A writer and His number one fan hater

a while back i saw some ppl heavily criticize agit to the point of saying it was a shitty graphic novel, and they had a lot to say that i could retaliate with even more of my own words, but i wont do that to yall. i do wanna highlight one thing they complained about tho and that was how the gn gave dan a second chance (they included vlad in this but im talking about dn rn)

my initial, simpler thought was "girl shut up" which i still also feel. but my more thought out response is...wasnt that the point of the ending of tue??? not necessarily in dan's case per se, but the whole "maybe that's all anybody needs--a second chance" line, and "you've given everyone else in your life a second chance--why not you?" honestly tell me that (whether on purpose or on accident) they were implying everyone--EVERYONE--deserves a second chance, and to me that includes dan (and vlad).

not only that, but the people were complaining about how dan and vlad got some flavor of redemption arc at least starting, and how theyre "supposed to be villains". girl what. not every villain has to be irredeemable and die awfully all alone. also, maybe....just maybe....they were aiming to make vlad and dan just a bit deeper than a fucking puddle. yknow. give them a LITTLE bit more dimension, like good characters would have.

its early in the morning so i wasnt able to properly articulate all that i had thought when i saw these responses..but i hope i got the gist across?? idk. people were being OVERLY HARSH about the execution of this graphic novel, and while it particularly hurts me to see because i absolutely adored it myself, i also think theyre just generally being overly critical of something that i think was actually rly fucking good and needed and welcome.

(they also said really fucking mean things about the art, even going as far as saying it was worse than BUTCH'S, so i actually dont think these people were speaking in good faith in the first place lol. but thats another post i guess)

ik i just sent an ask yesterday but i need to send another

whatre your favorite boss attacks

a) from a gamplay standpoint

b) based on spectacle

and c) from a lore standpoint

personally (rtdl deluxe warning) the double black hole attack from the final boss is super cool and a great and creative way to buff and old move that wasnt much of a challenge

in terms of spectacle hearing the cutesy "and here we are" before chaos elfilis tears open the most violent black hole in the series is such an amazing moment and an incredible way to set the mood

in terms of lore i love the shared attacks like the paintballs and massive fireball attacks that a ton of bosses have that are used to relate them to each other

sorry for the long ask i just had this idea yesterday and needed to ask someone bc i have NOBODY to spill my kirby thoughts on and you happened to be in the crosshairs of my mental illness sniper rifle

honestly, i want to thank you for such thorough and in depth asks! i love having discussions like this, so don't worry :)

sorry if i take a bit to respond to these though, i just want to actually make a good response so i wait for the moment my brain functions properly to articulate my points.

anyways, my favorite boss attacks...

from gameplay standpoint... probably that attack from queen sectonia fight where she teleports all over the place. probably not the fanciest description but you KNOW the one. it's just very fun for me to try and predict where she ends up being so you can both avoid an upcoming damage and make it in time to be able to attack yourself.

based on spectacle... honestly i don't think anything will quite compare to me (at least until next new mainline comes out lol) with the chaos elfilis attack where he just grows GIGANTIC in the background. like holy shit this actually made me feel incredibly scared when i first reached that fight, it leaves a very strong impression on you.

in terms of lore it's kind of hard to say for me, because, imo not a LOT of bosses in the series actually managed to retain good balance of "gameplay storytelling" and "reference for the reference's sake". being said, MAGOLOR EPILOGUE SPOILERS

i love how master crown's laser attack is literally THE SAME attack void termina used with it's master crown move. not only it looks very impressive visually, it's a great bit of genuine connection/continuity that really makes you think about what kind of relationship void and master crown have. did ancients use power of void to create master crown in the first place? or void itself created one and ancients just said that they made it? a lot of stuff to think about!

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

TSC Villains: Ranked from Most to Least Favorite

Listen, I adore The Shadowhunter Chronicles, but the villains have always been iffy for me. This list is purely opinion based, not factual at all.

Note: I havent included Samael or Janus. Samael, cuz I havent reached his parts yet in TLBOTW; Janus, cuz I wanna see how he is in TWP first before making any opinions of how he is as an antagonist.

1. The Cohort- Probably makes me a hypocrite since, much like the others, they're also cartoonishly evil with no redeemable qualities at all. But! Theyre memorable! This is villainy at its most entertaining! Every scene a Cohort member (cough cough Zara cough cough) was in, I kept wanting them to die, get smacked around, have their spine get ripped out and crunched. I felt something more than apathy or vague disappointment!

2. Shinyun Jung- In the spin-offs but she still counts! I didn't like how cartoonishly evil she became in the second book. Like, at all. Still way higher cuz of her portrayal in the first book, her interesting relationship with Magnus, and having a lot of good lines. Bigger bigger disappointment than Annabel and Malcolm, but at least I enjoy her more. Heck, one could even say I liked her.

3. Annabel Blackthorn- An even bigger disappointment than Malcolm. We did not get to know her very well, but at least some of her scenes were memorable. I appreciate Cassie's efforts in trying to write a non-evil villain.

4. Malcolm Fade- Truly disappointing villain. I thought I'd put him higher, but at a reread I realized he wasnt there that often. I really did like his absemtminded persona in the beginning, and he was actually close to killing Tavvy if it weren't for the Blackthorns finding hom out in time. He even got to resurrect Annabel successfully! Even if it ended horribly for him, he technically won in the end. Also. The diary entries in the cottage. Breaks my heart for what could have been, and makes me want to see a short story about their doomed romance.

You know what, maybe I put him so high cuz Im a sucker for a tragic romance. I did say this list was purely opinion-based.

5. Tatiana Lightwood- Putting her around the lower middle cuz so far I don't really...feel anything for her? I like her feelings and relationship with Jesse and Grace? The dress parrallel with Miss Haversham makes a super cool image? I'd have liked it more if we got to see some complicated feelings towards her brothers, cuz really all I saw was blind hate/willful ignorance towards their father's death, and some annoying complaining about them not giving her enough. Just /some/ sign of attachment, or grudging fondness towards their childhood. Maybe we'd hear more about the relationship with their father? Idk, her scenes in the books/extras dont even fill me with dread. She's just kind of...there for the conflict. But who knows? She could get better later on, we're only at one book for now anyways.

6. Sebastian Morgenstern- Don't care about this guy at all. Nope. He at least got some cool lines and sympathy points, where you actually got to see him in a casual setting, and his death and backstory were nice. Otherwise I hate him, demon blood!Sebastian was an irredeemable monster. Idk, I know that a villain can have no redeemable or human side whatsoever (ie Joker) and still be good. But I also know that I don't feel this way about him. Who knows? It's been a while since I've reread the whole series, so I can't really articulate the exact scenes or reasons why I put him this low, I just know what there's a reason.

7. Valentine Morgenstern- Would honestly been eighth place if it werent for his appearances in the spin offs, where you got to see him deal with the other Circle members. I didnt care about this guy much.

8. Axel Mortmain. I mean this one was obvious??? TID hada lot of good stuff in it, but it was definitely not the villain. I dont even... remember him?? Or a lot of his actions?? The only thing I found noteworthy was his backstory (10/10 good motivation) but it doesn't even do anything cuz a lot of the sympathy that can be gained there wasn't done correctly. I think I remember him finally being able to talk to his dad, and instead of being sad or touching-you know, cuz he finally met the father he lost- I didnt really feel anything of that? I dunno, I could be wrong. It's been a while.

romanticized asks do all the evens motherfucker

i’ll hunt you for sport

2. if someone were to catch Hanahaki disease for you, what flowers would they cough up?

thats such a loaded question god, fucking. green carnations i guess? simply cause of the gay coding of that flower idk man

4. tell us about your ideal battle outfit.

im gonna take this literally so base layer: nice linens, and then a silk shirt and pants. well fitted leather armor with a good range of motion, sturdy but flexible boots, leather arm guards, a swooping cloak and simple jeweled diadem

6. name five iconic quotes that make you feel things.

may butcher these i have a shit memory and i cant think of anything like. ‘iconic’ rly so bear with me

‘and don’t forget sam. frodo wouldn’t have gotten far without sam.’ ‘now mr frodo i was bein serious!’ ‘so was i.’ - lord of the rings

you’re right-- holiness is in the hands even if it’s always the head that gets haloed. - c.t. salazar

are you there, sweetheart? do you know me? is this microphone live? let me do it right for once. - richard siken

you cannot kill me in a way that matters - that tumblr post abt mushrooms

there is no greater innocence than our gentle sin - hozier

8. what combination of natural scents would you use as perfume?

manzanita, pine sap, forest duff, juniper, very earthy and sharp

10. describe yourself as if you were a storm.

on again off again all day rain, sometimes no more than a drizzle and sometimes a raging thunderstorm

12. honey in milk or cinnamon in tea?

yeah

14. curtains of beads or lace?

mmmmm beads i think cause of the click clacks

16. describe your ideal fantasy outfit

high waisted cotton pants and a poofy linen shirt, leather half corset, a couple belts for my sword and daggers, either no shoes or soft leather slippers, cape obviously and lots of jewelry

18. hard candy, fruit preserves or spice cake?

if i had to choose right now spice cake but like all of them depending on my mood

20. tying your hair up using ribbon, yay or nay?

hell fucking yes i just dont have long enough hair right now

22. tell us, in detail, about a curse a witch would put on you.

god fuck you uhhhh. probably like a curse to not be able to articulate myself? i would be able to get the general idea across but not what i Actually Meant wow that sounds like my personal hell

24. mint, rosemary, basil or sage?

mint or basil depending on my mood

26. tell us about an experience you’ve had that seemed unreal or supernatural. (doesn’t have to be scary)

ok so 2018 i did a haunted house and for the first few days i was behind a door that essentially led to a service hallway fr the security cause there was a lot of people instead of like, an actual scare spot in one of the rooms and it was great UNTIL i started hearing knocking from the wall behind me, and keep in mind this was a warehouse i was at the edge of the haunt there was nothing on the other side of me but the Outside so its not like one of the actors or patrons was knocking around behind me, a couple times i saw a stack of hat boxes jostle which was Not fun no sir i really hated it, this went on for a couple nights before one night it was a slow period and i was standing by my door waiting to hear someone come in, and let me clarify the setting a little bit i was in a storage area so there was bins and shit all around me, and i was chilling and i heard smth like sliding behind me? and then a stack of empty tubs fucking slid into me and hit my shoulder. now this stack wasnt in danger of falling it was sitting back pretty stable on top of a pile of boxes so tldr a ghost shoved a pile of emtpy storage bins to try and hit me it sucked. it stopped after that and then i moved rooms after to fill out the necessary spots but it uhh sucked lol

28. tell us three sayings that you live by.

ah jeez um. lets see

do no harm, take no shit; it takes two to tango; curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back

30. describe your ideal masquerade ball outfit (mask included).

tailored three piece suit with a corset styled like a waistcoat, dress shoes with a small heel, cane with a handle styled like a big cat, maybe a panther or smth, full-face barn owl mask with pale filligree you have to get close in the right light to see clearly

32. what would you end up in the dungeon for?

homosexual activity and public dueling

34. if you could have any magical item, what would it be?

definitely a flying carpet

36. would you rather be a pirate or a king/queen?

pirate pirate pirate pirate 100 percent oh my GOD please let me sail the open seas with my gay lover

38. would you have a painting of yourself?

nah maybe if it was a group piece with my friends or s/o or smth but not a solo portrait

40. if you could live any fairy tale, which one would you?

idk i dont have the braincells to give this question a lot of thought, theoretically i guess but it depends on the fairy tale

alright motherfucker expect retaliation im coming for you

hi! so i've thought of myself as bi for ~six years now, but lately, i've been unsure of whether i'm actually attracted to guys or whether it's something performative for me? because societal expectations are that i'd like guys. i know for sure that i'm attracted to other girls, but a lot of times i don't know if i'm actually attracted to a guy or not. idk it also doesn't help that i'm 19 and i literally have 0 experience dating/kissing/whatever with anyone, so i can't distinguish my attractions.

well remember u dont have to have dating experience to have a sexual orientation tho it certainly can help define ur attractions more clearly if u do have experience there

i’m trying rly hard to think of a way to explain a reply to ur question but the only thing i can come up with based on thinking about my own similar question is like

like okay. if u dont mind i’m just gonna give an example and see if maybe that has some vague similarity with u and if it can help direct u in any way??

bc this concept is RLY difficult to articulate bc it’s like, just a deep feeling and feelings are felt. yes. totally. OK

so my first love was a girl. like, there was and still is no doubt that’s what it was and at the time i recognized it as such too. i met her in gym class in 9th grade and we became really good friends. we’d hang out and be those ppl who hate gym and slack off together it was very great lmao

i got to hang with her outside school now and again too and eventually it just hit me that i love this girl. not just like her as a friend but my heart absolutely melted being around her. when i think back on it now, the feeling there was this natural, soft sweet emotion. i didnt try to dress or act a certain way to get her approval, i didnt have to resort to any of those dumb flirting tricks to keep her interest, and i definitely didnt have to like hide aspects of myself in our friendship bc she was there for me as i was for her, u know? she didn’t feel the same for me as i did her bc i confessed my feelings for her one night but like... literally nothing changed between us afterward.

it was kind of like she acknowledged my stronger feelings and allowed me the space to experience them? she let me know her boundaries and i respected them while being able to just love her as she was. 

now all that is in comparison to the guy who was my HS boyfriend, who i was supposed to be in love with. like, the “courtship” (i dont know how else to term that part of our relationship bc it literally just. was like that) phase was me trying to outshine a few other girls who were also vying to be in a relationship with him. it’s like, he picked me as a contender and that sensation of being ~chosen~ for his interest made me go into this stupid competitive mode?? as if i had to out perform the other girls in order to attain his affections. there wasnt anything authentic about how he and i got together. people just... saw us talking and saw my interest in him and kind of pushed it along until eventually we did get together. 

granted that’s just one experience and is rather specific to my life but the gist there is that my first love happened naturally and was just one aspect of my friendship with her, whereas my relationship with that boy started from a place of competition and performance rather than two ppl with shared attraction pursuing something more. 

this is long idk if this helps at all but it’s literally the only thing i have to try and relate to ur experience and offer some kind of springboard reply for u ;_;

-mod peach

16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild. 

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java. 

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it. 

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary) 

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing.  this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now. 

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool. 

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there. 

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)

Im having complex thoughts on the Bolton shitshow second time around and how things were handled. I hate to say some of this but...

I have to say I think the narrative’s (not necessarily blaming any of the pov people but ..the writing) framing of Jeyne is outright victim blaming. That’s the central problem I have with it and now that I’m at this point I can articulate what is off about it. what I mean is- imagine if Theons entire narrative was just hammering it in that hes a “traitor” w/ the narrative never actually examining or empathizing with the horrible situation that he came from before he committed his greatest sins, with constant lines like “yea well x character in his place would have just been defiant if Ramsay did anything” all the time. if we can (and we should!) empathize with his own terrible situation that led to his conscious terrible choices...why can’t the narrative empathize with Jeyne’s terrible situation where she never once had a choice?

....she outright says she knows it isn’t her fault- right before the wedding happens- which given the context of how the narrative frames her is kind of worse than her not getting to have that moment. it’s not about her being allowed to have that moment, being allowed to say that her abuser can’t make her think he isnt the one at fault. it’s as insulting, maybe worse, as the show’s “this is my home and you can’t frighten me” which people rightly criticized (although tbh...as much as the show did a Bad Thing I feel like i disagree with the reasons why ppl didnt like it, and I disagree with how people reacted to Jeyne with two extremes: either the book handled her perfectly or she has no value narratively and shouldnt be in the story) but her arc as a whole just feels...callously done, as if the point is look at the irony of the Low Class Brothel Girl’s fate. It’s completely necessary to examine that even though she hasnt Done anything no one is ever going to see her as “innocent” for a lot of reasons, no one’s ever going to see her as a Good Woman- but the way she’s presented just isnt a nuanced view of that. I dont at all want to say that the narrative thinks what happens to her is ok but there’s a difference between “this is a bad thing to happen to someone” and “this is definitively Not Your Fault” and. ya. it’s not a good look and if Jeyne was “just there for the manpain” as some people say, that would mean (as “women who are there for manpain” are) she’d at least be designated as a Worthy Woman and not blamed, and not some bizarre take on the Goose Girl story. “Lying ‘Whore’ Gets Tortured”. tbh reminds me in a way of how the narrative did Pia.

It’s sad bc Theon’s arc is so good, but it’s so hard to overlook how Jeyne is done, that really undercuts a lot of it. he cares more about her than the narrative does. And the two of them are alike in that neither of them ever had a shot in hell. I know not everyone can be a main, it’s not about that. It’s that the fucked up girl always has to be beyond salvation, beyond deliverance, like a punishment for a crime. (tbh this is simultaneously why I wish grrm had written Theon as a girl...and also why he definitely wouldn’t have been able to... people would still have not Appreciated “her” though lol)

I’d really prefer if this wasnt reblogged

vent, dont reblog.

cant readmore on mobile soz

all that did was leave me tired and confused. i am traumatised and damaged and prone to running away or hiding or freezing or fawning. but i have enough control over myself and enough awareness that i can, almost always, stop myself from hurting anyone. even when im terrified and my head is screaming to run. i have enough control to think about what is happening and what i actually want to do. im not like the ppl described in that. i am traumatised heavily. but i dont lash out. especially not now. maybe a small snap when i panic or im hysterical and struggling to control myself. but thats only when its bad. the kind of panic where my brain cant process thoughts properly anymore and i can barely think and i have to devote all my energy to staying real and not thinking about suicide. i dont lash out i just put up walls. but i only put up walls when talking cant work. i cant talk to an ace exclusionist or a transmed, i cant change them. i cant afford the energy to try and nor am i capable of convincing them. they have to learn for themselves. so i block them to avoid them and feel sad and angry about it. if i can talk i do. if talking has a chance of working i talk. and its hard and sometimes i mess it up. but when it should work it does work. cuz some ppl wont listen or see things from my perspective. bc they dont want to. i tell them they hurt me. and they say it was my own fault or gaslight me. when it wasnt. i dont blame ppl for things they havent done. that makes no sense. and i dont blame ppl for the sake of it. if someone i can talk to hurts me i think about it. cry probably. consult my gf and my psych and maybe other friends. then i talk to the person if i can. if they care they listen. sometimes i dont get it right. sometimes i mess up bad. but if i do i listen. and i try to change and i apologise. and the ppl i keep in my life all do the same. we talk and we listen and we try to be better people. and the ones who wouldnt communicate turned out to be the ones more often than not that contributed to my trauma. and a lot of them i think about more than id like. and i wish they were still in my life and had listened and had been better. but they werent. they made choices. they blamed me or dismissed me when i tried to communicate. and so we dont talk.

there were things i messed up in most of those situations. but i apologised and i learnt from the mistakes i made and i grew. which is what im supposed to do. grow.

so im not like the people that was describing. not in the way im scared of being. i am small and tired and traumatised but i dont make callouts, especialky not for personal disputes. i dont gaslight ppl or acuse them of abuse prematurely or innapropriately. i try to resolve conflict responsibly. bc i have made a lot of mistakes in the past. and i dont want to repeat them. bc i want to be better. i want to be a good person. and most importantly i want to have friends and loved ones and a community. and building a community means i need to have second and third thoughts and i need to watch myself and learn from all my mistakes bc i want to be better and thats how you get better. i think im lucky in my capacity for self awareness. not only is my brain extremely good at pattern recognition and being critical, which i think are in part from an overactive like, part of the brain that senses danger, but i can see it and control it and i can turn it inward and watch myself. and i can watch myself watching myself. and sometimes it messes me up and i hurt myself or wear myself out but i need to be critical. not all the time not too much. not to the point of hurting myself. and im getting better at balance. but being able to watch myself like i can is extremely useful. and i think it might be an uncommon trait. based on people ive known and disliked. and people i see out in the world. and based on an awful lot of thinking and guessing. i think most ppl cant do this. and i think thats why certain things are the way they are. im too tired to articulate. but as much as i hate my trauma and how much it has destroyed me. there is a silver lining. i will make the best of a bad situation.

i will move in with my gf. i will learn and grow and gradually i will stop being scared all the time. and ill be better. ill have friends and family. and ill keep the useful skills i learnt frok being sick and from trauma. like second and third thoughts. and first sight. and all the other stuff ive grown because of. and hopefully ill shed most of the pain. and the intrusive thoughts. and the parts of my brain intent on sabotaging me. undermining me when im weak. ill stop dissociating maybe even too. i might never be able to remember things well or process thoughts consistently or reliably but there is always a way around problems like that and ive already learnt a lot about doing that. my memory isnt an issue. my gf remembers the important stuff i dont. and i write things down and set reminders. and i have old messages and posts to read thru. and screenshots and photos too. and gifts and mementos and paths in my head i can follow if i try hard enough. if i keep digging i can find things i lost. sometimes. so memory is handled. but other stuff still needs work. like executive dysfunction or focus or consistency or sleep.. speaking of which. its past 4am. i should sleep.

Episode #14: "i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted)” - Bryce

I can't believe that I am here. I made it to the Final 4. It is very crazy. I thought that I was toast in the Final 6. So to be here now is very exciting and shocking. The final 3 is going to depend on who wins immunity. I am really hoping that I could win this immunity to secure my spot in the final 3. If not then I hope that Matt doesn't win it. He needs to be an option just in case. I'm very nervous. I just finished my rites of passage. and its crazy that its almost final tribal.

so im getting 4th. FJKASDHFKJh this comp is so hard and like im literally not gonna be able to do endurance so i need to do well on the other stuff but i just dont see that happening... like this puzzle first try was 70 minutes FJKASDHFKAJS. AND I KNOW COUNTING WILL MESS ME UP BC IM NERVOUS WRECK i didnt even mean to caps that but its tea. like flash game i think when i played this once before i wasnt bad but maybe i was who knows. im so emo like no one is talking to me anymore FKJASHDFKJ like i guess bc its just 1 vote left they dont wanna pretend they wont cut me FJAKSDFH like my game not even that good im gonna get dragged by sharky/nathan/keaton/nicole/ everyone but brian... maybe even brian who knows NNNN. my nnn. is so iconic.. maynor who?. idk like ok so if i win immunity (which i wont) idek what to do like i feel like voting matt is the best option maybe. bc i WONT be voting maynor bc i love him (not that i dont love anna and matt) but i just feel like we've had the best relationship of the f4 and im confident that the jury will like my game more than his (maybe they wont tho... i say confident but i mean 2% (not skim) sure they will) but ok so annabelle prob is hated by jury at least from brian and maybe even sharky? but like she didnt play bad she literally made most iconic move at f6 and i respect that but idk if jurors do like ppl keep saying shes a goat  so maybe she has no chance. and then theres matt where like ppl cant be mad he voted them when everyone and their mom in this game has voted him ASDKJFHASDKJ. like so hes prob liked by jury but i just dont know if hes done anything to deserve to win. he found 2 idols successfully played 1 but that was more on anna/nicks weird sense of leaking when it didnt really benefit them.  but like ok he was least threatening member of trio who got to the end so underdog edit is there even tho he literally wasnt underdog tbh u know who was an underdog... ME. i had NO ONE but nathan for a lil.. then dennis... then he got ROBBED. so then i had brian... but he got ROBBED. and now i have maynor like ive literally flipped and flopped to better my game and idk like i am physically able to meaningfully say ive done anything good ever in life or orgs but like i didnt do too bad i think! KJFAHSDKJF... idk maybe im getting 0 votes 3rd place no matter what and if thats the case im still so happy bc ive had a lot of fun in this game and met some true friends (and keaton) but like im getting 4th anyway so doesnt matter! ugh that sounds like a final goodbye confession but i know me and im gonna confess like 10 more times before this round is over so if i do get 4th/3rd just know that this was my true end...

So like.... I do not think i'm winning immunity. like at all. which makes me pretty nervous ngl. I really want to be there at the finale cause i think I have a good shot. If Bryce loses, i'm fairly sure i'm good to get to FTC but otherwise im scared. Making FTC would be really good for me cause I think i can out argue Maynor and Annabelle fairly well, but otherwise with bryce there idk. So like, BRYCE CAN'T WIN IMMUNITY. Also this FIC is disgusting like no thanks. I've already fucked up the 2 live ones so uh ya am annoyed :(. woo final juror here i come!

Bryce won immunity. Im glad. I wouldnt want to be in the position to vote Bryce. I had to abstained from the counting part cuz it triggered my anxiety. I tried tho but i couldnt. This vote is going to be said. Matt is going to go 4th. And i feel really bad. We got to know each other more during every tribal. This really sucks. I just dont want to give him false hope where there isnt any. Im going to help tomorrow.

I am so getting final juror. fuck. i knew it would happen if bryce won immunity and it fucking is. I am so sad about this. I have worked so hard all game to get here and its just being tossed away like that. I am SO sad. I have fucked up my sleep schedule for this game and now its getting me final juror. ugh. i just wanted to get to the end and like argue my case. but now? not happening :( i hate this

I WON I REALLY WON IMMUNITY ASKDJFHASKDJF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE WHEN I GOT 12 POSTS ASJFKHKASJFDHASDKJF THATS SO NNNNN IM SO HAPPY BUT SO SAD BC NOW I TRIED TO TELL MATT IM VOTING HIM BC I WANT TO BE HONEST BUT HE SAYS HES TALKING TO A BRICK WALL LIKE???? SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO GIVE U FALSE HOPE AJDSFHDKAJ its honestly so rude like ive been in that position before so i know what its like when ur pleading ur case and the person doesnt seem to care and im NOT doing that. but obvioulsy i didnt just make up a plan on what to do at f4 so obviously i have thoughts and plans and im not just gonna switch it up bc u plea to me now. idk KJASHDFKJ also im so scared im gonna lose now NNN hes saying anna played so well and tbh she kind of did maybe i lose no matter what...

So like i am leaving but its ok! why? cause i will preserve my legacy by dropping a whole ass fajita recipe here so that I can feel like i have made an IMPACT on the season. Even though like im still sad its me, im going out with a bang baby! I don't use this recipe personally ( I am a broke student) but its v.good!

Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts, finely sliced 1 red onion, finely sliced (ready to make you cry) 1 red pepper, sliced 1 red chilli, finely sliced (optional) For the marinade 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika 1 tbsp ground coriander pinch of ground cumin 2 medium garlic cloves, crushed 4 tbsp olive oil 1 lime juiced 4-5 drops Tabasco

Method: Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and wrap 6 medium tortillas in foil.

Mix 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika, 1 tbsp ground coriander, a pinch of ground cumin, 2 crushed garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil, the juice of 1 lime and 4-5 drops Tabasco together in a bowl with a big pinch each of salt and pepper.

Stir 2 finely sliced chicken breasts, 1 finely sliced red onion, 1 sliced red pepper and 1 finely sliced red chilli, if using, into the marinade.


Heat a griddle pan until smoking hot and add the chicken and marinade to the pan.

Keep everything moving over a high heat for about 5 mins using tongs until you get a nice charred effect. If your griddle pan is small you may need to do this in two batches.

To check the chicken is cooked, find the thickest part and tear in half – if any part is still raw cook until done.

Put the tortillas in the oven to heat up and serve with the cooked chicken, a bag of mixed salad and one 230g tub of fresh salsa.

hope the random person reading this uses it otherwise gj future me reading this you've officially gone insane! yeet ig?

This is going to be a sad day. I really like Matt and dont want to vote him out but its the best option from the people available. It really sucks. I feel his pain and ahh.

I’m literally going to cry. I want to help Matt. I wish we could all be final 3 but we can’t. I’m dying emotionally. Final 4 always has so much pressure cuz theres only 4 people left. I hope Matt doesn’t hate me. I hope he understands thisnis a game move because he techinically was the underdog in the beginning then was on top then back to underdog. I just hope he doesnt take it personal that I don’t think tie-ing it for him would be good for my game.

OMG IDK WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MATT GO HOME PLS BUT I FEEL LIKE ANNA IS VOTING MAYNOR IM GONNA BE SO SAD AHHHH DJSKFHSDKJF

Matt is voted out 3-1. He becomes the final juror.

ok so i had the worst day of my life today and didnt plan my speech at all so thats where im at NNN time to fake smile and hope the jurors like my ad libbed speech ASFKUHDFKJ ftc starts in 4 minutes.

well.. that was interesting adsjflhasdkfj. Like i always have 0 confidence in myself so i think im gonna lose and i really do respect the game that anna and maynor played. im just sad that i dont think i articulated myself well bc like im so bad with words anajsfhakj and ppl were saying conflicting things and its just not in me to like chime in with my pov to possible sway it in my favor bc i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted) but yaaa like i truly think that maybe i kind of did play super well and deserve to win but either way ill be happy bc i made *some* genuine friendships and also like had so much fun voting ppl out KFADHSKJASHK. i wish i like wrote what all my confessionals were so i could reference sth i said on day 1 but it was prob like i hate my tribe they ignore me so maybe ill just say that again FKJADSHFKJ. we love coming full circle... im so hungry i didnt eat so i will now stop typing to get dinner maybe i will write another confessional. omg wait gotta have some line thats iconic in case theres an episode title... think... love talking to myself FAKSDHFKj im so funny when i was like "i realized hey i respond to myself ill take me to the end" its such a mood KFJASDHFKJ ok but hm... ok. maybe im a snake who doesnt actually care about people and use them to my advantage to get my way but at least im not jayden. OMG jk thats so mean even tho he deserves it ALSO i was gonna like comment on keaton being like "saying the n word doesnt make u racist" but then he was kind of nice to me so i didnt.. love being as fake woke as me... not being confrontational to get a jury vote... so gross NNNN wooh idk how to end this but watch waves music video normani literally snapped so hard is being as slept on as me. omg wait... maybe im a pillow bc i sure am being slept on. iconic line.... i love the hosts so much ignore literally every cringe thing i wrote in this confessional pls FKJADSHKFJ

IM VERY DRUNK AND I DNT KNOW IF I HAD TO. BUT EITHER BRYCE OR ANNA WILL WIN CUZ IM A MES AND DONT DESERVE TO CUZ THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING FOR LETTING ME GET TO FTC. I WANNA THANK ANNA THE HOST FOR BEING AMAZING AND GREAT. I LIKED THE ALICE THEM CUZ HEART CUZ ICANT  EMOHJI, ,LOVED THIS SEASON AND UR ALL AMAZING HOSTS.

Im happy I made it to the final 3. And even though FTC was bad; I enjoyed it. I know I’m probably getting 3rd which is fine. I have so much respect to Annabelle and Bryce and everyone in the jury. I’m more excited to be able to talk to all of them again. Let’s see who is our winner will it be Bryce or Annabelle!? The hosts you guys were amazing and i had a great time this season. Im glad Jones pushed and convinced me to apply. Thank you for giving me a spot in this season. And Jones you da best. 💖💛💙

confession time. everytime i write one of these i put the day as who are u and my name as what day is it.. my mind always having to go change it. but um didnt think i would be writing another one of these FJKSADF but i have no self control and winner reveal is in 4 and a half hours and im literally sick FAKJDSk i feel so anxious and nervous like even if i lose im gonna be happy but i just really want to win also im still trying to process ppl not liking me or my gameplay and saying i played with their emotions FJKASDHFJ i had a blast. anyways this is the anthem of the day apparently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhzN7SfnNeY

WHATS GOING ON?? IM TIRED IS WHATS GOING ON IM SO ANXIOUS! im sooo anxious i want to win. pls...

Bryce wins Celestial Marmoreal in a 4-3-0 vote!

Jordan’s Jury Speech - Is He Bitter? Who Knows.... :)

Hello Final 3

First off a hearty congratulations to you all. I know this game was not easy and you worked hard to get here. I am very proud of all three of you. However there is only one winner and now we are tasked by choosing between the three of you.

Brian I am going to start with you, because I know the least about your game. You mentioned in you opening statement how you only talked to people you needed to which is what I like to think of it as a double edge sword. For one you rarely need to betray people as you have limited conversation with them (though you managed to still be able to do that to Duncan, but I am sure he’s going to grill you on that later) but the issue with that is it leaves a lot of us, myself included feeling very little towards your game. I frankly, just don’t know anything about you game and what I little I did learn was from jury members, who weren’t exactly waving go Brian flags. I find myself leaning more towards Billy and Drew just because I understand there games more, but for you I am drawing a blank. I want to give you a chance though. So my question is really like, what was your game about, because for me to vote for you I feel I need to have some understanding of what you did. 

Billy, first off I am proud of you. Really proud of you. I know how much your first ftc in PI means to you and as your friend and fellow person who plays literally all of these games, I am very happy for you. However none the less I need to vote for a winner, and as all stars clearly showed us. Just because someone like me or you makes ftc it is not a guaranteed win. I am going to be a little blunt, I don’t think your gameplay was amazing. I dont think it really stood out and made any juror go wow I am rooting for billy. However that does not mean you are out of the running. You articulated yourself very well in your opening speech and I believe truly showed your gameplay. Here is my issue though. As you and the other two finalist showed in your speech the three of you all worked together very well. And despite you throwing your vote from time to time, you were all clearly on the same page. When one is in a situation like that where move wise your games are all similar you need to find a way to stand out and thats where I feel you lack. I dont see any shining moments in this game that scream Billy. Even your advantages (Raikou wasnt as big as a secret you might have thought, it was very obvious you had it to most) or idols didnt make you stand out as for the most part they weren’t needed. And at least from my perspective socially, while drunk Billy on call saying I didnt vote for anyone when I asked if you voted me out was hilarious it doesnt speak much for your social game (I know you were drunk but you got to take all into account) So my question for you is what makes your gameplay stand out from the other three. Don’t talk about specific moves unless you can clearly claim that it was strictly yours and not a group move. What did Billy do, not what Billy’s alliance did.

Drew, I had mixed feelings after my vote out. I was upset as you know, stuff that went at least for me a little past this game but our relationship in general. I am happy to say that since then we talked out our issues and are back to that loving relationship we once known throwing insults and sarcastic comments at each other constantly. It makes me happy that we can have that and hopefully have our game relationship back the same as well. I think you did a good job of playing the middle and making yourself seem more on the bottom then you actually were. I like your game. Its really simple, but I try not to be decided before speeches unless it seems really obvious to me who the winner is. So in my mind everyone has a chance. Something I’ve seen in the past from you is you usually keep your feelings to yourself. So I want you to shit talk Brian and Billy. Shit talk them bad and shit talk them publicly. Lets keep it civil, only about there game nothing personal (You can keep those juicy details for my PM’s) But game wise LAY INTO THEM, FUCKING SLAY THEM, TEAR THEM TO FUCKING SHREDS. Show me a Drew that will hold nothing back and you got my vote.

For all 3 of you. Classic Jordan Pines Jury Question, sort the jurors into hogwarts houses and why. And Optional compliment Jordan Pines. Its optional you choose :)

Like I said earlier you might not have the happiest jurors coming at you but don’t worry you always got a friend in good ol’ Jordan Pines. Good luck answering questions and good job to all 3 of you.