Hey y'all, if any of you are in Hamburg tomorrow, come meet me in the Gängeviertel!

If you didn't know, the Command Queer collective is organizing an alternative to the CSD parade in opposition of rainbow capitalism and a CSD culture that they feel isn't always welcoming to everyone it should be inclusive of. Their SPEKTAKEL is set to start with a rally in front of the Rote Flora from 14h-16h and then move on to the Gängeviertel.

The Queer Referat will have a booth there in the Gängeviertel (we're planning to start set-up around 17:30h, so we should be done around let's say 18h) and I'll help man it - come say hi! 🏳️‍🌈

(I wanted to send you an Ask and unfollowed you by mistake, sorry)

So... what are your favourite characters in Star Trek? It can be individual characters or the general type, whichever you want to talk about :)

(those buttons are awfully close to each other, aren't they?)

You might be sorry you asked this. I currently have a chest cold and can't sleep, so it's going to get long. I should probably put a cut in to reduce dash clutter.

When I was a kid my parents had a collection of betamax tapes (yep, I'm that old) with original series episodes on them, taped from reruns. And kid me was massively in love with Uhura. She was just so cool. She didn't get stuck with a romance plot. She could sing. She was so smart. Also, her cute quip in "The Naked Time"

Sulu: I'll protect you, fair maiden

Uhura: Sorry, neither

was how I learned that "fair" could mean "light colored" as well as "pretty."

At about the same age I watched a few episodes of Next Generation, and didn't care for it, but did adore Geordi. Probably because he was played by LeVar Burton, who also hosted a kids show I loved called Reading Rainbow. When Darling Spouse wanted to full Star Trek rewatch with me, I ended up preferring Data. In part, I think, because the episodes centering him tended towards the philosophical, what it means to be human. Also in part because Brent Spiner was just really good in the role.

Voyager mostly consisted of characters I found annoying, but I did have a certain fondness for Neelix. He was cheerful, a supportive boyfriend, and a very resourceful cook (I stand by my headcanon that people in the Federation are just spice wimps).

Enterprise was a very difficult show for me. On the one hand, Hoshi was cool (yay linguistics). On the other hand, the show committed the cardinal sin of ruining my favorite Star Trek stupid headcanon: that Orion Slave Girls are a trope from pornography. It would just make more sense as a common fantasy. Also, there was never going to be a better explanation for the change in Klingon make up than "We do not speak of it." And this is drifting very far from favorite characters, so back to that.

Deep Space Nine was actually the series we began that full Trek rewatch with, and despite my initial skepticism, I think it's my favorite series of the Star Trek universe. I liked having a serial plot (I am a big Babylon 5 fan from back in the day) and I loved so many of the characters. Major Kira, who had to grow into her new position. Commander/Captain Sisko, most Dad of all time. Quark, ruthless and greedy but also a devoted uncle and kind friend (I am so glad I got to know the Ferangi in DS9 before I saw them in Next Gen, because, oof are they an uncomfortable watch there). Nearly every villain, but particularly Winn and Dukat. And my absolute favorite, Garak. Plain, simple Garak. He's everything I love in a character: mysterious past, ambiguously amoral, so clearly queer I'm not sure you can even call it queer coding. I love his constant lying. His disdain for earth literature (I need to write the fic where he discovers Wilde). He is the best, and Uhura is his only potential competition.

mdzs fandom, diaspora, and cultural exchange

Hey everyone. This post contains a statement that’s been posted to my twitter, but was a collaborative effort between several diaspora fans over the last few weeks. Some of the specifics are part of a twitter-localized discourse, but the general sentiments and issues raised are applicable across the board, including here on tumblr.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve probably seen a few of my posts about this fandom, cultural exchange, and diasporic identity. For example, here, here, and here. This statement more directly criticizes some of the general issues I and others have raised in the past, and also hopefully provides a little more insight into where those issues come from. I would be happy if people took the time to read and reblog this, as the thought that went into it is not trivial, and neither is the subject matter. Thank you.

Introduction

Hello. I'm a member of a Chinese diaspora discord server - I volunteered to try and compile a thread of some thoughts regarding our place and roles in the fandom expressed in some of our recent discussions. This was primarily drafted by me and reviewed/edited by others with the hopes that we can share a cohesive statement on our honest feelings instead of repeatedly sharing multiple, fragmented versions of similar threads in isolation.

This was compiled by one group of diaspora and cannot be taken to represent diaspora as a whole, but we hope that our input can be considered with compassion and understanding of such.

For context, we are referencing two connected instances: the conflict described in these two threads (here and here), and when @/jelenedra tweeted about giving Jewish practices to the Lans. Regarding the latter, we felt that it tread into the territory of cultural erasure, and that it came from a person who had already disrespected diaspora’s work and input.

Context

The Lans have their own religious and cultural practices, rooted both in the cultural history of China and the genre of xianxia. Superimposing a different religious practice onto the Lans amidst other researched, canonical or culturally accurate details felt as if something important of ours was being overwritten for another’s personal satisfaction. Because canon is so intrinsically tied to real cultural, historical, and religious practices, replacing those practices in a canon setting fic feels like erasure. While MDZS is a fantasy novel, the religious practices contained therein are not. This was uncomfortable for many of us, and we wanted to point it out and have it resolved amicably. We were hoping for a discussion or exchange as there are many parallels and points of relation between Chinese and Jewish cultures, but that did not turn out quite as expected.

What happened next felt like a long game of outrage telephone that resulted in a confusion of issues that deflected responsibility, distracted from the origin of the conflict, and swept our concern under the rug.

Specifically, we are concerned about how these two incidents are part of what we feel is a repeated, widespread pattern of the devaluing of Chinese fans’ work and concerns within this fandom. This recent round of discourse is just one of many instances where we have found ourselves in a position of feeling spoken over within a space that is nominally ours. Regardless of what the telephone game was actually about, the way it played out revealed something about how issues are prioritized.

Background

MDZS is one of the first and largest franchises of cmedia that has become popular and easily accessible outside of China. Moreover, it’s a piece of queer Chinese media that is easily accessible to those of us overseas. For many non-Chinese fans, this is the first piece of cmedia they have connected with, and it’s serving as their introduction to a culture previously opaque to them. What perhaps is less obvious is that for many Chinese diaspora fans, this is also the first piece of cmedia THEY have connected with, found community with, seen themselves in.

Many, many of us have a fraught relationship with our heritage, our language—we often suffer from a sense of alienation, both from our families and from our surrounding peers. For our families, our command of the language and culture is often considered superficial, clunky, childish. Often, connecting with our culture is framed as a mandatory academic duty, and such an approach often fosters resentment towards our own heritage. For our non-Chinese peers, our culture is seen as exotic and strange and other, something shiny and interesting to observe, while we, trapped in the middle, find ourselves uprooted and adrift.

MDZS holds an incredibly important place in many diaspora’s hearts. Speaking for myself, this is literally the first time in my life I have felt motivated and excited about my own native tongue. It's the first time I have felt genuine hope that I might one day be able to speak and read it without fear and self-doubt. It is also the first time that so many people have expressed interest in learning from me, in hearing my thoughts and opinions about my culture.

This past year and a half in fandom has been an incredible experience. I know that I am not alone in this. So many diaspora I have spoken to just in the last week have expressed similar sentiments about the place MDZS holds in their lives. It is a precious thing to us, both because we love the story itself, and because it represents a lifeline to a heritage that’s never felt fully ours to grasp.

It’s wonderful to feel like we are able to welcome our friends into our home and show them all these things that have been so formative to our identities, and to be received with such enthusiasm and interest. Introducing this to non-Chinese friends and fans has also been an opportunity to bridge gaps and be humanized in a way that has been especially important in a year where yellow peril fear mongering has been at an all-time high.  

History

However, MDZS’ rise in popularity among non-Chinese audiences has also come with certain difficulties. It is natural to want to take a story you love and make it your own: that’s what transformative fandom is all about. It is also natural that misunderstandings and unintentional missteps might happen when you aren’t familiar with the ins and outs of the culture and political history of the story in question. This is understandable and forgivable—perfection is impossible, even for ourselves.

We hope for consideration and respect when we give our knowledge freely and when we raise the issue of our own discomfort with certain statements or actions regarding our culture. Please remember that what is an isolated incident to you might be a pattern of growing microaggressions to us. In non-Asian spaces, Asian diaspora are often lumped together under one umbrella. In the west, a lot of Chinese diaspora attach themselves to Korean and Japanese media in order to feel some semblance of connection to a media which approximates our cultures because there are cultural similarities. This is the first time we've collectively found community around something that is actually ours, so the specificities matter.

There is a bitterness about being Asian diaspora and a misery in having to put up a united front about racial issues. Enmity towards one group becomes a danger to all of us, all while our own conflicted histories with one another continue to pass trauma down through the generations. Many of us don’t even watch anime in front of our grandparents because of that lingering cultural antipathy. When the distinctions between our cultures are muddled, it feels once again like that very fraught history is flattened and forgotten.

Without the lived experience of it, it’s hard to understand how pervasive the contradictory web of anti-Asian and, more specifically, anti-Chinese racial aggressions are and how insidious its effects are. The conflation of China the political entity (as perceived and presented by the US and Europe) with its people, culture, and diaspora results in an exhausting litany of criticism levied like a bludgeon, often by people who don’t understand the complicated nature of a situation against those of us who do.

There is often a frankly stunning lack of self-awareness re: cultural biases and blind spots when it comes to discussions of MDZS, particularly moral ones. There are countless righteous claims and hot takes on certain aspects of the story, its author, and the characters that are so clearly rooted in a Euroamerican political and moral framework that does not reflect Chinese cultural realities and experiences. Some of these takes have become so widespread they are essentially accepted as fanon.

This is a pattern of behavior within the fandom. It is not limited to any specific group, nor does it even exclude ourselves—we are, after all, not a monolith, and we should not be placed on pedestals to have our differing opinions weaponized against one another in fandom squabbles. We are not flawless in our own understandings and approaches, and we would appreciate it if others would remember this before using any of us as ultimate authorities to settle a personal score.

It is difficult not to be disheartened when enthusiastic interest crosses the line into entitled demand and when transformative work crosses into erasure, especially when the reactions to our raised concerns have so frequently been dismissive and hostile. The overwhelming cultural and emotional labor we bring to the table is often taken advantage of and then criticized in bad faith. We are bombarded with racist aggressions, micro and macro, and then met with ridicule and annoyance when we push back. Worse, we sometimes face accusations of hostility that force us to apologize, back down, and let the matter go.

When we bring up our issues, it usually seems to come with the expectation that there are other issues that should be addressed before we can address ours. It feels like it’s never really the time to talk about Asian issues.

On the internet and in fandom spaces, Western-coded media, politics and perspectives are assumed to be general knowledge and experience that everyone knows and has. It feels like a double standard that we are expected to know the ins and outs of western politics and to engage on these terms, but most non-Chinese have not even the slightest grasp of the sort of politics that are at play within our communities. We end up feeling used for our specialized knowledge and cultural background and then dismissed when our opinions and problems are inconvenient.

As the culture represented in MDZS is not a culture that most non-Chinese fans are familiar with, we’d like to remind you that you do not get to decide which parts of it are or are not important. While sharing this space with Chinese diaspora who have a close connection to the work and the painful history that goes along with being diaspora, we ask that you be mindful of listening to our concerns.

Cultural erasure is tied to a lot of intense historical and generational trauma for us that maybe isn't immediately evident: the horrors of the Pacific theatre, the far-reaching consequences of colonization, racial tensions both among ourselves and with non-Chinese etc. These are not minor or simple things, and when we talk about our issues within fandom, this is often what underlies them. This is one of the first and only places many of us have been able to find community to discuss our unique issues without feeling as if we’re speaking out of turn.

With the HK protests, COVID, the anti-Chinese platforms of the US election etc., anti-Chinese sentiment has been at the forefront of the global news cycle for some time now, and it is with complete sincerity that we emphasize once again how important MDZS fandom has been as a haven for humanizing and valuing Chinese people through cultural exchange.

Experiencing racial aggression within that space stings, not just because it’s a space we love, but because it feels like we’ve been swimming in rapidly rising racial aggression for over a year at this point.

Feelings

This is a difficult topic to broach at the best of times, and these are not the best of times. Many of us have a wariness of rocking the boat instilled in us from our upbringings, and it is not uncommon for us to feel like we should be grateful that people want to engage with something of ours at all. When we do decide to speak up, we’ve learned that there is a not insignificant chance that we’ll be turned on and trampled over because what we’ve said is inconvenient or uncomfortable. When it is already so difficult to speak up, we end up second-guessing and gaslighting ourselves into wondering whether there really was a problem at all.

We’d like to be able to share what we know about our culture and have our knowledge and experience be taken seriously and treated with courtesy. This is a beautiful, rich world built with the history of our ancestors, one that we too are trying to connect with. When we find it in ourselves to speak up about it, we would appreciate being met with consideration instead of hostility.

We don't have the luxury of stepping away from our culture when we get tired of it. We don't get to put it down and walk away when it’s difficult. But if you're not Chinese or Chinese diaspora, you get to put this book down—we'd like to kindly request that you put it down gently because of how much it matters to all of us in this fandom, regardless of heritage.

What we are asking for is reflection and thoughtfulness as we continue to engage with this work and with one another, especially with regards to how Chinese issues are positioned. When we raise issues of our own discomfort, please take a moment to reflect before reacting defensively or trying to shut us down for spoiling the fun—don’t deprioritize our concerns, especially in a fandom for a piece of Chinese media. We promise most of us are not trying to start shit for the sake of a fight. Most of the time, all we want is acknowledgement and a genuine attempt at understanding.

Our hope with this statement is to encourage more openness and understanding between diaspora and non-Chinese fans while we navigate this place that we’re sharing. Please remember that for many of us, MDZS is far more intense than a typical fandom experience. Remember that the knowledge we have and research we do is freely and happily given, and that it costs us both materially and emotionally. Please don’t take that for granted. Remember too that sometimes the reason for our discomfort may not be immediately evident to you: what seems culturally neutral and harmless might touch upon specific loaded issues for us. We ask for patience, and we ask for sincerity as we try to communicate with one another.

We are writing this because there’s a collective sense of imposed silence—that every time the newest round of discourse crops up, we often feel as if we’re walking away having created no meaningful change, and nursing new wounds that we’ll never get to address. But without speaking up about it, this is a cycle that will keep repeating.

This is not meant to shame or guilt the fandom into throwing themselves at our feet, either to thank us or beg for forgiveness—far from that. We’re just your friends and your fellow fans. We are happy to have you here, and we’re happy to create and share and play together. We just ask to be respected and heard.

Thank you. Thank you for listening. Several of us will be stepping back from twitter for a while. We’ll see you when we get back. ❤️

* A final addendum: here are two articles with solid practical advice on writing stories regarding a culture other than your own.

Cultural Appropriation for the Worried Writer: Some Practical Advice

Cultural Appropriation: Some More Practical Advice

The thread on twitter is linked in the source of this post. Thanks everyone.

Hi, I was wondering is you have any advice on being a member of the church and being gay.

This is a wide-open question. If you were meeting with me in person, we could talk about this for hours. I can’t write everything I’d like to say, but I hope what I share is useful.

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A person’s sexual orientation is how they experience the world. It’s how you love and how you connect with people. God doesn’t love you despite being gay, God loves you because you are YOU. God knows this about you, He made you. You are gay and you are known & loved by God and He is rooting for you. I hope knowing this will help you get through some of the tough moments of life.

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It’s easy to focus on the negative. There are also positive things, remember those. 

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Studies show that, on average, LGBT people are creative, have higher IQ’s and higher emotional intelligence (better at social relationships), have more compassion and are more cooperative and have less hostility. Does any of that sound like you?

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The church doesn’t yet have the answers for LGBTQ+ people. The current policies, teachings & restrictions were created at a time when they believed people were made gay because of circumstances in their life and could change to be straight.  

Disregard any pamphlet or talks or advice from the Church on LGBTQ topics that is more than a few years old. The church leaders are slowly evolving and you don’t need to go back to less enlightened days and read the advice made when their understanding was even more behind than it is today

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One day the church will need to rethink the place of queer people in the Plan of Happiness (currently we are absent). As we are unable to complete the highest goals in our church, you have to figure out what a successful life looks like to you.

In Mormonism we’re so accustomed to “knowing,” but the truth is there is no clear path forward for queer Mormons. It can feel wobbly and scary to not be on sure footing, but you have an opportunity to work out with God what your path forward is. When something feels right, trust that and move forward. 

Our pathway is less traveled and not well marked, we will trip and stumble, but we look out for each other.

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Work on becoming more Christlike. Think about what is God doing in the world today and join that work. 

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The Atonement of Jesus Christ means He can heal your heart and strengthen you in the hard times. 

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God doesn’t wait until we are perfectly ready and up for the challenge, we all have to go out and do our best as we are, learn along the way, adjust and try again. We all make mistakes and it’s okay to start over and try again. It is never too late, too dark or too hopeless. 

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Be patient with your progress. You don’t have to understand everything now.

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Get LGBTQ friends. It’s especially helpful if they’re also LDS because they’ll get you in a way no one else will. Online friends count. If you’re in school, perhaps they have a Gay-Straight Alliance. If you’re at a church university, seek out USGA. When I hang out with queer people I feel normal. It’s nice to step out of the heteronormative world which is always saying I don’t fit.

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Allow people to grow and change. Forgive and try not to carry around all the hurtful things.

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Seek therapy when you feel things getting hard. A lot of universities include psychological counseling in your tuition & fees; you can also be referred to LDS Family Services by your bishop, which is covered by some insurance plans. Another option is to check your insurance and find the mental health professionals in your area that are covered. Try contacting the psychology dept at a local university, perhaps they offer some counseling services to non-students. 

LGBTQ Mormons face much higher rates of mental illness than the average person, there’s no shame in getting help even when you’re not desperate or suicidal.

Studies show being active in church makes us more likely to have higher rates of depression, internalized homophobia and sexual identity crisis. We also have lower self-esteem and a lower quality of life. Most have the symptoms of PTSD and higher rates of suicidality. 

Be aware of these and be proactive in seeking help. 

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It is always okay to take a break from church to improve your mental health or if it feels hard. You can always step outside if people say hurtful things (even if they don’t realize how it sounds to you). You’re also welcome to go back whenever you choose.

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When I hear something at church that troubles me. I ask these three questions:

Does that sound like me, do I resemble that remark? (when they’re talking about gay people)

Is this consistent with the God I know?

Does this fit with the great commandment to love one another?

So often I find the things which trouble me fail these questions. It’s also highlighted for me that Mormons often obsess on things that don’t really matter.

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There will be people who can’t see your worth. Don’t let yourself be one of them.

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Have fun, enjoy life. Not everything has to be tough or serious. 

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You have claim to two great histories and legacies–LDS & LGBT+. Both the queer community and LDS church, in different ways, teach me about being kind and accepting others.

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I’m putting a lot of links here that I think will be useful resources for you:

This is a TedTalk that speaks about some of the reasons why Nature creates homosexuals, and some of the differences in people who are LGBT compared to the rest of the population.

This is long, but is the best write up I’ve seen about the LDS church’s history on homosexuality while explaining what this is like for gay Mormons

Taylor Petrey is a professor who in this article gives me many things to think about regarding gays & lesbians and Mormonism. 

This is a simple to follow explanation of why temple sealings for gay couples makes sense

This is dense, but it’s a listing of all sorts of queer people and relationships in Church history (we’ve been a part of the Church since the beginning)

Affirmation is the oldest organization for LDS/post-LDS LGBTQ+ individuals, family and allies. They have multiple Facebook pages for different situations. If you’re still active in church, a group for you to check out is Affirmation Prepare.

Collection of scriptures useful for queer people to understand - links to many discussions about the meaning of scriptures often used against queer people, includes some hopeful scriptures, too.

Stages of Faith Transitions - Jana Spangler helped me understand the different stages we go through and it helps us understand the faith we have

Biology of Queerness - I summarize a lot of studies done that show biology is what made us queer, not our choices.

Stonewall Inn and the Riots - This is the story of the beginning of the modern queer-rights movement. Because we are raised by straight people, we often don’t know our LGBTQ+ history and this is a good place to start.  

The Payne Papers - This is would be considered the beginning of the gay rights movement inside the Church. The truths and arguments presented still stand up over 40 years later.  

Queer LDS Heroes of the 2010′s - I think it’s helpful to learn about all these people who helped shape how our church membership has shifted it’s views about LGBTQ people because they were brave enough to come out and share their stories.

My Queer Playlist Part 1 & Part 2 - Listening to these songs can help me feel connected to LGBTQ people even when I am alone. 

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Remember G.A.Y.–God Adores You

what books did u get ? i rly need to get back into reading more now school is over

oh man. so I’ll give you what I bought & then I’m also gonna throw in some similar books that I have already read just because I can actually vouch for the quality of those

(brief note that my main qualifications when I was looking for books, besides not wanting YA, was that 1. they were not about straight cis white men and/or 2. they had particular appeal to one of the areas of sf&f that I have a particular fondness for and/or 3. they cost under five bucks. so there’s a lot of diverse lit, and a lot of novellas, and a lot of urban fantasy wizards who are also detectives/rebellious angels and or demons/necromancy/dragons/stuff that is explictly Lovecraftian adaptations but takes the piss out of Lovecraft/anything on this list/anything published by Tor)

new books that I have read:

(coming back to update this as I get through these books)

the Lovelace & Wick series by Jennifer Rainey – this is the Demon Husbands one I’ve been yelling about. Two gentleman demons in love – a Faustian tempter and a bringer of catastrophes – are growing increasingly dissatisfied with the work they do for hell, while also being forced to contend with new and dangerous enemies. Set in a vaguely-steampunk 1890s Massachusetts. Also includes monster-hunting steampunk scientist lesbian wives.

Deadline by Stephanie Ahn – fourteen months after a disastrous failed ritual, disgraced blood witch Harrietta Lee gets offered a ridiculously lucrative job quietly recovering a stolen artifact for a young member of a powerful magical family, and promptly finds out that this is too good to be true. Also she keeps meeting scary, hot women. Instantly the only wisecracking urban fantasy PI named Harry that my heart has any room for. (This one’s a bit Spicier than my usual fare but the author actually includes a list of content warnings including page numbers at the front of each book, which you can view with the preview option on the Amazon page.)

Hammers on Bone by Cassandra Khaw – A kid hires London PI John Persons to kill his stepfather. The first catch is that the stepfather is a Lovecraftian horror. The second catch is that Persons is too. This is like, the noir-est horror I’ve ever read and that’s something I am very into. 

The Haunting of Tram Car 015 by P. Djeli Clark – An urban fantasy police procedural set in an alternate 1912 Cairo, in which two government officials are sent to deal with a strange, malevolent spirit in the midst of political upheaval as Egypt’s women demand universal suffrage. There’s a free short story prequel to this on tor.com called “A Dead Djinn in Cairo“ that’s worth reading first.

Three Parts Dead by Max Gladstone – high fantasy with a black protagonist, in which Tara Abernathy, a disgraced magic user and rookie associate in an internationally renowned necromancy firm, is assigned to resurrect a city’s murdered patron fire god – but first, with the help of a chain-smoking priest and a vampire-addicted servant of Justice Herself, she has to track down his killer.

River of Teeth by Sarah Gailey – in an alternate history where the 1910 “Hippo Bill” passed, Winslow Remington Houndstooth, an ex-rancher out for revenge, is hired to travel north with a ragtag crew – a con artist and pickpocket, a demolitions expert with a proclivity for poisoning, the most dangerous contract killer in the country, and the very man who ruined his life – and take on the dangers of the massive swamp that was once the Mississippi river, a place ruled over by deadly feral hippos and a homicidal riverboat gambling king.

or, essentially, a swamp-based heist Western with a cast including a British-East Asian bisexual man, a black nb person, an unashamedly fat woman, and a pregnant Latina lesbian, and also their pet hippos. Listen just go ahead and get the version with both stories in it

Silver in the Wood by Emily Tesh – Tobias has lived in the woods as long as anyone can remember; long enough that the nearby town tells stories of the Green Man, the spirit-king of the forest, who dwells in the trees. These stories are truer, and far more dangerous, than anyone but Tobias knows – so when friendly, handsome, curious Henry Silver buys up the neighboring Greenhollow Hall and starts investigating the local folklore, Tobias will have to decide whether to sacrifice the only life he has known for centuries, or the first person he has loved in all that time.

not-new books that I have read:

idk if you don’t know about the Wayfarers series, the first of which is The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet, but it is an absolutely stellar bit of sci-fi very much based around ideas of found family and discovering your own identity and place in the universe and love and compassion and stories based around sweet slice-of-life stuff in a scifi universe with lots of fun aliens and it is so very queer and so very heartwarming and all three books (which each have different casts, although the characters in all three are connected to one another and sort of cameo across all the books) are fantastic.

Urban Dragon by J.W. Troemner – Dragons are supposed to be ruthless, unpredictable, deadly, selfish creatures. So why is it that Rosa Hernandez seems to be able to keep her best friend Arkay in check? How did Arkay, a shape-changing dragon with lightning at her command, end up being found alone and starving and with no memory of her past by a homeless woman? And as evidence mounts that someone is hunting down supernatural beings, who can they trust? (I stumbled across this while looking for urban fantasy on TV Tropes and BOY am I glad I did. Good if you like close friendships between queer women or the enemies-to-lovers trope)

The Merry Spinster by Daniel Mallory Ortberg – of course I was going to read Daniel Ortberg’s short story collection, are you kidding me. Not “””darker””” fairy tale retellings, but fairy tales as often very surreal, psychological horror. Read this if you want to totally ruin “The Velveteen Rabbit” for yourself.

The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker – historical fantasy set in the early-20th-century Orthodox Jewish and Middle Eastern immigrant communities of NYC, about the strange friendship that springs up between a bitter jinn trapped in a mortal body and a masterless golem living among humans. and it gave me feelings.

The Ballad of Black Tom by Victor LaValle – a retelling of H.P. Lovecraft’s short story “The Horror at Red Hook” from the perspective of a black man. One of the better pieces of horror I have ever read.

Lovecraft Country by Matt Ruff – a very different take on a similar concept to The Ballad of Black Tom, wherein a mid-century black Midwestern family find themselves mixed up in the plans of a bunch of cultists and set out to disentangle themselves from this whole cosmic-horror mess. Apparently Jordan Peele is adapting this into a TV show, so I’m stoked for that.

new books that I have not read:

(& also a couple that are just books I want, and some that I just haven’t read yet but got free from the Tor monthly ebook club, which is very much worth joining)

Armed in Her Fashion by Kate Heartfield– I’m just going to let the official blurb speak for this one because there is absolutely no way I could improve on it

The Black God’s Drums by P. Djeli Clark – New Orleans-based steampunk fantasy about an airship captain and a stowaway who talks to orishas.

Rupert Wong, Cannibal Chef by Cassandra Khaw – Apparently several authors have written standalone works in this series, and Cassandra Khaw’s aren’t chronologically the first, but I love Cassandra Khaw and “chef for ghouls and pencil-pusher for the Ten Chinese Hells is forced to solve an inter-pantheon murder mystery” just sounds so good to me.

Bones and Bourbon by Dorian Graves – Cursed half-huldra PI is forced to help out his little brother and the demon who shares his body, and then everything goes wrong. Feat. carnivorous unicorns.

Labyrinth Lost by Zoraida Cordova – reluctant bruja attempts to rid herself of her magic and instead plunges her entire family into magical trouble. YA.

Robbergirl by S. T. Gibson – WLW retelling of The Snow Queen from the perspective of the bandit princess. YA.

Passing Strange by Ellen Klages – slightly-fantastical historical lesbian noir novella set in the burgeoning 1940s gay club scene in San Francisco.

The Black Tides of Heaven by JY Yang – admittedly caught my eye because the cover art reminded me of Moribito, which I adore. East-Asian-inspired epic fantasy which I believe has a nonbinary protagonist.

Rosemary and Rue by Seanan McGuire – I’ve been neglecting getting around to October Daye way, way too long considering how much I love Seanan McGuire and urban fantasy, but my mom started reading this and that pushed me over the edge because damn it, yes I want to read her take on the Wizard Detective genre that I have such a weakness for.

The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson – this was recommended to me in a Tumblr post listing interesting, diverse fantasy, and I’ve been into high fantasy political intrigue lately.

The Paper Magician by Charlie N. Holmberg – came across this in a Twitter thread about fantasy worlds with unconventional and interesting magic systems. A newly graduated student of magic is bitter about being sent to learn paper-crafting magic rather than working with metal, until Murder Stuff Happens. YA.

Miranda in Milan by Katharine Duckett – queer fantasy sequel to The Tempest, with Miranda as protagonist.

Witchmark by C. L. Polk – post-WWI gaslamp fantasy MLM romance about a male witch in hiding, working as a doctor; the reviews seem to indicate people think it’s more ‘delightful’ than ‘literary’ but apparently it is pretty fucking delightful.

In the Vanisher’s Palace by Aliette de Bodard– East Asian WLW retelling of Beauty and the Beast and also one of them is a dragon.

Winter Tide by Ruthanna Emrys – another one of the rash of new Lovecraft adaptations that are turning perspectives around, this being one where the citizens of Innsmouth are the protagonists. Also has a really good short story prequel you can read for free on tor.com.

also I just feel like mentioning that I’m stupidly excited for Gideon the Ninth by Tamsin Muir to come out this fall because the review they’ve decided to put at the top of every blurb is “Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space!” (not my exclamation mark) and I don’t know how anyone could more perfectly craft something to my tastes.

New character arcs and new back story because canon sucks again

Main 4 cast with notes on characters that need notes for changes to make sense  Garnet: yesyesyesyesyeysyes everything good about this show. There’s not enough garnet centric things where she’s just herself and not about ruby and sapphire. More information on Garnet. Shes stoicly funny and just murders people with words sometimes. show her being rose’s top tactician. turning the tides of the war that were never in the crystal gem’s favor. maybe theres a fun earth thing shes into. Her room is the heart of the temple for a reason now. Its a balance between pearl and amethyst. The bubbles are organized, but she has her own side space with things she does as hobbies. She has a collection of antique books that she likes to read lava side and she often meditates to see corrupted gems and a future in which the CGs encounter them. maybe she even draws them out to combine ruby’s need to Do with sapphire's need to Know. Fusion is still very important to her, but not she has plot relevant interests that make sense with her character. Her character arc involves her being the first of her kind. shes something completely new! just like steven is. and for that not to bind them together is silly. She wants the best for steven and he makes her want to be an even better leader now that rose is gone and shes the only one left. she makes him think about his actions and slows down his hyper activity when he or amethyst are trying to do something reckless. From him she learns that it’s okay to let her guard down more. Homeworld might come back, but it’s not all on her shoulders. the CGs are a family and they’ll protect everyone together. Garnet in jailbreak is the first time we know shes a fusion and before that we get more about her character not just from environment around her, but her reactions to things. Maybe she feels like she needs to be in control because shes afraid that without rose, homeworld is more a danger than ever.

Amethyst: I like most of her progression actually!!! a few things I’d mess with is when she’s unnecessary hurtful to people she loves, like greg, when she shape shifted into rose, and peridot when she all but threw her stuff into the ocean. these things need to be gotten rid of, or addressed by the narrative. I’d also like to see her hanging around Vidalia wayyyyy sooner or to have a reason why they dont. As for reasons, maybe Amethyst did or said something hurtful toward her, lashing out at her for whatever reason that made their friendship strained. while a decade is a long time for a human, for a gem its nothing. so while she feels bad, Am’ isnt going to apologize herself!!! she didnt do anything wrong!!! and maybe Vidalia is the first person steven convinces her to apologize to. Steven teaches her compassion and is, in return, the gem he can relate to the best. He goes to her first with gem issues and she acts like an older sibling, trying to teach him or cover up mistakes so pearl and garnet dont find out. I think i’d like a progression of Am’ refusing to apologize to Vidalia, realizing that she was wrong and apologizing to greg, but he breaks down and can’t move past that, rendering their friendship difficult and strained as a “sometimes apologizing isnt enough and you have to change your behavior“ and then the third beat with peridot either not happening at all, where she doesnt throw someone’s comfort items into the ocean which, i think steven shouldve realized and stopped her from doing anyway, BUT if you just NEED that mistake on her part, i feel like this could be a “sometimes, you dont know how bad you hurt someone and you should apologize when you find out“ with peridot being hurt and not talking to her and amethyst has to do a big gesture to show shes sorry. I also feel like that fleshes out amedot as a ship and while i dont care about who peridot ends up with, i care about story and the way im going to make this story go, lapis will be in that fun moral grey area and i want more options in terms of story telling and of fan choice. Also!!! explore the possibility of her being deep cut and thats why shes a runt. she only looks smaller but has all these strengths because of it!!! it fits in really well and bismuth or peridot maybe because she was made for kindergardening, could tell her about it and watch her get excited because shes not ”wrong“ she never came out “wrong“ shes just different and thats okay!

Pearl: Was white diamond’s pearl, first of all! that makes every interaction more interesting, because no only did she defect from homeworld, but she defected from the Queen of homeworld and everything it stood for basically. We learn more about how homeworld operates and what places in society each gem fits from pearl, because while she doesn’t believe it herself, she isn’t kept from talking about diamonds now and what one she served. in this funky fresh au, she is sent by white to make sure the new diamond they’re cultivating from earth comes out properly (aka where the fuck did russia go) and getting her equipped with all of the technology she would need to properly rule. this is where she first meets a quartz soldier. at first she’s taken aback by the quartz’s forwardness, no one had ever talked to her like... an equal before. shes not sure if shes allowed to speak, though, she knows theyre waiting for a response. Their first interactions always begin with her requesting permission to speak. They have to wait a few more years for pink to emerge and while they’re there they slowly become friends as the life is leeched out of the area. we could have a snapshots of them waiting for together, rose getting bored and convincing pearl to come do things with her, slowly breaking her out of her shell. Pearl’s difficulty and character arc comes from not just rose and getting over her feelings, which is perfectly fine, but doesnt need to be her only trait, but finding out who she is now, not just after rose, but with humanity as a whole. with the war well and truly over. she wants to learn about what rose thought was so important to fight for, to die for, and because of that, we get her partaking in human activities that arent eating or drinking, because she still dislikes them. While Garnet reads and collects books, i think pearl being really into her weapons collection is a good idea to flesh her out more. Where did she get her swords from? Well thats a mystery. She mentions someone she cared about a long time ago made them for her and thus we get some fun bismuth foreshadowing.

Rose:  And rose..... god... we could of had it all by adele plays in the background anytime i think about her. Here we have a very beautiful fat woman. Shes framed as elegant and regal by the show time and time again and i LOVED that. however after the pink diamond reveal, I have such mixed feelings about her. No more diamond bullshit. Shes the first gem that popped out. Technically she’s too early and she goes to stand guard around the birthplace of her diamond. That is where she and pearl first meet. Pearl is the first gem she ever talks to and while she innately knows stuff about home world, shes pick up a lot from the humans that live nearby. theyve shown her kindness and given her furs to wear and in turn she helped them heal their wounded by crying on them. (yes she still has healing powers sue me) she loves the humans and takes to befriending them before pearl shows up. The two of them get close and after pink diamond pops out, rose realizes what the creation of gems truly means for the world around her. They’re killing what was here before them. This isn’t creation. It’s an invasion. Being the only quartz out so far, shes forced into the role of commander for pink. Her favored soldier. And the more she does what she was “made for” the more she hates it and the more she hates the diamond authority. she convinces pink that some humans are worth keeping. As a curiosity, my diamond. they could prove useful to terraforming other planets or moons to accept life and in time, gem cultivation.  She gets poofed while trying to save someone from the group of people she first made friends with. Maybe pink shatters whoever poofed her for not following her orders because of course Rose wouldnt defy her. rose is Loyal, unlike the rest of you lack luster garbage. Rose comes back with her iconic dress and shes here and queer and shes fucking Done with this shit. she hears about the shattering on her behalf and she goes to pink and asks why and she feels sick to her stomach because star, my diamond, she isnt Worth it. she isnt worth the cost of someone else’s whole Life!!! Oh rose... you’ve always been soft hearted. in this time, Pearl is quietly there. waiting to be called back by white as pink pearl has just been sent to take her place. And this is it. This is the moment rose decides to rebel. according to homeworld, her life should be no more than any other quartz. her life shouldnt be traded for that of others. So why? Why did pink do this? Do the gems in her court mean nothing to her? This is the first time a gem has ever summoned two weapons. A Sword and Shield. A knight turning on her master. She tried to attack pink. to poof her. to send a message right here and now that gems are all equal. that a lowly rose quartz is strong enough to take on a diamond! She fails, but only partly. she manages to strike a blow, but pink stays in tact long enough to strike on of her own, sending rose retreating into her gem. This is when pearl has to make a choice. No matter what she’d be shattered. Pink’s wrath when she reforms, white’s when she finds out about what happened. This is a death sentence. But if its a death sentence, its one she’ll choose for herself. she takes rose’s shield and uses the face of it to shatter pink herself, scooping up rose’s gem and getting as far away as fast as she can. This is the start of a war.

Steven: Oh boi. So i love steven, but theres moments where hes just... not good and the story doesnt stop him from doing that. So if were gonna say hes a kid with emotion based powers, we know hes soft and sweet and excitable. sometimes he pushes people too far because hes trying to do what he thinks is best. I want him to wrestle with the fact that his mom, this person everyone says is good, killed someone. she did something so horrible and she never killed anyone again, but she still did it once. I’d like him to get bits and pieces of his mothers memories and so we get to see the world and flashback things that happened in real time. Maybe he tries to talk to pearl about it, but she still wont instead of cant. He feels like an outcast and everyone would rather his mom be there, but they have him instead. basically a lot of his earlier character arc stuff before garnet and pearl talk to him about how homeworld was. They dont think hes old enough to hear about war, but it seems war is coming back and hes unprepared to face it without learning more. he facilitates more interactions with the townies and now its not just a war of gems against gems, they have humans on their side too and they’ll win!  

Fandom OCs

I'm about to share my boy with you. He's very special to me and he really carried me through rough times, I loved writing him and rping him and he means a lot to me. So I hope you like him too. ^^

Marvel: Milan Egbert Oomen AKA Projekt Akela

Milan Oomen is born in Antwerpen, Belgium on the evening of July 4th, 1918. Right at the end of the first world war. His mother Arianne had an affair with a man named Victor Creed. Something her husband Sander never found out about. Milan doesn’t know of his true heritage. Milan moved to the countryside one year after his birth and grew up there. His childhood was relatively uneventful and normal until he turned 15.

When Milan was 15 his mutation kicked in for the first time when Milan fell out of a tree and broke his arm. The arm set itself in minutes at an odd angle and a crying Milan was transported to the nearest hospital to re-break and reset his arm. After that his parents kept Milan hidden away on the countryside until he turned 20. At that age he immigrated to the United States.

When he arrived in the United States Milan couldn’t speak English and because of it he had to scrape by to even get food. Eventually he got better at it and he managed to land a job at the warf. He could afford a small apartment and food from that point on.

In 1941 Pearl Harbor was attacked and it made Milan sign up for the US Army. He asked to be deployed in the pacific as opposed to Europe, he didn’t want to witness the devastation to his country and family. But what he saw in the pacific wasn’t much better. He still has nightmares about the horrors he witnessed. From villagers being used as suicide bombers to American soldiers using Japanese corpses for entertainment.

    In 1945 he traveled to Hiroshima and stayed there for a month, he witnessed little boy fall down from the sky and scrambled for cover. Due to his healing factor he survived the atomic bombing and recovered after a few weeks of regenerating. The US Army pulled him back and kept him on a secret base for most of the time. He served in the cold army in an espionage division in St. Petersburg Russia, he was eventually caught and executed with his fellow soldiers. Milan was the only one that survived and he was imprisoned by the Russians. During an American mission Milan was rescued and brought back to the states.

In 1972 he met Sarah Brown during a leave in Hawaii and after ten years of dating her he married her. Not long after their marriage Sarah was expecting their first child. When she was 8 months pregnant Milan was called away to base and she was attacked in their apartment building by a heroine addict who had gotten in and pushed down the stairs. The fall killed her instantly, she broke her back. Milan heard of the incident over the radio in his truck and rushed back home. Her baby was retrieved through a C-section but after a fifteen minute trip to the nearest hospital the baby died in Milan’s arms.

To say it left a mark on him is an understatement, a part of him died that day. Broken and with no will to live Milan tried to kill himself by placing a gun against his head and pulling the trigger. He woke up two days later in a hospital bed. Many years went by, in which Milan attempted many more times to take his own life. All failed and the mentally broken man became a ghost. He lived, breathed and did his job but that’s all he did.

In 1985 Milan was recruited for a special Army devision called NEST, a team that specializes in counter terrorism. He worked hard till he took over the leadership position in 2000. Due to most of the team being older then allowed a new team was recruited.

Not long after taking command of the NEST Team in Kansas, Milan met Kuga. The feral was on leave at the time and he spend a couple of weeks camping in the woods just one mile from Kuga’s home. Kuga came back to Milan every single day and a father/daughter bond slowly developed. Kuga’s little brother James came along with her after a couple of days and he too, took to Milan quite easily. Milan found himself fathering the two young children of 10 and 7 and decided to adopt them as his own after he heard of possible abuse towards Kuga. His request was denied by the court as there was no physical evidence of abuse going on. Milan couldn’t return for James and kuga and instead was kept on acitve duty to train for a new mission.

In 2003 Milan and his team served in the Iraq war where he dealt with his nightmares all over again. He’s directly responsible for the death of several civilians because he led them into a building that was later bombed. He blames himself for that.

In 2008 Milan took the mutant cure that became available, the cure wasn’t permanent however and Milan was forced to live on.

From 2008 till 2010 Milan gets on SHIELD’s radar and several security checks and evaluations are done to determine if he’s possible agent material. He passes and in 2010 he joins the ranks of SHIELD. He’s currently a level 4 agent working for SHIELD’s undercover department. SHIELD has a contract for him with the Army, it states that as long as he’s on active field duty he’s working for SHIELD. If events were to force him to go off active duty he’d have to return to the army.

    Milan is currently on probation after the events of the Galoyan rescue mission and the army is about to pull him out of SHIELD. That doesn’t stop him from trying to get along with the other agents though. He’ll try anything to keep his job at SHIELD, even if it means quitting the army.

Milan was pulled off active duty and he was forced to return to the Army. He worked closely with SHIELD agents of the undercover department. Mostly doing their paperwork.

And then, SHIELD fell.

After the fall of SHIELD Milan was picked up and rescued by HYDRA. The organisation captured and imprisoned him, performing multiple experiments on him. They extracted parts of his DNA in order to study his healing factor and replicate it for their next line of super soldiers. They also extracted his ability to see, smell and hear at phenomenal levels. His strength and agility markers were also copied and stored for future use. HYDRA wiped Milan’s memory after they collected all they needed and activated the implants in his brain. He stood under their full control and obeyed every command they gave him. Milan assassinated several SHIELD agents under their command.

After several test runs the implants failed, now only working at 30% capacity. With the failing of his implants, his memory returned to him. Not much, only about 10% but it’s something. He remembers three names of his past, Kuga, James and Bryce. He has no idea who these people are, just that they are somehow important to him.

Milan escaped the compound and ended up in Lebanon, Kansas. 

And My current two projects: The Barnes/Brock twins (I am aware this is very self indulgent and it's probably not any good, but I'm having fun. And that's what matters.)

Ben Barnes & Jacen Barnes (Both 17 post SM: Homecoming, timeline ignores IW)

Benjamin Edward Brock-Barnes, born as Ellie Barnes and his brother Jacen Barnes were born to Lauren Barnes and Edward Brock Jr in Queens, NYC.  Ben and Jace's father was already out of the picture at their time of birth and both boys were raised by their mother. They are the great grandchildren of Rebecca Barnes, sister to James Buchanan Barnes, and the best friends of Peter Parker and Ned Leeds (Ben) and Michelle "MJ" Jones (Jacen). 

Ben wants to be an investigative Journalist and when he's not out scouting for the latest scoop in NYC, he's bugging Peter and Ned on how they can set up their own News network. Where Peter can do their photography and Ned can run the newspaper, of course.

Jacen is more interested in his blogging activities where he calls out the injustice of the world and posts about the protests he joins whenever there's no school going on. He's often joined by Michelle in this.

Ben struggles with his trans identity and being recognized for it while Jacen is more comfortable in his gay and queer identity.

When a field trip to San Fransisco goes haywire the twins are introduced to a slimier set of twins named Sleeper and Hybrid. Shenanigans ensue with the help of Spiderman, the man in the chair and justicegirl101 and before they know it, the twins are bonded to their own symbiote siblings and they're thrown into the fight of their lives.

Venom and Eddie suddenly have a lot of parenting work to do.

And that's what I got on them so far. ha, this was fun. But it also got waay to long. So that's all I'll share today. I've got way more though.

Larissa notes:

Oh my god these are amazing , the top one is my favourite though by far!! So well thoughtout and planned i am in awe! Im in love with Milan :3

Thankyou so much for sharing them with me!

[In Your Shadow]: Birds of a Fetter

Vaulting cry, yet unheard blows,

Mustering forth mine false pretenses,

Words taking wing,

Her chorus disdain sows,

Yet the Forest reeleth un’er evil tenses.

 The howl of gnawing bark and whipping currents yielded what scarce outcry it could, as the Slipstream of Nophica’s garden took to toiling underneath the staunch command of The Maiden. Taxed had the land long since slumbered, and once more yet did the land now see itself beckoned to full, albeit frail assault.

 Veins of aether could not be dissuaded from splintering open--notch by notch did their steady course begin to ripple, to wear and tear underneath the implacable word of her who would bend tide and twig to erect ward--all to see the will of her heart carried out to fruition. Her protégé, the Forest. Her amiable charge, trophy, forlorn vestige of sanctity. This, however, hardly served to deliver the chilling venom of her puncturing laments into the sanguine vessels of the proclaimed deceiver--a gallant stride of winds broke into a free gallop from the open skydom, ransacking the exposed glade with a torrent of soothing, warm air--the breath of spring came to fend autumn’s wrath, and smooth were its blades; the strips of wind conveyed greater calm, and under their decree did the boughs embrace warmth; under their comb did blades of emerald slick backwards, bent with ribbons of sheen most pale showering them from the True Moon.

 Vexed had she come to grow, yet further still had her own ambitions eclipsed the diminishing succor of the Shroud--the Wood ached, the Aether spilled in drying rivulets, the balance offset by a meager sway of her hand. When had her fingers been extorted of the finesse of their touch, in how it shifted and morphed the land with but a simple knit of her brow, and a snap of her digits? Had even the Maiden’s influence grown so palpably dim, wrestled from control?

 The truth began to bleed into a great fold of answers--and for every inquiry settled, two more would rise to assume its place, to validate befuddlement evermore. No, this was a picture of calamitous proportions and dire urgency--and the only approach commanded a tackling of the roots themselves.

“Yours is not scorn to bequeath,” the harrying cry bent against her ears, stirring upon humming strings of wind, kissing her lips--hers was not a glow to be calmed, a flare insurmountable in the eye of the storm--and where the Forest obliged the placating graces, hers would be the flame bereft of pacification--irreconcilable with the harrowing essence of he-who-would-intrude-her-realm so intrepidly.

“I am come cloaked by neither malice nor taint, and yet you strikest at me so. Vaunted are the words chanting from Your lips, yet what use do your broken shackles o’ past-long-dissipated toil un’er, as you willingly latch them on anew, with each chaining dance of violence you promise upon me and mine?”

 Insult to injury. The convoluted treaty conceived betwixt the Maiden and the treants only furthered the dominion of his mind over the matter at hand--her cruelty wanted not for means, and her ways ordained worse fates yet upon those on which her hammer fell. An ally tangled in the weeds and tethers born of gravel, cradled by gentle seeps of spring-rain, and nurtured forth by the writ of sunlight etching into their stems and barks.

 Judgement was come now unto the cauldron boiling within the Woods, and enacted would it come to be under the precipice of swift words--and yet mellow claims. Rather than to breeze past gritting bark and lulling bough with his voice, the infiltrator fled to words from another vantage point; from the moonlit glade he dove into the conference of Elezen and Roegadyn alike, yet no trace would derive his footing; no. Ephemeral was he of make, and so too would his voice fashion itself a collected, stalwart demeanor.

“You stand here, suffering the anticipation of a strike, but not for long--strike if you will, but heavy shall your heart rest, if aught of it remains apiece, and not riddled with holes of hollow chants. Yours is the hand that sheds the blood, Maiden--for that is no slave nor servant of mine. The avian which you seek to undo answers to the beck and call o’ the Forest alone, and while an ally he may be, his path belongeth to the Woods, neither fraught by chain, leash or shackle. Strike, and see if I speak true--but think not that I will not mourn innocent blood shed once more by Her, the warden of these timeless lakes and delved dells.”

 Yet his eyes bespoke no deceit--the moment they learned of the sky’s darkness did the raven-whisperer know it to be true. The queer presence began to fester and dine upon the very marrow of the woods... It had climbed the skies far, far above, supping gingerly at first--and expanding its fast to feast in but the blink of an eye. The land would suffer this turmoil for little-a-while longer, ere it completely turned over, with naught more to show for its vehement tribulation.

“I take my leave... For now, as does the gift I imparted most genuinely unto thee. We will meet yet again, and sooner for that chance--and but once more will mine hand extend to thine, but the circumstances... Will bleed us into a far more dire season. Doubt my intent you may, but my bearings of gifts--never. Steel yourself, maiden o’ youth--seek out Her who dwelleth in these shrubs and thickets ever since days o’ eld, and seek out Her council. Part not from He, the blade at thine side, for yet shall the hour grow dark, and the fate in thine heart become strung with strings of strain, tied to doubt and dismay.

I take my leave... For now. Press on light o’ step, but heavy o’ ponder--for mine words I give not out in charity wholly. There is unseen evil afoot... Sinister, barbarous savagery that does not slumber. Deep within the heart of the forest shall it rally, and such a heart will it seek to despoil and desecrate. Yours is but to do... Or die.

I take my leave... For now. Command Him as thou sees fit, and laden your choice with great haste--for as I depart, so too will thee stand between the blade thee thyself commanded to lash out, and the blood-drenched plumage of but an innocent ally of the forest, and child of the boughs.”

 The terrible voice--as it had come to grow at the conceding hint of dialogue--swept yonder with the hurrying wind, carried past the encircling crowns of evergreen boughs that dotted the skyline. The myriad of emerald orbs, gleaming in the distant, coolant shade... Were no more. A thunderous clap of wings began to rile the folds and murky roofs of trees until all were no more, save for a lonely raven, still left at the mercy of a felling stroke--and time then, for her, came to a passing flow. 

“...Shroudmaiden? Anything in the wrong? You looked like you have encountered a gho--” It was then that her previous command had only come to pass--his ears bristled in the brisk sweep of the wind’s wings, and immediately would he cater to her summons. Time had never truly ceased to trickle past, no--but such was the way with this particular infiltrator that his telepathy traveled faster than the lapse of time allowed in the real world, creating the illusion of a chronotriggered standstill. His mind was, after all, made known to her and her only, as the pieces would soon begin to fall into place and play.

Before her had the Roegadyn sprung, with an ebony dagger grasped from its hilt--and with great stupor did he march out to meet the restricted denizen of the woods, as her own tongue had willed it.

                             Coup de grâce.

Ghosts

Theon finds a safe place.

It was a queer thing, to be a lifeline to ghosts.  

When the youngest Greyjoy looked back on his life, he saw little else but shades haunting the Seven Kingdoms.  Some were simply out of sight, such as Stannis and his hungry followers, Jeyne and the bloodless banker.   Others still he had made disappear, those who were ghosts in all senses but the truth.  Bran and little Rickon were the ones who came to mind.  The last of them were truly dead, whose memory was the only part of them like to stir.  Eddard and Catelyn, Robb and his faithful lieutenants, even his own father.  Though he never really believed it, Ramsay Bolton had been counted among the departed as well.  No, Snow, he corrected himself, I remembered my name, and now it is safe to remember his.

Theon had left them all behind on the mainland, and now he had only his sister to provide living experience which punctuated his long periods of memory.  He had seen so much and played so many parts; looking back on it made him feel as though he had lived through several lives instead of a fraction of one.  Remembering was exhausting.  That, and keeping from falling apart aboard the ship that took them westward.  He had been eating more regularly since Stannis had allowed him to walk free, but finding his sea legs was a losing battle with his missing toes.  

The fiery king had sent them to their Isles so that Asha might recover her Glover hostages from Ten Towers, but it was also a sort of reward for their contribution to the capture of Winterfell.  As with all kindnesses that Stannis extended, this was a thin and hollow one.  The ship, which had once been under his sister’s command, was now crewed entirely by Northmen and Stormlanders.  The Baratheon would not trust the Ironborn to do as they were bid, it would seem.

Theon could hardly blame the man: their culture had revolved around tricking and betraying the green lands, and he himself had taken up that role when he was whole.  Even now, beneath the decks of their commandeered ship, his sister whispered of Torgon the Latecomer and annulling the Kingsmoot.  

“We must find Tarle, or perhaps the Old Grey Gull,” she told him one evening when the men aboard had indulged in a discovered cask of rum.  “The Damphair has been missing since before I was captured: I doubt that Crow’s Eye let him live.”

“Asha...”

“We can look for a Drowned Priest after we leave the ship.  It is not as though these would-be seafarers could force us back aboard before we were done.”

“Asha, please...”

“We tell the Drowned Priest, the Reader, and whoever else might listen.  You were not present, you are-”

“Sister.“

She had been looking at him the whole time, but only now did she seem to see him.  “What is it you wish to add, brother?” 

“I-,” his tongue was locked for a moment, “I want to see Mother, before anything else.”  Theon had many shames in his heart, but heaviest among them was his neglect of Lady Alannys when he had returned to the Isles.  It seemed a lifetime ago; he wondered if she thought him dead.  

Asha’s face softened upon hearing his words.  “Oh, Theon...”  Pity swam in her eyes, filling him with a brief, cold rage that exhausted his already weary body.   How can she expect to overturn Euron if she cannot look upon me without such sorrow?  “She has changed, little brother.  Her health and her grief have wasted her away.  The only Theon she knows is the ten-year-old boy that was taken from her.  Our lady mother is not the woman you knew.”

“I have changed, too, or have you forgotten?”  The younger Greyjoy edged his voice, bristling against his sister’s commiseration.  His hair was growing back stronger and darker, and he had gained color and weight after a time, but no one who had known him would say he looked as he once did.  “She may be different, as I am, yet she is still my mother, and I her son.”

“As you say.”  She offered the same sad voice, the same sad glance.  “I will make preparations with the Reader in that time, but then we find a Drowned Priest together, if my sweet husband has left any living on the Isles.”

They spoke little to each other for the rest of the journey to Ten Towers, for too many of the eyes and ears aboard the vessel that might confine them to their cabins if they suspected Asha’s bold plan.  They will find out soon enough, Theon knew, but they are too few to deny us freedom under Uncle Rodrik’s own roof.  

The Crow’s Eye had spies within the castle walls, Theon did not doubt, but there were no captors waiting for them when the ship made port under cover of night.  He did not think he could feel fear quite the same after escaping Winterfell, yet his bowels coiled like a nest of angry snakes as they passed beneath the dockyard gates under the impassive eyes of the guards.  Ramsay was cruel and sadistic, he remembered, but Euron is evil, and evil is far worse.  

A withered old woman met them in the entrance hall, more bent and hollowed than the steward of Pyke.  “Ah, m’lady,” she said to Asha through her one tooth.  “We did not ‘spect you back.  Will yer party be needin’ food and drink?”  She spared only half a glance at Theon; clearly, Rodrik’s steward did not recognize him.  

“Ale, maybe,” his sister replied, “but they can  eat of their own stores.”  She gave the southron king’s men a glance that dared them to speak against her, but they remained silent.  “Wake the lord, I will want to speak to him of the other guests he has kept in my name.  I will meet with him in his Book Tower study.”

“Beggin’ yer pardons m’lady, but the Lord o’ Harlaw is sleepin’.  Y’can break yer fast with him come mornin’.”

“I am certain that if my nuncle is not up reading in the Book Tower as we speak, then he is reading in his chambers.  You will find him, or I will.”

A belligerent silence passed between the two before Three-Tooth turned to find the Lord of Ten Towers.  With a brief promise of return to their would-be wardens, the two left the hall and made their way to the ring of stone walks and bridges that connected the asymmetrical keeps.

It was a small mercy that the Widow’s Tower was nearer than the Book Tower: Theon’s crabbed gait made ascending stairs and crossing hallways its own kind of torture.  Asha stopped before the corridor that joined the individual structure to the whole.  When he asked if she would not greet their mother before leaving, she shook her head.  “There are preparations that must be made immediately, Theon,” she declined, not unkindly.  “Besides, I believe it might be best that the two of you be alone for this reunion.”

It would be too sad for her, he knew from the look in her eyes.  Her mother and brother have become too piteous for her to bear all at once.  Part of him wanted to resent Asha, but he knew that if he were still whole, and she in his place, he would feel much the same.  The old Theon Greyjoy could not abide weak or broken things...

So it was that he limped his way to his mother’s chambers.  The Widow’s Tower was kept well-lit, even past the hour of the wolf, with torches in nearly every sconce to drive away the insistent damp of the Isles.  He knew his mother had a sickness of the chest, but he wondered if the fires were not also present to keep the gloom from overwhelming Alannys and her half-mad sister.  The tower was also better decorated than the walkway had been, with faded tapestries of scenes only the Ironborn could appreciate.  He passed a moth-eaten depiction of Nagga’s Hill, a tableau of a kraken and leviathan in battle, and a number of scythes woven in silver samite.  

He stopped before a door that he had been told led to his mother’s room.  So great was the conflict that had collected within him that he could not bring himself to lay a crippled hand upon the grip.  What if she does not recognize me and, he worried.  What if she is frightened of my appearance?  What if her grief overwhelms her? 

What if she cannot forgive me for not coming to her sooner?

He was surprised to hear the soft tones of music from the other side of the door. She is awake. His mother was playing her harp, from the sound of it, and Theon thought that he could even hear her singing as well.  He could not identify the song, muffled as it was, but the notes were warm and the tempo was slow.  Finally, he gathered his courage and rapped upon the door with his better hand.  

“May I enter, Lady Alannys?”  He thought about adding that her son had returned but decided against it.  Better I tell her after she has seen me, rather than before, that she might adjust to my appearance.

The music stopped, and the moment of silence afterward felt thick with its absence.  “Enter if you must, but I am not drinking any more dream wine,” came the muted reply.  She must think I am the maester.  With a gentle tug, Theon pulled the door open and stepped inside.  

The air was warm and close, even compared to the torch-studded halls without.  The furniture was sparse: only a pair of chairs, a small table covered in books and scarcely touched food, a tall and undecorated wardrobe, and a wide bed piled high with thick blankets.  Alannys Greyjoy was seated on one of the chairs, harp laid across her lap.  She was in a thick woolen nightgown and nearly swaddled in blankets.  Her hair was long, grey and unkempt, not the neatly kept brown locks that Theon had remembered from childhood.  The eyes that met his were rheumy and rimmed with red, as though she had been weeping recently.  Her gaze was absent, and she seemed hardly to see him as he approached her.  The woman before him made his heart throb with more pain than he had felt since he had escaped the Bastard of Bolton.  

“Mother.” His voice trembled with emotion.  “It’s me, your son.  It’s Theon.”

Alannys’s attention seemed to come into focus then, and the stare that she fixed him with was clear and lucid.  She rose from her seat, her instrument tumbling onto the stone floor with a dissonant clatter.  Balon’s widow approached him slowly and silently, boring into him with her eyes.  

“Mother, I know-”

The Harlaw woman placed two woefully thin hands on his cheeks, pressing insistently as if to assay whether he was real.  “My boy...” she whispered.  It was not the wistful voice of a grieving and delusional parent, as Asha would have him believe.  

“I know I do not look the same,” Theon continued, unsure of how else to proceed.  “Much has happened to me since...”

His mother angled his head down so that they were only a breath apart.  “It does not matter what has happened,” she told him with a fierceness that tightened her face.  “I would always know my boy.”

They both wept then; Alannys into his chest and Theon into her hair.  It was the most exultant cry that the young kraken had ever had in his life.  It was as if all of the fear and pain and grief he had kept within him was flooding out in a sea of salty tears.  Mother and son clung to each other with a strength that had left them long ago.  “I am so sorry,” he tried to say, but she shook her head and looked back up at him with damp eyes.

“This is not your fault, my boy,” Alannys responded, tears still streaming along the lines of her face.  “You were taken and you were hurt, but now you are home.”  Theon doubted she knew all of his own role in his fate, or what exactly had befallen him since he left the wardship of the Starks, but decided that it could hold.  

“Yes mother, I am home,” was his reply.  “I am happy to be home, to be here with you.”  He did not want to be made a king by some contention in the laws of the Kingsmoot.  He had known that since Asha first told him of Torgon the Latecomer.  He had none of the desires of the old Theon Greyjoy, to rule in Pyke after his father.  He did not want to dwell with the ghosts in Winterfell as he had when he was Reek.  He most was most certainly not interested in resuming his place as a hostage under Stannis Baratheon.  He had a lifetime of roles that he no longer wished to play, but he had no notion of where he wanted to be instead.  Until now, he knew.  

Dawn crept into the Widow’s Tower, and Theon held his mother close.