The door creaked open, and in walked yet another incredibly tall woman -- Peony observed that she was wearing heels, but even without them, she was probably just a little under six feet. She wore a mustard-yellow blazer and a pair of dark grey pants; her hair was a dirty shade of blonde, with a few patches of grey spreading throughout the roots. As she untied her high heeled boots, she met eyes with Peony, and her expression immediately brightened up. "Ah, hello there!" she greeted, placing her boots in the closet. She hurried into the living room and pulled her into a brief hug. "You're Peony, correct?"

"I sure am!"

"Welcome to our home, sweetheart! It's a pleasure to finally meet you. I hope my wife hasn't been driving you crazy all day." Yasmine winked.

"Not at all!" Peony was only lying a little bit. "She's been taking good care of me, I promise."

"That's good to hear." Yasmine responded with a warm smile. "Where's my little jellybean? Is she already out on one of her adventures?"

It took Pearl a moment to figure out that "jellybean" referred to Spinel. 'These aunts sure love their nicknames.' "No, I think she's still asleep." Peony finally said. "It was quite a long drive over here... The poor thing passed out as soon as she hit the bed!"

"What a shame... I've been looking forward to seeing her all day." Yasmine sighed dramatically. She pulled off her blazer, hanging it over the side of the recliner in the living room and adjusting the white button-up shirt she wore underneath. "So..." she began, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears. "You're the girl that stole my niece's heart, huh? I wonder how she landed such a ladylike gal -- almost looks like she pulled you straight out of a church pew!" she chuckled.

Peony suddenly felt a little self conscious; she wasn't sure what to make of that comment. Was that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing? "Ah, well, we actually met at church! She started coming whenever her mother locked her out of the house, sh-she initially only came for the brunch they served after services... But then we became close friends, and over time, well..." Peony trailed off; Yasmine probably got the idea. Her heart fluttered in her chest, and a wave of affection for Spinel temporarily overshadowed her shyness.

"Awww, that's precious..." Yasmine clasped her hands together. "My little girl has such good taste... I bet she learned it from me." Yasmine glanced lovingly towards the kitchen at Bella, who was singing softly to herself as she prepared dinner. Her expression soft, she turned her gaze back towards Peony again. "...Now tell me; why do you look so familiar? Were you a student at my high school?"

"I was! But you probably know my twin sister, too. Or well, knew -- she dated your daughter back in high school. Does the name 'Pearl' ring a bell?" Peony asked.

"Pearl! Ah, that's it! Now it's all coming back." Yasmine let out a sigh. "That little Pearl was such a sweetie. Not to mention, a wonderful influence on the rambunctious ball of energy that was Rose. I'll be holding you to the same standards." she added with a wink.

"Oh, don't be that way!" Bella huffed as she entered the living room, playfully whacking Yasmine with a wooden spoon. "Peony is a completely separate person from her sister. Comparisons are unfair to both of them."

"It wasn't that serious, dear." Yasmine rolled her eyes. "Besides, I don't think it's too much to expect Peony to be a positive influence on Spinel."

Peony giggled. "It's alright, I didn't take it personally." she said. "I've been hoping to meet Pearl again, though... She's living in Beach City with her friend right now. I'm not entirely sure where, but one day, me and Spinel are gonna head over there and... well, hope we'll run into her by some kind of miracle, heh."

Yasmine's eyes widened. "Beach City?"

"What a coincidence!" Bella clasped her hands together. "We were actually planning to head out there this weekend!"

"Really?" Peony's eyes lit up.

"Absolutely! Our daughter has a weekly family game night -- and never told us until the other day! -- so we're heading over there tomorrow." Yasmine said.

"And after that, we'll be stealing our grandson for the weekend." Bella added with a wink. "Steven is such a little angel... I'm sure you and Spinel will have lots of fun with him."

"That's amazing!" Peony exclaimed. "D-do you think me and Spinel could come along? If that's alright..."

"If that's alright? Oh honey, you never had a choice!" Yasmine burst into laughter, giving Peony a rough pat on the back and causing her to squeak. "Our plan was to drag you along from the start!"

"That's not true; while we plan to bring you girls along, you could have said no if you wanted." Bella clarified, and Yasmine rolled her eyes.

Peony giggled. For such a happily married couple, they each seemed to have a sense of humor that... didn't clash well with the other's. "And you know... since Rose was so close with Pearl, perhaps... She's talked to her recently and knows where she might be?"

"I wouldn't be surprised! I'm sure Rose would be thrilled to help you reunite with your sister." Yasmine said. She turned to make her way towards the stairs. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and wake up Spinel. My little jellybean owes me a thousand hugs!” 

* 

"Dude, what the fuck?" Amethyst gave Peridot a rough nudge with her elbow as she reached for her controller. "Stop cheating!"

"Eat my ass, you cheated last time we played! So now we're even." Peridot snapped back, her eyes not straying from the T.V. screen for a second.

"Not to eavesdrop, but uh, how do you cheat at Mario Kart?" Jasper asked as she walked by the living room.

"By knocking the controller out of my hand just as I'm about to pass her up." Amethyst grumbled.

"And guess who I got that idea from?" Peridot huffed. "So now we're even. And from now on, there won't be any more cheating."

"They say this every time they play." Garnet said, turning her eyes towards Jasper -- at least, to the best of her current ability. At the moment, she was balancing herself upside down on her head. "I don't think they intend to stop cheating."

"Bleh bleh bleh blehhh." Amethyst blew raspberries at Garnet. "What the hell are you doing, anyway?"

"You can see very clearly what I am doing." Garnet said.

"Alright, but you better not fall. If you break anything, my sis is gonna regret letting you guys come over." Amethyst snorted.

"I have excellent balance, and you know this." Garnet stated.

"Yeah, but knowing my luck, the one time you do fall is gonna be at my sister's house." Amethyst said.

Jasper simply rolled her eyes and continued to make her way down the hallway. 'Dumbasses.' As she reached the kitchen, she opened the fridge in search of some sort of snack... 'Ugh, but if I eat something, then I have to give them something, too. Don't wanna be too much of an asshole.' she thought, rummaging through the fridge and pulling out a block of swiss cheese. 'Maybe... cheese and crackers? That's something you give to guests, right?'

She diced the cheese into a bunch of little cubes, and spread a handful of crackers across the largest plate she could find. After taking a deep breath, she made her way towards the living room.

"Hey, uh... You guys hungry?" she asked. 'Damn, it'll be awkward if they say no. Then I'd have done all of this for nothing.'

"Ooh, is that cheese and crackers?" Peridot said, extending a hand towards Jasper. "Hell yeah, gimme gimme!"

"Aw, thanks! You wanna join us?" Amethyst suggested. Garnet lowered herself down from her balanced position, shaking her head to re-orient herself and reaching towards the plate as well.

"Uh..." Jasper glanced at the game on the screen. In all honesty, the last thing she wanted to do was play some kid's game with her sister and her weirdass friends... But Amethyst's request seemed genuine, and it made her feel guilty for being so judgy. Besides, it wouldn't hurt to loosen up a bit... "Sure, why not."

"You can take my controller." Peridot said, handing it over to Jasper.

"Thanks." Jasper said, seating herself on the floor beside Amethyst.

"Need me to explain the controls to you?" Amethyst suggested.

"I'm good." Jasper rolled her eyes; in all honesty, it had been a while since she'd played any sort of video game, so she'd probably be fiddling around with the buttons for a moment or two until she figured which one did what... But that was better than letting her little sister explain something to her. She'd step on a pile of thumbtacks before letting that happen.

"Alriiight." Amethyst said, not fully convinced. "You ready to start, then?"

"Yep. Ready when you are."

"Alrighty then, let's get this show on the road!" Amethyst pressed the start button.

To nobody's surprise, Amethyst's character zoomed right past Jasper's, staying far ahead throughout the whole first lap.

"Shoulda taken me up on that offer, butthead!" Amethyst teased, her eyes not straying from the screen.

"I know the controls, dipshit. I'm just rusty. Obviously you're gonna do a little better than me when you play this game all day." Jasper grumbled.

"Then why do you keep running into walls?" Amethyst snorted, playfully elbowing Jasper.

"I'm not running into walls!"

"Yes you are!" Amethyst taunted.

"Fuck you." Jasper knocked the controller out of Amethyst's hand.

"Hey!" Amethyst growled as she scrambled to retrieve it, but before she could, Jasper kicked it across the living room floor so that it was out of her reach.

"You little shit!" she hissed.

"That's what you get for runnin' your mouth!" Jasper cackled, grabbing Amethyst by the collar of her shirt so that she couldn't crawl over to retrieve her controller.

"Not my fault you suck at video games!" Amethyst struggled to squirm out of Jasper's grip; once she admitted defeat, she turned and kicked the controller out of Jasper's hands, sending it all the way across the room.

"You bitch!" Jasper shoved Amethyst onto the carpet.

"Dickhead!"

"Douchebag!"

By then, the two were wrestling each other on the living room floor and snickering childishly, both of their characters falling far behind in the race as the NPCs zoomed past. Peridot turned to Garnet with a confused expression on her face. "Uh... should we do something?"

"Hmm... No. I'm an only child, but I think this is normal for siblings." Garnet said. "They'll tire themselves out soon enough."

"Ah." Peridot nodded in somewhat-understanding, leaning back against the couch and reaching for the remaining cheese and crackers. "I'm claiming these!"

"Maybe the little runt will, but I could wrestle all day!" Jasper snickered, wrapping an arm around Amethyst and giving her a noogie.

"I may be a runt, but you're a cunt!" Amethyst chomped down on Jasper's arm.

"Ouch! You little shithead, I'll beat your --"

Before Jasper could go on any further, they heard the sound of the front door opening. Pearl walked in with an armful of groceries, a huge smile on her face. "Hey girls! I found the greatest deals today! There was a huge sale on dish soap and--" Pearl trailed off as she stared at the sight before her. Video game controllers strewn in different directions, Amethyst trapped in a headlock by Jasper, Peridot stuffing cheese and crackers into her face as if her life depended on it, and Garnet -- well, Garnet was probably most normal person in the room right at that moment. "Uh... What's going on?"

"Just some sisterly bonding." Garnet said.

"My knight in shining armor has arrived!" Amethyst gasped, dramatically falling limp in Jasper's grip. "Save me, my sweet Pierogi Prince!"

Pearl set her tote bags down on the floor. "Tsk tsk... I leave you girls alone for one hour, and we're already resorting to violence?"

"Hey, none of this woulda happened if Ame hadn't been a little shit." Jasper shrugged. She released Amethyst from her grasp, and she fell onto the floor with an "oof".

"Me and Garnet stayed out of this!" Peridot said, holding her hands up in defense.

"We could have stopped it, though." Garnet clarified. "But it was kind of funny, so we didn't."

"Well, I certainly can't allow my fair maiden to be held hostage, now can I?" Pearl rolled up her sleeves to reveal her noodle-like arms and cracked her knuckles, and Peridot held back a snicker.

Jasper raised an eyebrow. "What the hell are y-"

Pearl tackled her with a dramatic "AAAAGH", the surprise of her attack allowing her to push Jasper down onto the floor. She pinned her against the carpet by her shoulders, staring down at her with a smug expression. "I win!" she declared.

"Damn, never thought I'd see the day where I get defeated by a twig like you." Jasper lifted Pearl off of herself with ease and sat upright.

"A twig?" Pearl huffed. "Tell that to Amethyst! She's always asking me to open jars for her -- isn't that correct, darling?"

"Yeahh, sure..." Amethyst said, giving Peridot and Garnet a "she's totally lying" look.

"Don't play dumb!" Pearl hissed. "I'll tackle you, too!"

"Pfft, I'd like to see you try!" Amethyst stuck her tongue out.

"Are you dinguses gonna play Mario Kart or not?" Peridot said. "Because if not, me and Garnet want to play Meat Beat Mania."

"Alright, we have tissues and lotion in the bathroom." Amethyst giggled.

Garnet chucked one of the couch pillows at Amethyst's face. "Oof! Alright, alright, I'll admit that joke's getting old." she responded sheepishly. She turned to Pearl. "Want me to help you put the groceries away, Pearlie?"

"Yes, I'd appreciate that." Pearl jumped to her feet, extending a hand to help Amethyst up as well. "But since I'm such a twig, you have to carry all of the bags to the kitchen for me."

"That's fair." Amethyst said with a shrug.

"Jasper, are you going to join us?" Pearl asked.

"Eh, I'll stay in here. I'm kinda curious about this meat game your friends are going on about." Jasper said, pulling herself upright and sitting down on the couch beside Garnet.

"Alrighty-o, let's go!" Amethyst grabbed the grocery bags from the entry room floor and hauled them into the kitchen. Once they were out of the room, Garnet crawled over to the game system and popped in the Meat Beat Mania disc. "Would you like to play first?" she asked Jasper.

"Uh, I think I'll just watch the first few rounds. Thanks, though."

"Alright." Garnet cracked her knuckles and gripped the controllers in her hands, rising to her feet. And just like that, she was suddenly entranced in the meat-themed rhythm game, leaving Peridot and Jasper behind in the real world.

"Uh, thanks for the cheese and crackers, by the way." Peridot said, setting the now-empty plate aside. She curled up on the couch, hugging her knees up to her chest. "And for letting us hang out here. We thought we'd be stuck playing video games at my cramped apartment forever, hah!"

"Yeah, and I thought I'd never get pinned down on the floor by Pearl." Jasper chuckled. "So listen, uh... I've been kind of a... an asshole. Not recently, but -- well, maybe recently too -- but like... I started realizing that, in the past, I was too judgy of you guys. Even though you're admittedly a little odd, I shouldn't have been so douchey or given you -- and Amethyst -- such a hard time." She gave Peridot an awkward pat on the back. "So... I'm sorry about that. I'm trying to be a little better these days."

Peridot clutched her chest. "Aww, Jasper! That's so nice of you! I didn't know you had that in you!" she cooed, twirling a strand of her curly hair around her finger. "I will say, though -- you might have to repeat that apology once Garnet is done with this level. When she gets into her video games, she doesn't know a thing that's going on around her. One time I drew a dick on her face and she didn't even notice until three levels later!"

Jasper turned her gaze back towards Garnet. "Uh... 'righty, thanks for the heads up."

"No need." Garnet said; the level had come to an end, and she dropped the controller on the ground with a thud. Peridot cringed. "What's with you guys slinging my controllers around like a hacky sack? Those things cost money, ya know!"

"Sorry. I wanted to be dramatic." Garnet said flatly. "Anyway, I heard every word of your conversation, and I forgive you."

Jasper let out a slight sigh of relief. "Ah... Okay. Good to hear."

"Shit, that means you also heard me." Peridot laughed nervously. "Do you also forgive me for drawing a dick on your face?"

"Yes, but I know you aren't sorry for it."

Peridot burst into laughter. "You got that right! I'm totally gonna do it again."

"I assumed as much. And yet, I still love you." Garnet pulled both of them into a tight embrace.

"Aww, group huuug!" Peridot squealed.

All of Jasper's instincts made her want to groan at the cheesiness of it all; but for once, she held back, and allowed herself to accept the display of affection... Weird as they might be, it felt good to get that apology off her chest and know they'd forgiven her. 

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more milk

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? no

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? whatever paper is lying around

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? i take tea w honey

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? actually no

6: do you keep plants? i try

7: do you name your plants? no

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? pen and pencil

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? sometimes

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? NANA?

12: what’s your favorite planet? saturn or neptune

13: what’s something that made you smile today? being able to talk with nina on the way home from school

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? lots of windows and plants and books and bedding! also rlly high up!

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! there are more suns in our galaxy than there are grains of sand on earth

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? whole wheat angel hair with butter and parmesan

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? blue

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one time ioffered to sub for this guy i didnt relly know and i said “hashtag helpful” out loud and he as so disgusted ug

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I want to ! And I want to write about thhings i like and draw lil doodles and paint in it!

20: what’s your favorite eye color? BROWN

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. well i dont really love my bag but i had this purple backback all throughout elementary and middle school

22: are you a morning person? no

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? look up things to draw and play mindless games

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? i dont think so. i wish though

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? in 8th grade i had to break into my own house

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? maybe my old converse

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? watermelon

28: sunrise or sunset? i wish sunrise but reaistically sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? one of my friends always leans forward whenever I break when I drive my car. And another one gets really excited bout numbers and its adorable

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes one time i thought my house was getting broken into and another  time i thought i was lost int he woods

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I like socks that have cute patterns and are warm

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

33: what’s your fave pastry? brownies

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i did but that shit expensive

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? clean bu its always mesy

38: tell us about your pet peeves! broken nails anpying and people wo are ompetetive about everything and make you feel bad about yourself

39: what color do you wear the most? blue

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? i have a sun necklacce that my sister gave my mom from mexico that i “borrow”

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect beads

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? the transcending brain meme

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? no but i want to

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? slept in the attic to rove i should have a bedroom there

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? being funny and optimistic and talkative

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? excited and yes

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? rache is the wine mom and ella is the vodka aunt

59: what’s your favorite myth?

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? yes

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? i gave a set of lobster claw gloves. I received an eraser. 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? i leav them be

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? ella, or shana

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? 

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

68: what’s winter like where you live? pretty at first but cold and oo slushy and gross at the end

69: what are your favorite board games?clue and rack-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?no

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? lemon

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? kin of

73: what are some of your worst habits? procrastination

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they always strive to be the best and they are quiet when you first meet them but loud and funny and competetive once they are comfortable with you

75: tell us about your pets! i have a guinea pig who is paralyzed

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? my pyschology paper

77: pink or yellow lemonade? yellow

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? taken me out to cheesecake factory for my birthday

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? cream color but i hate the color and i wish i had chose blue i am really indecisive

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

82: are/were you good in school? i am pretty good in school

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? calvin and hobbes!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

89: are you close to your parents? yes

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. i love the vibe o san fransisco, everything is so pretty. i also love new ork city because there is so much going on

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? im goign to the galapagos islands in 10 days (im nervouse)

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? drowns

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? ponytail

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

95: what are your plans for this weekend? draw and pack for an upcoming trip and do homework

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? it depends

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? idk, cancer, hufflepuff

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? past, because i have a lot of regrets and i reallly would like to fix them