#I am planning a full reread sometime in the future but probably not for a while lol - need to simmer | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

throttlegainwell · 8 months

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2, 4, 29 for the fic ask !!

I got totally carried away with this, but I had fun! Thanks for playing.

2. Do you read/reread your own fics?

Yep! Not that often, but sometimes when I get a particularly nice comment out of the blue, I'll go back and read the fic. And I'm usually pretty happy with it, as a writer, and as a reader, I enjoy it, if enough time has passed that I don't remember exactly what to expect. I'm pleasing an audience of one when I write and just letting myself explore the weird and niche little ideas that I'm interested in or curious about.

4. How many WIPs do you have right now?

Hahahaha omg SO. Sorry for the long answer, but here we go. My inconsistency/attention span issues are on full display here. And like anyone else, my writing time is limited, so I take kind of a whack-a-mole approach to it.

I used to have files just, like, all over the place. A couple of external hard drives, mostly. So I never knew how many stories I'd actually started and I was always having to find them. I finally started using Scrivener this year, hoping that being able to have one project binder for fics (with different folders for different fandoms and sub-folders for fics themselves) would help me actually remember that they're there and be more likely to work on/finish them. Removing a barrier, you know?

This is going well! I start new fics way too easily, but it's nice being able to just jump into various projects and see at a glance just how much stuff there is. I wish I'd started using Scrivener many years ago when people in my writing circles started raving about it, but I digress.

HOWEVER. For Stranger Things alone, I have sub-folders labeled Gen, Plotty, Non-Porn Shippy, Porny, Dark, and Prompt Fills. Each of those has several WIPs in varying degrees of progress. So assume that all of these folders have a dozen or so documents in them, but here are the ones that I actively poke at on a rotating basis, as time and focus allow:

The please don't wake me series has its own folder under Dark with 8 currently active WIPs that I really am writing, here and there, and genuinely stand a chance of finishing. There are two Dark ones that I may or may not post (probably won't), but I do actively work on them--and also another idea I had this week that is very, very tempting, but also very sad and complicated.

Porny has Fractals (the Nancy one), a Jargyle one, Jancy reunion sex, a future AU Stonathan one, and, weirdly enough, a Carol/Nancy one set in the future.

Non-Porn Shippy and Plotty are all in time-out (hence why I flit between shorter works right now instead of digging into longer ones), and Gen and Prompt Fills have plenty of ideas but nothing that pulls me too much.

It's really incredibly absurd, tbh. And that's just for Stranger Things. My folders for other fandoms are equally ridiculous and also contain some active WIPs. So I guess I'd estimate 20 that I really do work on semi-regularly? Tons more dormant stories that I might jump into any time and turn into an active WIP again.

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

This is a scene from Rainy Day, one of the Dark ones that I've shared a few snippets from but probably won't post in full (focusing on Will and Jonathan and their complex relationship, but with a very weird and upsetting inciting incident). Will's memory here is actually the inspiration for the reference Jonathan and Will make in when there's fire on the ground and remember who held you; their version is very vague and abbreviated, but this is basically what I had in mind. The two 'verses aren't related, but this is where the idea started, and I later used it for pdwm.

Side note: I think Will wasn't exposed to as much of Lonnie's nastiness as Jonathan, so he's not all that aware of what went on between them for the most part, but in this story, Will has somewhat of an idea of how shitty Lonnie is (because of the incident described and the effect it has on him). I wanted to explore a dynamic where he has an inkling of how fucked up things were, enough to see a crack in the facade but not enough to know how to feel about it.

Warnings include child abuse, homophobic slurs, and Lonnie's general gross attitude toward parenting (including an inappropriate home environment). Rated M due to the warnings.

Will knows some siblings talk about sex stuff like it’s nothing, but it’s not like that with him and Jonathan. It’s probably the age difference, or maybe the fact that, if Will’s feeling honest, Jonathan is practically as much of a dad to him as he is an older brother. It’s complicated.

Of course, the one time Will had stayed overnight at his actual father’s place, Lonnie had spent half the night loudly banging his girlfriend as though to remind Will that that’s what real men did, and Jonathan had gotten into a big argument with Lonnie about how Will shouldn’t have to listen to that, and it had been a whole thing. He can still hear his dad’s sneering, mocking voice in his head, laughing all the while like the whole thing was a big stupid joke: “Look, kid, I’m doing the little fag a favor. He’s gotta learn sometime. So fucking untwist your panties, will you, Jonny?”

Will had been behind Jonathan, where he’d snuck out of his room to see what was happening, even though Jonathan had told him to stay put. Normally he listened to whatever Jonathan said to do, but anxiety had propelled him out of the folding cot, out of the glorified closet Lonnie had shoved him into and called a bedroom. Lonnie made him nervous. He always had. But he’d rarely had to really deal directly with their father. He’d always thought that it was because Lonnie didn’t care about him, and that was true, but the older he gets, the more he thinks at least some of it was careful maneuvering and interference-running on Jonathan’s part to keep Lonnie from bothering him.

Anyway, Lonnie made him nervous enough that he’d been unable to just sit there and listen to whatever was happening on the other side of the flimsy door. Jonathan was trying to keep it down, but the harsh, angry tone of his voice was shocking even without the words, hard to reconcile with the quiet, gentle way his brother always spoke to him.

“He’s ten, you asshole,” Jonathan was spitting as he came into view, his shoulders sharp and tense and his fists clenched by his sides. Jonathan was always kind of tired, but he wasn’t tired then. He was all live wire energy and danger. But not enough for Lonnie to take seriously, clearly.

Will couldn’t really remember seeing Lonnie and Jonathan interact much, though he must have, since when Lonnie was over, Jonathan was usually trying to cheer Will up. And even when Lonnie had still lived with them, Lonnie was usually fighting with Mom, disappearing somewhere, actively ignoring Will, or taking Jonathan out to do some kind of father-son bonding thing that Mom expected would make him feel jealous or left out but that actually didn’t bother him. Not that much, anyway. Mom would try to console him, thinking his feelings must be hurt because his dad barely remembered he was alive, but he was often left wondering if it wasn’t Jonathan she should be comforting, though he could never quite put his finger on why. Jonathan always came home from those bonding sessions in a really bad mood, and he wouldn’t ever talk about it, so it never really seemed like Will was missing out on much. But Jonathan was also usually really nice to him after, and not in the casual way he normally was—he’d be so careful, and so intense, and he’d say things like, “You know how much I love you, right?” and things like, “I’ll always look out for you, Will. You know that, don’t you?” And it always seemed so important to him that Will would immediately nod, wide-eyed and confused but never about Jonathan’s brotherly devotion.

In retrospect, someone really should have noticed that something wasn’t right.

So Jonathan didn’t know that Will was there, and Will couldn’t see Jonathan’s expression, but he had a great view of the menacing way Lonnie, clad only in low-slung sweatpants that he’d probably hastily thrown on, got in Jonathan’s face. Of the way he pushed him back—once, twice, right in the chest—and the way he changed his mind and grabbed him by the shirt to haul him in close. And it shocked Will even more than Jonathan’s demeanor, watching the easy, mean way Lonnie shoved Jonathan around. Kids did that to Will and his friends at school sometimes, and they were bigger than him, but that had felt different. And that was him, scrawny and unpopular. He stopped hearing sounds—not the ugly words, not the angry voices. All he was aware of were those big hands on his brother, and Jonathan looking small for the first time in Will’s ten-year-old memory.

And it was about him. When Lonnie swung Jonathan around to shove him back into the wall, it was about Will. When Jonathan pushed back, bony arms against Lonnie’s fully-grown strength, Will thought about how Jonathan was only in that position because he was looking out for him. Jonathan had stayed over there before, and presumably Lonnie hadn’t been shy about screwing his girlfriend then either, but it sure seemed like Jonathan had only kicked up a fuss over it for Will’s sake. The shift in position had revealed a sliver of Jonathan’s face, but he hadn’t noticed Will—all of his attention had been taken up by glaring at Lonnie and trying and failing to push him away. But Will has never been able to forget Jonathan’s face in that moment. He’d never seen it before, and he hasn’t seen it since: eyes narrowed, teeth bared, all fury and contempt and disgust in every inch of him.

It all went by quickly after that. Will wanted to help, but he didn’t know what to do, so he panicked and slipped back into his room to curl up into a ball in bed. He just hadn’t wanted to make things worse. The noises changed, then stopped, and then Lonnie’s girlfriend stormed off, saying, “I’m not in the mood anymore, Lonnie. Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that? What kind of chest-pounding machismo bullshit!” Lonnie followed her out, and Jonathan stepped into Will’s room and closed the door. There was a single chair in the room, which Jonathan had stared at for a moment before he’d shoved it up under the doorknob. Will has thought a lot about that moment since; he’s just about concluded that Jonathan was probably weighing the necessity and safety of blocking the door against potentially scaring Will with that decision. But Will had already realized by then that they weren’t really safe—Jonathan acknowledging the danger, instead of pretending that it wasn’t there, had actually helped.

Will knew that he was there to check on him. There wasn’t enough room for the two of them, so Jonathan was sleeping on the couch, not in there with him, even though Will would have felt safer if Jonathan were near.

“You okay?” he’d asked, all calm and tired and soft edges again. Familiar. If Will hadn’t gone out—if he hadn’t seen—he wouldn’t have known what had just happened. Wouldn’t have even glimpsed that rage that apparently simmered under Jonathan’s skin where Will could never see it—untapped, untempered.

He’d sat on the edge of the cot, careful so it wouldn’t tip over and drop them both. The same way he’d sat before, when he’d slipped into the room, leaving the light off, and just waited, listening. Will hadn’t thought about it then, but, in retrospect, he’d probably been checking whether Will could hear Lonnie and how loud it was from there. The truth was, Will had been listening for a while, totally bewildered by the noises Lonnie and his girlfriend were making, confused by the weird exclamations and instructions. It was annoying because it was keeping him awake, but it hadn’t bothered him as much as it bothered Jonathan—enough to quietly slip out the way he’d come and then go pound on Lonnie’s bedroom door, confronting Lonnie the way he’d never done when he and Will had blocked out the fighting with his music. Maybe it would have bothered Will more if he’d been a little older—if he’d understood.

Will had nodded. Instead of looking up at his brother, he’d stared at the wrinkles in Jonathan’s t-shirt where Lonnie had gripped it.

“I’m gonna call Mom first thing in the morning, okay? I’m gonna tell her to take you home.”

“You don’t want to go home, too?”

“I do,” he’d said. “But I may have to stay a little longer. I don’t know yet.”

“Okay.”

For the first time, he really didn’t want Jonathan to be alone with Lonnie. He’d thought about telling Mom. Maybe even tip-toeing to the phone before morning to call her himself.

“Sorry about all the noise.” He’d gently squeezed Will’s shoulder as he stood to leave. “Try to get some sleep.”

“Wait.”

And Jonathan had waited, patient, eyebrows raised in question, but Will couldn’t say it. Couldn’t say that he didn’t want to be alone—that he didn’t want Jonathan to be alone either, not when he’d finally realized that Jonathan was vulnerable and not invincible like he’d always figured. But the thing about his brother that he appreciated most was that he never made Will say things. He just understood.

“One sec,” he’d said. He’d temporarily moved the chair, ducked out of the room, and then returned lightning fast with a deck of playing cards in one hand. He’d carefully secured the chair back in place before he’d sat.

They’d played Go Fish until morning, when Will’s eyelids grew heavy and aching and faint bruises had begun to bloom on Jonathan’s wrist—like the photographs that Jonathan developed, the way the picture would become visible. Will was too tired by then to pretend he wasn’t staring at them; he couldn’t quite clock how they’d gotten there.

“Sleep now?” Jonathan had asked, rising one last time. “Mom should be up soon. I’ll call.”

Will doesn’t remember if he’d answered. He just remembers Jonathan pulling the blanket up over his shoulders before he’d left.

#ask game #writing tag

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aelaer · 10 months

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“Nobody asked about my writing” meme

Thanks for the tag, @tea-understands :) Thankfully I have a small handful of folks who ask me about such things but I do love these memes.

1: what are you currently working on?

The Big Boy Fic! The finale of Earth-197320, which I'm 99% certain I am calling Above the Shadows. And I'll have a fun update on Write Every Day June in a couple days.

2: summarize your current project

It's the fifth and final fic in a series that I started 4 years ago from an anonymous prompt sent to @amethyst-noir. I really clicked with it and she gave me her blessing to pursue it as a full-fledged fic, and here we are today.

Here's my first stab at a proper summary that I wrote for this questionnaire (tell me what you think y'all??):

2019 starts off in crisis-mode as rifts within the borders of reality begin spiraling out of control, drawing the resources of the Masters of the Mystic Arts thin. Tony now juggles the problems of a suddenly-absent Stephen, keeping his work with the sorcerers a secret, and Pepper's uncertain future. Stephen does what he can to maintain the stability of reality while keeping the promises he made. And somewhere out there, the other Stephen Strange is still hiding, putting his own plans into play.

3: summarize your current project poorly

An author split up what should have been a single work into five separate stories because she wanted to fulfill Bingo cards in 2019, leading to a series that the readers are probably going to need to reread because there's so much detail in Fic 5 that calls back to stuff that happened in Fics 1-4. Fics 1-3 match the length of Fic 4, and Fic 5 is well over the length of Fics 1-4 combined, making for even poorer fic splitting choices. Whoops.

4: describe your favorite character or characters

I mean. Do I really need to? If you're on my blog you know who my faves are.

I guess quick summary as they are in the series in particular:

Stephen Strange: Has an enormous guilt complex that he's been working through a lot. He got better with the help of new friends. His work has endeared them to him quite a bit.

Wong: Has taken a leadership role, but not the title of Sorcerer Supreme for reasons not yet established to the readers. Carries his own secrets. Excellent poker face, but not emotionless.

Tony Stark: Has been blatantly ignoring the Accords ever since he went against Ross's back to find Steve in Siberia and has been continuing that trend since. Seeing the feds turn their eyes on Peter changed his opinion quite strongly. The Steve Issue is still difficult.

Other Strange: He thinks the Avengers and Masters of the Mystic Arts have failed their duties and that he can protect all of reality by himself. He just needs more power.

5: post a line from your current project without any context

Closed my eyes and scrolled and went to a random page. This is what came up.

Oh, Jesus Christ. This explained so much about the man.

6: how do you get through writers block?

If it's not something health-related which just makes it physically very hard to work on items, I'll switch projects with my shorter fics. For a long fic like this, I'll put on a sprint and just power through 15 minutes at a time to get the harder bits out.

For health-related stuff (including mental), you sometimes just need to work on that first before you can be in the right space to write.

7: would you want to live in the world of your current work?

Hell no. Superhero worlds are terrible for normal people.

8: briefly discuss your outlining process, if you outline

I write an outline with the main beats of what I want in that chapter. Then when I get to the actual chapter, I'll sometimes expand the outline with more detail in that chapter section itself. I often go back to the main outline and add new things as I come up with them, or switch around elements in the story to a new chapter. This is how the planned outline has grown from around 12 normal chapters and 1 interlude chapter to 18 normal chapters and 2 interlude chapters (with potential for more growth seeing as I'm getting into some areas that have original outlining that I no longer am certain I want to use as they were ideas from over 2 years ago and the story's evolved a lot since then).

9: what is the aesthetic of your current project?

So much plot. Rewriting a lot of the end of phase 3 to push my Found Family agenda. Fix it vibes, but I think it's a natural fix it arc from the canon drama that could have happened in canon if the Russos gave a damn. A lot of character exploration into their own separate journeys and growth arcs. Pretty accurate on Marvel tones with action, drama, a bit of snark and humor. An itty bitty dash of canon romance but we all know I'm including it only because it needs to be there due to the plot and character arc reasons and not because I'm all googly-eyed for the genre.

10: what song sums up your current work the best?

Each chapter in the series takes a song lyric from a specific song and I identify that song with the story pretty heavily. For instance, Illuminating the Shadows took "The Light" from Disturbed.

For Above the Shadows, it's "Phoenix" by Fall Out Boy (who I'm seeing live in concert in a couple days, yay).

Tagging those who I know are writing/trying to write: @mckiwi, @sobeautifullyobsessed, @burglarhobbit, @amethyst-noir. No obligation either way. Also if I didn't tag you please feel free to take this (and you can poke me here if you'd like as a reminder that you're still actively writing fic regardless of the fandom and I'll try to remember for these sorts of things).

#my writing #tag game #tony stark #stephen strange #fanfic

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thegempage · 2 years

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"writing that rosemary au as just rosemary bcus who's gonna stop me." I am forcibly putting you through the ordeal of being known. motherfucker.

jfklasfjkld that's a good one!! i need to get back to that one sometime.

okay this got stupidly long bcus i just decided to spell out this story's entire backstory and subsequently the plotline, i'm putting this under a cut fjdsalkf

honestly the placeholder titles says a lot fjkladsf basically when i was younger i uh. really liked little mermaid aus lmao (the og of this one is one of at least three i wrote in a very narrow timespan). so for a creative writing class i turned in a little mermaid "retelling" of sorts where the witch, who is quite new at being a sea witch, gets approached by one of the mermaid princesses (obv. this is a little mermaid au) about turning human after the princess has a prophetic dream and the witch feels bad about just thrusting this princess who is clearly in over her head into a world she knows little about (esp bcus, as i am reminded of rereading the original version of this, it's kind of implied that the merpeople who try to become human usually just like, die). also, magic is fucking expensive

so they work out a system to basically give the princess like... baby steps? like she first gets the ability to withstand the sunlight, and then she gives up the webs between her fingers, and then the ability to withstand cold, etc etc. and this takes place over a few month so of course they fall in love. the princess gets legs for three days, comes back and waits a while, decides she wants to be a human full time, and the witch is like "that requires true love and that's not really easy to find, you barely know any humans and you can't guarantee that they even know how to magic like that" and of course, bcus this is a little mermaid story, the princess is like "no no it's fine, this girl loves me, give me three days"

spoiler alert: the human does not know how to do that, and also has acquired a new partner in the meantime bcus the mermaid princess disappears for weeks on end and like, they're friends, but -- and so on. but the witch had a plan bcus she can see the future (you have probably guessed who was who by now but if not there's the answer) and she knew that the human plan wasn't going to work out. so she basically turns herself and the princess human permanently, turns over the rest of her sea witch power to her brother, and wow it turns out the dream was about them the whole time! so they dance on the sand and kiss about it

anyway i turned that in for an assignment but it was a rosemary fanfic in disguise and i was like. hey you know what. i'm probably a better writer now than i was in 2015 and i can just write homestuck fanfiction. so i decided to rewrite it as a more in-depth au and now it's about kanaya being one of a handful of mermaid royal heirs (rereading it, also being an heir appears to be a job, bcus she mentions her family sending her letters and that not all of the heirs have families who can send them letters). also the mermaid kingdom is prospit, this is important for later

so now kanaya is like, haunted by the sensation that something is missing from her life and spends a lot of time staring into the abyss that surrounds the castle they live in that is rumored to be haunted by the ghosts of a lost neighboring kingdom bcus she's not that close to being in line for a proper throne seat and one can only get by on cool job descriptions and fashion designing for so long. i know i infodumped to someone about the lore about mertrolls and my future ideas for it but i can't find it, anyway magic happens, kanaya finds rose (and dave, they're both one "half" of a sea witch. there is a secret second document for this one called "the davekat side of that rosemary au"), same kind of idea of "being a human is actually super overwhelming, do you want a trial run first???" over the course of a few months, they grow closer, humans don't know how to do magic and so rose comes in and is like "hey i don't want you to die actually." i think i was planning on there being a little more conversation about that back up plan. if i can find the time i just rambled to someone about the plot line and the politics of the merkingdom i will come back to add that on bcus i remember there being some weird political background stuff bcus mertrolls and merpeople had a trade-off system of heirs and i can feel the place it was in my brain but not the details

anyway thanks for reading and reminding me that i have this au to work on when my brain is less focused on riftdale but not ready for beyond the divide 💙

#punkbirdwitch #ciaran attempts socializing #homestuck #thank you for the ask i Love To Talk

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midnight-in-town · 3 years

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About the current (last?) arc of AnY and going full circle

Sorry if some fans already mentioned those ideas but I’ve been rereading the current arc, because it’s been quite long and the pace has its flaws sometimes, so I wanted to broaden my perspective on the story.

First of all, as an introduction can I just say that I’m, as always, impressed by Hak’s character. He had so much cliché and shallow potential when the story started (I really used to roll my eyes at him), but he became one of my absolute favorite by how deep and strong-hearted he actually is, once he allows people behind the walls he built around him. Anyway, my love for his character & development knows no boundary. I had to say this, ok. I’ll explain why later in the post. Moving on.

A conflict of generation

If there is one thing I love about Kusanagi-sensei, it’s the feminine touch she adds to her writing. For example, when she naturally addressed periods during the Xing arc and it fit perfectly, because that’s just how her writing goes. In this arc, it shows through the initial bold move to tell us readers about the past through the thoughts and words of a character we’ve never met, that is to say, Yonhi, Yuhon’s wife and Suwon’s mother.

And yet, it made absolute sense, because Yonhi was the reason behind the cataclysm that eventually led to Yuhon killing priests, as well as the falling-out between him and his younger brother, Il. All along, Yonhi was the silent but pained witness to this feud, watching as the ego of two brothers destroyed everything when none of the two backed down, leading to first Kashi’s death, then Yuhon’s murder and finally Suwon’s coup.

So, in a way, even if I think Suwon makes a far better king than Yuhon or Il, his circumstances kinda precede the logical decision to get Il out of the picture before he completely annihilated his own kingdom in poverty and war, because there is too much resentment and hatred that fueled Suwon while growing up, even if we readers know that his motivations are primarily about saving Kouka from war against the Kai Empire.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely despise both Yuhon and Il but, unfortunately for Suwon, Yona growing up sheltered and mostly unaware of the horrible truth highlights her own decisions throughout the series to be completely selfless and wanting to own up to her father’s misjudgement, rather than trying to get back at Suwon, effectively breaking the cycle of hatred amongst the royal family.

Why the Wind Tribe kept on supporting Il when everyone else could notice that he was betting on his daughter as the reincarnation of King Hiryuu to save his country is beyond me (Mundok plz explain). Not that Yuhon was better, preaching wars, and I’m glad that Il eventually reconciled with Yonhi, telling him that he would accept Suwon’s judgement but...

...I can’t forgive him for his words.

Like Yonhi, I’d rather he would have hoped that his conflict with his brother did not reach his children than entertaining it the way he did.

Hopefully though, now that Yona read Yonhi’s memoirs, she will work towards achieving that goal. Not that I have any doubt, since she never really managed to hate Suwon.

Speaking of the past generation, reading the latest chapters I couldn’t help but wonder about Yona's sad dream... could it be that she inherited Kashi’s gift? Kashi did say that she had these prophetic visions since very young which doesn’t seem to be Yona’s case, but I’ll keep the idea in mind, because it’s interesting. I mean, from Yonhi’s memoirs, it seems that Kashi envisioned that the child she would have would be Hiryuu’s reincarnation (whoever the father was going to be), so Yona inheriting the same prophetic gift from her mother would make sense.

What an ironic parallel to Suwon inheriting the Crimson Illness from Yonhi if that’s the case, am I right?

Yona as Kouka’s next Queen

And by that I do not mean Keishuk’s plan to marry her to Suwon, because of her popularity with Kouka’s people. Obviously, the story always was to conclude in Yona getting her throne back and that’s even easier to imagine with Suwon’s disabling illness, but becoming a ruler is tough work and Yona had no real experience acting as a leader for an entire country.

She didn’t know much before her father’s murder and, even after she became a runaway with Hak and the rest of the HHB, she finely dealt with crises affecting some parts of the kingdom but never the whole kingdom at once, like it’s doomed to happen with the war against the Kai Empire.

So I really appreciated her stepping up when Suwon couldn’t, because that’s definitely good training and we see the results in the latest chapters:

To be fair, I always thought that Keishuk would be the biggest thorn in Yona’s side during this arc but, as many characters have said in this arc, he’s rather clever and honest about what he intends to achieve, which is why it’s not in his interests to get in the way of Yona if they share a similar goal.

Looking forward to her facing even greater challenges. Good luck, Yona. <3

War against the Kai Empire: there is strength in unity

The Kai Empire has been depicted as the story’s big bad for a long while now and the common goal for which Yona’s faction and Suwon’s allies could unite, but I’m glad to get more specifics and new characters to explore that part of the plot.

Namely, Mei and Vall. With Chagol, they seem like the perfect foil trio to Suwon, Yona and Hak, except that Chagol seems like a real thorn in the other two’s backs, when a strong bond still ties our main trio in spite of the sad circumstances of the beginning. I particularly love the mirroring reflection between Mei and Yona...

...except that Mei is not at odds with one kingdom but with two and that she also deals with the Crimson Illness. :/

Now that war has started, the big threat that South Kai represents will obviously be dealt with, but Kouka kingdom will need more than its five tribes to win this. That’s where I’m sure we all expect to see old “enemies” come back, namely Xing Kingdom, since Kouren signed a military agreement with Suwon, thanks to Yona and Tao. I would bet that this won’t be enough either, but Xing are the only known allies that Kouka kingdom has.

There is another “enemy” we know from the previous arc though, who have strong feelings against the Kai Empire, specifically about rulers treating their women badly and they are...

...Ying Kuelbo and the Tully tribe.

The big difference between Xing Kingdom and the Tully tribe is that Suwon never met or dealt directly with Kuelbo the way he did with Kouren and Tao. The Tully tribe lost and Kuelbo ran away, betrayed and having to find a new way to take on the Kai Empire. That’s why I think the Tully tribe would eventually make for a good ally in this war: it showed good promises when Yuran and Yona got along and I think Yona understood where Kuelbo was coming from, especially now that Mei is with them and can probably tell them in details about Chagol.

Not saying this will happen soon, but since there is someone who met and fought against Kuelbo, probably gaining his respect, if this person was to seek the Tully tribe to make them Kouka Kingdom’s ally on Yona’s guidance, I think Kuelbo would give it a thought. That’s right, I’m talking about Hak, who’s currently on his way with Yoon to the Earth Tribe to fetch a drug that will not be able to save neither Suwon nor Mei, thanks Zeno for spoiling us.

That’s what I meant when I said that Hak slowly became one of my favorite characters throughout the story. While the Sky Tribe seems to be taking bets on who between Yona and Suwon will eventually sit for good on that throne, there is a good chance that Hak will be one of the key players when it comes to winning that war against South Kai. Not that we should expect any less from the Thunder Beast. <3

To be very honest though, I expected this arc to be very tough for his character, because the truth behind Il’s death and Suwon’s coup would never be easily understandable to him (Yona’s own words, not mine):

Yet, surprisingly he was able to at least listen and, no matter if he will ever understand Suwon’s choice or not, he decided to trust in Yona’s decision to back Suwon in the rising political issues.

In general, I love how Hak is the least bound by the past before Suwon’s coup. He did respect Il as his king, but he did not protect Yona in the beginning for anyone else’s sake but her own. Just like Kashi once asked him to always protect Yona (which is sweet since she could see the future) but, considering he never even thought about her words once in the story, it’s likely he doesn’t remember that at all, making the choice to be by Yona’s side defined as solely his own.

It’s this strength of his that eventually led him to say recently that he would go fetch that drug with Yoon, knowing that it was for Suwon’s sake (surprising Suwon himself), just like he will definitely fight for Kouka Kingdom, not because Yona wants him to but because it’s clearly his own desire (see ch211 where he let Yun go alone so that he could help the Earth Tribe fight):

All that makes Hak the wildest card of every agency in the plot, not simply because he’s strong and reliable and the biggest worry of the Sky Tribe, but because...

...Yona and the four dragons will never give him up.

Through Hak, Yona will be able to assert her political weight and he will be there for her, like he always was, making it impossible for their little group to lose. What a power move, I love it.

I think I should stop there because I already rambled so much. Looking forward to the rest of the arc, it’s going to be a wild ride!!

#akatsuki no yona #hak #yona #suwon #yuhon #king il #yonhi #kashi #any theory #as of:#any211 #my analysis

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lilyharvord · 3 years

Text

The Chain (Part 11)

Hello Darlings, it’s been a long time coming, but here is the next part of The Chain. (: Please know that there is a little bit of forcing in this chapter to make things work, but its called a plot hole, not a plot no (((: Also, she is nice and long for you guys since it has been sometime since she got some TLC.

I’ve got two words for you all: Time Travel.

Main concept: Two love struck idiots get sent back to a pretty UGH time period in their lives (that required me to reread all the books again) and have to hide the fact that they know everything. Stupidity ensues.

Enjoy

Find the rest of the fic here: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10

tag list: @delilahlbard, @king-maven-calore, @thatoddgirl777, @elliekratzzz, @evangelineartemiasamos, @evangeline-of-montfort, @scxrletguardsdawn, @freaky-freiday, @petergrantkavinsky, @kuwei, @whatsup-gorls, @katiemoore, @redqueenetwork, @tranquil-dusk (I’m trying to add you but for some reason it wont @... the same problem happens with @thatoddgirl777 and I have no idea how to fix it)

(/Mare/)

The barge glides through the murky water of the river and beyond the polished silver railing I rest my hand on, the shore of the Stilts rolls by like a faded oil painting. Ahead of me, hanging over the water, is an old tree Bree once dared me to crawl out on. The branches skim the water like skeletal fingers. I curl my own fingers around the railing in response to the memory of Bree’s laugh. I hope I get to hear it again, echoing in my parent’s town home.

The footsteps behind me are too light to be Cal. Even with all the work he has done to learn subterfuge, he is still a large human being. He’ll never be very good at sneaking up on anyone. I force an inhale when warm air washes over my side though.

Maven rests his forearms on the railing to watch the Stilts with me, his jaw tight and his eyes dark. I didn’t see him earlier today before we cast off, and I made sure he had no reason to speak with me now. I left nothing in those cells when I rescued Farley, not even a dusting of blood for Elara to use against me. Whatever he has come to discuss, it will define every point from now until the end.

“Have you heard of the chess move known as the King’s Snare?” His voice is softer than I thought it would be, given how hard the planes of his face are.

I glance at him warily, chewing on a response. I don’t want to talk to him about chess. I know he’s a master of it, that in all the years they played, Cal never beat him. Cal, the future general and war strategist who could throw together a plan in minutes with nothing but a handful of Reds, Ardents, and Silvers, never beat the boy before me. I don’t know why I think I have a hope of beat him or Elara.

“No. I don’t play chess.” I murmur letting the wind shift the loose hairs hanging by my cheeks. It plays in his curls too, tussling them like a loving hand.

The corner of his lips quirk up in a ghost of a smile before he turns to face me. He doesn’t flinch from my gaze, but that smile does fall. Pressing off the railing to stand at his full height, he tilts his head to the side as if in thought. “It’s a complex maneuver, and requires turns upon turns of preparation. It is the only strategy you can play once you initiate it. In each step, you make it appear as if you are losing. You let your opponent think they have won, and in the final step of preparation, you let your queen be taken and your king be cornered in a check mate.”

He shrugs before looking back onto the bank. His eyes sweep along the shacks on their tottering stilts. “Then, you take the opposing king with the only piece you have left. A pawn.”

I raise a brow at it before saying, “sounds complicated. I don’t have the patience for playing the long game, and I especially don’t like playing with people’s lives like they are pieces in my game.”

A fire lights in his eyes as he drags them over me, his expression hardening again. “I’m not so sure that’s the truth.”

His words are a warning in and of themselves. Squaring my shoulders to him and stabbing my nails into my palms, I purse my lips in a line to swallow my retort. We stand in a stalemate for a moment before he reaches a finger out to let a strand of my hair curl around it. His expression crumbles for just a moment before that mask slides up and hides the wounded boy underneath.

“Let’s not play this game Mare.” He bows his head and his lips almost ghost over my brow. I turn my head to the side to avoid the touch.

“I just told you I’m not playing games.”

His chuckle is humorless. With a quick step he closes the space between us completely and I have to crane my neck to meet his eye.

“You’re still useful to me and mother, but Cal has overstayed his welcome by a few years. His whole life actually, if I’m being perfectly honest.”

No more dancing around it then, we are going full in with the truth. I twist my lips to the side, letting my sneer finally grace my features. “If you think for one second I’m going to let you two get away with what you did a second time, you’re wrong.”

“Even if it means you lose everything you have coming?” He asks me that as if he actually cares. It makes me reel back while he smiles like a wolf. “We know Mare, and while it’s adorable watching you attempt to play against us, you played your final card last night.”

My lightning dances on my fingertips. What I wouldn’t give for Tyton’s brain lightning, so that I could turn Maven’s insides into jelly and leave him on this deck before going after Elara. I should have ended all of this weeks ago. I could have, I know that for a fact.

“I haven’t played any of my cards yet.” I warm Maven with a raised chin. I let the mask of Mareena disappear and I let him see Mare Barrow, the girl who bested two kings, the woman who has seen more than enough front lines, and who was born in a storm on top of a mountain. She has been broken and put back together so many times that she knows every piece of herself better than she ever did before. She thrives in storms and turns them to her will like this boy turns words to his.

“You haven’t seen anything Maven. Don’t for one second think you have cornered me.” My lips curl into a small smile as I look him over with a critical eye. “Besides, while you’re playing chess, I am playing another game entirely.”

A muscle in his jaw flutters when I speak, and his eyes darken further.

Pressing to my toes, I let my next words caress his lips like a kiss. “And if you two do know everything, I’m surprised you haven’t removed any and all letter openers from my reach while we’ve been together.”

His face pales in a flush, and the air around us climbs in temperature so quickly beads of sweat begin to prickle on my brow. Ignoring the monster I’ve obviously poked awake, I set my hand on his chest right above his pounding heart and drop my eyes to his lips before looking back up to meet those icy blue eyes.

“And as for your mother, I think I killed her too quickly the first time.”

His tongue darts across his teeth for a second before disappearing as his lips pull back in a sneer. There is a flash of something akin to uncertainty in his eyes though. A thrill rushes through me. She didn’t tell him that part, and she might have even kept his own death from him. Interesting.

Sliding back away from him and dropping my hand, I take in his flittering emotions he desperately tries to keep under control. I can’t image what is passing through his mind. If Elara didn’t tell him about their deaths, what else has she kept from him? It might be worth it to poke a little more and find out.

Even as the thought of prying him open and exposing his hollow insides thrills me, I can’t help thinking of how he spent hours near my bedside after Samson had turned me inside out and left me a bleeding corpse. Nor can I ignore that once upon a time, a part of him had loved me.

“Oh Maven,” I breathe, my chest aching once more as I look him over. “You could have been something wonderful if you had been anyone else’s.”

His inhale is sharp, and the heat around us vanishes as he sucks it in to fuel the furnace of his emotions. The next words that leave me are as much a truth as they are a weapon that I use against him.

“I might have loved you too, you know. I might have been happy with you.”

His entire body goes taut like a rubber band pulled too tight. I can’t imagine what those words have done to him, I know what they do to me. They relive the ache and chase away the cold bite from the autumn breeze that cuts through my loose shirt. I have known for years that he would never truly leave me, that I will always love him in a strange way. But seeing all of this, and discovering that even when I might have had a chance to save him, there was no chance so long as Elara loved him too.

“The game is beginning. Line up your pieces if you want to play chess.” I murmur to him before stepping around him and heading for the viewing deck. I pause long enough to glance at him over my shoulder though and say, “but just know, it’s hard to beat an opponent that knows every move you will make.”

(/Cal/)

Mare finds me between meetings. Her dark hair is swept up in an elaborate hairstyle she picks at nervously, drawing strands out to frame her face. Glancing over my shoulder at the remainder of the council as they pass, I pause before her long enough to say colorlessly, “Is something wrong Lady Titanos?”

The few sets of eyes that watch us look away with shrugs. Their ears are probably still tuned in, but as far as they are concerned, she is probably looking for Maven and happened to find me first.

“Farley made contact. The Hexaprin Theater just like before.”

She’s been gone most of the day with Maven, making appearances and smiling like the dutiful princess she is. I’m not sure how Farley could have possibly made contact with her during all of that, but it’s a relief she didn’t contact Maven first. Meanwhile, I’ve been locked up in Whitefire. My father has hardly let me out of his sight, which I suppose should be understandable. The attempt on my life shook him to his core. Even though I push back, insisting they wouldn’t try again, he refuses to let me leave the castle walls. I don’t know how I will get out to join Mare in this endeavor like she wants with the Sentinels that trail me almost everywhere I go. I guess it now truly understand how Mare felt during her time with us. I don’t blame her for constantly being irritable now.

Still, my brow rises as the name of the theater. I know it well. When I was younger Julian used to take me to plays and tried to pique my interest in the art form. I had squirmed in my seat the whole time, eager to get out of the dark space and run outside. He gave up once I turned ten, realizing I didn’t have much love for the arts. I knew it saddened him, that he had hoped I shared the same soft spot for them that my mother did.

My chest tightens at the thought of my uncle. I got him out of Archeon earlier than before, helping him and Sara smuggle away in the dead of night after he got Farley and Kilorn out of the cells. I sent him to Montfort with instructions to speak with Dane Davidson as soon as possible. To try and get him in contact with Guard. There’s no telling if they made it. I can only hope they managed to cross the border.

“It’ll be tough for me to get out.”

“This will only work if you come with me.” Mare insists, her eyes darting past my elbow to the doors of the council chamber. I know who she’s looking for, but she won’t find him.

“He’s seeing to something with his mother.” I instruct, even as I glance around just to be certain. Only a servant passes in a flutter of skirts. She curtsies to me and Mare before hurrying along, obviously loath to be around us any longer than necessary.

“The bloodbase.” Mare’s voice drops to a worried waver as she sets her hand on her pocket. I know she has the book hidden in the pocket of her jacket, the one Julian gifted her with the name of every Ardent he found within Norta’s borders. She sleeps with it under her pillow, her fingers curled around the faded cover as if Maven will creep into her room at night and steal it away.

Shaking my head, I grab her elbow and pull her into an alcove when I hear the sound of more steps approaching. I squeeze into the space between the pillars with her until our bodies almost have to become one to fit. Her hands rest on my chest as she evens out her breathing, recognizing a hiding place when she sees it.

A group of nobles pass us, Osanos and Iral judging by the colors of their clothes. I purse my lips and wait until they leave the hall to look back down at her and whisper. “I took care of it. I printed out all their names and wiped them from the database. They’re safe.”

“Unless Maven is already going after them.” Mare mutters bitterly.

“He hasn’t. I checked last known whereabouts too. Everyone is accounted for.”

“People lie on those stupid records Cal.”

“Not when you’re the first person in years to click on the page.” I let my lips curl into a knowing smile. She can think I’m stupid and hardheaded all she wants, but I do know my way around my own world. “There is a clicker at the bottom of each record to indicate the last time it was opened. I am the first one to look at them in years. You can’t lie to that program.”

She expels a breath, before look up at me through her lashes. “You’re too stubborn for your own good. We’re meddling too much now.”

“At this point, does it really matter?” I ask, repeating words I spoke to Julian in the dead of night when he questioned my decision to send him to Ascendent.

Her lips draw into a tight line that pales her already painted lips. “No.” She agrees before sliding out of the alcove so I can follow her.

When we step into the light, I watch the shifting sunbeams as they cut across her face. She crosses her arms before looking down the hallway and saying, “We need to get into the afternoon showing. Can you do that?”

I grimace thinking about my father and the hawk like eyes he has kept on me recently. “It’ll be difficult, but nothing I can’t handle.”

“Do you want to rehearse with me?” She teases, eyes lighting with laughter when she notices how I chew on my lower lip.

“I think I’ll tell my father that I’ve decided Evangeline can take a long walk off a short pier and that I much prefer you and I plan to make heirs with you as soon as we enter than theater box.”

Her eye widen and a blush paints her cheeks. It’s so ferocious the makeup almost can’t hide it. It makes me chuckle before reaching a hand out to cup her jaw and stroke a thumb along that warm puddle of red staining her skin. “Kidding love. Although I think that he’ll be so surprised and horrified that he lets me go just to see if I’m serious.”

“Mess up my nice skirts Tiberias and I will take your hands for it.” She snorts before pulling away and throwing a smirk over her shoulder. “Get us tickets to the show and be there with me. Also, it might be a good idea to assign Walsh to a... different part of Whitefire.”

I grimace, remembering the last time I saw her foaming at the mouth while I tried to close her throat to keep the poison from spreading. I sent her for Mare, trusted her with the secret that I met a Red girl in the Stilts and cared. Regardless of what Mare might have thought of me before when that moment passed, I did care. A part of me had been horrified to watch the light leave Walsh’s eyes.

“I’ll make sure of it.” I whisper.

(/Mare/)

The theater darkens, and I sink back into my chair, keeping an eye on the Sentinels standing in the doorway. They are here to protect Cal. Allowances had to be made so that he could leave Whitefire, but its an allowance that may cost us our meeting with Farley. There are more of them than before, but they’re simply a hinderance, one that will have to be dealt with at some point very soon.

Honestly, Maven and Elara trying to kill him has simply become an annoyance now. If they hadn’t, it would be so much easier to sneak around with Cal.

“They have to go.” I murmur, letting my eyes flint to them as I edge a little closer to the railing of the box and glance over it into the crowd below.

With a quick nod, Cal leans back in his seat. Before Maven gave the secretary that came with us a mischievous smile and quick order to get rid of our tail. Cal can do no such thing without raising suspicion. It’s already gotten out that I am the one that shouted his name and stopped the bleeding during the Sun Shooting long enough for Sara Skonos to get to him and save him. But Cal spread a faster rumor behind it, his words burning like wildfire through the High Houses, erasing the rumor I know Elara started about us. My shout hadn’t been in fear according to his account, it had sounded like nerves. Maybe I’d lost Maven in the crowd and gotten overwhelmed by the proceedings, and when I had seen Cal I called to him for help. Because of that, I had been close enough to stop the bleeding when the gun went off.

I had been shocked at the lie he told with an abandon to his father and the court, and how well he crafted it on a moment’s notice. Perhaps he needed to stop spending so much time around Dane. I had noticed that crafty man spending a suspicious amount of time trying to craft Cal into a better Statesman in the recent years.

“Sentinel Osanos, if you could take the others into the antechamber.” He nods over his shoulder to the small sitting room attached to the box. “I doubt you and the others have any interest in this show and your presence is unfortunately ruining Lady Mareena’s first impressions of it too.”

“I have my orders, sir.” The Sentinel warns, his eyes darting between the two of us.

“I can handle anything that comes.” Cal lets his lips quirk into an arrogant smile. I haven’t seen it in a long time, but it’s one of the few soldiers masks in his arsenal. It still makes my stomach flutter. “Besides, Lady Mareena has proven herself quite capable of saving my life if need be.”

Osanos debates it for a very long second as the murmurs below us quiet and the curtain rustles with the start of the performance. During that second, my heart pounds. I don’t dare look up at the grating above out heads where I know Will Whistle will appear.

“Of course, Your Highness.” The Sentinel bows his head and then nods to bring the others with him into the room. The door clicks shut, and the lock engages. I grab Cal’s hand and squeeze it in silent praise, before glancing at him side on.

“Impressive.”

His smile falls as he looks away from the door and forward again. “We’ll have to be silent. We’re lucky my father didn’t send an Eagrie with us.”

Unfolding from his position in the chair to relax further, he turns his hand over to lace his fingers with mine. The touch sends waves of reassurance through me. Now we just have to keep him hidden long enough that Will doesn’t recognize him and gets us to Farley. After that, I’m not quite sure what we will do.

“Farley won’t let you on the Undertrain without a fight.” I murmur, glancing at our joined hands. He sweeps his thumb along my skin in a soothing motion even as his eyes stay forward on the stage as it comes to life.

Gentle touches in the dark, so very like how our relationship started. It almost makes me snicker. I suppose things never really did change between us.

He doesn’t reply to my comment, but I know he’s thinking about it all the same. His palm heats with his frustration, but he doesn’t show it on his face.

I let my eyes wander to the stage where I finally get a look at the play I never watched before. Brightly colored costumes dance across the stage and I tilt my head to look at them, trying to understand the story. “We never went to any of the plays in Ascendent.” I murmur to him.

There were plenty of playhouses, and I know for a fact Julian got us tickets to one he loved. We never got the chance to go, but now I wish we had.

“I’ve never been a fan of theater.” He chuckles and finally turns to look at me. He traded his finer regalia for a more toned down jacket and black shirt today. With the aid of the darkness, I can almost imagine we are in Ascendent, that it’s just another weekend and we decided to do something we’ve never done.

“Then when you annoy me, I am going to drag you to shows when we get back and tie you to a chair so you can’t leave.” I say with a smirk.

The ceiling panel above our heads slides away, and his eyes dart up at the same time as mine. We’re both accustomed to how the Guard functions. The sudden disappearance of the tile doesn’t surprise him like it did Maven.

“Show time.” I whisper to him before dropping his hand and stepping on the seat of my chair. Grasping the edge of the hole I haul myself up into the darkness. When I glance down to help him though, he is already half-way into the crawl space with me. The panel slides into place as soon as Cal vanishes in the shadows. I wait half a second for Will to sound an alarm to notice that I don’t have the right prince with me.

He does no such thing, simply speaks into the darkness the same words he did before. “Be quick and quiet. I’ll take you from here.”

I reach for Cal’s wrist in the dark and grip it tightly with a reassuring squeeze. Will turns and begins to climb through the space, not waiting for us to follow.

“Watch your head,” I instruct as I skirt the edge of the ceiling panel. “It gets low in a few places.”

Cal grunts in understanding but follows at a pace that surprises me. It was a tight squeeze for Maven, so I don’t really know how Cal manages but he does. I’m sure he has Farley’s work with him to thank for that. He crawled through enough sewer tunnels and drains with us while we were at the Notch after all. I’m sure while I was locked away with Maven he was doing the same thing too.

The sounds of the play overhead mask our movements as we drop down ladders and steps and through little trapdoors. Cal only smacks his head once, and I flip around to grab his head to check for blood when he curses soundly in the dark. I grimace when I feel the nasty knot already taking shape on his forehead near his hairline. That will have to be explained away when we get back, but we really truly don’t have time to assess it too much. Will sets grueling pace, and Cal practically shoves me forward when the Whistle almost disappears around a turn.

It takes only minutes for us to drop into the access tunnels that connect to the Undertrain platform. The damp chill of the space presses through my thin jacket and pants, reminding me of the march we did into Archeon to save Cal and everyone from the Lakelander invasion. Cal drops lightly down behind me though, and instantly the space warms and the memory fades. It’s still too dark to see his features clearly which is only to our advantage. I can’t have Will trying to stop us now.

That cover does not last long though. The platform is haunted by a lone torch, and when Will turns around with a sharp smile, ready to bask in our surprise, his eyes widen as he takes in Cal behind me. I set my hand on Cal’s chest in response, trying to push him back into the shadows while I light my hand with lightning.

Will never gets a chance to act though, the furious screech of the Undertrain as it rushes into the station shakes the walls and announces Farley’s arrival. As it coasts to a stop in front of us, Will spins to the doors and waves his arms while trying to shout over the screeching of the brakes to give a signal to not stop. The train grinds to a halt though, and the doors still open to spill more light onto the platform.

Farley unfolds from the chair like a spring let loose. Her hand flies to the gun at her hip, and I spin to face her with my lightning at the same time. Even with my ears ringing from the sound of the brakes engaging, I can hear the click of her turning the safety off as she draws the gun.

“Farley—” I try to shout, but Cal beats me to speaking, his voice a dangerous warning echoing in the tunnel as he glares Farley down.

“Diana, stop.”

He would have gotten the same reaction if he burned her alive. Farley’s eyes widen at the usage of her birthname, and her fingers wavers on the trigger long enough for me to speak.

“He’s with us.” I urge as I drop my hand, but I don’t dismiss the lightning bouncing between my fingers like webbing. It’s my own warning to her. She knows what I can do, and like her, I don’t miss anymore.

Her laugh is unexpected, and I almost jump at the sharp bite of it. She keeps the gun raised, but her fingers slides from the trigger to rest alongside the barrel. It’s the only sign she is still listening to us. “The little prince was right. He’s whispered his way into your head.”

“The only ones whispering into anyone’s heads is Maven and Elara .” Cal speaks quietly, his eyes scanning the track and the platform for any more Scarlet Guard operatives. There are none to be seen though.

Farley tilts her head to the side, her eyes narrowing to diamond colored slits. Her jaw tightens, but she doesn’t pull the trigger or even move her finger in the direction of it.

I expel a slow sigh of relief and take a step forward. I can feel the burn of electricity in the train, screaming like an upset toddler to be released. Gritting my teeth against the heachache forming because of it, I murmur, “you trusted me to get you out of that cell, trust me in this Farley. Hear us out.”

Her eyes moves past my shoulder to Cal who staggers his stance to move in either direction if he has to avoid her bullet. Her jaw ticks, and the electricity reaches an all time high pitch that stands my hairs on end. I haven’t felt anything like it weeks, not since the shield during Queenstrial exploded around me and tried to contain me.

“Make your decision, the Undertrain won’t wait.” I grimace as I reach up to press my fingers to my temple where the ache is strongest. If she notices my use of the train’s name, she doesn’t say anything.

Cal takes a step forward, stealing ground, only for Farley train that gun on him again and rest her finger on the trigger.

“Not another step, Your Highness.” She squeezes gently, putting enough pressure on that trigger that even the slightest movment on her part will fire the gun. I side step to put myself in front of Cal should she overestimate her abilities, but Cal simply pushes me to the side again.

With quick movements he unclasps the bracelets around his wrists and holds them up to the light for Farley to see. “Incentive,” he murmurs before tossing them in her direction. She lowers the gun to catch them one handed, almost dropping them due to their weight. I inch forward, my hand extended for them in surprise. I trust Cal to make a tactical decision, but he just threw his own tactical advantage five feet away from him.

The metal bands glint dully in the odd florescent lights of the Undertrain, but Farley glances down at them, unimpressed. With a quirked brow she raises the gun again, although its much more hesitant this time.

“I’m nothing without them.” Cal instructs while he sweeps his arms out from his sides as if to accentuate his point. “Keep them until we finish talking if it pleases you. But we do have to talk.”

“I know.” Farley reasons, her eyes narrowing before darting between the two of us. Even if I didn’t know her as well as I do, I could see the distrust and unease in her eyes. I can’t imagine what Maven has told her, but I know that he hasn’t spoken to her since before the Sun Shooting. It is our only advantage right now, that and the fact that Julian and I were the ones to get her and Kilorn out of the cells below the palace. It doesn’t hurt either that by the time we got down to the cells, the king was more concerned with his son almost dying than the rebels trapped in the cell before him. There had been no time for the interrogation that I know almost cost Farley her arm. She got off easy, too easy, because of us.

Whatever battle she is fighting with herself ends, and she steps to the side to let us pass.

(////)

Narcery is more disheveled than I remember. Perhaps it’s because I’ve already seen most of it repaired and turned into a decent city again years from now. Or maybe it’s because I’ve truly forgotten how downtrodden the world was before we began to right it. Either way, it’s hard not to grimace as we slink through the streets toward the café Farley stomps toward.

The Reds in the doorwards gasp and whisper as Cal passes, and I reach down to grip his hand. None of them are New Blood that I know of, but if someone gets it in their head to finish was Farley started, they won’t make it more than two steps.

He gives me a reassuring squeeze as we pass through the crumbling doorway of the café and into the dimly lit space. In his little booth, Kilorn practically almost leaps to his feet, his eyes wide while his hand flies to the gun on his belt.

“Stand down.” Farley orders smoothly, earning a frown from my friend. He doesn’t immediately listen, but his fingers eventually relax and drop back to his side. I release the tension in my shoulders in response. The air in the room shifts with the change in heat and static that Cal and I bring, but the ice in Kilorn’s gaze might as well be tangible too.

“And why haven’t we shot him?” He asks Farley as she drops into the booth.

With a wave of her hand, she dismisses him and glares in our direction. Cal’s bracelets clink against the dusty table as she sets them out in the open. With a tilt of her head, her expression relaxes and the nasty scar cutting through her lip softens. It never ceases to amaze me how young she really was when this all started. We were all still just children, playing games we never should have.

“They want to speak,” she says, her eyes dropping to our entwined hands. “And I have to admit I am curious what excuse Mare will give to explain blowing our entire operation to pieces.”

“We hardly blew it to pieces, you were almost completely successful.” Cal huffs behind me, and I dig my elbow into his side in response. No use pissing off Farley, or enticing her to pull that gun out again. We both know she will too.

Glaring at Cal for his comment, I address the other two sitting in the booth. “Maven gave you Cal’s name, but he was not the original target.”

“No,” Farley agrees, “he wasn’t.”

“It was Ptolemus Samos.” I turn my eyes back to her, and am rewards with a quirked brow, the only sign she is surprised by my knowledge. Kilorn is not as good at hiding his emotions. His brows dart up towards his hair line as he shakes his head in disbelief.

“You missed that meeting, the one where he gave us the original names! He told us that he never told you them... you can’t possibly have known—”

“I know because I’ve already been through that shooting before. You don’t get Ptolemus that time either.” I step forward and leave Cal behind me, safely in the line of my body. If Farley wants to shoot him at any point in time, she’ll have to shoot me first. “The Sun Shooting was a disaster that time, and it was a disaster this time.”

Kilorn blinks at me, confusion sweeping over his face now. Farley is simply more skeptical, and rightfully so. I didn’t exactly explain anything, just created more questions and puzzling conclusions for her.

“What are you getting at Barrow?” She murmurs as her eyes dart to the broken window behind me. I don’t dare look at who might be there. If its Shade, I will never be able to leave these ruins.

“You have to promise to listen to us, to let us explain as quickly as possible.” Cal speaks for me and the heat that rolls off of him washes over me as he steps closer, soothing tense muscles I bunch in preparation to run. His hand presses into my lower back only a second later. “We don’t have much time.”

Farley’s eyes narrow even further as she takes in how we stand next to each other, and how we remain close enough to protect the other at all times. Even if Maven told her that I was slowly teetering toward Cal, our body language suggests a deeper relationship and understanding of each other than could ever be established in a few weeks. Not to mention Cal knew her name, her real name. There’s no way in hell he could have found that out on his own.

“Who are you?” She asks quietly after a moment, earning a worried glance from Kilorn.

My lips curl into a slow smile as I take in her uncertainty. I can’t remember the last time Farley was on the backfoot. She has always been so headstrong and driven, but she reels back now, like a horse seeing a snake under its hooves. “We’ve all met before, and known each other for years.”

“Bullshit.” She says, pushing to her feet and advancing on me. Cal’s fingers curl around my arm to pull me behind him. I stand my ground though and raise my chin as she stand over me.

“How’s your dad? The Colonel? Has that eye healed up yet?” I ask with a quirked brow. Her breathing fluctuates at the mention of him while she stops dead in her tracks. Her eyes dart to Cal as if to assess how much he reacts to my words. He does nothing but glance down at me and drop my arm, catching on to what I’m doing. Farley won’t be bought over with a cute story like what we told Julian and Sara. She will need cold hard evidence, painful evidence if need be.

“It’s kind of cute that you decided your code name would be lamb, since his is ram.” I tilt my head to the side, earning an strangled inhale as she backpaddles. “Even more so given how infuriating he can be for you.”

Her whole face goes red, and tips of her ears tinge pink immediately. Kilorn opens his mouth to say something, thinks better of it, and closes it again. I don’t blame him, the fury in Farley’s eyes is enough to burn me to the ground.

With her lips pressed into a firm line, she presses her shoulders back to stand to her full height. “Are you Command?” She asks stiffly, her eyes roaming over me and settling on Cal when he barks out a dry laugh.

I elbow him again and shoot a glare, but he laughs at my expression. Turning his amusement on Farley, he says, “no. I’m not even on the list of people they would open a position for.”

“We know those in Command though.” I shoot a single spark into Cal’s arm to shut him up, making him snap back and rub the spot.

“I don’t believe you. Its not possible.” Farley growls setting her hand on her gun.

“I would appreciate you not drawing that gun Diana.” Cal warns his amusement dying as fast as my comfort with the situation.

“Who told you my name.”

“I know it from previous experience.”

“Don’t see how that’s possible.” Kilorn grumbles before rising from the booth as well. His eyes dart between the two of us, and as he starts to form his own opinon the curiosity in his eyes bleeds away into brittle resentment.

“Like I said, we’ve known each other for years.” I push past my locked jaw. This is starting to look next to impossible but if we have any hope of saving ourselves from the disaster to come, then we have to get them to listen to us.

“To be more clear, we will know each other for years someday.” I correct my previous statement quietly, letting the words hang in the too heavy air for a few seconds. Farley quirks a brow, realization crossing her features as she starts to put things together. She’s always been quick as a whip, and that works to our advantage.

Right when I think she’s about to say something though, she laughs. Kilorn blinks at her, taking a hesitant step away. I doubt he’s ever heard the sound, but I know it well. It still cracks on the edges the same way it does in the future. Honestly, it always sounds like she never laughs, even though I know for a fact she does that more than anything someday.

“Barrow, I have seen what you can do. And while it turned everything I knew about the world upside down… you cannot expect me to also factor some form of time travel into this whole mess.” She shakes her head, and dismisses me with a wave. Still laughing to herself she sinks down into the booth, and takes to fiddling with Cal’s bracelets. There is a hint of uncertainty behind her eyes though, and I know exactly who and what she is thinking about.

“There are hundreds—thousands like me Farley. You haven’t met all of them yet, but there are abilities far stranger than mine. My brother’s for instance.”

Her expression pulls tight for a heartbeat before she smoothers the emotion. I pull on that line though, and step forward, pointedly ignoring Kilorn who is still gapping like a fish and trying to come to the same conclusion as Farley. “I know he’s alive, and that he’s here with you. He jumps, appearing in different places in seconds. I make lightning. There will be a New Town girl who becomes our friend that can kill you with a thought and silence Silvers in the same way. There are three other Reds just like me in Montfort. There is a girl who can bathe everyone in a bubble of silence so no one outside of it can hear you. Another woman can remember every single thing she reads or that is said to her. Another older woman can change her face to be whoever you need her to be.” My heart squeezes at the memory of all the Ardents I rescued and then sent to their deaths. I promised them safety, security, and then pulled all of that away from them. All because one man told me I had to do it. “Is it so hard to believe then that there is someone years from now who can send people back in time?”

Those diamond eyes snap to me and look me over before Farley’s lips twist into a half sneer. “Your brother is dead Barrow, he was executed for—”

“Farley, please.” I whisper, coming to stand over her. Even sitting she is almost as tall as me, but I channel every ounce of military prowess she tried to teach me as I glare down at her. “If I walk out of this room, I will find him in less than an hour, and you will feel incredibly stupid when I do.”

Her lips pale as she pushes them together, tighter than ever before. Her eyes dance to Cal beyond me again, who has thankfully kept his mouth shut this whole time and has decided to simply sit on the edge of a table to watch us.

“He came with me.” I soften my tone and slowly sink down into the seat opposite her. Her eyes follow me like a rabbit would a wolf. Her fingers are cold when I take them, even with how warm it is in the room. She doesn’t pull away though, and I wonder if somewhere, her future self recognizes my touch. “I need you to trust us. I know how hard that is with everything that has happened, but Farley you have to.”

“Do we win?” She asks the question so quietly, I almost miss it while I’m speaking. Every muscle in body tenses against the truth that wants to escape though. I glance at Cal, wondering if he heard the same thing as me. He simply looks down at his boots, unable to offer any aid.

Swallowing past the rock in my throat, I look down at the table top. It’s dusty and cracked in some places. But it has no answers either. We have already done so much to destroy the path we were supposed to be on, what was one more change? “Yes,” I whisper and her eyes flash bright and wide.

“But we pay may terrible prices for it.” The last part almost doesn’t make it out. Shade’s death tries to claw that statement to ribbons, Archeon burning, and all the people we lost in the Harbor Bay siege and the final Archeon siege weigh heavy against my chest. The silence stretches to the breaking point around us as those memories consume me. I wish I could take back those words, swallow them and refrain from admitting to what I’m sure she suspects. She must read the memories as they pass across my face because her expression softens a hint.

“Its war Barrow,” the Farley I know so well comes to the surface when she switches her grip to grab my hands instead. “I never expected to win for free.”

She narrows her eyes at Cal then, who simply gives her a tight nod she doesn’t return. “I still don’t like you.” She announces a second later. “And I hope I never do.”

“You give me a hard time for years, I promise you that much.” He teases, some of the light returning to his eyes. I crack a weak smile at their banter, even though I ache at the reminder of the future relationship they share. Farley never does let him off the hook, and every chance she has to remind him of his past, she does. I don’t blame her though, she never lets herself get too congenial with anyone.

“We trust him… just like that?” Kilorn tries to burn a hole between Cal’s eyes with his glare. He doesn’t succeed, especially when Cal smirks at him and leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He’s the picture of ease, and I know that drives Kilorn insane.

“Relax Kilorn,” I tease, and then beckon Cal over to me. “He knows that if he steps out of line I won’t hesitate to put him back in his place.”

Farley glances between the two of us before saying, “So the second prince wasn’t lying. You two are…”

“In this together.” Cal finishes for her. His eyes narrow at what Maven might have inferred even as he looks down at me for confirmation.

“We don’t have time to get into details,” I add, making room for him in the booth as I lean forward to start drawing a map of Archeon in the dust on the table. “Maven and his mother know what we know. Which means they have been pulling the strings and trying to sabotage any advantage we have. They will not hesitate to wipe the Scarlet Guard off the map this time around.”

“I don’t understand.” Kilorn grumbles and crosses his arms tightly across his chest. “I thought we trusted that prince?”

“Maven is the one we have to worry about.” I finish drawing the bridge and narrow my eyes at the crude drawing. “He was always going to betray us.”

“How?” Farley sneers, obviously not happy with me inferring that she made a mistake in judgement. Maven was her recruit after all. “He’s given us names, information.”

“All fed to him by his mother, who is counting on us tomorrow night staging a coup and failing so that she can murder the king and remove you and any true Scarlet Guard opposition.” I murmur and watch as Farley’s fury melts into horrible understanding. My stomach drops but Cal speaks before I can.

“He’s already spoken with you and made the plan.” His voice is cold, even while the space around us starts to burn with the heat he releases. My own lightning wants to be unleashed as well. It takes more effort than I like to reign it in. I was wrong. He did speak with her, about more than just me and Cal.

“He said Barrow would try to come to me and change my mind, that I had to know she was in collusion with you and planned to stand by your side when the time came. That she would ultimately betray me.” Farley breathes, her eyes widening. “He said that the coup was the only way we would win, remove you two in one swoop.”

“He and Elara were counting you believing him wholly and me not bringing Cal.” I growl, and swipe my hand through the map on the table to erase it. The plan is useless at this point. Maven already took it and molded it to his needs. I should have never spoken to him on the barge, maybe I should have just continued to pretend I was some stupid girl that didn’t know how to play the game. I may have destroyed any hope we had of beating him and Elara now.

“They also aren’t counting on us having any other plan. Or my support.” Cal murmurs before drawing his own map in the dirt. The angle is far different from what I drew. “They don’t know that I know the future or that I am with you all. They think Mare is the only one.” His finger moves through the dust and Kilorn finally edges closer to see what he draws.

“So we play into their hands.” He murmurs as he glances at me for my support.

“What?” I wheeze as I watch him draw the same offensive we instigated last time. “Cal, if we do that—”

“Then it all goes the way it did before, with the added benefit that when you get captured this time, we can stop Elara. We know what’s coming and we can plan for it.” Cal finishes drawing his map before drawing a second more detailed map of the Whitefire next to it. “This time, we won’t be alone in that room.”

I struggle to keep up with his thought process, trying to determine exactly how he plans to make this work. The only way Farley and the other Scarlet Guard members will make it into that room is in shackles like me. Elara will slaughter us all like pigs then.

“The tunnels run under Whitefire right?” He asks Farley who hesitates for a second before nodding tersely. He etches a few makeshifts ones into the picture and then sits back to say, “when I take Mare captive for treason, you and a small unit will move through the tunnels and get to the throne room. From there, you wait for a signal Mare and I will give. When that happens, we take Elara and Maven.”

“Bold.” Farley murmurs as she glances over the plan. “And suicidal. We’ll never make it in.”

“You will if I don’t station anyone at a specific entrance. Name it, and I will keep the regiments away from it.” Cal waves his hand over the picture and glances forlornly in my direction. “If it fails, we still go to the Bowl of Bones, but this time we’ll know what to expect.”

My heart pounds in my chest as the memory of the too thin sand shifting beneath my feet almost overtakes me. Even though it is years behind me and days ahead of me, the heat of Cal’s fire trying to catch on the sand still burns my cheeks and my stomach twists at the echoing sound of the bar punching through Arven’s chest.

“In the meantime, you need to evacuate Tuck.” I whisper forcing the bile down as I look up at Farley. She blanches at the command, but I narrow my eyes to silence her. “Elara has seen in my mind. She knows about Tuck, she knows about a number of other Scarlet Guard strongholds like Narcery too. Did you not find it strange that Maven was not afraid to travel to a supposed heavily radiated place?”

She opens her mouth to argue with me, only to shut it like a trap and narrow her eyes. The thought never occurred to her, and I understand why. He probably got on the Undertrain and immediately started spilling honey and poison in her ear until she couldn’t even hear herself think. I can’t blame her for anything, he did the same to me, and I lapped at it like a starving child.

“Where will we go?” Kilorn whispers anxiously, his eyes darting to the street outside, as if a regiment might come marching down it right now. I don’t blame him. My friend is brave, always has been and always will be, but a Silver regiment is no laughing matter to him yet.

Cal stiffens next to me and says, “Irabella is the only safe haven. Mare was never there, but I was.”

“Why—”

“I doesn’t matter.” I interrupt Kilorn, and lean forward to speak again. “You just have to trust us. Tell the Colonel you have reason to believe Tuck and a number of other bases have been compromised. That an informate you have high up in the palace you trust explicitly told you that. The Notch is not safe either.”

Farley’s eyes widen, and it is then I realize that the mention of that safe haven is what finally secures her trust. The Notch was her hiding hole. Not one her father came up with. Command might not have even known about it. If what Cal and I said was true, and we were her allies in the future, she may have taken us there at some point. I wish I would have been smart enough to start with the mention of it. We could have saved time.

“And you need to start finding the others like me.” I whisper, as I pull the book out of my jacket pocket and set it on the table. The cover gleams against the dusty surface of the table, and I almost can’t pull my fingers off of it. The fates of so many reside inside of it. Cameron’s furious expression flashes through my mind as I ordered her taken onto the Blackrun. I will not force her into anything this time though. I only hope I don’t have to rescue her from a prison though.

I slide the book to Farley and trail my fingers off the cover as I whisper, “Maven and Elara might already be on the hunt for the Ardents in here, but I circled the names of the people that we rescued together. He will target them first if he is going after them, so you have to beat him to it.”

She picks up the book gingerly before looking between us and saying, “you mentioned the Bowl of Bones.”

Cal smiles wearily but leans back with the poise of a general to say, “we won’t have to worry about it. We’re going to avoid that point all together.”

Farley’s fears are not soothed by Cal’s confidence, and I can almost see the spikes she wants to drive through his eyes. At least she nods though, agreeing with him for the time being. I can’t even begin to express the relief that courses through me as she puts the book in her own pocket and nods once more.

“Then we will go with your signal.”

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terrainofheartfelt · 3 years

Text

FIC: All my days were rearranged to say ‘I love you’

For Dair appreciation week, Day 6, Fave Romantic Moments

In my heart, nothing can ever top the 'I love you so much that I secretly wrote your fiance’s wedding vows to you’ like, that is some next-level pining, my dude, I love it.

This little ficlet below is Vows-inspired, and is excerpted from an (eventually) upcoming installment in Mouthful of Forevers - it’s basically an imagining of these two actually communicating about that moment, and what it means for them. I hope you enjoy!

The title above is from “Swing Low, Sail High” by The Wailin’ Jenny’s

A week after Blair jokingly suggests it, a handwritten letter appears in her mailbox on the Rue de Moussy. She scoffs when she first sees it, because honestly, what a sap.

But, she melts when she opens it, when she reads the salutation of Dearest Blair at the top of the page. It’s the medium his writing is meant for, she thinks, ink and paper and cursive and intimacy. And it’s all for her, evidenced by the Yours in the closing, scrawled by his hand.

She sends him a proper stationary set with her response, deciding that he should commit to the full aesthetic. She leans into the aesthetic too, girlishly loving the 19th century romance feeling it inspires (Austen and the Brontës have always been her favorites after all). Blair saves half the letters, keeping them in an antique box she found in Montmartre, but the other half she sends back along with her replies, marked up with revisions and suggestions.

When Dan gets home after his book tour to find a pile of his marked-up letters, he sends her text with a photo of a red-inked page attached.

DH: “You wound me, Waldorf, what gives?”

BW: “What if someone decides to publish these like the Brownings one day? I will not have you posthumously embarrassing me with poor grammar, Humphrey.”

DH: “Should I have Dr. Kingston proof before I send them?”

BW: “Do what you think you must.”

He retaliates in his next letter, recounting the time they were caught in the rain in Munich, and he’d had her underneath an archway in Englischer Garten. It is so disarmingly and delightfully filthy in the way only Dan can be, his lines waxing about her eyes, her sounds, her taste, making her blush from 300 miles away. Blair is so turned on she completely forgets about their text exchange the week before, until she gets to the postscript: No need to worry, I did not submit this to my advisor for proofing.

She still teases him with her edits from time to time, but that particular letter she keeps for herself.

They still keep up all of their regular lines of communication—the facetime, the texts, the sexts—but the letters serve as a special space, to share the things that feel too deeply intimate for a phone call or an email, or even the conversations they have face-to-face when one or both of them can get away for a weekend. Things that are meant to be shared with ink and paper and cursive. Which is why Blair finally works up the courage to ask about the vows.

I have to admit, part of it was selfish. I was so in love with you, even then, and I had no place to put it, so when Louis asked me it was almost a relief. Almost. I still knew that he would be the ones saying them, and that you would hear them with his voice, not mine. But I told myself that it would be worth it, if they would make you feel loved, if they would make you smile, even for only a minute.

You ask me whether or not I meant what I wrote: of course I did. What’s that line by Neruda? “I lived in the prairies before I got to know you.”

At the beginning of sophomore year, in those months before I really knew you, I was caught in a cycle of hurting the people I cared about, hurting myself even. I loved and lost Milo, and then I hurt both Vanessa and Serena because I was too heartbroken to make up my mind. And then there was your birthday. I should apologize again for showing that video, but let me state here, for the record, on this paper, that I thought it was charming. Adorable, even.

But—I know it was wrong, and after all that, I did not like the man that I was, the man I was becoming.

And then, you.

Do you remember driving back from Connecticut? You asked me when was the last time I wrote anything. I couldn’t give you an answer, it had been so long ago that I couldn’t remember. And you, in typical Waldorf fashion, goaded me about it.

Seeing you over the holidays, spending time with you (however reluctantly at first), you reminded me of the person that I wanted to be. The writer. The art and French documentary enthusiast.

During those weeks, during that winter, you reminded me of who I was, who I wanted to be, and I fell in love with you for that. And now, I love you even more than I did then. You ask me whether or not I mean what I wrote in those vows now: of course I do.

If not for you, I know that I would have happily whiled away my time here at school completely holed up, burning in the curve of my loneliness, never venturing beyond the Camera walls. And then, like a miracle, you became my friend again, and pulled me out of myself and into this world I had always dreamed of seeing. Through traveling with you, discovering new places with you beside me—I’d say that I fell in love with you all over again, except that I never really stopped falling from the first time.

I know it is probably too early to talk of vows and forevers—truthfully I’m not entirely sure if I am ready to. I am enjoying taking my time with you, of having a love that sets no deadlines, no race to the finish line. But please know: when I think of the future, of what I want the years ahead to look like, Blair, you are all I see.

Yours (for as long as you’ll have me),

Dan

She reads and rereads the letter over and over, unable to formulate a reply for two days. Eventually she does sit down to write, and she tells him about the night of her bachelorette party, when she found those vows, copied in Louis’ hand.

I promise you then, it was worth it. Because in that moment, it was the most seen and most loved I had ever felt. And it was all because of you. And now you make me feel that way all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve it, the way you love me. But, I am getting better at not questioning my extremely good luck.

Besides, after everything that’s happened, this—the way that I love you, the life that I want to have with you—feels earned. So, just in case I haven’t told you enough lately:

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Yours (who plans to keep you for a very long time),

Blair

PS: You are all I see, too.

#reposting in the hopes this will appear in the tags #dairaw21 #gossip girl

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abyssaldyke · 2 years

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am i allowed to ask for all the questions in that post? 👀

I don't see why not! And also you're so sweet omg

As a disclaimer I did much less reading and a lot more writing than usual this year, which is a bad habit! Sometimes there are absorption periods and production periods; so it goes!

Describe your experience reading/writing this year in one word.

Transformative. I wrote in a lot of new ways and found a lot of tricks that work well for me!

How has this year and this specific point in time affected your reading/writing life?

Uh, well. The Ick kinda threw me into a creative spiral and I wrote a ton on unemployment, and even more now that I have some structure. Also it's a good time to write about antifascism.

Did you have a reading/writing goal this year? How did you do? What’s next year’s goal?

I wanted to read 35 books which I certainly did not do, though I did read quite a few. I also wanted to do a full Watch Party rewrite and write a draft of another idea, both of which were never finished. Next year I'd like to try for that 35 again, finish a first draft of Space 3: Tokyo Drift and a rewrite of Untitled Space Opera: the First One (now tentatively titled Space Trash). I'd also like to write a few short stories, particularly this post-apocalyptic museum thriller I've had kicking around for like 8 years.

What reading/writing achievement from this year are you proudest of?

Oh, dude, writing the first Space Opera. It was such a quick turnaround and yet I think it came out really fun and funny. Also, I'm proud of myself for recognizing that Watch Party probably won't ever turn into anything I'd want to pitch, but I loved writing it anyway. Nothing is wasted, right?

Did you manage to get out and do something literary in person? Think of seeing a play, going to a reading, visiting a bookshop, inspecting your friend’s bookshelf, taking a writing class, or anything else that feels meaningful to you.

Bookstores, absolutely. I wish I could've gone to more talks. Also pruning the bookshelves is always nice.

Did you re-read any books, and if so, how long ago did you originally read them? Did you read more new books or rereads (try to guess!) and why?

I've been skimming parts of Gideon and Harrow for a bit now; they're practically writing guides at this point because I love the way TM does mood.

Discover any new writers this year? Tell us about them!

I mean she isn’t new but Ursula K Le Guin. Also Merlin Sheldrake is pretty cool!

Did someone do something kind for you (buy you a book, write with you in a coffee shop, read your book review, leave a nice comment on your writing, etc.) this year? Thank them!

Ollie literally listened to me read aloud like every single day this year, for which I will never stop being grateful. Also, M’s comments on the first space opera are some of my fave pieces of commentary ever and I go back to them a lot. Having people read and listen to your work is very nice, turns out!

What do you hope to see in your and/or others’ writing in the future? Feel free to name trends, themes, ideas, inspirations…

More cannibalism, more gross shit, more gay shit! More nuanced portrayals of addiction oh my god. Everybody should be writing the stuff that gives them butterflies (except creeps).

Share a song you read/wrote a lot of words to this year!

Oh dude, Megan Thee Stallion’s Captain Hook. Also all of Montero (especially Sun Goes Down). And Kiss Me More.

How many books/projects are you in the middle of right now, and which do you hope to finish by the end of this year?

Fuckin’ NONE. NONE! Maybe I’ll do a little planning for Space 3 for the rest of the year but right now I have nothing! Literally the worst.

What book/project most surprised you this year? What book/project did you most enjoy reading/writing this year?

Space Opera in general; I’d never written scifi and it rose from a really rough creative time and went so well. I had a lot of fun and learned that genre fiction is and has probably always been my thing.

What book/project changed your worldview?

Entangled Life by Merlin Sheldrake. Mushrooms are unreal I love them.

What’s your favorite book of all time, and are you thinking of it differently this year?

My fave book of all time was at one point 1984 which... yeesh. The book I’ve enjoyed the most is John Dies at the End, though Gideon the Ninth is definitely up there. Mostly I’m just thinking of how art doesn’t have to be terribly serious to be good or affecting, you know?

Name a Book or Project of the year– this is different from all those questions above! Explain your criteria.

Space Opera 1: Daddy’s #1 Candy Baby. Easy to write, easy to read, funny and a lil sad.

What writing/reading lessons did you learn this year? What would you go back and tell yourself at the beginning of the year? What are you telling yourself now?

It’s okay to just leave it if it isn’t working. Even if you spent a lot of time on it. Sunk cost isn’t real. Grieve and be upset and everything and then do something else really cool! You’re literally 26, fucking chill.

Look back at your posts from the beginning of this year. What were you thinking about?

Man, probably the Locked Tomb and neo-noirs. Not much has changed!

Share a writing/reading memory from this year that sticks with you.

Ollie finishing One Good Turn! I’m so proud of them!

What will you be taking with you from this year into the next?

Hopefully some fuckin’ optimism and good advice. And perhaps I will take the bullying from my mother about querying to heart.

#ya girl #writing tag #this was fun kam!

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lanonima · 3 years

Photo

First review of the new year! I also decided that once I hit twenty, I'll start a new graph because this one is getting pretty crowded. There's plenty of open space, but I'm not likely to read stuff in that open space so…

Anyway, my review of Copper Coins:

Romantic - Fucky is not how risque a work is but rather my opinion of the attitude/quality of the main relationship, the way the characters interact with respect to one another. I like a lot of stuff in fiction but if you’re easily made uncomfortable, stay towards the top half.

Easy reading - Plot-heavy is how I personally consider the plot’s intricacy and successful implementation, regardless of the author’s intention.

Copper Coins

Author: Mu Su Li

Quality: 5

Enjoyment: 4

Comments: Oof. I hate, absolutely hate, saying the phrase "show don't tell" about novels because it has to do with screenwriting and doesn't really apply to novels all that much but damn. This book was so surface level. I did not feel a single emotion the entire time. It actually reminded me a little bit of Nan Chan, and retroactively made me like that book better because I would definitely rather reread that than this. Not saying it's a bad book, I'm sure it's fine, and if you liked Nan Chan and want a relationship with a similar dynamic and are less of a bitch than I am, you will probably like this one too. It just doesn't have enough emotional depth to be entertaining to me.

Would I read it again: No, and I won't read anything else by this author either.

The reviews of things I previously read are below the cut.

Mo Dao Zu Shi

Author: MXTX

Quality: 9.5

Enjoyment: 10

Comments: I have a huge emotional connection to this novel. There are some weak parts, the tension isn’t quite even, she’s pretty terrible at erotic scenes and not great at fight scenes…but that being said, I love the characters and some of the plot points really ripped my heart out. This is a novel that’s really driven by the characters so if you’re a character-focused person like me, definitely look into it (as if we all don’t already know it lmao). I really, really love this story. Every single adaptation of it has also been great, but the novel is still my favorite. It was my introduction to xianxia novels too, so you can say it changed my life!

Would I read it again: I’ve already read it twice, and consumed every adaptation (sometimes also multiple times)

Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System

Author: MXTX

Quality: 6

Enjoyment: 5

Comments: I’m not much of one for comedy and, as I discovered, not really into system novels either. Clearly weaker than MXTX’s later work, many of the characters are somewhat bland, she hasn’t quite found her groove yet. It’s not my style but the fandom is hilarious and the fans constantly produce content that I actually do find entertaining so overall I still have some fond feelings for this one, even if not for the source material.

Would I read it again: I found a different translation and am willing to try again in the future, I’m also willing to watch the donghua. But I can’t guarantee I’ll like it any more than previously.

Tian Guan Ci Fu

Author: MXTX

Quality: 10

Enjoyment: 10

Comments: I love this book…but not as much as I love Mo Dao Zu Shi. I think the plot is somewhat typical, however the characters are great once again (though maybe slightly less deep than MDZS), and her use of thematic repetition and foreshadowing are killer. Actually, I liked this book more the second time around because it just hits differently. Definitely the best of MXTX’s couples, they are so soft and sweet. Very long, but worth it.

Would I read it again: I already have, was personally translating the manhua before I hurt my arms, and am eagerly awaiting the donghua this fall!

The Villain’s White Lotus Halo

Author: A Big Roll of Toilet Paper

Quality: 10

Enjoyment: 10

Comments: Fuck, I love this one so much…..even though it’s also a system novel. But that part is in it so rarely that it reads more like pure fantasy. I love the characters, I love the plot, I love the way the relationship is developing. Oh yeah, the translation isn’t even complete but I already purchased not only the original from JJWXC but also the print edition. I’ve even drawn fanart for it, which is so unlike me. Every time a chapter comes out, I’m ruined for the rest of the day, I can’t think about anything else. Good fight scenes, which is uncommon. My favorite danmei novel so far.

Would I read it again: I fully intend to once the translation is complete, and also plan to read it in Chinese later (I’ve already read certain parts in Chinese hahaha but not the whole thing)

2Ha (Husky and his White Cat Shizun)

Author: Meatbun Doesn’t Eat Meat

Quality: 8

Enjoyment: 10

Comments: 2Ha is not for the faint of heart, it’s very horny, and violent, and has a lot of questionable content. However I love it so much. The story and characters are great, Meatbun really has me by the heart. The writing is a little more on the casual side but it hardly matters because the story is so great. Good fight scenes. Chu Wanning is like, the ultimate Me™ character, I hate how much I adore him. If you read this, just go into it knowing that it’s a long emotional journey, the characters are very dynamic and there’s a lot of character development.

Would I read it again: Same as the above, I plan a reread when the translation is done and have read parts in Chinese and might read the whole thing again later. Cautiously eager about the up-coming live action and donghua.

Di Wang Gong Lue

Author: Yu Xiao Lanshan

Quality: 2

Enjoyment: 9

Comments: This is one of the most terribly written things I’ve ever read, but I’m a character girl and the characters and ways they interact fucking kill me. I’m constantly entertained….although I don’t think this is actually supposed to be a comedy. If I were going to treat myself and like, take a bubble bath and read something that made me laugh, this is exactly the sort of trashy romance I would want to read. Technically a political intrigue story but it’s so abrupt and full of holes, are any of us reading it for the actual plot? The donghua is on Youtube, I watched it first and recommend others to do the same. If you can handle that, you can handle the book because it’s exactly the same in quality, just gayer. I do love the main couple a lot, the set-up surrounding the relationship is great, and the side characters are also really fun.

Would I read it again: Probably not, but I’m still having fun with it. I watched the donghua and read a bit of the manhua as well, which has very cute art and is probably my favorite version of the story.

Liu Yao

Author: Priest

Quality: 6

Enjoyment: 7.5

Comments: I really struggled getting into this one, it took me about 25 chapters to get invested. Initially I had rated it a 6 in enjoyment but after careful thought, I realized that even though it was so hard for me, it probably is my favorite Priest novel and I really do love the main couple so much. Her side characters also seem to be slightly stronger than usual in this one. Decent plot, not too much or too little. It seems really chill to me, doesn’t provoke much of an emotional reaction but I do think it’s very sweet, which is nice sometimes too.

Would I read it again: No, but I think (?) it’s supposed to get some kind of tv adaptation (drama or donghua, not sure), and if that happens, I’ll watch it.

Didn’t Know the General was Female

Author: Rong Qing

Quality: 4

Enjoyment: 6

Comments: Not the greatest thing I’ve ever read, but cute. It’s short, and a little lesbian fluff is never a bad thing. Writing is a bit weak and the plot is basic, but the characters are enjoyable and I liked it overall.

Would I read it again: No.

Wrong Way to a Demon Sect Leader

Author: Yi Zhi Dayan

Quality: 4

Enjoyment: 7

Comments: Again, not the greatest in writing or plot, it’s a bit shallow. But I found the idea of it to be entertaining, and actually liked it more than I would have assumed. It’s fairly short and cute, like a good summer beach read.

Would I read it again: Probably not, but possibly, if the stars align.

Female General and Eldest Princess

Author: Please Don’t Laugh

Quality: 7

Enjoyment: 6

Comments: A very good first effort, but the writing is a bit weak. It’s slow to start and I don’t think the political plotline is spectacularly strong. Some things were left unexplained, and her sense of battle tactics and fight-writing were very confusing, definitely room for improvement. I don’t think it’s as good as people say, but she writes with the air of someone who will continue to improve. And also, a lesbian author writing lesbian stories so that’s a plus. Overall I enjoyed the experience, this story is definitely worth a read.

Would I read it again: Maybe, but probably not.

Sha Po Lang

Author: Priest

Quality: 7

Enjoyment: 7

Comments: Originally I rated this one higher, but on later thought I realized that I actually enjoyed Liu Yao more. I personally have issues with the way Priest writes, and this book showed a lot of them. Characters were okay, I did like the main couple, but side characters were weak as usual. The plot is pretty good, though not great, and I think some of the pacing is off. Some descriptions were confusing, but that could be a translation issue. Overall, still a pretty good political drama, but I would say that of the three I read, this was the Priest novel with the least impact on me.

Would I read it again: No. But I will watch the live action if it ever gets made.

Guardian

Author: Priest

Quality: 6

Enjoyment: 5

Comments: I love Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan, thought the plot was interesting, and there were some enjoyable moments. But it has all the problems I usually have with Priest in addition to some choices that offend me as a queer reader. I spent about 75% of the time reading while pissed off. And actually the fact that it had a happy ending kinda bummed me out because I love a good tragedy. Overall, I can only give it an average score. If you like Priest, you’ll like this one too. I’m not a tv person but I binged the hell out of the live action, I really loved it, so I was sort of disappointed that the source material didn’t seem as strong as I had assumed.

Would I read it again: No, but I will happily watch the live action again some day.

Jing Wei Qing Shang

Author: Please Don’t Laugh

Quality: 9.8

Enjoyment: 10

Comments: I have to start off by saying: damn girl. The improvement evident in this book is absolutely insane. A few minor issues prevent me from giving it a 10 out of 10 – her transitions are still extremely abrupt, the ending is slightly weak and some plot points remain unresolved, and her use of narrative repetition is too heavy-handed for my taste. Other than that, this book leaves me almost speechless. Very similar to Female General and Eldest Princess, there are many similar themes and events. But while I thought FGEP was fairly cute, I like this one way better. If you like angst, political intrigue, and lesbians, you should definitely read this book. I have no doubt that Please Don’t Laugh will continue to improve in the future, and I really look forward to following her career.

Would I read it again: 100%, I absolutely intend to read this again sometime in the future. It’s very long and very dense but delightful and ultimately worth it.

Fox Demon Cultivation Manual

Author: Feng Ge Qie Xing

Quality: 8

Enjoyment: 10

Comments: This was a delightful romp. I had expected it to be somewhat silly and was pleasantly surprised. It was heavy enough to be engaging but light enough to be an easy read, with multiple spots that made me literally laugh out loud which does not happen often. This is apparently just one book in a series of same universe novels, and a lighter-hearted one at that. I would be interested to read the others because I found the world pretty engaging, and I do want to know what became of the other characters. Overall I found it very fun and very cute, I read it in four days so that says something. On the downside, the link for chapter 9 is broken. But skipping a chapter doesn’t seem to have affected the experience of the novel as a whole.

Would I read it again: Yeah I think I would be willing to read this again someday. If it gets adapted I would also consume adaptations, in addition to being interested in the other connected works.

Golden Stage

Author: Cang Wu Bin Bai

Quality: 6

Enjoyment: 7

Comments: This one has some Sha Po Lang vibes, but the characters have more depth and chemistry. The word ‘more’ here is extremely relative because it’s still pretty shallow. I honestly liked them both, I liked the relationship and the psuedo-rude way that they flirt entertained me. As for the plot…ehhhh. It tried. There were things that worked, but in general the plot seemed disjointed from the characters and there were a few things that had no business being there and just muddied the waters. It’s not bad necessarily, it’s just not very smooth. There are better political intrigues to read if that’s what you want. But if you just want some sugar-sweet fluff with a backdrop of drama, then this one is perfect. My favorite scene was probably the flashback to the first few times they met, absolutely fantastic.

Would I read it again: Nah.

Nan Chan

Author: Tang Jiuqing

Quality: 8

Enjoyment: 6

Comments: This one is kind of weird because it’s definitely competent, it’s well-written and has a fairly in-depth plot, but I just didn’t really enjoy it all that much? I never got emotionally attached to any of the characters, and I didn’t even really get the relationship buildup. I understand what the author is going for with it of course, but it didn’t necessarily make a lot of sense… Or rather it seems like some bits in the middle were just missing, there’s good buildup in the beginning and in the end but how they got from point A to point B was kind of not explored to my satisfaction. I did really like the flashback to the past, I thought that storyline was all pretty interesting. The big bad was kind of disappointing to me as well though. In general, I think this is a really good book with a lot of skill behind it but it’s just not really my thing.

Would I read it again: No.

#book reviews #Copper Coins #lano reads danmei #lano reads baihe

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recurring-polynya · 3 years

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I was reading your response to that anon about renji's character - very nice response by the way! - and saw your tag about "infinite jest." I own that book and i'm curious on your thoughts on it? i find it a bit daunting (my paperback is in size 9 font, single space [!!!]) and i have plans to read it this summer. How did you feel about the story? Would you reread it? Did you take notes? (I read a review where someone had a notebook on the book so they could keep track of the story). If you answer, thank you for doing so!

WOW I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for someone to ask me for my Infinite Jest wisdom! I feel so honored!

So, I read Infinite Jest twice, about 7 years ago. I am constantly threatening to read it again. The first time took me six months, I do not remember how long the second time took. I did not do this for a class or anything, I just did it because I am insufferable.

My first tip to reading Infinite Jest is to think of it as a project, not like reading a book. Reading Infinite Jest is not very much at all like reading a book. It is not a story. It is the negative space where a story should be. It is weird and boring and confusing and insufferable, and reading it changed my entire perspective on what stories are and formed a new lens through which I perceive all media. I habitually read before bed, and there were some nights I was not able to make it through an entire page. This is not to say I read it and gave up--the text is very rich and chewy and sometimes I was just “full” after just a few paragraphs.

I am not sure if taking notes would help. The problem with Infinite Jest is that it presents you with a fantastic volume of information, most of which is only tangential related to the “story”. I feel like trying to keep track of what’s happening might make things harder. A lot of the information is arranged in appendixes at the end for easy reference. I think I read The Filmography of J. O. Incandenza about eleventy-thousand times, and the very serious descriptions of made up movies featuring an anthology-style cast has stuck with me more than an other aspect of the book (Blood Sister: One Tough Nun and Medusa vs. the Odalisque in particular). I feel like color sticky tabs might be more helpful, if you’re looking for an organizational scheme? I had two book marks, one to mark my regular place and one to mark my place in the appendixes.

You should probably be passingly familiar with Hamlet before you read it. For some reason, the entire first time I read it, it never occurred to me that it was a retelling of Hamlet, but it is, in fact, a weird, tennis and drug-themed re-telling of Hamlet. That’s why it’s called Infinite Jest, you see. I am a moron.

I did not take notes. I just let it wash over me. The first thing I did when I finished reading it, was to pick up my phone and google “what happened at the end of Infinite Jest”. I read a few blog posts and learned some things. I also felt reassured that no one really knows what happened at the end of Infinite Jest. The second read was much, much more satisfying, now that I knew what the hell was happening.

If you are not enjoying your Infinite Jest experience, you should stop. It was a very rewarding project for me, but it was also a lot of work. There is a certain kind of person who will tell you “everyone should read Infinite Jest!” and I heartily disagree. It is definitely Not for Everyone and there is no shame in giving it a shot and then giving up or taking a pass entirely.

It takes place in the not-so-distant future. Half of the book is extremely prescient, and half of it misses the mark in a hilarious way. DFW completely predicted Netflix streaming and Zoom backgrounds, but he also thought that people would get obsessed with live events and would go to see ice melt on a duck pond. A significant portion of the novel details an amateur documentary made with puppets detailing an idiot president coming to power, taking over Mexico and Canada, and turning Vermont into a nuclear waste dump and I am honestly afraid to reread the book because of how it’s just going to be an extremely accurate depiction of the Trump presidency.

I do want to point out that DFW was both a problematic and deeply troubled man. He is not very good at writing anyone who is not a cis white man. I think he meant well, but we all know what that’s worth. When I read the book, I was not as discerning about these things as I am now, but I definitely recall some cringing, and I suspect I would be cringing even harder if I re-read it now. To me, DFW was an incredibly interesting writer. His descriptions of depression are unparalleled. He thought very deeply about what it means to be human, as is evident in his This is Water speech (a friend of mine happened to graduate from Kenyon when he gave that speech and said it was amazing in person). I often wonder what sort of person he would be if he had lived, what his opinion would be on things like the Black Lives Matter movement. I am not a DFW scholar, I cannot say. He is not with us anymore, though, and my philosophy is take his writings with the grain of salt that he was who he was. Infinite Jest is not a happy book about well-adjusted people.

Michael Schur, one of the creators of Parks and Rec, B99, and The Good Place is a huge Infinite Jest fan and wrote his thesis on it and owns the film rights to the book. Parks and Rec contains a number of Infinite Jest references, but they are mostly just names, they aren’t anything very clever. The Good Place is full of rich Infinite Jest vibes. Schur also directed the music video for the Decemberist’s Calamity Song, which is a scene from the book where the tennis kids play a weird game about nuclear brinksmanship. I did not know this the first time I saw the music video and I wish there was footage of me watching it and losing my shit in real time as it slowly dawned on me what was happening. If you have read my fanfic Call Me Back When the War is Over, the scene where they watch the Brawl is loosely based on this scene.

I wish you luck in your quest! One thing that may happen to you is that you may feel the need to talk about Infinite Jest, and if so I am here, please feel free to message me if you need.

#infinite jest #this blog contains multitudes

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s-mething-mbti · 3 years

Note

Hiya! I just discovered your blog and was wondering if you could help try to type me (sorry this is pretty long)

1. I’m currently pretty torn between the intuitive introverts. I was able to narrow it down to INTJ, INFJ or INTP. I’m about 97.2% sure I use Ni. The only thing that’s giving me a bit of doubt is I find myself occasionally learning for the sake of learning which I’ve found is a traditionally Ne trait. Despite this I’m still pretty sure I use Ni as when I go down a rabbit hole and start learning for the sake of learning its always about a topic that interests me or is entertaining. I won’t waste my time learning about something I find mundane or drab. I resonate a lot with Ni’s “aha” moments where the correct answer simply pops into my head or a vision suddenly seems clear or a plot holes solution suddenly seems painstakingly obvious. I also resonate with starting out with a broader range of information/ possibilities and narrowing it down to one or two things. Another intuitive thing I highly relate to is living in the future. If almost never living in the present, and a constantly fixate on the future. I have a distinct, clear, and well thought out plan for the next 20 years (give or take).

Where I run into a bit of trouble is when I try to figure out which judging functions I predominantly use. It honestly feels like I use them all (though I know you’re only supposed to be able to use two well). For example I plan out everything, and set deadlines for myself. My desk often seems really messy to others especially when I’m doing art. This isn’t because I don’t value cleanliness, but because it simply makes more sense to keep all my art supplies out rather than having to spend at least fifteen minutes taking them out and then putting them away only to take them right back out the next day. I set goals based off of easily measurable, external things such as time, or grades. I make daily to do lists that outline everything I’ll need to do in the day, and some stuff to focus on if I have extra time. With my to do list I also plan out the approximate time each thing should take. When coming up with a scientific theory, I take others opinions/theories and test them against each other, and current scientific laws in order to formulate the most probable theory. External opinions (in a scientific/ logical manner) mean a lot to me (I don’t really care about how people that aren’t my friends think of me). To me these things seem very Te. But then I’m always smiling and am a fairly warm person. I want my friends to be happy, and I want to help others. I despise emotionally driven conflict(though I love debates), and while I’m not afraid to disrupt it if it threatens my morals/ is promoting something blatantly wrong (factually or morally) I do really harmony. These seem like pretty Fe things to me. As for Fi, I rarely share my negative emotions, preferring to deal with them predominantly alone. While I may not talk about them much I also have EXTREMELY strong morals. If something is crossing them I’m not going to simply ignore it for the sake of harmony. While I tend to be private I do try to be as authentic as possible. My morals are derived by information I’ve collected and decisions I’ve made myself, rather than being derived by ‘the groups’ collective morals if that makes sense. To me these things appear to be very Fi. As for Ti, sometimes I enjoy learning simply for the sake of learning. The knowledge may have no practical use to me but if I find it interesting or want to learn about it I can devote hours to it. I try and come to the most logical/accurate conclusion possible, and when I’m offering advice I may offer additional advice that takes different variables into account. The truth is really important to me as well.

2. Reading. I absolutely ADORE reading(specifically fantasy/sci-fi/dystopian books or research/scientific articles about topics that interest me). For reference there was a period of time when I had some free time and I was reading 2 or 3 books a day? Read maybe 50 books in the span of 20 days? But yeah I absolutely love reading. Just he way the book sucks you in and deposits you and a completely new world full of wonder and disaster and ugh it’s just magnificent. And don’t even get me started on impeccable character development and eeee. The way rereading a book feels like you’re reconnecting with an old best friend or going back to your childhood home and *sobs*. I also LOVE trying to predict plot twists and character deaths. Most of the time I can predict things correctly and idk it’s really fun to just try and figure out what’s going to happen before the big reveal. And the rush of satisfaction you get when you’ve guessed something right- it also helps me brace for character deaths (sorta. For example I knew *the* death in the final empire [by Brandon Sanderson] was coming since nearly the very beginning [I had my suspicions since the moment vin was introduced] but I still sobbed when the character died. [a tad off topic but what caused me to cry wasn’t the death itself but another characters reaction to it. This is often the case I find. A death of a character I love leaves me feeling empty but what typically gets me to cry is the others reactions- for thus reason funerals usually make me cry. I should also add that I only cry when I’m alone. I’ve cried around people (that aren’t my parents) a grand total of 1 time.]

Uh and daydreaming. I’m almost always daydreaming. Ie. if my brain was a search engine or whatever one tab would be reality and I would consecutively have at lest 20 other tabs open. Some of then playing videos (daydreams) others supplying music(if I’m not actively listening to real music my brain cycles through songs I have memorized. Occasionally does this with book scenes too if I’m bored [yes, I memorize some of my favourite scenes, word for word, so I can play them like a movie in my head when I, bored) others containing random info (just me thinking random stuff) etc.

3. I guess how to solve some problems? Wether it’s a math or science problem, or an argument between friends, figuring out how to solve things has always been something I’m decently good at. Math and science just. Make sense. And then with issues between people I’m good at looking at different perspectives (even ones that I don’t agree with) and playing out different scenarios/ possible outcomes of different approaches. This lets me come up with a solution that will successfully solve the problem with the least amount of negative ramifications involved

4. Hmm maybe being present? I honestly feel like life is passing me by and I’m just immobilized on the sidelines. Im so far into the future that I kinda forget to actually *live* every once in a while.

5. Honesty? Truth? Morals? These topics are all really interesting as they can be kinda subjective. The line between honesty and cruelty is so small. What is truth? Cause while yes, we have some set truths (such as the earth is orbiting the sun) so many ‘truths’ are simply subjective and completely depend on ones perspective. And morals my goodness. The stormlight archive is a really fun series that plays around with things like what is justice? And honour? I won’t get into it now but it brings up so many really interesting questions regarding morals.

6. Perspective . I think perspective is such a fascinating thing. Just. Different opinions. Seeing the world through completely different lenses. Interpreting the same thing in utterly different ways. When toying around with an idea I find it really fun to try and imagine opposing perspectives. While I can find different perspectives really interesting, they can also well... get on my nerves to say the least. Sometimes someone perspective is just? So blatantly wrong? And has absolutely no factual evidence backing it up? And part of me wants to just just scream and it would be so much easier if everyone just. Assessed the facts in front of them instead of making wild accusations or whatever without anything to support them. But yeah overall I think perspectives are really cool and they’re part of what helps to make the world diverse and life so much less interesting without different perspectives.

The future. I’ve found a bunch of my friends find thinking about the future stressful but if I’m being honest I find solace in thinking about the future. Having things planned out and knowing what I intend to do/ where I want to go takes off so much stress. I lowkey live in the future and I honestly cannot wait till it comes, and I achieve my goals. While I might be a bit scared the future excites me so much more than it’ll ever scare me.

7. Maybe add some more stuff about the judging functions and feelings and thinking etc . I absolutely adore science and math. I literally do math for fun. I’m currently aiming to get my PhD in astrophysics.

Not sure if this is relevant at all but my biggest (harmless) pet peeves are my grandmother’s door stopper (it always gets stuck in the door and then u can’t get it out and the door won’t close properly- I have an unhealthy amount of hatred for that thing AHAHJSEJKSMDJDJDJJ) and when people say some variant of “you did good”. Like nO NO YOU DID NOT DO gOoD. YOU DID W E L L (Anyways theres my little mini rant).

I’m my friend groups therapist (sorta). While I’m really not good with words and recycle the same three responses I always let everyone know that I’m here for them and they can talk to me without judgement etc. While I really don’t know what to say or do I try my best because I care about my friends and want to help them. I love them and so I want them to be able to be happy. Im always smiling (though this is more so because people don’t ask me how I’m doing when I look happy than because I’m genuinely happy. Most of the time I’m he farthest thing from that). I’m a pretty warm person who’s always happy to help, however I’m very introverted. I haven’t had a single conversation with the majority of people in my class (I’ve had a convo with maybe 5. Talk to 2 regularly. There are 26 people in my class). I never express negative emotions (with the exception of stress- I panic intensely in the 5 minutes immediately before taking a test as this helps me to completely turn off my nerves while I’m writing the exam. I may also make a joke or two about my negative emotions with close friends). I should also add that when making decisions I value logic more and think thinks through thoroughly, examining the pros and cons etc. While I take feelings and emotions into consideration when making decisions they’re more like an additional variable to consider rather than the main driving force that determines my decision. If I’m feeling really emotional and I need to make a decision I will postpone deciding until I feel more levelheaded. I’m really not impulsive in the slightest.

Thank you so much!!

INTJ

Living in the future rather than the present and your comfort in that sapce, your ability for and enjoyment of making predictions, your ability to really understand and try on different perspectives you don’t necessarily agree with, your focus on “ramifications” (aka future implications) while problem solving - this all points to high Ni.

You also show a Te preference - goals based on external metrics, to-do lists for daily tasks, logic based on the outer world (external opinion). When you said “While I take feelings and emotions into consideration when making decisions they’re more like an additional variable to consider rather than the main driving force that determines my decision” - that is a clear cut definition of Te over Fe preference.

Your tertiary Fi shows through here as well - willing to disrupt harmony if it upsets your morals, your morals being personally derived, needing to understand your emotions while alone. And lastly, your statement about “forgetting to live” from being in the future is pretty textbook inferior Se.

#ask #type me #intj #mbti #myers-briggs #Anonymous

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 4 years

Text

Hello tumblr,

Boy, it’s been a moment or two. I haven’t left tumblr by any means really in the last year and a half, but it became less a part of my life when I moved to Portland two years ago and got involved with people and had a social life there for awhile and a love life and now I am 30. I started tumblr at 22. I was so much more naive. I’m sorry to all the folks who wanted to keep reading my life story. I do swear that I will get back to it someday, but even rereading it I see things I left out and perspectives I forced on my audience when I could have left the truth more open. I don’t stand by some of the values I had even two years ago.It’s not bad, but I feel like it needs to be gone over. It’s been suggested by people that I shouldn’t do that, but I have a strong sense that I know what I should do.

I’ve been feeling the weight of time and limitations of health both mental and physical, financial and just the circumstances of living in an environmentally unsustainable late stage capitalism position where I can bank on nothing and so much is up in the air. And I know I’m still young, but not that young anymore. I missed out on a lot in my twenties and I know I won’t get a lot of that back. And I don’t feel like I can plan ahead. I feel very trapped, enormously lonely and isolated. I know it’s eating at me all the time, but I feel like acknowledging it (as I am ironically doing it now), makes It bigger and more painful. But it’s getting to the point where I have nothing to lose.

I’m in a situation where I have troubled friendships. People who love me and I love them but there are several reasons we can’t be close. I look at the way the world is headed and I have this lack of enthusiasm in me because I feel like people are going to get more isolated and more unhappy and feel empty and deterministically realistic about the lack of prospects of what they can look forward to, I feel like everything is getting unstable and worse. And nobody wants to talk about it, to inspect it or even laugh about it. I see growing trends of fascism, a sense of withdrawing in ones self and into technology that everyone I know is guilty of, myself definitely included, the commodification or gentrification of acts of rebellion or individualist acts that one can take to protest the status quo through art or media. There seems to be no valid way to stop the way the world is headed or what people are doing collectively, or ultimately how to even demonize all but a select few. And even them, as shitty as it is to say, the same rules of the universe that created trees also created Jeff Bezos.

I feel like hedonism gets misunderstood. I consider myself to be a hedonist and I’ve been holding out for a future of excitement or sense of euphoria or positive paradigm shift for about a year now. It started when I lost my job last year, and Went through a semi abusive relationship that left me emotionally drained. I feel like after that I kept getting on my horse and falling off two weeks later. It’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to lie to myself when I do have minor breakthroughs that I am even improving.

Poverty also got the best of me. I’ve gone through a series of setback after setback and it’s prevented me from even acquiring the sense of relief or letting go or growth even to take on or form enthusiasm about even making myself happy and there is a despair in me beginning to grow that says this is just the way things are now. It’s like I’m just surviving for no reason. I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m also surrounded by people who are very depressed, probably more unhappy than me in some ways, so I’m not about to get any light at the end of the tunnel talk from a friend. I have no doubt that a strong sense of support would probably make worlds of difference but that’s not in the cards right now. Reaching out in my situation would probably cause other people’s misery or misguided outlook on life to rub off on me further. And for that I unfortunately have to put up my walls because I know myself and the chameleon aspects of my personality and other people’s negative coping mechanisms rub off on me.

And see, like on top of all that, COVID hit and that donked up my plans at maybe getting a new job or meeting new people. All the things I could do to reinforce positive new things into my life became impossible. I shut down after coronavirus happened and fell back on some of my old bad habits, which were reinforced by literally the whole world shutting down. I couldn’t fight it if I wanted to, I was living in isolation and frustration and insecurity and even looking around and worrying about all the people who are worse off than me and will be even worse off once their benefits go away or housing is taken makes me sick to my stomach. I’m afraid I am just gonna have to tread some kind of postmodern Great Depression and give up on living my best life.

Something got messed up with my unemployment and it’s been six months and though I claim every week, I don’t have access to any of that money yet and still have to call people constantly to try to correct it. I have over fifteen thousand dollars that I can’t gain access to. I just lost my food stamp benefits. I work eight hours a week which basically just keeps my phone on, and other than that I’ve been making it on no money. I don’t see eye to eye with my roommates, though it’s not personal and nobody really checks up on me. I wonder why sometimes that I am doing anything. What use is it to hope for things that become more and more impossible? And why tread water when I feel like I have no goal I can aim towards? As soon as I get used to the way things are, something new happens that is out of my control, and I am back to square one. I feel like I am shutting down.

Anyway, I am trying to hold out for something better, but more in a sense that I am trying to maintain something. I do have experience with feeling hopeless and empty from my early and mid twenties, which isn’t good but in a way I know that when I moved to Portland I got a beautiful awakening of a life more realized and full and in some way that was so unexpected that, not to sound super cheesy but, it was kind of a second birth for me, and if I was in the muck before and got out, perhaps I can do it again.

I guess I’m back on tumblr with a little more frequency for that very reason. I’m lonely and lost and trapped. Maybe I will do more writing on here and see where that goes. I feel like I could break things down further and get a better grasp of myself if I wrote more. So maybe I will write on here tomorrow. Meh..Who knows? I feel like if I broke my ideas down into topics I could exemplify something or find a deeper truth in the details.

Lastly, and this is semi unrelated but, I’ve been mutual with some of the people on this site for seven years and it trips me out when the notifications say so-and-so likes your post and its been seven years. I am not gonna lie, it is really cool. It kind of makes me feel like tumblr is still kind of a form of ‘home’ to me.

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thesunnyshow · 4 years

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Name: June

Writing Blog URL(s): @yongiefilms

What fandom(s) do you write for?: NCT (so far...maybe in the future I will write for other groups I stan)

Languages: English, Spanish, with limited knowledge of French and Korean

Star Sign: Gemini

MBTI: INTJ

Favorite color: Icy Blue

Favorite food: Bread (any kind)

Favorite movie: Too many to count, but for live-action it is probably Little Women or any Spider-Man franchise film and as for animated it would be Big Hero 6

Favorite ice cream flavor: Taro or Thai Tea (cotton candy if we want to be simplistic)

Favorite animal: Tabby cats

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering?: Coffee, preferably iced coffee because it is the only kind I can drink with almond milk and light ice. Don’t forget to include a shot or two of some type of syrup or swirl. My orders change every time, I can’t stick with one drink, ever.

Dream job (whether you have a job or not): My goal is to be a professional lawyer, but I also want to be a published author some day and have my own business.

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?

Telepathy

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose?

1920s for sure (with the Renaissance art period as a close second)

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you?

This is such a weighted question and I would be lying if I said I have never thought about it before. In all due honesty, there are many pros and cons to the scenario. There are definitely some things I wish to change from my past, but that is the beauty of life. I don’t call those changes I desire regrets because regrets get you nowhere, they hold you back and we must learn to live with those mistakes since they make us human. You only get one chance and to restart it would seem like you are cheating the system. To sum it all up, no, no I would not restart my life even if in the deepest core of my being I want to because I know myself. I know the fresh start would lead to more problems and mistakes than the ones I have committed, even though it seems interesting to consider how my life would play out if I could redo it from the start.

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been?

Okay I am not calling myself a nerd, but that is what I am calling myself at the same time. I would be an imitation of “the nerd” possibly because I would not be the stereotypical one with glasses, vintage clothing, or braces (nothing wrong with that aesthetic trust me). I would be the character who is known for being smart around the school and others come to when they need help which would sort of add to their popularity in a way. I would be that teenage high school character, so place me in the middle ground of a popular kid and nerd, but recall that I would be one of the nicer ones.

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know?

Hm...I am very musically inclined, something that runs in the family I suppose. I play a lot of instruments, but one I have been playing for years is the violin!

When did you post your first piece?

June 16th, 2020 (seems crazy honestly that is was a little over a month ago and it was a Mark timestamp no less...Mark carrying me through with my writing career on Tumblr)

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr?

If I am being honest, I don’t know the answer to this question myself. It was sort of a spontaneous decision. I was bored in quarantine and decided to just go through my endless amount of drafts I had lying around. Rereading those ideas just sparked me to write again along with the fact that I had redownloaded Tumblr and was reading fanfictions put out by other writers. I did write on Wattpad too for a while, but I slowly just moved away from that and Tumblr became my go-to. So I just thought why not and put out one of my writings on the platform to see how it would go. As you can see, I am still writing on here and growing in many ways because I wasn’t discouraged from the start. I was even surprised with the attention I got off the bat so I just went with it and continued to put out my work.

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why?

I write fluff and angst mostly, sometimes a combo of the two if I feel like it. I write these genres depending on my mood or the surge of inspiration I get at random times throughout the day. I am also the most comfortable with fluff and angst above all since it is rather easy to portray them. Cute boyfriend Mark in glasses sings you a song because you are having trouble sleeping―easily fluff. You experience unrequited love with your best friend―again easily angst. As for the other genres like crack, I haven’t experimented writing it before and maybe I will, but that requires me to channel all my humor into one story as well as my inner crackhead per se, though I always tell everyone I am sane so I am not sure if it will work. On the other hand, I can’t even picture myself writing smut anytime soon, at all really, since it is just something I know I will not be good at and it sort of makes me uncomfortable too. Though props to all you smut writers out there because it is work and you all do it well.

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc?

Okay, so this is interesting. As of right now I only write for X readers on my blog and that most likely won’t ever change since I am writing fanfiction that I want to pertain to anyone who is reading. I used to write for ships when I was younger and never again because I slowly moved away from that concept. I even have loads of drafts just for ship stories I planned out, watch me convert them to fit X readers since some of them have potential. I also used to write for OCs as well when I was younger and that is something I still wish to do. I have OC stories sitting around in my drafts too that can either be completed as is or again converted to fit X readers. We shall see where I want to go with that in the future, be on the lookout.

Who is your favorite person to write about?

I really and I mean really love writing for Donghyuck. He’s just a very versatile person in general that transfers to being a versatile character in my works, which means I can literally give him any concept and he can pull it off well. I always have fun when I include Donghyuck in a fic because there are many sides to him. Ex-boyfriend? Yes, I did that before and it was very fun. Best Friend? Yes, I did that before too and he was the cutest best friend to have with his teasing to caring affairs. I like writing about him, and the fact that he isn’t my bias (well I say he isn’t) the way other members are is surprising.

What inspires you to write?

So many things inspire me from movies to tv shows to songs topictures to other books, which serve as my greatest motivators. I can find inspiration anywhere and at any time so I do have a knack for it. I get inspiration at the weirdest moments in time and I don’t even know where the thoughts come from, yet they give me the best possible content I can make. So simply put, the world as we know it inspires me to write. I inspire myself and you can inspire me too.

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most?

I haven’t really experimented with many genres yet, but I do wish to broaden my horizons in months to come. A classic would just be best friend to lovers because it is a cute concept that I am positive everyone dreams of having if they could. Though lately I really love writing angst for some reason. It is just way more fun and flows easier for me to write in comparison to fluff so if all my works from here on out are angst well...blame my mind I suppose. I can’t control where my writing takes me and I wish I could, but oftentimes those works are my favorite. I really can’t wait to try out new genres/AUs and I know it will be an experience.

What do you hope your readers take away from your work?

I never really thought about this before since I just put out work and hope for positive feedback. Although, I do wish that my readers can learn that life isn’t so full of happy endings. Sometimes life leaves you behind and people do too, but that is natural. We have to learn to cope with everything whether it is good or bad, but I hope above all that my readers know life can also be happy. There aren't just the horrible parts, there’s the beautiful ones too. I simply just desire that my readers enjoy what they are reading and love it as well as learning something new even if it is a fictitious work with their favorite idols because even then, something can be taught of a reality that isn’t too far off.

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively?

This may be shocking to admit and to me, it is surely now that I think about it, but maybe for those reading my interview, it is definitely more shocking. I don’t hit rough spots or I don’t think I ever had before. Everyone’s worst enemy called writer’s block is an enemy I have never confronted. I never had writer’s block or maybe it was writer’s block, but it lasted a few minutes or an hour or two. I just don’t get rough spots per se with my creativity. My mind is always working and creating...a blessing as well as a curse.

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful?

Once I put out my most recent Mark fic called Evancesce I knew it would be my favorite, even topping my lovable Renjun fic of Buy One Get One Free. There was just something about that fic that touched me very deeply, it wasn’t personal to me per se, but those feelings I portrayed Mark to have felt like my own. It felt like I was living his life and went through his heartbreak. I had to channel an inner Mark to get through that fic and write it the way I wanted it to. It was also very different from anything I've ever done. It was sad and full of emotion, but it was also sweet and gave you butterflies in your stomach. There was something so very raw about portraying your feelings on paper, on a letter no less and that concept just was something I liked more than anything. You would think I would have cried writing his fic since it was so very bittersweet, but I didn’t shed one tear, even if I knew what he was growing through as well as the reader was so heartbreaking. That made it more beautiful in a way since people react to things differently and I wanted to see how everyone else would feel or think when they finished the story. I made my readers cry and cause heartache for them most likely. As for my most successful, it is in fact Renjun’s fic that I mentioned earlier. Boyfriend Renjun just hits differently and the whole scenario is very cute as well as amusing so I could see why my readers loved it so much! Also include the fact that our favorite bickering duo was included.

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose?

There is a difference I must admit, but at the same time, there is a very thin line. Take away the X reader in the fanfiction and insert an OC. Take away the fandom member you put in and insert another OC name. Changes like that create an original prose when there was none. Maybe that is just how I think and many others can surely argue, but I just believe there is a thin line and any works of mine can easily become a completely original prose if I wish them to be.

What do you think makes a good story?

Characterization. Imagery. Dialogue. Every element makes the story, but it's up to you to decide whether it's truly so-called good.

What is your writing process like?

I don’t even think I have a set writing process that I follow every time. My process changes every so often. Sometimes I may draft a story by planning out the plot line as well as the elements of the characters, but that rarely happens. Other times I may jot down ideas of what I want to incorporate into the story, which are just small notes that can hold great or little significance. Then most of the time I just open a blank document and write what comes to mind without any planning whatsoever. Everyone is different and this is the writing process that works for me.

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story?

Yes, 127% (I had to throw that in here). I’ve always loved writing and inventing original work so I can surely see myself repurposing a fic with my own characters and a more developed storyline. I hope to do that in the future when I am more experienced and have a better sense of what I want to do with my writing or life in general.

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand?

I am a sucker for street racer or just racer tropes in general because it is a thrilling idea even if the activity is illegal, in which we don’t condone in real life, but in a fictional world...yes. Enemies to lovers is also enjoyable because you have someone who knows you at your worst and slowly they start to fall for those characteristics that seem intolerable while also learning the best sides of you. Secret dating or fake relationship tropes are cliche, but work out so well as we know, sometimes at least. Just throwing in the fact that I too am a sucker for frat boy and bad boy troupes because even if they are overused to an extent, you can’t give up a classic cliche like that. I don’t really have tropes that I can’t stand besides probably like those ABO/ impregnated tropes (if you get what I mean), not that I’ve seen many but they don’t vibe with me like other tropes can.

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you?

It means enough in the sense that I would be more driven to put out content if I see more people engaging with what I put out prior. While in terms of feedback, I appreciate any kind (see constructive criticism or compliments) because I want to see what others got through my story, how they saw every bit and piece. I want to see the story through their eyes rather than my own because a writer sees through a separate lens.

Do you think art can be a medium for change?

Yes! Art tells so many stories and every person has their own to tell. Oftentimes people can’t express themselves and turn towards other alternatives to serve that purpose. Art is one of those things that has no boundary because it is limitless. Your limit is how far your mind is willing to go and we have so much imagination within us that is just waiting to come out in order to be shared. So yes, your own artistry has power to make a difference if you let it.

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself?

No, never. I am growing on Tumblr and sometimes that can feel like an unwanted pressure since your work gets more exposed, but I don’t feel that weight on my shoulders. I have always written for myself and I hope that never changes.

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr?

No and they never will because I know they are aware of my love for writing, it’s just I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I am writing about something they can’t picture, if that makes sense.

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers?

I love you to infinity and beyond, my precious loves. Thank you for supporting me through everything I do and I hope I can continue to make you proud as well as content with my work. Also, don’t be afraid to engage or offer feedback because I treasure those things more than you’ll know. I want to know what you think of my works and what goes through your head. I am the writer, not the reader so it is a different perspective. Don’t be afraid to reach out to me either since I am here for each and every one of you. We can definitely be friends. I don’t bite and I try to be as welcoming as possible. Stay lovely and amazing! (None of what I said was one thing, but sometimes you can’t be confined to a limit).

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there?

Go for it! Do it! Even if you feel like no one is on your side or that you won’t get the attention you deserve off the bat, the time will come. There is always someone cheering for you on the sidelines even if you think there isn't. In fact I am one of those people and I can’t wait to see what you put out. I am sure it's fantastic. Keep your head up high, love, you have the whole world at your fingertips and don’t let anything suppress your creativity or potential to be great since you truly are already.

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey?

I have so many because you all have been nothing but nice to me. My number one supporters honestly and for that I am thankful. Here are a few among all my loves: To my first ever mutual and friend, Leyna (@jensungf ) for being the one who told me she had a fat crush on me amongst the discord server one day and got me to open up in more ways than one. To my partner in crime and fellow Renjun enthusiast, Nini (dvrlingrenjun ) for being on the same wavelength as me and having energy even in the late hours of the night to endure with me through anything. To my lovely and kind sister Milly, (@bumblebeenct ) for alway lending a hand with anything I may need and jumping at the opportunity to simply be there for me. To my cute sweetheart and other half, Jenna (@dreamiehrs ) for making me laugh with her keyboard smashes and allowing my ideas as well as her own to thrive because of big brain energy. To the love of life and the Mark to my Hyuck, Ash (@in-my-neofeelings ) for always putting a smile on my face, making me feel appreciated, and being an unwavering rock I can lean on. To each and every one of you along with the rest of my precious mutuals: I love you more than words can say and thank you for everything you do. I appreciate all of you, truly.

Pick a quote to end your interview with:

“To truly have success you have to experience failure along the way. You have to experience the good and the bad to have a great end product.” - June (aka me)

BONUS: K-POP CONFIDENTIAL

#@yongiefilms #thesunnyshow #featuredauthor #episode 21 #nct

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coepiteamare · 3 years

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2020 in fic

2020 was terrible year but an okay year of fic considering i didn’t really write till october.

STATS: fics: 1 fic; i wrote drabbles because i can’t write long fics. but i wrote 8 drabbles? female pov: 8 male pov: 1 (i thought i had more but nope, they’re all wips) both pov: 0 (i haven’t written anything long to justify both pov) total word count: (lol, i’ll update this later but i know it’s absolute shite) OVERALL: Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted? both! i started this blog in january, wrote two things, then forgot about it because life kind of took over. because i didn’t write for so long, i didn’t intend on coming back, but i realized that i had a couple wips for the dictionary of lovers that i never uploaded so i came back sometime in october? (i published one and then kind of tucked away the rest because i wasn’t sure what i quite wanted to do with tdol)

i started off this year intending to write and finish tdol (26 drabbles), but that didn’t end up happening, so less. but when i stopped, i also didn’t think i would ever come back to posting, yet here i am! and i’ve posted drabbles and have a bunch in the wip folders, so more! tl;dr: less than i thought but also more than i thought. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? i don’t write cross fandoms anymore (though that was my start in ff, my peak poetry days), but i never thought i would write 2nd pov/memberxreader because i started off writing memberxmember fics for bangtan, so i suppose that! Did you take any writing risks this year? most definitely. i never thought i would write 2nd person pov, but here i am. and i didn’t think i’d write memberxreader, but here i am! (a bundle of surprises i am) 2nd person pov is actually a lot harder for me to write, but i’m getting better at it.

pens and paperwork actually has a lot of dialogue and less purple prose: i think it’s the one piece i wrote that was less emotion based and more plot, which is very out of character for me. it’s also a little (a lot) different than what i normally write, so that was also a risk, but i enjoyed writing that one so much: it’s definitely one of my favourite pieces and i want to flesh out that universe a little more. Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year? write! longer! fics! i want to rewrite “the dictionary of lovers” and put it together into a long fic. i have a multiverse fic that i’ve been planning out, and i want to finish 9,719km and make it at least 10K: i want to practice fleshing out characters and worlds. my goal in general is just to write a long fic (9,719km, i’m looking at you). and also return to writing memberxmember fics too (i have a namgi fic in the works and there are def taekook ideas). get better at writing openings and closing and titling fics. god, i suck at titles.

also, i would very much like to publish most of my wips. so, future violet, here’s to hoping you do that. What were last year's goals? this is my first year, but last year, my goal was to just start a writing tumblr and write! and i’ve managed to do that! so yay 🎉 BEST AND WORST: My best story of this year: nine thousand, seven hundred nineteen kilometers. i love it to bits and pieces and i had it in my drafts for a while? because i wanted to publish it as a full fic but who knows when that will be, so i published it anyways. also this part was so much better than the other parts, so no regrets, i suppose. i think it is my favourite piece i’ve written, along with pens and paperwork, because it’s so different from what i’m used to writing? (both are also yoongi fics, funny enough) i definitely think it’s less purple prose (though 9,719km def has elements of that still; can’t get it out of my system) so hs me would not have approved, but i love it to smithereens. i try to not read any of my fics after posting them though because i’m incapable of letting it be: i have to perform autopsies on it, pick at the bad parts, cut open the good ones for flaws, until it’s virtually unrecognizable and ruined, so i can’t bring myself to reread it, but as of now, from what i remember, i think it’s my best story. My most popular story of this year: love is a losing game (we played anyways): i’m so flattered and in awe that people actually liked this story because it was so hard for me to write. it’s only 1k and it took me a good week before i could publish it because i kept tripping over the language. and i felt (still feel) like pre-dialogue and post-dialogue are two different stories, which was extremely frustrating for me. i think i can write dialogue (this story is a different beast, just because of the nature of the beginning) but it’s really hard for me to combine poetry/prose with dialogue. i feel like it throws it off but the only other way to write it would be in a short bit compilation (i’ll write fics like that again someday) and i didn’t feel like it would work for lialg. (funny story: it was actually a royalty!namjoon fic where he wants to give her the world but it turns out she was a spy and she essentially burns his kingdom to the ground) i’m honestly not too happy about how it turned out but i’m still glad people enjoyed it! Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: none! i really didn’t expect to have an audience, so people stopping and reading my fics? wild. Most fun story to write: pens and paperwork. that drabble was so much fun to write and i loved the characters. also gave me the least amount of headaches, probably because it kind of wrote itself once i started. i really do want to expand on that universe, just because i want to revisit it and explore 007′s background (maybe write about 005 and 006 as a spin off though whether i want to make it taexreader or taexjimin is to be determined) and yoongi’s journey in the MI6/NIS as well!

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: probably pens and paperwork? i’ve always known that yoongi was a dynamic and versatile person but that fic really did it for me. i can totally see him being this sarcastic, dry person, but also someone with a lot of love and care for others, like he does with 007 by bringing her alc when she’s in pain and generally trying to distract her as she’s getting stitches. someone who’s as loud as they are quiet. i definitely want to write more soft yoongi though.

Hardest story to write: i am your ocean (your little mermaid). hands down. i don’t know if tae is just really hard to write (for me) or if that fic was a monster of it’s own, but i spent two+ weeks working on it. it went through so many storyline revisions and changes and then even after i had a decent idea of the final plot, it took me another week to write fucking 1.4k. absolutely awful. do i like it? i don’t even know. but i don’t like hoarding fics, so it’s out there for the word to pick at, to dissect it’s anatomy, to taxidermy it. Biggest disappointment: the movietheaterworker!oc x marvelnerd!jk fic that i never published. i don’t know if it’s just bad or it’s just not what i wanted but i haven’t touched it since october (and idk if i want to look at it) so that says something.

in terms of something i published, probably “heart” from tdol. i re-read it recently and it just felt really bleh to me? i should have more attachment to it considering it’s my first drabble on this account but nope. some parts of it are cute but it’s so clunky. i don’t like it. Biggest surprise: pens and paperwork or monsters under the bed. pens and paperwork because of how much i loved it/how fast it wrote itself and how much i liked it afterwards, even though it’s written in a much different style than i normally write? monsters under the bed because it was written with no direction and honestly feels like a fever dream (though i did have a backstory to jk’s character and his relationship with oc), yet it still was well liked! i kind of posted it as the start to the “things you said” drabble collection and was like here goes nothing, but people seemed to really enjoy it!! which was very surprising. and my butterfly, noor, called me the bob ross of fanfiction (that still cracks me up) so! Most unintentionally telling story: hmmm...probably anything from tdol. i’ve been so fortunate to have such beautiful, healthy, intimate platonic relationships, but the one (two if we’re being generous, which we most def are if counting it) romantic relationship i’ve had was quite awful and extremely toxic. (ask me about it if you want to: i like to rant about it from time to time) so tdol is a creation of wishful thinking, of what i think a healthy relationship should look like, through the ups and downs, the highs and lows. because i don’t have experience with healthy romantic relationships, i def put a lot of my friendships and bits and pieces from those into tdol. and it’s not published yet, but there’s an unwritten piece from tdol where oc talks about how she doesn’t believe in love but jk very much is a hopeless romantic, and that’s me writing me into a fic so.

HIGHLIGHTS + WRAP-UP: Favorite opening lines:

(god, i suck at opening lines)

tdol “perfect” + coming back home to you would always be one of the highlights of my day. whenever the sun shined for a little too long, a storm would hit, but this--coming home to and closing the day with you--was one of the few things in life that was completely and utterly mine to have, out of the reaches of whatever was out there that made sure the road was never too smooth. [note: this isn’t THE opening line but we’ll ignore that]

9,719km + paris is much quieter than the places you’re used to, but it’s not a bad thing.

Favorite closing lines: (i struggle so much with these) i’ll be your ocean (your little mermaid) + the enfilade of rain continues and pelts against the windowpane, against your balcony floor.

monsters under the bed + but when he opens his eyes again, to the blaring 1:01AM of his clock, you’re no longer by his side.

9,719km + p.s. did you miss me? + maybe he’s just as potent as a habit, just as hard to kill.

Favorite lines in general: i’ll be your ocean (your little mermaid) + you let the words fall from your lips, dribble down your skin like water droplets, and dissipate in the ocean of your feelings. watch them dissolve into the seafoam of your being and sink down, down, down. + it feels a little like that now as you card your fingers through his sweaty locks, dyed red like ariel’s, bright red against the blue of both your feelings.

love is a losing game (we played anyways) + he looks at you like you hold the secrets of the universe, even as he tears through the valley of your breasts with the claws of his ambitions and devotion. + (the summary line: he builds cathedrals in your name, whispers prayers into your skin, and you shatter the stained glass windows of his dreams.)

9,719km + nothing has been able to keep him out: not the gallery treasury in newport beach with its earthquake proof alarm system, not the cartier vault in new york city with its impressive randomized laser grid, and certainly not the flimsy, fickle alarm system of your heartbeat.

LIST OF COMPLETED STORIES: [note: does tdol count? i’ll put it here anyways. also i suck at titles] the dictionary of lovers: heart the dictionary of lovers: confirmation the dictionary of lovers: perfect love is a losing game (we played anyways) monsters under the bed pens and paperwork i’ll be your ocean (your little mermaid) nine thousand, seven hundred nineteen kilometers you feel like a holiday

WIP TEASERS: welcome to wonderland (we’re all mad here) (aliceinwonderland!au) summary: queen of hearts!jk x alice!reader

excerpt: be careful in the woods, they whisper. so many girls have gotten lost and made it out with just their bodies intact, bones rattling hollow and mind astray. the girls mumble about tea parties with madness, about croquet games with the heads of the executed, before they are wheeled off to hospitals, still talking to the wall.

be careful in the woods, they warn. it preys on your fear and feeds on your sanity, if you linger too long.

i know you (i’ve walked with you once upon a dream) (dreamwalkers!au) summary: oc works for the department of dreams: bureau of night terrors as a dreamwalker. jungkook has chronic nightmares.

excerpt: They tell lucid dreamers to look down at their hands, notice the garbled image to recognize they’re in a dream. Your brain backtracks to what it last remembers. A click of the seatbelt, Jimin’s soft “sleep tight,” the cool air inside the tank. Darkness. You grip the wand a little tighter.

Dreamscapes are weird, you think as you conjure up an ironwood table and a cup of earl grey. The fabric of reality is so thin, so permeable and malleable with the right amount of knowledge. If you think really hard, slip a hand through that curtain, you can still feel the cold air lingering on your skin from the tank. You look down at your watch. 8:44. Eight hours and fourty four minutes left to wander through other people’s nightmares.

if the world was ending (you’d come over, right?) (au where the world slowly comes to a halt and you find yourself calling your ex. inspired by “if the world was ending” by jp saxe and julia michaels) summary: ex!tae x female!reader

excerpt: The world starts to freeze over when you’re on the bus ride home.

Pedestrians pause in the middle of the sidewalk; cars decelerate in the middle of accelerations. The chatter in the bus groans to a stop, like a radio after the plug has been pulled, as everyone slowly freezes. Your hair, which once fluttered in the breeze, gently falls back into place.

The traffic light is red.

You pull your earbuds out. It’s quiet. Too quiet.

“Hello?” you whisper, shaking the arm of your neighbor. No response. The silence is loud, almost deafening.

“Hello?” you walk down the aisle to where your driver sits. His face is still. Annoyance clouds his eyes, chest puffed like he was about to take a deep breath. One he’ll never take again.

You shuffle your feet back and trip on the stairs, back slamming against plexi glass and metal.

The light never turns green.

untitled (mermaid!au)

excerpt: Jungkook loves the sea, but he thinks he might like you a little bit more. You, with the sea breeze in your hair and summer storm in your eyes. There’s something about the way you sparkle like the ocean top, sun skimming across skin, that makes him think you might be more than human, a trick of light, an optical illusion.

untitled (desert princess x pirate!jk au) summary: i love you the way ocean clings to shore, the way the horizon wants the sea, but, darling, we were never meant to be

excerpt: you’re pretty sure the ocean is enchanted, bright blue waters glimmering with magic. nothing else could explain how jeon jungkook, notorious pirate and thief, owns eyes that twinkle like the night sky and a face that puts the sunset to shame, unless he managed to somehow steal those too. you wouldn’t put it past him. + they name hurricanes after girls, he tells you. a prayer for gentleness, a hope for small casualties. huh, you reply, whoever came up with that idea must never have been caught in the storm of a girl.

IN CONCLUSION:

wow, could i be any more conspicuous about which drabble i like the most? why do i use so many parenthesis? also, i suck at titles and opening and closing lines. but hey, i’m trying, and sometimes that’s all i can ask from myself. i wrote a lot less than i thought but also more than i thought, so cheers to that. maybe next year will be better, maybe it’ll be worse. who knows? hopefully it’ll read easier though. p.s. if you’ve read this and if you’ve read anything i’ve written, thank you for reading. thank you for sticking through the calamity of my thoughts, through the hurricane of my mind. you have no idea how much it means. i hope i’m able to make your day a little better, a little brighter, a little light in this time of darkness. p.p.s. i’ve made a few friends on tumblr. i won’t tag them because i don’t want to put them through this awful clusterfuck of words, but if any of you read this, hi. you’ve really shaped my tumblr experience and i’m so glad to have met you all. noor (papillionsgf): my butterfly, i adore you. you were my first tumblr friend and you’ve been nothing but sweet to me. thank you for talking to me and thank you for our lovely conversations, for letting me squeal about tfua, for i absolutely adore you. hana (cutechims): the two of us are awkward potatoes, and i still need to rewatch batman begins, but thank you for always being so sweet, so kind. i love talking with you and reading everything you write. you make me smile when i see you on my dash, with every response you send. jlin (bratkook): i slid into your tumblr dms because you’re so talented and so awfully pretty. i absolutely enjoy our conversations about rich folxs and karens, and i really hope the pandemic comes to an end because i would love to meet you in person and teach you aerial! (also i will bake you lots of cookies) erin (yeojaa): hi lovely. i adore you to the moon and back and to be honest, you still intimidate me because i love your writing so much, but i wanted to say how much i adore you and how i love talking to you. i hope you’re taking care of yourself and staying warm and i hope to get to know you better in 2021!

notes: adapted from lj, where i started writing! i used to see this a bit on lj (or maybe it was the circle of writers i followed) but i figured i’d bring it over here because it’s a good reflection piece and tumblr feels like a good place for that.

#violet thoughts on the horizon #violet sunsets: a year in review

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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803

Do you have a fan/air conditioning on right now? I have a fan turned up at the highest level right beside me. It’s been so humid all day but the air outside is getting colder and it’s obviously going to rain soon, so at least it’s not as hot as it’s been. When was the last time you sang along with a song? Which one was it? Earlier today while watching Descendants of the Sun – I FINALLY FINISHED IT AAAAHHH. Thank fuck it was a happy ending, I was giddy enough with the final scenes that I sang along to the background music, heh. I remember an anon recommending Who Are You: School 2015 to me, so I might watch that next :) Are you currently wearing any hair accessories? Which ones? Yes. I have a simple black hair tie that I’m using for a ponytail now. Have you ever wished you had a different name? Which name would you choose? I definitely wished this as a kid, but I’ve warmed up to my name now especially after hearing more people tell me that they like it. Back when I disliked my name I insisted on being called my second name, which is Isabelle. Do you often press the wrong keys on the keyboard? Only when I’m typing in a hurry. Otherwise I’ve got a good hold of the keyboard.

Have you ever customised an item of clothing? What did you do to it? Other than the time we had a customized dress made for my prom, no. I don’t do DIY, so I wouldn’t be able to pull that off. When was the last time you got a splinter stuck in you? D: Probably in high school. Do you prefer drawing or painting? Any particular reason why? I like painting, but only with those paint-by-number kits that already come with a guide and an outline. I find those kits therapeutic. I have absolutely no hand control when it comes to pencils and I’ve never been able to follow drawing guides, even the simplest and most basic ones, so I’ve never enjoyed drawing. Are you saving up for anything right now? What? Not at the moment. I’m just savoring the time I have left at home before I have to get my ass up and start looking for a job. Are you any good at playing pinball? I guess, but I’m no expert. Close to a decade ago there’d be long stretches of time where we’d have no internet at home – because Philippines – and I’d have no choice but to play hours of either solitaire or pinball on my old laptop. Eventually I got skilled enough on both. Do you own any figurines? Of what? I have action figures, if they mean the same thing. I have a couple figures of AJ Lee that have stayed inside their packaging the entire time I’ve had them. If you have any siblings, how much rivalry is between you all? Zero. All three of us have different skills and interests, so it’s pointless to pin us against each other. When did you last have itchy eyes? Last night my left eye was starting to act up, so out of annoyance I rubbed it really hard. If forced to go camping, would you rather sleep in a tent or a caravan? If I was forced and I didn’t want to go through it at all, I’d take the caravan. But if it’s a camping trip that I had planned for in advance and was something I was looking forward to, I prefer the full experience and would go with the tent. Is it dark outside right now? Yes, it’s nearly nine in the evening. How often do you get jealous of other people? What is it usually about? Not very often. As someone who’s a little materialistic, I get envious more than jealous. Do you prefer framed photos or just sticking photos straight onto walls? Framing them. I don’t think sticking photos is the smartest thing to do with a painted wall. What's your favourite type of cake? Cheeeeeeeeeesecake. Have you ever woken up from a dream and believed it to have been real? Only for a few moments after waking up, but it’s easy for me to go back to real life and realize what’s a dream and what isn’t. When was the last time you brushed your teeth? This morning. How tired are you right now? I’m a little drowsy and it sucks that I can’t drink coffee until Tuesday because of my antibiotics prescription, because I don’t feel like sleeping yet. I’ll take a shower after this survey and I hope that’ll wake me up for a bit. When was the last time you had an argument with someone? What was it about? Not strictly an argument but more of a civil debate - Gab and I were discussing whether it’s okay to be furious with celebrities to the point of harassing them if they’re found to be silent in matters such as Black Lives Matter, and whether normal people hold the responsibility to educate these celebrities whenever they act like they’re unaware. If there's a bug in your room, can you sleep or do you need to get it out? Get it out. How long have you gone without sleep? Today? It’s been 13 hours. Can you drive yet? How good are you at it? Yes, I’ve been driving since I started college. I’d say I’ve gotten very skilled in the last few years. I’m not always the safest (I tend to weave in and out of lanes especially once I get bored in traffic, OR if everyone around me seems to be a dumbass with crazy slow reaction times) but I’ve never put anyone I’ve ever driven in harm; so as crazy as I get sometimes, my friends still always choose to ride with me and that’s the biggest compliment ever lol. Do you prefer travelling alone or with people? WITH PEOPLE. Traveling is one of the things I can never imagine doing alone. Did you listen to the radio today? Technically. My favorite station does livestreams on Facebook, and I caught several of them throughout today. What was the last baby animal you saw? I saw a pup roaming around the street this afternoon. Generally speaking, is it warmer or colder in your house than outside? A little warmer at the moment. When was the last time you threw up? The last time I felt like throwing up was last Wednesday, though nothing came up. The last time I actually threw up was sometime in like April or May last year. Do you give people high fives or hugs more often? Hugs. I barely go for high fives. Have you ever tie-dyed something? We had to do it with a shirt in a Grade 7 class, but that was the one time I ever did it. It’s not really something that interests me. Name something you thought was cool when you were younger but don't now: Lisa Frank. How long does it usually take you to get to sleep? Depends on the temperature and/or how tired I am. I have to tire myself out; I can’t just close my eyes whenever I want and expect to doze off. When did you last get a papercut? It’s been a WHILE, thank goodness. I can’t even tell you when. High school, probably? Which do you prefer: Blackboards or whiteboards? Just for nostalgia’s sake, blackboards. I haven’t seen one or written on one since high school since we have whiteboards or just straight-up projectors in university. What sort of things do you have bookmarked in your internet browser? Surveys to take, links for various classes in college that I should really be un-bookmarking now to save on space because I don’t need them anymore, movies I want to watch, recipes I want to try...it’s really mostly for-future-reference stuff. Are / were you spoilt? Would others agree or disagree with you? I’m spoiled in the context of our family in that I often got what I asked for, and if I was told no, I could typically pull out a pout to get what I wanted lol. But I was never spoiled rotten in that I’d lie on the floor and kicked around if things didn’t go my way and I never disrespected my parents or yelled at them, or threw a fit if the phone they bought wasn’t in the color I liked, etc. I just had one trick up my sleeve, but I never abused it. Still, compared to my siblings, I’m probably the most ~spoiled. What are you wearing right now? I’m wearing a tank top and shorts, but I really should be showering after posting this. What was the last book you read? I reread some chapters from Crazy is my Superpower last week.

#survey #surveys

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anneboleyns · 5 years

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I saw the downton abbey movie so now here’s kind of a rambling personal essay, under a cut for spoilers for the downton abbey movie. downton abbey movie spoilers ahead.

once again SPOILERS AHEAD also tw for death, grief, suicide attempts/etc mention.

so, i know probably no one cares but considering how active i was in this fandom and how incredibly important this show and the character of thomas was to me personally, i’m just gonna sit here and write my thoughts about thomas barrow, the show, the movie, what it meant to me, and my critique overall

so basically i always loved the show and thomas but it really took off 2 yrs ago during 2017.

i had just moved out of my mother’s house and i had just finished a rewatch of the show, i remember this so clearly lol it was september 2017 the rewatch had started like june 2017. and i remember when i got to my new apartment one of the “comfort shows” i would put on on my very own tv in my very own apartment was “downton abbey”. i believe the other that was regularly tossed on in the background was “the tudors”, obviously lol

anyways, i was so hyper obsessed. i had also JUST discovered that thomas and jimmy were legitimately shipped in this fandom. i had no idea that was a real thing when i watched it live. and i had never cared about jimmy or thought of them as an actual viable relationship. but with this rewatch they just hit different i guess. i spent hours and hours and hours at my mother’s house before the move (which was an EXTREMELY tense living situation, the month or so right before i left. i’m not getting into all of it now. if you followed me back then you know) watching this show like properly sitting and watching an episode with my sister, and then capping for gifs, which if you make gifs you know is basically spending possibly 3 or 4 hours with the same episode. like it can take that long for me personally to go through it and cap everything i want, then, sorting the caps into folders, especially if i’d capped more than one episode. completely mesmerized with the smallest details, hand and facial movements i specifically wanted to gif or be in a set, clothing movements, emotional moments, like i was just so into all aspects of the show and wanted to gif everything. my fav 4 are thomas, sybil, mary, and tom. i also adore edith and it may be a “fav 5″ now as i think i just love all of those characters equally. so i pretty much giffed every single fucking scene they were in lol. unless they were “ugly scenes” that i knew i could never make work in photoshop. sometimes i would cap it anyway and sort it anyway and open it up anyway and try but would end up deleting all the caps for that set. so all the gifs i have posted, is not even all the ones i capped. anyway

okay and then, there’s the fanfic. reading it, rereading, and writing it. it took me 2 years but i actually read close to every single thomas/jimmy fanfic on a03. at some point i only started opening complete fanfics because i got burned too many times on abandoned slow burns, and if a fic wasn’t my thing i would obviously not finish it. but definitely hundreds of works i read, saved to my phone and reread in google books. works i would think about all day.

so, june 2017 i start the rewatch. i also start planning to move out of my mother’s. a toxic tense living situation. in the past i have used harsher words like “abusive”. i can’t really use that word and apply it to my mother right now even though it is accurate. it hurts to think about. i can’t think about it. september 2017 i actually move.

the hyperfixation is in full swing. hours every night reading. reading 50k word fanfics in a single night. hours every day (or, week, i have a fulltime job) capping and coloring frames in photoshop. eventually i started writing fanfic for them as well.

so, in november 2017 my mother is hospitalized. this was not an unusal occurence. in february 2018 they tell us she’s going to die. 12 days later she died.

i’m not gonna really get into what happened to my mental state. it’s uh. bad. guilt. self hatred. like hatred isn’t even a strong enough word. i wanted to annihilate myself. i believed i deserved to be annihilated. that’s the only word violent enough i can think of to describe the depth of it. suicidal. etc. whatever.

but! i had this piece of fiction, this series, and assorted fan works. it really intensified after this. i can look back at this time last year and i remember how obsessed i was lol.

when i try to articulate what this character and show means to me, i always feel really embarrassed. at some point when i’m talking about thomas it becomes obvious i am talking about myself as well. but i’m gonna really try and objectively talk about my opinion on thomas and why i adore him and why i want what i want for him. it’s probably gonna be obvious i am also talking about myself but. anyway.

here’s the “meta” “opinion on the fictional characters” section.

thomas barrow starts the show as an antagonist. he’s rude, could even be called cruel. a bully, snide, dishonest when it suits him and honest when it hurts him. like, he’s an asshole. what he said about william’s mom. how he treated baxter. his ambition and the underhanded things he does to serve it. overall proud demeanor designed to make those around him feel lesser. feel less able to hurt him. he wants the people around him to feel like they should not hurt him. i think he might be unaware that that is his motivation. because even as he’s afraid of everyone, he craves everyone as well. he’s alone, outside, and he’s been shoved there, constantly, he’s been shoved there politely and he’s been shoved there violently and if they’re gonna shove him here outside, away from them, unfixably different from them, unworthy of them, then he will stay there. like, the meanness and the comments and the attitude. he’s already Not Like The Others. if they already don’t like him, he will make it even harder for them to like him. unless, he can get somewhere safer, which is where his motivation comes in.

i just really view thomas as a character that craves safety.

he wants others to not hurt him. he wants to get from where he is to somewhere safer, somewhere up there, where it’s even less likely for people to be able to hurt him.

so, his motivations: safety, and then, there’s love.

he constantly has this world and these people implicitly and explicitly telling him he cannot love or be loved. it’s not right, it’s not natural, best case scenario is it doesn’t even exist- he’s confused, he’s sick, he’s broken, maybe they can fix it. he’s on the outside, remember, and he just gets to watch thru the window as the others dance and fall in love and have friends and family and be cherished. he can have none of it. this is a really old story that could be told by better people and in a better way.

the loves we get to see him have all have teeth. he’s betrayed by one lover and then abandoned, someone he obviously had feelings for but also betrayed first. then we get a probably one-sided attraction, but still a friend, still someone he can actually be vulnerable with since they’re helplessly vulnerable with him as well due to the circumstances. who kills himself. and then there’s the shameless, stupid hope that almost costs him everything, but he does get a friend in the balance.

he finds a friend in baxter, another character i just adore, because she gives to thomas what he needs even though he objectively does not deserve it, at least not from her, who he has terrorized. baxter’s trauma from her abusive relationship with coyle that thomas knows and uses, the impossible situation thomas places her in, the manipulation, the bullying, some would even term his behavior abusive. baxter would have had every right to ignore thomas, to get him fired, to hurt him back. but she loves him instead. she loves him in spite of. she loves him because. she helps him, she speaks to him softly and kindly. she tells him he’s brave. she remembers him as a child. this especially touches me. the idea of thomas as a child, someone who must have been different from who he is now, and she knows them both and loves him. she looks at the grown, hurt, cruel man in front of her and she speaks to the boy she once knew, and thomas listens. slowly. but he listens. AND she tries to give him advice for finding a lover, supporting and encouraging something the rest of the entire fucking series despises or ignores.

i don’t have enough energy to really go off but, baxter is supreme. i need a baxter.

thomas clearly cannot form self esteem in the environment he lives in. the ground is dead. he can’t grow it himself. he has this ironclad sense that he deserves what the others have, the ones on the inside. it’s immovable. he deserves it, they have no right to keep it from him. maybe he’ll never, ever get it, but in his mind, in his heart, he will never stop believing he deserves it. they tell him he’s nothing, he’s dirt, he’s wrong, and he just nods and keeps walking. they can think that. they can say that. he can’t stop them. but he will not stop working for the future he wants. he will not stop until they have no choice but to let him inside.

but he wants, i think, for them to invite him inside. but he’ll never admit it, and he’ll never ask for it, and he’ll never get it anyway.

so, he tries to change himself. maybe they’ll invite him in then? no.

then, his attempts to form friendships get twisted, and aborted, and he gets tired stereotypical accusations thrown on him.

then, he tries to kill himself in a bathtub with a razor.

then, he leaves his home and spends his days bored and unchallenged and away from all of the friends and half-friends he had.

then, he’s invited back. he’s invited inside!!!! you might say. and yeah i guess. as close as they’ll ever let him. but part of him always ignored and not commented on. part of him always raised eyebrows at i’m sure. and yes, his bad behavior is also to blame for this. but see, the 2 are linked. and you can’t unlink them.

by the end of the show the others still largely tiptoe around him. but due to his now somewhat subdued behavior he’s “likable” now.

i think it’s quite a choice to have this character who is completely sharp edges have them worn away by heartbreak, torture, injury, suicide attempt, ostracisation, abandonment, and present that as a victory, as a happy ending. but guess what? it is. and i’ll take it. he was back among his friends, back home, accepted, celebrating with everyone else, and i adored it, even as the jarring notes i heard in it won’t ever fade from my opinion of it.

anyway, in the aftermath of my grief i fell heavily into this story and the many stories of thomas finding love and safety. and healing, and friends, and peace. lots different from each other and lots the same. again, i relate very strongly to this character. i was not in a mindset where i was able to be kind to myself. or think sympathetically about myself. i think i fixated so much on this character, became obsessed with finding stories where he gets told and he experiences all the things i think i wanted to be told and i wanted to experience. i couldn’t accept it, even the concept, directly. but i devoured and absorbed a billion pixels of a character very similar to me accepting it. it’s the closest the concept could have gotten to me and i’m embarrassed i only recently realized this link and that that was what i was doing considering it is obvious, and common, and normal. maybe not “healthy” but like. let’s not get into healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms rn bec i promise you the fanfic and the fiction fixation is not even at the top of the list lol

FAST FORWARD it’s september 2019. the movie is in theaters.

my mom is still dead. but. a lot has happened to me. i have happened to some people. i’ve been thru some more things now. dipped my toes and eventually completely submerged and perhaps am drowning in the entire Romance/Love/Sex section of human experience. again, let’s not get into it. but it’s a LOT.

i don’t quite have the same relationship with fiction and fanfiction as i used to. it’s been only 2 years since leaving my mother’s house, but i feel as though galaxies could fit in between the girl back there and the one here. but they’re the same! i’m working on understanding that.

i love this character and this show so much. i loved the film. there are problems- the writing and plotting is not nearly as neat and crisp and sharp. it’s more smooth, almost to a loss of definition, and instead of quick-wit it feels just... fast. there’s no time to really dive in in a film, so i’ll forgive all that, but it’s a flaw that should be mentioned. but it’s not a flaw that prevents joy in the film. i was overjoyed watching it. the things i wanted for thomas all happened. all the characters and relationships were... smoothed, i can’t describe it any other way. i feel like the bumps and corners and quirks and hidden pockets of them were just smoothed away. we know they’re there because we watched the show, but the film doesn’t- can’t- show them all.

it was frustrating for me to see thomas smoothed in this way, but also satisfying, because while he absolutely one of a kind, unique, damaged, and layered, and contradictory, really a marvelous character and well-built... he is just like everyone else. and i think he would love and hate that and i love and hate that about myself.

for this reason, i really enjoyed a scene where he refuses to help carson. carson is flustered and overworked, in a crisis, and asks barrow for help, and thomas refuses, with a smile. i adored it. carson is one of thomas’ worst ... opponents, i could say. carson hurls homophobic abuse at and about thomas several times during the series, casts aspersions on him in the film as well, and he can choke. i love that even though towards the end of the show and yes during the rest of the film thomas’ sharp edges got smoothed away, but they put this one in and it catches you right on the bone how it should- an older woman in my theater actually gasped, offended, when thomas refused to help and carson was left to flounder. i, on the other hand, thought, “that’s my boy,” and leaned back in my seat satisfied. it might be my fav moment in the film. surprising considering the AMAZING joy and tenderness thomas gets to experience in the movie (but, i think that’s just my taste right now due to a personal heartbreak i won’t get into). like, they shoved him outside, carson shoved him outside, outside the realm of normal, and this is a moment of carson needing his help and thomas going, “no, remember how you used to treat me? remember how you secretly think of me? i do. i won’t forget. good luck! bye!” and then goes on to have a terrible wonderful adventure, while someone funny and kind finally falls in love with him, he gets to stand up for himself to the crawleys in the beginning of the film as well and i just felt elated watching that scene.

i could probably write essays about the love and romance portion of his storyline in the movie. but i’m just not in the headspace to do that right now super in depth but.

i’m also annoyed he had to experience yet ANOTHER homophobic plotline. he goes out to a gay club for literally The First Time and gets arrested and called a dirty pervert. i remember this being my exact fear for the movie. like “imagine if thomas goes to a gay club and gets arrested? that would suck!!!” and that is exactly what happens. but at least it’s so quick, i genuinely think that entire plot is like 6 short scenes max. why is julian fellowes obsessed with having this character, the ONE main queer character, suffer solely because he is gay? experience so many gay-specific agonies, the depths of which i just really doubt he, fellowes, can understand. it’s really, really, disappointing. but consistent as the show did this as well. smh. at least he gets out, and his lover, richard, goes to bat for him in this movie TWICE!!!!! and stares at him with stars in his eyes, soft and enamoured? while thomas is oblivious?? I’VE READ THIS FIC BEFORE!!!! so yes that was VERY cute and all i ever fucking wanted

it’s just funny how fiction touches us differently depending on what we’re going through, especially for those of us that were lonely, neglected, children, ones who grew up with favorite characters instead of friends. i might be more “normal” i might be more “sociable” i might have more “life experience” than i used to but this fangirl inside is just not going anywhere.

this was just a ramble, i wrote it with no point in mind and i’m not rereading or editing it lol. enjoy this vague update into my life/movie review/character meta lol

#personal #i wrote this #downton abbey #thomas barrow #spoilers #death tw #suicide tw #tp

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